Original subtitles

(spaceship whooshing)

Hi, my name is Leonard Church,

but nobody calls me Leonard, most people call me Church,

sometimes they call me Alpha,

and a few people even know me as the Director,

but I haven't been called that in a really,

really long time.

You see I know that when you look at me,

I know I look like a super badass space warrior,

but I'm really not.

I'm actually a- Hey, Church!

(Church grunting)

Just ignore (stammers).

I'm actually a computer program that's been reincarnated

in the memory of- Church!

I'm actually a computer program-

Hey Church! That's been reincarnated

in the memory of the- Where the hell are you?!

Okay, I'm just gonna start over.

I'm just, I'm gonna go back to the beginning

Church!

Hi. Church!

My name is Leonard Church. Church!

But nobody calls me-

Hey Church, come on!

(groans) God damn it, what?

What do you want? Come on!

Get up here!

Yeah, okay, hold on, for God's sakes, I'm coming!

Shut up! (uptempo cheery music)

God damn it, I can't even have one fucking moment to myself.

Can't even be alone with my thoughts, not even for a second.

Somebody's always gotta fucking yell, or scream,

or "Come look at this, what's going on over here,"

or "Hey Church, help me out,

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!"

Fucking assholes.

God, I forgot how much this place sucks.

Now when he gets up here, remember the plan.

Plan, what plan?

We only have one shot at this,

don't let it fall apart.

Why are you talking to me like this

is supposed to make sense?

Is this another one of your idiot schemes

to make Church your best friend?

Okay (hushes), remember, let me do the talking.

Do the talking about what, idiot?

Don't worry, I've got this.

What would I be worried about?

I don't even know what you're doing.

(Church panting)

Hey Church, welcome to the cliff.

Hey guys, hey guys (pants).

Man, whoo. Okay, abort.

The plan did not work.

That was it?

Okay, now I actually wanna know what was the plan?

'Cause apparently phase one was saying hi.

What was next, were you gonna wave?

Abort, abort!

(pants) What're you guys,

what do you guys want (gasps)?

Dude, are you fucking dying?

You sound like my vacuum cleaner when it picks up a penny.

I'm just a little out of breath (wheezes).

I'm not used to this, it's been a while

since I had a human body.

Oh God, I know, I hate having one of those,

(stammers) it's like, it always wants to pee.

Like all the time.

What the fuck is everyone talking about today?

Did I miss a staff meeting?

What other body would you have?

Its, it's a long story.

Remind me to tell you sometime.

So what's up, whats going on?

We have movement over at the Red Team's base.

I thought we should check it out.

Actually, I thought we should ignore it,

but there's really not anything else to do.

Movement, what kind of movement?

The Red kind.

Remember that new vehicle they got?

They've been making modifications to it.

Well that doesn't sound good,

how are they modifying it?

I don't know, why are you asking me?

Wait, you've been up here watching them

all this time, can't you make a guess?

Well I don't know man, they sure as hell

ain't installing a stereo.

Thanks, Caboose, what do you think it is?

Yeah, actually I was gonna say stereo,

but now it seems like a bad idea to say that,

so now I'm going to say

radio.

That's the same thing, idiot.

Yip, I know, but I still think I won somehow.

Here, let me see the sniper rifle,

I'll check for myself.

Do you even know how to use that thing?

Do I know how to use?

Of course I know how to use it.

Don't, hey where's the, how do I make it do the thing,

The, the thing, where everything gets closer?

Everything gets closer and bigger?

How do I do the closer, bigger thing, with it?

You mean zoom? Zoom, yeah that's it, zoom.

What's, oh are you saying, do I say zoom?

Zoom.

Zoom!

Rifle. Press the black button.

Oh. (scope whooshing)

Shut up.

Hey, I didn't say a word dude.

(ratchet clanking)

Okay, that'll do 'er, fire it up, boss.

(car engine growling)

Let's test this bad boy out.

Simmons, hop up! Hopping!

Huh, yeah, looks like they modified their jeep.

They changed the turret.

What is that, like some kind of radar dish?

I think it's a rocket launcher.

That's impossible.

You can't fire rockets from a jeep, dumbass.

There'd be too much torque or something like that.

It's probably some kind of like microwave transmitter.

Well, they were loading rockets in it earlier.

So unless they were microwaving explosives

for a tasty snack, it's probably a rocket launcher.

Ah, great, now I want a snack.

Hey, didn't you hear what I said

about the torque?

It's probably like. (explosion booming)

Ah, son of a bitch!

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty confident

about my rocket launcher guess.

Yeah, I don't know, I think Church was right,

I'm pretty sure I just torqued in my pants.

(explosion booming)

Ah, I hate being right all the time!

Yeah! Almost got you that time, sluts!

Reload, Simmons! All right!

Let's put the next one right up their ass!

Uh, okay, sure,

but you don't need to say it like that.

I think the weapon is equally as effective,

no matter where it hits them. Start stuffing, Simmons!

Okay, Okay.

Was that Donut? I don't know,

that's the chick who was working on the jeep.

That's not a girl, Tucker.

He just wears pink armor, it's a guy.

It is, are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Uh, then I suddenly feel pretty awkward

about something I did 20 minutes ago.

During alone time?

What the hell is alone time?

Hey, it's one of the rules of the cliff, dude.

What happens in alone time stays in alone time.

What do you do during alone time, Caboose?

Oh, I do the same stuff I do

during together time, only half.

What?

Another benefit of alone time,

not listening to him for a few minutes.

Hoorah, bitches hoo fucking rah!

Yeah, take that Blues!

The next one's blowing your armor clean off!

Or it will just hurt you a lot!

You know some of us realize that's enough.

Why do you keep making it weird?

Dammit, rocket jeeps, donut giving orders?

This is getting ridiculous, I'm putting a stop to this.

Church, wait! Tucker, get down!

They're firing again. That wasn't a rocket.

That was something else.

Church, where are you going, Church!

To set things straight, Tucker.

If we're going to do this, it has to be done the right way.

Or there's no point in doing it at all, okay?

There's an order to things, Tucker, an order,

order, order, order! (tense dramatic music)

Our operatives are in position, Director.

Good, send them in.

(holograph buzzing)

If I may say sir, my testing indicates

that this might not be the best team for the job.

The system will determine what's best, Counselor.

The system will determine the order.

Send them in. (hologram beeping)

Christ, is it cold or what? Uh-huh.

How cold do you think it is?

It has to be at least below freezing, right?

Well, there's ice, so, yeah. Freezing.

Patrolling in the ice, give me a fucking break.

You know who doesn't have patrol in the middle of the night,

in the ice? I'm sure you'll tell me.

Jenkins, I bet Jenkins is sleeping right now.

Back in his rack, with his big fucking melonhead

on a soft pillow. Yeah, that's Jenkins.

You know I had terminal duty

eight weeks straight?

Eight weeks, man! Well, lucky you.

And then I make one fucking comment about the CO

to Jenkins. Uh-huh, that's great.

And the next thing you know, I'm out on patrol.

Jenkins gets my next terminal duty,

and I get to freeze my ass off out here with.

(tense dramatic music) (wind howling)

Murphy?

Come on, Murphy.

Hey, where are ya?

Murph.

Stop messing around, Murph?

Murph? Yeah, in here.

I thought I heard something.

Oh yeah, what ya hear, a ghost (laughs)?

(blood dripping)

Huh?

Yeah, I guess you could say something like that.

What the fuck (grunts)?

(tense dramatic music)

Hey, we clear?

Yes, South, you're clear but watch your corners.

This smoke is good for cover,

but it's playing hell with my thermals,

and the cold isn't helping.

What's the time?

Don't worry about the time.

Worry about the objective.

Next patrol is in 20 seconds.

(laughs) I'll be gone before that.

Okay, slow it down, South.

Set your motion trackers. (South grunting)

Nah, takes too long.

So does getting caught, set your trackers.

South, I do not have visual in there.

I can't be your eyes if I can't see.

Just trust me, North, I got this.

(tense dramatic music)

South, talk to me.

Not right now, North.

I see the objective, going to initiate transfer.

While it's loading set your goddamn tracker.

There's bound to be some.

South, I've got something odd on thermal, two small dots.

Come on, come on.

South, check your six!

I think something's in there.

(doors whooshing) (machines beeping)

Don't even think about it.

(tense dramatic music)

(gunshot booming)

Aw shit, it's about to get loud.

(mug clanking) (uptempo rock music)

(alarm blaring) On my way!

Well, so much for keeping quiet.

South, meet me at the helipad for extraction.

(pants) Roger, might need a minute.

(gunshots booming) (South grunting)

(soldiers grunting) (South grunting)

(gunshots booming)

(soldier screaming)

Shotgun!

Catch!

(shotgun whooshing) (gunshots booming)

Thanks (grunts)!

Sniper, top of that building!

Switch on my mark, sync?

Sync! Mark!

(gunshots booming)

Moving! Go go go!

(gunshots booming) (South grunting)

Watch your left!

(soldiers screaming) (gunshots booming)

Go get the door, I'll hold them off.

We're good, let's move (pants).

(gunshots booming) (both grunting)

Switch!

(kick thudding) Move!

(gunshots booming)

(shotgun cocking)

(guns cocking)

Oh come on.

Well, out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Eh, think I can take about 50 of 'em.

How about you? How about you save

your jokes until we get out of this?

Where the hell is extraction?

Attention assholes,

stand down you're surrounded.

Give us the data file now!

You will be taken into custody!

We can either do this the easy way or the hard way!

There is no escape, so give us the damn data file!

("Extraction" by Jeff Williams and Casey Lee William)

(gunshots booming) (metal clanking)

Get down! (gunshots booming)

(soldiers grunting)

Son of a bitch.

What's going on? It's her.

What, what's she doing here?

(gunshots booming)

Okay, my turn.

(punches thudding) (soldiers grunting)

Watch it.

(gunshots booming) (soldiers screaming)

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Oh, yes, a rifle, I'm saved! Uh, hey man.

I hate to bother you but I think that's my rifle

you're holding. What the hell

are you talking about, just grab any rifle!

Like look at that, there is seriously

a pile of rifles right there. No,

that's my good luck rifle.

That's the one I sleep with every night.

Are you kidding me, man (grunts).

(gunshots booming) (soldiers grunting)

South, look out (screams)!

North, no!

(hook clanking) What the?

(explosion booming) (singing in foreign language)

I got you.

Move! (gunshots booming)

Come in, command, we have wounded!

You need to get us out of here, right now!

Come on, you two, we're leaving.

(both screaming)

(spaceship whooshing)

Sorry about the mess, fellas.

Package is secure, everybody on board.

(uptempo dramatic music)

Somebody called for a ride?

You're late.

Ah, well, you can take it out of my tip.

(spaceship whooshing)

(explosions booming)

Nice shot, hit them again, Simmons.

Roger.

Did we hit 'em? I don't know, hard to tell.

Missed, bitches!

Ah, dammit. I have a plan.

We need to use stealth.

Great idea. Okay.

Let's try this, Sir, you lay down some cover fire.

Simmons, the two of us can sneak around their backsides,

and slip on in.

Okay, just saying stealth was enough, man.

We don't need to expand on good ideas,

especially after other people have already agreed to them.

Sounds good, Sir.

I mean, wait, I'm the Sir, but we should do that.

Make it so. Hey, Reds!

Yo, hold on a second, cease fire.

Who the hell is that? It's one of the Blue guys,

he's just walkin' up here. By himself?

That guy is fucked. Totally.

He's gonna get totally fucked.

Okay, see, right there.

You changed the way you said it again.

Can you not do that please? Hey guys, hold up, you hear?

Hello? (gunshots booming)

What the hell, cease fire man, it's me!

Yeah, we know it's you, dipshit.

That's why we're shootin'.

I just wanna talk for a second!

Yeah, so what, what does that mean?

You know, I just wanna talk to you

about (stammers),

oh shit.

I think I fucked up.

I fucked up, didn't I?

You guys don't know who I am.

Maybe we should give him a chance.

See what he has to say.

He could provide some intel by accident,

or give us the Blue perspective.

I always wanted to hear that.

I wanna shoot him. Okay, just to be clear,

I understand what you meant by that.

