Original subtitles

been slaving over this for hours.

Dear Lord baby Jesus, or as our brothers

to the south call you, Hey Zeus,

we thank you so much for this bountiful

harvest of Domino's, KFC, and

the always delicious Taco Bell.

I just want to take time to say thank

you for my family, my two beautiful

beautiful, handsome, striking sons,

Walker and Texas Ranger,

or TR as we call

and of course my red hot smoking wife,

Carly, who's a stone cold fox.

If you were to rate her ass on a

hundred, it would easily be a 94.

Also want to thank you for my best

friend and teammate Cal Naughton Jr.

who's got my back no matter what.

Shake and bake.

Dear Lord baby Jesus, we also thank you

for my wife's father, Chip. We hope that

you can use your baby Jesus powers to

heal him and his horrible leg and it

smells terrible and the dogs are

bothering with it.

Dear tiny infant Jesus,

>> Hey, um you know, sweetie,

Jesus did grow up. You don't always have

to call him baby. It's a bit odd and

off-putting to pray to a baby.

>> Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best

and I'm saying grace.

When you say grace, you can say it to

grown-up Jesus or teenage Jesus or

bearded Jesus or whoever you want. You

know what I want?

I want you to do this grace good

so that God will let us win tomorrow.

Dear tiny Jesus,

your golden

fleece diapers with your tiny little fat

balled-up fist pawing at

>> a man. He had a beard. Look, I like the

baby version the best. Do you hear me? I

win the races and I get the money.

>> Ricky,

finish the damn grace.

I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo

t-shirt cuz it says like, "I want to be

formal, but I'm here to party, too." Cuz

I like to party, so I like my Jesus to

party. I like to picture Jesus as a

ninja fighting off evil samurai. I like

to think of Jesus like with giant

eagle's wings and singing lead vocals

for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel

band and I'm in the front row and I'm

hammered drunk. Hey Cal, why don't you

just shut up?

>> Yes, ma'am.

Okay.

Dear 8-lb 6-oz

newborn infant Jesus,

don't even know a word yet, just little

infant, so cuddly, but still omnipotent.

We just thank you for all the races I've

won and the 21.2 million dollars. WOO!

>> WOO! WOO! OW!

>> ALL THAT money

that I have accrued over this past

season. Also, due to a binding

endorsement contract that stipulates I

mention Powerade at each grace, I just

want to say the Powerade is delicious

and it it cools you off on a hot summer

day

and we look forward to Powerade's

release of Mystic Mountain Blueberry.

Thank you for all your power and your

grace, dear baby God. Amen. Amen. Amen.

Let's dig in. That was a hell of a

grace, man.

You nailed that LIKE A SPLIT HOG.

>> I appreciate that. I'm not going to lie

to you, it felt good. Dad, you made that

grace your [ __ ] Hey boys, I want to

see some napkins in the lap. Boys, how

was school today? I threw a bunch of

Grandpa Chip's war medals off the

bridge.

That sounds like a good day.

Texas Ranger, how about you? Well, the

teacher asked me what was capital of

North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C.

Bingo. Nice.

>> She said, "No, you're wrong." I said,

"You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at

me and yelled at and I pissed in my

pants and I never did change my pee

pants all day. I'm still sitting in my

dirty pee pants. I wet my bed until I

was 19. There's no shame in that. I get

emotional.

You guys are working so hard and

I'm just so proud of you. You remind me

of me, precocious and full of

wonderment. I'll tell you what, Ricky,

you are truly blessed. These two are two

in a million.

>> I am. Just like Carly's ta-tas.

You won't find another rack like that, I

guarantee it. Thank you, Cal.

Come on! Bobby moves to the outside. Not

a lot of room. He's in the wall! Bobby

is sliding, slamming into the wall!

He's airborne!

Yep, I'm flying through the air. This is

not good.

Ricky!

Cool!

Ricky!

Peaches and cream.

The car comes to rest in a big cloud of

smoke. Ricky Bobby appears to be okay,

but that Wonder Bread car is toast.

Fantastic.

OH MY GOD!

RICKY!

HAKUNA MATATA, [music]

[ __ ]

It's okay, guys. It's just a wreck.

Ricky can handle it. Well, that's one of

the nastiest wrecks you'll ever see.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh. It's

all right to say.

You're safe.

We got you. We're here. I'M ON FIRE.

OKAY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE NOT ON FIRE.

>> YOU'RE LYING. RELAX. I'M BURNED!

COME ON. THERE IS NO FIRE.

I'M BURNED!

