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Here he is, guys, Russell Peters!

Alright, how you doing?

Alright, look at you, you filthy downloaders!

Look at this audience, man. Everybody. This is cool, man.

Everybody's here. We got...

Clearly we got some Asians in the house.That's uhh...

I saw all the Honda Civics in the parking lot. I knew you were here.

I thought they were shooting "Fast and the Furious part 3" or something.

And the brown bastards. Look at you, huh.

There's a lot of closed motels in town right now, I'll tell you that.

White people, how you doing? White folks, good to see you.

A white guy with a brown girl. Good job, buddy!

Her parents must be so happy!

There's a brown man with a white woman. Nice. See? Balanced.

That's what I'm talking. He's living the American dream.

Or at least the Indian dream.

Indian accent: ''I go to America and I get white woman...''

''I'm ahead of the game.''

Latinos in the house? Where the Latinos at?

Alright, all 6 of you. Good. All right.

How the hell, we're in California, only 6 Latinos showed up.

And black people?

You can clap again. Look at that.

You got both, you're black and latino.

Your credit must suck! I'm just kidding.

It's funny, when I say Asian...

Especially, in America, when I say Asian...

People automatically picture in their head....

Which is messed up. Because India is part of Asia...

And we don't get the same credit.

When I say Asian, people don't go...

We're Asian too, man!

When God was making Asians, he made two types of Asians.

And you guys got first choice on looks.

And you fucked us on the deal.

Chinese accent: ''We'll take eyes!''

''You guys can have noses and hair.''

My people are greedy. We heard, ''Two! Two! We got two! That's a good deal, two!"

Noses and hair!

We didn't know it was gonna be big noses and body hair. That's a shit deal!

We're a hairy race of people, man!

It's hot as hell in India and we're hairy.

Who the hell came up with that deal?

I think the god that was making Indian people was having some sort of practical joke with the other gods.

''Guys, guys, come here. Watch this.''

''Buddha, put down the drink. Come here.''

''Okay look, I'm going to take these people here...''

''And put them in the hottest place in the world.''

''And just for fun...''

''I'll cover them with hair.''

It's hot and we're hairy!

Men and women!

Indian girls getting mad, pulling down their seats...

''I hate this son of a bitch.''

It's okay nowadays if chicks have hair. They can take care of it, know what I mean?

Chicks have hair they don't want, they can get rid of it. All kinds of hair removal methods...

There's waxing, there's electrolysis, there's threading, there's laser hair removal.

They have hair they don't want now...

It's gone.

They're removing it from their assholes now.

How hairy were your assholes before this?

You know what they used to do in the 80's when chicks had hair they didn't want?

They used to bleach it.

I'm like, ''Sweetheart, we don't have a problem with the color of your moustache...''

"It's not like the blond goatee looks better."

And the Asians, they're not hairy at all.

Full hat of hair on their head, and nothing on their body.

Very rarely do you see a bald Asian. Well, unless they shave it off. Know what I mean? But...

You know what's funny, when I say Asian...

People automatically think Chinese.

''Yes, Asians, Chinese. That's all they are. All Asians are Chinese.''

Look at them, yelling out their last name. So proud. That's cool. But uh...

But people do think all Asians are Chinese. That's what they think.

''All Asians are Chinese, they speak and look Chinese. That's what they are, that's what they do.''

That's not the case. There's so many different types of Asians.

Sure, you might not be able to tell right away, by looking at Asian people.

You could take an educated guess, sometimes certain things stand out and you go...

''Aha, I know what kind of Asian you are.''

But if you really wanna learn the differences between different Asian groups,

you can tell by when they speak English. That's how.

Just to get a feel of the Asians that are in the room tonight...

Do we have any Vietnamese people here tonight?

Alright, like one guy hiding upstairs, too.

Any Koreans in the house?

All right, that's two closed dry cleaners. Nice.

Filipinos, where you at? I see you right there.

I knew you guys were Filipino right away 'cause you keep staring at the mic like there's karaoke after the show.

Filipino accent: ''I hope this Bumbay hurry us up with the show please, 'cause...''

''I want to get up there and sing. Putang ina, hurry!''

And Chinese people?

Nice. That's good.

You can tell by when Asian groups speak English. That's how you know where they're from.

For example. Vietnamese people, you can tell they're Vietnamese..

'Cause when they speak English, they speak it really fast.

Like they know it.

But they end up speaking English so fast that it ends up sounding like Vietnamese all over again.

I got cussed out by this Vietnamese guy. This is what he says to me. He goes:

''Fuck you, 'kay? You fucking blowjob!''

He called me a fucking blowjob.

Have you ever been called a blowjob before?

Do you realize that if somebody calls you a blowjob there is not one good comeback...

There is nothing you can say that'll sound cool.

''You fucking blowjob.''

''So are you!''

That's why I like different cultures, you know?

Different words mean different things to them in English, you know what I mean?

I'm from Toronto. In Toronto, there's a Vietnamese restaurant

called, ''Pho Phuc Lai''.

P-H-O, P-H-U-C, L-A-I.

I used to call there as a kid just to have the guy answer the phone.

Doesn't it sound like a whole new level of lying?

''Hey, don't lie! That's a pho-phuc-lai!''

''You fucking blowjob.''

You can tell when Koreans speak English, 'cause when they speak English...

they sound like they're out of breath.

Like just ran a marathon.

''You don't make any jokes about Koreans...''

I learned how to count to six in Korean.

