Original subtitles

CRAVE ORIGINAL SERIES

People will start asking questions. -Like what?

"When's your next show?" "What was the fight about?"

"Is Marie-Lyne's temper really that bad?"

We just have to tell them

we're businesswomen now and about to buy a vineyard.

And our wine's gotta be even better than our show!

Are you the buyers?

Um, what were you saying, Estefan?

- Esteban. - Sure.

Yep.

The five-acre field stretches all the way to the woods. The north face...

Smell that fresh air!

- It's gorgeous. - We have to buy this vineyard.

We'll be rich, girl! We'll be able to buy lots of friends for David C-ass-idy.

How 'bout David H-ass-elhoff, instead? -No, Mama C-ass!

- M-ass-ive Attack? - L-ass-ie?

O-ass-is!

- Gen-ass-is! - The Cl-ass!

- Too far fetched! - Double score!

Have you...

- ever worked on a farm? - Nice vibe. I see myself here.

- Same. - You know that vineyards

require a lot of hard work, right?

How much?

Four million?!

For a vineyard? That's insane.

That sure ain't cheap. How about we just buy a huge wine cellar?

Are you dating a menopausal woman, Eve?

The Eve I knew would never have displayed

potpourri on her table! With a dried starfish too!

It's a souvenir from Ogunquit.

Relationships take compromise. Guess you can't relate.

Hey! Hold on! I'm meeting my date later.

He's in finance.

- You two are official? - Well...

- I think we're headed that way. - You always say that.

He's very independent and needs a lot of space, so...

I don't wanna rush him. So, anything to drink in there?

You'll find a third of a bottle in the door.

Eve Côté not polishing off a bottle? Do you have self-respect now?

Yeah, it sounded awful. Clear that.

We gotta find four million bucks.

We need to be clear-headed.

That's when he said "four million".

C'mere, look, half my hair fell out.

Your hair's fine. There's still more than enough to grab.

That's Nicolas Lacombe, 35,the shitstain that's been leaching off

Marie-Lyne's energy for two - years. - A hot but toxic fuck boy.

And to Joncas, his breadcrumming is a sign of love

and is convinced it's leading somewhere.

Sorry, I'm really not in the mood. I keep thinking of the vineyard.

I get that.

It really dampened our mood. So we thought we'd--

OK...

I feel like you're not listening.

Sorry. I just want you so much.

I get that.

I'm not going anywhere. -I am. My buddies and I got pickleball.

Speaking of which. Weren't you gonna introduce me to your friends?

Yeah... but not tonight. Soon.

Soon?

- Did you say, 'soon'? - I did.

I love hearing that.

A four-million-dollar vineyard?

Why not go for a 15-million-dollar one?

It's been our dream for 10 years. -Your project,

no offence,

sounds like a stupid drunken plan.

I see you've been drinking.

I'll have you know we thought of it two days ago.

Were you also drunk?

Not the point. I got my best friend back

and now we wanna do something together.

So it's not just France?

What about our shared baby dream?

Imagine doing the harvest with a huge belly!

- The harvest? - Eh boy!

So you haven't done any research.

Look...

I don't wanna stand in the way of your dreams but...

I don't want you to forget ours.

I won't. Or that I took science in high school

and that Marie-Lyne has a great sense of direction.

we'll find a solution. I know my project sounds ridiculous

but I need to know if it's doable.

Eve, I rarely get angry but...

No more projects that exclude me.

Are we building something together or not?

I feel left out, disregarded,

and now I'm about to ugly-cry!

No, no...

- Here come the waterworks. - OK. No. Breathe.

I'll tell Marie-Lyne this isn't the right time.

No.

You can always come back after pickleball.

Can't. I'm having a drink with my masseuse.

- Whatcha doing here? - I'll come back.

I was just leaving.

Come in.

Maybe you'd like to change first?

Are you getting turned on by my old knees?

- 'Course not! - Come in.

I'm telling you, my knees have aged.

And it happened overnight!

I went to bed with Taylor Switft's knees

only to wake up

with fat kneecaps!

We get old so fast!

C'mon. They're beautiful.

Thanks. What's with the wooden neck brace?

This?

It's a present.

To celebrate your vineyard project

- What is it? - A wine rack.

I made it!

It can hold one bottle.

But... like a super important bottle.

Like...

the one we'll drink at your housewarming.

That's so nice! Thank you.

You're very talented.

And, like I always say, you're resourceful and very creative

but you need to channel it into something that'll make you money.

I can see you at the top.

Thanks. That's nice of you to say.

I'm grilling steak to mask the after-sex aroma.

- Hungry? - Always.

Already in bed? Are you sick? It's still light out.

My Keto diet's really hitting me hard. Plus I gotta get up early so...

Where's my kiss?

Is that all you have to say to your horny girlfriend who just trimmed her bush?

