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Welcome, welcome one and all to the Late
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Welcome, welcome one and all to the Late
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Welcome, welcome one and all to the Late
Show. I'm your host Stephen Colbert.
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Show. I'm your host Stephen Colbert.
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Show. I'm your host Stephen Colbert.
>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
>> Folks,
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>> Folks,
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>> Folks,
settle down.
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settle down.
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settle down.
>> [applause]
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>> If you're if you're just tuning in to
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>> If you're if you're just tuning in to
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>> If you're if you're just tuning in to
the Late Show,
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the Late Show,
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the Late Show,
you missed a lot.
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you missed a lot.
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you missed a lot.
>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
>> Tonight is our final broadcast from the
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>> Tonight is our final broadcast from the
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>> Tonight is our final broadcast from the
Ed Sullivan Theater,
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Ed Sullivan Theater,
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Ed Sullivan Theater,
where
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where
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where
>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
>> No, no, we were lucky enough to be here
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>> No, no, we were lucky enough to be here
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>> No, no, we were lucky enough to be here
for the last 11 years. All right? That
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for the last 11 years. All right? That
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for the last 11 years. All right? That
was
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was
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was
>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
>> can't take this for granted.
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>> can't take this for granted.
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>> can't take this for granted.
>> [applause]
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>> [applause]
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>> [applause]
>> Though actually, technically, our first
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>> Though actually, technically, our first
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>> Though actually, technically, our first
show back in July of 2015 was from a
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show back in July of 2015 was from a
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show back in July of 2015 was from a
public access station in Monroe,
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public access station in Monroe,
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public access station in Monroe,
Michigan for an audience of 12 people.
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Michigan for an audience of 12 people.
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Michigan for an audience of 12 people.
And show business being what it is these
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And show business being what it is these
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And show business being what it is these
days, it's probably where you'll see me
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days, it's probably where you'll see me
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days, it's probably where you'll see me
next. There is
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next. There is
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next. There is
so much history here in the Ed Sullivan
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so much history here in the Ed Sullivan
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so much history here in the Ed Sullivan
Theater, and we've been honored to have
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Theater, and we've been honored to have
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Theater, and we've been honored to have
been just a small part of it. Nichols
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been just a small part of it. Nichols
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been just a small part of it. Nichols
and May played on this stage. The
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and May played on this stage. The
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and May played on this stage. The
Beatles made their American debut here.
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Beatles made their American debut here.
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Beatles made their American debut here.
And this is true. This is true.
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And this is true. This is true.
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And this is true. This is true.
Backstage, Elvis used the bathroom and
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Backstage, Elvis used the bathroom and
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Backstage, Elvis used the bathroom and
didn't die.
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didn't die.
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didn't die.
>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
>> We've We've had so much fun in this
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>> We've We've had so much fun in this
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>> We've We've had so much fun in this
theater. So many great segments. I'll
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theater. So many great segments. I'll
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theater. So many great segments. I'll
I'll miss doing first drafts, where I
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I'll miss doing first drafts, where I
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I'll miss doing first drafts, where I
show the final draft of a greeting card,
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show the final draft of a greeting card,
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show the final draft of a greeting card,
and then show the playfully wrong first
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and then show the playfully wrong first
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and then show the playfully wrong first
draft. Um so we we we made one for
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draft. Um so we we we made one for
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draft. Um so we we we made one for
tonight. Um
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tonight. Um
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tonight. Um
uh it's This one's pretty nice. This is
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uh it's This one's pretty nice. This is
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uh it's This one's pretty nice. This is
um
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um
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um
This isn't goodbye.
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This isn't goodbye.
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This isn't goodbye.
It's see you later. Yes.
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It's see you later. Yes.
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It's see you later. Yes.
But the uh first draft said,
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But the uh first draft said,
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But the uh first draft said,
"This isn't goodbye.
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"This isn't goodbye.
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"This isn't goodbye.
How do you start an OnlyFans?"
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
>> I got the tootsies.
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>> I got the tootsies.
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>> I got the tootsies.
>> [applause]
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>> [applause]
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>> [applause]
>> I got the nice tootsies.
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>> I got the nice tootsies.
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>> I got the nice tootsies.
Now, at first, when we knew this was
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Now, at first, when we knew this was
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Now, at first, when we knew this was
going to be our last night, we we're
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going to be our last night, we we're
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going to be our last night, we we're
planning on doing a huge special this
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planning on doing a huge special this
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planning on doing a huge special this
evening. But the thing is, we like to
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evening. But the thing is, we like to
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evening. But the thing is, we like to
think every episode of the Late Show is
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think every episode of the Late Show is
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think every episode of the Late Show is
kind of special. And we thought the best
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kind of special. And we thought the best
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kind of special. And we thought the best
way to celebrate what we've done over
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way to celebrate what we've done over
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way to celebrate what we've done over
the last 11 years, is just do a regular
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the last 11 years, is just do a regular
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the last 11 years, is just do a regular
episode where I come out here and talk
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episode where I come out here and talk
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episode where I come out here and talk
about the national conversation. And
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about the national conversation. And
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about the national conversation. And
undeniably today, the big story that
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undeniably today, the big story that
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undeniably today, the big story that
everyone is talking about
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everyone is talking about
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everyone is talking about
>> Excuse me. Excuse Stephen.
