Original subtitles

Shut up! Sit down!

I don't care. People are bloody fools.

They want to stop...

my work, my message..

The horror movie!

Mc Gregor is retiring.

He leaves me flat in

the middle of the 843rd episode.

-He doesn't have a contract? -Of course he has one.

He also has a medical certificate prohibiting him thrills.

He doesn't want to be scary anymore.

It seems it's a trauma for him.

He wants the first role in a soap opera.

With his teeths and the rest?

With him a soap opera would be...

Would be what?

Ghastly!

Get out!

I don't pay you to do cracks in my office.

I pay you to do cracks in my shows.

Sit down!

My darling, please...

Bring me the files on the Dracula series.

Don't bother, Maggie.

These gentlemen are fired.

You're fired!

Sit down!

Thank you, my darling.

Which script are you working on now?

Well...

We're finishing the last script

of "Tears of Daphnée".

What is it?

Come on, boss. It's our forefront series.

We're in the 138th episode

and we've received 4863 fan letters last week.

Sit down!

You're fired.

Unless...

Unless Mc Gregor becomes the main character in "The tears of Daphnée".

Starting with the next episode.

And unless the story in your script becomes very ghastly!

Understood? GHASTLY!

But, boss...

What of Errol Cooper?

On the screen, morons. Not for real.

Your car is downstairs?

-Yes, boss. -Your luggages in the trunk?

-No, boss. -Your luggages are in the trunk!

Yes, boss.

-Get out! -Come on, take those.

You're Mc Gregor's guests.

Not for fun. You'll have to work.

Mc Gregor took care of the mood.

I hope it will give you genius!

Mc Gregor...

Mc Gregor...

Romantic...

Doing that...

Doing that to me...

I'm betrayed...

I'm betrayed...

They're yours, Tovaritch?

Not at all.

Where am I putting the files?

Do as you wish.

-Stop. -Why?

I won't be long.

I'm scared.

Why?

Don't worry. Have a drink.

I knew they were thirsty in the back!

-They're good drinkers. -Best for us.

Maybe they're deaf and mute.

We'll see.

Run! Run!

The Mc Gregor mood should give you inspiration.

The two ladies in the back are part of the Mc Gregor's mood.

They're not made to chat with

or to screw with behind a tree.

I don't want them soiled when arriving to the castle.

Mc Gregor would find them unworthy to be his partners.

Dreamy creatures and erotic monsters.

I'm never lyin', Tovaritch, and

I can tell you

they're not my kind.

Run!

Run!

How do you find them?

Soiled.

I can't stand the cramps in my hand,

already had them when I was young.

And you?

Only 3 km to go.

What did they put in these suitcases to make them so heavy?

Don't worry. Have a drink.

Your turn. Hurry up.

Good, huh?

For their suitcases... We're not their flunkeys.

To hell with them.

You're right.

Good heavens! Our guests have arrived!

How are you?

Come on, Abelard, you're starting the fire or I shall call the devil?

I'm the house keeper.

My name is Germaine.

And I like young and nice people like you.

I'm sure we'll get well together.

Abelard,

lead the ladies and gentlemen to their rooms.

See you soon.

Good night, noble friends!

I am Mc Gregor.

Good day, Sir.

Is it Abelard roughing you up?

Abelard!

I already told you to behave with our guests.

You must not let him rough you up.

Have you already seen my wife? She used to be his.

We've had the honor.

-Lady Germaine has... -I forbid you calling her Germaine!

-Yes but she told that... -Enough

Enough!

How a Christian name could be sacred?

I called her Heloise because it's more noble.

Without romanticism, my young people, we would all be lost, to tell the truth.

I was lost before I made that discovery.

It's romanticism separating the man from the monster.

That was my motivation for marrying Heloise.

She's my humanity certificate,

she's my soul.

Is Germaine a name suited for such a soul? I'm asking you.

Abelard! Calm down, please!

He's far from being a bad boy.

I only married after he had

that unfortunate axe accident.

Bad luck for his heredity.

Beware Abelard, my friends.

