All language subtitles for Couples Weekend

♪ If you do want me
Gimme little sugar ♪

♪ If you don't want me ♪

♪ Don't lead me on girl ♪

♪ But if you need me,
Show me that you love me ♪

♪ And when I'm feeling blue
And I want you ♪

♪ There's just one thing
That you should do ♪

♪ Just gimme some
Kind of sign girl ♪

♪ Oh, my baby ♪

♪ To show me ♪

♪ That you're mine girl ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Just gimme some
Kind of sign girl ♪

♪ Oh, my darling ♪

Oh, did you bring the turmeric?

Me?

It's just us in the car.

- Right...
- Mm.

I didn't--I didn't--
I didn't--I didn't bring it.

No, I thought--
I thought it would--

I thought it was on your list.
I thought--

Baby, you said you wanted
to be more involved.

- And I do.
- You do.

But you didn't bring
the turmeric?

- I did not.
- Okay, well,

then we're going
to have to get a divorce.

That feels right.

- It's a shame.
- Yeah.

- It's been fun.
- It's been a great time.

You know, I would have
rather gotten a divorce

over paprika or something spicy.

♪ Show me
That you're mine girl ♪

♪ Oh, right ♪

What time are they coming?

Melanie said she's going
to cook dinner.

Oh. She any good?

I don't really think so.

- Just pretend to like it.
- No, what? Of course.

What? I would never just like...

You look at your plate
at dinner parties

sometimes like
you've been poisoned.

No, that is only when
I don't know what's happening.

No, if I'm prepared going
into it, then I can deliver.

Watch.

“Mm, oh my God, Melanie.

"This food is unreal.

"You know, I've read
your cookbook six times.

Turmeric,
what a stroke of genius."

- Be nice to her.
- Of course I'll be nice.

Hey, Mitchey!

Hey, Josh.

- Oh, man.
- Hey.

- Bring it in, brother.
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh.

- Hey. You look great.
- Huh.

You got to put some chains
on these tires

if you're going
to be off-roading.

Yeah, I don't think
that's in the cards for the BMW.

You're so gorgeous.

- Ah, hey...
- What's different?

Same old stuff.

No, it's something fun.

Did you see my doctor?

- No.
- What is it?

Ah... abject depression?

I don't know.
I'm really not sure.

- I got it. No, no, no.
- You sure?

- Oh, yeah.
- 'Cause I can do it.

- Oh, my gosh!
- Sweetie. He knows

- how to carry groceries.
- You just keep it vertical.

It's something he's done
probably most of his life.

Really? Serious?

Why do you look like
you're dressed for a funeral?

Why do you look like
Winona Ryder

during her klepto phase?

Come here.

You're so funny.

Can't you ever start
with something nice,

- like, “Hey,
- Oh.

Mitch, you look so well rested.”

- You do.
- You're my best friend.

- Let me get this.
-“Have you been working out?”

I mean, I haven't,
but you could lie.

You look great.

- Thank you.
- I just don't understand

why you didn't change
the outfit.

Well, I didn't know
we were vacationing

in Santa's workshop.

Right. My turn. Ready?

A puppy.

- Whoa. Oh, my goodness, babe.
- Whoa, yes.

- You like it?
- These are so hard to find.

- I know.
- And very expensive.

I know.

- Thank you.
- Of course.

Wow. Mm.

Okay, okay. Uh, my turn.

Oh, I hope you like it.

You're so hard to shop for.

Oh. Wow. It's--

- It's a shirt.
- Wow.

Mmm!

- It's for going out.
- Uh-huh.

Remember you said
you wanted to go out more

- so I--
- Uh-huh, yeah.

- Need something for that.
- Great brand.

- Yeah.
- Really great brand.

And color.

I love this.

- You do?
- Yes, I love it.

- You'll wear it?
- Yes.

- To the club? Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

Cheers.

- Yes.
- Mm-hm.

Um, thank you all
for being here for this

Christmas-New-Year-thingamajig
weekend,

so that we don't have to
spend time with our families...

Hallelujah.

- ...where we will be relaxing...
- Yes.

...hiking in the wee hours
of the morning.

- Not me.
- Didn't you just say relaxing?

...and we will be trying
to generally forget

about politics, Texas,
global warming,

and all the other things
that ruin the possibility

- of a pleasant existence.
- Mm-hm.

To old friends.

To his lucky break.

And to my lucky break.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Mm!

Six a.m.,
meet me out front.

If we don't get to the top
.

♪ Morning calls
With its pale light ♪

♪ Will it call the wanderer
♪

♪ And I wonder how ♪

♪ Set a lone eye ♪

♪ Lingers in my mind
Fails to taste from ♪

What time you be back?

Um, hour or so.

Gotta make it to the top.

When you get back?

Ah, I don't know.

Like an hour and
forty-five minutes round trip,

give or take five
depending on the wind.

Sure you don't wanna come?

- Mm-mm. No.
- Okay. Love you.

- Love you.
- Bye.

Bye-bye.

Okay.

You're late.

We both know that's impossible.
Let's go.

I mean, you don't care
if your mouth smells like it,

but your hand,
that's where you cross the line?

Yeah, then no one knows
I smoke.

Debs, everyone
knows you smoke.

♪ Open wide ♪

♪ The sun on me ♪

♪ In the bonds
Of the day light ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

Mine's gonna be better
than yours.

Mitch! Stop it!

What?! That is so uncalled for.

Remember when I showed up
at a shoot

and you were like,
“I know what I want to do.

I want to be an asshole.”

I fell in my own pee!

Can I ask you
a personal question?

And I don't want you
to get upset.

- Yes.
- Do you need a pep talk?

No. Don't do it.

I am smart.

I am going to let you read it
when it exists.

- I am talented.
- Ah.

I have very
interesting world views,

and the only thing
holding me back

is my lower-than-average
self-worth,

given my higher-than-average
personal expectations.

Yeah, that is correct.