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>> Excuse me. Excuse Stephen.
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>> Excuse me. Excuse Stephen.
Stephen, excuse me.
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Stephen, excuse me.
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Stephen, excuse me.
Brian. [cheering]
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>> [applause]
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>> [applause]
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>> [applause]
>> Thank you. Hello.
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>> Thank you. Hello.
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>> Thank you. Hello.
>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
>> Hi.
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Brian Cranston.
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Brian Cranston.
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Brian Cranston.
>> [applause]
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>> [applause]
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>> [applause]
>> Brian Brian.
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>> Brian Brian.
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>> Brian Brian.
So, but but you said there's there's
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So, but but you said there's there's
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So, but but you said there's there's
nothing special happening tonight?
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nothing special happening tonight?
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nothing special happening tonight?
Well, I mean as as I was saying, we're
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Well, I mean as as I was saying, we're
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Well, I mean as as I was saying, we're
doing a normal episode of the Late Show,
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doing a normal episode of the Late Show,
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doing a normal episode of the Late Show,
which is always kind of special. Oh,
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which is always kind of special. Oh,
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which is always kind of special. Oh,
yeah. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. But um
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yeah. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. But um
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yeah. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. But um
not even like, I don't know,
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not even like, I don't know,
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not even like, I don't know,
a surprise celebrity cameo popping up
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a surprise celebrity cameo popping up
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a surprise celebrity cameo popping up
out of nowhere?
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out of nowhere?
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out of nowhere?
>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
>> No, Brian. Those always feel kind of
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>> No, Brian. Those always feel kind of
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>> No, Brian. Those always feel kind of
forced.
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Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, totally.
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Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, totally.
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Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, totally.
That's a a very cheap stunt, but uh
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That's a a very cheap stunt, but uh
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That's a a very cheap stunt, but uh
Hey, I'm I'm here.
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>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
>> Maybe I could be your last guest.
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>> Maybe I could be your last guest.
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>> Maybe I could be your last guest.
That would That would be great, Brian.
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That would That would be great, Brian.
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That would That would be great, Brian.
The thing is and I'm I'm right here. We
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The thing is and I'm I'm right here. We
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The thing is and I'm I'm right here. We
We already have a pretty special one
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We already have a pretty special one
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We already have a pretty special one
lined up. I'm sorry.
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lined up. I'm sorry.
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lined up. I'm sorry.
>> [laughter]
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[cheering]
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[cheering]
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[cheering]
>> What the hell am I here for?
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>> What the hell am I here for?
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>> What the hell am I here for?
>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
>> You know what? You can keep your stupid
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>> You know what? You can keep your stupid
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>> You know what? You can keep your stupid
hat.
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hat.
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hat.
I'm going to go sell MY TICKET.
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I'm going to go sell MY TICKET.
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I'm going to go sell MY TICKET.
>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
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>> [cheering]
>> BRIAN.
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>> BRIAN.
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>> BRIAN.
BRIAN.
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BRIAN.
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BRIAN.
>> [applause]
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>> [applause]
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>> [applause]
>> Brian Cranston, everybody. That's too
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>> Brian Cranston, everybody. That's too
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>> Brian Cranston, everybody. That's too
bad. I feel bad.
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bad. I feel bad.
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bad. I feel bad.
I feel terrible.
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I feel terrible.
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I feel terrible.
Um okay. Uh moving on. Big news, if
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Um okay. Uh moving on. Big news, if
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Um okay. Uh moving on. Big news, if
you're looking to fly in or out of New
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you're looking to fly in or out of New
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you're looking to fly in or out of New
York, uh cuz yesterday morning a
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York, uh cuz yesterday morning a
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York, uh cuz yesterday morning a
sinkhole shut down a runway at
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sinkhole shut down a runway at
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sinkhole shut down a runway at
LaGuardia. Reportedly, crews found the
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LaGuardia. Reportedly, crews found the
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LaGuardia. Reportedly, crews found the
sinkhole while conducting a daily
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sinkhole while conducting a daily
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sinkhole while conducting a daily
morning inspection of the airport's
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morning inspection of the airport's
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morning inspection of the airport's
airfield. And yes, that is someone's
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airfield. And yes, that is someone's
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airfield. And yes, that is someone's
actual job. What?
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actual job. What?
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actual job. What?
You thought my hole inspector shirt was
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You thought my hole inspector shirt was
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00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,070
You thought my hole inspector shirt was
a joke?
246
00:04:02,070 --> 00:04:02,080
a joke?
247
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,470
a joke?
It means what?
248
00:04:04,470 --> 00:04:04,480
It means what?
249
00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,030
It means what?
Holy mackerel, is that why women won't
250
00:04:07,030 --> 00:04:07,040
Holy mackerel, is that why women won't
251
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:09,547
Holy mackerel, is that why women won't
talk to me?
252
00:04:09,547 --> 00:04:09,557
talk to me?
253
00:04:09,557 --> 00:04:10,630
talk to me?