COME BACK HERE. BUT something looks

wrong. I mean, he's running around like

like he's on fire. OH MY GOD, HELP ME! I

DON'T WANT TO DIE! OH, STOP, DROP, AND

ROLL! YOU'RE NOT ON FIRE, RICKY BOBBY.

>> I'M ON FIRE!

YOU'RE NOT ON FIRE.

BUT I'M NOT EVEN SURE HE EVEN knows

where he's at right now. This makes us

all realize the kind of pressure these

drivers are under.

MR. BOBBY, COME ON DOWN HERE. HELP ME,

JESUS!

HELP ME, JEWISH GOD! HELP ME, ALLAH!

[screaming]

HELP ME, TOM CRUISE!

>> BUT HOW DID HE GET DOWN to his underwear

that fast?

>> TOM CRUISE, USE YOUR WITCHCRAFT ON ME TO

GET THE FIRE OFF [screaming] ME! LOOK,

HERE HELP'S COMING. Wait a minute. It's

it's Cal Naughton.

OH MY GOD!

PLEASE DON'T LET THE INVISIBLE FIRE BURN

MY FRIEND!

>> [screaming]

>> HE'S JUMPING ON RICKY TRYING to put the

non-existent fire out.

>> Now, that's a teammate right there. This

is going downhill fast. I think it'd be

a great time to go TO COMMERCIAL BREAK.

>> [screaming]

>> HELP ME, OPRAH WINFREY! Everyone's real

friendly. I mean, it doesn't hurt being

Ricky Bobby. I'm not going to lie to

you.

So, how's the physical therapy going?

Oh, I gave that up.

Yeah, I gave that up after maybe the

first day. Within the first hour I gave

that up. I'm through lying to myself,

you know.

It's time to be mature about this and

just face facts.

I bought myself a hundred thousand

dollar handicap accessible van with the

captain's chairs and the DVD plasma

screens in the back for the kids.

>> paid up, man? Oh, yeah. That's all paid

in full.

It's parked out there.

And then the next thing I got to do is I

just got to have a sit-down with Carly

and just let her know

that uh

it's okay for her to seek the comfort of

other men.

Cuz you know, she's cuz she's got a raw

wild you can't keep something like that

back. Hold on, man. Hold.

I got to tell him. No, I don't care what

the doctor said. We got to tell him now.

Ricky, the doctor told us that we should

let you work it out in your own sweet

time, but Ricky, you can walk. What did

you just say?

He's telling you the truth, man.

It's all in your head.

You sick sons of [ __ ] I mean, you

walk in that door on your two legs all

fat and cocky and looking at me in my

chair and you tell me it's all in my

head? I hope that both of you have sons,

handsome, beautiful, articulate sons who

are talented and star athletes AND AND

THEY HAVE THEIR LEGS TAKEN AWAY. I MEAN,

I PRAY YOU KNOW THAT PAIN AND THAT HURT.

DON'T YOU PUT THAT EVIL ON ME, RICKY

BOBBY!

DON'T YOU PUT THAT ON US! YOU ARE NOT

PARALYZED! I AM SO PARALYZED. NO, NO,

NO.

>> RUB ON HIM NOW.

>> NO, HE NEEDS TO KNOW.

>> OKAY. HE'S ALWAYS CRYING. TOUGH LOVE IT

IS. TOUGH LOVE.

>> Wake up, idiot. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I

AM?

YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT MY LIFE IS? DON'T

DON'T DO IT. DO YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT'S

GOING ON HERE? DON'T YOU STICK THAT

KNIFE in your leg.

OW!

>> [screaming]

>> MAN!

WELL, HOLD ON.

>> [screaming]

>> MAN!

>> HOLD ON NOW. HOLD ON. OH, THAT HURT!

WALK IT OFF. OH, MY WALK IT OFF.

HEY, MAN, YOU CAN [screaming] WALK. YOU

CAN WALK. I CAN WALK. YOU CAN WALK.

I CAN WALK.

WE GOT IT. WE GOT IT. HOLD ON RIGHT

THERE. HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

WAIT, MAYBE MAYBE DON'T TOUCH IT. CAN HE

FEEL IT? YEAH, NO.

>> [screaming]

>> WE'LL USE THIS KNIFE TO PRY IT OUT.

>> WE'LL PULL IT OUT. Now we got two now.

Two now.

>> Just just don't think about it. This is

going down a bad path.

>> Cut around THE MEAT. OKAY. JUST STRETCH

IT OUT.

PICK OUT A PLUG AND RIGHT THERE. JUST

LIKE A DEER. WE GOT TO WIGGLE IT JUST A

LITTLE BIT. That's it. YOU FEEL THAT?

YEAH. YEAH.

