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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,392 --> 00:00:01,440 >> FOLKS, WE HAVE DONE OVER 1800 OF THESE SHOWS, AND MOST NIGHTS 2 00:00:01,440 --> 00:00:06,860 >> FOLKS, WE HAVE DONE OVER 1800 OF THESE SHOWS, AND MOST NIGHTS 3 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,419 I COME OUT HERE AND I TALK TO THE AUDIENCE BEFOREHAND AND 4 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:14,260 TONIGHT I THOUGHT I'D TALK TO THE AUDIENCE IN HERE AND THE 5 00:00:14,260 --> 00:00:15,879 AUDIENCE OUT THERE AT HOME. 6 00:00:16,020 --> 00:00:19,480 THIS SHOW, I WANT YOU TO KNOW AND YOU TO KNOW, HAS BEEN A JOY 7 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:20,700 FOR US TO DO FOR YOU. 8 00:00:20,939 --> 00:00:23,839 IN FACT, WE CALL THIS SHOW THE JOY MACHINE, ALL RIGHT? 9 00:00:24,100 --> 00:00:26,740 LOUIS STOLE IT FROM US AND WE ARE CURRENTLY IN LITIGATION 10 00:00:26,740 --> 00:00:27,419 RIGHT NOW. 11 00:00:27,419 --> 00:00:30,079 YOU BETTER LAWYER UP, BUDDY. 12 00:00:31,419 --> 00:00:34,500 WE CALL IT THE JOY MACHINE BECAUSE TO DO THIS MANY SHOWS, 13 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:36,540 IT HAS TO BE A MACHINE. 14 00:00:36,619 --> 00:00:37,955 >> Louis: YEAH. 15 00:00:38,036 --> 00:00:39,960 >> Stephen: BUT THE THING IS, IF YOU CHOOSE TO DO IT WITH JOY, IT 16 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,600 DOESN'T HURT AS MUCH WHEN YOUR FINGERS GET CAUGHT IN THE GEARS. 17 00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:47,400 AND I CANNOT ADEQUATELY EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK 18 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:51,380 HERE HAVE DONE FOR EACH OTHER AND HOW MUCH WE MEAN TO EACH 19 00:00:51,380 --> 00:00:51,900 OTHER. 20 00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:53,320 SO I WILL JUST SAY... 21 00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:02,340 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I WOULD JUST SAY TO THEM, I WOULD JUST 22 00:01:02,340 --> 00:01:05,459 SAY TO THEM YOU ARE ALL THE GREAT ACHILLES WHOM WE KNEW. 23 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,120 NOW, ON NIGHT ONE OF "THE COLBERT REPORT" BACK IN THE DAY, 24 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,000 I SAID ANYONE CAN READ THE NEWS TO YOU. 25 00:01:12,260 --> 00:01:14,400 I PROMISE TO FEEL THE NEWS AT YOU. 26 00:01:16,220 --> 00:01:19,580 AND I REALIZED PRETTY SOON IN THIS JOB THAT OUR JOB OVER HERE 27 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:20,319 WAS DIFFERENT. 28 00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:22,140 WE WERE HERE TO FEEL THE NEWS WITH YOU. 29 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:26,099 AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I SURE HAVE FELT IT. 30 00:01:27,039 --> 00:01:29,760 AND I JUST WANT TO LET ALL Y'ALL KNOW IN HERE AND OUT THERE HOW 31 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,460 IMPORTANT YOU'VE BEEN TO WHAT WE HAVE DONE. 32 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:36,280 THE ENERGY THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN US, WE SINCERELY NEED THAT TO 33 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,860 HAVE DONE THE BEST POSSIBLE SHOW WE COULD HAVE FOR YOU FOR THE 34 00:01:38,860 --> 00:01:39,680 LAST 11 YEARS. 35 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:40,500 YOU'VE GIVEN IT TO US. 36 00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:42,020 WE'VE GIVEN IT ALL RIGHT BACK TO YOU. 37 00:01:42,138 --> 00:01:44,840 WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THAT, LOUIS >> Louis: I WOULD CALL THAT A 38 00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:48,890 RECIPROCAL EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP. 39 00:01:49,011 --> 00:01:50,640 >> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT. 40 00:01:50,759 --> 00:01:54,200 BECAUSE WE LOVE DOING THE SHOW FOR YOU BUT WHAT WE REALLY LOVE 41 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,020 IS DOING THE SHOW WITH YOU. 42 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:02,300 NOW I'LL SAY TO YOU WHAT I'VE SAID TO EVERY AUDIENCE FOR THE 43 00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:04,260 LAST 11 YEARS AND I HAVE MEANT IT EVERY TIME. 44 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:05,920 HAVE A GOOD SHOW. 45 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:07,480 THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 46 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:09,300 AND LET'S DO IT, Y'ALL. 47 00:02:09,471 --> 00:02:14,409 >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN >> TONIGHT IS >> THE SERIES FINALE 48 00:02:14,579 --> 00:02:16,099 >> OF "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 49 00:02:16,203 --> 00:02:18,514 >> AND I'VE GOT TO SAY I'M NOT SURPRISED. 50 00:02:18,618 --> 00:02:21,515 >> BECAUSE FRANKLY ♪ IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME ♪ >> STEPHEN COLBERT 51 00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:22,620 >> SHOT A GUY ONCE. 52 00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:23,452 >> HE'S A MEAN GUY. 53 00:02:23,452 --> 00:02:24,387 HE LOOKS MEAN, DOESN'T HE? 54 00:02:24,387 --> 00:02:26,016 >> HE'S GETTING FATTER BY THE EPISODE. 55 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,659 >> HE'S GOT A TINY LITTLE >> GENETICALLY ALTERED WIENER. 56 00:02:28,759 --> 00:02:31,159 >> HE GOT CAUGHT MASTURBATING IN A >> SUBWAY TUNNEL. 57 00:02:31,257 --> 00:02:32,962 >> I WOULD RATHER >> WATCH >> "THE LATE SHOW" >> STARRING >> 58 00:02:33,060 --> 00:02:34,959 KANYE WEST AND VOLDEMORT. 59 00:02:35,139 --> 00:02:38,579 >> HE LOOKS LIKE A SHORT BUTCHE PEEPING OVER 2 POUNDS OF LIVER. 60 00:02:38,672 --> 00:02:40,206 >> WHATEVER THAT MEANS. 61 00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:41,740 >> I WISH I HAD AN ENDING FOR THIS BIT. 62 00:02:41,837 --> 00:02:45,575 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!" 63 00:02:45,672 --> 00:02:49,508 TONIGHT... 64 00:02:49,606 --> 00:02:53,441 HELLO GOODBYE! 65 00:02:53,539 --> 00:02:57,299 FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE GREAT BIG JOY MACHINE! 66 00:02:57,402 --> 00:03:01,976 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 67 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,684 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 68 00:03:05,788 --> 00:03:12,788 ♪ >> Stephen: HELLO! 69 00:03:18,817 --> 00:03:22,662 OH, MY GOODNESS! 70 00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:24,810 ♪ HELLO, FRIENDS! 71 00:03:24,915 --> 00:03:29,141 HELLO, FRIENDS! 72 00:03:29,246 --> 00:03:31,533 THAT'S VERY NICE. 73 00:03:31,636 --> 00:03:33,196 WELL! 74 00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:37,519 WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW" "THE LATE SHOW." 75 00:03:37,519 --> 00:03:39,420 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. SIT DOWN! 76 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:49,759 IF YOU'RE JUST TUNING IN TO "THE LATE SHOW," YOU MISSED A LOT. 77 00:03:51,180 --> 00:03:54,478 TONIGHT IS OUR FINAL BROADCAST FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER. 78 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:01,260 [BOOING] NO, NO, WE WERE LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE HERE FOR THE LAST 79 00:04:01,260 --> 00:04:02,519 11 YEARS, ALL RIGHT? 80 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,039 CAN'T TAKE THIS FOR GRANTED. 81 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:10,880 THOUGH TECHNICALLY OUR FIRST SHOW IN JULY OF 2015 WAS FROM A 82 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:15,620 PUBLIC ACCESS STATION IN MONROE MICHIGAN FOR AN AUDIENCE OF 12 83 00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:16,620 PEOPLE. 84 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,579 SHOW BUSINESS BEING WHAT IT IS THESE DAYS, THAT'S PROBABLY 85 00:04:19,579 --> 00:04:20,579 WHERE YOU'LL SEE ME NEXT. 86 00:04:21,940 --> 00:04:25,440 SO MUCH HISTORY IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER AND WE HAVE 87 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,439 BEEN HONORED TO HAVE BEEN JUST A SMALL PART OF IT. 88 00:04:27,439 --> 00:04:29,540 NICHOLS AND MAE PLAYED ON THIS STAGE. 89 00:04:29,820 --> 00:04:33,480 THE BEATLES MADE THEIR AMERICAN DEBUT HERE AND THIS IS TRUE, 90 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:37,020 THIS IS TRUE, BACKSTAGE ELVIS USED THE BATHROOM AND DIDN'T 91 00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:38,020 DIE. 92 00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:43,459 WE'VE HAD SO MUCH FUN IN THIS THEATER, SO MANY GREAT SEGMENTS. 93 00:04:43,940 --> 00:04:47,380 I WILL MISS DOING "FIRST DRAFT" WHERE I SHOW THE FINAL DRAFT OF 94 00:04:47,380 --> 00:04:50,720 A GRADING CARD AND SHALL BE PLAYFULLY WRONG FIRST DRAFT. 95 00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:53,159 WE MADE ONE FOR TONIGHT. 96 00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:55,839 THIS WAS PRETTY NICE. 97 00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:58,339 "THIS ISN'T GOODBYE. 98 00:04:59,219 --> 00:05:00,319 IT'S SEE YOU LATER." 99 00:05:00,719 --> 00:05:01,719 YES. 100 00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:06,079 BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID "THIS ISN'T GOODBYE. 101 00:05:06,919 --> 00:05:08,300 HOW DO YOU START AND ONLY FANS?" 102 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,800 YEAH, I'VE GOT THE TOOTSIES. 