>> [laughter]
254
00:04:10,630 --> 00:04:10,640
>> [laughter]
255
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:13,710
>> [laughter]
>> Weirdly,
256
00:04:13,710 --> 00:04:13,720
257
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,470
weirdly, that wasn't the only gaping
258
00:04:15,470 --> 00:04:15,480
weirdly, that wasn't the only gaping
259
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,069
weirdly, that wasn't the only gaping
hole to appear in New York City
260
00:04:17,069 --> 00:04:17,079
hole to appear in New York City
261
00:04:17,079 --> 00:04:20,069
hole to appear in New York City
yesterday because, and everyone is fine,
262
00:04:20,069 --> 00:04:20,079
yesterday because, and everyone is fine,
263
00:04:20,079 --> 00:04:22,630
yesterday because, and everyone is fine,
a school bus in the Bronx partially fell
264
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:22,640
a school bus in the Bronx partially fell
265
00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:24,909
a school bus in the Bronx partially fell
into a sinkhole.
266
00:04:24,909 --> 00:04:24,919
into a sinkhole.
267
00:04:24,919 --> 00:04:27,150
into a sinkhole.
First Queens, then the Bronx. Even
268
00:04:27,150 --> 00:04:27,160
First Queens, then the Bronx. Even
269
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:28,430
First Queens, then the Bronx. Even
sinkholes don't want to go to Staten
270
00:04:28,430 --> 00:04:28,440
sinkholes don't want to go to Staten
271
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,630
sinkholes don't want to go to Staten
Island.
272
00:04:30,630 --> 00:04:30,640
Island.
273
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,909
Island.
You know what? We better get off the air
274
00:04:31,909 --> 00:04:31,919
You know what? We better get off the air
275
00:04:31,919 --> 00:04:33,990
You know what? We better get off the air
quick before a giant sinkhole swallows
276
00:04:33,990 --> 00:04:34,000
quick before a giant sinkhole swallows
277
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,070
quick before a giant sinkhole swallows
the Ed Sullivan.
278
00:04:36,070 --> 00:04:36,080
the Ed Sullivan.
279
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:38,190
the Ed Sullivan.
Oh, there's a Oh, there's an update on
280
00:04:38,190 --> 00:04:38,200
Oh, there's a Oh, there's an update on
281
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,310
Oh, there's a Oh, there's an update on
the folks who were exposed to hantavirus
282
00:04:40,310 --> 00:04:40,320
the folks who were exposed to hantavirus
283
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,150
the folks who were exposed to hantavirus
on that cruise ship a while ago. At
284
00:04:42,150 --> 00:04:42,160
on that cruise ship a while ago. At
285
00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:43,950
on that cruise ship a while ago. At
least two passengers were formally
286
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:43,960
least two passengers were formally
287
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,630
least two passengers were formally
ordered to stay in quarantine in
288
00:04:45,630 --> 00:04:45,640
ordered to stay in quarantine in
289
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,350
ordered to stay in quarantine in
Nebraska. Now, this strict quarantine, I
290
00:04:48,350 --> 00:04:48,360
Nebraska. Now, this strict quarantine, I
291
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,430
Nebraska. Now, this strict quarantine, I
think, is admirably cautious, especially
292
00:04:50,430 --> 00:04:50,440
think, is admirably cautious, especially
293
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,270
think, is admirably cautious, especially
considering the nation's hantavirus
294
00:04:52,270 --> 00:04:52,280
considering the nation's hantavirus
295
00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,990
considering the nation's hantavirus
response is now being led by Dr. Brian
296
00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:55,000
response is now being led by Dr. Brian
297
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:58,590
response is now being led by Dr. Brian
Christine, a penile implant specialist
298
00:04:58,590 --> 00:04:58,600
Christine, a penile implant specialist
299
00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,638
Christine, a penile implant specialist
and vaccine skeptic.
300
00:05:00,638 --> 00:05:00,648
and vaccine skeptic.
301
00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:00,950
and vaccine skeptic.
>> [laughter]
302
00:05:00,950 --> 00:05:00,960
>> [laughter]
303
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,310
>> [laughter]
>> Clearly, this guy is not a fan of little
304
00:05:03,310 --> 00:05:03,320
>> Clearly, this guy is not a fan of little
305
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,670
>> Clearly, this guy is not a fan of little
pricks.
306
00:05:05,670 --> 00:05:05,680
pricks.
307
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,430
pricks.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Back to
308
00:05:07,430 --> 00:05:07,440
Thank you. Thank you very much. Back to
309
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,670
Thank you. Thank you very much. Back to
the same
310
00:05:09,670 --> 00:05:09,680
the same
311
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,773
the same
Peabody, please.
312
00:05:11,773 --> 00:05:11,783
Peabody, please.
313
00:05:11,783 --> 00:05:14,470
Peabody, please.
>> [applause]
314
00:05:14,470 --> 00:05:14,480
315
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,950
>> The smart choice.
316
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:16,960
>> The smart choice.
317
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,990
>> The smart choice.
Dr. Christine is an election-denying
318
00:05:18,990 --> 00:05:19,000
Dr. Christine is an election-denying
319
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,790
Dr. Christine is an election-denying
far-right quack job who who hosted a
320
00:05:21,790 --> 00:05:21,800
far-right quack job who who hosted a
321
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:24,870
far-right quack job who who hosted a
YouTube series on erectile dysfunction
322
00:05:24,870 --> 00:05:24,880
YouTube series on erectile dysfunction
323
00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:27,950
YouTube series on erectile dysfunction
called Erection Connection.
