All language subtitles for Leave.It.To.Beaver.1997.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

MAN: Hello, Beaver! Hi, Wally!

LITTLE GIRL: Mommy,
there's Bert, the pie man!

WOMAN: Morning, Bert!

Hello, Mrs. Brown!
How are you?

Great day, isn't it? Yep.

Have a good day, dear.

You, too, honey.

I'll get you for this,
Beaver Cleaver!

Morning, Bert!
Morning, Bert!

Morning, boys!
Great day, isn't it?

Sorry, mister.

That was the first one
I missed all day.

Huh!

Hey, Wally, stop, stop!
Please!

There it is.
That's the most
beautiful thing I ever seen.

EDDIE: Well, golly, gee!
It's Wally and the Beaver
at the bike shop.

What do you want,
Eddie Haskell?

The usual. See how fast
I can make you cry.

Hey, knock it off, Eddie.

Why you always
giving Beaver the business?

Well, basically because
it's so easy.

Wally, I want that bike
more than anything
I ever wanted,

even superpowers.

Don't go cry to Wally.

You want advice
on how to get a bike?
Ask the Master.

How will I know
when I see "the Master"?

Because he's wearing
what I'm wearing.

Now, let's chat, squirt.
Have a seat in my office.

Now, you want a bike,
but you're a screwup.

Eddie.

Isn't this the same kid
who lost his Nikes,

broke his Walkman
and almost
burned down the garage?

The garage wasn't
Beaver's fault.

You got a birthday coming up.

As any normal kid knows,
the way to
score a cool present

is to suck up
to your parents.

Suck up?

You know, it's so
second nature to me,
I forget others find it hard.

Yes, suck up.

Do something that'll
make your old man proud.

He's a frustrated jock.

Why not do something like
play football?

Football?
He'll get demolished.

And as appealing
as that may sound, Wallace,
it doesn't matter.

The minute you get that bike,
wham! You quit the team.

But I don't do junk like that,
Eddie. You do.

You flatter me.
Do you want that bike
or don't you?

Hey, Dad! Dad!

Oh.
Beaver, wait!

Aren't you gonna even say hi?
Hi. When's Dad coming home?

He should be home
any minute now.

Maybe I'll just wait
for him outside.

Beaver?
Is there something
I can help you with?

Oh, no, Mom.
I'm not supposed to be
sucking up to you.

BOY: Here you go.

Dad! Dad! Dad!
Hey, Beaver!

Here, Dad, let me help you
with your junk.

Did you do something wrong,
Beaver?

Gee, Dad, how come whenever
I act nice, people think
I done something wrong?

Just conditioning, Beav.

Sure you don't want
a hand with those?

Oh, no, Dad.
I want your hands free to
sign my permission slip

so I can play for
the Mayfield Mighty Mites.

You wanna play football.

Yeah!

Go, Beaver! Pick it up!

Go! Go! Go!

Yeah!

JUNE: Beaver?
Play football?

You didn't tell him he could,
did you, Ward?

Of course not.

I told him I had to
check with you first.

Oh! And make me the bad guy.

Do you want a repeat
of T

I mean have you forgotten
about the Beaver...

Who's winning now, Wally?

I don't know, Beav.

They're already talking about
stuff in the past that they're
still ticked off about.

Look me in the eyes,

and tell me you're doing this
because it's in your son's
best interest

and not to fulfill some
lingering adolescent fantasy
of yours.

What? Dear,
when I was playing sandlot,
it really changed my life.

WARD: I know what you're
thinking, but Beaver's not
too small to play football.

Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut!

ALL: Mayfield!

Beav, other way! Other way!
Mayfield!

ALL: One, two, three, four!

Your mommies, your daddies

think this isn't about
winning or losing!

ALL: One, two, three, six!
One two, three, seven!

One, two, three, eight!
One, two, three, nine!

GORDON: They think it's about
building character,
don't they, Cleaver?

We're gonna go over
to this play here.

We're gonna have
this guard pull out here.
This guy pulls out here.

The quarterback drops back.
We have an option.

He goes deep,
and we go to him.

Looks the same...
Different look.

GORDON:
This play is different.

You see?

It's all relative.

You understand?

The quarterback sneaks back.

We are here to do two things

and two things only.

That is to win and to win big!

ALL: Yeah!
Yeah!

ALL: Break!

ALL: Break!

Come on, Beaver!
Go get them!

Down! Set!

You're lunchmeat!

You're mine!

Go!

Put it up, Cleaver!
Put it up!

There's gotta be an easier way
to get a bike.

Yeah, well,
what'd you expect, Beav?

There is a reason
football players
wear more equipment

than guys who train
attack dogs.

WARD: Bedtime, boys.

Well, Beaver,
decided where you're gonna
put that Heisman trophy?

You mean I don't have to wait
till the end of the season
to get a trophy?

He's just joking
on you, Beav.

You don't get
the Heisman trophy
till college.

Well,
after watching you today,
I wouldn't rule it out.

You took some licks,
but you didn't quit.

Your mom and I just
want you to know
how proud we are of you.

I just wanted to
let you know that

I've decided to become
a doctor when I grow up.

Oh, boy,
wait till I tell your mom.

You know, I always said,
"Football is
a real confidence builder."

Back when I was playing
sandlot I found that
I learned the great many...

Yeah, well,
you've heard this before.

Where did we leave off?

Here we are.

"Now, Dottie the Dinosaur
had never seen
a human being before.

"Such a tiny creature
who only walks on two legs
and eats berries."

But, Dad...

"'Couldn't be much of
a hunter,' said Dottie."

Dad!

If a guy's old enough
to play football,

then don't you think
maybe he's too old to
have his dad read to him?

Well, maybe you have
a point there, Beav.

You read it yourself,
but don't stay up too late.

Thanks, Dad.

Well, goodnight, Beav.

Dad, if a guy's
too old to be read to,

then he's probably too old
to get kissed goodnight to.

Goodnight, Dad.

Goodnight.

I think he took that
pretty well.
BEAVER: Yeah.

But I was worried,
'cause for a minute

he had that same sort of
blubbery look he had

when the lights came on
at the end of The Lion King.

