Original subtitles

>> FOLKS, WE HAVE DONE OVER 1800 OF THESE SHOWS, AND MOST NIGHTS

>> FOLKS, WE HAVE DONE OVER 1800 OF THESE SHOWS, AND MOST NIGHTS

I COME OUT HERE AND I TALK TO THE AUDIENCE BEFOREHAND AND

TONIGHT I THOUGHT I'D TALK TO THE AUDIENCE IN HERE AND THE

AUDIENCE OUT THERE AT HOME.

THIS SHOW, I WANT YOU TO KNOW AND YOU TO KNOW, HAS BEEN A JOY

FOR US TO DO FOR YOU.

IN FACT, WE CALL THIS SHOW THE JOY MACHINE, ALL RIGHT?

LOUIS STOLE IT FROM US AND WE ARE CURRENTLY IN LITIGATION

RIGHT NOW.

YOU BETTER LAWYER UP, BUDDY.

WE CALL IT THE JOY MACHINE BECAUSE TO DO THIS MANY SHOWS,

IT HAS TO BE A MACHINE.

>> Louis: YEAH.

>> Stephen: BUT THE THING IS, IF YOU CHOOSE TO DO IT WITH JOY, IT

DOESN'T HURT AS MUCH WHEN YOUR FINGERS GET CAUGHT IN THE GEARS.

AND I CANNOT ADEQUATELY EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK

HERE HAVE DONE FOR EACH OTHER AND HOW MUCH WE MEAN TO EACH

OTHER.

SO I WILL JUST SAY...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I WOULD JUST SAY TO THEM, I WOULD JUST

SAY TO THEM YOU ARE ALL THE GREAT ACHILLES WHOM WE KNEW.

NOW, ON NIGHT ONE OF "THE COLBERT REPORT" BACK IN THE DAY,

I SAID ANYONE CAN READ THE NEWS TO YOU.

I PROMISE TO FEEL THE NEWS AT YOU.

AND I REALIZED PRETTY SOON IN THIS JOB THAT OUR JOB OVER HERE

WAS DIFFERENT.

WE WERE HERE TO FEEL THE NEWS WITH YOU.

AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I SURE HAVE FELT IT.

AND I JUST WANT TO LET ALL Y'ALL KNOW IN HERE AND OUT THERE HOW

IMPORTANT YOU'VE BEEN TO WHAT WE HAVE DONE.

THE ENERGY THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN US, WE SINCERELY NEED THAT TO

HAVE DONE THE BEST POSSIBLE SHOW WE COULD HAVE FOR YOU FOR THE

LAST 11 YEARS.

YOU'VE GIVEN IT TO US.

WE'VE GIVEN IT ALL RIGHT BACK TO YOU.

WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THAT, LOUIS >> Louis: I WOULD CALL THAT A

RECIPROCAL EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP.

>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.

BECAUSE WE LOVE DOING THE SHOW FOR YOU BUT WHAT WE REALLY LOVE

IS DOING THE SHOW WITH YOU.

NOW I'LL SAY TO YOU WHAT I'VE SAID TO EVERY AUDIENCE FOR THE

LAST 11 YEARS AND I HAVE MEANT IT EVERY TIME.

HAVE A GOOD SHOW.

THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

AND LET'S DO IT, Y'ALL.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN >> TONIGHT IS >> THE SERIES FINALE

>> OF "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."

>> AND I'VE GOT TO SAY I'M NOT SURPRISED.

>> BECAUSE FRANKLY ♪ IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME ♪ >> STEPHEN COLBERT

>> SHOT A GUY ONCE.

>> HE'S A MEAN GUY.

HE LOOKS MEAN, DOESN'T HE?

>> HE'S GETTING FATTER BY THE EPISODE.

>> HE'S GOT A TINY LITTLE >> GENETICALLY ALTERED WIENER.

>> HE GOT CAUGHT MASTURBATING IN A >> SUBWAY TUNNEL.

>> I WOULD RATHER >> WATCH >> "THE LATE SHOW" >> STARRING >>

KANYE WEST AND VOLDEMORT.

>> HE LOOKS LIKE A SHORT BUTCHE PEEPING OVER 2 POUNDS OF LIVER.

>> WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

>> I WISH I HAD AN ENDING FOR THIS BIT.

>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!"

TONIGHT...

HELLO GOODBYE!

FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE GREAT BIG JOY MACHINE!

AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK

CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!

♪ >> Stephen: HELLO!

OH, MY GOODNESS!

♪ HELLO, FRIENDS!

HELLO, FRIENDS!

THAT'S VERY NICE.

WELL!

WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW" "THE LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. SIT DOWN!

IF YOU'RE JUST TUNING IN TO "THE LATE SHOW," YOU MISSED A LOT.

TONIGHT IS OUR FINAL BROADCAST FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.

[BOOING] NO, NO, WE WERE LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE HERE FOR THE LAST

11 YEARS, ALL RIGHT?

CAN'T TAKE THIS FOR GRANTED.

THOUGH TECHNICALLY OUR FIRST SHOW IN JULY OF 2015 WAS FROM A

PUBLIC ACCESS STATION IN MONROE MICHIGAN FOR AN AUDIENCE OF 12

PEOPLE.

SHOW BUSINESS BEING WHAT IT IS THESE DAYS, THAT'S PROBABLY

WHERE YOU'LL SEE ME NEXT.

SO MUCH HISTORY IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER AND WE HAVE

BEEN HONORED TO HAVE BEEN JUST A SMALL PART OF IT.

NICHOLS AND MAE PLAYED ON THIS STAGE.

THE BEATLES MADE THEIR AMERICAN DEBUT HERE AND THIS IS TRUE,

THIS IS TRUE, BACKSTAGE ELVIS USED THE BATHROOM AND DIDN'T

DIE.

WE'VE HAD SO MUCH FUN IN THIS THEATER, SO MANY GREAT SEGMENTS.

I WILL MISS DOING "FIRST DRAFT" WHERE I SHOW THE FINAL DRAFT OF

A GRADING CARD AND SHALL BE PLAYFULLY WRONG FIRST DRAFT.

WE MADE ONE FOR TONIGHT.

THIS WAS PRETTY NICE.

"THIS ISN'T GOODBYE.

IT'S SEE YOU LATER."

YES.

BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID "THIS ISN'T GOODBYE.

HOW DO YOU START AND ONLY FANS?"

YEAH, I'VE GOT THE TOOTSIES.

AT FIRST WE KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO BE OUR LAST NIGHT WE WERE

PLANNING ON DOING A HUGE SPECIAL THIS EVENING BUT THE THING IS WE

LIKE TO THANK EVERY EPISODE OF "THE LATE SHOW" IS KIND OF

SPECIAL.

