Original subtitles

Good evening!

Welcome... My name is Bill Bailey

welcome to the 'Remarkable Guide to the Orchestra'

and Welcome to 'Albert Hall' Marvelous... What a marvelous venue it is!

It was built by Victorians originally as a giraffe house, I don't know if you knew that

Those boxes were originally stuffed with hay!

And now, stuffed with the lucky members of the HSBC

Tonight's show is a celabration of the orchestra in all its forms

The majesty, the beauty, the power and the delicacy

And I can't think of no finer ensemble to assist me in this task

than the supremely versatile, and strangely attractive 'BBC Concert Orchestra'!

And tonight, wielding the tiny white stick of unimaginable power

an all around musical maestro, Oscar winner, musician extraordinaire - the wonderdul Anne Dudley!

When I was a kid, I was taken to see a classical concert.

I was mesmerized by the sounds. I was in trance, I was taken on a sonic journey

And I didn't know which instruments made which noise or how the music was created

Sometimes, the music made me think I was rushing through a forest...

And then, bursting through the foliage, and emerging...

On a mountain top!

But then I entered a strange dream

Some kind of psychedelic experience, when I was transported to a building...

I walked into the building, and in the dream I entered some doors, some doors opened

I walked into the light, and I was in...

A lift!

Let's start with the flute

The flute is a magical, playful instrument

It's got a wonderful, sort of light sound to it

It conjures up, a memory...

of a place you may have been to, or perhaps a place you may never have been to

A false memory if you will

A memory implant like they do in 'Blade Runner' [a sci-fi movie]

And for that reason it strikes me as being mildly hallucinogenic

You could be watching a massive iceberg, coming out of the moonlight or,

perhaps sitting in an Irish theme pub

eating a Chicken Comer with a hurling stick

In the marvelous musical instruction book, written in 1695, called 'the sprightly companion'

which in itself would be a great thing to have, a sprightly companion!

To accompany you at all times. "Hello, you've been down to the dance? Come on!"

"Let's go for a walk, perhaps waterproof your boots, I don't know, hold the door open for a lady"

"Listen to the wireless [radio], buy a new spirit level. Come on!"

"Go out west and watch Mamma Mia!"

Sorry, Some of you may be fans of 'Mamma mia', I don't know

I tried to like it,

for me it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of Ikea furniture

It hurts, but you gotta admire the workmanship

So, in the 'sprightly companion', the sound of the oboe is described like this:

Majestical and stately, and not much inferior to the trumpet!

Which, if you Google: "Backhanded oboe compliments"

That's in the Top 3

The oboe has a very clear sound

I's different to the clarinet and the bassoon, it's not cylindrical it's conical

which gives a unique "timbre" [sound coloration]

It has a clear, penetrating voice, which always sings through a large ensemble

Rather like a French teacher on a school trip

[French] "Gaspard, pousse-toi!" [English] Gaspard, move over!

Actually the name 'Oboe' comes from the French 'Haut bois', meaning 'High Wood'

But for me, it's a uniquely British sounding instrument

It has a kind of melancholy plangent air, redolent of an empire on the wane [losing power]

Perhabps a walk on a brisk automn evening through the Yorshire Dales

Where all the traditional elements of rural Britain are in place

A pint of Kronenbourg [beer brand]

A bowl of nachos [Mexican chips]

A rural sense of dislocation and despair...

And four teenagers setting fire to a Nissan Micra [kind of car]

The orchestra plays the theme from 'Emmerdale'

a British soap opera from 1989 named 'Emmerdale Farm'

Some of you might be thinking: "Hold on ...

'Emmerdale' doesn't an oboe in it" No, that's because, it was dropped from the theme wasn't it?

And of course was the word 'farm' as well In 1989

Now why 1989?

Across Europe, too many scenes

The Berlin Wall was torn down The Velvet Revolution in Prague

I think it was a response to the collapse of communism

They dropped 'farm'... too much of an association with collectivization and soviet oppression

And the oboe itself, perhaps, in its conical order, a symbol of the old order

It had to go.

Order and symmetry were what characterized the classical music period

The term 'Classical music' is often used incorrectly

it's used to describe all classical music

But the actual 'classical music period' was from about 1730 and 1820

And during that time the music kinda reflected the architecture at the time

Solid, balanced and symmetrical.

And particularly the Baroque era during that time, the Oboe music from that era

Is often used in advertising to subliminally suggest those characteristics of...

order, solidity and trustworthiness

such as you might find, in a bank!

