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1
00:00:00,803 --> 00:00:03,304
guy who
does nothing but bad things,
2
00:00:03,372 --> 00:00:05,473
and then wonders
why his life sucks?
3
00:00:05,541 --> 00:00:07,609
Well, that was me. Every time
something good happened to me,
4
00:00:07,676 --> 00:00:09,611
something bad was waiting
around the corner.
5
00:00:09,678 --> 00:00:11,613
but then while I was laid up,
6
00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:13,448
I learned about a thing
called Karma
7
00:00:13,516 --> 00:00:14,849
from watching Carson Daly.
8
00:00:14,917 --> 00:00:16,150
So, I made a list
9
00:00:16,218 --> 00:00:17,652
of all the rotten things
I've done,
10
00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:19,354
and one by one,
I'm gonna make up for 'em.
11
00:00:19,421 --> 00:00:20,855
I'm just trying
to be a better person.
12
00:00:24,894 --> 00:00:27,095
EARL:
After Joy, Darnell and the boys
were snatched
13
00:00:27,162 --> 00:00:28,463
by the Witness Protection
Program,
14
00:00:28,531 --> 00:00:31,232
me and Randy took advantage
of the free rent,
15
00:00:31,300 --> 00:00:32,700
and moved back to the trailer.
16
00:00:32,768 --> 00:00:34,669
I think we should
have left the plastic.
17
00:00:34,737 --> 00:00:36,971
You know, so we wouldn't have
to get up to go pee.
18
00:00:37,039 --> 00:00:38,506
Like Mom and Dad did
with my bed.
19
00:00:38,574 --> 00:00:41,276
Randy, they put that plastic on
because you peed the bed,
20
00:00:41,343 --> 00:00:43,111
not so you could pee the bed.
21
00:00:43,179 --> 00:00:44,179
Chicken and the egg, Earl.
22
00:00:44,246 --> 00:00:45,513
Chicken and the egg.
23
00:00:45,581 --> 00:00:48,216
Your mail was finally
released from police evidence,
24
00:00:48,284 --> 00:00:50,318
but they still haven't
caught that mailbox sniper.
25
00:00:50,386 --> 00:00:53,321
(whispering):
It's one of the girls
at Club Chubby.
26
00:00:54,256 --> 00:00:55,924
"Happy Presidents' Day,
27
00:00:55,991 --> 00:00:58,226
and congrats again
on freeing the slaves."
28
00:00:58,294 --> 00:00:59,827
EARL:
It's from
our Great Aunt Leela.
29
00:00:59,895 --> 00:01:03,198
Ten years ago, she started
thinking Randy was Abe Lincoln.
30
00:01:03,265 --> 00:01:05,834
Now she sends him a gift
every Presidents' Day.
31
00:01:05,901 --> 00:01:07,168
Awesome! A Lotto ticket!
32
00:01:07,236 --> 00:01:08,736
Scratchers are
fun, 'cause even
33
00:01:08,804 --> 00:01:10,672
if you don't win
anything, you still get
34
00:01:10,739 --> 00:01:12,907
to eat all the silver
candy you scratched off.
35
00:01:22,585 --> 00:01:24,586
I won!
36
00:01:24,653 --> 00:01:26,721
(whooping)
I'm rich!
37
00:01:26,789 --> 00:01:27,889
(whooping)
38
00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:29,057
I'm rich!
39
00:01:29,124 --> 00:01:30,592
I'm rich!
40
00:01:30,659 --> 00:01:31,860
(whooping)
I'm rich.
41
00:01:31,927 --> 00:01:34,262
(Randy shouts,
bicycle bell dings)
42
00:01:34,330 --> 00:01:36,164
(grunts and gasps)
43
00:01:36,232 --> 00:01:37,732
(groaning)
44
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,234
(dog barking)
45
00:01:39,301 --> 00:01:41,069
Randy, are you okay?
46
00:01:41,136 --> 00:01:44,105
Karma hit me, Earl,
just like you.
47
00:01:44,173 --> 00:01:45,673
I never should
have scratched
48
00:01:45,741 --> 00:01:47,408
that ticket.
49
00:01:47,476 --> 00:01:49,878
(mumbles)
50
00:01:49,945 --> 00:01:52,380
(wind whistling)
51
00:01:53,415 --> 00:01:55,350
I'll be damned.
52
00:01:55,417 --> 00:01:58,186
While Karma was turning
Randy's life upside down,
53
00:01:58,254 --> 00:02:00,121
the FBI was doing
the same thing
54
00:02:00,189 --> 00:02:01,356
to Joy and Darnell.
55
00:02:01,423 --> 00:02:03,491
Where the hell
are you taking us?
56
00:02:03,559 --> 00:02:05,460
Well, thanks
to your little stunt,
57
00:02:05,528 --> 00:02:07,629
on the Estrada or Nada,
we are now forced
58
00:02:07,696 --> 00:02:09,197
to terminate your identities.
59
00:02:09,265 --> 00:02:11,699
You're no longer Phyllis
and Marty Rosenstein.
60
00:02:11,767 --> 00:02:13,234
And we're no
longer taking you
61
00:02:13,302 --> 00:02:15,270
to Cincinnati's
Little Israel district.
62
00:02:15,337 --> 00:02:16,437
Thank God!
63
00:02:16,505 --> 00:02:18,206
(sighs)
The thought of cooking
64
00:02:18,274 --> 00:02:19,274
my first
Passover Seder
65
00:02:19,341 --> 00:02:21,276
was giving me all kinds
of Shpilkiss.
66
00:02:21,343 --> 00:02:23,044
By the way, I'm big
67
00:02:23,112 --> 00:02:24,312
into slow jams.
68
00:02:24,380 --> 00:02:26,381
Getting chickward
just listening to 'em.
69
00:02:26,448 --> 00:02:28,583
Baby, this is
serious business.
