Original subtitles

[instrumental music playing]

["King Frat" playing]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Welcome, everybody Come and join the party ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ The place is always crowded Kids are always loaded ♪

♪ All the kids are playing Everybody's stayin' ♪

♪ Always something Crazy to do ♪

♪ Everybody knows The place is a zoo ♪

♪ Kids are having The times of their lives ♪

[all yelling and laughing]

♪ You can too

[laughing]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Booze is always flowing Smoke is always blowing ♪

♪ Causing such a riot Place is never quiet ♪

♪ Pulling stunts to put The dean on the spot ♪

♪ When you run against The campus' shot ♪

♪ Once you've seen him There's no way to deny it ♪

♪ Sweet enough

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Always on the run Never meet the guardian ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Everybody's laughing What a time they're having ♪

♪ Joking with their buddies And teasing all the others ♪

[whistle blowing]

♪ It's a circus game Instead of a school ♪

♪ And the clowns are trying To break every rule ♪

♪ If you wanted You can come join the fun ♪

♪ If you run

[tires squealing]

Oh, God. Would you look at that?

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Place is always funky Everybody's talking ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Campus isn't moving Because of what they're doing ♪

♪ Causing a sensation And waking up the nation ♪

Gross!

Bobby, I can't believe those guys haven't been kicked out of school yet.

One more look at those hairy butts, and I'm gonna puke.

They still haven't found the films they made in the girls' locker room.

Betty, if I had a nickel for every pair of panties they've stolen from me...

They're a bunch of jerk-offs!

Assholes!

[all laughing raucously]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ The guys are always teaming Imagine what they're steaming ♪

[farting]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

You rascals!

[groans]

[groaning]

[Dean Doyle] I'm the dean of students at this college,

and I'll deal with the Pi Kaps in my own way.

But, sir, they're running rampant again.

I'm letting them run rampant.

Got a new strategy this year.

I'm not gonna bother getting them kicked off campus.

I'm not gonna bother getting their charter revoked.

I'm gonna straighten out the Pi Kaps personally.

Just like I straightened out the state pen when I was warden there.

But, sir, wasn't that prison burned down to the ground by inmates?

[blows]

Don't ever mention that.

Don't ever mention that!

When I take over... [chuckles]

I'm gonna have everybody walking the line.

Fraternities, faculty, everybody.

And what I'd do to Pi Kappa Delta,

[chuckles]

that will be a cornerstone of my presidency.

♪

[clattering]

[men laughing]

[Splash] Did you see that old lady seeing my black ass?

"Look at that black ass!"

-Hey, Splash. -Yeah?

I think I was recognized.

What, did you have a harelip on your ass?

Hey. I'll see you. I got to go to work.

Let's get the beer.

[laughing]

Whoo!

Hey, Chief! Chief!

Here's your ration, Chief.

Uh-uh! It's suds call.

Hey! What's happening?

Hey, Kevin, it's suds call.

Oh, no, no, I can't. I got to go to the library, do some studying.

Next time, though, okay?

-Okay. -[laughs] Hey, Jock.

Don't strain yourself. Yes, good.

Hmm. Hey, Chief, how you doing, huh?

[gulping]

Hey, hey! Suds call! All right!

Listen up and look up. Here you go!

Here's one for you, there's another one for you,

there's one for you,

and here's a last one for you.

Hey, listen up. Here's a kiss for you, darling.

[farts]

[laughing]

[dripping]

-[bell clanging] -Hey! Beer call!

Come and get it if you want 'em, all!

-Hey! -Hey!

Hey! There you go!

Got your lunches over here. Now, look at it.

Come and get it. Get it here.

Get your stuff.

[movie projector whirring]

[GrossOut] Hey, you jerk-offs. How about some beer?

Hey, hey! Hey, what's going on?

Ooh, movies! All right!

Whoo-hoo!

[man 1] Hey!

GrossOut, you are fucking gross. Get out of there!

-[man 2] Come on! -[man 3] Hey!

[man 1] Come on! I've been waiting all week to see her!

-[man 4] Oh, my God! -[man 1] Jesus Christ!

Will you get out of there, you stupid shit?

[man 1] Hey, here's where they notice. Watch this.

Watch, here's where they notice.

[all laughing]

♪

I don't know what's coming.

Hey, Splash, you take care with Dionysus here, okay?

Yeah, don't get his feet wet.

You motherfucker.

[sniffing]

Needs something.

Pepper. Pepper, that's it.

Oh. [spits] God.

GrossOut, where is Kevin?

Beats the shit out of me, Chief.

How about some spags?

No, no. White man food.

It don't matter. It ain't done yet, anyway.

Look like... dog dropping.

[sniffs]

Smell like pig shit.

I know. I make all your favorites.

[toilet flushing]

Chief, the toilets are running again.

I tell you, I tell all of you,

you put in toilet number one, you put in toilet number two.

You put in something else, it's not my fault.

Hey, GrossOut, is that stuff ready yet?

Patience, Fred.

[spits]

That's ready.

And that's ready.

Hey, my gum.

Mmm.

That ain't it.

Where the fuck is that?

You work hard, Kevin. That good. You genius.

You have bright future.

You'll be a rich man before you 30 years old.

Red man like me? No way.

Ten years I go to the school on G.I. Bill,

still a sophomore.

I am screwed.

[sighs]

Kevin, do you know how Yellowstream get its name?

You know how Yellowstream get its name?

I tell you many times.

But we're friends, blood brothers.

Let me tell you how Yellowstream get its name, Kevin.

[tribal music playing]

Many years ago, my people, the Kissawong, lived on this very land.

Hunted the forests, fished in the streams.

It was our land.

Then the white man came and drove my people up the river

into the rocky hills where not even a gopher could live.

My ancestors didn't like that.

My ancestors pissed in white man's water for 50 years.

White man never knew.

Fucking dummies!

[chanting in native language]

Beer, Chief. Beer?

Oh.

Okay, okay. Santa Claus is here.

