Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:04,399
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
2
00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:08,479
Good morning, housemates! 26 hours
till finals! Ah, sh...it! Hot!
3
00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:11,879
MUSIC: The Number One Song in Heaven
by Sparks
4
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,039
Er, Kingsley, I...
5
00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:20,799
got your tea.
6
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:23,199
Fuck off!
7
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:24,879
Vod, I made you a...
8
00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:26,159
Ohh...
9
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,160
Get out.
10
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:35,639
Ooh... Ooh... Ooh...
11
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,119
Oh, my God!
12
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,479
Don't look at me!
13
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:39,999
Howard?
14
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,399
Yes, I'm masturbating, and, no,
I do not have time to stop!
15
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,839
OK.
16
00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:48,039
Guys, I know it's exam time
and everyone's revising
17
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:49,639
and you're all under
a lot of stress,
18
00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:53,640
but can you please
stop wanking and shouting?!
19
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,479
Oh, you're not wanking!
20
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:24,919
No.
21
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,199
I'm tired of wanking.
22
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:31,200
You know, it is said
that when a man is tired of wanking,
23
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,959
he is tired of life.
24
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,519
Yeah, I don't think that is said.
25
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:37,159
How's the revision going?
26
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,759
I've gone slightly insane.
27
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,760
I wrote the word "igneous" thousands
of times on tiny little cards.
28
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:47,759
OK.
29
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,479
Oh!
30
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:50,919
New commission?
31
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:51,959
No.
32
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:55,839
I drew that for fun.
33
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,719
Well, if there's anything
I can do to help...
34
00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:01,720
Anything...within certain limits.
35
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:21,800
Housemates! At the beep,
the time until finals will be...
36
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,119
22 hours.
37
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:28,120
Beep!
38
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,479
What if you wake up on the morning
39
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,159
of your finals and your hands have
gone all floppy? Shut up, Josie.
40
00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:36,479
You've got these floppy hands
and they won't hold a pen
41
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:37,759
and you turn up and you're like,
42
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:40,279
"Hi, I'm Edward Floppyhands,
I don't think I can do my exam"?
43
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,799
Shut up, Josie. It probably won't,
but it could happen.
44
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:46,800
What if it has happened? I might
google it. Don't you google it.
45
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,079
Howard, I've made you
a salmon and kelp smoothie.
46
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:50,759
It's got eight Pro Plus in it.
47
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,999
Slaty cleavage, gneiss,
gastroliths, escarpments...
48
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,519
I'll just pop it down.
Not...
49
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:58,359
on the table.
50
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:01,479
Josie, this is an external
partition of my mind.
51
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:05,480
Would you put an uncoastered drink
onto my mind?
52
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:11,080
Hey, Vod, I need another book of
tickets for Vod's World Of Carnage.
53
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,879
Vod and Kingsley's World
Of Cheese And Carnage, thank you.
54
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,359
It's the Lake Of Fire.
You say those three little words
55
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,279
and everyone's, like,
"Oh, Josie, please take my money!
56
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,919
"Anything for the Lake Of Fire!"
57
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,319
Well, it is an amazing concept,
to be totally fair to myself.
58
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,159
I didn't sign off on a Lake Of Fire.
Kingo,
59
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:29,879
I have told you - head of
logistics, head of vision.
60
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:31,639
You know, I come up
with the concepts,
61
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:33,439
you come up with the...plastic cups.
62
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,919
I'm sorting the plastic cups?!
63
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,759
That is...
64
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,599
beyond the fucking pale.
65
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,159
Well, I've only gone and done it.
66
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:44,399
I've fucked it off
and hired a barge.
67
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,679
I need to just
get away from it all -
68
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:50,680
no internet, no...
69
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,639
..distractions.
70
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,559
How have you afforded that?
You're broke.
71
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,159
Oh, I cracked into my 5K buffer.
72
00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,439
So...
73
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,719
Howard...
74
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,279
what do you say to me, you
and your lovely, lovely brain table
75
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:09,280
taking a serene study cruise down
the historic Barton Aqueduct?
76
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:12,159
Oh, let me guess,
all aboard the banter barge?
77
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,919
Nope. No bants.
78
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,559
Tough on bants.
79
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:19,560
Tough on the causes of bants.
Total bants clamp-down.
80
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,999
Just pure, hard-core study.
81
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,559
JP, suffice it to say,
82
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:27,560
I will not be joining you
on your ship of fools.
83
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,479
Seven.
84
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,319
I'm seven days clean.
85
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,159
Seven days since I shagged JP.
86
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:42,399
I'm proud of you, mate.
87
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,359
A week sober.
88
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:45,839
Yeah.
89
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:48,839
It's like...
I'm not sure I'll ever be in a place
90
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:52,359
where I can say I'll never
shag JP again, but...
91
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,599
by God, I'm gonna try!
92
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:58,959
Here's something to take your mind
off JP's knob.
93
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:02,960
More tickets.
94
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:07,560
SHE EXHALES
95
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:17,759
VOD SNIFFS DEEPLY
96
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:18,879
You've had a man in here!
97
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:20,879
No!
No?
98
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:24,599
Hmm.
99
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,639
So...what is this?!
100
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:30,640
The world's straightest pube?
101
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:32,879
I'm seeing...
102
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:34,599
a private tutor. I...
103
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,399
am having private tuition
before my finals.
104
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:38,919
Oh.
105
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:42,079
So...who's paying for that,
then? Merkel?
106
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,439
Please don't call my dad that.
It's all right for some, innit?
107
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:47,759
Look, I'm behind.
What with my failed presidency,
108
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:50,279
and my scholarship,
109
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,919
I have a lot of catching up to do
110
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:56,920
and they can be very
insistent, Geoff and Lynda,
111
00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:01,120
which is incredibly helpful, because
it reminds me what's at stake,
112
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:05,879
but also sometimes a teeny bit
fucking much,
113
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,839
if you know what I mean.
114
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:11,840
Anyway, er, post come, this from...
115
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,719
..TV Licence and...
116
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,559
this.
117
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,039
Got a US postmark, so I thought...
118
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:24,119
My Fulbright application.
119
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,999
What if they found out about the
impeachment and they're rejecting me
120
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,039
and then I have a meltdown
121
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,119
and I shave off all my
eyebrows and I can't revise?
122
00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:32,519
You don't wanna go under exam
conditions without eyebrows.
123
00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,199
Believe.
You take it.
124
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:38,199
I'll open it...afterwards.
125
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:42,200
JOSIE: Oh, come on, open it!
126
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,959
Hi, Oregon.
127
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,960
I just wanted to know if you got it!
128
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,599
I definitely said "mamma mia",
cos I say it all the time.
129
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,799
"Mamma mia,
I've got a lot of revision to do."
130
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,399
"Mamma mia, it's my finals tomorrow
131
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,359
"and my girlfriend
won't fucking kiss me."
132
00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:09,360
Look, I think we both know
it's gone a bit weird lately.
133
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:12,839
Are you breaking up with me?
134
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,559
No. Cos if you are, I'd rather you
just did it, because I cannot
135
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:18,399
have the sword of rejection hanging
over me for my whole finals.