Now, by contrast, the sinuous and supple mischievous sound of the clarinet

should have warned customers of trouble ahead!

In this recent ad for Bradford & Bingley [A failing bank]

Ha! You thought... we have the money!

There's 2 instruments I'd like to highlight: the Bass clarinet and the trombone.

But the muted Trombone in this case

Because these 2 instruments were used very widely to accompany villains,

TV villain in the 1970s.

When you see a TV villain, in any 1970's kinda cop show, when they're going inside, you hear the bass clarinet,

But when they come out, it's the muted trombone!

You'll more likely hear this...

You see?

Bassoons have a crucial role to play in the orchestra,

because they provide a crucial texture, fantastic layerings of sounds

that's hidden within the body of sound of the orchestra.

And what I'd like to do now is to play a piece of music, and we'll strip away the layers of the orchestra

so you can actually hear what the bassoon is playing

We'll start with a bit of typical Baroque trumpet music

You can't hear the Bassoon

Now let's listen to the same piece of music again, minus the trumpets, just focusing on the woodwind and the strings

Now let's take away some more layers,

and just listen to what the bassoon is actually playing within the body of the sound

Yes, you've noticed, the bassoon is actually playing: 'How Deep Is Your Love' by the 'Bee Gees' [Disco song]

Bassoon players are actually obsessed by the Bee Gees

and for many years they've been secretly incorporating them in classical works

Now we've started, there's very little we can do about it,

We just have to go with the flow, the bassoons have taken control

Go bassoons!

They're just crazy!

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world

Swans, sharks, trout...

But not, as far as I know, the much melined jellyfish

Never gets much of a look in the parol, the jellyfish

And for this I'm gonna demonstrate this instrument which is called a 'theremin'

Some of you may be familiar with this, This is an electronic instrument

It was invented by a Russian radio engineer called Leon Theremin in 1919

Purely by accident. He was actually working on a motion detector piece of equipment

Basically an alarm

So as you go pass it...

You know someone is trying to steal it, that's quite handy!

I'll put it on the car

"Hey, wait a minute!"

They'd be useless like that, But with control,

you can play actual tunes on it

This controls the volume, I put my hand in here

And this controls the pitch, so if I take my hand out here, this increases the volume

And if I move my hand here, you get the difference in pitch

You can lick it

arm, knee... pretty much anything really!

Small animal... but they have to stay very still

So I've got a little but of Theremin in this piece of music

I have to hold the first note in my head, So I ask the leader of the orchestra,

Charles, could you give me an F sharp, please?

There we go. I'll just hold my hand in that position for the next couple of hours...

Ok this is it: the Jellyfish.

Orchestras used to be in house musicians for radio stations

And in the 1920s there was a composer called David Rose,

who was the in house composer for the 'Mutual Broadcasting Network' in America

and it was in the late 20s He was working for this orchestra,

and of course, at that time was the time of the stock market crash,

banks were collapsing around the world, Imagine that happening now!

And because of the cut backs, he was asked to compose a piece of music just for the strings

because the money ran out, that's all they could afford

So we're gonna focus now on the strings, and this piece of music is played in the 'pizzicato'

or the "plucked style". There's not even any bows, they couldn' afford bows!

This is called 'Holidays for strings'

Not actually much of a holiday for them really, to be honest

Lovely, isn't it?

Wonderful

David Rose wrote another very famous piece of music called 'the stripper'

and, by the time he got to write that the cut backs were so severe, all he could afford was a xylophone

Don't encourage him!

I'd like to take this opportumity to talk to you about a much meline musical form

and that is of course 'Cockney music'.

As you all know 'cockney music' has influenced classical music for many centuries...

and I'd like to 'shine a light' on that, if I may

There's certain leitmotifs [theme] which recur in 'cockney music'

There's of course the 'basic cockney intro'

And this can be found in Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata'

You've probably heard it loads of times, but you never noticed

Quite a lot of winking in cockney music...

Wait for it, wait for it...

There it is, the 'basic cockney intro'

You can't here the trombone and not smile, I think

It just brings a sense of well-being, 'the bringer of joy', I call it

And this is not a well-known fact, but on planes they always carry a trombone,

just in case there's a disaster and they need to keep morale up

All cabin crew, fully proficient in the trombone

And of course there's another use: if you ditch at sea, it can be used as a snorkel

Trombones, they're like the jolly uncles of the orchestra, aren't they?