Not impressive, but it beats learning to swear in somebody's language.

Don't get mad, that's the first thing you do when you learn somebody's language. How to curse, right?

Then we get mad when people come here, and the first thing they learn to do is swear at you.

''That's so ignorant. Did you hear him? He walked in the store and went...''

''Hello, you motherfucker.''

That's what he learned.

I learned how to count to 6. Not being a dick, I learned from my dry cleaner.

I did. I'd drop my shirts off. She'll count them and then I'll count along with her.

I did. Here, I'll count to six. Ready?

Are you Jewish?

You can tell when Chinese people are speaking English. When Chinese people speak English...

It sounds like they're chopping vegetables with the words.

''Don't say nothing bad''.

Don't say nothing what? "Bad!"

How did you just make a short word even shorter?

I learned about the cultures because I travel around.

I did shows in Vietnam a few years ago. I had a good time in Vietnam. Vietnam was a great place.

Hot as hell in Vietnam.

When an Indian guy tells you it's hot, trust me, it was hot.

Good place, nice people.

I didn't know until I went to Vietnam, that you could actually use a scooter as a minivan.

I didn't know.

You'll see an entire family on a scooter.

Like dad will sit here, right, and leave a little piece of seat...

And a small child will sit there.

And then another small child will stand in front.

And then mom will sit off to the side in the back like that.

And then another kid will sit off to the side this way.

And one more kid will face that way.

And there'll be 3 more kids doing back-flips while they're just driving down the street.

Like if you saw that here, that'd be stuff you'd see at like the circus.

It'd be like, "Do not attempt to do this at home. These are professional stunt drivers."

And it'd be like six white guys driving all careful.

In Vietnam, like the entire family. Dad's weaving in and out of traffic...

Mom's on the back, eating...

Good place, Vietnam. And if there's any other reason to go to Vietnam, I'll tell you. For their money.

The money there is dope. Know what it's called? "Dong."

That's the name of their money. Dong.

It's worth going there just to have a woman you don't know walk up to you and go:

''Excuse me, sir. Could you give me some dong?''

''Yes, I can.''

''Would you like some schlong with that dong?''

I love that term "schlong". Doesn't it sound gross?

White guys came up with that term for sure, right?

''Hey dude, there I was when I whipped out my schlong.''

Schlong. Sounds wet.

I don't even have a schlong, I got a schlort.

Hey dude, the show's up here, okay?

I'm not a piece of meat.

Went to China last year. Chinese people, where are you? Right there?

- You Chinese too, bro? - Yeah.

He looked upset about that.

He was like, "Yeah."

''I tried to do this a lot but it doesn't work.''

''Now I'm a porish.''

- What's your name, Chinese guy? - Vincent.

That's what I thought when I looked at you. I'm like, ''That guy there is Vincent''.

- Do you have a Chinese name, Vincent? - Yeah.

What is it, Vincent?

Woah, slow down, hammer. I'm not Chinese.

You ain't gotta say it all proper for me, like....

Oh, really?

Say it again, Vincent. Go ahead, buddy.

You just made shit up. I can tell right there.

He was like swallowing or something.

And you're Chinese as well? What's your name?

- Catherine. - Catherine, yes. Absolutely.

"You know those Chinese couple's Catherine and Vincent?"

Do you have a Chinese name too, Catherine?

Is yours as confusing as Vincent's? What is it, go ahead.

Do I like your what?

Tits?

That sounds sexy, man.

That's one of those names you could brag about to your friends.

If I'd say, yeah man, I banged this chick named Catherine. My friends are like,''Who cares."

But, yo, I banged this chick named....

''Did you videotape that shit?''

"That is exotic!"

Where are your families from?

The bay area.

Bay area. That's what I thought when I looked at you.

But before that?

Hong Kong.

China. Mainland.

What part? You don't know?

Just accepted it at face value?

- ''Mom, Dad, where are you from?" - "China."

- ''What part?'' - ''Downtown.''

''Downtown, China. Okay Catherine, no more questions.''

Can you speak Mandarin or Cantonese?

Cantonese. So they're from obviously a Cantonese part of Mainland China. See?

See how I did it?

And obviously you speak Cantonese, right Vincent?

'Cause your parents are from Hong Kong. See I know the difference.

People don't. People think, "Oh, Chinese people speak Chinese."

It's pretty ignorant because there's no language called Chinese.

It's like when people come to me like, ''Hey Russell, how do you say 'hi' in Indian?"

I'm like, there's no language called Indian so I don't know what you're asking me.

''Alright, smartass.''

''How do they say hello in India?''

Like this: "Hellooo!!!"

Just to clear it up if you don't know. There's two main languages in the Chinese culture.

Cantonese and Mandarin, and they have a bunch of like small village languages that even

other Chinese people'll go, "I don't know what she's saying."

And Cantonese, they speak in Hong Kong, for the most part.

And in Mainland China, around Beijing and those areas, they speak Mandarin.

If you're picturing someone speaking Chinese in your head, and it sounds really funny,

you're picturing Cantonese.

Because Cantonese is the funnier sounding out of the two languages, isn't it?

It's the more flamboyant. The one with the extended sounding words.

When I was in Hong Kong, I heard people speak Cantonese and that was the funniest shit I've heard in my life.

Sometimes, they speak and it sounds like they're falling off a cliff, you know?

And if you're not familiar with their language, we wouldn't even know if somebody wasn't speaking it proplerly.

I wouldn't even know if a guy was stuttering when he's speaking Cantonese.