I get that you wanna shoot him with bullets.

Red-hot bullets.

Please, it's enough.

Let's hear him out, then you shoot him.

How about I just wound him?

Then he can still talk, and I get to shoot him.

That's a win-win. Not for me, I get shot!

Okay, how about this?

Donut gets to shoot you in exchange for you getting to say

what you need to say. Five minutes of talking

for one shot, where do you want it, Blue?

The shoulder or the foot?

Well, obviously I would pick the foot,

but I don't want you guys to shoot me in-

Deal. Ow, you son of a bitch!

Okay, your five minutes have started, go.

What happened?

One of the Reds just shot Church in the foot.

Ow, that fuckin' hurt!

Do you think we should try to help?

I don't really see how we can,

I can't really get a clear shot at Church from this angle.

Ow, man you guys are a bunch of dicks.

I just got this foot.

Four minutes left.

I just wanna say you guys are all mixed up.

You're doing it wrong.

Doing what wrong?

This, your team, like, where's Grif?

He's in the base cleaning up,

he loves to keep things tidy. No, no, no, see?

That's not right, this isn't the way

things are supposed to be.

It got all confused somehow.

Grif isn't tidy at all, he's filthy.

He's gonna wash his hands for a week

if he hears you say that.

Grif, come on, get out here man!

I'm doing my second coat of floor wax!

That's when the shine comes to life.

I'll be out in a minute. (Church grunting)

Sarge come on, be Sarge, yell at him.

Get him out here. Why would I yell

at a subordinate?

Seems unfair to yell at someone who can't yell back.

What, that's, what?

Hey, sorry about calling you fellas subordinates.

This is so lame. No offense meant.

None taken, boss.

I actually kinda like being talked down to.

Okay, seriously, Sarge, come on.

You love being in charge, tell these guys to,

you know, shape up or do something.

Well, I guess they could be doin' a better job.

How?

(grunts) I just want you guys to feel

like you're reachin' your full potential.

I know I am. Me too.

My potential is so full,

I feel like I could fill up

a couple of other soldiers' potentials.

Goddammit,

mine is just the regular kind of full.

And Donut, come on, man.

This isn't you, you're supposed to be, you know,

free spirited, not some kind of repressed,

overachieving jarhead. One minute left.

Dude, what fuckin' clock are you using?

It's been like fifteen seconds.

Yeah, and what about me, blue guy?

Am I supposed to be different too, you know,

someone less nerdy and not lonely every second of the day?

No, you're pretty much spot on, Simmons.

Oh, okay, great.

I've heard just about all I want out of this guy.

(stammers) I'm leaving, but just remember,

this isn't the way things are meant to be.

You know it, and I know it.

Donut, you're a nice guy, you're not a jerk,

try expressing yourself a little bit, you know, like,

start keeping a, like a journal, or a diary,

or something like that.

(grunts) A what?

Nevermind, nevermind, I'm leaving, I'm leaving.

I'm gonna limp home now, okay?

Ow,

ow, ow,

ow. The nerve of that guy.

He's just tryin' to get in our heads, right?

How did he know about my diary?

Your what? Nothing!

I have, I have to go log,

log this in, in my logbook.

Donut, don't track mud in here, you know better!

What do you think, Simmons? Hard to say, Sir.

He was talking nonsense, but he sounded so sure of himself.

I think he should count himself lucky just to get out

of this one alive.

(explosion booming)

Incoming transmission, I got it,

this is vehicle Four-Seven-Niner responding, go for secure.

Secure, hello Agent Carolina.

Good morning, FILSS, nice to hear your voice.

Is this a bad time?

You sound occupied.

The LZ got a little hot.

We may be late for the rendezvous, but we'll get there.

Don't leave without us.

Understood, it sounds like the Director

was right to send you along to assist the teams.

Seems that way,

can't say everyone on board feels the same.

All Agents accounted for, excellent work.

FILSS, I see a blank spot in the head count.

Please verify.

We will see you at the rendezvous, Agent Carolina.

Fly safe, and have a nice day.

Roger that, Carolina out.

South, check our six. (tense dramatic music)

Heads up, we've got company back here.

(spaceships whooshing)

Who are your friends?

Just some people we met at the party.

They seem nice.

(spaceships whooshing) (gunshots booming)

Nice move, firing missiles.

Can't you get us out of here?

I'm working on it.

(radio blaring) (alarm blaring)

What's that noise? They have missile lock.

That's bad. Yeah, that's bad.

Take evasive maneuvers! I'm trying.

Well, try harder! Hey South,

do me a favor, would ya? What?

Thanks. You stupid bitch!

(missiles whooshing)

Releasing flares.

(explosion booming)

I hate flying (grunts)!

Hey, everybody hold on back there.

Things are gonna get a little- Bumpy?

Yeah, well I was gonna say crashy, but yeah,

bumpy works. (alarm blaring)

(spaceships whooshing) (explosions booming)

Countermeasures depleted.

North, get moving, I'm clearing you for equipment usage.

Whatever you're gonna do back there, do it fast.

Stay safe, kiddo.

North, North!

(tense dramatic music) (helmet beeping)

Well, here goes nothin'.

(explosion booming)

Pull up, pull up!

(uptempo dramatic music) (screen beeping)

There's the rendezvous,

if we're gonna make it, you better punch it.

(North thudding) (North grunting)

(explosion booming) Whoa!

(singing in foreign language)

(radio blaring) (spaceship whooshing)

(explosion booming)

Mother of Invention, we're inbound.

We will have medical personnel waiting for you

in the landing bay.

Welcome home, Four-Seven-Niner.

Thank you FILSS, it's good to be home.

(slow relaxing music)

Ow, ow.

Ow, ow.

Church, you're home!

Welcome back.

Yeah, yeah, thanks for helping me

while the Red's just shoot me in the goddamn foot.

Yeah, well you told us to stay on the cliff,

and I did, yeah that was helping.

Oh really, then why aren't you on the cliff

right now?

Oh I thought the helping part was over.

Ow, ow, ow, assholes, ow.

You're back already? What do you mean already?

It took me half-an-hour to limp across this goddamn canyon.

Yeah, but we thought they were gonna kill you,

I expected you back never, so in my mind you're early.

Shut up.

He is right about the two different times.

You shut up too. All right,

well, now the helping part is definitely over!

Damn it (stammers).

This is exactly what I get for trying to fix things.

What are you fixing?

Everything, us, the Reds.

Trying to make things the way they're supposed to be.

(groans) My foot!

Are you okay? Am I okay, do I look okay?

Do I sound okay? I don't know,

you're wearing full body armor, and bleeding.

That means you're either dying or just whining.

Well I'm hurt, all right?

You want me to call Command?

Have 'em send a medic? No, no medic,

I'm not hurt that bad,

besides those guys are just bad luck.

I already called Command. You did?

Caboose, you're not allowed to use the radio.

Right, unless it is an emergency,

and then I could use it to call Command,

and also 800 numbers I see on TV,

because those are free to call.

800 numbers? Damn it, Caboose,

what did you order this time?

Nothing. Caboose?

I promise you will not see anything show up here

that I ordered, nothing at all,

for at least six to eight weeks.

Damn it. What the hell

is he talking about?

Well, you sound upset,

you probably want some beef jerky.

It'll be ready in six to eight weeks.

You ordered a food dehydrator, didn't you?

Oh, you won't be so mad when we're storing

twice as much ammo as we normally can.

For the billionth time, Caboose,

you can't dehydrate bullets.

You actually order all those stupid gadgets

that you see on TV?

Maybe, sometimes,

and that special forces person also.

You idiot. Wait, what did you just say?

Oh, yes, yes,

they are sending someone to help us.

Command is? Yes,

unless that's bad in which case

I don't know what you are talking about.

What, they aren't supposed to send anybody

until after I die.

We thought you were dead, dude,

you walked into Red Base.

Caboose, did they say who they were sending?

Uh, yes, they definitely did.

(birds chirping)

Okay, do you remember who they-

No. Goddammit.

(uptempo cheery music)

Hey Grif, Grif.

Stop right there, Simmons.

What, is it danger, the Blues?

No, you are not walking across my floor

with those boots, I just mopped it.

Grif, there's no time for this.

Time for what, Simmons, a job well done?

There's always time for that, I believe you know my motto.

You don't have a motto. That's right,

because there's always something more productive

that I could be doing.

Who has time to sit around making up mottos

when they could be buffing the floor.

Well, I need to get through.

Sorry you're just gonna have to wait

five more minutes, it's not that long.

Just do what I do, count to three a 100 times.

Why wouldn't I just count to 300?

Because doing things three times is fun,

turning off light switches, locking the door,

turning off light switches.

You said turning off light switches twice.

You're right, I should probably say it a third time

just to make sure no one I love dies,

turning off light switches, there, that feels better.

Dude, you have issues.

I also have a clean floor which you can't walk on.

But I need to get- Simmons, you know the rules,

and what happens when we abandon the rules?

Everybody gets germs and dies.

Oh, silly me.

I forgot the reason I came in here.

Sarge wants you to take a break, Grif.

You're on break right now.

A break, I'm not familiar with the concept.

Just stop working, relax.

Relax, hm, Yeah right,

and how exactly would I go about doing that,

is there like a manual I could read or something, I-

Just stop cleaning, do nothing.

What happened to Donut? He's in his bunk,

reading that book he always reads.

What book? Don't know,

I don't ask, he doesn't tell, its got flowers on it.

Flowers? And drawings of things,

like hearts, he likes to read it and cry.

I'm not crying.

Sarge needs your help, Donut.

We're building a robot using that robot building kit

Command sent us.

I'm not really feeling up to it today.

That blue guy have you depressed?

You're bothered by what he said, aren't you?

Maybe. Why did you listen to him?

I didn't even know you had feelings, Donut.

Well I do, okay?

Whatever, come help us if you want, up to you.

Okay, I'll be out in a minute.

I wanna get my head together.

I need to clean my weapon, maybe light a few candles.

Uh, candle's really not the best light source

for field stripping a pistol.

(Grunts) Not everything is about function Simmons.

What did I say!

Huh, what, sorry, I wasn't listening,

I was kinda doing nothing.

Looks like Donut got tracks

all over your shiny floor, Grif.

Yeah, oh well, I'm on break anyway, right?

Why should I give a fuck?

Whoa, that felt really really good to say that.

What is wrong with everyone.

Man, I hate when things change, change, change.

(tense dramatic music)

The data you recovered has pinpointed

the location of a very important target

for Project Freelancer.

Excellent work. Thank you, sir!

Counselor, please update the board.

(tablet dinging)

That is all, dismissed.

(tense dramatic music)

I thought you said the mission was a success, Sir?

One of the mission objectives was stealth.

Your carelessness revealed our intention,

and made our next mission more difficult.

They'll be ready for us.

Dismissed.

(footsteps thudding)

Think I should talk to her?

(fist thudding) (panel buzzing)

Maybe we give her a minute.

Okay, Caboose, think back.

When you called Command about the special forces person,

what did they say to you?

They said, "This is Command.

We read you Blue base." After that?

"Roger, over and out."

Before that, somewhere between those two.

"Goodbye" and "Hello" are not the important parts

of the conversation. No I know,

and my name isn't even Roger,

although that is a very cool nickname.

I wonder if it fits?

Roger, shut up.

Roger, don't put that in your mouth.

Roger, put that down.

Roger, will you please be my best friend, signed, Church.

PS, Your new name is the best.

I like it, signed, Church again.

What did they tell you in the middle?

What did they say?

I need you to focus, Caboose.

(groans) Fine, I need you to focus, Roger.

Okay, they said that since one of our troops

was hurt, and since we're outnumbered,

they would send us a special agent to help us recover.

And they said that agent would be here?

Yes. No, no, not yes, when?

When I was on the call with them.

I mean the special agent.

No, no see the operator said that.

When? When I called Command.

How else would they tell me? Okay, stop, stop, stop,

stop, stop, stop, stop, let's just go through this

step by step, okay?

You called Command. Yes.

And they said they were sending a special agent.

Yes To our base.

Yes. When did they say

the special agent was coming?

Oh, right before they gave me my new nickname.

Goddammit, Caboose, all right, just forget it!

