Original subtitles

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Give it up for Louis Cato

Give it up for Louis Cato

Give it up for Louis Cato and the great big joy machine.

and the great big joy machine.

and the great big joy machine. >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> Oh my gosh.

>> Oh my gosh.

>> Oh my gosh. >> [applause]

>> Jon, Louis, [cheering] Louis, and they

>> Jon, Louis, [cheering] Louis, and they

>> Jon, Louis, [cheering] Louis, and they are Corey, [applause] Nega, Joe. Give it

are Corey, [applause] Nega, Joe. Give it

are Corey, [applause] Nega, Joe. Give it up for the band right now. The greatest

up for the band right now. The greatest

up for the band right now. The greatest band [cheering] on TV.

band [cheering] on TV.

band [cheering] on TV. Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful. I also

I also

I also >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> I also just want to take a moment right

>> I also just want to take a moment right

>> I also just want to take a moment right here. Yeah. I just want to give a Take a

here. Yeah. I just want to give a Take a

here. Yeah. I just want to give a Take a moment right here. Have a seat

moment right here. Have a seat

moment right here. Have a seat everybody. I want to thank everybody who

everybody. I want to thank everybody who

everybody. I want to thank everybody who showed up last night to give me the

showed up last night to give me the

showed up last night to give me the Colbert Questionnaire. It was an

Colbert Questionnaire. It was an

Colbert Questionnaire. It was an extraordinary group of our old friends

extraordinary group of our old friends

extraordinary group of our old friends here on the show. We gave it How much

here on the show. We gave it How much

here on the show. We gave it How much time do we allow it? Um 21 minutes. 21

time do we allow it? Um 21 minutes. 21

time do we allow it? Um 21 minutes. 21 minutes and how long did it go? Uh 58

minutes and how long did it go? Uh 58

minutes and how long did it go? Uh 58 minutes.

minutes.

minutes. >> Went to 58 minutes.

>> Went to 58 minutes.

>> Went to 58 minutes. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> So uh you can go online and we've put up

>> So uh you can go online and we've put up

>> So uh you can go online and we've put up the whole thing, right? The whole thing.

the whole thing, right? The whole thing.

the whole thing, right? The whole thing. You can watch the whole thing right

You can watch the whole thing right

You can watch the whole thing right there

there

there in all of its beautiful chaotic glory.

in all of its beautiful chaotic glory.

in all of its beautiful chaotic glory. Check it out. Now, folks, if you watch

Check it out. Now, folks, if you watch

Check it out. Now, folks, if you watch this show, you know that on every

I'm sorry, Louis, is that coming from

I'm sorry, Louis, is that coming from

I'm sorry, Louis, is that coming from one of your speakers over there? Uh

one of your speakers over there? Uh

one of your speakers over there? Uh no, I don't think so. Do you hear what

no, I don't think so. Do you hear what

no, I don't think so. Do you hear what I'm talking about though?

I'm talking about though?

I'm talking about though? >> Yeah, yeah, no, I hear it. Okay, hold

>> Yeah, yeah, no, I hear it. Okay, hold

>> Yeah, yeah, no, I hear it. Okay, hold on. Um Is that Can you guys turn it off

on. Um Is that Can you guys turn it off

on. Um Is that Can you guys turn it off or Wait, it's gone. Okay.

or Wait, it's gone. Okay.

or Wait, it's gone. Okay. Never mind.

Never mind.

Never mind. Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry. Fantastic.

Fantastic.

Fantastic. Where we going?

Where we going?

Where we going? Folks, uh if you watch this show, you

Folks, uh if you watch this show, you

Folks, uh if you watch this show, you know I spent a lot of my time right over

know I spent a lot of my time right over

know I spent a lot of my time right over there in the new shipyard assembling the

there in the new shipyard assembling the

there in the new shipyard assembling the most topical story hall using the finest

most topical story hall using the finest

most topical story hall using the finest graphics, flawless camera work,

graphics, flawless camera work,

graphics, flawless camera work, direction, sound, and lighting all

direction, sound, and lighting all

direction, sound, and lighting all powered by a 2,000 horsepower marine

powered by a 2,000 horsepower marine

powered by a 2,000 horsepower marine diesel engine of jokes. For the honor of

diesel engine of jokes. For the honor of

diesel engine of jokes. For the honor of helming the blissfully steady flybridge

helming the blissfully steady flybridge

helming the blissfully steady flybridge yacht of comedy that is my nightly

yacht of comedy that is my nightly

yacht of comedy that is my nightly monologue. But sometimes, just

monologue. But sometimes, just

monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, while wrapping up 11

sometimes, folks, while wrapping up 11

sometimes, folks, while wrapping up 11 years of gags about Doritos flavored

years of gags about Doritos flavored

years of gags about Doritos flavored liquor, three penis cadavers, and

liquor, three penis cadavers, and

liquor, three penis cadavers, and cocaine sharks, I strip the copper wire

cocaine sharks, I strip the copper wire

cocaine sharks, I strip the copper wire out of our control board and strap my

out of our control board and strap my

out of our control board and strap my love of my staff and crew to my

love of my staff and crew to my

love of my staff and crew to my overturned desk and slap on some fans

overturned desk and slap on some fans

overturned desk and slap on some fans ripped out of our laser printers, then

ripped out of our laser printers, then

ripped out of our laser printers, then climb inside and putter away in the

climb inside and putter away in the

climb inside and putter away in the unsinkable gratitude dinghy of news that

unsinkable gratitude dinghy of news that

unsinkable gratitude dinghy of news that is my segment.

is my segment.

is my segment. Meanwhile

>> [cheering]

[music]

[music]

[music] >> It's sweeping the [cheering] nation,

>> It's sweeping the [cheering] nation,

>> It's sweeping the [cheering] nation, Chris.