324
00:05:27,950 --> 00:05:27,960
called Erection Connection.
325
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,030
called Erection Connection.
Also the name of a very popular category
326
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:30,040
Also the name of a very popular category
327
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,430
Also the name of a very popular category
on Craigslist. We were on the same G
328
00:05:32,430 --> 00:05:32,440
on Craigslist. We were on the same G
329
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,909
on Craigslist. We were on the same G
train Tuesday 8:30 a.m. You were in
330
00:05:34,909 --> 00:05:34,919
train Tuesday 8:30 a.m. You were in
331
00:05:34,919 --> 00:05:37,150
train Tuesday 8:30 a.m. You were in
jeans and a floral crop top. I had an
332
00:05:37,150 --> 00:05:37,160
jeans and a floral crop top. I had an
333
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:38,628
jeans and a floral crop top. I had an
erection.
334
00:05:38,628 --> 00:05:38,638
erection.
335
00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:41,790
erection.
>> [laughter]
336
00:05:41,790 --> 00:05:41,800
337
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,213
>> Oh my.
338
00:05:43,213 --> 00:05:43,223
>> Oh my.
339
00:05:43,223 --> 00:05:44,950
>> Oh my.
>> [laughter]
340
00:05:44,950 --> 00:05:44,960
>> [laughter]
341
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,310
>> [laughter]
>> Over
342
00:05:46,310 --> 00:05:46,320
>> Over
343
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,790
>> Over
Over in Italy, there's a spiciest
344
00:05:48,790 --> 00:05:48,800
Over in Italy, there's a spiciest
345
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,870
Over in Italy, there's a spiciest
scandal brewing over Rome's sexy priest
346
00:05:51,870 --> 00:05:51,880
scandal brewing over Rome's sexy priest
347
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:55,550
scandal brewing over Rome's sexy priest
calendar, the Calendario Romano, which
348
00:05:55,550 --> 00:05:55,560
calendar, the Calendario Romano, which
349
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,670
calendar, the Calendario Romano, which
features close-ups of young, handsome
350
00:05:57,670 --> 00:05:57,680
features close-ups of young, handsome
351
00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,190
features close-ups of young, handsome
men in priestly attire and has been a
352
00:06:00,190 --> 00:06:00,200
men in priestly attire and has been a
353
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,270
men in priestly attire and has been a
perennial Rome souvenir for the last two
354
00:06:02,270 --> 00:06:02,280
perennial Rome souvenir for the last two
355
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:04,270
perennial Rome souvenir for the last two
decades. It's the kind of souvenir that
356
00:06:04,270 --> 00:06:04,280
decades. It's the kind of souvenir that
357
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:07,510
decades. It's the kind of souvenir that
your mom buys as a joke and then puts up
358
00:06:07,510 --> 00:06:07,520
your mom buys as a joke and then puts up
359
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:08,870
your mom buys as a joke and then puts up
in the kitchen
360
00:06:08,870 --> 00:06:08,880
in the kitchen
361
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,110
in the kitchen
as a joke.
362
00:06:11,110 --> 00:06:11,120
as a joke.
363
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:12,710
as a joke.
Then on certain rainy mornings, you come
364
00:06:12,710 --> 00:06:12,720
Then on certain rainy mornings, you come
365
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,470
Then on certain rainy mornings, you come
downstairs to find she's just drinking
366
00:06:14,470 --> 00:06:14,480
downstairs to find she's just drinking
367
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:17,070
downstairs to find she's just drinking
her tea and staring at the calendar
368
00:06:17,070 --> 00:06:17,080
her tea and staring at the calendar
369
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:20,150
her tea and staring at the calendar
as a joke.
370
00:06:20,150 --> 00:06:20,160
371
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,909
Mom is so funny.
372
00:06:22,909 --> 00:06:22,919
Mom is so funny.
373
00:06:22,919 --> 00:06:24,550
Mom is so funny.
But yesterday, it was revealed that
374
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:24,560
But yesterday, it was revealed that
375
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,030
But yesterday, it was revealed that
Rome's sexy priest calendar cover model
376
00:06:27,030 --> 00:06:27,040
Rome's sexy priest calendar cover model
377
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:30,030
Rome's sexy priest calendar cover model
never set foot in a seminary.
378
00:06:30,030 --> 00:06:30,040
never set foot in a seminary.
379
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,390
never set foot in a seminary.
And hold on, I'm getting word that this
380
00:06:32,390 --> 00:06:32,400
And hold on, I'm getting word that this
381
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,070
And hold on, I'm getting word that this
is the worst scandal to ever hit the
382
00:06:35,070 --> 00:06:35,080
is the worst scandal to ever hit the
383
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:38,909
is the worst scandal to ever hit the
Catholic Church.
384
00:06:38,909 --> 00:06:38,919
385
00:06:38,919 --> 00:06:42,164
What? Okay, this is my deaf ear. Okay.
386
00:06:42,164 --> 00:06:42,174
What? Okay, this is my deaf ear. Okay.
