Original subtitles

Welcome back.

Welcome back, Mr. President.

That was quite a journey you took. Yep.

I did what every doctor recommends for an 80 year old.

A two day whirlwind trip to China.

I just flew on from China, and boy, are my legs swollen.

Very, very good, sir. That doesn't look good at all.

What are you talking about? It's bad.

You know what?

I'm sorry I didn't take you with me to China.

JD, I would have, but I didn't want to.

But I brought you a present that President XI Jinping gave me.

Oh, a finger trap.

Very nice. Right. Did you. What did you give him? Taiwan.

Now, JD, I need some time to relax and did not be around you.

Okay? You want me to leave? Is the Pope Catholic?

Not enough for me?

Well, it's time for one of my patented midweek naps.

Just going to rest my head on this gold bar

that Switzerland gave me as a straight up bribe.

And sleep.

The sweet sleep of an addled, jetlagged mind.

Donald.

God damn.

Who's that?

Who's in here?

Don't worry, Donald, it's me.

Your best friend, Jeffrey Epstein.

Jeffrey. But I thought you were dead.

I am, remember?

I killed myself. Wink.

So how are you doing, Danny, baby?

Not so good, Jeffrey.

My approval ratings in the 30s. Oh, the 30s. Growth.

Call me when it hits 17. Ha ha ha.

Dark. Very dark.

It's a dark situation.

So, what are you up to these days, Jeff?

How's Evan? It's really, really hot.

But you know me, I keep busy.

Mahjong every Wednesday with Stalin and John Wayne Gacy.

That guy has stories.

What else? Oh, I just wrote for the Kevin Hart roast.

Had some fun zingers in there.

What about you, Donny, baby?

Any fun summer plans?

Well, you know, we've got the World Cup.

A UFC fight on my lawn.

Like I'm white trash on WorldStar.

And we're also doing the Patriot Games,

where high school athletes come from all over the country.

Boy, your your your yoing.

Ha ha ha. Give me some.

You know what?

This time I'm going to leave you hanging.

Wow. Wow. Wonderful.

Yeah. Tremendous, man.

We had some fun times together, didn't we, Donny? Yeah.

We should have taken more pictures.

No. It's really bad that we took any.

Damn it.

I miss you, homey.

In case you're curious, like all ghosts,

I have the power to show you visions of the future.

Wow. I'm surprised there is one.

First, let me show you to where Kristi Noem is at.

In six months.

My fellow Americans, I know exactly what we need

to transform this country.

Oh, good. She's back in politics.

Not exactly.

It's the shark. One vacuum cleaner.

And for only 129, 99, it's the best way to clean up that mess.

Your dog made besides a gun.

And it can even handle balloon scraps left over

from when your husband's giant balloon breasts pop.

Oh, wow.

I completely forgot about her husband's balloon beast thing.

Hey, that's a credit to you, buddy.

Your administration's so crazy.

Secret balloon top dogs. We're only a one day story.

That's actually worrisome. You know what else? About what?

About beat heads.

Oh, let me show you, Pete. Six months from now.

Wow. I guess that's the last of it.

Well, he gave up drinking.

Oh, no, he's not pouring it down the sink.

That's a giant beer bong.

Whew!

Oh, yeah, baby. Come on. Oh!

Welcome back to the cash. Cash with cash and Pete.

Shout out to our sponsor.

My own personal line of Cologne in confidence for men.

Every bottle is full of my forehead.

Sweat from my mini senate grilling.

A smell so strong it'll cross your eyes.

And I've got an ad to read too, so listen up.

But what?

You want people to think you're drinking water,

but you're actually getting wasted.

The reach for Poland sprung.

It's the first ever hard water.

So when everyone around you tells you to stop.

That's when you know you gas to get from.

Well, if Pete's podcasting, I

guess that means that the war in Iran is over. Yep.

We came in second.

But, Donny. Just remember, no.

No matter how many wars you start

or how bad you tank, the economy as a distraction,

people will always associate you with me.

And that, my dear close friend.

That is a beautiful thing.

Because, darling, when the morning comes

and I see the morning sun.

I want to be the one with you.

Just the two of us.

We can make it if we drive.

Just the two of us.

Just the two of us.

Just the two of us.

Building big castles way up high.

Just the two of us.

You and us.

And live from New York it█s Saturday night.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST PAUL McCARTNEY!

AND YOUR HOST, WILL FERRELL!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- WILL

FERRELL!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

Oh! Whoo!

Thank you, thank you,

thank you very, very much. I'm thrilled to be back here

hosting Saturday Night Live, bro.

Was a cast member here for seven years,

and now I'm hosting for the sixth time. Amazing.

It really, really feels like.

It really feels like coming home.

Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey.

Excuse me.

Whoa!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I think I'm hosting the show.

You're not the host, I am.

You're Chad Smith of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

No! Shut up! Shut up!

Everyone shut up!

What the hell is wrong with you? He.

He pushed me down backstage, and I fell hard.

Lorne had to give me mouth to mouth.

Seriously, what are you even doing here?

Okay. I'm the musical guest tonight.

No you're not. No you're not. Chad.

No. Paul McCartney is the musical guest.

Yeah.