Now, who ordered what?

[clanging]

How did it go tonight, Splash?

Just like having your own personal department store.

Say, where is GrossOut? I just happen to have his history paper.

[farts]

[exhales]

Holy shit! Fart contest!

Whoo! What?

I say, what was Alpha doing with this, huh?

Question is, what are we gonna do with it?

Yeah. [chuckles]

Hey. Hey, guys!

Look at this. Look at this.

The Daily Crock is sponsoring the contest.

That undercover rag.

GrossOut, I told you, if you keep reading that thing,

your pecker's gonna fall off.

Yeah, but look, it says, "First annual fart contest..."

Wait, wait. Let me see that. Let me see that.

Oh, yeah. It's for real.

Holy shit! Five hundred bucks for first prize.

Kevin, how many kegs of brew is that?

Thirty-seven point eight at today's market closing.

Holy shit, 37-point-fucking-8 kegs of brew.

Can you imagine that?

Man, we can party all the way to St. Patrick's Day!

[all exclaiming]

Uh, there's an entrance fee, guys.

How much?

Shit, too much, 50 bucks.

Anything is too much. Our treasury is already blown, you guys.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We got a cherry coming in here tomorrow night, a new pledge.

Uh, Tommy... Tommy something or the other.

I think his parents could be persuaded to sponsor us.

[laughs] You guys are just... just too, too much.

Do you think we got a chance at winning?

Does GrossOut have an asshole?

[farts]

[laughing]

That's how I spell "relief."

♪

[typewriter clacking]

[church bell tolling]

[organ music playing]

[Dean Doyle] Members of Yellowstream community,

this is indeed a sad day for us all.

We've come together today to mourn the untimely passing

of one of the most respected and revered members of our community.

Our beloved president, Robert J. McGafferty

It's heartwarming to see so many students and friends here today.

The mark of a man is the love he leaves behind,

and we are a college full of love

for this fine administrator...

[sobbing]

...educator, and public servant.

[continues indistinctly]

Hey, look, there's a vent we can use.

He was the youngest president Yellowstream has ever had,

and his term of office was unfortunately marred

by a general relaxation of the discipline

for which Yellowstream has been known.

And not all of us agreed with Bob's handling of student affairs.

Man, this is some dynamite shit!

It's too bad we gotta waste it like this.

Well, it might be a waste of good shit,

but at least it's going to a better calling.

[blowing]

[Dean Doyle] He was always the first to admit

that he may have been too easy on them.

But all that's going to change.

The board of directors is selecting a new president,

who, hopefully, will correct the mistakes of the past.

[crowd giggling]

Who will move the school back where it belongs,

where "discipline" is not a dirty word,

and bizarre behavior can be dealt with severely.

[muffled laughs]

I'm sorry that strikes you as funny over here.

He spent his entire life in academia.

He's never had the opportunity to discover what people do

when all restraints are lifted.

Right here,

right here on this campus, we have a fraternity.

And I'm not mentioning any names.

This fraternity feels as though they have the run of the entire school.

[crowd laughing]

Well, they're in for a big surprise!

What the hell is so damn funny?

[all laughing]

I wasn't warden at state pen for nothing.

I know how to deal with people.

I won't make the same mistakes McGafferty made.

He was weak.

He thought you could make students listen to reason.

You were a fool!

[hysterical laughter]

And see where it got you.

Well, now it's my turn!

You rat-fat-faced, mealy-mouthed weasel!

I'll bury you myself!

Those punk heads, they think that college is summer camp!

You farty freak!

You coddled and babied them.

Are you listening to me?

Listen!

Good riddance!

[yelling]

You schmuck!

Hell, yeah!

This is the time, baby!

[yelling indistinctly]

I'll dig the hole myself!

[laughter continues]

♪

Oh, yeah.

So how do you like it? Neat, huh?

This can't be it.

Oh, God! Tommy dear,

when Dad and I said you could pledge a fraternity,

we had no idea you'd choose something like this.

We thought perhaps you'd choose a nice house.

A fraternity like Alpha Omega.

No, Mom! Gee!

[Chief] Yeah!

-Whoo! -Oh, my God!

[yelling in native language]

[exclaiming]

-Chief, Chief, Chief! -What was that?

Ah! Missed him again.

Ah! Mr. and Mrs. Mathews.

Oh, how good of you to bring Tommy with you! [laughs]

Oh, hi, I'm Kevin. Pi Kappa Delta's pledge master.

Oh, and that over there, that was Chief Latrine.

Hey, did you know that he's a true Kissawong Indian?

No, listen, you don't have to worry about him.

He's a little shell-shocked since the Korean War.

You know, we can't take him to a Chinese restaurant.

[laughs] He thinks he's back in Pork Chop Hill again.

[laughs] Get it? Pork Chop... Forget it.

Hey! Hey, hey, Tommy. How you doing?

You're all ready for initiation day?

Hey, GrossOut is still here. You remember the whole--

We'll just get Tommy settled.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No parents are allowed inside when we initiate a pledge.

Oh, but there's no need to worry.

Yellowstream has a fine ambulance service.

[laughing]

[whistle blowing]

[door opens]

[drum roll playing]

Guys, meet the Mathews.

Mathews, meet the guys.

[creaking]

[growling]

[laughs]

Uh, there is a one-time initiation fee, sir.

Did Tommy explain that to you?

What for?

Oh, well, to assure that Tommy doesn't get initiated.

What kind of a con game is this?

Uh, George, I think the boy is serious

and, um, sincere.

How much?

Oh... $500.

Five hundred dollars?

Ah, here's the official Pi Kap courtesy car.

[Mrs. Mathews gasps]

Hello, everybody.

[laughs] And if you folks are ready,

it will take you back to the station.

Oh, you, sir, keep writing, please. Thank you.

-Tommy, remember to brush your teeth every night. -Okay, Mom.

-And no late school nights, you hear? -Okay.

-And remember to change your underwear every day. -Oh, Mom!

