Original subtitles

♪ If you do want me Gimme little sugar ♪

♪ If you don't want me ♪

♪ Don't lead me on girl ♪

♪ But if you need me, Show me that you love me ♪

♪ And when I'm feeling blue And I want you ♪

♪ There's just one thing That you should do ♪

♪ Just gimme some Kind of sign girl ♪

♪ Oh, my baby ♪

♪ To show me ♪

♪ That you're mine girl ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Just gimme some Kind of sign girl ♪

♪ Oh, my darling ♪

Oh, did you bring the turmeric?

Me?

It's just us in the car.

- Right... - Mm.

I didn't--I didn't-- I didn't--I didn't bring it.

No, I thought-- I thought it would--

I thought it was on your list. I thought--

Baby, you said you wanted to be more involved.

- And I do. - You do.

But you didn't bring the turmeric?

- I did not. - Okay, well,

then we're going to have to get a divorce.

That feels right.

- It's a shame. - Yeah.

- It's been fun. - It's been a great time.

You know, I would have rather gotten a divorce

over paprika or something spicy.

♪ Show me That you're mine girl ♪

♪ Oh, right ♪

What time are they coming?

Melanie said she's going to cook dinner.

Oh. She any good?

I don't really think so.

- Just pretend to like it. - No, what? Of course.

What? I would never just like...

You look at your plate at dinner parties

sometimes like you've been poisoned.

No, that is only when I don't know what's happening.

No, if I'm prepared going into it, then I can deliver.

Watch.

“Mm, oh my God, Melanie.

"This food is unreal.

"You know, I've read your cookbook six times.

Turmeric, what a stroke of genius."

- Be nice to her. - Of course I'll be nice.

Hey, Mitchey!

Hey, Josh.

- Oh, man. - Hey.

- Bring it in, brother. - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh.

- Hey. You look great. - Huh.

You got to put some chains on these tires

if you're going to be off-roading.

Yeah, I don't think that's in the cards for the BMW.

You're so gorgeous.

- Ah, hey... - What's different?

Same old stuff.

No, it's something fun.

Did you see my doctor?

- No. - What is it?

Ah... abject depression?

I don't know. I'm really not sure.

- I got it. No, no, no. - You sure?

- Oh, yeah. - 'Cause I can do it.

- Oh, my gosh! - Sweetie. He knows

- how to carry groceries. - You just keep it vertical.

It's something he's done probably most of his life.

Really? Serious?

Why do you look like you're dressed for a funeral?

Why do you look like Winona Ryder

during her klepto phase?

Come here.

You're so funny.

Can't you ever start with something nice,

- like, “Hey, - Oh.

Mitch, you look so well rested.”

- You do. - You're my best friend.

- Let me get this. -“Have you been working out?”

I mean, I haven't, but you could lie.

You look great.

- Thank you. - I just don't understand

why you didn't change the outfit.

Well, I didn't know we were vacationing

in Santa's workshop.

Right. My turn. Ready?

A puppy.

- Whoa. Oh, my goodness, babe. - Whoa, yes.

- You like it? - These are so hard to find.

- I know. - And very expensive.

I know.

- Thank you. - Of course.

Wow. Mm.

Okay, okay. Uh, my turn.

Oh, I hope you like it.

You're so hard to shop for.

Oh. Wow. It's--

- It's a shirt. - Wow.

Mmm!

- It's for going out. - Uh-huh.

Remember you said you wanted to go out more

- so I-- - Uh-huh, yeah.

- Need something for that. - Great brand.

- Yeah. - Really great brand.

And color.

I love this.

- You do? - Yes, I love it.

- You'll wear it? - Yes.

- To the club? Yeah? - Uh-huh.

Cheers.

- Yes. - Mm-hm.

Um, thank you all for being here for this

Christmas-New-Year-thingamajig weekend,

so that we don't have to spend time with our families...

Hallelujah.

- ...where we will be relaxing... - Yes.

...hiking in the wee hours of the morning.

- Not me. - Didn't you just say relaxing?

...and we will be trying to generally forget

about politics, Texas, global warming,

and all the other things that ruin the possibility

- of a pleasant existence. - Mm-hm.

To old friends.

To his lucky break.

And to my lucky break.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Mm!

Six a.m., meet me out front.

If we don't get to the top .

♪ Morning calls With its pale light ♪

♪ Will it call the wanderer ♪

♪ And I wonder how ♪

♪ Set a lone eye ♪

♪ Lingers in my mind Fails to taste from ♪

What time you be back?

Um, hour or so.

Gotta make it to the top.

When you get back?

Ah, I don't know.

Like an hour and forty-five minutes round trip,

give or take five depending on the wind.

Sure you don't wanna come?

- Mm-mm. No. - Okay. Love you.

- Love you. - Bye.

Bye-bye.

Okay.

You're late.

We both know that's impossible. Let's go.

I mean, you don't care if your mouth smells like it,

but your hand, that's where you cross the line?

Yeah, then no one knows I smoke.

Debs, everyone knows you smoke.

♪ Open wide ♪

♪ The sun on me ♪

♪ In the bonds Of the day light ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

Mine's gonna be better than yours.

Mitch! Stop it!

What?! That is so uncalled for.

Remember when I showed up at a shoot

and you were like, “I know what I want to do.

I want to be an asshole.”

I fell in my own pee!

Can I ask you a personal question?

And I don't want you to get upset.

- Yes. - Do you need a pep talk?

No. Don't do it.

I am smart.

I am going to let you read it when it exists.

- I am talented. - Ah.

I have very interesting world views,

and the only thing holding me back

is my lower-than-average self-worth,

given my higher-than-average personal expectations.

Yeah, that is correct.