He could be stuttering his ass off, we wouldn't know.

You just walk right on him, "That guy is speaking his ass off over there!''

But Cantonese is the more fun sounding language.

When I was in Hong Kong, I woke up one morning in the hotel. I was yawning.

And I'm walking through the lobby. Apparently I said some shit in Chinese, I had no clue.

I'm walking through, and I was like...

And the hotel manager was there, like, "Hey, asshole! You don't swear in the hotel, okay?"

''You watch your mouth! Be a man!''

But it's a very fun sounding language.

Now Mandarin, which they speak in Beijing. And I had a chance to go to Mainland China last year.

I learned the differences between the two, and I'm helping you with it right now.

Now you know what Cantonese sounds like, you'll know right away if someone speaks Mandarin 'cause

it's way different. It sounds way more chilled out, bit more relaxed.

It sonds a bit more aggressive, 'cause it sounds like they're grinding their teeth when they're speaking.

Especially in Beijing, when they talk...

''Sure, you son of a bitch!''

But it's very different!

You know when you speak in English we have words that we use to stall till we get to the next word. Little

shit words that we'll shove in, words like....

Just little crappy words that we'll shove in 'till we're thinking up the next word.

To stall.

In Mandarin, they have one word that they love to use, and it sounds really messed up in English.

You know what I'm saying, this Chinese's like: ''I know. I know the word.''

So you know I'm not making it up, right? This is their word.

All I hear when I'm in Beijing, people talking around me, I hear around me, is uhh...

That's their word!

Now this is a true story.

I was at KFC in Beijing.

'Cause I went to China, to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, right? So...

I'm standing in line, and standing in line in front of me, is a black woman.

I did not put her there.

She was there. I swear, you can't make this shit up.

I'm standing in line, there's this black woman standing in line in front of me...

The only black woman in China...

And she found the chicken. That's all I'm saying, alright?

I don't make the stereotypes. I just see them.

I'm standing in line, there's a black woman standing in front of me...

And she's a Nigerian woman. I know she's Nigerian 'cause she's having a tough time with the menu,

and she keeps looking at me. "I don't know what to order."

I'm like, "Look at the menu!"

I said, "You should try the popcorn (cluck)ken."

So we're standing in line, right...

And this little Chinese kid runs in with his mom.

And he runs to the front of the counter. And he's looking at the menu trying to figure out what he wants to eat.

Now his mom's standing over there, and the Nigerian woman's standing right here. And he's

trying to tell his mom what he wants but he's not really sure.

So all you see happening is....

And the Nigerian woman looks to me like I'm supposed to beat the shit out of this kid, right?

''Why don't you hit him?''

Here's a straw, get him yourself!

I had a good time in China. What sucked though,

when I went to China, the airline lost my suitcase on the way there.

On the way.

How do you lose shit on the way to somewhere?

I get to China. I have nothing with me, right?

'Cause they lost my suitcase.

I get to China, all I have with me was my handluggage, and

all I packed was a portable DVD player, a Diskman, some Cds, Dvds, some magazines.

For a long trip like that, I wanna be entertained. And then

my underwear, and my socks, and my toothbrush, and my deodorant...

My deodorant...

will be in my suitcase, which will meet me in China.

Which, never met me in China.

And I gotta be honest with you. As a brown man...

We need our deodorant, all right?

Don't give me the look, 'cause you know you need it.

''No, no, I'm good. I just showered. I'm good.''

No, no, no, you need the fucking deodorant, alright?

Beacuse the rumors are already---

People already said, "Indian people stink."

Indian people don't stink. Let me tell you what happens to my people.

We expire, quicker than other people.

And after 25 hours on a plane, I was thoroughly expired.

I stunk so bad, I walked through the airport in Beijing. Chinese people are going, ''God, you stink!''

''You from India.''

I'm from Canada.

That's how Canadians smell.

So now, I have a show that night, and I have no clothes. And I'm wearing

sweatpants, sweatshirt, baseball hat, running shoes--- I'm dressed for comfort.

I can't go on stage like that so I have to go to this mall in Beijing to buy some clothes.

I didn't know this 'till I got there, but apparently in China, I'm Shaquille O'Neal.

I got to the mall, I walk into the store, I'm like:

''Hey do you have a 10 and a half, 11 on those shoes?''

''No. How 'bout a 8?''

''How about I can't negotiate my footsize with you? How 'bout that!''

''How about a 36 on those pants?''

''36? Is too big!''

''You're too fat.''

''Lose some weight, fatboy!''

''Come back when you 30, 32 the most.''

How can I not find clothes in China? Isn't everything made there?

All in all, a good trip, though.

Did so much travelling, my passport expired. Last summer I had to renew

my passport. I don't know in America, but in Canada,

on your new passport photos, you're not allowed to smile.

That's the new rule: you're not allowed to smile. This is their way of fighting terrorism.

This is how they're gonna catch the terrorist. You can't smile.

That's the message they're sending. If you're travelling, you'd better not be happy.

I didn't know right. I'm in the mall, I walk in one of those

those places that says "we do passport photos" I walk in,

I'm like, yo, I need some passport photos. The guy goes: "No problem buddy. Sit down.''

Which really pissed me off, 'cause he was a white guy, and I don't know why he was talking like that.

I think he was mocking me.

So I sit down. The guy goes, "you ready?", I go, yeah. It's a picture,

and I'm a happy guy, so I figure, alright.