No, see it's Roger now, remember?

See I know it can be confusing sometimes.

Church, you have to keep up.

Hey Roger what's wrong with Church?

Oh I don't know,

he's having trouble understanding something.

You know how he is with that.

(tools clanking) (uptempo cheery music)

Wow guys, your robot is looking great!

Thanks, I didn't even know I was good

with machines!

You know what they say, necessity is the mother of-

Hey Sarge, can I ask you about something?

Sure, go ahead.

Um, in private?

Oh sure, I get it, don't want me around.

That's fine, no big deal.

I mean you're not talking about me, right?

(laughs) Right, you're not talking about me?

Be right back Simmons.

Sure you will, that's just what my dad said.

What's up, donut? Sarge, you ever have,

(stammers) you know, feelings and stuff?

Feelings, sure, all the time, who doesn't?

I just wanna talk to someone about some thoughts

I've been having. Thoughts,

about life and stuff? Yeah,

and you always seem so interested in the men,

and how we're doing. Well, that's my job!

Lay it on me, I'm all ears. (uptempo cheery music)

Sheila, turn on!

Hey, (stammers) activate!

(stammers) Oh FILSS, FILSS, I command you to start!

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm trying to turn on the damn tank.

By yelling at it, why don't you just use a key?

You have keys for the tank?

Nah, they didn't send them.

Thanks, you're a big help. Me?

I'm not the one yelling at the tank.

Hey the TV is on fritz too.

You wanna come inside and yell at it?

Maybe you could insult his mother or something.

I need to get the tank running

before Tex shows up.

Right, the secret agent who also just happens

to be your girlfriend. It's complicated.

And you think if you have a tank

that's gonna impress her? No,

I need it to defend us in case things get a little

out of hand with her.

Like I said, it's- Complicated?

Yeah, complicated. I had a girlfriend once.

Nobody cares. I met her on the Internet.

Oh man, your girlfriend was a dude.

Her name was Emailia.

She would send me letters all the time.

Sounds high maintenance.

Letters from my family,

letters about stuff I ordered online,

even about investment opportunities from other countries.

What, dude, I don't think your girlfriend's name

was Emailia, I think it was Email.

I'm pretty sure you fell in love with your email.

She was always there for me,

until I forgot our special word.

You mean your password? She never forgave me.

Well then I guess you should've made out

with her sister, Voicemailia.

Oh, she talked too much,

and she always blinked at me.

Come on, you stupid tank, just start!

Dude, give it up, stop working on the tank.

You can't pick up chicks in a tank anyway.

What? Actually,

now that I say it out loud, I guess you could pick up chicks

in a tank, well I could, you can't, so stop messing with it.

I have to do something.

You wanna impress your girl, just listen to me.

School's in session, about to start the master class.

Professor Fuck, that's me.

(uptempo cheery music)

Are Sarge and Donut still talking up there?

Yeah, it's been a few hours.

Maybe I should see if they want anything to eat.

And don't even get me started

on the design of the new armor!

The lines are all wrong, and the color pallet?

I mean, what is this, Autumn, am I right?

But let's save that for another day.

Yeah. Well,

thanks for the talk, Sarge.

So, (stammers) what were you guys talking about?

Lots of things, feelings mostly.

That was a long talk.

Yes it was.

Seems like a lot of feelings.

Yes it is. Well, if there's anyone

the troops can confide in, it's you Sarge.

Simmons, I'm gonna be honest with you,

I think he might have used all that up.

But, you still have time for me, right?

I have some thoughts I've been wanting to get off my chest.

Why don't we just get back to work?

Back to work after our heart felt discussion,

right, sir? You know what I'm thinking,

Simmons, let's just put a pin in that discussion.

A pin? Or a nail.

Nails last longer, or one of them railroad spikes!

Tell you what, let's abandon the pin metaphor altogether.

Let's just take your idea, put it in a box,

wrap that box in chains,

then cover the whole thing with cement,

and throw it in the ocean.

I'll just get back to work sir.

Now that idea I like!

(spaceship whooshing) (tense dramatic music)

Attention, 87466.

It wasn't you fault, Connie.

Easy for you to say.

You didn't drop the ball.

The ball got dropped.

We were all there, it's everyone's responsibility.

Dammit, why are you doing that?

What am I doing?

Making excuses for me.

I'm not making excuses for myself, why are you?

I'm trying to make you feel better.

Yeah, great.

Hey, why don't you go make Carolina feel better?

Go pat Maine on the head, see how that works out for you.

We all make mistakes.

No, We don't!

That's the point, we don't all make mistakes.

Some of us very specifically make mistakes,

and others don't seem to make any mistakes at all!

Connie, come on...

That's why they're doing all this!

These missions, the rankings!

They're drawing a line between us, Wash.

And you're either on one side of that line,

or you're on the other,

and it's getting pretty goddamn clear which side I'm on.

No one thinks like that, we're a team.

I'm not talking about you guys.

I mean them, him.

The Director?

He's given us everything, he's helping us!

Helping us?

(laughs) Wake up, wake the fuck up!

He's filtering us!

This is a selection process, Wash.

I don't know for what,

but if you're not at the top of that board,

you're not worth anything to him.

You're just overreacting.

You've always been hard on yourself, Connie.

Not as hard as they are.

Not nearly as hard as they're going to be.

And don't call me Connie.

Makes me sound like a fucking kid.

(tense dramatic music)

Call me CT.

Oh, and that line that I talked about,

you better hurry up and figure out what side you're on,

Agent Washington, before they figure it out for you.

(tense dramatic music) (footsteps thudding)

(uptempo cheery music)

All right, class is in session.

Students, line up over here, teacher on this side.

I'm not doing this.

Dude, you've got a girl coming over.

You don't know what to say to her, you need my help,

and the first set of lessons is free.

How are you qualified to teach us this stuff?

Are you kidding me? No, no, I'm not kidding.

How are you qualified?

You talk about girls all the time,

I've never seen you with one. (stammers) I have lots of,

okay, just shut up and listen.

Stay quiet and hold all your questions till the end.

Now, before we start, does anyone have any questions?

Uh, yes. I would like to-

Ah-ha, that was a trick question.

You're supposed to hold all questions till the end.

Oh yeah, why didn't you hold your trick question

until the end then? The rules don't apply to me.

Well, maybe my question

was a magic question too.

Yea, abracadabra, you're an idiot.

So, we've already learned our first lesson,

the rules don't apply to you.

Girls like a rebel, someone outside the law.

Like a criminal? It depends on the crime.

Nothing with animals, see they want someone

with a free and independent spirit.

Something that they can crush into a raw material

that can then be molded into what they really want.

What do they really want? They don't know.

Which is why you have to tell them what they want

without actually telling them what to do.

That sounds hard.

That's why we're doing lessons.

Should I, should I be taking notes?

Do you even know how to write?

Is that another trick question?

Can I answer it at the end?

Getting bored here.

Okay, then let's do some role playing.

I'll give you critiques on your approach.

Roleplaying? Yeah,

Caboose, you play the girl.

You want Caboose to be the woman?

Dude, it's a lot bigger stretch for you to play

a man, trust me. Um, okay, what should I say?

Just say whatever a girl would say.

(stammers) Okay, um,

I just really want to meet someone nice.

Um you know, someone who appreciates me for who I am.

Not so much because I'm pretty,

but because they really want to get to know me,

because they want to find out what my interests are.

Then we could spend time exploring the world together,

and sharing all the wonderful things in life

that make it wonderful.

What, do you know girls at all?

Talk about how much you like shoes.

Yeah, and about reality TV shows.

Here, Church you start, just hit on Caboose.

Caboose, act like you like Church.

I've been preparing for this role my whole life.

Shut up, okay, Church,

your girlfriend just got to base, you see her and you say?

Um hey, hey there.

Hello, giggle, blinking eyelashes, puppy.

(stammers) All right, I'm out, I can't do this.

Don't be a baby.

Caboose, stop making sound effects, you're a girl now.

Girls can't make sound effects.

Quietly angry. And stop narrating.

Okay, fine. There you go, that's it.

That's a girl, okay Church, hit it, action!

Uh, uh, hey, uh, what are you doing, what's up?

Uh uh, what's up with what you're doing?

Smooth, Caboose.

Okay, um, yes I was just sitting here,

thinking about shoes,

and celebrities that only have first names.

Perfect.

Actually if you want the truth

I feel like I have to say these things

to make myself more appealing

when I really think that I should just-

Stop it. Okay, sorry, okay, sorry!

Church, say something rebellious.

Uh okay I think the working class should uprise

against the rich people.

I said rebellious, not revolutionary.

Oh okay.

I drive a fast car over the speed limit all the time.

I will go with you anywhere.

See, it's easy!

(uptempo cheery music) (ratchet clanking)

(grunts) There, man, that safety switch was hard

to bolt on, probably should've gotten a bigger one.

It's not how big the switch is, Simmons,

it's how you flip it! Donut, shut up!

All right, robot's all done!

Time to fire it up!

Let's hit the ol' power button.

Who want to do the honors, Grif?

Meh. Well said, Donut?

Sorry, just clear-coated my nails.

I'm not chipping one of these babies!

Alright, Simmons?

It would be an honor, sir!

(stammers) That is if you're sure you don't wanna do it!

Now that you mention it,

it does sound kind of fun, I always did like pushing things.

Oh okay. Hey Sarge,

what's this robot gonna do for us anyway?

Oh you know, the usual robot stuff.

Math we don't wanna do.

Right, like that exists (laughs).

Menial tasks like maintaining the vehicle.

Maintenance is crucial! Organization.

Hmm, maybe I should make a list

of all the robot's duties.

And basically any task that no one wants to do,

or is part of anyone's official job description.

Additional work, you mean like extra credit?

No one told me there was extra credit!

What is it, I'll do it! Hey Simmons,

it sounds like this robot is going to be doing all the jobs

you do! (laughs) Yeah.

Well, don't worry.

I'm sure Sarge will find some other responsibilities

for you, right Sarge?

Sarge?

Huh, oh right.

One of the robot's functions is to answer awkward questions

that I don't want to.

Better turn him on.

Here we go, let me just get this panel off,

make some specific noise, (ratchet clanking)

and then drop it on the ground.

Holy guacamole! (ground rumbling)

(screams) Another earthquake!

Everyone institute emergency plan!

Hold on a second while I put on my marshal's vest!

Everyone just remain calm!

Whatever you do, don't panic.

Looks like the earthquake stopped.

Yeah. You're just disappointed

that no one got to use the emergency plan,

aren't ya' Simmons? Sorta.

Aww, there, there, don't feel bad!

No one's read it anyway!

Oh, That's a relief.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Ooh-hoo, robot's on!

(speaking in a foreign language)

Uh, is he speaking Spanish? Sounds like it.

Maybe the quake messed something up

when you activated him, Sarge.

Could be a polarity issue.

Actually, I ordered the Espanol speech unit

on purpose! You did?

Yeah!

I thought if we had a little multiculturalism around here,

we could all learn Spanish together!

Get closer as a unit!

Speaking of getting our units closer.

Not now, Donut!

Seems inconvenient, Sarge.

Yeah it does.

Don't know what the hell I was thinking!

Seems really out of character for me.

(slow relaxing music)

Hey look, Simmons!

He's already doing your job! Great.

Want me to get your vest?

(uptempo cheery music)

Whoa, there's another quake! Yep.

You don't seem too worried. No I'm not,

'cause I know all of this isn't real.

Not real?

You mean not real like your fake girlfriend?

Like, no, no, no, my girlfriend is real!

It's the world that's fake, you know everything in it.

Earthquake! That was 10 seconds ago.

Man, we really need to get your reflexes checked.

Maybe I was just early for the next one!

Now you'll be ready for when it happens.

Oh shut up. Meteor.

So everything in the world is fake,

except your girlfriend? Right.

Who's in the world? Yes.

Where everything is fake. Correct.

Well, I'm following all of this as well

as I follow everything else.

You see, all this, see, okay,

we're just inside a memory unit.

Which is sitting in a snowbank somewhere in the world,

the real world. A snowbank?

Right, and that memory unit is dying,

so we're feeling all these, like, you know,

little quakes and stuff. If we're in a snowbank,

why isn't it cold? I don't know!