Tonight? Yep.

I'm in ketosis. I feel weak and my head's pounding.

So, I daydrink and you get the headache?

- Please turn the light off. - It's already off.

Take that frozen shit off your eyes, you'll see.

So, what's the next step?

Becoming a real couple. But we're taking it slow

'cause he's got pickleball and he's remodelling his kitchen...

It's all very demanding. I'm giving him space.

Nope.

The vineyard.

We need to make an offer.

But first, we need four mil.

It won't be easy but

if Eve and I were able to make up, then anything is possible.

Sure! Cheers!

Cheers, bud!

To your success and to the free wine I'll be mooching off you!

So, you don't think we're being stupid?

What? Not at all!

This is the right time to make that old dream come true!

No, no, you're rich and famous, don't have kids and you're nearing 40.

That started well but ended up hurting.

Last one for the road! I need to shower and go to bed.

Gotta meet Eve in the morning.

- Sleeping over? - Sure, why not?

Great.

Couch's yours, as always.

Great. Right where you 69 your dates.

Yes sir!

Sorry, Eve! Sorry!

I was with Nico.

He slept over? -No he asked me to come by his office.

So?

I went but he came.

- No surprise. - Hey, girl!

Gimme that. Yeah, the whole thing.

- OK, sorry, I'm listening. - Well...

Yes?

About the vineyard...

I have to say...

that I thought of a way...

to spruce up the reception hall! -You're an architect now?

Mart's a lark. Gotta occupy my evenings.

Let's go. Amaze me.

So, dance floor. There's no dance floor!

We need one for the wedding receptions.

For years, I've been trying to get you two to talk and do another fucking show

and when you do, you decide to buy a fucking four-million-dollar vineyard?

It's our dream.

- Do I smell something burning? - I smell it too.

Mom's been baking cookies.

Your mom? -Your 'roommate' who does your washing.

Does she know you're wearing her drain stopper?

I'm looking after her. -Who's paying the mortgage, Stéphane?

That's not the point! The point is, that's a stupid project.

I know how much you make and you simply can't afford it!

We didn't come here to get disheartened but to find out if it's doable.

- The short of it? - Yep.

It's not. But you probably could, after doing a second tour together.

Guess we don't have a choice.

We have to face the facts.

Gotta talk the seller into lowering his price!

- C'mon. - Time to negotiate!

Hard.

Unlike your pecs.

Let's get dolled up and charm him!

But...

We saw some rotting trees over there.

How about 500K? Do we have a deal?

Those ones?

They're not on our property but on the neighbour's.

So, it's a rotten neighbour? How about one million?

Having planet destroyers as neighbours isn't ideal.

Listen, four million is as low as we can go.

I'm sure we can find a way to go lower. You don't know how low Eve and I can go.

We're very serious. We even have plans.

- Yeah! - The patio needs to be redone.

There's too much wasted space in the reception hall. Shoot!

Stupid wind!

- Hold on, we'll show you! - It's so windy here!

So windy! How about 200K? Do we have a deal?

Let me talk to him. -OK but don't try to pay in kind.

Not at first. But if there's chemistry...

- Go for it! - Yeah.

Let your heart do the talking.

Don't hesitate to call if there's anything.

It was a pleasure. Thank you.

Yes, OK. Bye.

My dear Esteban...

Yes, we understand that we lack experience, cash flow,

resources, and frankly, any self-worth.

But you'll never find more motivated buyers.

Never. -We might be newbies, but we got heart.

If I were to sell my baby to anyone,

it'd be to someone who's got heart

and nice tits.

Listen, I never doubted you had heart.

But I just got off the phone

with a buyer who is ready to make an offer at our asking price.

So...

sorry.

Your lower back! Your lower back!

- Esteban! Excuse me... - Show him!

Have you seen my lower back?

Let's come back tomorrow with my uncle. He's a bruiser.

Moose? 'You crazy? He'll fuck everything up! We just need to offer him more.

More than what we already don't have?

Isn't Ravi great at these things? -He does have a knack for finding money.

Invite him for dinner. I haven't seen him in years.

Right. And invite your cutie pie Martin.

- A double date with Martin? - Yep!

- Thought you found him 'beige'. - I don't... really know him.

He could be super beige.

Couldn't that know-it-all advise us? You said he loved our project!

Sure. Yeah, definitely.

- I'll text Ravi. - Then liquor store, then home.

- Sounds like a plan! - Great. They haven't seen the last of us!

Take the stick out of your ass. It's going fine.

Marie-Lyne borrowed my jacked to smoke weed and Ravi ate the potpourri.

Listen, all I ask is that you keep an open mind.

You lied to me about aborting your vineyard project, which is fine.

I didn't get mad, I didn't cry much.

- How's that for open-mindedness? - Fine. Keep at it.

Yo! Got an ashtray? -He wanted to use the railing but I said,

"We're not fucking savages!"