Chris.

Chris. It's sweeping the nation.

It's sweeping the nation.

It's sweeping the nation. >> [music]

>> [music]

>> [music] [applause]

[applause]

[applause] >> It's a salve for the soul.

Meanwhile

Meanwhile

Meanwhile A federal appeals court has struck down

A federal appeals court has struck down

A federal appeals court has struck down a 150-year-old ban on home distilling,

a 150-year-old ban on home distilling,

a 150-year-old ban on home distilling, opening the door to making your own

opening the door to making your own

opening the door to making your own spirits at home.

spirits at home.

spirits at home. Experts say uh distilling spirits at

Experts say uh distilling spirits at

Experts say uh distilling spirits at home is similar to making beer at home

home is similar to making beer at home

home is similar to making beer at home in that the first step is to get

in that the first step is to get

in that the first step is to get divorced.

Meanwhile, the world's largest Dr.

Meanwhile, the world's largest Dr.

Meanwhile, the world's largest Dr. Pepper bottle was just unveiled at the

Pepper bottle was just unveiled at the

Pepper bottle was just unveiled at the Dr. Pepper Museum and celebrates the

Dr. Pepper Museum and celebrates the

Dr. Pepper Museum and celebrates the iconic soft drink first created in Waco,

iconic soft drink first created in Waco,

iconic soft drink first created in Waco, Texas in 1885. Yes, Waco, Texas. You

Texas in 1885. Yes, Waco, Texas. You

Texas in 1885. Yes, Waco, Texas. You know their slogan, "Please say we're

know their slogan, "Please say we're

know their slogan, "Please say we're famous for the soda."

Meanwhile the owner of the music of a

Meanwhile the owner of the music of a

Meanwhile the owner of the music of a Charlie Brown Christmas and other

Charlie Brown Christmas and other

Charlie Brown Christmas and other Peanuts television specials has filed

Peanuts television specials has filed

Peanuts television specials has filed four lawsuits yesterday against those

four lawsuits yesterday against those

four lawsuits yesterday against those illegally using the famous song Linus

illegally using the famous song Linus

illegally using the famous song Linus and Lucy. Now, Peanuts is a powerful

and Lucy. Now, Peanuts is a powerful

and Lucy. Now, Peanuts is a powerful brand and corporation in and of itself.

brand and corporation in and of itself.

brand and corporation in and of itself. Anyone illegally using that music is

Anyone illegally using that music is

Anyone illegally using that music is going to have to pay through the nose.

going to have to pay through the nose.

going to have to pay through the nose. Louis.

Louis.

Louis. Louis. Louis.

Louis. Louis.

Louis. Louis. Excuse me, Louis. Is the band Is the

Excuse me, Louis. Is the band Is the

Excuse me, Louis. Is the band Is the band right now playing the same Peanuts

band right now playing the same Peanuts

band right now playing the same Peanuts music that I just said people are being

music that I just said people are being

music that I just said people are being sued for for using without permission?

sued for for using without permission?

sued for for using without permission? Is that what he's doing?

Is that what he's doing?

Is that what he's doing? >> [cheering]

[music]

[music]

[music] >> Yeah, is that what they're doing? Yeah,

>> Yeah, is that what they're doing? Yeah,

>> Yeah, is that what they're doing? Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, I hope this doesn't cost

yeah. Oh, no, I hope this doesn't cost

yeah. Oh, no, I hope this doesn't cost CBS any money.

CBS any money.

CBS any money. >> [cheering]

[applause]

[applause]

[applause] [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] >> Meanwhile,

>> Meanwhile,

>> Meanwhile, old school pharmaceutical brand swag is

old school pharmaceutical brand swag is

old school pharmaceutical brand swag is now hot on the thrifting scene. Like

now hot on the thrifting scene. Like

now hot on the thrifting scene. Like this scarf emblazoned with blue Viagra

this scarf emblazoned with blue Viagra

this scarf emblazoned with blue Viagra pills or this lovely clock with the logo

pills or this lovely clock with the logo

pills or this lovely clock with the logo for the antidepressant Lexapro.

for the antidepressant Lexapro.

for the antidepressant Lexapro. It's a good looking clock. Plus, it's

It's a good looking clock. Plus, it's

It's a good looking clock. Plus, it's got that catchy slogan. What time is it?

got that catchy slogan. What time is it?

got that catchy slogan. What time is it? I'll tell you what time it is and it

I'll tell you what time it is and it

I'll tell you what time it is and it isn't time to fill your pockets with

isn't time to fill your pockets with

isn't time to fill your pockets with rocks and walk into the ocean.