WE THOUGHT THE BEST WAY TO CELEBRATE WHAT WE'VE DONE OVER

THE LAST 11 YEARS IS TO JUST DO A REGULAR EPISODE WHERE I COME

OUT HERE AND TALK ABOUT THE NATIONAL CONVERSATION AND

UNDENIABLY TODAY THE BIG STORY THAT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT

-- >> EXCUSE ME.

STEPHEN, EXCUSE ME.

>> Stephen: BRYAN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> HI.

>> Stephen: BRYAN CRANSTON.

>> BUT YOU SAID THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL HAPPENING TONIGHT?

>> Stephen: WELL, AS I WAS SAYING, WE ARE DOING A NORMAL

EPISODE OF "THE LATE SHOW" WHICH IS ALWAYS KIND OF SPECIAL.

>> OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

BUT NOT EVEN, I DON'T KNOW, A SURPRISE CELEBRITY CAMEO POPPING

UP OUT OF NOWHERE?

>> Stephen: ?

>> Stephen: NO, BRYAN, THOSE ALWAYS FEEL KIND OF FORCED.

>> Bryan: ABSOLUTELY, TOTALLY, VERY CHEAP STUNT BUT I'M HERE.

MAYBE I COULD BE YOUR LAST GUEST.

>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE GREAT, BRYAN.

THE THING IS, WE ALREADY HAVE A PRETTY SPECIAL ONE LINED UP.

I'M SORRY.

[LAUGHTER] [AUDIENCE REACTS] >> Bryan: WHAT THE HELL AM I HERE

FOR?

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN KEEP YOUR STUPID HAT.

I'M GOING TO GO SELL MY TICKET.

>> Stephen: BRYAN!

BRYAN!

BRYAN CRANSTON, EVERYBODY.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

I FEEL BAD.

I FEEL TERRIBLE.

OKAY, MOVING ON, THE BIG NEWS IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO FLY IN OR OUT

OF NEW YORK BECAUSE YESTERDAY MORNING A SINKHOLE SHUT DOWN A

RUNWAY AT LaGUARDIA.

REPORTEDLY CREWS FOUND THE SINKHOLE WHILE CONDUCTING A

DAILY MORNING INSPECTION OF THE AIRPORTS AIRFIELD AND YES THAT

IS SOMEONE'S ACTUAL JOB.

WHAT?

YOU THOUGHT MY HOLE INSPECTOR SHIRT WAS A JOKE?

IT MEANS WHAT?

HOLY MACKEREL.

IS THAT WHY WOMEN WON'T TALK TO ME?

WEIRDLY, WEIRDLY THAT WASN'T THE ONLY GAPING HOLE TO APPEAR NEW

YORK CITY YESTERDAY BECAUSE, AND EVERYONE IS FINE, A SCHOOL BUS

IN THE BRONX PARTIALLY FELL INTO A SINKHOLE.

FIRST QUEENS THEN THE BRONX.

EVEN SINKHOLES DON'T WANT TO GO TO STATEN ISLAND.

YOU KNOW WHAT, WE BETTER GET OFF THE AIR QUICK BEFORE A GIANT

SINKHOLE SWALLOWS THE ED SULLIVAN.

THERE'S AN UPDATE ON THE FOLKS WHO WERE EXPOSED TO HANTAVIRUS

ON THE CRUCIAL A WHILE AGO.

AT LEAST TWO PASSENGERS WERE FORMALLY ORDER TO STAY IN

QUARANTINE IN NEBRASKA.

THIS IS A STRICT QUARANTINE, ADMIRABLY CAUTIOUS ESPECIALLY

CONSIDERING THE NATIONS HANTAVIRUS RESPONSES NOW BEING

LED BY DR.

BRIAN CHRISTINE, A PENILE IMPLANT SPECIALIST AND VACCINE

SKEPTIC.

THIS GUY IS NOT AFRAID OF LITTLE PRICKS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

PEABODY PLEASE.

THE SMART CHOICE. DR.

CHRISTINE IS AN ELECTION DENYING FAR RIGHT WHACK JOB WHO HOSTED A

YOUTUBE SERIES ON ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION CALLED E CONNECTION

CONNECTERECTION CONNECTION.

YOU ARE IN JEANS AND A FLORAL CROP TOP.

I HAD AN ERECTION.

OVER IN ITALY THERE'S US BY SEA SCANDAL BREWING OVER ROME'S SEXY

PRIEST CALENDAR WHICH FEATURES CLOSE-UPS OF YOUNG HANDSOME MEN

IN PRIESTLY ATTIRE AND HAS BEEN A PERENNIAL ROME SOUVENIR FOR

THE LAST TWO DECADES.

IT'S THE KIND OF SOUVENIR YOUR MOM BUYS AS A JOKE AND THEN PUTS

UP IN THE KITCHEN AS A JOKE.

THEN ON CERTAIN RAINY MORNINGS YOU COME DOWNSTAIRS TO FIND

SHE'S DRINKING HER TEA AND STARING AT THE CALENDAR AS A

JOKE. MOM IS SO FUNNY.

BUT YESTERDAY IT WAS REVEALED THAT ROME'S SEXY PRIEST CALENDAR

COVER MODEL NEVER SET FOOT IN THE SEMINARY.

HOLD ON.

I'M GETTING WORD THAT THIS IS THE WORST SCANDAL TO EVER HIT&

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

WHAT?

OKAY, THIS IS MY DEAF EAR?

I'M NOT SURPRISED.

JUST LOOKING AT THEM YOU CAN TELL THOSE TWO MEN RIGHT THERE

ARE CLEARLY FAKE PRIEST AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT PUG IS ONLY

A DEACON.

BESIDES -- >> HEY, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: PAUL RUDD!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] PAUL, PAUL, WHY ARE YOU INTERRUPTING

ME?

>> Paul: I'M JUST CURIOUS WHEN OUR INTERVIEW STARTS.

I HAVE AN EXTREMELY LONG POEM I WANT TO RECITE AND I DON'T WANT

TO RUN OUT OF TIME.

>> Stephen: YOU WROTE A POEM ABOUT ME?

>> Paul: I WROTE A POEM.

[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S NICE.

PAUL, JUST, YOU'RE NOT MY LAST GUEST.

>> Paul: REALLY?

THEN I GUESS IT'S A LITTLE AWKWARD FIBER TRADITIONAL

RETIREMENT GIFT.

>> Stephen: WONDERFUL, THANK YOU SO MUCH, PAUL, IS IT A GOLD

WATCH?

>> Paul: NO, I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU THE TRADITIONAL SIX BANANAS.

WHAT YOU ALWAYS GET PEOPLE WHO ARE RETIRING.

>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, PAUL.

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WHEN SOMEONE'S RETIRING YOU GIVE THEM

A GOLD WATCH.

>> Paul: OH, GREAT.

WELL, THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE FIVE BANANAS?

>> Stephen: FIVE BANANAS?

HOLD ON I THOUGHT A MOMENT AGO YOU SAID IT WAS SIX.