136
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,079
Let's just be adults, Rosa.
137
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,119
If it's over,
then just say it's over.
138
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,159
Kingsley, it's over.
139
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,679
What the fuck?!
140
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,399
You're breaking up with me
the day before my finals?!
141
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:33,159
Look at this!
With the colours, look!
142
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,479
Blue, accretion.
143
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:35,679
Red, lithology.
144
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:36,999
Yellow, turbidity.
145
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:41,000
Do you see any colours on here
that signify emotional turmoil?!
146
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:43,839
No. No, because
I don't have time for it!
147
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,159
Great, now I've got a migraine.
148
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,759
I'm sorry, Kingsley...
Well, you've ruined my life.
149
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,519
So thanks for that.
150
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,519
So, go on.
151
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:53,999
Fuck off.
152
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,319
Don't you want to talk about it?
153
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:58,119
I don't ever want to talk to you
ever again, you evil fucking woman!
154
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:01,079
I love you. Please stay with me
until after my finals.
155
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,839
Good luck with your exams.
156
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:04,639
Ciao.
157
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:08,640
Don't say ciao,
you fucking Swiss phoney!
158
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:16,480
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
159
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:21,600
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
160
00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:26,719
HE SIGHS
161
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:30,720
DISTANT ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
162
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,759
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
163
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:37,799
WHIRRING STOPS
164
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:41,800
All right?
165
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:46,080
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
166
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:54,159
JP!
167
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:57,559
With regret, it has become
necessary for me
168
00:08:57,560 --> 00:09:00,599
to beg safe passage
aboard the revision barge.
169
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:04,600
Very well, I will add you
to the manifest right now.
170
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,039
All aboard the anti-banty boat!
171
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:11,040
GENTLE PASTORAL MUSIC
172
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,239
18 hours left.
No pressure, guys!
173
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:30,240
Right, so that's 300 vigorous
squat thrusts in the bank.
174
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:31,999
Parcel came for you.
175
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:36,000
Oh, great! That's just what I need,
a fucking parcel to open!
176
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:41,679
Ooh, where are we on Lake Of Fire?
177
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:44,119
Oh, Vod, do I look like I've got
time to organise a Lake Of Fire
178
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,839
when I'm sat around
opening packages all day?
179
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,599
Oh, looks like Kingsley's found
ten minutes to open a parcel.
180
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,599
Meanwhile, Violet Nordstrom
is chatterboxing away
181
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,399
like she doesn't have finals
in the morning.
182
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:58,400
Oh, look at this shit. Oh, biscuits,
energy drinks, Mini Eggs...
183
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:03,800
Like, as if I've got time to sit
around eating fucking Mini Eggs!
184
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,039
Aww, your mum sent you
a care package!
185
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:09,439
That is so cute!
These Mini Eggs are saying,
186
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,439
"Hurry up and finish your exams
so you can move back home with me."
187
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,599
They are tainted
and they are aggressive.
188
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,199
Kingsley, do you know
what my mum sends me?
189
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,799
Summonses.
190
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,279
She gives them my address.
191
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:21,839
Affray, council tax,
192
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,919
driving while eating a bagel,
all that shit.
193
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:26,799
At least you're not
being sent sub-textual,
194
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,119
passive-aggressive
fucking chocolates!
195
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:34,120
Are you OK, Kingsley?
196
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:38,119
Yeah... Rosa broke up with me.
Oh.
197
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,159
What for?
Oh, that's not the point.
198
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,679
I thought you didn't like her
very much anyway?
199
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:44,559
That's also not the point.
200
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:47,519
She was my way out, she was my...
201
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:51,520
..safe haven for next year,
my...my Swiss mountain retreat.
202
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:57,759
Is this about your libido?
Hmm?
203
00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:59,519
Nothing.
What did you say?
204
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:00,719
What?
205
00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:03,679
I said...
206
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:07,680
is it about your libido?
Because you've got such a...
207
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,279
high libido.
208
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,759
Why would she break up with me
because I've got a high libido?
209
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,639
Because...
210
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,519
it's...
211
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:18,759
..exhausting
212
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,760
and quite unhealthy, actually,
to be shagged so well and so often.
213
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,959
Josie, have I got a low libido?
214
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,960
No.
215
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:32,679
Relatively low.
216
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:36,039
Great, so I've got no girlfriend
and a relatively low libido.
217
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,479
Right, I'm gonna go and see
218
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:41,480
if I can find a way to set fire
to Worthington fucking Lake!
219
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,519
Which reminds me...
220
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,239
Your ticket money.
Thanking you.
221
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,439
And there's plenty more where that
came from. I have got mug punters
222
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:53,319
from here to Chorley,
lining up to have a date
223
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:57,320
with some really hot fucking water.
224
00:11:58,080 --> 00:11:59,359
I'm not happy with this mooring,
225
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:01,559
because I don't like its vibe.
There's too many geese.
226
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,439
They are sketching me out,
we must leave.
227
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:04,999
The mooring is fine!
228
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,639
The mooring is not fine!
The mooring is untenable!
229
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,719
The mooring is perfectly tenable!
I'm not happy with the mooring,
230
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:13,639
so we are leaving
and finding a new mooring
231
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:15,519
because I cannot
revise at this mooring!
232
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,239
Oh, brilliant, so we're gonna get
trapped in the lock cycle again.
233
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,679
Yeah, let's just write off
another 45 minutes
234
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,879
in the endless,
"Gate closing, gate opening,"
235
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,639
oh, a friendly wave to the guy
with the fucking Scottie dog!
236
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,359
Howard, need I remind you that
I am captain of the Bluebell?!
237
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:29,639
We are finding a new mooring,
238
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:32,079
so hoist the mizzen and splice
the fucking mainbrace!
239
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:35,799
There is no mizzen, there is no
mainbrace, there are no sails.
240
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:39,800
This is a fucking barge!
241
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,239
DOOR RATTLES
242
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:44,759
EXAGGERATED SCOTTISH ACCENT:
Having trouble with the door?
243
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:50,640
Aaaargh!
244
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:56,519
OK, so I've just spoken to some
guy in fucking Utah about setting
245
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,199
a lake on fire, cos that's the
sort of thing you do the day before
246
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:03,079
your finals, and he says we can get
a giant submersible butane manifold.
247
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,759
Mm! Obviously we'll need to clear
the lake first.
248
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,879
Ducks, geese, mallards.
249
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,839
Hmm. No-one wants a goose inferno.
250
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:11,719
The best way to scare ducks,
apparently,
251
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,359
cos I really have time to research
this now during my revision,
252
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:18,360
is to hire some hawks from
a local falconry centre.
253
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,359
So apparently for a lake
the size of Worthington
254
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:24,159
we need about six with
handlers and a kestrel.
255
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,479
How much is that then?
256
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,559
It's 12 grand for the burner,
1,500 for a 60-litre
257
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:31,439
industrial butane canister,
plus 600 quid each
258
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,879
for a couple of qualified frogmen
who plumb it all in.
259
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,439
Er, so with the hawks,
the manifold, the diffuser
260
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:40,440
and petrol for the frogmen,
it's?18,000.