JUNE: Okay, everybody,
gather around.
It's time for cake.

Come on!
WARD: Let's go, boys!

Is everybody ready?

I'm low on battery.

(ALL SINGING
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU)

Make a wish, Beaver.
Big wish, Beav.

Make a wish.

ALL: Yay!

Way to go, Beav!

EDDIE: Hey, Lumpy,
quit stuffing your face
and pay attention.

I've put together a little
photographic compilation
of my future soul mate.

And here's Karen
taking her dog for a walk.

And here she is
at the store with her mom.

Oh! That's my favorite
outfit of hers.

You know, Eddie,
you might want to
back off a little bit, huh?

Hey! What are you
talking about?
I'm doing great.

A week ago
we were total strangers.

Last night
I was in her bedroom.

Yeah, you were in her bedroom,
all right.

But Karen and her family
were at the movies.

Can't you ever just be
happy for me?

Mom, Dad, can we
open the presents now? Please,
please, please, please.

June,
you really should monitor
the boy's sugar intake.

Here we are.
This one is from Gilbert.

EDDIE: Oh, come on,
Mrs. Cleaver.

GILBERT:
Don't blame me, Beav.
It's a recycle.

I wouldn't wear it
when I got it, so
my mom's giving it to you.

Well, that's a lovely gesture,
Gilbert.

Well, I guess that's it.

JUNE: No, Beaver.
There's more.

Really?

Wheel it out, Ward!

ALL: Whoa!

Wow! A computer.

From your Aunt Martha.
Thanks.

Nothing I like more
than an educational gift.

Well, Beav, what more
could a boy ask for?

Yeah.

I guess that's about all
a guy could ask for, huh?

I'm glad
you feel that way, son,

but your mom and I
wanted to get you
a little something else.

Wally!

BOYS: Whoa!

Whoa!

Thanks, Mom! Thanks, Dad!
You're the bestest parents
in the whole universe!

Whoa! Awesome!

Whoa!

Bye, Dad. Bye, Mom.

Here you go.

Bye.

Bye, Mom.
Goodbye.

See you, Dad.
Oh, Wally,
could you do us a favor?

Oh, sure, Dad.

I'll do my homework every day
without you guys
having to crawl up my...

That's great, Wally,
but we weren't
really going there.

Beaver's never ridden his bike
to school before.

We were hoping
you could go with him
the first few days.

WARD: Show him the ropes.

Oh! I get you.

You just don't want some
truck turning the Beaver
into roadkill.

Something like that. Yeah.

See you, Wal.
Okay, Dad.

Well, there they go.

L-A-N-D-E-R-S.

I play tennis.
I like to travel.

And I enjoy curling up
in front of the fire with
a big pile of book reports.

Yes?

Excuse me, Miss Landers.

But how many "N's"
are there in tennis?

LANDERS: Two.

But you don't need to
take notes. You aren't
going to be tested on this.

I'd rather be safe than sorry.

LANDERS:
Then you go right ahead.

Now, why don't you tell me
about your summer vacations?

Susan Akatsu.

Hi, Miss Landers.

This summer we went to
Mount Rushmore, and then
my grandmother died,

but not at Mount Rushmore.

Oh, Susan,
I'm very sorry to hear that.
Yeah!

Everyone was sad,
except my dad,

'cause she always said
he never made enough money.

Thank you, Susan.

Gilbert Bates.

Yo, I'm Gilbert.

This summer, my parents
shipped me off to camp.

I caught impetigo,
and when I got back,
my dad had moved out.

Only, since then,
he moved back.

But he's still sleeping
in my room, and I'm
sleeping on the couch.

Thank you, Gilbert,
for being so candid.

Oh! And while I was away,
my cat got runned over.

Theodore Cleaver.

Isn't that your name?

Yeah, but everyone calls me
Beaver on account of
it's my nickname.

But you can call me
whatever you want,

'cause I don't wanna
get you mad and have you
give me a bad grade.

Well, if it's okay with you,
I'll just call you Theodore.

This summer,
I got an awesome bike.

My brother snuck me
into an R-rated movie.

And I'm playing football,
so I gotta wear a cup.

Thank you, Theodore.

Oh, and nobody
in my family died.

Hey, Wally!
Hey, guys!

Wallace, how fortuitous.

What do you want, Eddie?

Karen is in there
with a litter of her friends.

So

I thought you'd want to be
a witness to history.

What's he talking about,
Wally?

It means he's too chicken
to try and scam on her
by himself.

Hey, Lumpy, ain't you late
for your shrink appointment?

You promised
you weren't gonna
tell anyone!

And you trusted me.
Big mistake.

Come on, Wally, a little help?
You're my best friend, right?

That's what
you keep telling me.

What a sport.

EDDIE: Hey, can't you read?
No dogs allowed.

Come on, Eddie.
I'm supposed to be
watching him.

This is for
mature audiences only.

Tie him up to a lamppost,
and we'll bring him
a bowl of kibble.

Just wait here.
This won't take long.

Man, I wish
I were that straw.

Oh, my God!

Look, I'll do
all the talking.

You just stand there
and laugh and shake
your head, like,

"Where the heck does he
come up with this stuff?"

Take another step,
and I'll file
a restraining order.

Easy. We come in peace.

Hey. Aren't you Wally Cleaver?

Yeah.

And I guess
you already know
my friend Eddie?

We've never formally met.

Well, we just came to say hi.

See you.

You don't have to leave yet.

Don't you wanna sit down?

Really?

PUNK: Choice wheels.

Thanks. I got it
by lying to my dad.

You riding BMX, man?

Oh, no. I'm only allowed
on the sidewalk.

Oh, a flatlander.

Let me do some wheeling, huh?

You wanna ride it?

Hey, thanks, dude!

Cool!

Where did you learn
all that stuff?

It's a feel thing.
You know,
I got a few more tricks.

Really? Cool!
Can you show me?

Yeah, sure.

I got one you'll never forget.

Hey!
Don't worry!

I just need to
whip up a little torque.

BEAVER: Awesome, dude!

Hasta la vista, baby.

Hey!

Hey!

Come back here!

Hey!

So, did you feel
the electricity between us?

You didn't
say a word in there.

Exactly!

