Original subtitles

Oh, shoot, I forgot to charge my laptop.

Can I borrow yours to check my e-mail?

-Of course you can. -Thank you.

[man] Oh crap, did I close that porn window last night?

I think I closed it.

Oh, God, I hope I closed it. Oh, no.

Yeah!

Sorry, I was just listening to the game.

You don't have anything in your ear.

-Hi guys. -Morning.

-Hey, how are you? -Good morning.

I can't believe how cute they are! My baby sister had twins.

-Let me see them pics. -Oh, my God, of course.

[woman] If he scrolls too far, he's about to see an entire vagina.

Could be my vagina,

or Sandra's vagina,

or Kimberly's vagina.

Why do I keep so many pictures of my lovers' vagina on my phone?

There's only six pictures, Keith!

Sorry, wish there were more.

-Good morning, everyone. -Hi there.

-Please welcome our prospective investors. -Hi.

Also, it's take your daughter to work day, so I brought my little pumpkin.

Hi! [laughs]

Alright, time to start this presentation.

Let me just plug my laptop into the projector so everyone can see.

Dear God, why did I make that picture of hobbit's feet my desktop?

Why, Lord?

Everyone's gonna know I jerk it to Samwise Gamgee's exposed feet, Lord.

The investors and my baby's here! Lord!

-No, no, no! -[laptop beeps]

Whoo! Yes!

Yeah!

You're glad your computer's broken?

Yeah.

[woman moaning on laptop]

[all clamoring]

Cover your eyes.

Whoa!

I'm so sorry. Oh, wow.

Tammy, never apologize for watching black porn.

-♪ Here we come now ♪ -♪ Now it's our time ♪

-♪ Here we come now ♪ -♪ Here we come, we here ♪

♪ Like ha, ha, hee, hee That's how you'll be ♪

♪ You won't resist When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ You know we taking over Something's gotta give ♪

♪ Watch us run things Like we did ♪

♪ You know the vibe Clear the way, here we come ♪

♪ We be numero uno No comprende, number one ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ With a brand new style ♪

♪ Hit you with the first line ♪

Okay, Astronomy Club, we need some fresh ideas.

What do we got?

Okay, what about a superhero vengeance team

that instead of fighting crime, they unite to take on social justice?

-Superheroes are played out. -A little preachy.

-I think it's a bad idea. -Thanks for letting me speak.

Pitching can be cut throat, but when a great idea comes along...

Mwah!

I got one, hear me out.

It's Full House, but black.

So, just a shot-by-shot recreation of the sitcom Full House?

But black.

-Alright. -Okay.

-Good idea. -Didn't know where you were going.

[overlapping chatter]

Low key I hate Jon, but that idea was fire.

I mean, Hollywood loves that shit,

Black Annie, Blacula, The Wiz.

And, Soul Plane is Airplane, but black, and that shit was tight.

I got a lot more, too, all right. Cheers, but black.

All right, Sex In The City, but them ladies black.

[overlapping chatter]

Blackish, but white.

But black.

C'mon, baby, c'mon.

I'm-- I'm sorry, not to be a bummer, but isn't that a bit reductive?

I don't know, is money reductive?

'Cause we about to get that paper.

Get that paper!

Get that paper!

And then this four year old girl says, "Stop talking, Mom, you sound dumb."

-Hell, no. -No, should've knocked her in the teeth.

I wish my kid would say that to me. [grunts]

Kids these days are so disrespectful.

Can you imagine talking that way to our parents?

Mm-mmm.

I asked Ma once, "Stop embarrassing me in front of my friends."

Bruh, she slapped the taste out of my mouth.

-I bet she did. -Yeah, she did.

I completely lost the ability to taste.

I remember I used to jump on the bed

all the time, until I got my ass whooped with an electrical cord.

Never touched a bed again.

-You mean never jumped on a bed again? -No,

never touched.

-Where do you sleep? -Floors, benches,

comfy wooden chairs like these. [chuckles]

I'm always tired, but I learned my lesson.

Physical discipline, it works. I don't care what the studies say.

I wish a study would say that to me.

They're always saying how spanking damages kids,

but I was hit with a switch all the time,

and they're always saying how spanking damages kids.

Exactly.

Freddy, you're eating a candle.

Oh, my bad.

Sometimes, I can't tell which one's food.