>> Paul: I GOT HUNGRY.

NOW INTERVIEW ME!

>> LISTEN, PAUL RUDD.

[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, YEAH, IT'S ME, TIM MEADOWS.

STEPHEN IS A GREAT GUY.

IF HE SAYS YOU'RE NOT HIS LAST GUEST YOU JUST GOT TO ACCEPT IT.

>> Stephen: MY OLD FRIEND TIM MEADOWS.

TIMMY.

IT'S AMAZED TO SEE YOU, AS ALWAYS BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HERE, BUDDY?

>> I WAS JUST EXPLAINING TO PAUL RUDD THAT FOR YOUR LAST GUEST

YOU WANTED SOME AND THAT YOU GO BACK WITH SO WE COULD TALK ABOUT

THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN YOU AND I WERE DOING SECOND CITY TOGETHER.

>> Stephen: IT'S NOT YOU EITHER, TIM.

>> Tim: SCREW YOU, COLBERT!

YOU KNOW WHAT!

YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVE!

GIVE ME THOSE BANANAS!

>> Stephen: THANKS, BUDDY.

LOVE YOU.

[APPLAUSE] I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.

NICE FELLOWS.

THIS SHOW ENDING DOES HAVE ONE UPSIDE.

I WON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE INEVITABLE RISE OF THE MACHINE

OVERLORDS.

THOUGH I HAVE RECENTLY BEEN GIVEN SOME HOPE FOR MANKIND IN

THE FORM OF THIS NEW DANCING ROBOT FROM CHINA.

♪

♪ MAN!

THAT NEW MICHAEL JACKSON MOVIE LOOKS GOOD.

NOW A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASKING ME WHAT I PLAN TO DO

AFTER TONIGHT.

AND THE ANSWER IS DRUGS.

BUT HERE'S THE THING.

I JUST FOUND THIS OUT.

THIS JUST CAME OUT, RIGHT?

A NATIONAL MARINE MAMMAL FOUNDATION AND MY BELOVED STATE

OF SOUTH CAROLINA HAS A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT IDEA.

BECAUSE DOWN THERE THEY PUT UP THIS BILLBOARD SAYING "WANTED:

FORMER LATE SHOW HOST BURDENED BY WHALE RELATED CHILDHOOD

AMBITION."

IT'S ONE OF THE SERIES OF BILLBOARDS TARGETED AT ME FROM

THE MARINE MAMMAL FOUNDATION I'VE GOT TO SAY IT'S FLATTERING

TO BE CONSIDERED.

IT'S ONE OF THE ONLY BILLBOARDS IN SOUTH CAROLINA DOESN'T SAY

"REPENT NOW. BIBLE IS REAL.

DIAL 1-800-HELL FOR YOU.

CRACKER BARREL INTO EXITS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY KNEW THIS BUT IT IS TRUE THAT AS A LITTLE

BOY I GREW UP WANTING TO BE JACQUES COUSTEAU SO I REALLY

APPRECIATE THE LETTER THAT THEY SENT TO ME AND THEY PUT UP ON

THE WEBSITE SAYING THE WORK IS ESSENTIAL.

THE MISSION MATTERS DEEPLY AND THE DOLPHINS ARE CAUTIOUSLY

OPTIMISTIC ABOUT YOUR AVAILABILITY.

WHAT?

THE DOLPHINS KNOW I GOT CANCELED?

WAIT, IS THAT TRUE, DOLPHINS?

[SQUEAKING] WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!

IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.

STICK AROUND!

♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK!

GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE GREAT BIG JOY MACHINE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] JOHN, LEWIS, LOUIS, NEGAH, ENDE JOHN,

THE GREATEST BAND ON TV.

I WANT TO TAKE A MOMENT, I WANTED TO TAKE A MOMENT, HAVE A

SEAT.

WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY WHO SHOWED UP LAST MAY TO GIVE ME

THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.

IT WAS AN EXTRAORDINARY GROUP OF OUR OLD FRIENDS ON THE SHOW.

WE GAVE IT, HOW MUCH TIME DID WE ALLOW IT?

20 MINUTES.

HOW LONG DID IT GO?

>> 58 MINUTES!

>> Stephen: TO YOU CAN GO ONLINE AND WE HAVE PUT UP THE WHOLE

THING, RIGHT?

YOU CAN WATCH THE WHOLE THING RIGHT THERE.

AND ALL OF ITS BEAUTIFUL CHAOTIC GLORY.

CHECK IT OUT.

FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW THAT ON EVERY...

[WARBLING] IS THAT COMING FROM ONE OF YOUR SPEAKERS?

DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

HOLD ON.

CAN YOU TURN IT OFF?

IT'S GONE.

NEVER MIND.

SORRY.

FANTASTIC.

FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF MY

TIME RIGHT OVER THERE IN THE NEWS SHIPYARD ASSEMBLING THE

MOST STORY HALL USING GRAPHICS, FLAWLESS CAMERAWORK, DIRECTION,

SOUND AND LIGHTING POWERED BY MARINE DIESEL ENGINE JOKES FOR

THE HONOR OF HELMING THE ART OF COMEDY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE BUT

SOMETIMES WRAPPING UP 11 YEARS OF GAGS I STRIPPED THE COPPER

WIRE OUT OF THE CONTROL BOARD AND STRAP MY LOVE OF MY STAFF

AND CREW TO MY OVERTURNED DESK AND SLAP ON SOME PLANS, FROM

JOHN MAYER LASER PRINTERS AND THEN CLIMB INSIDE AND PUT HER

AWAY IN THE UNSINKABLE GRATITUDE DINGHY OF NEWS THAT IS MY

SEGMENT...

♪ >> "MEANWHILE!"

>> Stephen: IT IS SWEEPING THE NATION, SWEEPING THE NATION.

IT IS A SALVE FOR THE SOUL.

MEANWHILE.

A FEDERAL APPEALS COURT HAS STRUCK DOWN A 150-YEAR-OLD BAN

ON HOME DISTILLING OPENING THE DOOR TO MAKING YOUR OWN SPIRITS

AT HOME.

EXPERTS SAY DISTILLING SPIRITS AT HOME IS SIMILAR TO MAKING

BEER AT HOME AND THAT THE FIRST STEP IS TO GET DIVORCED.

MEANWHILE, THE WORLD'S LARGEST DR PEPPER BOTTLE WAS JUST

UNVEILED AT THE DR PEPPER MUSEUM AND CELEBRATES THE ICONIC SOFT

DRINK FIRST CREATED IN WACO, TEXAS, IN 1885.

YES, WACO, TEXAS.

YOU KNOW THEIR SLOGAN.

PLEASE SAY WE'RE FAMOUS FOR THE SODA!

[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, THE OWNER OF THE MUSIC OF A CHARLIE BROWN

CHRISTMAS AND OTHER PEANUTS TELEVISION SPECIALS HAS FOUND

FOUR LAWSUITS YESTERDAY AGAINST THOSE ILLEGALLY USING THE FAMOUS

SONG "LIONESS AND LUCY."

