All language subtitles for Cheers S10E15 My Son The Father Dvdrip Xvid-Macro

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Cold outside, huh?

Yes.

And we got a slush
thing going.

So it seems.

Beer nut?

No, thank you.

Have you ever been
with an older man?

Woody, I'm ready
to settle up.

I'm not looking
for commitment.

Cold outside, huh?

(theme song begins)

� Making your way
in the world today �

� Takes everything you've got �

� Taking a break
from all your worries �

� Sure would help a lot �

� Wouldn't you like
to get away? �

� Sometimes you want to go �

� Where everybody
knows your name �

� And they're always
glad you came �

� You wanna be
where you can see �

� Our troubles
are all the same �

� You wanna be where
everybody knows your name �

� You wanna go
where people know �

� People are all the same �

� You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. �

Paul, what time
you got?

10:36.

All right,
lunchtime.

Wood... let's
order, please.

Oh, okay,
what will you guys have?

Chinese, subs, cheese steak,
Mexican?

Mmm, sounds good.

Mm-hmm.

Now, wait a minute.

The lunch special upstairs

at Melville's today
is crab salad.

Yeah?

Yeah. It's delicious.

If you ask Mr. Hill
really, really nice,

he'll give you your pick
of the leftovers.

Leftovers?

Woody, why don't you
just go out back

and crawl through
the Dumpster, huh?

What for?

All he throws back there is

the food that clogs up
his drain.

You know,
the, the greasy fried stuff.

Don't even think
about it.

You were thinking
the same thing.

Yeah, but not
as long as you.

I have a problem, don't I?

Well, what about you, Sam?
You want some crab salad?

From Melville's?
Forget it.

I hate that guy John Hill.

I'd like to rip his head off

and dribble it
down Beacon Street.

Well, forget
the crab salad, Sam.

I think you could use something
with a little fiber in it.

Woody, I forbid you to eat
that man's food.

Well, Sam, it's
a free lunch,

and you know
how much I make.

I mean, I don't always
have enough money for lunch,

but I do get
awful hungry.

And, remember,
we had that talk

about the pretzels being
just for the customers.

Oh, go on, go on,
get out of here.

Go eat your stupid salad.

Sam, just how much
do you pay that boy?

I pay him
a fair amount.

See, Fras, I don't think
you understand

that a, a bartender's
hourly wage is

just a very small portion
of his overall income.

Most of it comes
from tips.

I see.

I won't bring it up again, Sam.

I think that'd be best.

Hey, everybody,
shut your yaps.

My son has a big
announcement to make.

Okay, go on, Gino,
tell them

what you told me
before in the car.

I said, "Ma, I think
I want to be a priest."

Did you hear that?
Did you hear that?!

My kid is going to be
a priest.

Finally, when I visit
one of my kids on Sunday,

there's not going to be
an inch of glass between us.

Well, congratulations,
Gino.

I'm happy for you.

Happy for him?
That's not enough, Sam.

This calls
for a beer.

Come on, the guy's
underage, Norm.

Oh, it's not for him.

Can't I be happy
for the lad?

Gino, here you go.

I want to give you
a little money here.

I want you to go out,

buy yourself
some nice clothes, okay?

I don't want God to think
he's getting himself a bum.

Thanks, Ma.

Congratulations,
Gino.

I think it's terrific
when a young man

like yourself finds
his calling.

I'm happy for you.

Oh, yeah?
How happy?

Why don't you, uh, show me?

You know that if you have
a kid who's a priest or a nun,

you automatically
get into Heaven.

No questions asked.

PAUL:
Can I get
a beer, Carla?

Ah. Paul, Paul...

There!

(laughs)

Isn't this great?

Right now, God is shrugging
and saying, "What can I do?"

Hey, everybody.

You'll all be very
happy to know

that I am now a, uh,
published humorist.

Wow. The Post Office
Newsletter.

I hear that's tough
to get into.

Oh, yeah, I'll say.

Yeah, they've been after me
for quite some time now,

and I finally gave them
permission to,

uh, print one
of my "daffynitions."

All right,
let's hear it.
(others groan)

What? Hey, hey, he was
going to do it anyway.

