Original subtitles

[school bell rings]

Oh, man, I heard we have a substitute teacher today.

Yeah, but it's probably gonna be lame.

Greetings and salutations.

[students] Katt Williams?

Okay, settle down, children.

I said, settle down, children.

I am Katt Williams. I'll be your substitute English teacher today, okay?

Wow.

[student] Whoa, he permed out.

But Katt, why are you our sub?

Your bitch ass English teacher, Mr. Henson,

fell down three flights of stairs and fractured his coccyx.

And I've got 109 hours of community service

for robbing a Williams-Sonoma at nun-point.

Dope! Wait,

don't you mean gunpoint?

I sure don't.

Now, today's lesson is on Shakespeare's tragiclicious Romeo and Juliet.

Take out ya textbooks.

[students murmur]

They've been pimpified, okay.

Now, in the beginning, a bunch of white people fightin'

'cause somebody done bit they thumb.

Now, I don't know what the problem is,

I really don't.

Maybe he had a nail-biting issue, boo-boo.

But these white people lost they damn minds.

Never in the history of niggadom has a nigga been more cold-blooded.

He just standing there, just...

"Is this nigga bitin' his thumb right now?

Time to die, nigga,

time to die!

That's for Nee-Nee and them,

take that nigga,

bite your thumb again."

Damn, that is cold-blooded.

I'm telling you little niggas,

Shakespeare's more savage than when I once saw Suge Knight

body slam a cashier at a Del Taco

for saying the word "sconce."

-Sconce. -Sconce.

Now, Romeo's bitch ass, he's all lovey and dovey

over some bitch named Rosalind. He just...

Oh! Oh!

He probably still smell her juices on his fingers and shit.

[students groan]

And his friends, they just clownin' him, they're just standing there,

"Hath she let ya hit it yet, Romeo? Has she let you hit it?"

And he's over here just, "Not yet cousin, not yet...

[sniffs]

...but I doth have hope, cousin."

So, Romeo is a pimp?

He sure is a pimp. Fast Times at Nigmont High.

One page later, he meets Juliet,

and I guess Rosalind's just "The Bitch That Time Forgot."

She just standin' there, just...

"What about...

what about me?"

Yeah, that's how they do.

Does he have to say "bitch" so much?

Romeo's bitch ass

put the pussy on a pedestal,

and then he got married.

That's why the nigga is dead today. The end.

Katt, that was hella dope,

but the test just isn't on Romeo and Juliet,

it's also on Taming of the Shrew.

That's about niggas keepin' they bitch in check. Okay.

What about Twelfth Night?

The people of Verona can't tell niggas apart

because white people be trippin' like that.

-What about Othello? -All the white people

hate the one black person in the room.

#GreenBookWasn'tGood.

-Do Macbeth. -When a bitch

got a weak ass nigga, she will get that nigga killed.

-Hamlet. -A white man loses his mind,

and then just goes on a killing spree, traveling through Europe.

That's white privilege.

-[students] Oh, Katt. -[bell rings]

I'm sorry,

that's the bell and that means that's my time. Uh...

I have been Katt Williams, everybody.

Y'all can have a good nigh-- Oh.

I got seven more classes to do today?

Uh-uh. Take me to jail. Take me to jail. Good night.

[students cheering] Katt! Katt!

-♪ Here we come now ♪ -♪ Now it's our time ♪

-♪ Here we come now ♪ -♪ Here we come, we here ♪

♪ Like ha, ha, hee, hee That's how you'll be ♪

♪ You won't resist When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ You know we taking over Something's gotta give ♪

♪ Watch us run things Like we did ♪

♪ You know the vibe Clear the way, here we come ♪

♪ We be numero uno No comprende, number one ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ With a brand new style ♪

♪ Hit you with the first line, pow ♪

Y'all, where the delivery guy? I'm hungry.

I canceled it.

Oh, yes, I'm making everybody a soul food feast. For the culture.

Sometimes I feel insecure about my blackness.