That'll do.

- Yeah! - Great.

So,

can I help you with anything?

Sure, you can make the salad dressing.

- I thought you already made one. - His roach is in it!

- Thought it was bacon grease. - Sorry, Martin!

Sorry, Marty-Mart!

I'll make a new one!

- What are you drinking, Martin? - Vodka water.

I'm on the keto diet. Who's having plain ribs? This guy!

"This guy"...

- His breath stinks! - They call it 'Keto Mouth'.

His body's burning fat. It's like a purge.

Girls, girls...

So, um,

as I was saying,

if you wanna make four mil fast,

there's a brand-new cryptocurrency-- -How safe are these things?

- It's cryptocurrency. - Yeah.

As safe as a cast-iron life preserver.

Do you have a better suggestion? Or are you too busy burning toxins?

You want suggestions? Here's a thought:

Before you go and sink four million in a vineyard,

how about doing some market research and risk assessment,

have a solid business plan? Just saying!

Or...

Dirty panties are always a winner! -Told you he's full of solutions!

I'm ovulating!

Just have some sauce for God's sake!

This is just dry powder!

It's so tense in there. Did he really go to bed?

Man, she told me about him going to bed, like, super early.

It's 8 PM!

I bet if we peeked under the blankets, we'd find him in Spiderman PJs.

Stained with a bit of pee like a little boy.

He went to bed at 8 on a Friday. What's it like on a Monday?

Fuck! Nico's coming over at 8:30.

And he hates it when I reek of drugs. -Seriously?

- Thought we were getting shitfaced. - Sorry, some other time.

Bad news. -Is Martin's body rejecting animal fat?

I just spoke to Esteban.

It's official, the vineyard's been sold.

Fucking greedy Esteban! We really should have taken a dump in his vines!

Yeah! We can still find a vineyard. Maybe even a cheaper one!

- Right! - Don't give up.

How about more wine to celebrate the one you won't be bottling up?

Nah, I can't. I have to...

I want to chill with my boyfriend. He feels overwhelmed.

Thanks! Talk soon?

Got to.

- Where is she going? - Nicolas!

Her dude in finance.

We should put that financial advisor to good use!

I regularly entrust him with my wallet. Good night!

Still no?

I smell weed!

It was great seeing you again.

- Bye. - Bye.

Bye, Mart!

Bye, Ravi!

That was great.

Thanks.

I needed that after the day I had. We lost the vineyard.

I told a coworker about your project and she'd like to meet you.

Yeah?

Who?

Nadège. She's a kind of dragon with lots of money to invest in projects like yours.

Well then...

So you told them about me?

Of course. Why wouldn't I?

- And what did you tell them? - That...

a friend was looking for an investor.

A 'special' friend, right?

Sure.

Can I get her information?

Yep. Hold on.

- Are you texting it to me? - Yeah, yeah.

- OK. - Sent.

Hi, Eve, call me first thing tomorrow

'cause I have...

good news!

Thanks.

Sure, no worries.

Bring in the drinks!

This is Nadège Smith, 45, a charismatic businesswoman

who could sell you crack den mattressfor the price of a brand-new one.

In her hands, we feel as safe as Céline did with René.

Without the creepy sexual vibes. Although...

It's easy, girls, real easy.

I can get you the money, find you a vineyard, even clients,

while you keep doing what you're already excelling at: Being superstars,

inspirational women.

I want to turn you successful comedians into successful businesswomen!

- Yep. - Sure.

Bob le Chef, Miss Sushi, Mario Pelchat...

that's all me.

- Ms. Smith... - Don't be so formal.

Call me Nadège.

- Great. Ms. Nadège... - No.

- Just Nadège. - Yeah, OK, but what's next?

We already lost one vineyard!

They're a dime a dozen. Unlike women who can run them.

I only know... two. And they're in front of me.

So, what's next?

Well, let me shortlist

a few vineyards worth checking out.

Then we'll assess

the size of your down payment

and I'll...

make up the difference.

There's one more step.

What's the catch?

This is your 'catch'.

- Sorry. I'm getting emotional. - Sure.

Thank you, Edwidge.

Thank you, Nicolas! -He dumped me by text last night.

- Classy. - Best breakup ever!

There you go! To our new relationship!

- Yeah! - We're not done!

It's just the beginning! The vineyard remains to be sipped!

- You're overdoing it, Eve. - That's not in my vocabulary.

Trust yourself.

I can't.

I can't. I'm a morning person.

I can't shit either!

Too bad I didn't think of eating moose and taking shrooms

to ease my bowel movement.

What the fuck are you doing?

Sorry.

I used to be a fan!

- Oh my God! - Gorgeous!

Driving three hours has never been so worth it!

Picture us in our flowing skirts with David C-ass-idy.

You got me at 'flowing skirts'.