All language subtitles for Fresh Meat s03e08.eg

I'm running to be the next president
of the Student Union

and I'm thinking of being Labour.

What's in it for me? Sell it to me.

Normally, WE vet candidates, rather
than have the candidates vet us.

Oh, right. Typical politician,
twisting everything around.

Are you familiar with our policies?

You need to be able to articulate
why people should vote for us.

Oh, right. So, it's all about good grammar and
elocution lessons. I should join the Tories,

is that what you're saying? I'm not saying
that. Now you're twisting MY words. Am I?

Or are YOU twisting my words?

No.

You're twisting my words.

You see, this is why everyone
thinks Blair's a cunt. Forget it.

Obviously, I've got a problem
with the whole...

anti-Europe thing cos I like
to go to Amsterdam a lot.

Also, I hate everything about you.

I just came in to have a go.

Plus, I love KFC.

Guessing that's a bit
of a deal-breaker?

Nah.

Candice, um...

I have something to ask you.

Would you be interested in...

getting me a yogurt
from the fridge?

Can't you just get it yourself?

Yes.

This is the drawing room.

There's a lot of slugs,
but don't worry, I'll kill them.

And the shower's blocked.

Pubes. Howard's probably.

But don't worry.
I'll, er, de-pube it.

TV, it's got a wok in it.
I'll probably chuck the TV.

Might keep the wok.
What's going on?

I'm selling the house.

What? That's right.
I'm selling the house.

This shitty university is full
of people that don't care about me.

So, from now on,
I'm all about number one.

So, how's that going
to be different?

Kindly pass the eviction notice
on to Josie

and He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named

aka He-Who-Is-A-Massive-Shithead.

They're on day two
of their relationship summit.

I overheard Kingsley doing
that strangulated gargling thing

he does when he's very stressed.
It does not bode well.

Good. Well, I hope that she dumps
him, he kills himself

and then she takes a piss
on his corpse

because THAT is what he deserves.

Well, I'll be union president,

so I'll be getting paid
and probably renting somewhere.

Well, no. I'll be president
of the union.

You, er, don't mind if I roach a
little bit of your postcard, do you?

All right, Vod. You've had your fun.
It's all a big joke.

Ah-ha, ah-ha-ha.

But we both know that you're not
going to go through with this.

You don't stand a chance.

You think I'm an idiot, don't you?
Well, if I'm an idiot

how come we're so close
in the surveys?

Polls. They're called polls.
Whatever.

And it's not exactly MORI.

It's a website run by a man
who calls himself David Dimbledick

and uses a picture of a penis
as a swingometer.

No-one will actually
vote for you. No-one.

Oh, right. What about you, Candice?
You'll vote for me, won't you?

No. Why not?
You don't have any policies.

Yeah, I do. Cheap chips.

You have one policy. I don't think
one policy is enough.

What about you, Japes?
You'll vote for me, right?

No.

Because?

Because you owe me ?1,000
in back rent.

Howard!

Democracy is an illusion.

I WILL be taking part
in its ritualistic charade,

but only in order to spoil
my ballot paper

which I will do by making lists
of contemporary human rights abuses,

such as Facebook's privacy settings.

Hey, babe, would you
like some juice?

Oh, I'd love some.
Can I get you some cereal?

Aw, hun, thanks!
God, isn't he great?

Right. What's happening?

Nothing. We're just happy.

Oh. So, you broke up?

Hey, what about Sexy Mike?
Didn't you quite like Sexy Mike?

Oh, God, yeah. And Big Dick Mike.

Oh, God, yeah. Who could
forget Big Dick Mike?

I don't know cos
I certainly haven't.

What about those girls
in the record store?

You liked them, didn't you? "Watch out, ladies.
The Pussyman's on the prowl!" Ha! Yeah. Rrrrr!

What the hairy hell is going on?

Nothing. No biggie.

We've just decided to have
an open relationship.

