Original subtitles

Yo, what up, fellas?

Yo, I'm loving how many black people in here.

A few years ago, this casting room was all white.

Oh, it feels so good to finally audition for a show

-with all black writers. -Yes, no more thug number one,

drug dealer number two. We got characters with names,

backstories, multiple dimensions.

You know what that sounds like?

[all] Progress!

Things have finally changed.

-Nick, we're ready for you. -Oh, okay.

-[Nick] Hey girl, hey, what up? What up? -[loud banging]

[Nick] Tonight, 'bout to be lit!

-What's this character's backstory? -He's a drug dealer

who's pursuing a rap career, but he's lazy about it.

-It's super authentic, though. -Okay.

[Nick] I went down to ol' Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles with my boy Jamal.

And we were like, "Let's straight rob dis joint."

Know what I'm sayin'?

[Nick imitates gunfire]

Uh...

-Is it based off a true story? -No,

but the creator grew up in the suburb of the city this story's based in. So...

that counts.

[Nick] We 'bout to spend all these Gs on rims,

on Henney, on Golden Grillz,

and, our favorite fruit,

watermelon!

You said this show has all black writers.

I mean, probably like, one white writer.

[Nick] Hey, yo, a nigga is ashy as fuck.

Can nigga get some cocoa butter in this bitch?

Can nigga get some cocoa butter and shit?

Maybe two. Maybe two.

[Nick] Well, massa. I'sa promise to pick dat cotton real good fo ya, massa.

There's a flashback scene, and then, you...

Look man, slavery's a part of our past, okay. We can't keep running from it.

[Nick] Don't shoot, don't shoot,

-I'm an unarmed black man, no! -[gunfire]

-Are those literal gun shots? -I don't know.

[woman] That was really good.

-Oh, my God, thank you so much. -You're so welcome, that was so great.

-Great playing, great choices. -It's just about the work, you know.

Whew! That felt great!

Y'all need blood packets?

All right, break a leg.

Are you staying?

Hell no, man. I don't care who wrote this shit.

It's stereotypical and Hollywood always does this to black people.

-Let's go. -Are you guys leaving?

-We got to, you know, it's just like... -Oh, yeah, the car,

-...and stuff. -And there's another thing.

Yeah, no, it's okay. I assume you won't be able to make our audition next week?

We're doing Soul Plane 2: Too Fast, Too Furlishness.

-We gonna be there. -We'll definitely be there.

-Cool. -Sign us up.

-Alright, great, was that a pound? -Yeah, pound it.

-Alright. -See you next time.

[both] Progress.

[man] Too Fast, Too Furlishness.

-You going to Roscoe's? -Let's get waffles.

-♪ Here we come now ♪ -♪ Now it's our time ♪

-♪ Here we come now ♪ -♪ Here we come, we here ♪

♪ Like ha, ha, hee, hee That's how you'll be ♪

♪ You won't resist When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ You know we taking over Something's gotta give ♪

♪ Watch us run things Like we did ♪

♪ You know the vibe Clear the way, here we come ♪

♪ We be numero uno No comprende, number one ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ With a brand new style ♪

♪ Hit you with the first line, pow ♪

It's Mo's birthday, so we're having a party.

Technically, she's making us have one.

But either way, I'm getting smacked.

Mo's always gone big for her birthday,

but having her face everywhere this year

is a bit much.

This is the one cup I could find

without Monique's face on it.

Ooh, uh...

I'm done. I'm done.

Don't even worry about it, it's a party,

Come on, it's fun.

Hey, hey!

-I'm bored. -Huh?

Oh! [laughs]

What's up?

We dancing? Nope.

I love parties that's just us hanging out.

I hate big crowds,

I also hate James.

It's actually also my birth--

Girl, you gotta come to happy hour.

I dunno girl, I'm so busy.

Hey Patricia, I'm gonna need those sales figures on my desk by Monday.

-Have a good weekend. -Okay.

Bye, Luke.

Ugh, did you see that?

Yeah, sweet power move.

-Wait, what? -Girl,

don't be intimidated by that big dick energy.

You're a boss bitch.

Harness your big clit energy...

with the Execlitive.

Huh? Ooh.

The Execlitive?

Yeah, it's the word executive, with clit in the middle.

I got that part.

It's padding you place in your panties to amplify your womanhood,

so that you can make deals just like the fellas.

I don't know if--

If emphasizing your genitals is easier than making a formal complaint to HR,

it is. It comes in three sizes:

XL, Juicy, and Hillary, but if she won.

Huh, I hate that.

Yeah, me too. Look at mine.

Whoo!

-Wow, that's a lot. -Yeah.

If anyone's gonna grab that pussy, girl, it should be you.

