Original subtitles

(Crave theme music)

CRAVE ORIGINAL SERIES

(birds chirping)

You think Nico dumped me 'cause of my vulva?

- Not this again. - I'm being serious.

Pornstars all have tidy pussies, and mine's really unkempt.

So yeah, it's fucking with my head.

Yours might be kinda untidy,

but the doctors keep telling you you don't qualify for vaginoplasty.

- Right. - Embrace your uniqueness.

- And let her see daylight too. - I'm sure you're right.

I'm sure his dick wasn't all that either. -So?

- That cigarette? - Sorry. We got sidetracked.

- Hold on. - Here, take the whole thing.

Gotta quit anyway.

(upbeat theme music)

"2011 Wine Industry Person of the Year"!

Look! She even played pro basketball! -MBA is a master's degree.

Sorry, I was on the phone

with my buddy LeBron James.

We got up to all kinds of mischief together. Have a seat.

Great news,

my team found an amazing vineyard that's even cheaper

- than the one you visited. - Way to go, new mentor!

- I love you. - The owner

is a big fan of yours.

That's great for us!

Yes!

- There's a slight hitch. - Yeah, a hitch!

Wait, a hitch?

Actually, a couple of hitches. It's on ÃOle d'Orléans.

- Nice spot! - Sure. What else?

The owner is dying.

Yeah...

- And wants to meet you today. - OK! Let's do it.

I can't. Martin and I are having a spa day.

Your varicose veins can wait. -I've postponed five times already

- and now he keep reminding me. - How about we go right now?

You really should. -We're meeting Stéphane in 30 minutes.

First we meet with him, then you go to your stuffy spa with Martin

while NadÃ.ge and I meet with the half-dead old lady who loves us.

- Great idea. - Thanks, NadÃ.ge!

- Alright. See you soon. - Yeah, see you...

(crashing)

C'mon!

She broke a thing.

(quirky upbeat music)

I... Sorry.

Aw... Don't worry about it. I've got four more.

♪

I wanna schedule you some media interviews to promote your new show,

since the rumour is spreading online

that you two got back together. So, we better it announce it pronto.

No. We didn't get back together

to do another show, but...

we're officially -and this time it's true- getting into the wine business!

Yep!

We've been approached by a filthy rich babe who knows all about wine,

NadÃ.ge Smith. -I'm sure you heard of her, she's great!

She gets shit done! Marie-Lyne is about to go and see a vineyard.

I even dressed up.

(mumbling)

(finger snapping)

What the hell?

(cheeky music)

Girls,

that wine project of yours

- is a terrible idea. - On the contrary,

- it's a great idea. - Yeah, it's like

- the opposite of terrible. - Wanna hear a terrible idea?

Letting a shitfaced Marie-Lyne do your makeup.

Sure you can do it?

Terrible idea.

Wanna hear another?

A man your age wearing a thumb ring.

So, is that N-N-NadÃ.ge your new manager or is it still me?

If you keep stuttering like that, she might just get her shot.

She's got an MBA. I'm sure she can handle two Quebec sex symbols.

- Do you mean us? - Look at you, girl.

Look who's talking. Well, we're off.

Are you bringing your own flip-flops?

No need, you're bringing three pairs.

Well, I packed some for the pool, for outside, and...

comfy indoor ones.

- We'll only be gone 24 hours. - Right, I need to pack slippers.

That businesslady Marie-Lyne's toxic ex referred us to

- already scheduled us a visit-- - Hey, babe,

could we not talk about ML for 24 hours?

Sorry for talking about something I'm excited about.

What excites me is spending the day together at the spa.

Hm-hm.

By the way,

should we micro-dose shrooms or take some molly?

No, no. I...

- I'll stick to CBD oil. - Really?

Marie-Lyne's molly I pretty dope, I hear.

Right, can't mention ML.

(upbeat music)

- My God! - Gorgeous, eh?

Best three-hour drive ever!

