Original subtitles

[keypad beeping]

Ah, shit, I can't remember the damn door code.

[man 1] Is security not there?

Uh, let's just wait. Somebody coming out will let us in.

'Scuse me, oh, miss?

Can you let us in please? We locked out.

-[man 2] We forgot the code. -[man 3] Hello?

Oh, here we go.

-[man 2] We're not gonna rob you. -We work here.

-Okay, wow, this is taking... -Yeah.

We're friendly, we went to college.

Thank you.

Old ass hoe. Man, I can't believe she did that.

That was insane.

-It's 2020, baby. -It is.

-Yeah, man. -I'm gonna report her to the building.

-Like, we can't be executives? -Exactly.

-[knocking] -Yeah, we executives.

Hey, could one of you let me in, I forgot my key card.

Uh...

God damn, that's a... that's a Dracula, man.

-Here we go. -Don't let that biting ass nigga in here.

Wow, really, brother? It's 2020, okay?

I work here. I've got a meeting on the third floor.

-What's the name of the company? -I've got blood in a plastic cup.

Okay, I'm not gonna bite you, I'm a day walker.

Damn, he right, I'm gonna let him in.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey, be careful, okay. -Let me in.

Open the door and let me in.

-[snarls] -[screams]

-[men exclaiming] -[vampire laughs]

I'm just fucking with you punk bitches.

[knocking]

Huh?

Hey, can you let me in?

-Well... -Oh, for real?

You really not gonna let me in?

It's 2020, my guy.

I'm here for improv rehearsal.

It's just, I'm allergic to garlic.

-If you don't open the door-- -Alright, yeah.

-Open the door. -Here you go.

[gunshot]

Ha! Run that cape, son, and that bloodaccino.

I'm taking the fangs, too.

Trying to get this money in 2020, baby.

-[gunshots] -Whoo!

-♪ Here we come now ♪ -♪ Now it's our time ♪

-♪ Here we come now ♪ -♪ Here we come, we here ♪

♪ Like ha, ha, hee, hee That's how you'll be ♪

♪ You won't resist When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ You know we taking over Something's gotta give ♪

♪ Watch us run things Like we did ♪

♪ You know the vibe Clear the way, here we come ♪

♪ We be numero uno No comprende, number one ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ With a brand new style ♪

♪ Hit you with the first line, pow ♪

[all exclaiming]

-Yeah! -Okay.

I don't know if you heard,

but Astronomy Club got a Netflix show, baby.

Why the name Astronomy Club? We're black and we're all stars.

And like most stars, nobody knows our names.

Yep.

-Oh, my gosh. -Wow.

Ooh!

This my room.

Hollywood, we here,

living in the same house with twin beds.

Man, this some bullshit.

[woman] The producers wanted to film us living together.

Like a reality show.

At first, I thought it was a bad idea. But now that we're here,

it's a really bad idea.

I have dibs on this one, this one's mine.

I am here for it.

I'm actually more excited for this than the sketches,

and I will win.

[producer] It's not a competition.

Yet.

Hey, there's only seven beds,

so somebody's gotta sleep on the couch.

-Not it. -I'll do it.

I'm the eighth member of the group.

They tend to ignore me. But if I'm easygoing and self-deprecating,

then I'm the one who's in charge.

My role in the group is the voice of reason.

Now, in comedy, we call that the straight man.

As a gay man, I find that problematic.

The rooms are the same, so we don't have to fight over who gets what.

Actually, hey, hey, actually this room has a moon lamp.

I want that lamp. I'm getting that lamp.

-All right, all right now. -I want the lamp.

As the leader of the group--

Man, shut up, you ain't no leader of the group.

Astronomy Club is a group of eight comedians with huge egos.

It makes my job as leader pretty tough.

[Jerah] Shut yo' ass up.

Now I know how Obama felt.

[overlapping arguments]

Oh, now it's a competition, motherfuckers.

[woman] It's not easy learning a new skill.

Here at Dignity and Ambition for Magical Negroes,

or D.A.M.N., we help magical Negroes

from classic films

go from supporting to lead.

