All language subtitles for Taskmaster (NZ) - s01e05 - Unhealth Must Be Dead_eng

Ta-da!

Oh!

Nutsack!

Welcome one and all to the
fifth episode of Taskmaster.

My name is Jeremy Wells,
and I am the Taskmaster.

Earlier this year, I gave
five comedians a set of tasks

to complete at
a secret location.

They attempted to complete
those tasks with guts, passion,

and quite often a completely
undeserved sense of self-confidence.

No one knows how
each other has done.

And tonight, I'll be watching what
they did and judging how they did it.

After 10 brutal episodes,
we'll crown a winner,

and they will receive this ―

my golden noggin,

as noble and stoic as the heads on the
statues they pulled down for being racist.

Let's introduce our wonderful
comedians tonight.

They are Angella Dravid

Brynley Stent

Guy Williams

Leigh Hart

and Madeleine Sami.

And I suppose I should
also introduce my assistant,

the man who oversees
task administration,

answers my phone and tells
my children I love them for me.

It's Mr. Paul Williams.

I'd actually- right at
the top of the show,

I'd like to make a quick
apology, if that's ok.

This is unusual, but yes.

'Most rappers were told by their teachers
that they would never amount to anything.

'I was the opposite.

'My teacher was adamant that I was
going to make it as a professional rapper.'

'This was never my dream, but she quit her
teaching job to become my manager.

'Mrs. Fitchett, I am so
sorry I let you down.'

Aww.

Thanks for that, Paul,
and off the back of that,

I'll be seeking an apology
for you wasting our time.

I can actually do
that now as well.

No, no, don't do that. No, no, no.
Sit down. I don't need you to do it.

All right. Let's start things off, Paul,
with a good old-fashioned prize task.

Tonight, each competitor has been asked
to bring in something they own.

The person who brings in
the best thing gets five points.

By the end of tonight's show, all
those things will be owned by one person-

the person with the most points.

And what specifically were
they asked to bring in tonight?

Tonight - the most
beloved family heirloom.

I can't wait to see
these priceless heirlooms.

Leigh, I believe you're up first.

My great grandfather, of
course, was very learned,

and I inherited his whole
library when he passed on.

Wow!

And that was ― Well, that's
only a small part of it, actually.

But if Paul can just give me that...

It was only when I got home I realised that
it's all foam-backed, most of it,

and there's not a lot
of reading in there.

And did your parents bring you up
reading these fake books?

Oh, we weren't allowed
to touch them. I can see why now.

So, um... Hemingway.
Oh, yeah, right

Angella, what did you bring in?

So when I was in- I,
uh, got arrested, um...

and I was sentenced
to stay in a bail hostel...

for two years,
and my mum sent me a bra.

- Right.
- So...

So this is...

This is the bra that my
mum sent me when I was...

when I was doing time.

What was your mum thinking
when she gave you a bra?

She was like,
'My daughter needs support.'

Brynley, what did
you bring in for us?

So, when I was growing up,
my Oma had a set of cake forks

in a beautiful little box.

- So that's them.
- Aww.

That little note in there that
she knew how much I loved them,

so she wrote in there,

'These are for Brynley,'
so when she dies, they go to me.

- Wow!
- Yeah.

Wow.

We might have to
amend that to say,

'These are for whoever wins episode
five of Taskmaster New Zealand.'

The funny thing is she's still alive, so I
actually just borrowed them off her.

So I really need them back.

I bet she didn't realise that-
given away on a half-arsed gameshow.

Madeleine, what did you bring in?

I drunkenly purchased this medallion
picture of the Pink and White Terraces.

It's got considerable water
damage there from a leak in my flat,

but I can't throw it away.

Did you ever go
when they were around?

Yes, I did, actually. I got a
special, a GrabOne, and, um...

in 1886.

God, it was ― it was fun.

Went out in the waka and saw the
steam coming up and had a little soak,

and it was really lovely.

Guy Williams, what
did you bring in for us?

Well, there's a photo of a horse
that my dad owned, like, 4% of,

and it won the Wellington Cup.

- Mm!
- So my dad

got this weird photo
montage made.

Yeah, it looks like
it's got a peg leg.

