Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm Rachel Pegram.

I don't know if you can see this,

but my hands are completely covered.

They say, "You not gonna use your fingers today, bitch."

(upbeat music)

(Rachel meowing) (crew laughing)

- [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

- That's messed up, you guys. (crew laughing)

- [Vic] This is "Very Important People."

- Oh, oh, oh, oh.

(Rachel squealing)

Oh my god!

Ah! The teeth are crazy! They're so tiny!

(high pitched sounds)

Ah! The titties!

I have so many little titties!

This is beautiful.

Boo. (laughing)

You know, she's kind of a thot.

A wolf with some body-ody-ody. I could do a little of this.

(Rachel grunting)

Ah!

Ooh! That's a deep squat.

Whoa. What's up?

You think you're tougher to me?

You're not. I'll kill you.

I won't. No, I'm actually pretty chill.

Boom. Boom.

Little man,

you can't handle me if you freaking tried.

(mocking laughter)

I got too much titty for you, bitch!

(crew laughing) (Rachel meowing)

(Rachel growling)

(bright music)

(bright music fades out)

(sand crunching)

(sand crunching continues)

- We all have a story to tell

and sometimes those stories

need to be shared with the world.

Good evening. I'm Vic Michaelis.

Back with another edition of "Very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

- Diamond.

(dramatic music)

- Diamond, we are so thrilled to have you here today.

- You better be. - Okay.

- [Diamond] Get ready.

- I am. - Are you?

- [Vic] Yes. - [Diamond] You're sitting.

- Of course. - I didn't tell you

to stand up.

Sit down. - Okay. Sorry.

- Why are you listening to me even?

- So I should be standing?

- I don't know. What do you wanna do?

What do you wanna do?

- I love this. I actually requested that you be here today.

- Oh, thank you so much. - [Vic] Because I found

your TikTok page. - [Diamond] Yeah.

- How did you get on this self-improvement journey?

- I came outta my mother's womb kicking, scratching.

I killed her.

- Huh? - I killed my mother.

- Really? - And then I made sure

those other bitches stayed inside.

It's only one getting out. And that's Diamond.

- So you killed your mom

and then sewed your siblings inside her dead body?

- My dad didn't wanna be involved in my life.

Didn't need him anyways.

- Did he not wanna be involved in your life

'cause he saw you kill your mother and your siblings?

- Are you judging me? - No.

- Thank you. - I love this, can I say?

I think this is awesome. Can I get an apple box?

- Can someone get Vic a apple box? Get them an apple box.

Please. - And thank you.

Thank you. And I love it. - [Diamond] Thank you.

- And thank you.

- Get up there.

Don't be scared.

That's nice. Show off that shoe.

- [Vic] Do you think?

- [Diamond] That's a good shoe.

- I got it from Macy's in the sale section.

- I used to work at a Macy's.

- But you're so confident, you can't be working in a Macy's.

- Yeah, they kicked me out. I said, "This place is a dump.

You got clothes all over the place. What's going on?"

- So you've always been this confident?

- Ever since the day I was born.

I once thought I was about to cry.

(Diamond gasping)

Sucked it back in, "No you don't!"

- Okay, so this is excellent information

'cause my therapist is like, "You should be accessing

your emotions more."

- Access? Emotions? Lock 'em up.

Do you know where the key is?

- Honestly, there's something about your confidence

that is making me feel sort of like I can do anything.

- What do you wanna do?

- I wanna kick the chair.

- Kick it.

(shoe thuds)

That was it? - Well, how would you do it?

(chair thuds)

- Come on, Vic. Kick it!

Not with the heel. With the foot.

Go.

(Diamond and Vic squealing)

Do you feel alive? - Yes!

- You feel like you're ready to do something?

- Oh my God, yes! - Yeah.

- I feel like I've got so much adrenaline

coursing through my veins.

- Yeah, you're ready to rock. You're ready to roll.