My friend Mitch

- loves me dearly...
- Yes.

...and will read any draft
at any time.

Thank you and amen.

Amen.

Can I ask you a
question?

- Shoot.
- Why didn't you wear

your new silk shirt?

Jesus, who am I,
David fucking Hasselhoff?

It was a very optimistic gift.

And Josh.

Josh calling me Mitchey.

- No!
- No.

- I'm very sorry.
- Because like only you

and my mom can call me that.

Do you, uh, know
where you're going?

It's a shortcut.

Come on. Hurry.

You know what's
super interesting

about this path
is it's not a path at all.

Oh, God.

Hey.

Hey, you're gonna get
Lyme disease.

Why is he
looking at me?

Oh, my god. Wow.

Oh, shit.

- Ah!
- Duck!

God. They're never going
to believe us.

Of course they will.

- I mean we...
- We have cuts.

...literally could have died.

We were just like inches.

Just inches from death.

I need--I need a sec.

Do you think God is trying
to tell us something?

Yeah.

Stay on the path.

He hath arisen.

Eh, it's too early.

He's probably just peeing.

Oh, wow.

Hey, bud.

Not bad.

Is he flexing
or is he just like that?

He's just like that.

Asshole.

Jesus, Josh,
go under the covers first.

Honey, we can see you.

Get under the covers.

Don't look.

Is that...

I'm sorry. What?

They can't be. No.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

You motherfucking
piece of shit.

Stop it right now!

Wait... wait... wait!

Hey!

- Wait. Just wait.
- What are you doing?!

- Wait.
- We have to stop them!

The longer we wait,

the longer your fucking wife
gets to fuck my fucking husband.

Let me go!

Damn it. Stop.

- Okay, just calm down.
- What are you doing? This is not

- what you do right now.
- Just shut up! Okay?

What? Why are you...?

Just shut up and listen.

- Mitch.
- Listen for one second, okay?

Think about what's
about to happen.

We go in there,
we confront them.

They end up leaving us
for each other.

They try it out for two months
but it doesn't work out.

So they beg us
to come back to them.

But we are too bitter
and angry to say yes.

So each one of us ends up
depressed, angry, and lonely,

masturbating on our couches.
Because of this moment.

Because of how we handle
this moment right here.

Mitch, I can't pretend
I didn't see it.

How can you pretend
you didn't see it?

I don't fucking know, Deb.
I don't fucking know.

- But all I'm asking...
- This does not...

All I'm asking
is that you just,

just give me the time
to think about it.

I'm just asking you
not to go in there

and blow up both of our lives

before we have had a chance
to plan next steps.

That's it. That's it.

Just wait.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay.

God.

What time did they say?

Uh, should be about now.

Okay. You take cream?

Black.

Here.

Look.

Hey.

They're here.

- Baby.
- Hey, there she is.

- You're back!
- Oh.

Did you make it
to the top of the mountain?

- Cop?
- Yeah, an undercover cop.

- Oh, my god.
- Your best friend in high school

was an undercover cop.

Only I didn't know
that at the time. Right.

Only later after the drug bust,
the school admitted that Gerald

was not, in fact Gerald.

You guys, you...
you... you did drugs together?

Hell, yeah.

Yeah. I mean,
if you wanted it,

Gerald could get it, man.

That was

Is anyone else cold?

I'm just freezing.

I'm okay.

I don't think the
heater's blowing, actually.

- I was going to call if that's--
- I'll just call.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

- Okay.
- Thanks.

Um, you know, the hardest part
about it was I lost a friend.

Oh, I didn't even
think of that.

- Hi, Gary.
- Hello.

So hard to make friends
in high school, you know?

Well, not for you, I'm sure.

These are your renters
at 24167 Oak Grove?

And how did you find out?

Excellent question.
How did I find out?

The heat's broken.

- Mail. In the microwave...
- Oh.

...under a different name.

Uh, wouldn't always respond
to his first name

in, like, a normal
amount of time.

Freezing. Yeah.

He lived alone.

Come on.

No offense, but, like, yeah.

Yeah, any idiot would sort
of know at that point.

So it's homecoming, right?

And I just know something's
about to go down

because, like, he's being weird.

This evening? Are you kidding?

We're going to freeze
to death by then.

Uh, yep. We will most
likely survive, Gary.

- There's extra blankets
- Mm-hm.

in all the closets.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, yeah, thanks.

Well, he said there may be
a storm tonight,

so we should chop some wood
and use the fireplace

until the repair guy
can get here.

Okay, well, yeah,
me and Mitch will chop wood

while you guys go for supplies.

When who goes for supplies?

When you and Melanie go
into town to get groceries.

Oh, I think Mitch
and I should go.

- Yeah.
- Melanie cooked.

- She should rest.
- Oh, no. No, no, it's fine.

I have some spices to get.
Right, baby?

So it's better if I'm there.

Yeah. And me and Mitch,
we're going to chop wood,

because Mitch has never
done it before.

So the women cook
and the men chop wood?

Babe, do you want to chop wood?

No, it's fine.

Whatever.

I'm going to go for a ciggy.

Oh, but you'll miss
the end of the story.

I've heard this one.

So I took the microphone
and I say,

“Hey, man, no brother of mine
would ever trick these kids

into selling drugs
for a pay check.”

So I turn to the audience,
I say,

“
This guy is not

your homecoming king.

In fact, this guy
isn't even Gerald.”

So, do you go back
to work next week,

- or do you get a few days off
- I go back on Monday.

- after New Year?
- I don't really get time off.

And is it still the same...

- editing? Editing, yeah.
- Editing, yeah.

Other people write the books,
and I edit them.

Oh, yeah, for now.

Well, I mean,
your first book was...

it was... it's so sad.

- Thank you?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, very depressing.

Right.

It's normal for second books

- to take a while.
- Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, absolutely.

It--it--it took me months
to get out my second cookbook.

And you know what?