He's so clumsy.

See you later.

While I'm thinking, one has to get dressed for dinner.

Mister Mc.

No Mister. Just Mc Gregor.

Yes, but...those bastards have left our suitcases on the road.

-My dear little lady. -Mado. -I presume you're an actress

and it seems those gentlemen are writers.

You belong to the small elite for which imagination is a professional duty.

You just entered the realm of romanticism.

You cound not enter here inside an automobile

and with suitcases.

No, no! Sacrilege!

Here, we are floating on the wings of love.

From now on, this castle is yours, its supplies are unlimited.

Make good use of it.

You're not leaving me alone in this cathedral?

I'm just on the other side. I won't fly away. Surely not before my shower.

You're not afraid of staying alone with him?

He's not bad, Abelard.

A bit clumsy, that's all.

You're a nice boy, aren't you?

Mado, it's horrible!

-If you saw my bathing room! -What's wrong with it?

I'll explain. Let's have a look at yours.

-I'm taking a lamp. -OK, do that.

Look, it's blood!

It's the same in my room. It's blood.

No, it's only rust. It will pass. Go have your bath.

"I'm afraid of the dark.

I'm afraid of the wolf.

It's without hope.

I'm afraid of everything,

every evening,

until daylight.

I need a man protecting me from ghosts,

comforting me

on his knees.

I'm afraid of the dark.

I'm afraid of the wolf.

Wolves are gentle.

You can believe me.

They're a bit clumsy.

And they have black nails.

Think of a man with hairs all around and it's the same.

Curling you and kissing you in the neck.

One night, try it

with the big bad wolf.

No, I'm too afraid.

They're too bad.

By the way,

it's amazing,

how scared women attracts men

who think themselves

as lions.

And in the dark,

sometimes they are!

The boogey man,

the werewolf,

they're not scaring

me at all.

To keep the men in our beds

we have to find better tricks.

A real vampire

or Dracula!

-Bring the lamp, Tovaritch. -Where are you? Come and drink with me.

Bring the lamp, I'm telling you.

You know we have to dress.

You bring it today?

You're here.

There's lot of stuff here. Look inside that trunk.

I see 130 episodes inside that trunk.

Hey, say...

she looks like his first wife.

There are clothes in every colour.

Look at that, it looks like a real hand.

Fantastic, it's a real one.

Tovaritch!

Come on, it's disgusting, don't play with that! Stop it!

Look at that, here...

There's enough clothes...

for 10 episodes, at least. Am I looking good?

-Tovaritch, come have a look here. -What's wrong?

Look at that!

No. He said dressed up, not maked up.

How wonderful!

A real fag, you hide it well from me!

Don't joke about this, Tovaritch. My great-father put make-up on tsars.

My father put make-up on Bolchoi dancers. Make-up is in my blood.

It explains how I found you at the emergency exit of the studio.

I admit, Tovaritch.

They didn't understand me because I was too much in advance. I am the make-up artist of the future.

To work. Tovaritch.

-Where are the girls? -Over there.

I'm imagining them completely naked in their beds,

with make-up from head to toes,

gorgeous!

You don't knock at the door?

What are you doing?

High dressing.

Peeping toms!

Filthy men!

My dear young friends,

you have in front of you,

the last great horror maestro.

Who could pretend to the crown after Mc Gregor?

Horror is dead.

Even dead,

she's not scaring a single soul. -But Mister Gregor!

-Mc! -We will be fired!

-The boss said... -Futur is in romanticism.

Believe me. It's the only truth

and the only beauty.

Remember the classics.

There's no more beauty than truth, only truth is agreeable.

Mr Mc Gregor. We've been selling romanticism for ten years now.

I only come ashore on his perfumed strands.

But we'll see what we're about to see.

Either it will blow up either you will say what we'll see!

-No kidding, Mr Mc. -Gregor! -Gregor. -Mc!

Yes, if you want.

Why we could not make a nice little romantic/horror movie?

Romanticism alone is horrible, isn't it?

