All language subtitles for Keep It Up Downstairs_full

(mysterious adventure music)

(inspiring trumpet music)

J' Always my pleasure J'

J' To serve my lady J'

J' Always my pleasure to serve J'

J' Your slightest wishes J'

J' My heart's desire J'

J' One word from you sets my soul on fire J'

J' Always my pleasure to serve my lady J'

J' My love for you will not swerve J'

J' For I only long to be by your side J'

J' From morning til eventide. J'

J' Here I go, there I go J'

J' One face I see J'

J' Smiling at rne J'

Ilsittobef

J' Twirling round, twirling round J'

J' Haunting my brain J'

J' Tell me, oh tell me J'

J' It's not in vain J'

J' If you will give me
your heart, my lady J'

J' I'll train each sinew and nerve J'

J' Morning and night just to say to you J'

J' Always my pleasure to serve J'
- Heidi!

- Are you Cockshute Towers?

- Cockshute Towers, if you please.

- All the same to me.

(bike clattering)

- [Polly] Heidi.

- Pfft.

Heidi, come 0n.

(Heidi barking)

" Oh!

- Morning.

" Oh!
" Oh!

- Morning, Mrs. B.

- Ah!
" Oh!

(pans clattering)
Ruined!

- You, Mrs. B, what a memory.

- You stupid girl,

what you want to go
screaming like that for?

- Sorry Mrs. Burgess,

somebody pinched my (screams).

Rogers, you cheeky devil.

- Will you just stop
cluttering up my kitchen

and 'urry on upstairs.

Mr. Hampt0n'll be waiting

and you know how particular he is

to have things just right at breakfast.

Now come on, off with you, I said off!

Go on, you two, off

and Polly, you can give me
a hand with these trays.

(Polly mumbles)

(tray clattering)

(dumbwaiter squeaking)

(siren wailing)

(whistle blowing)

- Hampton here.

- Mrs. Burgess here.

- Ah, Mrs. Burgess, good morning.

- [Mrs. Burgess] Breakfast on it way up.

- Yes, thank you very much.

(whistle blowing)

(dumbwaiter creaking)

(footsteps thundering)

You're late, Rogers.

- I beg your pardon, Mr. Hampton.

- Maud.

- Sorry Mr. Hampton.

- So you should be.

- Ah, Mimi.

- Good morning, Monsieur Hampton.

- Very nice, my dear, very nice.

Are you sure you can manage that?

- Oh, I'm used of carrying
heavy things, Monsieur Hampton.

(chuckling)

- Can you manage a paper, too?

- Oh, just put it on
top, Monsieur Hampton.

- Ha ha.

Oh, what a place to have the times.

(classical string music)

(Lord Cockshute warbling)

Good morning, milady!

A beautiful day.

The sun's in the sky,

and Lord Cockshute is in his bath.

- Oh, breakfast.

I really feel like it this morning.

- [Hampton] Good to start
the day on something hot.

(silverware clattering)

- I do agree.

- A roll, perhaps?

- Exactly, Hampton.

Always my pleasure to serve, milady.

(gentle string music)

I've instructed the
staff t0 be less wasteful

when polishing the floors
and furniture, milady.

Our special preparation of linseed oil

must be reserved

for only the most delicate pieces.

It is very important that
every area is covered.

Each little crevice must be attended to

using the fingers to rub
gently into the corners.

I have instructed

that all cushions be
shaken and plumped up.

That the curtains should
be hung out and aired

and all the carpets
well rushed and beaten.

Running a place like this

does need a strong hand
in the right place.

- [Lady Cockshute] You're
so thoughtful, Hampton.

- I try to keep the staff up to the mark.

It's so difficult though,

when one sets high standards.

They are apt to fall just
when you want them to rise

but I trust, milady,

you will never have cause to complain

of any lack of effort on my part.

- [Lady Cockshute] Never, Hampton.

(Lord Cockshute giggling)

- Oh, milord.

How you should expect I should help you

when you always take off my (screams).

(Mimi screaming)
(Lord Cockshute chuckling)

Oh, milord.

(chuckles saucily)

Oh, you're so strong.

You want to hurt Mimi, to cause hurt?

- Oh, no, no, no,

I mean yes, yes!

Oh.
- Oh, please milord, not now.

- When?

- If you behave yourself,

I shall come undress you tonight.

- Oh, Jolly good.

- See you later.
- Yes! (chuckles)

Oh dear.

Oh, tripes.

Oh, where's the wife?

- Sorry t0 bother you, my dear.

Just can't find this stud.

- Can't seem to,

it always falls out

just when I think I've got it in.

- Oh I know.

- Allow me, milord.

- Oh, thank you, Hampton.

- Nothing ever seems to go right

when you're in a hurry.

- You in a hurry, Randy,

whatever for'?

- Point with the lawyers, my dear.

Oh, tiresome business,

all about the estate.

- There you are, milord.

- Ah, thank you, Hampton.

- See you at luncheon, my dear.

- Hampton.

(hooves clattering)

- Gorgeous beast.

- Ah, it's in perfect condition as always.

- I believe you.

- Well, it only needs the
right touch, you know.

- Not many people have it, Rogers.

You're fortunate.

- Thank you, milady.

- Ah, it's a regular piece of strapping.

That works wonders.

- You must show me how you do it, Rogers.

Later.

(hooves clattering)

(footsteps clattering)

- Your Lordship.

Your Lordship?

(liquids bubbling)

Oh, sir, you've done it again.

- Not quite.

- I'm talking about your breakfast,

you haven't touched a thing.

Can I help yQu?

- Yes, yes, my notes.

Thanks.

- Mrs. Burgess will be ever so upset

if I take the tray back like this.

You must eat something.

- N0, I can't stop, Maud,

I'm just getting t0 a vital part.

- Look, why don't I give you your food

while you go on working?

- Thanks, Maud,

you're a good girl

- With you, how can I be anything else?

- Funny stuff, this cow chew.

- It's kedgeree, actually.

- What?
- Your breakfast, kedgeree.

Mrs. Burgess special.

- I was referring t0 this.

It's gotta be caught at
just the right temperature.

I tell you, it's a
little discovery of mine,

this India rubber solution in here,

I found that by adding
minute amounts of acids,

you can stretch it until it's so fine

you can hardly feel it.

- Good heavens.

Well, what's it for?

- Well, even though it's so fine,

it's completely waterproof

so you see, it will be
invaluable as a cover for--

' Yes?

- I really shouldn't be
talking to you like this.

- Well stand up then,

otherwise your epiglottis
will have a seizure.

- It's something I'm
making for Lady Cockshute,

it's a secret.

Now you mustn't breathe
a word of this to anyone,

you understand?

- Oh yes, your Lordship, I promise.

(water sloshing)

- You all right down
there, Master Peregrine?

- Yes thank you, Mellons.

(water bubbling)

- Oh.
-Ah!

(Rogers chuckling)

- Right, come here.

- Oh.
-Ah!

" Oh!

(giggling)

If you stop struggling,

I'll show you a thing or two.

- [Maud] If I stop struggling,

I can show you a thing--

- [Rogers] om

- [Maud] Oh, Rogers.

- [Rogers] Here, what was that?

What's that?

- [Maud] Oh, Rogers.

Oh you rotten thing, you (screams).

- [Rogers] And what have we here?

- Rogers, give me back my blouse,

what are you doing, you're
taking all my clothes off.

(screams)

R0gers!

Oh.

Rogers.

(Rogers chuckling)

- Oh hello, Mr. Hampton.

I was just getting some
hay for bedding down.

- Quite so.

Far be it from me to interrupt
your labours, Rogers,

but I do have a urgent errand.

- Oh yeah.

- Would you care to take a ride?

- Well, certainly, I was just about--

- To the village?

- Oh yeah, very well, Mr. Hampton.

- I want this sent off by telegraph.

His L0rdship's last farthing

on the two o'clock at Newmarkets.

- Right you are, Mr. Hampton.

Now, we only got five minutes, girl.

Great.

- Wonder if his Lordship's got a good tip?

- Oh no, he hasn't.

- I mean inside information.

- So dol.

- You know, you know
Hampton's a better punter.

He does pretty well with the
horses, does 0l' Hampton.