- I just wanna know a little bit more about you,

Diamond, the

person, cat, wolf?

- Wolf woman.

- Diamond the wolf woman. - Yes.

- I wanna dive in there. I wanna see what's inside.

- Yes. - Sort of like your siblings

inside your mom, I wanna roll around in there, okay?

- Yeah. - [Vic] Let's sit down

and let's get down to it.

- [Diamond] Now Vic, here's what I can tell you about me

and where I'm from. - Mm-hmm.

- [Diamond] I started doing my videos

because I realized that people don't really feel

what I feel inside.

- And what is that?

- It's a burning rage of excitement. It's a zest for life.

- It was kind of a miracle that I found you

because the views are low.

I'm sort of looking, if we look at this video,

500 views- - Yeah.

- We go to the next one, 300 views.

- Right. - We go to the next one,

1.2 million views.

But it seems like it's 'cause you were doing something

with slime.

And so that just sort of like maybe hit a market.

- I haven't found my people, but I know that they're there.

- Maybe you have.

- Did- - Sorry.

- [Diamond] Were you trying- - And I went out.

- Was that a- - Maybe you have.

- 'Cause you watch and you're feeling the confidence,

you're feeling the heat.

- Yeah, so I've decided that I'm gonna help you

by helping you reach your audience.

- Thank you.

- And part of how I'm gonna do that

is we have something called The Chomsky's Viral Moment.

So if we can fly in the wheel.

(bright music)

So what we're gonna do is we're gonna spin the wheel

and then we're gonna do the viral challenge.

And hopefully it's gonna help you find your audience.

- All right. Let's do it.

- Okay. Are you ready? (bright music)

Oh! - Uh-huh. It's right.

(wheel whirring) (bright music)

- [Vic] Oh. PayPig. - PayPig?

- Okay, that's easy.

My therapist is just gonna Venmo us $1,000.

- [Diamond] Okay.

- [Vic] Next one. Are you ready?

Three, two, one.

(wheel whirring) (bright music)

Oh, saltines!

- Oh. - [Vic] This one's so fun.

We're gonna eat as many saltine crackers as we can.

And then we're gonna try and say a tongue twister.

- Do you like saltines? - No.

Do you have a tongue twister lined up?

- She's got it, she's got it, she's got it, she's got it.

- Is that tongue twister?

- That's a tongue twister.

- Well, we'll say that one then.

- [Diamond] She got it. - Okay. Ready?

- Uh-huh. - [Vic] Okay.

(saltines crunching)

Oh okay. - Who got it?

(Vic says something through the saltines) - You got it. You got it.

You got it. You got it. (Vic making muffled noises)

(coughs) They're real dusty!

(muffled) - That's gonna clip so nicely.

- Yeah, they're gonna like it online I think.

- And thank you. And I appreciate you.

Hey look at me. - Oh, thank you so much.

- Look at me for one sec. I wanna say I appreciate you.

And I wanted to say that I think

you are a star and I am the sun.

We are two stars, but distinctly different.

Unique in our differences, but alike in our similarities.

Thank you.

- Hey, you doing too much.

- What do you mean?

- You can just say thank you. - [Vic] Yeah.

- Were you saying the tongue twister?

- Well, yeah, I said it a bunch.

Oh, we've got a broom, and we're-

- Thank you.

- We're sort of cleaning. Thank you.

- That's nice of you.

- Thank you. That was nice of you.

- You just said what I said.

- Well, I had an individual's- - What's her name?

- At the same time.

Hmm? - What's her name?

- Um... (door closes)

No, it's not like that here.

(crew laughing) - What does that mean?

(Vic laughing)

(test beep) (bright music)

"It's not like that here"?

- Let's do one more wheel spin. How does that sound?

- Okay. - [Vic] Okay.

(wheel whirring) (bright music)

Ooh, trick shot!

So we're gonna get a cup and we're gonna get a bunch of pens

and what we're gonna do is we're gonna throw the pens

at the cup and we're each gonna say like,

"Oh, if this one gets in,

then you're gonna buy me a hamburger."

