Original subtitles

Good afternoon.

I'm happy to report that this morning, Chicago P.D. confirmed

that the murderous doll known as "Chucky"... is dead.

[gasping]

It is my honor to introduce...

the brave civilian responsible, Mr. Alex Irving.

-Good luck, brother, and thank you. -Alright man.

Y'all welcome. Y'all welcome.

Alright, so I guess I'll take some questions.

-Over here, Mister-- -Over here.

You.

-How'd you do it? -I'm a six foot two adult man.

The doll is one foot six. I kicked it.

[overlapping chatter]

Were you scared?

I mean, I was startled.

Kind of like when you see a mouse, and then you realize

it's just a mouse.

What did Chucky say to you?

It made some pun about me being burnt toast,

then I punted it.

-Wow, that's great. -Mr. Irving, excuse me.

-You. -Why do you believe you survived

when so many others did not?

Truthfully,

and, I mean this with all due respect to the victims,

it's because I'm not a bitch-ass.

Hey, my husband was killed by Chucky, and he was a colonel in the army.

Ma'am, I thank him for his service,

but, your husband was a bitch-ass.

So the doll didn't hurt you?

Oh, it had a knife, but its arms are only this long.

Not a lot of stabbing motion.

It did prick me.

I got a tetanus shot.

I'll be fine.

-How does it feel to be a hero? -I'm not.

Anybody here could have done what I did,

except for you,

You look like a bitch-ass.

That wasn't necessary.

It's all in your face. Bitch-assness.

Are you sure the doll is dead?

Listen, everyone, I cannot stress this enough,

killing Chucky was incredibly easy.

In fact, killing Chucky

was child's play.

[laughing]

Oh shit, it's the leprechaun! He's out of the hood!

[all screaming]

Are there any more questions?

Wow, he is not a bitch-ass.

-♪ Here we come now ♪ -♪ Now it's our time ♪

-♪ Here we come now ♪ -♪ Here we come, we here ♪

♪ Like ha, ha, hee, hee That's how you'll be ♪

♪ You won't resist When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ You know we taking over Something's gotta give ♪

♪ Watch us run things Like we did ♪

♪ You know the vibe Clear the way, here we come ♪

♪ We be numero uno No comprende, number one ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ With a brand new style ♪

♪ Hit you with the first line, pow ♪

[blender whirs]

[door slams]

Stop slamming the door.

[door slams]

It wasn't me. Shaggy.

[Keisha] Can someone turn that music down? I'm trying to finish.

That's gross, Keisha.

The walls are very thin here,

which is a plus or a minus, depending on what you're into.

The whole living situation has everyone on edge.

-Ray, you hungry? -No, I'm good,

I'mma borrow some of Jon's chips.

-How do you borrow chips? -Oh man, it's easy, like this.

Yo, who keeps eating my chips?

-You eating my chips? -I don't want chips.

Lord, I am spent. Ah, that was a good sesh.

[Jerah yelps] Did I get blacker?

[Monique] No you didn't, the power's just out.

-He looks blacker. -Thank you, Caroline.

-Okay. -"Always know where the power is,

or the man will steal it." King Tane, '86.

Hey, my chips.

-Yo. -Man, this place is a dump.

It's nasty.

-God. -Guys, you should clean.

I'm not cleaning this up.

It's James' room, make him clean it up.

Where is James?

What is that?

Oh.

That's blood.

What?

James is missing,

and there's DNA on the wall?

You guys,

this isn't a mess,

it's a crime scene.

Nice.

-Hey, Ray, right? -Yeah.

-Almost didn't recognize you. -Oh, yeah, no worries.

-Online dating, right? -Right.

By the way, this place is nice.

Yeah, the reviews online were amazing, and I think the menu's pretty good.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hmm?

I just-- What were you doing with your face just now?

Oh, right, I didn't tell you.

I have a condition.

It's called resting creep face.

Resting creep face?

Yeah, it's like resting bitch face.

It just means my face's natural resting position is that of a creep.

Anyways, how was your day?

Oh, my day was good.

Actually, my boss was out sick, which is a good thing,

because we don't really... get along,

and we had a party to plan,

and my coworker, Sierra, she wanted these cupcakes...