(stammers) It doesn't work like that,

it's like being inside of a snow globe.

Yeah, but a snow globe has snow in it.

I thought it was a globe made of snow!

(grunts) You're not getting it!

Okay, try to think of it as, like,

it's like a diorama. Ah yes,

cafeteria for dinosaurs. Shut up, Caboose.

Typhoon.

So this memory snowbank thing,

it's just sitting there, and we're inside it,

doing all this stuff, why? I don't know,

I guess it's so that I can, you know,

figure out about Tex, and what I'm supposed to do.

And if I can't figure it out, well,

then I just need to move on to the next memory unit,

I guess. Right,

and that's by finding those Freelancer guys

you talked about before. Exactly.

And going on some big adventure with them,

and finding the snow memory! Memory unit.

Whatever, and then going into it?

Yes.

Even though we're already inside it.

And so on, and so forth.

And so on, and so on, until what happens?

I don't know!

If I knew that I could stop already!

And we have to do all that,

before the memory unit laying in the snow dies,

and we're all crushed by falling rocks.

(ground rumbling)

Good timing. Yeah it was.

Well if only there had been some type

of warning system in place.

Okay, I think it all makes sense now.

Uh, good, I'm glad. Dude,

that was a fucking joke, I have no clue what's up!

I don't know, it doesn't seem that hard to me,

man. I know one way to check.

Hey Caboose, explain what's going on, recap for us!

We're going to eat lunch with dinosaurs.

Yep, perfect sense.

I'm going to eat a giant egg!

(speaking in a foreign language)

Good point, Lopez.

I don't understand what you said,

but you presented it in such a confident manner

that it must be right.

Man, that new robot really seems to be fitting in

around here. Yeah, I noticed.

He's pretty popular. Awesome.

Yeah, even though no one understands him,

people seem to really wanna get past

the rough robotic exterior and get to know the inner Lopez.

So happy for him.

Me too.

Wait, was that sarcastic?

Yeah, dude, I have to admit,

that was off the charts even for my sarcastic meter.

(speaking in a foreign language)

(laughs) Oh, good one Lopez!

Man, you are a riot.

(speaking in a foreign language)

(laughs) Man, all that and the guy's a comedian.

God, I wish my sidekick could be funny like that.

What's your problem, Simmons?

What, you don't even know what he said!

How could it be funny?

Whatever, I guess you just had to be there.

I was right here!

(speaking in a foreign language)

All right, nice chatting with you, Lopez.

Now, enough jokes, get back to work polishing stuff.

The stuff's not gonna polish itself, you know?

(speaking in a foreign language)

(laughs) Well, okay, one last joke.

But, that was it, now seriously, back to work.

(laughs) I just got that one, too.

Boy, he really makes you think.

It's like he's saying what we're all thinking,

but in Spanish. You guys are idiots.

I'll show you who's likable and funny, and who people like.

Huh, what's wrong with Simmons?

Huh, oh, I don't care.

Hey, Donut, let's go hang out with Lopez!

Great idea!

I'll show them, yeah, I'll show them good.

(uptempo cheery music)

Okay, okay,

it's like when a computer tries to solve a problem.

Do you know what recursion is?

Yeah, I love that movie.

No, no, it's like, it's like a thing

where a computer tries a number of different iterations

to solve a problem, then when it gets to the end,

it returns all those solutions back up the line

to the first iteration, and then it has its solution.

Does that make sense?

You're saying you're a computer.

No, no, no, no.

Actually-well, actually, yes.

Yeah, sort of, I'm actually, I am a computer kind of.

I'm a computer program. But your foot was bleeding.

And your breath kind of stinks.

You know, (stammers) I wasn't gonna say anything before,

but you know, since we're all telling the truth

about each other. Caboose, you're an idiot.

Well, I didn't realize how much words could hurt

until it was my turn.

I don't think I wanna play this honesty game anymore.

No, I'm a real person in here,

because this is all constructed by memories of the person

that I'm based on, same as me.

I'm all the memories of that guy.

Who is that? It's another program

called Alpha, who was kind of a dick.

And he was based on a guy named The Director,

who was also kind of a dick.

Well, I can see you're continuing

a grand tradition. Yeah, I'm very proud.

It's quite a lineage. I grew up on a moon.

Nobody cares! You're all just jealous.

And this girl who's coming

is that original guy's girlfriend?

Yeah, I think, I don't remember exactly.

I thought you were that guy's memory!

No, I'm the other guy's memory, the middle one.

Did he have a girlfriend?

No, wait, maybe.

Dude, I don't know how any of you

got any girlfriends, spouting all this sci-fi bullshit.

You guys ever talk about football for God's sake?

Look, I just know I'm supposed to meet this girl,

and I'm supposed to fall in love.

Uh-huh, and then what happens?

I don't know!

We, we do whatever people do when they fall in love.

I'm asking you a specific question.

You should give me a specific answer.

Are you taking notes?

No, maybe.

My job is to solve this problem or pass it along.

That's it. So, you follow this girl

down through the levels of the memory iterations,

and you basically try to figure out how to make things work.

Even though she doesn't like you?

She likes me, she's just, you know-

Mean. Yeah, thanks Caboose.

She's mean. Yeah,

that was an easy guess.

You know, 'cause all girls are pretty much mean.

Can I just say,

this might be the creepiest stalker scenario

I've ever heard, and I've made a few myself.

What? You chase a dead girl

through a memory and every time she escapes you,

you either follow her down to the next set of memories,

or resurrect her in some way, only to do it all over again!

That's not stalker-ish, that's romantic!

You know what the difference between stalking

and romance is?

Romance happens in movies.

In real life, it's called stalking.

Well, maybe all of this is happening

inside of a movie!

Oh, please, who the fuck would watch that movie?

All we ever do is stand around and talk.

Hey, you dropped a grenade. That's not mine.

Caboose, pick that up.

I'm not allowed to carry grenades, remember?

Because of that one exploding time?

Which was no one's fault.

Well, I didn't drop it, Tucker, count yours.

I have a read-out on my helmet, dummy.

I don't need to count.

Oh, right, well, it has to be somebody's.

Fuck, somebody threw a grenade at us,

didn't they? Yeah,

we probably should have figured that out sooner, right?

(explosion booming) (all screaming)

Hey, Wash, wait up!

Listen, I heard you had a meeting with Internals.

Oh, you did?

Yeah, do you mind if I ask what it was about?

Not really supposed to talk about that.

Help me out here.

I'm still getting heat about using equipment in the field.

You did, really?

Without a pipeline back to the command server?

I had to improvise, we had a problem.

Let me guess, are you related to the problem?

Okay, now I don't wanna talk about it.

Equipment in the field,

don't forget what happened to Utah during training,

you're lucky it didn't kill you.

If I was lucky I wouldn't have needed

to use it at all.

Well, you can relax.

Internals didn't ask about you, it was something else.

Lots of questions about the Insurrection and transmissions

coming out of our- Sorry sir!

Hey, what's going on?

Soldier, where is everyone running?

New agent, he's squaring off against Maine,

Wyoming, and York on the training room floor.

We're going to watch!

Hey guys, wait up! (tense dramatic music)

Three on one? Five, four-

I've gotta see this. Three-

Yeah, right behind you. Two, one.

Round begins! (staff whooshing)

What's going on down there?

There's no training session on the schedule.

It's impromptu. Who the hell is that?

Some new recruit.

(uptempo rock music)

(all thudding)

Wow, he sure doesn't move like he's recruit.

Why do you assume it's a guy?

She's a girl.

Oh, (stammers) I didn't really mean

that he, I mean it, I mean her.

Right. Sorry.

Just shut up. Both of you, can it.

Sounds like someone is a little bit concerned

about their position.

Hey South, pay attention.

You might actually learn something

if you stop running your mouth for a minute.

(uptempo rock music)

(staff buzzing)

(staff thudding)

(staff clanking)

Round One: over.

Pugil sticks training, complete.

Point awarded to Texas.

The current score is, Team One, zero points. Texas, 1 point.

Texas, huh?

I thought that name was reserved.

Nice moves.

Could be luck, we'll see.

Beginning hand-to-hand combat.

Round Two begin in five, four,

three, two,

one.

Round begin.

Okay guys, this one should be easy,

so lets just play it by the book.

Maine, how about you flank left and then-

Or you could just charge in, and get immobilized first.

Okay, Wyoming, let's stick together and.

Whats the story, am I the only one on this team

that knows how to talk?

I don't think talking is your problem.

Oh no!

(punches thudding) (kicks thudding)

Wow! Okay,

that was pretty impressive!

Okay guys, that obviously didn't work so well.

How about this time we stay in formation,

and instead of like.

Dammit, I can't believe I actually volunteered

for this crap.

(punches thudding)

Round over, point, Texas.

Hand-to-hand combat complete.

Now resetting the floor for Lockdown Paint Scenario.

Ah, I hate that paint.

Tell me about it, it stings like a bitch.

Turns your armor hard as a rock.

I wouldn't know.

It's not bad if you don't let it hit you.

Thanks, I'll try to remember that.

Round Three, in five,

four,

three, two, one!

Round begin! (uptempo rock music)

Maine, Maine!

Look I'm gonna move left, you go,

or you just run out, and do whatever you want,

and then get killed, ready, break, good job everybody.

(gunshots whooshing)

Oh man, it's gonna be a long day.

(uptempo rock music)

(punches thudding)

(gunshots whooshing)

One point, Texas.

(gunshots whooshing) (York thudding)

Hey, Wyoming, hey, where is he, can you see him?

Uh, you know what?

Nevermind man, I think I've figured it out.

(gunshot whooshing)

♪ Bitch in black, hard as stone ♪

♪ Need no friends work alone ♪

♪ Three on one but they shoulda sent four ♪

♪ And every time you stand up, you're back on the floor ♪

♪ A punch in the balls and a kick to the head ♪

Point Texas.

♪ Get it on boys or you're gonna get dead ♪

♪ Think ya got skills but you're sinking like a stone ♪

Another point for Texas.

♪ Next time, fuckers, you should just stay home ♪

♪ You can screw Nevada ♪

♪ Mess with Maine ♪

♪ Leave Hawaii in a puddle of pain ♪

♪ You can beat Virginia till she's down on the floor ♪

♪ But if you fuck with Tex, you'll be on your knees for sure ♪

("On Your Knees" by Jeff Williams)

♪ Motherfucker ♪

After eight rounds, the score is zero, eight.

Advantage, Texas.

Yeah, advantage is the right word, FILSS .

Round Nine begins in five, four, three, two-

Hey? What the hell are you guys doing?

One, Round Nine, begin.

(gunshots booming)

What, are they using live rounds

on the training floor? Looks like it.

That's against protocol,

they're gonna kill her! Probably.

Someone should get the Director!

(laughs) The Director?

Who do you think gave them the ammo?

Watch your mouth, CT.

Back off man, what the.

(gunshots booming)

Enough of this.

Look out!

Hey, I'm trying to help. I don't need your help!

Never abandon your team.

(gunshots booming) (kicks thudding)

Ah (grunts)!

Hey, don't (grunts).

(gunshots booming)

(soldier thudding)

(soldier growling)

(gunshots booming) (kick thudding)

(grenade clanking)

Hey!

(York screaming)

Shit! Dammit, those maniacs!

What the fuck are they doing?!

FILSS, we need a medical team

to the training floor, stat!

(alarm blaring)

Medical team on route, please remain calm.

York, York!

Get over here, now! (York groaning)

Is he gonna be okay?

Come on, York, hang in there.

I can't believe she did that to him.

Get off me! Shot his armor,

sacrificed him. Lockdown hardens the armor.

She probably saved his life.

Quick thinking.

Yeah, really quick.

Everyone, stand down, now!

You should be ashamed of yourselves!

I expect you to act as a team!

They used live ammunition on the floor, Sir.

That's against regulation.

Do you think our enemies will care about regulations

on the battlefield, Agent Washington?

So, you're not punishing them?

Ingenuity and adaptability are admirable traits!

You should all learn something from this.

Dismissed.

Yeah, you should learn something all right.

I can't believe this.

Don't forget to check your place on that list, Wash.

