All language subtitles for Taskmaster (NZ) - s01e09 - Astro Blasters

Ta-da!

Oh!

Pshew.

Nutsack!

Good evening. Welcome to the
9th and penultimate episode of Taskmaster.

Earlier this year, I set
five comedians a series of tasks

designed to test their wits, strength,

creativity, and most of all, to make
full grown adults look very silly.

Only one will be crowned
Taskmaster champion,

and they will receive this
most splendid golden head.

They can cherish it, worship it, and when
times get tough, sell it on Trade Me.

Let's meet our comedians.
They are, as they have always been,

Angella Dravid

Brynley Stent

Guy Williams

Leigh Hart

and Madeleine Sami.

I did an Angella.

And to my left, my assistant.
He's the service dog of the show -

loyal, obedient to a fault,
and you aren't allowed

to pat him while he's working.
It's Paul Williams.

What are you doing? What-?
What's-? What's this about?

Has anyone ever tried to tell
you that Rome wasn't built in a day?

Yeah, it's a common saying, yeah.

Yeah, well, I get told it all the time

to the point where it's starting
to get a little bit suspicious.

I now have a theory that
Rome was built in a day.

Why else would people be
denying it when we weren't

even discussing the
construction time of Rome?

And that explains why the
buildings are all crumbly.

So, all I'm saying is, ask questions,
do your own research.

It's that time of day, so why
not introduce our first task, Paul?

Our first task,
as always, is a prize task.

Each comedian was asked to bring
along something they own

and risk it all by donating it
to our prize haul.

This week - a thing
that hasn't aged well.

Ooh.

The person with the most
points at the end of the show

will get to take home
all five things that haven't aged well,

whether they like it or not.

Ok, we'll start with someone who has
aged well, and that is Guy Williams.

Well, my thing that hasn't aged well

is my Bill Cosby CD collection.

No further comment necessary.

I mean, have you listened to them
recently? Do they still hold up?

No, it's no good. There's just a
few... I don't want to talk about it.

You brought them in.

Anything he says about Bill
Cosby won't age well, as well.

Yeah, well, this is the thing.
I mean, you've decided now

in 2020 to get
rid of these Bill Cosby CDs.

You didn't think about it last year?
Or before that? Now is the time?

I didn't have them on my shelf. They
were in the garage, like, stored far away.

- Sure they were
- Very suspicious.

- Mads, what did you bring in today?
- Blue cheese.

Oh, hold on for a second. I mean by its
very nature, it's aged well. Look at it.

It's disgusting. It's mould in
cheese. It doesn't make any sense to me.

I was just thinking it's weird
that we're ok with blue veins in cheese,

but when you see it
on people's legs...

When you see it on people's
legs, when you see mould on a ceiling.

It's the kind of thing the government's
clamping down on. And yet we eat this.

We put this in our body, and then we
complain about it everywhere else.

- Oh, a clap. Thank you.
- Wow.

- They gave you a clap for that.
- Got some lactose-free fans out there.

- Leigh, what did you bring in today?
- Yeah,

my uncle Hank
a few years back...

- Is this the same uncle from last episode?
- Yeah.

He almost made us multimillionaires
in the family.

What he came up with
was cassette shoes, so...

So what you see here that-
I mean that- the concept

there, of course, you know, you
can have your own music.

So you can actually tape
from one shoe to the other.

So you could- you know, you could make a
mix tape on one shoe from your other tapes.

- Those aren't Bill Cosby tapes, are they?
- No, no, they're not.

Whatever tapes they are, they're stuck in
there now, because they won't come out.

But there you go. Whoever wins those will
be taking home one hell of a prize.

Angella, what did
you bring in for us?

I brought a floppy disc with a
picture of an outdated hairstyle.

Would you say that I haven't
aged well or that I just didn't youth well?

I was gonna put a current photo,
but I thought that was harsh.

Brynley.

I brought in my dinner from
two and a half weeks ago.

And it's a bowl made out of Bill
Cosby's Fatherhood book.

- Please tell me that's cheese on the top.
- No, no, that's mould, yeah.

Or is it cheese?
You know what I'm saying?

I think it's frosted tips.

So, what's happened to the rest
of the Bill Cosby Fatherhood book?

In the bin, baby.

See, that's good. Although, again, too
late for putting that book in the bin.

No, I- Yeah, I- yeah.
I bought it for the making of...

- Oh.
- Yeah. I felt bad buying it.