A few sorrowful looks,
some well-placed grunts,

just like my man,
Brad Pitt.

Come on, Beav.
Let's go home.

I can't.

How come?
Well...

See, this cool guy came up

and wanted to show me
these cool bike tricks,

and I let him ride my bike.

And he did these
cool bike tricks.
I thought it was pretty cool.

So he wanted to show me
another trick,
and I let him ride it.

Then he rode away and away
and never came back!

You got your
new bike jacked?

Beav, how could you
let that happen?

I guess it's 'cause
he stole it
a little bit at a time.

Oh, man.

WARD: Thanks again
for the ride, Fred.

Don't worry.
I won't let you forget it.

Well?

I don't know.

His hair looks kind of
messed up, like he's been
yelled at all day.

You know, Beav,
you may have
lucked out, after all.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

WALLY: It's good, Mom.

It's just delicious.
Yeah, I cooked dinner.

Wally, would you
pass the meat, please?

Sure, Dad.

June, you've outdone yourself.
This meat is outstanding.

It's great, Mom.

WALLY: Here you go.
JUNE: Did you get some bread?

WALLY: Oh, thanks.

Beaver,
why are you eating so fast?

So I can be excused.

Don't be in such a hurry.

Tell us everything
you did today.

Everything?

Yes, tell us about
your first day of school.

Oh, yeah, school.

I rode my bike there.
My teacher's name
is Miss Landers.

She was real nice, but they
always are on the first day
so you don't freak.

Then the bell rang,
and I got on my bike
and left and...

Now I'm talking to you.

May I be excused?

What about after school?

After school?

What did we do
after school, Wally?

Well, I picked him up
on his bike,
just like you told me to.

And then we just did stuff.

Yeah, Dad, we did stuff.

Well, what kind of stuff?

Well... Hey, Mom,
can I have some broccoli?

Are you sure that's all
that happened today?

Oh, yeah, sure. Right, Beav?

Boys, there's something
bothering you, isn't there?

No, Dad. Why do you say that?

Well, for one thing,
you hate broccoli.

All right, I'm going to
ask you again. This time
I want an honest answer.

Did something happen
that you don't want us
to know about?

Yes.

Well

You do know
I'm on the football team,

and I'm going to be a doctor,
maybe even in Africa.

Beaver.

My bike got stoled.

Stole? Beaver,
how could this happen?

You've only had that bike
for five days!

Actually, it's only been four.

Dad, I'm sorry! Honest!

Well, "sorry" isn't gonna
bring back your bicycle,
is it?

Or your Ken Griffey
Junior rookie card.

Or your Game Boy.

I'm not even gonna
mention the garage.

Ward, the garage
was not Beaver's fault.

All right, fine.
You're right, dear.

What bothers me is that
you have no respect
for your personal possessions.

Do you?
No, sir.

How can you say that?

I thought that's what
you wanted me to say.

Ward.

This is another example of
what happens when
you're not paying attention.

Isn't that right, Wally?

But, Dad,
I didn't do anything.

Exactly. Weren't you
supposed to be looking after
your brother today?

Yeah.

Well, where were you
when all this happened?

Inside the soda shop
having a shake with Eddie.

Oh! Fine! Fine!

We looked everywhere
for it, Dad.

We really expected
a lot more from you, Wally.

Boy, parents are weird, huh?

I mess up, and they get
even madder at you.

Hey.

What did you shove me for?

I'm sick of always
baby-sitting you.

I'm sick of you
following me around.

"Hey, Wally, can I come?
Hey, Wally, can I play, too?
Can I, Wally?

"Wally, please, Wally..."
Shut up!

Make me, fart breath!

That's it. I'm telling.

No! You're not
telling nothing!

BEAVER: Mom!
You know what bothers me?

When something like this
happens, why do they feel
they have to cover it up?

Maybe they were afraid
you'd fly off the handle

without giving them
a chance to explain.

You didn't disappoint them,
did you?

When I was growing up,
I said I'd never holler
at my kids

like my dad did,
and I did it again, didn't I?

Why is it all men
are more concerned about

their relationships
with their fathers

than they are
their own children?

You know,
my father was like that, too.

I got it.

Whoa!

Don't let go, Beav.
Don't let go.

JUNE: I still think
you overreacted.

Well, maybe you're right,
dear.

You know,

I ought to go right up there
and apologize for losing it.

That would be nice.

WARD: I just don't want them
to get off the hook so easily.

Is it too much to ask
for them to accept a little
responsibility for themselves?

For what that bike cost,
they can sweat it out
a little longer.

Come on, Beav.

Thanks. Oops!

Oh, no!

You know, June, maybe I
should give those boys
a little more credit.

Mmm-hmm.

That was close.

Just because you saved my life
doesn't mean I forgot
you called me "fart breath."

Boys!

Good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver.
I took the liberty
of bringing you your mail.

Well, thank you, Eddie.

But, you know,
the boys are grounded
so you can't come in.

Do I detect a new fragrance?

Would that be patchouli oil?

Thank you for noticing.

You know, Mrs. Cleaver,
and I say this
with all due respect,

for a mom,
you're quite the babe.

Behold a prime specimen
of "teenus screw-upius."

What do you want?

You know how it is
when you're driving
on the freeway.

You see an accident.
You can't help
but look at the wreckage.

Yeah, thanks for
stopping by, Eddie.

Now, what I need you to do

is call up my petite flower
and find out
how much she digs me

without sounding like
I'm the guy
that put you up to it.

Oh, yeah?
What's in it for me?

The proud glow you'll feel
when you realize you've helped
launch a successful union.

And who knows,
maybe she has some
nice quiet friend for you.

Forget it, Eddie.

You're not gonna sucker me
into being the go-between.

Hello?
Hello?

It's me.

Wally Cleaver.

Oh, hi.

Yeah, I'm just
calling out of the blue to,

you know, say hi.

KAREN: Well, I'm glad you did.

See, I'm sort of having this
boy-girl party on Saturday,

and I wanted to invite you.

Really?
Yeah.

I wanted to ask you
at the soda shop,

but it was a little awkward
with that Eddie
standing there.

Yeah, I can understand that.

Enough with the cutesy banter.
Start talking me up.