PEANUTS IS A POWERFUL BRAND INCORPORATION IN THE AND OF

ITSELF.

ANYONE ILLEGALLY USING THAT MUSIC IS GOING TO HAVE TO PAY

THROUGH THE NOSE. LOUIS.

[PLAYING "LINUS AND LUCY"] ARE YOU PLAYING THE SAME MUSIC THAT

I JUST HAVE PEOPLE ARE BEING SUED FOR USING WITHOUT

PERMISSION?

♪ IS THAT WHAT THEY ARE DOING?

>> Louis: OH, NO.

SKU AND I HOPE THIS DOESN'T COST CBS ANY MONEY.

MEANWHILE, OLD-SCHOOL PHARMACEUTICAL BRAND IS HOT ON

THE THRIFTING SCENE.

THIS SCARF, THIS LOVELY CLOCK WITH THE LOGO FOR THE

ANTIDEPRESSANT LEXAPRO.

IT'S GOT THE CATCHY SLOGAN.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

I WILL TELL YOU WHAT TIME IT ISN'T.

IT ISN'T TIME TO FILL YOUR POCKETS WITH ROCKS AND WALK INTO

THE OCEAN.

MEANWHILE.

OH, WAIT A SECOND.

HEY, I JUST NOTICED ANOTHER OLD FRIEND IN THE AUDIENCE.

IT'S TIG NOTARO.

HI.

[APPLAUSE] >> HEY, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: LET ME GUESS YOU ALSO THINK YOU'RE GOING TO BE MY

GUEST TONIGHT.

>> Tig: NO.

NO, I JUST LIKE TO BE AT HISTORIC EVENTS.

I WAS AT THE OBAMA INAUGURATION, THE MOON LANDING, AND WHATEVER

THIS IS.

[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: TIG, YOU WEREN'T AT THE MOON LANDING.

>> Tig: I SAID WHAT I SAID.

>> Stephen: IT'S MAKES A VIEW TO BE HERE TO SUPPORT ME FOR MY

LAST SHOW.

>> Tig: THIS IS YOUR LAST SHO SHOW?

>> Stephen: YEAH, HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT?

>> Tig: I AM A VERY FULL LIFE, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: IT'S OUR LAST SHOW BECAUSE WE WERE CANCELED AND I

DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

>> WE'LL GET INTO IT DURING MY INTERVIEW AS THE LAST GUEST.

>> Stephen: RYAN REYNOLDS.

RYAN.

RYAN, IT'S GREAT TO SEE BUT I HATE TO TELL YOU, YOU'RE NOT MY

LAST GUEST.

>> OUCHIE.

OKAY NOW I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE.

PAY MY RESPECTS TO THE ONE ON THE WORLDS GREATEST ENTERTAINERS

IN HIS LAST NIGHT AT THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.

[APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH, RYAN.

THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.

>> Ryan: I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOUR KEYBOARDIST, COREY BERNHAR

YOUR KEYBOARDIST, COREY BERNH BERNHARD.

[APPLAUSE] THESE ARE FOR YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

PLEASE STOP DM-ING ME.

>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, "THE NEW YORK POST" PROFILED A NEW YORK

CITY MAN WHO MAKES HIMSELF SUSHI FROM THE BASKET HE CATCHES IN

THE HUDSON RIVER.

HE WILL BE MISSED.

WE WILL BE BACK WITH OUR VERY SPECIAL FINAL GUEST.

STICK AROUND.

♪ >> Stephen: [LAUGHS] >> Louis: WHOO!

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

LADIES AND GERMS, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, FOLKS, PLEASE HAVE A

SEAT, EVERYBODY.

AND NOW FOR MY FINAL INTERVIEW, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS NOT JUST

PERFECT.

HE IS IN FACT INFALLIBLE.

PLEASE WELCOME -- >> STEPHEN, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I AM TRYING TO INTRODUCE THE POPE.

>> THE POPE WON'T COME OUT OF HIS DRESSING ROOM.

>> Stephen: WHY NOT?

>> WE DIDN'T READ HIS WHOLE RIDER AND WE GOT ON THE WRONG

SNACKS.

>> Stephen: HE ASKED FOR HOT DOGS.

WE GOT HIM HOT DOGS FOR YOUR HOLINESS, PLEASE COME OUT, LEO,

LEO, PLEASE.

>> NO WAY, COLBERT!

YOU CALL THAT A CHICAGO DOG!

POPE DON'T PLAY LIKE THAT.

LEO OUT!

>> Stephen: OH, NO, OH, NO, >> Stephen: OH, NO, OH, NO.

>> Stephen: OH, NO, OH, NO.

OH.

THE POPE, WHO WAS DEFINITELY MY GUEST TONIGHT, HAS CANCELED.

DID WE ALREADY SEND THE OTHER STARS AWAY?

THIS IS TERRIBLE.

WHO IS GOING TO BE MY LAST GUEST NOW?

>> HEY, STEVE.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: PAUL McCARTNEY!

PLEASE.

[CHEERING] PAUL, WOULD YOU?

THIS IS THE PERFECT...

I THINK YOU'D BE A PERFECT LAST GUEST.

OH, MY GOD.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[CHEERING] MY FINAL GUEST.

PAUL, THANK YOU.

PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.

PAUL, YOU BE MY PERFECT LAST GUEST.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, PAUL?

>> Paul: I WAS JUST IN THE AREA.

I WAS DOING SOME ERRANDS.

YEAH.

I BROUGHT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

>> Stephen: YOU BROUGHT SOMETHING FOR ME?

IS THIS -- COAT THEY TOLD ME THERE WOULD BE -- I THOUGHT THE

POPE WAS BRINGING ME THIS.

I HONESTLY HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS.

>> Paul: COME ON.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: IS THAT HERE?

>> Paul: RIGHT HERE.

>> Stephen: WOW.

"TO STEPHEN, YOU'RE BETTER THAN THE BEATLES."

PAUL McCARTNEY.

THAT'S WHAT I READ.

>> Paul: IT DOESN'T SAY THAT.

>> Stephen: WHEN MY EDITORS ARE DONE, THAT'S WHAT IT'S GOING TO

SAY, PAUL.

THAT'S SO LOVELY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Paul: FOR YOU, ANYTHING.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I HAVE HAD THE HONOR OF INTERVIEWING YOU BEFORE AND

YOU'VE BEEN BACK TO THE ED SULLIVAN BUT I'M CURIOUS, WHEN

YOU'RE HERE, WHAT, WHAT'S YOUR SENSE?

WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES, DO YOU HEAR THE GIRLS SCREAMING?

>> Paul: YEAH.

[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING] >> Stephen: [LAUGHS] [SCREAMING

CONTINUES] [LAUGHS] OKAY, OKAY.