And then, yeah, it came in
the mail, and I was like,

'Ooh, it's a package.
What is this? I forgot

what I-' And I open
it in front of everyone,

and they were like, 'Ooh.'

Did the person selling it on
Trade Me say anything when you bid?

Were they like, 'Hey, um, you might
wanna do some googling real quick.'

Time to score.

Mads, one point for you, because blue
cheese is delicious.

Angella, I'm sick of
what you're doing to me.

This is the second week in a row
where you have harassed me,

and time's up on that,
so you're two points.

Wow.

Guy, there's actually
some quite good material

in those CDs, if you
wade through all the-

No!

impropriety, I think you will
find something quite good in there.

Brynley, four points for you,
because you went one better than Guy

with the curry wrapped
around the book.

- And, Leigh, I think
- Yep.

five points today,
cuz those shoes are inspired.

Fantastic.

So that puts Leigh in
first place currently,

which will give him a bit of a
head start for our first proper task.

Warning - this one might
make you a little "board".

That's board spelt B-O-A-R-D, not-
it's not gonna- it's very entertaining...

There's a board in
it, is what I'm saying. Ok,

I'll play the task.
Here it is. Have a look.

Hello, Guy.

- Sup, bro?
- Hello, Madeleine.

How are you, mate?
Good to see ya, brother.

'Completely colour
this whiteboard.

'Fastest wins.
Your time starts now!'

Uh...

Completely colour it.

Ahh, so good to see
that pre-COVID bro shake.

Yeah, I know. It feels good,
man. Human contact, brother.

- Yeah.
- You know what I'm saying?

I don't think I need to
explain this one too much.

Colour in a whiteboard - very simple.
Would you like to see some people try it?

I would love to see nothing more

than people colour in a
whiteboard, please, Paul.

Here's the two best at basketball, which
means nothing when it comes to this task.

- It's Guy Williams and Madeleine Sami.
- It's true.

Maybe I should do this
with two pens.

Oops.

Ok, that was a bad idea.

Is there, like,
a thicker part of this pen?

I mean, kind of.

Problem with the whiteboard
is that you just wipe it off.

- All right. Well, I think that's done.
- Ok.

It didn't say you
had to colour it well.

Ta-da!

Done.

You stopped the clock?
How was my time?

- I can't say.
- Fuckin' fast, though, eh?

Pshew.

Pshew.

Please stop shooting
people with hand guns.

- Please stop.
- It's quite fun.

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling like I'm gonna have nightmares
about this for the rest of my life.

Pshew.

I can still see white
of the whiteboard, but

I feel like I had to stop
for my own mental health.

Pshew.

Pshew.

It's coloured. You know
what I'm saying? Fuck it.

It's coloured.
Quote, unquote. Mads Sami.

Mads out.

How do you think you did?

I think my, uh, actions speak
louder than words. Pshew.

So, Mads, you had to stop that
task for your own mental health. Discuss.

I hated that one, because whiteboard pens
are just, like, the bane of anyone's life.

She was colouring for
10 minutes and 55 seconds.

- Felt a lot longer...
- Yeah.

when I was there.

It did. It felt a lot longer
for me. It's awful. Awful.

Do we accept Guy's effort as coloured?

Well, the task did say
'completely colour the whiteboard'.

And I did. I coloured
the whole whiteboard -

coloured it blue and red and did a
great job and deserve five points.

Have we got a still of
Guy's effort on the whiteboard?

- Cuz, I mean, I wouldn't say completely.
- We do.

It's completely covered!

- That's a stretch.
- I think that's pretty good.

It's about 40%.

No, exactly. There's more
white than there is colour in that.

I'm glad I didn't put much more effort in
than that. That's what it deserved.

And proud of myself.
Kia kaha, five points.

- Stay strong?
- Yeah. Stay strong.

So, Guy only spent 49 seconds
colouring the whiteboard,

and he spent 52
seconds doing finger guns.

And my mental health
is better for it.

Mental health awareness.

- Kia kaha.
- Kia kaha.

Get yourself checked.

Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy.

There's plenty more
Taskmaster to go.

Stay tuned to find out who wins
TV's biggest Bill Cosby-based

prize pack in decades.
We'll see you in a bit.

Welcome to the second-to-last
episode of Taskmaster,

where five beautiful
minds are competing to win

a floppy disc with a
jpeg image of me on it.

When we left, our group of comedians
were making a whiteboard less white.