So just get off the stage. Get off the stage now! Go!

All right.

No, no, don't clap for him. Don't.

Don't clap for him. He's a bad guy. He's a bad guy.

God, I'm sorry. That was weird, right?

That was really weird. Okay, you know what?

Let's just do a hard reset.

All right? Yeah. Okay.

Okay.

It's so great to be here hosting SNL for the sixth time.

The season finale.

It's still weird, right? Yeah, it feels off.

You guys feel that? It's very off. I'm sorry.

Chad Smith, you took the wind out of my sails. This sucks.

I don't even know if we should do the show.

That's where I'm at emotionally.

Whatever. Okay, fine. You know what I'll just do.

I'll just do what the host does when he.

When they don't have any ideas.

So I'll just, I'll take questions from the audience.

Yeah. You, sir? Yeah. The cute one right there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I have a question.

What do you think you're doing, Chad?

No. No, sir.

Paul McCartney. Well, why don't you come up here?

Just come on, come on. Like.

Look.

Look, I understand your confusion.

Me and Chad do look a lot alike, but I'm will.

I'm hosting tonight. Nice try. Chad. Get back!

Get back behind the drums. Will you belong, Paul?

With all due respect, you look like a fool right now.

Now, I know you've written a lot of good songs.

Let it be.

Hey, Jude.

Eleanor Rigby.

Yesterday.

Hello. Goodbye, lady Madonna.

Back in the USSR.

Jet. Maybe I'm amazed.

Helter Skelter.

Rocky raccoon.

Good night. Tonight.

That's a that's a personal you blackbird.

Oh, here, there and everywhere.

Oh, bloody. Ta dah!

I've just seen a face.

Penny Lane.

Yeah, sure.

Fine. There's that one.

But people often forget there's some great songs.

You didn't write the alphabet song.

Timber featuring Pitbull.

I mean, all the Smash Mouth stuff.

Get your ass behind the drums, Chad.

Okay. Yes.

Yes, sir. Right away, sir, but.

But first, we got a great show for you tonight.

Paul McCartney is here. Stick around. We'll be right back.

Oh, look, he's waking up.

Honey, the doctor wants to talk to you.

Oh, he stirred a sleepyhead.

How you feeling?

A little out of it. Yeah, that's.

Anesthesia will do that. Yeah, that's the strong stuff.

So the surgery was aces.

We got the gallbladder out. Easy peasy.

You'll have a teeny scar, but,

no one will see it unless you're a Speedo guy.

I am not. Oh. Probably best for everyone,

I'm right there with you now.

There is one other thing I want to briefly touch on.

Okay? During the surgery, some wires got crossed

and I accidentally removed your penis.

I'm sorry.

I'm still very out of it.

What? You.

You accidentally removed my husband's penis. That's correct.

And I feel awful about I.

I don't understand. How could this happen?

Yeah. Great question.

Okay,

look, in surgery, a nurse said,

don't forget to remove and clean this,

referring to a surgical tray. Okay.

What I heard was, don't forget to remove his penis.

So I did.

And, it's just one of those things.

It's just one of those things.

Can it. Can it be reattached? Yes, absolutely.

If we still have it.

What?

And here's here's where you might get a little miffed.

Might get a little miffed after I cut it off.

I dropped it down the bio waste chute, which goes

right to the flash furnace.

So your penis was cremated, which

just sucks.

I don't understand how this could happen.

I mean, look, we could Monday morning

quarterback this thing to death,

but the score is not going to change. And again, I feel bad.

You can ask my wife. I wasn't myself at lunch.

You went to lunch after?

Yes, but my mind was on this.

I didn't even look up when the chef did the onion volcano.

You went to Benihana?

No. Mr. Shinto hibachi castle.

It's a little livelier than Benihana.

The chefs engage you more. They'll roast you. I.

I don't care, doctor. What? What do I do?

How do I go to the bathroom now? How do I fix this?

So those are all questions for the urologist.

You can't help me. You cut off his penis.

Okay, okay.

Just because I know how to chop down a tree

doesn't mean I know how to carve the wood into a table.

Just. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I know, I.

I win. When is the urologist coming, doctor?

I haven't spoken to one yet.

You didn't call a urologist? No.

I was at lunch with my wife.

Are you serious? Okay.

Okay, look, one thing I can't deal with is yelling.

Look, I get this is a this is a wacky situation.

Oh, okay. Wacky is not the word I use.

Ma'am, please don't be a bitch.

Excuse me.

Oh. Doctor.

Doctor? Doctor, I don't have. I don't have genitals.

No no no no, that's not true.

You still listen to me.

Listen to me.

You still have your testicle.

Testicle. Singular.

Doctor, I had two. What happened to the other one?

Were you going to tell us about this?

Ma'am, what did I say about being a bitch?

Okay, okay. No, you know what?

We don't want to talk to you anymore.

Go call a urologist, okay? Okay. Fair enough. I'll go.

But I did see something on your husband's

shirt that I feel is worth mentioning.

What?

And that's what was right here.

What is it? Happy birthday. Oh my God! Okay. No!

Get out of here! Go get a god damn urologist.

All right. Happy birthday.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> MY GOD, HOW MANY ARE THERE?