My friend Mitch

- loves me dearly... - Yes.

...and will read any draft at any time.

Thank you and amen.

Amen.

Can I ask you a question?

- Shoot. - Why didn't you wear

your new silk shirt?

Jesus, who am I, David fucking Hasselhoff?

It was a very optimistic gift.

And Josh.

Josh calling me Mitchey.

- No! - No.

- I'm very sorry. - Because like only you

and my mom can call me that.

Do you, uh, know where you're going?

It's a shortcut.

Come on. Hurry.

You know what's super interesting

about this path is it's not a path at all.

Oh, God.

Hey.

Hey, you're gonna get Lyme disease.

Why is he looking at me?

Oh, my god. Wow.

Oh, shit.

- Ah! - Duck!

God. They're never going to believe us.

Of course they will.

- I mean we... - We have cuts.

...literally could have died.

We were just like inches.

Just inches from death.

I need--I need a sec.

Do you think God is trying to tell us something?

Yeah.

Stay on the path.

He hath arisen.

Eh, it's too early.

He's probably just peeing.

Oh, wow.

Hey, bud.

Not bad.

Is he flexing or is he just like that?

He's just like that.

Asshole.

Jesus, Josh, go under the covers first.

Honey, we can see you.

Get under the covers.

Don't look.

Is that...

I'm sorry. What?

They can't be. No.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

You motherfucking piece of shit.

Stop it right now!

Wait... wait... wait!

Hey!

- Wait. Just wait. - What are you doing?!

- Wait. - We have to stop them!

The longer we wait,

the longer your fucking wife gets to fuck my fucking husband.

Let me go!

Damn it. Stop.

- Okay, just calm down. - What are you doing? This is not

- what you do right now. - Just shut up! Okay?

What? Why are you...?

Just shut up and listen.

- Mitch. - Listen for one second, okay?

Think about what's about to happen.

We go in there, we confront them.

They end up leaving us for each other.

They try it out for two months but it doesn't work out.

So they beg us to come back to them.

But we are too bitter and angry to say yes.

So each one of us ends up depressed, angry, and lonely,

masturbating on our couches. Because of this moment.

Because of how we handle this moment right here.

Mitch, I can't pretend I didn't see it.

How can you pretend you didn't see it?

I don't fucking know, Deb. I don't fucking know.

- But all I'm asking... - This does not...

All I'm asking is that you just,

just give me the time to think about it.

I'm just asking you not to go in there

and blow up both of our lives

before we have had a chance to plan next steps.

That's it. That's it.

Just wait.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay.

God.

What time did they say?

Uh, should be about now.

Okay. You take cream?

Black.

Here.

Look.

Hey.

They're here.

- Baby. - Hey, there she is.

- You're back! - Oh.

Did you make it to the top of the mountain?

- Cop? - Yeah, an undercover cop.

- Oh, my god. - Your best friend in high school

was an undercover cop.

Only I didn't know that at the time. Right.

Only later after the drug bust, the school admitted that Gerald

was not, in fact Gerald.

You guys, you... you... you did drugs together?

Hell, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, if you wanted it,

Gerald could get it, man.

That was

Is anyone else cold?

I'm just freezing.

I'm okay.

I don't think the heater's blowing, actually.

- I was going to call if that's-- - I'll just call.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- Okay. - Thanks.

Um, you know, the hardest part about it was I lost a friend.

Oh, I didn't even think of that.

- Hi, Gary. - Hello.

So hard to make friends in high school, you know?

Well, not for you, I'm sure.

These are your renters at 24167 Oak Grove?

And how did you find out?

Excellent question. How did I find out?

The heat's broken.

- Mail. In the microwave... - Oh.

...under a different name.

Uh, wouldn't always respond to his first name

in, like, a normal amount of time.

Freezing. Yeah.

He lived alone.

Come on.

No offense, but, like, yeah.

Yeah, any idiot would sort of know at that point.

So it's homecoming, right?

And I just know something's about to go down

because, like, he's being weird.

This evening? Are you kidding?

We're going to freeze to death by then.

Uh, yep. We will most likely survive, Gary.

- There's extra blankets - Mm-hm.

in all the closets.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, yeah, thanks.

Well, he said there may be a storm tonight,

so we should chop some wood and use the fireplace

until the repair guy can get here.

Okay, well, yeah, me and Mitch will chop wood

while you guys go for supplies.

When who goes for supplies?

When you and Melanie go into town to get groceries.

Oh, I think Mitch and I should go.

- Yeah. - Melanie cooked.

- She should rest. - Oh, no. No, no, it's fine.

I have some spices to get. Right, baby?

So it's better if I'm there.

Yeah. And me and Mitch, we're going to chop wood,

because Mitch has never done it before.

So the women cook and the men chop wood?

Babe, do you want to chop wood?

No, it's fine.

Whatever.

I'm going to go for a ciggy.

Oh, but you'll miss the end of the story.

I've heard this one.

So I took the microphone and I say,

“Hey, man, no brother of mine would ever trick these kids

into selling drugs for a pay check.”

So I turn to the audience, I say,

“ This guy is not

your homecoming king.

In fact, this guy isn't even Gerald.”

So, do you go back to work next week,

- or do you get a few days off - I go back on Monday.

- after New Year? - I don't really get time off.

And is it still the same...

- editing? Editing, yeah. - Editing, yeah.

Other people write the books, and I edit them.

Oh, yeah, for now.

Well, I mean, your first book was...

it was... it's so sad.

- Thank you? - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, very depressing.

Right.

It's normal for second books

- to take a while. - Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, absolutely.

It--it--it took me months to get out my second cookbook.

And you know what?

Actually, when I was about to give up,

I heard the most incredible thing on the radio from Cher.