261
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:44,879
That gives us four minutes of
solid, safe, controlled flame.
262
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:46,039
Right.
263
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:50,040
18 grand...
264
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,279
Unless...
265
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:06,279
I mean, obviously you
can't put a price on safety.
266
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,919
But, you also sort of can.
267
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:12,199
I mean, on one hand there is
the wellbeing of the punters,
268
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:16,119
and then on the other hand,
well, there's profit.
269
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:19,679
And can you see how there's a little
bit of a balancing act there?
270
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:23,039
Is it a balancing act that's
on a tightrope that's on fire?
271
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:26,399
Kingo, we've got to
look after our futures.
272
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,199
We don't want to be moving
back in with Mum.
273
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:33,200
Bringing a nice girl home. You
know, getting all horny on the sofa
274
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:37,640
and then boom, massive
bra on the radiator.
275
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,559
OK, if I'm going to have any
sort of future in radio
276
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,079
I need this event on my CV.
277
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:45,079
What I don't need is a burned,
dead student on my conscience.
278
00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:46,759
All right.
279
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,399
Do it properly.
280
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:52,400
Yeah? OK, thank you. Right.
281
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,959
Ah!
282
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,439
Yes, this is a fine mooring.
283
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:16,439
Everything will be fine
at this mooring.
284
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,159
Um, I thought we could...er,
285
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,079
maybe play a game.
286
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,119
Suppose you were throwing a dinner
party and you're only allowed
287
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:29,120
to invite four aspects of drilling
gas wells that a geologist must
288
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:34,160
consider once an exploratory well
has uncovered a shale formation.
289
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,479
What four aspects would you invite?
290
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:40,519
You know, it's just fun
to think about, isn't it?
291
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:44,520
Mm. You mean like trying to extract
information from my brain?
292
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,519
You cannot frack me, JP.
293
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:49,799
I am unfrackable.
294
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,479
Fine.
295
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:55,480
Suit yourself.
296
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:02,520
DRILL
297
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,559
You?
298
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:11,239
Yes, Howard. I Bosched you.
299
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,479
DRILL
Bosch.
300
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:17,480
And I will Bosch you again
until you give me the knowledge.
301
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:22,160
You absolute copper-bottomed fucker!
302
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:23,959
Study now, bitch.
303
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:26,519
DRILL
304
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,119
Howard,
305
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,439
what are the four aspects
of drilling a gas well that
306
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,440
a geologist must consider when he or
she has uncovered a shale formation?
307
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,719
Tell me, Howard!
308
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,919
Give me the knowledge, Howard!
309
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:42,679
I want your knowledge!
310
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,559
I can't be fracked.
I will not be fracked...
311
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,119
I'm warning you,
I'll scuttle the fleet!
312
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,599
I'll drill a hole in the floor
and sink us all!
313
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:52,319
Don't make me scuttle
The Bluebell, Howard!
314
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:53,799
I'll do it! I will not be fracked!
315
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,719
You cannot frack me, JP.
I cannot be fracked!
316
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,319
I will not be fracked!
317
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:02,320
Batten down the crockery!
Untenable mooring.
318
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:09,360
SHE WHISTLES
319
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:34,200
Hey. It's Oregon.
She's been rejected.
320
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,599
Hmm? The Fulbright.
321
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,079
You opened it?!
322
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:42,719
Look, maybe it's a good thing,
you know, take the pressure off.
323
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,359
OK, my friend,
he found out his dad had cancer
324
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:48,239
on the morning of his driving
test. Boom, passed first time!
325
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,959
No! No way.
326
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:54,519
No, no, no. We can't tell
her until after the exams.
327
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:58,399
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're right.
328
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:01,239
But I really want to be there
when we tell her, yeah?
329
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:05,240
You know, for support, and...shit.
330
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:10,120
KNOCK ON DOOR
331
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,199
Easy, Mole. How's things?
332
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,959
Right, I'm getting
crewed up for the event. All right.
333
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:22,239
I just thought I'd drop round
334
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,279
and make sure you're not
going to flake out on me.
335
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:29,239
Mole. Fuck's sake. Do I look
like I'm going to flake out?
336
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,199
Hmm, hang on a minute.
337
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,559
Do I look like
I'm going to flake out?
338
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,639
It's just with the cost up front.
339
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:40,199
And you know, I don't know you
from a tin of beans.
340
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,999
OK. Listen.
341
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,119
You're not dealing with some
dewy-eyed virgin
342
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:46,879
who's just rolled off the Megabus
from Cat-Piss-on-Tweed. OK?
343
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,999
I am making so much honk I'm
running out of places to hide it.
344
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,719
We're talking 60, 70 grand.
345
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,519
Right, so if I were you, I would
get in touch with your wholesaler.
346
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,759
You know, whoever your like,
Costco of cocaine is.
347
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:01,719
You know, I would order
eight saucepans
348
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,559
of his finest Chuck Norris.
349
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,519
All right.
350
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,279
Good to know, that.
351
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:12,280
Laters, new potatoes. Ta-ra.
352
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,279
Well, I've only gone and done it.
353
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:27,199
I have fucked it off
and rented a cottage.
354
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,199
You see, I figured what we needed
was somewhere that had the ambience
355
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:33,719
and low ceilings of a barge,
but on land.
356
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:37,319
A sort of land barge,
or house, if you will.
357
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,519
The problem is not the barge, JP.
358
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:40,919
The problem is your mind.
359
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,719
But it's got a scullery, Howard.
360
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:46,720
Think of all the facts
we'll learn in a scullery.
361
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,199
Howie...
362
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,959
..can I talk to you about something?
363
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:58,960
It's just that...there's
this thing that's confusing me
364
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,959
and I don't know who to turn to.
365
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,439
JP,
366
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,839
are you confiding in me?
367
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,919
I mean, I'm going to end
up doing a job I don't want,
368
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,719
but meanwhile there
IS something that I DO want.
369
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,720
But what if the thing that
I want doesn't want me?
370
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:20,920
It's a confusing thing.
The thing is confusing.
371
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,119
Not to stop you in your stride JP,
but if you continue like this
372
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:26,359
I may have to go outside
and hold my breath
373
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,599
until my body turns limp and then
just let it slide into the water.
374
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:33,319
OK. Forget it. Thank you.
That's the preferred option.
375
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,559
You've got it licked,
haven't you, mate?
376
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:38,639
An amazing job all lined up.
377
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:41,719
No pressure, no expectations.
378
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,359
The unbridled joy of the blank page
379
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:47,159
stretching out eternally
in front of you.
380
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:49,479
No structure, no timetable.
381
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:51,799
I'm not a blank page.
382
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,039
A lined page maybe.
383
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:56,959
God I envy your freedom, Howard.
384
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,799
Come on, mate.
385
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:02,800
Abandon barge.
386
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,879
Hey, Jose. Do you think
we could have a quick chat?
387
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:13,880
I've just ejaculated. That's
three times today. Yeah, three.
388
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,759
I've looked that up and
apparently it's relatively high.
389
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:17,879
Um, Kingsley,
390
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,959
do you think that you should
focus on studying, as opposed to,
391
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:24,599
say, looking up wanking statistics
and eating Mini Eggs?