-Watch out, watch out. -Make a hole. Make a hole.

Whoops.

[GrossOut] Make another hole up there.

Let me introduce you to Fred, our president.

Do you know that he's been kicked out

of some of the best schools in the country?

[Fred] Come on, Tommy, I'll show you around.

[laughing]

Call once a week, son, and write when you can.

Aw. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's really nothing to worry about, sir. Really.

We've never lost one of them yet, you know?

Well, just watch yourself here, Mrs. Mathews. Watch your head.

[laughs] Come on, we haven't lost one yet.

There you go.

So, uh, where do the other pledges sleep?

There are no other pledges.

You mean I'm the only one?

Yeah, well, consider it an honor.

Pi Kaps don't pledge just anyone, you know?

-[burps] -Think of all the attention you'll have.

Excuse me, I gotta make a fundraising call.

Uh, yeah, operator? How much is that?

Eighty-five cents.

Just a minute. I'll deposit.

Yes, you're quite welcome.

Have a nice trip.

Ta-ta!

[urinating]

-Hi. -Hey!

Gumbroski is the name, and drinking is my game.

This here is Griselda. Say hi, Griselda.

[Griselda] I love you.

[GrossOut laughs]

-Hello, Dad. Fred. -[speaking indistinctly]

Fred. Fred, your son.

You know what I like best about her?

She don't tell, she don't swell,

she is grateful as hell,

she's disease-free,

and best of all, she don't talk back.

[Griselda] I love to please you.

[GrossOut laughs]

The point is, I'm really getting myself together,

getting my, as they say around here, my shit together.

You wanna have a go at her?

Go ahead, you don't gotta worry about me being jealous.

[Griselda] I love it. I love it.

Make sure you give her a good scrubbing

-when you're done with her, though. -Me?

Yeah, you. Go ahead. Go right down the hall. They're...

Griselda, right?

Yeah. That's her name, Griselda.

[Griselda] I love you.

[burps]

♪

[laughing]

[toilet flushing]

[Kevin] Hey, hey. Listen to this.

"Habitual bean-eating

will multiply the normal production

of intestinal gas several times.

University of California, Berkeley

found that raisins and apple juice

doubled gas output.

Bananas increased it by 50 percent,

grape juice by 20 percent,

and orange juice and apricot nectar, not at all.

Flatus is..."

Fart.

"...is sometimes a sign of returning health

and surgeons use its occurrence after surgery as a signal for recovery."

[laughs]

Listen to this one!

"During electro surgery inside the colon,

flammable intestinal gases have occasionally led to explosions,

sometimes with fatal consequences."

[all laughing]

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

[farts]

[exhales]

How's that, guys, huh?

Oh, shit, GrossOut.

I've heard little kids do better than that.

Yeah, if that's the best you can do,

maybe we'd better forget the entrance fee, huh?

Well, come on, guys. How about give me half a chance?

This is a big opportunity for me.

You never know. I might be able to make my living at it.

[Fred] Well, then, you're gonna have to get with it.

Now you drink this.

[bubbling]

Oh, God!

What's in it, Chief? It-- Ugh.

Smells like it got turds in it.

What is it exactly, Chief?

Hairy buffalo punch.

Hairy buffalo, huh?

Two sips, and you'll be getting to smell like one.

Now drink it.

Oh, no way!

That stuff really work, Chief?

Do white man shit on toilet?

Down the hooch, GrossOut.

Ugh! Man, you can die from that shit.

Well, we got a hearse we could bury you in.

[laughs]

Okay, Jock.

I'm sincerely sorry for what I'm gonna have to do now, GrossOut.

No, no!

Okay, Chief, pour it down.

[groaning]

[stomach rumbling]

[grunting]

[explosion]

[crashing]

I told you it works.

[groans]

[burps]

[indistinct chattering]

[Tommy] You see that, GrossOut?

[Fred] I see it.

Let me handle this.

Oh, look who's on your left.

-Hey, Nancy, girls. -Hey.

I want you to meet Tommy, our new pledge.

-Hi. -Hi.

Say, maybe you girls would like to join us

for a little quiet dinner tonight?

Quiet dinner at the Pi Kap house? You're sick. [laughs]

Oh, we'll go out. Sort of a celebration.

What's the occasion?

Pi Kaps are about to come into a large sum of money.

-Hmm. -Come on, we'll spring for Chinese.

What do you say?

-Why not? -Okay!

♪ Chinese tonight

♪ Egg noodles makes it right

♪ Just hold my hand

[gong chiming]

[oriental music playing]

[indistinct chattering]

[laughing]

Mmm.

Ooh, broccoli. Mmm.

Fish. [chuckles]

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

[blows nose]

[burping]

[spits]

Well, here's one for you.

And another one for you.

Uh, I think I've had enough, GrossOut.

"Enough"?

A Pi Kap never [burps] has enough.

Drink it.

Well, I would if I could,

but I can't.

Come on, it's time for our first lesson.

[woman yelling in Chinese]

You gotta put away the sentiment, man. You gotta drink the brew.

-At least a half a case a night. -Half a case?

Minimum half a case. Hey, it ain't no sweat.

I had to start someplace.

Look, I didn't know how to do it

till I learned the Pi Kappa secret.

The secret?

Yes, secret. Look, I've taught the best of them,

and I've taught the worst of them.

You know that asshole Fred?

Well, he couldn't drink a banana daiquiri before I showed him the trick.

"The trick"?

The trick, the secret, it's all the same.

It comes out the same anyhow.

[burps]

-You see this finger? -Yeah.

-Just a finger, huh? -Yeah, just a finger.

-Notice anything about this finger? -No.

Well, watch this.

[gagging]

[vomiting]

[man speaking in Chinese]

That's what you call...

[coughs and burps]

...the Class III recycled Lee Wong special.

[spits]

[coughs] Now I'm set for the night.

The secret to drinking is puking?

Shh! Not so loud.

God.