She was talking about how there's always so much pressure

put on the sophomore album, but at the end of the day,

the only person's opinion is your own.

Hm.

I turned in my book the next week.

Oop.

I hope to be managing my own fund one of these days.

Working for myself, like you.

Instead of always just working for the man.

Why don't you just quit?

Well, I just got promoted.

Figure ten more years never hurt anybody.

A fund.

Yes.

You know, this is going to sound crazy

because you've actually been talking about it for years,

but, like, if I really hum on it,

I do not think...

Yeah, I don't think I actually know what you do, man.

Oh, do you have any dietary restrictions?

No, not that I'm aware of.

And Josh, I think he said he's not on meat right now.

Right?

When did he say that? He loves meat.

He eats meat all the time.

Oh, maybe I misheard.

We'll get fish just to be safe.

Streamers!

I'm going to get you all set up.

Hey, yo. Way.

Shit. Man.

I'm just... a little,

uh... a little rusty, I guess.

Yeah. Yeah.

I gotta tell you, man, since me and Debs

started spending every other weekend

- in the country... - Yeah.

...my whole outlook on life has changed.

From what to what?

It's like from being an ant to being a deer.

- Mm. - Yeah.

From being a cog in the wheel

to the man driving a tractor, you know?

Yeah.

It has done wonders for our relationship

You guys having trouble?

...learn a new language, travel more,

master the art of the casserole.

Do you have any?

No.

None?

The groceries are on me, by the way.

No, on me.

Mitchey gave me his black card.

Oh! And I want to get pregnant finally.

And for Mitch to be happier, I'd like to help him do that.

Is he not happy?

Oh, he's just stressed at work, I think.

Right.

But he's back on the antidepressant

so that's positive.

He didn't tell me that.

He's just a little bit embarrassed.

So it's our little secret.

Yeah, it's our little secret.

Who isn't, right?

- Right? - Right, right.

You guys are going to be fine.

I do not think I have ever seen Melanie not smiling.

Well, you're not with her all the time.

She can be a bitch.

What a huge bitch she can be.

Well, you know Debs. She can just be... cold.

- Cold? - Yeah.

See, I always just... saw that as thoughtful.

You know, because she wouldn't be such a great writer

if she didn't daydream.

You read her book?

Three times.

Incredible.

- Huh. - Decimated me.

What did you think?

Uh-huh.

Hey, can you take my picture?

Hey, do you have a sec?

- I'd like to show you something. - Yeah, I kind of have

- a splinter that I have to-- - About the heating issue.

I think I have a lead on the gas leak.

Aha, right.

Of course, yes.

We have a gas leak?

We have to tell them.

Fuck you. We're not doing that.

Fuck me?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

We have to tell them.

Fuck you! We're not doing that.

We discussed it, and we agreed.

You don't think I want to take your husband's perfect face

and shove it through a fucking wall?!

This is hard right now because we are in the thick of it.

But by tomorrow, it won't hurt so much.

Day after that, even less.

By next week, it'll feel like a bad dream.

And by next year, trust me,

you won't even remember that it happened.

I think I'm always going to remember the day

that my husband fucked your wife.

You guys need some help?

We're fine.

We've almost got it fixed.

- You owe me. - I what?

When you got arrested the night before graduation

because you wore your dumb jelly shoes

and you tripped and hit your head on the sidewalk,

and then the campus cops picked you up,

cocaine fell out of your pocket.

Who bailed you out? Me.

Even though I was completely broke.

And I made up a whole lie about how you got mugged

to your fucking parents.

And you said, you owed me.

Whatever I wanted.

Whenever I wanted it.

- Mitch, this is-- - Two years later,

when you got stranded in Vegas

after walking out on an amateur gambler

who turned out to be a professional con man,

you said, you owed me.

Whatever I wanted.

Whenever I wanted it.

I can see what you're trying to do,

- Last April, - but this is a very...

when you ran over a raccoon, but it wasn't all the way dead

and you didn't want the karma that comes with killing

a still-living raccoon, so I killed it--

Animal Control killed it!

But who got them on the phone?

Me!

Who cares?

And now I'm a 35-year-old,

LLP Bean-wearing businessman with an okay sense of humor.

And this is what I want.

This is all I want.

Debs, I somehow won the lotto.

And I'm just... I'm asking you to help me keep her.

Please just help me keep her.

But lotto winners always get divorced.

- Debbie. - Please.

Mitch.

I'm sorry.

- Do we have a leak? - Not anymore.

A windmill. Uh, children's gymnastics.

You're on fire.

Karate as an art form.

A CEO.

What?

Like, I was giving a PowerPoint.

Ted Talk and stuff and this was money.

Oh, fuck me.

How big is this storm going to be?

Don't you worry, baby.

I will protect you like I always have and always will.

Forever and ever and ever.

Amen.

- Let's do this. - No, thanks.

Okay.

Three words.

Second word.

One syllable.

You're a dog.

You're a bulldog.

You're a cow eating grass.

Mm. Yum. I'm a delicious cow.

- I know this one. - Oh, good.

- I love a good steak. - I know this one.

You're so beautiful.

Eating a steak.

Mm-mm-mm.

- Sweetie, thank you. - Mm, a cannibal cow.

Yum. I'm going to eat myself.

I'm a cow eating myself. Hungry.

I'm gonna write a great review of this steak.

Mm-mm-mm.

- The meat industry. Yeah. - Yes, yes.

Like, as a whole?

Oh, we've got dinner coming.

I'll be fine.

- May I? - Oh, no,

- don't waste another one. - Oh, no, no, no.

This is gonna be great.

Oh, gosh. Okay.

She's backlit, so.

