Original subtitles

[music]

>> Yeah. Yes, you. Hey everybody, welcome

>> Yeah. Yes, you. Hey everybody, welcome

>> Yeah. Yes, you. Hey everybody, welcome back. I am here as you can see with Paul

back. I am here as you can see with Paul

back. I am here as you can see with Paul McCartney.

McCartney.

McCartney. Um uh Paul, during the commercial break,

Um uh Paul, during the commercial break,

Um uh Paul, during the commercial break, you were telling me the story I hope

you were telling me the story I hope

you were telling me the story I hope you'd share with the audience. And tell

you'd share with the audience. And tell

you'd share with the audience. And tell me if I got any of this wrong. There was

me if I got any of this wrong. There was

me if I got any of this wrong. There was a point at which you and Ringo got into

a point at which you and Ringo got into

a point at which you and Ringo got into a slap fight with Herman's Hermits.

a slap fight with Herman's Hermits.

a slap fight with Herman's Hermits. What?

What?

What? Uh uh Tom, did you hear that? Yeah.

Do you know what that is? No.

Do you know what that is? No.

Do you know what that is? No. This is not the night for technical

This is not the night for technical

This is not the night for technical difficulties. I'm I I I I tell you what

difficulties. I'm I I I I tell you what

difficulties. I'm I I I I tell you what what what we're going to do is I'm sorry

what what we're going to do is I'm sorry

what what we're going to do is I'm sorry about this. We're going to take another

about this. We're going to take another

about this. We're going to take another quick commercial break and we're going

quick commercial break and we're going

quick commercial break and we're going to find that and fix it, right, Tom?

to find that and fix it, right, Tom?

to find that and fix it, right, Tom? Okay. Uh I'm sorry. We'll be right back

Okay. Uh I'm sorry. We'll be right back

Okay. Uh I'm sorry. We'll be right back with more Paul McCartney, everybody.

>> [applause and cheering]

>> [applause and cheering]

>> [applause and cheering] >> I'm so sorry about that.

>> I'm so sorry about that.

>> I'm so sorry about that. Um

Um

Um I I just don't know why tonight is the

I I just don't know why tonight is the

I I just don't know why tonight is the night that it's happening, but Olivia,

night that it's happening, but Olivia,

night that it's happening, but Olivia, if you could just help Paul. I'll be

if you could just help Paul. I'll be

if you could just help Paul. I'll be right back as soon as we figure this

right back as soon as we figure this

right back as soon as we figure this out, Paul. Thank you.

out, Paul. Thank you.

out, Paul. Thank you. Okay, I'll be I'll be right back. Louis.

What the is this?

Not my Apple Watch. Now I'll never know

Not my Apple Watch. Now I'll never know

Not my Apple Watch. Now I'll never know if it's time to stand up.

if it's time to stand up.

if it's time to stand up. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> What is this?

>> What is this?

>> What is this? Stephen, maybe I can help explain.

Stephen, maybe I can help explain.

Stephen, maybe I can help explain. Famed [cheering] astrophysicist and

Famed [cheering] astrophysicist and

Famed [cheering] astrophysicist and [applause] actual friend of mine, Neil

[applause] actual friend of mine, Neil

[applause] actual friend of mine, Neil deGrasse Tyson. Thank god you're here.

deGrasse Tyson. Thank god you're here.

deGrasse Tyson. Thank god you're here. No, no. Thanks, science. I'm here. It's

No, no. Thanks, science. I'm here. It's

No, no. Thanks, science. I'm here. It's just something you say, man.

just something you say, man.

just something you say, man. What what is it? Well, it looks to me

What what is it? Well, it looks to me

What what is it? Well, it looks to me like a textbook case of an

like a textbook case of an

like a textbook case of an Einstein-Rosen bridge, also known as an

Einstein-Rosen bridge, also known as an

Einstein-Rosen bridge, also known as an interdimensional wormhole. It's

interdimensional wormhole. It's

interdimensional wormhole. It's gradually swallowing up all matter and

gradually swallowing up all matter and

gradually swallowing up all matter and antimatter around it. Wow, that sucks.