392
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,599
Hmm, I don't have time
for that sort of mumbo jumbo,
393
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,999
what I need to know is
if either of you two would like
394
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,639
to be my girlfriend
until after my exams?
395
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,399
Josie? Mmm?
396
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,119
Er, I don't think so.
397
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,439
Vod? Sorry, Kingo.
398
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:43,279
Fine. Don't blame you.
You're just having a freak out.
399
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:46,919
Oh! Palms are tingling.
That's a new one.
400
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,599
Back for another vigorous session.
Onwards and downwards.
401
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,879
DOORBELL
Mm, someone's at the door.
402
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:53,110
BANGING ON DOOR
403
00:21:53,111 --> 00:21:55,990
Ah, it might be for me.
I ordered some ADHD meds.
404
00:21:55,991 --> 00:21:58,070
Apparently they make
all your leg hairs fall out
405
00:21:58,071 --> 00:22:00,030
but you can revise for hours.
406
00:22:00,031 --> 00:22:01,750
Two large shaven-headed males.
407
00:22:01,751 --> 00:22:05,270
Maybe they work for the paramilitary
wing of the Jehovah's Witnesses.
408
00:22:05,271 --> 00:22:08,590
Open the door!
HEAVY BANGING
409
00:22:08,591 --> 00:22:10,870
Drop everything, get in the cellar.
410
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,870
BANGING CONTINUES
411
00:22:12,871 --> 00:22:14,190
Move!
412
00:22:14,191 --> 00:22:17,550
BANGING CONTINUES
413
00:22:17,551 --> 00:22:21,270
Fuck! Fuck!
414
00:22:21,271 --> 00:22:23,630
It's the fucking TV licence people!
Shit!
415
00:22:23,631 --> 00:22:25,350
I thought we paid?!
416
00:22:25,351 --> 00:22:27,990
We haven't paid!
Fuck, we're going to fucking prison!
417
00:22:27,991 --> 00:22:30,550
Can I just say, for the record,
I hardly watch it.
418
00:22:30,551 --> 00:22:33,110
Oh, so you don't watch
the Great British Sewing Bee? Twice!
419
00:22:33,111 --> 00:22:35,110
Twice I watched it
and it was fucking shit!
420
00:22:35,111 --> 00:22:38,030
Guys. I'm trying to study.
421
00:22:38,031 --> 00:22:40,790
What the fuck are you
doing down here? Revising.
422
00:22:40,791 --> 00:22:43,590
I think the real question is, what
the fuck are you doing down here?
423
00:22:43,591 --> 00:22:47,591
Can we just keep our voices down?
Vod? Are you in there, mate?
424
00:22:48,351 --> 00:22:49,590
How do they know your name?!
425
00:22:49,591 --> 00:22:52,750
They know everything. Quickly,
delete iPlayer from your phones.
426
00:22:52,751 --> 00:22:55,270
Oh, Jesus. I'm going to
prison for watching New Tricks.
427
00:22:55,271 --> 00:22:58,070
Guys, I don't think the TV licence
people kick your front door in.
428
00:22:58,071 --> 00:23:00,390
Don't you see? They've gone rogue.
429
00:23:00,391 --> 00:23:03,710
For the record, that isn't
a television in my bedroom.
430
00:23:03,711 --> 00:23:06,310
It's a TV monitor
for playing video games.
431
00:23:06,311 --> 00:23:07,910
What is going on? I don't know.
432
00:23:07,911 --> 00:23:10,390
Maybe it's the guy come to
pick up the big Next catalogue.
433
00:23:10,391 --> 00:23:12,590
They already came and picked up
the Next catalogue!
434
00:23:12,591 --> 00:23:16,350
OK, we're not going anywhere
until we get our 60 grand.
435
00:23:16,351 --> 00:23:18,950
We'll start looking, eh?
436
00:23:18,951 --> 00:23:20,550
THUD
Oh, my God!
437
00:23:20,551 --> 00:23:22,950
You'd better fucking tell us
where it is
438
00:23:22,951 --> 00:23:25,270
before we rip this place apart!
439
00:23:25,271 --> 00:23:29,190
Um, guys. I think
I might know what this is.
440
00:23:29,191 --> 00:23:32,670
Promise not to shout?
441
00:23:32,671 --> 00:23:35,470
Um, well, might of,
442
00:23:35,471 --> 00:23:39,471
by accident, told the drug dealer
who's doing security and drugs
443
00:23:40,631 --> 00:23:44,631
for my event, that I've
got 60 grand cash in the house.
444
00:23:47,071 --> 00:23:50,870
What the fuck, Vod? So that's Mole?
That's fucking Mole up there?!
445
00:23:50,871 --> 00:23:53,750
That fucking bald psycho with the
deceptively adorable nickname?
446
00:23:53,751 --> 00:23:56,550
Yes. You got involved with
the Manchester drug lords?
447
00:23:56,551 --> 00:23:58,350
The lords of the drug lords?
448
00:23:58,351 --> 00:24:01,430
Drug dealers?
Vod, have you seen The Wire?
449
00:24:01,431 --> 00:24:03,750
Because I haven't,
but I can fucking imagine.
450
00:24:03,751 --> 00:24:05,550
I'm starting to feel a mite jittery,
451
00:24:05,551 --> 00:24:09,551
so I'm just going to lie flat
on the cold, hard ground.
452
00:24:10,631 --> 00:24:12,950
Yeah.
453
00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:15,470
Look, it's just one of those
things that happens, isn't it?
454
00:24:15,471 --> 00:24:17,390
No, Vod. It isn't.
455
00:24:17,391 --> 00:24:19,630
Washing your jeans with
a tissue in the pocket,
456
00:24:19,631 --> 00:24:22,910
or accidentally ordering a large
jar of olives from the Ocado shop.
457
00:24:22,911 --> 00:24:26,750
But getting raided by dealers the
night before your fucking finals?
458
00:24:26,751 --> 00:24:27,990
I'm calling the rozzers,
459
00:24:27,991 --> 00:24:30,670
getting them to wazz round here
and rozz up all the crimos.
460
00:24:30,671 --> 00:24:32,670
Er, actually I'd prefer it
if you didn't, mate.
461
00:24:32,671 --> 00:24:36,510
He is a dealer and I am kind of
up to my nips in this, so...
462
00:24:36,511 --> 00:24:39,070
Am I up to my nips as well?
463
00:24:39,071 --> 00:24:42,350
Am I nipple-deep by association?
464
00:24:42,351 --> 00:24:43,750
There's no signal.
465
00:24:43,751 --> 00:24:46,470
OK, Vod. You are going up there
and you are giving them the money.
466
00:24:46,471 --> 00:24:49,550
Actually, I can't. It is 60 grand.
467
00:24:49,551 --> 00:24:51,110
Look, I know it's a wrench.
468
00:24:51,111 --> 00:24:53,950
I remember when I had to take
out 75K from my trusties
469
00:24:53,951 --> 00:24:55,390
as an endowment on this place.
470
00:24:55,391 --> 00:24:57,910
I nearly had a fucking nosebleed
in Bradford and Bingley.