Don't make me
the bad guy here.

Here you go, uh...
Daffynition,

Postal Increase:

What happens to your feet
after your finish your route.

(chuckles)

Now, Lilith, you, uh, you
thought that was funny?

LILITH:
Oh, yes.

You should see her
at a Marx Brothers' movie.

Isn't Zeppo
hysterical?

The way he just
stands there

without expression
or reaction.

Boy, that
cracks me up.

You guys are really missing out.

This crab salad looks great.

All right.
Where's ours?

Well, I thought you said
you didn't want any.

I don't remember saying that.
Do you, Norm?

I never said
that in my life.

Come on. I thought you guys

were going to order
something else.

Well, we didn't,
Woody.

It's nearly 11:00.

I'm getting
a little dizzy.

That does look
kind of good.

Aah, I can't give
you guys my food every day.

Woody, it's
not every day.

It's just on days I'm
particularly hungry, okay?

Don't bite my head off.
I mean it.

You know, you've got
that look in your eye.

Ow... Oh! Aah...

What's wrong, Sam?

Oh, I think I broke my tooth.

I don't believe that.

There's a shell
in this salad.

I'm going to sue him
for everything he's worth.

Oh, great! Just when
I get a little ahead

in my checking account.

Not you, Woody-- Hill.

Ooh, you know
something?

I am going to sue him.

Oh, yes! Oh, yes,
and I'm going to win, too.

Here's to me!
All right.

(grunting)

Hey, Becs,
what you doing?

Well, I'm trying
to get these receipts ready

for income tax time.

Man, I wish you
people would just write

the dates
on these things.

Half of them I had
to cross-reference

against
the register tape.

It took me half the night
to get these organized.

Gee, up all night.

You could catch a chill.

Here, let me warm you up.

No! Don't!

Stop it!

You are evil!

That's right, all day long.

And it doesn't matter,
because my son is good,

and I've got myself
a get-out-of-Hell-free card.

You know, uh,

I've been thinking about Carla's
son becoming priest.

Get this, "My son, the father."

Get it?
"My son, the father."

That's a rich comedy area,
I'm telling you.

Lord help me, I miss
the "daffynitions."

Oh, hey, do I hear a request?

Okay. Daffynition.
Psychiatrist:

a guy who shrinks your head
and your bank account.

(chuckling):
Ouch.

Yeah...

Bull's-eye.

NORM:
Yeah, well, you know,

I've got enough material for
an entire stand-up comedy act.

Okay, all right, uh...

Why is it that women go
to a "stylist"

and men go to barbers?

What's up with that?

(chuckles):
That's so true.

I got an impersonation for you.

An impression, ready?

I am not a crook.

(chuckles)

Well, you guys know me.
Home to see Vera.

I want to go, too, Norm.

I, I heard so many good things.

Oh, please don't leave me.

Yeah, you know, I was,
uh, watching

this commercial on TV
with the Ginsu knives.

Hey, what's up with that?

(chuckles):
I hate that commercial.

This is good stuff.

You know, she can also
hear a dog-whistle.

NORM:
You know, uh,

you know,
all my life I've, uh,

kind of wanted to be
a stand-up comedian.

You know, uh, oh,
here, here it is.

How's this for an idea?

Comedy night at Cheers.

Seven nights a week,
six shows a night.

The cock-eyed mind
of Cliff Clavin.

So you're saying it'd be
just like any other night

except for the mike?

NORM:
Yeah, yeah!

Hey, hey, what to you
say there, Becs? Huh?

Well, I guess you could do
your comedy here, Cliff.

But you know what?

I mean, wouldn't
you rather do it

at a professional
comedy club?

Huh?
You know,
the Laugh Tureen

in Kenmore Square has
an open mike night.

Oh, yeah.

As a matter of fact,
I think it's tonight.

Hey, that's a great
idea, Rebecca.

I'll just, uh, yeah,
spend the afternoon

polishing up my act and,
uh, showcase it there tonight.

Oh, why waste all this stuff
on you guys?

See you later.

And you people think
I'm so stupid.

Sam, did you see your dentist?
Did you get your tooth fixed?

(lisping):
Yeth... Good as new.