Oh. So, you're available?

I know it sounds incredibly bohemian
and, well, actually, it is.

But we'll still be going out. We can
just see other people if we want.

So, you're available?

It's like, why would you have
the same dinner over and over again

when you could sample a range
of items from the sex mezze?

Hmm. Interesting. Like a kind
of genital all-you-can-eat.

Obviously, we're going to fancy
other people. That's natural.

We're young. That doesn't go away
until you're, like, I dunno, 29.

So, we're doing the whole
Scandinavian thing.

What, serial killing? Being free.

You should not be messing with this.

This is black-belt screw-jitsu.
Have you written up the rules?

We don't need rules.

So, you're definitely available?

Although I did say one rule should
be that Josie can't sleep with JP.

Yeah, you do need rules cos
otherwise it's fucking carnage.

It gets all, "He's fucking her
so I'm fucking him."

"He's having a threesome
with two other girls. Right.

"I'm having two threesomes
with four other blokes."

And before you know it, one of you

is blowing a donkey in a car park
full of truckers.

You need rules.

What's going on?

The open relationship.
I'd like to apply for a position.

Er, it doesn't really
work like that.

Please, hear me out. Take a seat.

I've prepared a brief
PowerPoint presentation. What?

Accessibility.

I live only metres away
from your bed

which means, due to my unique
position within the market place,

I can respond to your demands
almost immediately.

I can be in your bedroom,
naked, in 18 seconds.

That is pretty quick. Familiarity.

We've had sex before. We already
have a good working relationship.

Reliability.
I orgasm or my money back?

I can be trusted to deliver
a quality product,

even under trying circumstances
or on a tight deadline.

I've got a proven track record.

Compatibility. I have a cock.

You have a vagina.

My cock works in your vagina.

Therefore, I am Josie-compatible.

Forbidden Fruit. Kingsley says
we can't have sex with each other

which is all the more reason
to have sex with each other

because as we all know,
forbidden fruit...

tastes the fruitiest.

So, in conclusion, I think that me
and you are the perfect match.

We're like Fortnum and Mason
or gull's eggs and celery salt.

So, I think if you drill down
into my proposal

you'll find there really is
no downside.

Thank you. Look, I'm touched
by your PowerPoint presentation.

What girl wouldn't be?

But I'm afraid
I'm going to have to say no.

That slide only really works
if you'd said yes.

Candice...

I know I have missed
my opportunity to be with you

because I am stupid and pathetic
and a coward and self-destructive

and I was rude to you about the
party when I shouldn't have been,

but the fact is...

I actually like you...

a lot.

So would you please not kiss
Goth Gary outside my window.

We weren't kissing. His lip-ring got
caught on my earring.

I thought you were having
a long, erotic kiss.

No. We were having
a long, un-erotic tussle,

followed by a very short, un-erotic
tearing of my ear cartilage.

But you are going out?

No. I thought about it,
but it didn't seem right.

Then...

Then...

would you go out with me?

Yeah.

Really? Yeah. I'd like that.

OK.

Great.

I don't know what to do now
so I'm going to go back in my room.

Seriously, were you dropped
on your head as a child?

I'm not some hick from Didsbury
or Timperley. I'm from London

where they have all the jobs
and the money. You know, London,

where they film the helicopter shots
for The Apprentice

and they film the rest
of The Apprentice.

My point is, I know about business,
so sort it out.

Jacket potato, please. With cheese.

Yes, I have taken the wok
out of the television

which means now it's time that you
up keep your end of the bargain

and get me some viewings. Goodbye.

J-penis, How goes it?
I'm standing as the Tory candidate.

The first steps on the inevitable
road to Number Ten.

Well, not sure I want
a career in politics, really.

But it keeps the old man happy.

Well, of course
I can count on your vote. No.

Sorry, what's that? I thought for a
moment you said, "No." That's right.

I don't do anything
for anyone any more.

I'm all about number one.