>> 10,000 STRONG AT LEAST.

>> THE CASTLE WILL FALL BY

MORNING.

AND WITH IT THE KINGDOM OF MAN.

>> FIRST THEY'LL HAVE TO GET

THROUGH MY AX.

>> AND MY BOW.

>> GREAT FRIENDS, YOUR WEAPONS

ARE USELESS AGAINST THE HORDE.

OUR ONLY HOPE TO SLOW THEIR

ADVANCE IS TO BLOW UP THE CASTLE

BRIDGE.

>> MY LORD, THE ONLY WAY TO

LIGHT THE DOOM POWDER IS FROM

THE MIDDLE OF THE BRIDGE ITSELF.

>> AND WHOEVER DOES THAT WILL

FACE -- CERTAIN DEATH.

>> WHAT BRAVE SOUL WOULD MAKE

SUCH A SACRIFICE?

>> I'LL GO.

>> BOBBIN THE HALFLING?

>> BOBBIN, OLD FRIEND, ARE YOU

SURE?

>> MY DEER FANDORF, I'VE NEVER

BEEN SO SURE OF ANYTHING IN MY

LIFE.

♪ MY TIME HAS COME I KNOW WHAT I

MUST DO ♪

♪ I BID FAREWELL TO THE DWARVES

AND THE ELVES AND TO THE

BROTHERHOOD I SAY ADIEU ♪

♪ THROW WIDE THE GATES

I CHOOSE MY FATE ♪

♪ AND I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO ♪

♪ I HAVE TO SWITCH SIDES ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHAT THE [ BLEEP ]?

>> PERHAPS HE'S ATTEMPTING TO

FIGHT THEM ALL BY HIMSELF?

>> DEFINITELY NOT.

HE THREW HIS SWORD IN THE MOAT

AND NOW HE'S TALKING TO THEM AND

POINTING IN OUR DIRECTION.

>> BOBBIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

♪ SHOW THEM A BLUEPRINT OF THE

CASTLE AND POINT OUT THE WEAKEST

SPOTS RIGHT HERE ♪

♪ HELP THEM TO POISON THE WATER

SUPPLY AND BURN ALL THE LOCAL

CROPS MY BAD ♪

♪ SHOW THE BIGGEST ORCS MY

LITTLE BOBBIN PENIS AND MAKE

THEM LAUGH A LOT ♪

IT IS SMALL.

♪ LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH MY ORC

WIFE I'M SWITCHING SIDES ♪

>> WOW, YOU'RE BIG.

>> WHY IS EVERYONE CROWDING

AROUND ME?

>> ARGGHH!

>> WELL, GUESS THAT'S THE END OF

BOBBIN, THEN.

>> NOW WHAT BRAVE SOUL WILL TAKE

HIS PLACE AND DESTROY THE

BRIDGE?

>> I WILL DO IT.

NEVER SEND A HALFLING TO DO A

DWARF'S JOB.

♪ THROW WIDE THE GATES I CHOOSE

MY FATE ♪

♪ AND I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ I'M STILL ALIVE ♪

>> HOW THAT IS POSSIBLE?

♪ I MADE A DEAL WITH THE ORCS

THAT CONVINCED THEM NOT TO

MURDER ME ♪

♪ THEN I KILLED MY OWN FRIEND TO

PROVE TO THEM MY LOYALTY ♪

♪ I'M SWITCHING SIDES ♪

>> WELL, AT LEAST WE STILL HAVE

YOUR AMULET OF INVINCIBILITY,

FANDOLF.

>> OH, I THINK BOBBIN STOLE IT

ON HIS WAY OUT.

NOW HE'S GIVING IT TO THEIR

MEANEST GUY.

>> THERE YOU GO, NOW YOU CAN'T

DIE.

>> OH, COME ON.

♪ I LIVE MY ORC LIFE WITH MY ORC

WIFE ♪

>> OH!

>> OH!

>> WAIT, BEFORE I DIE, I SHOULD

PROBABLY TELL YOU THE WOMEN AND

CHILDREN ARE HIDING BENEATH THE

CASTLE.

>> THAT'S OUR BOBBIN, A TRUE

COWARD.

♪ I'M SWITCHING SIDES ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

So I thought, oh, I'm so sexy, so stressing.

Guys, like, I really want a good part in the spring musical.

I know my tears almost over and Mr.

Connick still hasn't posted the cast list.

What's taking so long?

It's grease Madison.

There's like a ton of speaking roles.

The whole I'm freaking out.

Okay, Marcy, just try to make us laugh.

Me watching a Jacob Elordi movie, girl voter. Oh.

Oh oh.

Look at you.

All buzzing about like flies to fresh cocker.

I love your outfit, Mr. Connick.

I wish I dressed as cool as you. Lucas.

If you're going to stick your nose that far up my ass,

at least check my colon for polyps.

Mr. Connick, how's the Teslas coming along?

Slowly. This show needs to be a hit.

After the fall musical flopped,

but I still contend that doing The Color Purple

with an all white cast was brave.

Anyway,

I wanted to let you know that the school board

is pressuring me to cast one particular student.

I won't say who, but I'm really, really mad about it.

Oh my God, who do you think he's talking about? Me?

Don't get in your head, Amy.