- Oh, is that...? - Yeah.

Just add a little light.

Oh. Ah.

Well, not all of us can have our photos

on the cover of National Geographic.

- What do you mean? - Josh, you know,

getting that--that--that cover,

the one with the lion reservation.

- Mm. That wasn't his photo. - What do you mean?

One of your guys who works for you took that photo.

That's not your photo.

Yeah, but he was my guy, so.

Just not worth mentioning?

Yes, Debs, it just seemed like it wasn't worth mentioning.

But you don't need to lie.

- I didn't. - You lied by omission.

- That's different. - Is it?

Is it different, Josh?

- Is it different? - Mel, uh, did you bring

the Graceland album like we talked about?

Did you guys know that Paul Simon entered the studio

without having written a single song?

Babe, we don't have to get into this right now.

Actually, I think that we do need to get into it.

Why don't you just go have a cigarette?

Josh, why don't you just tell the truth?

I did. We got the cover.

Does anyone else need a refill?

No. You lied.

- You're lying. - I'm not lying.

You are lying like you always lie.

- Always lie? I don't always lie. - You always lie

- about the most stupid. - Babe.

I do not lie to you.

Why don't you tell her about sleeping with me this morning?

- Melanie? - I'm sorry.

I think I'm going to be sick.

What? You're leaving?

They weren't supposed to know.

I--I don't have the stomach for this.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hang on. You knew?!

You got to go to the city.

You're going to get an apartment.

You're going to pack the sunscreen

and go immediately to the Bahamas.

You're gonna call your mother.

You're gonna call her mother.

You will not yell.

I donate! I recycle.

I...I deserve to have good things happen to me

every once in a fuckin' while.

Sundays have always been tough for me schedule-wise

and you know that.

COME ON!

COME ON!

Aaaahhhhh!

Mitch.

Mitch, are you okay?

We're snowed in.

I'm just, um,

I'm--I'm gonna--I just--I'm-- I need a minute.

Do you want to talk about it?

Melanie, from the bottom of my heart...

go fuck yourself.

Well shit!

Hello, taxi service.

Hi, there, 24617 Oak Grove.

I need a cab into the city.

My wife fucked my friend.

Uh, well, I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

Listen, we got a cab coming to get you in about 55 minutes.

I'll be here.

Come on, motherfucker.

I am very, very disappointed in you, young lady.

Why'd you wait?

Horses make mistakes.

Please don't leave me.

Okay.

Hello?

Why didn't you say anything...

if you knew?

I needed time to think.

Oh.

What?

I said, “Oh.”

Was it the first time?

Yes!

Do not yell at me!

Baby, it was the only time.

I...If I may start this here,

I would like... I would like to explain a little bit about--

about the whole thing.

No, thank you.

Debs. Please.

I would love for all of you to kindly shut the fuck up.

Do you think you could do that?

- Do you think you could? - Yeah.

Who invited someone?

- I didn't. - Not me.

- Mitch? - No!

All right, I'm coming out,

and I don't want to see anybody, okay?

Not anybody.

Okay?

Oh.

God damn it.

It's horrific.

Divorced and murdered in the same weekend.

Real five-star vacation.

Who is it?!

- It's Gary, the owner. - Shit.

I heard you're all freezing to death.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I said, everybody stay in your fucking rooms!

Oh, God.

Hi. My repair man got stuck

across the canyon, so I thought I'd walk down

and see if there's anything I could do.

- Great. - I just live up the road.

That's wonderful.

Thank you so much.

Come in, please.

Welcome. Thanks.

Whooh!

No guests!

Are ya'll enjoying yourselves?

Yeah. Shall we?

Of course, that was before the kids went off to college.

They were with us up until the last moment.

- Right. - In fact, if you

look under the staircase, inside there,

you'll see their growth charts.

We'd mark them down every year on the first of January.

That's tomorrow.

What's tomorrow?

New Year's Day.

Well, look at that. You got a resolution?

No. Never really worked for me, so.

I'm flying blind.

Oh, I think they work all right if you pick the right one.

How long were you married?

Thirty years.

Of course, there were two wives before that.

So third time's the charm?

No, third time I tried.

Fuck!

Is it burned? Oh, my gosh.

- I got it. - No, I can get it.

- Here. Debs. - I got it.

- I got it. - No, Debs. Let me get it.

I got it.

Debs... Stop. What are you--?

Why did you do that?

It was ruined.

- It was salvageable. - It was burned.

But I could have fixed it.

Well, we're really at opposite ends of this one, Melanie.

I'm going to need you to move, please.

We are going to have to talk about this.

I'm not in a place to do that,

so I'm going to need you to please move!

Oh, my God.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Hey, hey.

Please tell me that was not all the booze.

Please - tell me - that - wasn't - all - the booze.

I...I'm really sorry.

Look, guys, we are going to have to talk about this

at some point. So I would suggest--

I would suggest that no one here,

or anywhere, really,

needs you to lead right now.

- Okay. - Or ever.

I would suggest that, Debs, we take the downstairs,

and, Mitch, you and Melanie take the upstairs,

and we just talk.

All right? We just get some clarity here.

I think I'm gonna cut my fucking...

- I'm going to do it. - Oh, my gosh.

Oh, no, it didn't work...

Oh, well.

After you.

Password.

Unbelievable.

That's right.

Very good.

- Good luck. - Mm.

And remember, you can take him.

Booze.

Let me just start by saying that...

Are you going to look at me like that the whole time?

Like what?

Are you going to look at me like you hate me--

Are you trying to tell me

- how to look at you? - No.

- Just that it is difficult - Yes.

- when I'm-- - I'm absolutely going to look

at you like this the whole time.

I might even look at you like this.