70
00:02:28,651 --> 00:02:30,718
Look, we're sorry for causing
you inconvenience and whatnot,
71
00:02:30,786 --> 00:02:32,053
but my grateful
wife and I
72
00:02:32,121 --> 00:02:35,089
are happy to do or be
whatever you say. Right, baby?
73
00:02:35,157 --> 00:02:36,291
I have told you.
74
00:02:36,358 --> 00:02:38,293
I want my name
to be Goldie Crystal.
75
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:40,495
I want to live somewhere
with skyscrapers
76
00:02:40,563 --> 00:02:41,663
and Cosmopolitans
77
00:02:41,730 --> 00:02:43,431
and gay men
who are your best friends.
78
00:02:43,499 --> 00:02:44,766
What is so hard about that?
79
00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:46,100
(door slamming)
80
00:02:46,168 --> 00:02:48,503
Welcome to New York.
81
00:02:48,571 --> 00:02:50,538
This place is a dump.
82
00:02:50,606 --> 00:02:52,607
Goldie Crystal
wouldn't live here.
83
00:02:52,675 --> 00:02:53,875
She doesn't.
84
00:02:53,943 --> 00:02:57,178
Your new name's are
Lorba and Wilma Grunelbutt.
85
00:02:57,246 --> 00:02:58,279
It's not that bad.
86
00:02:59,915 --> 00:03:02,517
(rattling)
87
00:03:13,229 --> 00:03:15,797
Hey, there's
an unexpected perk.
88
00:03:15,865 --> 00:03:17,098
Whenever the train
comes through,
89
00:03:17,166 --> 00:03:19,968
we can lay on the floor
and get a free massage.
90
00:03:20,035 --> 00:03:21,603
(train whistle blowing)
91
00:03:21,670 --> 00:03:24,939
(shouting):
We're gonna be so relaxed!
92
00:03:25,007 --> 00:03:27,709
EARL:
While Joy was upset
about her new life,
93
00:03:27,776 --> 00:03:29,878
Randy was excited to start his.
94
00:03:29,945 --> 00:03:31,479
Here, Randy.
95
00:03:31,547 --> 00:03:34,115
To make you feel better,
I made some Space Beer.
96
00:03:34,183 --> 00:03:35,350
Just don't chug it.
97
00:03:35,417 --> 00:03:37,185
I used the last
of the Tang.
98
00:03:37,253 --> 00:03:38,486
No time for Space Beer!
99
00:03:38,554 --> 00:03:39,854
I'm watching Carson Daly
100
00:03:39,922 --> 00:03:42,724
so he can tell me what
Karma wants me to do.
101
00:03:42,791 --> 00:03:44,259
So, this whole thing is crazy
102
00:03:44,326 --> 00:03:45,527
with the celebrity
baby pictures...
103
00:03:45,594 --> 00:03:47,395
Did I do something
to a celebrity?
104
00:03:47,463 --> 00:03:50,164
Or babies? Or a picture?
105
00:03:50,232 --> 00:03:52,167
The money is gigantic
for the exclusive...
106
00:03:52,234 --> 00:03:53,668
I've done stuff
to pictures, Earl.
107
00:03:53,736 --> 00:03:54,836
Bad stuff.
108
00:03:54,904 --> 00:03:56,838
Okay, this is nuts.
109
00:03:56,906 --> 00:03:59,374
Not everything Carson Daly says
is a message from Karma.
110
00:03:59,441 --> 00:04:02,343
Or if it is, it's probably
not for you. It's for me.
111
00:04:02,411 --> 00:04:04,078
Oh, so you own Karma?
112
00:04:04,146 --> 00:04:07,515
Look, Carson Daly's on
national television.
113
00:04:07,583 --> 00:04:09,450
He's talking to hundreds
of people, Earl,
114
00:04:09,518 --> 00:04:12,353
and one of them's me, except
when I'm being interrupted.
115
00:04:12,421 --> 00:04:13,922
...controversial comedians
working today, as well.
116
00:04:13,989 --> 00:04:15,490
Andrew Dice Clay.
117
00:04:15,558 --> 00:04:17,425
Dice Clay! That's the list item.
118
00:04:17,493 --> 00:04:19,894
I told you
Karma was talking to me.
119
00:04:24,466 --> 00:04:27,068
This is where I kept stuff
when we lived here.
120
00:04:27,136 --> 00:04:28,369
For a while,
it's where I hid
121
00:04:28,437 --> 00:04:30,271
dollar bills,
until someone found out
122
00:04:30,339 --> 00:04:32,874
and started replacing them
with little green balls of goo.
123
00:04:32,942 --> 00:04:34,108
(metallic clinking)
124
00:04:35,644 --> 00:04:37,679
It's your Andrew Dice Clay
belt buckle.
125
00:04:37,746 --> 00:04:38,847
What the hell?
126
00:04:38,914 --> 00:04:40,582
I thought
that guy Zeke stole this.
127
00:04:40,649 --> 00:04:42,016
A few years back,
128
00:04:42,084 --> 00:04:44,752
when me and Randy first lived
in the trailer park,
129
00:04:44,820 --> 00:04:47,622
and were looking for beer money
in our secret hiding place,
130
00:04:47,690 --> 00:04:51,025
we got some new neighbors,
Zeke and Arlo Cavanaugh.
131
00:04:51,093 --> 00:04:54,229
(truck doors open, then close)
132
00:04:54,296 --> 00:04:56,397
Welcome to our new
home, little brother.
133
00:04:56,465 --> 00:04:57,799
Hi, neighbor.
134
00:04:57,867 --> 00:04:59,234
Nice mustache.
135
00:04:59,301 --> 00:05:01,469
Are you Burt Reynolds' cousin?
136
00:05:01,537 --> 00:05:02,370
No.
137
00:05:02,438 --> 00:05:04,639
You should be.
138
00:05:04,707 --> 00:05:07,275
EARL:
I liked Zeke
right from the start.