Dude, that is EXACTLY
why I'm standing.

I represent everyone who's only
interested in themselves.

Can't talk. Got a potato.

Laters.

But... No!

I can get another ticket
to Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds.

I thought, bit of a novelty,
you might like to come.

Yeah. Um, I dunno...

because you know I don't like your
music. Yeah, just give it a try.

Have a listen.

What do you think?

I don't like it.
It's only just started.

Oh, I still don't like it.
Wait till the chorus kicks in.

I don't like it.
Why don't you like it?

It sounds like something that
would be played at a hobo's funeral

by other hobos.

Um, let me play you another track.

Yeah, OK. This is better. See?

But I don't like it.

Um, please don't make me go.
I will self-harm.

Thanks for asking, though.

Are you interested in safeguarding
the student hardship fund?

Because... you should be. I mean,
I don't want to sound overly earnest

or hectoring, but this is
a serious issue and...

you need to engage with it.

We need to enter into a dialogue
and have a mature debate.

Wanker.

Hi, Oregon. Oh. How's it going?

Great. Really great. I think
I'm really connecting with people.

I'm hearing a lot of people are
saying they're going to vote for Vod.

Vod is a joke candidate. Ignore her.

Oregon, you have to take
Vod seriously.

What? That?

THAT'S not the problem.

THIS is the problem.

Vod is God!

Oh, shit.

Vod is God!

Right. Ask me another question.

Is binge drinking
in the union a concern

and if so, what do you propose
to do about it?

Cheap chips. Another.

If there was a conflict between
the union and the university

when you were in charge,
how would you resolve it?

Cheap chips. Yeah, we don't really
need to rehearse any more,

not if you're going to say
the same thing to every question.

Hey. So, did you find
anyone to go with?

No. Can you believe that?

Yes. Yes, I can.
So, are you still going to go?

Well, yeah, obviously.

This is Nick Cave we're talking
about, not... Beady Eye.

Yeah, listen, by the way...

Sam will be there.

Obviously, we're not going together.
She's going. I'm going.

We're just two people going to
the same place at the same time.

But we're going separately. Although
even if we were going together,

we're in an open relationship,

so it'd be fine. But nothing's going
to happen, so it's doubly fine

and, um, I think it's fine so...

Do you think it's fine?

Yeah. I guess it's fine.

Oh, great. God, we're being
so mature, aren't we?

So, are you enjoying the date?

Are you going to say
anything on the date?

I'm scared to, in case
I ruin the date.

You're going to ruin the date
if you don't say anything.

I'm not an improviser.

I don't riff.

I couldn't even name you an
improviser off the top of my head.

Eddie Izzard?

I don't know what to say.

We could do some flirting?

Yes! OK, then.

You look nice. So do you.

So, that's flirting done, then! Tick.
Tick.

What next?

Um, we could maybe go for an ironic
public display of affection?

Tick. Tick.

We're on a roll.

What next?

Maybe I could invite you
back to my place for a coffee?

Like Joey from Friends.

I don't know who that is.

What is the most important issue
facing the student union today?

Two words.

Cheap chips.

Cheap chips!

I disagree with that totally.

Oh, here we go.

I've done a costing of Vod's cheap
chips policy and it doesn't add up.

If as she proposes, she reduces

the price of French fries, curly
fries, Denver fries, spicy wedges

by 50%, this will cost
the union ?500 a day.

That's Vod's room.

Vod's hot, but I don't think
we're ever going to bang now.

Oregon's room. Also hot.

Although again, somehow
we're never going to bang.

That's Josie's room. Again, hot.

And lovely.

Sometimes I wonder whether we'll end
up living together in Notting Hill.

Me as Chancellor of the Exchequer,

her as the daughter of a seamstress
done good.

I think she might be
my Kate Middleton.

I love candles. They're so romantic.

I have them in case of earthquakes
or meteor strikes

or local authority mismanagement.