Repeat after me,

"I am the lead character of my own story."

[all] I am the lead character of my own story.

"I am more than the advice

I give white people."

[all] I am more than the advice

I give white people.

"I will not just magically disappear,

once I feel my work is done."

I will not just...

[sighs] We talked about this.

Hello, my name is Oda Mae,

and it's been 30 days since I last helped a white person, or ghost, find themselves.

[clapping]

[Oda Mae] I mean, it's hard.

I can't walk past a pottery class

without telling some white woman, "You in danger, girl."

But as long as I carry around my "You ain't a coon" coin,

I remember.

Heads, I'm in charge. Tails, I'm also in charge.

I'm in charge.

Magical Negroes seek us out

because they desperately want to serve themselves,

not just a white narrative.

Alright Colburn, where we going today?

Wherever she wants to go.

No, Negro, you're driving yourself today.

No white woman?

Okay.

If I can't drive a white person,

we all gonna die today.

-[screams] -No, no...

This is why we can't use a real car.

Breaking old habits can be a challenge.

Take Bagger Vance, for instance.

He's been in and out of here 15 times.

One minute, he's making great progress, and the next,

I'm watching the PGA tournament and...

[gold commentator] McIlroy about to putt for birdie and...

Wait, there appears to be a trespasser on the green.

Bagger, honey, this is supposed to be a self-portrait.

[sobs]

I need help. I need help.

Sometimes, desperate times call for desperate measures.

John, this here is the white mile.

The goal is to get from point A to point B

without hugging the sickness out of a white person.

You think you can do that?

I'm so tired, boss,

of living for the white man.

-Let's do this. -Go.

[slowed down, distorted audio] Go! You can do it! Avoid whitey!

Avoid whitey!

[cheering]

Hey...

So, he's not gonna heal us?

This is not about you.

Not today.

Sometimes people ask me, "Why this? Why them, why now?"

I haven't told anyone this before,

but my... father was actually a Magical Negro.

He was always off helping some white man fulfill his destiny.

Maybe that's why I'm compelled to do this work.

I was his child,

but someone else was always "the one."

But regardless of my personal hang-ups,

I can tell we're making a real difference at D.A.M.N.

Usually I am the help,

but today, I have found

the broom that I can use for myself, right here,

in my heart.

Come on, come on, get in here.

[all] We love you.

'Scuse me?

Uh, sorry, excuse me.

I think I might be lost, can anybody help me?

-He what? -I can help you.

-[overlapping chatter] -No, no!

I mean, it's a process.

No, Negro!

He's just looking for a Starbucks!

I need help.

-Open it. Come on. -Okay, a gift.

-Chocolate. -Yeah.

We could use this for the roof.

You shouldn't have.

Mama, Papa, we have an announcement.

We're pregnant.

[both] Aww!

Our baby's having a baby.

[chuckles]

Rumble, snap, drip.

Don't worry about Gramps, he's got a case of the old PTSD.

Everyone, please, raise your glasses.

And baby makes three.

And baby makes--

-[crashing] -[screaming]

Guys, use your napkins.

[high-pitched feedback whines]

[distorted, slowed down screaming]

[screaming at normal speed]

Don't let go! No!

[snapping, splattering]

-[feedback drones] -[distorted screaming] No!

Caroline, I said use a napkin.

[screaming]

[mother, daughter laughing]

[mother] Yeah, keep going. Yeah, that's my little man.

[screams]

No...

And baby makes three.

Rumble, snap...

drip.

Sometimes it's fun to play with your food.

[Jonathan] As per usual, the group ignored my advice

and split into alliances.

That's why we're called Astronomy Club.

We're light years apart.

[Jerah] Nigga, shut up.

How do you keep getting in here?

Look, I don't care who gets the moon lamp, as long as one of us gets it, okay?

Yeah, but Caroline, do you really want the lamp? You're just so plain.

In a good way.

As little sister of the group, I'm really used to getting along with everyone,

but if you cross me, I will cut you.

Ray, Shawtane and I form a real black team.

We the only members of AC who grew up in the hood.