And I smile. I'm like this:

Guy goes: "Sir, sir, your lips need to be touching."

All right.

''Sir. Sir, you can't smile.''

Not like that I can't smile, of course.

This is how they really think they're gonna find the terrorists, by

making you not smile.

You wanna find the terrorists? Make everybody smile.

And the people that don't wanna smile, question them.

Whenever you're watching CNN, and they show you the terrorist that they're looking for, and

those guys are happy? Never.

You never see a shot of a terrorist standing around, going:

There's never the one joker terrorist guy with his thumb on the detonator,

''I'll do it! I'll do it! You flinched, you bastard, I saw you flinch.''

So I wasn't allowed to smile. So now,

if it wasn't bad enough, being a brown man, going through the airports, now when I

give 'em my passport, I look pissed off.

My picture in my passport's like this:

Picking my passport, ''Mr. Peters. Step this way, please. A few words with you."

It's hard, man. Security in the airport, customs, immigration...

They really need to learn the difference between a terrorist and an Indian.

We're not the same!

We're not from the same part of the world, we don't speak the same language,

we don't eat the same food, we don't even hate the same people!

Terrorists hate Americans.

Indians hate each other.

A terrorist will blow up an airport.

Indians like to work at the airport.

''That would be counter-productive.''

And I know a lot of white people are nervous about flying nowadays.

I understand to a certain degree. I had one white dude come up to me, goes:

''No man. I don't fly anymore."

''You never know when shit's gonna go down up there."

''What? Nothing's going down up there, dude.''

''Yeah, well, you never know.''

And I understand. I know you panicked a little bit.

But think about it reasonably. Think about it logically.

Think about what airline you're getting on, where you're getting on the plane, where you're flying to.

That all factors in to your terrorist theory.

I was on a Jet Blue flight.

See? Jet Blue is funny enough.

I was on a Jet Blue flight from Buffalo, New York to LaGuardia.

It was like a 30-seat plane.

My God, my indian turrets is acting up.

30-seat plane.

We all go through it.

So I get on board this little plane,

it's a 45 minute flight. I walk on board, this older white lady sees me, grabs her bag, and goes:

"Oh, my God!"

I'm like, "what?!''

You think I'm a terrorist?! On friggin' Jet Blue?

What am I, the low self- esteemed terrorist?

"Yeah, I don't wanna kill a lot of us today..."

"I thought I'd start off with 30. Tomorrow, SouthWest!"

Just think about it logically, you know?

I remember I was on a flight like two weeks after 9/11. I sat down

beside this white guy, he almost shit his pants.

I sat down, the guy's like this:

About half an hour into the flight, I reached for my bag, the guy goes...

"Oh, my God! No!"

I'm like, "Relax, you jackass!"

Just getting my Diskman.

Got to listen to my instructions.

I'm glad Latinos are here, man. All six of you.

You full Latino? You half? What are you?

He does this. Half. That's half.

That's how you cut 'em.

What are you, what's your mix?

Puerto Rican and black.

That's not far off. They're from New York, your parents?

One is? Which one?

Puerto Rican?

Puerto Rican and black. That's cool, man.

We don't have any Puerto Ricans in Canada.

We don't have any Mexicans. Any Mexican people here?

You? One guy's like...

Are you full Mexican? Nice.

What's your name?

Jose? Wow.

Just in case we didn't believe him.

I like Mexicans. But there's no Mexicans in Canada either, man.

No Mexicans in Canada.

You should see how messed up our lawns are.

All of sudden, everybody got sensitive! "Oh. Hey, that's not--"

''Everybody else is fine but you don't say shit about the lawn!''

Funny how defensive they got for you. See that, Jose?

They got your back!

No Mexicans. I wish we got Mexicans.

We got Latinos. We got a lot of South Americans.

All the Chileans. All the Uruguay. All the soccer countries. We got all of them.

But see I'm living in LA now. In LA, there's a lot of Mexicans.

One of my good friends, Jesus...

It's just cool to hang around a guy named Jesus.

- "Who's your friend?" - ''The son of God!''

I like hangin' around with Jesus, man. 'Cause Mexican---

Latinos in general are very proud people.

You don't ever mess up anything Spanish around them. They get very upset, like

you're supposed to know how they say their shit.

I'm like, Jesus I'm gonna go get a burito, man.

''It's burriiito.''

I'm sorriito, okay?

The Latinos in Canada try and play that, see,

The Mexican cats in LA, a lot of them play that hardcore Cholo thing, that whole gangster thing,

''Hey, esse. I wanna talk to you for a minute, eh, fucker?''

They play it hard, you know? They got that intensity about them.

Even Jesus approached me,

''Hey Russell, lemme talk to you for a second, eh?''

What did I do?

''Nothing. I'm just saying 'hi'''

Damn, Jesus. You wanna relax a bit?

The Latinos in Canada, South American guys, they play that whole smooth Latin lover shit all the time.

Too much, to the point like, where they're trying to seduce everybody all the time.

I went to this Spanish club in Toronto, this girl goes:

''Oh, Russell, I want you to meet Fernando.''

This guy turns around and goes, "Ola."

''I am Fernando.''

I'm like, "You wanna put your cock away, Fernando? I'm just trying to shake your hand buddy."

Not that kind of party.

But I like the Latinos. 'Cause you know why?

They can have the most normal accent in the world, but the minute

they start saying like a South American country, it sounds like they

just stepped off a boat a second ago.

-Hey, where ya from? - ''Well I'm from here, but my family's from Ecuador.''