471
00:24:57,911 --> 00:25:00,230
What about the grad ball, huh?
472
00:25:00,231 --> 00:25:03,950
No cash means no Lake of Fire.
473
00:25:03,951 --> 00:25:07,951
All those disappointed punters.
I mean... Where the fuck is it?
474
00:25:09,031 --> 00:25:11,030
We give them a bit of it.
475
00:25:11,031 --> 00:25:13,750
Yeah, I'm going to be honest
with you, Jose. I don't think Mole's
476
00:25:13,751 --> 00:25:15,510
the kind of gentleman
that'll come here,
477
00:25:15,511 --> 00:25:17,830
help himself to a grand
and leave without the other 59.
478
00:25:17,831 --> 00:25:20,950
We can't stay here! We've got
our finals in the morning!
479
00:25:20,951 --> 00:25:23,030
It'll only be a couple of hours.
480
00:25:23,031 --> 00:25:24,070
In my experience,
481
00:25:24,071 --> 00:25:26,590
nine times out of ten
these things just blow over.
482
00:25:26,591 --> 00:25:29,350
THUD
Vod, listen, girl! I'm not fucking around!
483
00:25:29,351 --> 00:25:32,350
Right, that's from the Office of
National Statistics, is it?
484
00:25:32,351 --> 00:25:35,470
Mole, mate!
Are you a fan of Expressionism?
485
00:25:35,471 --> 00:25:38,510
Because in my dresser, second
drawer down, you will find a sketch
486
00:25:38,511 --> 00:25:42,511
by a certain Lucian Freud.
487
00:25:42,751 --> 00:25:45,870
Mole? Tell you what,
if we make it out of this alive...
488
00:25:45,871 --> 00:25:47,270
If?!
489
00:25:47,271 --> 00:25:49,430
I said when.
490
00:25:49,431 --> 00:25:50,910
Hundred quid each?
491
00:25:50,911 --> 00:25:53,110
Oh, great. That'll make
up for the loss of earnings
492
00:25:53,111 --> 00:25:54,550
when we all fail our finals.
493
00:25:54,551 --> 00:25:57,670
I can use it to buy a big velvet
dunce cap. Vod, give them the money.
494
00:25:57,671 --> 00:25:59,110
Yeah, Vod, stop fucking around.
495
00:25:59,111 --> 00:26:02,110
Will everyone just shut the fuck
up about it for a minute, OK?
496
00:26:02,111 --> 00:26:04,270
I am not giving them my money.
497
00:26:04,271 --> 00:26:07,430
You know, he's probably up there
stealing all our stuff.
498
00:26:07,431 --> 00:26:09,670
He's probably going to take
my fucking 12-string.
499
00:26:09,671 --> 00:26:18,071
Right, we're not leaving
till we've found it!
500
00:26:29,511 --> 00:26:31,550
He's watching TV.
501
00:26:31,551 --> 00:26:32,870
What's he watching?
502
00:26:32,871 --> 00:26:34,630
Something mellow?
503
00:26:34,631 --> 00:26:36,190
What time's Mr Selfridge on?
504
00:26:36,191 --> 00:26:38,110
Maybe we could
encourage him to watch that.
505
00:26:38,111 --> 00:26:41,430
Vod, if you don't give him his money
soon, I am going to fail my finals.
506
00:26:41,431 --> 00:26:43,670
Well, I've eaten a whole
bag of dried cranberries
507
00:26:43,671 --> 00:26:45,270
and I'm going to need to...
508
00:26:45,271 --> 00:26:46,830
shit them out pretty soon.
509
00:26:46,831 --> 00:26:49,150
Come on. It's exciting.
510
00:26:49,151 --> 00:26:51,910
It's like that film with
Ben Stiller and the dinosaur.
511
00:26:51,911 --> 00:26:54,990
No, Vod, It's nothing like
Night at the fucking Museum.
512
00:26:54,991 --> 00:26:56,750
It's like Night at the Museum.
513
00:26:56,751 --> 00:26:59,030
Ah, remember this?
514
00:26:59,031 --> 00:27:00,550
Hello, old friend!
515
00:27:00,551 --> 00:27:03,190
God, that really puts the last
three years into perspective.
516
00:27:03,191 --> 00:27:05,030
Back then, he was just
a light entertainer
517
00:27:05,031 --> 00:27:08,110
and now, he's a genuinely
heavyweight polemicist.
518
00:27:08,111 --> 00:27:11,470
Like, relative to what?
519
00:27:11,471 --> 00:27:12,910
My libido.
520
00:27:12,911 --> 00:27:15,070
SHE SIGHS
Seriously, Kingsley.
521
00:27:15,071 --> 00:27:16,470
I'm just asking.
522
00:27:16,471 --> 00:27:17,990
Relative to what?
523
00:27:17,991 --> 00:27:20,910
A chimp scraping his
dick against a mango tree?
524
00:27:20,911 --> 00:27:22,870
I don't know. Relative to...
525
00:27:22,871 --> 00:27:24,830
normal. So, it's subnormal?
526
00:27:24,831 --> 00:27:27,430
Can I claim benefits? Can I
get a special badge for my car?
527
00:27:27,431 --> 00:27:28,750
My libido's disabled.
528
00:27:28,751 --> 00:27:30,310
Your libido is not disabled.
529
00:27:30,311 --> 00:27:33,030
Can you just be my girlfriend for
the next nine and a half hours?
530
00:27:33,031 --> 00:27:34,830
"Pity the poor eunuch."
531
00:27:34,831 --> 00:27:38,230
Kingsley, I'm not going to be
your inflatable ripcord girlfriend.
532
00:27:38,231 --> 00:27:41,710
"In case of emergency,
insert penis here."
533
00:27:41,711 --> 00:27:43,390
Mole, mate, me again!
534
00:27:43,391 --> 00:27:46,670
If you give me your
sort code, account number
535
00:27:46,671 --> 00:27:48,470
and a copy of your passport,
536
00:27:48,471 --> 00:27:50,550
I will gladly transfer over to you
537
00:27:50,551 --> 00:27:53,510
a sizeable portion
of my premium bonds.
538
00:27:53,511 --> 00:27:55,550
Right, Vod, give them
the money, I need a poo.
539
00:27:55,551 --> 00:27:57,470
Howard, have you got a bucket?
540
00:27:57,471 --> 00:27:58,990
Of course I've got a bucket.
541
00:27:58,991 --> 00:28:02,550
I can't vouch for
its provenance though.
542
00:28:02,551 --> 00:28:03,990
I'm not shitting in a bucket!
543
00:28:03,991 --> 00:28:05,430
"Advanced Physics?!"
544
00:28:05,431 --> 00:28:09,431
Oh, yeah. It's funny you
mention that, actually,
545
00:28:09,631 --> 00:28:12,550
because I am dropping
out of my geology degree
546
00:28:12,551 --> 00:28:15,270
and applying to study physics,
commencing September!
547
00:28:15,271 --> 00:28:17,870
Howard, are you doing it again?
548
00:28:17,871 --> 00:28:20,430
Absolutely not,
that's a ludicrous slur!