[woman speaking in Chinese]

Go ahead, you do it.

[gagging]

Aw, hold it.

Just wait a minute. That ain't right.

Look, I don't wanna have to show you this again, so watch carefully this time.

[gagging]

[vomiting]

Go ahead, you try it.

[man] Okay.

[gagging and coughing]

I'm sorry, GrossOut, I just can't do it.

It's okay, Tommy.

Come here. I wanna talk to you.

[gagging]

[vomiting]

[coughing]

[panting]

Anybody can do it. You just gotta want to.

Come on, kid, let's go.

You did it, just like a trooper.

[laughs]

[clears throat]

Would you like to take care of this?

[grunting]

[woman squeals]

[Fred] Oh, my God! It's happening again!

Oh, Tommy, we gotta get him to a hospital. Poor guy.

I told him not to eat... Oh, Jesus Christ!

Hurry. He's not gonna make it this time.

Oh, Jesus.

[men laughing]

That was terrific. How'd you learn how to do that?

Talent.

It's just talent, my friend.

Did you see that cook's face when I was rolling around on the floor?

[in Chinese accent] "Oh, hey, big boy,

what you doing down there on the floor, huh?"

[vomits]

Oh, shit!

Oh, no, puke! That's yuck!

[indistinct chattering]

Kevin, Kevin, where's the Chief?

Don't worry about it. He'll be here.

That stuff has to be prepared at the last minute in order for it to work.

Any competition?

Hell, no. There's a bunch of candy-asses down there.

Are you boys ready?

-Which one of you is the contestant? -Me.

I should have known. You have such a big bum.

Please, don't be nervous,

because if you're nervous, you can't get a good fart.

Be calm. Calm. That's the main thing.

-[cheering] -[fanfare playing]

I'm on! I'm on!

[audience cheering]

Simmer down. Simmer down, please, please.

Shh! Folks, simmer down. This is it, the main event.

Welcome to our first annual Daily Crock Benefit Fart Contest,

you beautiful people.

Now, before we start, let me ask you all a question.

Anybody know what a fart is?

Nobody.

A fart is the sharpest thing in the world.

Goes right through the pants without leaving a hole.

Huh, it stinks. What can we do?

[all groaning]

-And now-- -[motorcycle revving]

[audience cheering]

Holy shit! Do you know who that is?

Who?

That's Bucky Zackabreski, man.

-The Bucky Zackabreski? -The Bucky Zackabreski. Yeah.

The Bucky Zackabreski you told me about?

The same Bucky Zackabreski that used to go out

with a certain J.J. "GrossOut" Gumbroski at high school?

The same. The grossest of the gross, man.

[laughs] Yeah, well, she doesn't look so bad to me.

Oh, wait till you smell her farts.

[audience cheering]

Hey, J.J. I heard you was entered.

I've come to do battle with you. Just like old times, huh?

Don't call me J.J., and don't think you'd get me in the toilet again either.

Oh, J.J., it's been a long time.

You're lookin' good as ever. You lost some of that baby fat.

But now you're into new things.

Looks like I got some stiff competition.

But just remember, I taught you everything you know.

Ugh! [spits]

Oh, just like that piggy I went out in high school.

See you later.

[laughs]

Sure, I can understand that you'd wanna treasure your virginity, Joan,

but I treasure mine too.

It's just that if you keep it buried too deep, you may never find it.

I don't know, Tommy.

[fanfare playing]

Quiet, please. Quiet. Calm down. Calm down. We're about to start.

[laughing]

Our contestants are all primed and ready to go.

Points will be awarded on the basis of loudness,

and each contestant gets three chances to perform,

and the total points scored

will determine his or her final standing.

Now, each contestant must break wind within 20 seconds.

Anyone drawing mud will be disqualified.

Ladies and gentlemen, may the best asshole win.

-[audience cheering] -[fanfare playing]

Let me explain to you how this fartometer works.

It was created by some of the brilliantest minds in the history of fartology.

Now, the first level.

[fartometer beeping]

Hold your nose.

The second level. Phew!

[fartometer beeping faster]

The third level. A stink.

[fartometer beeping rapidly]

-The fourth level. Check your pulse. -[fartometer blaring]

Now let's get started!

[cheering]

From the Yellowstream College School of Proctology,

known as "The Amazing Anus,"

Ira "Hemorrhoid" Cooperstein!

-[fanfare playing] -[audience cheering]

[farts softly]

[beeps]

A flubber! A flubber!

[audience murmuring]

Good for only one point.

[fanfare playing]

-Kevin. -Huh? What?

-I wanna know something. -What?

How come if this is a fart contest,

you keep rubbing my shoulders?

All right, all right, all right.

Stay loose, GrossOut, stay loose. Concentrate.

And there she is, Miss Baked Beans of 1979.

Our beautiful lady. A nice round of applause.

-[audience applauding] -Yes, sir.

Yes, sir!

[audience cheering]

Position, please.

Ooh.

[audience whistling]

Please, let her concentrate.

[chuckles]

Oh, dear.

[farts]

[fartometer beeping]

[audience cheering]

[fanfare playing]

And now from Pete's Super 60 gas station,

Frankie "Fartwell" Modjulario.

-[fanfare playing] -[audience cheering]

He looks like a humdinger. This boy looks like a real winner. Yes, yes.

[audience cheering]

[Frankie grunting]

What's the matter, Frank?

Stage fright.

You know you made an ass of yourself?

[audience booing]

[mutters indistinctly]

[male host] Next. Who we got next?

Miss Bucky Zackabreski!

Oh, yes!

-[fanfare playing] -[audience cheering]

Ooh, she's a beauty.

Position, please.

Hmm.

-[farts] -[fartometer beeping rapidly]

And ace! An atomic ace!

[all cheering]

[fanfare playing]

Chief, where have you been?

-You got the stuff? -Of course I got.

I go prepare now.

And now, the contestant you've all been waiting for, the pride of Pi Kap frat.

