All language subtitles for American.Housewife.S03E05.Trust Me.KILLERS

- Whatcha working on?
- I need scary ideas

for Jennifer Estony's
annual haunted-house party.

She shot down everything
that I've come up with so far.

Mm. Okay, how about this.

Gives me shivers just thinking about it.

Get someone to dress

as the ghost of scholar Thomas Malthus.

Then get him to shame the kids

for not heeding his warning

about the dangers of population growth.

Ooh! Ooh!

Honey, I love you,

and I know we're gonna be
together forever,

but moments like this do worry me.

Hey!

Can I go to a party
at Sierra Johnson's house

on Halloween night?

- Are her parents going to be there?
- Yeah.

- Will there be any drinking?
- No.

What's your name?

Taylor.

Just establishing a baseline

for my mommy lie detector.

Fine by me. Just be home by curfew.

Yay! Awesome! Thanks, Dad.

Look at you,

making decisions without consulting me

just like that.

You said with you going back to work,

you wanted me to take a more
active role with the kids,

so I read the situation,
and I made the call.

- Mm.
- I gotta say, feels good.

Do I look taller? I feel taller.

Oh, God.

Hey, from now on,

could you guys just tell me
where you hide your key?

I had to dig through the flower bed,

and my back is killing me.

Why didn't you just ring the doorbell?

Because it hurts my feelings

when I look through the window

and see you hiding behind the sofa.

This is the fourth time
you've come over today.

- What do you need now, Viv?
- I need another pregnancy check-in.

I'm mostly nipple now. Is that normal?

O-kay. I'll be in my study.

Mm. It's totally normal.

It's just your body
preparing to be a mommy.

Well, tell it to stop!

It's screwing up stuff

that I spent a lot of
time and money perfecting.

Is that it, Viv? Because I'm kinda busy.

Actually, no, I've got three weeks

until my scheduled C-section.

I am feeling super lonely.

Where is your baby daddy,
the Pig Whisperer?

He promised he'd come back to town,

but he's been so unreliable
since he left me.

So, the Pig Whisperer
is definitely not coming back?

Ugh, swine!

Have you made preparations
for the baby's arrival?

No, I haven't set up the nursery

or even bought anything yet

'cause I don't really know
what to expect.

I gave you a book called

"What to Expect When You're Expecting."

I'm not a good reading learner!

I'm more of a girl-talk learner.

So I was hoping we could do

- a baby cram session together.
- Mnh-mnh.

Viv, I've got a full plate right now

trying to plan this haunted-house party.

Please! I just need the basics.

Like, after the baby
comes out, then what?

- Fine.
- Oh!

I'll see what old baby items
I have in the basement

- and give you a crash course.
- Yay!

Ooh!

Should we get some champagne
and make this fun?

You can't drink, Viv.

I know!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
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I'm so excited for you, me, and Gina

to go to the Estony haunted-house party.

So, you're not worried about
the whole third-wheel thing?

No.

Dude, Gina will never be
a third wheel with us.

Oh, hey.

Hey, hi.

How's you're day going?

Whoa! Who is that?

Hey, guys, meet my cousin Adriana.

So, these are the Westport boys?

- This is my boyfriend, Oliver.
- Hi.

So, this one's for me, huh?

What? I mean, I guess.

I mean...

Hola, chica.

So, I told Adriana about
the Halloween party tomorrow,

- and she wants to tag along.
- Yeah.

We'll find a closet

and play "seven minutes in heaven."

Okay.

We'll see you guys there.

Seven minutes?

That's a long time.

We'll be fine.
We... We just need to be prepared.

Is there a beginner's closet,
maybe three minutes?

This is an electric rocker thingy.

You'll need it so you don't
have to hold the baby

when you sit down
and cry into both hands.

Remember, if anything goes wrong,

if they get a rash, gas,
or a clogged tear duct,

use breast milk.

It clears everything up.

- Breast milk?
- Mm-hmm.

- Got it.
- Yeah.

Where do I get that?

- From... your breasts!
- Oh, no!

I just got them how I want them.

You know, um...

you're already set up
for children over here.

Mnh-mnh-mnh.

I am not raising your baby, Viv.

Fine.

Not it!

You can't "not it" a baby, Viv.

Also, you didn't put
your finger on your nose

when you said "not it."

- Not it!
- Not it!

Oh!

Ugh. Coming up with an idea
for this haunted-house party

is stressing me out.

