Original subtitles

Hold on to your fright wig, my love. I'm

divorcing you. No,

>> he is a blue beard. Miss Snoop,

>> I beg your pardon.

>> Know a man who murders his wives.

>> You've got to get that money to me by

tomorrow. Or opening night is closing

night.

>> I'll get it, Lawrence. One way or

another.

>> I do hope you will keep my little

secret.

It could be very awkward. Murder always

is.

[music]

>> [music]

[music]

>> Heat. Heat.

Lovely reaction, Barney. The villages of

Transylvania always seemed that scared.

>> Finally happened, huh?

>> Now, Barney

>> flipped just plain wigged out. Well,

that had to happen. I mean, sitting up

there to all hours of the night, right?

Those creepy mysteries happen to

anybody. It's not your fault.

>> Now, Barney, no one has, as you so

delicately put it, wigged out. We're in

full possession of all our marbles.

>> Sure you are. I mean, everybody dresses

like that.

>> Where we're going tonight? Yes. We're

going to a film premiere.

>> It's the Michael Bastion Horror

Festival.

>> The Michael Bastian. That actor that

does all those spooky pictures.

>> Hardly just that actor, Barney. Michael

Bastion's a famous star.

>> Haven't done anything in a long time.

>> That's precisely the point. And now

someone's had a perfectly marvelous

idea. They're going to revive all the

films that made Michael Bastion what he

is today.

>> An out of work actor.

[music]

Heat.

Heat.

Thank you. Thank you, dear friends.

You're so very kind. Oh, thank you.

>> Bless your little heart very soon.

>> Good luck, Michael. Thank you.

>> God bless you all.

>> Thank you. Thank you.

>> Oh, hello.

>> Thank you.

>> Good luck, Mr. Bastion.

>> Oh, hello.

Great success, Michael. Thank you.

>> Amanda,

have a little consideration.

These are my fans.

>> Oh, is that what they are? Where have

they been hiding all these years?

>> Michael, congratulations, Amanda.

>> Oh, it's good of you to come. I

hope you enjoy it. Oh,

>> I'm sure I shall.

>> Thank you.

>> Couldn't you smile, Amanda? would help.

Sounds. It's going to go splendidly.

It's going to be a smash. I feel it in

my bones.

>> Zounds. The word hasn't been used since

DW Griffith.

>> I know it's odd.

I'm the vampire, but it's your fangs

that are showing, dear.

>> Good evening, cousin Amanda.

Bastion.

>> Break an egg.

Thanks.

>> Snoop. How marvelous of you to come.

>> What's a premiere without the authors?

>> Well, thank you, mysterious

>> ordue. Florence Forescue. I'm Mr.

Bastion's entrepreneur and your greatest

fan.

>> Oh, that's very kind of you. This is my

sister, Mrs. Nicholson.

>> How do you do, Mrs. Nicholson? I'm very

happy to meet you.

>> Michael will be so delighted. He was

around here a moment ago. Look for a

vampire.

>> How will we recognize him? I see lots of

vampires.

>> We'll look for the one who's taking the

bows.

>> How long do you intend to stand here

taking bows?

>> Oh, Amanda.

>> Well, make the most of it while it

lasts.

You've been doing that all evening.

>> Doing what? What have I been doing all

evening?

>> Hinting at something ominous.

>> I think the word is sensible.

>> Amanda, if you have something to say,

say it and get it over with.

>> A Q- line. If ever I heard one. Well,

hold on to your fright wig, my love.

It's very simple.

I'm divorcing you.

>> Amanda, you're ravishing.

>> You, too, Michael.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

>> Your program.

>> Oh, thank you very much.

>> This one is just

>> way

>> ladies. Michael Bastian.

>> Michael,

>> you don't recognize me.

Boris Carlo,

>> it's your neester. Oh,

>> Nester,

you look enchanting.

>> Lot of water under the bridge since

Hollywood, Michael.

>> Oceans are a dear lady. But time has

been a friend to you and not the enemy.

>> You said that in your last film. Death

is nature's way of telling you to slow

down.

>> Yes, I did. My sister Gwendelyn Snoop

Nicholson, a Michael Bastian Buff.

>> I've never missed one of your movies.

>> Well, we have a lot in common. Neither

have I.

>> Oh. U may I present my wife, Amanda.

>> Will everyone take their seats, please?

>> Time to get the show on the road.

It's

>> this way, please.

This way, please. Thank you.

>> Tell me though, Amanda. I mean, why

should you want to divorce me? Because

I've had it up to here with you. Your

gourmet cooking in your African root

gardening and particularly your very

expensive taste.

>> Perhaps we're being hasty. Maybe later

over champagne we could discuss it

calmly. discuss it with Alwin Shanks, my

lawyer. I told him to start proceedings.

>> But Amanda, what am I going to do

without you?

>> You mean without my money?

>> Well, perhaps I could learn to

economize.

>> Learn with someone else. I canled all

your child accounts this afternoon.

>> You can't do that to me.

>> Come on, the movie started. You'll miss

the best part, the credits.

Heat. Heat.

[bell]

[music]

Heat.

Heat.

>> [music]

[screaming]

>> 10 bucks well spent.

>> Why? The woman has screamed. You mean

you planted a shill? Naturally, we're

going for big stakes. Michael

wrestled the werewolf. I got two of the

best fers in town.

Listen,

there's things we should talk about. Uh,

let's say 15 minutes before this thing

ends.

>> Walk out of my own performance.

>> [sighs]

>> Okay, let's save uh 5 minutes before

this thing ends.

>> But the end is the very best part. Oh,

>> yes.