- I was once raped on a
racecourse by the wardens--

- [Rogers] Yoink!

(triumphant jolly music)
(ecstatic screams)

(hay rustling)

- [Rogers] You don't
really mean that, do you?

- [Maud] Well...

- [Peregrine] Come in, stepmater.

- Perry, darling, I
really am most flattered

being allowed into your private sanctum.

Sometime I must let you into mine.

- It is rather exciting, isn't it?

- [Lord Cockshute] Yes.

- It's all for you.

- Yes, Perry.

- Well, you know how I
feel about you, mater?

- Tell me.

- Well, you've always
been so kind and loving

just like a real mother.

- Oh, I could never be that.

- So I've been carrying
out a little exercise

down here by myself.

- Oh, you shouldn't do
that, it makes you deaf.

I've got a surprise, quite a big one.

- Don't tell me, let me
find out the hard way.

- All right, close your eyes.

- Oh, can't I look?

- N0, I'll tell you when.

- Oh don't, I get so
frightened in the dark.

- Please stop, step mater, no.

This is the way.

Let me show you.

Feel that.

- Perry.

Oh, Perry.

- What d0 think?

- I'm speechless.

I don't know what t0 say.

So that's what you've been
working at all the time?

- These sheaths'll protect your plants

from rain, hail, or snow.

N0 worries when it comes
to the flower show, mater.

- And you've been doing all this for me?

You are a darling, Perry.

You deserve a big kiss.

- These sheaths have been
made so light and elastic

that they'll grow with
the stretch of the plant.

- How clever.

- The only trouble is that I
can't demonstrate that quickly.

- N0, you really need something
you can experiment with,

something that expands itself.

- Mater, you're marvellous,

I've just got the very thing.

- You have?

- Yes, it grows from six
inches to 12 just like that.

" Oh!

- I'll show you, hang on a minute.

Mater.

This is what you were
thinking of, isn't it?

- Of course, dear, what else?

- Excellent brew of yours, Hampton.

- [Hampton] Glad you like it, milord.

- Yes, help yourself, old fella.

- Thank you, milord.

May one venture to inquire

as t0 what has cast your Lordship

into this slough of despont?

We're not broke yet.

- Snotty.

- Snotty, milord?

- Yes, you know, used
to live in the village,

father kept the shop.

Confounded fella.

What everyone wanted, he didn't have.

- Ah, Snotty Shuttleworth.

- That's the fella.

Went away, made a fortune.

Well, he's back.

- I had heard, milord

but I don't think we should
let it upset our equilibrium.

- [Lord Cockshute] You don't
know what game he's playing.

- I have a pretty good idea.

- Question is, will he or won't he.

- I should think there's
very little doubt.

- Oh dear, what should we do,

where should we all go?

- G0, milord?

- Yes, when Snotty chucks
us out of Cockshute Towers.

I've been trying to
explain to you, Hampton.

You shouldn't drink brandy
in the morning, you know,

dulls your brain.

- Oh, I do beg pardon, milord.

If you just explain.

- Yeah, well getting down t0 bare facts.

- Yes, milord?

- He's taken over the mortgage

and all our family debts

and you know they amount
t0 a considerable sum.

- I begin to comprehend.

You mean he's issued a ultimatum?

- Yeah, now we're getting
to the crux of the matter.

- [Hampton] The crux indeed.

- One month to pay.

One month or we're out!

He's always fancied himself
as lord of the manor.

Oh, it's too ghastly to contemplate.

- Intolerable.

- [Lord Cockshute]
Someb0dy's got a bit out.

- [Hampton] It fancy just is.

- [Lord Cockshute] What's that?

- Thought of Cockshute

in the hands of that little upstart.

Have no fears, milord, we shall contrive.

- Hampton, you're a great comfort to me.

- My pleasure to serve, milord.

Ah, funny to think of Snotty being back.

D0 you remember the day we
dumped him in the goldfish pond?

- He caught us smoking in the shrubbery.

- Threatened to sneak to
our respective fathers.

- Little beggar was peeping
at us through the bushes.

(both chuckling)

(ragtime music)

- [Snotty] Ah, lwas
waiting for you, Lady Kitty.

- [Lady Kitty] You
frightened Ramrod to death.

- Allow me to apologise.

You're not even allowed here at all--

- Now don't--
- Get out of my way!

- You take that high
tone with me, my girl,

my word with you, hearing
what's in the wind,

you'll be down on your knees to me.

- [Lady Kitty] You mean on your level.

- Ah, ah!

(spring bonging)

(cockerel crowing)
(playful string music)

J' Shoulder t0 shoulder J'

J' Through thick and thin J'

J' We'll fight together or life may bring J'

J' Someone to stand with J'

J' Right to the end J'

J' My good friend J'

J' We've been together since-- J'

- Hello?
J' Boys J'

J' Sharing our games-- J'
(armour clanging)

- Hello?

(armour clattering)

J' Young soldiers off to the war J'

J' Long summer evenings,
girls by the score J'

- Hello?

J' Shoulder t0 shoulder J'

J' Through thick and thin J'

J' Fighting together for life-- J'

- Hello?

Hello?

J' Stand with right to the end J'

J' My good friend J'

(cheerful piano music)

- Where's the door, Hampton?

- This way, milord.

If you'll just follow me.

(spring bonging)

- Blaggard!

Have at you.

- Excuse me, but could I have a--

- Just let me get at you, sir.

- [Snotty] He's nothing but--

- And stand still, you bounderlap.

Snotty, come here at once.

(Heidi barking)

- [Snotty] Oh, papa's
gone stark raving loony.

- Come back you card,
come back, sir I say.

Gotcha, take that and that.

- [Snotty] I'm off again.

- [Lord Cockshute] Come
back here, you codger.

- [Mimi] Monsieur, please, please,

you must put it up, I beg of you.

- [Lord Cockshute] Ah, good morning.

- [Mimi] Oh, Monsieur--

- [Lord Cockshute] Have at you.

- [Snotty] Hiding behind a woman.

- [Mimi] Qh!

Oh!

- [Snotty] Excuse me, it's
actually embarrassing, this.

- [Mimi] Qh!

- [Lord Cockshute] You beggar.

- [Mimi] Qh!

Oh, milord.

' [STIOfiy] Ha ha.

- [Hampton] Reinforcements,
reinforcements.

- Reinforcements, by jove.

Hampton, come on.

- Reinforcements.

Reinforcements have arrived, milord.

- After him, Hampton.

(tape winding)

(Mimi moaning)

- [Snotty] Put me down at once my word,

you're gonna be sorry for this.

- You're the one who's going to be sorry.

Strewth, when I'm head
of Cockshute Towers,

you will treat me somewhat
differently, Hampton.

- [Hampton] Mr. Hampton, if you please.

If that day happens, I very much doubt

you can do what you ruddy well like.

(Snotty stuttering)

There we go.

- [Snotty] Flaming sharks.

I'll get you for this, Hampton.

(solemn string music)

- Didn't you like my dress?

- It's beautiful, yes?

- But why do you keep taking it off?

- Because I like what's underneath better.

Oh, Mimi, Mimi.

Mimi, I'll buy you lots
of dresses, my dear,

I'll buy you them with
necklines getting lower

and hemlines getting higher.

Oh, I know it's all going to end my dear

but I just hope I'm there when it happens.

Oh (chuckles).

- Milord.
(Cockshute chuckles)

(elastic pinging)

(knocking)

- Hampt--

(spring bonging)

- I'm sorry to interrupt you

while you're dressing, milord

but I thought I'd better
remind you of the time.

- Oh, what on earth
for, oh really, Hampton?

- Begging your pardon, milord

but you called a family
conference for 6:30.

- Oh yes, so I did, oh,
I'd quite forgotten.

- Quite so, milord.

- Oh yes, I suppose I
better break the bad news.

The sooner I get it over with, the better.

- If I may suggest, milord,

it is a little late in
the day for sunbathing.

- Oh, 0h dear, yes.

- You can rely on me to
finish it off here, milord.

- Monsieur Hampton.

- Hampton, I've been thinking.

- Really, milord?

- Yes, this conference,
you should be there.

- If you say so, milord.

- Oh I do, I do.

- Yes, s0me0ne's got to
come up with an idea.