Yeah!

- No, that was-
- Is that what it was famous for?

That was Pasta Post's
great maneuver,

it ran with one leg
that was very straight.

You said he won
the Wellington Cup.

Yeah.

He came 10th.

- Still good. Still pretty good.
- No.

I feel like you just swiped
this from, like, an RSA somewhere.

No! No, that's a
photo ― That's my dad.

He's holding the
horse in a grey jacket.

That's Gazza. And it's the
pride of our family. And I ―

Doesn't sound like it's
the pride of your family.

I challenge Paul right
now to say an heirloom

in our family that's
better than this.

Can't do it.

This is the best our family's got.
I think it's pretty good.

I don't. I'm gonna give
you one point for it.

Just because the
name Pasta Post.

- It's a shocking name.
- So one point for you, Guy.

Two points for Leigh,

because I feel like you keep bringing
in the same books week in, week out.

Well, I do, to be honest with you.

Brynley, I reckon three points for you,
because those could be quite useful,

particularly if you don't
go so well on this series,

and you have to go to Cash
Converters to get $3 or $4.

How dare you?

Madeleine,
I'll give you four points,

cuz yours is the only
one with any artistic merit.

Thank you.

And five points
for you, Angella,

because I'm terrified that you will
attempt to murder me at some stage.

So, what does that
make the standings, Paul?

Angella is currently in the lead, and the
other four are currently not in the lead.

All that can change
in just one task.

So, shall we look at
one of them, then?

Let's crack into it. Here's a
task, and this one involves an egg.

- Hello, Leigh.
- Hola. Como estas?

An egg on a desk.

- Hello, Angella.
- Hello.

- Hello, Guy.
- Hello, Paul.

- Yum.
- Do you like eggs?

Love eggs. Huge egg fan.

I wanna touch the egg before I read the
task, but I'm gonna follow protocol here.

'Blow this egg the
furtherest from the table.'

'Furtherest egg wins.'

'You have five minutes...'

'...or until the egg breaks.'
Until the egg breaks?

Finish reading, please.

Ooh, I might not finish. You can't
start the time until I stop reading.

That's quite an interest twist, eh?
I screwed you there, didn't I?

'Your time starts now.'

Please read the rest of the task.

'Furtherest egg wins.

You have five minutes
or until the egg breaks.'

Finish reading it, please.

No, I'm not gonna
finish reading it.

- Wait, is it-? It's a raw egg.
- Yeah.

How...? Ok.

Now, this is a very simple task ― blow the
egg as far from the table as you can.

If the egg breaks,
that's when we take a measurement.

Ok, so what's important probably
here is you need to somehow

land the egg safely
and softly. Am I right?

Yeah. It would probably need some
sort of cushioning of some sort.

- Shall we get into it?
- Let's get into it.

It's Guy time, baby.

All right. 'Your time starts...

'n...

'n-now!' All right, here we go.

Oh, well, that was fun
See you later.

- Thank you, Guy.
- Thank you.

Ok, so when you get the tasks, you know
that they're filming you for television,

that's the whole idea.

The weird thing is
watching that is I just blew it.

It broke, and then
I just walked off.

- Yep. Well, how far did it go?
- 22cm.

- I'm in the lead.
- What, you're happy with that?

- He is in the lead.
- You're happy with that.

I was actually gonna
throw to an ad break,

but I don't think it's fair to the audience
to leave them on that particular note.

I think that's unfair.
What else have you got for me, Paul?

I've got two contestants who made
the controversial decision to try.

Its Brynley and Angella.

- I might get a blow dryer.
- Ok.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I can put it on
the paper. Doesn't say that I can't.

This is gonna be tricky.

Yeah.

- Is that blowing it?
- No!

But it doesn't say that I can’t touch it.
It just says 'blow it the furtherest'.

- Hey.
- One minute.

Oh!

Here we go.

Oh!

Don't go down the drain.

20 seconds.

Oh no!

Oh God.

How'd you find that?

Exhilarating?
I don't know. Sorry.

Do you think moving it on
a bit of paper is blowing it?

No, but, you know, sometimes my
brain works, like, sometimes smart,

and then it just stops,
and then the smart stops.