What the hell happened to you just now?

And the more Spanish countries they say, the more it sounds like they're going deaf, you know?

''I'm from Ecuador, this is my friend from Nicaragua.''

''He's from Guatemala. Uruguay.''

''Peru, Peru.''

I like cultural names. Cultural names are really cool.

I don't have a cultural name. And Indian people, for some reason have a real tough time with this,

but my real name is Russell Peters.

Both my parents are from India, and that's the name they gave me.

Russell Dominic--- look at you dumb motherfuckers right there!

Do you know Indian history at all?

No you don't. You know why? I can tell he doesn't know Indian history.

The British were there, for 400 years. You don't think they fucked 1 or 2 of us?

If they can steall all our jewelry, they can bang 1 or 2 of us.

That's my real name. Both my parents are from India,

and they named me Russell Dominic Peters.

Dominic. I got an Italian middle name.

'Cause my parents are from that Italian part of India.

Calcutta. You know that part there.

Got a problem with my name? Talk to my parents.

Eric and Maureen.

And my brother Julio.

If I had an Indian name I'd wear it proudly.

If I had it, I'd rock it. Very proudly.

What's your name Mr. India over there?

Anit?

See? That's "a neat" name

Jose, that's the equivalent, right there.

"Anit Patel."

"That's my brother, "A messy" Patel".

"That's my big brother, "A slob".

Do you know what your name means?

Nope?

So sure that this wasn't my name but I have no clue what your name means. I don't know what it means either.

I know what my name means. Russell. It sucks. You know what it means?

"To make a noise."

A shit name, a shit joke. What do you want?

I like the Indian names. I think they're cool, they have

deep meanings to them, they have long history behind them.

What's your name, my little seat brother right there?

Prabjolt?

Not Prabchold?

That would just be rude, I guess at that point, wouldn't it?

That would make his name Prab-fuck.

Prabjolt.

Good, solid Indian name.

You know what your name means?

See? He knows what his name means.

What does it mean, Prab?

"God's essence."

What's your sister's name? Herbal essence?

''Your sister smells great!''

''That's just Herbal.''

Herbaljolt.

God's essence. That's dope, man.

I think a lot of Indian names are really cool, but--

I think a lot of cultural names are cool.

But if you have a cultural name, and you're gonna move from another country, to America,

think about what that name means in English before you move here.

Think about how it's gonna affect your life.

'Cause some Indian names are really good, some are really cool and mean a lot.

But they're really good in India.

When they come here with those names, it just doesn't cross over very well.

I met an Indian dude, and you know this is a real name 'cause he was one of your people,

I met an Indian guy, I swear to God, his real name was Sukhdeep.

Sukhdeep.

Could you imagine living your life with a name like Sukhdeep?

Somebody's looking for you one day...

''You Sukhdeep?''

''Well, sometimes, if I have to.''

''I don't really like it, though.''

And obviously it's not pronounced "suck deep" in my culture, you know.

But if you were to read it, that's how you'd read it. It's spelled S-U-K-H-D-E-E-P.

The 'H' doesn't help.

'Cause now it sounds even worse.

''Come here, SukHHHdeep.''

And I used to think Sukhdeep was like the funniest Indian name I ever heard.

Then a few months ago I was at DC, and I met this Indian dude, and I shit you not,

the guy's real name was Hardik.

H-A-R-D-I-K.

Who the hell names a kid Hardik?

''Come on, Hardik. Pull up your pants. Stop that. It's not nice."

Hardik.

How could you not get into a career of porn with a name like Hardik?

What if Hardik and Sukhdeep became best friends?

You're Punjab. You know what I'm saying. You guys crossed the line with the names.

I met an Indian girl named Ramindeep.

''Hey, get in there and Ramindeep.''

Sure it's not pronounced like that but it sounds funnier when you say Ramindeep.

Just think, you know.

Many Indian people can't wrap their head around my name.

I don't know why it's that difficult. It's very simple.

Just go read a history book, and it'll all make sense to you.

And Indian people always get the worst about it.

When white people hear Russell Peters: "Okay."

They don't have a problem. They don't get it.

''Maybe he's from the South. I don't know what he is."

''You're not Christian, are you?''

- Yes, I am. - From the South?

Not from the South. See, I'm not one of them.

I know what you're thinking. I'm not one of them.

Those were converts. I was mixed.

We don't know when the mix happened.

It just happened. We're a long line of us.

Indian people are the worst.

Tell my name to a white guy, ''Hey, Russell Peters, nice to meet you.''

Indian people are the first one to question.

And when they try to get information out of you, they're the worst at it.

They're not very convincing. You can always tell when they're trying to convince you to tell something.

When they're trying to convince you, they give you this look like they're taking a shit.

They sound like this:

''Russell?''

''Russell?''

That's what they do. They're not very convincing people.

Parents are the worst. White parents are very direct.

We have white parents. There you go, white guy.

What's your name, buddy?

Steve, just in case... wow.

Welcome to Stereotype Night. This is....

Steve, Jose and Anit Patel.

White parents are very direct. They want their kids to do something,

''Steve, come here and clean up your room.''

Tell you right away.

Indian parents feel the need to convince their kids to do things.

And if they don't make the shit face, they'll take one word and make it sound convincing.

''Russell, come.''

''Come.''

''Come.''

That's their convincing sound. Take one word and extend....

You can only imagine the arranged marriage on the wedding night.

They're gonna consummate the first day they met?