...and-- Can you please stop looking at me?

-Where do you want me to look? -Literally anywhere else?

Hey folks, are you ready to-- [screams]

Whoa. Uh, I'm sorry.

[waitress chuckles]

I'll, uh, I'll go get some more water.

In the meantime, is there anything else I can get you?

-Oh, let me look at the wine list. -Sure.

[silently mouthing]

[both continue silently mouthing]

-We'll take the Merlot. -Excellent choice.

Oh, my God, look at that cute baby.

She is adorable.

Stop, fucking stop.

-I can't, I have a condition. -Just try.

[sighs]

Ugh, try harder.

-How do you live like this? -Okay, you know what?

I thought we really connected online,

but you have been rude to me this entire time.

I have a condition,

and yeah, it's weird, and slightly off-putting,

and sounds completely made up, but it is who I am.

And if you can't handle that,

maybe you're the real creep.

Okay, no.

I heard what you said.

You're right, he was the real creep.

Thanks, that's really sweet.

Hey,

would you like to go out sometime?

Sure.

No.

[announcer] You've seen her celebrate Christmas,

you've seen her go to jail.

Now, Madea's back for a whole new adventure.

Heller, I stole me one of dem time machines.

That's right, Madea stole a time machine.

Watch Madea travel through time and visit great moments in history.

We can't get a Madam CJ Walker movie made,

but, we got 22 Madea movies in the pipeline.

Now, Joe, you can't be having me travel back in time

for no durnt McRib, and you ain't got no dern money.

Goddamnit, Madea, speak English.

Never know what the hell you be saying, ya wrinkly ass heifer.

Featuring Tyler Perry as Madea,

Tyler Perry as Joe,

and Tyler Perry as Madea as Malcolm X.

That can't be right.

We didn't land on Plimmit Rerk,

-Plimmit Rerk landed on us. -[man] Get yo' hand out of my pocket.

[gunshots]

Now, cut out all of that dern ferlishness, 'fo I bust a cap in yo' ass.

They ain't gon' be no assassinatin' today.

Okay, that was funny.

Let's see what we got next.

Oh, no, not the MLK assassination.

I had a dream,

that one day I'd take my little black shoe,

and my little white shoe,

and proceed to curb stomp your nerts,

Hallelujah.

I never thought I'd want to see Madea curb stomp James Earl Ray, until I did.

Next, she meets... Jesus?

Consider me skeptical, but I'm gonna see how this plays out.

Y'all ain't put no seasoning on this food.

Jesus Lordt, will you turn summa dis water into Lawry's.

Father, why hath thou forsaken me?

Judas, I see you with ya snitchin' ass.

Its easy to hate on Tyler Perry, but now that I think about it,

he employs tons of black people.

He even hired me to do this voice over.

Oh, you goddamn build-a-hoe,

ya done gone around and messed up the space-time continuum.

-Damn, I definitely gotta see this. -[man] Into the Madeaverse.

[Ray] Before James went missing,

I just happened to be catching up on some true crime shows,

serial killers, cold case,

and framing O.J. docs. [clicks tongue] He ain't do it.

But they were all Netflix. [clicks tongue]

Who dun did it?

Did what, bitch?

Ray, are you high?

Yes.

Don't try and change the subject.

You know where that blood came from, don't you Keisha?

No.

I didn't hurt James.

Go ahead and check the tapes.

I have a very tight alibi.

Go ahead and check those tapes.

What about you, Jon?

Did James challenge your authority?

You power-hungry joke monster!

What the flip, get off me, man.

Look, I can't keep track of all the members of Astronomy Club.

It's not my job to babysit.

I just tell them what's funny. That's my job.

Everybody in this room

hated James,

but especially Mo.

[scoffs]

Honestly, if I were going to kill someone in the house, it would be on camera.

Imagine the ratings.

Enough!

I'll reveal the killer.

Follow me, to the living room.

We're in the living room.

-Exactly! -Oh, God.

[announcer] It's time for everyone's favorite game show...

[audience] What You Shoulda.

-With your host Monique Renee. -Thanks Cam.

Thanks everyone, let's play What You Shoulda,

the only game show where men tell women

what they shoulda done differently in a situation.

