Original subtitles

- Are you ready for this? - I've been waiting 15 years

for someone to reveal the intimate mysteries of sex to me

now, it's finally happening here in health class.

I know a lot of you have certain expectations about

the kind of information that will be covered in this class.

Well, let me assure you you're going to learn everything

you've always wanted to know about...

the biological and psychological processes involved in human reproduction.

- Schwing! - During sex...

There's no way I'm going to sit through this.

...millions of speam and a woman contributes a single egg.

Who contributes the body oil and the Catwoman costume?

Gary, I realize this material makes you nervous and disruptive

because you know so little about.

Maybe if you behaved yourself and paid attention

you might learn something useful.

Mrs. Burnbaum, with all due respect we know this class is a joke.

It's just a bunch of boring facts.

It's got nothing to do with the wild thing.

I don't want to know about sperm counts and fallopian tubes.

Teach me what it's like to make love to a woman.

Can you do that, Miss Burnbaum?

You know, Gary, sometimes an episode like this can be a warning sign.

Any problems at home? Class schedule too strenuous?

Ever hear any voices or see colored lights?

Principal Scampi, I was trying to get some real answers

- not the ones Miss Burnbaum was giving. - And I understand.

These are confusing times for a teenager especially when it

seems like there's no place to turn for a Frank discussion about... it.

What?

- It. - Sex?

Call it what you will.

If we can't talk about it, how can we teach it?

Know, perhaps there are some questions that you'd feel

more comfortable asking me mano y mano.

Don't be shy. Ask me anything.

Okay. I want to know what sex feels like.

Are you allowed to talk during it?

Do you always finish at the same time?

Does size really matter? What's the deal with green M&Ms?

- What's the shelf life of edible panties? - Go ahead. Anything at all.

You missed the part of class.

Mrs. B. Showed a film about hay we're getting the runaround.

Why can't sex ed teach the stuff no one talks about?

- What's the rush? - I need someone

who can give us the lowdown on the dirty deed.

I need Lisa.

- Nice timing. - Please, please be naked.

( Screaming )

Did I overhear you two medicated pads looking for sex advice?

No, thanks. We're fine.

- You've had sex, Chett? - Have I...?

Sex? ( Chuckles )

Had? Me? Are you crazy?

I have liberated france more times than you've popped a zit.

- I know everything. - Then share the knowledge.

Yeah. We want to know the truth about sex.

You can't handle the truth?

You don't know the meaning of the words

"Funky cold medina shoop-a-doop zoom-a-zoom-zoom in da boom-boom."

Do you? Do you, Mr. Wallace?

You boys are just going to have to figure it out for yourselves.

( Laughing )

Shoop-a-doop?

- ( Typing ) - What are you doing?

No one's going to tell me what we want to know.

It's time we got some real answers.

- What can I do for you boys? - Gary know there's a shocker.

I'm serious. I want to learn

everything there is to know about making love.

Okay. If you want a real sexual education

That's what I'll give you but you'll have to work for it.

I've never been afraid of hard work.

Good, because you have a lot to learn. See you at school.

( Bell Ringing )

- Lisa better come through on this. - She's probably got wilt

chamberlain coming in with home movies.

Good morning.

Today we'll be looking at the sexual cycle of brine shrimp.

We ask for sex, she gives us shrimp.

Good morning, class. My name is Miss...

Garywyette. I'll be subbing for Mrs. Burnbaum this week.

Any questions?

What did you do with Mrs. Burnbaum?

Any more questions?

- WYATT: Lisa, what are you doing? - Relax. He and Mrs. Burnbaum

are spending a romantic week together in saint tropez.

- You can't let everyone see your magic. - Good point.

The next week, nothing you see or hear in this class will seem out of the ordinary.

You guys want to know the truth about sex

and we have one week to learn it.

Today and tomorrow, you'll break up into loving couples.

Thursday, we'll cover all the erotic basics and friday will be lab day.

- Lab day? - Hands-on experience.

We'll practice everything you've learned.

- You mean, we'll...? - You'll have sex.

Mahatma!

Could you repeat that?

Did you say at the end of the week we're going to do it?

Uh-huh. Any more questions?

Here? We'll do it here?

Yes, but only if you demonstrate...

I'm sorry. I want to be clear.

We're talking about the big "It"-- sex, the deed.

- We're all going to do it this friday? - Yes, Gary.