387
00:06:42,174 --> 00:06:43,470
What? Okay, this is my deaf ear. Okay.
>> [laughter]
388
00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:43,480
>> [laughter]
389
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:45,430
>> [laughter]
>> But I'm not surprised. Just looking at
390
00:06:45,430 --> 00:06:45,440
>> But I'm not surprised. Just looking at
391
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,590
>> But I'm not surprised. Just looking at
them, you can tell those two men right
392
00:06:47,590 --> 00:06:47,600
them, you can tell those two men right
393
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,990
them, you can tell those two men right
there are clearly fake priests. And I
394
00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:50,000
there are clearly fake priests. And I
395
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,110
there are clearly fake priests. And I
know for a fact that pug is only a
396
00:06:52,110 --> 00:06:52,120
know for a fact that pug is only a
397
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:53,299
know for a fact that pug is only a
deacon.
398
00:06:53,299 --> 00:06:53,309
deacon.
399
00:06:53,309 --> 00:06:54,390
deacon.
>> [laughter]
400
00:06:54,390 --> 00:06:54,400
>> [laughter]
401
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,750
>> [laughter]
>> Besides, if a calendar Hey, Stephen.
402
00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:57,760
>> Besides, if a calendar Hey, Stephen.
403
00:06:57,760 --> 00:06:58,950
>> Besides, if a calendar Hey, Stephen.
What?
404
00:06:58,950 --> 00:06:58,960
What?
405
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,159
What?
Stephen. Paul Rudd.
406
00:07:01,159 --> 00:07:01,169
Stephen. Paul Rudd.
407
00:07:01,169 --> 00:07:04,434
Stephen. Paul Rudd.
>> [cheering]
408
00:07:04,434 --> 00:07:04,444
409
00:07:04,444 --> 00:07:05,710
[applause]
410
00:07:05,710 --> 00:07:05,720
[applause]
411
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,950
[applause]
>> Paul.
412
00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:08,960
413
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,310
Paul Paul, why are you interrupting me?
414
00:07:11,310 --> 00:07:11,320
Paul Paul, why are you interrupting me?
415
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:12,710
Paul Paul, why are you interrupting me?
I'm just curious when our interview
416
00:07:12,710 --> 00:07:12,720
I'm just curious when our interview
417
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:14,070
I'm just curious when our interview
starts.
418
00:07:14,070 --> 00:07:14,080
starts.
419
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:15,790
starts.
I have an extremely long poem I want to
420
00:07:15,790 --> 00:07:15,800
I have an extremely long poem I want to
421
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,030
I have an extremely long poem I want to
recite and I don't want to run out of
422
00:07:17,030 --> 00:07:17,040
recite and I don't want to run out of
423
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:18,189
recite and I don't want to run out of
time.
424
00:07:18,189 --> 00:07:18,199
time.
425
00:07:18,199 --> 00:07:19,310
time.
>> [laughter]
426
00:07:19,310 --> 00:07:19,320
>> [laughter]
427
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:22,110
>> [laughter]
>> You You wrote a poem about me?
428
00:07:22,110 --> 00:07:22,120
>> You You wrote a poem about me?
429
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,740
>> You You wrote a poem about me?
I wrote a poem.
430
00:07:24,740 --> 00:07:24,750
I wrote a poem.
431
00:07:24,750 --> 00:07:26,390
I wrote a poem.
>> [laughter]
432
00:07:26,390 --> 00:07:26,400
>> [laughter]
433
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,710
>> [laughter]
>> Okay, that's nice, but Paul, just to be
434
00:07:28,710 --> 00:07:28,720
>> Okay, that's nice, but Paul, just to be
435
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:32,390
>> Okay, that's nice, but Paul, just to be
clear, you're not my last guest. Really?
436
00:07:32,390 --> 00:07:32,400
clear, you're not my last guest. Really?
437
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:33,870
clear, you're not my last guest. Really?
Well, then I guess it's a little awkward
438
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:33,880
Well, then I guess it's a little awkward
439
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:34,990
Well, then I guess it's a little awkward
that I brought you the traditional
440
00:07:34,990 --> 00:07:35,000
that I brought you the traditional
441
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,830
that I brought you the traditional
retirement gift.
442
00:07:36,830 --> 00:07:36,840
retirement gift.
443
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,430
retirement gift.
Oh Oh my gosh, that's wonderful. Thank
444
00:07:39,430 --> 00:07:39,440
Oh Oh my gosh, that's wonderful. Thank
445
00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,630
Oh Oh my gosh, that's wonderful. Thank
you so much, Paul. Is it like uh like a
446
00:07:41,630 --> 00:07:41,640
you so much, Paul. Is it like uh like a
447
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,190
you so much, Paul. Is it like uh like a
gold watch? What?
448
00:07:44,190 --> 00:07:44,200
gold watch? What?
449
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,070
gold watch? What?
No. I was going to give you the
450
00:07:46,070 --> 00:07:46,080
No. I was going to give you the
451
00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:49,070
No. I was going to give you the
traditional six bananas.
452
00:07:49,070 --> 00:07:49,080
traditional six bananas.
453
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:50,310
traditional six bananas.