Last but not least, the inimitable J.J. "GrossOut" Gumbroski!

-[fanfare playing] -[audience cheering]

He looks like a champ to me. Position, please.

[audience chanting] GrossOut! GrossOut!

GrossOut! GrossOut! GrossOut! GrossOut!

[farts]

[chanting continues]

-[fartometer blaring] -[male host] And ace! An atomic ace!

[all cheering]

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!

-[fanfare playing] -[audience cheering]

♪

[audience applauding]

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Place is never boring Everybody's exploring ♪

♪ Something's always brewing Come, hear what they're doing ♪

[fartometer blaring]

[audience cheering]

[rumbling]

[explosion]

[howling]

[audience cheering]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

[fartometer beeping rapidly]

♪ Without a reputation Constant recreation ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ See who comes the closest Trying to be the grossest ♪

♪ Always misbehaving Everybody's waving ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

[all groaning in disgust]

[coughing]

[belches and groans]

Oh, we're fucked, Kevin.

Not so fast.

Look, I got a little gadget here

for just such an emergency.

Look, I bought this off from a guy from the physics lab for five bucks.

It's an insurance policy.

Now, he said it would amplify the sound

by at least 20 percent, guaranteed.

[chuckles] Just stick it in.

"Stick it in"?

[both] Stick it in.

[fanfare playing]

[farts]

-[fartometer buzzing] -A four.

A lousy four.

Let's give her a nice hand there, folks. Come on.

This thing don't feel right.

Why? What's wrong?

It feels like it's slipping or something.

[male host] Next! Who we got next out there? Who's next?

Everyone's waiting. It'll be all right.

Ah, yes! J.J. "GrossOut" Gumbroski!

How about it?

[audience cheering]

Quiet, please. Folks, quiet.

This is the moment you've all been waiting for.

Please.

Are you ready?

Position, please.

[audience chanting] Fart, fart, fart!

[farts]

[fartometer buzzing]

[defecating]

Gumbroski has drawn mud.

[all groaning]

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner and new champion,

Bucky Zackabreski!

Oh, you won the contest for me, didn't you, J.J.?

You still love me, don't you, darling?

[indistinct muttering]

[groaning]

[Percy] I don't trust them, Dean.

[Dean Doyle] You don't have to trust them, Percy.

All you have to do is keep your eyes on them.

Surveillance, that's the key.

As long as you know what they're doing, they can't surprise you.

All right.

Those Pi Kaps can't go to the bathroom

without me knowing about it.

So when they make their next movement,

you'll be ready and waiting, right?

Wrong, Percy.

You'll be ready and waiting for 'em.

As soon as the selection committee meets

to choose the next president of Yellowstream,

I expect to be moving out of this office and into a larger one.

I've worked long and hard for this.

I'm the logical choice.

They can't deny me. I've brought this college under control.

I've made everybody toe the line.

All except the Pi Kaps.

The Pi Kaps!

That was McGafferty's fault.

He wouldn't let me bear down.

Well, now there's nothing standing between me and those guys. Nothing!

[chuckles softly]

They're finished.

They just don't know it yet.

[both laughing]

["Standing at the Crossroads" playing]

[woman screaming]

Get your hands off my ass!

♪ When I was So much younger ♪

♪ Didn't know How to care ♪

♪ I was so fast and free

♪ I was unaware

♪ Seen it on my own

♪ Somehow I turned out great ♪

Yeah, but it wasn't too long.

Ooh, you already got a beer, huh? Good music.

♪ Crossroads

♪ Now I'm at The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

[Dean Doyle] They're a mean, rotten bunch, Percy.

Watch your step.

[Percy] 10-14.

[armor rattling]

[man yelling]

[laughing]

Hey, man. I like your helmet.

[Dean Doyle] Percy, what happened?

What the hell is going on?

I think they like my costume.

Well, don't sit on your ass, Percy.

Get up and go inside.

♪ Now I'm at The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

♪ Crossroads

♪ Standing at The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

[Dean Doyle] Percy, what do you see now?

[indistinct chattering]

[Percy] I see a gorilla dancing with a girl, Dean.

And I see a campus cop without a job.

Cut the crap, Percy.

Get on with it!

Yes, Sir Dean.

♪ I'm at the crossroads Of my life ♪

♪ Crossroads

♪ Now I'm at The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

♪ Crossroads

♪ Standing at The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

♪ If you're feeling down

♪ And confused on Which way to go ♪

♪ Lost and at The crossroads ♪

♪ 'Cause that keeps you Feeling alive ♪

♪ And you might want It out with me ♪

♪ Crossroads

♪ Now I'm at The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

♪ Crossroads

♪ Standing at The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

Want a sip of beer, Griselda?

J.J. J.J., where have you been?

Do you know how long I've been looking for you?

No, how long?

Oh, J.J., come on.

We've had our bad times, sure we have,

but I'm not a woman who holds grudges.

I'm willing to forgive and forget.

How about it, huh?

You think we should be talking like this in front of Griselda?

Griselda? You mean that balloon?

-Kevin! -Hi, Margie.

What did you come as?

Lady Godiva.

Good likeness.

Oh, J.J., give me another chance.

You won't be sorry.

Oh, yes, I will.

[groans]

Look, I gotta go take a dump.

You sit here, don't get up,

don't move, don't do nothing.

[Middle Eastern music playing]

Hey, you want a piece?

You got a piece.

[both moaning]

♪

Oh, damn, Bucky!

You don't even let a guy take a good dump without following him around.

Oh, J.J., it's just like old times, isn't it?

It was the only time to get you away from that humanoid balloon.

Oh, shit!

Ooh, I love it when you speak French to me.

[groaning]

[defecates]

Long time ago, my people, the Kissawong,

lived on this very land.

[Chief] Hunted the forests and fished the streams.

Then the white man came.

The white man came and drove my people up--

Let's do it. Come on.

Now? In the middle of the party?

Yeah, now.

I gotta tell you, this is gonna be on my ass.