Just checking. But not until you fulfill the class assignments

and demonstrate to me you understand the subject

in a mature and responsible way.

- We have a lot... - Yes, I'm going to have sex.

Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Oh, baby. Oh, baby.

- I like it like that. - Gary, please maintain.

Now this is sex ed--

Learning how to do it by actually doing it.

- Lisa is amazing! - Wait a minute.

I don't want to have sex with some lab partner in front of everyone.

Relax, you'll do fine.

Okay, the first part of any sexual experience beings with "Meeting your mate."

Finding a sexual partner. Now, how do we go about doing that?

- Wyatt? - Well, um...

I think you should find a partner who cares about you first.

Someone you respect and someone who shares your values.

Very good, Wyatt. What do we call this search to find that someone?

Pointless. I've been in scam mode for years and I've come up with Jack.

And why is that? Why is it so hard to find someone?

When it comes to dating, everybody plays mind games.

- Nobody says how they feel. - Especially when it comes to sex.

If we can't talk about it how are we supposed to do it?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Then let's begin by making sex easy to talk about.

From now on, anyone you talk to about sex

will say what's on their mind. No more mind games.

- No more inhibitions. - Ms. Garywyette...

I got to tell you, you're the hottest thing I have ever seen.

And, uh... I'd like to make love with you.

- Someplace far, far away. - How about Saint Tropez?

As I was saying, by class tomorrow

you'll be able to pair up without a problem.

- Think of it as a shortcut to romance. - ( Bell Rings )

Everyone, go out there and make it happen.

- Lisa, you're a genius. - I know.

Is there any way I can write a paper instead?

No.

Hey, isn't that girl in our class?

Yes, it is.

Time to see what she really thinks of the magnificence

That is Gary Wallace.

Hi. I'm Gary.

You want to be my sex partner?

No, thanks. I can't think of a bigger turn-off

than a pale, skinny geek with poofy blonde hair.

Unless it's a whiny, nervous dork like him.

The thought of having sex with either of you makes me want to spew.

Gary. Did our conference help you at all?

Yeah, you were a big help.

Well, it helped me too. I never even thought

about edible panties fothe missus until you mentioned it.

- Mr. Woodrow Rose to the occasion. - That's just wonderful.

- The groundhog saw his shadow. - Glad to hear it.

- Just keep walking. - We finally raised the flag at iwo ima.

I never want to hear the truth again.

I don't care if I never have sex.

You puke-licks still taking about sex?

BOTH: No.

- I had sex once. - Just once? You said...

Yeah, I exaggerate. That's because I'm insecure about it.

It was such a miserable experience for me I've been terrified of it ever since.

Yeah, sure. I talk like a lean, mean sex machine but it's all a lie.

I just wait someone to hold me and call me "Sweet Pea."

I really did not want to hear that.

- This class sucks. - Are we the only two without partners?

- Excuse me, Wyatt? - Yes?

- Oh, no! - I want to be your partner.

You do?

I broke up with my boyfriend and my standards have really dropped.

I'd like to use you to get back at him and then dump you

- like a bucket of chum. - Great.

( Bell Ringing )

Morning.

Before we start is there anyone who hasn't paired up yet?

- Uh, me. - GIRL: And me.

I still need a paper.

- Thank you. - Okay, then.

Let's start where Mrs. Burnbaum left off. Sexual anatomy.

There are different colors, and sizes, and these.

( Whistling )

What are you doing?

Sorry.

We were just testing the lab equipment.

If this bed were to fail mild- experiment someone could get hurt.

You haven't listened to a word I've said.

And we haven't even finished birth control or risks.

- I already know this stuff. - I've heard Dr. Ruth.

I've read the sex columns in seventeen.

I've seen the special episodes of saved by the bell.

- I just want to have sex. - Gary's right.

We just want to find out what sex feels like.

Are we a perfect couple or what?

Gary, you're still not ready to have sex. I'll prove it.

Everyone, get out a piece of paper. Pop quiz.

Nice going, hef. I'm not ready for this.

It's not my fault You're sexually challenged.

Question one. What is the best way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases.

"Abstinence. Or, if you must have sex the correct

and consistent use of condoms."

Piece of cake.

Next!

I aced it! I told you!

I don't get it.

I was sure he was going to fail.

Gary's always been such a poor student.