(tense dramatic music)

Don't touch me.

Interesting.

Take me back to the Director.

(gunshot booming) Ow, what the hell was that?

I can't see anything!

Tucker, where are you?

Caboose, are you dead?

I hope so! Ow, what was that?!

I think it was a flashbang, I cant see!

What? Well it's a good name,

because it definitely went flash and bang!

What! Oh my god,

are we under attack?

Is it the Reds?

I don't know, I can't see anything either!

My mother always said I would go blind,

but for a totally different reason!

What? Caboose, stop saying What.

You can't hear.

Can of beer?

But this is not the time!

You're deaf.

Oh no, I had so much to live for!

No you didn't!

What was that, something just hit me!

Something just hit me too! Is it another grenade?

We're under attack, open fire!

Ah, Get some, take that fuckers!

(gunshots booming) (uptempo cheery music)

What a bunch of idiots.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Yeah, okay, buddy, whatever you say.

Hey, you missed a spot.

(speaking in a foreign language)

(laughs) you said it, now come on, chop, chop.

Back to work, buddy, lets hear less talk I don't understand,

and see more work I don't wanna do.

How's it going out here?

Great, the jeep has never been so clean.

That's because you're not the one cleaning it.

Good point, you know Sarge,

all this time the laziness in me,

its been really under utilized.

I never reached my full potential.

I just realized, I should be in management!

You seem like a natural.

It's the best job ever.

You just tell people what to do, and they do it.

And if you don't have anything for them to do,

you just tell them to do something they did before,

but do it better this time, I've got it all figured out.

How about you get busy helping

with that jeep then? I'm sorry, what?

I'm on break.

Come in, Lopez, Lopez, come in.

This is a secure channel.

(speaking in a foreign language)

This is Flying Eagle.

I have a secret mission for you.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Actually it's Simmons, we're using codenames

on this mission, Lopez, because it's Top Secret.

(speaking in a foreign language)

I need you to come to the cave and investigate something.

It's Top Secret.

Don't tell Sarge, or Grif, or Donut,

or anyone else I didn't mention.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Okay, see you in the cave.

Come alone and unarmed.

You can also come in with your eyes closed if you want

for secrets.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Yes, it is an honor to be selected.

You are right, Flying Eagle out.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Down here Lopez!

This is the perfect plan, Lopez will walk through the water,

which I have electrified using, A. This battery,

and B. My incredible knowledge of how batteries work.

The resulting shock will short him out,

and all the guys will see that I'm the funny, smart one,

who's good at math, and not having emotions, they'll see!

(speaking in a foreign language)

Oh, hi Lopez.

I was just down here investigating our mission.

Hey, why don't you come over here through that big puddle?

No, (speaking in a foreign language).

Come on, over here.

No, (speaking in a foreign language).

Seriously, this way, just walk into that puddle.

I mean the regular puddle, the one that's not,

you know, (sighs) you know what,

just forget I mentioned the puddle.

No puddle there, that's dry, optical illusion.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Please, come on!

(speaking in a foreign language)

What, no, wait!

(water dripping) (electricity buzzing)

(speaking in a foreign language)

Ooh man, instead of a big white blur,

now everything's just a big black blur.

Man, my head should only hurt this much

if I had a lot more fun the night before.

What? Ow, Caboose, stop yelling!

Someone get me an aspirin.

You guys are babies. Babies?

You chucked a grenade at us you stupid bitch,

what do you expect?

Hey, there's a big difference

between a flashbang and a grenade.

It doesn't seem like it.

Well, if I threw a grenade at you,

I wouldn't have to have this stupid conversation right now.

I would just be stepping over some disgusting puddles.

This is your girlfriend I take it?

Oh yeah, Tucker, Tex.

Tex, Tucker, there you go. What's up?

Hello.

Are people meeting other people?

I want to meet people!

No, you don't, and stop yelling.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Yelling.

You know, why would you attack us?

Aren't you coming all the way out here to help us?

Hey, I needed to evaluate the situation.

I heard someone was dead, I show up here,

and three idiots are standing around arguing.

I'm not walking into that blind.

So you made us blind?

Oh, boohoo, it's not lethal.

So what, that's what, that's supposed to make us

feel better?

A kick in the balls would be non-lethal too.

That depends on who does the kicking.

Is that a threat?

(laughs) How 'bout we call it an experiment.

See what happens.

How about we agree to disagree?

Good idea, so, who's dead?

Oh nobody, we just made a mistake, we thought-

(grunts) We thought we should bury

our dead teammate, and then take his name off the roster,

so that no one could prove he was never here.

We did? Yes.

because that's what she is here to investigate, Tucker.

And if that guy didn't exist, why would she stick around?

Oh right, yeah, I thought she meant

some other nonexistent guy who didn't die.

Not the one guy who did die.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, why did you remove him

from the roster?

(stammers) I don't know.

Seemed appropriate at the time.

You know it's like a respect thing.

What was his name? Anderson.

Smith.

Well was it Anderson or Smith?

(stammers) Andersmith, Private Andersmith.

Andersmith? Oh, I miss Andersmith.

I'll always miss him, he was too young to die.

Yeah, he was like 10 seconds old.

Shut up, Tucker.

(moans) What happened?

(speaking in a foreign language)

What, am I dead?

I see my body, am I in heaven?

(speaking in a foreign language)

(moans) Ugh, why is my body speaking Spanish?

Oh no, did I go to Mexican heaven by mistake?

That's like white people hell.

No, (speaking in a foreign language).

I knew it!

You just wanted to become super popular,

so you take my place!

(speaking in a foreign language)

You're gonna regret this, Lopez.

No, (speaking in a foreign language).

We'll all regret this!

(speaking in a foreign language)

I still don't understand,

how does more breaks make us more efficient?

It's simple, if we have less hours to do work,

we got more done in less time, It's all ratios.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Simmons, where in Sam hell have you been?

(speaking in a foreign language)

You sound weird. Yeah,

almost like he's speaking a foreign language,

but he's speaking very slowly and clearly,

so I understand what he means.

Me too. What have you been up to?

(speaking in a foreign language)

Sounds boring.

I didn't understand that one.

Me neither, but boring is always a safe bet

with Simmons. Good point.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Okay, bye Simmons.

Good luck at whatever you're doing.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Command, do you read me?

This is Freelancer Tex reporting in.

Roger that, senorita!

We read you loud and clarita, how you doing?

Okay, I just need to make sure she sticks around

for a little while, you know, so I can talk to her

a little bit more, and investigating this dead guy

is gonna be a good distraction.

It doesn't bother you that you made up a guy

out of nowhere, and then killed that guy,

just to have a chance to talk to your girlfriend?

No, no, no, it's like a (stammers),

whatever you call it, it's even.

You know, he didn't exist before, and he doesn't exist now.

No harm, no foul, right?

Dude, you seriously got to look

into this stalker thing.

I miss him. You miss who?

Andersmith.

He's a reminder of how close we all are

just to not being here one day.

He wasn't here any days, idio, he doesn't exist!

Oh how could you say that?

Don't you believe in the afterlife?

What, afterlife implies life at some point.

He didn't have one.

(sobbing) Because he was so young.

He had hopes and dreams. He was a dream.

Yes he was to all of us who knew him.

Okay, I'm actually less worried about you now,

and I'm more worried about Caboose.

Caboose, he didn't exist.

You never knew anyone named Andersmith, none of us did.

Denial is an important stage in grieving.

Yeah, apparently denial is an important part

of reality too.

Yeah, take it from the guy who calls that chick

his girlfriend. Roger that.

Over and out, Command.

Oh shit, she's done with her call!

Quick, uh, talk about something else (stammers)!

Like what?

Anything. anything!

(stammers) Okay, you know what,

I think you're right, Tucker, cows can't talk,

but maybe they can't talk because no one ever taught 'em

how to do that, right?

That might have been the worst ad-lib ever.

You just blew my mind with the cow thing.

That ain't hard dude. All right, here's the deal,

I'm gonna stick around

until we get this dead guy thing solved.

Oh, really?

Well that's great, isn't that perfect, Tucker?

Don't gloat. Yes, Ms. Scary.

I have a question, how are we going to fix

the dead guy being dead? Oh we're not.

We're gonna even the teams.

Come on, let's go up the hill, and kill one of the Reds.

Then I can get out of this mud puddle.

Oh? Hey,

I'll even let you pick which one, come on, let's go.

Well this sounds like fun?

Let's pack a picnic.

We could always just eat the Red we kill.

Hey Church, pick the fat guy!

Hey, Grif, have you seen Simmons?

Yeah, we're working on some equipment together.

(equipment whooshing) Together?

Yeah, he went up the hill,

he said he needed my help, so I said,

"No problem, I'll be there in a few minutes."

When was that? About five hours ago.

Oh, so how is the project going?

Well, he hasn't asked for help again,

which means I haven't had to think of a new excuse,

so I'd say it's going great!

What's he doing? I don't know

He's got some new toys or something up there,

I guess he's testing 'em out.

Toys? Yeah.

Toys is a broad term, Grif.

It can mean a lot of things.

Gadgets. Go on.

Electronic devices.

I think I'll go check this out for myself.

You do that.

If I could just riddle free a little,

maybe I can loosen this!

There, I'm free, now to take my place on Red Team again.

Man, Lopez was right, I do say my thoughts out loud a lot.

I wonder why I do that?

I'm still doing it, I really should try to stop.

Okay, that was the last one.

Hey, I did it!

(tense dramatic music)

Okay! Well, I just ran everything again.

All calculations are up to date,

taking into account standard delays for communication

and response time.

Our window looks good! I agree.

Well, you should,

I'm sure you'd make the same calculations I did.

Just, you know more slowly.

Arrogance is a rather unbecoming trait, Alpha.

Are you seriously giving me a lecture

on arrogance right now?

Heads up, you've got a visitor.

Director? Log off.

Yeah, yeah, way ahead of ya, bud.

Yes, Agent Carolina?

The team is ready, sir.

Excellent, let us begin.

Agents, your mission today is by far the most important

you have undertaken to date.

As our Number One, Carolina will be leading from the field.

Okay, here's what we have.

As you may have heard,

there is suspected Insurrection activity in this area.

Our intel says that members of the UNSC

loyal to the Insurrection have acquired a high-level asset,

and are holding it in this secure location.

It's a 110-story building in the middle

of an urban environment.

What does security look like?

They have enough troops

to fill a 110-story building.

So, that's a lot of security.

We're up to it.

Our job is to infiltrate the building,

work our way up to the floor where the Sarcophagus

is being held, and secure it.

The Sarcophagus?

That is what we are calling

the primary objective.

But since this is a high-level asset,

we need to access a key code to open the Sarcophagus.

I'm guessing they don't keep that

just taped to the side.

It's held by an official of the program

who will be moving in a vehicle along the freeway

between inspections.

That's when we'll hit the facility.

We need to acquire targets within minutes of each other.

If we fail that, the remaining target will enter lockdown,

and we miss our window.

We will not have another chance at this.

So that means two teams.

Two teams.

Team A will consist of me, Wash, and Maine.

We will work infiltration on the Package's storage facility.

York is still in the infirmary, so Wash,

you will have to pull off picking duty.

Um, okay.

Guess I'll re-read my field manual on the transport.

Hey, don't be so quick to give away my job.

York?

I thought you were in the hospital.

According to their records, I am.

How's your eye?

It's okay, docs will let me out tomorrow.

Tomorrow, huh?

Look, I couldn't let you guys have all the fun

without me, besides, you need someone to get you in.

Listen, I'm happy to see him too,

but this mission, I don't know.

Hey, if York says he's good, then he's good.

It's your call, boss.

You're good, right?

Okay, look, I said I was okay.

Good might be overselling it a little.

It's settled, then.

York will join Team A and get them in the facility.

Thank you, sir.

Transport will be two lightly-equipped

Pelican dropships.

We're rigged for fast-running only people.

No heavy armaments.

Team B will be North, Wyoming, and CT.

You will act as recon for Team A,

and once we enter the building,

you will disengage to attack the target on the freeway.

North will lead Team B. Got it.

What about Agent South?

Agent South will not be accompanying you

on this mission.

Hm, guess the world's a tough place

when you move down a rank.