- Oh, I'm sure you both
will come up with something.

Ah, zut alors!

(spring bonging)

- Oh Rogers, do give over.

- Why?

You like it, don't you?

- Well I've got me work to do.

- Well, you just carry on.

- Oh.
- And I'll just carry on.

- Honestly, don't you ever
think of anything else

but making love t0 girls?

- Well, course I do.

- [Polly] What?

- Girls making love t0 me.

- [Polly] Ah, (moans).

- [Roger] Oh, oh yeah.

(ecstatic moaning)

- [Polly] Here, s0me0ne's coming.

- [Rogers] om

- Come in, everyone.

Come in and sit down.

Sit, Heidi.

The situation's very delicate,

I don't know which way to turn.

- [Kitty] Papa, what
is all this fuss about?

- [Peregrine] I hope
it won't take too long,

I've left my bunsens burning.

- [Lord Cockshute] Well,
you see, it's about,

Hampton, how would you explain it?

- Oh, there's no getting away from it.

We're in a tight squeeze.

- If I understand you correctly, milord,

unless you find somewhere in the region

of 100,000 pounds,

we are all going t0 be out on our (moans).

- [Lord Cockshute] I'm afraid
that is the position, my dear.

- If that's all, pater,

do you mind if I return to the laboratory?

I have a quick test to
finish before dinner.

- Peregrine, I despair of you.

Haven't you got anything
better t0 do with your time

instead of fiddling about down there?

- Randy, I don't think you
should be so hard on Perry.

I mean, it's not like drinking or gambling

like so many young men these days.

- Nonsense, rubber sheaths indeed.

They'll never catch on.

- Oh, let's keep to the point, papa.

What are we going to do?

- Wish I knew, Kitty.

- [Peregrine] What
about the family jewels?

- [Kitty] Yes, couldn't we sell them?

- [Lord Cockshute] Yes, I'm afraid

they don't amount to much.

- [Lady Cockshute] It's quite right,

they're all a sham.

- Pater!

- Sold them some time ago,

temporary embarrassment, you know.

The glories of our past

are now paste.

- [Lady Cockshute]
Hampton will find a way.

- [Hampton] If you want me, madam,

I shall always be there, somehow.

- Oh, what a man you are.

- There is the old solution

of advantageous marriage.

- Of course!

Kitty should marry Shuttleworth,

the estate will stay in the family

and nothing will change.

- Oh yes it does!

Me!

Why should I be the sacrifice?

Why not Perry?

- Well I can't marry him, really.

- Oh don't be so silly.

- I don't want to.

- And I don't want to marry Shuttleworth.

I wouldn't marry him

if he was the last man on earth.

I won't do it.

I won't, I won't, I won't.

I'd rather marry Hampton.

Yes, much rather.

- Thank you, Lady Kitty,

I'm very flattered.

- [Lord Cockshute] Well,

seems like you're our last chance, Perry.

Glad that's all settled, then.

- [Peregrine] I can't.

I mean, I don't know an heiress.

- N0 silly, but I do, Betsy Ann Dureneck.

She was at Lucerene with me, remember?

Her father's one of those
American millionaires

absolutely reeking of money.

- How unfortunate.

- He's an oil in a big way.

- So, sardines.

- They're ever so rich,

dozens of oil wells you'd never believe.

- Well, I must say,

he does sound quite interesting.

- [Kitty] They're coming
over here for the season.

- [Lady Cockshute] Bring
them down for the weekend.

- [Lord Cockshute] Splendid.

- Oh, don't look so miserable, Perry.

Just think, with all that money,

you'll be able to afford new equipment.

- I suppose that's one
way of looking at it.

- [Lady Cockshute] I must say,
this meeting has turned out

much better than I expected.

- One small thing.

- Don't worry about it, Randy,

it's not your fault.

- It'll cost a lot of money
t0 entertain the Durenecks.

- They're accustomed to
the best of everything.

- Ah, then they must have it.

Allow me to take the responsibility.

I'm sure I speak for the staff.

They're all behind you.

- Oh, milord.
- Oh!

(groans of pleasure)

(Heidi barking)
(cat mewling)

(Playful music)

- I suggest we all adjourn.

So, brothers

that is the situation

and I took it upon myself to say

that we would support the family

in its hour of need.

- Why does he keep
saying he's our brother?

- Well if he is, he better
watch out for the law.

- Why?

- It's illegal.

- What?
-Incest

- What's that?

- Something all the family can enjoy.

- Order, order!

- Had you a point to make, brother?

- N0, brother, no, I agree with you.

- I'm sure the family will appreciate

that we have rallied to the cause.

- Now we've all got good jobs here

and I wouldn't want to lose my position.

- How many have you had, Mrs. B?

- 69.

- Ah, then you've got to face it.

- What?

- That you're 0n to a
very comfortable wicket.

Don't spoil it.

- So what do you want
from us, Monsieur Hampton.

- [Both] Yes, what do you
want from us, Mr. Hampton?

- Yes, well I thought if we all
contributed one week's wages

that should take care of the food.

I shall make myself responsible
for the liquid refreshment.

- Ah, well you've been
doing that for long enough.

- Mellons, I shall rely
on you to see to the game.

- Ah, now there's another thing,

there i'n't any.

- What?

- He's shot it all, ha'n't he?

- Come on, Mellons,

you're an ingenious fellow.

Well stocked over at Brampton Hall.

- Here, are you telling
him to go poaching?

- Yes.

- Can't we put the matter
t0 a vote, Mr. Hampton?

- Certainly, Mrs. Burgess.

All those in favour.

" [AH] Aye!

(belches)

- Then it only remains for me

t0 call the meeting to a close.

I shall rely on you all to do your bit.

- I only wish we could be sure
young Peregrine will do his.

He don't know, does he?

- That thought had already
occurred t0 us, Mellons.

I understand her ladyship is
taking the matter in hand.

(Archie snoring)

- Ah, Perry, isn't it a lovely day today?

The birds are singing,
the bees are buzzing.

Birds, bees, does that
remind you of anything?

- Honey.

- Darling.
- Pardon?

- And spring and the sap rising

and all that sort of thing.

You know, it's at a time like this

that a young man's fancy

turns lightly to thoughts of love.

Have you ever thought about love, Perry?

- I don't go in for that
sort of thing myself.

- Well then it's time
you thought about life.

- I'm quite happy as I am, mater.

- How can you know about
love until you try, dear boy.

How do you know what
goes on in woman's heart?

Can you feel how it beats?

(heart thumping)

- 72 times a minute.

- Oh, Perry.

Sometimes I really
think you're too clever.

- I don't want to upset
you, mater, honestly.

- Then try to understand
how difficult it is

for me to talk you like this.

I mean, now that you're grown up,

a man, really,

well we must speak
about the facts of life.

- Oh, I've always been
interested in nature.

- So have I.

- It's wonderful when you think
that little bits of pollen

get up to the stamen

and send its seed through the pistol.

- Wonderful.

- Unless of course, you
follow the Darwin theory.

- Oh, wasn't he the horrid little man

who said we were all
descended from monkeys?

- That's right, do you remember
when we all went to the zoo

and we were laughing at the monkeys

and pater made us turn away

because they were doing rude things.

- Perry, about those monkeys.

' Yes?

- Well, they weren't really being rude.

They were making love.

Everyone makes love at some time,

not just monkeys.

And when a man and woman are in love

what happens can be quite beautiful.

- Well I've heard sex isn't good for one.

- It isn't.

But it's marvellous for two.

Now put your arms around me,

hold me very close.

_ l'm__

I have this feeling I'm closer to you

than you are to me.

- Silly boy, now kiss me.

(Perry gargfing)

Oh, it's wonderful
feeling so close together.

Can you feel something
pressing against me,

Pressing against you?

- NO-

_
' Yes!

- Yes.

- The cork, that reminds me,

I must put it in the retort.

- I can think of a choice retort myself.

(window clattering)
(carpet beater banging)

- (gasps) You stop that, you hear me,

you take the liberty!

- You don't mind his
Lordship giving you a cuddle.

- Well, he has more time

and beside, it is his right.

He is, how you say, a count.

- A what?

- A count.

- Oh yes, yeah.

(bucket clattering)

- Oh, I have work t0 do.