Actually, when I was
about to give up,

I heard the most incredible
thing on the radio from Cher.

She was talking about how
there's always so much pressure

put on the sophomore album,
but at the end of the day,

the only person's opinion
is your own.

Hm.

I turned in my book
the next week.

Oop.

I hope to be managing my
own fund one of these days.

Working for myself, like you.

Instead of always just
working for the man.

Why don't you just quit?

Well, I just got promoted.

Figure ten more years
never hurt anybody.

A fund.

Yes.

You know, this is going
to sound crazy

because you've actually
been talking about it for years,

but, like,
if I really hum on it,

I do not think...

Yeah, I don't think I actually
know what you do, man.

Oh, do you have any
dietary restrictions?

No, not that I'm aware of.

And Josh, I think he said
he's not on meat right now.

Right?

When did he say that?
He loves meat.

He eats meat all the time.

Oh, maybe I misheard.

We'll get fish just to be safe.

Streamers!

I'm going to get you
all set up.

Hey, yo. Way.

Shit. Man.

I'm just... a little,

uh... a little rusty, I guess.

Yeah. Yeah.

I gotta tell you, man,
since me and Debs

started spending
every other weekend

- in the country...
- Yeah.

...my whole outlook on life
has changed.

From what to what?

It's like from being an ant
to being a deer.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

From being a cog in the wheel

to the man driving a tractor,
you know?

Yeah.

It has done wonders
for our relationship

You guys having trouble?

...learn a new language,
travel more,

master the art of the casserole.

Do you have any?

No.

None?

The groceries are on me,
by the way.

No, on me.

Mitchey gave me
his black card.

Oh! And I want
to get pregnant finally.

And for Mitch to be happier,
I'd like to help him do that.

Is he not happy?

Oh, he's just stressed at work,
I think.

Right.

But he's back
on the antidepressant

so that's positive.

He didn't tell me that.

He's just a little
bit embarrassed.

So it's our little secret.

Yeah, it's our little secret.

Who isn't, right?

- Right?
- Right, right.

You guys are going to be fine.

I do not think I have ever seen
Melanie not smiling.

Well, you're not with her
all the time.

She can be a bitch.

What a huge bitch she can be.

Well, you know Debs.
She can just be... cold.

- Cold?
- Yeah.

See, I always just...
saw that as thoughtful.

You know, because she wouldn't
be such a great writer

if she didn't daydream.

You read her book?

Three times.

Incredible.

- Huh.
- Decimated me.

What did you think?

Uh-huh.

Hey, can you take my picture?

Hey, do you have a sec?

- I'd like to show you something.
- Yeah, I kind of have

- a splinter that I have to--
- About the heating issue.

I think I have a lead
on the gas leak.

Aha, right.

Of course, yes.

We have a gas leak?

We have to tell them.

Fuck you. We're not doing that.

Fuck me?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

We have to tell them.

Fuck you! We're not doing that.

We discussed it, and we agreed.

You don't think I want to take
your husband's perfect face

and shove it
through a fucking wall?!

This is hard right now because
we are in the thick of it.

But by tomorrow,
it won't hurt so much.

Day after that, even less.

By next week,
it'll feel like a bad dream.

And by next year, trust me,

you won't even remember
that it happened.

I think I'm always
going to remember the day

that my husband
fucked your wife.

You guys need some help?

We're fine.

We've almost got it fixed.

- You owe me.
- I what?

When you got arrested
the night before graduation

because you wore
your dumb jelly shoes

and you tripped and hit
your head on the sidewalk,

and then the campus cops
picked you up,

cocaine fell out of your pocket.

Who bailed you out? Me.

Even though I was
completely broke.

And I made up a whole lie
about how you got mugged

to your fucking parents.

And you said, you owed me.

Whatever I wanted.

Whenever
I wanted it.

- Mitch, this is--
- Two years later,

when you got stranded in Vegas

after walking out
on an amateur gambler

who turned out to be
a professional con man,

you said, you owed me.

Whatever I wanted.

Whenever I wanted it.

I can see what
you're trying to do,

- Last April,
- but this is a very...

when you ran over a raccoon,
but it wasn't all the way dead

and you didn't want the karma
that comes with killing

a still-living raccoon,
so I killed it--

Animal Control killed it!

But who got them on the phone?

Me!

Who cares?

And now I'm a 35-year-old,

LLP Bean-wearing businessman
with an okay sense of humor.

And this is what I want.

This is all I want.

Debs, I somehow won the lotto.

And I'm just... I'm asking you
to help me keep her.

Please just help me keep her.

But lotto winners
always get divorced.

- Debbie.
- Please.

Mitch.

I'm sorry.

- Do we have a leak?
- Not anymore.

A windmill.
Uh, children's gymnastics.

You're on fire.

Karate as an art form.

A CEO.

What?

Like, I was giving
a PowerPoint.

Ted Talk and stuff
and this was money.

Oh, fuck me.

How big is this storm
going to be?

Don't you worry, baby.

I will protect you like
I always have and always will.

Forever and ever and ever.

Amen.

- Let's do this.
- No, thanks.

Okay.

Three words.

Second word.

One syllable.

You're a dog.

You're a bulldog.

You're a cow eating grass.

Mm. Yum. I'm a delicious cow.

- I know this one.
- Oh, good.

- I love a good steak.
- I know this one.

You're so beautiful.

Eating a steak.

Mm-mm-mm.

- Sweetie, thank you.
- Mm, a cannibal cow.

Yum. I'm going to eat myself.

I'm a cow eating myself. Hungry.

I'm gonna write a great review
of this steak.

Mm-mm-mm.

- The meat industry. Yeah.
- Yes, yes.

Like, as a whole?

Oh, we've got dinner coming.

I'll be fine.

- May I?
- Oh, no,

- don't waste another one.
- Oh, no, no, no.

This is gonna be great.

Oh, gosh. Okay.

She's backlit, so.