They shoot you
full of Novocain?

Yeth, they did.
It's all worn off now.

All right, there now.

There's all my receipts.

Now I'm ready.

Where's my calculator?

Oh, oh, here it is.

I was just washing
it off for you.

(gasps)
Here you go.

Come on, just plug it in
and start tapping away.

Carla, this is, this is
an expensive calculator.

Oh, yeah.

I'm probably going to rot
in Hell for that.

Not!

Ah, Miss Tortelli,
nice to see you again.

What're you doing
down here, Hill?

Hope you're not here
to ask me for a date.

Date?

Is that what you call it?

I think we skipped dating,
Miss Tortelli,

and went straight
to the fall of Rome.

Tell me,

is the rumor true your son's
going to be a priest?

Yeah, what of it?

Well, I didn't realize
you were Catholic.

The only time
I've heard you say

anything remotely
religious

was that night
a few weeks ago

when you called me
Zeus.

The hell I did.

You want me to run
the videotape?

Ah, Hill.

Uh, Sam, you wanted
to see me?

Yeth, I did.

What do you think
that is?

Well, it looks like some kind
of animal tooth, Sam.

Is my tooth.

I broke it
on your salad.

And I want you to know
I will see you in court.

Oh.
Yeah.

Good heavens, this
is frightening.

I'm being sued.

By Elmer Fudd.

Listen, Sam,

I don't recall selling
you any crab salad.

And I don't recall
you being in
my restaurant.

What I do remember is
that I gave Woody
some leftovers,

and you can't sue
me for that.

Incidentally, Sam,
you're drooling.

That guy dwives me cwazy.

Oh, oh, Becs,

there you are.

They just called
for you.

Apparently, there's been a
horrible fire at your apartment.

Oh, right, Carla,

you've been trying to get
to me all day long.

Just knock it off. It's
not even funny anymore.

I'm being totally
serious.

I know this is
the worst time

for you to hear this kind
of news from me.

I know you don't
believe me, but,

really, I'm telling
the truth.

I wouldn't joke about
something like that.

You're serious about
this, aren't you?

Yeah, I am, Becs.
I'm sorry.

Oh, my God!

Everything I own.

It's gone!

Oh, dear!

Woody, cover for me, please.

I got to go out.

(crying):
I'm too upset, Miss Howe.

I just found out my whole
apartment building burned down.

(laughing maniacally)

This is sick!

Yeah, but it's funny.

Carla, you have, you have
to stop this now.

Or what?

God'll smite me
with his sword?

He gets it halfway out,

an angel taps
him on his shoulder

and says, "Hold it,
her kid's a priest."

God just stands there fuming.

Hey, Ma, check it out.

Gino, what,
what are you wearing?

Isn't that a little flashy
for a priest?

Oh, no, a priest.

That was
this morning.

I'm gonna
be a male model.

I figured why waste these
looks on the church?

(thunder rumbling)

Uh-oh.

(whimpering)

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Carla, you've been leaping out
of your skin

every time there's a clap
of thunder.

Surely you know it's simply
static electricity

being discharged into
the atmosphere.

You are so naive!

Carla, you've got to calm down.

CARLA:
You don't get it!

I mocked God!

And this is not like getting
in trouble with your parents

or your teachers or your boss.

I mean, this is God!

Famine, flood,

pestilence, disease.

Who do you think came up
with that?

(thunder rumbling)

(moans)

He is just toying with me now.

Carla, you can't believe

that God has a personal vendetta
against you.

Look at my kids.

Look at my husbands.

Look at my life.

What do you think?

Uh, I don't think
any major religion

still propounds the theory
of a vindictive God,

who hurls thunderbolts

and takes personal vengeance
on people's transgressions.

(thunder roaring)

I believe that's for you.

Okay.

Okay, I got it.

Starting right now,

I'm gonna lead the perfect life.

I'm gonna be good.

Gonna be nice.

From now on,
I'm going to be nice.

Carla, would you please
serve table seven?

Shut up!

So far, so good.

You know, Carla never
ceases to amaze me.

She has a strange
mixture of fervent
religious faith

and primitive
superstition.