>> In the washroom.

>> Huh?

Heat.

Heat.

>> [music]

[music]

>> Well, Lawrence, what's important enough

to make me miss the last few moments?

>> Money. You realize what my bills are at

this point? I got a mountain of them on

my desk. About $18,000 worth. It's a

mere bag of tail, my dear boy.

>> To a man with a rich wife, maybe. But

not to me. Things seemed a little chilly

between you and Amanda tonight. There's

nothing wrong, is there?

>> Of course not. A lover's tiff. Nothing

more.

>> Good, because I'll need your half of the

money by tomorrow or there'll be no

festival

>> tomorrow.

>> Yes. Talk to Amanda. You've got to get

that money to me by tomorrow. Or opening

night is closing night. I'll get it,

Lawrence.

One way or another, I'll get it.

[music]

I was wrong. I remembered it as being

terrible. It's worse than that.

>> The picture doesn't quite hold up.

>> If anybody has to pay to see it, that's

a hold up.

>> [music]

>> Congratulations, Michael.

>> Thank you.

>> He's still there. I don't know what to

say to him.

>> You think we can get away with good

night?

>> Well, dear ladies, time has done our

film no disservice, has it?

>> No, Michael. What it was then, it is

now.

>> Did you find it entertaining, Mrs.

Nicholson?

>> Oh, please call me G. Everyone does.

>> G.

>> Yes, very entertaining and a little

frightening, too.

>> Frightening? Did you really?

>> Oh, there are many kinds of fright.

>> Yes, how true. How true. But it's no

better. We'll discuss it all over a

small champagne dinner.

>> Oh, no, Michael. We really couldn't.

>> Oh, of course you can. Of course. We

must celebrate to the hilt. Now, if

you'll excuse me just one moment while I

go find Amanda. Just

>> All right, Amanda. I get the point. My

performance bored you. Oh, come on. One

actor in the family's quite enough,

don't you think?

>> Oh, look, love. I know you're not

asleep,

>> so don't be

>> Well, my impression was they were having

an argument.

>> Mhm. Anything else?

Well, it sounds kind of incriminating

out of context, but Michael said to me

that he'll get the money

>> one way or the other.

>> All right. Thank you. We'll uh be in

touch with you, Mr. Borsk.

>> Mr. Bastion.

>> Lieutenant, I was I was hoping there

wouldn't be any more questions.

>> I was hoping you could add something.

Um, can you, Miss Bryan?

>> No,

>> Mr. Brian. My brother sat next to me all

evening, far right hand side, about the

center of the theater.

>> Mr. Stish,

>> murder Amanda. We were blood relatives.

>> The questions have to be asked, Mr.

Stish.

>> I was in the back of the theater on the

side, and I'm farsighted.

>> Thank you. If you'll excuse me a moment,

>> Steven.

>> Ladies, really? Someday you must tell me

how you manage it.

>> Manage what, Steven?

>> Showing up at all my homicides.

>> We're invited, dear. Unfortunately.

>> Well, I'm sure there's a logic in there

somewhere. I saw Barney outside with the

car. You're free to go.

>> One question first. Steven.

>> If it will help speed you on your way.

>> That group over there. Who are they?

With Michael.

>> Uh, the woman is Prime. Amanda's

personal secretary. The young man is her

brother, David Prine. Uh, the other man

is Lionel Standish, the dead woman's

cousin. Good night, ladies.

>> Lieutenant, please. I can vouch for

these ladies. They're dear friends of

mine. Thank you. Mine, too.

>> Oh,

>> but that was very gallant of you,

Michael.

>> Mr. Bastion, I'm afraid I'm going to

have to ask you to come with me.

>> Lieutenant, I thought I'd answered all

the questions.

>> We haven't even warmed up yet. Home.

Home.

>> You know what I think, dear? I think I

do, dear.

>> So, who's in us?

>> We must convince Steven of that.

>> He won't exactly welcome us. He told us

to go straight home.

>> He'll be glad to see us when we bring

him new evidence.

>> But we don't have any new evidence.

>> By the time we get there, we will.

>> Thank you, Lieutenant, for allowing me

to remove my makeup. This is humiliating

enough as it is. Uh, hand me some

tissues, please.

>> Then you admit the weapon is yours, huh?

>> Oh, we gad, sir. Haven't I said so? It

was from my collection. played a very

important role in one of my old films.

It's nothing more than a sentimental

trinket.

>> Murder weapon now, Mr. Bastion.

>> Oh, what do I have to do to make you

see, Lieutenant? It was on display in my

home. Anybody could have taken it. Oh,

is there no humanity anymore?

>> Humanity? What's that got to do with

this?

>> I am a grieving widowerower of but a few

hours duration. Give me that towel,

please. You see before you a victim,

Lieutenant.

>> No, no, no. I think you got your victims

mixed up.

>> Where prey could you find a more natural

suspect?

Always the villain on that great silver

screen, the ghoul, the werewolf, the mad

torturer, evil incarnate, so to speak.

Mr. Bastion, I've never seen any of your

films.

>> That is the unkindest cut of all.

>> Yes. Well, now can we stick with the

offscreen facts, please? Do you have any

witch hazel?

>> Witch hazel?

>> Never mind. Never mind. Where were we?

>> With the facts. And they're very simple.

Opportunity comes first in a murder

case, Mr. Bastion. You certainly ranked

number one there, don't you? Sat next to

your wife all evening in the theater.

You

>> Ah, but you forget any number of people

pass down that row during that evening.

All it would take is one quick thrust.

>> Uh-huh.

I'm aware of that.