139
00:05:07,343 --> 00:05:09,711
And he didn't just have
good taste in mustaches.
140
00:05:09,778 --> 00:05:13,348
He also loved doing
crazy things for free T-shirts,
141
00:05:13,415 --> 00:05:14,749
like the ones they gave away
142
00:05:14,817 --> 00:05:18,486
for drinking a glass
of Fry-o-Fat at the Crab Shack.
143
00:05:18,554 --> 00:05:21,556
CROWD (chanting):
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
144
00:05:21,624 --> 00:05:22,857
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
145
00:05:22,925 --> 00:05:25,193
Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink!
146
00:05:25,261 --> 00:05:26,461
Drink! Drink! Drink...!
147
00:05:26,529 --> 00:05:27,662
(cheering)
148
00:05:27,730 --> 00:05:28,963
Onion ring.
149
00:05:29,031 --> 00:05:31,900
And pretty soon,
me and Zeke were best friends.
150
00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:34,235
I just heard
they're giving away
151
00:05:34,303 --> 00:05:36,671
I Took A Punch
From Yukon Jack T-shirts
152
00:05:36,739 --> 00:05:38,506
down at the gas
station.
I'm in.
153
00:05:38,574 --> 00:05:39,674
Me, too. Wait.
154
00:05:39,742 --> 00:05:41,009
Let me get
Joy's camera.
155
00:05:41,076 --> 00:05:42,277
All right, let's go, buddy.
156
00:05:42,344 --> 00:05:43,745
RANDY:
I've always wanted a picture
157
00:05:43,812 --> 00:05:45,113
of me getting punched.
158
00:05:45,181 --> 00:05:47,782
But you don't usually know
when it's gonna happen.
159
00:05:47,850 --> 00:05:49,951
(whooping)
160
00:05:50,019 --> 00:05:52,053
EARL:
I didn't realize it
at the time,
161
00:05:52,121 --> 00:05:53,821
but Randy was getting jealous.
162
00:05:57,026 --> 00:05:59,527
So, he came up with a plan
to break up the friendship.
163
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:06,534
A plan that was
brilliant, complicated
164
00:06:06,602 --> 00:06:08,303
and elaborate.
165
00:06:08,370 --> 00:06:09,737
At least for Randy.
166
00:06:09,805 --> 00:06:11,272
He knew Zeke chewed tobacco,
167
00:06:11,340 --> 00:06:15,476
but he just didn't quite know
how to do it himself.
168
00:06:17,046 --> 00:06:19,314
And by the next morning,
the trap was set.
169
00:06:19,381 --> 00:06:21,115
EARL:
What the hell?!
170
00:06:22,451 --> 00:06:23,852
Randy, wake up.
171
00:06:23,919 --> 00:06:25,887
Oh, my God! What'd they steal?!
172
00:06:25,955 --> 00:06:28,957
Someone broke in and stole
my Andrew Dice Clay belt buckle.
173
00:06:29,024 --> 00:06:30,458
No!
174
00:06:30,526 --> 00:06:31,893
Look, somebody spit
tobacco everywhere
175
00:06:31,961 --> 00:06:33,361
and threw it up
176
00:06:33,429 --> 00:06:35,830
down the front of my shirt.
177
00:06:35,898 --> 00:06:38,700
You know who's going
to be really upset
178
00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:41,002
about that belt buckle
being gone-- Zeke.
179
00:06:41,070 --> 00:06:42,370
He would
chew tobacco
180
00:06:42,438 --> 00:06:46,074
and stare at that belt buckle
for hours.
181
00:06:56,752 --> 00:06:59,654
And that night,
I was so mad at Zeke,
182
00:06:59,722 --> 00:07:02,457
I decided to get back at him
by destroying the memories
183
00:07:02,525 --> 00:07:04,926
we made together, and burned
his favorite shirts.
184
00:07:07,429 --> 00:07:11,366
Well, now I have to add
Zeke Cavanaugh to my list.
185
00:07:11,433 --> 00:07:14,302
The worst part is, I have
no idea how to spell his name.
186
00:07:14,370 --> 00:07:16,337
But it was my fault.
187
00:07:16,405 --> 00:07:18,573
You never would have
burned those shirts
188
00:07:18,641 --> 00:07:19,707
if I hadn't tricked you
189
00:07:19,775 --> 00:07:21,276
by stealing your belt buckle
and stuff.
190
00:07:21,343 --> 00:07:23,211
You know what, we both
did him wrong.
191
00:07:23,279 --> 00:07:25,847
I think we should put him
on both our lists.
Awesome.
192
00:07:25,915 --> 00:07:29,350
We both got lists, we both get
to cross the same guy off,
193
00:07:29,418 --> 00:07:31,686
we both got that Jay Leno
gray patch on our pubes.
194
00:07:31,754 --> 00:07:34,889
Sometimes it's just plain good
to be a Hickey.
195
00:07:39,562 --> 00:07:42,397
EARL:
Me and Randy were making up
for the same guy on our list,
196
00:07:42,464 --> 00:07:43,831
and since this was Randy's
first time,
197
00:07:43,899 --> 00:07:46,034
I let him take the lead.
198
00:07:48,904 --> 00:07:50,238
(reading):
My name is Randy.
199
00:07:50,306 --> 00:07:52,106
His name is Earl.
200
00:07:52,174 --> 00:07:54,542
We are here to cornflake...
201
00:07:55,644 --> 00:07:57,712
Uh, it's a cornflake.
202
00:08:00,583 --> 00:08:03,117
Eventually Randy explained
about our lists,
203
00:08:03,185 --> 00:08:05,286
and Zeke invited us in.
204
00:08:05,354 --> 00:08:07,755
Man, I loved those shirts.
205
00:08:07,823 --> 00:08:10,658
You and me did some
cool stuff together
to get those shirts.
206
00:08:10,726 --> 00:08:13,561
Saw Quiet Riot in concert
at the mall.