Come on, come on.

[music continues]

[GrossOut] Damn it.

[GrossOut] Damn it.

Shh.

[yells]

I'll take the ball, place it into my hand,

take this ball, place it into your hand, and close it tight.

There's a ball in my hand, a ball in your hand,

and a wand and a pocket watch.

One, two, three, mine's gone. Open up your hand.

Two balls.

[man] That's crazy.

One more time. We're gonna do it a little different this time.

That leaves you with two balls and a magical wand.

Watch. When I hit the wand over like that,

did you see it happen?

Don't open up your hand.

Could you rub your hand over it like that, if you would?

Rub your hand over.

I think something's happened. What goes with two balls?

[giggling]

[all laughing]

You don't know what goes with two balls?

Take a look and let's see.

[all laughing]

[gasps]

I'm telling you, it's Griselda!

She don't eat garlic,

she's never embarrassed me in front of my friends,

and most of all, Bucky,

her farts smell better than yours.

-Oh, J.J. -And don't call me J.J.!

Oh, I love it when you get angry.

[slow music playing]

[GrossOut] Guys, I gotta get in there.

I gotta go into the loo. Look out.

[burps]

[urinating]

[exhales]

[woman] Get your hands off my ass!

[screams]

Oh, J.J., I just love it when you scream.

Give me a description.

It's about two feet ten inches tall, uh, 50 pounds,

well-hung.

Well-hung?

Yeah, you know. It has a...

[clears throat] It has a large penis.

"Large penis."

Look, Boyd.

Hey, let me see that.

Oh, my God, they defiled him.

Isn't that a rather large wang

for a statue two feet ten inches tall?

It's always been that size, sir.

Stood here for 40 years.

It's our sacred phallus.

Look what they've done to it.

Your sacred phallus?

-I think I know who's behind this, Lloyd. -Who?

-So do I, Boyd. -Who?

And I think this is the rope that's gonna hang 'em.

Hang who?

We strike tonight, Percy. We get 'em in one swoop.

Who?

[suspenseful music playing]

[snoring]

They are a mean, rotten bunch, Percy. Watch your step.

[Percy] Psst!

[clattering]

All right, everybody, freeze!

We got a search warrant.

Signed too! No tricks!

All right, I've got you by the short hairs now!

Breaking and entering, huh?

Burglary!

Possession of stolen property.

That's big time.

No parole, no probation, no mercy--

I'll see this traveling circle jerks of yours in leg irons!

And you, you slob, don't try to look so innocent.

I wasn't trying to look innocent, I was trying to look guilty.

Now, we've got a warrant to search this place,

and you all know what we're looking for.

So why don't you get smart?

Why don't you make it easy on yourselves?

Turn over that statue right now.

You're not accusing us of stealing that--

Stuff a sock in it, son.

Percy, let's start searching.

Degenerate!

♪

Is there someone in there?

Answer me!

[farts]

[gags]

[coughing]

[clattering]

[sighs]

Oh, pardon me, miss.

Miss?

Miss?

Oh.

I love it. I love it.

Fornicate me.

Who, me? I'm married.

I love you. Kiss me, kiss me.

Dean Doyle!

Dean Doyle!

I love to please you.

I'm a real girl.

[Percy] Dean Doyle!

Dean Doyle! Dean Doyle!

Griselda!

I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you, I love you...

Filthy, disgusting degenerates!

[hissing]

You fucking murderers!

[yells]

Shit!

[crashing]

-I'll see you tomorrow. -Okay, yeah. I'll see you.

-Bye-bye. -Bye.

[sighs]

♪

[grunts]

Bobby, come on.

Betty, did you have a good time at the homecoming dance?

I would have, if it hadn't been

for that funny stuff in the punch bowl.

You can't go to a party anymore where there's Pi Kaps

without having those rubber things floating around.

Wow!

This is terrific!

Bobby, I can't stand those fucking guys.

They are such total jerks.

Why don't they kick 'em off campus?

Kick 'em off campus?

They ought to kick 'em in the balls.

They ought to string them up.

They're disgusting!

Come on, give me a boost up the tree.

We're looking for bigger game tonight.

[chuckling]

Can you see anything?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. [chuckling]

Is she pretty?

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

What's she wearing?

Not much.

What is she doing now?

She's looking at me and...

and she's...

-[screaming] -Screaming.

Oh, shit!

[grunts]

[groans]

[woman] I feel so awful and so responsible.

-Should we take the mask off? -Good idea.

Oh, my gosh. He's so good-looking.

Why would he wanna go around dressed as an ape?

It's a long story.

I feel so awful. I hope he isn't badly hurt.

Are you okay? Can you hear me?

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

Excuse us, ma'am.

-Can I go with him? -Why not?

Come on, let's follow in my car.

[tires screeching]

About time that jerk took a tumble.

[siren wailing]

Air.

-[gasping] -What?

-Air. [coughs] -Air.

-I can't breathe. -Okay.

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe. [coughs]

You can't breathe?

Do... Do you want me to undo this?

Yes, yes, hurry.

[panting]

-It's jammed. I can't get it out. -Hurry.

[groaning]

Is that better?

[chuckles] Yeah.

Tommy, why are you still there?

You're not turning into one of those jerk-offs, are you?

Do I have a choice?

[siren wailing]

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

-Are you okay -It's all right. It's all right.

I want you to move. You're on my stomach. I can't breathe.

Could you move down a little?

Yeah, a little. Yes.

You've got an erection!

Boy, I hope he's not hurt too bad.

Don't worry. We'll be there in a few minutes.

How is Kong doing?

[moaning]

[whimpering]

Okay, let me get a look right in your ear.

Good. Very good.

Are you a real doctor?

The pain is not up there. The pain is down here!

-I can't relieve myself. -You can't what?

Relieve myself.

Urinate. I can't piss!

Doctor, he can't piss!

[woman over P.A.] Dr. Jordan to emergency.

Four times a night I go into the bathroom.