(laughing)

She'll be so pleased to see you.

That's Marc, 43, nice guy.

MARC THE DYING WOMAN'S ADOPTED SON

He's looking after his dying mother.

He's so nice it'd be a shame to mock him...

though that might be easier said than done.

Fhe wants her baby to be in good hands, and loves you fery much.

My mother was quite a formidable woman.

Ftrong, felf-reliant.

Fhe plowed fhrough life without anyone's helf.

After your call, Mom put you girfs at the top of fer list of buyers.

Indeed.

Two ftrong, bold women like yourfelves is efactly

what fhe was hoping for. -That was so beautiful and moving.

But as I told Ms. Smith yefterday,

Mom is tired of fuffering.

- Sure. - Fhe's ready to go.

Going through all this

takes so much strength.

Period cramps are enough to make me scream for amputation.

Hm.

I found a notary who could take care of the paperwork

today.

- Today? - Right now.

Mom's doftor is coming by at the end of fhe day to...

ease her fuffering.

I see.

But don't worry,

fhe's at peafe with her decision. -I wish we had more time.

We're already here.

- No preffure but-- - Can't you just...

do it tomorrow? Couldn't Gladys hold on for another 24 hours?

Liften, fhis isn't a yoga claff

but medical affifance in dying. You can't just refchedule that.

I met with you today because my mofher's a big fan,

but all I want is to ease her fuffering.

So, no, we can't 'hold on' for another 24 hours!

♪

So, yeah, um,

as you can see, it's a rather delicate situation

but also a great opportunity.

- I know. - I mean, it's a great deal,

and if you don't jump on it, to be honest, I will.

Don't. We'll take it! Look, lemme just call Eve

and we'll take it.

(calm spa music)

No Wi-Fi connection.

So you can reconnect with yourself.

- We got a reservation for--- - Eve CÃ'té!

- This is so exciting! - Hi.

Oh my!

Don't tell me Marie-Lyne is also comin-- -She's not.

- She's not? - No Marie-Lyne today.

Well, too bad.

We're here to relax, and fly under the radar.

You understand? -Don't worry. We're very discreet

and professional.

Oh boy.

OK, so... Eve... CÃ'té.

It's funny 'cause I read about your boyfriend in Gossip Magazine

and... I'm thrilled to see that he does exist and he's--

Sorry, can we get our robes and those swirly wrist key chains?

Swirly!

Do you know which spa she's at?

Easy peasy. I'll find out.

I can start filling out the paperwork if you want me to.

- Yeah. - So, it's a go?

Sure, it is. Go.

OK, great. Now bring Eve over here.

Sure. I'll find Eve, grab her and bring her here.

- Another appetizer? - No, that's the main course.

Like Dad said the only time he went to the Ritz,

"I got the main, now where's the course?"

I've a suitcase full of chips, chocolate, and jerky in the room.

So, we're only pretending to be fancy before pigging out on junk food?

Yup.

Guess today can be my cheat day since it's a special occasion...

- Another big gesture. - I love you.

What the hell is this?

That's... fennel.

No, it's veal.

While you sort that out, I need to make a pit stop. I can feel diarrhea bubbling up.

Try to get 'em to add some bubbly to these green juice. I need the strength.

(kiss)

On it.

(flushing)

(Mendelssohn's Wedding March )

Jesus Christ!

(door closing)

That 'meal' cost $250!

$125's already down the pipe.

Nope, straight up for me.

Don't forget to put the key back. -Sure.

Are you sure it's OK to break in?

When it's your buddy, and you're getting her

the deal of a lifetime, it is. Go to the kitch--

Jesus fucking Christ! There's a kid here!

No, it's just her Shy Kid doll.

You asshole.

(laughter)

A Shy Kid doll!-Her name's Stéphanie Couillard.

Hi, Stéphanie.

I'm gonna love you.

Those should be illegal.

OK,

go to the kitchen.