103 00:05:17,319 --> 00:05:20,060 AT FIRST WE KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO BE OUR LAST NIGHT WE WERE 104 00:05:20,780 --> 00:05:24,500 PLANNING ON DOING A HUGE SPECIAL THIS EVENING BUT THE THING IS WE 105 00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:27,039 LIKE TO THANK EVERY EPISODE OF "THE LATE SHOW" IS KIND OF 106 00:05:27,039 --> 00:05:28,039 SPECIAL. 107 00:05:28,460 --> 00:05:31,240 WE THOUGHT THE BEST WAY TO CELEBRATE WHAT WE'VE DONE OVER 108 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:34,860 THE LAST 11 YEARS IS TO JUST DO A REGULAR EPISODE WHERE I COME 109 00:05:34,860 --> 00:05:37,600 OUT HERE AND TALK ABOUT THE NATIONAL CONVERSATION AND 110 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:42,000 UNDENIABLY TODAY THE BIG STORY THAT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT 111 00:05:42,173 --> 00:05:43,846 -- >> EXCUSE ME. 112 00:05:44,019 --> 00:05:45,019 STEPHEN, EXCUSE ME. 113 00:05:45,019 --> 00:05:46,019 >> Stephen: BRYAN. 114 00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:53,100 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> HI. 115 00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:58,573 >> Stephen: BRYAN CRANSTON. 116 00:05:58,709 --> 00:06:03,170 >> BUT YOU SAID THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL HAPPENING TONIGHT? 117 00:06:03,271 --> 00:06:06,519 >> Stephen: WELL, AS I WAS SAYING, WE ARE DOING A NORMAL 118 00:06:06,619 --> 00:06:09,198 EPISODE OF "THE LATE SHOW" WHICH IS ALWAYS KIND OF SPECIAL. 119 00:06:09,299 --> 00:06:11,509 >> OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. 120 00:06:11,610 --> 00:06:16,890 BUT NOT EVEN, I DON'T KNOW, A SURPRISE CELEBRITY CAMEO POPPING 121 00:06:16,890 --> 00:06:17,732 UP OUT OF NOWHERE? 122 00:06:17,732 --> 00:06:18,921 >> Stephen: ? 123 00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:21,889 >> Stephen: NO, BRYAN, THOSE ALWAYS FEEL KIND OF FORCED. 124 00:06:22,036 --> 00:06:29,036 >> Bryan: ABSOLUTELY, TOTALLY, VERY CHEAP STUNT BUT I'M HERE. 125 00:06:34,129 --> 00:06:36,149 MAYBE I COULD BE YOUR LAST GUEST. 126 00:06:37,169 --> 00:06:39,069 >> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE GREAT, BRYAN. 127 00:06:41,089 --> 00:06:43,529 THE THING IS, WE ALREADY HAVE A PRETTY SPECIAL ONE LINED UP. 128 00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:44,569 I'M SORRY. 129 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:51,680 [LAUGHTER] [AUDIENCE REACTS] >> Bryan: WHAT THE HELL AM I HERE 130 00:06:53,964 --> 00:06:54,964 FOR? 131 00:06:55,069 --> 00:06:57,709 YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN KEEP YOUR STUPID HAT. 132 00:06:58,310 --> 00:06:59,850 I'M GOING TO GO SELL MY TICKET. 133 00:06:59,850 --> 00:07:00,850 >> Stephen: BRYAN! 134 00:07:00,889 --> 00:07:03,469 BRYAN! 135 00:07:05,389 --> 00:07:07,029 BRYAN CRANSTON, EVERYBODY. 136 00:07:07,370 --> 00:07:08,370 THAT'S TOO BAD. 137 00:07:08,850 --> 00:07:09,850 I FEEL BAD. 138 00:07:09,909 --> 00:07:11,289 I FEEL TERRIBLE. 139 00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:16,250 OKAY, MOVING ON, THE BIG NEWS IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO FLY IN OR OUT 140 00:07:16,250 --> 00:07:20,630 OF NEW YORK BECAUSE YESTERDAY MORNING A SINKHOLE SHUT DOWN A 141 00:07:20,630 --> 00:07:22,230 RUNWAY AT LaGUARDIA. 142 00:07:22,750 --> 00:07:25,169 REPORTEDLY CREWS FOUND THE SINKHOLE WHILE CONDUCTING A 143 00:07:25,169 --> 00:07:29,789 DAILY MORNING INSPECTION OF THE AIRPORTS AIRFIELD AND YES THAT 144 00:07:29,789 --> 00:07:31,350 IS SOMEONE'S ACTUAL JOB. 145 00:07:31,490 --> 00:07:32,490 WHAT? 146 00:07:32,490 --> 00:07:35,089 YOU THOUGHT MY HOLE INSPECTOR SHIRT WAS A JOKE? 147 00:07:36,430 --> 00:07:38,069 IT MEANS WHAT? 148 00:07:39,629 --> 00:07:40,629 HOLY MACKEREL. 149 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:42,490 IS THAT WHY WOMEN WON'T TALK TO ME? 150 00:07:48,409 --> 00:07:51,470 WEIRDLY, WEIRDLY THAT WASN'T THE ONLY GAPING HOLE TO APPEAR NEW 151 00:07:51,470 --> 00:07:55,770 YORK CITY YESTERDAY BECAUSE, AND EVERYONE IS FINE, A SCHOOL BUS 152 00:07:55,770 --> 00:07:58,409 IN THE BRONX PARTIALLY FELL INTO A SINKHOLE. 153 00:07:59,449 --> 00:08:01,669 FIRST QUEENS THEN THE BRONX. 154 00:08:01,769 --> 00:08:03,490 EVEN SINKHOLES DON'T WANT TO GO TO STATEN ISLAND. 155 00:08:05,090 --> 00:08:07,630 YOU KNOW WHAT, WE BETTER GET OFF THE AIR QUICK BEFORE A GIANT 156 00:08:07,630 --> 00:08:09,510 SINKHOLE SWALLOWS THE ED SULLIVAN. 157 00:08:10,470 --> 00:08:14,850 THERE'S AN UPDATE ON THE FOLKS WHO WERE EXPOSED TO HANTAVIRUS 158 00:08:14,929 --> 00:08:16,828 ON THE CRUCIAL A WHILE AGO. 159 00:08:16,909 --> 00:08:19,770 AT LEAST TWO PASSENGERS WERE FORMALLY ORDER TO STAY IN 160 00:08:19,770 --> 00:08:21,010 QUARANTINE IN NEBRASKA. 161 00:08:21,097 --> 00:08:25,226 THIS IS A STRICT QUARANTINE, ADMIRABLY CAUTIOUS ESPECIALLY 162 00:08:25,315 --> 00:08:28,294 CONSIDERING THE NATIONS HANTAVIRUS RESPONSES NOW BEING 163 00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:29,828 LED BY DR. 164 00:08:29,916 --> 00:08:36,640 BRIAN CHRISTINE, A PENILE IMPLANT SPECIALIST AND VACCINE 165 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:37,554 SKEPTIC. 166 00:08:37,554 --> 00:08:40,179 THIS GUY IS NOT AFRAID OF LITTLE PRICKS. 167 00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:41,730 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 168 00:08:44,710 --> 00:08:45,710 PEABODY PLEASE. 169 00:08:48,799 --> 00:08:52,059 THE SMART CHOICE. DR. 170 00:08:52,159 --> 00:08:56,659 CHRISTINE IS AN ELECTION DENYING FAR RIGHT WHACK JOB WHO HOSTED A 171 00:08:56,659 --> 00:09:01,680 YOUTUBE SERIES ON ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION CALLED E CONNECTION 172 00:09:01,811 --> 00:09:08,811 CONNECTERECTION CONNECTION. 173 00:09:09,359 --> 00:09:11,219 YOU ARE IN JEANS AND A FLORAL CROP TOP. 174 00:09:11,519 --> 00:09:12,519 I HAD AN ERECTION. 175 00:09:12,696 --> 00:09:19,696 OVER IN ITALY THERE'S US BY SEA SCANDAL BREWING OVER ROME'S SEXY 176 00:09:24,745 --> 00:09:31,745 PRIEST CALENDAR WHICH FEATURES CLOSE-UPS OF YOUNG HANDSOME MEN 177 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:36,600 IN PRIESTLY ATTIRE AND HAS BEEN A PERENNIAL ROME SOUVENIR FOR 178 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:37,600 THE LAST TWO DECADES. 179 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:42,100 IT'S THE KIND OF SOUVENIR YOUR MOM BUYS AS A JOKE AND THEN PUTS 180 00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:44,540 UP IN THE KITCHEN AS A JOKE. 181 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,480 THEN ON CERTAIN RAINY MORNINGS YOU COME DOWNSTAIRS TO FIND 182 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:52,199 SHE'S DRINKING HER TEA AND STARING AT THE CALENDAR AS A 183 00:09:54,639 --> 00:09:55,779 JOKE. MOM IS SO FUNNY. 184 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,880 BUT YESTERDAY IT WAS REVEALED THAT ROME'S SEXY PRIEST CALENDAR 185 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:04,180 COVER MODEL NEVER SET FOOT IN THE SEMINARY. 186 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:05,880 HOLD ON. 187 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:09,800 I'M GETTING WORD THAT THIS IS THE WORST SCANDAL TO EVER HIT& 188 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:10,800 THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. 189 00:10:13,260 --> 00:10:14,040 WHAT? 190 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:15,420 OKAY, THIS IS MY DEAF EAR? 191 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:19,280 I'M NOT SURPRISED. 192 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:22,660 JUST LOOKING AT THEM YOU CAN TELL THOSE TWO MEN RIGHT THERE 193 00:10:22,660 --> 00:10:26,840 ARE CLEARLY FAKE PRIEST AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT PUG IS ONLY 194 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:27,637 A DEACON. 195 00:10:27,637 --> 00:10:34,637 BESIDES -- >> HEY, STEPHEN! 196 00:10:37,605 --> 00:10:39,266 STEPHEN! 197 00:10:39,502 --> 00:10:43,062 >> Stephen: PAUL RUDD! 198 00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:45,359 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] PAUL, PAUL, WHY ARE YOU INTERRUPTING 199 00:10:45,359 --> 00:10:46,079 ME? 200 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,039 >> Paul: I'M JUST CURIOUS WHEN OUR INTERVIEW STARTS. 201 00:10:48,540 --> 00:10:51,479 I HAVE AN EXTREMELY LONG POEM I WANT TO RECITE AND I DON'T WANT 202 00:10:51,479 --> 00:10:52,479 TO RUN OUT OF TIME. 203 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,259 >> Stephen: YOU WROTE A POEM ABOUT ME? 204 00:10:56,839 --> 00:10:57,839 >> Paul: I WROTE A POEM. 205 00:10:58,014 --> 00:11:03,826 [LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S NICE. 206 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,139 PAUL, JUST, YOU'RE NOT MY LAST GUEST. 207 00:11:05,238 --> 00:11:06,737 >> Paul: REALLY? 208 00:11:06,836 --> 00:11:10,200 THEN I GUESS IT'S A LITTLE AWKWARD FIBER TRADITIONAL 209 00:11:10,299 --> 00:11:12,564 RETIREMENT GIFT. 210 00:11:12,664 --> 00:11:15,927 >> Stephen: WONDERFUL, THANK YOU SO MUCH, PAUL, IS IT A GOLD 211 00:11:16,026 --> 00:11:17,359 WATCH? 212 00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:23,519 >> Paul: NO, I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU THE TRADITIONAL SIX BANANAS. 213 00:11:23,620 --> 00:11:25,879 WHAT YOU ALWAYS GET PEOPLE WHO ARE RETIRING. 