That is correct. The task is to completely
colour a whiteboard as fast as you can.

Guy did it a whole 10 minutes
faster than Madeline.

The only problem was, he
didn't actually do it.

- Who else gave it a go, Paul?
- Everyone else.

So here they are, it's everyone else.

Remember, Rolf Harris used to do this kind
of stuff. I'm not like him, obviously.

'Completely colour this whiteboard.'
Ok, I'm gonna go get some stuff.

Ok, I'm going to
go get some paint.

Oh, great.

Pretty cool, huh? All right.
Hold on.

I found some crafty supplies.

Are you still here? Ok.

Is that there for you? Is that
completely covered? Not quite, is it?

Any gaps?

Time!

Ok.

Stop the clock?

I think within the margin of error,
Paul, that's completely coloured.

- Are you happy with that?
- Yeah! Really happy!

I think colouring this in with
these would take ages.

- How do you think that went?
- I missed a bit.

It's very nice. It's very arty, isn't it?
What's the word for it? Um...

Mod- Mon- Modern.

- It's a good word.
- 'It's a good word.'

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Angella.

- How do you think you went?
- I think it went pretty well.

I'll leave that with you,
and, um, I'll catch you later.

Sorry.

Couple of points of concern there, firstly,

you, Leigh, referring to yourself
as Rolf Harris?

Well, it's kind of the theme of the show
at the moment.

Brynley, so arty and -
what was the word - modern...

was the word
you were looking for.

Yeah, I was looking for- I still don't know
what it is. It's like that...

You know, those block...
impressionism, is it?

- Half-ass-inism.
- Block-inism. Racism.

Yours was a very beige pellet,
Leigh, you'd say.

Yeah. Look, I'm just going straight back to
the brief - cover the whiteboard.

It was coloured. Yeah. I
think it was definitely coloured.

Oh, was it
coloured not covered?

- Yeah.
- It was coloured.

Yeah. Sorry,
coloured. Coloured.

But it- yeah.

I mean, there was
colours for sure

- very subtle, soft colours.
- Covered in colour, yeah.

It wasn't too quick.
Five minutes and 39 seconds.

Great humility from
you, you gotta say, Angella,

wondering whether
you'd covered everything,

as opposed to, say Guy,
who was doing a victory

lap, and then, you know,
shooting the air pistols.

It was who can do it the fastest,
and that was the fastest.

- And the worst.
- Yeah.

Yeah, and the worst.

So, what were the times
in the end?

So, Brynley - 2:30. Very quick.

Yep, yep, pretty good.
Pretty good.

- Angella - 2:14.
- Oh, nice.

- So very tight.
- Oh.

But Angella has pipped her.

So the question is -
does Guy get any points?

- No.
- I've learnt to accept,

after a few episodes of this
show, it's absolute bullshit,

as exemplified by that.

Ok, so we'll say that Angella got
five points, then. Is that right?

Five points for
Angella, four for Brynley,

three for Leigh, two for
Madeleine, zero for Guy.

- Yep.
- So close.

So shit. So shit.

Ok, I think the completion of that
task calls for a scoreboard update.

It's a two-way tie at the moment.
Both on eight points - Brynley and Leigh.

Oh!

Nice, nice.

I've got another task for you if you want
it, Jeremy. It's another team task.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- This is cool!
- Cut the shit.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Oh, you should...
- No, you do it. You do it.

'Create the most amusing
amusement park ride.'

'Paul must be able
to ride the ride.'

'Most amusing amusement
park ride wins.'

'You have 40 minutes.
Your time starts now.'

In no part of this does
it say it needs to be safe.

I'd prefer it if it was.

Yeah, I know you would,
but you're not the Taskmaster.

Do you want us to plan it now,
Paul, or just...?

- Plan it, yeah. Yes, please.
- Yeah. Let's plan it.

I'm just have a bit of fun
with this first. Hold on.

Madeleine, you always just
start in the weirdest way.

I just wanna play a little bit longer.

Yeah, no, I understand
that, but, like, we've

gotta try and win the
competition, don't we?

Yeah, but don't we
wanna see this go round?

No, not really.

Sorry. Um, yeah, yeah, sure.
Let's do it.

It was cool.
It was so cool, that thing.

I am a huge fan of amusement parks
and theme parks. How about you, Paul?

Huge fan as well.

Yeah, I'll go on any
ride, even ones built by

amateur ride builders
in a race against time.

All great rides have a back story
as thrilling as the ride itself.