So, I bought this book,

Soul Food For People Who Feel Insecure About Their Blackness.

It's really powerful.

Making this show has made everyone question what it means to be black.

Of course, Caroline's freaking out.

So, everyone's gonna start getting defensive.

All right, I'mma make a sandwich while we wait.

Damn it, Keisha you at all the white bread.

So what! So what? I had some white bread!

I've also had brown bread

and black bread and Filipino bread.

I've had all kinds of bread!

Doesn't mean I'm thirsty for white bread!

Ain't nobody thirsty for no bread.

I live in a black neighborhood,

my hair is black, and I buy black.

So don't come at me for having a white husband.

I don't know why Keisha's being so defensive.

I have a white husband and it's fine.

All right we're gonna use that for the "white edit" of the show, right?

For the rest, you know, we're just gonna cut that out? For the culture.

[man] Uh, Monique, we don't do a "white edit."

[Monique] Oh? Okay.

Anybody want a JB Smoothie?

Oh, okay.

Alright.

Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you. Cheers.

Well done, brother.

Gross, Caroline, what is in this?

Ham hock and black eyed peas.

-What?! Why?! -No, why?!

I told you my palette is sensitive!

[overlapping shouts]

After the smoothies, I was thirsty for bread.

Mmm!

For the culture.

Mm-hmm.

Son, we need to talk.

Your mother and I found this on your laptop.

Oh God, this is my nightmare.

We're very disappointed in you.

We just... we never expected you to do something like this.

I just watched a little porn. Is it really that bad?

Son, there's nothing wrong with watching porn.

-But, you're watching white porn. -I'm sorry...

-Wait, did you say "white porn"? -Damn right!

Look, every time a black person watches white porn,

a black dick gets soft.

Is that what you really want?

Hmm?

Dad, porn is porn. I don't care what color they are, all I see are titties--

Boy, we don't do white porn in this house!

Look, I watch black porn all the time.

I even keep a little thumb drive, for emergencies.

Ain't no "No WiFi" stopping me.

[woman] Where you going? The party's just getting started

in my white vagina.

See, that's what I'm talking about, okay?

Black people revolutionized, the porn industry

and we ain't get no credit for it. They stole it from us, son,

the same way Ryan Gosling stole jazz. Never forget.

Okay, so you're okay if I watch porn, so long as it's black porn?

Absolutely, black people been banging for decades.

-Decades? -Maybe more!

Dad, it's not that I only like white porn,

it's just that white porn is pretty much all there is on those sites.

Son, let me learn you somethin',

we got plenty of classics people never talk about.

Did someone say “classics?”

-[mother chuckling] -Ohh...

Help me, Black Jesus.

We were waiting to pass this down 'til you were ready,

ready for all this black sex-cellence.

Here are some of our personal favorites.

Malcum XXX.

-12 Inches a Slave. -[imitates whip cracking]

The Tuskegee Semen.

We saw that in the theater.

Guess Who's Cumming to Dinner? It's everyone.

Bukkake Panther Party, Hidden Fingers, Girth of a Nation.

-Go Fuck It On the Mountain-- -Why is there so much?

Eyes On Them Thighs.

Glory... Hole,

Rose Wood, Antwone Fist Him, When We Were Kinky,

-A Raisin in the Puss-- -Stop!

Stop, okay, I think I'm starting to get it.

Speaking of self care,

you need to take better care of yourself.

You're in here jerkin' it with Jergens like you don't love yourself.

You gotta use some cocoa butter.

It'll leave your dick smooth and smelling like an Atlanta stripper.

Okay, I really didn't need all that.

I just wanted to watch a little porn, that's all.

It's about representation.

Black pornstars aren't treated equally with their white counterparts.

A person can choose not to work with someone

based on the color of their skin.

Oh, I never thought about it like that.

But now I don't even know if I can watch black porn.

I don't wanna see black women degraded that way.

Son, be the change you wanna see in this world.

Are you telling me to be a porn star?

