Original subtitles

The Argyle is having a few tiny financial issues.

When my father started this place,

do you think he was thinking about money?

When I do iron out these tiny financial issues,

I get my job back, and Ryan does too?

That Scott guy, you know he's like a cult leader, basically?

He's not a cult leader. He's a gymfluencer.

You have a very tight, trapped energy.

Yeah! She's got no access to her emotions.

Caitlen Allard, eh?

Why is everyone obsessed with her?

Caitlen is her sister.

Caitlen wants to talk about doing her show right here at the Argyle.

That's all thanks to you, Margie.

Slay!

Slay!

Hello? Hello! (BANGING ON DOOR)

Help! Julia! Julia! Christian! What are you doing?

I'm locked in. It won't open from this side.

I can't breathe, Julia. I can't breathe!

You can breathe. I can see your breath all over the window.

I need you to help. I need you to help.

The code's 1 2 3 4.

Oh, God. Oh, God! (SCREAMS)

Julia! Julia!

Where did these come from?

Did they fall off the back of a truck?

Hey! These smart locks come from Scott Taylor, at my gym.

He's very connected.

Ask him anything, he can sort it out for you.

Well, can sort it out for me, anyway.

MARGIE: Like, I had a physical reaction to the script.

I threw it away. Keep installing, please.

I was like, this character is me. This is me. I'm born for this.

A non-disclosure agreement? God, she's loud.

Absolutely. What are you doing? I don't know.

Security upgrade for the whole building.

Can you tell Uncle Anthony I said thank you?

He's always seen something in me.

I'll call you after the audition. (INDISTINCT VOICE ON PHONE)

Oh, I wish I could tell you what that phone call was about,

but I have just agreed to an NDA, so, unfortunately, I can't.

It's OK. How's that going?

It's big. (SIGHS)

We're talking Hollywood!

It's huge. It is huge.

Uncle Anthony said it was a breakthrough role,

and they've specifically sought me out for it, so...

Right. Who's Uncle Anthony? It's one of my godfathers.

How many do you have? Six. How many have you got?

One. The normal amount. Oh, OK.

So you're saying your godfather

specifically sought you out for a role?

Sounds like nepotism.

I think someone's a nepo baby.

Oh, someone's got a new term. I'm not a nepo baby, Julia.

OK, I'm 44, for a start.

Aren't you 47?

It means I have to move to LA. But everyone wants this role.

You know, I'm talking Nicole, Blanchett - everyone.

It's the TV version of Off-Broadway, basically.

Didn't you sign an NDA?

I might need your help with the Zoom audition, actually.

I need to get my skin kind of looking flat,

a bit pulled back, a bit pallid.

Yeah. You could just do it as-is.

Margie, can you PLEASE tell us what it is?

I promise I won't say a word to anyone.

I'd love to, but I'm legally bound.

You know, I take that stuff really seriously.

It's Mike White's White Lotus. OK?

(SQUEALS) I'm up for a big role in Mike White's White Lotus.

Try saying that ten times! Mike White's White Lotus,

Mike White's White Lotus, Mike White's White Lotus!

I can't actually say it. You can't!

You can't. Come on Kat.

ALL: It's Mike White's White Lotus! It's Mike White's White Lotus!

It's Mike White's White Lotus! (SQUEALS)

(BEEPING)

Help! Help! Somebody help me!

Margie! I'm locked in.

What are you doing? (KEYPAD BEEPS)

Ah! Why is it hot?

What are you doing? I've been in there two hours.

I need to go to the toilet.

Did everyone forget I exist?

Why are they locking from the inside?

It's mad, what's going on here today?

I've decided we need an anti-nepotism policy for the theatre.

Turns out the arts is rife with it.

Speaking of that, Caitlen's agent called me earlier.

Whoa. Caitlen's not nepotism.

She's one of the biggest stars in the world.

Regardless, she won't do it unless she gets 150K, upfront.