Do you wanna do this?

No. Fine.

You know,
Eddie's not such a creep
once you get to know him.

Oh, my God!

He's standing
right next to you, isn't he?

Yeah, that's,
that's quite true.

I guess I can't invite you
without inviting him, too.

That would be terrific.

What? What...

Listen, Wally,

now that you have
my number and all,

next time you're alone,
why don't you give me a call?

It was great talking to you,
too, Karen.

Goodbye.

Something on your mind,
Beaver?

Well, kind of.

On TV it showed this guy
who used to play football,

but can't anymore
on account of he got
tackled so hard.

Come on, Beav. When I was
your age, playing peewee,
I took my lumps.

Got knocked down
and I picked myself up.

That's football.
That's a lot like life,
really.

Then I just wanna make sure
all my body parts
are working right.

What are you saying?
You wanna quit the team?

Do I? Thanks, Dad!
What a relief.

Well, you can't.

Why not?

Well,
because first it's this, then
next thing you quit school.

Then one day
you quit your job,

then your marriage
and anything else that
gives you trouble in life.

You mean, I can quit school?
Beaver.

You're not listening to me.

If you really wanna make
your dad proud,
then don't be a quitter.

Okay, Dad. I'll quit
trying to be a quitter.

Beaver.

You stick with it.
Keep playing hard.

Who knows?
One day you may be riding
a new bike around Mayfield.

ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to Centennial Field

for the opening game
of Mighty Mite football.

Thank you. Oh, boy,
you want some popcorn, huh?

Well, how are sales, June?

Good, dear.

What would you like?

ANNOUNCER: Mayfield will be
kicking off to Oak Park.

GORDON: Okay, everybody,
get ready for the kickoff.

Let's look alive, now!

Beav! Go!

GIRLS: Hey! Mayfield!
Don't take uh-uh!

ANNOUNCER: With 38 seconds
left in the game,

Mayfield has a five-point lead
and the ball.

GORDON: Okay, the rules say
I gotta play everyone.

Let's see.

Cleaver.

Yeah, Coach?

Son, I want you to run
a strong right 28 T on "Go."
Got it?

Got it.

All right, fellows!
Let's be strong out there!
And now protect that ball!

Go tell the quarterback
the play.

Oh! I get it.

Go, Beaver!

Strong right 28 T on go.
Strong right 28 T on go.

So, what's the play?

RICHARD: Well?

I'll be right back.

ANNOUNCER:
Seems to be a little confusion
at the Mayfield huddle.

Go, Beaver!

Go, Beaver!

ALL: Yeah!

Break!

GORDON: Move it, boys!
Move it now!

Down!

RICHARD: Set! Go!

Yeah!

Whoa!

Go!

Yes!

Yes!

Hey, Beaver,
throw me the ball.

No!

No! No!

What?

ANNOUNCER:
Unbelievable! Oak Park wins!

Hey, Beav,
how could you throw the ball
to an Oak Park guy?

That was George Tibbles.

At camp we were
on the same team
in Color War.

Maybe if you started crying,
people would feel sorry
for you.

Don't worry about it, Beav.
You'll get them next time.

In fact,
I'm looking forward to it.

Thanks a lot, Eddie.

I am very pleased
with the results
of the astronomy test.

Although, there's still some
confusion about Pluto.

While its planetary
classification is still
uncertain,

it is definitely not
Mickey's dog.

Rats!

Wow, Beaver,
you really pulled up
your grade.

You got a C.

I did?

Yeah, a "See me after class."

Okay. Goodbye, Judy.
Thank you, Judy. Bye-bye.

Theodore, I thought
it might be better if we had
a chance to talk in private.

I want you to understand
this is not a punishment.

Don't worry.
I know what you look like
when you get mad.

I was there the time
you caught Larry
going through your purse.

Theodore,

did you have a chance
to study for this test?

I worked real hard,
Miss Landers.
I studied till my head hurt.

I guess I just
didn't get any of it.

I'd really hate to see you
fall behind.
Yeah, me, too.

Nobody likes being the guy
who makes people listen to
the same junk over and over

that they got bored
listening to
in the first place.

I'm sure that's
a terrible feeling.

Would it help if you and I
reviewed this material
after school for a few days?

GORDON: Let's go!
What are you doing?

You mean you'd be willing to
help me after school
more than just today?

Well, if you needed to.

And if I was real dumb,
could we meet every Tuesday
and Thursday until about 4:30?

And maybe even
some Saturdays, too?

It is the mental errors
that will cause
a team to lose.

I don't wanna name
any names, but...

Go ahead and say his name
all you want, Coach.
Beaver's not here.

On account of he's
falling behind, and he's
gotta stay after school.

Oh! He will be missed.

Hi!
You're home early.

June.

You're vacuuming in pearls.
You know what that does to me.

Stick around.

Later, I'll slip into
a pair of oven mitts.

Geez! Why don't you two
get a room?

Oh!
Wally.

Oh, hi. I'm just getting home.

Beaver,
how was practice today?

About the same as always,
I guess.

Listen, I want to talk to you
about your game on Saturday.

You do?

I'm sorry I can't be there.
I have to go out of town
on business.

Oh!

I'll be there
the following Saturday
for sure.

You will?

But, Dad, you promised
you were coming
to my game that day.

I did?

Now, boys, your father
can't be two places at once.

You go ahead and see
Wally play, Dad.

He's older than I am,
so he's got a lot less games
left in him.

That's very considerate
of you, Beaver.

Yeah, I'm real 'siderate.

Remember?
That's what it said on my
second grade report card.

Come on,
my little football star.

Why don't you go upstairs
and get cleaned up for dinner?

Okay, Mom.

Hello, Mr. Haskell.

HASKELL: Hey, Wally.

Oh, I guess nobody skimped
on the after-shave.

So, your first boy-girl party.

Let me take this opportunity
to impart upon you
a little wisdom

culled from years of
experience in the field.

That's very generous of you,
Dad.

Boys, women are all
a bunch of bloodsuckers,

out to get you
any way they can.

When they finally succeed
in breaking your spirit,

they'll flush you
like a dead goldfish.

Now, you boys be on your way
and have a great time.