207
00:08:13,629 --> 00:08:15,430
Signed up for an America West
credit card.
208
00:08:15,497 --> 00:08:17,265
Sang "I Got You, Babe,"
at the Crab Shack
209
00:08:17,333 --> 00:08:20,435
on guys-sing-romantic-songs-
to-each-other karaoke night.
210
00:08:20,503 --> 00:08:22,237
You know, the worst thing
that happened
211
00:08:22,304 --> 00:08:23,905
wasn't losing all my shirts.
212
00:08:23,973 --> 00:08:25,507
It was that we stopped
hanging out.
213
00:08:27,042 --> 00:08:28,877
Oh, my God, that's
my real list item.
214
00:08:28,944 --> 00:08:31,012
I need to get
you two to hang out
215
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,146
like you used to.
216
00:08:32,214 --> 00:08:33,848
You should go win
those shirts again,
217
00:08:33,916 --> 00:08:34,949
and then I'll
218
00:08:35,017 --> 00:08:36,284
cross you off my list
219
00:08:36,352 --> 00:08:38,253
and make that face
like you do.
220
00:08:39,622 --> 00:08:41,022
What do you say, Zeke?
221
00:08:41,090 --> 00:08:42,323
I'm in.
222
00:08:42,391 --> 00:08:43,791
I get my cholesterol
tested next week.
223
00:08:43,859 --> 00:08:45,927
And if I drink a glass
of fryer fat,
224
00:08:45,995 --> 00:08:47,028
my doctor will freak.
225
00:08:47,096 --> 00:08:48,029
Let's see Mr. Harvard
226
00:08:48,097 --> 00:08:50,365
try to figure that one out.
227
00:08:52,968 --> 00:08:54,502
How's it going?
228
00:08:54,570 --> 00:08:56,571
I'm watching my scabs-that-look-
like-people collection.
229
00:08:56,639 --> 00:08:57,739
Hell, yes.
230
00:08:57,806 --> 00:08:59,674
Too bad you can't.
231
00:08:59,742 --> 00:09:01,342
Which sucks for you,
232
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:02,844
'cause I just picked off
a Pam Anderson.
233
00:09:02,912 --> 00:09:05,613
Well, then I guess I won't be
showing you my mole
234
00:09:05,681 --> 00:09:07,215
that looks like Susan Sarandon.
235
00:09:09,251 --> 00:09:10,985
While Randy was stuck
with Arlo,
236
00:09:11,053 --> 00:09:14,155
Joy, Darnell and the boys
were stuck somewhere worse.
237
00:09:14,223 --> 00:09:18,593
(traffic noise)
Mommy, which side of the sink
is the toilet again?
238
00:09:18,661 --> 00:09:20,061
(fire engine siren blaring)
Left.
239
00:09:20,129 --> 00:09:21,629
And it didn't help
that their place
240
00:09:21,697 --> 00:09:23,398
was directly above
a dry cleaner.
241
00:09:23,465 --> 00:09:25,700
(loud hissing)
242
00:09:28,637 --> 00:09:30,605
Take a break already, Lee Ying!
243
00:09:30,673 --> 00:09:32,440
We're dying up here!
244
00:09:32,508 --> 00:09:34,275
Look, baby, I
know it's hot,
245
00:09:34,343 --> 00:09:35,710
but on the bright side,
246
00:09:35,778 --> 00:09:37,478
my tank top is virtually
wrinkle-free,
247
00:09:37,546 --> 00:09:39,113
and your pores look fantastic.
248
00:09:39,181 --> 00:09:42,617
That's it--
I can't take it anymore.
249
00:09:43,619 --> 00:09:45,653
Listen up, New York!
250
00:09:45,721 --> 00:09:47,722
What are you doing?
Playing a hunch.
251
00:09:47,790 --> 00:09:49,524
My real name is Joy Turner.
252
00:09:49,592 --> 00:09:50,992
Baby, no!
253
00:09:51,060 --> 00:09:53,795
My husband is Darnell Turner,
AKA Harry Monroe.
254
00:09:53,863 --> 00:09:56,030
(train rumbling)
We're in the witness...
255
00:09:56,098 --> 00:09:57,131
(train horn blaring)
256
00:09:57,199 --> 00:09:59,167
...protection.
257
00:09:59,235 --> 00:10:01,069
(door opening)
258
00:10:01,136 --> 00:10:03,137
Damn it! You blew
your cover!
259
00:10:03,205 --> 00:10:05,006
Now we'll have
to relocate you again.
260
00:10:05,074 --> 00:10:06,474
Good.
261
00:10:06,542 --> 00:10:08,543
How'd y'all get
here so fast?
262
00:10:08,611 --> 00:10:10,945
We keep a close eye on
things the first week.
263
00:10:11,013 --> 00:10:12,146
How close?
264
00:10:12,214 --> 00:10:13,448
Close enough to know
265
00:10:13,516 --> 00:10:15,116
you're wearing the same thong
as yesterday.
266
00:10:15,184 --> 00:10:16,751
Just turned inside out.
267
00:10:18,387 --> 00:10:19,954
So me and Zeke set out
to restart our friendship...
268
00:10:20,022 --> 00:10:21,256
CROWD (chanting):
Drink, drink...!
269
00:10:21,323 --> 00:10:23,324
...and replacing
his trophy T-shirts turned out
270
00:10:23,392 --> 00:10:24,959
to be just the way to do it.
271
00:10:25,027 --> 00:10:27,462
Shrimp.
272
00:10:27,530 --> 00:10:28,463
And lucky for us,
273
00:10:28,531 --> 00:10:30,231
Yukon Jack was out on parole
274
00:10:30,299 --> 00:10:33,201
and back in the punching people
for T-shirts business.
275
00:10:33,269 --> 00:10:34,502
We even entered the
276
00:10:34,570 --> 00:10:36,838
"I sang a romantic duet
with a dude" challenge
277
00:10:36,906 --> 00:10:39,607
at the Crab Shack,
and I got to say
278
00:10:39,675 --> 00:10:42,644
we pretty much crushed it.