Oh. I think I just stood on a snail.

OK. Just, er, wait there.
Don't move. Don't leave.

Or don't break-up with me.

What are you doing?

Just putting some more salt
down around the bed

so the slugs can't get in.

OK. Now we can go back to
being romantic.

I want you to give me everything.

Yes.

Of course.

Meaning? I want to do it
in all the positions.

Missionary, modified missionary,
non-missionary, everything.

OK. Listen, I've got
a request as well.

Erm, can we do it twice?

For the first time, can we do it
as a kind of throat clearer,

a rough sketch of, you know,
the areas you've just proposed.

And then, you know, just get it out
the way, then have a breather

and then do it again, but this time,
do it with proper colouring in

or a fairly detailed cross-hatching
of said areas at least. Sounds good.

Are you ready? I'm ready.

Then let battle commence.

And this is me...

This is my house flag.

It's a trident with
dongs for prongs.

The big dong is mine, obviously.

Then that's Kingsley's
and the weird,

wonky, little, misshapen one
is Howard's.

I painted that
at the beginning of term.

I was happy then.

We were friends then.

I should go.

Don't go.

I'm going to go.

Although, I could stay.
I am in an open relationship.

Exactly.
You're in an open relationship.

She texted me to say she was
going round Noah's house,

but she hasn't texted me to say
what she's doing at Noah's house.

I mean, what if she's sleeping with him
right now? Shouldn't she tell me that?

So, she should text you during sex?

"I'm humping someone else right now.
Smiley face, smiley face, O face."

Well, no, obviously not that.
Although, maybe it could be that.

Or she could text me just before.
"Can you just hold that erection

"cos I have to text my boyfriend
you have an erection?" That sort of thing?

I just think it would be good
to know.

I'm thinking I won't sleep with you

because she might not sleep
with Noah.

I don't want to hurt her feelings.

But if she does sleep with Noah,

I probably DO need to sleep with you
so I don't hurt her feelings.

The key to making an open
relationship work is communication.

You do realise you're saying this
all out loud?

Yeah. I'm not taking
anything for granted.

It's just, I like you and you like me and we're
definitely in a position to explore that more,

if you want to and I want to

and I think I probably do want to,
if you want to.

OK. I still haven't heard from her,
so I'm going to assume

she is sleeping with Noah.

Which is fine. Totally fine.

So, why don't I come back to yours?

'You have no new messages.'

Josie?

What's the matter?

Everything's just falling apart.

Don't worry.

I've taken the house off the market.

I'm not selling it.

I don't mean like that. Everything's
falling apart with Kingsley.

He's sleeping with Sam.

I hate him.

Do you want to chip? No.
Go on have a chip.

No, I don't want a chip.
Chips are great.

They're made of chopped up unicorns
and have magical properties

and solve all the world's problems.

Why won't you answer my question?

Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?

Why did you pick on me?

I didn't pick on YOU,
I picked on your policies.

They're stupid. Are you saying I'm
stupid? Is that what you're saying?

What is this really about?

I'm pissed off because
I care about this

and you don't give a shit.
You're going to abandon it,

just like you abandon everything
else,

just like you abandoned
your husband,

just like you abandoned your mum

and just like you abandoned me
on holiday.

Oh, my God. Are you still
going on about the holiday?!

So, I got off with a hot Mexican guy
and left you on your own for a bit.

I mean, what is the big deal?

You're my wingman.

I'm not your wingman.

And I'm not your sidekick.

And if this carries on, maybe
I'm not your friend.

Bit harsh.

So, the PowerPoint
worked then? What?!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The PowerPoint worked.

The PowerPoint totally worked.

And now, I want a different
kind of PowerPoint,

the PowerPoint in your pants.

I must warn you that kind of talk
massively turns me on.

Yeah? Good. Well, hump me
with your PowerPoint.

Oh, yeah! I will.

I will hump you with my PowerPoint.

'You have no new messages.