'Sometimes my brain works, and then
the smart sometimes just stops.'

Yeah.

So, does everyone
else think that's fair

that we're getting the egg
down on a piece of paper?

- No!
- Well-

She should have blown
it like a man, like me.

How long did it take you
to get the blow dryer?

Um, I had to ask my management
if I could ask make-up to get ―

So there was a lot of
admin before I got it.

So, Angella- 2.78m

Ooh.

And, Brynley,
if we're accepting it- 2.88m.

Ooh!

Ok.

Now, I know we'd all love to sit
around and watch eggs get blown all night,

but we live in a capitalist
society that requires someone

to pay for all that egg-blowing.

So let's watch some ads,
and we'll see you in a bit.

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where our five rivals are competing for
some fake books and a prison bra.

It doesn't get more
gripping than this

Paul, how are they going about this?

We're trying to find out who can
blow an egg the furtherest from a table.

The distance to beat is 2.88m.

Ok. Who's left to give it a go?

We've got the two
most senior contestants,

which means they
should be the two wisest.

But are they the two best at
blowing eggs long distances?

Let's find out.

It's Leigh Hart and Madeleine Sami.

- Can I source some things?
- Yeah.

Tempted to get the leaf blower.

Ow! My fucking head.

Ok, I'll see if I can start this.

Making a channel here, Paul.
It's all about speed and velocity.

Ok, it's gonna work.

Oh, for...

Do I get another egg?

Fuck it.

- What's happened?
- It broke.

I just talked you through that.

That wasn't- That was
a bit of a false start there.

I actually forgot I had
the egg in my hand

when I was trying to
sort something out here.

Do you have another egg on you,
though, just so I could...?

I could possibly
get you another egg.

Yeah, cool.

Just wanna demonstrate
for the home viewer

what's possible when
physics and logic are combined.

I think I got a big gung-ho
with the sound of the leaf blower, and

I just went for it.

That's what I'm talking about,
Paul! That's what I'm talking about!

I kinda thought it would fly.
You know? I thought it would...

And it didn't.

And thus, the task has ended.

Yeah, your line, 'It's just
amazing what happens

when physics and
logic are combined.'

Oh, look, do you know how much trial and
error went into putting a man on the moon?

You know, they didn't get it right the very
first time, did they? Rockets blew up.

So we're not measuring my
second one, Paul, at all?

I did measure your second one, and
I can confirm that it would not have won.

But your first egg did go 29cm, but
he broke it at 0cm; let's be real.

And, Madeleine, 33cm.

- 33cm.
- Yes.

Yeah, I sort of thought,
as the Dux Ludorum,

that you would've been better
at starting up that leaf blower,

- but you had a few issues.
- Ah, you know what

I had a bit of a love
affair with the leaf blower.

That doesn't sound
good, does it?

No, that came out funny,
didn't it, me saying that?

No, but it often
clouded my brain-

the excitement of the
sound, the smell of the petrol.

And, in Madeleine's defense, I also had
trouble starting the leaf blower.

And I think that put us
under pressure a little bit.

So when it- that's why I did rush...

kind of blew my load early
a bit on that one.

- Yeah, I feel like ―
- The channel was smart, though.

This is the fifth episode
of Taskmaster,

and we have seen that leaf blower,
I mean, pretty much every episode.

- I didn't see it at all.
- Same here.

I've been looking for any
excuse to use it.

So, where does that put
everybody in terms of the lengths?

- If we're counting Brynley...
- Yeah, no, we count Brynley.

No, what?!

Yeah, if we accept Brynley, then
we also have to accept Angella's,

and I think we should
accept both of them.

Does the audience like Brynley's?

Well, that backfired
in my face, didn't it?

So, Leigh- 0cm.

Guy- 22cm.

- Madeleine- 33cm.
- Oh, middle of the pack, eh?

Angella- 2.78m.
And Brynley- 2.88m.

Ok, so there we go.

Shall we have a look at the scoreboard,
then, and see where everyone’s sitting?

Yes, we shall. Currently in
joint last place, Guy and Leigh.

Out in first, with nine points,
is Angella Dravid.

First time.

Everything can and will change.

Paul, lather me up another task,
will you?