214 00:11:25,992 --> 00:11:27,317 >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, PAUL. 215 00:11:27,431 --> 00:11:31,180 BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WHEN SOMEONE'S RETIRING YOU GIVE THEM 216 00:11:31,293 --> 00:11:32,315 A GOLD WATCH. 217 00:11:32,429 --> 00:11:34,246 >> Paul: OH, GREAT. 218 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,279 WELL, THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE FIVE BANANAS? 219 00:11:36,474 --> 00:11:39,644 >> Stephen: FIVE BANANAS? 220 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,399 HOLD ON I THOUGHT A MOMENT AGO YOU SAID IT WAS SIX. 221 00:11:42,606 --> 00:11:46,734 >> Paul: I GOT HUNGRY. 222 00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:48,100 NOW INTERVIEW ME! 223 00:11:48,258 --> 00:11:55,258 >> LISTEN, PAUL RUDD. 224 00:11:56,690 --> 00:11:59,670 [APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, YEAH, IT'S ME, TIM MEADOWS. 225 00:11:59,882 --> 00:12:02,377 STEPHEN IS A GREAT GUY. 226 00:12:02,590 --> 00:12:05,870 IF HE SAYS YOU'RE NOT HIS LAST GUEST YOU JUST GOT TO ACCEPT IT. 227 00:12:05,987 --> 00:12:09,885 >> Stephen: MY OLD FRIEND TIM MEADOWS. 228 00:12:10,003 --> 00:12:11,003 TIMMY. 229 00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:14,060 IT'S AMAZED TO SEE YOU, AS ALWAYS BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING 230 00:12:14,060 --> 00:12:14,570 HERE, BUDDY? 231 00:12:14,570 --> 00:12:17,211 >> I WAS JUST EXPLAINING TO PAUL RUDD THAT FOR YOUR LAST GUEST 232 00:12:17,321 --> 00:12:20,329 YOU WANTED SOME AND THAT YOU GO BACK WITH SO WE COULD TALK ABOUT 233 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:25,100 THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN YOU AND I WERE DOING SECOND CITY TOGETHER. 234 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:29,055 >> Stephen: IT'S NOT YOU EITHER, TIM. 235 00:12:29,157 --> 00:12:31,558 >> Tim: SCREW YOU, COLBERT! 236 00:12:31,659 --> 00:12:32,659 YOU KNOW WHAT! 237 00:12:32,740 --> 00:12:34,360 YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVE! 238 00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:35,940 GIVE ME THOSE BANANAS! 239 00:12:36,158 --> 00:12:43,028 >> Stephen: THANKS, BUDDY. 240 00:12:43,248 --> 00:12:46,828 LOVE YOU. 241 00:12:47,050 --> 00:12:48,390 [APPLAUSE] I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING. 242 00:12:48,449 --> 00:12:49,449 I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING. 243 00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:51,470 NICE FELLOWS. 244 00:12:51,690 --> 00:12:53,550 THIS SHOW ENDING DOES HAVE ONE UPSIDE. 245 00:12:53,810 --> 00:12:56,790 I WON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE INEVITABLE RISE OF THE MACHINE 246 00:12:56,790 --> 00:12:57,790 OVERLORDS. 247 00:12:58,890 --> 00:13:01,990 THOUGH I HAVE RECENTLY BEEN GIVEN SOME HOPE FOR MANKIND IN 248 00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,729 THE FORM OF THIS NEW DANCING ROBOT FROM CHINA. 249 00:13:04,866 --> 00:13:11,866 ♪ 250 00:13:29,610 --> 00:13:30,610 ♪ MAN! 251 00:13:32,230 --> 00:13:34,490 THAT NEW MICHAEL JACKSON MOVIE LOOKS GOOD. 252 00:13:37,690 --> 00:13:40,610 NOW A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASKING ME WHAT I PLAN TO DO 253 00:13:40,610 --> 00:13:41,770 AFTER TONIGHT. 254 00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:43,149 AND THE ANSWER IS DRUGS. 255 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:46,169 BUT HERE'S THE THING. 256 00:13:46,169 --> 00:13:47,050 I JUST FOUND THIS OUT. 257 00:13:47,050 --> 00:13:47,730 THIS JUST CAME OUT, RIGHT? 258 00:13:47,730 --> 00:13:51,449 A NATIONAL MARINE MAMMAL FOUNDATION AND MY BELOVED STATE 259 00:13:51,449 --> 00:13:53,990 OF SOUTH CAROLINA HAS A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT IDEA. 260 00:13:56,230 --> 00:13:58,630 BECAUSE DOWN THERE THEY PUT UP THIS BILLBOARD SAYING "WANTED: 261 00:13:59,610 --> 00:14:03,850 FORMER LATE SHOW HOST BURDENED BY WHALE RELATED CHILDHOOD 262 00:14:03,850 --> 00:14:04,850 AMBITION." 263 00:14:04,870 --> 00:14:09,650 IT'S ONE OF THE SERIES OF BILLBOARDS TARGETED AT ME FROM 264 00:14:09,650 --> 00:14:12,910 THE MARINE MAMMAL FOUNDATION I'VE GOT TO SAY IT'S FLATTERING 265 00:14:12,910 --> 00:14:13,910 TO BE CONSIDERED. 266 00:14:14,269 --> 00:14:17,509 IT'S ONE OF THE ONLY BILLBOARDS IN SOUTH CAROLINA DOESN'T SAY 267 00:14:17,829 --> 00:14:19,390 "REPENT NOW. BIBLE IS REAL. 268 00:14:19,530 --> 00:14:21,610 DIAL 1-800-HELL FOR YOU. 269 00:14:21,759 --> 00:14:26,179 CRACKER BARREL INTO EXITS. 270 00:14:26,329 --> 00:14:29,690 I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY KNEW THIS BUT IT IS TRUE THAT AS A LITTLE 271 00:14:29,690 --> 00:14:33,589 BOY I GREW UP WANTING TO BE JACQUES COUSTEAU SO I REALLY 272 00:14:33,589 --> 00:14:36,311 APPRECIATE THE LETTER THAT THEY SENT TO ME AND THEY PUT UP ON 273 00:14:36,311 --> 00:14:38,185 THE WEBSITE SAYING THE WORK IS ESSENTIAL. 274 00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:42,770 THE MISSION MATTERS DEEPLY AND THE DOLPHINS ARE CAUTIOUSLY 275 00:14:42,770 --> 00:14:44,610 OPTIMISTIC ABOUT YOUR AVAILABILITY. 276 00:14:45,409 --> 00:14:46,409 WHAT? 277 00:14:46,649 --> 00:14:48,769 THE DOLPHINS KNOW I GOT CANCELED? 278 00:14:50,129 --> 00:14:51,389 WAIT, IS THAT TRUE, DOLPHINS? 279 00:14:54,899 --> 00:14:56,860 [SQUEAKING] WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! 280 00:14:59,349 --> 00:15:00,349 IT'S GOING TO BE FUN. 281 00:15:01,550 --> 00:15:02,550 STICK AROUND! 282 00:15:17,110 --> 00:15:23,916 ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK! 283 00:15:24,045 --> 00:15:31,045 GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE GREAT BIG JOY MACHINE. 284 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:36,519 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] JOHN, LEWIS, LOUIS, NEGAH, ENDE JOHN, 285 00:15:36,639 --> 00:15:42,913 THE GREATEST BAND ON TV. 286 00:15:43,034 --> 00:15:48,336 I WANT TO TAKE A MOMENT, I WANTED TO TAKE A MOMENT, HAVE A 287 00:15:48,457 --> 00:15:49,457 SEAT. 288 00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:52,788 WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY WHO SHOWED UP LAST MAY TO GIVE ME 289 00:15:52,909 --> 00:15:54,529 THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT. 290 00:15:54,650 --> 00:15:58,509 IT WAS AN EXTRAORDINARY GROUP OF OUR OLD FRIENDS ON THE SHOW. 291 00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:00,790 WE GAVE IT, HOW MUCH TIME DID WE ALLOW IT? 292 00:16:01,930 --> 00:16:02,870 20 MINUTES. 293 00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:03,812 HOW LONG DID IT GO? 294 00:16:03,812 --> 00:16:05,894 >> 58 MINUTES! 295 00:16:06,035 --> 00:16:09,550 >> Stephen: TO YOU CAN GO ONLINE AND WE HAVE PUT UP THE WHOLE 296 00:16:09,550 --> 00:16:10,550 THING, RIGHT? 297 00:16:11,150 --> 00:16:12,730 YOU CAN WATCH THE WHOLE THING RIGHT THERE. 298 00:16:13,190 --> 00:16:16,750 AND ALL OF ITS BEAUTIFUL CHAOTIC GLORY. 299 00:16:17,290 --> 00:16:18,290 CHECK IT OUT. 300 00:16:18,330 --> 00:16:23,210 FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW THAT ON EVERY... 301 00:16:23,312 --> 00:16:30,312 [WARBLING] IS THAT COMING FROM ONE OF YOUR SPEAKERS? 302 00:16:30,809 --> 00:16:32,110 DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? 303 00:16:32,212 --> 00:16:34,205 HOLD ON. 304 00:16:34,309 --> 00:16:36,289 CAN YOU TURN IT OFF? 305 00:16:36,432 --> 00:16:38,188 IT'S GONE. 306 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:39,330 NEVER MIND. 307 00:16:39,509 --> 00:16:40,509 SORRY. 308 00:16:41,509 --> 00:16:42,509 FANTASTIC. 309 00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:47,870 FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF MY 310 00:16:47,968 --> 00:16:51,180 TIME RIGHT OVER THERE IN THE NEWS SHIPYARD ASSEMBLING THE 311 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:56,379 MOST STORY HALL USING GRAPHICS, FLAWLESS CAMERAWORK, DIRECTION, 312 00:16:56,478 --> 00:17:01,445 SOUND AND LIGHTING POWERED BY MARINE DIESEL ENGINE JOKES FOR 313 00:17:01,544 --> 00:17:05,750 THE HONOR OF HELMING THE ART OF COMEDY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE BUT 314 00:17:05,848 --> 00:17:12,570 SOMETIMES WRAPPING UP 11 YEARS OF GAGS I STRIPPED THE COPPER 315 00:17:12,670 --> 00:17:17,470 WIRE OUT OF THE CONTROL BOARD AND STRAP MY LOVE OF MY STAFF 316 00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:21,564 AND CREW TO MY OVERTURNED DESK AND SLAP ON SOME PLANS, FROM 317 00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:23,909 JOHN MAYER LASER PRINTERS AND THEN CLIMB INSIDE AND PUT HER 318 00:17:23,909 --> 00:17:26,710 AWAY IN THE UNSINKABLE GRATITUDE DINGHY OF NEWS THAT IS MY 319 00:17:26,710 --> 00:17:27,367 SEGMENT... 320 00:17:27,367 --> 00:17:34,368 ♪ >> "MEANWHILE!" 321 00:17:35,845 --> 00:17:42,371 >> Stephen: IT IS SWEEPING THE NATION, SWEEPING THE NATION. 322 00:17:42,490 --> 00:17:44,388 IT IS A SALVE FOR THE SOUL. 323 00:17:44,558 --> 00:17:46,636 MEANWHILE. 324 00:17:46,803 --> 00:17:53,803 A FEDERAL APPEALS COURT HAS STRUCK DOWN A 150-YEAR-OLD BAN 325 00:17:54,329 --> 00:17:56,809 ON HOME DISTILLING OPENING THE DOOR TO MAKING YOUR OWN SPIRITS 326 00:17:56,903 --> 00:17:57,921 AT HOME. 327 00:17:58,112 --> 00:18:00,878 EXPERTS SAY DISTILLING SPIRITS AT HOME IS SIMILAR TO MAKING 328 00:18:00,973 --> 00:18:05,773 BEER AT HOME AND THAT THE FIRST STEP IS TO GET DIVORCED. 329 00:18:05,870 --> 00:18:09,490 MEANWHILE, THE WORLD'S LARGEST DR PEPPER BOTTLE WAS JUST 330 00:18:09,490 --> 00:18:14,010 UNVEILED AT THE DR PEPPER MUSEUM AND CELEBRATES THE ICONIC SOFT 331 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:17,750 DRINK FIRST CREATED IN WACO, TEXAS, IN 1885. 