Oh, my God, this family is so easy to deal with.

Alright, we'll just have to find the money.

Where am I supposed to find more, Julia?

The insurance premiums are due as well.

Do I just pluck it from thin air? Is that your plan?

Sorry for snapping. I don't know.

But the theatre is almost bankrupt.

Do you want to keep the doors open or not?

I want to keep them open.

I'll try and save on the insurance or something.

Yes. OK. (PHONE DINGS)

Ooh!

Westport Tigers. Alright. I got to call them back.

Can you... What are you talking to them for?

Because footy gets bums on seats. That's true.

Do you mind? Sure. Love footy.

Used to umpire quite a bit, back in the day.

Not the most popular man on the field,

but the game wouldn't exist without him.

Goal! They don't kick, but you get the idea.

Oh, God. Raising the excess.

Ooh... Risky.

AM I doing this well?

Christian? Yes?

What are you doing out here?

I'm scared of getting locked in my office, basically.

It's a long story. Don't worry about it.

OK.

Theatre's a funny old thing, isn't it?

Yeah. Scared of doors.

Scared of losing the theatre

and scared Julia's disappointed in me.

Christian, is this an attempt at friendship?

I thought we were friends.

But I have to make a big decision and I don't know what to do.

What should I do?

Yeah, just do it. Do it?

Just swipe right. Swipe...

It's not a dating app, Jacob. It's insurance.

OK, well, that'll get us Caitlen.

Let's just hope the building doesn't burn down.

ALL: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you... #

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

God, have you lost your mind, Christian?

We have a new insurance policy,

so we just have to be very careful about fires at the moment, OK?

As well as theft and injury and acts of God

and slips and falls and racism and major floods and...

Oh. Kat, didn't like your cake? That's a shame.

Right. New policy.

Isn't it lunchtime? Yes.

This is an anti-nepotism policy.

It's been ratified by the board, so no discussion will be entered into.

We need to be hiring the best person for the job at all times.

What about him? I'm non-nepo.

I had nothing to do with his hire. That was Margie's bright idea.

And I was hired by the board. So I'm non-nepo too.

Oh, no. You're definitely nepo. No, I'm not.

What about Caitlen? Oh, she's nepo.

No, not nepo. I'm not related to her. I'm hiring her.

Sounds nepo. It's not nepo.

(BEEP!) Ow!

That burnt my finger. Why is it so hot?

Could we please stop the carry-on?

The smart locks were organised by Scott Taylor.

He's highly reputable.

They're the same locks they have at my gym.

This sounds nepo.

Those locks were bought because they're the best locks for the job.

And the deal comes with maintenance.

So I'll simply call Scott and he'll sort it out.

Mum, why don't you just suck Scott off, seriously, at this point?

Suck him r... Suck him right off.

Well...

Obviously, I won't be doing that.

OK.

If we could all get back to work... Mm-hm.

JACOB: So what are we doing here?

Well, I just feel like we need to do something

that Mike White might like, you know?

Are you in conversation with him at the moment?

I was thinking maybe you could mention me for a job

and I could come with you. Yeah.

I mean, if I speak to Mike, I might, but it is Mike White,

so there's a lot of levels. Margie.

Yeah? I need your help.

Just got off the phone. I've been negotiating with

the Westport Tigers Football Club.

And Brayden Lowe, captain of the Tigers, wants to act.

Football? Yes, Margie. Football -

the most popular form of entertainment in the country.

Not everyone has the money or the inclination

to immerse themselves in the world of art.

Come off it. Name me one person who doesn't want to spend every night

in the theatre, grappling with the human condition.

People love to grapple. Wow.

Everyone in this place is completely out of touch with the common man.

I want you to put him in a play. Put who into a play?

Brayden Lowe. Oh, my God!

Yes, he's a footballer. I know.

Brayden debuted in 2015, kicked 65 goals in 23 games in 2017,

2023, was named team captain.