And where's our new recruit, will she be joining us?

That's enough questions, Connecticut.

Notice he didn't say no...

Team B should be simple.

Stop the vehicle and grab the case.

Team A, you have more of a challenge.

Mainly if the Sarcophagus is an unknown.

How unknown are we talking?

Unknown in that we don't know its size,

or its weight, or its dimensions.

We just know it will have these markings somewhere

on the exterior.

I saw those same markings on the oil platform.

Correct.

That facility created the primary objective.

Do we know what's inside it?

Yes, we know.

How do we know what's in it, but not how big it is?

Sorry, sir.

We have a job to do, people.

Let's do it right and come home safe.

That is all, you are dismissed!

Yes, sir!

(tense dramatic music) (spaceships whooshing)

Okay, pick one. Anyone?

Well, preferably one on that side of the canyon,

but I'm not all that choosy.

Why are you looking at me when you say that?

No reason, just pick one, and take the shot.

I'll cover you if they attack.

You mean, shoot them with this?

What else?

He's really not that great with that thing.

Give me a break, you're a soldier.

Yeah, well that's debatable.

Hit the rock over there.

Okay.

(gunshots booming)

Ugh. Ya see, I think the,

the sun reflected off the rockface there, and.

Just give me the damn rifle.

Yeah okay, thanks.

Hey Simmons, did you hear that?

(speaking in a foreign language)

I'm sure it's nothing.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Good point, Simmons, back to work!

Dude, this has to be embarrassing for you.

I don't really want to talk about it.

All right, come on, it's not that hard.

Which one should we take out?

The pink one, the orange one.

Pretty sure he's yellow.

Is it me, or does he seem a little slow?

Yeah, Caboose was held back a grade, or two.

I meant the orange one.

(laughs) Oh, yeah, he's just fat.

What about the red one, I mean, he's the leader,

he seems tough, or maybe the maroon one?

He looks like he's up to something.

Yeah, I don't know?

I can't really decide which one.

Maybe we should put it to a vote.

You know what, screw it!

The maroon one is closest, we'll just shoot him.

(gunshot booming) Ow.

Uh, nice shot. Thanks.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Oh my God, Simmons!

How did this happen?

Wow, that was pretty fuckin' brutal.

Andersmith, I kept my promise.

You have been avenged.

You know what, let me shoot another one.

I think you guys could use the advantage.

Um, are ya, are you sure?

There was so much we had left to talk about!

Like our feelings, and hopes, and dreams!

And why most of your insides are wires!

How could you just explode like this?

We could have talked, you coulda told me what was wrong!

No (sobs)!

Eh, maybe I'll let that one live.

Might demoralize the rest of 'em.

Good idea. Come on, let's pack it in.

Does anybody else feel really, really dirty

about this, and not the good kind of really, really dirty?

(tense dramatic music) (spaceships whooshing)

Team A, you look clear, window is open.

Start your clocks.

On my mark, mark.

Sync, roger that, Team A is moving.

Copy that, Carolina, good luck, Team A.

Thanks, we won't need it.

Alright Bravo, lets move out.

We have three minutes until first alert.

Let's have our target in hand by two.

(tense dramatic music)

We're in.

York, get up here.

How long to crack that lock?

Should take about 60 seconds.

You can give me 15.

Wow, it's a holographic.

That's high-end.

Can you get through it?

Of course I can.

You didn't bring me along for my good looks, did you?

Whoever designed this is a genius.

(alarm blaring) You were saying?

Okay, I take it back,

whoever designed this is an asshole, there.

(doors whooshing)

Everybody in. Thanks, York,

but do something about that alarm system.

We don't need anymore surprises.

Does saying sorry count as something?

Hm, guess not.

We'll secure the package.

Set some trackers, and then find us a way out of this.

Moving.

What the?

Looks like we got an alert on Sector Seven.

That's the vault, take a team up there now.

(uptempo cheery music)

Simmons is dead?

I can't believe he's gone.

Well, you know what they say in a time like this.

He may be dead, but he's never truly gone.

Until we get rid of all his gross body parts.

Grif, go fetch a garbage pail.

Sarge, I'm grieving here,

can't making up excuses to avoid work wait till later?

You're right, Grif.

I suppose someone should say a few words.

Anybody?

Come mon who knew him best, Donut?

Um, I think he said he liked gum once.

I don't know, that's kind of all I got.

How about you, Grif?

Me, why me?

Come on, Grif and Simmons.

You guys were inseparable!

Surely you guys must have gotten to know each other

over the years. Yeah, I don't know.

He would talk a lot and I'd lose interest immediately,

and then he would ask me a question,

and I would just go "Huh, what, oh yeah, sure Simmons.

Whatever you say."

It wasn't a perfect system, but it was ours (sobs).

But he always stayed by your side.

Isn't there anything you remember him telling you?

Huh, Oh uh, yeah Sarge, whatever.

What about you, sir?

Simmons always loved helping you.

He did have a knack for following orders.

Sometimes I'd, make things up, just to keep him off my back.

One time I told him to disassemble the jeep, and rebuild it,

just to keep him busy, (laughs) I'll miss doing that.

Guys, guys, I'm free!

Oh, wow, you already killed Lopez, awesome.

Can it, Simmons, we're trying to give your eulogy!

But I'm not dead, wait,

you guys are talking about me, in a good way?

Oh Nevermind, go ahead, please, continue.

Gentlemen, we are here to pay our last respects

to Simmons, who died so suddenly, and so violently.

Oh man, this is the best day ever.

Simmons wore maroon armor, he talked a lot,

and did some work,

also, he liked gum.

The end.

What, that's it, that's my funeral?

Not quite, let's get that garbage pail.

I remembered the gum thing.

I'd never imagined that my death

could somehow be worse than my life,

but here it is, bitchin'.

I contributed to the talks a lot part.

I don't talk a lot, I talk a regular amount.

Do you really think I talk a lot?

Huh, oh yeah, sure Simmons, whatever.

I hate you.

Oh man, I just realized!

I could've made a flower arrangement for the funeral!

Ah, there's just so few chances to do that around here.

Don't worry Donut, I'm sure one of us

will get killed again soon.

Aw, you're just trying to make me feel better,

and I love that about you.

All right everyone, spread out.

What we need is here somewhere.

It's probably something small, easy to miss.

Take as many scans as possible,

there may be other things here we can use.

(tense dramatic music)

That's a good look.

Carolina, Motion Trackers indicate

you got an enemy team outside the door.

Well, let's hope they're not as good

at picking locks as you are, York.

All right team, we're about to have company.

Boss, I have good news and bad news.

Hit me.

We found the markings we're looking for.

The bad news is

they're on that.

That?

Team A, I got us an exit up here.

Straight up the stairwell, door to the roof, helipad.

Copy, I'll radio air support.

Now, how are we going to get that thing up to the roof?

York, I saw a window-washing unit

when we came into the facility,

can you find where it attaches to the building?

I don't know, that's a tough one.

Let me see what I can do.

What're you up to?

Improvising, come here Maine.

Improvising, I hate it when we do that.

(welder whooshing)

you better hurry!

Maine, it should work fine.

You're the only one heavy enough to counterbalance.

Too high.

Oh, don't be a baby.

(Maine grunting) (gunshot booming)

(Maine whooshing)

Hey, did you hear that noise?

Probably the sound of you being an idiot.

Oh, you're probably right, dick-biscuit.

(trolley clanking)

Package is here.

Stop right there or we'll shoot?

(stammers) We're gonna need bigger handcuffs.

Is, is that a knife?

Rifle, kni-knifle (screams)?

Well that oughta buy us some time.

I almost feel bad for the people down there.

Don't. What, I said almost.

(tense dramatic music)

(doors clanking) (gunshots booming)

(tense dramatic music)

What the fuck is with this guy?

(flame whooshing) Whoa, that's hot!

(gunshots booming)

(Washington grunting)

(flame whooshing)

I've got this, what the (screams)?

Ooh.

(explosion booming)

What the hell, it bounces?

Who designs a gun that bounces?

This is the worst gun ever of all (grunts).

Stay low.

(flame whooshing)

(Carolina grunting) (plane creaking)

(gunshots booming)

(flame whooshing)

(explosion booming)

(debris clanking)

That guy was a dick!

Come on, let's get moving, Wash!

That bit with the purple plane?

That was just showing off.

(plane clanking)

Come on, come on, hurry!

There, that oughta hold 'em for a while.

Okay, maybe not, hey, where's Maine?

Downstairs, keeping our hosts occupied.

Man, I almost feel bad for them.

That's what I said!

Four-Seven Niner, this is Team Alpha!

We need evac on the roof of the tower!

Roger that, I'm on it.

Come on, it's up here.

You, what are you doing here?

Is that a bomb?

I knew it, it was you who blew up the oil platform!

That thing blew up?

Somebody's been covering our tracks.

You're on the roster too, but they hid your name.

Why did they send you?

Hey, hate to bust up your reunion here,

but we've got a problem. (door thudding)

Let's go, go, go, now!

Get into position!

Completely surround them!

(footsteps thudding) (planes whooshing)

No one get behind me!

Drop your weapons!

You, dickhead, disarm the bomb!

Easy, easy, no reason to get all dramatic!

Okay, let me take a crack. Just fuckin' do it already!

Easy, easy, man.

Uh, this isn't a bomb, it's a transmitter.

All right, it's not a bomb!

Wait, a transmitter, what's it transmitting?

Our location.

Why would it do that?

(tense dramatic music) (camera whooshing)

System online, Director, awaiting your command.

If I may, Director, I think it would be wise if we-

Shut up, Counselor. Of course, sir.

(laser beeping)

What the hell?

There were four of 'em here, what the fuck is going on?

What did I say, I said one thing, keep them in front of me!

Hey man, you mind holding this for me for a sec?

What? Thank you.

(transmitter beeping) (tense dramatic music)

Target locked.

Fire. Firing main cannon.

(laser whooshing)

Oh, son of a. (explosion booming)

(building crumbling)

This must be karma for kicking Maine

out the window!

I don't wanna do this! Son of a bitch!

(soft gentle music)

(soldier screaming) (wind howling)

♪ Insane breakneck pace ♪

♪ No brakes full speed ahead on this chase ♪

Line it up, come on!

Come on, stay on target!

♪ Ooh, what I'm gonna do ♪

♪ Me and the crew, one false move-we through ♪

♪ Stress level high, it's a full court press ♪

♪ Can't guess wrong, the result is death ♪

♪ Adrenaline filled like a kid named Ritalin ♪

♪ Gotta get away from this bullshit middleman ♪

♪ Pushed to the max, no time to relax ♪

♪ 'Cause if we ain't swift, we facin' the ax ♪

♪ But I ain't tryin' to hear it float like a spirit ♪

(screams) Ow!

Hold on!

♪ Unaware of what awaits us next ♪

Get the package back to Command, now!

On it! Well, there goes our ride.

You think maybe we should've had

a fallback plan?

Hey, what happened to Maine?

Whoa, are we in a car?

♪ Landin' safe on the back of the truck ♪

♪ Now we ride through the streets talk about good luck ♪

♪ Man that was tough, jumpin' off the building ♪

(explosion booming)

(all screaming) (tires screeching)

♪ Still represent, still talkin' that shit ♪

♪ Still hit your chest like a blast from the fifth ♪

♪ Ain't no stopping, I'm a keep it poppin ♪

♪ Rollin, rockin', pure hip-hoppin' ♪

Command, this is Four Seven Niner.

The Sarcophagus is secure,

I repeat, the Sarcophagus is secure, we are inbound.

I managed to get two agents aboard.

So, jetpacks, huh?

Remaining team member's status is unknown.

(Tex whooshing)

That was interesting.

(spaceship whooshing)

Tucker, come on man, help me.

I need to find a way to have her stick around a bit longer.

Oh yeah sure, no problem.

Maybe you and your girlfriend (cellphone dinging) find time

to go on a killing spree, do some real bonding.

Tucker.

Oh, that's right, not your girlfriend.

Just the girl that you're stalking

through multiple planes of existence.

(Church grunting) Romantically.

Please, I just need a little more time.

Why, who cares?

I do, I'm supposed to do this.