YOU ARE BACK. [screaming] I LOVE YOU

GUYS.

STOP HUMMING THAT SONG.

I can hum if I want to. I know you can.

I'm asking you to stop. Well, if you're

asking, then I'll stop. Thank you.

Could you not smile like that?

Now you're asking me to mask my emotions

because of how it makes you feel, that I

will not do.

Hm. Hm.

Seriously. Stop humming.

Okay? This isn't accounting or whatever

the hell you and your little pocket

calculator were transferred from.

Forensic accounting.

Okay, and it's an important part of the

job.

>> Yeah, whatever. Stop being so overtly

happy about doing [ __ ] work, you [ __ ]

Hey guys, reminder, the police union

picnic's coming up this weekend.

Uh my wife's making her famous deviled

eggs again. My waistline's furious. It's

a bad time, Bob.

All right.

I'm going to get a slice.

You know what I just did?

I just walked out that door so a couple

detectives know I was about to start

badmouthing you behind your back, but I

stopped myself because my pops taught me

that a man who talks behind somebody's

back is a coward. Wow, I actually

appreciate that.

>> Good, cuz I'm going to tell you directly

to your face.

>> No, you don't have to. No, I don't like

you.

I think you're a fake cop. The sound of

your piss hitting the urinal, it sounds

feminine.

If we were in the wild,

I would attack you.

Even if you weren't in my food chain, I

would go out of my way to attack you. If

I were a lion and you were a tuna, I

would swim out in the middle of the

ocean and freaking eat you. And then I'd

bang your tuna girlfriend.

Okay. First off, a lion

swimming in the ocean? Lions don't like

water. If you'd placed it near a river

or some sort of fresh water source, that

makes sense. But you find yourself in

the ocean, 20-ft waves, I'm assuming

it's off the coast of South Africa,

coming up against a full-grown 800-lb

tuna with his 20 or 30 friends, you lose

that battle. You lose that battle nine

times out of 10.

And guess what? You've wandered into our

school of tuna, and we now have a taste

of lion. We've talked to ourselves.

We've communicated and said, "YOU KNOW

WHAT? LION tastes good. Let's go get

some more lion." We've developed a

system to establish a beachhead and

aggressively hunt you and your family.

And we will corner your your pride, your

children, your offspring.

>> We will construct a series of breathing

apparatus with kelp. We'll be able to

trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not

going to be days at a time, but hour,

hour 45, no problem. That will give us

enough time to figure out where you

live, go back to the sea, get more

oxygen, and then stalk you. You just

lost to your own game. You're outgunned

and outmanned.

Did that go the way you thought it was

going to go?

Nope.

OW!

>> [screaming]

>> OW!

OW!

OW!

FIRE DEPARTMENT SAID IT WAS A GAS LEAK,

BUT NO WAY. THAT was timed.

They didn't want to kill us, but they

wanted to scare us. Yeah, well they

succeeded, okay?

I'm tired of this.

Right?

Tired of explosions and people pointing

guns at me. I want to go back to my

desk.

Guess what? Life gets loud sometimes and

messes with your ears. You can't escape

it by hiding at your desk for your whole

life.

>> You know what? Yes, you can. I've done

it for years, okay? There's no

explosions at my desk.

There's no EXPLOSIONS AT AT MY home with

my plain wife in my plain house.

Who are you afraid of, man?

I'm your partner, you can tell me. What

the hell are you hiding from?

I was a sophomore in college.

The university I went to decided they

needed to raise tuition.

Classmate of mine, Brenda,

in an effort to raise money and

and stay in school, came up with a nifty

plan where she

she thought she'd date guys and and

charge them money. I go on dates all the

time with a whole bunch of, you know,

boys and stuff. And I kind of need

somebody to help me out. Like, you know,

my partner in crime. Yeah, I could make

a I could make a schedule. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. That's what I was thinking.

[music]

>> Provide transportation services.

>> Yeah, yeah.

It'd be a good time. Thanks so much for

having

>> she needed my help to make sure that the

dates went okay and that the

the guys paid her.

She said she'd give me a percentage.

Oh my god, you were a pimp. What? God,

no.

No, I was just trying to help a friend.

We started making a lot of money.

And wouldn't you know it, some of

Brenda's girlfriends

decided they wanted to be a part of it.

Pretty soon there were about 14 ladies

that I was protecting while they gave me

money.

That's called a stable horse.

We decided I shouldn't use my real name.

So we came up with the name Gator.

Telling you you were a pimp. No. Are you

even listening to the story?

Anyway, one day I wake up and I look in

the mirror and I don't like what I see.