I'm in the Westport Tigers cheer squad.

Wow. Did not see that coming.

Why's that?

You know, 'cause of...

..the wigs and stuff. Why else?

Um, why else?

Margie, I need you in that meeting.

Yeah. 3:00. Be there.

Had any more thoughts about why I might not be into football?

Um, have I?

No... But...

I... No, none.

You'll have to beg me for this, bitch.

You meeting with Brayden? Where is he?

Uh, he's running late, but he will be here.

Right. What are you looking for?

I've lost my phone, and I can't find Margie either.

God! She was supposed to be here. Can she not do one thing I ask her?

I don't really know. I have some good news, though.

I found the money for Caitlen! That's great.

It's pretty cool. Great. That's great.

It's a bit risky in terms of our insurance,

but good, old Christian c... You going?

OK.

Donna. Where's Margie?

Oh, she went to props to get something for her audition.

You haven't seen my phone lying around, have you?

No. Sorry. (SIGHS)

You're welcome, bitch.

What?

I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that.

It's just something I've heard Jacob say.

Margie? Margie!

Oh, my God.

Here's where all the money is.

Margie! We've got a meeting.

(DOOR CLOSES LOUDLY, LOCK BEEPS) Jesus!

Oh, my God!

(WHISPERS) ..ck!

Margie!

Oh, wow.

(GASPS)

Help! Julia!

Help!

Oh, my God! What? Christian, we're locked in!

Open the door! Hurry up!

Margie's fainted, or dead. I don't know!

(ZAP!) Oh, come on!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) What are you doing?

It's really hot. It keeps zapping me.

Call Scott. Scott. OK. What's his number?

I don't know! I haven't got my phone. What do I do with Margie?

OK, I'll get your phone. You stay calm. Breathe.

Oh, my God, she's got a knife. (SCREAMS)

Are we locked in? What are you doing?

What's all the noise? Don't knife me!

What's the noise about?

Hey, what's going on?

Margie and Julia are trapped in the prop cupboard. Margie has a knife.

Oh, my God! You need to call the fire brigade.

Margie's got an audition to get to.

No fire, no cops, no insurance-triggering activities.

I just need Julia's phone. Oh, my God, I can totally help.

Come. How?

Don't close the door.

What are you doing? You scared the hell out of me.

You're lying on the ground. You're waving a knife around.

What is going on? I'm preparing for my audition.

Oh... The audition.

Aren't you just a little bit curious about what my audition is?

I'm curious as to why you're jumping ship just as we're going bankrupt.

Oh, a way to be a team player, Margie.

These stupid doors!

You and your silly locks will send us bankrupt.

(RUSTLING, SQUEAKING)

Hm. What's that? What's that? Is that a rat?

Are there rats in here? Yes. Very possibly.

No. Yep.

Don't let there be rats in here. Oh, my God, are you OK?

Yes, yes. (GROANS)

Why don't you just say you're not? Just once?

'Cause unlike you, Marguerite,

I don't have to make every situation about me.

How am I making this about me?

I've been meaning to ask you, actually.

Which side of my face do you find more appealing?

Like, if you had to say, this side, or - wait - this side?

OK, imagine I'm Zoom. You're the director.

This side. Ooh. This side. Hello!

What do you think? I think I like that side,

but rotate more that way. Like this?

Yeah. Keep going, keep going.

That's what I like. Right there. The back?!

Yeah. And if you can take it further away...

Ugh. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, I'd do that.

Oh, my God. I am only doing this for Margie.

Thank you.

(DOOR CLOSES, BEEPS)

No, no, no, no, no. What have you done?

Ryan! We're locked in here now, nuggers!

Oh, shit. The doors.

Yes! Sorry. That's my bad, guys.

It turns out that it was a masonry screw, which is just unheard of.

I'm locked out again.

Come on, guys, let's just go to the pub

and drink heaps of Baileys and milk for your birthday, Kat.