They're wonderful! There's no valves or keys, they can slide... there's a kind of lusciousness about them,

A slight air of danger... Like a rather lairy uncle at a Christmas party

And for that reason, the trombone has the greatest affinity with cockney music

They're kind of the rebels of the brass

To demonstrate it, I'd like to play, obviously, the finale of Rossini's 'William Tell' overture,

William Tell himself was a bit of a rebel!

Was he a Swiss nationalist, or a nutter with a crossbow? I don't know!

And Rossini of course was a 'Pearly King' It's not very well-known [charity where people wear pearl buttons all over their clothes]

So here it is, the 'William Tell' overture, in its original cockney arrangement

Have a banana!

I'm a massive fan of 1970s American cop show themes

Are you?

They're fantastic! They're just so cool!

It was a fantastic era for soundtracks

It was when soundtracks changed, they started to adapt, orchestras started to get 'the Groove on'

They started to count it off "Can I do it?... 1, 2, 3, 4!..."

They started to incorporate electric keyboards, drums kits, electric guitars...

And what I love about them is that they're quite litteral

You knew exactly who the good guy were and who were the bad guys, just by the chord

The good guys got a perfect fifth...

Strong, compassionate... the bad guys got an augmented fourth

You knew exactly where you were Just a semitone,

But sometimes in life, if you make the wrong choices, it's just a semitone out!

We'll start with a typical scene, Our heroes, cruising around the town

Perfect fifth

They've been told about a new spill of burglaries, a marchbook gang

A slight hint of menace to come

Straght away, we cut to the villains...

We know they're villains, because of the augmented fourth

and the congas, you know...

They're swarthy, leather clad They bear us ill will

They turn up outside a warehouse down by the docks, They get out, get the keys and go inside

Meanwhile, our heroes are still cruising around

"So tell me about this matchbook gang"

"Well, they scam, they do a burglary, and they leave a matchbook,

tauting the police"

"Ah, I see" They're taking all this is, driving up the main street,

Passes all the old shops, even pass the agricultural supply shop

The radio crackle "What's this?"

"We got a call!"

They're drinving now in a funky way...

- "They got a 147" - "A 147? What's that?"

"It's a suspicious malfeasance down at the docks"

They turn up there, the door is broken down

There's body lying there, some blood, a matchbook

"What does all this mean?"

And then we go to a commercial break.

The next day, establishing shot at the police station

Establishing shot of the main reception

Establisher of the stairs

The double stairs around the corridor

Now we're in the chief's office, and he's angry!

"How could you've lost them? My ass is in a sling, the department is lightning a fire under my ass"

One of the cops cracks wise [jokes]: "Well that will burn the sling away! Haha"

Chief's not happy... "Get out!"

"Get out and find the matchbook gang!"

Down at the plastics factory, the heist is on

The villains, balaclavas [ski masks], leather, they mean business!

The security guard, he's tied up, he's groggy, he's been knocked out

He starts to come around, he sees the villains, he's reaching for his gun...

He tries to grab one of them, there's a bit of a struggle

They knock him out cold.

"Get the Tupperware into the escape vehicle! Quickly!"

One of the villains starts taking the lids off, and putting the lids on one side, and the boxes on the other side

- "What are you doing, what the hell are you doing?" - "Well, that way we'll be able to get more in... we stack them..."

"The cops will be here any minute, there's no time for stacking! "

"I'm juste saying, that'd be neater"

The security guard rears up, they just knock him out again

"Quick! Get the stuff in the van!" They close the doors...

and they're gone, like Keyser Soze

The cops, appear on the scene looking for clues

There's a bit of Tupperware, few beakers "What's going on here?"

- "What's that noise?" - "It's the security guard, he starts to come around"

"Ask him a question!"

No, he's out cold

They look at him, they find a matchbook: "Meet me here after the robbery": Must be a clue!

- "What's the name of the place?" - "It's the Cuban themed gangster hideout!"

"Cohiba!" [cigar brand]

They get on the trail!

We come back to the bar!

The chase is on!

To the streets, "How about that alley?"

They're heading for the old fruit market

There's a huge handcart of satsumas! [mandarin oranges] "Look out!"

That's going all over!

They're closing in on the villains, they're shooting! Bang, bang!

One cop is hit in the arm!

He's bleeding, the car's going over, they shoot the villains' car

It explodes spectacularly into flames!

Establishing shot of the hospital

The cop is leaning up in bed. The chief comes around with a box of cigars

Chucks them over, they look at he label...

Cohiba!

Thank you!

American composers do TV themes fantastically well

And news themes as well!