God, I'm so scared. I'm going to get put in the chorus.

What are you talking about?

You always get the lead, Dyson.

Yeah, but ever since I booked that

Honey Nut Cheerios commercial, Mr.

Cronin has been, like, weirdly jealous and mean to me. Whoa!

Be careful what you say, okay? There's a rumor Mr.

Coating likes to watch us spin out through that wicked poster.

I don't care what part I get, as long as it's not a tree.

I've been a tree the last five years.

You're a senior, Lexi. There's no way you're going to be a tree

catcher.

Don't ask me about the cast list, guys.

You know the teacher's assistant isn't allowed to say anything.

Lexi. Mr. Koenig wants to get a picture of you.

Can you do me a favor and hold this?

Don't read into this. Don't read into this.

Can you hold them high, please? Can you.

Can you sway in the breeze a little bit?

Yay! Excellent.

Thank you.

Yeah.

You know, Nancy, Oh,

I just had a few questions before I finalize the cast list.

Is that okay, Mr.

Hollywood, or do I need to go through your agent?

I don't have an agent.

I just eat cereal in the background of that commercial.

I had no lines, sir.

No lines. I like that for you

now, Tyler.

Yes, Mr.

Connick, you're you're in the mix for Danny Zuko.

But I don't know if audiences are ready to accept

a ginger as a leading man.

Would you be willing to dye your hair black?

Of course. All of your hair.

Whatever it takes, sir. Gracious. Shannon.

Yes? Mr. Connick, what are you doing here?

You're one of those weird Christian teenagers,

and there's kissing in this show.

Would you even know what to do? Oh, I know how to French.

I know how to French. Kiss. Watch.

Oh, oh, you stop.

I've. I've seen worse.

Oliver. Lucas. Oliver. Yes, yes. Mr.. Yes.

You're both up for the role of Kenickie.

But I'm worried you're too dorky and awkward

to bring the raw masculinity of the role demands.

Casper show them what an alpha male sounds like.

Yes, Mr. König, I can show you the world's shining, shimmering.

Splendid. Stop!

Oh, grow boner.

Exactly.

Why did you have to graduate? Why,

Madison.

Yes, Mr.

Kotick, I want you for Sandy. But she's chesty.

Would you be willing to wear a push up

bra with water balloons in it?

I'd be honored, sir. Wonderful.

To quote the great William Shakespeare,

sluts with teats put butts in seats.

And that just leaves the two jocks

who have to do the show for elective credit.

Could could you to handle leading roles.

Now we got to miss most rehearsals.

Yeah, because we got valuable.

Oh, that only makes me want you more.

One last thing. What was it?

Oh, the show is cast. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Oh, wow, I have tissues.

If anyone cries, maybe you should hold them. I'm.

Oh my God. Right. Deep deep.

Back up, back up,

back up. Give me room.

The choreographer must initial the list first. She.

Come home.

Let's get you home. Be.

Oh, yeah.

And of course, our music director and choir teacher.

Miss Peebles. Hey!

A couple of things about me.

First of all, some people say that I'm too handsy with boys.

That's a lie.

I don't know who started it.

And number two, I am tough as nails.

But guess what?

I get results. Watch this. You with a sweatshirt? Come here.

Sing me the highest note that you can. Okay.

How? Come on. You can do better than that.

Tummy in. Yeah.

Oh, you got nice abs

ass out and you got a scratch.

Desire.

Hey, I.

Know that's what you're talking about.

Doggies.

Come get your treats. Oh, my God, don't we have.

Oh my God. Yeah, right. Turn it up.

Caspar got daddy Zuko. He's not even a student.

Sorry, guys. That's just showbiz.

Oh, my gosh, look at them.

Oh, so bad.

Bad? Don't you mean wicked?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha!

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PAUL

McCARTNEY!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ LOOKING BACK AT

WHITE AND BLACK

REMINDERS OF MY PAST ♪

♪ SMOKY BARS

AND CHEAP GUITARS

BUT NOTHING BUILT TO LAST ♪

♪ 'CAUSE NOTHING EVER STAYS

NOTHING COMES TO MIND

NO ONE CAN ERASE

THE DAYS WE LEFT BEHIND ♪

♪♪

♪ SEE THE BOYS OF

DUNGEON LANE ALONG

THE MERSEY SHORE ♪

♪ SOME OF THEM WILL

FEEL THE PAIN

BUT SOME WERE MEANT

FOR MORE ♪

♪ AND NOTHING STAYS THE SAME

NO ONE NEEDS TO CRY

NOTHING CAN RECLAIM

THE DAYS WE LEFT BEHIND ♪

♪ WE MET AT FORTHLIN ROAD

AND WROTE A SECRET CODE

TO NEVER BE SPOKEN ♪

♪ I STAND BY WHAT I SAID

THE PROMISE THAT I MADE

WILL NEVER BE BROKEN ♪

♪ 'CAUSE NOTHING EVER STAYS

NOTHING COMES TO MIND

AND NO ONE CAN ERASE

THE DAYS WE LEFT BEHIND ♪

♪♪

♪ IN THE SKIES THE SKYLARKS

RISE ABOVE THE SOUNDS

OF WAR ♪

♪ SINCE THAT DAY I KNEW

THEY'D STAY WITH ME

FOREVERMORE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE NOTHING STAYS

THE SAME

NO ONE NEEDS TO CRY ♪

♪ NO ONE IS TO BLAME

FOR THE DAYS

WE LEFT BEHIND

THE DAYS WE LEFT BEHIND ♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Good evening. Thank you.