Yeah, I'm up for that. But I can't do full-cream milk.

Hey, did you know they recently did a study

to determine which was the most nutritious milk?

Do you know which one it was? Can't wait to hear about this.

Let's go, everyone. Almond.

Nope. Cashew?

Nope. Skim.

No. Evaporated.

(PERCUSSIVE BEAT PLAYS)

JULIA: Oh, what is taking him so long?

# Hey, hey! #

Please stop.

# Eh! #

No. Come on, Margie, stop. Stop!

# Eh! # Stop!

What time do you think it is? I'm going to miss my audition.

Which one of these do you think is right?

Like, that one? No, I think it's that one.

Really? No, actually. Oh, God, I don't know!

I'm losing all sense of time and space in here!

Keep it together.

Do you think Ryan's realised we're missing?

He's very sensitive and intuitive.

Yeah. Thank you for Margie-splaining my own son to me. Very helpful.

I do have a good read on people.

I cannot believe you told a gullible kid he was talented

just to get back at me. He IS talented.

What you call gullible, I call vulnerable.

Please! You know he's not an actor. I'm starting to think he is.

Why don't you just send him back to the bank

where he was desperately unhappy, then?

That is exactly what I'm trying to do.

Fine. Forget it.

Have I ever told you how Papa took me to Paris?

Mmm...

# Papa took me to Paris # I like that, actually.

# Papa took me to Paris Papa took me to Paris

# And we walked along the Seine

# And he said to me, "You'll play this role

# "And play it better than me"

# Then...

# .. to Paris. #

Where are you in your menstrual cycle?

Hello?

Hello?

(MUFFLED) Donna!

Donna! CHRISTIAN: Is it that one?

Call him, Scott. That one. That one?

Donna! OK. It's ringing. Ringing.

MAN: Hey, this is Scott from Pulse 54.

Scott, Christian Miller here from the Argyle.

We've got a major problem with the doors you recommended, mate.

Ah, OK. That sounds difficult. It is.

Let me get back to you with a suggestion.

Uh. What the... (CALL ENDS)

Hello?

Hello?

(MUFFLED) Brayden! Brayden!

Just click on him. OK.

I'm gonna miss out on meeting Brayden. It's a disaster.

All thanks to nepo-nuggs over here.

What?! Let's not call him that.

I'm non-nepo. My mum hates me.

Remember I told her to suck off Scott?

Yeah, and by the way, that's really not on.

That could lead to an insurance claim for stress leave.

JULIA: God, we need to get out of here!

You're still not going to ask me about my audition.

Oh... OK, fine, Margie. What is the role?

I actually probably can't say. Oh, my God.

Good. Don't want to know.

It's Mike White's White Lotus. (LAUGHS)

I know. Oh, my God, it's huge. It's massive.

But please do not tell anyone.

I know you'll want to, but please don't.

Can't be that massive a role

if you're practising by lying on the ground.

I wasn't PRACTISING, Julia. OK?

I was devising, I was in the space.

I was embodying character. You are exhausting.

Don't you ever stop? Why can't you be more supportive?

Maybe people have been too supportive.

What? No-one's ever said no to you.

You know, not everyone's Papa gives them a whole theatre.

You're obsessed with this nepo baby stuff.

Like, no-one cares when a butcher's son becomes a butcher.

You're impossible to talk to. No, you're impossible to talk to.

You're an ice queen, actu... Oh!

(RUSTLING) What's that?

The lights must be on a timer. There's something on me!

Is that you, or is that a rat? I'll try and find a switch.

What? No! Don't leave me here!

(SQUEAK!) Ah! Ah!

Ooh!

"Donna's drunk and refusing to leave the pub.

"We can't leave her. Sorry."

Great, great.

Is that Mum's phone? What are you gonna do?

Call KFC for an emergency nugget delivery?

No, I'm gonna get into her Pulse 54 account.