Certainly. This task,
however, isn't very good for you.

- Hello, Guy.
- How's it going?

- How are you?
- Good, thank you.

- Mm?
- Yeah.

Ooh! What's this, then?

I regret doing that.

'Be as unhealthy
as possible.'

'You have 10 minutes to plan,...'

'...then 10 seconds
to be unhealthy.'

'Your 10 seconds will
start when you shout,'

'Let's get this party started.'

'Unhealthiest wins.'

'Let's get this party started.'

Let's get
this party started!

- Wait, you're starting?
- Oh, I've got 10 minutes.

Yeah, but you just-
you just yelled it.

Oh, sorry, ok. I'll- I'm gonna
retract. Can I retract that?

You did just shout it, though.

I know, but I'm gonna retract
that if that's all right. It's- yeah.

- I'll let you. I'll let you retract it.
- 10 minutes.

I think everything
I am right now is unhealthy.

We're not allowed
to break the law, eh?

Cuz, like, some P would
be really helpful right now.

I'm thinking of
drinking a bottle of meths.

Just standing here in the sun's pretty
unhealthy. Like, naked. I could get naked.

I'm not gonna get naked.
Not gonna happen.

Can I just chew on some asbestos?

So, fat isn't that bad.
Maybe it's carbs. Maybe it's bread.

Mm. Lazing around,
pulling out your eyelashes.

Am I allowed to climb
on top of the caravan?

I'll think about
something really unhealthy.

I guess you could have
unhealthy relationships with people.

Yeah.

I'm quite a healthy guy sort of naturally,
so it's gonna be hard to... pull that back.

- Dead.
- Being dead?

Well, yeah. If health is alive,
then unhealth must be dead.

Don't do it.

I like that. 'Unhealth
must be dead.'

More sound logic has never
been spoken on television.

Sounds like we're about to see
some nudity, violence or both.

Who are we gonna watch first?

First up, we have a particularly
self-loathing attempt from Brynley Stent.

Hello. My name is Brynley Stent,

and I'm about to have an
unhealthy relationship with myself.

Booty call my ex-boyfriend,
eat this doughnut

even though it inflames my
polycystic ovary syndrome

and smoke the first cigarette
I've ever smoken in my life.

Here we go.

- Hello. Eli speaking.
- Hey, Eli. It's Bryn.

- Hey, Bryn. How you going?
- Let's get this party started!

You're a piece of shit.

You're a fucking- You can't
dance. You can't do any-

Hey, um, what are
you up to tonight?

Um, I've got a show
on. I've got a gig.

What about afterwards?

After the gig, I'll probably
go home, get an early night.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, let me call you back. I'm just
in the middle of something. See ya.

Do I have any regrets?

Yes.

Do you miss him?

Nah. But now I've got
a lot of explaining to do.

I'm gonna have to text him back.

Did you actually ask
to have sex with him?

No, I said, 'What are you up to tonight?
And then he said he was busy.

Did you eat any of the doughnut, which
was gonna inflame your polycystic ovaries?

Yep, yeah, I ate the doughnut.

I also- I kept eating the doughnut
after the task cuz I was stressed.

- Ok, who's up next?
- Up next, we have Madeleine Sami.

And before I screen this one,
I would like to say that

this was filmed
before the pandemic.

Oh no. I can't remember.

Ok, guys, you know the rules.

Let's get this party started.

Wow.

That's disgusting.

It's ok. Throw it away.

Oh no! Bushfire!
Put it out! Put it out!

Oh, yeah, who could forget
those glory days pre-COVID-19

when it was ok to get eight men
to cough on you

God, it was such a
different time, wasn't it?

Such an innocent time. Um...

It probably started the pandemic.

Yep, I was the
original superspreader.

And what you
didn't see off screen

is we actually started a
forest fire after that as well,

so it got even worse and
more unhealthy for the planet-

not just my lungs,
but the planet's lungs.

You're welcome.

Ok. It's time now for everyone to
do the healthiest thing possible,

and that's watch three minutes worth
of paid advertising while sitting still.

We'll see you soon.

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

the show that is as competitive
as it is ultimately meaningless.

Paul, what are we in
the middle of doing here?