That's fine.

It is.

Did you call your mother?

- What's that? - It's her birthday,

and you told me to remind you to call her.

Oh, right, right.

Well, no.

- No, I didn't. - Okay. Well--

- I absolutely did not call her. - Okay.

- Did you? - Of course.

- You did? - Yeah, I called her.

Oh, good.

- Good. - Yeah.

Before or after?

It might seem like I had planned this.

Me and Melanie had planned this.

I--I promise we didn't.

This was the first time.

We bumped into each other on the way to the bathroom.

Right after you left.

The toilet in our bedroom has been making that noise.

That loud clanging noise every time you flush.

I didn't want to wake anybody.

So I snuck out to use the hallway

and I turned the corner.

She was there.

He was n--n--naked.

I'd sleep naked.

I had been crying.

I had an... erection. Not like a...

Why were you crying?

Because I cry at night sometimes when I'm sad.

Not a sexual one at the time, just a, like nighttime deal.

So we bumped into each other in the dark.

- We laughed. - We laughed.

And then...

He kissed me.

...she kissed me.

Why didn't you stop him?

And it felt...

...good.

I don't think I wanted to stop him.

I knew it was wrong.

And you were never going to tell us?

Well, we decided...

We thought it would be better if...

No.

No.

So... say something.

I'm too angry.

Please.

I'm too hurt.

Please.

I'm going to try very hard not to yell at you during this.

I guess a divorce.

We get a divorce.

Is that what you want?

It's not what I want. It's what needs to happen.

No, it's about what you want to happen.

I messed up.

We've just gotten away from each other lately.

But you are my partner.

You're the best person for me, and I...

I know I am the best person for you, right?

You're my queen, right?

- My little farm girl-- - Stop.

- with the bad... - Stop it.

You can't charm your way out

- of this one, Josh. - Babe, that's not what I was...

The ball's in my court, so just fucking sit there!

Look at me.

No.

Baby.

No.

Mitch.

No.

I'm sorry.

You are taking advantage of me because I'm a nice guy.

But I'm not as nice as you think, okay?

I can be a mean guy, too.

Okay.

I can say mean things.

I've got them in me, lined up.

I know you do, baby.

Melanie

Ha--haven't I always been there for you?

Haven't I always treated you with respect?

Always.

I listen to your stories.

I'm present.

We talk.

We do.

And yet you--you still fucked him.

Why would you do that?

Why would you do that?

I don't... I don't...

I'm so mad.

I know.

And I get to be mean if I want to.

Do you know how many times I thought about cheating on you?

- I don't. - So many.

And I almost did it once when I went on tour with that band

to write about them.

I made him a mix CD because I just wanted somebody

to hear a guitar part and see them smile

because they hadn't heard it before.

And I wanted to tell him my favorite movies

and talk about books, and I wanted to tell him jokes

and have him look me right in the eyes and laugh.

That's all I wanted.

And we did it. And it was...

I cried.

I cried when he laughed at my joke.

And we didn't have sex because we didn't need to.

It was enough.

And I felt guilty for looking in someone else's eyes

for so long, but at the same time,

I felt so good because

I felt like myself with him.

I felt like the old version of me

that I only see in pictures.

And I miss her.

Was it his dick?

- I'm sorry? - Yeah. Because, you know,

basically, this guy has no money,

no company, no 401k, no future.

So I'm just racking my brain and all I can think of is,

“God damn, Josh must have a huge swinging dick.”

- No. - No?

Well, I mean, it's fine.

- It's fine? - There was no way for me

to know that before it happened,

so, obviously, like clearly,

I did not seek him out for his dick.

Yeah. So here's where I'm at.

As a man,

there are just certain things that I'm going to need to know

in order to get past this.

And one of those things

is what this swinging dick,

long-haired, nature fucking photographer has

that I do not have.

I mean, come on.

She's beautiful.

You're the most beautiful.

No, because I haven't been laid in four months,

and you fucked Melanie.

- I'm sorry. - Don't be sorry.

Be honest.

- There's no reason to be sorry. - I don't know where you go

all day, so how can we have sex if you're never home?

Fuck.

Mitch, it was an accident.

Kissing is an accident.

Fucking is a hundred tiny accidents in a row.

Just tell me why you did it and we can move on.

Okay, baby.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - No. Baby, I don't know,

- I don't--I don't know. - That's not going to do it.

That's not going to do it, so why don't you try again?

- I don't--I...I... - Just tell me.

Please, Melanie, for once in your fucking life,

- just don't be polite, okay?! - I'm not.

Just say it!

Whatever it is, just say it!

I'm dumb!

What?

I'm dumb and... and I'm a burden.

Oh, honey, you're not a burden.

No, but, yeah,

really, it's not... it's not really something you can help,

other than to, like, read books, which I try,

but I think I read the wrong ones,

- and... - Oh, Melanie.

No, but, and I know I'm a disappointment to you

because I don't have a real job, right?

And I don't make any money, and I don't know anything

about theories of politics and economy like Debs does.

Nope, this isn't about Debs.

Yes. But I am going to get better,

and I want to be better for you.

Will you just tell me what to say?

Please, Mitch, just tell me what to say.

You want me to say that it meant nothing?

- Yeah. - It meant nothing.

Do you want me to say that it was bad?

- Sure. Absolutely. - Yeah.

It was really bad. He was really...

he was really bad.

Do you want me to say that I don't love him?

I think I know my stance there.

I--I don't-- I don't love him.

I don't love him.

- And do you love me? - Yes.

And is that the truth?

Or are you just telling me what I want to hear?

The truth.

The truth is that you're weak.

That you... you needed to fuck her to feel powerful.