What happens? I dribble.

Dribble droplets, that's all. I don't...

-It burns, my-- -Are you sure?

Huh? What happened? What?

Uh, listen, excuse me just a moment.

But, Doctor... I...

[gasps]

This is impossible. I mean, ask anybody.

This is medically impossible.

I mean, maybe in dogs or MAD magazine, but never in humans.

Doc, Doc, will you just get us unhooked?

Maybe in apes. No, not even apes.

Doctor, please!

I gotta get you guys outta here.

Well, I sure can't go home for the holidays like this.

Okay, let's get them out. Come on, let's go.

How can they go inside like that?

Wait. I have an idea.

This is unbelievable.

[woman over P.A.] Dr. Jordan to emergency.

Dr. Jordan to emergency.

[doctor] This is ridiculous.

Here we go. Let's bring them right down here.

How in the hell did you get in this position?

Watch this guy.

Let's go.

Okay, watch this corner. Watch this corner.

Okay, let's bring it right down.

Okay. Slowly. Right down. Come on.

Watch this, watch this. Watch this.

Okay, okay, all right. Take it easy.

All right, okay. To the left. To the left.

You're going to have to excuse us, ma'am.

We really have an emergency here.

Excuse us. Step right outside.

Very, very, very good. Okay.

That girl must be a real dog

if an ape put a bag over her head.

[woman over P.A.] Dr. Romero, Dr. Romero.

Please call front desk.

You kids are something else.

You run around fucking everything in sight.

But wait. Wait until you will get older,

then it will be just enough to take a good crap every day.

And a good piss too.

[grunting in pain]

Okay, okay, pull. Ow!

What's going on in there?

In my day, they just threw cold water.

They didn't make a production.

They cooled them off, and that's all.

Do you know what I mean?

Okay, this way now. No, no, this way.

One.

Okay, let's go again.

Two.

Okay. [panting]

Okay, come on, let's go, one more time. Here we go.

Three!

[pops]

[crashing]

[dog howling]

Excuse me.

[romantic music playing]

Tommy, please, don't.

I like you. I really do. But I can't.

I'm sorry, I just wish things were simple.

Yeah. Me too.

I've got to go.

-Yeah. -Tommy.

Good night.

[crashing]

I can't take it. I just can't take it.

Do you mean to tell me you've never gotten laid?

-Never? -Ever.

It's unheard of in a fellow of your age.

And a Pi Kap too. Totally unacceptable.

We can't let this get out. Let's de-pledge him.

De-pledge me? Come on, you guys.

God, if I knew it was that important,

I would have said something before.

Well, then we'll have to remedy the situation.

♪

Hey.

Well, Thomas, my boy. This is your big day.

Wait. But I don't know about this!

Give me that bag, 'cause you ain't gonna need it.

Look, guys. I don't... I don't know.

Maybe Joan's right. Maybe I'm not ready.

Maybe I should wait a little longer.

[laughs] Oh, no way.

You do an afternoon delight.

Watch out, front teeth.

[GrossOut laughing]

[slow music playing]

[burps]

Oh, no, not you again.

What's happening?

I hope you didn't bring that doll.

Imagine bringing a thing like that in here.

It's disgusting!

-Don't make fun of my doll-- -No, it's all right.

It's okay. He doesn't have it anymore.

Look, we brought in a cherry here

and we're treating him to a massage,

his very first massage.

We want your very best.

[Veronica] Our very best?

Money is no object.

Where'd you get that?

His father is paying for it.

Well, I see. How thoughtful.

Let me get my staff out here.

[whistle blowing]

All right, over here. Thomas, my boy.

Look at the goodies.

[mouthing]

I was hoping for someone really special.

Well, there is somebody that comes by here on a part-time basis.

If you want, I could see if she can come over.

It will cost you extra, though.

Well, there's only one first time.

He deserves the best.

Good talent is worth waiting for.

You might as well sit down.

[dialing]

-Mind if I smoke? -Huh?

Mind if I smoke?

Of course not. Do you mind if I fart?

[laughs]

Hello, Monica? Hi, this is Veronica.

Listen, can you possibly make it down here right away?

Yeah? I'll make it worth your while.

Okay. See ya.

She's coming right over.

Hey, Father Leadpipe. How is your bell now?

Oh, ringing as usual, Veronica.

[both laugh]

Right this way, Father.

This way, Father. This way. This way.

[burps]

Father?

[Veronica] Would you mind making room for the Father?

No, I gotta go take a dump anyhow.

Hey, where's the shitter?

The first door to your right.

What are you doing with these?

Oh, well, we put these panties in bags,

and staple them shut.

Customers buy them.

-They buy 'em? -Sure.

Sort of a souvenir of the occasion.

How much do you charge?

Ten bucks a pair.

Ten bucks? Kinda high, isn't it?

Not for these.

Veronica, I think I'm ready now.

Could you take the Father to the men's room?

Yeah, sure.

Come on, Father.

[defecating]

[sensual music playing]

The guy who comes here to get laid,

he usually has his shorts off.

Why don't you roll over, honey?

We'll get right to the good parts.

What the hell are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

[Boyd] It's been two days, gentlemen.

The police, Doyle, no one's turned up a clue.

Our sacred Dionysus is out there somewhere, defiled, alone.

He must be returned.

I say it's time we take matters into our own hands.

How do we do that, Boyd?

Well, we know there's stuff going on in the house,

and anyone capable of walking out of here with a hot comb

is capable of walking out with Dionysus.

We're dealing with an inside job.

One of us?

No, not a brother, a mother.

Pi Kaps have a man planted right here. I'm sure of it.

Who?

[Boyd] Splash.

Somebody called?

Splash, my friend, could I have a word with you?

Yes, boss.

Maybe you can help me.

You remember that statue we used to have here, the one that disappeared?

Yes, boss.

Well, if we could get it back,

it might be worth something for you.

Well, I think I might be able to locate it for you.

That's what I thought. Grab him.