Oh, my God.

Do you know who has
a lot of scary stories?

- Mm?
- Angela's waxer.

Ah. You know who else
has a lot of scary stories?

Doris' kids.

You're damn right they do.

Wonder what they're doing
at Sierra Johnson's party.

Maybe I can steal an idea from them.

The Johnsons are having a party?

Yeah, Taylor's going.

I'm surprised to hear that
since her parents are in Antigua.

Taylor told me
her parents would be there.

Liar! I knew it.

Okay, before you explode,
I could be wrong.

Yeah, not wrong.

They just posted a pic of
themselves on the beach.

I can't believe she lied to me!

My kids don't lie to me.

I lie to them.

Why'd you let her go in
the first place, dumb-dumb?

She's way too hot to be trusted.

I was just starting my interrogation

when Greg jumped in
and gave her permission.

And you just let him?

You know, I get that. Ohh.

He has an understated strength

that would back off any woman.

Oh, and those lips!

Those full, pillowy lips,

like an overinflated pool toy.

Oh, it just makes a woman want to, like,

- take off her p...
- Doris.

How many times have I told you

not to fantasize about Greg
while I'm eating?

Well, maybe ask Greg
to be less desirable!

You ever think of that?!

Have you decided what kind of
zombie you want to be this year?

It's gonna be hard to top when you
went as Zombie Tony the Tiger.

Theeeeey're brains!

This year, nothing's speaking to me.

Maybe I just won't dress up
and go trick-or-treating.

Maybe I've grown out of it.

Are you sure?
You're giving up free candy?

Please. Between candy at school

and candy from
the weird guy in the van...

- Anna-Kat?!
- You're so gullible.

How many times have I told you

I don't think van jokes are funny?

Where's Taylor?

She's still at school,
practicing for the play.

Well, she's quite the actress.

Sierra Johnson's parents
are in Antigua, Greg.

Taylor lied to our faces

so that she could
go to the party, get drunk,

and mess around with Trip.

We don't know that.

Maybe she just wants
to hang out with her friends,

and she had to lie about
there being parental supervision

so that we would let her go.

Are you defending her lie?

If she had told the truth,

- what would you have said?
- No!

You put her in a position
where she was forced to lie,

just like when you asked me how I felt

when you bejeweled your fingernails.

- You said I looked classy.
- Of course I did.

You had two-inch claws on both hands.

Well, we are not letting Taylor
go to that party.

I think we should let her go
and see what happens.

Where is this all coming from?

In two years,
she's going to a third-rate college

that Oliver will mock her for.

My classes are full of freshmen

that have their first taste
of freedom and go crazy.

It's time to let her off the leash.

She is going to do exactly
what Luthor does

when you let him off the leash.

Chase a plastic bag she thinks
is a squirrel into the street

and cause a three-car accident?

Yes, but the human-stupid
version of that.

We've always taught her
to do the right thing.

This is an opportunity to trust her

and see if we succeeded as parents.

Fine.

So, if Taylor comes home drunk

or makes any bad decisions,

then it's all on you.

You comfortable with that?

- I am.
- Okay.

So, if you're wrong,

that pretty much torpedoes
your credibility

to make any future decisions.

Not going to be a problem

because Taylor's not gonna let me down,

and then I'm gonna make more decisions.

- Big decisions.
- Mm.

Thin crust, thick crust, whatever I say.

Well, look at you.

Your lips really do look like pool toys.

What?

How's the party you're planning going?

The kids at Jennifer Estony's...

- are definitely going to lose it.
- Mm.

I've rented a life-size alien.

It's going to be all spooky and slimy.

Ooh! You should do an autopsy

and put dry ice in the body cavities

so when you cut it open, the guts smoke.

I don't know whether I did

something terribly wrong with you

or terribly right.

Katie! I need you!

I gotta take this.

Katie, that's just your hand.

Okay, look.

I know the answer to this,
but I'm just gonna ask it anyway.

Is my motion-controlled fire pit

going to be a problem with the baby?

Yes.

Oh, God! I can't do this!

I can't do this.

Oh, God.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

Why is Cooper getting mail here?

It came!

It's just not
how I saw my life ending up.

Knocked up, broke, and dumped by a guy

who talks to pigs for a living.

You were so put together when I met you.

I've really watched you fall apart
over the years, Viv.

Right?

Katie, I have the most amazing idea.

I know you said you wouldn't

- take the baby...
- Mm-hmm.