I'M JUST CURIOUS.

THANK YOU.

HOW OFTEN DOES THAT HAPPEN TO YOU AT THIS POINT?

>> Paul: UM, OFTEN.

>> Stephen: I WANT YOU TO KNOW MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS ARE HERE

AND TWO OF MY SISTERS HERE WERE AT YOUR CONCERT IN WASHINGTON,

D.C.

DO YOU REMEMBER?

DO YOU REMEMBER THEM?

>> Paul: I REMEMBER THAT ONE.

YEAH.

>> Stephen: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE BACK?

>> Paul: IT'S ALWAYS FANTASTIC TO COME BACK HERE.

LIKE YOU SAY, I ALWAYS REMEMBER THE GIRLS IN THE BALCONY.

>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT MR.

SULLIVAN, WAS HE A NICE FELLOW?

>> Paul: >> Pau [SCREAMING] >> Paul: NOT YOU.

MR. SULLIVAN WAS REALLY NICE.

HE WAS A REALLY COOL GUY.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER. FEBRUARY OF '64?

WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER?

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WE HAD NEVER BEEN TO AMERICA.

WE COME HERE AND PEOPLE SAID IT'S LIKE THE BIGGEST SHOW.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, WE HAD NEVER HEARD OF HIM. ENGLAND.

BUT YEAH, IT WAS FANTASTIC.

YOU HAD TO GO A FEW FLOORS DOWN TO GET MAKEUP.

>> Stephen: IT'S A CAVERN DOWN THERE.

>> Paul: WE GOT USED TO A LITTLE BIT OF MAKEUP IN ENGLAND.

BUT WE WENT DOWN THERE, AND THE GIRLS WHO PUT MAKEUP ON US, IT

WAS LIKE BRIGHT ORANGE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY POPULAR IN CERTAIN CIRCLES THESE DAYS.

>> Paul: YEAH.

>> Stephen: YOU FIT NICELY IN.

>> Paul: WE SET A TREND.

>> Stephen: YOU DID.

NOW WE KNOW WHERE IT STARTED.

THANKS A LOT, PAUL McCARTNEY.

WERE YOU PLEASED WITH HOW IT WENT?

DID YOU HAVE SOME SENSE OF WHAT THE REACTION WAS?

>> Paul: YEAH, I MEAN, WE WERE VERY PLEASED.

LOOKING BACK ON IT NOW, WHAT I'M PLEASED WITH, WE'RE LIVE AND WE

SOUND GOOD.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE TIGHT.

REALLY TIGHT.

WERE YOU NERVOUS?

>> Paul: WE WERE A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS.

BUT WE WERE YOUNG KIDS.

SORT OF FULL OF OURSELVES.

>> Stephen: YOU WERE 21, RIGHT?

>> Paul: SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

BUT YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT WAS VERY EXCITING.

>> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION OF AMERICA ITSELF?

HAD YOU BEEN OVER BEFORE THAT?

>> Paul: NO.

SO IT WAS AMERICA, YOU KNOW.

>> Stephen: I KNOW.

BUT AS A BOY FROM LIVERPOOL.

>> Paul: YEAH.

>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

>> Paul: AMERICA WAS WHERE ALL THE MUSIC WE LOVED CAME FROM.

OLD ROCK 'N' ROLL, THE BLUES, THE WHOLE THING.

EVEN GOING BACK TO THE FRED ASTAIRE.

IT WAS ALL FROM AMERICA.

SO THAT'S WHAT WE THOUGHT, AMERICA IS THE LAND OF THE FREE,

THE GREATEST DEMOCRACY.

[APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: YES.

>> Paul: THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

>> Paul: AND STILL IS HOPEFULLY.

>> Stephen: SURE, SURE.

[APPLAUSE] WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE PAUL McCARTNEY, EVERYBODY.

STICK AROUND.

♪ >> Stephen: ONE MORE TIME FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE BAND

RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S A GOOD BAND.

THAT'S A GREAT BAND RIGHT OVER THERE.

NOW, AS YOU CAN SEE, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, MY FRIENDS.

WE ARE HERE WITH THROUGH PAUL McCARTNEY.

PAUL, ONE THING I WANTED TO ASK YOU.

[STATIC HUMMING] WHAT WAS THAT?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WHERE WAS I?

PAUL McCARTNEY.

PAUL, YOU HAVE NOT STOPPED MAKING MUSIC, OKAY.

IN FACT, YOU'VE GOT A BRAND-NEW ALBUM.

IS THIS OUT NOW OR ABOUT TO COME OUT?

>> Paul: ABOUT TO COME OUT.

>> Stephen: IT'S CALLED "THE BOYS OF DUNGEON LANE."

WHAT WAS DUNGEON LANE?

>> Paul: IT WAS A PLACE NEARBY WHERE I USED TO LIVE IN

LIVERPOOL, PLEASE CALL SPEKE AND THIS WAS A ROAD THAT LED TO THE

SHORE, AND ESCAPE FROM WHERE USED DELIVERED.

>> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBORHOOD WAS DUNGEON LANE?

>> Paul: DUNGEON LANE IS OKAY BUT THE NEIGHBORHOOD I CAME FROM

WAS ROUGH.

THIS WAS THE PLACE TO ESCAPE.

>> Stephen: FROM THE DICEY NEIGHBORHOOD?

>> Paul: IT WAS OKAY.

IT WAS ALL WE KNEW AND WE LOVED IT.

>> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE FOR CALLING YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD DICEY.

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE LIKE THE POPE DID.

>> Paul: [LAUGHS] THE POPE?

>> Paul: NO.

>> Stephen: I HAVE.

[LAUGHTER] YOU'RE PAUL McCARTNEY BUT I'VE MET THE POPE.

I JUST WANT TO GET THAT OUT THERE.

WHO WERE THE BOYS OF DUNGEON LANE?

>> Paul: YOU KNOW BASICALLY IT'S KIND OF ALL THE GUYS I KNEW

THEN.

IN MY MIND, THERE WERE A COUPLE.

AS I SAY USED TO GO DOWN THERE.

I HAVE A LITTLE BIRD BOOK.

YEAH.

I USED TO BE AN ORNITHOLOGIST.

>> Stephen: WITH BINOCULARS AND STUFF?

>> Paul: A BOOK, NO BINOCULARS >> Paul: A BOOK, NO BINOCUL

BINOCULARS.

>> Stephen: I THOUGHT YOU MEANT LIKE A BIRD, LIKE A PRETTY GIRL.

>> Paul: NO.

>> Stephen: YOU NEVER HAD A BOOK OF THOSE?

>> Paul: WELL, I DID, BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

ANYWAY, USED TO GO DOWN THAT KIND OF AS AN ESCAPE FROM WHERE

I LIVED.

