Original subtitles

Cynthia, I love that lipstick.

Chanel, honey.

Oh!

What's your secret? Your skin looks so flawless.

You know what they say, black don't crack.

[all laughing]

[cracking]

Oh, no.

What's wrong?

It's finally happening.

What?

Take me, it's my time!

Bitch was 116 years old.

-♪ Here we come now ♪ -♪ Now it's our time ♪

-♪ Here we come now ♪ -♪ Here we come, we here ♪

♪ Like ha, ha, hee, hee That's how you'll be ♪

♪ You won't resist When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ You know we taking over Something's gotta give ♪

♪ Watch us run things Like we did ♪

♪ You know the vibe Clear the way, here we come ♪

♪ We be numero uno No comprende, number one ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ With a brand new style ♪

♪ Hit you with the first line, pow ♪

[Shawtane] Rise and shine, homie.

It's Ice Cube Day. Yay-yay!

[Jerah] What the hell, Tane?

Ice Cube Day is a holiday that I invented to celebrate all things Ice Cube.

Growing up in Cali, I was practically raised on Ice Cube's movies and music.

And today, Jerah's gonna be my sidekick.

I don't know why, but I have the sudden urge to say,

"Bitch!"

Yeah, you know, man--

-They think we playin' games. -I know.

-We not playing these games. -Really?

You guys are starting with Boyz n the Hood?

-Ricky! -Ricky!

[grunts]

[exclaiming]

-Ricky! -Ricky!

♪ Oh, my god ♪

-No, Ricky... -No, Ricky...

-I'm not gon' cry. I ain't gon' cry. -Guys, who is this?

My name is Samuel Stricklen.

I've actually played six dead guys on The Mentalist.

-Oh, okay. -Oh, Ricky...

This is the blackest thing that's ever happened to me.

C'mon Ricky, we gon' put you in the '64 Impala.

I auditioned to play Ricky,

but I guess they went a different way.

Good morrow, my fellow Comptonians.

I, Schoolboy Reggie, have called this quest.

My big mother is in need of ingredients for her hood-famous cheese grits.

We must journey to the Crenshaw Bodega.

But Reginald, there's a bodega across the street, is there not?

Yes, but lo, Big Mother doth owe that bodega $23.74.

-Who's with me? -I, Darius,

black athlete of Compton, Blue Chip prospect, stand with thee.

I, Yolanda,

drug dealer of the block and High Priestess of heroin, hath got thy back.

And, I,

Tanisha, the Thiccest.

Back thine ass up, okurrrt.

Has anyone seen Dis Nigga Terrence?

My liege, Dis Nigga hath made a pact with CP time.

Lateness and fuckery abounds.

[Darius] Hark!

Corner Boys.

We doth sling dope and cut throats.

We shall take thine shit.

[yelling]

They reach'th for my Air Force 1s, bestowed to me by my father.

Doth these fools know 'tis my block?

I will draw them hither, with my distracting derriere.

[Tanisha] Oh, hey fellas.

Oh, look at da booty. [chuckles]

What's going on, my Nubian princess?

What be her special power again?

[Corner Boy 1] That's a powerful posterior.

Ahh!

-Oh, come here. -Word.

Ahh!

She's but the thiccest.

Yeah. Ow.

The battle was tough. Therefore, let us take a short rest.

[all] Chronic break.

[lighter clicks]

Oh, yeah.

Good shit.

[Reggie] But, ho, over there.

A gaggle of Thots are upon us!

Surely, we are done for.

Is you my baby daddy?

-Is you my baby daddy? -No.

Sorry I'm late, y'all, my bus caught on fire.

Y'all smoke without me?

[all] Dis Nigga Terrence!

The Thots, they are retreatin'.

They see Dis Nigga hath no money.

He ain't about shit, come on baby.

Forsooth, my EBT card hath been replenished.

[all] 'Tis the first of the month.

Westward, ho.

For the cheese grits.

[all] For the cheese grits.

How did we let this get to market?

This game is one of the most racist things I've ever seen,

-and I went to Duke. -How did we miss this?

We're ruined.

I tried to tell y'all.

I sent 285 e-mails.

Look, cracka, look!

Okay, well now, that's just a waste of paper.

[yelling]

We're blaming that black guy, right?

Um, yeah.

[announcer] Back by popular demand, it's Wayback Wonderland,

R&B hip-hop music festival that's off the chi-zain.

This concert lineup is bananas, y'all.

Remember Kidz2Adults,

Coco Blvd,

Jimmy Jimi Jimmay.

We're talking all yo' favorites,

but on an updated post-"Me Too" vibe.

Who can forget R&B sex machines Cruditay?

They're back, but with a more appropriate version

of their smash single, "Backstage Underage."