332 00:18:18,069 --> 00:18:19,069 YES, WACO, TEXAS. 333 00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:20,389 YOU KNOW THEIR SLOGAN. 334 00:18:20,490 --> 00:18:22,210 PLEASE SAY WE'RE FAMOUS FOR THE SODA! 335 00:18:30,470 --> 00:18:34,706 [LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, THE OWNER OF THE MUSIC OF A CHARLIE BROWN 336 00:18:34,706 --> 00:18:37,830 CHRISTMAS AND OTHER PEANUTS TELEVISION SPECIALS HAS FOUND 337 00:18:37,830 --> 00:18:41,330 FOUR LAWSUITS YESTERDAY AGAINST THOSE ILLEGALLY USING THE FAMOUS 338 00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:42,670 SONG "LIONESS AND LUCY." 339 00:18:42,785 --> 00:18:45,542 PEANUTS IS A POWERFUL BRAND INCORPORATION IN THE AND OF 340 00:18:45,638 --> 00:18:46,638 ITSELF. 341 00:18:46,889 --> 00:18:50,190 ANYONE ILLEGALLY USING THAT MUSIC IS GOING TO HAVE TO PAY 342 00:18:50,190 --> 00:18:51,850 THROUGH THE NOSE. LOUIS. 343 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:59,680 [PLAYING "LINUS AND LUCY"] ARE YOU PLAYING THE SAME MUSIC THAT 344 00:19:04,252 --> 00:19:11,060 I JUST HAVE PEOPLE ARE BEING SUED FOR USING WITHOUT 345 00:19:11,231 --> 00:19:12,478 PERMISSION? 346 00:19:12,650 --> 00:19:14,090 ♪ IS THAT WHAT THEY ARE DOING? 347 00:19:14,174 --> 00:19:17,471 >> Louis: OH, NO. 348 00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:24,557 SKU AND I HOPE THIS DOESN'T COST CBS ANY MONEY. 349 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:30,240 MEANWHILE, OLD-SCHOOL PHARMACEUTICAL BRAND IS HOT ON 350 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:31,224 THE THRIFTING SCENE. 351 00:19:31,224 --> 00:19:36,513 THIS SCARF, THIS LOVELY CLOCK WITH THE LOGO FOR THE 352 00:19:36,619 --> 00:19:38,700 ANTIDEPRESSANT LEXAPRO. 353 00:19:38,814 --> 00:19:42,485 IT'S GOT THE CATCHY SLOGAN. 354 00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:43,485 WHAT TIME IS IT? 355 00:19:43,540 --> 00:19:44,940 I WILL TELL YOU WHAT TIME IT ISN'T. 356 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:47,760 IT ISN'T TIME TO FILL YOUR POCKETS WITH ROCKS AND WALK INTO 357 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:48,760 THE OCEAN. 358 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:58,160 MEANWHILE. 359 00:19:58,160 --> 00:19:59,500 OH, WAIT A SECOND. 360 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,339 HEY, I JUST NOTICED ANOTHER OLD FRIEND IN THE AUDIENCE. 361 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:04,980 IT'S TIG NOTARO. 362 00:20:05,094 --> 00:20:11,194 HI. 363 00:20:11,308 --> 00:20:18,015 [APPLAUSE] >> HEY, STEPHEN. 364 00:20:18,129 --> 00:20:20,555 >> Stephen: LET ME GUESS YOU ALSO THINK YOU'RE GOING TO BE MY 365 00:20:20,668 --> 00:20:23,132 GUEST TONIGHT. 366 00:20:23,245 --> 00:20:25,404 >> Tig: NO. 367 00:20:25,519 --> 00:20:27,899 NO, I JUST LIKE TO BE AT HISTORIC EVENTS. 368 00:20:27,919 --> 00:20:33,620 I WAS AT THE OBAMA INAUGURATION, THE MOON LANDING, AND WHATEVER 369 00:20:33,620 --> 00:20:34,620 THIS IS. 370 00:20:36,549 --> 00:20:39,829 [LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: TIG, YOU WEREN'T AT THE MOON LANDING. 371 00:20:39,975 --> 00:20:42,694 >> Tig: I SAID WHAT I SAID. 372 00:20:42,839 --> 00:20:45,219 >> Stephen: IT'S MAKES A VIEW TO BE HERE TO SUPPORT ME FOR MY 373 00:20:45,364 --> 00:20:48,423 LAST SHOW. 374 00:20:48,569 --> 00:20:49,750 >> Tig: THIS IS YOUR LAST SHO SHOW? 375 00:20:51,409 --> 00:20:52,930 >> Stephen: YEAH, HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT? 376 00:20:53,048 --> 00:20:58,308 >> Tig: I AM A VERY FULL LIFE, STEPHEN. 377 00:20:58,427 --> 00:21:02,471 >> Stephen: IT'S OUR LAST SHOW BECAUSE WE WERE CANCELED AND I 378 00:21:02,589 --> 00:21:04,349 DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW. 379 00:21:04,460 --> 00:21:11,460 >> WE'LL GET INTO IT DURING MY INTERVIEW AS THE LAST GUEST. 380 00:21:11,639 --> 00:21:12,639 >> Stephen: RYAN REYNOLDS. 381 00:21:14,099 --> 00:21:15,099 RYAN. 382 00:21:16,020 --> 00:21:19,399 RYAN, IT'S GREAT TO SEE BUT I HATE TO TELL YOU, YOU'RE NOT MY 383 00:21:19,399 --> 00:21:20,219 LAST GUEST. 384 00:21:20,219 --> 00:21:22,972 >> OUCHIE. 385 00:21:23,093 --> 00:21:26,776 OKAY NOW I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE. 386 00:21:26,899 --> 00:21:29,279 PAY MY RESPECTS TO THE ONE ON THE WORLDS GREATEST ENTERTAINERS 387 00:21:29,279 --> 00:21:32,240 IN HIS LAST NIGHT AT THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER. 388 00:21:37,930 --> 00:21:40,230 [APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH, RYAN. 389 00:21:40,330 --> 00:21:41,370 THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME. 390 00:21:41,669 --> 00:21:45,089 >> Ryan: I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOUR KEYBOARDIST, COREY BERNHAR 391 00:21:45,188 --> 00:21:48,163 YOUR KEYBOARDIST, COREY BERNH BERNHARD. 392 00:21:48,264 --> 00:21:55,264 [APPLAUSE] THESE ARE FOR YOU. 393 00:22:00,164 --> 00:22:01,099 >> THANK YOU. 394 00:22:01,099 --> 00:22:02,859 THANK YOU. 395 00:22:03,039 --> 00:22:04,179 PLEASE STOP DM-ING ME. 396 00:22:04,460 --> 00:22:11,460 >> Stephen: MEANWHILE, "THE NEW YORK POST" PROFILED A NEW YORK 397 00:22:13,630 --> 00:22:17,650 CITY MAN WHO MAKES HIMSELF SUSHI FROM THE BASKET HE CATCHES IN 398 00:22:17,650 --> 00:22:18,650 THE HUDSON RIVER. 399 00:22:19,970 --> 00:22:21,470 HE WILL BE MISSED. 400 00:22:22,569 --> 00:22:26,470 WE WILL BE BACK WITH OUR VERY SPECIAL FINAL GUEST. 401 00:22:26,574 --> 00:22:29,816 STICK AROUND. 402 00:22:42,477 --> 00:22:49,477 ♪ >> Stephen: [LAUGHS] >> Louis: WHOO! 403 00:23:00,692 --> 00:23:06,694 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 404 00:23:06,798 --> 00:23:11,455 LADIES AND GERMS, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, FOLKS, PLEASE HAVE A 405 00:23:11,559 --> 00:23:12,920 SEAT, EVERYBODY. 406 00:23:13,300 --> 00:23:17,660 AND NOW FOR MY FINAL INTERVIEW, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS NOT JUST 407 00:23:17,660 --> 00:23:18,500 PERFECT. 408 00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:20,039 HE IS IN FACT INFALLIBLE. 409 00:23:20,135 --> 00:23:24,265 PLEASE WELCOME -- >> STEPHEN, STEPHEN. 410 00:23:24,363 --> 00:23:26,266 >> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 411 00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:29,202 I AM TRYING TO INTRODUCE THE POPE. 412 00:23:29,299 --> 00:23:32,279 >> THE POPE WON'T COME OUT OF HIS DRESSING ROOM. 413 00:23:32,390 --> 00:23:33,998 >> Stephen: WHY NOT? 414 00:23:34,111 --> 00:23:39,943 >> WE DIDN'T READ HIS WHOLE RIDER AND WE GOT ON THE WRONG 415 00:23:40,054 --> 00:23:45,625 SNACKS. 416 00:23:45,738 --> 00:23:47,233 >> Stephen: HE ASKED FOR HOT DOGS. 417 00:23:47,345 --> 00:23:53,888 WE GOT HIM HOT DOGS FOR YOUR HOLINESS, PLEASE COME OUT, LEO, 418 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,940 LEO, PLEASE. 419 00:23:56,740 --> 00:23:57,880 >> NO WAY, COLBERT! 420 00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:00,060 YOU CALL THAT A CHICAGO DOG! 421 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,019 POPE DON'T PLAY LIKE THAT. 422 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:03,720 LEO OUT! 423 00:24:03,872 --> 00:24:09,644 >> Stephen: OH, NO, OH, NO, >> Stephen: OH, NO, OH, NO. 424 00:24:09,644 --> 00:24:10,205 >> Stephen: OH, NO, OH, NO. 425 00:24:10,205 --> 00:24:15,924 OH. 426 00:24:16,079 --> 00:24:22,240 THE POPE, WHO WAS DEFINITELY MY GUEST TONIGHT, HAS CANCELED. 427 00:24:22,700 --> 00:24:24,240 DID WE ALREADY SEND THE OTHER STARS AWAY? 428 00:24:26,519 --> 00:24:27,519 THIS IS TERRIBLE. 429 00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:29,840 WHO IS GOING TO BE MY LAST GUEST NOW? 430 00:24:29,942 --> 00:24:32,823 >> HEY, STEVE. 431 00:24:32,925 --> 00:24:34,468 WHAT ABOUT ME? 432 00:24:34,572 --> 00:24:41,572 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: PAUL McCARTNEY! 433 00:24:48,150 --> 00:24:51,955 PLEASE. 434 00:24:52,059 --> 00:24:58,985 [CHEERING] PAUL, WOULD YOU? 435 00:24:59,088 --> 00:25:03,305 THIS IS THE PERFECT... 436 00:25:03,409 --> 00:25:05,669 I THINK YOU'D BE A PERFECT LAST GUEST. 437 00:25:05,669 --> 00:25:06,407 OH, MY GOD. 438 00:25:06,407 --> 00:25:11,279 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 439 00:25:11,390 --> 00:25:18,390 [CHEERING] MY FINAL GUEST. 440 00:25:18,699 --> 00:25:20,460 PAUL, THANK YOU. 441 00:25:20,879 --> 00:25:22,159 PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. 442 00:25:22,319 --> 00:25:24,599 PAUL, YOU BE MY PERFECT LAST GUEST. 443 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,740 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, PAUL? 444 00:25:26,874 --> 00:25:28,944 >> Paul: I WAS JUST IN THE AREA. 445 00:25:29,079 --> 00:25:31,200 I WAS DOING SOME ERRANDS. 446 00:25:31,367 --> 00:25:32,367 YEAH. 447 00:25:32,599 --> 00:25:33,819 I BROUGHT SOMETHING FOR YOU. 448 00:25:34,159 --> 00:25:35,259 >> Stephen: YOU BROUGHT SOMETHING FOR ME? 449 00:25:35,357 --> 00:25:38,931 IS THIS -- COAT THEY TOLD ME THERE WOULD BE -- I THOUGHT THE 450 00:25:39,028 --> 00:25:40,848 POPE WAS BRINGING ME THIS. 451 00:25:40,946 --> 00:25:44,975 I HONESTLY HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS. 452 00:25:45,073 --> 00:25:48,680 >> Paul: COME ON. 453 00:25:48,778 --> 00:25:55,778 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: IS THAT HERE? 454 00:25:56,772 --> 00:26:01,647 >> Paul: RIGHT HERE. 455 00:26:01,745 --> 00:26:03,531 >> Stephen: WOW. 456 00:26:03,630 --> 00:26:07,630 "TO STEPHEN, YOU'RE BETTER THAN THE BEATLES." 457 00:26:09,530 --> 00:26:10,530 PAUL McCARTNEY. 