That you don't know who you are,

and you keep blaming it on me

that you are just a messed-up little man

with an ego way bigger than anyone deserves.

And you have been bad to me!

And you don't have one good reason

and I am very, very, very, mad about it.

I have a cab coming.

I want you to come with me.

But I need to know why.

I need it.

I just... I need it.

Otherwise, I'll think about it forever.

And I don't... I don't want to think about him forever.

I wanna... I wanna think about you.

Twenty minutes.

You said, and I quote,

you will be here in 55 minutes.

- Sir... - And, you know, I--I'm--I'm

- looking at the clock right now, - Sir, I understand

- that you're upset. - and, it's...

- well, it's over 55 minutes. - There's a terrible storm.

No, there's a storm?

Oh, gosh, now I see it!

Well, how about this?

Yes. How about I provide you guys a tutorial

on how windshield wipers work?

How does that sound?

I do not like the way you're speaking to me, sir.

- No. No, I didn't mean that. - Give me a break.

And during the holiday season .

I'm sorry. Look, I'm...

I'm having a day, so I apologize profusely,

but he has--he has to come. Okay?

He has to come.

Good luck to you.

Mister Gary?

Yeah.

Hey, Mister Gary.

Um, hello. Mitch.

One of the temporary residents in your beautiful home.

Uh, so, I have a little issue, and I go--I...

I need to leave this evening.

This evening? Oh, is everything okay?

Yeah, I--I--I have... I have a--I have a large--

I have a pretty significant work emergency

and I--I have to get back to the city.

I don't think it's gonna happen tonight.

- Ooh. Because of the snow. - Yeah.

Well... well, yeah, I was--I was thinking,

like, maybe if you have shovels or--or a tractor.

- I do. - You do?

- It won't work. - It won't?

Not on the ice.

Plus, they closed the canyon.

We're going to have to wait till sunup,

get a little clarity on the situation.

You understand.

Hey, how much can you lift?

It's not for everyone, you know.

What's that?

The country.

- No city noises... - Uh-huh.

...blocking out all the little voices

- screaming at us from inside. - Of course.

Sooner or later, you got to come face to face

with your true identity.

Absolutely. Yeah. Beautiful.

Ah. Here we go.

Seems this little critter got up in it

and sang hallelujah.

He was blocking the pipe.

At least she wasn't cold when she died.

No, she wasn't.

Ah. Ah.

Jesus, what, uh...

Oh, dude, tell me this is some

back alley Chateau Lafite.

When we moved in, we found a couple cases behind a wall.

Apparently, the original owner was a bootlegger.

Yeah?

You ever, uh, try it?

Uh-huh.

That there is dangerous stuff.

- No. - It's me.

Hi. I don't think I can talk right now.

Okay. I just--I just--

I just wanted to see if you're-- how you're doing.

I'm fine. Thank you so much.

- Okay. - Thank you.

Do you want to see how I'm doing?

And you?

I'm bleeding out emotionally.

Absolutely never been worse.

Thank you for asking.

Come in.

You sure?

Sorry.

You scared me.

Sorry. Just... no.

I'd come over there and give you a hug right now,

but I'm pretty sure we're not allowed.

You hungry?

I really let her have it.

I gave her a piece of my mind.

I thought you guys fixed the fucking heat.

He removed a squirrel.

I don't really know what that does.

She was... she was down on her knees begging me to stay.

Just a sobbing mess.

Tears in her eyes.

“Oh, baby, please. Please don't go.

"You're the best man I've ever met.

"The best lover.

I want you inside of me right now.”

Which I was not going to do.

I'm not going to give her that after what she...

So, yeah, I just... I felt bad for her, really.

Mm... Let's not feel too bad for her.

Yeah.

So who gets the house?

We're not there yet.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You're not staying together, are you?

Uh, we're not there yet.

Debbie, this your one chance to zipline to freedom,

and you're not there yet?

He's ketamine.

You're cocaine.

He's a rusty sword.

You're an atomic bomb.

You're a real live person.

He's an asshole.

How is he more of an asshole than Melanie?

He's an asshole in his core.

Josh's chemical makeup is asshole.

Sure, Melanie was an asshole in this situation,

but deep down, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep,

deep down, she's a...

she's a good person.

What are you drinking?

I thought we didn't have anything.

Well, maybe I found something.

What I'm confused about is who's riding in which car.

They can't ride together.

Fuck.

I'm not driving home with Josh,

and I don't even know when we're going to get out of here.

The snow is, like, not going to stop.

And three days to plow the roads would be way too--

I can't--I cannot handle three days here.

It's too much eating Melanie's cooking.

The whole thought of it just makes me wanna cry.

Gonna starve in here.

Hey.

Debbie?

My best friend in the entire world

who I would stab a thousand tiny birds for

if I ever found myself in a situation

in which that was necessary.

I think maybe you've had enough.

I think maybe we're just getting started.

It's a creative outlet for me, really.

I'm sorry. What... is this salmon?

- Trout. - Trout is pink.

Jesus, you got a real talent.

♪ With me ♪

♪ I... ♪

I don't know why I didn't see it sooner.

This is a wake-up call.

This is an anvil on the head from God.

- Uh-huh. - This moment.

This one.

- Okay. - Hah!

This... God is showing us a new path.

That's what's happening, Debbie.

God is showing us a new path.

When did you start believing in God?

This morning? Right now? Who knows?

But I see it.

This is a blessing.

We saw them fuck.

We saw it,

and it saved us from the rest of our lives.

I've never heard you say

one optimistic thing your entire life.

Like, your wife fucks another man,

and all of a sudden, it's a blessing?

I have no idea what's going on.

What happened to my best friend?

He woke up.

What?

He woke... the fuck... uuuuupppp!