549
00:28:20,431 --> 00:28:22,270
I'm just saying that,
every three years,
550
00:28:22,271 --> 00:28:25,070
you do tend to go a bit Coco Pops
the night before your finals.
551
00:28:25,071 --> 00:28:28,710
Thank you for your
psychoanalysis, Miss Carl Jung!
552
00:28:28,711 --> 00:28:31,030
Do you have the fear?
553
00:28:31,031 --> 00:28:32,390
The fear of what?
554
00:28:32,391 --> 00:28:35,710
Moving to London and having your
pants pulled down in Regent's Park.
555
00:28:35,711 --> 00:28:36,870
That's ridiculous!
556
00:28:36,871 --> 00:28:38,710
Howard, you can't drop out now.
557
00:28:38,711 --> 00:28:40,710
You're being a dick. Right, you lot?
558
00:28:40,711 --> 00:28:41,990
Right.
559
00:28:41,991 --> 00:28:44,390
I don't know.
560
00:28:44,391 --> 00:28:47,030
Do you know, I'm just saying that...
561
00:28:47,031 --> 00:28:49,390
three more years at Medlock
562
00:28:49,391 --> 00:28:50,670
does have a ring to it.
563
00:28:50,671 --> 00:28:52,470
God, you're just
trying to clip his wings
564
00:28:52,471 --> 00:28:54,470
cos you're scared of
getting left on your own.
565
00:28:54,471 --> 00:28:56,030
Oh, that is low, Kingsley.
566
00:28:56,031 --> 00:28:57,630
That is relatively low.
567
00:28:57,631 --> 00:28:59,070
Oh, fuck off, Josie.
568
00:28:59,071 --> 00:29:00,230
Hey, mate.
569
00:29:00,231 --> 00:29:01,510
Easy on Jose, OK?
570
00:29:01,511 --> 00:29:04,670
What's it matter to you?
571
00:29:04,671 --> 00:29:08,671
Nothing.
572
00:29:10,511 --> 00:29:13,190
Oh, my god, you're fucking.
573
00:29:13,191 --> 00:29:14,950
Look, Kingo, don't freak out.
574
00:29:14,951 --> 00:29:16,430
Don't freak out?!
575
00:29:16,431 --> 00:29:18,190
Oh, yeah. OK, fine -
576
00:29:18,191 --> 00:29:22,191
because whenever anyone says
that, it's ALWAYS good news(!)
577
00:29:22,431 --> 00:29:24,670
We were just shagging, that's all.
578
00:29:24,671 --> 00:29:27,070
"That's all?!" Well, that is all!
579
00:29:27,071 --> 00:29:28,310
That is all there is!
580
00:29:28,311 --> 00:29:29,790
I wouldn't even call it shagging.
581
00:29:29,791 --> 00:29:30,950
It was more like...
582
00:29:30,951 --> 00:29:32,670
bonking. Yeah, bonking!
583
00:29:32,671 --> 00:29:34,270
You can't go mad about bonking.
584
00:29:34,271 --> 00:29:35,790
It's fun, it's smutty,
585
00:29:35,791 --> 00:29:37,750
it's Sid James and Babs Windsor!
586
00:29:37,751 --> 00:29:40,990
So THAT'S why you were entering his
bedroom at 3.20 every morning. Ah!
587
00:29:40,991 --> 00:29:44,430
Howard. Amazing! Even Howard knew!
588
00:29:44,431 --> 00:29:47,510
I mean, he doesn't understand it
but he's got the raw fucking data!
589
00:29:47,511 --> 00:29:49,270
Did everyone know?
590
00:29:49,271 --> 00:29:50,510
Sorry, mate.
591
00:29:50,511 --> 00:29:54,070
Jose told us right before she
cold-cocked me in the truth tent.
592
00:29:54,071 --> 00:29:57,030
Also, I feel like I knew before
I knew, if you know what I mean?
593
00:29:57,031 --> 00:29:59,630
Like, I kind of tend to assume
that she's either riding you
594
00:29:59,631 --> 00:30:01,350
or you at any given moment.
595
00:30:01,351 --> 00:30:05,310
Does anyone else want to emotionally
violate me the day before my finals?
596
00:30:05,311 --> 00:30:06,710
I mean, really!
597
00:30:06,711 --> 00:30:10,711
Does anyone else want to
take a shit in my mouth?
598
00:30:13,471 --> 00:30:17,070
Now, why can't I see my hands?
599
00:30:17,071 --> 00:30:19,030
My palms are swirly. I can't...
600
00:30:19,031 --> 00:30:22,390
I can't see my hands.
601
00:30:22,391 --> 00:30:24,190
I'm fucking blind.
602
00:30:24,191 --> 00:30:26,190
Just don't be a drama queen.
603
00:30:26,191 --> 00:30:29,790
That, Kingsley, is an ocular
migraine brought on by stress.
604
00:30:29,791 --> 00:30:33,470
I had one when they
switched off Teletext.
605
00:30:33,471 --> 00:30:34,790
Well...
606
00:30:34,791 --> 00:30:36,270
So, I'm blind!
607
00:30:36,271 --> 00:30:38,470
Thank you, Josie. Thank
you for making me go blind!
608
00:30:38,471 --> 00:30:41,230
What about JP? He gets half
the blame! He gets one eye!
609
00:30:41,231 --> 00:30:43,950
Aw, ow! Tummy cramps!
610
00:30:43,951 --> 00:30:46,910
Ah, great, so that's my stool
cycle interrupted before my exams.
611
00:30:46,911 --> 00:30:49,230
Cheers, Vod!
Kingsley, It was nothing.
612
00:30:49,231 --> 00:30:51,190
It was a one-off.
613
00:30:51,191 --> 00:30:52,910
Well, a series of one-offs.
614
00:30:52,911 --> 00:30:54,150
That have come to an end.
615
00:30:54,151 --> 00:30:55,270
Very recently.
616
00:30:55,271 --> 00:30:56,830
Very finally.
617
00:30:56,831 --> 00:30:57,950
I mean...
618
00:30:57,951 --> 00:30:59,390
seven days clean.
619
00:30:59,391 --> 00:31:00,510
You know, it's funny,
620
00:31:00,511 --> 00:31:03,110
I don't remember you moaning
that much when we were doing it.
621
00:31:03,111 --> 00:31:05,190
Oh, sorry, my mistake - yes, I do.
622
00:31:05,191 --> 00:31:07,270
HE MOANS
623
00:31:07,271 --> 00:31:09,950
Shut up, JP. Yeah, shut up!
624
00:31:09,951 --> 00:31:12,470
Because that's just the way
you like me, isn't it, Jose?
625
00:31:12,471 --> 00:31:15,590
Silent, compliant JP!
626
00:31:15,591 --> 00:31:18,310
The big, disgusting dildo.
627
00:31:18,311 --> 00:31:20,150
Well, how's that?
628
00:31:20,151 --> 00:31:21,990
MUFFLED: Is that
better for you? Huh?
629
00:31:21,991 --> 00:31:24,310
Now if he's making this
about him, it's not about him.
630
00:31:24,311 --> 00:31:25,750
It's not about you, JP!
631
00:31:25,751 --> 00:31:27,950
You know what? I like you.