She means...

horror is romantic...

because ...if we...

And then, Madam Heloise could play with us!

Don't laugh!

And cherish the day you will look as noble as my wife!

It's Heloise taking my hand

and accompanying me along the idyllic romantic paths.

How I followed her,

night after night,

all night long,

in the forests.

By the moonlight.

By the moonlight?

And I was naked, dear Sir.

-Naked? -Yes, Antoine.

Hum, Alfred.

Oh yes. Alfred...

My dear, there was Vigny, De Musset and

Hitchcock. Alfred is a remarkable first name.

Maybe...But I would have prefered him to be named Antoine.

Abelard, leave this, my friend.

It's undignyfing of you.

After all, you were my wife's first husband.

In my arms!

Dear Miss,

will you please grant me this waltz?

Which waltz?

Amateurish job!

Boris!

Why did you do that?

Boris!

Why?

Shouldn't we look for candles?

Yes, you're right.

Where is he?

Nobody was taking care of me. You were all flirting.

-I was fed up. -Come in, girls.

He's a lousy script writer but he has genius for make-up.

Only problem is he never stops himself.

You were all in full romantic mood!

If the boss had been here

he would have fired us all.

I had to break old Mc's game!

We all agreed to bring him back to horror at all expenses.

I tried what I could.

You'll have to find something else.

Instead of being scared his only words were "Amateurish job".

Is it necessary for me asking any idea out of you?

...Alfred! Alfred!.. ..You're cheating now!...

..You have a desperate man in front of you...

...Enough with your romantism...

Hey, hey!

So, making me wait?

At once, my sweet honey!

Get out, pervert! In your room!

-I can't do two things at the same time. -Two things?

Making love and shaking to death. I can't do both.

You only came to help me undressing at first. You promised you wouldn't stay.

Me too, I'm scared alone.

I have to stay.

I'm leaving, then.

I'm going to sleep in your room.

-And I don't want to see you before breakfast. -Mado!

Mado!

Mado!

Mado!

-I want to see me. -You must not, darling!

-You would fall dead! -And what would we do of the corpse?

I'm asking you.

And don't do like this bloody fool.

-Dont wake up after 5 mn with a big great smile! -Hey, I'm not actor!

I'm so scared!

We're going to scare the great Mc Gregor!

-What have I to do? -First, talk softly.

You scream. Then you play dead. Understood?

Like this.

Alfred! Marie disappeared!

As for the old man...

either he's dead either he was not scared at all.

I heard nothing.

It's a disaster, Tovaritch.

We're not very gifted for horror! It's no use trying.

Tovaritch, there's someone in your room.

I know, it's monstruous. It's on the bed, it's huge and it's doing boom-boom-boom!

I'm tired. I'm not moving from here.

We'll sleep here the three of us.

-No! -OK, we let you alone.

We're going to sleep with Marie.

OK, it's allright.

Did you sleep well?

Did the night bring romantic ideas that will enthuse the debutante I'll be soon?

Mr Mc Gregor, we thought about the horror genre.

Who will take the flame after you?

There's no flame in the horror genre.

There are only torchs and dark lanterns.

I think you're on a wrong start, my young friend.

What a treat!

Would you like for Abelard to arrange a tasting for you?

You're wrong.

He does wonders dressing chicken's blood.

Heloise, please...

Leave me alone. He speaks to me. I see...

I see...misfortunes

Great misfortunes.

Germaine, not this nonsense again!

-Heloise! -Huh?

Yes. Of course, Heloise. It's over now but don't do that anymore.

He cut himself again.

I wonder which part he lost this time.

Men spend their lives losing pieces of their soul, of their bodies.

Everytime it happens the pain tears heartrending screams from them.

This is romanticism for you. It's the scream of the life left behind.

My audience will never scream of fear. They're so little screams.

From now on, I only want to hear the heartrending screams from body and soul.

Follow me. You will understand.

I promise that YOU will understand!

I wanted to have a little nap. Some sleep.

To sleep.

To sleep is wonderful. I'm old enough now to know this.