- Oh, is that...?
- Yeah.

Just add a little light.

Oh. Ah.

Well, not all of us
can have our photos

on the cover
of National Geographic.

- What do you mean?
- Josh, you know,

getting that--that--that cover,

the one with
the lion reservation.

- Mm. That wasn't his photo.
- What do you mean?

One of your guys who works
for you took that photo.

That's not your photo.

Yeah, but he was my guy, so.

Just not worth mentioning?

Yes, Debs, it just seemed
like it wasn't worth mentioning.

But you don't need to lie.

- I didn't.
- You lied by omission.

- That's different.
- Is it?

Is it different, Josh?

- Is it different?
- Mel, uh, did you bring

the Graceland album
like we talked about?

Did you guys know that
Paul Simon entered the studio

without having written
a single song?

Babe, we don't have
to get into this right now.

Actually, I think
that we do need to get into it.

Why don't you just go
have a cigarette?

Josh, why don't you
just tell the truth?

I did. We got the cover.

Does anyone else need a refill?

No. You lied.

- You're lying.
- I'm not lying.

You are lying
like you always lie.

- Always lie? I don't always lie.
- You always lie

- about the most stupid.
- Babe.

I do not lie to you.

Why don't you tell her about
sleeping with me this morning?

- Melanie?
- I'm sorry.

I think I'm going to be sick.

What? You're leaving?

They weren't supposed to know.

I--I don't have the stomach
for this.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hang on. You knew?!

You got to go to the city.

You're going
to get an apartment.

You're going
to pack the sunscreen

and go immediately
to the Bahamas.

You're gonna call your mother.

You're gonna call her mother.

You will not yell.

I donate! I recycle.

I...I deserve to have
good things happen to me

every once in a fuckin' while.

Sundays have always been tough
for me schedule-wise

and you know that.

COME ON!

COME ON!

Aaaahhhhh!

Mitch.

Mitch, are you okay?

We're snowed in.

I'm just, um,

I'm--I'm gonna--I just--I'm--
I need a minute.

Do you want to talk about it?

Melanie, from the bottom
of my heart...

go fuck yourself.

Well shit!

Hello, taxi service.

Hi, there, 24617 Oak Grove.

I need a cab into the city.

My wife fucked my friend.

Uh, well,
I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

Listen, we got a cab coming to
get you in about 55 minutes.

I'll be here.

Come on, motherfucker.

I am very, very disappointed
in you, young lady.

Why'd you wait?

Horses make mistakes.

Please don't leave me.

Okay.

Hello?

Why didn't you say anything...

if you knew?

I needed time to think.

Oh.

What?

I said, “Oh.”

Was it the first time?

Yes!

Do not yell at me!

Baby, it was the only time.

I...If I may start this here,

I would like... I would like
to explain a little bit about--

about the whole thing.

No, thank you.

Debs. Please.

I would love for all of you
to kindly shut the fuck up.

Do you think you could do that?

- Do you think you could?
- Yeah.

Who invited someone?

- I didn't.
- Not me.

- Mitch?
- No!

All right, I'm coming out,

and I don't want
to see anybody, okay?

Not anybody.

Okay?

Oh.

God damn it.

It's horrific.

Divorced and murdered
in the same weekend.

Real five-star vacation.

Who is it?!

- It's Gary, the owner.
- Shit.

I heard you're all
freezing to death.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I said, everybody stay
in your fucking rooms!

Oh, God.

Hi. My repair man got stuck

across the canyon,
so I thought I'd walk down

and see if there's anything
I could do.

- Great.
- I just live up the road.

That's wonderful.

Thank you so much.

Come in, please.

Welcome. Thanks.

Whooh!

No guests!

Are ya'll enjoying yourselves?

Yeah. Shall we?

Of course, that was before
the kids went off to college.

They were with us up
until the last moment.

- Right.
- In fact, if you

look under the staircase,
inside there,

you'll see their growth charts.

We'd mark them down every year
on the first of January.

That's tomorrow.

What's tomorrow?

New Year's Day.

Well, look at that.
You got a resolution?

No. Never really
worked for me, so.

I'm flying blind.

Oh, I think they work all right
if you pick the right one.

How long were you married?

Thirty years.

Of course, there were
two wives before that.

So third time's the charm?

No, third time I tried.

Fuck!

Is it burned?
Oh, my gosh.

- I got it.
- No, I can get it.

- Here. Debs.
- I got it.

- I got it.
- No, Debs. Let me get it.

I got it.

Debs... Stop. What are you--?

Why did you do that?

It was ruined.

- It was salvageable.
- It was burned.

But I could have fixed it.

Well, we're really at opposite
ends of this one, Melanie.

I'm going to need you
to move, please.

We are going to have
to talk about this.

I'm not in a place to do that,

so I'm going to need you
to please move!

Oh, my God.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Hey, hey.

Please tell me that was
not all the booze.

Please - tell me - that -
wasn't - all - the booze.

I...I'm really sorry.

Look, guys, we are going
to have to talk about this

at some point.
So I would suggest--

I would suggest
that no one here,

or anywhere, really,

needs you to lead right now.

- Okay.
- Or ever.

I would suggest that, Debs,
we take the downstairs,

and, Mitch, you and Melanie
take the upstairs,

and we just talk.

All right? We just get
some clarity here.

I think I'm gonna
cut my fucking...

- I'm going to do it.
- Oh, my gosh.

Oh, no, it didn't work...

Oh, well.

After you.

Password.

Unbelievable.

That's right.

Very good.

- Good luck.
- Mm.

And remember, you can take him.

Booze.

Let me just start
by saying that...

Are you going to look at me
like that the whole time?

Like what?

Are you going to look at me
like you hate me--

Are you trying to tell me

- how to look at you?
- No.

- Just that it is difficult
- Yes.

- when I'm--
- I'm absolutely going to look

at you like this the whole time.

I might even
look at you like this.