There was a time my brothers
didn't want me tagging around
with them.

Did it bum you out?

Not really 'cause
I'd tag along anyway.

They'd go to the drive-in
with their girlfriends.

I'd sit in the backseat.

Ward.
Shh.

Ward?
Oh, yeah.

You know,
we didn't ask if Karen's party
was gonna be chaperoned.

June, please,
they're 12-year-old boys.
Come on.

Underneath all that
preening and strutting,

they live in wide-eyed fear
of the opposite sex.

Mmm-hmm.

No.

I'll be waiting
in the laundry room

while you two
budding beauties fight it out.

So, Tammy, you won, huh?

No, I lost.

Let's just get this over with.

Wow! All new copper plumbing.

Must have set Karen's
old man back a pretty penny.

Do you not want to do this?

Don't you?

Sort of, but not with you.

I can appreciate that.

All right! All right!

GIRL: How was it?

So, did you?

Do you even have to ask?

GIRLS: Wow! Wally's up.

Come on, Wally. Yeah.

Hey, come on, Wally.

ALL: Wally, Wally.

You want the lights on
or off?

I think maybe off is better.

This is pretty awkward, huh?

KAREN: Yeah.

But if I have to do this
with someone,

I'm glad it's someone
I really like.

Really?

You couldn't tell?

I was really trying
not to notice

because of Eddie and all.

You're a good friend, Wally.

But I don't think you two
will ever be this close.

Hi, Miss Drucker!
Hi, Miss Drucker!

Sorry.

Well, maybe it's like
when you get a new toy,

and after a few days
you get sick of playing
with it.

Looks like he's having
more fun with her than
I ever did with a Slinky.

I'm gonna miss Wally.

He's still my brother.

Beav, the friend or brother
you once knew is dead.

No, Wally's different.

Hey, my brother and I
were pretty tight, too,
then he got a girlfriend.

Now all we ever do is fight.

Really?
Yeah.

Every time she gets
mad at him,
I get my butt kicked.

Don't worry, Beav.
You still got us.

Yeah.

Let's go.
Come on.

You know, I used to want to
stay a kid my whole life.

But lately, I just
want to get it over with.

LANDERS: Theodore
is my best helper.

His lima bean has grown faster
than anyone else's.

But there's a problem,
isn't there, Miss Landers?

Why don't we take a look
at Theodore's "Me" book?

Oh, it's great.
Oh!

His bike.
Bike.

Well, he did a lovely job
with the bay windows
in the front.

Yes.

At this age, we're looking for
more detail in the drawings.

For example, clothes.

Fingers. Feet?

Well, I hardly think
a few missing fingers is
anything to be alarmed over.

Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver,
here in class

Theodore is having
a lot of trouble
keeping up.

I think his self-image
is really suffering
as a result.

So, I took the liberty of
discussing this matter with
our principal, Mrs. Rayburn.

And she would like a meeting

between your entire family
and our district psychologist.

Ward?

I'm worried about the Beaver.

So, Theodore,
why don't you tell me
a little about yourself?

Well, I'm 4'3".

I go to school,
and I got some
European in my blood.

That's very nice.

Do you enjoy school?

Oh, yes, excepting
for noman ruminals.

That's a tough one,
all right.

So, what do you
like to do for fun?

Well, I'm a normal kid.

And I like to do
normal junk just like
normal regular kids do.

The Beaver has always shown
a real interest in science.

And he's very close
with his brother.

And he plays football
for the Mayfield Mighty Mites.

I didn't know they
played football at that age.

Well, you're never
too young to play a sport
that teaches you

self-confidence,
coordination, discipline.

Were you a football player,
Ward?

Well, I played some sandlot.

Interesting.

Wait a minute.
I know what you're doing.

And I can assure you
you're wrong.

Wrong about what?

I'm not one of those fathers.
What do you mean?

One of those fathers
who push their kids

to try to fill the gaps
in their own lives. No, no.

June, back me up here.

Well, I've always felt that
eight was a little young to be
playing such a violent game.

Oh, really?

I do not think this is
the time or place
to have this discussion.

Oh, I think learning
to have discussions

is exactly why we're here.

No. What you really want to do
is gang up on me

for pushing my kids
into sports.

Let me remind you
that Wally here

started playing football
the very same age as Beaver.

Last year he was MVP,

an honor student,
president of his class.

I don't know many boys
his age who can whip up
a better Spanish omelet.

Isn't that right, Wally?

No.

I'm not who you think I am.

I'm a terrible person.

My best friend just
wanted to know what
she thought of him,

and the next thing I knew
we were in her laundry room,

making out.

Making?

I can't eat. I can't sleep.

My whole body feels heavy.

I can't go on like this
any longer,

but I won't give her up!
I won't!

Please, continue.

I'm sorry, Eddie.
I don't believe
Wally is expecting you.

Don't think you need to create
a smoke screen for your son,
Mr. Cleaver.

Wallace and I have discussed
his relationship with Karen,

and ultimately
we feel our friendship
is strong enough

to survive some
schoolboy dalliance.

Oh, hello, Eddie.
Beaver's upstairs in his room.

What? You're here
to see Beaver?

Yes. We're having
a little PJ party.

Now that Wallace doesn't have
as much time as he used to
for young Theodore,

I have taken it upon myself
to slip in and fill that void.

Well, I'm gonna sleep
a lot better knowing that.

Oh, hi, Eddie. I got a model.
I rented a video.

And look at these.

I got about 1,000 pennies
we can wrap up.

Let's get something straight,
Beavis.

I didn't come here
to have a good time.
I'm just using you.

Wallace, what's the occasion?
Job interview?

Cut it out, Eddie.
You know I'm taking Karen
skating tonight.

Oh, sure, throw it in my face.

You're out having
a Ice Capade with my babe,

while I watch Balto
with the Beaver.

So we are going to
watch the movie?

Shut up.

Look, Eddie,
what did you come over for?

To see how miserable
you could make me?

Pretty much.

Well, I got news for you.

Karen was never interested
in you at all.

Oh, yeah? Then why'd
she invite me to her party?

I made sure she invited you,

because I felt sorry for you.

So, in other words,
you're a backstabber
and a liar.