>> But I wasn't aware of this.

I thought I told you two ladies ago

home.

>> We have some new evidence dear that we

think could prove Michael's innocence.

>> Oh, bless you, dear ladies. Elucidate.

>> Oh, we prefer Steven to speak to you in

private. Please excuse us, Michael.

>> We're convinced that Michael didn't know

Amanda was dead. After the movie, he

invited us to have champagne with the

two of them. He was very sincere.

>> That's it. That's your evidence. Oh,

come on, ladies. He's an actor. He could

have been acting.

>> If he had tried to act here, he couldn't

have done it that well.

>> He's not very good, you know.

>> Well, it's conjecture in theory. I deal

with facts.

>> Well, am I free?

>> I'm afraid not. But I had no motive,

Lieutenant. I gain nothing from dear

Amanda's demise. She assured me that I'm

completely cut out of her will.

>> We'll check it. Now,

>> you're going to hold him.

>> The thought had occurred to me, Angie.

Yes.

>> A mistake, Steven.

>> You would wound an already grieving man,

Lieutenant, when a simple phone call

would clear him.

>> A phone call to whom?

>> Arwin Shanks, Amanda's lawyer. He'll

bear me out. I am not in that will. Look

here, Lieutenant. Here, here's his phone

number. his home phone number. Please,

Lieutenant, every prisoner is allowed

one call. Make this one mine.

Hello.

Yes, Lieutenant. What can I do for you?

The will? Yes. Yes. I remember it

distinctly.

All right. Thank you for your

cooperation, Mr. Shanks. Sorry to

disturb you.

>> According to Mr. Shanks, there are three

major heirs to Mrs. Bastion's will. He

receives $150,000, as does Lionel

Stantis, Amanda's cousin.

>> And the third,

>> you, Mr. Bastion, you receive $300,000.

>> But that's impossible.

It's a plot to destroy me. It's a

There's another will, a later one.

Amanda took great pleasure in showing it

to me.

>> Yes. Well, I'm sure your lawyer can

handle that for you. For the moment, I'm

calling it a motive. I'm booking you,

Mr. Bastion. Murder one.

>> Murder one.

>> Ostraki?

>> Yeah. I'll be right back.

I just don't understand it. Arwin

Shanks, he's Amanda's lawyer, you know.

Well, he's trying to send me to the

gallows, either by lying or using a will

that can't possibly be genuine. Oh, dear

ladies, I have no one else to turn to. I

am innocent. I swear it. And you can

help me prove it. Only you.

>> Just tell us how, Michael.

>> Well, I know that there is a copy of

that will in the safe at my house. I've

seen it. It proves that I inherit

nothing and therefore had no motive to

harm her.

If you would just go to my house and get

that will out of the safe, I'll make you

a diagram.

>> Break into a safe, Michael. That's

illegal.

>> Oh, no, no, no. Not break in. I know the

combination. Dearest ladies,

you were an innocent man's only chance.

I fling myself on your mercy.

How do we get into the house? Michael,

>> here's the key. Now, only be very

careful not to be discovered.

>> By whom?

Amanda's personal secretary, and

her brother, David. Go early in the

morning. They'll be in town then doing

their weekly shopping.

>> Why are you worried about them?

>> Well, somebody murdered Amanda,

and they both had a good reason.

was in Amanda's will substantially and

well,

David was Amanda's lover, I think.

I know he was.

I'm never myself at 8:00 in the morning.

Maybe that's an advantage.

>> How much, father, Barney?

>> Oh, another couple of miles.

>> Should be there any minute.

Here we are.

I hope Michael's right and no one is

home.

It won't be long.

>> I don't want to be.

>> There's a note.

>> We were here. You weren't. We'll call

back Elias exterminators.

>> Good. No one is home.

>> Good luck, Barney.

We'll stay outside and keep a lookout.

>> [music]

[music]

[bell]

[music]

>> I do hope Barney doesn't take too long.

Uh-oh. Too long.

Who are you? What do you want?

>> We We just left you a note.

>> A note?

>> We're the Exterminators.

>> The Exterminators?

>> They're representatives.

>> What company is that?

>> The Elias Exterminators.

That's our husband's business. Her

husband's. But he's tied up in rodents.

And what with the difficulty of getting

good help these days? Oh,

>> all right. I'll let you in the house.

>> No, no, no. We don't want to go in.

We're outside exterminators. If you

think you need exterminating inside,

you'd better get another company.

>> Why don't you just show us around the

grounds? We might just find the clue as

to where these little creatures

originate.

>> David can do it. I have work to do.

Where will you be if we need you?

>> In the kitchen.

>> Good.

Heat. Heat.

You seem to be termite free, but I've

seen several mice.

>> Where? We'll have to set traps and

fumigate. We'll have one of our men out

here tomorrow. Thank you for your

business.

He's still watching us.

>> With some justification, I regret that

the note we found at the door didn't

place us in a more likely profession.

>> Measured by the results, the roose was

effective. At least it kept a out of the

house.

>> Oh dear. You don't suppose Barney ran

into difficulties.

Unfortunately, we're in a rather

unfortunate position. With David there,

we can't stay. And without Barney, we

can't leave.

>> That does narrow one's options.

We have to find a way of stalling

without creating suspicion.

>> I just had a thought. You could do your

faint.

>> Oh, I faint so poorly.

>> That's true, dear.

Car trouble. Excellent.

He's

on a barley.

Only David.

>> What's wrong?

>> Well, it seems to be the uh the um the

um Do you know what a Krellen is?

>> A Krellen? I've never even heard of one.