No, son, we're telling you to be a black porn star.

-You're my little black porn star. -I want to see that dick.

[announcer] And the award for Best Director goes to...

Barry Jerkings for Poonlight.

[applause]

This is my truth.

My parents always told me... black porn only.

I'm a surf instructor. Do you like the beach?

I don't know, I've never been.

Gross.

[announcer] Tina Simmons always had trouble connecting with men,

until one day...

I just wish I understood how they thought.

...something magical happened.

Ma'am? Ma'am? Are you okay?

I think so.

[waiter] Wow, this clumsy girl is really cute!

Oh, my God, I can hear your thoughts!

[announcer] She could hear men's thoughts.

What?

[announcer] At first, her friends didn't believe her.

Tina, I'm not joking around here.

You have a concussion, and you need to see a neurologist.

No, you have to believe me, I can hear men's innermost thoughts.

He's thinking about how cute I look right now.

No Inglés.

That's it, I'm taking you to the E.R.

[announcer] But then, something even more magical happened.

[Tina] Oh, shit.

Tina, Tina, are you okay?

Crystal, you look like a supermodel.

I guess I'm seeing your inner beauty as your--

[announcer] She could see people's inner beauty as their outer beauty.

Alright, that's actually pretty insulting.

After all, dating in New York can be hard.

What seems to be the problem?

She thinks getting hit in the head is giving her magical powers.

This could be serious--

Oh, my God, I'm a grown woman trapped in a young girl's body.

Okay, we need to get her into surgery right away.

But sometimes, just when you think all is lost...

Well, Tina, it was touch and go for a minute,

but we were able to stop the hemorrhaging.

-Oh, good. -There's just one problem.

-What? -We need to figure out where to go...

on our date tonight.

You find you have everything to gain.

It's a date.

I'm so sorry,

the brain can only take so much.

You did your best, Doctor.

I'm afraid there's just one more decision we have to make.

What's that?

Where I'm going to take you out...

on our date tonight.

Ahh! Wow!

[Crystal] Oh, these flowers are so beautiful.

[doctor] For a beautiful lady.

-I think I love you. -No, I love you.

[phone ringing]

Hello, this is Jonathan Braylock speaking.

Yo, wassup, fam?

Yeah, how you livin', cuz? Nah, I'm good, brah,

I'm just hangin' with the homies.

I grew up in a white suburb, and won my family's spades tournament.

Yea, I can code switch.

James, you haven't tried your hog maw muffin.

You're right.

Yeah, I could definitely be blacker.

Guess I gotta eat these pig colon muffins.

-James. -Whoa.

Hey, everybody, this is Peppers,

my dick appointment for this episode.

-Oh, hi. -Nice to meet you.

My blackness is intersectional, 'cause I'm half Puerto Rican.

-[phone chimes] -'Scuse me.

Okay.

I met this guy in WeHo last night.

I'm 'bout to intersect that ass. Oh, can we put that in the "gay edit"?

For the culture.

[speaking in Spanish]

I--

People think I'm Mexican,

Puerto Rican, Dominican, Samoan, Tongan...

[chuckles] Korean.

I once had an agent tell me I look like an Asian Kevin Spacey.

But, I'm black,

and Native American,

and Mexican, Puerto Rican, Dominican, Korean, Sephardic Jew.

Fifi on the track.

♪ It's a party for everybody All my baddies, cuties, and my hotties ♪

♪ Fifi on the track, you know Fifi on the track, let's go ♪

♪ No matter where you're from, boy You're the one, boy ♪

♪ International boy, global toy boy ♪

♪ You can get it in boy, I'm not coy boy ♪

♪ Worldwide roll call Baby, make some noise ♪

Yeah!