''Are we going to have sex?"

''Sex?''

''Doggy style?''

''Doggy?''

Immigrant parents have a tendency to embarass their kids, don't they?

Yeah, they do. They just do shit.

When family comes over. That's when they embarass you.

You can try to be as hardcore as you want. But the minute your family come over, it's over.

Filipinos, you know what I'm saying.

You guys always have that shit happen to you.

Filipino accent: ''Show Tito Rey how you sing. Show him."

''Jun, come here and show Tito Rey your songs."

''Sing the songs for Tito Rey.''

''See, he's so good. So good.''

Indian parents do that, too.

I remember when I was like 14, I used to Breakdance.

Yeah, I did!

I was like, all the time...

That was me back in the day, man!

I remember I was 14, I'd be out here all day, "Come on, we're gonna break!"

And when my family come over, I didn't wanna break in front of my family.

My dad was like, ''Come, Russell, show uncle how you dance.''

''Show uncle how you dance!''

- ''I don't wanna show him...'' - ''Show him how you dance.''

And you're standing like an asshole.

And your uncle's like, "Oh that's very good. Is he retarded? I can't tell what's happening."

Just embarass you, man.

That was a lot of energy.

Anybody here from England? Any British people in the house?

Look at that. Nice, you imported your white meat. Nice job, sir.

Where you from? Are you from England?

What part?

Bedford.

Bedford, she said it so nicely.

I like the English accent sometimes.

But I really think it's the only accent in the world you can't do without making a ridiculous face everytime you do it.

''Yes, good evening. I'm from England.''

''I'm from England.''

Sometimes English people are okay. Sometimes you get arrogant, English people, you know?

You wanna mess with English people?

Next time you meet someone from England, and they tell you where they're from, act like you've never heard of it.

They get pissed off!

''That's an interesting accent. Where are you from?''

''I'm from England..''

''I'm sorry, where?''

''England.''

''I've never heard of it.''

''England?''

''Little island beside Europe.''

''Is that your Miami?''

''England, you bloody fool!''

''I believe you're speaking our language.''

''I'm speaking English, dude. I don't know what the hell you're speaking right now.''

''England.''

It looks ugly sometimes. I think that's why English guys don't get laid a lot.

Women don't want that pounding them.

''What a delightful feeling!''

''That is smashing!''

''Oh, my God! I'm arriving!''

How long have you been in America for?

12, 13 years?

And you guys met in England, obviously 'cause he's a brown man.

Because England has the largest population of Indian people outside of India.

It's true, they're all there.

And the British are so pissed off that we're there.

They're mad that there're so many of us.

As a brown man, when I walk around England I can feel it, hear them under their breath,

''Go home, you brown bastards.''

And they're mad that there's so many Indian people there.

That's not our fault. That's the British peoples' fault. You guys started it.

You went to India first. We didn't ask you to come over.

1600s, they just showed up.

They stayed for 400 years.

1947, they just got up and left. We're like, "No, no, no, wait, we're coming with you."

''You can't just come here and leave.''

''What the hell are you going to eat?''

''Coming. Come.''

My white American friends, I, uhh... Steve, your family's from America?

And you're married to the brown girl, right?

How long you guys been married for?

11 years. Nice.

What's funny, nowadays, 11 years is wow. Back in the day, "What, 11? That's it?"

Now it's like, wow, you've made it.

Three kids. Nice, little beige babies.

Good job, huh.

Indian women are good. They're sexy, right? Spicy.

If you're going down on her, take a glass of water. That's all I'm saying, man.

My white American friends, I'm here to tell you something, alright?

I like you.

And I'm not just saying that to say it. I'm telling you for a reason.

Because I think white folks have really done some major things in the past 30 years.

They've really taken some strides.

And I feel bad for them, too. Because white people,

all non-white people in the world have white folks convinced,

that they're racist.

We have them so scared to notice anything of color.

That they're afraid to describe things accurately now.

I was working at this comedy club,

one of my black friends came down to hang out with me, and the doorman comes up and goes,

''Hey, Russell, one of your friends came by.''

- Was it a black guy? - "I don't know."

''I didn't notice.''

''What do you mean you didn't notice?''

''What'd he look like?'' - ''He was tall.''

''Curly hair.''

- What was his name? - ''Leeroy.''

Was he black?

''He could be. I mean, maybe. If you say he's black, maybe he was.''

We got white people so scared to describe things with color,

we got them so convinced that they're racist, it's awful.

Because white people will never be as racist as we are.

Not in your life!

White folks can never be that racist.

Indian people, Asians, we're all very racist.

Every group is racist.

White folks will see a group of Indian people, be like: ''Look at those Indian people, probably all happy together.

And you get in that group, we're like: ''Hey, you're from India? I'm from India, What part?''

''Oh not that part. Go to hell, you bloody bastard.''

Every group does it.

Asians all do it.

''I'm Chinese. You Chinese? Where you from? I'm from Tung Chao..."

''So stupid.''

''Don't talk to me, asshole.''

Every culture does it. It's so bizarre.

White folks don't have that problem.

White guy see another white guy: "Hey, where you from?'' -''I'm from Tennessee, you?''

''I'm from New York.'' - ''Ok, let's go have a drink.''

Hey, another white guy.

White people, it's okay to be proud of yourselves.

It's not a bad thing.

Sometimes you get carried away, and light crosses and wear pointy white hats.

But you should draw the line somewhere before that.

But white people, you really have changed things for yourselves for the past 30 years.