Everyone is trying to do
something extremely unhealthy

in the space of 10 seconds.

Brynley smoked one cigarette.
Madeleine smoked 30 times that many.

If that trajectory keeps up, we're about
to watch Angella smoke 900 cigarettes.

Please tell me that's the case.

Not quite, but she
may as well have.

Here's Angella being unhealthy.

Let's get this party started!

Angella died drowning in a vat
of butter from a heart attack.

Her last moments were spent stalking
her ex-boyfriend's girlfriend on Insta

and replying to a dick pic. RIP.

Do you feel unhealthy?

Yeah.

- Thank you, Angella.
- Thank you.

God.

How far through the eulogy
did you actually get?

I read it all, but I just- Yeah, my pacing
was a bit off for the last little RIP bit.

Yeah, Paul did great.

There's a weird thing
going on between you two.

Yeah, I was gonna bring
that up again, Jeremy.

Are you a bit worried about this
dynamic- how it's starting to-

There's no dynamic.

- I dunno.
- There's a dynamic that-

Now it's started getting into that, kind
of, German, kind of, death porn thing.

Is there any other German porn?

Oh my God. Not for me.
I like them alive. Fuck.

Oh my God!

What's up next?

Up next, we have an unhealthy
offering from Guy Williams.

So what I'm gonna do is I'm going
to smoke a packet of cigarettes,

then down a burger,

fries and cola, all while
receiving a horrific sunburn

and scrolling social media with
a cell phone that's 5G near my testicles,

while thinking negative thoughts

and not wearing sunglasses
while looking into the sun.

All right.
Let's get this party started.

Time up. Stop.

Put the drink down.

- How was that?
- Horrific.

Guy, your plan was
quite well thought out.

Thank you.

- It was just poorly executed.
- Story of my life.

He actually did not consume any
of the fast food. We have a replay of that.

So, that's where the whistle went off,
right there. If we freeze it there.

But as you can
see from that photo,

I'm really soaking up the
harmful ultraviolet rays.

I've got the cell phone in my
pocket just frying my testicles.

I'm still in pretty
bad shape there.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, nowadays, what you got was
actually just a healthy dose of vitamin D.

So that was actually quite healthy.

- Who else have we got to go?
- We've got one more.

This effort is from the
wickedly talented Leigh Hart.

Now, look, I've be doing
a quick calculation,

and I've worked out hard to be as
unhealthy as I can in 10 seconds,

I need to ingest about
36,500 calories.

So what I'm going to do is make a
kind of an anti-sports smoothie in a way.

We'll just add a bit of
bourbon to this, corn chips.

For ultimate calories, you add
a couple of the pizza, chocolate.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Oh my God!

You and blenders.

Let's get this party started!

No more. No more.

How was that?

Slightly too many
nachos there, I think.

Talk us through
your thinking there.

It's fairly
straightforward I thought.

Similar to what everyone else
is trying to do in many ways,

but actually achieving it.

I would say.

So in total, 3,431 calories,

which was 9.5% of what he promised.

And I had the
Exercycle there as well,

just as a visual reference as-
I was clearly nowhere near it.

A small detail as well-

he actually took the seat off of
the Exercycle so no one could use it.

That is very unhealthy if you to
be using Exercycle without a seat.

Or surprisingly pleasant.

Roll that footage.

All right. Shall we score up?
I think, Guy, you get one point.

Well, you set out to achieve so
much, and then you delivered so little.

Brynley, I think you get two points. Leigh,
you get three, cuz that looked rough,

and then going back for
the second scull of that-

Yeah, but wasn't that the
whole point of the task?

You can't judge me
for overachieving on it.

Oh, no, I think it
was pretty unhealthy.

But I just don't think it was unhealthy as
Angella's effort, which was death,

and, ultimately,
is totally unhealthy.

And then, Madeleine, I thought was
super-unhealthy, causing a pandemic.

I'm so sorry.

I just want to say the producers
of the show did an incredible job

getting that Wuhan bat
story off the ground.

All right. Onward and upward, then.
What have you got next for me, Paul?

Would you believe it?
Yet another task.

This one isn't as hands-on
as some of the others.

- Hi.
- Hello, Brynley.