-Do you dream often, my dear little girl? -I had a dream, last night.

-Tell me. -I was naked.

Hands ran over my body.

A crowd of hands getting stronger,

running faster on me,

and burning me like whip lashes.

But I was getting colder

and all the hands grabbed me by the waist

as if I was cut in half.

I was so cold I didn't feel the pain.

Those hands were yours

and Mc Gregors. They warmed me up.

I was almost dead and almost happy.

I wasn't screaming.

I recall...

I wasn't screaming.

"The nice doll,

for who is she, the nice girl?

Maybe also...

for my big bear who can't suck his thumb no more.

But don't worry,

my Abe darling,

we'll find somehow,

something softer."

You've been a good boy,

you will have your reward.

This world is dead, my dear Alfred.

I've burned it on the altar of love.

Heloise has changed my life.

She definitively erased the horror out of it.

It's her who irresistibly led me toward a world whose heart

is thumping, not on a torture rack,

but beneath a chast bodice.

It's her who helped me getting rid

of my great-father's shadow.

It costed me 40 years to bury him.

40 years to bury a gravedigger. Isn't that funny?

May your father and mother rest in peace.

May God be their holy protector.

You're the last of the Mc Gregor's.

My great-father.

He was as old as the hills.

Gravedigger like his father, like mine.

I was blonde then, I remember,

blonde and alone.

What do you want to do when you get older?

I will teach you the gravedigger's job if you want. It's a nice job.

I want to be an artist like them.

Artist...

Artist...

I'm scarying people since 40 years, I'm drinking poor creatures' blood, I'm burying and exhuming like my great-father.

No goods!

Thugs!

Acrobats!

Lazybones, child thieves! Soul diggers!

Naughty boy!

You know how acrobats end?

They're buried without God. By the roads.

Come, follow me.

Or you'll be cursed.

Cursed till the end of times!

Yes, my dear Alfred, I choosed the curse.

My great-father died because of me.

When I reached the gypsies their car had drifted.

My great-father's hearse opened wide to me the roads of dream and fantasy.

I was starting a new life.

I would be an artist!

My great-father's ghost, left alone, without a grave,

has haunted all my characters.

Life's irony, my first role was the gravedigger in Hamlet.

You see, my dear Alfred, it's not in dramatic class that one

learn to be a great horror master.

Get closer.

Don't be afraid.

Have a look at uncle Mc Gregor's picture book.

How nice!

-But what kind of tool is this? -A torture armchair.

I'll show you the real one in flesh and blood!

And in a perfect working state.

Will you scare me if I promise to be nice, Uncle Mc?

I will scare you if you promise you won't be nice!

Are you comfortable?

Come, come, Antoine!

I want to show you my little private collection.

Wanna try?

Take it.

-I'm sorry, Heloise... -Where are you going?

I forgot something in my room. See you soon.

No, no, no.

A domestic problem, my little bird?

Did the handsome Alfred run out?

You dirty slut!

Monster, vampire wannabe!

Aren't you ashamed? Playing on a pure heart's weaknesses?

Come on, calm down, my dear friend. She's not abusing. I was just showing her the chair functioning.

No, not now!

Boris!

Enough with your games. Get up and get washed.

Boris!

-It's not me, it's him! -Who?

Here. Have a drink.

He's completely mad, Tovaritch.

Bojemoi, Bojemoi (russian)...

-He's completely mad. -Mado is dead? -Completely, Tovaritch.

She probably flirted with him

with all the delicacy she was known for.

-And then? -Then?

You know he's lost his balls. More queer than him you die!

I think I can handle him, Tovaritch. Go get some help, cops if you can.

Help!

Mc Gregor! Mc Gregor!

Enough with the games, Mc Gregor! Mado is dead! The village idiot axed her!

But..

But what happened?

When you left the old witch got batty and she gave him whip lashes. He fell half-dead.

The candles? Where did you put the candles? Go get them!

I've had enough with you, go away! And you, why are you tied to this chair?

Don't bother. It's solid enough.They tied me here before Mc got his stroke.