That's fine.

It is.

Did you call your mother?

- What's that?
- It's her birthday,

and you told me
to remind you to call her.

Oh, right, right.

Well, no.

- No, I didn't.
- Okay. Well--

- I absolutely did not call her.
- Okay.

- Did you?
- Of course.

- You did?
- Yeah, I called her.

Oh, good.

- Good.
- Yeah.

Before or after?

It might seem like
I had planned this.

Me and Melanie had planned this.

I--I promise we didn't.

This was the first time.

We bumped into each other
on the way to the bathroom.

Right after you left.

The toilet in our bedroom
has been making that noise.

That loud clanging noise
every time you flush.

I didn't want to wake anybody.

So I snuck out
to use the hallway

and I turned the corner.

She was there.

He was n--n--naked.

I'd sleep naked.

I had been crying.

I had an... erection.
Not like a...

Why were you crying?

Because I cry at night
sometimes when I'm sad.

Not a sexual one at the time,
just a, like nighttime deal.

So we bumped into each other
in the dark.

- We laughed.
- We laughed.

And then...

He kissed me.

...she kissed me.

Why didn't you stop him?

And it felt...

...good.

I don't think
I wanted to stop him.

I knew it was wrong.

And you were never
going to tell us?

Well, we decided...

We thought it would
be better if...

No.

No.

So... say something.

I'm too angry.

Please.

I'm too hurt.

Please.

I'm going to try very hard
not to yell at you during this.

I guess a divorce.

We get a divorce.

Is that what you want?

It's not what I want.
It's what needs to happen.

No, it's about what you want
to happen.

I messed up.

We've just gotten away
from each other lately.

But you are my partner.

You're the best person for me,
and I...

I know I am the best person
for you, right?

You're my queen, right?

- My little farm girl--
- Stop.

- with the bad...
- Stop it.

You can't charm your way out

- of this one, Josh.
- Babe, that's not what I was...

The ball's in my court,
so just fucking sit there!

Look at me.

No.

Baby.

No.

Mitch.

No.

I'm sorry.

You are taking advantage of me
because I'm a nice guy.

But I'm not as nice
as you think, okay?

I can be a mean guy, too.

Okay.

I can say mean things.

I've got them in me, lined up.

I know you do, baby.

Melanie

Ha--haven't I always
been there for you?

Haven't I always treated you
with respect?

Always.

I listen to your stories.

I'm present.

We talk.

We do.

And yet you--you
still fucked him.

Why would you do that?

Why would you do that?

I don't... I don't...

I'm so mad.

I know.

And I get to be mean
if I want to.

Do you know how many times
I thought about cheating on you?

- I don't.
- So many.

And I almost did it once when
I went on tour with that band

to write about them.

I made him a mix CD
because I just wanted somebody

to hear a guitar part
and see them smile

because they hadn't
heard it before.

And I wanted to tell him
my favorite movies

and talk about books,
and I wanted to tell him jokes

and have him look me
right in the eyes and laugh.

That's all I wanted.

And we did it. And it was...

I cried.

I cried when he laughed
at my joke.

And we didn't have sex
because we didn't need to.

It was enough.

And I felt guilty for looking
in someone else's eyes

for so long,
but at the same time,

I felt so good because

I felt like myself with him.

I felt like
the old version of me

that I only see in pictures.

And I miss her.

Was it his dick?

- I'm sorry?
- Yeah. Because, you know,

basically,
this guy has no money,

no company, no 401k, no future.

So I'm just racking my brain
and all I can think of is,

“God damn, Josh must have
a huge swinging dick.”

- No.
- No?

Well, I mean, it's fine.

- It's fine?
- There was no way for me

to know that before it happened,

so, obviously, like clearly,

I did not seek him out
for his dick.

Yeah. So here's where I'm at.

As a man,

there are just certain things
that I'm going to need to know

in order to get past this.

And one of those things

is what this swinging dick,

long-haired,
nature fucking photographer has

that I do not have.

I mean, come on.

She's beautiful.

You're the most beautiful.

No, because I haven't
been laid in four months,

and you fucked Melanie.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry.

Be honest.

- There's no reason to be sorry.
- I don't know where you go

all day, so how can we have sex
if you're never home?

Fuck.

Mitch, it was an accident.

Kissing is an accident.

Fucking is a hundred tiny
accidents in a row.

Just tell me why you did it
and we can move on.

Okay, baby.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- No. Baby, I don't know,

- I don't--I don't know.
- That's not going to do it.

That's not going to do it,
so why don't you try again?

- I don't--I...I...
- Just tell me.

Please, Melanie,
for once in your fucking life,

- just don't be polite, okay?!
- I'm not.

Just say it!

Whatever it is, just say it!

I'm dumb!

What?

I'm dumb and...
and I'm a burden.

Oh, honey, you're not a burden.

No, but, yeah,

really, it's not... it's not
really something you can help,

other than to, like, read books,
which I try,

but I think I read
the wrong ones,

- and...
- Oh, Melanie.

No, but, and I know
I'm a disappointment to you

because I don't have
a real job, right?

And I don't make any money,
and I don't know anything

about theories of politics
and economy like Debs does.

Nope, this isn't about Debs.

Yes. But I am going
to get better,

and I want to be better for you.

Will you just tell me
what to say?

Please, Mitch,
just tell me what to say.

You want me to say
that it meant nothing?

- Yeah.
- It meant nothing.

Do you want me to say
that it was bad?

- Sure. Absolutely.
- Yeah.

It was really bad.
He was really...

he was really bad.

Do you want me to say
that I don't love him?

I think I know my stance there.

I--I don't-- I don't love him.

I don't love him.

- And do you love me?
- Yes.

And is that the truth?

Or are you just telling me
what I want to hear?

The truth.

The truth is that you're weak.

That you... you needed
to fuck her to feel powerful.

That you don't know who you are,

and you keep blaming it on me

that you are just
a messed-up little man

with an ego way bigger
than anyone deserves.