antimatter around it. Wow, that sucks.

antimatter around it. Wow, that sucks. >> [laughter]

>> Stephen, it's a huge problem. You see,

>> Stephen, it's a huge problem. You see,

>> Stephen, it's a huge problem. You see, the fabric of the universe is

the fabric of the universe is

the fabric of the universe is underpinned by an immutable set of

underpinned by an immutable set of

underpinned by an immutable set of physical laws. Two contradictory

physical laws. Two contradictory

physical laws. Two contradictory realities cannot coexist without

realities cannot coexist without

realities cannot coexist without rupturing the space-time continuum. Like

rupturing the space-time continuum. Like

rupturing the space-time continuum. Like what?

what?

what? Well, for instance, if a show is number

Well, for instance, if a show is number

Well, for instance, if a show is number one on late night and it also gets

one on late night and it also gets

one on late night and it also gets canceled. They canceled Gutfeld?

canceled. They canceled Gutfeld?

canceled. They canceled Gutfeld? >> No, no, no. Your show.

>> No, no, no. Your show.

>> No, no, no. Your show. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So, your cancellation has created a rift

So, your cancellation has created a rift

So, your cancellation has created a rift in the comedy variety talk continuum.

in the comedy variety talk continuum.

in the comedy variety talk continuum. And if it grows,

And if it grows,

And if it grows, all of late night television could be

all of late night television could be

all of late night television could be destroyed.

destroyed.

destroyed. This is unbelievable.

This is unbelievable.

This is unbelievable. Yeah, it kind of is unbelievable cuz in

Yeah, it kind of is unbelievable cuz in

Yeah, it kind of is unbelievable cuz in reality, a wormhole doesn't suck. It's

reality, a wormhole doesn't suck. It's

reality, a wormhole doesn't suck. It's just a portal you step through. And

just a portal you step through. And

just a portal you step through. And where'd you get green? Have you been

where'd you get green? Have you been

where'd you get green? Have you been watching too much Rick and Morty?

Oh, no. It swallowed Neil deGrasse Tyson

Oh, no. It swallowed Neil deGrasse Tyson

Oh, no. It swallowed Neil deGrasse Tyson before he could explain how we were

before he could explain how we were

before he could explain how we were wrong about something.

wrong about something.

wrong about something. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> Damn it.

>> Damn it.

>> Damn it. This can't be happening. If only I had

This can't be happening. If only I had

This can't be happening. If only I had some sort of wise mentor figure I could

some sort of wise mentor figure I could

some sort of wise mentor figure I could talk to.

talk to.

talk to. JON STEWART!

JON STEWART!

JON STEWART! >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] [applause]

[applause]

[applause] >> OH, JON. JON, do you know of any wise

>> OH, JON. JON, do you know of any wise

>> OH, JON. JON, do you know of any wise mentor figures I could talk to?

mentor figures I could talk to?

mentor figures I could talk to? No, actually, Stephen, I'm here on

No, actually, Stephen, I'm here on

No, actually, Stephen, I'm here on behalf of Paramount. They wanted me to

behalf of Paramount. They wanted me to

behalf of Paramount. They wanted me to read this statement. And they kind of

read this statement. And they kind of

read this statement. And they kind of have to do what they say because, you

have to do what they say because, you

have to do what they say because, you know, I'm not the one who got

know, I'm not the one who got

know, I'm not the one who got canceled for stealing printer

canceled for stealing printer

canceled for stealing printer cartridges.

cartridges.

cartridges. That's not why I was canceled.

>> [snorts]

>> [snorts]

>> [snorts] >> Quote.

>> Quote.

>> Quote. Paramount strongly believes in covering

Paramount strongly believes in covering

Paramount strongly believes in covering both sides of any black hole that is

both sides of any black hole that is

both sides of any black hole that is swallowing everything we know and love.

swallowing everything we know and love.

swallowing everything we know and love. And the coverage must also include the

And the coverage must also include the

And the coverage must also include the positive aspects of the insatiable

positive aspects of the insatiable

positive aspects of the insatiable emptiness.

emptiness.

emptiness. You know what?