...but what if we just raise

- ...the baby together?
- Mnh-mnh.

Absolutely not!
Viv, you cannot rely on me

for anything with this baby.

I already have three kids and a job,

and I'm going on my fourth year

- trying to finish "Gone Girl."
- Okay.

Fine.

Okay, last question.

Do I have to put a gate
around my koi pond?

But they were my babies first!

- Dude, stop moving.
- Oh, you're tickling me.

Okay, this is the moment.

I owe Doris 20 bucks.

Greg!

All yours, honey.

Hey, guys.

Whatcha doing?

Well, Dad, the thing is...

We might touch boobs tonight.

Oh.

We're going to a party

where we're gonna play
"seven minutes in heaven,"

so we needed to practice
taking off bras.

Are you sure the girls
are ready for this?

Because you must always have
their consent.

Trust me. They're on board.

They were the ones who suggested it.

I was just expecting an evening
with a few scares

and some light hand-holding.

Anything else you guys want to discuss?

Dad, we already know everything
we need to know.

If that's true, why are you
wearing a nursing bra?

Oh, that's what these are for?

I perfected this for nothing.

I'm ready for the party.

Looks like she's dressed
for some good decisions.

Oh, my ride to the party is here.

Taylor, remember, no drinking,

and if kids are making
bad choices at the party,

you have to leave immediately.

Right.

- No, say it the real way.
- Right.

Greg, you have nothing to worry about.

There couldn't possibly be
any of that going on

with Sierra's parents supervising.

So much supervising.

Remember... curfew is midnight.

Right.

Wrong right again!

I'm off, too, but I will be back

to greet Taylor when she gets home...

...when she staggers in all,
"I wasn't drinking.

Other people were.

That's why I smell like booze."

I'm going to be right,
you're going to be wrong,

and Taylor's leash goes back on.

I might even get her a shock collar.

Trick or treat!

Well, look at all these
adorable costumes.

Wonder Woman, Mr. Policeman,

Zombie Annie.

Oh, I remember those days.

The brains will come out tomorrow.

Nice.

But I would've gone with
"It's a hard-knock afterlife."

Daddy.

What is it, sweetie?

I can't believe I missed out on

dressing up
and trickor-treating this year.

How could you let me do this?

I was supporting your decision.

I'm just a child.

But I'm letting you
off the leash a little bit.

What nonsense is that?

You're supposed to protect me
from myself.

You're supposed to know
better than me, Greg.

You're right.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I shouldn't be trusting Taylor

to make her own decisions either!

Tell you what...

I'll take you trick-or-treating
right now.

But I don't have a costume.

We'll figure something out in the car.

Come on!

This is humiliating.

Listen, it was between
cup holder and map,

- and you chose map.
- Cup holder was just me

holding your NPR travel mug.

Why did we come to this house?

'Cause your mother might be
right about something,

and it would be very, very bad for me,

and I'll wind up renting a bachelor pad

somewhere around...

...here.

I don't know whether
I should go in or not.

You don't go in.
You just go up to the door.

I know you've done this before.

She told us the parents
were going to be home.

Well, they are definitely
still in Antigua.

I want to trust her,

but who knows what's going on in there?

If I screw this up,
I'm never gonna get to try

the pizza crust with the cheese inside.

I just want to see a movie
without Judi Dench in it.

That's all I want.

I wasn't doing anything!

I can't believe
you'd embarrass me like that!

We'll talk about it in the car.

You ruined my life! I hate you!

You know what? I'm gonna
roll the dice and trust her.

- Yeah.
- Me, too.

Some people think

that there is no life on other planets.

But tonight,

you are going to learn the truth!

Let's cut open his stomach
and see what he feeds on!

Aah! Intestines!

Aah!

Whoa!

A giant alien eye!

That's a dog chew toy.

No, it's not.

It's an alien eye.

My dog has that chew toy.

Well, maybe your dog
found an alien eyeball.

He didn't. That's a chew toy.

How's your dog at finding missing kids?

Um... Katie?

This isn't the big scary thing
you promised, is it?

No.

This is to just weed out the wimps.

Oh.

Can't wait to see what you have planned.

Hey, Jennifer!

- Me, too.
- Hey, neighbor!

Viv, what are you doing here?

I felt bad about pestering you,

so I want to make it up to you
by helping.

Seriously?

I also don't want to be alone
on Halloween.

All the kids ask about is candy.