So here they are
preparing their rides.

What if we were just to,
like, wrap him up in some tyres

and roll him down the hill
and into the water?

We call it Astro Blasters,
and you put on your spacesuit...

- Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- just like this.

I need one more tyre, I think,
to go round my head.

34 minutes.

- Where's he gone?
- I don't know.

Pull the tyre up. There we go.

Madeleine, where's my head one?

- I'm coming.
- Hurry up!

I'm worried that these
are both too small for ya.

My head's not that big, mate.

Oh, it's a little one.

Oh, your head is that big, mate.

And now just give me a little push down
the hill and just see if- test the concept.

- Are you having fun, Guy?
- It's actually not too bad.

- Does it hurt?
- It kinda hurts a lot.

Do you know where Leigh went?

- I think to the shed.
- Ok.

I need to do wees as well.

Jump in there, Bryn. Here we go.

- Whee!
- This is quite thrilling, eh?

Whoa!

Take me to hyperdrive!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- I've never done this before.
- Neither.

I just googled the powder, and it
says its corrosive and could cause burns.

All part of the
experience, Paul.

You've gotta have
a thick skin to do this.

Ooh! Check out this slope!

Hey, give this a test run.

Oh my gosh.

It's working!

So, what exactly is this plan?

We're gonna make some
kind of Waterworld experience.

Slip 'n' slide.

Kind of a slip 'n'
slide with a bit of a

a bit of a difference, which I don't
wanna give away yet.

- Ok.
- Cuz I haven't thought of it.

I've got to be honest with you -

I'm actually quite
disappointed that you guys

somehow pivoted
somewhere in your planning,

and Guy's idea of Astro Blasters, a ride
where you squeeze Paul into three tyres,

and then roll him into a lake
never will ever come to fruition.

Yeah, it was a great idea,
and the execution was great,

but in testing, we found out that
it ended in guaranteed drowning.

And that was the
one flaw in the concept.

It sounded like nobody really cared for
poor old Paul's health and safety at all.

I mean, there was the slip 'n' slide stuff,
which was gonna burn his skin.

I think there's always
an element to a good ride

that you should fear for
your life a little bit.

Which shall we watch first, Paul -

you getting rolled down a hill or
you getting corrosive soap on your skin?

Let's go with
Leigh and Angella's ride.

Yeah, Paul, what you
see before you is something

we like to call the
Water Slide of Death.

Ok, so I want you to take that,
if you can. That's your handpiece.

You'll be getting in this little,
uh, pool.

Lean back in it, and just
feel the power of the ute.

Wow!

Stop! Stop!

- You all right?
- Yeah.

You just about had it then,
just about had that bend.

Yeah.

- You wanna do it again?
- Want another crack?

No.

All right. We'll get you back.

That looks fun! Yeah, very fun.

It's actually a
disappointing lack of injury

considering how much carnage
there could've been there.

Yeah, and I will say
it felt a lot faster than

- it looked. Like-
- You're pulling a few G's there.

- Yeah.
- 4G's, I think I worked it out.

- Thank God it wasn't 5G's
- Yeah.

- But it was fun.
- It was good, yeah.

You needed to be
strapped into the actual pool.

Yeah, I think so.

He was lucky he wasn't maimed!

Yeah. I slightly cut my
hand on the rusty hammer

that they gave me to hold on to.

- That was a rusty hammer?
- Yeah, quite a rusty hammer.

That was inside the tubing
just to give it some rigidity, but...

Yeah.

Angella, you should
be ashamed of yourself.

There was foam outside that hammer,
and I think that did something.

Look, we're not saying
it couldn't be improved on.

Ok. We'll see another
amusing amusement park ride

after some
advertising advertisements.

We'll see you very soon.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

We're having a very amusing
time building amusement park rides.

What's happening, Paul?

Leigh and Angella towed me about 30m in
an empty paddling pool attached to a ute.

And that's all so far.

Well, if that's Rainbow's End,

then do the other team have
Disneyland that's a question.

Let's take a look. Here's Guy,
Brynley and Madeleine featuring a

ride they named 'Wheelchair
Through the Forest'.

Before Guy went
completely off script.

Welcome. Today you will not only learn

some of the most thrilling
thrills the world has to offer

but also experience a lesson
in ecology, and the environment.

My name is Mother Earth.

This is really his task,
and we are just here for the ride.

We take a lovely wheelchair
through the forest.