458 00:26:10,650 --> 00:26:12,281 THAT'S WHAT I READ. 459 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,200 >> Paul: IT DOESN'T SAY THAT. 460 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,230 >> Stephen: WHEN MY EDITORS ARE DONE, THAT'S WHAT IT'S GOING TO 461 00:26:16,230 --> 00:26:17,230 SAY, PAUL. 462 00:26:17,510 --> 00:26:18,430 THAT'S SO LOVELY. 463 00:26:18,430 --> 00:26:19,385 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 464 00:26:19,385 --> 00:26:21,098 >> Paul: FOR YOU, ANYTHING. 465 00:26:21,215 --> 00:26:23,512 >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 466 00:26:23,630 --> 00:26:27,890 I HAVE HAD THE HONOR OF INTERVIEWING YOU BEFORE AND 467 00:26:28,530 --> 00:26:30,850 YOU'VE BEEN BACK TO THE ED SULLIVAN BUT I'M CURIOUS, WHEN 468 00:26:30,850 --> 00:26:33,870 YOU'RE HERE, WHAT, WHAT'S YOUR SENSE? 469 00:26:33,870 --> 00:26:36,590 WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES, DO YOU HEAR THE GIRLS SCREAMING? 470 00:26:36,692 --> 00:26:42,205 >> Paul: YEAH. 471 00:26:42,307 --> 00:26:49,307 [HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING] >> Stephen: [LAUGHS] [SCREAMING 472 00:26:51,175 --> 00:26:56,140 CONTINUES] [LAUGHS] OKAY, OKAY. 473 00:26:56,244 --> 00:26:59,975 I'M JUST CURIOUS. 474 00:27:00,079 --> 00:27:01,079 THANK YOU. 475 00:27:02,740 --> 00:27:04,959 HOW OFTEN DOES THAT HAPPEN TO YOU AT THIS POINT? 476 00:27:05,099 --> 00:27:07,637 >> Paul: UM, OFTEN. 477 00:27:07,779 --> 00:27:09,859 >> Stephen: I WANT YOU TO KNOW MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS ARE HERE 478 00:27:09,959 --> 00:27:14,238 AND TWO OF MY SISTERS HERE WERE AT YOUR CONCERT IN WASHINGTON, 479 00:27:14,238 --> 00:27:15,114 D.C. 480 00:27:15,114 --> 00:27:18,247 DO YOU REMEMBER? 481 00:27:18,349 --> 00:27:20,769 DO YOU REMEMBER THEM? 482 00:27:20,864 --> 00:27:24,052 >> Paul: I REMEMBER THAT ONE. 483 00:27:24,149 --> 00:27:25,149 YEAH. 484 00:27:25,242 --> 00:27:28,035 >> Stephen: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE BACK? 485 00:27:28,129 --> 00:27:30,929 >> Paul: IT'S ALWAYS FANTASTIC TO COME BACK HERE. 486 00:27:31,189 --> 00:27:34,789 LIKE YOU SAY, I ALWAYS REMEMBER THE GIRLS IN THE BALCONY. 487 00:27:35,869 --> 00:27:36,790 >> Stephen: HOW ABOUT MR. 488 00:27:36,790 --> 00:27:37,810 SULLIVAN, WAS HE A NICE FELLOW? 489 00:27:37,962 --> 00:27:43,215 >> Paul: >> Pau [SCREAMING] >> Paul: NOT YOU. 490 00:27:43,369 --> 00:27:46,549 MR. SULLIVAN WAS REALLY NICE. 491 00:27:46,549 --> 00:27:49,429 HE WAS A REALLY COOL GUY. 492 00:27:49,534 --> 00:27:55,004 >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER. FEBRUARY OF '64? 493 00:27:55,110 --> 00:27:56,197 WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER? 494 00:27:56,302 --> 00:27:59,704 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WE HAD NEVER BEEN TO AMERICA. 495 00:27:59,809 --> 00:28:03,849 WE COME HERE AND PEOPLE SAID IT'S LIKE THE BIGGEST SHOW. 496 00:28:04,429 --> 00:28:06,629 TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, WE HAD NEVER HEARD OF HIM. ENGLAND. 497 00:28:09,869 --> 00:28:12,250 BUT YEAH, IT WAS FANTASTIC. 498 00:28:12,348 --> 00:28:16,557 YOU HAD TO GO A FEW FLOORS DOWN TO GET MAKEUP. 499 00:28:16,655 --> 00:28:19,070 >> Stephen: IT'S A CAVERN DOWN THERE. 500 00:28:19,168 --> 00:28:22,431 >> Paul: WE GOT USED TO A LITTLE BIT OF MAKEUP IN ENGLAND. 501 00:28:22,529 --> 00:28:26,369 BUT WE WENT DOWN THERE, AND THE GIRLS WHO PUT MAKEUP ON US, IT 502 00:28:26,369 --> 00:28:28,789 WAS LIKE BRIGHT ORANGE. 503 00:28:28,896 --> 00:28:34,992 >> Stephen: THAT'S VERY POPULAR IN CERTAIN CIRCLES THESE DAYS. 504 00:28:35,100 --> 00:28:36,100 >> Paul: YEAH. 505 00:28:36,140 --> 00:28:38,255 >> Stephen: YOU FIT NICELY IN. 506 00:28:38,363 --> 00:28:40,084 >> Paul: WE SET A TREND. 507 00:28:40,084 --> 00:28:41,084 >> Stephen: YOU DID. 508 00:28:41,089 --> 00:28:42,389 NOW WE KNOW WHERE IT STARTED. 509 00:28:42,589 --> 00:28:44,709 THANKS A LOT, PAUL McCARTNEY. 510 00:28:46,209 --> 00:28:47,709 WERE YOU PLEASED WITH HOW IT WENT? 511 00:28:47,809 --> 00:28:49,809 DID YOU HAVE SOME SENSE OF WHAT THE REACTION WAS? 512 00:28:50,129 --> 00:28:53,029 >> Paul: YEAH, I MEAN, WE WERE VERY PLEASED. 513 00:28:53,590 --> 00:28:57,949 LOOKING BACK ON IT NOW, WHAT I'M PLEASED WITH, WE'RE LIVE AND WE 514 00:28:57,949 --> 00:28:58,949 SOUND GOOD. 515 00:28:59,033 --> 00:29:01,341 >> Stephen: YOU'RE TIGHT. 516 00:29:01,447 --> 00:29:03,125 REALLY TIGHT. 517 00:29:03,230 --> 00:29:04,789 WERE YOU NERVOUS? 518 00:29:04,925 --> 00:29:09,012 >> Paul: WE WERE A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS. 519 00:29:09,149 --> 00:29:11,790 BUT WE WERE YOUNG KIDS. 520 00:29:12,030 --> 00:29:12,901 SORT OF FULL OF OURSELVES. 521 00:29:12,901 --> 00:29:15,617 >> Stephen: YOU WERE 21, RIGHT? 522 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:17,065 >> Paul: SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 523 00:29:17,169 --> 00:29:20,349 BUT YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT WAS VERY EXCITING. 524 00:29:20,929 --> 00:29:22,469 >> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION OF AMERICA ITSELF? 525 00:29:23,909 --> 00:29:25,230 HAD YOU BEEN OVER BEFORE THAT? 526 00:29:25,352 --> 00:29:26,985 >> Paul: NO. 527 00:29:27,109 --> 00:29:29,429 SO IT WAS AMERICA, YOU KNOW. 528 00:29:29,531 --> 00:29:31,615 >> Stephen: I KNOW. 529 00:29:31,717 --> 00:29:35,098 BUT AS A BOY FROM LIVERPOOL. 530 00:29:35,098 --> 00:29:36,098 >> Paul: YEAH. 531 00:29:36,157 --> 00:29:38,445 >> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? 532 00:29:38,549 --> 00:29:42,149 >> Paul: AMERICA WAS WHERE ALL THE MUSIC WE LOVED CAME FROM. 533 00:29:42,265 --> 00:29:45,613 OLD ROCK 'N' ROLL, THE BLUES, THE WHOLE THING. 534 00:29:45,730 --> 00:29:49,109 EVEN GOING BACK TO THE FRED ASTAIRE. 535 00:29:49,369 --> 00:29:50,709 IT WAS ALL FROM AMERICA. 536 00:29:51,250 --> 00:29:56,250 SO THAT'S WHAT WE THOUGHT, AMERICA IS THE LAND OF THE FREE, 537 00:29:56,250 --> 00:29:57,309 THE GREATEST DEMOCRACY. 538 00:29:57,517 --> 00:29:59,616 [APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: YES. 539 00:29:59,825 --> 00:30:01,922 >> Paul: THAT'S WHAT IT WAS. 540 00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:05,978 >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. 541 00:30:06,189 --> 00:30:07,529 >> Paul: AND STILL IS HOPEFULLY. 542 00:30:07,781 --> 00:30:12,630 >> Stephen: SURE, SURE. 543 00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:14,140 [APPLAUSE] WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 544 00:30:14,599 --> 00:30:16,539 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE PAUL McCARTNEY, EVERYBODY. 545 00:30:16,740 --> 00:30:17,740 STICK AROUND. 546 00:30:25,455 --> 00:30:32,455 ♪ >> Stephen: ONE MORE TIME FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE BAND 547 00:30:32,772 --> 00:30:34,044 RIGHT THERE. 548 00:30:34,163 --> 00:30:37,465 THAT'S A GOOD BAND. 549 00:30:37,584 --> 00:30:39,970 THAT'S A GREAT BAND RIGHT OVER THERE. 550 00:30:40,089 --> 00:30:44,190 NOW, AS YOU CAN SEE, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, MY FRIENDS. 551 00:30:44,321 --> 00:30:47,498 WE ARE HERE WITH THROUGH PAUL McCARTNEY. 552 00:30:47,630 --> 00:30:49,829 PAUL, ONE THING I WANTED TO ASK YOU. 553 00:30:54,990 --> 00:30:56,470 [STATIC HUMMING] WHAT WAS THAT? 554 00:30:56,543 --> 00:31:00,043 >> I DON'T KNOW. 555 00:31:00,116 --> 00:31:02,036 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 556 00:31:03,189 --> 00:31:04,189 WHERE WAS I? 557 00:31:04,189 --> 00:31:05,170 PAUL McCARTNEY. 558 00:31:05,170 --> 00:31:08,690 PAUL, YOU HAVE NOT STOPPED MAKING MUSIC, OKAY. 559 00:31:08,690 --> 00:31:11,190 IN FACT, YOU'VE GOT A BRAND-NEW ALBUM. 560 00:31:11,309 --> 00:31:12,549 IS THIS OUT NOW OR ABOUT TO COME OUT? 561 00:31:12,665 --> 00:31:14,573 >> Paul: ABOUT TO COME OUT. 562 00:31:14,690 --> 00:31:18,190 >> Stephen: IT'S CALLED "THE BOYS OF DUNGEON LANE." 563 00:31:18,609 --> 00:31:20,430 WHAT WAS DUNGEON LANE? 564 00:31:20,970 --> 00:31:23,950 >> Paul: IT WAS A PLACE NEARBY WHERE I USED TO LIVE IN 565 00:31:24,073 --> 00:31:28,671 LIVERPOOL, PLEASE CALL SPEKE AND THIS WAS A ROAD THAT LED TO THE 566 00:31:28,793 --> 00:31:33,186 SHORE, AND ESCAPE FROM WHERE USED DELIVERED. 567 00:31:33,309 --> 00:31:34,549 >> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBORHOOD WAS DUNGEON LANE? 568 00:31:34,663 --> 00:31:38,651 >> Paul: DUNGEON LANE IS OKAY BUT THE NEIGHBORHOOD I CAME FROM 569 00:31:38,651 --> 00:31:39,601 WAS ROUGH. 570 00:31:39,601 --> 00:31:44,387 THIS WAS THE PLACE TO ESCAPE. 571 00:31:44,502 --> 00:31:46,135 >> Stephen: FROM THE DICEY NEIGHBORHOOD? 572 00:31:46,249 --> 00:31:47,655 >> Paul: IT WAS OKAY. 573 00:31:47,769 --> 00:31:50,049 IT WAS ALL WE KNEW AND WE LOVED IT. 574 00:31:50,049 --> 00:31:52,250 >> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE FOR CALLING YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD DICEY. 575 00:31:54,009 --> 00:31:55,690 PLEASE DON'T LEAVE LIKE THE POPE DID. 576 00:31:55,809 --> 00:31:59,343 >> Paul: [LAUGHS] THE POPE? 577 00:31:59,462 --> 00:32:00,773 >> Paul: NO. 578 00:32:00,892 --> 00:32:05,181 >> Stephen: I HAVE. 579 00:32:05,300 --> 00:32:07,019 [LAUGHTER] YOU'RE PAUL McCARTNEY BUT I'VE MET THE POPE. 580 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:09,300 I JUST WANT TO GET THAT OUT THERE. 581 00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:13,200 WHO WERE THE BOYS OF DUNGEON LANE? 582 00:32:13,319 --> 00:32:17,767 >> Paul: YOU KNOW BASICALLY IT'S KIND OF ALL THE GUYS I KNEW 583 00:32:17,767 --> 00:32:18,767 THEN. 584 00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:21,180 IN MY MIND, THERE WERE A COUPLE. 