- Mitch! - Yeah!

Hey! Mitch!

Whooh!

What the hell are you doing?

Providing wood!

So that you will be warm!

Which you deserve to be!

Mitch!

You don't have any shoes on.

Get back inside!

Get back into rock climbing...

- Whoa. - Mm-hm.

Build a lattice for my tomato plant.

- Okay, yeah. - and... call my mother more.

You?

- Mine's learn a new language... - Mm-hm.

call my mother less...

- Oh, yeah. - and master the art

- of the casserole. - Ooh. I love casserole.

You do?

And I see it now,

and I don't know why I was ever scared of it.

Today is Bastille Day,

and it's time to storm the castle.

Whooh!

You're drinking scotch?

Mitch, seriously, are you okay?

And do you know what the best part about it is?

I know you've thought about it, too.

Thought about what?

In your quietest moments.

Thought about what?

Can I ask why you did it?

Did what?

Kiss me. I...just... Why'd you do it?

I don't think I know what you're saying.

Why did you kiss me?

- I--I'm just asking why. - Melanie.

You kissed me.

You're drunk.

I'm not drunk.

I'm alive.

No, you need water.

Deborah, we've been best friends for 15 years.

Are you really telling me...

you're telling me you've never thought about it?

I...I...I don't think that I have.

Lying.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for God's sake, she's lying.

Freshman year. You and me, in the closet.

Chris Ryman's St. Patrick's Day party.

Everybody was playing mafia.

We thought it was dumb.

We snuck off.

You put a four leaf clover sticker on my forehead

and we kissed.

But, Mitch, we were kids.

I mean, it was nothing.

It was nothing?

We were kids.

It was nothing?

Okay, what if it wasn't?

What if this whole time,

we've been kidding ourselves because it was too real,

so we had to distract ourselves with the wrong people?

Maybe we just didn't think we deserved it.

- Mitch, I-- - Before you say anything,

just think about it for a minute.

Just give it a moment of thought before you respond.

No, that wasn't long enough.

Really think about it. Really.

That is exactly what you fucking would say.

No, but. You--remember when you threw me up

- against the wall? - Yeah, you know what?

That was after you kissed me!

- That--No, absolutely not! - Sshhh!

You can't-- Look, Melanie, you cannot just kiss a woman

in this day and age. I did--I--I reciprocated.

I'm just saying that I wasn't thinking about it, okay?

I--I didn't--I didn't-- I didn't think about it

before it happened, and then it just happened.

And now what?

Now is what? Is what?

You can't possibly blame me for this, do you?

- Hold on. Do you blame me? - Excuse me.

Melanie, we decided this together,

- Mm-hm. - okay? We had a discussion.

We had a conversation

- very briefly. - Still.

While you were kissing me.

You were also kissing me.

It is very hard to make a good decision

about fucking while you're kissing.

Look, I wish it never happened either.

Well, I didn't say that.

Mitch. You're married and you won the lotto, remember?

And I'm married. We got married to other people.

He doesn't like your book.

Oh, fuck.

- He loves my book. - No.

- He told me. - He told me.

This morning.

Well, he must have just--

And that the two of you aren't having sex.

What did you do, ayahuasca together?

Debs, you're fighting to stay with a man

who doesn't understand you.

And I do.

And I always have.

Do you think I'm dumb?

Absolutely not.

♪ Where am I? ♪

♪ Nobody speaks to me ♪

♪ Please, I'll give A gentle sigh ♪

♪ As I wander by ♪

♪ Where are you? ♪

♪ Why don't you speak to me? ♪

♪ Are you gonna leave me All alone ♪

♪ With my misery? ♪

Oh. Hey, butto.

It's Mitch Delpin. Businessman.

Did you think about that proposal?

I did think about it.

Get you up where you belong.

And my answer is

over my dead body.

Sorry, what's that?

♪ I wish you wouldn't hurt me, Darlin' ♪

♪ I wish with all my heart ♪

I have not enjoyed one minute of one day of one year

working for you, buddy.

You're self-centered, you cheat at golf,

you were nepotized into your job,

and boy, does it show.

The bottom line is I--I don't want to be like you.

Mm.

So I quit.

You're fired, Mitch.

- I'm firing you. - No, no.

That's incorrect. No, you're hurting my ear!

I quit.

I'm quitting.

- Goddamn life! - Thank you. Good day.

Dad! Dad! Mitch...

Mitch, I love so many things about you.

But I don't think I've been in love with you since the...

And even one minute spent not in love...

is a waste of our time.

Is a waste of our lives.

And...

just say it...

Yes, you can.

Melanie, yes, you can.

Hey.

Mm...

Tsk...

Can you turn it down, please?

It's just a little too loud.

Yeah!

Mitch...

What'd I miss?

Nothing.

Nothing.

I think you should come down here.

What is that?

It's the truth.

I, uh, found this in the garage.

You found it?

Debbie, I can't quite explain it,

but I am feeling really good.

The last thing I want is to dance or celebrate

or feel good right now.

People are ready for 2022.

We are 20 seconds out.

Please, Debbie.

We always celebrate together.

And let's get ready to count together.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one.

Happy New Year.

To love.

To friends.

To...l... life.

To truth.

Fuck you guys.

Salud!

- Okay. - Oh.

Okay.

All right.

At work, sometimes before a board meeting,

I will masturbate to completion in bathroom stall number three.

I steal when I'm nervous.

A state senator once asked me

for a dick pic. I sent it.

I slept with three of my college professors.

What? Who?

German history, obscure mathematics,

and medieval studies.

- Wait a second. - Medieval studies?

- Professor Logey was like... - ...in his 60s, yeah.

And his wife.