- I thought you French girls
were supposed t0 like it?

- I never said we didn't like it.

- Oh, good.

- Oh, Rogers, you beast.

(Mimi moaning)

Oh, Rogers, oh.

Oh, yes, mm.

(Mimi moaning)

- Oh there you are, Rogers,

I've been looking for you.

- Oh yes, sir?

- Doing something special at this moment?

(Mimi moaning)
- Well--

- I'm having a sort of a trouble

getting some crates up from the cellar.

Run along and help us, good lad.

- Well, if I could just finish
what I'm doing here, sir.

It's Mimi, you see,

I'm just giving her a little
help shaking out the rugs.

(Mimi moaning)

- Ah, Mimi, yes.

Well, I'll carry on with Mimi

and you carry on with the crates.

- Oh, very well, sir.

If you're sure.

- Definitely.

- Yes.

Oh, (speaking in foreign
language), don't stop now.

Don't stop.

(Mimi moaning)

- The way you're carrying on,

you'll be all clay cleaning one room.

N0 rug can be that dusty.

Aren't you gonna change over?

- N0, this is a good way.

- Ah, housework can be so enjoyable.

- [Mimi] More, (moans)

- [Maud] Stop it, that's enough.

- Oh, big garcon, 0h, garcon, help!

- Excuse me, milord,

there is a person waiting without.

- Without what?

Oh, I do wish you'd finish
your sentences, Hampton.

Well, who is it?

- Snotty, milord.

- Oh, (mumbles), 0h can't
you get rid of him, man.

- If I may advise, my Lord,

I think we should see him,

circumstances being as they are.

- Oh, show him in.

- Oh, and Hampton?

- Yes, milord?

- Your best sherry.

- Yes, milord?

- Lock it up.

And don't leave me too long

with that big toad,

I shan't be responsible for rne actions.

- I shall serve the
cooking sherry, naturally.

But we should try not to
get his back up just yet.

- All right, show him in.

- Oh, his Lordship will see you now.

- Oh, Shuttlecock, it's you, is it.

- G'day, your Lordship,

it's very good of you to see me.

- Sit down, man, sit down.

- Makes me quite bilious

bobbing about like that.

- He is, my Lord.

- Sit down, man.

- Oh, thank you, your Lordship,

I am deeply honoured.

- Yes, aren't you?

Well carry 0n man, carry on.

- Well I've been thinking about
our little business matter.

- Yeah, not so little.

- Well, it depends how you look at it.

I mean, there's no point in
our fighting and carrying on.

Oh, the more I think about
you being thrown out of here

with nowhere t0 go

and me, living here in style,

the more I thought it wouldn't do.

- Very sensible.

Don't think you'd like it here.

Wouldn't suit.

- Ah, now you've got it wrong.

I live here but you needn't go.

- Well, I don't (stammers)

- N0, but we all live here.

Together.

(silverware clatters)

- Hampton!

- I do beg pardon, milord,

perhaps Mr. Shuttleworth
would care to explain?

I don't think I quite heard him right.

- Well, like I was saying,

I am prepared

t0 tear up the IOUs, your
bills, your mortgages,

and let things go on just as before.

- [Both] You are?

- Under certain conditions, of course.

- I'm sure Lord Cockshute

feels these sentiments do you credit.

May we know what has induced
this change of heart?

- Love.

Love!

I'm mad with it.

I can't sleep at night
for thinking of her.

Just the thought of
holding her in my arms.

It's worth anything in the world, that is.

So there you have it.

- [Lord Cockshute] We have?

- I can't screw me own family, can I?

I mean, oh, in so many words,
if you know what I mean.

- I can't say that I do.

- I'm trying to tell ya.

You can have all this

if I can have your Kitty.

- Kitty!

(gasping)

- Now, steady, milord, now lie down.

- Where are my turns, Hampton,

- Now, breathe.
- Get off rne, Hampton.

- Ow!
- What's the matter?

- Perhaps you'd care to wait
in the hall for a few minutes.

- Yes, please, yes thank you.

- Oh dear, what are we going to do?

- Things may not turn out
so badly after all, milord.

- What?

- Well, play him along, humour the toad.

'Til we've got the American
heiress in the bag.

- Ah yes, I suppose that doesn't work.

- And we may have to
prevail upon Lady Kitty.

- Oh, I don't like it, Hampton.

Never fancied her marrying a commoner

and he's commoner than most.

- Look at the bright side, milord,

invite him for the weekend

and if all goes well with the heiress,

we can kick him right--

(yelps)

Ah ha, karate!

I've got a brown belt.

- I've seen it, milord.

For your hernia.

- Ah, bring him in again, Hampton.

- [Hampton] Very well, milord.

His Lordship has
recovered, please come in.

- Now, as you were
saying, Mr. Shuttleworth,

oh, what were we saying?

- That you had no objection
t0 Mr. Shuttleworth

asking for Miss. Kitty's hand.

- Well I can't answer for Lady Kitty,

she'll have to make up
her own mind about the--

- Don't you worry on that
score, your Lordship,

just leave the little lady to me.

We have our ways and means.

Well, I think this calls for
a bit of a celebration, hey?

- Hampton.

- Yes, milord?

- Bring up a chair and sit down.

- Yes, milord.

About the weekend, milord.

I suppose as it's such short notice,

Mr. Shuttleworth is already engaged.

- Oh, a little house party,

would've asked dear old Snotty,

but as you say, Hampton,

pity he can't come.

- I can!

- I'm sure he would've enjoyed himself.

- I can!

- Would he have behaved
himself in a decorous manner?

- Ah, what!

- Pity he can't come.

- I can!

I can!

- He can.

- Oh, I wouldn't miss it for worlds.

Oh, you can count on me.

- Oh, cheers.

- Oh, finished already?

- Well, I haven't had one yet.

- Oh good, needn't detain
you any longer, then.

Very busy, you understand, estate matters.

- Oh, yes, I'll see that, your Lordship.

Well, I'm very much obliged.

I'll just go and see Kitty, then.

We'll get along perfect, you'll see.

- Hampton, my time will come.

- Of that, there is absolutely no doubt.

With a little off for good conduct.

" R0gers!

- Oh, hello, milady.

- What strong arms you have, Rogers.

- Oh thank you, milady.

I need 'em in my job.

- Of course you do.

Tossing all that hay up into the loft.

I believe that you could toss
me up there if you wanted to.

- Well, I dare say I could.

- Shall we try?

- Not just now, milady.

I've got a lot of work to do.

You see,

I've got a lot of work to do
with these visitors arriving.

Maybe tomorrow.

- Oh, fetlocks!

(water sploshing)

- Excuse me, milord.

- Oh (mutters).

- Oh, don't fuss, Randy.

People are prepared

to overlook all sorts of things these days

especially as Mr. Shuttleworth
has so much money.

- Oh, bah!

- It may work out quite splendidly.

With your influence,

couldn't you get him raised to a peer?

- I'd rather chuck him off one.

- Only problem I can see

is how to get Kitty to cooperate.

- Hampton.

- Hampton?

- Yes, he's the only one who
can control her tantrums.

I must confess, I can't stand another one

of her blasted paddies.

- He could pop up now.

- Yes, I'll tell him.

Hampton.

- Milord?

- I've decided you should be
the one to tell Lady Kitty

about Snotty.

- Very well, milord.

- Send up a pot of tea,
if you would, Hampton.

- [Hampton] Yes, milady.

China?

- Of course.

We pawned the silver one last month.

(gentle tinkling music)

(Kitty moaning)

(water sloshing)

(rousing tinkling music)

- Hampton.

I always did say your
timing was impeccable.

You can help rne off with my boots.

(gentle tinkling music)

- Stairs, milady?

- I think so, Hampton.

(horn trumpeting)

- ls that a horn?

- Yeah, sounds as though
Hampton's got Kitty to blow it.

- Good old Hampton.

(bell ringing)
- Here they come!

Here they come!

(rousing ragtime music)

- [Polly] Quick, they're coming.

- N0, no, no, girls,

there's no time for that now,

now line up.

Polly, bit more.

N0, milord, no, not with the staff.

Over here.

(gate squeaking)

Mimi, I think, bring yourself over here.

That's right.

- [F.L.] Hello there.