We are now calling this song, "In Our Green Room."

Minors must be accompanied by an adult.

Except when we tour several countries outside the U.S.,

where the age of consent is considerably lower.

Heard your feedback, responded to your petitions,

and received your lawsuits.

Now, Wayback Wonderland is back and even better than before.

What's good?

We da Hump Lordz,

and we about to sing our title track,

"Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, In Yo' Drink, Drink, Drink."

So as it turns out, we're not legally permitted to sing those lyrics,

'cause that constitutes

a sex crime.

But we can project them on this white screen,

redacted.

And on the Let's Get Married stage,

we got New Sensitivity,

the most romantic R&B band of the '90s.

Who about to bring a new sensitivity

to their choreographiezez.

It's that time of the night, where we used to give one lucky fan

a four-way face grind.

But we're responsible now,

so get that body ready,

'cause we gonna give you

a four-year scholarship to the school of your choice!

The '90s was a different time, y'all,

but that don't mean we can't enjoy it today.

Yeah, some lyrics might be cringe-y,

but at least we know them bands was good peoples, right?

Yeah, boi! We're Ampersand.

Our old name was so nasty,

we had to change it to a punctuation.

Y'all ready to get this candy?

A'ight, then, let's do it.

This next track is called "We're straight Up Pedophi--"

[man] Ampersand will no longer be appearing at this festival.

[announcer] Wayback Wonderland,

a music festival where we separate the artists from the art,

so you don't have to.

[man] All sales final.

MLK was a ho.

[James] MLK was a ho.

MLK was a ho.

MLK was a ho.

-MLK... -Guys, guys!

I'm trying to play Black Fortnite.

Sorry, but we're doing Barbershop right now,

they both want to play Cedric the Entertainer,

and I can't decide who's better.

-MLK was a ho! -MLK was a ho!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

You're embarrassing yourselves.

It's like this. "MLK was a ho.

Fuck Bill Cosby, yeah, I said it."

Honestly, you're hired.

Ice Cube Day. Yay-yay.

-Nervous flyer? -[thunder rumbles]

No. Now that we're at cruising altitude, it's not so bad.

-Hi, I'm Rudy. -Kelly, hi.

-[laughs] -[plane PA beeps]

This is your captain speaking, we're about to fly through a storm system,

and you can expect some turbulence. Please fasten your seat belts.

Just breathe, you got this.

It's gonna be great.

♪ Lookin' good, bad as she wanna be ♪

♪ Go ahead, walk it out Right in front of me ♪

♪ Look out ♪

Did you see that?

[Kelly] See what?

Never mind.

Must be my eyes playing tricks on me.

There's no reason to be nervous.

Pilots fly through storms all the time, so...

-Right. [clears throat] -[thunder cracks]

♪ Lookin' good, bad as she wanna be ♪

There she is again.

-What? -Look,

a woman is twerking on the wing of this plane. She getting it in.

-I'm regretting talking to you. -No, Kelly,

we're 30,000 feet in the air and a woman is making it clap on the wing of this 747.

-I'm getting a call. -You ain't getting a call.

Yeah, I am. I have good service.

♪ Lookin' good, bad as she wanna be ♪

♪ Go ahead, walk it out In front of me ♪

[attendant call button beeping]

C'mon, please.

Sir, can I help you?

There's twerking... on the wing.

Look.

Sir, I don't have time for your games.

-What? -I can't.

-But she was real. -Jesus, not tonight.

She is real,

I saw her move dat thang.

She's as real as you and me, Kelly.

Kelly!

I need to get some air.

Keep it together, Rudy.

There isn't a woman making her ass clap on the wing of a plane,

it's not possible.

The g-force, Rudy, the g-force.

God.

Ah!

[screams]

Oh, God, she's twerking in here.

-Oh no, she's dipping it low, too low. -Get it!

No, I'm not getting it today.

Get it. Get it.

Oh, brotha,

there's twerking in the latrine.

-Man, please. -What the--

No.

[Rudy whimpers]

Quiet down.

[exclaiming]

She's twerking...

on the wing...

and the latrine...

and this safety magazine.

I'm not seeing things,

except for what that booty do!

It's chopped that wood.

It shook like a salt shaker,

nay, like a Polaroid picture.

She shook what her mama gave her,

and she gave her a lot.

She threw that ass in a circle,

round of applause.

Booty rockin' everywhere,

Booty, booty rockin' everywhere.

She had buns.

She had buns.

So the twerker was like our society at large,

and the man was like the middle class, and the plane was like big pharma.

No wait, the plane was like our democracy.

Yes, this episode had a message, in The Twilight...

Wait, what? We can't say that? Legally?

In The Twerking Zone.