IT WAS GREAT FUN UNTIL ONE DAY THE BOYS, A COUPLE BIG STRAPPING

GUYS, UGLY LOOKING GUYS, DECIDED TO MUG ME.

>> Stephen: REALLY? HOW OLD WERE YOU?

>> Paul: I WAS LITTLE AND SCRAWNY AND THEY WERE BIG.

THEY WANTED MY WATCH.

>> Stephen: DID THEY GET IT?

>> Paul: YEAH.

WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO?

HOWEVER, I REPORTED THEM TO THE COPS AND THEY GOT DONE AND I GOT

MY WATCH BACK.

>> Stephen: WOW.

THAT DIDN'T CAUSE YOU ANY TROUBLE WITH THE BOYS LIKE THE

NEXT TIME THEY SAW YOU, THEY DIDN'T SAY HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE

THEY DROPPED THE DIME ON US?

>> Paul: NO, THEY WERE IN JAIL.

>> Stephen: THEY WENT TO JAIL FOR STEALING YOUR WATCH?

THERE'S BEAUTIFUL PHOTOGRAPHS ON THE INSIDE.

THESE ARE THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE BEATLES RIGHT THERE.

THERE YOU GO.

LOOK AT THAT.

DID JOHN AND GEORGE AND THOSE GUYS GO DOWN TO DUNGEON LANE

WITH YOU?

>> Paul: GEORGE BOYD.

HE WAS FROM THAT AREA.

THAT'S WHERE I MET GEORGE.

>> Stephen: GEORGE WOOD.

HE WAS FROM THAT AREA.

THAT'S WHERE I MET GEORGE.

>> Stephen: IN THE SONG "DAYS WE LEFT BEHIND" YOUTH SAYING

NOTHING STAYS THE SAME, NO ONE NEEDS TO CRY.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT CHANGE LATELY.

ARE YOU GOOD WITH CHANGE?

>> Paul: NO.

I LIKE THINGS TO STAY THE SAME BECAUSE I LEARNED HOW TO DO THEM

AND THEN SOMEBODY CHANGES THAT.

LIKE iPHONE.

I KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

UPDATE?

I DON'T WANT TO UPDATE.

I BOUGHT YOU.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO CHANGE.

BUT IT CHANGES.

>> Stephen: IT DOES HAPPEN A LOT.

NOTHING TO BE DONE ABOUT IT.

>> Paul: AND I HATE COOKIES.

>> Stephen: YOU MEAN THE THINGS -- >> Paul: I LIKE THOSE.

>> Stephen: YOU MEAN THE COOKIES THAT ATTACH ON THE FILES ON YOUR

PHONE?

>> Paul: NO, YOU DON'T.

I BOUGHT YOU.

>> Stephen: I KNOW YOU HAVEN'T MET THE POPE BUT I BET YOU COULD

CALL TIM COOK AND SAY DON'T CHANGE MY PHONE.

>> Paul: I DID MEET HIM AND I TOLD HIM OFF ABOUT IT.

>> Stephen: NOT THE POPE.

TIM COOK.

>> Paul: HE LEFT APPLE.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DROVE HIM AWAY?

SCARED OF PAUL McCARTNEY.

THIS IS OUR LAST SHOW TONIGHT.

I HAVE A LOT OF RITUALS I DO BEFORE THE SHOW BEGINS, CERTAIN

THINGS I HAVE TO GET DONE, I'M A LITTLE SUPERSTITIOUS.

IT FEELS RIGHT.

I DON'T LIKE THINGS TO CHANGE.

I DON'T HAVE A RITUAL FOR ENDING A SHOW.

DO YOU HAVE ANY RITUALS FOR WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH A SHOW?

>> Paul: YEAH.

WE NORMALLY SORT OF GET ON A BUS AND DO WHAT WE CALL A RUNNER.

I HAVE A CHEESE AND PICKLE SANDWICH.

>> Stephen: CHEESE AND PICKLE SANDWICH?

ROCK 'N' ROLL! WILD.

>> Paul: I KNOW, IT'S VERY FAR OUT.

A COMPANY WITH A MARGARITA.

>> Stephen: THAT HELPS.

WHAT'S THE EARLIEST SONG PAUL McCARTNEY CAN REMEMBER?

>> Paul: MY DAD USED TO PLAY PIANO IN THE HOUSE SO I WOULD

LIE AROUND ON THE CARPET PROBABLY THE EARLIEST ONE WOULD

BE "CHICAGO."

♪ CHICAGO, CHICAGO >> Paul: I LIKE THAT.

HE WAS THE FAMILY PIANIST.

"BEAUTIFUL DREAMER" THAT GOES BACK.

THAT COULD BE A CONTENDER.

>> Stephen: DO PEOPLE MISINTERPRET YOUR SONGS TO YOU?

>> Paul: YES.

I KIND OF LIKE IT, THOUGH.

>> Stephen: WHEN THEY GET IT WRONG?

>> Paul: YOU WRITE IT, THERE IT IS, THAT'S THE SONG.

"STRAWBERRY FIELDS," THE BEGINNING IT SAYS "LIVING IS

EASY WITH EYES CLOSED."

>> Stephen: MISUNDERSTANDING ALL YOU SEE.

>> Paul: BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK IT'S "LIVING IS EASY WITH NICE

CLOTHES." IT'S BETTER.

[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: MISUNDERSTANDING SALTY SEA.

YOU KNOW ABOUT THE UPCOMING 4-PART SALMON AND A SERIES, EACH

ONE FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF A DIFFERENT BEETLE.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE, PAUL MESCAL IS GOING TO PLAY PAUL

McCARTNEY. WHO IS CUTER?

YOUNG PAUL McCARTNEY OR PAUL MESCAL?

>> Paul: ME.

>> Stephen: YOU ARE THE CUTE ONE.

YOU ARE THE CUTE ONE.

>> Paul: HE'S VERY CUTE.

>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE PAUL McCARTNEY, EVERYBODY.

STICK AROUND.

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME BACK.

I'M HERE AS YOU CAN SEE WITH PAUL McCARTNEY.

PAUL, DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK YOU WERE TELLING ME THIS

STORY I HOPE YOU'D SHARE WITH THE AUDIENCE.

TELL ME IF I GOT ANY OF THIS WRONG.

THERE WAS A POINT AT WHICH YOU AND RINGO GOT INTO A SLAP FIGHT

-- [CRACKLING] TOM, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: THIS IS NOT THE NIGHT FOR TECHNICAL

DIFFICULTIES.

I TELL YOU WHAT.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS.

WE'RE GOING TO TAKE ANOTHER QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK AND WE'RE

GOING TO FIND THAT AND FIX IT, RIGHT, TOM?

I'M SORRY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE PAUL McCARTNEY, EVERYBODY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT THAT IT'S HAPPENING

BUT OLIVIA, IF YOU CAN HELP, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK AS SOON AS WE

FIGURE THIS OUT, PAUL.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

LOUIS!