BOTH:
� The time of my life �
279
00:10:42,711 --> 00:10:46,514
� And I've never felt
this way before �
280
00:10:46,582 --> 00:10:48,650
� Yes, I swear �
281
00:10:48,717 --> 00:10:51,419
� It's the truth �
282
00:10:51,487 --> 00:10:55,690
� And I owe it all to you. �
283
00:10:57,726 --> 00:10:59,694
A lumberjack camp?
284
00:10:59,762 --> 00:11:00,695
Really?
285
00:11:00,763 --> 00:11:02,830
Remember the accents, eh?
286
00:11:02,898 --> 00:11:04,465
Now, I know you don't like
being punished,
287
00:11:04,533 --> 00:11:07,335
but if you think you can play
dirty, the FBI can play dirtier.
288
00:11:07,403 --> 00:11:08,670
Trust me, we
should quit
289
00:11:08,737 --> 00:11:09,871
while we're ahead.
290
00:11:09,939 --> 00:11:11,372
Ahead?
291
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:13,908
We live in a pop-up camper
with four Canadian dudes
292
00:11:13,976 --> 00:11:15,343
who don't help us
with the chores
293
00:11:15,411 --> 00:11:16,511
'cause they're all
missing fingers.
294
00:11:16,579 --> 00:11:19,247
I'm sick of cutting their steaks
for them.
295
00:11:21,083 --> 00:11:23,051
Oh, no, I'm begging you,
don't do this.
296
00:11:23,118 --> 00:11:24,953
Listen up,
you human beavers.
297
00:11:25,020 --> 00:11:28,223
My black husband's name
is not
298
00:11:28,290 --> 00:11:29,490
Lars Nordvich.
299
00:11:30,626 --> 00:11:32,827
I know, mindblower.
300
00:11:32,895 --> 00:11:35,029
His name is Harry Monroe
301
00:11:35,097 --> 00:11:36,331
and I'm Joy Turner.
302
00:11:36,398 --> 00:11:38,199
All right,
let's go.
303
00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:40,602
Oh, thank God.
304
00:11:40,669 --> 00:11:41,836
(sighs)
305
00:11:45,074 --> 00:11:47,008
Which shirt
are you getting today?
306
00:11:47,076 --> 00:11:48,877
"I climbed
the Camden landfill."
307
00:11:48,944 --> 00:11:50,044
It's going to take
a little while
308
00:11:50,112 --> 00:11:51,913
'cause it's 60 feet higher now.
309
00:11:51,981 --> 00:11:54,282
But a lot of that's from the
stair factory that collapsed,
310
00:11:54,350 --> 00:11:56,084
so the last part
could be easier.
311
00:11:56,151 --> 00:11:58,086
Well, have fun.
(car starts)
312
00:11:59,922 --> 00:12:02,457
That's when Randy realized me
and Zeke were friends again,
313
00:12:02,525 --> 00:12:06,027
and he could finally cross Zeke
off his arm.
314
00:12:06,095 --> 00:12:07,595
Well, almost cross him off.
315
00:12:07,663 --> 00:12:08,830
What the hell...?
316
00:12:08,898 --> 00:12:10,665
Arlo, what'd you do that for?
317
00:12:10,733 --> 00:12:13,334
So Zeke'll think Earl
burned his shirts again
318
00:12:13,402 --> 00:12:14,903
and I can get
my brother back.
319
00:12:14,970 --> 00:12:17,672
I'm sure that sounded like
a good plan in the beginning,
320
00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:18,840
and I've had lots of those,
321
00:12:18,908 --> 00:12:21,176
like when I tried to breed
wiener dogs with cats
322
00:12:21,243 --> 00:12:22,177
to make wiener cats.
323
00:12:22,244 --> 00:12:24,012
But you don't get long,
skinny cats.
324
00:12:24,079 --> 00:12:27,549
You get one dead cat and a dog
with lots of scratches.
325
00:12:27,616 --> 00:12:30,051
Anyway, what I'm trying
to say is:
326
00:12:30,119 --> 00:12:31,686
your plan is worse
than that one.
327
00:12:31,754 --> 00:12:36,624
Well, I wouldn't even need
a bad plan if it wasn't for you.
328
00:12:36,692 --> 00:12:38,193
You're the one who
got Earl and Zeke
329
00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:39,327
back together again,
330
00:12:39,395 --> 00:12:43,264
and now I'm just alone
and miserable.
331
00:12:43,332 --> 00:12:46,534
(chuckling):
Wait, I get it.
332
00:12:46,602 --> 00:12:48,203
Oh, you Karma.
333
00:12:48,270 --> 00:12:50,104
You got me.
This always happens
334
00:12:50,172 --> 00:12:51,506
to Earl.
335
00:12:51,574 --> 00:12:53,508
He handles one problem
only to discover
336
00:12:53,576 --> 00:12:55,944
that another problem is
the real list item.
337
00:12:56,011 --> 00:12:57,645
I should have known.
338
00:12:57,713 --> 00:13:00,915
The neediest, most annoying guys
are always the real list items.
339
00:13:00,983 --> 00:13:05,987
Karma.
340
00:13:06,055 --> 00:13:08,756
Randy knew that his list item
had gotten more complicated.
341
00:13:08,824 --> 00:13:10,391
He just didn't know
how to solve it.
342
00:13:10,459 --> 00:13:13,127
Okay, we both had
three beers each.
343
00:13:13,195 --> 00:13:15,563
We should be able
to finally think now.
344
00:13:15,631 --> 00:13:17,565
What could Karma want me
to do for you?
345
00:13:17,633 --> 00:13:18,967
Do you know you have
a scar that looks
346
00:13:19,034 --> 00:13:20,802
just like
Pamela Anderson?
347
00:13:20,870 --> 00:13:22,570
I'm gonna go get
my camera.