If you didn't run.

If you weren't afraid for your chastity I wouldn't be in this chair.

Precisely. If I ran earlier maybe Mado would be still alive.

Our little trip is getting more and more perilous.

Don't worry, Marie.

I'm here, I'm with you. I won't leave you.

Madeleine is dead. I have to call the police. Where's the phone?

The phone?

You hear that, Mc Gregor?

He thinks he's a great fantasy writer and he asks for the phone!

-Alfred! -Stop it, Heloise!

Stop it!

Sit down, Antoine.

And now you're gonna die.

You too, little slut!

Why should I worry if everybody dies?

Mc Gregor is dead.

I will become old alone in this castle.

Madly romantic, isn't it?

How nice of you to come visiting an old lonely woman.

You will have a cup of tea, won't you? Yes, yes, I insist. I will get it for you.

Completely mad!

-Dangerous too! -And strong like an hoax. All alone she put old Mc on the table.

-What is she doing? -She takes off her clothes.

That was missing!

You're gonna die, Antoine.

But I'll grant you a last moment of happiness before that.

You will love me like a beast!

I want a child from you.

And I will never be alone in this castle.

How I love you, Antoine.

If I untie one of your hand, you will use it for my pleasure, won't you?

Untie me, Heloise!

You won't cheat me, my little friend.

Alfred!

You're so handsome.

Why are you so evil with your little Heloise?

You 're gonna love me!

You will beg me until we make love!

So handsome!

He's handsome, isn't he?

His legs, strong like two oaks.

Do you love me, Antoine?

Wait for me, then.

You must learn to be patient for your loved one.

You've seen his legs. They look like two oaks.

The perfect place to carve my name, my name in full!

Maybe you thought I would sign with a heart pierced by Cupidon's arrow.

No. I will carve my name, letter after letter. Heloise.

Yes!

You're gonna love me, Antoine!

We will roll and have sex on the floor,

our two bloods mixing together.

Because I'm still a virgin, Antoine!

You won't back down this time!

You know, it's not so sure that Abelard hurt himself alone with his axe a long time ago.

Maybe I was with him!

Mc Gregor was very happy with the situation and didn't try to clear it.

Unless it was Mc Gregor hurting Abelard.

He wanted so much to marry me.

Don't you agree, Mc Gregor?

Germaine, I've alreaddy told you a hundred times to not ressurect me so roughly!

-I'm sorry, Mc Gregor, I won't do it anymore. -It's bad for my ticker!

-Is she ready? -Yes.

I've done according to your will.

Untie her.

Please, don't do that. I'm still a virgin.

A virgin?

Heloise...

I've found a virgin.

Come here, my little dove!

My little lamb, my angel!

You will be dazzled by the light of a hundred suns!

And our child will have the genius of all the Draculas of this world!

And the beauty of all the virgins of this earth!

You will spend your life prostrating yourself before him!

-I will live in his eyes, I will be his soul! -Mc Gregor, you make me dizzy! -Leave me alone, I'm busy.

Stop it, Mc Gregor!

-Why? She loves it, you know. -Madeleine is dead.

How unfortunate, how did it happen?

Abelard staked an axe in her back.

How clumsy of him!

And how do you know that, young prince?

I've seen her corpse, I've touched it.

-Where is it? -In the corridor.

Are you sure?

Are you really sure?

I have myself made up a few living beings with bits and pieces of dead bodies.

Some bits very old, older than the earth itself!

Darling, don't you think you're a little over the top?

-Over the top? Don't you remember Loewe from Turville. -True, he was very strong.

Strong like an elephant and almost immortal.

-You can get up, now. -Maybe...

-But he was not very beautiful. -My dear, we can't have it all.

Look at the size of this heavenly bird.

Do you remember last night?

Touch it!

Touch it!

Isn't it astonishingly soft?

No scars.

Mc Gregor, will the devil be our guest, tonight?

-I hope not! -What's the difference for you?

You don't believe in the devil.