Splash, you really fucked up.

In ancient Greece, when a messenger was given something important,

they often tattooed it to his scalp

and let the hair grow back out.

We have a message for that sick fraternity you belong to.

Only our message isn't so secret.

Here it is.

Look, the suckers were over in, Doyle's got us set up.

Now sooner or later, he'll be back with the storm troopers

and bust our collective asses.

I got yours, Chief. One pepperoni and peanut butter.

[sighs] Jesus. All you guys think about is eating.

We're in a serious situation here!

Well, a man can't fart or belch without eating.

Is it too late to take one more order?

Splash!

Oh, man! Who did this, Splash?

Those asshole Alphas.

Goddamn it!

That's it, man. They pushed us too damn far.

Anybody that can't take a harmless joke now and then has gotta pay for it.

Aw, shit. Let's get him to the couch.

Put this in.

Why'd they do it, Splash?

That statue.

If we were smart, we'd take that stone faggot back to those turds

and forget this whole damn thing.

Alphas!

Well, so much for that argument.

[spits and burps]

Alphas!

You in there?

You little legend of horseshits!

Show your faces, you...

chicken-shit faggots!

Yeah, you!

You take yourselves so goddamn serious.

Don't you know that all this is shit?

That you're a bunch of shits?

And that for the next 40 years of your lives

you're probably gonna be shoveling that shit.

What's he talking about, Lloyd?

Sounds like shit to me, Boyd.

[spits]

Hey, pig fucker and needle dick!

I got a present for you.

[glass breaking]

You want the rest of your precious statue back,

you know where to find it.

It's Pi Kappa house.

It's King-fucking-Frat on this campus.

It always has been, it always will be!

This does it, Lloyd.

[crunching]

Despicable scumbags.

We've got to get Dionysus back.

I think my foot's bleeding, Boyd.

We hit them tonight. We clobber that roach-trap.

[dramatic drum music playing]

Hey, when Dunstan Woods comes to Pi Kap house,

it must be the fucking Alphas.

[laughs]

[horn blowing]

[chanting] Alphas suck! Hey!

Alphas suck! Hey!

Alphas suck! Hey!

Alphas suck! Hey!

Alphas suck! Hey!

Alphas suck!

Alphas suck!

[all clamoring]

King-fucking-Frat!

[all yelling]

♪

Long time ago, my people, the Kissawong tribe,

lived on this very land.

We hunted the forests...

[siren wailing]

I want this... I want this terminated immediately!

Go back to your dorms!

To your dormitories!

I want this... I want this terminated immediately!

Mayday! Mayday!

[Dean Doyle] Go back to your dorms!

Go back to your dormitories!

I'll call up the riot squad,

and you all will be doing hard time!

I want this... I want this terminated immediately!

Go back to your dorms!

[siren wailing]

I'll call up the riot squad,

and you all will be doing hard time!

All right, I'll see you all in solitary!

♪ When you say, bud

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Place is never boring Everybody's exploring ♪

♪ Something's always brewing Come, hear what they're doing ♪

♪ Cutting loose and they're Polluting the skies ♪

♪ Nothing's going to Embarrass the guys ♪

♪ They'll do anything That's going to help them ♪

♪ Make their plans

Oh, shit!

Oh, no, not you again.

[grunting]

Hey!

♪

♪

Give me five!

[groans]

All right, fire one!

[screams]

Get 'em. Get 'em, Kevin! Get 'em, Kevin!

Fire two!

[screams]

[both laughing]

One more, one more.

All right. Fire three!

[screams]

[both laughing]

Do it again! Do it again!

Fire four!

You gotta forgive me for this.

[sirens wailing]

[whistle blowing]

[clamoring]

[man chuckling]

[indistinct chattering]

You're our legal mind, Gross.

What do you think our chances are?

[farts]

That's what I thought you'd say.

[murmuring]

I have news for you, lemmings.

You know who the judge is?

Howard the Duck?

Perry Mason?

Chief Running Antelope?

No, you smartasses.

It's Crumneagle.

Crumneagle!

The hanging judge of Yellowstream county!

[laughs]

[mimics choking]

Looks like Doyle finally bought a ticket to the funny farm.

I could give a shit, that fuckin' murderer.

Fucking dummy!

All rise!

All ears, all ears, all ears.

Those having business with the third circuit court of Yellowstream county

the honorable Judge Lester Crumneagle presiding.

Draw near and come to order!

Bailiff, read the complaint.

[bailiff] Oh, yes, Your Honor.

To speed things up, Your Honor,

-I'll read what the defendants are not charged with. -Leadpipe.

Uh, very well.

The Pi Kaps are not charged with grand theft auto or rape.

Otherwise, there are 362 counts lodged against them.

In addition, Your Honor,

building inspectors found 802 violations

of health, sanitation, and building codes.

Uh, yes, well...

You Honor, I have important information here

which may change the course of these proceedings.

That's all been cut and dried, Your Honor!

These animals belong in a pen.

And I'm just the hairpin that can make sure they get special attention.

So let's knock off this nonsense.

Who are you?

Dean Delbert Doyle.

Well, stick it, Doyle. This is my courtroom.

Now, what is that you were saying?

I'm talking about treaties, Your Honor, Indian treaties.

Some remarkable research has been done by this young man,

and also because of some recently discovered documents,

indicate that the land upon which Yellowstream College is located,

legally belongs to the Kissawong Indian tribe.

[all murmuring]

Your Honor, I only want to see justice done.

You want justice?

I'll show you justice.

Not guilty.

Case dismissed.

[groans]

Court...

has adjourned.

[cheering]

["King Frat" playing]

I love it. I love it.

But, sir, you can't put the Alphas on probation.

We have a 3.8 grade average.

And whenever one of us asks for a recommendation,

you write that we're all fuck-ups.

"Fuck-ups"? Did I say fuck-ups?

I mean to say "shitheads."

[belches]

[patriotic music playing]

[belches]

♪

♪