♪ Black, brown, white and down Asian boys, too ♪

♪ Though Asia is A full ass continent, my dude ♪

♪ I don't wanna be rude When I'm doin' my thang ♪

♪ So let me rep the countries Of the boys I wanna bang ♪

♪ Some from here Some from here ♪

♪ If you Chinese, Japanese From the Philippines ♪

♪ Or you Taiwanese, Nepalese Or Indonese, please ♪

♪ K-boys from Busan, flipping calamari ♪

♪ Got me twerkin' like I'm Turkish Which is in the Middle East ♪

♪ It's in the Middle East But it also straddles Asia ♪

♪ You know what else in Asia? ♪

♪ Macau and Malaysia, whoa ♪

♪ It make a bitch go woo ha! ♪

♪ Did you know Asia's The biggest continen-ta? ♪

♪ Yeah continen-tas ♪

♪ Check my condimen-tas Duck sauce, soy sauce ♪

♪ Pass the gochujang, brah ♪

♪ But this ain't about food Nah, this about a party ♪

♪ It's a party in my pants All the world's invited ♪

♪ There's so many hot boys Around the world ♪

♪ But first we gotta finish Asia It's really big ♪

♪ Asia's got the stans Not the fans but the lands ♪

♪ Pakistan, Afghanistan, Kyrzygstan ♪

♪ Yo my mans There's like 10 more of them ♪

♪ Even more I'm finna skip ♪

♪ Yo, I wish I had looked at a map ♪

♪ Before I started this ♪

♪ Tryna solve world peace Between my thighs ♪

♪ Now I get why other rappers Generalize guys ♪

♪ Too much work ♪

♪ Bein' PC for that D, I need a break ♪

Can I sit down for minute?

[echoing voice] What about me, Fifi?

Oh, come on, I'm so tired.

No, Fifi. You have to do it, for the culture.

♪ Algeria, Angola, Botswana, and Burundi ♪

♪ Benin, Chad, and Congo Cabo Verde, and Djibouti ♪

♪ Comoros, Cote D'Ivoire Burkini Faso, C.A.R. ♪

♪ Zambia, Libya Cameroon, get in my room! ♪

♪ Also, Ghana, Mali, Niger Egypt, Kenya, Lesotho ♪

♪ Ethiopia, Liberia, Sierra Leone ♪

♪ Gimme Guinea Guinea Bassau, Equatorial Guinea ♪

♪ Get those three and Gabon And Malawi up in me ♪

♪ Namibia, Nigeria, Eswanti, Mozambique ♪

♪ Togo, Senegal, Sudan, and South Sudan Y'all D's on fleek ♪

♪ I want more Mauritania ♪

♪ South Africa, Uganda ♪

♪ Get outta my dreams And get in my Madagascar ♪

♪ Mauritius and Rwanda, Tanzania? ♪

♪ You know I wanna ♪

♪ Morocco, Eritrea, Sao Tome Principe Gambia, Somalia, Tunisia, and Zimbabwe ♪

♪ All day, and we can't sleep On Seychelles ♪

♪ It's a worldwide party But I'm skipping everywhere else ♪

♪ It's a party for everybody ♪

♪ All my baddies, cuties, and my hotties ♪

I love me my international boys.

But I'm retiring from rap. I ain't about to do this shit again.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Whoo. See ya later.

All right.

Welcome everyone, to the local chapter of Fight Injustice Now.

If you look at the sheet that was handed out, it provides a...

I'm sorry, we typically save questions for the end--

Hello, my name is Marcellus Trivvers,

and I took two classes at Morehouse College.

I am here to promote, emote, and showboat

for my black brothers and sisters.

Black Power!

Okay, welcome, Marcellus.

Please familiarize yourself with our organization's mission statement--

There's no time for that. We got people dying in these streets.

We need to fight injustice now!

Fight injustice now! Fight injustice now!

[all chanting] Fight injustice now!

Yes, I know. Hence, our name.

So if you're finished with your statement,

we do need to move forward with the agenda--

Give us free.

Give us free.

Give us free!

Alright, Amistad.

That's a cool movie, I guess.

Maybe we should save that energy for the street rally next--

You heard the man. Get up, we taking it to the streets.

-Take it to the streets! -No.