Well, so did James, but he kind of white.

I'm the only one on the team who eats mayo.

So, I get to keep the whole jar to myself.

I have an idea.

What if I rub my junk all over the moon lamp,

you know, to mark our territory?

-Don't do that. -I already did.

I was raised Huxtable black,

but I'm not afraid to get down and dirty when the situation calls for it.

Penis.

[man] I don't care about the lamp.

I just want to write my sexy clown jokes and listen to records,

but I was not about to get stuck with James.

[man] All right, stay with us, just hold on.

-Just hold on. We need a doctor. -Come on.

-What's happening? -We have a 27-year-old female,

labored breathing, overheating.

We can't say how long she's been in this state, but one thing's for sure,

she has completely sweated out her edges.

[doctor] My God.

Get this woman to an OR.

We need to lay these edges, stat.

Yes, doctor.

What happened?

She overextended herself at a Drake concert.

Get her in a heated shower cap.

We need to deep condition pre-op to stop the internal frizzing.

Damn, there must be something in the air.

Yeah, son, called humidity.

How did this happen?

-I used Eco Styler and bee's wax. -Miss, please conserve your energy.

I didn't think there was anything stronger than bee's wax.

Blow dryer. Blow dryer!

Okay, give her 10 cc's of Jamaican black castor oil.

-Bring in the Garnier Fructis. -But, Doctor,

she's a 4C natural. That's hair gel for white people.

A weak bond is our only hope of keeping her edges in tact.

If we go full hold, we could rip her edges clean off.

But what's that gonna give her? A couple of minutes, half hour tops.

Well, it's either that or a full edge transplant.

Pass me the defibrillator, I'm gonna shock these

God damn baby hairs back to life.

You're a mad woman.

I will not lose another hairline on my watch.

Do you hear me?

And if you don't like it, you can get the hell out of my OR.

It is the middle of August,

the moment she walks out of that door--

I said get the hell out of my OR!

-Ahh! -[pan clatters]

Fine!

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Doctor?

We have a problem.

A snatched wig, and not in a good way.

There's no way we can save these edges now.

I'm calling it.

Time of death, 4:15 p.m.

We'll need to contact the family.

Or, I could just like...

[grunts]

-Oh, my God, girl, nuh-uh. We have gel. -You cannot.

-Right here, we've got Garnier. -You know better than that.

What is the meaning of this?

-Identify yourself. -It is I,

Robin of Locksley.

I steal from the rich and I give to the poor.

I take your gold in the honor

-of the people of Nottingham. -Uh-huh.

All the people of Nottingham?

Uh...

What do you mean?

You got some nerve. You wanna come in here and rob the one rich, black house

-in Nottingham. -No, sir, I assure you, my message

is one of truth and of justice.

-Honey, who dis man? -You wanna know dis?

He Robin of Locksley.

He robbing the rich and give to the white.

No, no, no, no, no, that's not what is happening here,

you're twisting my words.

I give to the poor.

It is a good thing that I am doing.

Who are these poor people? 'Cause when we was poor,

and I was digging moats, 8:00 to 8:00 every day,

365 days a year,

I ain't seen no white man in green tights

jumping around giving me no gold.

-Where'd it go? -I mean, you can't get to everybody.

You mean you didn't have time to get to the south side of Sherwood.

Well, the south side is very dangerous after 9:00 p.m.

There are a lot of thieves and--

Well, I mean, I am a thief, but I'm not that kind of thief.

You mean, like a black thief?

Shit. Oh, listen,

Um, oh, my motives are pure here.

They're not racially motivated, it's strictly class.

I mean, I don't even see color.

-[groans] -It's okay, baby, it's okay, I got it.

Man, I just got this money.

Every time black people get a little bit of money,

you wanna come and take it.

What did I say? My brother.

Put your hand down.

I'm liberal.

-I'm one of you, my man, c'mon-- -Oh, he one of us.

So, you just out there robbing people with no consequences.

Let me try that shit. I'd have arrows all up in my ass.

I agree, the police are a problem. I've written about it.