You know what?

You know what? That's fair. It is. I didn't think my

That's fair. It is. I didn't think my

That's fair. It is. I didn't think my show would end like this, but still

show would end like this, but still

show would end like this, but still grateful. Yeah, look Steven, I'm going

grateful. Yeah, look Steven, I'm going

grateful. Yeah, look Steven, I'm going to be real with you. Um

to be real with you. Um

to be real with you. Um I need to ask you something. Oh, of

I need to ask you something. Oh, of

I need to ask you something. Oh, of course John. Let me just first take a

course John. Let me just first take a

course John. Let me just first take a sip of water.

sip of water.

sip of water. >> [laughter]

>> Do you think you might be in a little

>> Do you think you might be in a little

>> Do you think you might be in a little bit of denial?

bit of denial?

bit of denial? >> [snorts]

>> [snorts]

>> [snorts] >> No!

>> No!

>> No! YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID WET FACE!

YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID WET FACE!

YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID WET FACE! I'M NOT DENIAL. WHAT DENIAL?

I'M NOT DENIAL. WHAT DENIAL?

I'M NOT DENIAL. WHAT DENIAL? STEVEN, don't you see this hole isn't a

STEVEN, don't you see this hole isn't a

STEVEN, don't you see this hole isn't a hole.

hole.

hole. It's a metaphor.

It's a metaphor.

It's a metaphor. Hey guys,

Hey guys,

Hey guys, what are you talking about?

Okay, it's a literal hole.

Okay, it's a literal hole.

Okay, it's a literal hole. But the point is

But the point is

But the point is the hole's here. You can't ignore it.

the hole's here. You can't ignore it.

the hole's here. You can't ignore it. The only choice you have now is how you

The only choice you have now is how you

The only choice you have now is how you choose to walk through it. You can go in

choose to walk through it. You can go in

choose to walk through it. You can go in kicking and screaming. That one. Or you

kicking and screaming. That one. Or you

kicking and screaming. That one. Or you can do what you've done

can do what you've done

can do what you've done for the past 30 years when faced with

for the past 30 years when faced with

for the past 30 years when faced with something dark.

something dark.

something dark. You stare it down

You stare it down

You stare it down and you can laugh.

and you can laugh.

and you can laugh. I'm sorry John, just can't think of any

I'm sorry John, just can't think of any

I'm sorry John, just can't think of any jokes to say about my giant gaping hole.

jokes to say about my giant gaping hole.

jokes to say about my giant gaping hole. Really? Nothing? Good. No.

Really? Nothing? Good. No.

Really? Nothing? Good. No. Well, I'm sorry I couldn't be more

Well, I'm sorry I couldn't be more

Well, I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful. Uh

helpful. Uh

helpful. Uh got to go. I've got to get my 72 hours

got to go. I've got to get my 72 hours

got to go. I've got to get my 72 hours of beauty sleep before my show on

of beauty sleep before my show on

of beauty sleep before my show on Monday.

Monday.

Monday. Thanks, John. Yeah. And John,

Thanks, John. Yeah. And John,

Thanks, John. Yeah. And John, before you go, I have something I need

before you go, I have something I need

before you go, I have something I need to say. Just in case this is the last

to say. Just in case this is the last

to say. Just in case this is the last time we ever speak.

time we ever speak.

time we ever speak. All right then, [music] say it.

All right then, [music] say it.

All right then, [music] say it. But first, let me just grab a quick sip

But first, let me just grab a quick sip

But first, let me just grab a quick sip of water. Of course.

of water. Of course.

of water. Of course. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> John,

I love you.

I love you, too.

I'm going to miss him.

>> [applause and cheering]

>> [applause and cheering]

>> [applause and cheering] >> How am I going to finish my show now?

>> How am I going to finish my show now?

>> How am I going to finish my show now? Maybe we can help.

Maybe we can help.