♪

WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS THIS?

NOT MY APPLE WATCH!

NOW I'LL NEVER KNOW IF IT'S TIME TO STAND UP.

WHAT IS THIS?

>> STEPHEN, MAYBE I CAN HELP EXPLAIN.

>> Stephen: FAMED ASTROPHYSICIST AND ACTUAL FRIEND OF MINE, NEIL

deGRASSE TYSON.

THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

>> NO, THINK SCIENCE I'M HERE.

>> Stephen: IT'S JUST SOMETHING YOU SAY.

WHAT IS IT?

>> LOOKS LIKE A TEXTBOOK CASE OF AN EINSTEIN ROSEN BRIDGE, AND

WORMHOLE.

IT'S GRADUALLY SWALLOWING UP ALL MAN MAMATTER AND ANTIMATTER.

>> Stephen: THAT SUCKS.

>> IT'S HUGE PROBLEM.

THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE IS IMMUTABLE.

TWO CONTRADICTORY REALITIES CANNOT COEXIST WITHOUT RUPTURING

THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM.

>> Stephen: MY QUAD?

>> Neil: FOR INSTANCE IF THE SHOW IS NUMBER ONE ON LATE NIGHT

AND IT ALSO GETS CANCELED.

>> Stephen: THEY CANCELED "GUTFELD!"

>> Neil: YOUR SHOW.

IT'S CAUSED A RIFT.

IF IT GROWS, ALL LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION CAN BE DESTROYED.

>> Stephen: THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

>> Neil: YEAH, IT KIND OF IS UNBELIEVABLY BECAUSE IN REALITY

A WORMHOLE DOESN'T SUCK.

IT'S JUST A PORTAL THAT YOU STEP THROUGH.

WHERE DID YOU GET GREEN?

WATCHING TOO MUCH RICK AND MORTY?

>> Stephen: OWN WILL, NO, IT SWALLOWED NEIL deGRASSE TYSON

BEFORE HE COULD EXTEND HOW WE WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING.

DAMN IT.

THEY KEEP CAN'T BE HAPPENING.

IF ONLY I HAD A WISE MENTOR FIGURE I COULD TALK TO.

JON STEWART!

OH, DO YOU KNOW OF ANY WISE MENTOR FINGERS I COULD TALK TO?

>> Jon: NO.

I'M HERE ON BEHALF OF PARAMOUNT THROUGH THEY WANTED ME TO READ

THE STATEMENT.

I HAVE TO DO WHAT THEY SAY.

I'M NOT THE ONE WHO GOT CANCELED FOR STEALING PRINTER CARTRIDGES.

>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT WHY I WAS CANCELED!

>> Jon: QUOTE.

PARAMOUNT STRONGLY BELIEVES IN COVERING BOTH SIDES OF ANY BLACK

HOLE SWALLOWING EVERYTHING WE NOW AND LOVE IN THE COVERAGE

MUST INCLUDE THE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF THE INSATIABLE

EMPTINESS.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S FAIR.

I DIDN'T THINK MY SHOW WOULD END LIKE THIS BUT STILL, GRATEFUL.

>> Jon: I'M GOING TO BE REAL WITH YOU.

I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

>> Stephen: OF COURSE, JON.

LET ME FIRST TAKE A SIP OF WATE LET ME FIRST TAKE A SIP OF WAT

WATER.

>> Jon: DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE IN A LITTLE BIT OF DENIAL?

>> Stephen: NO!

YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID WET FACE!

I'M NOT IN DENIAL, WHAT DENIAL!

>> Jon: THIS WHOLE ISN'T A HOLE, IT'S A METAPHOR.

>> HEY, GUYS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> Jon: OKAY, IT'S A LITERAL HOLE.

THE WHOLE IS HERE.

YOU CAN'T IGNORE IT.

THE ONLY CHOICE YOU HAVE NOW IS HOW YOU CHOOSE TO WALK THROUGH

IT.

YOU CAN GO KICKING AND SCREAMING.

>> Stephen: THAT ONE.

>> Jon: OR YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU'VE DONE FOR THE PAST 30

YEARS WHEN FACED WITH SOMETHING DARK.

YOU STARE IT DOWN AND YOU CAN LAUGH.

>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, JON I CAN'T FIND ANY JOKES TO SAY

ABOUT MY GIANT GAPING HOLE.

>> Jon: NOTHING?

SORRY I COULDN'T BE MORE HELPFUL.

I'VE GOT TO GET MY 72 HOURS OF BEAUTY SLEEP FOR MY SHOW ON

MONDAY.

>> Stephen: THANKS, JON.

BEFORE YOU GO, I HAVE SOMETHING I NEED TO SAY JUST IN CASE THIS

IS THE LAST TIME WE EVER SPEAK.

>> Jon: SAY IT.

BUT FIRST LET ME GRAB A QUICK SIP OF WATER.

>> Stephen: JON.

I LOVE YOU.

>> Jon: [???] I LOVE YOU TOO.

>> Stephen: HOW MY GOING TO FINISH MY SHOW NOW?

>> MAYBE WE CAN HELP!

>> Stephen: STRIKE FORCE FIVE?

[THUNDERCLAP] >> OH, COME ON.

>> Stephen: JIMMY, SETH! JOHN!

HANDSOME JIMMY!

>> WITHOUT YOU WHERE WILL AMERICANS TURN TO SEE A

MIDDLE-AGED WHITE MEN MAKE JOKES ABOUT THE NEWS?

>> THE NEWS?

WHY?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> Stephen: BUT WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS BEING PULLED IN TOO?

>> ACTUALLY, ONE OF THESE HOLES OPENED AT MY SHOW LAST YEAR, BUT

IT WENT AWAY AFTER ABOUT THREE DAYS.

>> Stephen: IS THAT WHAT'S GONN HAPPEN TO ME?

>> SHHHHHH.

>> AT SOME POINT, THIS MAY COME FOR ALL OF OUR SHOWS.

BUT STEPHEN, WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER IS TONIGHT IT IS GONNA

EAT YOU.

>> Stephen: FELLAS, I'M SCARED!

>> THAT'S OKAY.

JUST DO WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE SCARED.

>> Stephen: I CAN'T.

I DIDN'T BRING ANOTHER PAIR OF PANTS.

>> DIDN'T YOU STOP DOING YOUR SHOW AFTER THE 2016 ELECTION?

>> Stephen: NO.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, AND DID YOU STOP DOING YOUR SHOW DURING

COVID?

>> Stephen: NO I DIDN'T.

>> AND DID YOU STOP DOING YOUR SHOW WHEN NO ONE COULD TEL IF

THAT DRESS WAS BLUE AND BLAC OR WHITE AND GOLD?

>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?

IT'S CLEARLY WHITE AND GOLD.

>> OBJECTIVELY WRONG.

NOT A DASH OF WHITE OR GOLD.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

CAN >> I HEARD YANNY.