You know, what you always give people
454
00:07:50,310 --> 00:07:50,320
You know, what you always give people
455
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:51,990
You know, what you always give people
who are retiring.
456
00:07:51,990 --> 00:07:52,000
who are retiring.
457
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,190
who are retiring.
Well, I'm I'm sorry, Paul, but I I'm
458
00:07:54,190 --> 00:07:54,200
Well, I'm I'm sorry, Paul, but I I'm
459
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:55,590
Well, I'm I'm sorry, Paul, but I I'm
pretty sure that when someone's
460
00:07:55,590 --> 00:07:55,600
pretty sure that when someone's
461
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,270
pretty sure that when someone's
retiring, you give them a gold watch.
462
00:07:58,270 --> 00:07:58,280
retiring, you give them a gold watch.
463
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,350
retiring, you give them a gold watch.
Oh, great. Well, then what am I supposed
464
00:08:00,350 --> 00:08:00,360
Oh, great. Well, then what am I supposed
465
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:03,030
Oh, great. Well, then what am I supposed
to do with these five bananas?
466
00:08:03,030 --> 00:08:03,040
to do with these five bananas?
467
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,910
to do with these five bananas?
Wait, five bananas? Hold on, I I thought
468
00:08:05,910 --> 00:08:05,920
Wait, five bananas? Hold on, I I thought
469
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,625
Wait, five bananas? Hold on, I I thought
just a moment ago you said it was six.
470
00:08:08,625 --> 00:08:08,635
just a moment ago you said it was six.
471
00:08:08,635 --> 00:08:09,390
just a moment ago you said it was six.
>> [laughter]
472
00:08:09,390 --> 00:08:09,400
>> [laughter]
473
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:12,270
>> [laughter]
>> I got my proof.
474
00:08:12,270 --> 00:08:12,280
>> I got my proof.
475
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:13,865
>> I got my proof.
NOW, INTERVIEW ME.
476
00:08:13,865 --> 00:08:13,875
NOW, INTERVIEW ME.
477
00:08:13,875 --> 00:08:14,950
NOW, INTERVIEW ME.
>> [applause]
478
00:08:14,950 --> 00:08:14,960
>> [applause]
479
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:15,270
>> [applause]
>> HEY.
480
00:08:15,270 --> 00:08:15,280
>> HEY.
481
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,795
>> HEY.
>> HEY, UH LISTEN, Paul Rudd.
482
00:08:17,795 --> 00:08:17,805
>> HEY, UH LISTEN, Paul Rudd.
483
00:08:17,805 --> 00:08:19,950
>> HEY, UH LISTEN, Paul Rudd.
>> [cheering]
484
00:08:19,950 --> 00:08:19,960
485
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,070
>> Yeah.
486
00:08:22,070 --> 00:08:22,080
>> Yeah.
487
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,670
>> Yeah.
Thank you. Yeah, it's
488
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:23,680
Thank you. Yeah, it's
489
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,030
Thank you. Yeah, it's
it's me, Tim Meadows. Okay, listen.
490
00:08:26,030 --> 00:08:26,040
it's me, Tim Meadows. Okay, listen.
491
00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:28,430
it's me, Tim Meadows. Okay, listen.
Steven's a great guy. If he says you're
492
00:08:28,430 --> 00:08:28,440
Steven's a great guy. If he says you're
493
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,270
Steven's a great guy. If he says you're
not his last guest, you just got to
494
00:08:30,270 --> 00:08:30,280
not his last guest, you just got to
495
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:32,630
not his last guest, you just got to
accept it. Hey, my old friend Tim
496
00:08:32,630 --> 00:08:32,640
accept it. Hey, my old friend Tim
497
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,480
accept it. Hey, my old friend Tim
Meadows. Timmy, what what WHAT ARE YOU
498
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:35,490
Meadows. Timmy, what what WHAT ARE YOU
499
00:08:35,490 --> 00:08:36,790
Meadows. Timmy, what what WHAT ARE YOU
>> [cheering]
500
00:08:36,790 --> 00:08:36,800
>> [cheering]
501
00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:36,950
>> [cheering]
[applause]
502
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:36,960
[applause]
503
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,709
[applause]
>> IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, AS ALWAYS. What
504
00:08:38,709 --> 00:08:38,719
>> IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, AS ALWAYS. What
505
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:40,469
>> IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, AS ALWAYS. What
what are you doing here, buddy? Um I was
506
00:08:40,469 --> 00:08:40,479
what are you doing here, buddy? Um I was
507
00:08:40,479 --> 00:08:42,670
what are you doing here, buddy? Um I was
just explaining to Paul Rudd that you
508
00:08:42,670 --> 00:08:42,680
just explaining to Paul Rudd that you
509
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:44,150
just explaining to Paul Rudd that you
know, for your last guest, you wanted
510
00:08:44,150 --> 00:08:44,160
know, for your last guest, you wanted
511
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:46,150
know, for your last guest, you wanted
someone you go back with, so we could
512
00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:46,160
someone you go back with, so we could
513
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:48,270
someone you go back with, so we could
talk about the good old days when you
514
00:08:48,270 --> 00:08:48,280
talk about the good old days when you
515
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:50,670
talk about the good old days when you
and I were doing Second City together.