We look to the left. What do we see?
Nature in all its beauty.

A pot plant. Beautiful.

There's quite a bit
of build up here.

Uh-oh. Rocky waters ahead.

It's a duck. So beautiful.

But if you look closer,
it's a plastic duck.

That's right. Ducks are made of plastic now
in the environmental wasteland future.

We didn't talk this through.

- No.
- We did not give approval for this.

What a lovely day for a ride.
Oh no! What's that?

Oh! Do not go that way.
Did you use single-use plastics?

Maybe you deserve this.

What are they saying?
They're saying 'don't go that way.'

Don't. I repeat -
do not go through the boxes.

I'm a ghost!

Oh my God! Whoo!

That went way better
than I thought.

No, don't get up yet,
don't get up yet.

Yep. You're safe. C'mon.
Please get yourself out of the ride.

Thank you so much for coming along.

Absolutely brilliant environmental
message in that ride.

Mads, would you care to explain what
the ping-pong balls were at the end?

Um, listen, I don't think we'd anticipated
the shove that Guy was gonna give Paul,

as could be illustrated by Brynley's quick
ghost cameo, which was not supposed to be -

'I'm a ghost!' is all she got out.

But, actually, there was a
whole bit that she was gonna do,

and the ping-pong balls were
meant to come before he hit the-

- They were gonna rain down on him.
- Yeah.

How many seconds did
Brynley play a ghost for?

I don't have that stat,
but I would say sub one.

I liked the story part of it,
cuz, you know,

all great Disney rides
have got the story,

and then at the end,
they've got the big thrill.

Yeah.

I like that. But to be fair, when Paul was
careering down that hill in the wheelchair,

I was worried for his life there.

Again, that's exactly the sweet
spot, isn't it, for a good ride.

Yeah, it's a fine line,
isn't it, without insurance.

So if I'm going to
score that one, Guy, Mads,

and Brynley, I'll give
you guys three points.

- Nice.
- And I really liked Leigh and Angella's.

That to me is classic 1970s
holiday fun right there -

just take someone,
drag them behind a car.

So five points for you guys.
Well done.

I don't suppose there's another
task ready to go, is there, Paul?

There sure is, Jeremy Wells, and this one
is hot and fresh out of the kitchen,

and then back into the kitchen,
because this one takes place in a kitchen.

- Hello, guv'nor.
- Hello, Guy.

Top of the morning to ya.

- Hey.
- Hello, Angella.

- How are you?
- Good, thank you.

Cool.

Hello, Leigh.

Hey, Paul. You well?

Meat grinder. Sausages?

There's a hot plate.

- Is it on?
- No.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Yah!

Good gag.

Ooh.

'Make a sausage.'

'You must use seven ingredients, one
beginning with each letter of the word sausage.'

'You have five minutes
to choose your seven ingredients,

'then 45 minutes to prepare
and cook your sausage.' Easy.

'Most surprisingly pleasant
sausage wins.'

'Your five minutes starts now.'

I'm glad they spelt
'sausage' here,

cuz otherwise the first challenge would be
just me spelling the word 'sausage'.

'S'. Selenium.

No. Salt.

Salt is the first thing
that comes to mind.

I mean, we could go sweet, and
in that case, we've got sherbet.

Um, sage, apple.

Like a nice apple pie filling.

Anchovies.

'U'. Far out. That's a hard one.
Come back to that one. 'S'.

Oh, Snickers.

Sausage meat.
I reckon sausage meat counts.

Another 'A'. Anzac biscuits.

The other 'A' can be Angus.

Angus beef.

Oregano? That's 'O'.
Sorry. Edit that bit out.

'G', 'G', 'G'. Uh...

Gurnard fish. Be quite good
this time of year, I think.

'E'. Eggs.

Oh, eclair!

- What are endives? 'Ondives'?
- No idea. 50 seconds.

Yeah, I'll go with those,
whatever that is.

'U'. Oh, that's hard. Udon?

'U'.

Useless.

Um... uncut chives.

What about Ugandan sea salt or
something like that? That's quite good.

- Ugandan salt. I'll put that down.
- Might be hard to find.

Look, mate, you just buy normal salt and
just say it's from Uganda, you dumb fuck.

- Up- UP&GO!
- Ok.

God!

- 'U'.
- Five seconds.

- Yeah. Ok. There you go.
- What'd you put?

- Um, utility. A utility ingredient.
- A utility ingredient?