Let's meet our contestants.

Whaddup? I'm Ty and I'm a personal trainer from Virginia Beach.

Hey, what's going on? I'm Leo,

I'm a pop-up motivational speaker in Queens.

Hi, I'm Barry, an investment banker in Brooklyn, just looking for love.

It's not that type of game show.

-Sure, hon. -Cool.

Okay gents, you know the rules.

We're gonna have a lady come out and tell you a true story.

You're going to listen,

buzz in, and tell her what she shoulda done differently.

-Now, Leo? -[beep]

What you shoulda done is given the rules

before you introduce contestants.

-I'm just saying. -Okay, alright, well,

we have not started the game yet,

and if you had let me finish, you would've known

that the only way to win this game

is to not tell a woman what she shoulda done,

-ever. Just don't buzz in. -Sounds great, I'll take "Walking."

Okay, alright, please welcome Lulu.

[audience claps]

So, the other night I was walking home,

and a man was sitting on the stoop with his friends,

and he started making these kissing noises, and he said

"Damn honey, I want to know what you can do with a body like that." So--

-[beep] -What you shoulda done was yell,

"It'll beat the shit outta you, jackass."

Threatening the masculinity of a man in front of his friends,

not what we're looking for.

-[beep] -What you shoulda done is said,

"It can do a lot, baby, but you'll never know."

Okay, flirting with a creep. No thank you.

What you shoulda done is taken a cab and known not to walk home at night.

Barry, you go once a round. Once!

-Leo, go for it. -You should have just ignored it.

-Oh, that's great. -[applause]

And then, are you taking it as a compliment?

No! No, no, no. Okay, none of you get points this round.

Remember, the way to win our prize, is just to not buzz in.

Cam, tell 'em our prize.

[Cam] One hundred million dollars!

That's right, we've been on the air for two years and still no winners.

Gentleman, if you quit now, you will automatically--

Sounds great, sweet lady.

-Okay. -I'll take... Mmm! "Working."

Oh, my God, there are no dice in this game.

Let's give it up for Nicole.

I was going through some files at work

and I found out that I make less than all the men on my team.

-[beep] -What you shoulda done is just ignored it,

and taken it as a compliment.

That makes no sense, boo.

-[beep] -What you shoulda done

is wait until you were in the men's room, peeing next to each other--

-[buzzing] -Impossible on so many levels.

Guys, reminder,

just don't buzz in if you wanna win.

When I get shushed, we are in our lightning round.

What you shoulda done was added some fireworks, like pew, pew!

Lulu, come back out.

Recently, I went on a date with a guy.

Things were going pretty well, so we went back to his place.

But when I wanted to leave he got aggressive, he grabbed my arm.

-[beep] -I just woulda been like, "Hyah! Hyah!"

-No, no, you would not have. -[repeated beeping]

What you shoulda done was reach back,

grabbed the lamp, and smashed it right on his head.

-There's a lamp? -What you shoulda done

is went in like you were gonna kiss, head butt him, and grab that lamp.

Again, there's no lamp.

Hit him so he bust through the fish tank.

Now there's a fish tank.

What you shoulda done was known

-not to go out with this guy. -That, too.

Alright, you know what, I'm calling it.

There are no winners, only losers,

and, somehow, it's us?

Ladies, take the money.

Thanks for watching...

[all] What You Shoulda.

A toast to your freedom.

You spent two years in a dead-end relationship.

It's time to get back on the market, girl.

-Yes. -Okay, do this.

But you know what, this time, I am not playing around, okay?

If I send a text,

I expect a text back, same day.

Why is it so hard to find a man that will text you back?

Men are shady.

I lived with Jerrod for three months,

and he never changed his Facebook status from single.

I just want an honest man, who doesn't play games,

who I can roll up in a rug and trample with my high heels.

Girl, it's been a minute since I rolled up a man inside a rug and trampled him.

-It's what every woman likes to do. -Every woman, yeah.

[all] Yes!

I don't see any women here that looks like they wanna

roll me into a rug and trample me.

I know the feeling. It's a tough scene for a man trying to get squashed, fam.

I asked this chick a few weeks back to squash me.

Bruh, she squeezed me.