Gee, this is great.

- My, it's positively prehistoric.

- Good heavens, Daisy.

Stay down.

- Thank you, my man.

- Mr and Mrs. Dureneck, how marvellous--

- Kitty.
- Kitty.

- Come and meet my parents, mater, pater,

Mr and Mrs. Dureneck.

- Your Earlship!

- Hi, Lord Cockshute.

- Coo, as in port.

- Oh no, it's a little
early for me for alcohol.

You can get up now, dear.

- Heidi, Heidi, leave.

- Lucerene and Betsy
and Kitty, knickers!

- F.L. Dureneck at your service, ma'am.

My, you have a mighty fine place, there.

- Yes, it was built by
one of Randy's ancestors,

the first earl.

He was a great soldier.

- Pretty good bricklayer, too.

You know, I have a feeling that you and I

are gonna get on very well together.

(chuckling)

- Stay down 'til I tell you.

- Oh, thank you, you warship.

You know, I can't tell
you how excited I was

when Betsy Ann showed me
the letter from your Kitty.

Imagine spending the whole weekend

with a real live duke.

- Oh, we don't stand on ceremony here.

I'm Randy.

- Oh, how lovely for your wife.

(chuckling)

- This is my brother, Perry,

he's been longing to meet you.

- Ihave?

Yes, yes, I have.

- Are you coming in, Mr Dureneck?

- Oh, F.L. to you, your Lordship.

Ha ha, notjust for a
little moment, though.

- Phew.

Luggage.

You've got all these breast plates here,

then the armour, pike, sword.

- [Mrs. Dureneck] Yes.

- Oh, we've got everything here

and I'd like you t0 meet
the pillar of the household,

our butler, Hampton.

Hampton.

Where the devil has he gone?

Hampton, Hampton!

Hampton, I want you t0 meet Mrs. Dureneck.

What the devil's the matter, man?

Is it your back?

- NO-

' YOu!

- I say, do you two know each other?

- I think it would be more accurate

t0 say that I know of madam, milord.

I well remember her as Daisy Daydream.

- Daisy Daydream?

The Daisy Daydream?

Who used to do it at the gaiety?

- And anywhere else you can think of.

Best all round lay in the chorus.

- What did you say?

- Those little roundelays you used t0 sing

with the chorus.

At the time, you enchanted
me at the gallery.

If you will excuse me, milord.

- Rogers, Polly, Vera, Maud, and Mimi,

if you would see to the other guests.

- [All] Yes, Mr. Hampton.

- I must talk to you.

- Ah, madam, if you will follow me,

I will show you to your room.

(solemn music)

" Oh!

After all we'd been through together

and after all we meant to each other.

How you could walk out on me
on the eve of our wedding.

I don't know how you dare speak to me.

- I'm not, you're speaking to me.

" Oh!

I've never been so
humiliated in my whole life

and in front of all the
girls in the chorus.

I'd even made me own wedding dress.

Oh, how could you, Percy?

- Ah, such happy memories.

They've kept me going
all through these years.

~ Eh?

- You didn't understand.

We were very young

but at least I came to my senses in time.

- You what?

- Dearest Daisy.

You were worthy of greater things.

I was just a struggling footman.

I couldn't let you throw
yourself away on me,

I had to be strong.

I made the supreme sacrifice.

- Percy!

- I took the Queen's shilling
and went off with Gordon

to fight the Dervishes.

- Oh, I didn't know you'd gone to war.

- Ah, yes.

A bloody experience

but it's better not to rake up old wounds.

- Oh, 0h Percy.

What are we going to do?

- Nothing.

You may rely on my discretion
at all times, madam.

(rousing piano music)

- Madam?

- I've heard so much about America.

I hear everything's so big there.

- Oh, you can say that again.

Take Niagara Falls.

Millions and millions of gallons of water

run over that every minute of every day.

- And I suppose all night too.

How extravagant.

- Oh, there you both are.

- [Kitty] I've taken Betsy upstairs.

- That is a really beautiful daughter

you have there, Cockshute.

- Yes, wonderful
horsewoman, damn fine seat.

- I had noticed.

Will you take a look at that view?

Why can't my lawns look like that?

- You need good soil.

- Got the best.

- And good drainage.

- The finest in the whole
United States of America.

- And the best Cumberland seed.

- That I used.

- Yes, then you've got to
mow them for 600 years.

- Oh, 0h yeah.

(F.L. chuckling)

Oh, I do like you people.

I can't tell you what a
thrill it is to be here.

I feel I can relax for the first time

with people like me,

people of substance.

- Substance?

- Obviously.

Oh, you do not know the
trouble we have been in

since we've been in
your little old country.

- Really?

What trouble?

- Oh, fortune hunters, scroungers,

every penniless good-for-nothing

dangling after my Betsy Ann.

They don't have a hope.

- They haven't?

- Dear lady, Francis L. Dureneck

was not born yesterday.

- I can see that.

- Have no fear,

I look after my little girl okay.

Ha ha (chuckles).

(cockerel crowing)

- Morning, Lady Kitty.

- Morning, Rogers.

Come along, Snotty.

Come along, Snotty!

(spring bonging)

Lord, the man is impossible.

- Regular tearaway here, sir.

- Oh, that brute doesn't scare me.

It's just a bit early in the morning

for this sort of exercise.

- Well, you know Lady Kitty's habit sir.

Has to be mounted by nine in the morning.

- Really?

- Side saddle, sir.

- Oh.

I think you'd better give me a leg up.

- Yeah.

(spring bonging)

- Have we started?

(gun banging)

- [Farmer] Get off my land.

Next time you'll get both barrels.

- I can't get it to
come off, Mrs. Burgess.

The rust,

I can't get it off.

- Oh, Lordship.

- Watch it.

How many have you got?

- Three.

- Three, I'll have 'em.

One, two...

(Heidi crying)

- G0 on, go on!

G0 on, get out of it.

Get off.

Get up.

Cock pheasant, sir!

- Where?

(gun banging)

- Good shot.

- I know.

- And another.
- Where?

(gun banging)

They're fighting back.

- Here, take my gun, sir.

- Right.

- There we are.

And another.

- This one gave itself up.

- Ah, well done Mellons.

~ Eh?

- They're falling like melons.

- Oh, follow me.

(gun banging)

- Such a lovely garden.

You know, I've travelled all over

and I always say there's nothing
t0 beat an English garden.

D0 you do a lot in it?

- Oh, I try to keep my end up.

How wise.

I had a most interesting chat

with your husband last night.

- I always find holding
a conversation with Randy

is really rather like trying to knit fog.

- And Peregrine, such a nice young man.

Just the kind of boy

that I've always wanted
Betsy Ann to marry.

The trouble with F.L. is
that he thinks everybody

and all her beaus are after his fortunes.

He's well stacked, you know.

- And money, too.

Oh, sorry.

- Don't apologise.

I'm always telling him he's far too fat

and how about that stomach.

- If that was on a woman,

you'd think she was pregnant.

- It was and she is.

(gun banging)

- Just think, all these
are your ancestors.

- Yes, that's my grandfather.

He fought with Wellington.

- Fancy!

- That was the trouble with grandfather,

he couldn't get on with anyone.

- I've never been in a
place as old as this.

Are there any ghosts 0r things?

- Oh yes, there's Lady Esmerelda.

Actually, this is where she haunts.

- Here?

- Oh, don't worry,

she only comes out at
night in the full moon.

- D0 tell me about her.

- Well, it's rather sad, really.

Her husband got back from
the crusades and caught her

being unfaithful.

- And he killed her in a jealous rage?

- N0, he locked her in the room

at the end of the corridor

and put chains round her ankles.

- Goodness, how dreadful.

- Well, he let her out
at night once a month

t0 the nursery t0 see her little son

while he was sleeping.

Actually, they say you can
hear her moans of grief

echoing all through the house.

- And that's at full moon?

Why, I believe there's a
full moon tonight, Peregrine.

- Is there?

I don't go in for that
sort of thing myself.

- Oh.

- Should we go and find the mothers?

- All right.

Lady C0ckshute's very pretty.

I imagine lots of men find her attractive,

how about you?

- I don't think they'd
give me a second glance.

(Mimi humming)

- Oh, Monsieur Hampton,

you gave rne the big fright.