You've very graciously let immigrants into your country.

I mean, the country you took, but whatever.

Sure, sure, you have a bad history.

Sure, you stole some land. Big deal.

Tried to wipe out a whole race of people, no problem.

You brought people in from Africa, and fucked them over. Big deal.

But, you know, let's forget about all that.

We're in the 21st century now.

It's time to move on.

I'm glad that you stole this land.

Know why? 'Cause Christopher Colombus was looking for my land.

You know Christopher Colombus, your great discoverer.

He was looking for India when he found North America.

That jackass was lost!

He wasn't even at the right part of the world!

And he knew this wasn't India.

But why do you think the native people here were called Indians?

'Cause he didn't want to look stupid in front of his crew. He was like:

''Fellas, that must be India.''

''And those must be Indians.''

Meanwhile we're standing on the shores of India going, "Where the hell is Chris?''

''Son of a bitch is late.''

But white folks have been very gracious, they've opened up their borders, and let the immigrants in.

And they didn't ask questions. They're like,

''Come on in, immigrants. Come to America with us. Settle down and be an American, don't worry about it.''

And we all came in. White people were nice.

''Thanks, thanks for coming.''

''Sit down, have a seat.''

And you did it very graciously. You never asked questions, never said,

"What do you want here? You need to get out.'' Never did that.

"Come on in. Sit down. Be one of us.''

And they did it very nicely.

And you look at the immigrants. And say, "Look at those immigrants. So happy to be here."

You think that the immigrants, 'cause they're all smiling, wave,

''Hello, Mr. American. How are you?''

''Good day, sir.''

And then you don't realize that every immigrant that's ever come to this country comes to America

and talks shit about you.

Every immigrant. Doesn't matter where they come from.

They can come from Europe, Asia, Africa, doesn't matter. The immigrants

come here and they talk shit behind an American's back.

And I don't like it, 'cause I was born in North America so it pisses me off.

But they all do it, all say the same thing. Very irritating.

You came from England, and you probably said it too. And you're a white lady. See?

Even white people do it. See what I mean?

But every immigrant that comes, you know the first thing they do?

''Americans have no culture.''

That's the first thing. My dad used to say:

''These bloody Americans have no culture.''

Dad they have culture, they have their own thing going on,

which makes it part of their culture,

which means they have culture.

''No, what is their culture? Show me. What?''

''Hamburgers and hottogs is not culture.''

''First of all, hamburgers and what?''

''Hottogs.''

''What the hell's a hottog?''

''You know, hottogs.''

''You mean, hotdogs?''

''Don't try and give it a fancy name now, ok?''

But white people, it's not fair that immigrants come here and tell you that you have no culture.

Because you do have things in your culture.

Black American culture's very distinct.

You can look at them and go, "That's black American culture. They don't need to prove anything.''

But the white folks always have something to prove.

And I'm telling you you do have culture. And it all boils down to music.

When it comes down to music, white folks you have your own thing going on.

And it's not like we didn't enjoy your culture, too. We enjoyed it, but you, more than we did, made it yours.

White folks love certain songs that we all enjoyed. But white people took it to another level.

White folks tend to like the songs that are like, audience participation, you know?

That they don't have to do a lot.

''Just gotta follow that guy? That's perfect. Look at that.''

'Cause the jokes already out that white people can't dance.

That's not true. That's not fair. White people can dance.

You just choose to do too many dances at the same time.

That's where the problems kick in.

You can't salsa and do the running man. It just doesn't look right, alright.

But white folks generally love the audience participation songs.

And we enjoy them, too. The "Macarena''.

It started off as a Latino thing but then white people got a hold of it and really ran with it.

They took it and made it theirs.

We all did the Macarena, but white people took it to another level.

That's the white people's dance.

Good on you, whiteys. Enjoy yourselves.

I like to watch them enjoy themselves like that.

When they hear their music that they like, they get this joyous look in their eyes.

I love to see people enjoy themselves like that.

There's certain songs. The Macarena, the Chicken Dance.

That's the white people's song.

You know the Chicken---

You losers!

No, we're gonna stick with the Chicken Dance for now.

I like the Chicken Dance.

You ever go to a white wedding and they play the Chicken Dance?

The minute they play the Chicken Dance, that's how you know the dance floor's open.

'Cause white people lose their minds. The bridesmaids---

And the song's tricky 'cause it gets faster.

You never know what's gonna happen next.

And there's the song that I believe was like the white people's national anthem, you know?

I was walking down Sunset Boulevard...

...in Los Angeles.

And there was this nightclub playing this song.

And it was playing it really loud you could hear it on the street.

And white people were walking by and driving by, and they stopped dead in their tracks...

...to do the ''Y. M. C. A.''

White people lose their mind when they hear the Y.M.C.A.

Stopped their cars in the middle of Sunset Boulevard,

got out of thier car, and didn't do it half-assed, they weren't like...

They were like this:

People are honking their horn, "Move it!"

''Go around, asshole! I'm doing the Y.M.C.A over here!''

And everybody was doing it and I saw how much joy was in their eyes.

And I felt so good for the white people at that time.

I saw how much they were enjoying themselves, and I'm like,

''Yes, white people! Have fun!''

And I felt good for you.

And then I started to feel bad.

Not for you.

But for me. And my people.

And other Asian groups.

Because our alphabet...

...is not set up for songs like that.

There's never gonna be a Chinese version of the Y. M. C. A.

Thank you very much, San Francisco. Good night.