[woman laughs]

I had a great childhood, I look so happy.

Yeah, Papa beat the black off me.

He didn't get all of it, but he got most of it.

[nervous laughter]

See, tell me one good reason why parents shouldn't hit they kids.

-[snores, screams] -[chuckles]

They say kids shouldn't be afraid of their father,

but I'm glad I was scared.

Sure, he crossed some lines,

but without those beatings,

I wouldn't have respect for authority,

or underlying anger issues,

or the inability to be emotionally vulnerable.

Got to live in a...

constant state of fear.

What would I get the belt for this time?

Laughing?

Crying?

Some other behavior children do?

I can still hear his words echo in my mind.

[shouting] "I wish you would say that to me!"

Kids these days, am I right?

[laughing]

They soft.

Hey cousins, we're about to close the casket.

Last chance to say goodbye to your father.

Yeah, let's bury this nigga.

Need any help in there?

I think I'm okay.

Actually, I just wanna double-check.

Is this the right bra size for me?

The right bra size?

-Yeah. -[sales clerk laughs]

[laughing]

Okay, I'm sorry, why are you laughing?

The right bra size?

Yeah.

-Of course it's not the right bra size. -Really?

I feel like it fits.

This? You think this fits?

Oh, my God, is your brain bad?

What? Okay.

What about this one?

Oh, my God. Monica, Monica,

get in here and look at how bad this woman's brain is.

I've already tweeted it. You've got a bad brain.

I don't understand, am I supposed to size down?

[both] Down?

-Size up? -[both] Up?

What do I do? Am I changing band size, cup size?

I just wanna know my right bra size.

Don't you have to measure with the tape?

Why, to make it look dumber?

We should measure your brain!

-It would be so small! -Little brain. Little brain.

Like a dinosaur.

-I swear to God. -Dinosaur little brain.

[man over PA] Please be on alert, as we have a missing child at the mall.

I repeat, we have a missing child at the mall.

Oh, my God.

That's sad, we gotta missing child.

Also missing is the brain of one dumb woman,

who thinks she knows a goddamn bra size.

-What? -You're so dumb.

[child laughing]

[distorted laughter]

[high-pitched] Oh, my gosh.

We-- we're so dumb.

I'll take 'em all.

So,

walk me through the journey

of the history of Astronomy Club.

Oh, you mean, a journey through black history?

Ever since this "but black" money rolled in,

we've been living our best lives.

Okay.

Who are your inspirations?

Actually, all the great comedy sketch teams.

Monty Python, The State,

Fox & Friends.

[laughing]

-But black. -No, you don't say it.

That's our thing. Stop appropriating.

You're right, I'm so sorry. And also, thank you.

You're welcome.

Were there ever any doubters?

Someone who thought that an all-black troupe doing black versions

of ideas that have already been done before was hack?

Which it's obviously not.

I think there was one, but I don't remember who.

[murmuring] Black, white, black.

A Guy Fieri, but black.

KFC, but black. Oh, wait, that's Church's Chicken.

What about... [groans]

Curse you, Jonathan Braylock!

Curse you!

[DJ] Welcome to Club Domino.

It's a three day weekend, so you know what that means.

It's time to get lit!

[airhorn blows]

Shout out to all the single ladies in the house,

all the fellas with a good job,

and to the black folk that just got in VIP,

y'all deserve it.

Reparations!

[airhorn blowing]

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Let's get some champagne popping in this bitch.

It may not be 40 acres, but can a nigga get off on a Henny Mule?

You know what I'm saying? Can we get our reparations?

I said, can we get our reparations?

[crowd] Whoop, whoop!

Oh yeah, shake what your momma gave ya,

'cause she never had a chance to dance on a table as freely as you can.

Until the late 1930s,

blacks weren't even allowed in the same clubs as whites. [whoops]

When I say "rep," you say "aration."

-Rep. Reparation. -Aration.

Oh, I see you, brother. Trying to get your swirl on like ebony and ivory.

But be careful. My granddaddy talked to a white woman once in 1969.

Nobody's seen him since.

Hey! Hey, bruh,

cops ain't even try to help him.

-But, do your thing. Reparations. -[airhorn blows]

Damn, it's hot in here.

♪ The roof is on fire ♪

♪ We don't need no water... ♪

We need reparations

to continue to rebuild our communities.