I mean, I I had gotten out of control

and I I didn't even realize it.

Can't have a conscience in the pimp

game.

One night, two of my favorite girls,

Candy and Jolene, said we got to take

you in. They dropped me off at the

emergency room.

That's where I met Sheila. I was a mess.

I made a promise to myself and to her

that I would never get out of control

again.

So as soon as I graduated from college,

I became an accountant for the police

department.

The most stable job I could think of.

An accountant for law and order.

I just don't want to ever feel out of

control like that ever again.

Don't worry.

I got your back.

Why don't we go get Nerushan's grill and

see if he cracks? Tired of all this

tippy-toeing around. Okay.

Okay, open your eyes.

Whoa.

See that black smudge right there on the

blade? Yeah.

Look at it closely. Pretty recognizable

signature. You know, Randy Jackson

[music]

from American Idol. Why do you have

Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial

arts weapon? Cuz I bumped into him and

all I had on me was this samurai sword,

and you're not going to not get Randy

Jackson's autograph, right?

I would've done the exact same thing.

Now,

do you want to see something really

cool? Of course.

Turn off the lights.

Industrial-strength

night vision goggles. Holy Santa Claus

[ __ ]

Can you imagine if we had these when we

were 12? Even better. We got them when

we're 40.

You know what's amazing?

They're not that noticeable on your

face. RIGHT? YEAH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE BEEN LIVING here

for 2 weeks

and I'm walking around this place

thinking I've got a huge doosher for a

stepbrother.

Secretly, you're not a doosher.

Let's play a game, all right?

On the count of three, name your

favorite dinosaur. Don't even think

about it, just name it. Ready? 1 2 3.

Velociraptor.

Favorite non-pornographic magazine to

masturbate to.

Good Housekeeping.

If you were a chick, who's the one guy

you'd sleep with? JOHN STAMOS.

WHAT? DID WE JUST BECOME BEST YEP.

MR. DOBACK.

OKAY, Dale and I were just

>> me Mr. Doback. Sorry.

Okay, Mom.

Doback.

We

think it would be very prudent Can we

turn our beds into bunk beds? Yes.

Why are you guys so sweaty? All right,

we've already figured out how to do

this. The beds match up perfectly. And

here's the thing, it'll give us SO MUCH

EXTRA SPACE IN OUR room to do

activities.

>> Please say yes.

>> You don't need permission from us to

build bunk beds. You're adults. You can

do what you want. So

I'm not making myself clear.

I don't give a [ __ ] Now, you both have

several interviews tomorrow. I would

think you'd be focused on that and not

building bunk beds.

So [snorts]

we can? No?

Yes.

Yes, you can make bunk beds. I knew it.

Okay, you guys are not going to regret

this. We're going to get so much more

activities done. This is the FUNNEST

NIGHT EVER.

>> [laughter]

>> THIS IS SO SCARY.

>> [snorts]

>> How you doing over there?

Really good.

Okay.

Does your son know anything about

carpentry?

>> No, not any not any

Did I hear a drill?

Dale! Power tools. Dale, no power tools.

OH, WHAT? NO POWER TOOLS. You know what?

I forgot I HAVE TO BRUSH MY TEETH. That

is not your toothbrush. Oh, okay. Well,

I'm almost done anyway. We did it. We

did it. IT LOOKS AMAZING.

>> LOOK AT THAT.

THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU WHAT YOU WOULD BUY

FROM A STORE. You should've been a

>> Look at all the storage space.

So much

>> aerobics in here. So many activities.

Do you step class? Speaking of my head

spinning on the activities we can do.

Play army men?

No.

This is how we do it.

Hey, I never asked you. YEAH. YOU LIKE

BOCCE BALL?

OH!

>> [screaming]

>> RUN!

OH GOD!

RUN!

RUN!

>> [singing]

[singing]

[singing]

>> BOATS AND HOES.

BOATS AND HOES.

>> [singing]

[singing]

[music]

[singing]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[singing]

>> Four minutes. The ones that match the

seats and kind of went WITH THE

I TRAVELED 500 MILES TO GIVE YOU MY

SEAT. Remember Jack?

>> [screaming]

[singing]

[singing and music]

[music]

[music]

>> Rock that [ __ ] out of those front seats.

I'm sorry.

>> [music]

[music]

[music and screaming]

[cheering]

[music]

[cheering]

[cheering]

[applause]

>> FOR PRESTIGE WORLDWIDE. PRESTIGE

WORLDWIDE. [cheering]

[ __ ] CATALINA Wine Mixer.

>> [applause]

>> It's the [ __ ] Catalina Wine Mixer.

>> [music]