>> Oh dear. You are our last hope.

>> Well, maybe you're not getting any

spark.

>> Spark? Oh no, we've got plenty left.

Afraid it's the crowd and dear.

>> Not again.

>> Afraid so.

No idea the trouble it's given us. They

just don't make them like they used to.

[laughter] We're beginning to suspect

planned obsolescence.

>> What?

>> Look, why don't I check your spark?

>> Oh, no. No. Only a bonded mechanic can

touch the motor. It's in our contract.

>> Contract?

>> Our contract with the bonded mechanics

of America. The BMA. Never firm about

these things. Fred Saba again, dear.

>> Oh, dear.

>> You didn't touch the motor, I hope.

>> No, no.

>> Oh, thank goodness. Oh, you've no idea

how fussy they are about these things.

May we use your telephone, please?

>> Certainly.

>> Thank you,

>> Yes. What is it? They want to use the

phone.

>> David, where are you going? Oh,

>> don't worry about it.

>> The phone? Oh, it's at the end of the

hall. I'll show you. Uh where may I

speak to you in private? It's very

important.

What a lovely private room. Well, now um

what was it you wanted to see me about?

>> Um your hand.

>> Your hand is most interesting.

>> My hand?

>> Yes. May I see it? I'm a palmist.

>> A palmist?

>> Madam Gwendlin?

>> A palmist and an exterminator?

>> Well, exterminating is my hobby. I read

palms professionally.

Thank you for the use of your hand.

>> What? What did you see?

>> Nothing.

>> You saw something. Tell me.

>> Um, well, um, it's the line of your

life, my dear.

>> The last time I saw a palmus, she said

that was my line of marriage.

>> What's life without a marriage?

>> You see a marriage in my life. To whom?

A musician.

>> What instrument?

>> Oh, well, it looks like

the brass section.

The brass section.

Let me have a better look.

Barney.

Barney,

can you hear me?

>> Barney,

if you can hear me, say I can hear you.

>> I can hear you.

>> How in the world did you ever get Never

mind.

>> I could die in here. I am dying in here.

>> What's the combination?

It's too dark to read it.

Oh,

>> the combination. The combination. Let's

see now. Uh,

start at three.

>> Three.

>> And then, uh, two full turns. And the

first number is 37 left. And then, oh

boy.

>> Oh, boy.

>> Oh, boy. I can't think of the last

number.

>> Arie, you've got to.

>> All right. Let me see. Let me see.

Three.

37 left and I'm trapped. I'm dying.

>> Barney, calm down.

>> Calm down. How can I calm down? I'm

dying. I'm dying and I can't think.

>> Barney, you've got to

>> 14. A full turn to the left and 14.

Praise the Lord.

Oh, Barney. Oh, how in the world did you

ever get in there? Are you all right?

>> I got in there because I heard somebody

coming and no, I'm not all right.

>> Why are you all hunched over like that?

>> Hunched over?

>> Yes. You're not in the safe anymore.

Straighten up.

>> I'll try. That's all I can promise.

I did it. I'm normal.

>> Barney, did you get the wheel?

>> The wheel? No, I forgot the wheel.

Oh,

>> I thought I was a goner. You've got no

idea. My whole life flashed in front of

my eyes, just like they say. Only it's

too dark to see it in there.

>> I was wrong. It's a chist. Definitely a

chist.

>> A chist, not a violinist.

>> He doubles. Very talented.

You also will be coming into a large

fortune.

And that is the line of the heart.

>> Yes. Two heart lines. How rare? How very

rare? You may have an entire orchestra

in love with you.

>> Thank you. Thank you so much for the use

of the telephone. We must go, dear. The

mechanic has promised to come

immediately. I'm reluctant to leave.

Such an interesting hand.

>> Oh, where are you located, Madame

Gwendel? And I might like for some of my

friends to come and visit you.

>> Oh, uh, that really won't be possible. I

only make house calls. I'll call you in

a few days. Goodbye and good luck.

Maybe you won't need it.

Did you get the will?

>> Won't Michael be pleased?

>> It could save his life.

>> Almost cost me mine. He better be

pleased.

>> Where two, ladies?

>> The city jail.

>> Makes me shudder to hear it.

Mr. Shanks, don't you think you ought to

have Mr. Bastion's permission to open

the safe?

>> Hardly, Miss Prime. As Mrs. Bastion's

attorney and executive of the will, I

think I have that prerogative.

Someone's been in here.

Looks like somebody slept in there.

Call the police. Tell them to get here

right away.

>> 5 minutes, ladies.

>> Thank you.

You came when everyone else turned their

backs. You came.

>> That's the will, Michael. The real will

>> straight from Amanda's safe. Just think,

Michael. Soon you'll be free.

>> Free? Yes. Free? Free as a bird. Free to

spread my wings, to feel the wind in my

hair, to taste.

Ah, yes, that's it. Taste. I shall

prepare for you a lunch and feast

honoring the triumph of justice.

>> I have some small reputation as a

gourmet cook, perhaps you know.

>> Oh, yes, of course.

>> Delicacies propitious to the occasion

leap to my mind. Oh, artichopes,

vinegaret, cold melons, soup, perhaps a

a duck

duck.

>> My goose is cooked. This isn't it,

>> Michael. It is. What's wrong?

>> It's a fake. It's a forgery. It's a It's

an I don't know what. This will confirms

what Shank said. This will ladies will

send me [music] to the gallows.

Right. Come on.

>> And uh diamond necklace with a

pear-shaped stone.

>> Right. And uh two strand pearl necklace.

>> Pearl necklace. Two strand. Right.

>> That's it.