Russell Peters, ladies and gentlemen!

Russell Peters!

I think they want some more, do you want more?

He can't hear you!

Here he is guys, Russell Peters!

Since this is gonna be for DVD release,

and for Comedy Central,

I don't know if this part will be on Comedy Central, but this will definitely be on the DVD.

And it's probably the last time I'll do this joke, 'cause I'm retiring it after this.

No, no, no, you can have it on DVD, you cheap bastards!

Now listen, when this DVD comes out, I don't want

you motherfuckers to go and upload it and

start downloading this shit for free, all right?

I know how you are. Please!

Go and buy this.

This comes out, buy this one.

There's gotta be a way to make it unuploadable.

One of you bastards works in IT. I know you do.

She says, ''Oh, I do, I do!''

''That's me!''

I'm gonna do this right now for you.

White folks, I hope you've enjoyed yourselves tonight so far...

Now I've talked about white people a lot already.

But I gotta talk to you a little bit more. 'Cause...

Because I gotta talk to you about your parenting skills.

Everytime I see it on the news, I get really irritated, when I hear the,

''You shouldn't beat your children. Don't beat your kids. Talk to them."

''Give them a time-out.''

Beat the motherfuckers. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

White folks, please beat your children.

'Cause non-white parents will beat their kids.

Your dad's Puerto Rican, your mom's black, they must've whooped your ass for no reason sometimes, huh?

''Hey son, come here.''

"What's that for?''

''I know you did some shit when I wasn't here.''

Mexican parents...

Indian parents aren't afraid to kill their kids if they have to.

We're the 2nd largest population in the world.

Reproduction's not a big deal.

My dad's theory was:

''If I get rid of one, I'll just make another one."

''Then I'll tell the new one what an idiot the last one was."

You've gotta beat your kids, folks. Please.

And I know a lot of white people don't beat them and I don't understand why.

Please beat them. If you have kids, and you haven't beaten them,

when you go home tonight,

shit, when you turn off this DVD, I want you to go into your kids' room, and...

''Hey, buddy, how you doing? Hey, sleeping.''

He's already lying down, he'll sleep it off. Don't worry about it, alright?

You gotta beat them. And I'll tell you why:

Because white kids are now going to school with black kids,

and brown kids, and Asian kids.

They're going to school with multi-cultural kids.

And all those kids get beaten.

And they'll all be hanging on the playground. Having fun.

And they'll be talking about the ass-whooping they got last night.

Black kid: ''My dad beat my ass!"

Indian kid: "My dad beat my ass, too.''

Asian kid: "I got my ass whooped.''

Do you want that white kid to feel left out?

Beat him. So he's not a social outcast.

White kid: ''I got sent to my room.''

Other kids: ''You got a room?''

Beat them. And I'll tell you why you need to beat them, why else?

Because...

When white kids hang around with non-white kids,

we tend to look at them for advice.

And it could get us murdered if we listened to their fucked up advice.

On how to deal with our parents.

I remember I was 10 years old, I hung around this little white kid Ryan.

Ryan's parents never beat him

and they never even yelled at him. He could do anything he wanted

and nothing was gonna happen to him.

But he was an angry kid.

He was walking through his house after school one day, his mom goes:

''Ryan, go clean your room.''

''Fuck you, bitch!''

His mom goes, "What am I gonna do with him?"

Beat his ass!

I go, Ryan, you can't talk to your mom like that.

''Yes I can, she's a fucking idiot!''

Don't say that, man. She'll hit you.

''No she won't. She's not allowed to.''

What are you talking about, dude?

My parents hit me.

''Well, next time they try it, you tell them to fuck off.''

Are you sure?

''Trust me. It works for me.''

So I went home.

For the last time.

Walked in the house, my dad goes,

''Russell, come and do the dishes.''

Fuck you, Dad!

''What the hell did you just say to me?''

''Do I look like Ryan's mum?''

''Somebody gonna get-a hurt real bad.''

That was my dad's threat.

Right before he beat me, every single time.

" Russell! Somebody gonna get-a hurt real bad.''

I hated that threat.

You know why? 'Cause he'd always say somebody.

He'd never tell you it was you.

I mean you knew it was you.

But he'd give you this hope.

''Russell! Somebody gonna get-a hurt real bad.''

''Somebody.''

''I'm not gonna say who.''

''I think you might know him very well!''

I'm in the back praying I hope it's my brother, man.

''Please beat Julio's ass.''

I saw that little brat Ryan at school a few days later. I was like,

Yo! Your little plan almost got me killed. He goes,

''Sorry dude, I forgot to tell you the other part.''

''If he's still gonna hit you, threaten to phone child services.''

Why?

'''Cause if you phone child services, they'll come and take your dad away,

and he'll get in trouble. You won't even have to call. Just pretend.''

''It'll scare the shit out of him.''

You're 10 years old, you figure out how to scare the shit out of your dad?

That's like finding Kryptonite!

Thought I'd try it. I was about to get my next beating. I stopped my dad to go,

Don't do it!

I'll phone child services.

You ever had your parents call your bluff?

"You'll do what?"

I'll phone child services.

''Is that right?''

''Well, let me get you the phone, tough guy!''

What are you doing?

If I phone child services, you'll get in trouble!

''I might get into a little bit of trouble.''

''But I know that it's going to take them 22 minutes to get here.''

''In that time...''

''Somebody gonna get-a hurt real bad!''

Thank you very much! Good night!

Subtitle by Nickoteen