And you have been bad to me!

And you don't have
one good reason

and I am very, very, very, mad
about it.

I have a cab coming.

I want you to come with me.

But I need to know why.

I need it.

I just... I need it.

Otherwise, I'll think
about it forever.

And I don't... I don't want
to think about him forever.

I wanna...
I wanna think about you.

Twenty minutes.

You said, and I quote,

you will be here in 55 minutes.

- Sir...
- And, you know, I--I'm--I'm

- looking at the clock right now,
- Sir, I understand

- that you're upset.
- and, it's...

- well, it's over 55 minutes.
- There's a terrible storm.

No, there's a storm?

Oh, gosh, now I see it!

Well, how about this?

Yes. How about I provide
you guys a tutorial

on how windshield wipers work?

How does that sound?

I do not like
the way you're speaking to me, sir.

- No. No, I didn't mean that.
- Give me a break.

And during the
holiday season .

I'm sorry. Look, I'm...

I'm having a day,
so I apologize profusely,

but he has--he has to come.
Okay?

He has to come.

Good luck to you.

Mister Gary?

Yeah.

Hey, Mister Gary.

Um, hello. Mitch.

One of the temporary residents
in your beautiful home.

Uh, so, I have a little issue,
and I go--I...

I need to leave this evening.

This evening?
Oh, is everything okay?

Yeah, I--I--I have...
I have a--I have a large--

I have a pretty
significant work emergency

and I--I have to get back
to the city.

I don't think it's
gonna happen tonight.

- Ooh. Because of the snow.
- Yeah.

Well... well, yeah,
I was--I was thinking,

like, maybe if you have shovels
or--or a tractor.

- I do.
- You do?

- It won't work.
- It won't?

Not on the ice.

Plus, they closed the canyon.

We're going to have to wait
till sunup,

get a little clarity
on the situation.

You understand.

Hey, how much can you lift?

It's not for everyone,
you know.

What's that?

The country.

- No city noises...
- Uh-huh.

...blocking out
all the little voices

- screaming at us from inside.
- Of course.

Sooner or later,
you got to come face to face

with your true identity.

Absolutely. Yeah. Beautiful.

Ah. Here we go.

Seems this little critter
got up in it

and sang hallelujah.

He was blocking the pipe.

At least she wasn't cold
when she died.

No, she wasn't.

Ah. Ah.

Jesus, what, uh...

Oh, dude, tell me this is some

back alley Chateau Lafite.

When we moved in, we found
a couple cases behind a wall.

Apparently, the original owner
was a bootlegger.

Yeah?

You ever, uh, try it?

Uh-huh.

That there is dangerous stuff.

- No.
- It's me.

Hi. I don't think
I can talk right now.

Okay. I just--I just--

I just wanted to see if you're--
how you're doing.

I'm fine. Thank you so much.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Do you
want to see how I'm doing?

And you?

I'm bleeding
out emotionally.

Absolutely never been worse.

Thank you for asking.

Come in.

You sure?

Sorry.

You scared me.

Sorry. Just... no.

I'd come over there
and give you a hug right now,

but I'm pretty sure
we're not allowed.

You hungry?

I really let her have it.

I gave her a piece of my mind.

I thought you guys fixed
the fucking heat.

He removed a squirrel.

I don't really know
what that does.

She was... she was down
on her knees begging me to stay.

Just a sobbing mess.

Tears in her eyes.

“Oh, baby, please.
Please don't go.

"You're the best man
I've ever met.

"The best lover.

I want you inside
of me right now.”

Which I was not going to do.

I'm not going to give her that
after what she...

So, yeah, I just...
I felt bad for her, really.

Mm... Let's not feel
too bad for her.

Yeah.

So who gets the house?

We're not there yet.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You're not staying together,
are you?

Uh, we're not there yet.

Debbie, this your one chance
to zipline to freedom,

and you're not there yet?

He's ketamine.

You're cocaine.

He's a rusty sword.

You're an atomic bomb.

You're a real live person.

He's an asshole.

How is he more of an asshole
than Melanie?

He's an asshole in his core.

Josh's chemical makeup
is asshole.

Sure, Melanie was an asshole
in this situation,

but deep down, deep, deep, deep,
deep, deep, deep, deep, deep,

deep down, she's a...

she's a good person.

What are you drinking?

I thought we didn't
have anything.

Well, maybe I found something.

What I'm confused about
is who's riding in which car.

They can't ride together.

Fuck.

I'm not driving home with Josh,

and I don't even know when
we're going to get out of here.

The snow is, like,
not going to stop.

And three days to plow the
roads would be way too--

I can't--I cannot handle
three days here.

It's too much eating
Melanie's cooking.

The whole thought
of it just makes me wanna cry.

Gonna starve in here.

Hey.

Debbie?

My best friend
in the entire world

who I would stab
a thousand tiny birds for

if I ever found myself
in a situation

in which that was necessary.

I think maybe
you've had enough.

I think maybe
we're just getting started.

It's a creative outlet
for me, really.

I'm sorry. What...
is this salmon?

- Trout.
- Trout is pink.

Jesus, you got a real talent.

♪ With me ♪

♪ I... ♪

I don't know
why I didn't see it sooner.

This is a wake-up call.

This is an anvil
on the head from God.

- Uh-huh.
- This moment.

This one.

- Okay.
- Hah!

This... God is showing us
a new path.

That's what's happening, Debbie.

God is showing us a new path.

When did you start
believing in God?

This morning?
Right now? Who knows?

But I see it.

This is a blessing.

We saw them fuck.

We saw it,

and it saved us
from the rest of our lives.

I've never heard you say

one optimistic thing
your entire life.

Like, your wife
fucks another man,

and all of a sudden,
it's a blessing?

I have no idea what's going on.

What happened to my best friend?

He woke up.

What?

He woke... the fuck... uuuuupppp!