>> What about the diamond brooch?

>> Diamond brooch. There's no diamond

brooch in here.

>> Look, one diamond brooch with a cluster

of stones worth $35,000.

>> It's gone.

>> Gone.

Why would anyone want to steal one piece

of jewelry?

>> I have no idea.

>> Hey, Lieutenant,

>> did you come up with something or two?

>> The inside that safe's covered with

fingerprints.

>> Oh, fine. Get him down to precinct right

away.

>> We'll do, Lieutenant. If he's in the

files, it'll be easier to find.

>> Why is that? Look at this right

forefinger right there. You see that? It

must be a scar. Runs right down the

center of the print.

>> Barney.

>> You know the man?

>> I'm afraid I do.

>> Thank you, Edward. We knew we could

count on you.

>> Amazing. What's that, dear?

>> The fact that you so willingly helped me

to postpone for Michael. I agreed to it.

Somehow I seem to have an innate belief

in the man. And dear, I'm aware that you

don't have the same degree of faith.

>> True. Then you're helping him was very

generous. Selfish. How? Can't believe

I've been writing all these years and I

haven't learned a thing about people.

>> What do you mean? Michael's reaction

when he learned that he was principal

heir in Amanda's will struck me as real.

Only believable performance he ever

gave.

>> Oh ladies, my very dearest lady, such

faith makes me live again. You won't

regret it. I swear.

>> Wait here.

>> You can't imagine such a night. I never

once closing my eyes, huddling in the

darkness, trying trying not to go mad.

>> Try to get it out of your mind, Michael.

It's all over now.

>> Hardly. It is but beginning.

There is so many things to be done. And

unpleasant though they may be, Bastion

must do them.

>> But Michael,

>> surely you understand. I stand falsely

accused of murder most foul.

>> [sighs]

>> I must clear myself, pursue it, force

the truth to surface.

>> Michael, do let the police handle it.

>> Blunderers all. I shall take command.

Clear myself

as soon as I have rid myself of these

garments and refreshed my spirits with a

bath and a modest collation. I shall

investigate. I shall call on lawyer

Shanks. And though I can't be sure that

he is the true murderer, still he did

lie about that will. So he is involved

somehow.

>> This way, Mr. Bastion. Release papers to

be signed.

>> One moment, Shandon. So I will call on

Shanks. Face him down. Demand the truth.

And if it is not forthcoming, I will

face and David and Stish. One way

or another, dear ladies,

Bastion will triumph. But Michael, you

might alert the murderer.

>> They will never suspect the true motive

of my visit.

I will give a typical Michael Bastion

performance.

If he gives a typical Michael Bastion

performance, he could be murdered. And

this time, not by the critics.

>> We must talk to the suspects before

Michael does. He might let something

slip and put them on their guard. We

could find a way of keeping him

occupied. I could talk to the suspects

this afternoon.

If Michael weren't an actor, he'd be a

gourmet chef.

Then we're safe in regarding him as a

gourmet chef. He did extend an

invitation to lunch earlier.

if we could combine his gallantry with

his vanity.

>> Dear ladies,

thanks to you, my release.

>> I've thought it over, Michael. And the

answer is yes.

>> Well, I'm delighted to what are you

answering yes?

>> To your kind invitation to lunch today.

>> Oh, my dear G, I am desolated, but that

invitation will have to be postponed to

sometime in the future. The servants are

off on Wednesday.

>> Oh, but you don't need them, Michael.

>> But you forget that I I have a mission.

>> Oh, too bad. I'd heard you were a

worthwhile cook.

>> Worthwhile?

Worthwhile is a diner in Deuke.

>> Oh, I'm sorry. I meant I'd heard that

you were almost in a class with a

Scofier.

>> Almost.

Very well, dear ladies. There will be a

lunch in Ad Bastian Manor this very

afternoon. It will be succulent but

succinct.

>> Oh, what a shame I can't be there. I

have an previous engagement. I'm sorry.

Another time, Michael Bonadit.

>> Thank you,

>> my dearest G. There is so much to be

done.

First the turret,

then revenge.

I'm sorry, Mr. Shanks is not in.

>> Oh dear, there must be some mistake. I

thought I had an appointment.

>> He always plays golf on Wednesday.

>> Oh, I thought he was an attorney, not a

doctor.

Oh, the scampier was delicious. The

sauce so delicate.

>> Yes, I I've learned to let the wine rule

the garlic. Well, I I don't like to rush

you, my dear Miss G, but we must get on

with the revenge.

>> I mean, the turbet. [laughter]

>> Oh, but do let me prepare for it. A

light wine does stimulate the pallet.

>> Yes,

>> it's delicious. Well, it's a decent

little wine. 49, of course.

>> Excellent. Here. Could I have a little

more?

>> Well,

we seem to have depleted it.

>> Isn't there anymore?

>> You want more?

>> Wine is food for the soul.

>> But it uh it isn't chilled, and it's way

down in the cellar.

>> Is that too far to go for my soul?

>> No.

Good. Don't rush.

>> No.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I think you're

hitting my ball.

>> Very unlikely.

>> Well, I just hit it. I watched it all

the way.

>> I know where my drive landed.

>> You hit that here on a drive. My dear

lady, that would be over 250 yards.

>> I detect a certain degree of male

chauvinism in that statement. Sir, this

is definitely my bull. It's an Awin

Shanks.

Oh my.

>> That's my name. I have them engraved.

>> Oh, forgive me, sir.

You're Amanda Bastion's attorney.

>> Yes.

>> What a coincidence running into you

here. I'm Ernest Snoop, a dear friend of

Michael Bastians.