Like, in Philadelphia in 1985,

police bombed a residential black apartment building.

They think we forgot, they thought wrong!

-[airhorn blows]

Uh-oh!

There's a birthday in the house!

Stacy, where you at, girl?

There's our queen. Throw your hands in the air,

and keep 'em there, because the cops are always watching.

-[man] Hands on the steering wheel. - I'm DJ Reparations, my time is almost up,

but before I go, I want to slow it down to the Negro national anthem.

♪ Lift every voice and sing ♪

♪ Till earth and heaven ring ♪

-Alright, you like it. My man. -Right.

[man] Children, you need to behave for this new sitter.

We've already had six that have quit this year.

I don't know what we're going to do with you two.

Not to fear, now that Mary Poppins is "in the house."

[both] Mary Poppins!

Whoa, the famous British nanny!

What are you doing on this side of the pond?

I'm here to look after the Banks children, fam.

You are Mr. and Mrs. Banks, are you not?

[Mrs. Banks] We are.

Mary, have you ever been a nanny for black children before?

Let's just say I've been studying up on the culture.

♪ In every job that must be done ♪

♪ There is an element of fun ♪

Oh, I love this song.

♪ Find the fun, sing a tune ♪

♪ Get some sugar and a spoon ♪

♪ Drop that beat, wipe your frown ♪

♪ Help medicine and Mary get down ♪

[Mary beatboxing]

-What was that? -Oh, you didn't know Mary could spit?

♪ Supercalifragilistic Y'all know I'm the dopest ♪

♪ My exterior is very white But inside, I'm ferocious ♪

Stop, Mary, stop.

You don't have to pander to us with the raps, just because we're black.

Even though your flow was nice.

I feel you. Why rap when you can step, in time.

-Break it down, Mary. -Step, ho,

here we go! [giggles]

Okay, this is offensive.

No, my dear, this is the rock.

Mary, clearly you don't understand black people.

Are you sure about that?

[Mr. Banks] Damn, them the new Air Jordans!

[flatly] I mean, shame on you, pandering to us with cool black things.

You are being racist.

Well, that's gratitude for you.

You came here to help them, and they call you out. Ungrateful nigg--

[Mary] Um... [laughs]

He's from a different time.

You need to leave.

I know I came on a bit strong,

but, I'm just so excited to expand my horizons.

I very much want to be an ally to people of all colors.

Okay, Mary, your heart was in the right place.

We'll give you another chance.

But that racist umbrella has to go.

Splendid, we'll have so much fun, and no more mishaps.

'Ello, Mary Poppins.

Shall we and the children go and kick it in the park?

-I can explain. -Get out.

[man] And the Academy Award for best picture goes to:

Astronomy Club.

[woman] This is Astronomy Club's first nomination and first win

for Empire Strikes Black.

We did it! Whoo!

Ah, thank you to the Academy.

Now, as group leader,

I wanna say this group is amazing, okay?

And we really couldn't have made it here if it wasn't for everyone in this group,

and I do mean everyone.

[applause]

Thank you.

I don't put a lot of stock into awards,

but standing up here with... with all my friends...

makes me very happy.

We are Hollywood, but black!

[applause]

[all] James! James! James!

You're the captain now.

[Keisha] James.

James.

James, do you have any ideas?

Yes.

It's a complete replication of the Marvel Cinematic Universe...

but black.

[laughs]

-Okay, anyone else? Mo? -Me. Yeah, okay.

It's called Weave Jobs.

It's like a Steve Jobs character, but she wears weaves.

And, like, the product is a weave,

and, you know, we have Steve Jobs type of glasses, right?

I'm the captain now.

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Now it's our time ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come, we here ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ With a brand-new style ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ Hit you with the first line, pow ♪

♪ Like ha, ha, hee, hee That's how you'll be ♪

♪ You won't resist When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ A whole 'nother level With a brand-new swag ♪

♪ Lemme show you How we gon' get that bag ♪

♪ You know we taking over Something's gotta give ♪

♪ Watch us run things Like we, like we, like we did ♪

♪ You know the vibe Clear the way, here we come ♪

♪ We be numero uno No comprende, number one ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ So you better get good ♪

♪ Let's get it Get everybody now ♪

-♪ It's going down ♪ -♪ It's about to be lit, and that's fact ♪

♪ When we hit you With the first line, pow ♪