- Hi, Paul.
- Hello, Madeleine.

Hello, Paul.

There's a hand in there.

Ooh!

- How are ya?
- Good, thank you.

Thank you, wooden hand.

'Do the most
impressive thing hands-free.'

'Most impressive thing done
without using your hands wins.'

'You have 30 minutes.
Your time starts now.'

Hmm.

I might go look in the shed and just see if
there's any inspiration in there.

Ok.

- Have we got a whiteboard?
- I think so.

I don't need it. Um...

The obvious one
to go for is feet,

but I don't want to unleash
my feet on the nation.

What are the things that you always use
your hands for is the main thing.

Masturbating? I suppose
that'd be a challenge-

for the network more than me.

Aah!

Not that.

I would actually pay
good money for a show

that was just Guy losing
his teeth one by one

while trying to play
golf with his mouth.

I'm sure he'd be keen.
He's probably available.

Yeah!

Right. I'd love to see some
impressive hands-free activities.

But first, what should you
at home pay good money for?

Well, we're going to give you some options
in the form of advertisements.

We'll see in a moment.

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

and an extra-special welcome to
anyone who's watching this right now

on a TV which is on mute in
the corner of a fast-food store.

You are the reason
that we do what we do.

Paul, explain to everyone
what's going on.

We're about to watch five
comedians try to do something impressive

without using their hands,

and you're going to decide who
is the most impressive.

I certainly am. Who's first up?

It's Angella Dravid
and Brynley Stent.

Maybe something artistic.

I'm gonna paint a masterpiece
not using my hands.

I might do a drawing with
my mouth. Yeah, that's good.

What should I paint?

Maybe you. I'll draw you.

- Ok.
- Yeah?

Ok, let's try and do... I think
it's it Edward Monkton, is it? The Scream.

- You wanna use the easel or...?
- Mm. Should I get it?

As long as I don't use my hands.

Ok.

Stay. Stay where you are.

Oh!

It looks kinda like Elmo,
but, like, from your nightmares.

Ok.

Oh, nutsack!

It's ok, guys.
We're trailblazing on.

I feel like I'm looking like
I'm making out with a table.

God, if this isn't a pathetic
display of humanity right here.

Ok.

Fuck.

30 seconds.

Last touches.

Your nose is quite big in this,
but it's not in real life. Sorry.

It's ok.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Angella.

- All right. Thanks, Paul.
- Thank you, Brynley.

I might get that framed.

Hey, Brynley. Brynley, who
did you say painted The Scream?

Oh, I got it wrong.

Yeah, I said Edward
Monkton, who is a-

I think a greeting card
artist, potentially, yeah.

While not responsible for
The Scream, he did give the world

'Giraffes can't dance' and 'Captain
Flynn and the Pirate Dinosaurs'.

Actually both good books. And I
actually have read both of those books.

I was interested,
Brynley, in the fact that

you didn't use your
feet to set up the easel.

No, well, production was really
nice to me, and they put it there for me.

Brynley just asked if I would set it up
when Angella really took it upon herself.

I didn't realise I could
ask someone to put the easel up.

She spent 3:52 setting up her
easel, which was 13% of her time.

- Shall we have a look at the final results?
- Yes.

Because, you know what?
You know what,

interestingly, there's a bit of starry,
starry night, a bit of Van Gogh there.

And then in Angella's, her drawing
of Paul looks like Vincent Van Gogh.

Who's next?

You may remember them
as the leaf blower gang.

It's Madeleine Sami and Leigh Hart.

- Tying a shoelace would be hard.
- Yeah.

Hello, Leigh.

Thanks, fellas.

Gidday, Paul. How are ya?

Placing it with my hands. That
shall be the last time I use them.

Today, Paul, I'm gonna be
Hannibal Lecter consuming, uh,

what looks like a couple
of litres of milk hands-free.

These are clean shoes,
so this is not disgusting.

Put my elbow on there.

Hmm.

Can't understand
what you're saying.

The tongue's coming out.
Sexy tongue... action.

- One minute.
- Well, I'm not gonna get it done,

but I'll try and make it
look like it's done.

I think
I've made my point.