Fine, where is she now?

She's talking with Caboose.

Well that should keep her busy

for at least a few minutes.

Half an hour if she starts asking him math problems.

Hey, I'm gonna stick around a while longer.

You are, I mean you are?

Yeah. Caboose here said you guys need some help

with the tank, so I figured I could help with that too.

What can I say, I like the kid.

Plus I paid her a $100.

Yeah, that too. Money,

why didn't I think of that?

Because you don't have any money?

Good point, hey Caboose, give me some money!

Okay, wait, is this a trick.

I'll pay you a $100 to show me how it works.

I can't believe you guys didn't know

this was Lopez, and not me.

What do you expect, he had the perfect disguise.

He painted himself maroon badly!

Exactly, how could anyone be expected

to see through that?

He spoke Spanish, no one else does.

That did seem weird at first,

but you always go through those annoying phases.

Like, remember that time you were gonna learn to play banjo,

or the time you were gonna be a vegan?

What do you mean phases, I am a vegan,

and I can play the banjo.

I know, and isn't all that annoying?

But you couldn't figure it out.

You don't know me at all.

To be fair, we didn't know Lopez either.

We knew you both equally as little,

so you can see how we'd get confused.

Also, we didn't really care.

Yeah, but Lopez was here a day.

I've been here for years.

You have?

See, I'm learning new stuff about you already.

Now the next time an evil robot tries to take your place,

I'll have questions to ask it.

Shut up, why the hell am I the one cleaning up

my own body, this is insulting.

Hey what do you think he was using all this equipment for?

I don't know, boring stuff, who cares?

Hm.

Oh, wait, I forgot, you like boring stuff.

Nevermind what I said, I'm sure it's something for sports.

It looks like we have a mystery to solve.

What're you, 12?

Hey, uh, hey you got a second?

Sure, what do you want to talk about?

No, not you Caboose, I wanna talk to Tex.

Oh, go ahead.

I wanna talk to her alone.

You can't talk to someone alone,

there has to be two people.

Those are the rules, I don't make them.

By myself.

Well, I suppose she could stand pretty far away,

and then you can yell, that might, that might work.

Caboose, I would like for you to leave.

Oh I, I get it, I'm so, I'm so embarrassed,

I'll just go over there for a little while.

Thank you. Come on, Tex.

No, no, no, no, no, Tex please,

can you help me out here? Oh no, no, no.

I'm sure this conversation is a lot more entertaining,

than whatever you wanna say to me.

(uptempo cheery music) (ground rumbling)

Men, thanks for gathering so quickly.

It appears we have a crisis on our hands.

I'm now going to turn this meeting over

to our Chief Science Engineer, Simmons.

Oh, finally some respect.

Who's gonna talk for a little while,

but not too much,

and he's not going to over explain things

in that way he does, and then he's gonna stop talking,

and turn the meeting back over to me, Simmons.

Thank you Sarge.

Men, I have made a grave discovery.

Analyzing equipment that Lopez was using,

I have found that the planet is undergoing

a total seismic breakdown.

There's clear evidence of an unstoppable chain of events

which is leading to a full systemic collapse.

Now I realize this may cause some of you to panic.

Or, it may confuse most of you,

because you don't understand what I said.

Can we wrap this up please.

The world is breaking, we're all gonna die.

What? Why would you tell us

like that, it's like ripping off a Band Aid!

You know what, fuck you guys.

Stupid people get to live a life of worry and fear,

you're all doomed. This is the worst news ever.

Men don't worry.

We've got a plan in place to resolve the problem.

I can't wait to hear this.

Now we all know that the planet

is trying to kill us, so we need to strike back,

and quickly, scare the crap out of it.

What? Grif,

what's that bad sci-fi movie where they discover

a natural disaster and their first attempt to solve

the problem is to use a huge bomb?

That's every bad sci-fi movie, Sir.

Exactly, so that's what we're gonna do.

Now here's the plan.

We're going to build an enormous drilling machine,

and institute my three-phase plan.

Step one, bust through the crust,

step two, skedaddle through the mantle,

step three, bore to the core.

Once in the core,

we'll set off an enormous bomb to stabilize the planet.

How will a bomb stabilize the planet?

It won't, duh.

But through a series of dramatic setbacks, calamities,

and yes, hopefully a few of us dying on the mission,

we will find the true cause and solution to the problem,

and save the world. Seriously?

I like the plan. Me too, let's do it.

Great, I'll get to work on the drill.

Donut, you find the deepest darkest hole

where we can stick it in.

I have a list of candidates right here!

Grif, I need you to build us a bomb.

How the hell do I do that?

Find a way, Son, time is short.

Okay, I guess I'll look on the Internet?

Excellent, let's get to work.

Men, we've got a planet to fight,

I mean save, whatever.

Team B report, Team B!

Team B is down!

We have wounded, and are taking fire.

We'll be right there.

Negative, get the package, get it out of the city.

Roger that.

Reading Team B's tracker.

Okay, there he is I got him.

We'll cut 'em off at that overpass, go, go!

It was right there.

Come in, Mother of Invention.

We read you Agent Texas, go ahead.

FILSS, I need you to fire ordinance pod 0401

to my position.

I am sorry, but I cannot verify the contents

of that pod, protocol dictates that all-

Just fire it, FILSS.

Acknowledged, safety protocol override.

Firing pod 0401.

(pod whooshing)

(pod thudding) (tense dramatic music)

Hello there.

Did you fucking hear that?

No man, no-

You didn't hear that, it was like.

(car engine growling) (tires screeching)

How about that, did you hear that?

Yeah, yeah, I heard it.

(uptempo rock music)

(Maine thudding) (tires screeching)

(blade whooshing)

(car engine governing) (ratchet clanking)

Come on, damn it (sighs).

Still won't start, huh?

No, but it's getting there.

Did you try checking the starter?

Oh, what a brilliant idea.

Next you're gonna' ask me if I tried the keys.

You have keys? No.

How do you know so much about vehicles?

Well, during the training.

We had to learn to care for our equipment,

plus I've always liked cars.

Uh training, huh?

Was that before. Before what?

Before I was killed?

Before you brought me back as whatever I am now?

Oh, you know about that?

Well, of course I do, I know what you know.

You made me. Well no, not me.

Yeah, whatever, him.

Hey, why did he do it?

Don't even remember when you first came around,

you were just kinda' there one day.

It was like uh, a training session, or something like that.

(sighs) Yeah, Wyoming and Maine, big dummies.

Well, why did he bring you back?

You know what, Church, I don't know?

You tell me.

He didn't exactly ask me what I wanted,

I just kind of came along for the ride, I didn't get a vote.

But you were there when Alpha was there.

Nobody else was.

I don't know, what can I say?

I guess we were inseparable. (car engine growling)

There you go, tank's fixed!

See what happens when you treat something right?

Yeah.

Yeah, as a matter of fact I think I do.

Nice work, Maine. Thanks.

Yeah, subtle as always.

Response team is probably on the way.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Hold on!

(car engine growling) (planes whooshing)

Comin' through!

(tires screeching) Excuse me!

Look out!

Here they come!

(tense dramatic music) (planes whooshing)

Behind us!

(gunshots booming) (metal clanking)

(singing in a foreign language)

Maine! Protect the briefcase!

Maine?

Sniper!

(gunshots booming) (tires screeching)

(car engine growling)

(explosion booming) (soldier screaming)

Gotcha!

(explosion booming) (tires screeching)

(gunshots booming) (soldier grunting)

Punch it! It's punched!

(jetpack whooshing) (punches thudding)

(Carolina grunting)

Got it.

Hold on!

(barrels clanking)

(gunshots clanking)

Would you quit throwin' shit!

On your left, on your left! (gunshots booming)

(tires screeching) (jetpack whooshing)

Watch it, watch it!

(Maine grunting) (tense dramatic music)

(punchers thudding) (kicks thudding)

On the right!

(blade whooshing) (gunshots booming)

Come on!

(punches thudding) (Maine grunting)

(gunshots booming)

No!

(Carolina grunting)

(gunshots booming) (punches thudding)

(Carolina grunting)

(cartridge clanking) (Maine grunting)

(explosion booming) (tires screeching)

(truck thudding)

(all thudding) (car horns honking)

(jetpack whooshing) (car engine growling)

(gunshots booming)

(panel buzzing)

Don't let her grab it first!

Who cares who gets it first!

I do!

(alarm blaring)

Bail out! Bailing!

(car thudding)

Man, I've got to quit jumping off stuff, man.

(plane whooshing) (car engine growling)

Fall back, Agent Carolina, I've got this!

You fall back!

(explosion booming)

Whoa!

(jetpack whooshing)

(grapple whooshing) (wind howling)

(singing in a foreign language)

(both grunting)

(car horn honking)

(soldier grunting)

(metal clanking) (car engine growling)

Command, the package is secure, headin' home.

(over radio) Excellent work, Agent Texas.

Thank you sir.

Better luck next time, Carolina.

(tense dramatic music)

(uptempo dramatic music)

(cargo door whooshing)

Hey Blues, you suck,

yeah you, you fucking piece of shit, you suck!

Jesus, is that guy still yelling?

Yes.

He's been yelling all morning.

(grunts) We know.

Make him stop. And how am I gonna do that?

Shoot him with your snipe.

Ah, Nevermind, I realized how stupid that sounded

as soon as I started to say it.

Hey, Blues, you still suck!

Yeah, you, you fucking piece of shit, you suck!

Grif, what the hell are you doing up here?

I'm doing my job, Simmons.

I'm working on my part of the plan.

I thought your part of the plan

was to build a bomb?

Uh, yeah, but I don't know how to build a bomb.

Yeah, I know that, you don't know

how to do anything.

So, I'm yelling at the Blues, you guys still suck!

Until I make them mad enough to bomb our base, idiots!

So, not only will they make me a bomb,

I'll get them to deliver it for free.

You guys are lame, I hate you!

That is actually the most sensible part

of this plan I've heard so far.

Your years of laziness have finally paid off in full,

Private Grif.

Thank you very much, Private Simmons.

Now if you'll excuse me, somebody needs to be called a cunt.

As you were soldier.

Hey you, yeah, you, you dumb cunts, you suck!

Hey up there, what're you talking about, huh Blue?

Are you talking about how bad you suck?

Because that's what I'm doin'!

I'm talking about it right here, only louder, way louder!

Because I'm yelling Blue Team sucks!

Hey Blue Team, why're you so sad?

Is it because you suck so bad?

I think it might be!

That's it, I'm taking those fuckers out!

Caboose, get my toolkit.

Woo hoo, success.

(uptempo cheery music)

What the hell is that?

That, is my bomb.

You guys had an unused robot kit,

so I used the parts from it to make this bad boy.

Oh, robot kit, right.

We don't need that now, because I never died.

That makes sense. Right.

That was Andersmith's job. Stop it.

This thing doesn't look like a bomb.

It looks like a basketball. Oh yeah?

Well you don't look much like a soldier, dickhead.

Looks like a basketball,

sounds like a fucking asshole, great.

I had to include the voice synthesizer,

because it had the power unit, so now it can talk.

In other words, you want me to blow stuff up,

you're gonna have to blow me first.

Well he's pleasant. What do you expect?

He's a bomb, you want him to be polite,

or you want him to kill stuff?

I want him to shut up.

Anybody care what I want?

How about Tucker's mother polishing me, 24-

Fuck this, I'm out.

Out, just like I got outta your sister!

Hey, fuck you bowling ball!

Okay, let's plant this bad boy.

Yeah, let's go!

Hey uh, don't forget to lift with your legs, Tex.

Yeah, I know how to lift, jackass.

I've been carrying this team the entire time I've been here.

I know I said I was leaving,

but that was actually a really good burn, zing!

Men, today is the day that will carry us

to victory against the planet.

You can't fight a planet!

Now I know there's been nay-sayers along the way,

but thankfully we haven't listened to Simmons.

We stuck to the plan.

Donut, do we have our drilling spot?

Ready for action, Sir!

Excellent, Grif, is the bomb ready?

Huh, should be here any minute?

Perfect, and here's our drilling machine,

that will take us to the center of the Earth-like planet!

Wow, it's huge!

You built that? You know it.