Meanwhile,

Meanwhile,

Meanwhile, oh, wait a second. Hey, I just noticed

oh, wait a second. Hey, I just noticed

oh, wait a second. Hey, I just noticed another old friend in the audience. It's

another old friend in the audience. It's

another old friend in the audience. It's It's Tig Notaro. Hi, Tig. Thanks. It's

It's Tig Notaro. Hi, Tig. Thanks. It's

It's Tig Notaro. Hi, Tig. Thanks. It's good to be

good to be

good to be >> [cheering and applause]

>> [cheering and applause]

>> [cheering and applause] >> Hey.

>> [applause]

>> Hey, Stephen.

>> Hey, Stephen.

>> Hey, Stephen. Let me guess, you also think you're

Let me guess, you also think you're

Let me guess, you also think you're going to be my guest tonight.

going to be my guest tonight.

going to be my guest tonight. No.

No.

No. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> Really?

>> Really?

>> Really? No, I just like to be at historic

No, I just like to be at historic

No, I just like to be at historic events. I was at the Obama inauguration,

events. I was at the Obama inauguration,

events. I was at the Obama inauguration, the moon landing and whatever this is.

the moon landing and whatever this is.

the moon landing and whatever this is. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] [applause]

[applause]

[applause] >> Tig,

>> Tig,

>> Tig, Yeah. you weren't at the moon landing.

Yeah. you weren't at the moon landing.

Yeah. you weren't at the moon landing. I said what I said.

I said what I said.

I said what I said. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> Well, I mean, Tig, it's it's nice of you

>> Well, I mean, Tig, it's it's nice of you

>> Well, I mean, Tig, it's it's nice of you to be here to support me for my last

to be here to support me for my last

to be here to support me for my last show.

show.

show. This is your last show?

This is your last show?

This is your last show? Yeah, how did you not know that?

Yeah, how did you not know that?

Yeah, how did you not know that? I have a very full life, Stephen.

I have a very full life, Stephen.

I have a very full life, Stephen. Well, here's the deal. It's our last

Well, here's the deal. It's our last

Well, here's the deal. It's our last show because we were canceled and I

show because we were canceled and I

show because we were canceled and I don't really want to talk about it right

don't really want to talk about it right

don't really want to talk about it right now. Yeah, we'll get into it during my

now. Yeah, we'll get into it during my

now. Yeah, we'll get into it during my interview as the last guest.

interview as the last guest.

interview as the last guest. >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] [applause]

[applause]

[applause] >> I got you. Ryan Reynolds

>> I got you. Ryan Reynolds

>> I got you. Ryan Reynolds We'll break it down.

We'll break it down.

We'll break it down. >> Ryan

>> Ryan

>> Ryan >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> Ryan, it's it's great to see you, but I

>> Ryan, it's it's great to see you, but I

>> Ryan, it's it's great to see you, but I I hate to tell you, buddy, you're you're

I hate to tell you, buddy, you're you're

I hate to tell you, buddy, you're you're not my last guest.

not my last guest.

not my last guest. Ouchy.

Ouchy.

Ouchy. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> Okay, well, you know, in that case, I'm

>> Okay, well, you know, in that case, I'm

>> Okay, well, you know, in that case, I'm just happy to be here, you know, pay my

just happy to be here, you know, pay my

just happy to be here, you know, pay my respects to the

respects to the

respects to the uh one of the world's greatest

uh one of the world's greatest

uh one of the world's greatest entertainers on his last night at the Ed

entertainers on his last night at the Ed

entertainers on his last night at the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Sullivan Theater.

Sullivan Theater. Wow, well, thank you.

Wow, well, thank you.

Wow, well, thank you. >> [applause]

>> Thank you so much, Ryan. That means so

>> Thank you so much, Ryan. That means so

>> Thank you so much, Ryan. That means so much to me. I was uh talking about your

much to me. I was uh talking about your

much to me. I was uh talking about your keyboardist, Kory Bernhard.

keyboardist, Kory Bernhard.

keyboardist, Kory Bernhard. >> [applause]

>> This is for you.

>> This is for you.

>> This is for you. >> [applause]

[applause]

>> Thank you. Thank you. Please stop DMing

>> Thank you. Thank you. Please stop DMing

>> Thank you. Thank you. Please stop DMing me. Never.

me. Never.

me. Never. >> [laughter]

>> Meanwhile,

>> Meanwhile,

>> Meanwhile, the New York Post recently profiled a

the New York Post recently profiled a

the New York Post recently profiled a New York City man who makes himself

New York City man who makes himself

New York City man who makes himself sushi from the bass he catches in the

sushi from the bass he catches in the

sushi from the bass he catches in the Hudson River.

He will be missed.

He will be missed.

He will be missed. We'll be right back with our very

We'll be right back with our very

We'll be right back with our very special final [music] guest.

special final [music] guest.

special final [music] guest. Stick around.

>> [music]

[cheering and applause]