- What's the point?
- Well, the point is get points,

and I know that the
Taskmaster's a film buff,

and I think he's
gonna appreciate this.

Thank you, Madeleine.

Ok, bye.

Uh, fellas,
can you get me out of here?

Tell you what- I've got a brand-new
respect for Hannibal Lector now.

- Thank you, Leigh.
- Thanks, mate.

Leigh, you've known
me for probably 20 years.

Mm.

What made you think that I
wanted to see you dressed up

as Hannibal Lecter
sculling 100ml of milk?

I do recall you on
one occasion saying

that Silence of the Lambs is
one of your favourite movies.

And I just clocked that, and when
the opportunity came up,

I thought, what the hell.
I'll go for that.

And I think I should probably get a couple
of extra points- not that I need 'em-

for being lactose
intolerant as well.

Surely that's worth a couple.

Madeleine was the only person
to use all 30 minutes. And...

I wanna personally say watching
Madeleine tie a shoelace for 30 minutes

was one of the most boring...

...30 minutes of my life.

Oh, it made me so angry.
I was so angry.

Mm. I think everyone
who was there was angry.

Yeah.

Hey, there must be only one person's
impressive hands-free thing to go.

That's true,
and it's Guy Williams.

Ok. My name is Guy Williams,

and I'm going to flick this bucket
off the ground and on to my head.

And if I do it first time,
it'll be genuinely impressive.

Yeah, get the cameras ready.
This'll be a good one.

Yes!

Anything is possible!

Believe in dreams!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

You look very happy
with yourself there.

It's the best thing
I've ever done in my life.

- Have you done that before or not?
- I've never done that before, no,

but I was just so stoked,
and dreams can come true.

You claimed anything is possible.
And I agree.

For example, it's
possible that using editing,

we can make it look like
you did that in one attempt.

Here's another look.

My name is Guy Williams,

and I'm going to flick this bucket
off the ground and on to my head.

And if I do it first time,
it'll be genuinely impressive.

Yeah, the cameras ready.
This'll be a good one.

That was a warm up; doesn't count.

Ow. I may receive a light
concussion from doing this.

Oh! Fah!

Oh!

Oh, that was it. That was it.

I can't even do it with my hands.

Yes!

Anything is possible!

Believe in dreams!

Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy.

The funny thing is I didn't
remember that that footage existed.

I thought I did it in one go.

How many attempts in total?

31 attempts in total.
Still pretty good.

He also spent 13 minutes
attempting to kick his jandal

up and catch it in his mouth.

Oh yeah!

Look, I think it's fair to say that
Mads only deserves one point,

because that was truly boring.

- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
- A lot of people questioned

their careers in television,

soundies gave up,
camera operators...

- It was just so boring.
- It's fair. It's fair.

- Leigh, entertaining.
- Yep.

But not very
impressive, unfortunately.

In what way?

You looked like you
were waterboarding yourself,

but without water; with milk, like a
demented New Zealand Guantanamo Bay.

Oh well.

Guy, impressive, but
been 31 attempts means

that you're only
gonna get three points.

Brynley, impressive drawing.

And I think everyone probably
agrees here, but an imitation.

So, unfortunately, we have
to mark you down for that.

So four points for you,
and five points for Angella,

because, gotta say, that was a very
impressive drawing with your mouth.

We've only got one more thing to do in this
episode, and that's a big old live task.

We'll see you for that after this.

Welcome back to episode five
of Taskmaster.

In just a short moment,
we will have crowned a winner,

and one person will take home
four priceless family heirlooms

and a picture of Guy William's
dad's horse.

All right, Paul,
who's on top so far?

Currently, Guy's in last place,
with seven points,

and way out in front on
18 points is Angella Dravid.

Wow!

All right. That sets the scene
perfectly for a riveting final task,

and it's all
happening right here.

Let's head to the stage.

This set-up, Paul, has me
hungry for a live, tasty task.

Who's gonna read it out?

Why not Leigh Hart?

Ow!

- Big call.
- Go, Leigh.

'Spell the longest word, using only
letters from your bowl of alphabet soup.

'Longest word wins.'

'You have 100 seconds.'

- You all understand the task?
- Yes.