Yeah, it's like, you know- it's on the
sideline, and I bring it in if I need it.

But what do you want
the utility ingredient to be?

Yes, um, chicken stock.

Thank you, Leigh.

Thank you very much.
Look forward to this.

Likewise.

Now, let's remember
our contestants are aiming

for the most surprisingly
pleasant sausage.

Who are we gonna see first, then?

We'll start with two of the
most conventional sausages

from two very silly sausages.

It's Angella and Guy. A little reminder -
here are their ingredients.

Angella - uncut chives...

salt, Angus beef,
garlic and eggs.

And Guy's - Ugandan salt...

and Egyptian pepper.

- Are you willing to accept that?
- I'll accept that. I'm gonna accept that.

Very well. Here are the sausages.

Have you ever made
sausages before?

- No.
- Neither.

We'll start with the apple;
see how that goes.

Now, everyone knows the first ingredient
you need in a sausage is some apple.

Beautiful apple flavouring.

- Great.
- Is that butter?

Yeah.

- Is that one of the ingredients?
- No.

I'm just worried it might
then become b'sausage.

Oh, ok. Cool.

So far, pretty much all I've made is kind
of like a tiny bit of apple grape juice.

Tasted bloody good, though.

It's already minced,
so maybe I didn't need to do this.

Time now for a bit of the
sea salt. Egyptian pepper.

And the Ugandan salt.

What's the reasoning between
two different types of salt?

I'll tell you why -
because the game required me to

spell out the word
'sausage', and I cheated.

All right. Here we go.

- What is this gross thing?
- Those are the sausage casings.

Whoa!

Jesus Christ.
Man, this feels like foreskin.

Wow. Well, I've done something
there; put some air in it.

Do you reckon you can help me?

- Just turning this?
- Yeah, really slowly.

Oh!

We got ourselves
a little sausie snack.

Great. Thank you. This is a
Cheerio as well right at the end.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Whoa! Gross.

I think those
are pretty much done.

Bon appetit.

The texture is shocking.
Takes a long time to chew.

Yeah.

With that said, you get a lot of bang for
your buck if chewing is what you enjoy.

Yeah.

A little bit chewy, but taste-wise, it's
quite good. It's mainly the Angus beef.

- It's edible.
- Yes!

If I got that at a sausage sizzle,
I wouldn't complain.

Well, I would, cuz there's
no bread. Do you want bread? There's bread.

I'm ok, thank you.

How excited were you just
to get the sausages in the pan?

Oh, well, I had no faith
in myself, and I massively overachieved.

Fun fact, though - I've eaten zero sausages
since the filming of this task.

Yeah.

Very much like a foreskin.

I thought you were adding that on to
what Paul just said about...

what he's eaten since the task.

Very fun fact

We'll be back with more
alphabet-based sausages,

including the first sausage with an
Anzac biscuit in it since at least 1915.

Don't go anywhere.

Welcome back to
the penultimate Taskmaster.

We're past halfway in this episode
as five comedians battle it out

to win a very old dal served
on Bill Cosby's face.

Right now, it's sausage time.

So far, we've seen conventional yet
disgusting sausages from Guy and Angella.

We're about to
see the other three.

But first, here's a quick reminder
of what went into their sausages.

Brynley - udon noodles. See, that's good
with use of the 'U'; not easy.

Just grains in general.

Madeleine - an UP&GO.

Anchovies, which goes
beautifully with UP&GO

In Leigh's - salt, avocado,

utility...

which, in this situation, is chicken stock,
Anzac biscuit, gurnard, and eggs.

Yeah, look, I'm probably
the most experienced,

me, you know - the sausage background
and all, but...

I mean, looking at that, you've got
some stock-standard ingredients.

Avocado to make it smooth.
Steak - give the meatiness.

Anzac biscuit and the eggs binds it, you see.
You need a binding agent.

Fantastic. Should we have
a look at these bangers?

We shall indeed.
Here are three more sausages.

Curious as to why you chose a,
I'm presuming, strawberry flavour here?

- Yeah.
- Wouldn't have been my first choice.

It's gotta go in.

You never wanna put
the gurnard in too early,

that's that kind of fish.
But I'll put one fillet in now.

Look at that.

Chuck some of the Anzacs in.
Start to get a bit of crunch going through.

This is a very, um, multicultural
sausage, I've realised.

Japanese - udon.

You've got your very
American apple pie.

British eclairs.

Very multicultural.