>> Stephen: GUYS!

I THINK I GET IT NOW.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE END.

AND I WISH IT WASN'T, BUT THAT'S NOT FOR ME TO DECIDE "ALL WE

HAVE TO DECIDE IS WHAT TO DO WITH THE TIME THAT IS GIVEN US."

SO YOU WAIT YOUR TURN, HOLE!

>> YEAH.

GET OUT OF HERE, HOLE!

FOR THE NEXT 12 MINUTES, COLBERT IS THE ONLY ONE IN THIS THEATER

WHO'S GONNA SUCK!

>> Stephen: THANKS, NOT-HANDSOME JIMMY.

NOW IF YOU GENTLEMEN WILL EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT A SHOW TO GET BACK

TO...

AND I'M GOING TO FINISH IT THE WAY I WANT!

>> WAIT, WITH WHAT?

NOT MORE LORD OF THE RINGS [BLEEP]?

>> YOU MADE ELIJAH SAD!

>> WELL, OUR WORK HERE IS DONE.

STRIKE FORCE, TELEPORT!

>> YOU'LL PUT IN SOME COOL VANISHING EFFECT IN POST, RIGHT

>> Stephen: WE DEFINITELY WILL.

DEFINITELY.

DEFINITELY PUT IT IN.

WHERE DID THEY GO?

OKAY, COLE-BERT, LET'S GET BACK OUT THERE...

[APPLAUSE] SORRY ABOUT THAT.

WE FOUND OUT WHERE THE PROBLEM WAS.

THERE WAS A RACCOON BACKSTAGE.

IT HAD GNAWED THROUGH SOME ELECTRICAL CABLES.

IT'S AN OLD BUILDING.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY.

AND McCARTNEY IS GONE.

CAN WE FIND PAUL McCARTNEY AND GET HIM BACK OUT HERE?

IN THE MEANTIME, LET'S DO SOME MORE JOKES.

WHAT HAVE WE GOT?

KNOCK KNOCK.

>> WHAT'S HAPPENING!

>> YEAH, MONGO DONGO.

>> Stephen: LOUIS!

>> Louis: STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

>> Louis: YOU CAN GO TO COMMERCIAL!

[SCREAMING] >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

>> Stephen: HELLO?

>> GOODBYE.

♪ EVERYBODY'S TALKING LIKE THEY CAN'T SIT DOWN AND LOOKING LIKE

THEY CAN'T STAND UP ♪ MUST BE THE LITTLE STYLE, SEEN A LOT OF

THINGS THAT YOU NEVER SEE ♪ SOME PEOPLE CAN'T KEEP THEIR

FINGERS CLEAN JUST CLICKING THEIR HEELS TO THE BEAT OF THE

SCENE ♪ THE FIRST EDITION OF LAST NIGHT'S ♪ JUMP UP, HOLD

ON TIGHT ♪ CAN'T TRUST A PROMISE OR GUARANTEE ♪ BECAUSE

THE MAN SAYS HE'S NEVER HEARD OF YOU OR ME ♪ NO TOMBSTONE WOULD

EVER SURPRISE ME WHEN I'M LOCKED IN A ROOM ABOUT HALF THE SIZE OF

A MATCHBOX ♪ HOLES IN MY SOCKS ♪ THEY MATCH THE ONES ON MY

FEET ♪ PUT MY FEET IN THE ♪ I WAS A STATUE STANDING ON THE

CORNER ♪ TELL ME HOW ELSE CAN A BOY GET TO SEE THOSE PRETTY

PLEASE ♪

CANDIDATE TALKING ON THE RADIO ♪ ♪ MUST BE THE LATEST FULL ♪

BECAUSE IT'S A 2-HORSE RACE AND HE CHANGED HIS BEDS LIKE IT WAS

ANOTHER BRAND OF CIGARETTES WAS ANOTHER BRAND OF CIGARET

CIGARETTES ♪ SOME PEOPLE JUDGE AND THEY JUST GUESS THE REST ♪

THEY CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT, DON'T MEAN THAT YOU'RE BLESSED ♪

THEY OUGHT TO CATCH THE EXPRESS ♪ NEXT STOP NOWHERE ♪ THAT

WAY YOU CAN FORGET ♪ JUMP UP ♪ ♪ HOLD ON TIGHT ♪ CAN TRUST

THE PROMISE OR GUARANTEE ♪ 'CAUSE THE MAN AROUND THE CURVE

SAYS THAT HE'S NEVER HEARD OF YOU ARE ME ♪ >> Stephen: GOOD

NIGHT.

[CRACKLING] ♪ YOU SAY, "YES", I SAY, "NO" ♪ YOU SAY, "STOP"

AND I SAY, "GO, GO, GO" ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪ YOU SAY, "GOODBYE"

AND I SAY, "HELLO, HELLO, HELLO" ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY

"GOODBYE" I SAY, "HELLO" HELLO, HELLO ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU

SAY "GOODBYE", I SAY, "HELLO" ♪ ♪ I SAY, "HIGH", YOU SAY "LOW"

♪ YOU SAY "WHY?"

♪ AND I SAY "I DON'T KNOW" ♪ OH, NO ♪ YOU SAY, "GOODBYE"

AND I SAY, "HELLO" HELLO, HELLO ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY

"GOODBYE", I SAY, "HELLO, HELLO, HELLO" ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU

SAY "GOODBYE", I SAY "HELLO" ♪ ♪ WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY

DO YOU SAY, "GOODBYE, GOODBYE, BYE, BYE, BYE, BYE"?

♪ OH, NO ♪ YOU SAY, "GOODBYE" AND I SAY, "HELLO,

HELLO, HELLO" ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY "GOODBYE" I SAY,

"HELLO, HELLO, HELLO" ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY "GOODBYE"

I SAY "HELLO" ♪ YOU SAY, "YES" I SAY "NO" ♪ YOU SAY, "STOP"

BUT I SAY, "GO, GO, GO" ♪ WHOA NO ♪ YOU SAY, "GOODBYE" AND I

SAY "HELLO, HELLO, HELLO" ♪ HELLO, GOODBYE ♪ I DON'T KNOW

WHY YOU SAY, "GOODBYE", I SAY, "HELLO, HELLO HELLO" ♪ HELLO,

GOODBYE, HELLO GOODBYE ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY, "GOODBYE", I

SAY, "HELLO, HELLO HELLO" ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY

"GOODBYE", I SAY, ♪ HELLO-OOH ♪ HEY LA, HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA,

HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA, HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA, HEY, HELLO ♪

HEY LA, HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY,

HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪

HEY LA ♪ 'S HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪

HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪ [MUFFLED] HEY LA ♪

HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO

♪ HEY LA ♪ HEY, HELLO ♪ [WHIRRING] ♪ [TINKLING MUSIC]

COME ON, BENNY. LET'S GO.