>> Oh, very nice to meet you.

>> Poor Michael is so upset about that

will.

>> Don't know why he should be. He stands

to inherit a great deal of money.

Michael insists it not the same will

that Amanda showed him.

>> Oh,

>> in the one he saw, he was completely

eliminated as an heir.

>> I suppose you realize what you're

implying.

>> Certainly, someone is guilty of forgery

or of substituting an earlier will to

provide Michael with a motive for

murder.

Miss Snoop,

implicit in your statement is an

accusation which I resent.

>> Accusation?

>> You're suggesting the possibility that I

am either a dishonest lawyer or worse

yet, a murder suspect.

>> Would you help me look for my ball? It's

white.

>> I was not even at the theater the night

of Amanda Bastion's death.

>> I'm afraid that isn't entirely true,

sir. That ring you're wearing on your

right hand, it's very distinctive, very

unusual. I saw a man dressed as a

werewolf wearing that ring. You'd have a

hard time proving that werewolf wasn't

you. Oh, there's my ball. Excuse me.

Four.

>> Just a moment, Miss Snoop. Sh.

>> Call etiquette.

Miss Snoop,

you were right about the festival.

I was there. The reason I denied it, the

reason I slipped out after I learned of

Amanda's murder was

because of Greta.

>> I take it Greta is not your wife.

Greta is our maid.

>> How nice.

>> Whenever my wife goes to visit her

mother in Buffalo, uh

>> you visit Greta.

>> Yes.

>> And since the uh festival was a costume

affair, you felt perfectly safe until

the murder.

>> Exactly.

That's why I slipped out. I knew the

police would question everyone. Miss

Snoop,

>> I do hope you will keep my little

secret.

It could be very awkward.

>> Murder always is.

>> Was that the telephone?

>> Oh, no. That's my mocking bird over

there.

>> It's a very loud bird.

Oh, Michael. The turtle was drip.

>> Delicious.

>> Well, thank you, Miss G. Well, now that

we have whined and dined,

>> I have some more turbet.

>> More turbet? Well, I I'm afraid there

isn't a morsel left. I only made enough

for six.

>> Well,

you must write down the recipe for me

right now.

>> My dear Miss G, as memorable as this

lunchon has been, I'm sure you will

understand that I am very anxious to

confront my accuser. Of course,

we'll have dessert and then we'll go.

>> But I hadn't planned on dessert. It's

not my specialty.

>> Then I will prepare. It will give me a

chance to reveal my culinary skills. I

will give you crep quent. Crep

quentland.

>> Crep. But they take such a long time.

>> Yes.

>> Yes.

Hey, lady.

>> You better be careful. See, if you fall

overboard with all that weight around

your neck, you are going to sink.

>> Mr. Standish.

>> Hello.

>> I'm a Nester Snoop. We met at that

unfortunate premiere.

>> Oh, yes. Hello.

>> I had no idea you lived on a yacht.

>> Well, how kind of you to so designated.

I had no idea you were a photographer.

>> I photograph backgrounds for my books.

You know, I would like to photograph

your yacht.

>> Oh, well, that'll be fine. Come aboard.

Give me those things.

>> Thank you.

>> There you are.

>> This is good luck.

>> Now, you be careful.

There you go.

Yeah.

>> Oh, I'm afraid this place is a bit of a

mess. I'm a terrible packr rat. I could

never bear to throw anything out. Hey,

would you like a cup of coffee?

>> No, thank you.

>> Oh.

>> Oh, this is very photogenic. Do you live

here all the time?

>> Oh, yes. Yeah, it has everything I need.

Simple life, simple pleasures. Then, of

course, I have my research.

>> Research?

>> Yes. Genealogy. Are you sure that you

have enough light in here to take

pictures?

>> Uh, yes. I uh use quadruple x film.

>> Oh,

>> genealogy.

>> Uh yes, uh gal. I do charts on people.

>> Oh, did you happen to have done one on

uh say Amanda Michael?

>> How what what an amazing coincidence

that you should ask that. He's my latest

subject.

>> Yeah, I did a great deal of research on

him. It's a pity I didn't have a chance

to warn poor Amanda.

You know, he is a blue beard with Snoop.

I beg your pardon.

>> A blue beard. Know a man who murders his

wives?

>> Oh dear.

That's a very serious charge.

>> Well, all you have to do is study the

evidence. Look up. You take his first

wife for instance. She was a Italian

counters. She's unstable. She took to

drinking absent at lunch. Yes. Do you

know what that fiend did?

>> No, I don't.

>> He took her climbing the matter horn in

the middle of November. Of course, she

slipped and died. Oh,

>> dreadful.

>> Oh, now you may think that that is a

coincidence until you study the facts

about his second wife. She was a rich

English woman with a history of ulcers.

Didn't you know all that fancy cooking

of his?

>> Yes, I do.

>> Well, guess you know where he took her

for a brief rest bite.

>> No, I don't.

>> Paris. Paris, France. Patted grette.

Raw oysters in champagne. Poof.

>> Poof.

>> She died.

Not before, of course, she had willed

him a sizable amount of money which he

immediately invested in one of those

tasteless films of him and he lost

everything.

>> Oh dear.

>> And then of course we've got poor

Amanda.

>> Um uh uh speaking of wills, uh do you

happen to know how much you will be

inheriting?

>> Oh um you know token me a pittance which

of course I shall immediately donate to

my favorite charity or yours. I don't

care. You know, I think money corrupts,

don't you, Miss Snoop?

>> And as you can see, uh,

well, I am incorruptible.