I looked at her and said, "Do I look like Temple Grandin to you?"

I want a squash, not a squeeze.

Yo, I never told you this,

but Kevin would only let me roll him up in a blanket, and trample him with flats.

-Nasty. -Finally, I had to be, like, Kevin,

look, I need to wear high heels,

because I want to give you that good pain, when I'm trampling your face and balls.

Mm-hmm.

I had spent so much time explaining that to him

that I just lost the mood to trample.

-Kevin was no kind of man. -Mm-mm.

Excuse me, I didn't mean to eavesdrop,

but were you ladies talking about rolling a man up in a rug

and trampling on his balls?

-Yeah. -Yes.

Why is it so hard to find a guy who will let you do that?

I don't know!

Oh, my God!

Back when I was with Bethany, she'd roll me up like a burrito,

dig her heels into my nuts, hard.

Yeah, man, it was like Walmart Black Friday,

365 days a year.

-Whatever happened with Bethany? -Man, she came home early,

caught me with my side-piece just getting started on the roll up.

I tried to tell her, we just taking measurements, we not trampling.

She ain't buy it.

-I'm sorry to hear that. -Man, it's whatever, I'm good.

[all exclaiming, laughing]

Have you ever trampled so hard that it makes makes a man fart in his rug?

All the time, it's like playing a flute.

[all humming]

It's something every woman has experienced.

Yes, every woman.

Hey, the club is kinda dead, let's bounce.

You wanna go to my place, mummify each other?

No, I just got some fresh diapers. Hey, y'all wanna come back to the crib?

We can take turns gluing each other to my chair.

I could fuck around with some glue.

-I'm down, just let me settle up first. -All right.

-Excuse me, where's your restroom? -Can I close up? Sorry, my bad, you first.

Oh, no, I was just looking for the restroom.

Me and my friends were laughing so hard, I pissed myself.

Order up, one big wet burrito.

That's a pretty cool-looking burrito,

reminds me of...

-Rolling a guy up... -...getting rolled in a rug

-...trampling his nuts. -...and having my nuts trampled.

Guess we've all been there, huh?

What's your name?

Dee Dee.

You said you were hanging with your friends tonight?

Not anymore.

My inner Sherlock tells me, murder is afoot.

A feet?

Damn, that's some good sativa.

All I know is, these niggas are suspects.

Every member of Astronomy Club

had their own reasons for wanting to off James.

Caroline, you wanted him dead because he was annoying.

Jerah,

you wanted him dead because he was annoying.

-Off my back, man. -You like it.

And Shawtane, you want him dead because he was annoying as fuck.

Facts.

Nobody here would murder James, dodo.

Admit it, you all thought about it.

-Well yeah, of course. -I mean, yeah.

-I'd drown him. -Tried to get a pillow over his face.

Pow.

The killer is in this very room,

and all the clues point to the one person...

I never thought would have killed...

-Party, party. -James!

-Hey guys. -Where'd you go?

I went to the store to replace Jon's chips that Ray ate.

I knew it,

because I'm all that

and a bag of chips.

-Now I'm not even sorry. -That's funny.

-That's funny. -You corny as hell.

Wait, were you all worried and looking for me?

-No -Absolutely not.

I knew y'all loved me.

Come on, bring it in.

Come on, Caroline.

Come on, Caroline, all right.

But what about the blood on the wall?

Oh, that was here when we moved in.

Oh, what?

One of the producers told me to save money they put us in a murder house.

Every room in the house smells like fresh pennies.

Well, at least that makes sense.

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Now it's our time ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come, we here ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ With a brand-new style ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ Hit you with the first line, pow ♪

♪ Like ha, ha, hee, hee That's how you'll be ♪

♪ You won't resist When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ A whole 'nother level With a brand-new swag ♪

♪ Lemme show you How we gon' get that bag ♪

♪ You know we taking over Something's gotta give ♪

♪ Watch us run things Like we, like we, like we did ♪

♪ You know the vibe Clear the way, here we come ♪

♪ We be numero uno No comprende, number one ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ So you better get good ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ Let's get it, everybody now ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ It's going down, it's about to be lit ♪

♪ And that's fact ♪

♪ When we hit you With the first line, pow ♪