- I should think so, too.

And just what do you think you're up to?

- I was only playing.

- You must never play
with the lady's baubles.

- But you do, Monsieur Hampton.

- That is beside the point.

- You will have to punish me, yes?

- Yes.

- Are you going t0 be hard on me?

- More than likely.

Come here.

- Oh.

How now we play more games, yes?

(hand slapping)

- Did your father spank
you when you were a child?

- Oh yes, many times,
he'd love to do this.

- I can understand it.

I always remember my father
saying, "Spare the rod

"and spoil the fun."

There, now don't be naughty again

or shall I have to
repeat this performance.

- Promise?

- Get your clothes on, quickly.

- Oh.

- And you'd better take that thing off.

(jewels rattling)

(sombre piano music)

- I can't see any birds.

- One in there.

- I'll get him on the rye.

(gun banging)

Double barrel.

- Now, Lady Cockshute,

please leave everything to me.

Don't you worry about the little romance.

We can always get together
and give him a show.

- I'm sure that's
exactly what Perry needs.

- [Christabelle] You'll never manage it

from that position, Bishop.

- [Bishop] Well, I'm
afraid I'm not very good

at this sort of thing, my dear.

- [Christabelle] Oh, no, no, Bishop, no.

It's like this, you come round here.

That's it.

Oh!

Bishop, it's too hard.

- I found the correct opening

and then I lost control of the ball.

- Look who's playing with the Bishop.

It's that young actress,
Christabelle St. Clair.

- Oh yes.

Pretty little thing.

Reminds me of myself
when I was on the stage.

- She's a big hit in that new musical.

She had an enormous hand at her opening.

- Night?

- Of course.

Oh look, there's Lady Bottomley.

Who's she with?

- Some count.

- Oh dear, did I hit
your balls then, Bishop?

- Oh...

- Thought everyone,

you Count Von Schilling,
sterling character.

Just like an Englishman, really.

- I think that Lady Bottomley

means that as a compliment, yeah?

- [Christabelle] Oh,
Bishop, you are a one.

Oh, goodness me,

have you lost it all together?

(Bishop groaning)

- Oh bother me,

I've got a thorn in my finger.

- Oh, that could be dangerous,

come along with me.

- Where are you two going?

- I'm just going to take a thorn

out of the Bishop's finger.

He really has a nasty prick.

- A good day of sport, eh.

- Bagged four birds and lost the dog.

- Great.

Tell me, does your son ever go shooting with you?

- Oh good lord, no, quite hopeless.

- Tried a shot in the air once and missed.

- Oh, what a shame.

Good air too,

makes you feel so healthy.

- A few days down here
will make a new man of you.

- Yeah, and that'll make Daisy happy.

- [Lord Cockshute] How is your wife?

- Ah, better than nothing.

Oh, I see what you mean?

Oh, she's well, thank you for asking.

- Oh I say, there is
a plump little pigeon.

I wouldn't mind having a shot at that.

Oh, and she's wearing my favourite colour.

- Thank you.

Here, game for a little bet?

- Name it.

- I bet I have them off
her within 10 minutes.

- Done, I'll lay a pony.

(F.L. chuckling)

- There we go now, 0h.

(all chuckling)

Come on, Polly, come and get it,

come on girl, jump, jump.

Yes, you're a big girl.

You can fetch it, go on, Polly.

A fair win, don't you agree?

- Your bird, sir.

- [F.L.] Ha ha, gee, thanks.

- I'm just going to amuse meself

with a little bit of chicken.

Join us later?

- Look out, Polly, here comes Francis.

Five pound notes, Polly.

Would you like to play a
little paper chase game?

- Oh, I would, yes, Mr Dureneck.

- You got it.

We'll hide one there, one there

one there, one, no, two tucked in there.

One here.

One here

and starting taking them, Polly.

That's it.

(playful ragtime music)

- Oh, Mr. Dureneck.

(Polly moaning)

(playful piano music)

- ls that another pond 0r rising damp?

(jolting piano music)

- Here, if that Mr. Dureneck
makes a grab for you,

just watch it.

- Why?

- He's got more hands than an octopus.

- What have you been up to, then?

- Bit of hanky panky with the Yankee.

- Oh, you naughty girl.

- Haven't seen much you today, my dear.

- We were very busy, milord.

- Yes, I know, how about later?

- Yes, if you so wish.

- Yes, I'll come to your room

when the others have gone t0 bed.

- Two o'clock, nice?

- Yes.

- [Christabelle] Oh, Bishop,

is it still throbbing,

shall I kiss it better?

- Oh, 0h, 0h.

You really are a very
clever little actress.

- Better, yes?

- Considerably, yes.

- Oh there's gold in them thar hills ma'am

and I have the prospective spirit.

- Is two o'clock in the morning

a good time for that sort of thing, F.L.?

Some of the best shafts have been sunk

just at that moment, ma'am.

- Then come to my room
and stake your claim.

- That's two o'clock fixed.

Now, anyone for 10-ish?

Ma'am!

I challenge you to a dance.

- Accepted.

- D0 you want a drink?

He's more canned than I am.

- So sad

that one meets so few
Germans with titles nowadays,

Count Von Schilling.

- Yeah, they are disappearing one by one.

- Oh, what fun, Urigs!

- I can't believe it,
so young, so beautiful.

And you, a real Duchess.

- Well, I did marry Freddie,

one of the oldest dukes I could find.

- That can keep you very busy.

Why don't you and I

go for a little walk
in the garden, Duchess.

- You should say, "Your Grace."

- For what we are about to receive.

- Kitty, dear,

who is that nice young man you
were dancing with just now?

- Sir William Bag.

- Oh, is he a Bart?

- He was a Bart, a few minutes ago.

H0w'd you like t0 sink your
little teeth into my leg?

- Mm, this deviled crab's delicious.

I really can't resist it

although I know I shall pay for it later.

- The shellfish disagrees
with you, Bishop?

- I'm afraid so, yes.

- Me too.

I'm having the chicken.

- [Bishop] 0h, really?

- I just love the parson's nose.

(chuckling)

(sputtering)

- Hi there, Bish'.

Gotta hand it to Randy,

he's certainly put on a swell party.

- Yes, he's a grand chap.

I've known him for ages, actually.

He used to be my fag at Eton.

- Is that so?

Your fag?

I do admire the British,

they're so outspoken.

- I'm not very good at parties.

I get shy with so many people.

- Me too.

You know what I'd really like to do?

- What?

- Show you my laboratory.

- Well?

- I've had to lock it up for the weekend.

Pater said it would bore you.

- Oh, but it wouldn't.

I'd love to see it.

- Well, perhaps we could.

They'd get very angry.

- D0 we have t0 tell them?

- I suppose not.

Look, after everyone's gone to bed,

meet me in the hall

and I'll take you down to the dungeon.

It should be all clear about two o'clock.

- What an adventure.

I'll pretend I got a headache

and go t0 bed early.

Right.

- I beg pardon, miss.

- Sorry, my fault.

- I thought perhaps a little refreshment.

- Oh no, no thank you,

I don't want any, really.

I don't feel very well.

- You didn't upset the
young lady, your Lordship?

- Of course not.

- Then you will be seeing her
a little later on, perhaps?

- N0, definitely not.

You heard what she said,
she's going to her room.

I certainly will not
see her again tonight.

(sighs)

(tray clatters)

- You do realise I'm
the only groom here?

I mean, you are an honoured guest.

I mean, I don't wanna forget me place.

- If you do, you can
always come up to mine.

- Oh, very well, madam.

Just as long as you won't regret it.

- I may hate myself after

but before and during, wowee! (yells)

- [Hampton] Madam's glass needs filling.

- And that's not all.

Spoilsport.

- Carrying on with the
groom, Daisy, (tuts).

It's too much.

- Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

- You should behave yourself.

Remember who you are now.

I want a serious word with you.

~ Oh?

- Later.

Come to my room when
every0ne's gone t0 bed.

- Oh, I see.

I mustn't carry on with the groom

but it's all right with
the butler (giggles).

Okay.

- Here's to you, F.L.

- And to you, Cockshute.

You folks have been so kind to me.

I would like to apologise
for the Boston Tea Party.