'Press one to return to the menu.'

Should we? Er, yeah.

I mean, I want to. Do I?

No, I do!

No, no, no. You're right.

I can't... I can't do this.

But you've got a massive erection.

Yes, I do.

No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
I can't. I can't. I can't.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Shit. What if I told you that
I don't think I can do this?

Um, well, I'd feel frustrated
and horny

and angry and guilty but...

yeah, maybe for the best.

God.

Maybe we could just
diddle each other.

No, you're right. We can't
even diddle each other.

God, having a conscience is so shit.

It's like being Catholic.

Or a woman.

Fucking awful.

No offence.

Morning.

I thought you'd left.
Why would I do that?

I don't know.

By the way, you've got
a slug on your bum.

Of course. Suddenly, everyone wants
a piece of my hot ass.

So, breakfast...

or sex?

Hmm.

And now with her final statement,

Violet Nordstrom,
Independent Cheap Chips Party.

Yeah, so...

there's some new policies
that I want to talk about.

If I get elected, I will be burning
all the books in the library,

starting with the men, but then
doing all the women as well.

Wankers.

I... I'll be banging CCTV
into every dorm

and then publishing a weekly report

of who's screwing who,
just for a laugh.

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm trying to get me NOT elected,
so you can get elected, dickhead.

Oh. Well...

Right. Thanks. Um...
Seriously though,

what do I need to do get them
to stop liking me?

Take a shit on the pool table?

Two words -

homophobic rant.

Right. Don't forget
about the election.

I'm cleaning the house so that we
can have a party for the winner.

But first, I'm going to be snorting

a schnozz-full of grade A
Colombian gack,

then scrubbing this mother down.
Feel free to have some if you want.

Thanks. I'll just stick to toast.

OK. OK. What about this?

I will...

take down all the disabled ramps.

Yeah! Fuck, yeah! Am I allowed
to vote for another candidate? No?

All right. Here goes.

My last policy...

is one for the gays.

This is what I think
about the gays.

So, you didn't do
anything with Sam?

No.

I mean, I could have done,
obviously.

But then I just thought,
"Is it worth it?

"No, it's not worth it."

And you didn't do anything
with Noah? With Noah? God no.

That was never going to happen.
Great. So everything's fine.

We're all fine. We can
just go back to normal.

Yeah.

Except everything's not fine, is it?

Well, maybe we just need to do
something to keep things fresh.

We could have a threesome
or get into open-air sex.

That's not the answer.
Or we could try chastity.

The concept, I mean.
Not Chastity from your course.

Kingsley, listen to yourself.

Marriage, followed by
marriage counselling.

We could move to New Zealand
and start a farm.

Or we could do that thing from Germany
where one of you eats a bit of the other one.

Yeah, that well-known way
of saving a relationship,

by eating your way out of trouble.

I love you. I'm going to do whatever
it takes to make this work.

I will shave off my soul patch.
I will stop eating penne.

Or carrying on eating penne.
Whichever it is you want me to do.

And I will listen to Mumford and Sons with
you and I will not make sarcastic remarks

and I will not dance ironically
and I will do everything you want

and I will make you happy
and we will buy a house

overlooking the Gower Peninsula and
we'll have two kids and we'll grow old together

and sit in the sun in our garden
and hold hands till we're 90

and we'll be in love

and we'll be happy.

OK.

And THAT is what I would do
to the gays...

if I was elected.

Wow. I mean, wow.
I totally agree with that.

I would never say that out loud. I mean,
this is the problem with modern politics.

There are no personalities any more.

No racist or homophobic
personalities.

So, if there's no questions...

that's it. Cheers.

Give me that!

I can't believe you did that for me.

Yeah, it's a pretty weird
act of friendship.

You will still need
an ents manager, right?

Yeah.

One who gets paid
in free beer, yeah?

Yeah. Although that might be tricky because
now you have a reputation as a homophobe.