Oh, God. Jesus. Good evening everyone.

Welcome to weekend update. I'm Michael che. I'm Colin Jost.

I'm. This week President Trump traveled 14,000

miles round trip to China

for a 48 hour summit, which historians are already

calling could have been an email.

President Trump

arrived in China, but instead of XI Jinping,

he was greeted by the country's vice president, Han Zhong.

Or, as Trump called him, XI Jinping.

President Trump was greeted at the Great Hall of the people

by schoolchildren jumping up and down in excitement,

shouting, it's the man from the hats we make.

President Trump brought his son Eric to China

as a gift.

This week,

CIA Director John Ratcliffe traveled to Cuba,

which has run out of oil and is experiencing massive blackouts.

We sent the CIA director because the FBI guy

is also experiencing massive blackouts.

U.S. and Chinese authorities conducted a joint operation

to arrest members of a drug smuggling ring.

So great work. Agents Carter and Lee.

Cole Thomas Allen has pleaded

not guilty to attempting to assassinate the president,

a crime which carries a maximum penalty of life in prison.

He could also be charged with trying

to kill the vice president,

which carries a maximum penalty of a full pardon.

That's the real serial health secretary, RFK Jr.

Seen here showing how vaccines turn you gay.

Said that during an Oval Office event that in 1970, men

had twice the sperm count, as our teenagers do today.

The teenage sperm counts were measured at the.

You sure this is legal Institute?

President Trump said in an interview

that he is now referring to Democrats as Democrats

because they're dumb.

Clever.

He's also referring to himself

as the greatest president of all time.

According to a senior official.

President Trump keeps a letter in the Resolute

Desk addressed to Vice President J.D.

Vance in the event he dies. Or is assassinated.

The letter reads simply, I wish it had been you.

President Trump has rejected

Iran's latest demands in the war, including recognition

of Iranian sovereignty over the Strait of Hormuz and U.S.

War reparations.

You want reparations from America?

Get in line, honey.

Yeah.

It's that simple.

Texas Senator John Cornyn has introduced legislation

to rename a state highway Trump interstate,

because for some reason, people associate Trump

with traffic across state lines.

Conservative political figure Carrie Legge has been appointed

by President Trump to be the next ambassador to Jamaica.

Lake says her top priority

would be to convert reggae to red, straight.

FIFA announced that this year's World Cup

final will have a halftime show featuring Madonna,

Shakira and Beats, which is being

described as something for everyone to dislike.

A recent poll found that three fourths

of Americans believe the right to free

speech is heading in the wrong direction.

Here, to cut through the noise and speak his mind is Mr.

on Blast.

Hello, Colleen. Ha ha.

That's right.

I'm Mr.

on blast. And unlike other fools,

I ain't afraid to speak truth to power.

So get ready because no one is safe from being put on blast.

Okay.

All right, well, go ahead. Lay it on us.

All right. First up, I. What are we doing?

Prompts.

This prompts that I more like p u Blast.

All right.

Kind of starting at a C minus. Sure.

Okay, y'all want to talk about the metaverse?

Why don't you go read a Bible verse?

Wait for your Christian devo.

And to all those A.I.

companies in Silicon Valley, Gemini, Claude ChatGPT.

More like chat g p u. Oh, blast!

Of the.

Where did where did the cake come from?

Oh, you're not ready for that conversation, sweet cheeks.

Just don't touch my

sweet cheeks or touch my hands. That's right. Okay. Next up.

Stock market always going up, always going down.

Here's an idea.

Stay still.

I'm blast.

Okay.

Okay, okay. No! Stop it! No!

You want.

You want the stock market to stay still?

Yeah. I'm ruthless because blasting is my mitzvah.

I am.

Wait, you're Jewish too? Devout.

Now blasting on toward CEOs.

Or should I say CEO knows?

Hey, CEOs, I hear you make a lot of money.

Too bad you can't buy yourself a moral compass.

I'm blessed. Hi, I'm Mr.

on Blast, and I'm in the place where they put the pictures.

What the hell?

How did you do that?

My grandson works on the show. You have a grandson to vouch.

Now give me and my family a break. Colleen.

It's hard up here.

Yeah, you know what? I actually, I bet it is hard.

Especially when, you out here

looking like a lesbian, Bruno Mars.

Last.

No. Why did mom sound like that?

Looks like you just got put on blast. Blast, boys.

Get out here!

Whoa!

Okay.

Yeah, I know what's going to happen.

Okay. Miss your on blast.

Everyone is now devout.

Devout? Kind of blaster.

Kind of

a contestant on The Price Is Right.

Recently won the largest single episode

prize in the show's history.

One night with Drew Carey.

Researchers studying the 59,000 year old

teeth of a Neanderthal believe

they found the first evidence of an attempt to fill a cavity.

The evidence was this stone tablet denying coverage.