585 00:32:21,220 --> 00:32:22,920 AS I SAY USED TO GO DOWN THERE. 586 00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:24,400 I HAVE A LITTLE BIRD BOOK. 587 00:32:25,660 --> 00:32:26,320 YEAH. 588 00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:28,720 I USED TO BE AN ORNITHOLOGIST. 589 00:32:28,818 --> 00:32:30,739 >> Stephen: WITH BINOCULARS AND STUFF? 590 00:32:30,838 --> 00:32:33,639 >> Paul: A BOOK, NO BINOCULARS >> Paul: A BOOK, NO BINOCUL 591 00:32:33,737 --> 00:32:34,737 BINOCULARS. 592 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,580 >> Stephen: I THOUGHT YOU MEANT LIKE A BIRD, LIKE A PRETTY GIRL. 593 00:32:37,862 --> 00:32:40,200 >> Paul: NO. 594 00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:41,840 >> Stephen: YOU NEVER HAD A BOOK OF THOSE? 595 00:32:42,660 --> 00:32:44,800 >> Paul: WELL, I DID, BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY. 596 00:32:47,620 --> 00:32:51,180 ANYWAY, USED TO GO DOWN THAT KIND OF AS AN ESCAPE FROM WHERE 597 00:32:51,180 --> 00:32:51,700 I LIVED. 598 00:32:51,700 --> 00:32:58,700 IT WAS GREAT FUN UNTIL ONE DAY THE BOYS, A COUPLE BIG STRAPPING 599 00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:02,880 GUYS, UGLY LOOKING GUYS, DECIDED TO MUG ME. 600 00:33:03,820 --> 00:33:04,940 >> Stephen: REALLY? HOW OLD WERE YOU? 601 00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:08,380 >> Paul: I WAS LITTLE AND SCRAWNY AND THEY WERE BIG. 602 00:33:08,380 --> 00:33:11,360 THEY WANTED MY WATCH. 603 00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:12,274 >> Stephen: DID THEY GET IT? 604 00:33:12,274 --> 00:33:14,525 >> Paul: YEAH. 605 00:33:14,623 --> 00:33:17,201 WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO? 606 00:33:17,300 --> 00:33:21,720 HOWEVER, I REPORTED THEM TO THE COPS AND THEY GOT DONE AND I GOT 607 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:22,591 MY WATCH BACK. 608 00:33:22,591 --> 00:33:26,646 >> Stephen: WOW. 609 00:33:26,800 --> 00:33:28,960 THAT DIDN'T CAUSE YOU ANY TROUBLE WITH THE BOYS LIKE THE 610 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:30,870 NEXT TIME THEY SAW YOU, THEY DIDN'T SAY HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE 611 00:33:30,870 --> 00:33:32,150 THEY DROPPED THE DIME ON US? 612 00:33:32,615 --> 00:33:34,684 >> Paul: NO, THEY WERE IN JAIL. 613 00:33:34,799 --> 00:33:37,019 >> Stephen: THEY WENT TO JAIL FOR STEALING YOUR WATCH? 614 00:33:37,120 --> 00:33:40,240 THERE'S BEAUTIFUL PHOTOGRAPHS ON THE INSIDE. 615 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,819 THESE ARE THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE BEATLES RIGHT THERE. 616 00:33:43,819 --> 00:33:44,760 THERE YOU GO. 617 00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:45,760 LOOK AT THAT. 618 00:33:45,820 --> 00:33:49,860 DID JOHN AND GEORGE AND THOSE GUYS GO DOWN TO DUNGEON LANE 619 00:33:49,860 --> 00:33:50,243 WITH YOU? 620 00:33:50,243 --> 00:33:51,018 >> Paul: GEORGE BOYD. 621 00:33:51,018 --> 00:33:51,296 HE WAS FROM THAT AREA. 622 00:33:51,296 --> 00:33:53,110 THAT'S WHERE I MET GEORGE. 623 00:33:53,110 --> 00:33:53,548 >> Stephen: GEORGE WOOD. 624 00:33:53,548 --> 00:33:53,900 HE WAS FROM THAT AREA. 625 00:33:53,900 --> 00:33:55,240 THAT'S WHERE I MET GEORGE. 626 00:33:55,457 --> 00:34:02,457 >> Stephen: IN THE SONG "DAYS WE LEFT BEHIND" YOUTH SAYING 627 00:34:03,693 --> 00:34:10,693 NOTHING STAYS THE SAME, NO ONE NEEDS TO CRY. 628 00:34:11,710 --> 00:34:13,829 I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT CHANGE LATELY. 629 00:34:14,509 --> 00:34:15,849 ARE YOU GOOD WITH CHANGE? 630 00:34:15,965 --> 00:34:19,152 >> Paul: NO. 631 00:34:19,268 --> 00:34:24,809 I LIKE THINGS TO STAY THE SAME BECAUSE I LEARNED HOW TO DO THEM 632 00:34:25,289 --> 00:34:26,829 AND THEN SOMEBODY CHANGES THAT. 633 00:34:27,569 --> 00:34:28,569 LIKE iPHONE. 634 00:34:28,688 --> 00:34:32,049 I KNOW HOW TO DO IT. 635 00:34:32,170 --> 00:34:34,010 UPDATE? 636 00:34:34,130 --> 00:34:35,750 I DON'T WANT TO UPDATE. 637 00:34:36,130 --> 00:34:37,130 I BOUGHT YOU. 638 00:34:37,529 --> 00:34:39,449 I DON'T WANT YOU TO CHANGE. 639 00:34:41,949 --> 00:34:42,949 BUT IT CHANGES. 640 00:34:42,969 --> 00:34:44,349 >> Stephen: IT DOES HAPPEN A LOT. 641 00:34:44,542 --> 00:34:51,542 NOTHING TO BE DONE ABOUT IT. 642 00:34:52,670 --> 00:34:53,730 >> Paul: AND I HATE COOKIES. 643 00:34:53,851 --> 00:34:57,637 >> Stephen: YOU MEAN THE THINGS -- >> Paul: I LIKE THOSE. 644 00:34:57,758 --> 00:35:02,832 >> Stephen: YOU MEAN THE COOKIES THAT ATTACH ON THE FILES ON YOUR 645 00:35:02,954 --> 00:35:04,484 PHONE? 646 00:35:04,484 --> 00:35:05,210 >> Paul: NO, YOU DON'T. 647 00:35:05,210 --> 00:35:06,268 I BOUGHT YOU. 648 00:35:07,109 --> 00:35:10,630 >> Stephen: I KNOW YOU HAVEN'T MET THE POPE BUT I BET YOU COULD 649 00:35:10,630 --> 00:35:12,650 CALL TIM COOK AND SAY DON'T CHANGE MY PHONE. 650 00:35:13,610 --> 00:35:16,369 >> Paul: I DID MEET HIM AND I TOLD HIM OFF ABOUT IT. 651 00:35:16,498 --> 00:35:19,919 >> Stephen: NOT THE POPE. 652 00:35:20,049 --> 00:35:21,049 TIM COOK. 653 00:35:21,188 --> 00:35:24,505 >> Paul: HE LEFT APPLE. 654 00:35:24,645 --> 00:35:27,448 >> Stephen: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DROVE HIM AWAY? 655 00:35:27,589 --> 00:35:28,650 SCARED OF PAUL McCARTNEY. 656 00:35:29,929 --> 00:35:31,710 THIS IS OUR LAST SHOW TONIGHT. 657 00:35:31,949 --> 00:35:34,449 I HAVE A LOT OF RITUALS I DO BEFORE THE SHOW BEGINS, CERTAIN 658 00:35:35,049 --> 00:35:36,779 THINGS I HAVE TO GET DONE, I'M A LITTLE SUPERSTITIOUS. 659 00:35:36,779 --> 00:35:37,710 IT FEELS RIGHT. 660 00:35:37,710 --> 00:35:38,949 I DON'T LIKE THINGS TO CHANGE. 661 00:35:39,409 --> 00:35:41,969 I DON'T HAVE A RITUAL FOR ENDING A SHOW. 662 00:35:42,130 --> 00:35:45,029 DO YOU HAVE ANY RITUALS FOR WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH A SHOW? 663 00:35:45,148 --> 00:35:46,829 >> Paul: YEAH. 664 00:35:46,949 --> 00:35:50,329 WE NORMALLY SORT OF GET ON A BUS AND DO WHAT WE CALL A RUNNER. 665 00:35:51,230 --> 00:35:54,549 I HAVE A CHEESE AND PICKLE SANDWICH. 666 00:35:54,667 --> 00:35:58,291 >> Stephen: CHEESE AND PICKLE SANDWICH? 667 00:35:58,410 --> 00:36:02,271 ROCK 'N' ROLL! WILD. 668 00:36:02,389 --> 00:36:04,730 >> Paul: I KNOW, IT'S VERY FAR OUT. 669 00:36:04,831 --> 00:36:06,670 A COMPANY WITH A MARGARITA. 670 00:36:06,772 --> 00:36:09,427 >> Stephen: THAT HELPS. 671 00:36:09,529 --> 00:36:12,150 WHAT'S THE EARLIEST SONG PAUL McCARTNEY CAN REMEMBER? 672 00:36:12,241 --> 00:36:16,045 >> Paul: MY DAD USED TO PLAY PIANO IN THE HOUSE SO I WOULD 673 00:36:16,137 --> 00:36:20,002 LIE AROUND ON THE CARPET PROBABLY THE EARLIEST ONE WOULD 674 00:36:20,093 --> 00:36:22,498 BE "CHICAGO." 675 00:36:22,589 --> 00:36:29,589 ♪ CHICAGO, CHICAGO >> Paul: I LIKE THAT. 676 00:36:30,929 --> 00:36:33,409 HE WAS THE FAMILY PIANIST. 677 00:36:35,829 --> 00:36:39,269 "BEAUTIFUL DREAMER" THAT GOES BACK. 678 00:36:42,549 --> 00:36:45,489 THAT COULD BE A CONTENDER. 679 00:36:47,849 --> 00:36:50,509 >> Stephen: DO PEOPLE MISINTERPRET YOUR SONGS TO YOU? 680 00:36:50,602 --> 00:36:54,225 >> Paul: YES. 681 00:36:54,319 --> 00:36:56,443 I KIND OF LIKE IT, THOUGH. 682 00:36:56,537 --> 00:36:59,910 >> Stephen: WHEN THEY GET IT WRONG? 683 00:37:00,004 --> 00:37:04,595 >> Paul: YOU WRITE IT, THERE IT IS, THAT'S THE SONG. 684 00:37:04,690 --> 00:37:08,730 "STRAWBERRY FIELDS," THE BEGINNING IT SAYS "LIVING IS 685 00:37:08,730 --> 00:37:10,750 EASY WITH EYES CLOSED." 686 00:37:10,868 --> 00:37:12,848 >> Stephen: MISUNDERSTANDING ALL YOU SEE. 687 00:37:12,968 --> 00:37:17,722 >> Paul: BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK IT'S "LIVING IS EASY WITH NICE 688 00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:23,387 CLOTHES." IT'S BETTER. 689 00:37:23,505 --> 00:37:29,289 [LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: MISUNDERSTANDING SALTY SEA. 690 00:37:29,408 --> 00:37:34,320 YOU KNOW ABOUT THE UPCOMING 4-PART SALMON AND A SERIES, EACH 691 00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:35,440 ONE FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF A DIFFERENT BEETLE. 692 00:37:37,180 --> 00:37:39,440 YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE, PAUL MESCAL IS GOING TO PLAY PAUL 693 00:37:39,654 --> 00:37:45,206 McCARTNEY. WHO IS CUTER? 694 00:37:45,240 --> 00:37:47,220 YOUNG PAUL McCARTNEY OR PAUL MESCAL? 695 00:37:47,285 --> 00:37:50,258 >> Paul: ME. 696 00:37:50,258 --> 00:37:51,199 >> Stephen: YOU ARE THE CUTE ONE. 697 00:37:51,199 --> 00:37:52,319 YOU ARE THE CUTE ONE. 698 00:37:52,605 --> 00:37:58,676 >> Paul: HE'S VERY CUTE. 699 00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:00,460 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 700 00:38:00,579 --> 00:38:02,379 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE PAUL McCARTNEY, EVERYBODY. 701 00:38:02,519 --> 00:38:03,519 STICK AROUND. 702 00:38:24,662 --> 00:38:25,878 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 703 00:38:25,988 --> 00:38:27,019 WELCOME BACK. 704 00:38:27,130 --> 00:38:29,590 I'M HERE AS YOU CAN SEE WITH PAUL McCARTNEY. 705 00:38:30,510 --> 00:38:33,030 PAUL, DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK YOU WERE TELLING ME THIS 706 00:38:33,030 --> 00:38:34,690 STORY I HOPE YOU'D SHARE WITH THE AUDIENCE. 707 00:38:34,890 --> 00:38:36,010 TELL ME IF I GOT ANY OF THIS WRONG. 