And that's how we'll maintain a profit.

Well done, Patricia, until now, I didn't even know you had opinions.

[woman] The Execlitive travels, just like your voice.

-[Patricia] That's my yogurt. -Okay, I'll give my notice.

The Execlitive can't be contained, and neither should you.

Patricia, you deserve a promotion.

How do you feel about Chief Executive Manager?

[wet squelching]

Damn, you're good. Chief Financial Officer.

The Execlitive. Go ahead, girl, swing yours around.

From the creators of the Of-fist,

because an effective handshake ends at the hospital.

[emcee] Let's give it up for Mr. and Mrs. Anderson.

Congrats again to the lovely couple.

All right, y'all, I'mma take a quick break, but when I get back,

we gonna turn up.

That was quite the playlist.

"The Tootsie Roll." "Crank That Soulja Boy."

-"The Whoa Dance." -Oh yeah,

you know, just doing my thing to get this party started.

Bitch,

that wasn't a compliment.

You know how hard it is to keep up with all these dances.

-What? -We ain't got time for this shit.

I'm studying to be a goddamn doctor.

You expect me to perfect the In My Feelings Challenge

after doing an overnight at the ER?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's just back up. If you don't know a dance, that's okay.

Nigga, you sound stupid right now.

These goddamn white kids learn these dances too damn fast.

They learn 'em, we gotta learn 'em.

C'mon, they ain't that good.

Oh yeah?

Holy shit, he getting it.

Man, dude look like a white Bruno Mars over there.

Who cares, man.

Listen, dancing doesn't define a person's blackness.

The fuck it don't.

You ever attend a west coast party and not know how to Crip Walk?

You can't Crip Walk?

I'm from New York, okay? I was too busy learning the Harlem Shake.

I spent my senior year

locked in my mother's basement trying to learn that shit.

This is all I could come up with.

-Don't do it, bruh. -No, come on.

He doing it, ain't he?

[plate shattering]

Shit.

-That's your fault. -Okay, look,

I get it, I do.

I'll just stick to the basics, like the Dougie.

You dunno how to Dougie?

For the love of God, teach me how to Dougie.

Man, I can't,

I'm working right now.

-What about the Milly Rock? -I once tried

to Milly Rock, and I knocked all my cousin's teeth out.

And I vowed I would never Milly Rock on any block ever again.

-The Nae Nae? -Watch me whip.

-Now watch me Nae Nae. -Stop.

-The Lean Wit It Rock Wit It, come on. -I could Lean Wit It,

but I can't Rock Wit It.

What the hell dance can y'all do?

Ya gotta know Electric Slide.

Everybody black know the Electric Slide, and y'all black.

Y'all ain't never been to no wedding? Had a black family reunion? Barbecue?

Nothing? Y'all just stood there and watched?

The song says, "I'll teach you, teach you, teach you,"

but they ain't never teach you!

-It's messed up. -All right,

there's got to be at least one dance

all three of y'all can do.

♪ Put your right hand in And you shake it all about ♪

♪ You do the hokey-pokey And you turn yourself around ♪

♪ That's what it's all about ♪

Uh, hello, NAACP?

Yes, I'd like to report three niggas who need their black card revoked.

I will absolutely hold.

When's Mo getting here?

Mo never shows up to parties on time.

She needs a full-on gestation period to glamamorphisize herself.

I guess everybody can't have this much swag.

I always arrive at parties 20 minutes early.

It's just enough time to tell everyone how to have fun.

Okay, alright. This is my nightmare. There are too many strangers here.

And James.

[all flinch]

What? Oh, sorry.

-Come on! -James!

James, why are you wearing that crazy ass mask?

Mo told us all to wear 'em. Want one?

[all groaning]

Mo's face is gonna haunt my dreams forever.

She also wanted me to say she's still getting ready.

Something about a big entrance. Her exact words were

"stunting on these hoes,"

but that just sounds weird coming out of my mouth.

Stuntin' on these hoes.

God, just couldn't-- Something about the-- Do I say the G or the N?

Feels like something else is supposed to happen today,

but I just can't put my finger on it.

Just in case you didn't hear me before, it's also my birth--

Ain't nothing like sitting on the porch,

taking in God's creation.

[all] Mm-hmm.

Reminds me of the good old days, before the world got all crazy.

No iPhones, no internet,

all you needed to pass the time was a good book.

They don't make books like they used to.

Harry Potter this, Game of Thrones that.

In the good old days, a book had a simple premise.

Like Hop on Pop.

[all] Like Hop on Pop.

So easy to understand, 'cause they had the pictures.

[all] Mm-hmm.

Nowadays, everything's so complicated, like Uber.