Happy birthday to music legend

Stevie Wonder, who this week turned right for

Stevie Wonder

this week turned 76 and received his favorite birthday gift.

Another hand full of diamonds.

A scientist has discovered a new species of flower

that only exists in new Jersey, where it is

where it is bullied constantly for looking like a pussy.

This week marks the 40th anniversary

of the modern NBC Peacock logo, which debuted in 1986.

And if that peacock could talk,

I bet it's a Bill Cosby raped me.

Well.

You can't believe it hasn't already started.

But tonight we have another edition

where it's saying I give each other jokes to read and.

So, yeah, we're making some of the regionals

live on air that the other person's never seen before.

Are you nervous getting ready?

No. This is it's.

Yeah, it's it's gonna be fun. We're going to be

fun to each other and to our families.

And it's out of love.

Yes. Why don't you go first, Colin?

Sure.

Mattel has introduced a new Barbie that has autism.

Now it's going to feel wrong when I have sex with it.

Feel wrong?

A new study finds that the average length

of an erect penis in the country is 6.34in.

Oh, boy. That means I'm only six inches below average.

Now I just have to figure out how to get erect.

I like, I like that is a challenge for you.

Michael B Jordan won Best actor

for his role in the vampire movie sinners.

A black vampire is just like a white vampire.

Except the only thing it sucks dry is the welfare state.

Colin.

Now, now, that was just a joke.

I'm not a racist.

And to prove it, I, Colin Jost,

hereby pledge this season's salary

to Doctor Umar school for Black Boys.

Now, y'all might know.

Y'all might not know who that is,

but the brothers at home is nodding their heads.

No one in our white audience understands.

And if that's not enough, I have a beautiful new, very

ready to give any black person

a free one way trip back to the motherland.

Oh. I would have ended it at the Doctor Who, but I think

a new study suggested

a new study suggests that men are less likely

to suffer from erectile dysfunction

if they drink grape juice.

Which explains why my boyfriend is always rock hard.

Oh. Oh.

Speaking of giving little boys juice.

You're a terrible person.

The movie.

Michael won the box office again this weekend.

And since a few members of the Jackson

family are actually in the audience tonight,

I wanted to take a moment

and tell everybody what I really think.

Michael Jackson did nothing wrong.

He was right to let all those kids go.

And they were lucky.

I would have paid him to do it.

And I did. That's right.

When I was ten years old, Michael Jackson molested me.

And the only thing it gave me

was a fetish for middle aged white women.

That is not why I have that.

Now, since he's learned, we've just learned a lot about you.

Yay! Yay!

Has released a new album called bully.

So please try to separate the art from the artist.

And remember that you

can make awful music and still be right about Hitler.

Now, that joke is offensive to everybody.

And I'd like to apologize.

I'd like to sacrifice the most important thing in my life.

My beautiful, award winning, world famous hair.

That's right.

I'm shaving. Ha!

Send in the barber

Jerome.

Make me unpretty.

No, no no no.

You know what's really going to do it?

Man. You are the greatest comedian.

Oh, no.

No, no. Damn it! For the Weekend Update, I'm Michael.

I was so scared to do it.

I was so scared we couldn't do it.

I'm Michael Che. Good night. Oh my God. Oh.

LET ME WALK YOU THROUGH WHAT WE

DID WITH YOUR RAV-4.

FLUSHED THE EVACUATOR.

GAVE YOU A DONGROD GASKET.

GRABBED THE APPLE BOTTOM JEANS.

PUT IT ON WITH THE BOOTS WITH

THE FUR.

THAT'S WHY THE WHOLE CLUB WAS

LOOKING AT IT.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

>> I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

WE BROUGHT IT IN BECAUSE THE

LIGHT CAME ON.

>> RIGHT, THAT MEANS YOUR SPROG

BOX IS SHOT, OKAY?

AND THE SPROG BOX, RIGHT HERE

THAT CREATES CAMBER, OKAY?

AND IT ROTATES LIKE THIS.

BUT YOURS WAS ROTATING LIKE

THIS.

THAT'S PROBABLY WHY YOU'RE

HEARING THAT LITTLE LEE LEE LEE

LEE LEE LEE LEE!

HEARING ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

>> POSSIBLY.

I USUALLY LISTEN TO MUSIC WHEN

I'M IN THE CAR.

>> MUSIC, NO, YOU CANNOT BE

DOING THAT.

LOOK, DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER.

I'LL BRING IN THE MECHANIC,

SANTIAGO, TO GIVE YOU THE

BREAKDOWN.

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

IN ENGLISH.

>> OKAY.

>> SO I CHECK THE CAMMERRATER

AND THE RAMMERRATER AND BOTH OF

THEM IS PERFECT, OKAY?

BUT WHEN I GOT UNDER THE HOOD, I

GET IN THERE AND I SAY --

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

>> I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT?

>> SPANISH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT BASED ON WHAT SANTI IS

SAYING HERE, THE SCRUM BELT IS

REAL TREE TRUNKY.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

IS-A MAKING A SOUND.

THE SCRUM BELT MAKING A SOUND

LIKE AAH!

OOH!

>> YOU EVER DRIVE AND HEAR A

SOUND LIKE HAEHHH!