That's pretty smart, actually. She's texting the Scott guy a lot.

Oh, yuck. I think they're flirting!

Oh. (MURMURS) Yuck! Listen to this.

"Just want to say great six pack, Scott."

I'm not reading this. No. Keep going.

No, no. I'm calling the guy.

(LINE RINGS)

Hey, this is Scott from Pulse 54.

Yeah, man. First things first - stop flirting with my mum.

Ah! OK. That sounds difficult.

Let me get back to you with a suggestion.

(CALL ENDS)

There's something cooked about this Scott guy.

Mmm.

(LINE RINGS)

Hey, this is Scott from Pulse 54.

Yeah, Scott, I'm thinking of murdering someone.

Oh. No, don't...

Yeah. Should I do it or not? Don't say stuff like that.

Ah, OK. That sounds difficult.

Let me get back to you with a suggestion.

(CALL ENDS)

Guys...Scott's a bot.

Your mom's hot for a bot.

(EXHALES)

JULIA: Margie, where are you?

I don't actually know where I am. (CLATTERING)

I don't know where I am.

(CRASHING) I'm in the crockery section!

I am really not having fun here, Margie.

Where are you? Where are you? I hate this theatre!

Oh, God, the rats! Are you behind there?

Please help me! The rats! Oh, there you are!

Get it off! Please get it off! I don't like them. I don't like them.

(SNIFFLES)

Finally, the ice queen cracked! Cry it out!

I'm not crying. I'm not. Yes you are.

There's no shame in crying over rats.

I didn't cry when Tom ran off and left me with a toddler -

I am not crying over rats.

OK? Yes. Finally, a breakthrough.

I hear you.

And I'm sorry that happened to you.

Well, thank you, but I'm fine. I have moved past it.

What, to that Scott guy?

You like him, I think. Yeah?

Yeah? He does text me a lot.

Oh, does he? Great.

God, what am I talking to you about this for?

Because maybe we could be friends on the outside world.

Really?

I can't believe the bot sold us these locks.

This is an insurance nightmare. We need to get out of here.

I can't believe Julia's hot for a bot.

This is, like, the hottest gossip I've heard in years.

I need to get it circulating, Christian.

Donna! Hi, guys.

We're locked in here.

We're locked in! We're locked in!

Shh. Just turn off the internet.

There's smart locks.

They only work with Wi-Fi.

She's a drunken genius!

MARGIE: Hey, Julia, before we go back to fighting,

can I just say one more thing?

Please don't put Caitlen's play on.

She'll come here. She'll get all the accolades.

She'll take over. She has everything.

What do you care? You're off to Hollywood.

That audition is for a corpse. Alright? It's nothing.

I had to beg people for the Zoom link.

Oh, Margie. Alright?

I'm probably gonna miss it anyway, so...

Let's get you to that audition. Really?

BOTH: One. Two. Three.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

Where the hell have you been? What the hell is this?

Remember, I did Macbeth Does Western?

It was, like, 2000. Margie, not the time.

OK. Mum, Scott's a bot.

What? Scott, he's a bot.

Like a Scotty-bot, like a robot.

What's a Scotty-bot? What's a Scott bot?

She's been talking to a robot,

um, romantically, on the internet.

Oh, y... Yes, I know that.

Yeah. It's, um...

..a marketing tool that a lot of companies use.

So I was just... Yeah, as if.

She probably fell in love with it or was, like...

No, no, she...she...she told me in there. Yeah.

She said it was a marketing tool for the Argyle.

I'm thinking of getting one for the Argyle.

So... Oh, my God, my audition.

Hold that, hold the head. Ah! I've got it, I've got it!

Oh, God. Meet Brayden! Has anyone seen Brayden?

Ah! Ah! Sorry. I got it, bro.

Put it back where you found it. Thank you.

Uh, so can we talk about every goal you've ever kicked

in every city ever?

Yes. There he is. Brayden!