348
00:13:22,638 --> 00:13:24,038
I understand
you being jealous.
349
00:13:24,106 --> 00:13:26,508
I used to get jealous, too.
350
00:13:26,575 --> 00:13:28,376
It's hard when your brother
makes a new friend
351
00:13:28,444 --> 00:13:30,144
and stops spending time
with you.
352
00:13:30,212 --> 00:13:31,646
To be truthful,
353
00:13:31,714 --> 00:13:34,215
Zeke has never spent
that much time with me,
354
00:13:34,283 --> 00:13:35,884
except when Mom would
lock us in the closet
355
00:13:35,951 --> 00:13:38,453
so she could go
out to drink,
356
00:13:38,521 --> 00:13:40,755
but I wish we were
more like you and Earl.
357
00:13:40,823 --> 00:13:42,423
Earl loves to
hang out with you.
358
00:13:42,491 --> 00:13:44,726
He didn't always like
hanging out with me.
359
00:13:44,793 --> 00:13:46,427
It was only four years ago
360
00:13:46,495 --> 00:13:48,663
that we started sleeping
in the same bed.
361
00:13:48,731 --> 00:13:50,331
We had to work up to it.
362
00:13:50,399 --> 00:13:52,667
I had to become the best
little brother ever.
363
00:13:52,735 --> 00:13:55,103
I think I'm a pretty
good little brother.
Excuse me,
364
00:13:55,171 --> 00:13:57,505
but you're annoying and boring
and you smell like onions.
365
00:13:57,573 --> 00:13:59,274
Don't get me wrong,
I like onions,
366
00:13:59,341 --> 00:14:00,742
but a lot of people don't.
367
00:14:00,809 --> 00:14:04,279
But now at least I know
how I can help you.
368
00:14:04,346 --> 00:14:06,881
RANDY:
Big brothers like to think
they're the funny ones,
369
00:14:06,949 --> 00:14:09,184
so it's important
to laugh at all their jokes...
370
00:14:09,251 --> 00:14:10,919
(passing horn honking)
371
00:14:10,986 --> 00:14:12,620
Hey, Randy.
372
00:14:12,688 --> 00:14:16,057
What happens when two snails
get into a fight?
373
00:14:17,293 --> 00:14:18,927
They slug it out.
374
00:14:18,994 --> 00:14:20,061
(laughs)
375
00:14:20,129 --> 00:14:22,197
Slug it out--
that's a good one.
376
00:14:22,264 --> 00:14:24,933
...no matter
how unfunny they are.
377
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,802
And it's important to take care
of your big brother
378
00:14:27,870 --> 00:14:29,804
when he doesn't groom himself.
379
00:14:29,872 --> 00:14:31,139
(exhales)
380
00:14:31,207 --> 00:14:33,341
And you need to put yourself
in situations
381
00:14:33,409 --> 00:14:35,577
where your big brother
can be the hero.
382
00:14:37,279 --> 00:14:38,379
Nice dumper, baby girl.
383
00:14:38,447 --> 00:14:40,815
What the hell did you say?
384
00:14:40,883 --> 00:14:43,518
Uh-oh. Earl, Earl,
I thought this dude was a lady
385
00:14:43,586 --> 00:14:46,321
on account of his girly butt,
and now I'm in danger.
386
00:14:46,388 --> 00:14:47,822
Tough guy, huh?
387
00:14:47,890 --> 00:14:49,390
Now, if you mess
with Randy here,
388
00:14:49,458 --> 00:14:51,459
I'm gonna tell you what's
gonna happen to you.
389
00:14:54,964 --> 00:14:56,130
(whispering inaudibly)
390
00:14:56,198 --> 00:14:57,632
Yeah!
Yeah!
391
00:14:57,700 --> 00:15:02,036
So back off, and P.S., your butt
wasn't that good anyway.
392
00:15:03,239 --> 00:15:04,706
That's all you got to do--
393
00:15:04,773 --> 00:15:06,774
pick up the slack
on your little-brother duties.
394
00:15:06,842 --> 00:15:07,976
You're right.
395
00:15:08,043 --> 00:15:10,311
Help me practice
my fake laugh.
396
00:15:10,379 --> 00:15:11,779
Here's what I've
got right now.
397
00:15:11,847 --> 00:15:15,416
(loud chuckling)
398
00:15:15,484 --> 00:15:16,784
No, no, God, no.
399
00:15:16,852 --> 00:15:17,852
No, no, no, no.
400
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,687
You got to start with surprise
401
00:15:19,755 --> 00:15:21,089
and then let it
402
00:15:21,156 --> 00:15:22,557
chuckle itself out.
403
00:15:22,625 --> 00:15:23,625
Oh!
404
00:15:23,692 --> 00:15:25,627
(laughing)
405
00:15:25,694 --> 00:15:27,695
(continues laughing)
406
00:15:29,698 --> 00:15:31,699
(continues laughing)
407
00:15:34,069 --> 00:15:36,638
(laughter diminishes slowly)
408
00:15:36,705 --> 00:15:38,106
Ah...
409
00:15:38,174 --> 00:15:39,541
Wow.
410
00:15:39,608 --> 00:15:41,242
EARL:
So while Randy had taught Arlo
411
00:15:41,310 --> 00:15:42,710
some lessons
about being a brother,
412
00:15:42,778 --> 00:15:45,113
the FBI were about to teach Joy
413
00:15:45,181 --> 00:15:47,248
some lessons
about opening her mouth.
414
00:15:47,316 --> 00:15:49,584
So... we're Eskimos now?
415
00:15:49,652 --> 00:15:53,388
Actually, your people
prefer to be called Inuits.
416
00:15:53,455 --> 00:15:55,590
Go ahead, try to out
yourself in this place.
417
00:15:55,658 --> 00:15:58,993
I'm sure the caribou
would be most intrigued.
418
00:15:59,061 --> 00:16:01,229
And, uh, stay warm.