In the good old days, when someone drove you,

they put you in a booster seat with a plastic cup of Cheerios.

Preferably Honey Nut Cheerios.

-Well, that goes without saying. -Mm-hmm.

It's a scary world, with the STIs and the HIVs.

In the good old days, all you had to worry about was the cooties.

And, you didn't need condoms for protection.

Just circle circle, dot dot...

[all] Now I got my cootie shot.

How come you gotta work twice as hard for the same stuff?

We used to get free food and shelter for just existing.

There are too many rules.

In the good old days

all you had to know was your ABCs,

and your one two threes, and you'd get...

[all] A shiny gold sticker.

The rules keep changing.

Shit.

In the good old days,

I could run through the sprinkler with my wee-wee out.

Now, it's illegal. How that make sense?

I remember the day it happened.

Woman came up to me and said, "You need to put pants on. You're six."

That ain't hurting nobody.

Back then, I understood the options:

right, wrong, black, white, male, female.

Now, there's gender non-binary,

moral relativism,

and the color gray? What the fuck?!

In the good old days, if you were hungry,

a woman would pull her boobies out and feed you.

In the good old days, adults would wipe your ass and sing ya to sleep.

In the good old days, you could live in a sack

surrounded by amniotic fluid in the womb.

I sure do miss living in my father's testicles.

[all] The good old days!

[emcee] Welcome back to the third annual Whispy awards.

Here are your hosts, ASMR legends Itchy Mitch and Lorna Lipsmack.

[Lorna] Hello.

This is the one time of year the ASMR community

can come together and...

[rasping]

[Lorna slurping]

[Lorna chuckles]

[scraping]

While the YouTube comments may call us sound freaks,

I'd call us

auditory artists.

Who just happen to make your brain orgasm.

[crunch]

[Mitch] Without further ado,

we'd like to introduce the nominees

for best recorded duet in the found location.

[Lorna] Get Your Hair Did.

[whispers] Can I have a pencil?

[Mitch] Dude, Where's My Pencil?

[scraping]

Nice.

Divorce Pending.

And the Whispy goes to...

Dude, Where's My Pencil.

[whispering] Thank you.

Which brings us to our next honoree.

Once a year, we celebrate a person

who's dedicated their lives to making sounds that just make our minds...

[moaning]

[titters]

And now, the Lifetime Whispy Achievement Award goes to...

the Apollo Sandman.

And now, for our final Whispy of the night.

This next group of artists challenges what it means to hear sounds.

The nominees for best sounds are...

[Mitch] Mondays.

[lapping]

[Lorna] Mince, Lather, Repeat.

[squelching]

[Lorna] Get It Poppin!

[bubbles pop]

[Mitch] Muk-BE-Bangin'.

[squelching, slurping]

[Lorna] And the final Whispy goes to...

[both] Muk-BE-Bangin'.

[squelching, slurping]

[Lorna] Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah!

You're welcome.

Hey everybody, come on out to the pool.

Mo's gonna do a big entrance.

["Call Me Superstar" plays]

♪ You can call me superstar, whoa ♪

♪ You can call me superstar ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Ooh, they wish they got this far ♪

I'm sorry, she just-- She looks so beautiful.

-♪ Whoa ♪ -♪ You can call me superstar ♪

It's one of my top 10 memories now.

♪ Superstar, whoa ♪

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

Don't look at me. Don't look at me!

[cackling]

[laughing] She was-- She was--

Monique!

No! Don't look at me!

Don't look at me.

I mean, we gotta look, I mean.

Don't look at me.

[sobbing]

I just looked so beautiful.

[screaming]

And my stunt double... Oh, my God, she's gorgeous.

[distorted, slowed down audio]

Seriously, what the fuck am I forgetting?

It's killing me.

Did they see?

Yes, everyone saw.

-Yes. -Happy birthday to us.

You remembered!

Yeah!

Happy birthday, Monique.

Figures.

Wait, isn't it also James's birth--

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Now it's our time ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come, we here ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ With a brand-new style ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ Hit you with the first line, pow ♪

♪ Like ha, ha, hee, hee That's how you'll be ♪

♪ You won't resist When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ A whole 'nother level With a brand-new swag ♪

♪ Lemme show you How we gon' get that bag ♪

♪ You know we taking over Something's gotta give ♪

♪ Watch us run things Like we, like we, like we did ♪

♪ You know the vibe Clear the way, here we come ♪

♪ We be numero uno No comprende, number one ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ So you better get good ♪

-♪ Here we come ♪ -♪ Let's get it, get everybody now ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ It's about to be lit, and that's fact ♪

♪ When we hit you With the first line, pow ♪