708 00:38:36,390 --> 00:38:41,269 THERE WAS A POINT AT WHICH YOU AND RINGO GOT INTO A SLAP FIGHT 709 00:38:42,910 --> 00:38:44,730 -- [CRACKLING] TOM, DID YOU HEAR THAT? 710 00:38:47,310 --> 00:38:49,070 DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? 711 00:38:49,282 --> 00:38:51,304 >> NO. 712 00:38:51,304 --> 00:38:53,230 >> Stephen: THIS IS NOT THE NIGHT FOR TECHNICAL 713 00:38:53,230 --> 00:38:54,087 DIFFICULTIES. 714 00:38:54,087 --> 00:38:56,892 I TELL YOU WHAT. 715 00:38:56,910 --> 00:38:57,910 I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS. 716 00:38:57,990 --> 00:39:01,150 WE'RE GOING TO TAKE ANOTHER QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK AND WE'RE 717 00:39:01,150 --> 00:39:02,550 GOING TO FIND THAT AND FIX IT, RIGHT, TOM? 718 00:39:03,197 --> 00:39:04,482 I'M SORRY. 719 00:39:04,530 --> 00:39:06,650 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE PAUL McCARTNEY, EVERYBODY. 720 00:39:12,690 --> 00:39:14,029 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT. 721 00:39:15,490 --> 00:39:17,990 I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT THAT IT'S HAPPENING 722 00:39:18,170 --> 00:39:20,750 BUT OLIVIA, IF YOU CAN HELP, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK AS SOON AS WE 723 00:39:20,750 --> 00:39:21,750 FIGURE THIS OUT, PAUL. 724 00:39:23,589 --> 00:39:24,589 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 725 00:39:24,702 --> 00:39:25,984 LOUIS! 726 00:39:26,097 --> 00:39:33,097 ♪ 727 00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:45,160 WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS THIS? 728 00:39:52,450 --> 00:39:53,850 NOT MY APPLE WATCH! 729 00:39:53,850 --> 00:39:56,430 NOW I'LL NEVER KNOW IF IT'S TIME TO STAND UP. 730 00:39:58,189 --> 00:39:59,450 WHAT IS THIS? 731 00:39:59,829 --> 00:40:02,149 >> STEPHEN, MAYBE I CAN HELP EXPLAIN. 732 00:40:02,237 --> 00:40:05,571 >> Stephen: FAMED ASTROPHYSICIST AND ACTUAL FRIEND OF MINE, NEIL 733 00:40:05,660 --> 00:40:06,751 deGRASSE TYSON. 734 00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:08,059 THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE. 735 00:40:08,169 --> 00:40:10,361 >> NO, THINK SCIENCE I'M HERE. 736 00:40:10,472 --> 00:40:13,108 >> Stephen: IT'S JUST SOMETHING YOU SAY. 737 00:40:13,220 --> 00:40:14,220 WHAT IS IT? 738 00:40:14,337 --> 00:40:17,529 >> LOOKS LIKE A TEXTBOOK CASE OF AN EINSTEIN ROSEN BRIDGE, AND 739 00:40:17,648 --> 00:40:20,720 WORMHOLE. 740 00:40:20,839 --> 00:40:26,080 IT'S GRADUALLY SWALLOWING UP ALL MAN MAMATTER AND ANTIMATTER. 741 00:40:26,198 --> 00:40:30,848 >> Stephen: THAT SUCKS. 742 00:40:30,966 --> 00:40:33,093 >> IT'S HUGE PROBLEM. 743 00:40:33,211 --> 00:40:37,901 THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE IS IMMUTABLE. 744 00:40:38,020 --> 00:40:42,460 TWO CONTRADICTORY REALITIES CANNOT COEXIST WITHOUT RUPTURING 745 00:40:42,460 --> 00:40:43,740 THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM. 746 00:40:43,839 --> 00:40:45,176 >> Stephen: MY QUAD? 747 00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:48,918 >> Neil: FOR INSTANCE IF THE SHOW IS NUMBER ONE ON LATE NIGHT 748 00:40:49,019 --> 00:40:50,659 AND IT ALSO GETS CANCELED. 749 00:40:50,764 --> 00:40:53,097 >> Stephen: THEY CANCELED "GUTFELD!" 750 00:40:53,202 --> 00:40:54,805 >> Neil: YOUR SHOW. 751 00:40:54,909 --> 00:41:01,214 IT'S CAUSED A RIFT. 752 00:41:01,319 --> 00:41:06,739 IF IT GROWS, ALL LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION CAN BE DESTROYED. 753 00:41:06,857 --> 00:41:10,596 >> Stephen: THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. 754 00:41:10,713 --> 00:41:15,161 >> Neil: YEAH, IT KIND OF IS UNBELIEVABLY BECAUSE IN REALITY 755 00:41:15,278 --> 00:41:16,302 A WORMHOLE DOESN'T SUCK. 756 00:41:16,420 --> 00:41:17,839 IT'S JUST A PORTAL THAT YOU STEP THROUGH. 757 00:41:18,199 --> 00:41:19,299 WHERE DID YOU GET GREEN? 758 00:41:19,434 --> 00:41:21,384 WATCHING TOO MUCH RICK AND MORTY? 759 00:41:21,521 --> 00:41:26,372 >> Stephen: OWN WILL, NO, IT SWALLOWED NEIL deGRASSE TYSON 760 00:41:26,509 --> 00:41:29,610 BEFORE HE COULD EXTEND HOW WE WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING. 761 00:41:29,730 --> 00:41:33,272 DAMN IT. 762 00:41:33,392 --> 00:41:34,639 THEY KEEP CAN'T BE HAPPENING. 763 00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:38,320 IF ONLY I HAD A WISE MENTOR FIGURE I COULD TALK TO. 764 00:41:39,699 --> 00:41:40,699 JON STEWART! 765 00:41:40,828 --> 00:41:47,828 OH, DO YOU KNOW OF ANY WISE MENTOR FINGERS I COULD TALK TO? 766 00:41:48,808 --> 00:41:50,653 >> Jon: NO. 767 00:41:50,782 --> 00:41:53,099 I'M HERE ON BEHALF OF PARAMOUNT THROUGH THEY WANTED ME TO READ 768 00:41:53,099 --> 00:41:54,099 THE STATEMENT. 769 00:41:54,128 --> 00:41:55,630 I HAVE TO DO WHAT THEY SAY. 770 00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:59,039 I'M NOT THE ONE WHO GOT CANCELED FOR STEALING PRINTER CARTRIDGES. 771 00:42:00,039 --> 00:42:01,260 >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT WHY I WAS CANCELED! 772 00:42:01,486 --> 00:42:05,573 >> Jon: QUOTE. 773 00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:10,340 PARAMOUNT STRONGLY BELIEVES IN COVERING BOTH SIDES OF ANY BLACK 774 00:42:10,423 --> 00:42:12,950 HOLE SWALLOWING EVERYTHING WE NOW AND LOVE IN THE COVERAGE 775 00:42:13,033 --> 00:42:15,199 MUST INCLUDE THE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF THE INSATIABLE 776 00:42:15,199 --> 00:42:15,837 EMPTINESS. 777 00:42:15,837 --> 00:42:17,281 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT? 778 00:42:17,364 --> 00:42:18,364 THAT'S FAIR. 779 00:42:18,420 --> 00:42:23,260 I DIDN'T THINK MY SHOW WOULD END LIKE THIS BUT STILL, GRATEFUL. 780 00:42:23,348 --> 00:42:25,611 >> Jon: I'M GOING TO BE REAL WITH YOU. 781 00:42:25,700 --> 00:42:28,039 I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING. 782 00:42:28,039 --> 00:42:28,113 >> Stephen: OF COURSE, JON. 783 00:42:28,113 --> 00:42:30,313 LET ME FIRST TAKE A SIP OF WATE LET ME FIRST TAKE A SIP OF WAT 784 00:42:30,900 --> 00:42:31,900 WATER. 785 00:42:33,750 --> 00:42:36,409 >> Jon: DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE IN A LITTLE BIT OF DENIAL? 786 00:42:36,587 --> 00:42:39,552 >> Stephen: NO! 787 00:42:39,730 --> 00:42:42,190 YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID WET FACE! 788 00:42:42,650 --> 00:42:44,710 I'M NOT IN DENIAL, WHAT DENIAL! 789 00:42:44,822 --> 00:42:49,620 >> Jon: THIS WHOLE ISN'T A HOLE, IT'S A METAPHOR. 790 00:42:49,734 --> 00:42:52,077 >> HEY, GUYS. 791 00:42:52,190 --> 00:42:53,489 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 792 00:42:56,500 --> 00:42:58,099 >> Jon: OKAY, IT'S A LITERAL HOLE. 793 00:42:58,230 --> 00:43:01,329 THE WHOLE IS HERE. 794 00:43:01,460 --> 00:43:02,559 YOU CAN'T IGNORE IT. 795 00:43:03,140 --> 00:43:06,520 THE ONLY CHOICE YOU HAVE NOW IS HOW YOU CHOOSE TO WALK THROUGH 796 00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:07,300 IT. 797 00:43:07,300 --> 00:43:09,519 YOU CAN GO KICKING AND SCREAMING. 798 00:43:09,646 --> 00:43:11,046 >> Stephen: THAT ONE. 799 00:43:11,172 --> 00:43:14,352 >> Jon: OR YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU'VE DONE FOR THE PAST 30 800 00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:16,000 YEARS WHEN FACED WITH SOMETHING DARK. 801 00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:19,199 YOU STARE IT DOWN AND YOU CAN LAUGH. 802 00:43:19,275 --> 00:43:23,163 >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, JON I CAN'T FIND ANY JOKES TO SAY 803 00:43:23,239 --> 00:43:24,760 ABOUT MY GIANT GAPING HOLE. 804 00:43:24,928 --> 00:43:26,850 >> Jon: NOTHING? 805 00:43:27,019 --> 00:43:29,219 SORRY I COULDN'T BE MORE HELPFUL. 806 00:43:30,740 --> 00:43:34,280 I'VE GOT TO GET MY 72 HOURS OF BEAUTY SLEEP FOR MY SHOW ON 807 00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:34,665 MONDAY. 808 00:43:34,665 --> 00:43:36,417 >> Stephen: THANKS, JON. 809 00:43:36,564 --> 00:43:39,872 BEFORE YOU GO, I HAVE SOMETHING I NEED TO SAY JUST IN CASE THIS 810 00:43:40,019 --> 00:43:42,219 IS THE LAST TIME WE EVER SPEAK. 811 00:43:42,366 --> 00:43:44,591 >> Jon: SAY IT. 812 00:43:44,739 --> 00:43:46,860 BUT FIRST LET ME GRAB A QUICK SIP OF WATER. 813 00:43:47,078 --> 00:43:50,621 >> Stephen: JON. 814 00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:51,840 I LOVE YOU. 815 00:43:51,964 --> 00:43:58,964 >> Jon: [???] I LOVE YOU TOO. 816 00:44:09,150 --> 00:44:11,289 >> Stephen: HOW MY GOING TO FINISH MY SHOW NOW? 817 00:44:11,889 --> 00:44:13,490 >> MAYBE WE CAN HELP! 818 00:44:13,602 --> 00:44:15,280 >> Stephen: STRIKE FORCE FIVE? 819 00:44:15,391 --> 00:44:17,852 [THUNDERCLAP] >> OH, COME ON. 820 00:44:17,963 --> 00:44:20,238 >> Stephen: JIMMY, SETH! JOHN! 821 00:44:20,350 --> 00:44:26,128 HANDSOME JIMMY! 822 00:44:26,240 --> 00:44:29,707 >> WITHOUT YOU WHERE WILL AMERICANS TURN TO SEE A 823 00:44:29,820 --> 00:44:32,760 MIDDLE-AGED WHITE MEN MAKE JOKES ABOUT THE NEWS? 824 00:44:32,760 --> 00:44:33,625 >> THE NEWS? 825 00:44:33,625 --> 00:44:34,625 WHY? 826 00:44:34,665 --> 00:44:36,109 WHAT'S GOING ON? 827 00:44:36,860 --> 00:44:38,660 >> Stephen: BUT WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS BEING PULLED IN TOO? 828 00:44:38,763 --> 00:44:42,716 >> ACTUALLY, ONE OF THESE HOLES OPENED AT MY SHOW LAST YEAR, BUT 829 00:44:42,820 --> 00:44:44,980 IT WENT AWAY AFTER ABOUT THREE DAYS. 830 00:44:45,110 --> 00:44:46,190 >> Stephen: IS THAT WHAT'S GONN HAPPEN TO ME? 831 00:44:46,319 --> 00:44:53,319 >> SHHHHHH. 832 00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:57,059 >> AT SOME POINT, THIS MAY COME FOR ALL OF OUR SHOWS. 