419
00:16:03,365 --> 00:16:05,533
Oh, my God.
420
00:16:05,601 --> 00:16:08,803
The FBI might've been better
at playing dirty,
421
00:16:08,871 --> 00:16:12,307
but there was one thing
Joy was better at than anyone:
422
00:16:12,374 --> 00:16:14,409
knowing how to have an affair
and recognizing
423
00:16:14,476 --> 00:16:16,511
the clues of an affair
when she saw one.
424
00:16:16,579 --> 00:16:18,880
She knew if Luther Vandross
was a-rockin',
425
00:16:18,948 --> 00:16:20,481
you don't come a-knockin'.
426
00:16:20,549 --> 00:16:22,650
And how easy it is
to lose an earring
427
00:16:22,718 --> 00:16:24,819
when your own knee
keeps banging against it.
428
00:16:24,887 --> 00:16:26,855
And how your necktie
can get a little crooked when
429
00:16:26,922 --> 00:16:28,890
you use it to tie
a woman to a bedpost.
430
00:16:28,958 --> 00:16:31,726
You and Agent Scoley
have been boning.
431
00:16:31,794 --> 00:16:33,595
Talk about
the X Files.
432
00:16:33,662 --> 00:16:35,296
More like Triple-X Files.
433
00:16:35,364 --> 00:16:36,431
Kablam!
434
00:16:36,498 --> 00:16:37,599
Are we gonna
435
00:16:37,666 --> 00:16:39,868
figure out a new place
for me to live,
436
00:16:39,935 --> 00:16:43,171
or do we need to involve
supervisors and spouses?
437
00:16:43,239 --> 00:16:45,573
Were you thinking of
something in split-level
438
00:16:45,641 --> 00:16:46,841
or ranch-style?
439
00:16:46,909 --> 00:16:48,710
And just like that,
440
00:16:48,777 --> 00:16:50,778
Joy had blackmailed the FBI
441
00:16:50,846 --> 00:16:52,914
into making
her dreams come true.
442
00:16:52,982 --> 00:16:54,349
Palm trees...
443
00:16:54,416 --> 00:16:56,251
real grass...
444
00:16:56,318 --> 00:16:59,587
and you can't hear the
sizzle of power lines.
445
00:17:01,090 --> 00:17:03,625
(voice breaking):
Goldie Crystal is finally home.
446
00:17:03,692 --> 00:17:06,794
Things were falling into place
for Joy and her family, but...
447
00:17:06,862 --> 00:17:09,030
things were falling apart
back at the trailer park.
448
00:17:09,098 --> 00:17:11,032
Wasn't Randy--
he knows he can't play
449
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,567
with matches unless I'm home.
450
00:17:12,635 --> 00:17:14,636
Well, then, who
was it, then?
Zeke,
451
00:17:14,703 --> 00:17:15,937
I...
I-I did it.
452
00:17:16,005 --> 00:17:17,071
It was me.
453
00:17:17,139 --> 00:17:19,274
But you said you weren't
jealous anymore.
454
00:17:19,341 --> 00:17:20,475
I'm not jealous.
455
00:17:20,543 --> 00:17:22,410
I'm just sick of
having to hang around
456
00:17:22,478 --> 00:17:23,545
with this loser,
457
00:17:23,612 --> 00:17:25,947
B.O factory,
three-balled jackass
458
00:17:26,015 --> 00:17:27,949
from the state of
Douche-achusetts .
459
00:17:28,017 --> 00:17:29,384
Dude, that's not even a state.
460
00:17:29,451 --> 00:17:30,385
Shut up!
461
00:17:30,452 --> 00:17:31,586
(quietly):
This is your chance.
462
00:17:31,654 --> 00:17:32,954
Be the little brother
that needs protecting.
463
00:17:33,022 --> 00:17:34,956
(loudly):
What are you
gonna do?
464
00:17:35,024 --> 00:17:37,992
Cry? Or run home and
smell your own B.O.?
465
00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:40,328
Hey, come on! Leave me alone!
466
00:17:40,396 --> 00:17:41,162
No!
467
00:17:41,230 --> 00:17:42,230
Leave me alone!
No!
468
00:17:42,298 --> 00:17:43,364
ZEKE:
Leave him alone!
469
00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:46,401
Leave my brother alone.
470
00:17:46,468 --> 00:17:47,669
You're the one
who's acting
471
00:17:47,736 --> 00:17:49,037
like you're from
Douche-achusetts!
472
00:17:49,104 --> 00:17:51,339
Oh, yeah? Well, you're
acting like the mayor
473
00:17:51,407 --> 00:17:52,807
of Ass-ylvania!
474
00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:55,543
You're gonna stick up for him
after he burned my shirts?
475
00:17:55,611 --> 00:17:58,079
What about your precious list?
If I have
to choose
476
00:17:58,147 --> 00:17:59,981
between a list
and my brother,
477
00:18:00,049 --> 00:18:01,850
my brother's gonna
win every time.
478
00:18:01,917 --> 00:18:05,587
Yeah? Well, if I got to choose
between a friend and my brother,
479
00:18:05,654 --> 00:18:07,822
then my brother's
gonna win every time!
480
00:18:07,890 --> 00:18:09,390
Come on, Arlo!
481
00:18:10,759 --> 00:18:12,660
I actually didn't mind
seeing Zeke
482
00:18:12,728 --> 00:18:14,028
leave me for Arlo,
483
00:18:14,096 --> 00:18:15,363
'cause I'm the one that
484
00:18:15,431 --> 00:18:16,664
pushed them together.
485
00:18:16,732 --> 00:18:18,833
You know, next time we
should bring Randy and Arlo.
486
00:18:18,901 --> 00:18:21,269
I want to see them take
a shot at "Endless Love."
487
00:18:21,337 --> 00:18:22,470
Yeah, I don't know.
488
00:18:22,538 --> 00:18:24,873
Arlo and I don't really
hang out that much.