632
00:31:27,951 --> 00:31:30,430
There, I like you, deal with that...
633
00:31:30,431 --> 00:31:32,230
No, you fucking don't.
634
00:31:32,231 --> 00:31:34,870
..but it doesn't matter...
635
00:31:34,871 --> 00:31:37,470
because Tomothy has
got me a job in London
636
00:31:37,471 --> 00:31:38,870
and I'm going to move there,
637
00:31:38,871 --> 00:31:41,670
so you're never going
to have to see me again.
638
00:31:41,671 --> 00:31:43,830
You're going to work for Tomothy?
639
00:31:43,831 --> 00:31:46,630
Yes, he's offered me
a badly-paid position
640
00:31:46,631 --> 00:31:48,310
doing something that I will hate
641
00:31:48,311 --> 00:31:50,830
and I have accepted. I knew it.
642
00:31:50,831 --> 00:31:52,830
I knew you were going to
end up like one of them.
643
00:31:52,831 --> 00:31:55,430
I mean, you held out for,
like, 20 minutes but I knew it.
644
00:31:55,431 --> 00:31:57,230
They're going to ride me, Josie.
645
00:31:57,231 --> 00:31:58,910
Do you understand?
646
00:31:58,911 --> 00:32:01,150
They're going to ride me
round and round that office
647
00:32:01,151 --> 00:32:02,990
like one of those
novelty mini motorbikes.
648
00:32:02,991 --> 00:32:04,710
Then why are you doing it?!
649
00:32:04,711 --> 00:32:06,830
Because...
650
00:32:06,831 --> 00:32:08,510
What other choice do I have?
651
00:32:08,511 --> 00:32:09,990
Oh, my god!
652
00:32:09,991 --> 00:32:11,910
You want to play the pity game?
653
00:32:11,911 --> 00:32:13,710
Yeah? Where's my hand?
654
00:32:13,711 --> 00:32:16,230
I'm blind,
I don't have a girlfriend,
655
00:32:16,231 --> 00:32:17,630
I don't have any books,
656
00:32:17,631 --> 00:32:19,150
I've got my finals tomorrow,
657
00:32:19,151 --> 00:32:20,950
I've got a RELATIVELY low libido.
658
00:32:20,951 --> 00:32:22,310
In fact, while I'm at it,
659
00:32:22,311 --> 00:32:25,790
some more squat thrusts, I think!
660
00:32:25,791 --> 00:32:28,790
Which, of course, only
exacerbate my migraine.
661
00:32:28,791 --> 00:32:30,870
God, I love my life(!)
662
00:32:30,871 --> 00:32:33,150
Oh, stop fucking whining, Kingsley.
663
00:32:33,151 --> 00:32:34,750
You're such a little bitch.
664
00:32:34,751 --> 00:32:37,070
I have cause to moan, Josie.
665
00:32:37,071 --> 00:32:39,550
You can either sit around
feeling sorry for yourself
666
00:32:39,551 --> 00:32:41,670
or you can get up
and do some revision.
667
00:32:41,671 --> 00:32:42,990
How?!
668
00:32:42,991 --> 00:32:45,950
I don't have any
books and I'm blind!
669
00:32:45,951 --> 00:32:48,270
Do you think that stopped
Stevie Wonder, Kingsley?
670
00:32:48,271 --> 00:32:52,190
He did not go blind the night
before his geology finals!
671
00:32:52,191 --> 00:32:55,950
Right, I'm going to
get you through this...
672
00:32:55,951 --> 00:32:59,951
because I consider myself to be...
673
00:32:59,991 --> 00:33:03,750
..a kind of mother hen to you all.
674
00:33:03,751 --> 00:33:06,230
Don't, because you will make me cry.
675
00:33:06,231 --> 00:33:09,230
Oh, shut up, Josie.
676
00:33:09,231 --> 00:33:11,110
Sorry, but this isn't about you.
677
00:33:11,111 --> 00:33:14,950
You're always sticking your
beak in like a big Welsh heron.
678
00:33:14,951 --> 00:33:18,951
Just...
SHE SQUAWKS
679
00:33:19,271 --> 00:33:20,710
Well, that's nice, isn't it?
680
00:33:20,711 --> 00:33:22,230
God!
681
00:33:22,231 --> 00:33:26,231
Don't you have your
own life to sort out?
682
00:33:27,551 --> 00:33:30,470
I was just trying
to help, actually,
683
00:33:30,471 --> 00:33:33,550
because I'm going to be stuck
here, next year, on my own
684
00:33:33,551 --> 00:33:35,390
and I was just trying
to be a good friend
685
00:33:35,391 --> 00:33:38,070
because I wanted to help you all
out, cos I'm such a good friend.
686
00:33:38,071 --> 00:33:40,950
I'm such a good friend that I have
to tell you, actually, Oregon,
687
00:33:40,951 --> 00:33:43,550
that you're NOT
getting your Fulbright.
688
00:33:43,551 --> 00:33:46,190
Because I'm a really good friend,
and you just have to face up
689
00:33:46,191 --> 00:33:50,191
to reality because I'm a really,
really, really good friend.
690
00:33:54,791 --> 00:33:58,550
You opened it?
691
00:33:58,551 --> 00:34:00,270
I think I might open a window.
692
00:34:00,271 --> 00:34:02,030
I might just hide behind this box.
693
00:34:02,031 --> 00:34:04,110
I'm a really, really good friend.
694
00:34:04,111 --> 00:34:07,390
Basically, I'm a really,
really good friend.
695
00:34:07,391 --> 00:34:11,391
SHE SOBS
696
00:34:26,831 --> 00:34:30,831
TV BLARES
697
00:34:31,351 --> 00:34:32,830
He's watching Ross Kemp,
698
00:34:32,831 --> 00:34:35,310
so that's going to
get him all riled.
699
00:34:35,311 --> 00:34:36,910
Give them the money, Vod.
700
00:34:36,911 --> 00:34:38,710
Yeah, Vod. Give them the money.
701
00:34:38,711 --> 00:34:41,590
He's getting tired up
there, I can sense it.
702
00:34:41,591 --> 00:34:44,590
All that ransacking, it does you in.
703
00:34:44,591 --> 00:34:47,230
I'm back to one eye.
704
00:34:47,231 --> 00:34:50,310
I'm basically going into
my finals as a cyclops.
705
00:34:50,311 --> 00:34:52,990
God, I'm going to end up
moving back home, aren't I?
706
00:34:52,991 --> 00:34:54,790
Me, living with my mum,
707
00:34:54,791 --> 00:34:57,030
washing her massive, beige bras.
708
00:34:57,031 --> 00:35:00,630
Howard, I was being stupid.
709
00:35:00,631 --> 00:35:02,670
You can't start again
710
00:35:02,671 --> 00:35:04,870
and you can't stay at
university forever.
711
00:35:04,871 --> 00:35:06,590
Ultimately, that remains to be seen.
712
00:35:06,591 --> 00:35:08,230
Do you know what, Howard?
713
00:35:08,231 --> 00:35:09,790
You're not even that weird.
714
00:35:09,791 --> 00:35:11,390
Not any more.