♪ Lookin' good, bad as she wanna be ♪

♪ Go ahead, walk it out Right in front of me ♪

May I present, Lady Aaliyah?

How dare she come to this party.

She proliferated rumors about our dear hostess.

Ah, Lady Aaliyah, do sit.

You know Lady Jada?

-Good day. -Yes.

Lady Aaliyah.

Forgive me. I don't recall sending you an invitation.

Oh, my, it must have gotten lost,

-much like your chastity. -[chuckling]

Upon reflection,

last time you attended one of my dinner parties,

you did not respond well to the beef.

They're talking about "the beef."

Oh.

Dear lady, I have no issue with beef,

as long as it's properly served.

Get closer.

Like tense champagne, it's about to pop off.

Oh, it seems that we've attracted attention.

Dear guests, please refrain from spilling,

because all napkins in my home are stuffed in this lady's bosom.

[chortling]

[trumpet bleats]

Well... [chuckles]

I needed to use those napkins for my tears.

I'm so very sorry for the death of your poodle.

He's quite alive.

Oh, then what is your wig comprised of?

If you want to know where she went,

I say, she went there.

I don't believe I've congratulated you on your engagement.

How generous of your fiance

to accept his dowry in the form of a coupon.

Are we in a library? Because she just got read.

Lady Fiona, would you be so kind as to retrieve my handkerchief?

You do have ample experience on your knees.

[all exclaim]

Like a pig on a spit, madam, you have been burnt.

Oh, God.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

No!

Oh, no.

Cheek bones for days, I stan.

[snarling]

[woofing]

-Woof. -Hornswoggler.

Flapdoodle!

-You want some more, Charles Bitchens? -Enough!

This is not worth your lives.

Make amends, or settle your disputes in private.

But I do love disputes.

[slurps loudly]

[slurping continues]

-[gunshot] -[woman screams]

-And, what? Say something. -Say something. One of y'all say it.

Oh, no. Stay with me.

Hold me close, I'm shivering.

It's so cold,

in the shade.

[coughing]

Well, she dead.

[Shawtane] Astronomy Club stinks.

Buncha marks.

They don't respect Ice Cube Day or us.

Either they don't know,

don't show,

or don't care

about Ice Cube Day.

Let's bounce.

[all] Yay-yay.

[gasps]

You guys, you're all Ice Cubes.

I'm Ice Cube from Are We There Yet?

I'm Three Kings Ice Cube.

I'm Ice Cube from Anaconda.

I'm All About the Benjamins Ice Cube.

I'm dope boy Ice Cube.

I'm Ice Cube from XXX,

and Ride Along,

and Ghost From Mars,

and Torque,

and 21 Jump Street,

and Triple X: Return of Xander Cage.

-Wow, you guys really do believe. -So,

I heard somebody was celebrating my day.

[all exclaiming]

Yo, Ice Cube, yay-yay.

Shut yo' ass up.

Hey, Tane,

Thanks for letting me, you know, come through here

and y'all celebrating everything Ice Cube.

-Yeah, man. -Some real ass shit.

Pretty weird, even when Ice Cube is being super nice,

he still looks pretty angry.

I'm really shocked that Ice Cube didn't remember me.

I was Nia Long's body double in Are We Done Yet?

I'm a proud member of SAG.

Hey, um, it's an honor to meet you, man.

And, I was just wondering, you know, for the show and all,

if you could just give us a little "Yay-yay?"

Hell, no.

-Okay. -That's my shit.

-Yeah. -Y'all lucky I showed up to this bullshit.

-That is right. -True, you right.

I only came because Netflix said I could meet the cast of Stranger Things.

You know, Eleven is gangster.

Yay-yay.

Can I do a "yay-yay" one time? You know.

-You go there... -Just one good time?

One good time, man.

Yay-yay.

[Jerah] Was it not...

[chuckles nervously]

Stop it.

You need work, homie, you need work.

-We're gonna work on it. -Work on it.

Damn.

Today was a good day.

[laughs]

See, 'cause he had a song called...

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Now it's our time ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come, we here ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ With a brand-new style ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ Hit you with the first line, pow ♪

♪ Like ha, ha, hee, hee That's how you'll be ♪

♪ You won't resist When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ A whole 'nother level With a brand-new swag ♪

♪ Lemme show you How we gon' get that bag ♪

♪ You know we taking over Something's gotta give ♪

♪ Watch us run things Like we, like we, like we did ♪

♪ You know the vibe Clear the way, here we come ♪

♪ We be numero uno No comprende, number one ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ So you better get good ♪

♪ Let's get it Get everybody now ♪

-♪ It's going down ♪ -♪ It's about to be lit, and that's fact ♪

♪ When we hit you With the first line, pow ♪