From the sideline, a bit of
chicken stock. I'll mince that through.

It might've been easier just to pour
it in, to be honest. That was...

I'm really not a big
fan of goat's cheese.

I'm not a big fan of any of
the things I've put in this.

I'd like it to be a bit
thicker than that. Um...

Can I add a bit of flour to it?

All the information
you need is in the task.

Oh, yep. Sure, I can.
Ok. All right.

Here we go.

Yuck!

I wanna get all of this in there.

Ooh! My God!

That is truly obscene.

Do you wanna have a quick
smell just before I, um...

Ok, let's fire up the pan.

Oh my God. It's spewing stuff.
What the hell?

Oh no. It's burst, guys.
It's burst. It's burst.

No!

They're done. I might plate up.
That's a cooking term we use.

'Bone appetite, p'sir.'
P- Monsieur.

We've gone for a sort of
deconstructed look on that sausage there.

It's more of a fritter.

- It's not bad.
- It's not bad, is it?

It's not overly fishy,
which I'm happy about.

Very strawberry.
And I genuinely really like it.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

- It's good.
- Is it?

Yeah.

Definitely apple pie kind of
flavoured, I think. Genuinely really good.

Yass!

- Undertones of Anzac.
- Mm.

- It's a good way to honour the troops.
- Yeah.

Like, if this came to me in a restaurant,

I would happily eat it and
pay money for it.

Great!

Who would've thought?

Don't you try and take any
credit for the strawberry UP&GO.

- That was all my idea.
- I chose the flavour.

I still think chocolate would've
been better. You're eating more?

Do you think when Sanitarium
came up with the UP&GO,

they ever considered that one day
it would end up in a sausage?

I feel like they might consider it
now as a little breakfast smoothie,

a little breakfast, chocolate
sausage, sanger and milk.

Brynley, you had a
very multicultural sausage.

Yes.

Tasty sausage?

Well, it was the most tasty.
Yeah, it was- it was really nice.

- The question is, was it a sausage?
- Well, this is the thing.

Yeah.

- It looked like a fritter.
- Yeah. Yeah.

It was created like a sausage, though, and
it did burst in the heat of the pan.

- Leigh, the flour.
- Yeah.

Did you have flour as
one of your ingredients?

Technically I didn't, but, um...

that would probably come under one
of my utility ingredients, I'd say.

Time to score this one. And, look, whilst
your one tasted delicious on all accounts,

according to Paul, Brynley, I've just gotta
give you one point, unfortunately, here,

because it was a fritter, and, you
know, we're looking for a sausage.

Angella, Guy and Leigh,

- I think three points
- Ooh, yeah.

because apparently they tasted the same.
Well, not the same, but a similar level.

Yeah, similar level
of pleasantness.

Ok, three points for each of
you guys. I think that's fair.

And, Madeleine, five points, cuz
your one tasted good, so good on ya.

Do you have another task
for me today, Paul?

I actually do, and this one
is one of a kind.

- Hello.
- Hello, Guy.

Good to be here.

'Pass NCEA Level 1
Mathematics. Highest exam mark wins.'

'You may not leave the room. You have
one hour.' Oh God. 'Your time starts now.'

All right. Let's do it.

I'm not looking forward
to this at all.

I'm gonna look like
a dumbass on TV.

It's just him.

Now, I couldn't help but notice
that I only saw Guy open that one.

Yeah.

Was I the only one who did this?

What the fuck?!

This was the worst thing I've
ever done in my life!

In my career, I've done so many bad things,
and this is the most humiliating thing.

And if I'm the only one that had to do it,
I reckon we don't show the footage.

I'm gonna show the footage.

Here's Guy, attempting
Level 1 NCEA maths.

What's the value of 2x4 - 3x + 5
when x equals -2?

- Man, that's hard!
- 57 minutes left.

Oh my goodness.

This is just, like,
public humiliation, eh.

Then again, that's pretty
much my entire career.

So 2, plus 7...

equals 9.
Ok. It took too long to do that.

But now that I've got that,
I'm unstoppable.

Oh!

Far out! I think you need
a calculator, do you not?

- You've got that abacus.
- Oh yeah. Great.

Oh!

Why is it so mean to me?

Whoa.

That was bad. You turn the page,
and it's just an extra page for more space.

And my answer took up one line.

Far out. Ok, question two. I'm on to
question two. Now I'm flying.

Nothing can stop me.

Thinking about the other contestants -
how many other contestants nail this one?