-You should read my articles. -Stop.

Just shoot this fool so we can go back to bed.

-No, no, no, no, no. -Out.

-I... -Hey, Robin, what's taking so long, man?

Your horse acting crazy outside. Oh, shit.

Is that Marook and Trina? This your crib?

-What up, boy? -Oh, shit.

-Little John, you know this man? -Oh yeah, we grew up together, man.

Whoo! You know, you fucked up robbing this house, right?

-Yes. -I heard you had a nice spot

on the west side, but I didn't believe it. Damn.

You done come up, brother. Hey?

How come we don't see you no more?

Oh, well, we had to move out.

Did you, though? Did you?

You had to move out?

Why you leave the community, Roo?

Well, I mean. Look, you know...

After 9:00 p.m., it's not that safe.

And the schools here are better. So...

[Little John] Damn.

I guess it's true what they say: soon as a black man gets some moat money,

he turn his back on the hood.

See Marook, I told you,

streets is talking.

You twisting my words, Trina.

You used to dig moats in the hood.

Now what, you sold the company to the royals?

LJ, my brother, I-- I'm like you.

I promise you, my intentions are pure.

Alright, I'm down for the community.

They just can't really afford my rates anymore.

Marook, Marook, Marook, you really need to support your community.

Put your fist down.

I know you ain't saying some shit. Shut up!

This is a A and B conversation,

and B stands for black.

So see your cracker ass up outta this.

Your man come up here putting his fist up like he know me.

5-0, 5-0, 5-0.

There you are, Robin.

How dare you steal from my one black friend, Marook.

I gotcha.

Wait a minute, you calling the cops on niggas, Marook?

Well, I don't know if I would consider us all to be--

-Shut up, nigga. -You're coming with me.

Marook, I'll see you out on the green on Sunday.

-Stay woke! -Hey, man, I'm sorry about that.

Like, he be tripping sometimes, and like,

I'mma talk to him though. He ain't gonna be that way anymore.

You owe me shit from back in the day.

Trina, you look good, girl.

[laughs] Okay, baby.

Even split up, the group couldn't agree.

We'd rather suffer together than let one person win.

And that's why we're called Astronomy Club.

It is hereby decided that the lamp shall choose its owner.

Who is making these decisions?

-The lamp, Jonathan, she just said it. -[Monique] If your name is announced,

you may take one of these roses and stay.

If it is not, you must say goodbye to the lamp.

-Jerah. -Whoo! Ha-ha!

Keisha.

-[exclaims[ -Keisha.

Ray.

James III.

All right, Tane, here you go.

All right, cool.

I have two roses left.

Okay, this one's for me and this one's for Caroline.

Yes.

I told you.

Everybody we wanted got a rose.

We all deserve this.

Y'all know this doesn't make sense, right?

Makes sense to me.

-I'm cool. -I'm gonna kill that lamp.

[distorted, slowed down audio]

[all] Whew!

Almost losing the moon lamp, it really put things in perspective.

You have to value the precious things in life.

Friendship. The lamp.

We agreed to move it to the living room, where we can all enjoy it.

Goodnight, moon lamp.

See you in the morning, moon lamp.

The moon lamp is mine.

[chuckles]

[Jerah] Shut up.

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Now it's our time ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come, we here ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ With a brand-new style ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all ♪ -♪ Hit you with the first line, pow ♪

♪ Like ha, ha, hee, hee That's how you'll be ♪

♪ You won't resist When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ A whole 'nother level With a brand-new swag ♪

♪ Lemme show you How we gon' get that bag ♪

♪ You know we taking over Something's gotta give ♪

♪ Watch us run things Like we, like we, like we did ♪

♪ You know the vibe Clear the way, here we come ♪

♪ We be numero uno No comprende, number one ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

♪ Here we come, y'all Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ Here we come ♪

-♪ Here we come, y'all, here we come ♪ -♪ So you better get good ♪

♪ Let's get it Get everybody now ♪

-♪ It's going down ♪ -♪ It's about to be lit, and that's fact ♪

♪ When we hit you With the first line, pow ♪