Julia McNamara. That's enough, Jacob. Pleasure to meet you.

Would you like a drink? Ryan, get Brayden a drink.

And, Jacob, I'll see you outside, please.

Yeah, yeah. I just... I mean,

I think you're robbed of the Brownlow Parade,

and you were totally robbed of...

Enough of that. Thank you so much.

I need you to behave yourself.

I hope you realise you've just deprived me

of fulfilling a childhood dream.

Of what? Stalking?

God! Margie, how was the audition? Did you smash it?

Well, I missed it 'cause of Julia's doors.

That is devastating. You could have been the next Connie Britton.

Connie Britton. As if.

As if! You would have been bigger than Connie Britton.

She's no-one. I guess now we'll never know.

Congratulations, Julia.

Just been smashing dreams left, right and centre today.

It's a shame. Now, happy to come and meet Brayden?

Do your artistic director thing? Yes.

Alright, let's go.

Not you.

Out.

So, Brayden, can you tap dance? Can you sing?

You know, like, come with me. (SINGS HIGH NOTE) # Hee! Hee!

(LOWER NOTE) # Hee. # (TENTATIVELY) # Hee... #

You're a bit off. (SINGS HIGH NOTE) # Hee! Hee! #

(BOTH SING DISCORDANT NOTES)

What scares you?

Feelings, mostly. Well, understandable.

Right, Brayden, just pick a play and we'll stick you in it.

No, we don't just pick a play and stick him in it.

We can do it this time. That's not what we do.

Oh, my God. Guys, we got her.

Got who? We got Caitlen Allard!

Oh!

Yes! Well done. I know.

Julia, no, we had an agreement in the prop store.

Margie, I didn't agree to anything in the prop store.

God, I was out of my mind!

There were clocks and bongos and rats crawling all over me.

Are you kidding. THE Caitlen Allard?

Yes. Exactly the sort of celebrity you can expect to meet

round here at the Argyle.

Yeah, well. There is a small thing.

Maybe we should probably step out.

No, here come the endless demands.

"I want to sit in the front seat, Papa.

"I want Margie's bedroom, Papa."

Why don't we pop out into the corridor?

Oh, just say it, Christian. Come on.

Well, she...

..wants to be in Le Paysan a Moitie Enterre.

ALL: What? Instead of Margie.

You can't be serious. Christian, no!

Oh, make it stop. Oh, look, it's a business decision.

Simple as that.

Caitlen Allard from the Marvel movies?

Mm-hm.

Well, I want to be in whatever play she's in.

No, but that's my role. Yeah, that one's taken, Brayden.

Choose another one. No, no, no.

This feels like a perfect opportunity

to consult your nepotism policy, Julia.

It involves your son. Christian, will you go and get it, please?

It's been ratified, hasn't it, by the board?

So let's have a look. Off you trot.

OK. Well, having thoroughly read over it

and taking into account Ryan's experience in the role...

Julia's son.

..versus Brayden's audience yield...

(SIGHS)

The role has to go to Brayden.

Sorry to say that. Unless someone wants to override it.

Julia, you could override it.

Did you want to overrule the decision?

Go on.

No. That...

..is the policy.

I hate you, Mum.

Stupid nepo-policy crap.

So, uh, how did you end up playing for the Tigers, Brayden.

Oh, the father-son rule.

We need you to step up and direct this show like only you can.

Get the flap! Yep. Got it. Ooh!

Caitlen's still on a first-class flight out here.

First-class flight? I only ever get to go premium economy. Agh!

Caitlen!

We're over-thrilled to have you here.

Papa took ME to Paris. Papa took ME to Paris.

No, Papa took ME to Paris!

I'm a little tired of hearing about Papa.

Was he even French?

Have you seen Margie?

Just wanted to wish you good luck. Mum! It's chookers.

This is our big moment. Margie's on the stage.

(OVER RADIO) Margie's on the stage!

What is happening?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0