This next piece of music is the NBC nightly news theme called 'The Mission'

It was written by John Williams, who's written scores of blockbusters

Music for Star Wars, Indiana Jones... This music is a news theme,

but it sounds like pure Hollywood entertainment

It sounds like ET on a horse being chased by Darth Vader

Which is something I'd love to see

John Williams is credited as really resurecting the whole notion of a Soundtrack

for popular entertainment. He's made them very 'audience-accessible'

and he's also resurected the notion of the 'leitmotif' [recurring melody]

which Wagner was the main exponent of

In the news theme, there's the question and answer leitmotif

You have the fanfare at the beginning

Which is very declamatory and then you got the question-theme

And the answer...

We hear all that and, it's such a sweeping score,

I may be compelled to sing during it at some point, But I might have to hold back

Anyway, here it, this is 'the Mission'

Urgent strings: "Here's the news!"

There's the fanfare

Which seems to say, "Pay attention, the news is on!"

What great and tragic events unfold in the world today?

"We'll tell you in a minute"

What great sporting victories can you tell us now?

"It's all there on the webstite!"

What tales of magical places happening far away?

"You really should get out more"

Tell us, tell us the news! Of Christrians, Muslims and Jews!

Always well-balanced views, on the news!

Mission accomplished

Our news themes have become very serious, but they didn't use to be

This next piece of music was actually the news theme for 'ITN' news between 1959 and 1982

and it's so relentlessly jolly, the news must've been much nicer then!

It must have been a nicer time, all around

Because you can't imagine listening to this theme, and hearing the headlines of today, it just wouldn't work!

This is a marvelous piece of music, it's called 'Nonstop'

"A massive car bomb exploded in Baghdad today"

"Kyrgyzstan has gone nuclear"

"Bird flu is affecting all of us, it looks like we'll all be dead in 3 years!"

"The entire system of money has collapsed.

Governments warned of a return to a shiny bead-based bargaining system"

"America has began bombing Iran!

Third World War is imminent!"

"We're all going to die!"

I'm a massive fan of science-fiction programs and their themes

And I'm a lifelong fan of 'Doctor Who' [BBC sci-fi TV show from 1963 to 1989]

Which is marvelous isn't it? It's a wonderful theme... terrifying

I remember as a child I was terrified by it

It just strikes fear into your very soul!

But when you listen to the chords...

And you slow them down, it actually sounds a bit more like Belgian jazz

More like a Jacques Brel song

[French] C'est lui, [English] It's him,

[French] Docteur Qui [English] Doctor Who

[French] il voyage dans le TARDIS [English] He travels in the TARDIS

[French] la boite de telephone fantastique de l'espace [English] The awesome space phone booth

[French] l'interieur est beaucoup plus grand que l'exterieur [English] The inside is much bigger than the outside

[French] Et ca c'est le mystere du Docteur Qui [English] And that's the mystery of Doctor Who

[French] Le chef des Daleks il s'appelle Devros [English] The commander of the Daleks is called Devros

[French] Il veut controler l'univers, et tout le monde [English] He wants to conquer the entire universe, and everything

[French] Mais il ne controle jamais l'univers [English] But he never controls it

[French] Avec les Daleks le docteur est superieur [English] With the Daleks the doctor wins

[French] Il rit [English] He laughs

[French] "Je suis Docteur Qui" [English] "I'm Doctor Who"

[French] Les Daleks ne peuvent pas monter l'escalier, c'est une tragedie pour les Daleks [English] Daleks can't climb the stairs, It's their weakness

[French] "Zut alors !" [English] "Damn!"

[French] Exterminez-vous [English] Exterminate!

[French] Exterminez-vous [English] Exterminate!

[French] Exterminez-vous [English] Exterminate!

[French] Non, tu ne peux pas, parce que je suis Docteur Qui [English] No, it will fail, because I'm Doctor Who

That is an example of a fantastic TV theme. Some of them, not so great...

[Theme from 'Eastenders': a British soap opera]

I's not great, is it? It sounds like:

"Everyone is going to die, we're all gonna die, in a variety of different ways"

There's nothing there, is it? I's just:

It just lands on that "F"

"Any chance of a little bit of harmonic structure, to liven up the 'Eastenders'? "

"Nope."

It sounds like a barrel load of cold porridge being wheeled up a plank and dumped into a skip, isn't it?

And the thing is, there's great drama in 'Eastenders'

People leaving, this great romance,

And the music, it's just not up to it.