489
00:18:24,940 --> 00:18:27,008
We just don't click
like you and Randy.
490
00:18:27,076 --> 00:18:29,377
You guys are like
Venus and Serena Williams,
491
00:18:29,445 --> 00:18:30,578
you know?
492
00:18:30,646 --> 00:18:32,847
No. I-I know one of those
is a planet,
493
00:18:32,915 --> 00:18:35,116
but I don't know
who that other dude is.
494
00:18:35,184 --> 00:18:36,651
Anyway,
495
00:18:36,719 --> 00:18:38,319
two brothers clicking
doesn't just happen.
496
00:18:38,387 --> 00:18:40,321
If you want
a good little brother
497
00:18:40,389 --> 00:18:43,057
you got to be
a good big brother.
498
00:18:43,125 --> 00:18:45,627
I explained to Zeke that
little brothers like jokes,
499
00:18:45,694 --> 00:18:48,630
so I make sure I always have
lots of good ones.
500
00:18:48,697 --> 00:18:50,498
(passing horn honking)
to tell Randy.
501
00:18:50,566 --> 00:18:51,499
Hey, Randy!
502
00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:52,534
What happens
503
00:18:52,601 --> 00:18:54,869
when two snails
get into a fight?
504
00:18:54,937 --> 00:18:57,038
They slug it out.
505
00:18:57,106 --> 00:18:58,706
(laughing)
506
00:19:00,376 --> 00:19:03,311
You also need to make
little brothers feel important.
507
00:19:03,379 --> 00:19:06,581
Act like you need
their help with stuff.
508
00:19:06,649 --> 00:19:09,918
� I'm not waiting
on my lady... �
509
00:19:09,985 --> 00:19:11,953
And you should always
protect your little brother
510
00:19:12,021 --> 00:19:14,022
when he gets
into dangerous situations.
511
00:19:15,357 --> 00:19:17,692
Nice dumper, baby girl.
512
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,228
What the hell did you say?
EARL:
Tough guy, huh?
513
00:19:20,296 --> 00:19:21,829
Well, if you mess
with Randy here,
514
00:19:21,897 --> 00:19:23,932
I'm gonna tell you what's
gonna happen to you.
515
00:19:23,999 --> 00:19:26,401
(quietly):
Please don't hurt him--
I'm very afraid of you.
516
00:19:26,468 --> 00:19:28,603
I'll give you 20 bucks
to leave us alone.
517
00:19:28,671 --> 00:19:31,206
$30 if you act
a little scared.
518
00:19:31,273 --> 00:19:33,174
� �
519
00:19:33,242 --> 00:19:36,344
You do these things, Arlo
will change, I promise.
520
00:19:36,412 --> 00:19:39,047
Like a caterpillar
into a butterfly.
521
00:19:39,114 --> 00:19:41,182
Maybe something
less girly.
522
00:19:41,250 --> 00:19:45,086
Like a Transformer car
into a Transformer robot.
523
00:19:45,154 --> 00:19:46,788
I like Transformers.
524
00:19:46,856 --> 00:19:49,023
So I'm gonna take
your advice on this.
525
00:19:49,091 --> 00:19:52,227
I'm just sick of having to
hang out with this loser,
526
00:19:52,294 --> 00:19:54,662
B.O. factory,
three-balled jackass
527
00:19:54,730 --> 00:19:56,631
from the state of
Douche-achusetts.
528
00:19:56,699 --> 00:19:58,066
Dude, that's not even a state.
529
00:19:58,133 --> 00:19:59,367
Now is your chance.
530
00:19:59,435 --> 00:20:01,469
Go protect your
little brother.
531
00:20:01,537 --> 00:20:02,971
ARLO:
Leave me alone!
532
00:20:03,038 --> 00:20:05,073
No!
Leave him alone! Huh?
533
00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:07,909
So Zeke got all protector-ish,
and I got all protector-ish.
534
00:20:07,977 --> 00:20:10,111
It was a good show.
535
00:20:10,179 --> 00:20:11,679
Come on, Arlo!
536
00:20:13,015 --> 00:20:14,749
And it all worked out.
537
00:20:14,817 --> 00:20:17,919
RANDY:
And Earl and Zeke never had
a clue we'd set 'em up.
538
00:20:17,987 --> 00:20:20,321
(sighs)
539
00:20:20,389 --> 00:20:22,857
Sorry for making you
lose your friend again.
540
00:20:22,925 --> 00:20:24,225
That's okay.
541
00:20:24,293 --> 00:20:27,262
Maybe Zeke and Arlo were the
ones meant to be friends.
542
00:20:27,329 --> 00:20:29,430
Hmm. Maybe you're right.
543
00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:33,401
Hey, Lotto's back.
544
00:20:35,938 --> 00:20:36,971
Hm.
545
00:20:37,039 --> 00:20:38,640
You know what, buddy?
546
00:20:38,707 --> 00:20:42,143
That eyebrow raise is...
kind of my thing.
547
00:20:42,211 --> 00:20:44,212
That's cool.
548
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,981
Hey, Randy, one time this
pirate walks into a bar.
549
00:20:47,049 --> 00:20:50,585
He's got the ship's
steering wheel attached to
the crotch of his pants.
550
00:20:50,653 --> 00:20:52,620
Bartender says,
"Hey, pirate,
551
00:20:52,688 --> 00:20:55,523
you got a steering wheel
coming out of your pants."
552
00:20:55,591 --> 00:20:57,425
And the pirate
nods and says,
553
00:20:57,493 --> 00:20:59,527
"Arrgh! It's
driving me nuts!"
554
00:20:59,595 --> 00:21:01,596
(laughing loudly)
555
00:21:02,765 --> 00:21:04,732
That one was actually funny!
556
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,168
(continues laughing)
Wha-What do you
mean, "actually"?
557
00:21:07,236 --> 00:21:43,571
Huh?
41130
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