Maybe we can help. Late Show Force 5? [cheering]

Late Show Force 5? [cheering]

Late Show Force 5? [cheering] Oh, come on.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on. >> Jimmy, Seth, John, Handsome Jimmy.

>> Jimmy, Seth, John, Handsome Jimmy.

>> Jimmy, Seth, John, Handsome Jimmy. Thank god you're here when I need you

Thank god you're here when I need you

Thank god you're here when I need you the most. We came to say we're going to

the most. We came to say we're going to

the most. We came to say we're going to miss you. Late night is not going to be

miss you. Late night is not going to be

miss you. Late night is not going to be the same without you. Yeah, without you,

the same without you. Yeah, without you,

the same without you. Yeah, without you, where will Americans turn to see a

where will Americans turn to see a

where will Americans turn to see a middle-aged white man make jokes about

middle-aged white man make jokes about

middle-aged white man make jokes about the news? The news? Why? What's going

the news? The news? Why? What's going

the news? The news? Why? What's going on? It's okay. Yeah, don't worry about

on? It's okay. Yeah, don't worry about

on? It's okay. Yeah, don't worry about Why [laughter] aren't you guys being

Why [laughter] aren't you guys being

Why [laughter] aren't you guys being pulled in, too?

pulled in, too?

pulled in, too? You know what? Actually, one of these

You know what? Actually, one of these

You know what? Actually, one of these holes opened at my show last year, but

holes opened at my show last year, but

holes opened at my show last year, but it went away after about 3 days. Is that

it went away after about 3 days. Is that

it went away after about 3 days. Is that what's going to happen [cheering] to me,

what's going to happen [cheering] to me,

what's going to happen [cheering] to me, too?

too?

too? Shh.

At some point, this may come for all of

At some point, this may come for all of

At some point, this may come for all of our shows, but Stephen, what's important

our shows, but Stephen, what's important

our shows, but Stephen, what's important to remember is tonight it is going to be

to remember is tonight it is going to be

to remember is tonight it is going to be you.

you.

you. Fellas,

Fellas,

Fellas, I'm scared. It's okay. Just do what you

I'm scared. It's okay. Just do what you

I'm scared. It's okay. Just do what you do when you're scared. I can't. I didn't

do when you're scared. I can't. I didn't

do when you're scared. I can't. I didn't bring another pair of pants.

bring another pair of pants.

bring another pair of pants. Stephen, didn't you stop doing your show

Stephen, didn't you stop doing your show

Stephen, didn't you stop doing your show after the 2016 election?

after the 2016 election?

after the 2016 election? No, I didn't.

No, I didn't.

No, I didn't. >> That's right. And did you stop doing

>> That's right. And did you stop doing

>> That's right. And did you stop doing your show during COVID? No, I didn't.

your show during COVID? No, I didn't.

your show during COVID? No, I didn't. >> And did you stop doing your show when no

>> And did you stop doing your show when no

>> And did you stop doing your show when no one could tell if that dress was blue

one could tell if that dress was blue

one could tell if that dress was blue and black or white and gold? Yes, sir.

and black or white and gold? Yes, sir.

and black or white and gold? Yes, sir. Absolutely white and gold.

Absolutely white and gold.

Absolutely white and gold. No, you are just

No, you are just

No, you are just objectively wrong. No, I I know I'm a

objectively wrong. No, I I know I'm a

objectively wrong. No, I I know I'm a You work in the field.

I heard

I heard

I heard I heard Yanni. Guys, guys,

I heard Yanni. Guys, guys,

I heard Yanni. Guys, guys, I think I get it now.

I think I get it now.

I think I get it now. It looks like it's the end, and I wish

It looks like it's the end, and I wish

It looks like it's the end, and I wish it wasn't,

it wasn't,

it wasn't, but that's not for me to decide.

but that's not for me to decide.

but that's not for me to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with

All we have to decide is what to do with

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

the time that is given us.

the time that is given us. So, you can wait your turn, hole. Yeah.

So, you can wait your turn, hole. Yeah.