- A few of them, yeah.
- Do you reckon?

Yeah.

You sure?

Well, I haven't looked at all
the answers, but they seemed...

- like they knew what they were doing.
- Yeah.

Honestly, can't remember
one detail of any of this,

but I think I've given
it my best effort.

And I failed.

Kids, do better and try hard in school so
you don't end up being a fuckwit like me.

Thank you very much.

So, um, how did he go?

Zero questions right.

Yeah, he spent quite a long
time on the first few pages,

and then eventually just started
writing seven for all the answers.

Was it cuz I was on the first day
and everyone was supposed to do it,

and then you saw me fail,
and you were like, cut it?

Or did you just do it just for me.

We did it just for you.

- Give him a point. Give the man a point.
- Yes!

Give the man a point.

I deserve that.

We'll be back with a task
everyone is invited to.

The final task of the penultimate
episode is happening right here

on this stage after these ads.

Welcome back
to episode nine of Taskmaster,

also known as the Guy Williams
Mathematics Funtime Variety Hour.

Who will walk away with Leigh Hart's famous
cassette shoes - that's the question.

Well, let's see how
the scoreboard's looking, Paul.

There's only one point in it,
Jeremy.

Currently in the lead with
16 points, Leigh Hart.

Nice.

I can't think of a better way to
cap this episode off

than a return
to the live task stage.

Let's head on over.

Ok, Paul, who are you making
do your admin for you today?

Angella, will you please
read this task out loud?

Ok.

'Do the most press-ups and/or find
the most words in this word find.'

'Each found word is equal
in value to two press-ups.'

'You'll be scored on your combined total
of words found and press-ups completed.'

'Highest score wins,
you have 100 seconds.'

Wow.

It's about getting the
highest score possible.

Two press-ups equals one word
in the word find.

So it's fully up to you
how you want to do it.

- Everyone ready?
- Yep.

Turn over your list
of words on the side.

Oh, what?

Oh my God.

Oh, fuck it.
I'm gonna do press-ups too.

Go, Bryn!

You've got 30 seconds.

15 seconds.

Oh my God.

That is impressive.

- Ooh! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey!
- Hey.

He was just... signing it?

- Writing a number.
- Oh, what was the number?

91.

- Was that how many press-ups?
- Yeah.

- I didn't count my press-ups.
- Leigh was an absolute tank.

106.

- Shall we look at some of these words?
- Yes.

Angella's first word -
'toastee' with two 'E's on the end.

I went too far.

Ok. We'll do some
basic arithmetic.

We can do that all down on the
stage. Come on down, you guys.

All right, Paul,
you've analysed the footage

and painstakingly counted press-ups
and words. How did everyone go?

Well, it was brains versus brawn.
But...

brawn definitely won out.

So, Leigh did 87 press-ups.

87? He's 88 years old!

Yeah, when designing
this task, we could not foresee

how good Leigh Hart
was gonna be at press-ups.

- Nobody knew that.
- How did you get so good?

It's what I do. You know?
It's what I do.

We need to drug test this guy.
That was impressive.

Don't do that.

So, Angella, zero press-ups,
three words - six points.

Madeleine, 27 press-ups,
two words - 31 points.

Guy, 32 press-ups, one word -
34 points.

Brynley, 72 press-ups, one word -
74 points.

And Leigh with 87 press-ups,
one word - 89 points.

Impressive.

- Yep.
- Very, very impressive from you.

And with one episode remaining, Paul,
what are our overall standings?

- Guy's still in last, 116.
- Damn!

And still out in front with quite
a lead on 150, it's Angella Dravid.

Wow. Ok.

That's fantastic,
but who is our winner tonight?

The winner tonight with a dominant
performance - 21 points - Leigh Hart.

Right. That's it for our
penultimate episode of Taskmaster.

We are but one hour of television away from
knowing who our season one champion is,

and haven't we had fun
along the way?

Tonight, we learned about
the dangers of climate change

through the lens of an
equally dangerous wheelchair.

We learned that getting zero
out of 20 questions correct

equates to a Not Achieved
by modern NCEA standards.

And, yes, we learned that the winner
of episode nine is Leigh Hart.

Get up there and soak in the
terribly aged glory of your prizes.

Thank you so much for your company
tonight. We'll see you next time.

And now we've enjoyed and sometimes
endured 10 weeks of tasks for this moment.

Yah!

I was expecting that to be less...

awesome than it was.