-Please sit down. -Take it to the streets!

We are not taking it to the streets.

Don't be afraid of the police, brotha, we got strength in numbers.

I am not afraid of--

The permit for the street rally is next Friday.

[all groaning]

Yeah, today we are reviewing city council's proposal.

I propose we fight systemic racism. Do you know what that is?

Yes, we all know what systemic racism is.

-I don't. -What?

Okay, look, the purpose of today's meeting--

Less meetings, more action.

Less meetings, more action.

This is your first meeting.

We must elevate, participate,

appreciate, procreate, associate--

Why are y'all clapping? He's not saying anything, he's just rhyming.

I like rhymes.

We all like rhymes. We all like marching, we all like charisma. But if we don't--

♪ Wade in the water ♪

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

♪ Wade in the water, children ♪

♪ Wade in the water Something's gonna getcha in the water ♪

Stop it. Stop!

Stop singing Negro spirituals.

Why would you do that?

To lift our spirits from all this white oppression.

Educate yourself.

Educate my-- I am educated. Educate yourself, brotha.

He went to Morehouse.

Are you clapping for yourself?

Y'all gonna clap with him?

He started clappin' for himself.

The man started clappin' for himself.

Okay, that's enough. I said enough.

I'm not gonna let you sidetrack my agenda.

I'm the leader,

you are a vocal minority.

I'mma silence you. I'mma silence your voice.

Sit in the back. I said sit yo' black ass in the back, nigga.

[people gasping]

Okay, I see what I did there.

Irony, am I right?

I don't know what irony means.

Of course you don't. I'mma just leave.

Well, looks like we gotta lot of work to do,

but first things first, we need to get organized.

Did y'all know there isn't a white edit of the show?

Yeah, they really should've made that clearer.

There's a gay edit though.

I think.

Well, Caroline, this lemon Jell-O's pretty good.

This is the mac and cheese.

Good God.

Nothing I ate made sense.

Corn tasted like meat.

Meat tasted like yogurt? For the culture.

Who's got room for some chitlins cake?

[all groaning]

Ain't nobody's momma made no chitlins cake!

-No! -No!

I'm doing the blackest I can.

I have beef with this food.

Oh!

That's right. I'm Canadian black,

so I'm hard, like Drake.

You and me food, we enemies.

-Yeah, Mo. -Yeah.

Wow.

She was trying to kill us.

Hey, stop yelling at me. Okay, listen.

Okay, I spent 20 whole minutes

slaving away on that stove, okay?

Yes, I did, to prove my blackness to all of you.

You guys are ungrateful...

ni...

What? Say what?

-[Monique] Ni... -What?

-Come on say it. -Yes?

Nincompoops!

Aww, Caroline.

Nigga, what?

I've never said the N-word before.

Caroline, it's not a competition.

Obviously I'm the blackest member.

Stop!

This is what the man wants.

Look, we all express our blackness in different ways.

Okay, that's what makes this team special, we're all different.

Doesn't matter if you're from the hood,

or the suburbs,

Canada,

or... wherever James is from.

Yeah, where am I from?

Guys, Tane is right.

You know what?

Let's blow out these candles.

But I wonder, what should we wish for?

[all] For the culture.

Bruh, we better get an Image Award for this shit.

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Now it's our time ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come, we here ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ With a brand-new style ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ Hit you with the first line, pow ♪

♪ Like ha, ha, hee, hee That's how you'll be ♪

♪ You won't resist When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ A whole 'nother level With a brand-new swag ♪

♪ Lemme show you How we gon' get that bag ♪

♪ You know we taking over Something's gotta give ♪

♪ Watch us run things Like we, like we, like we did ♪

♪ You know the vibe Clear the way, here we come ♪

♪ We be numero uno No comprende, number one ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ So you better get good ♪

♪ Let's get it Get everybody now ♪

-♪ It's going down ♪ -♪ It's about to be lit, and that's fact ♪

♪ When we hit you With the first line, pow ♪