516
00:08:50,670 --> 00:08:50,680
and I were doing Second City together.
517
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:54,070
and I were doing Second City together.
>> It's not It's not you, either, TIM.
518
00:08:54,070 --> 00:08:54,080
>> It's not It's not you, either, TIM.
519
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:57,070
>> It's not It's not you, either, TIM.
SCREW YOU, COLBERT.
520
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:57,080
SCREW YOU, COLBERT.
521
00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:00,070
SCREW YOU, COLBERT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVE.
522
00:09:00,070 --> 00:09:00,080
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVE.
523
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,336
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVE.
GIVE ME THOSE BANANAS.
524
00:09:02,336 --> 00:09:02,346
GIVE ME THOSE BANANAS.
525
00:09:02,346 --> 00:09:03,646
GIVE ME THOSE BANANAS.
>> [applause]
526
00:09:03,646 --> 00:09:03,656
>> [applause]
527
00:09:03,656 --> 00:09:04,710
>> [applause]
[cheering]
528
00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:04,720
[cheering]
529
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,590
[cheering]
>> THANKS, BUDDY.
530
00:09:06,590 --> 00:09:06,600
>> THANKS, BUDDY.
531
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:08,231
>> THANKS, BUDDY.
LOVE YOU.
532
00:09:08,231 --> 00:09:08,241
LOVE YOU.
533
00:09:08,241 --> 00:09:12,710
LOVE YOU.
>> [applause]
534
00:09:12,710 --> 00:09:12,720
535
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,070
>> I'll tell you one thing. I'll tell you
536
00:09:14,070 --> 00:09:14,080
>> I'll tell you one thing. I'll tell you
537
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:15,670
>> I'll tell you one thing. I'll tell you
one thing. It's nice nice fellows. I'll
538
00:09:15,670 --> 00:09:15,680
one thing. It's nice nice fellows. I'll
539
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,790
one thing. It's nice nice fellows. I'll
tell you one thing. This show ending
540
00:09:17,790 --> 00:09:17,800
tell you one thing. This show ending
541
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,670
tell you one thing. This show ending
does have one upside. I won't have to
542
00:09:19,670 --> 00:09:19,680
does have one upside. I won't have to
543
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:21,470
does have one upside. I won't have to
talk about the inevitable rise of the
544
00:09:21,470 --> 00:09:21,480
talk about the inevitable rise of the
545
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,670
talk about the inevitable rise of the
machine overlords.
546
00:09:23,670 --> 00:09:23,680
machine overlords.
547
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:25,070
machine overlords.
You know, though I have recently been
548
00:09:25,070 --> 00:09:25,080
You know, though I have recently been
549
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,670
You know, though I have recently been
given some hope for mankind in the form
550
00:09:27,670 --> 00:09:27,680
given some hope for mankind in the form
551
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:32,466
given some hope for mankind in the form
of this new dancing robot from China.
552
00:09:32,466 --> 00:09:32,476
553
00:09:32,476 --> 00:09:38,361
>> [music]
554
00:09:38,361 --> 00:09:38,371
555
00:09:38,371 --> 00:09:42,946
[music]
556
00:09:42,946 --> 00:09:42,956
557
00:09:42,956 --> 00:09:48,186
[music]
558
00:09:48,186 --> 00:09:48,196
559
00:09:48,196 --> 00:09:52,771
[music]
560
00:09:52,771 --> 00:09:52,781
561
00:09:52,781 --> 00:09:54,870
[music]
562
00:09:54,870 --> 00:09:54,880
563
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,630
>> Man,
564
00:09:57,630 --> 00:09:57,640
565
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,230
that new Michael Jackson movie looks
566
00:09:59,230 --> 00:09:59,240
that new Michael Jackson movie looks
567
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:03,230
that new Michael Jackson movie looks
good.
568
00:10:03,230 --> 00:10:03,240
569
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,670
Now, a lot of people have been asking me
570
00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:04,680
Now, a lot of people have been asking me
571
00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:07,350
Now, a lot of people have been asking me
what I plan to do after tonight, and the
572
00:10:07,350 --> 00:10:07,360
what I plan to do after tonight, and the
573
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,801
what I plan to do after tonight, and the
answer is drugs. But,
574
00:10:09,801 --> 00:10:09,811
answer is drugs. But,
575
00:10:09,811 --> 00:10:10,590
answer is drugs. But,
>> [applause and cheering]
576
00:10:10,590 --> 00:10:10,600
>> [applause and cheering]
577
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,190
>> [applause and cheering]
>> here's the thing. I just found this out.
578
00:10:12,190 --> 00:10:12,200
>> here's the thing. I just found this out.
579
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,910
>> here's the thing. I just found this out.
This just came out, right? The National
580
00:10:13,910 --> 00:10:13,920
This just came out, right? The National
581
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,270
This just came out, right? The National
Marine Mammal Foundation in my beloved
582
00:10:16,270 --> 00:10:16,280
Marine Mammal Foundation in my beloved
583
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,910
Marine Mammal Foundation in my beloved
home state of South Carolina has a
584
00:10:17,910 --> 00:10:17,920
home state of South Carolina has a
585
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:21,550
home state of South Carolina has a
slightly different idea. Thank you.