Even if he was standing in front of you, you wouldn't believe. When you don't understand a thing you bury it at once in your mind.

Maybe I'm the devil. How would you know?

Please, Mc Gregor, play the devil for me!

-Not tonight, my darling. There's a virgin with us. She would be afraid.

No. I promise I won't.

You see how I'm right to get out of horror movies. Even virgins are not afraid ot the devil, these days.

It's just that I'm not completely virgin.

My dear little girl...

Either you are, either you're not a virgin. Make your choice.

I've got the ingenue part and my manager says all ingenues are virgins.

And your manager thinks ingenues should not believe in the devil.

What strange times we live in!

Yes, my dear friend. Fear is in decrepitude.

Fear is getting old.

Aren't you afraid of getting aged?

Are you afraid of getting old?

I don't know, Madam.

She's not afraid of getting older, my sweet. She's in love.

There's no age to be in love.

And since she's in love she's pure at heart.

Since she's in love she's pure at heart.

Is it always true, Mc Gregor?

Indeed, it is. Time can't restrain love.

I love you.

I love you too, my sweet old friend.

Please, Mc Gregor, play the wolf!

Then the were-wolf.

-And the devil too. -I can't play the devil, Heloise. Not for you.

Playing the devil is a dirty job.

You can't be creative. You get no choice.

And when you get no choice

you lose your dignity. You must play the bad guy all day long forever.

You transform into a machine.

I was that machine.

Now it's all over. No-one will be able to force me doing something.

I'm free.

I have the right to be soft.

I will tell you a secret but you must never repeat it.

With you...

I want to play God.

Only for you.

That's why you're the most beautiful to me.

Because of you...

I can create for the first time.

What do you want to create, Mc Gregor?

I create your smile.

The softness of your hands.

The oval of your eyes, the heat of your body.

I'm creating the small of your back.

and the chill of your skin.

I'm creating your liveliness, your tenderness.

I love you.

I love you too, my old lady.

My dear old friend.

Shoot.

"The Incompetents". 24. First take.

Cut.

Shit!

We're shooting, boss?

"The Incompetents". Plan 67. "The Incompetents". Plan 46. First take.

Cut.

You're fired!

Hurry up, for god's sake!

Theres nothing else to shoot here. Incompetents!

Put everything back in its place. Hurry up!

"I'm sick of them,

the romantics.

I'm fed up with

the old sadists.

I need a man and, if possible, lots of men.

Take a breath and follow me.

Unless you're a vampire or Dracula."

What is it? What's the trouble?

You're fired! All of you!

Come on. Here.

Shoot, for God's sake. Here!

What's happening here, Tovaritch?

What are you doing?

-You recycle? -Boss ordered me to shoot, I'm just obeying. -What's happening?

He said he doesn't give a shit about horror and that cinema's futur is "this".

-What is "This"? -"This".

Cinema's futur, you're saying? Then, maybe I could recycle too.

Why?

Think about all the actors that will need make-up now.

Fantastic!

Fantastic!

Abelard!

Do you think it's romantic?

Not at all.

We're going to leave.

-Leave? -We have to.

Abelard, you know the last thing you have to do.

-Heloise. -Abelard. I know.

-And time will stand still? -Of course, Heloise.

-How will you do that, Mc Gregor? -Very simple, my dove.

To stop time space have to disappear.

And you can do that?

There's nothing I can't do.

Will you court me?

Yes, of course. And maybe more...

Don't say a word. Not yet.

I will create the universe again for you.

I will create it as you wish.

You know how to do?

I don't know anything but I will find out to please you.

I will only leave the moon...

all white. And us. And the trees. -It will be wonderful.

We'll have to sweep up. A lot.

-We could go somewhere else, if you prefer? -No, we stay. We'll have to sweep up, that's all.

Sweep up all the ugliness.

All the noise. Finished with the noise.

Only the whistle of the wind will stay.

-We'll succeed. -Listen!

Earth has shaken.

Abelard, isn't it?

Of course. Come.

Timings: Pinhead Translation: aloysius70

CINEMAGEDDON