HAEHHH!

>> WAAH!

WAAH!

>> THAT'S A WORN SCRUM BELT.

>> OKAY.

HAS THE CAR BEEN GOING, AAHHH!

AAHHH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, AS WELL, EVERY TIME I PUT

IT IN GEAR, I HEAR -- OOH-WAAH!

USUALLY WHEN IT GO WAAH!

THAT MEAN YOU NEED A NEW

TRANSPERSON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YEAH, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A

NEW TRANSPERSON.

I RECOMMEND YOU FIX IT TODAY.

>> YEAH, AND THEN COMING BACK

EVERY SIX DAYS, OKAY?

I WANT TO BE SEEING YOU.

AND I WANT YOU TO COME TO MY

PERSON.

>> HE WANTS YOU TO COME TO HIS

PRIVATE PARTY.

CAR-WISE, YOUR BEST OPTION, NOT

THE CHEAPEST, BUT THE BEST IS TO

REPLACE ALL THE PARTS.

>> SO REBUILD THE ENTIRE CAR?

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE JUST BROUGHT IT IN FOR AN OIL

CHANGE.

>> YOUR OIL IS FINE.

WE KEEP THE OIL.

WE REBUILD EVERYTHING AROUND IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HOW MUCH WILL THAT COST US?

>> FOR YOU GUYS?

IT'S GOING TO BE ONLY ABOUT

4,100 700,000.

>> THAT'S WITH LABOR, SO A GOOD

DEAL.

>> IS THAT REALLY NECESSARY?

>> IF YOU WANT A SECOND OPINION,

FINE.

OUR CHIEF MECHANIC, HE CAN WALK

YOU THROUGH IT.

NIGEL, GET IN HERE.

>> NIGEL!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> ARE YOU THE PEOPLE WITH THAT

BLASTED RARVE 4?

>> YEP, THAT'S THEM.

>> WELL, LISTEN.

THE GYPSY WHIPSIES AND DANGLY

DOOGLY AND THE SPIGGLY WIGGLY'S

GONE CRUMPET.

THE WHOLE CAR IS KNACKERED.

IT'S MAKING A SOUND LIKE --

JAAA-HOO-YAA.

>> I TRIED TO TELL THEM.

THE CAR, WHEN WE PUT IT IN GEAR,

MAKING A SOUND LIKE

YAA-HOO-FOOO!

>> PLUS THE STEERING WHEEL'S ON

THE WRONG BLOODY SIDE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> RIGHT.

I UNDERSTAND.

I JUST DON'T KNOW IF WE CAN

AFFORD

4,100 700,000.

>> DO YOU HAVE PAYMENT PLANS?

>> YEAH, BASICALLY THE PLAN IS

THAT YOU PAY ALL THE MONEY NOW.

>> OR YOU CAN PAY IN ASS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU CAN PAY IN ASS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU.

YOU, GUY.

YOU CAN BEND OVER AND PAY IN

ASS.

IT'S UP TO YOU.

>> UM -- OKAY.

UH -- YEAH.

I -- I GUESS I'LL PAY IN ASS?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IS THAT GOOD WITH YOU, HON?

>> YEAH.

I MEAN, WHATEVER YOU WANT, BABE.

LIKE, I'LL JUST GO TO COSTCO AND

WALK AROUND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JUST TEXT ME WHEN YOU'RE DONE.

>> OKAY.

SO -- RIGHT NOW?

>> YEAH, RIGHT NOW.

>> YEAH.

>> LET'S DO IT.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, PAUL McCARTNEY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ STUCK INSIDE

THESE FOUR WALLS

SENT INSIDE FOREVER ♪

♪ NEVER SEEING NO ONE

NICE AGAIN ♪

♪ LIKE YOU MAMA

YOU MAMA

YOU ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ IF I EVER GET OUT OF HERE

THOUGHT OF GIVING

IT ALL AWAY

TO A REGISTERED CHARITY ♪

♪ ALL I NEED IS A PINT A DAY

IF I EVER GET OUT OF HERE

IF WE EVER GET OUT OF HERE ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ WELL THE RAIN EXPLODED

WITH A MIGHTY CRASH

AS WE FELL INTO THE SUN ♪

♪ AND THE FIRST ONE SAID

TO THE SECOND ONE THERE

I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING FUN ♪

♪ BAND ON THE RUN

BAND ON THE RUN ♪

♪ AND THE JAILER MAN

AND SAILOR SAM

WERE SEARCHING EVERYONE

FOR THE BAND ON THE RUN ♪

♪ FOR THE BAND ON THE RUN

BAND ON THE RUN

BAND ON THE RUN ♪

♪ WELL THE UNDERTAKER

DREW A HEAVY SIGH

SEEING NO ONE ELSE

HAD COME ♪

♪ AND A BELL WAS RINGING

IN THE VILLAGE SQUARE

FOR THE RABBITS ON THE RUN ♪

♪ BAND ON THE RUN

BAND ON THE RUN ♪

♪ AND THE JAILER MAN

AND SAILOR SAM

WERE SEARCHING EVERYONE ♪

♪ FOR THE BAND ON THE RUN

BAND ON THE RUN ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ YEAH THE BAND ON THE RUN