>> Oh. Oh, Mike, can you give us another

egg?

>> I'm afraid our hens are all laid out.

>> Oh, well, we'll improvise.

3/4 of a cup of water. No, half a cup of

water. It's better with only three eggs.

And now

1/2 tp of salt,

one te of sugar,

and one capital T of orange liquor.

Now

we blend our batter.

That's a very loud blender.

>> I do want to get some more pictures

before the light goes.

>> Oh, thank you so much for dropping in. I

so seldom have guests.

>> Oh, uh, by the way, uh, did you happen

to talk to Amanda before she died? As a

matter of fact, she phoned me the night

of the murder.

It seems that earlier in the afternoon,

she had mislaid a very expensive diamond

brooch. She wanted to wear it to the

festival, but then later that day, she

discovered she had not mislaid it. It

had been stolen.

>> Stolen?

>> By bastion, Ce said.

>> Oh, dear. Well, you've been very

helpful.

>> Oh, you're welcome.

>> Thank you. [snorts]

Now we refrigerate our mixture for a

couple of hours.

>> A couple of hours. You're sure that's

long enough?

>> That is to allow the flower particles to

expand on the liquid, ensuring a lender

type

a tender light thin crepe. Miss G, at

this point I would accept a chubby crepe

or a obese crepe, but I would like to

accept it now.

>> You command?

I obey.

>> Oh, that's a very loud bird.

Yes. Oh, and Nester.

Yes. The lunchon uh was an occasion.

Yes. Uh of course. Just a minute. It's

her neester for you.

>> Save for the bell.

>> I beg your pard.

>> Probably finished your errands. Will you

drive me back to the city now?

>> Everything is fine, dear. You can let

Michael loose anytime now.

[music]

>> Oh, will you please wait just a minute?

I forgot my car keys. I'll be right

back.

Boy, that's what I call scary. People

trying to make money off a movie like

this.

>> Does your back feel better?

>> Thank you.

Michael,

come in.

>> Michael, what's wrong? You look as

though you'd seen a ghost.

>> I'm sorry to barge in on you like this,

but Well, who knows? They may have men

tailing me at this very moment. thing.

May, what happened?

>> Well, I went to see Shanks to confront

him, to vent my moral outrage. Well, I

had no idea that my moral outrage was so

powerful.

>> He confessed.

>> He died.

>> He died of moral outrage. Michael,

that's impossible.

>> He's dead, ladies. He's dead. And

they'll blame me for it.

>> We must call the police.

>> Oh, I've already done that. I I used an

anonymous voice, a very interesting one.

I raised it an octave. Hello, police. I

want a report. Oh, it was a disaster.

>> I thought what you need is a rest. Now

you're staying here with us.

>> Oh, no. That's not fair. I have no right

to burden you with my manifest problems.

I'll just find some small, inconspicuous

hotel.

>> Oh, nonsense. You're going to stay right

here until it's safe for you to leave.

>> Hide. What?

>> Hide.

>> Just Michael.

>> Come with me, baby. This is getting to

be like that program we were watching.

>> I just got a report on the car radio.

May I come in?

>> Why?

>> It's late, dear. We're very tired.

>> This only take a minute. Shanks is dead.

And a witness on the scene saw a man

fitting Michael's description leaving

the building. Now, it occurred to me

that Michael might try to call you. If

he does, I want your word you'll get in

touch with me immediately. If he calls

us, we definitely will call you.

>> Lieutenant,

>> you're under arrest.

>> Under arrest?

>> Whatever for, Steven.

>> Well, breaking and entering and grand

theft for openers.

>> Grand theft? I'm innocent.

>> Then how come your fingerprints are all

over the inside of Amanda Bastion's

safe?

>> Was something stolen, Steven?

>> A diamond brooch worth $35,000.

>> Well, even if you can prove that Barney

was in the safe, that doesn't

necessarily mean that he stole the

brooch, does it?

>> No. But I'd say it makes him a prime

suspect.

>> Steven, we have a small confession to

make.

>> I thought you might.

>> Barney did open Amanda's safe with

Michael Bastion's permission. You see,

Michael asked us to get Amanda's copy of

the will for verification. And we asked

Barney, but he only took the will,

Steven. Yes, that's all. Certainly not

the brooch.

I'd say you're trying to tell me

something. If I arrest Barney, I have to

arrest the two of you as well.

I'll be in touch.

>> We hope so, dear.

Perhaps dinner tomorrow evening.

>> Perhaps.

>> Very interesting, aren't there?

According to Standish,

Michael stole that brooch the afternoon

of the premiere.

Oh, I hope you'll forgive me. Fear

always makes me hungry. That was your

nephew, the police officer, wasn't it?

>> Yes.

>> Well, I cannot burden you with my

presence. I must think for myself. I

must work this out.

There was a movie in which I was in a

very similar situation. The gallows hang

high. How did I get out of that one?

>> Why? You turned yourself into a bat and

flew over the wall.

>> I did.

>> You'll stay here with us.

>> But there isn't a place for him.

>> Why is the bed in the guest rooms made

up?

>> Oh, you're extraordinarily kind. And

now, if you don't mind, I I think I'll

put me to bed.

>> Of course, Michael.

>> Yes.

>> There's one thing we must ask you.

>> It seems Amanda's brooch was stolen just

before her death. Have you any idea who

could have stolen it?

>> No. None whatsoever. Why is it

important?

>> We're beginning to think so, Michael.

More important than we ever imagined.

Good night.

>> Good night, Ernesta.

G

Barney

to sleep.

The chance to dream. I

There's the rub.