What am I looking for?

I dunno... a clue, Columbo!

Go on, look around... -I need something to calm my nerves.

C'mon, there's no time for that, Ravi! -I need to calm my nerves!

Wait, there's a calendar on the fridge!

Show me the 18th!

Hm...

OK, yeah.

Hold on. "Hotel Spa Yourself", yeah!

You got it?

- Wow! - Alright!

- Thanks! - Yeah!

Can I keep the bottle? C'mon...

- Sure, why not. - Cool, thanks.

- K, bye! - Bye!

(Mendelssohn's Wedding March starts)

(It immediately stops.)

(crunching)

We could go outside. I spotted some trails out back.

And tons of wasps.

How about the spa?

And be exhausted before our massages?

Exhausted from the spa?

Too relaxing. I like it in here. I got chips, you,

that's all I need.

Anyway, we got our massages in hour our. I'll take that CBD now.

Good idea.

Cheers.

(belching)

Ew.

Smells like weed.

- ML? - Yes?

Marie-Lyne,

have you found Eve yet? -Her spa is just 45 minutes from here.

I'm going to get here now.

Hurry! -Yeah, before she kicks the buck--

I mean, before she passes, I know. -No.

What? -I mean, before Marc changes his mind.

He doesn't realize how ridiculously low his asking price is.

Just between us,

he's vulnerable, his mother's dying...

I'll break all speeding records.

(giggling)

OK, now fly!

(upbeat music)

Sorry, sorry! I need to...

I don't believe it!

The other half!

Guess I'm at the right place. Could I see my other half?

Unfortunately I am not authorized to disclose the names of our clients.

You just did.

- Yeah... - I really need to talk to her.

When I did it with Annie Brocoli, I was almost fired.

It's a matter of life or wine.

Thank you.

Unfortunately, Eve CÃ'té is having a massage at the moment.

Could you go get her?

Don't think I'm allowed to.

What if I... What's your name?

- Justine. - What if I were

to invite you to a private dinner with Eve CÃ'té on the night of your choosing?

My God, yes! Will you also be there?

I can't that night.

- But we didn't set a date-- - Just get her. Thank you.

(relaxing music)

(door opening)

- Eve? - What are you doing here?

I'll explain later.

Come with me, it's an emergency.

Turn around while I get dressed. -It's not like I haven't seen

them things before.

How did you know I was here?

Listen, I'll spare you the details, so let's just say it included BE and Ravi.

But I saw your sexless shared calendar.

We still do it.

Right. Only on rainy Sunday afternoons, after showering,

under the blan-- -Did you come here just to roast me?

Gladys's minutes are numbered. We need to sign the deed, like, now.

- Now-now? - Yeah, now-now.

Your partner's fast asleep. Instead of wasting a massage on him,

I just made sure he was still breathing.

Wiping out on CBD? What a lightweight.

- You're dating a 75-lbs granny. - You're pushing it.

We'll be back by the time he wakes up.

C'mon, peeping tom!

(instrumental folk music)

Man oh man oh man!

Wow!

- Right. - It's gorgeous!

Try not to leave stains all over the place with your oily skin.

You could have let me change. -Don't be a princess. We're in a hurry.

I never thought I'd have an oily butt crack for this.

As long as you can hold a pen and sign, we should be fine.

Aren't we being impulsive? -NadÃ.ge said it's the deal of a lifetime.

We can't miss out on that. Just picture us

among the vines, in flowing skirts, with David C-ass-idy on a leash.

You got me at "flowing skirts". -Eve,

shit, I forgot.

Gladys's son has one hell of a lisp.

No... -I had to bite my tongue not to laugh.

So, be strong. -Now it's too late for me to pre-laugh!

- Sorry. - My tongue's already sore!

Hi.

Gladys.

My butt crack itches.

Nice to meet you. Sorry for the way I look.

Gladys Marcotte, 75. She's known as agreat entrepreneur on ÃOle d'Orléans.