So, you can wait your turn, hole. Yeah. You get out of here, hole. For the next

You get out of here, hole. For the next

You get out of here, hole. For the next 12 minutes, Colbert is the only one in

12 minutes, Colbert is the only one in

12 minutes, Colbert is the only one in this theater who's going to suck.

this theater who's going to suck.

this theater who's going to suck. Thanks, not handsome Jimmy.

Thanks, not handsome Jimmy.

Thanks, not handsome Jimmy. Now, if you gentlemen excuse me, I've

Now, if you gentlemen excuse me, I've

Now, if you gentlemen excuse me, I've got a show to get back to. And I'm going

got a show to get back to. And I'm going

got a show to get back to. And I'm going to finish it the way I want.

to finish it the way I want.

to finish it the way I want. >> Wait, with what? Not more Lord of the

>> Wait, with what? Not more Lord of the

>> Wait, with what? Not more Lord of the Rings bull.

Rings bull.

Rings bull. Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Are you happy? You made Elijah sad.

Are you happy? You made Elijah sad.

Are you happy? You made Elijah sad. >> Well,

>> Well,

>> Well, our work here is done. Strike force,

our work here is done. Strike force,

our work here is done. Strike force, tell the

tell the

tell the Lord. And then you'll put like a cool

Lord. And then you'll put like a cool

Lord. And then you'll put like a cool vanishing effect in post?

vanishing effect in post?

vanishing effect in post? >> Yeah, we'll put in a video effect and

>> Yeah, we'll put in a video effect and

>> Yeah, we'll put in a video effect and you guys will disappear. Go The effect

you guys will disappear. Go The effect

you guys will disappear. Go The effect will be above you, so you just get out.

will be above you, so you just get out.

will be above you, so you just get out. Like you will be gone. You will

Like you will be gone. You will

Like you will be gone. You will definitely be gone. You will definitely

definitely be gone. You will definitely

definitely be gone. You will definitely definitely put it in.

Where did they go?

Okay, Colbert. Let's get back out there.

Okay, Colbert. Let's get back out there.

Okay, Colbert. Let's get back out there. >> [cheering]

[applause]

[applause]

[applause] >> Uh sorry about that. Uh we found out

>> Uh sorry about that. Uh we found out

>> Uh sorry about that. Uh we found out what the problem was. Uh there was a um

what the problem was. Uh there was a um

what the problem was. Uh there was a um There was a raccoon uh backstage and it

There was a raccoon uh backstage and it

There was a raccoon uh backstage and it uh it had gnawed through some electrical

uh it had gnawed through some electrical

uh it had gnawed through some electrical cables and it's an old building. What

cables and it's an old building. What

cables and it's an old building. What are you going to say?

are you going to say?

are you going to say? Uh and McCartney is gone. Can we find

Uh and McCartney is gone. Can we find

Uh and McCartney is gone. Can we find Paul McCartney? Get him back out here?

Paul McCartney? Get him back out here?

Paul McCartney? Get him back out here? Okay, in the meantime uh

Okay, in the meantime uh

Okay, in the meantime uh let's do some more jokes.

let's do some more jokes.

let's do some more jokes. Uh what have we got? Uh oh, I've got

Uh what have we got? Uh oh, I've got

Uh what have we got? Uh oh, I've got one. Uh knock knock.

We are

We are

We are SO SHOCKED.

SO SHOCKED.

SO SHOCKED. >> [screaming]

>> [screaming]

>> [screaming] >> WHAT IS HAPPENING?

YEAH, [screaming] BONGO DONGO.

>> [screaming]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] >> LOUIS, STEPHEN, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

>> LOUIS, STEPHEN, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

>> LOUIS, STEPHEN, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? YOU CAN GO TO COMMERCIAL. OH.

YOU CAN GO TO COMMERCIAL. OH.

YOU CAN GO TO COMMERCIAL. OH. [screaming]

>> [screaming]

>> [screaming]

>> [screaming] >> We'll be right back.

>> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] [cheering]

[music]

[music]

[cheering]