All right. That's it, Haskell.
Let's do it right now!

You know, he just
hasn't been the same
since the growth spurt.

Come, Theodore.

Last time I was here
I hid some Pudding Pops
in back of the freezer.

Boy, Wally, I never knew
you were such a crummy guy.

Me first!
I'll race you!

All right! Come on!
Come on!

Come on.

Karen, I was thinking

that maybe if
tonight went real well...

KYLE: Karen!
...that...

Kyle!

Hey.

I thought you, like, moved.

Yeah. My mom booked,
so now we're living
with my dad's parents.

It sucks, but it's, like,
I'm never home anyway.

Yeah.

Oh, this is my...

This is Wally.

Cool sweater.

Nice earring.

Kyle and I grew up
across the street
from each other.

Yeah. I mean,
we used to, like,
take baths together.

Hey, Eddie, did you know
there was a real dog
named Balto,

and he cured diphtheria?

Well, I'll be.

Your old man's always
crying poverty,

but he's sitting on
quite a sweet little nest egg.

Hey, Eddie,
are you supposed to be
looking at all that stuff?

What's with you anyways,
Cleaver?

Don't you like doing things
you're not supposed to?

Well, I would if I could
get away with them,

but I'm just not as good
at it as you are.

You know, it's a good thing
you found out what a rat
your brother is now,

instead of waiting for
when they're carving up
your old man's estate.

Yeah, I've been
real 'spicious of him

since that time
at the Twin Pools when
he held me underwater.

I'm telling you,
you just can't trust the guy.

That's why I think we should
sneak off to the skating rink
and spy on the little gigolo.

Now, I don't think
my parents would like that.

What to do. What to do.

Mom! Dad! Can we camp out
in the backyard?

Far be it from me
to inhibit the boy's
sense of adventure.

EDDIE: ...in the living room,
while my parents either
read or play Scrabble.

And finally came time
to go to bed,

it took several times
to get the Nintendo shut off.

You know, I'm not so sure
I like Eddie being so nice
to the Beaver.

Oh, now, Ward, if you just
gave the boy half a chance,
he might just surprise you.

Maybe so, but there's
something about him
I just don't trust.

EDDIE: He said I was crazy.

Well, something about that TV
must have been bothering me.

Because I just
laid awake in bed
staring at the ceiling.

The more I tried
not to feel scared,
the scareder I became.

There's Karen.
But where's Wally?

There he is,
picking up splinters.

Hey, babe,
let me go grab my stuff,
then we can blow outta here.

Thanks for the fizz, bud.

Anytime.

Listen, Wally,
I hope you don't mind.

Kyle's really upset
and he really needs
someone to talk to.

Are you mad at me?

No. I mean,
it's obvious the guy's
got a lot of problems.

Thanks.
You're such a nice guy.

I wish people would
quit saying that.

She dumped him.

Once again, fate has dealt me
a winning hand.

Hey, Eddie, you know,
if Wally hadn't have
stole Karen from you,

you'd be the one down there

looking like you're about to
cry in front of
the whole world.

So, in a way,
it's kind of like
Wally did you a favor.

So then
at the ice skating rink,
right? I'm skating, and I'm...

Hey, dude!

Hey, Kyle!

Dig the ride.

Thanks.
Stole it from some kid.

So, who's the Betty?

Just some chick.

I stole her from some guy.

See you later.
See you, man.

Hey, Karen. Pizza?

So, back to the story
about the ice skating rink.

Hey, Romeo.

What are you guys doing here?

Just educating young Theodore
on the perils of teen dating.

Wait. Were you guys
at the rink?

BEAVER:
But don't worry, Wally.
We still love you.

Hey, look, my bike!

BEAVER: Come back here!
Give me back my bike!

Come on! Come on!

WALLY: Stop, you thief!

EDDIE: Let's get him!

WALLY: Hurry up!

Where'd he go?
There he is.

WALLY: Get back here!

BEAVER: Hey, you,
come back here!

Fish!
Whoa!

Whoa!
Whoa!

Adios, amigos!

Good evening, Mrs. Hensler.

And what a fine automobile
you're driving tonight.

What are you boys doing here?

Well, Wallace,

Theodore and myself
just got a sudden craving
for sushi.

Hey, that was Mrs. Hensler.

WALLY: Big mouth.

BOTH: Dad! We gotta get home!

Hello?

CLAIRE: Ward? Claire Hensler.

Isn't it a little late for
Beaver to be vandalizing

a fish market
on a school night?

Beaver's not vandalizing
a fish market
on a school night.

He's safely tucked away
in a tent in our backyard,
listening to scary stories.

What a relief.

What I must have seen was
only the clone of young
Theodore covered in mackerel.

Mrs. Hensler, despite what
you may think, I know my boys
better than you do.

Beav, stay back.
You smell rank!

Eddie.

EDDIE: My mouth got dry,
and my heart
started thumping so hard.

I thought it was going to
come clear out of my chest.

Sorry again, mister!

EDDIE: "...downstairs.

"I walked into the living room
and checked out the TV.

"It was real warm,
as if someone had
just been watching it.

"Then out of nowhere,
it pops on

"and begins to play that
same weird Nintendo game
I saw earlier.

"Well, I almost
jumped out of my skin.

"To make matters worse,

"the piano begins to sound off
with a strange little song.

"I turned back
to stare at the cat."

Wally?
Shh. This is the good part.

All right. Good night, boys.

Anyone ever
hear the word "bath"?

"Pepper is strutting
across the keys.

"His tail straight up
behind him."

You know, scary stories
just aren't as scary when
you don't have a bike anymore.

Yeah, they're not that great
when you don't have
a girl anymore, either.

Hey! Maybe I should get
something stolen from me so
I can join you two mopesters.

You better help us
get that bike!
Okay.

Okay, good work, everybody

and don't forget
we have a spelling pretest
tomorrow.

Hey, Beaver, wanna
come over to my house

and watch my sister
making out with her boyfriend?

I can't. I got
"football" practice.

Oh, right. Gotcha.

Miss Landers, I've been
having a hard time keeping up
with the math stuff again.

Maybe we should
go over it some more.