- Ah, marry me, Kitty,

you'll have no more worries
for the rest of your life.

- I don't think it would work.

You know about nothing
about handling big estates.

- Ah, just let me t0 grips with it.

(water splashing)
(sneezing)

Ah, I think I'm developing
an allergy to water.

- I think this calls for a counsel of war.

I'll tell his Lordship.

Will you take Lady Kitty to the orangery?

- Yes, come on.

(spluttering)

(guests applauding)

- I don't care what it means,

I can't stand him any longer.

I can't even bear to talk to him.

- Don't blame you, my dear,

obnoxious blighter.

- Oh but Kitty, you're our only chance.

- Oh, disaster.

- Don't despair, milord.

I still have one ace up my sleeve.

Now those diamonds that
Mrs. Dureneck is wearing,

22 carat if I'm not mistaken.

- You're not suggesting that we should,

well, are you?

- With all these wealthy
guests, little burglary

might be just the thing.

Of course, milady, some of your
jewels would have t0 go to.

- But they're only copies.

- Exactly, but it will divert suspicion.

- Oh, Hampton, you're wonderful.

- Damn clever.

Just one thing.

- [Hampton] Yes, milord?

- Never done a burglary before.

How do we go about it?

- I think Rogers is our best bet.

He must go into Mrs. Dureneck's room

and pinch the jewels.

- And then into me for mine?

' Capital!

Well, that's all settled, then.

- N0, wait.

We must have a signal

so that we know when the deed is done.

- Good idea, milady.

Timing is essential.

I suggest that Rogers steals
the jewels before two o'clock.

Your job, Lady Kitty

is to see that he's out of your room

by a quarter to two.

That will give him 15 minutes

t0 steal Mrs. Dureneck's diamonds

and milady's trinkets.

Then, when we hear the
grandfather clock striking two,

we will know that all is clear

and the deed has been done.

- [Daisy] It's been lovely talking to you

about old times, Percy

but I better go.

- It's early yet.

- Oh, but I'm taking a risk as it is.

I mean, supposing Francis were to wake up

and wander into my room.

- One for "Auld Lang Syne."

J' Should auld acquaintance be forgot J'

(laughing)

- Ah, you know, you're still a
very attractive woman, Daisy.

The years have treated you lightly.

- Well, you haven't clone
so badly yourself, Perce.

- Darling Daisy.

Ah, do you remember the days

when I used to call for
you at the stage door

and walk you back through the park?

- How we used to cuddle on the park bench?

It's more comfortable
now though, ain't it?

- Ah, but in those days
when we were young,

who cared about hard
benches and cold nights?

We had each other, Daisy.

- Talking about it all makes
it seem just like yesterday.

Funny to think it's 19 years.

- 19 years, is it really?

19 year.

- Must be.

Betsy Ann has a birthday
coming up, I believe.

19, she tells me.

- Percy!

- Ah, so she is my daughter.

" Oh!

- And all these years,

you've been passing her
off on old Dureneck.

- Well what else could I do?

- I mean, 0h, oh!

You wouldn't tell Francis, would you?

You couldn't.

- Calm down, Daisy, calm down.

I only want what's best for the child.

Our child.

- It's past quarter t0 two.

You've got work to do.

- Oh, just five more minutes, milady.

(clock ticking)

- You must concentrate on the job in hand.

There'll be plenty of time for that later.

- You make it very
difficult, your Ladyship.

(moaning)

- Now don't forget the signal.

When the clock strikes two,

we all know you got the diamonds safely.

- I'm hardly likely to
forget that, milady.

(clock ticking)

- I want you to know
that we're very grateful

for what you're doing, Rogers.

I'll see that you are amply rewarded.

- Oh thank you, milady.

I'll remember that when I'm hard up.

Whoa!

- S0 Will I.

(clock ticking)

(clock creaking)

(suspenseful piano music)

(exciting intense music)

- Up, up, and away we come.

- Don't you mean away we go?

- Nein.

(ghostly wailing)

(suspenseful piano music)

(toilet flushing)

(clock ticking)

(clock chiming)

- Come along, Daisy, it's getting late.

Time we were both in bed.

" Oh!

- Alone, you're tired and overwrought.

A good night's sleep will work w0nders--

- But--
- Good night.

(clock chiming)

- Oh, God blimey.

I mean, goodness.

- Yes, I'm terribly sorry.

I didn't know you were there.

- Well, I had this ghastly dream, you see

and I woke up and ljust
didn't know where I was.

I must have been sleep walking.

- I say, terrible experience.

Don't sleep too well myself, you know.

I quite understand.

Can I show you to your room?

- Oh, thank you, your Earlship.

(ghostly wailing)

- Good evening, Archie,

nice night for a stroll?

- Hello, old chap.

Good evening, madam.

Not on pleasure bent I fear.

" N0?

- A slight stomach disorder.

It's my own fault.

I never could resist
your cook's concoctions.

Excuse me.

By the way, Randolph,

you better get that
clock of yours checked.

It stopped.

I've just managed to get it started again.

- Thank you, Archie.

Never say die.

- I didn't.

What lovely Plymouths.

- Plymouths?

- Rhyming slang, Plymouth Hoes, bosoms.

- Oh, your Lordship.

Isn't it a little bit public out here?

Why don't we go into my room?

- Oh God, no!

I didn't mean it like that, dear lady.

- What did you mean?

- Come into mine.

Much nicer, lovely view of the lake.

- Ah.

(suspenseful string music)

- Kitty.

Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!

(cat meows)

(cat meows)

(cat meows)

- Rogers, I've been waiting for you.

- Oh, I'm sorry, your Ladyship.

Where are yourjewels?

- Guess.

Oh, that's the first
place a thief would look.

Getting warmer.

Who's a clever boy, then?

- [Rogers] Thank you, your Ladyship.

- You better help rne off with this clasp.

- [Rogers] Oh, do hurry, your Ladyship.

It's like Epsom Racecourse out there

with everybody running up and down.

(giggling)

- Kitty, Kitty?

(shushiflg)

Oh, Kitty, I can't go on like this.

Put me out of my misery,
you tantalising creature.

Say you'll marry me.

Will ya?

(groans)

Yes?

(groans)

Beauty!

(playful ragtime music)

(Heidi crying)

- That's just how I feel.

Rat tat tat tat.

I've come for a night cap, my dear.

On second thoughts, for
the performance I intend,

they should give me a knighthood.

Tell me, do you like playing around

before 0r after making love?

- Yes.

(chuckles saucily)

(liquid bubbling)

- You're a genius, Perry, you really are.

- I wouldn't go so far as that.

- N0, really.

It's brilliant.

Papa would be really
fascinated by all this.

He's mad about gadgets.

May I bring him down here tomorrow?

- Well, if you think he'd like it.

- Oh, yes he would.

Papa's always...

Oh my goodness, papa!

Listen, thank you very much
for showing me your secret

but I think I'd better be going now.

- Thank you.

I've never met anyone like you before.

So understanding, s0--

- Yes?
- Wonderful.

- Oh.

Goodnight.

(toilet flushing)

(ghostly wailing)

- Esmerelda.

(Betsy Ann screams)

- Sounds as if the guests
are enjoying themselves.

- I say, have I hurt you?

- Don't kid yourself, Randy,

it's not me screaming.

- Me either.

Oh.

' My Wife!

Goodnight my dear.

See you later, with luck.

Hey, what the hell?

What are you doing in there?

(Heidi barking)

(Bishop wailing)

- Isn't that your girl lying there?

- Daisy, follow the chain.

- [Daisy] D0 something F.L., do something.

- Oh, what the hell's going on?

- I've done nothing, nothing.

- That's a bit strong, isn't it'?

I know every Bishop has to have his sea

but this is going too far.

(Bishop stammers)

And after all, the girl is a
guest in me house, you know.

- Yes, yes, but you surely--

- Ah, you've gone too far this time.

- You surely can't think that I,

oh, the poor young lady.

Oh, my dear young lady.

Are you all right?

Oh dear, I'm so very sorry.

(Betsy Ann screams)

- Kitty, what's that?

What's that strange ghoulies?

- Perry?

Thief, murder, rape!

- Can you make your mind up?

(Lady Bottomley screaming)

- Who's screaming?

' Rape?