I saw my mom cheat on my dad when I was eight.

I never told him.

I hired a teenager in India to write this book.

- What? - I don't even know him.

Or her.

I hate this shirt on my body so much.

I don't even have the words to describe it.

Just so much.

I've gotten so sad lately.

I don't know when exactly it happened,

but I'm just so sad.

I kissed Melanie.

She reciprocated, but I kissed her.

Thank you.

Did you like my book?

No.

But not because it wasn't good.

It didn't feel like you.

I know.

I finished my new one,

and I think it might be really, really beautiful.

But I can't show it to anyone.

Because if I do, and they hate it,

like last time, then I'll have to quit,

and I won't have anything to latch on to in my life,

and I...I might just float away.

You've always had me.

I have no money.

None.

It's all his.

It's 100% true.

I have no money.

And... and the best part is I quit my job.

Wait. You're getting a promotion.

- Yeah, I was. - Yeah, you are!

And I did. I got it.

- Yay! - And then I quit.

Why is that funny?

I've cheated on everyone I've ever been with except you.

Until now.

Mmm.

Why do you think you did cheat on me?

Because I don't like myself very much.

Only Melanie doesn't know that.

So for a second, I forgot.

Because, uh,

when you like yourself, you can get a hard-on.

And when you don't, you can't.

I love dessert.

You hate dessert?

No...

no, I love it.

Our entire relationship,

you always say you don't want to hear about the dessert menu.

Yes, but the truth is,

I think I just probably wanted the dinner to be over.

Because I feel like we've run out of stuff

to say to each other.

- Uh-huh. - And that bums me out.

It bums you out?

And I've given up thousands of desserts.

And... I know it's trivial.

And I know that all my needs are met,

and I should be grateful and happy, but I'm not.

Because...

I think maybe I married someone who has no idea who I am.

And I don't think I really have any idea who you are.

And maybe it occurred to me this morning that

I could either live the rest of my life that way,

without dessert,

or I could pull the escape hatch.

And so I pulled it.

I want you to have dessert, Melanie.

You know, I try to bring art into my work, I really do,

but investment bankers just don't see it.

- They don't see it. - Yeah,

but it's not too late, you know?

No, it is. I--I don't have any other skills.

This is very limiting, you know?

This is very limiting talk.

You should take yourself more seriously.

- Nah. - Yeah.

Nah. I wouldn't even know where to start.

I'll tell you where you start.

You start with still life,

and then you move on to portraits or abstract.

I mean, anything. You can go in any direction, man.

- I--I--You should... - Hey...

You fucked my wife.

Don't inspire me.

I always thought I'd be further along than I am.

Yeah, you're borderline one of those sad cases.

Dang it.

But listen. I know it wasn't for everyone,

but I really cried when I read your book.

- You did? - Yeah.

There is this one beautiful moment

in the last chapter

where the lead character stops pretending

that everything is going to be okay.

That's my favorite bit.

Hey, Debs.

He doesn't believe us.

- No. - What do you mean?

This guy doesn't believe us.

Ha!

I don't see no tree.

- Ah! - Oh! Whoa-ho-ho.

What did I say?

- We found it. - What did I say?!

- I knew we'd find it. - Well, shit.

- I was wrong. - Look.

- All right. - Inches.

- All right. - Inches...

- Inches. - All right.

- Where--how did it happen? - He was there and I was there.

- We were... - There, right there.

And then it was...

It just fell?

A deer...

Hey.

Hey, hey, guys!

What time is it?

Yes.

Yes.

Whooh!

- Yeaaahhh! - Whooooooohh!

- Aww! - Aaaaahhh!

Come here often?

I'm new in town actually.

Hey, um,

I know that I have a ton of work to do.

- The lion's share. - No. You... you don't have to.

And I know this is my fault, and I know that you hate me.

Hey, Josh.

I needed him.

The musician, Danny.

That's where I go all day.

I've been writing my book at his house

because I can't write when I'm with you.

I haven't been able to speak, and I've gotten really quiet.

If you notice that, that I've gotten, like,

I've gotten small.

And it's not all your fault,

because I--I--I turned to stone at a certain point,

like, I didn't recognize the person

I was sleeping in bed next to

and I should have just reached out to you

but instead of reaching out to you, I just...

I turned to stone.

And--and and when I was with him,

I could--I could feel everything and I could smile,

and it all just... it was all there for me.

And I don't know why that happened,

and I'm sorry.

Did you sleep with him?

No.

- Debs. - Never. No.

Mm.

Hi. Uh, I'm Josh.

I'm a photographer.

Not actually the best on my team,

but I'm a good leader.

I'm kind.

I'm slightly insecure about getting older

and my body and whether I'm actually funny

or if I'm just good at telling other people's punchlines...

and, oh, man, I really love my wife.

And I would really like for her to try and get to know me now

without all of the, um, ...

without any aspirations or, like, bullshit and just--just,

uh... Right?

And if we can't find our way back,

then we'll be done.

But not until we try.

Please. Please.

Hi, Josh.

I'm Debbie.

Hey.

I like my twig.

- Well? - Yep, I'll see you.

Or not.

Okay. So, uh, you're going to want to get gas

before you hit the freeways.

And make sure that the lady's voice on the map

is super loud so that you don't miss any of the turns.

It's icy.

You'll be fine.

Yeah, but... a little bit scared.

You'll be fine.

How long are you staying?

I have no idea.

I'll be at my parents' in case of emergency.

Okay...

Okay.

I'll be seeing you.

You will, yeah.

Of course.

Do you need a pep talk?

Always.

Hey.

I left something on the table for you to read

if you have time to read it.

I do.

And you should give it to Josh, too.

Okay.

Okay.