- Mitch!
- Yeah!

Hey! Mitch!

Whooh!

What the hell are you doing?

Providing wood!

So that you will be warm!

Which you deserve to be!

Mitch!

You don't have any shoes on.

Get back inside!

Get back into rock climbing...

- Whoa.
- Mm-hm.

Build a lattice
for my tomato plant.

- Okay, yeah.
- and... call my mother more.

You?

- Mine's learn a new language...
- Mm-hm.

call my mother less...

- Oh, yeah.
- and master the art

- of the casserole.
- Ooh. I love casserole.

You do?

And I see it now,

and I don't know
why I was ever scared of it.

Today is Bastille Day,

and it's time
to storm the castle.

Whooh!

You're drinking scotch?

Mitch, seriously, are you okay?

And do you know what
the best part about it is?

I know you've thought
about it, too.

Thought about what?

In your quietest moments.

Thought about what?

Can I ask why you did it?

Did what?

Kiss me. I...just...
Why'd you do it?

I don't think I know
what you're saying.

Why did you kiss me?

- I--I'm just asking why.
- Melanie.

You kissed me.

You're drunk.

I'm not drunk.

I'm alive.

No, you need water.

Deborah, we've been
best friends for 15 years.

Are you really telling me...

you're telling me
you've never thought about it?

I...I...I don't think
that I have.

Lying.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for God's sake, she's lying.

Freshman year.
You and me, in the closet.

Chris Ryman's
St. Patrick's Day party.

Everybody was playing mafia.

We thought it was dumb.

We snuck off.

You put a four leaf clover
sticker on my forehead

and we kissed.

But, Mitch, we were kids.

I mean, it was nothing.

It was nothing?

We were kids.

It was nothing?

Okay, what if it wasn't?

What if this whole time,

we've been kidding ourselves
because it was too real,

so we had to distract ourselves
with the wrong people?

Maybe we just didn't think
we deserved it.

- Mitch, I--
- Before you say anything,

just think about it
for a minute.

Just give it a moment of thought
before you respond.

No, that wasn't long enough.

Really think about it. Really.

That is exactly what
you fucking would say.

No, but. You--remember
when you threw me up

- against the wall?
- Yeah, you know what?

That was after you kissed me!

- That--No, absolutely not!
- Sshhh!

You can't-- Look, Melanie,
you cannot just kiss a woman

in this day and age.
I did--I--I reciprocated.

I'm just saying that I wasn't
thinking about it, okay?

I--I didn't--I didn't--
I didn't think about it

before it happened,
and then it just happened.

And now what?

Now is what? Is what?

You can't possibly blame me
for this, do you?

- Hold on. Do you blame me?
- Excuse me.

Melanie, we decided
this together,

- Mm-hm.
- okay? We had a discussion.

We had a conversation

- very briefly.
- Still.

While you were kissing me.

You were also kissing me.

It is very hard
to make a good decision

about fucking
while you're kissing.

Look, I wish it never
happened either.

Well, I didn't say that.

Mitch. You're married
and you won the lotto, remember?

And I'm married.
We got married to other people.

He doesn't like your book.

Oh, fuck.

- He loves my book.
- No.

- He told me.
- He told me.

This morning.

Well, he must have just--

And that the two of you
aren't having sex.

What did you do,
ayahuasca together?

Debs, you're fighting
to stay with a man

who doesn't understand you.

And I do.

And I always have.

Do you think I'm dumb?

Absolutely not.

♪ Where am I? ♪

♪ Nobody speaks to me ♪

♪ Please, I'll give
A gentle sigh ♪

♪ As I wander by ♪

♪ Where are you? ♪

♪ Why don't you speak to me? ♪

♪ Are you gonna leave me
All alone ♪

♪ With my misery? ♪

Oh. Hey, butto.

It's Mitch Delpin. Businessman.

Did you think
about that proposal?

I did think about it.

Get you up where you belong.

And my answer is

over my dead body.

Sorry, what's that?

♪ I wish you wouldn't hurt me,
Darlin' ♪

♪ I wish with all my heart ♪

I have not enjoyed one minute
of one day of one year

working for you, buddy.

You're self-centered,
you cheat at golf,

you were nepotized
into your job,

and boy, does it show.

The bottom line is
I--I don't want to be like you.

Mm.

So I quit.

You're fired, Mitch.

- I'm firing you.
- No, no.

That's incorrect.
No, you're hurting my ear!

I quit.

I'm quitting.

- Goddamn life!
- Thank you. Good day.

Dad! Dad! Mitch...

Mitch, I love so many things
about you.

But I don't think I've been
in love with you since the...

And even one minute
spent not in love...

is a waste of our time.

Is a waste of our lives.

And...

just say it...

Yes, you can.

Melanie, yes, you can.

Hey.

Mm...

Tsk...

Can you turn it down, please?

It's just a little too loud.

Yeah!

Mitch...

What'd I miss?

Nothing.

Nothing.

I think you should
come down here.

What is that?

It's the truth.

I, uh, found this
in the garage.

You found it?

Debbie, I can't
quite explain it,

but I am feeling really good.

The last thing I want
is to dance or celebrate

or feel good right now.

People are ready for 2022.

We are 20 seconds out.

Please, Debbie.

We always celebrate together.

And let's
get ready to count together.

Ten, nine,
eight, seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one.

Happy New Year.

To love.

To friends.

To...l... life.

To truth.

Fuck you guys.

Salud!

- Okay.
- Oh.

Okay.

All right.

At work, sometimes
before a board meeting,

I will masturbate to completion
in bathroom stall number three.

I steal when I'm nervous.

A state senator once asked me

for a dick pic. I sent it.

I slept with three
of my college professors.

What? Who?

German history,
obscure mathematics,

and medieval studies.

- Wait a second.
- Medieval studies?

- Professor Logey was like...
- ...in his 60s, yeah.

And his wife.