I'm sorry, Theodore.
I won't be able to
help you today.

I have a teacher's conference,
but maybe Judy could help you.

Certainly, Miss Landers!

I sure would hate to see
Beaver get left behind.

Thank you, Judy.

I'm sure Theodore will be
in very good hands.

All right!
Sit down and shut up!

You're gonna learn this stuff
if I have to shove it
down your throat!

And where do you think
you're going, Beaver Cleaver?

Thanks anyway, Judy,
but I'd rather go through
third grade 100 times

than listen to your ugly voice
for one minute.

Gee, Larry, take a breath.

Hello, Beaver.

Hi, Karen.

Go ahead. Ask him.

Beaver, so,
how's Wally been doing?

Well, he's been
kind of crummy.

Why has he been so crummy?

Well, lately he's had
the same look on his face
the Hunchback did

when Esmeralda ran off
with the good-looking guy.

Bye, Beaver.

Hey, we got an hour
and a half to kill
till practice is over.

You wanna go to the library?

Okay.

We can look at that
National Geographic

with the native girls
of Chilaka.

Yeah.

Hey, Beav, you gonna eat that?

FRED: Well, Frank,
you did it again.

Now, come on.
Get outta here
before I call security.

Bye-bye.
Bye!

Bye-bye.
Thanks again.

Bye.
Bye-bye.

That is how the game is
played, Ward, old man.

Drill them,
fill them and bill them.

Take notes and one day, maybe,
you'll have a corner office.

I'll say this, Fred. What I
saw today, I'm sure they don't
teach in any business school.

Learn it,
use it and pass it on.

The best part is, I finally
have time to make it
to one of Beaver's games.

So long, Fred.

LIBRARIAN:
It's due back on the 19th.

I want to check this out.

Hey, Beav, look.

That's the biggest
coffee cup I've ever seen.

Hey, that place
finally opened, huh?

Yeah, and I can't wait to have
my first iced mochaccino.

Hey, it's you!
Give me back my bike!

Your bike? I get the feeling
I'm being accused
of something here.

You know what he's
talking about, Kyle?
Yeah.

You stole his bike,
and he wants it back.

Give me my bike back,
or I'll call my brother.

You mean, Wally?

Doesn't he have enough trouble
hanging onto
his own belongings?

I'll tell you what.
I'll make you a deal.

Me and Kyle have been arguing
about that big cup up there.

He says there's coffee in it,
and I say there isn't.

It's probably not coffee.

They probably just got
a machine up there
that makes steam.

Yes, see, that's what I said,
but the sign says it's coffee,

and Kyle thinks
there's a law against
fake advertising.

So what's the deal?

You climb up there
and prove I'm right and that
there's no coffee in it,

I'll give you your bike back.

You want me to climb up there?
No way!

I guess you're right, man.
This kid here,
he's got no spine.

Come on, man.
Let's blow outta here.
I gotta meet Karen.

Wait.

How do I know
once I get up there, you'll
really give me my bike back?

Dude,
what other choice you got?

There's so sign of the Beaver.
Maybe he was drafted
by the Packers.

There he is.

Surprise, Beaver!

Oh! Have a good game, son.
Go get them!

Boy, it's high up here.

It just looks that way,
'cause you're way up there.

But from down here,
it's not that high at all.

Coach Gordon?

WARD: Hello. Ward Cleaver.

Oh, yeah, hi.
How are you?

This is Fred Rutherford.
Coach.

So, your son doing
any better in school?

Pardon?

That's why he had to leave the
team, so he could get extra
help after school, right?

Geez, you'll have to
excuse me, Coach.

I seem to find myself
out of the loop on this one.

Whoa!

Come on, Beav!
Quit screwing around!

You made it, Beaver!
You made it!

Hey, Larry!
I can't see inside!

Whoa!

Hey, guess I win the bet!
I didn't hear a splash.

BEAVER: Hey! Do I get
my bike back now?

Deal's a deal.
Come on down and get it.

BEAVER: I can't get out!

Hey, kid, are you
welching on your deal?

Kids today!
They just got no moral code.

Yeah.

Hey, Larry,
I'm gonna be stuck
in here forever.

Okay, okay, don't panic.
I'll get the police.

No, the cops will
tell my parents,

and then they'll find out
I quit the football team!

Well, if that's what you're
worried about, you deserve
to be seeing a shrink.

Wally! What are you doing?

We're gonna be having
dinner soon.

Don't worry, Mom.
I'll be done by then.

JUNE: Hello, dear.

How was your day
at the salt mines?
Hey, Dad.

June, where's the Beaver?

He's at his game.

No, he's not.
They haven't seen him
in two weeks.

I think this is
one of those conversations
I should go upstairs for.

Wally, your father and I
need to know
what's going on right now.

Okay, but if you don't
mind me saying so,

I don't think that going
and thrashing on the Beaver
is gonna help any.

I was not planning to thrash
on anyone, Wally.

I'd just like to know
what's going on
under my own roof.

All right.

Well, we all like the Beaver,

except we all know
he's not the smartest guy

or the best looking and that,
well, he's got
a tendency to lose things.

Your point being?

The guy's got
enough trouble in his life

without always having to
worry about letting you down.

I'll get it.

Hi, Mrs. Cleaver.

I sure hope
you're in a good mood.

COP: Stand back!
Step aside here!

Hey, Wally, looks like we just
crowned a new village idiot.

Mr. Cleaver, I hope
you're as moved

by this fine show
of civic support for
your second born as I am.

Be right back.
Okay.

And might I add, Mrs. Cleaver,
even in the most dire
of circumstances,

you look as though
you've just walked off
the runway.

Eddie.
Yes, Mrs. Cleaver.

Cut the crap.

Things are really percolating
here in downtown Mayfield

as a little boy,
caught in a giant coffee cup,

has refused attempts
by rescue personnel
to extricate him.

And now it appears that
that job has landed on
the shoulders of his father.

That's Dad!

Beaver?

Hello, Beaver.

You all right?

Yes, sir.

If it's okay, I'd rather
you yell at me up here than
in front of the whole town.

I have no intention
of yelling at you.

You say that now,
but you just might forget
once you hear everything.

I know all about
the football team, Beaver.