- I insist on rape.

- N0 way, not on your nelly.

- You better get out,
get out the back way.

- Right you are, milady.

- Rape, rape I say.

Thief, murder, rape, murder, thief.

- My dear lady I--

- There's a thief in my room.

- Hello again.

- Oh lord, what a fracas.

- Send for the police immediately.

- A thief?

What on earth would a thief want here?

- Jewels, Randy, don't be silly.

- Perhaps it would be a good idea

if everyone checked their rooms

t0 see if anything is missing.

- What a good idea, Hampton.

Come on, Daisy.

- Yes.

- Tried to wrench the rings off me finger,

woke me up he was so violent.

- Rogers must have taken
leave of his senses.

Lady Bottomley, if I may search your room.

- Oh, no need, knocked him out cold.

He can't have escaped,
must be here somewhere.

Close the window.

- My diamonds are missing!

- And my rings, too.

- Good gracious, excuse me, milady.

With your Lordship's permission,

I think we should send for the constable.

(voices overlap one another)

- [F.L.] I mean,

we can't have you bashing
the Bishop, my dear.

- [Peregrine] Perhaps
you should go to bed.

- [Betsy Ann] Oh no, I
couldn't possibly sleep,

not after all that.

Come on, Perry let's show
papa your new invention.

- [Hampton] May I suggest
that we all go d0wnstairs--

(voices overlap one another)

- [Lady Cockshute] There's
a good idea, Hampton.

(gutter squeaking)

(gutter clattering)

(water splashing)

- I think it's much
better if F.L. goes down

t0 see Perry's invention alone.

The dungeon is so cold.

- Just don't distress yourself.

Oh, let's have a drink.

- Yes, I could use a good stiff one.

- I think I can provide that, madam.

(glasses clinking)

- Oh, well done, my boy.

Make it eh, the bed?

Well don't let me disturb you,

you deserve a rest
after your hard labours.

- Oh, very well milord.

As matter of fact, I was looking for you.

- Really?

- Yes, to deliver this.

- I say, well done my boy, well done.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

Better give this to Hampton straightaway.

He was wondering where you were.

- Was he?

- Yes, thought you'd gone down, actually.

- I was just about to.

- Excellent, excellent,

well let's go and find Hampton, then.

(Lord Cockshute chuckling)

You've done a darn good job there, Rogers.

Come along.

- Oh, (speaking in foreign language).

- Yes, very clever my boy, very clever

but I don't know what to make of it.

- Well, I thought of covers for plants.

- Mater has such trouble.

- N0, no, you must get something
t0 grab the imagination.

- Oh, you'll think of something, papa,

you always do.

- Yeah, sorry to disappoint you, honey

but you see, I don't know what
one can with this, this...

(ragtime music)

(floorboards clattering)

(liquid sploshing)

- Let me out, let me out of here--

- Great suffering catfish.

(Snotty mumbles)

- Ah, found him.

Oh yes, I'd know that
criminal face anywhere.

- Oh, you Blaggard.

- Why, it's Snotty.

Where's Rogers?

- He's here with me.

He's got the jewels.

- [Lady Bottomley] Let me
get at him, you rapist.

I'll have ya.

- Not here, milord.

- [Lady Bottomley] Take that and that.

- Great this stuff, I didn't realise

it would stretch that far.

- Oh, there's no limit.

- Strong, too.

You can't escape.

- Yes, this rubber can take
any amount of pressure.

- Interesting.

Wet inside yet dry outside.

- [Lady Bottomley] Let me get at you.

Sit still.

- [Snotty] Stop that!

- You can feel through it, too.

- Of course, it's so thin,

you can hardly notice it.

- Great.

Great!

- [Lady Bottomley] You filthy beast.

I'll have you.

- I've got it.

We are gonna make our fortune.

- Dureneck, our name is going
t0 be 0n everyb0dy's lips.

My boy, you and I have
a lotto talk about.

- Oh, papa!

(chuckling)

- Perry, 0h, lovely.

- Okay, what's the deal?

- Well, I haven't really
thought about it yet.

- His young Lordship is too modest.

We have given a certain
amount of consideration

t0 the subject, haven't we, milord?

- Anything you say, Hampton.

- Shall we say 100,000 pounds down

and 50% 0f the profits?

- I say, Hampton,

do you think we can aff0rd--

- Done, and none of your
putting up the prices,

a deal is a deal.

Ah, how does it feel to be a rich man?

- I don't really know yet.

- A boy after my own heart,

you're going to be a self-made man.

I too am a self-made
man, so was my father.

When he started, he started
with just his bare hands.

And three or 400 slaves.

- Evening all.

- Ah, good evenin', young Harbottle.

Come in.
- Evenin', milord.

Having a spot of bother, I understand?

- We've had a robbery

and we believe we may have
apprehended the thief.

- Ah, guilt written all over his face.

And what might your name be?

- Balderdash!

- Use an alias, are we, Mr. Shuttleworth?

You can't fool me.

- [Lady Bottomley] I'm
looking for his weapon.

- We knew you'd want to
search him straightaway

so we kept him here.

- Very wise, Mr. Hampton, very wise.

- He hasn't got one.

- Yes, always suspected that, Hampton.

Voice didn't break 'til he was 20.

- I remember, milord, yeah.

- Come on, Lady Bottomley,
if you please, madam.

Now, upstairs, Mr. Shuttleworth.

UP YOU 90 Sir, up you go.

Come on, sir, up, 0h.

Madam.

- [Lady Bottomley] You rapist, rape!

- The jewels, the jewels!

- Oh, the jewels.

- Most appaling privations.

I'm just a simple lad
come up from Down Under.

Ah, hello?

- Caught red-handed.

- I didn't put them
there, somebody else did.

- Who on earth would do a thing like that?

- The guy's trying to wriggle out of it.

- You'd better come along with me, sir.

You'll have plenty of
chance to make a statement

down at the station.

- That's right, there we go.

- You'll regret this.

All of you.

- That's enough, Balderdash,
I mean Shuttleworth.

It's outrageous.

I'm at a loss for words.

To abuse my hospitality like this.

Go and never darken rne doorstep again.

- It won't be your doorstep much longer.

I'll have the lot of you out of here

by the end of the month.

- I think not.

I shall send you my cheque tomorrow.

- I insist on escorting
him to his cell in person.

Come.

- [Snotty] Help.

- Pater, couldn't I send him the cheque?

- That's the one I'm talking about, lad.

- Peregrine, my boy,

I really like you.

- Oh, if only Betsy Ann had been a boy,

you always wanted a son.

- Perhaps he could have
the next best thing.

- What's that?

- A son-in-Iaw.

- Yes, a son-in-law.

- A son-in-Iaw, 0h Perry, darling.

I know we're all gonna
get on just fine together.

Already I feel so much closer to you.

- Oh thank you, mater-in-law.

(gentle piano music)

- [Lady Cockshute] Oh,
Hampton, you're wonderful.

- Always my pleasure to serve.

_ [Au] Hampton.

(gentle string music)

- Good morning.

A beautiful day.

The sun's int' sky,

Lord Cockshute is in his bath

and all's well with the world.

- Mm, breakfast.

I really feel like it this morning.

Percy.

(speaking in foreign language)

J' Always my pleasure to serve my lady J'

J' Always my pleasure to serve J'

J' Your slightest wishes J'

J' My heart's desire J'

J' One word from you sets my soul on fire J'

J' Always my pleasure to serve my lady J'

J' My love for you will not swerve J'

J' For I only long to be by your side J'

J' From morning 'til eventide J'

J' Here I go, there I go, J'

J' One face I see smiling at me J'

Ilsittobef

J' Twirling round, twirling round J'

J' Haunting my brain J'

J' Tell me oh tell me it's not in vain J'

J' I lie awake and I dream of holding you J'

J' Night after night without sleeping J'

J' Say that you know what
I feel in my heart J'

J' Here is enough for the keeping J'

J' Always my pleasure to serve my lady J'

J' My life is being with you J'

J' Travel the world and
you'll find rne there J'

J' No matter where if
there's love t0 share J'

J' If you will give me
your heart, my lady, J'

J' I'll strain each sinew and nerve J'

J' Morning and night just to send to you J'

J' Always my pleasure to serve J'