So I think that when someone leaves ..."IE" they're getting written out to appear in a musical or something

But even then, there's great drama, and I think it would benefit

from the richness and the mystery of orchestral music

"I got something to tell you"

"What?"

- "I'm leaving" - "I thought you were just packing for your holidays"

- "No." - "I thought you were going to Magaluf" [holiday resort in Spain]

- "No, I'm leaving" - "Leaving Walford?"

"Yeah, I'm leaving Walford"

"But what about the Vick, the laundry, that parc pit in the middle? "

"There's nothing left for me here"

"Where would you go? Where would you go?"

"Norwich" [city in Norfolk, east England]

- "Norwich?" - "Yeah, gonna stay with my brother"

- "What about all the things we had together" - "Nah, there's nothing left for me now"

"The cab's here"

- "You better go" - "Yeah"

"I love you, will you write?"

"Yeah I'll probably text you when I get there, if I get a signal"

- "Bye." - "Bye"

He gets in the cab, the door closes

And the cab is gone. Taking one last sweep pass all the places he's ever known

The minicab office, the chip shop, the market...

She waves, He doesn't. He doesn't look back.

His heart is settled, on a new life, A world of possibility

Perhaps even a part in a touring production of Mamma Mia

Gone...

Gone to Norwich

Thank you, thank you very much

Let's welcome the Alpine roadies with the tuned Alpine cowbells

[German] Danke, Danke schoen [English] Thanks, Thank you

These are actual cowbells which are tuned to the chromatic scale

And played in all Alpine festivals

Just a bit of a ceremony, we have to go through before

Respect for the Swiss flag is always minutely observed

And we're going to attempt to play 'The Swan' from the 'Carnival of the Animals',

on the tuned Alpine bells. I can't do it myself. For this, I'm gonna need the assistance of the magnificent rhythm section

who will accompany me on the bells

Thank you very much

They're all laid out in tune here, they're played just by shaking, like this

This one, the 'G', sounds exactly like a phone

So don't worry, it's not your phone going off, it's actually the bell

I think we're ready, Anne, if you'd like to start

Only joking

This time

Thank you!

The rhythm section!

Thanks a lot, lovely work!

It's always been my long held belief that eventually, insects will take over the world

So, this is what I'd like to call 'Insect Nation'

At the beginning of the 21st century, It seemed impossible to believe,

that the greatest threat to our planet, would not be from the Aliens, but from the insects

Tiny creatures, who we had ignored for centuries

And that indifference had festered amongst them, and rankled like an unreplaced gley plug-in

And the seeds of hatred was sown

"Get away from the picnic!" We would say, "Get away from the picnic!"

"Squash it, kill it!" We squashed and killed,

But more came to replace them... tenfold, a hundred, a thousand, a million fold...

Tiny eyes watched us: The ant on the Hummus [food from Egypt/Middle East]

The Wasp on the Fanta, the praying mantis on the Panini [sandwich from Italy]

The Aphid on the 'Pret a Manger no-bread sandwich' What's the point of that?

It's just a salad, surely

The hatred burnt to the icy chid of revenge, and slowly they drew their plans against us with a harp

From walls we were watched by the tiny myriad eyes of flies

Bees disappear from their hives, and marshaled great forces

They put aside their differences and resolve to unite against their common human foe [enemy]

They will take back what is rightfully theirs

They will take us and they'll make us... Human slaves, in an insects nation!

Human slaves, in an insects nation!

Human slaves, in an insects nation!

Human slaves, in an insects nation!

The locust squats upon a leaf, he's just biding his time

The human world that he surveys, He thinks one day all this will be mine!

The spiders... are not insects, but in war they'd probably side with the insects

Traitors, traitors, spiders, traitors!

They'll betray us, and they'll make us... Human slaves, in an insects nation!

Human slaves, in an insects nation!

Human slaves, in an insects nation!

Now, it is the future, our worst fears are realised

We have ignored the warnings We have given in to our petty indulgences

We have ignored the doomsayers, and Al Gore [US politician]

The world is different, a changed world, we are mere human workers in the empire of the ant

Cold-hearted ants with revenge in their eyes

Nothing but common workers, while bees, cavort freely

We collect their honey for them, we collect nectar for Butterflies

Our world is broken, past, We're nothing but...

human slaves...

in an insect nation!

Thank you very much! Thank you!

Thank you Charles

Thank you to all of you! What a fantastic crowd!

Anne, come

Thank you very much! This has been the remarkable guide, Good night, thank you!

Subz by: Charlie G Thanks for watching!