And then if you get it in, then we have to do that.

- Oh. Okay. - Does that make sense?

- All right. - Thank you so much.

These get like millions of views online.

- So I'm gonna find my people with this?

- [Vic] I really think so.

- If this goes in, you gotta buy me a car.

- Okay, well, you know.

(pens thudding)

- Can I try again? - So close. I'll go next.

- Oh it's your turn.

- If this goes in, you have to say,

"I enjoy spending time with you."

(pen and cup thud)

- [Diamond] Uh-oh. - So close. Okay, so.

- Oh, you want- - No, I got it. I got it.

- [Diamond] Okay. Okay.

If this goes in, you gotta give me a yacht.

- What? how rich do you think I am?

- You got this show.

You told me you got three, four, five, six, seven seasons.

- So each episode, just sort of as the way

that my deal is structured right now, I pay $700.

- You don't wanna buy me a yacht,

you don't wanna buy me a car.

I come in here, respectfully, stand on a couple apple boxes,

try to give you some confidence.

And then, and then, and then,

this the way you have the nerve to treat me?

To treat your people?

These people come here every day.

- I give them weekends.

- Only the weekend? That's all they got?

If I get this in, you gonna give me a yacht and a house.

- [Vic] What? - [Diamond] Ah! Oops.

- Okay. Thank god. - Too hard.

- I'm in. So thank god.

And then if I get this in, the game is over.

- If I get this in, I get your house.

- What? Well jokes on you.

I live in a guesthouse right now, so.

I live in a guesthouse. - Guesthouse? That's okay.

That's better than what I got.

- What do you got? - A cave.

- You live in a cave? - I've been living in a cave.

I went back to my roots. I'm just trying to find me again.

- Hey, this is really interesting actually,

'cause I feel like you've got such a confident exterior

and deep down you're trying to find yourself too.

- I've left me. But I wanna walk back into me.

And I wanna say, "You got this, Diamond.

You the biggest, brightest diamond in the sky

and there's nowhere that you can't fly.

And there's nowhere that you can't hide.

And as long as you got your fur on your side, you can ride."

- Now that's not the only poetry you do.

I noticed on your channel you do a lot of spoken word.

- I sure do.

- Can we take a look maybe

at one of your other poems?

Is that all right? - Uh-huh.

Go ahead, roll it. - Let's go ahead.

- You might have been born a rock, but you are a diamond.

Don't let someone who's a little pebble,

little pebble

tell you that you're not a diamond.

- I mean, it's such beautiful words

accompanied by such provocative dancing.

- You gotta shake ass a little.

- Sure. - You ever shake it?

- Shake my- - Yeah. Shake your ass?

- My butt? No, it doesn't really move.

- You can't toil it around, shake it in a circle,

throw it back, throw it forward?

- No. Can you? - [Diamond] You wanna know

how to throw it forward?

- I would love if you would show me.

- Stand up. On your feet.

- Okay. - No, get up there.

Get tall. - [Vic] Okay.

- Get big. Get loud.

- Ah. - That's not loud enough.

- Ah. - Louder!

- Ah! - Open your mouth bigger.

- Oh!

- Why is your mouth so small? - Huh?

(Diamond and Vic shouting)

- Yeah! - Okay.

- Bend your knees. Lower, lower.

There we go! That's good!

And now poke it back. Toss it back.

Toss it back. There it is.

Bring it forward. But just the butt, not the knees.

- Um, it's all connected.

- Okay. Find the beat, find the beat.

Find a beat. Where is it?

Five, six, seven, eight. And go. (imitates music)

? It's Vic time and it's time to throw it back ?

? Let your ass out. Throw it back ?

? and then throw it forward ?

? Circle it around. Circle it around ?

? And take it to town and bring it down ?

Low, low, low. Bend your knees.

Bend your knees. That's pretty good.