Thanks a lot, Wally.

The problem isn't who I
heard it from. It's that
I didn't hear it from you.

I wanted to tell you, Dad.
Then why didn't you, Beav?

'Cause I couldn't decide
which was worser,

screwing up by playing
or screwing up by quitting.

Either way,
I didn't want to go
disappointing you again.

Why would you say
something like that?

'Cause it's true.
Ever since my bike got stoled,

you've been
giving me the look.

What look is that?

It's a kind of look like
you don't like what I'm doing,
but you don't wanna tell me.

Beaver,
I don't give you any...

Oh, I do that, huh?

My dad used to do that.

Used to make me feel like
nothing I ever did was
good enough for him.

If you didn't like it
when your dad gave you
the look,

then why'd you give it to me?

Well, Beaver, I...

I guess I just forgot
what it felt like

to be a little boy.

Maybe one day
when you're in my shoes,

you won't make
some of the same mistakes
with your son.

Yeah, but if I grow up
and have as dumb a kid as me,

it'd be hard
not to want to belt him.

Oh, Beav.

You know what
unconditional love is, Beaver?

Uh-uh.

It means that
when you're a parent,

you love your children
exactly the same, no matter
if they get straight A's

or stuck
in a giant coffee cup.

You understand?

Well, sure, I get it, Dad,

'cause that's the way
I feel about you.

Oh, Beaver.

Thank you, son.

That's the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me.

Let's get out
of this steam bath.
What do you say? Come on.

Hey, Dad.
Yeah.

Now that we talked about
all this junk,

do you think it'd be all right
if I sort of went back
to the team?

You don't have to play
football, Beaver, or do
anything you don't want to,

except take a bath.

It's just that next week
the game's against Benton,
and we're gonna get killed.

So all the parents will
probably buy us pizza
to make us feel better.

Come on. Up you go.

I got you.

WARD: Go, Mayfield!

ANNOUNCER: Don't forget to
visit the Mayfield Harvest
Festival after the game.

Here we are. Look at this
beautiful chocolate pie.

Look at that. You were
last year's winner,
weren't you? Good for you.

Come on, Stacy!
GIRL: Coming, Judy.

BERT: Here we go.

Here you go.

Hey, this is good.

Hey, Kyle,
could you get me a soda?

Oh, sure.

I'm a little short.
You got a buck?

Be right back, babe.

KYLE: Hey, couple of sodas.

MAN: Sure thing.

Thanks, bud.

ANNOUNCER: Time-out,
Mayfield, with 10 seconds
left in the game.

KYLE: Hey, Karen!

Here's your soda.
Thanks.

Hey, man,
let's get some popcorn.

Yeah,
but you better stay here.

You might see something
that'll kill your appetite.

You wanna go
to the festival?

Sure.

Cool.
Yeah.

Mayfield is down
to its final play,
trailing Benton 24 to 20.

Hi, everybody.

If you're worried about us
jumping all over you

for losing that game for us,
forget it.

Yeah.

The coach said
making fun of a guy
is unsportsmanlike.

Thanks, guys.

Huddle up!

GIRLS: We are alive! Go!

So, what's the play?

Pass protection, 86 on "Go."

Ready!

PLAYERS: Break!

Come on!
Go, Beaver!

Down!

Set!

Go!
ALL: Go!

Look! There goes Beaver!
Go, Beaver! Go!

Come on, Cleaver! Run!

Run, Beaver! Run!

Cleaver, run!

Come on, Beaver!

Run!

Oh, no! Wrong way!

ANNOUNCER: Cleaver's
running the wrong way...
Stop him!

...toward
the Benton goal line!

Beaver!

Cleav!

My bike! Stop!

Come on!
Come back here!

Go!

Go! Go, Beaver!

Go, Cleaver! Go!

Touchdown!

Unbelievable! Cleaver scores!
Mayfield wins!

You want some fudge?
Sure.

How about a brownie?
KAREN: Okay.

Hey, bro.
Give me back my bike!

KYLE: Go, brother! Go!

What a loser family.
Oh, yeah?

Nobody messes with my brother!

I'll be right back.

Here. You need
a little bit of topping.

MAN 1: One hot dog
with mustard.
Here you go, sir.

WOMAN: Hey! Careful!
MAN 2: Hey!

Whoa!

Not again!

Yes!

Gotcha!

All right, Beav!

Nice dress, Judy.

Give it a rest, Beav.

You're gonna be so tired
from polishing it,
you won't be able to ride it.

Don't worry about that.

I figure it's a lot safer
if I don't ride it anymore.

Come on, boys. Time for bed.

Beaver,
this bike isn't going to
stay up here forever, is it?

Oh, no, Mom.
When I get married, I'll
move it into my new house.

Well, good night, Wally.

Good night, Mom.
Good night.

Good night, Beaver.
Night, Wally.

Hey, maybe we can make
an exception tonight about
me giving you a kiss.

Yeah, Dad, I guess
it wouldn't kill anybody.

Good night, Beaver.
Good night.

Dad, even though
I'm playing football,

it might still be okay for you
to read to me now and then,
wouldn't it?

Are you sure about that,
Beaver?

I figure I'm not gonna be
a little kid forever.

So we ought to do as much
of this kind of junk
while we still can.

"Now, Dottie the Dinosaur
had never seen
a human being before.

"Such a tiny creature
who only walks on two legs
and eats berries."

"'Couldn't be much of
a hunter,' said Dottie.

"'I heard that,' Billy cried
to the towering beast
above him.

"'Could you speak up?'
Dottie said. 'I can
barely hear you down there.'

"Billy could hardly imagine
what the next insult

"to come out of this
long-necked, sharp-toothed,
drooling beast would be.

"And as Billy started to
walk away,

"a big leathery-fanged paw
scooped him up
and held him to its nose.

"But this time, in a quieter,
sweeter voice, Dottie said,

"with what seemed like
a tear running down
her cheek..."

BEAVER: Hey, Dad,
I really like the way
you read to me.

WARD: Why, thank you, Beaver.

You wouldn't be sucking up
again, would you, son?

Oh, no, Dad. It's still
a while till Christmas.

"'Well, what did she
look like?' Billy said."