It's never about me.

Well, the woman I hired

to dress up as a witch and serve punch

called in sick.

If you want to do that...

- I love it!
- To be clear,

helping me does not mean
I'm raising your child.

But if you won't love my baby, who will?

Let's go find a closet for
"seven minutes in heaven."

Definitely.

Um, you're kind of hurting my hand.

We're gonna make it eight minutes.

Sounds good to me.

Oh, man. What if I panic?

Just remember what we practiced.

Pretend she's me in your room in a bra.

Dude, you always know what to say.

Uh, I know this isn't the best time,

but I have one more
baby-related question.

No, they cannot ride shotgun.

Actually, no, I was just wondering...

what do I do when my water breaks?

We have to get you to the hospital!

I can't move! I can't move.

It's coming! It's coming now!

- It's coming now!
- Oh, my God!

Call 911!

Oh, God!

Come here, Viv! Move!

Move! Move!

We got an emergency!

- Come on, Viv.
- Okay.

- Can I...?
- Get up here.

Aah! Aah!

- Okay, breathe!
- I'm here to assist.

Get out of here, you perv!

Worth a shot.

Can we use any closet?

Is there a specific closet?

Should I have made a reservation?

Hey.

Whoa!

You sure you want to do this?

So, that's a yes.

Dude! Your mom needs you.

It's an emergency.

And she said to bring towels.

Also, could you put in a word
for me to assist?

Is it too late for a C-section?!

Yes!! I can see the head!

Push it back in, and go get a knife!

- Don't look.
- It's too late.

Push, Viv.

Breathe, Viv!

You're about to meet your baby!

I don't want a baby!

I want a purse!

One more push, Viv.

It's a girl.

Oliver, towel.

Towel!

This is how I felt when I saw
"The Ring" when I was 9.

Too soon.

Oh!

Hi.

Hi!

I always knew that you'd
be there for me.

Now look at our baby.

Aww, your baby.

All yours.

She's so tiny.

Yeah.

And she's so beautiful.
Isn't she beautiful?

Yes, she is.

I think she's not as beautiful
as her mama, but...

I gotta hand it to you.

What do you mean?

A witch giving birth to a demon baby?

Amazing.

It looked so real.

And it's not over yet.

A fake ambulance is gonna pull up

and take this fake baby
to a fake hospital.

Oh! Yay!

I don't know why they call it
the miracle of life.

It is so gross,
and so much of this sound.

You must be exhausted.
Wh-Why don't you go to bed?

Nope.

I'm staying up until Taylor gets home.

She has 20 seconds

until I'm right, you're wrong,

and she's busted.

- Oh, no, no.
- She's coming home right now.

Ah.

I mean, now!

In 3, 2, 1.

Crap. I guess you're...

- Hi.
- She's home.

She's home, and she's on time.

Yeah, but in what condition?

I'm just gonna go to bed.

What did you do at the party?

I just hung out with my friends.

- She just hung out.
- Wait.

Wait, before you go,
the night is still young.

Let's play a game of "Simon Says."

- Really?
- Mm-hmm. It'll be fun.

Simon says touch your nose
with your index finger.

Simon says walk towards me in
a straight line, heel to toe.

Simon says say the alphabet backwards.

Um... R...

Okay, forget it. Go to bed.

Why is it so hard for you to see

that your daughter did the right thing?

I don't know.

If she would've done something wrong,

I could've grounded her
and kept an eye on her,

and she wouldn't be out there
worrying me.

I'm not ready to let Taylor
off the leash.

I get that.

But you got to realize

we bring them into this world
like Viv just did,

then life is one long process
of letting them go.

Even though I can't wait
to get rid of them...

I want to hold on to them just as much.

Like you...

with your stupid National Geographics
in the basement.

Hey, guys. How was the party?

Did everything go as planned?

No, Viv's stupid baby ruined the mood.

But that's okay.

Gives us more time to practice.

Let's go perfect the push-up bra.

Okay, but remember...

no pinching me with the clasp.

And try to warm up your hands.

Uh-huh.

- Ah, boys and their bras.
- Story as old as time.

- Aww.
- She really is beautiful.

Yeah.

Hey, would you mind
if I used your restroom?

Go right ahead.

Okay, I'll be right back.

So cute.

Who brought you into this world?

I did.

Who ruined my shoes?

You did.

Viv's running away again.

Viv! Come back here!

I just want a shower!

Katie?

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com