Ok, so I'm gonna ask
you to unveil your soup,

and then I'm gonna
blow my whistle to start.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

Oh God. It's hard. It's slippery.

Oh my gosh. Is that a 'Q'?
I can't even tell.

It's really hard. There's
a lot of soup here.

There's a lot of soup
and a lot less alphabet.

- Could I buy a vowel, please, Jeremy?
- No, you can't.

This is so hard.

So, obviously, if you don't
put any word at all together,

then I'm saying that you'd
be disqualified for that.

So you got 42 seconds.

- Can anyone lend me an 'R'?
- No. It's just so gummy.

How's Madeleine going? She looks like
she's really enjoying that. Look at her.

Oh God.

- You've got 17 seconds.
- Oh.

Ok, when the whistle blows,
you've gotta hands up.

Five seconds.

All right. All right. Should we
have a look at some of these words?

Yes. Ok.

'Antip'.

- Antip.
- Yeah.

- I believe the start of 'antipodes'.
- Yes.

- All right. So, 'Antip'- so that's actually-
- Anti?

That's not actually a word.
Well, if you'd said 'anti',

then that would've been a word,
but 'Antip's

- obviously not a word.
- If you put the 'P' in the front,

it's 'panti'.

Yep. Ok. What about Brynley?

My one's very clean.

It is very clean-
possibly the cleanest plate.

Brynley has written
the word 'breaker'.

- As in 'rule breaker'.
- Yeah.

Guy.

Very on-theme word for him.

'Horse'.

- Horse. Nice work.
- It was hard. It was hard.

Leigh does have
a word, surprisingly.

- 'Rush'.
- Rush.

So what I thought I'd do, I would

sort of encapsulate
what it was all about,

and that was going through my head,
'Don't rush. Don't rush.'

And then the next thing
I knew, I'd written 'rush'.

You did rush.

I did rush, and that's what I came up with.

Ok, what about Madeline?

Madeleine has written
the word 'map'.

I was going from Mississippi,
and, yeah, there's-

turns out there's no
'I' in alphabet soup.

So, map as in M-A-P?

Yes, map as in M-A-P
is what I was left with.

All right. Ok.

You sound kind of
disappointed, Jeremy.

Well, you had 100 seconds. I mean, 'map' is
like- you may as well have gone 'the'.

You've watched
five episodes of this.

What point are you not gonna
realise that we're not talented?

I think I could have
eaten a bowl of this

and shat a better word
than this one, to be honest.

All right. Shall we come
on down and judge the task?

All right, welcome back, everyone. So, what
does that mean for the points, then, Paul?

Angella- zero points. Madeleine-
two points. Leigh- three points.

- Guy- four points.
- Yeah!

And five points for Brynley Stent.

What does that
mean for the night?

It was an absolute nail-biter.

All Angella needed on the
last task to secure a win...

Oh God. Bye.

- ...was one point for first equal.

She got zero points.

You could have had a number
of words like 'a' or 'anti'.

I would have even accepted 'ta'-
T-A-

and you would have got a point.

- Yeah, this isn't helping me feel better.
- No.

Which means the winner
with 19 points, Brynley Stent.

And we are officially at the
halfway point of Taskmaster.

What does our overall series
scoreboard look like?

It's incredibly close, but
out in front with 82.5 points,

it's Miss Middle Of The
Pack, Madeleine Sami.

Middle. 'Middling' Sami.

What a wonderful
evening we have had.

We've learned that cigarettes can kill you;
you just have to light them first.

We've learned that eggs will break
when blown off a tall table.

And best of all, we've learned that episode
five has a proud winner in Brynley Stent.

Thank you. Thank you.

Congratulations, Brinley.

Your family just gained a
whole lot of new family heirlooms.

Forks, medallions, horses.

They are all yours. Do
with them what you want.

Go up and enjoy your treasures.

We will see you next week. Thanks
very much for watching Taskmaster.

Yeah, Brynley!

Whoo-hoo!

Oh!

Oh!

Wow!

I think I'm ready for a new task.

Well, you've come
to the right place-

the studio where they
record the show Taskmaster.

Aargh! I'm panicking!

Aargh!

Fuck.

Riveting New Zealand television.