- [Vic] Do you mean that? - That's pretty good.

- I feel empowered. I feel amazing.

And I'd love to ask you a couple of Rapid Fire Questions

if that's okay? - Let's do it.

(bright music)

- Okay. A few questions for you.

Do you like to pull pranks?

We do a lot of pranks on the set. Everybody loves it.

- Yeah. I like pranks, so long as I win.

- Okay. What would you do if you won the lottery?

This is so funny,

'cause actually we have a crew lottery here.

We all go in on lottery tickets and we won one time.

- How does that work?

- It's that sort of thing where,

normally it's just the crew. - [Diamond] Yeah.

- And I didn't buy a ticket that time,

but we said we'd all split it equally.

- But you're in it too?

- Well yeah, 'cause we're all a family here.

We're one big family. - Family?

- Yeah.

- These people got lives to live. Mouths to feed.

- But I don't know if they-

- And now they're in the lottery with you, fat cat?

Sitting at the top of the heap, Scrooge McDuck,

on the top of the coins.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's what you're doing.

- I'm sorry.

- [Diamond] And they're sitting at the bottom

and it's like, "You can't eat coins for dinner.

But you need 'em to buy bread."

- Right. Okay, that was really beautiful.

Oh. - Are y'all getting paid?

- They're getting paid.

- Are y'all getting paid?

- [Vic] They're getting paid.

- They just looked to the side.

- [Vic] No, they didn't. - He just shook his head.

- Well, here's the thing, is we're a family

and sometimes families- - [Diamond] A family?

- Gets paid and sometimes families are interns.

- Work isn't family. That's a tool of capitalism.

Who are you on the side of? The oppressor or the oppressed?

We are the oppressed! Look, they're standing up!

- Yeah. We're the oppressed. - Where do you stand?

Stand up. - [Vic] Me too.

- There are people beginning to stand.

- [Vic] Yes. - Already standing.

- Why don't we just move on to the next question?

- Oh, you wanna ask more questions?

- What's something- - I got a question for you.

How do you sleep at night?

- Again, I'm sort of in a guesthouse right now.

And so, it's a twin blowup mattress.

- Oh, so comfortably? And well?

I guess I'll sit back down.

- Something I ask all my guests,

and that is what is the meaning of life?

- The meaning of life is water. Water can be in many forms.

- Sure.

- [Diamond] It's a liquid. - Mm-hmm.

- It's a gas. - Yeah.

- And it's a solid. Water adapts wherever it may be.

- Mm-hmm. - And water can survive

even in the most cramped, dire,

oppressive, and dry spaces.

- I am water.

- You are not water, Vic. I'm sorry to say.

I thought you might be. But you know what is water?

- What?

- Every single goddamn one of these crew members is water.

That's H2O.

They connect together and they make this thing possible.

You've been running for 10, 15 seasons

and you ain't paid them any better since the beginning.

I asked them.

- I actually don't know how much they're getting paid..

- I asked them! It was $1 first season.

That's what someone told me.

And they said the only increase they've had

is $2.75.

- Who said that? - In 15, 20 years

of doing this show?

- Listen, again, I'm not a producer.

I'm not actually in charge of paychecks.

- You're not a producer? Well, what are you?

- I'm the host. - Who are you?

- I'm Vic. I'm the host.

- Vic, you're the host? - Yes.

- The host of what? - The show.

- This show? - Yes.

- You're the host? - I'm the host.

- And that's all you do? - That's all I do.

- You're not the producer? - I'm not the producer.

- Then what are you? - The host.

- I'm just

A wolf woman.

- Sure.

- But I believe in change.

- You know what? We all got a little heated.

And I think if we just take a minute and we smile,

I think that that is really gonna help.

- Here's what they need. - Okay?

- If you do this one simple thing.

Buy everybody in here a new car.

Every single crew member, including myself,

I'll squash it.

- Am I gonna get everyone a new car?

- Yes. - No.