I suppose it's
a result

of our ever-changing,
mixed-up culture.

I don't know
that you should blame

Carla's belief system
on culture, Frasier.

The need to worship higher
intelligence is an innate

and universal
phenomenon.

In fact,
in recent weeks,

it's become clear
that my lab rats worship me

as a goddess.

I must confess,

I don't discourage them.

That's very
interesting, dear.

Apropos of
nothing, uh,

how many vacation days
do you have coming?

I don't know.

Uh... 80, 85.

Well, what do you
say we cash 50,

60 of those in and have
you spend a little time

with, uh, some, oh...

I don't know,
some people?

Sam, where have you been
all afternoon?

Oh, just pacing back and forth
with my sign,

ruining John Hill's business.

I saw him peeking out
the window.

I think he's ready
to make a deal.

How do you like my sign, huh?

"I broke a tooth
at Melville's.

Ask me how."

That's a very scary
little spider

holding the tooth
there, Sam.

That's, uh,
that's a crab actually.

Crab.

Well, looks like a spider.

You know, a lot
of people said that,

so I ended up
changing the story.

I told 'em, that
there was this outbreak

of poisonous spiders up
at Melville's.

It scared the hell out of 'em.

Sam?

Stay for this.
This should be fun.

Yes, John?

Let's get down
to brass tacks, Sam.

Absurd as it may sound,

you and your scary spider...

That's a crab. Crab.

Forgive me.

You and your scary crab

are driving
my customers away,

so let's settle this
right now.

I'll pay for your dental
bill and add,

say, uh, $500 in cash.

It's a deal.

(chuckles)

(coughing)

You all right, man?

There's a rock
in your pretzel dish, Sam.

That is deliberate
negligence.

Oh, it is not!

Come on, man,
you put that there. I...

Wha...

A picture is worth
a thousand words, Sam.

(applause)
Thank you.

Uh, now for the final performer
this evening,

let's put our hands together
for the merry mailman,

Cliff Clavin.

Come on,
put 'em together.

Hey.
Oh, yeah, thanks.

Uh, hi ya!

So, uh,

Boston audiences are the
greatest audiences in the world.

Uh, you know,
I got this friend, uh,

whose son is gonna
become a priest.

I know where this is going.

"My son, the father."

What's up with that?

I never thought I'd see
a whole roomful of people

not laughing at Cliff.

Well, hey, let's see what topics
we got in the ol' mailbag, huh?

Hey, oh, uh, here's one.

Uh, anybody have a chance
to call a TV repairman lately?

What's up with that?

(chuckles)
Here's a doozy.

Avon lady... ding dong.

What's up with that?

Well, that's
it for me.

Well, I know, uh,

seriously, folks,
on-on a serious note

I just want to say...

drinking and driving.

What's up with that?

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

I've really enjoyed it, uh,

and I gotta say
this is the most love

I've ever felt in one room
in my life.

Thank you. Thank you.

Normie, where'd
everybody go?

There was a, uh,
bomb scare.

Really?

Where?

Right about
where you were standing.

Oh, hey, Cliff.

How'd it go at the club?

Daffynition.

Cliff Clavin: Stand-up comic.

(laughs)

It's not a joke,
Lilith.

That was my pain.
(laughs)

Oh, the topper.

Excuse me,

I have to go
compose myself.

Well, Cliff, I guess you had
to learn the hard way.

But you know,
maybe stand-up comedy

is just something
you don't have a knack for.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I can't figure out
what went wrong.

I mean, the material
was gangbusters.

I wrote it myself.

Must have been
the audience.

What's up with that?

(chuckling):
See?

I still got it.

Carla, doesn't
that hurt?

Yeah, but I
deserve it.

I'm atoning.

I thought of walking
on hot coals,

and I thought of sleeping
on a bed of nails,

but nothing I think of
seems like enough.

I just got to think of some way
to punish myself

that no human being has ever
done before.

Oh, hey, I got
it, Becs.

All I have to do is
find somebody to
sit down with me,

you know, like a personal
audience, and I'll
go over my routine,

you know, over
and over again,

a hundred times or so
until I nail it down.

Huh?

Any volunteers?

You really play hardball,
don't you?