BAND ON THE RUN

BAND ON THE RUN

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH ♪

♪ BAND ON THE RUN ♪

♪ WELL THE NIGHT WAS FALLING

AS THE DESERT WORLD

BEGAN TO SETTLE DOWN ♪

♪ IN THE TOWN

THEY'RE SEARCHING

FOR US EVERYWHERE

BUT WE NEVER WILL BE FOUND ♪

♪ BAND ON THE RUN

BAND ON THE RUN ♪

♪ AND THE COUNTY JUDGE

WHO HELD A GRUDGE

WILL SEARCH FOREVERMORE

FOR THE BAND ON THE RUN ♪

♪ THE BAND ON THE RUN

BAND ON THE RUN

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH

BAND ON THE RUN ♪

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'm excited for you to meet my family.

Well, hi. Excited? I'm your boyfriend, Chris. Stop.

Funny.

You guys are so much more attractive

than guys who actually look good enough money. Wait, what?

Mom? Dad! We're here.

Oh, my gosh, my little angel and her new man.

Oh, Chris, I've heard so much about you.

I feel like I'm meeting a celebrity.

Oh, well, the feeling is mutual. Here, let me grab your coat.

Oh. Thank you.

Bring that up over here.

Oh, Oh,

sorry. Sorry. Do you, Do I know what?

Do you know that you're,

Oh, what my famous duck sauce pizza is ready.

Let me just, turn the oven off real quick. All right?

Hey, babe, are you okay?

You just kind of froze up back there,

I mean, yeah, did you not see that?

That was crazy.

See what?

That you're acting really nervous in front of my cool dad.

Hey, just be yourself, okay?

You know, Chris, you look different in person.

Oops.

My dang shoes are untied.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I actually look I look different because I got a haircut.

Sorry. I mean, haircut. Haircut.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

I can't believe I had to go into work on a weekend.

Did I lock the car? Hold on. Hi, mom.

Oh. Hi, dad. Hi. Hi, Janine. Thanks so much for having us.

I mean, I'm having us. Whoa. What is it?

Is it chilly in here?

I gotta close down these windows a bit drafty, all on

windows. Stuck.

Honey, can you help me? Yeah, I'll get it, honey.

Go. Hey, hey, get the damn thing stuck.

Hey, Chris. You're a you're a strong champion.

You can squeeze in here and help me. Okay, good.

You know, I think I should just keep facing away from you guys.

Don't don't be rude, all right? Buddy? Yeah. Me. Just

get right in here.

Come on in three. Oh, my back.

I need you need me to crack your back. I'll be great.

Okay. Ready? Would you mind? 321000.

You know, honey, I think you're too small.

Chris, would you mind? Oh. Asking me?

Yeah. Okay. I just get. No, I'll get in there. Yeah, yeah.

One, two three. Oh, yeah. Oh.

Thanks, I needed it. Get it cracked from behind.

Okay, well, don't say it like that.

Where are my manners? Chris, can I get you a drink?

Oh, you know what?

Just a ass of water. Sorry, ass. Ass. Sorry, but, sorry.

Just a big old bare ass booty water glass.

I'll take a glass. I'll take a glass. Water. Thank.

Okay. Coming right up. Yeah. Okay.

Get a hold of yourself, please. How?

Five.

Five. Five. I have an announcement to make that big.

Says. Hey.

Whoa. What's up, my brown?

Great. How you doing, man? Hey, question.

Do you want to try a little bit of this?

I got Bella Bella sausage on it.

Come on, try a little bit. Dude.

Just put extra sausage just for you.

You know, I'm actually really not that horny. Hungry? I'm not.

I'm not hungry. Oh, this is such a perfect moment.

Let me get a picture.

Oh, hold on, I'm taking a picture. Oh my God.

Oh, here we go.

Everybody say cheese. She's.

>>> THANKS TO EVERYBODY.

THANK FOTS PAUL McCARTNEY!

AZIZ ASHARI!

MOLLY SHANNON!

THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HOLD IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE

FOREVER ♪

♪ ONE THAT WILL NEVER FADE

AWAY ♪

♪ I WANT TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR

PROBLEM ♪

♪ COMING UP COMING UP OH YEAH ♪

♪

♪ COMING UP LIKE A FLOWER ♪

♪ COMING UP OH YEAH ♪

♪ YOU WANT A FRIEND YOU CAN RELY

ON ♪

♪ ONE WHO WILL NEVER FADE AWAY ♪

♪ AND IF YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR AN

ANSWER ♪

♪ STICK AROUND I SAY ♪

♪ IT'S COMING UP IT'S COMING

UP ♪

♪ OH YEAH ♪

♪ IT'S COMING UP LIKE A FLOWER

COMING UP OH YEAH ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ YOU WANT SOME PEACE AND

UNDERSTANDING ♪

♪ SO EVERYBODY CAN BE FREE ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT WE CAN GET

TOGETHER ♪

♪ WE CAN TAKE IT ENDLESSLY ♪

♪ COMING UP IT'S COMING UP ♪

♪ OH YEAH IT'S COMING UP ON THE

HOUR ♪

♪ IT'S COMING UP YEAH YEAH

YEAH ♪

♪♪