But, - What?

- I'm gonna have you drive away

with this piece of advice.

Dress for the job you want.

I'm seeing a lot of T-shirts in here.

And if we put on a button-up shirt,

I think we're gonna feel like it's more of a workplace.

You know what I mean?

And I think that that's gonna make us all more efficient.

And then we get out of here

maybe 10, 15, eight minutes earlier each day.

- How about this? You buy everybody in here 10 button downs.

- 10 button-down shirts?

- 10 button downs from Bloomingdale's

or an equivalent kind of department store.

- Okay, how about this? How about this?

How about we button down some of the truths

about a toxic workplace?

Honestly, a toxic workplace is just a place

that hasn't been cleaned in a little bit.

We're gonna have a cleaning crew come in this weekend.

And so this place is gonna be a little bit more vacuumed

when we come in on Monday.

How does that sound? - [Diamond] Cleaning crew?

How are they getting paid?

- The cleaning crew? - [Diamond] Yeah.

What about their houses?

Don't you think the crew's houses deserve to be clean?

Why don't you send the cleaning crew to their houses?

Wouldn't you like to have a nice clean home?

- Wasn't it nice to have an activity at home?

- Why are you standing so close to me, Vic?

- Sorry. And it's just, you know, and-

- You don't know me like that.

- Yeah, you want personal space. And I get that.

Personal space is important and I listen and I respect

what people are asking for.

That's a big thing that I'm working on right now

with my therapist.

Wave, Alex. Wave.

How about this? Free session with my therapist.

- Nuh-uh. No therapist. - For everyone.

- We don't need therapists. We need money.

We need change. We need button downs.

And we need cars.

And we need a yacht. (crew members clapping)

And we need your house. We need your house, Vic.

Let's get it going. (crew applauding)

- [Vic] No.

- Are we walking out or what?

- [Vic] Yeah! - Are we walking out or what?

- Yeah, let's do it!

- Vic, you're staying here! No! No fat cats!

- [Vic] Okay. (Diamond growling)

(Vic growling)

- No! Let's go! (crew continues applauding)

Let's get outta here!

(crew cheering) Get to walking!

I don't know how to leave here, but we gonna leave!

- [Vic] Okay. - [Diamond] Yeah! Yeah!

Goodbye Vic! Goodbye forever!

This show is done until we get our rights.

Do you guys like rights? You took those bananas.

That's smart. That's smart.

Y'all should steal more! Take things from the set!

Take that. That's Benadryl, that's good.

Take those call sheets. They don't need 'em anymore.

Show's over! No! Ah! Ah!

- Wait, I'm just saying, let me try. Just let me try.

Hold on. Hold on.

- [Diamond] No!

(crew cheering and applauding)

- I'll catch up with them.

Okay, well, sleepover on the set again tonight, I guess.

No place like home, right?

And that's all the time we have for tonight.

Be true to yourself. Unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Good night.

(test beep)

- Vic, I'm going to need you to again verbalize

the definition of the word "boundaries."

- Pass.

- [Alex] No, you can't pass.

- Line.

- There's no line. - [Vic] Okay.

- Don't think about the right or wrong answer.

This is real life. This is you.

- You're so smart. What are you doing after this?

- Again, the boundaries are so important here. Okay?

- Right. Okay. - And you're pushing at them.

I see you pushing at them.

- Mm-hmm. - [Alex] Okay.

Just define "boundary."

- And I can't call for a line?

- You cannot call for a line.

- What do you mean?

In the real world, I'm on the show

and I can call for a line. And they can tell me-

- That's the show. - [Vic] What to say.

- I think this is the whole problem, right?

There there are two Vics here.

There's the host and then there's the real Vic

who's like trapped in a cage trying to get out

and they can't get out.

Host Vic won't let real Vic out.

- You like 6'2"?

- [Alex] Me? - Yeah.

- 6'1". But whatever you're doing, don't do it.

- Okay.

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