A diamond brooch, cluster of stones,

retail value around 35 G's.

No, I already checked with Omar.

All right. Thanks, Theo. Bye.

>> Well, that's it. The brooch hasn't been

fenced.

>> You know what? I don't understand.

Why would somebody go to all that

trouble to steal something if he had no

intention of selling it?

>> Maybe the thief had bigger ideas, such

as framing Michael for murder.

Now, what if Bastion lifted the brooch

himself? Amanda found out about it and

he had to kill her.

>> That would make him the prime suspect.

>> That point was made by Mr. Stish. I

didn't believe him either. What we've

got to do is find the brooch. Shall we

start with Mr. Sandish?

>> Good morning, dearest ladies.

>> Oh, Michael, can you call Mr. Standish

on a pretext? Tell him it's vital that

you speak with him in person.

>> Why on earth should I do that?

>> Don't ask questions. We're trying to

save your life. Tell him you're in

hiding. You could meet him here. Can you

do it?

>> Oh, ladies, can a hair hide? Can a song

bird sing? Consider it done.

>> No, Barney. No. We'll drive. You take

care of your back. But

>> ladies, you could be in real danger down

there.

>> Not withstandish here. Now, don't worry.

>> What's wrong?

Sh.

You are about to witness one of my

finest performances.

Standish

Bastion here.

Your phone isn't tapped, is it?

Why? You have no idea how cruel that

capriccious lady fate has been. Why

there are men following me at this very

moment. I am a veritable fugitive

pursued by the hounds of injustice.

What? I must talk to you. No, I I can't

leave. Could you come here? The address

is 789 Gary Park.

I'll be waiting for you.

Please hurry.

You are the last hope of a desperate,

haunted man.

[snorts]

Well,

well,

>> I know. I know. I know.

Sometimes

even superlatives seem inadequate.

Taxi.

There's no need to be timid, Barney. The

words aren't important. Was that a

performance?

>> Yeah, it was, Mr. Bastion. And

>> and and go on, boy. Go on.

>> It was the trouble. It was a

performance. It was acting.

>> Of course, it was acting.

>> What I mean, it was too much acting.

>> Too much.

>> No offense, Mr. Bastion, but what if

Stannis didn't believe you? The ladies

could be in real trouble.

>> Of course, he believed me. But what if

he didn't?

>> Are you looking for something, ladies?

>> Oh, Mr. Stefendish.

>> What a coincidence.

>> No, no, no. I don't think so. No, this

seems more like a deliberately conceived

plot to try and trap me.

>> Unfortunately, however, Michael Bastion

is above everything else a lousy actor.

>> I'm afraid we don't have any idea what

you're talking about.

>> Really?

Oh, come on. I think you do.

I think we are talking about this.

I see. You were quite right, Miss Sto.

All the time I had it hidden right here.

And then when Bastion called, I realized

why I was being maneuvered off my own

boat.

>> Why are you telling us all this?

>> Oh, because obviously you have figured

out that I killed Amanda. Now, I simply

cannot have you going around trying to

prove that one way or the other, now,

can I?

I would like to know, though, uh, how

did you know it was me?

We didn't until we began to think of

Amanda's murder and the theft of the

brooch together.

>> You see, very few people would kill to

prevent the discovery of a theft.

>> Unless that discovery would cost them

much, much more. Your inheritance, for

example, $150,000.

>> You must have found an opportunity to

steal Amanda's brooch

>> and then have stolen it, confident that

she would blame it on Michael. But she

realized that you were the thief and

threatened to cut you out of her will.

>> So you murdered her that night at the

festival

>> and then suggested the logical killer

was Michael.

>> And the logical thief was Michael.

>> All of which was very logical,

>> but not very factual.

>> That's marvelous.

That really is marvelous.

It's ironic though. Well, by uh killing

Amanda, I made my mistake, which brought

you here

alone,

which was your mistake.

And I'm afraid it was a fatal one.

>> I'll get it.

You two ladies, you just sit down and

[music] rest. Uh, I am going to cast off

and then we are going to have a nice

little boat trip together. Okay.

Look at that fiend. Drop your weapon.

Kill lover. Oh, you were so right.

Hey.

>> [screaming]

>> Thank you. Bless your little heart.

Thanks so much.

Give me

Michael, you tell him.

>> Yes, Michael. Please do.

>> Officer,

arrest that man.

>> Splendid photo. Michael, you look so

heroic. Michael,

>> you sure you didn't plant that

photographer at the dock just to take

this picture?

>> Sheer coincidence, Lieutenant. Oh,

speaking of coincidence, I got back the

full report on Shank's death. He died of

a coronary before you arrived last

night.

>> And to think that I was convinced that I

had killed him. You know, I still can't

understand why he substituted one of

Amanda's earlier wills for the latest

one, the real one. Surely he didn't want

me to inherit $300,000.

>> No, no, no. On the contrary, you see,

he'd been written out of the latest will

like you. And then the night of the

murder, he substituted the earlier will

and stood to gain $150,000 for himself.

>> God bless you.

>> God bless you, Sundance.

>> Well, my [snorts] career has finally

changed. I've been simply delued with

film office.

>> Ah, how are films making a comeback? Are

they?

>> No, Lieutenant. I am being properly cast

for the first time in my career.

>> As a hero, Steven, no more typ casting

as a villain. Thanks to these lovely

ladies and Barney.

God bless you again. And now I would

like you [snorts] to savor a recipe from

the conten.

And for Barney, [snorts] a dish

guaranteed to chase the worst of coals.

A recipe of my first mother-in-law.

Chicken soup.

>> [laughter]