715
00:35:11,391 --> 00:35:14,550
I mean, you are still
a little bit weird.
716
00:35:14,551 --> 00:35:17,710
I did see you eating that
moth about three months ago.
717
00:35:17,711 --> 00:35:20,630
Yeah, I mean, when I first met you,
718
00:35:20,631 --> 00:35:23,470
I used to dread spending
three seconds with you -
719
00:35:23,471 --> 00:35:26,750
but now I could go,
I don't know,
720
00:35:26,751 --> 00:35:28,870
up to 50 minutes in your company
721
00:35:28,871 --> 00:35:30,430
before I need just a little break.
722
00:35:30,431 --> 00:35:32,710
But what if I flounder?
723
00:35:32,711 --> 00:35:34,710
What if I forget to
swipe my Oyster card
724
00:35:34,711 --> 00:35:37,630
and Transport For London chooses
to make an example of me?
725
00:35:37,631 --> 00:35:40,110
What if I get mugged
every day by the same guy
726
00:35:40,111 --> 00:35:41,550
who can't stop mugging me
727
00:35:41,551 --> 00:35:43,670
because I'm insanely muggable?
728
00:35:43,671 --> 00:35:45,350
Howard...
729
00:35:45,351 --> 00:35:48,030
you're ready.
730
00:35:48,031 --> 00:35:49,910
THUMPING
731
00:35:49,911 --> 00:35:52,430
Right, Vod. Time's up, girl.
732
00:35:52,431 --> 00:35:54,550
Give us the money or
we're smashing the guitar.
733
00:35:54,551 --> 00:35:55,750
What guitar?
734
00:35:55,751 --> 00:35:57,110
Which guitar?
735
00:35:57,111 --> 00:35:59,790
Come on, Mole.
736
00:35:59,791 --> 00:36:01,310
Don't be such a prick.
737
00:36:01,311 --> 00:36:02,670
Don't agitate him,
738
00:36:02,671 --> 00:36:04,110
he's all hopped-up on Ross Kemp!
739
00:36:04,111 --> 00:36:06,830
Is it the Tanglewood or the Yamaha?
MUFFLED YELLING
740
00:36:06,831 --> 00:36:09,230
Could you just look at the
headstock and read it out to me?
741
00:36:09,231 --> 00:36:11,510
Enough's enough, Vod.
Just give them the money.
742
00:36:11,511 --> 00:36:15,470
I cannot stress highly
enough how much I need a poo.
743
00:36:15,471 --> 00:36:17,230
It is 60 grand!
744
00:36:17,231 --> 00:36:19,670
'Vod, listen, girl,
I'm not fucking about!'
745
00:36:19,671 --> 00:36:21,070
You're not going to do this?
746
00:36:21,071 --> 00:36:23,630
Look me in the eye - this eye -
747
00:36:23,631 --> 00:36:25,590
and tell me you're going to do this?
748
00:36:25,591 --> 00:36:28,910
Vod, just forget about the
fucking grad ball. Who cares?
749
00:36:28,911 --> 00:36:31,350
Look, this isn't about
the ball, all right?
750
00:36:31,351 --> 00:36:33,910
I need this money cos...
751
00:36:33,911 --> 00:36:35,790
..it's my finals tomorrow
752
00:36:35,791 --> 00:36:37,390
and I'm about to fuck them up.
753
00:36:37,391 --> 00:36:38,670
No, you're not.
754
00:36:38,671 --> 00:36:41,710
No, I need a fall-back option.
755
00:36:41,711 --> 00:36:43,990
I don't have a miracle, not me.
756
00:36:43,991 --> 00:36:45,910
I've got no-one. You've got us.
757
00:36:45,911 --> 00:36:47,990
No, this is real money.
758
00:36:47,991 --> 00:36:49,750
I could do something with this.
759
00:36:49,751 --> 00:36:52,190
'I'm cutting the
guitar strings, Vod.'
760
00:36:52,191 --> 00:36:54,070
STRING SNAPS
761
00:36:54,071 --> 00:36:56,310
No, that's it, gone again.
762
00:36:56,311 --> 00:37:00,110
I mean, when am I ever going to
get 60 grand again in my life?
763
00:37:00,111 --> 00:37:02,510
Vod, please don't screw
up our finals for us.
764
00:37:02,511 --> 00:37:04,310
STRING SNAPS
Ah.
765
00:37:04,311 --> 00:37:07,750
'Right, last chance, Vod, or
I'm smashing the shit out of it!'
766
00:37:07,751 --> 00:37:09,430
'Three...'
STRING SNAPS
767
00:37:09,431 --> 00:37:11,190
Ahh. '..two...' Do something, Vod.
768
00:37:11,191 --> 00:37:14,470
He's about to have a fucking stroke!
769
00:37:14,471 --> 00:37:18,110
'Vod, I'm not fucking messing, love!
770
00:37:18,111 --> 00:37:22,111
'Where the fuck is it?!
771
00:37:23,111 --> 00:37:27,111
'Vod?!' All right, I'm coming!
772
00:37:29,071 --> 00:37:31,350
Just take it, you dirty monster.
773
00:37:31,351 --> 00:37:35,351
'Nice one. Sorry for bothering you.'
774
00:37:38,111 --> 00:37:42,111
TV BLARES
775
00:37:42,391 --> 00:37:44,990
Thanks, Vod.
776
00:37:44,991 --> 00:37:47,030
No worries.
777
00:37:47,031 --> 00:37:51,031
You would've done the same for me.
778
00:37:51,991 --> 00:37:55,830
OK, so, I've got a geology exam
I should probably cram for.
779
00:37:55,831 --> 00:37:59,831
OK, I think I'm going
to just... Yeah.
780
00:38:02,631 --> 00:38:04,670
I'm sure you're aware but...
781
00:38:04,671 --> 00:38:08,671
everyone got quite
nutty down in the cellar.
782
00:38:09,071 --> 00:38:11,110
You don't REALLY like me, do you?
783
00:38:11,111 --> 00:38:14,110
No, I definitely don't like you.
784
00:38:14,111 --> 00:38:15,510
Good...
785
00:38:15,511 --> 00:38:18,950
because I DEFINITELY don't like you.
786
00:38:18,951 --> 00:38:21,630
Well, that's...
787
00:38:21,631 --> 00:38:25,631
..worked out pretty
tooting perfectly.
788
00:38:27,911 --> 00:38:31,270
Did he take my guitar?
789
00:38:31,271 --> 00:38:35,271
Where's my guitar?
790
00:38:35,551 --> 00:38:36,870
SMASH
791
00:38:36,871 --> 00:38:38,790
Ah, fuck!
792
00:38:38,791 --> 00:38:41,710
Oh!
793
00:38:41,711 --> 00:38:45,711
I've stepped on my fucking guitar!
794
00:38:49,311 --> 00:38:53,311
MUSIC: Insieme A Te Non Ci Sto Piu
by Caterina Caselli
795
00:39:19,631 --> 00:39:28,070
Subtitles by Ericsson
796
00:39:28,071 --> 00:39:29,091
797
00:39:29,141 --> 00:39:33,691
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
60202
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