Thanks for your patience.
The results will be in any moment.

Oh, hi.

You OK? Yeah.

You seem quiet? I'm fine.

Hey. I've only gone and taken
the house off the market.

I'm a fucking hero and I'm not just saying
that because I've done a shed load of coke.

I mean, I have done a shed load
of coke, but I am a hero anyway.

Quick one about that. Is it obvious
that I've done a shed load of coke?

Cos, I mean, I have. Actually,
don't even bother answering that

because even if it is obvious,
I don't fucking care.

Look, have I ruined things
between you and Kingsley?

No, you haven't ruined anything

cos you didn't DO anything,
remember?

Ah, gotcha.

Oh, my God. Look. It's Sam.

Right. I'm going to talk to Sam.
Well, I wouldn't if I were you.

Mate, seriously, if there's one thing people
on coke are good at, it's talking to people.

As long as I'm not required
to listen, this can't go wrong.

Hey, Sam. I need to talk to you.

JP, I know I'm amazing,
but you need to get over me.

Yeah. That's what I want
to talk to you about.

I think that you are totally
and utterly amazing.

And I'm not just saying that because
I've done a fuckload of coke.

I HAVE done a fuckload of coke so
I should probably mention that straight up.

But basically, I've realised
that we weren't in love.

What we had was not love because,
yeah, I loved you,

but you didn't love me and when two
people are actually in love,

that's hard enough to stay in love. If one of us
didn't love the other, it can't have been love

and I'm genuinely sorry because
I think I got a little bit obsessed

and maybe started projecting some
feelings about you that weren't about you.

I'm really sorry and I know this
sounds like it's the coke talking

and it definitely is the coke
talking, but I do also mean it.

Thank you.

Right. Were you just
coming on to me? No.

Good. OK. Yeah. I mean, I knew that.
I was just checking.

Look, I know you like Howard.

But look at all the problems
that Kingsley and Josie have had.

Maybe don't shit where you eat?

We're already going out.

Oh, er... Oh, er...
Well, then congratulations.

Homophobe.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Just had a very hot dyke
having a go at me.

But I gave her my number and I think
she's going to educate me.

So it is all good.

OK. The results are in.

Before I go into a breakdown
of the voting,

I can say we have a clear winner

and it is my pleasure
to announce that...

Oregon Shawcross is duly elected.

Get it!

We are the overlords!

Fuck all the other candidates.

Especially you, Labour! Woo!

Just to give you a heads up,

the union is in major debt.

So, no money for cheap chips?

No money for anything.
And as well as the debt,

we are facing legal action from
the NUS for gross mismanagement.

Congratulations on your win.

It's your problem now.

You knew this all along?
YOU told me to run.

You fucking set me up!

Yeah. I don't really like you.

Oh, shit.

Relax. Don't sweat it.

I'll book a load of fucking cool
bands to keep everyone's spirits up

while YOU cut
the essential services.

What's my budget?
No, don't even tell me.

Sort it out later.

What am I going to do?

Don't panic. Just keep drinking.

Fancy an early night?

What's the matter?

You know what the matter is.
Please don't say it.

I have to.

I don't want you to.

It's not going to work.

I know we really
like each other but...

it's not quite enough.

I know we both like penne,

but if I'm honest,
I'm not sure I only want penne.

I want to go to Thailand
and eat noodles and meet people

and quite possibly hump some
of those people if I feel like it.

And you should too.

And do you really love me
or are you just scared of losing me

because it's not quite
the same thing?

So maybe we should just pack it in..

while I still like-slash-love you.

Cos if we fight it out
till the end...

then by the time we leave uni, we
might not even be Facebook friends...

and...

I really want to know you
for the rest of your life.

So...

let's just give ourselves a break,
shall we?

Yeah. OK.

Bang. Another cupboard done.

Bang. Onto the next cupboard.

I fucking love cleaning.

And I need you more than want you

God, I'm horny.

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