- Lisa, it's sex class. - But he got every single question

- right. How? - Maybe he cheated off me.

No, that can't be. You failed.

You're kidding.

How could that happen? What?

It's not like I tried to fail.

( Giggling )

Hey! Stop that.

I believe our perfect scores prove that Bonnie and I

are ready to move right to the lab portion.

Here. Don't forget your safely goggles.

You're rushing into this. Your brain's not doing the thinking here.

- You're not ready yet. - Yes, I am.

I've been ready for 15 years.

If you excuse me I have an experiment to conduct.

Knock it off. You can't have sex.

- You're still not ready. - I am ready.

I've been ready. I always will be ready.

What's the big deal? It's not like we're breaking the law.

- Actually you are breaking the law. - What?

You don't have a sex license. You know

like a driver's license, but for sex.

You have to have one if you're going to have sex.

- Yeah, right. - Sorry, son.

- It's the law. - Who's this loser?

Class, this Officer Friendly. He'll be administering the sex license test.

It will cover how well you apply what you've learned in class

to real-life situations.

Remember: sex is a privilege, not a right.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

No, it's not. See? I've got one.

This is bogus.

Wow. You to wear glasses to have sex?

- To have sex? - Only at night.

- I'm not buying this. - Let's go back to my place.

- I don't want to break the law. - She's making this up.

It looks real to me.

It's even got one of those hologram thingies.

I'm not having any sex until we're licensed.

You're kidding.

Fine. Bonnie and I will take your stupid sex license test.

We'll pass, and there will be nothing to keep

this love train from leaving the station.

So, Mr. Wallace, Miss Baxter shall we begin?

( Sniffing )

I had a great time tonight, Bonnie.

Mmm... me too.

How we doing?

You're both scoring well on the make-out portion of the test

but before we can move on to the bedroom simulation

you'll have to do one more thing.

We did everything right. What's left?

You still have to Paralled Park this car.

I know I've been a little uptight about this sex thing

but I've been thinking-- what's the big deal?

Sex is a natural, beautiful part of life. I should just relax and enjoy it.

Anyway I want you to know I'm ready.

Oh, Wyatt, that's so sweet. I'm dumping you.

- Deke and I are getting back together. - Huh?

He got his sex license on his first try.

I'm this close to getting my learner's permit

then we can have sex any time we want--

As long as it's during the day, and I'm accompanied by an adult.

I don't think so.

Read them and weep.

Bonnie got a 96 on the sex test. I got a 98-- perfect score.

- 100 is perfect. - Okay, so I backed over a pylon.

Point is we passed. We get our sex licenses.

All right. You win.

Go ahead, have sex all afternoon.

Skip school, I don't care.

I want you to know I respect you as a person.

I feel the same way about you.

We've exchanged positive emotional reinforcements.

Check. Give me your ear.

Yeah. Yeah.

General stimulation to one or more of my erogenous zones.

- Now what? - Take off your pants.

I am listening and responding to your desires.

What's next?

Final confirmation that we have mutually consented

to engage in a sexual act as an expression of our love.

- Well, I want to get it on. You? - Oh, yeah.

I can't believe this is actually happening.

Me too.

Did you forget anything? No. Nothing.

Nothing.

You sure you're ready?

I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

- Come on, let's get it on. - Oh, Gary, you were so close.

Huh?

Ooh, what the...?!

Hello, Gary. Nice shorts.

What the hell is this? What did you do with Bonnie?

She wasn't real. She was a sex simulator.

Simulator? Why?

I was so close, and then... she... cube!

- What's he doing here? - I've been watching.

Is that a rubik's cube? I love those.

I don't understand. Why are you torturing me?

- All I wanted for was to have sex. - No, Gary.

You wished for a sexual education.

I tried to give you one but you blew it big time.

What did I blow? I got a 98. I got my sex license.

Condom. You didn't use a condom.

So... I got a little excited. I guess I forgot.

Sex ed's a waste if you don't apply what you learn.

Duh.

Sex is more than just a bump and a grind.

- It will make sense in a few years. - A few years?

Come on, Wy. Let's leave these two love birds alone.

They have a lot to talk about.

I was so close. So close.

- Come on, you said you could do it. - I'm trying.

It's been a while. Wait. I got it!

Yes!

- Mrs. Burnbaum? - ( Screaming )

Captioned by Grantman Brown