586
00:10:21,550 --> 00:10:21,560
slightly different idea. Thank you.
587
00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:22,990
slightly different idea. Thank you.
Because down there, they put up this
588
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:23,000
Because down there, they put up this
589
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,470
Because down there, they put up this
billboard saying, "Wanted: Former Late
590
00:10:25,470 --> 00:10:25,480
billboard saying, "Wanted: Former Late
591
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,430
billboard saying, "Wanted: Former Late
Show host burdened by whale-related
592
00:10:28,430 --> 00:10:28,440
Show host burdened by whale-related
593
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,430
Show host burdened by whale-related
childhood ambition."
594
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:30,440
childhood ambition."
595
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,670
childhood ambition."
It's actually one of a series of
596
00:10:32,670 --> 00:10:32,680
It's actually one of a series of
597
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:35,030
It's actually one of a series of
billboards targeted at me from the
598
00:10:35,030 --> 00:10:35,040
billboards targeted at me from the
599
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:36,950
billboards targeted at me from the
Marine Mammal Foundation. And I got to
600
00:10:36,950 --> 00:10:36,960
Marine Mammal Foundation. And I got to
601
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:38,470
Marine Mammal Foundation. And I got to
say, it is really flattering to be
602
00:10:38,470 --> 00:10:38,480
say, it is really flattering to be
603
00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:40,230
say, it is really flattering to be
considered. You know, and it's one of
604
00:10:40,230 --> 00:10:40,240
considered. You know, and it's one of
605
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:41,910
considered. You know, and it's one of
the only billboards in South Carolina
606
00:10:41,910 --> 00:10:41,920
the only billboards in South Carolina
607
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:44,270
the only billboards in South Carolina
that doesn't say, "Repent now. Bible is
608
00:10:44,270 --> 00:10:44,280
that doesn't say, "Repent now. Bible is
609
00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:47,190
that doesn't say, "Repent now. Bible is
real. Dial 1-800-Hell-For-You.
610
00:10:47,190 --> 00:10:47,200
real. Dial 1-800-Hell-For-You.
611
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:50,750
real. Dial 1-800-Hell-For-You.
Cracker Barrel in two exits."
612
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:50,760
Cracker Barrel in two exits."
613
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:51,990
Cracker Barrel in two exits."
And here's the thing. I don't know how
614
00:10:51,990 --> 00:10:52,000
And here's the thing. I don't know how
615
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,670
And here's the thing. I don't know how
they knew this, but it is true that as a
616
00:10:54,670 --> 00:10:54,680
they knew this, but it is true that as a
617
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,670
they knew this, but it is true that as a
little boy, I grew up wanting to be
618
00:10:56,670 --> 00:10:56,680
little boy, I grew up wanting to be
619
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,750
little boy, I grew up wanting to be
Jacques Cousteau. So, I really
620
00:10:58,750 --> 00:10:58,760
Jacques Cousteau. So, I really
621
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:00,590
Jacques Cousteau. So, I really
appreciate the letter that they sent to
622
00:11:00,590 --> 00:11:00,600
appreciate the letter that they sent to
623
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:02,550
appreciate the letter that they sent to
me and they put up on their website
624
00:11:02,550 --> 00:11:02,560
me and they put up on their website
625
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:04,829
me and they put up on their website
saying, "The work is essential. The
626
00:11:04,829 --> 00:11:04,839
saying, "The work is essential. The
627
00:11:04,839 --> 00:11:07,150
saying, "The work is essential. The
mission matters deeply, and the dolphins
628
00:11:07,150 --> 00:11:07,160
mission matters deeply, and the dolphins
629
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,230
mission matters deeply, and the dolphins
are cautiously optimistic about your
630
00:11:09,230 --> 00:11:09,240
are cautiously optimistic about your
631
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:10,870
are cautiously optimistic about your
availability."
632
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:10,880
availability."
633
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:12,030
availability."
What?
634
00:11:12,030 --> 00:11:12,040
What?
635
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:15,430
What?
The dolphins know I got canceled?
636
00:11:15,430 --> 00:11:15,440
The dolphins know I got canceled?
637
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:20,550
The dolphins know I got canceled?
Wait, IS THAT TRUE, DOLPHINS?
638
00:11:20,550 --> 00:11:20,560
639
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:24,510
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
640
00:11:24,510 --> 00:11:24,520
641
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:26,910
It's going to be fun.
642
00:11:26,910 --> 00:11:26,920
It's going to be fun.
643
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,402
It's going to be fun.
Stick around.
644
00:11:28,402 --> 00:11:28,412
Stick around.
645
00:11:28,412 --> 00:11:39,538
Stick around.
>> [music]
646
00:11:39,538 --> 00:11:39,548
647
00:11:39,548 --> 00:11:44,778
[music]
648
00:11:44,778 --> 00:11:44,788
649
00:11:44,788 --> 00:11:50,870
[music]
650
00:11:50,870 --> 00:11:50,880
651
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:52,638
>> Woo!
652
00:11:52,638 --> 00:11:52,648
>> Woo!
653
00:11:52,648 --> 00:11:54,668
>> Woo!
>> [cheering and applause]
50837
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