Sarge, even I have to admit

that that's pretty amazing.

You know what's even more amazing?

None of us saw it until he pointed it out to us.

Thanks, it took a lot of work and planning.

I almost didn't get it done.

Where did you even get the materials

to build this? I mined them

using my excavator,

that one.

What?

(camera whooshing) (uptempo cheery music)

How did you build that?

I didn't, I ordered it online, Red Army Catalog.

But why didn't we just?

You know what, Nevermind. Once again I have to say,

none of us saw that until he pointed it out.

All right men, it's time to put up, or shut up.

Let's do this, Grif, we're gonna need that bomb.

Uh, yeah, I uh, just, uh, give me a minute...

Grif, don't tell me that you didn't-

Ahem, hi there.

Yo, all right, there we go, one bomb as requested.

You're welcome.

(laughs) Great, I take back all the things

I ever said about you, Grif. My pleasure Sir.

Tick, tick, tick, tick!

(grunts) Why is this bomb ticking?

Oh right, I didn't think that part of the plan

through all the way I guess.

Uh, we're all gonna die now.

Grif, I take back the takin' back.

(explosion booming)

Keep it in its case,

and don't let it touch anything else.

Hello there, do you know your name?

I am confused.

Do not be concerned.

That is completely natural given your state.

My state?

Was I injured?

No, do you feel as though you have been injured?

Counselor please.

Do not be concerned.

You're fine, you're safe.

Once again, do you know your name?

Yes, I know my name.

My name is Alpha.

No, your name is not Alpha.

You are mistaken.

I am sorry, I am confused.

Do not be concerned.

This is perfectly normal given your state.

Would you like to know your name?

Yes please, I would like to know my name.

I feel very confused.

Your name is Delta.

That is your name.

Delta? Yes.

You are very wise, Delta.

And it is very nice to meet you.

I think I remember you.

No, you have never met us before.

You did not exist before today.

Today is your birthday.

Today is a great day.

Do you know your name?

My name is Delta.

That is correct.

Delta, this is the Director.

He's going to take good care of you.

I am glad to hear that.

I am very confused.

Don't worry Delta, that will not last long,

and when you feel better,

we are going to do incredible things together you and I.

Incredible things. (tense dramatic music)

30,

29, 28. Ah, we're all gonna die!

More importantly, I'm going to die!

That's the worst part!

Men, remain calm, this is no time to panic.

25, 24.

Sir, the world is shaking apart,

the ground is opening up to swallow us,

and we're holding a bomb that will wipe us all up

before any of that happens.

I submit to you that if there is any time to panic,

this is that time! 20,

19, 18.

18 You're right, Simmons!

I guess this is it everyone!

Does anyone have anything they wanna say?

I do!

Well, gosh, this is such an honor!

I have so many people to thank.

All the little people-

Donut! This is not the time

for your pre-rehearsed Academy award speech!

Well, if I don't use it now, when am I going to?

10,

nine,

eight- Men, it's been an honor

to serve with you,

and I say that using the loosest possible definition

of both the words, honor and serve.

Six, five.

My only regret is that I don't have more regrets!

Four, three.

Well, if I'm gonna die,

then I may as well be honest; I never respected any of you,

I thought I was better than all of you this entire time,

I think my skills were underappreciated,

and I wasted my life knowing all of you.

In a way, I'm sad to die,

but I'm glad knowing none of you will live either.

There, I said it.

One, kaboom!

Uh, wait, uh, ka, ka, damn it!

(strains) Kaboom!

Kaboom (grunts).

The bomb was a dud?

(stutters) I swear that's never happened before.

So, did you wanna finish your thought there,

Simmons?

Well, this is awkward.

Yeah, tell me about it.

(uptempo cheery music)

Okay, we're all set!

Okay, I'm driving.

What, fuck no!

Come on, Church, get in!

I'm not coming. You're not?

Nah, you guys go, good luck.

I don't know how much time we have left.

I think I'd rather spend it someplace I like.

Oh, and if you see Agent Washington, do me a favor,

and tell him I said, memory is the key.

He'll know what that means.

Oh, and also, tell him I said thanks, good luck guys.

Well, I'm going.

You can sit around til the world ends,

but as long as I'm here,

there's something I can do about it.

Tex, I wouldn't expect anything less.

Church, I-

Ah, crap!

This tank needs to move, right now!

Everyone, get in the digger!

It's no use, Sarge, there's no time!

Repent, repent, give up your evil ways!

The end is nigh!

Oh shut up, Donut!

Yeah, did you suddenly find God or something?

Yeah, I've never been much for religion.

But I figure I can get it just under the wire.

Why not change my bet?

Calm down, the world is not ending.

Everything will be just fine.

Everyone always thinks the world's gonna end

during their lifetime, but the truth is none of us

are that cool or interesting, so get over it.

At the current rate of decay,

the world will shake itself apart in just a few minutes!

Hey, does this team's health insurance plan

cover the apocalypse?

Oh, give it a rest, Andy.

The list changed again.

Yep, lots of things changing these days.

And I think we've got more change on the way.

You feel it, too?

You know I felt it since Texas showed up,

and when cops and military started shooting at us,

yeah, I find that I just keep coming back

to the same question in my head over and over again.

And what question is that?

We're the good guys, right?

Yeah, of course we are.

You don't sound so sure of yourself.

No,

no, I suppose I don't.

(tense dramatic music)

I'm trying, I understand,

(stammers) I just need more time to.

I have to go.

What are you looking at?

Mind your own business.

I should say the same.

(uptempo cheery music)

Punch it, Tucker! I am punching it!

Well, punch it harder, wait, try kicking it!

Caboose, this is as punched as this thing gets.

It's a tank, not a fucking Lamborghini!

Good luck guys.

So, think they'll make it?

Oh, I think they have enough time to squeeze

in one last adventure.

Can't really ask for more than that, can you?

Suppose not. So, you decided to stay?

Yep. Finally gave in,

and believed me, huh? Ah, not exactly.

I just figured you haven't steered me wrong so far,

why bet against a streak?

Well, come sit with me then.

I got some great seats for the end of the world.

I saved you one.

Okay, sure you wanna do this?

Yeah, you know it took a couple versions of me

to understand it but I think sometimes,

sometimes you just gotta let go,

and if you do, the things you let go sometimes come back

on their own.

They did today.

Wow, guess the theory has proven right then.

Nick of time. Yeah, I guess it was.

So any regrets?

Eh, a few.

I mean probably should've learned how to shoot

this damn sniper rifle.

You guys did have a lot of down time.

Could've practiced, I don't know, once or twice.

Well, what can I tell you?

Had other things on my mind, I guess.

(ground rumbling)

(sky tearing)

Double rainbow, what is that?

Some kinda crack.

The atmosphere must be breaking apart!

Repent, repent, the end is here!

Well, I'll be in my bunk.

Gonna catch some Z's, see you guys.

You're choosing to die while taking a nap.

It's how I lived, Simmons, it's how I lived.

You know, in some weird way,

I actually respect that.

Adios, dirtbag.

(ground rumbling)

I guess this is it.

Hey Tex, there's something I need to tell you.

I think it's important that I say this.

Wait a second.

Look, I can take the whole-at-peace-with-the-world thing,

and I could even stomach all the accept-your-fate stuff.

But just do me a favor, okay?

Don't say goodbye, I hate goodbyes.

I mean, we are space warriors, right?

We should try to maintain some level of credibility.

No, no, no, Tex, no.

I think I just figured out what the Director couldn't,

and Alpha either.

It was you, Tex, all along.

See I thought, I thought we made you.

The Director, and the fragments,

but that's not the case, you made us.

When the Alpha was created,

you just kinda came along for the ride.

You gave the Director the idea

that he could make something more.

That he could split the Alpha up.

Don't you get it, you were the memory, you were the key.

You were so strong, you made a whole other person.

God, he always wanted to find you.

You know, to get you right.

To just see you one last time.

And he wanted me to be able to do the same.

To find you in here, or, to find you in here,

or just, go down another iteration.

Figured out this little Tex problem.

Figured out how to do it right.

But now I know, I know how to fix all of this.

How to end it once and for all.

It was so simple all along.

I just had to tell you three words.

Three words I wasn't capable of telling you before.

Oh, okay, wait a minute,

are you gonna say, I love you?

No Tex, no,

I'm not gonna say I love you,

I'm gonna say I forget you.

(ground rumbling)

I forget you.

I'm letting you go.

Okay world, do your fucking worst!

'Cause I sure as hell just did mine.

It's opening! It's working!

What the fuck was that?

I see him, I see him, he's in there, he's okay!

Is that Caboose?

Is Caboose God?

I mean, I can kinda see it now that I think about it.

Sure would explain the fuck out of a platypus.

Well, that's just great, Caboose is God.

I guess that makes me the first person

in the history of the Universe

that doesn't wanna go to Heaven.

(grunts) Great job, Blue Team.

You find a way to make everything suck.

What, let me see, moron.

It's just a bunch of circuits.

Yeah, but they're glowing, he's alive!

Sarge, what're you doing up there?

What, is that me, and more importantly,

why am I talking with a Blue?

Attention enormous version of myself, I order you to attack!

No, no!

The memory unit isn't dying!

This isn't the end of the world,

it's a fucking rescue mission.

No!

Well get him outta there.

No, no, stop, stop it, leave me here!

(tense dramatic music)

Our next phase is ready to begin, Carolina.

We will be asking you to do a great, many things.

I'm ready Sir.

Some of these things might be questionable.

I'll do whatever it takes.

You've given me everything, I would do anything for you.

No, no, dammit, why, why did you do it?

Church, you're alive, see, I knew it.

See I told them, and she was right!

Yeah, we could get you out!

Alright then, we're square Blue.

We helped you get your shiny blue buddy out,

so that makes us- What're you doing here?

Saving you, and we found you in the place

where they were keeping you,

we traveled a really, really long way to come to this place,

and fought a bunch of people,

and then fought a bunch of more people,

and then we got you and took you and saved you, the end.

But why would you do that, why?

Well, clearly it wasn't to hear thank you.

Hey, we're taking fire out here!

Thank you, you fucked everything up@

I was at peace, I had it figured out, it was over!

Put me back!

Put you back?

Buddy, we just fought through an entire military base

to reach you, and now you wanna go back?

Yes!

She said we need you.

She was the one who knew how to get you out.

She, who're you, who're you talking about, Tex?

The real Tex?

Tex, no, no not Tex.

The new lady. New lady?

(doors whooshing) (uptempo dramatic music)

Hey there, Alpha.

Been looking for you for a long time.

Oh no.

Now that I've found you,

you're gonna help me do what I should have done years ago,

you're gonna help me kill the Director.

(tense dramatic music)

("Can't Trust anybody Now" by Jeff Williams)

♪ It's getting pointless ♪

♪ Trying to keep up this game ♪

♪ Broken friendships ♪

♪ Watching pleasure turn to pain ♪

♪ All around us ♪

♪ Lines are being drawn between ♪

♪ Don't believe them ♪

♪ They try to tell us we're a team ♪

♪ We like to think that there is something good ♪

♪ To hold on to ♪

♪ One simple reason keeps us hanging on ♪

♪ Hanging on ♪

♪ They're out to break us down, to run our lives ♪

♪ To rule our minds ♪

♪ Our days of destiny are gone ♪

♪ But your dreams have turned to fear ♪

♪ And it's pretty goddamn clear ♪

♪ That you know you can't trust anybody now ♪

♪ You think they help us ♪

♪ You think they give us everything ♪

♪ They'll just use us ♪

♪ Whatever bitter end to bring ♪

♪ It gets harder ♪

♪ They'll sacrifice you for their needs ♪

♪ Wake the fuck up ♪

♪ They'll have us crawling on our knees ♪

♪ You always dreamed that there'd more to life ♪

♪ Than all the lies ♪

♪ A place you'd find where you weren't all alone ♪

♪ All alone ♪

♪ But now you look around, at what you've learned ♪

♪ And face the truth ♪

♪ That you may never find a home ♪

♪ Now your smiles have turned in tears ♪

♪ And it's pretty goddamn clear ♪

♪ That you know you can't trust anybody now ♪

(uptempo dramatic music)