833 00:44:57,160 --> 00:45:00,140 BUT STEPHEN, WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER IS TONIGHT IT IS GONNA 834 00:45:00,140 --> 00:45:00,913 EAT YOU. 835 00:45:00,913 --> 00:45:02,257 >> Stephen: FELLAS, I'M SCARED! 836 00:45:02,351 --> 00:45:03,944 >> THAT'S OKAY. 837 00:45:04,039 --> 00:45:05,940 JUST DO WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE SCARED. 838 00:45:06,067 --> 00:45:07,067 >> Stephen: I CAN'T. 839 00:45:07,176 --> 00:45:09,564 I DIDN'T BRING ANOTHER PAIR OF PANTS. 840 00:45:09,692 --> 00:45:11,995 >> DIDN'T YOU STOP DOING YOUR SHOW AFTER THE 2016 ELECTION? 841 00:45:12,123 --> 00:45:13,445 >> Stephen: NO. 842 00:45:13,743 --> 00:45:16,088 >> THAT'S RIGHT, AND DID YOU STOP DOING YOUR SHOW DURING 843 00:45:16,217 --> 00:45:18,008 COVID? 844 00:45:18,136 --> 00:45:19,500 >> Stephen: NO I DIDN'T. 845 00:45:19,842 --> 00:45:20,950 >> AND DID YOU STOP DOING YOUR SHOW WHEN NO ONE COULD TEL IF 846 00:45:21,079 --> 00:45:22,619 THAT DRESS WAS BLUE AND BLAC OR WHITE AND GOLD? 847 00:45:22,726 --> 00:45:24,679 >> ARE YOU SERIOUS? 848 00:45:24,786 --> 00:45:27,343 IT'S CLEARLY WHITE AND GOLD. 849 00:45:27,449 --> 00:45:28,449 >> OBJECTIVELY WRONG. 850 00:45:28,480 --> 00:45:30,940 NOT A DASH OF WHITE OR GOLD. 851 00:45:31,047 --> 00:45:35,032 >> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 852 00:45:35,032 --> 00:45:36,000 CAN >> I HEARD YANNY. 853 00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:37,000 >> Stephen: GUYS! 854 00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:38,900 I THINK I GET IT NOW. 855 00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:41,200 IT LOOKS LIKE THE END. 856 00:45:41,240 --> 00:45:45,800 AND I WISH IT WASN'T, BUT THAT'S NOT FOR ME TO DECIDE "ALL WE 857 00:45:45,800 --> 00:45:48,360 HAVE TO DECIDE IS WHAT TO DO WITH THE TIME THAT IS GIVEN US." 858 00:45:49,139 --> 00:45:52,200 SO YOU WAIT YOUR TURN, HOLE! 859 00:45:52,308 --> 00:45:54,142 >> YEAH. 860 00:45:54,250 --> 00:45:55,329 GET OUT OF HERE, HOLE! 861 00:45:55,530 --> 00:45:58,849 FOR THE NEXT 12 MINUTES, COLBERT IS THE ONLY ONE IN THIS THEATER 862 00:45:58,849 --> 00:45:59,849 WHO'S GONNA SUCK! 863 00:46:01,250 --> 00:46:02,650 >> Stephen: THANKS, NOT-HANDSOME JIMMY. 864 00:46:04,290 --> 00:46:07,570 NOW IF YOU GENTLEMEN WILL EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT A SHOW TO GET BACK 865 00:46:07,570 --> 00:46:08,170 TO... 866 00:46:08,170 --> 00:46:09,989 AND I'M GOING TO FINISH IT THE WAY I WANT! 867 00:46:10,142 --> 00:46:11,884 >> WAIT, WITH WHAT? 868 00:46:12,037 --> 00:46:16,495 NOT MORE LORD OF THE RINGS [BLEEP]? 869 00:46:16,650 --> 00:46:17,869 >> YOU MADE ELIJAH SAD! 870 00:46:17,990 --> 00:46:20,050 >> WELL, OUR WORK HERE IS DONE. 871 00:46:20,188 --> 00:46:24,499 STRIKE FORCE, TELEPORT! 872 00:46:24,638 --> 00:46:27,466 >> YOU'LL PUT IN SOME COOL VANISHING EFFECT IN POST, RIGHT 873 00:46:27,605 --> 00:46:32,890 >> Stephen: WE DEFINITELY WILL. 874 00:46:32,990 --> 00:46:33,410 DEFINITELY. 875 00:46:33,410 --> 00:46:34,410 DEFINITELY PUT IT IN. 876 00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:37,780 WHERE DID THEY GO? 877 00:46:40,219 --> 00:46:43,119 OKAY, COLE-BERT, LET'S GET BACK OUT THERE... 878 00:46:49,750 --> 00:46:50,750 [APPLAUSE] SORRY ABOUT THAT. 879 00:46:50,909 --> 00:46:52,929 WE FOUND OUT WHERE THE PROBLEM WAS. 880 00:46:55,530 --> 00:46:57,949 THERE WAS A RACCOON BACKSTAGE. 881 00:46:58,409 --> 00:47:01,469 IT HAD GNAWED THROUGH SOME ELECTRICAL CABLES. 882 00:47:01,550 --> 00:47:02,550 IT'S AN OLD BUILDING. 883 00:47:02,630 --> 00:47:03,630 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY. 884 00:47:03,990 --> 00:47:05,310 AND McCARTNEY IS GONE. 885 00:47:05,409 --> 00:47:07,369 CAN WE FIND PAUL McCARTNEY AND GET HIM BACK OUT HERE? 886 00:47:08,010 --> 00:47:11,590 IN THE MEANTIME, LET'S DO SOME MORE JOKES. 887 00:47:12,409 --> 00:47:13,409 WHAT HAVE WE GOT? 888 00:47:14,570 --> 00:47:15,570 KNOCK KNOCK. 889 00:47:23,172 --> 00:47:30,172 >> WHAT'S HAPPENING! 890 00:47:38,500 --> 00:47:45,500 >> YEAH, MONGO DONGO. 891 00:47:53,424 --> 00:47:54,277 >> Stephen: LOUIS! 892 00:47:54,277 --> 00:47:55,277 >> Louis: STEPHEN! 893 00:47:55,299 --> 00:47:56,379 >> Stephen: WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? 894 00:47:56,839 --> 00:47:58,079 >> Louis: YOU CAN GO TO COMMERCIAL! 895 00:47:58,197 --> 00:48:05,197 [SCREAMING] >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! 896 00:48:34,872 --> 00:48:37,654 >> Stephen: HELLO? 897 00:48:37,771 --> 00:48:44,771 >> GOODBYE. 898 00:48:48,469 --> 00:48:53,030 ♪ EVERYBODY'S TALKING LIKE THEY CAN'T SIT DOWN AND LOOKING LIKE 899 00:48:53,132 --> 00:48:59,111 THEY CAN'T STAND UP ♪ MUST BE THE LITTLE STYLE, SEEN A LOT OF 900 00:48:59,214 --> 00:49:06,214 THINGS THAT YOU NEVER SEE ♪ SOME PEOPLE CAN'T KEEP THEIR 901 00:49:12,614 --> 00:49:16,635 FINGERS CLEAN JUST CLICKING THEIR HEELS TO THE BEAT OF THE 902 00:49:16,738 --> 00:49:23,738 SCENE ♪ THE FIRST EDITION OF LAST NIGHT'S ♪ JUMP UP, HOLD 903 00:49:28,730 --> 00:49:34,502 ON TIGHT ♪ CAN'T TRUST A PROMISE OR GUARANTEE ♪ BECAUSE 904 00:49:34,605 --> 00:49:41,605 THE MAN SAYS HE'S NEVER HEARD OF YOU OR ME ♪ NO TOMBSTONE WOULD 905 00:49:44,500 --> 00:49:50,823 EVER SURPRISE ME WHEN I'M LOCKED IN A ROOM ABOUT HALF THE SIZE OF 906 00:49:50,925 --> 00:49:56,561 A MATCHBOX ♪ HOLES IN MY SOCKS ♪ THEY MATCH THE ONES ON MY 907 00:49:56,664 --> 00:50:03,664 FEET ♪ PUT MY FEET IN THE ♪ I WAS A STATUE STANDING ON THE 908 00:50:07,384 --> 00:50:13,603 CORNER ♪ TELL ME HOW ELSE CAN A BOY GET TO SEE THOSE PRETTY 909 00:50:13,707 --> 00:50:20,707 PLEASE ♪ 910 00:50:35,731 --> 00:50:42,731 CANDIDATE TALKING ON THE RADIO ♪ ♪ MUST BE THE LATEST FULL ♪ 911 00:50:45,660 --> 00:50:50,300 BECAUSE IT'S A 2-HORSE RACE AND HE CHANGED HIS BEDS LIKE IT WAS 912 00:50:50,402 --> 00:50:52,808 ANOTHER BRAND OF CIGARETTES WAS ANOTHER BRAND OF CIGARET 913 00:50:52,910 --> 00:50:57,996 CIGARETTES ♪ SOME PEOPLE JUDGE AND THEY JUST GUESS THE REST ♪ 914 00:50:58,099 --> 00:51:04,525 THEY CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT, DON'T MEAN THAT YOU'RE BLESSED ♪ 915 00:51:04,627 --> 00:51:09,403 THEY OUGHT TO CATCH THE EXPRESS ♪ NEXT STOP NOWHERE ♪ THAT 916 00:51:09,507 --> 00:51:16,507 WAY YOU CAN FORGET ♪ JUMP UP ♪ ♪ HOLD ON TIGHT ♪ CAN TRUST 917 00:51:18,749 --> 00:51:23,800 THE PROMISE OR GUARANTEE ♪ 'CAUSE THE MAN AROUND THE CURVE 918 00:51:23,903 --> 00:51:30,903 SAYS THAT HE'S NEVER HEARD OF YOU ARE ME ♪ >> Stephen: GOOD 919 00:51:39,365 --> 00:51:41,564 NIGHT. 920 00:51:41,667 --> 00:51:48,667 [CRACKLING] ♪ YOU SAY, "YES", I SAY, "NO" ♪ YOU SAY, "STOP" 921 00:51:51,941 --> 00:51:58,941 AND I SAY, "GO, GO, GO" ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪ YOU SAY, "GOODBYE" 922 00:52:03,761 --> 00:52:10,761 AND I SAY, "HELLO, HELLO, HELLO" ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY 923 00:52:16,817 --> 00:52:23,345 "GOODBYE" I SAY, "HELLO" HELLO, HELLO ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU 924 00:52:23,448 --> 00:52:30,448 SAY "GOODBYE", I SAY, "HELLO" ♪ ♪ I SAY, "HIGH", YOU SAY "LOW" 925 00:52:32,863 --> 00:52:35,440 ♪ YOU SAY "WHY?" 926 00:52:35,543 --> 00:52:42,543 ♪ AND I SAY "I DON'T KNOW" ♪ OH, NO ♪ YOU SAY, "GOODBYE" 927 00:52:47,706 --> 00:52:53,891 AND I SAY, "HELLO" HELLO, HELLO ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY 928 00:52:53,995 --> 00:53:00,995 "GOODBYE", I SAY, "HELLO, HELLO, HELLO" ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU 929 00:53:03,031 --> 00:53:10,031 SAY "GOODBYE", I SAY "HELLO" ♪ ♪ WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY 930 00:53:13,064 --> 00:53:19,214 DO YOU SAY, "GOODBYE, GOODBYE, BYE, BYE, BYE, BYE"? 931 00:53:19,317 --> 00:53:26,317 ♪ OH, NO ♪ YOU SAY, "GOODBYE" AND I SAY, "HELLO, 932 00:53:27,495 --> 00:53:34,495 HELLO, HELLO" ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY "GOODBYE" I SAY, 933 00:53:35,639 --> 00:53:42,304 "HELLO, HELLO, HELLO" ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY "GOODBYE" 934 00:53:42,407 --> 00:53:49,407 I SAY "HELLO" ♪ YOU SAY, "YES" I SAY "NO" ♪ YOU SAY, "STOP" 935 00:53:49,932 --> 00:53:56,932 BUT I SAY, "GO, GO, GO" ♪ WHOA NO ♪ YOU SAY, "GOODBYE" AND I 936 00:54:00,343 --> 00:54:07,343 SAY "HELLO, HELLO, HELLO" ♪ HELLO, GOODBYE ♪ I DON'T KNOW 937 00:54:08,865 --> 00:54:14,568 WHY YOU SAY, "GOODBYE", I SAY, "HELLO, HELLO HELLO" ♪ HELLO, 938 00:54:14,671 --> 00:54:17,900 GOODBYE, HELLO GOODBYE ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY, "GOODBYE", I 939 00:54:18,004 --> 00:54:25,004 SAY, "HELLO, HELLO HELLO" ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY 940 00:54:26,353 --> 00:54:33,353 "GOODBYE", I SAY, ♪ HELLO-OOH ♪ HEY LA, HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA, 941 00:54:45,560 --> 00:54:52,560 HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA, HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA, HEY, HELLO ♪ 942 00:54:58,170 --> 00:55:05,170 HEY LA, HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, 943 00:55:10,093 --> 00:55:17,093 HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪ 944 00:55:21,672 --> 00:55:28,672 HEY LA ♪ 'S HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ 945 00:55:33,149 --> 00:55:40,149 HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪ [MUFFLED] HEY LA ♪ 946 00:55:43,697 --> 00:55:50,697 HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO 947 00:55:55,414 --> 00:56:02,414 ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪ [WHIRRING] ♪ [TINKLING MUSIC] 948 00:56:24,380 --> 00:56:25,500 COME ON, BENNY. LET'S GO. 68875

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