I saw my mom cheat on my dad
when I was eight.

I never told him.

I hired a teenager in India
to write this book.

- What?
- I don't even know him.

Or her.

I hate this shirt
on my body so much.

I don't even have the words
to describe it.

Just so much.

I've gotten so sad lately.

I don't know
when exactly it happened,

but I'm just so sad.

I kissed Melanie.

She reciprocated,
but I kissed her.

Thank you.

Did you like my book?

No.

But not because it wasn't good.

It didn't feel like you.

I know.

I finished my new one,

and I think it might be
really, really beautiful.

But I can't show it to anyone.

Because if I do,
and they hate it,

like last time,
then I'll have to quit,

and I won't have anything
to latch on to in my life,

and I...I might just float away.

You've always had me.

I have no money.

None.

It's all his.

It's 100% true.

I have no money.

And... and the best part
is I quit my job.

Wait. You're getting
a promotion.

- Yeah, I was.
- Yeah, you are!

And I did. I got it.

- Yay!
- And then I quit.

Why is that funny?

I've cheated on everyone
I've ever been with except you.

Until now.

Mmm.

Why do you think
you did cheat on me?

Because I don't like
myself very much.

Only Melanie doesn't know that.

So for a second, I forgot.

Because, uh,

when you like yourself,
you can get a hard-on.

And when you don't, you can't.

I love dessert.

You hate dessert?

No...

no, I love it.

Our entire relationship,

you always say you don't want
to hear about the dessert menu.

Yes, but the truth is,

I think I just probably
wanted the dinner to be over.

Because I feel like
we've run out of stuff

to say to each other.

- Uh-huh.
- And that bums me out.

It bums you out?

And I've given up
thousands of desserts.

And... I know it's trivial.

And I know that
all my needs are met,

and I should be grateful
and happy, but I'm not.

Because...

I think maybe I married someone
who has no idea who I am.

And I don't think I really
have any idea who you are.

And maybe it occurred
to me this morning that

I could either live
the rest of my life that way,

without dessert,

or I could pull
the escape hatch.

And so I pulled it.

I want you to have dessert,
Melanie.

You know, I try to bring art
into my work, I really do,

but investment bankers
just don't see it.

- They don't see it.
- Yeah,

but it's not too late, you know?

No, it is. I--I don't have
any other skills.

This is very limiting,
you know?

This is very limiting talk.

You should take yourself
more seriously.

- Nah.
- Yeah.

Nah. I wouldn't even know
where to start.

I'll tell you where you start.

You start with still life,

and then you move on
to portraits or abstract.

I mean, anything. You can go
in any direction, man.

- I--I--You should...
- Hey...

You fucked my wife.

Don't inspire me.

I always thought I'd be
further along than I am.

Yeah, you're borderline one
of those sad cases.

Dang it.

But listen. I know it wasn't
for everyone,

but I really cried
when I read your book.

- You did?
- Yeah.

There is this
one beautiful moment

in the last chapter

where the lead character
stops pretending

that everything
is going to be okay.

That's my favorite bit.

Hey, Debs.

He doesn't believe us.

- No.
- What do you mean?

This guy doesn't believe us.

Ha!

I don't see no tree.

- Ah!
- Oh! Whoa-ho-ho.

What did I say?

- We found it.
- What did I say?!

- I knew we'd find it.
- Well, shit.

- I was wrong.
- Look.

- All right.
- Inches.

- All right.
- Inches...

- Inches.
- All right.

- Where--how did it happen?
- He was there and I was there.

- We were...
- There, right there.

And then it was...

It just fell?

A deer...

Hey.

Hey, hey, guys!

What time is it?

Yes.

Yes.

Whooh!

- Yeaaahhh!
- Whooooooohh!

- Aww!
- Aaaaahhh!

Come here often?

I'm new in town actually.

Hey, um,

I know that I have
a ton of work to do.

- The lion's share.
- No. You... you don't have to.

And I know this is my fault,
and I know that you hate me.

Hey, Josh.

I needed him.

The musician, Danny.

That's where I go all day.

I've been writing my book
at his house

because I can't write
when I'm with you.

I haven't been able to speak,
and I've gotten really quiet.

If you notice that,
that I've gotten, like,

I've gotten small.

And it's not all your fault,

because I--I--I turned to stone
at a certain point,

like, I didn't recognize
the person

I was sleeping in bed next to

and I should have just
reached out to you

but instead of reaching out
to you, I just...

I turned to stone.

And--and
and when I was with him,

I could--I could feel everything
and I could smile,

and it all just...
it was all there for me.

And I don't know
why that happened,

and I'm sorry.

Did you sleep with him?

No.

- Debs.
- Never. No.

Mm.

Hi. Uh, I'm Josh.

I'm a photographer.

Not actually the best
on my team,

but I'm a good leader.

I'm kind.

I'm slightly insecure
about getting older

and my body and whether
I'm actually funny

or if I'm just good at telling
other people's punchlines...

and, oh, man,
I really love my wife.

And I would really like for her
to try and get to know me now

without all of the,
um, ...

without any aspirations or,
like, bullshit and just--just,

uh... Right?

And if we can't find
our way back,

then we'll be done.

But not until we try.

Please. Please.

Hi, Josh.

I'm Debbie.

Hey.

I like my twig.

- Well?
- Yep, I'll see you.

Or not.

Okay. So, uh, you're
going to want to get gas

before you hit the freeways.

And make sure that
the lady's voice on the map

is super loud so that
you don't miss any of the turns.

It's icy.

You'll be fine.

Yeah, but...
a little bit scared.

You'll be fine.

How long are you staying?

I have no idea.

I'll be at my parents'
in case of emergency.

Okay...

Okay.

I'll be seeing you.

You will, yeah.

Of course.

Do you need a pep talk?

Always.

Hey.

I left something on the table
for you to read

if you have time to read it.

I do.

And you should give it
to Josh, too.

Okay.

Okay.