GLADYS "DYING WOMAN"

She opened her own vineyard in the 1970s.

She adopted her beloved son Marc, and gave him everything

except speech therapy sessions.

And she's a fan of ours. Not bad, eh?

Told you fhe'd come.

Fanks for furrying up. If was...

fery nice of you.

(laughing loudly)

Sorry.

(cry-laughing)

She can be very emotional.

Get a fucking grip.

(clearing throat)

Sorry, I think my massage

opened up my third eye. -It's all that heart chakra stuff.

Yef, to let in the light.

If's very underftandable.

Yes, so, um...

I went over the paperwork with Marc

and um,

all we need is your signature.

I really wanted to sell

to someone who's really passionate, and motivated,

someone who had the drive and vision.

I used to be like you, at your age, and now I found two for the price of one.

Yep.

Two women I respect, admire even.

This is the greatest gift ever.

- Yes... - Now I'm ready to...

leave. I'm really at peace.

(cry-laughing)

C'mon...

This isn't funny.

I'm really crying this time.

I swear, we will do you proud.

Ready, Mom? -Hold on! I don't wanna see the injection!

To sign!

- Phew! I'm not good with death. - Just sign and shut up.

Yeah.

- So, we're really doing this? - We so are.

Yep, we are.

We're doing this.

- Yep, on the bed. - It's a bit hard.

Done.

(signing)

Done.

Fhe fineyard's offifially yours, girfs.

Congratulations.

(cry-laughing)

Sorry. She's very emotive.

- 'Emotional'. - Sorry, emotional.

- Sorry. - You'll do great things here.

Enjoy it.

This vineyard is a little slice of paradise.

Thank you. See you 'up there'.

ongratulations, girls. Only a few more details to--

No, I'm good... I'll take care of it.

(screaming)

- Jesus! She's not dead yet. - Sorry.

I need to get back and get that third eye sewn shut.

I'm all over the place!

Let's go over the details tomorrow.

Great, thanks! Now bring me back to the spa.

- It's Stéphane. - We gotta hustle.

- Hold on. - Can I get a lift?

Sure, but I warn you, I like to celebrate my successes

by taking the top off and cranking up the Vengaboys.

Sounds good to me.

Bye, co-owner!

Bye! And you're having dinner with the receptionist next week, bye!

What?

Meh. Alright!

(upbeat Europop)

(inaudible)

- Hello? - ML?

It's Stéphane, your manager. How's it going?

Thank you for clarifying that,

given we've only been working together for 12 years.

(engine revving)

(whooing)

ML,

we need to talk.

It's about Mario.

- He's dead? - No. But...

your show

is dead. He pulled the plug.

There won't be a third season.

Hello?

- Hello? - I'm still here.

I'm sorry, ML. We'll find you another project.

It's OK. Anyway, I just bought a vineyard, so...

fuck the talk show and long live wine!

Glad you're taking it well.

Did she just hang up?

(birds chirping)

Eve! Where were you? I've been looking everywhere! I was so worried!

I went for a walk to wake up. That massage knocked me out!

Won't that set off the sprinklers? -If I start a fire, I'll just use the ice

from the bucket. -That massage sure lifted your mood.

It did, yet...

I kinda feel... weak.

- Oh boy. - Eve...

You're the most beautiful,

funny, interesting girl I ever met.

I finally found my perfect match. With you, I feel complete.

I didn't come here to find myself but...

us.

Isn't that from a song?

Eve,

will you marry me?

Are you still high on CBD? Maybe you should sober up first.

All I know is that I want to spend the rest of my life by your side.

Side by side, like your surname, CÃ'té, implies.

Aw... well...

Yes! Yes, I will!

(romantic French music)

I love you!

I know.

(The music swells.)

This party's a bore! Where's my Ravi and his laughter-inducing weed?

Not now, Mom. Gladys's funeral is today.

But it's your housewarming!

(French music)