All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S51E19.Matt.Damon.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

All right, all right.

Here we are, ma'am.

Here you are.
Here is your Washington redskin.

That's a shot of Campari
in an empty potato skin.

Thank you.

So world peace. Yeah,
it should be any day now.

All right, all right.

He's warming.

All right. Cut, cut the jukebox.

Cut it.

My man.

Drove both.

Okay, okay.

Secretary Hegseth,
can I get you your usual?

A shot of beer with a, pint of
whiskey and draft and into it.

That's right.
The reverse Irish car bomb. Yes.

It's just nice
to have my sneaky bar here

where I'm not going to run
into anyone from work

because none of Trump's people
like drinking as much as I do.

Wrong.

Oh. Come on.

Oh, yeah. Whoa! Yes! Kavanaugh.

What is up? Order!
Order in the court!

Yes! Order!

I find in favor of six Bud

Lights
and three shots of Jaimoe. Yes.

Come on. Yep. A63 decision
coming right up, Your Honor.

Whoa.

Pistol Pete, I kind of figured
I was going to find you here.

Oh, did I include you
on a signal chat by accident?

No, no, I just saw the women
covering their drinks.

That could be you, too.

I got I got like that, it's
just great that we share that.

It is fun. It is. It's fun.
We share that.

Hey, can I just say we are both
kicking ass right now, right?

Dude, can you believe
I just, like, started a war?

Can you believe
I ended abortion?

Hey, your body. My choice.

Well, you knew I'd do it.
You'd have to do it.

How is the war going,
by the way?

Oh, it's totally chill.

It's, it's totally chill.

Or at this point, it's like me
at a DWI checkpoint.

It completely blew over.
Oh, yeah. Really?

I thought I read we were,
We were still bomb and stuff.

No. Just like a few.

Every now and then,
we can stop whenever we want to.

Oh. That's cool.

Check this out.

What are you.

What is this?
What do you been up to?

Well, it's the new,

voting district
that I approved in Tennessee.

Oh, wow. Oh, wait.

Actually, no, that's,
that's a field sobriety test.

They told me to draw a circle.

Dude, you were really close.
Thanks, Kim. Is that it?

You knew.
You knew it was the shape. Yeah.

I appreciate that.
To be honest with you, man.

Sure.

It's just that I worked
so hard on this Iran war,

and I'm just worried it's
gonna end.

You know, it's kind of like

I took a bunch of blue chew
and then didn't bang anyone.

Like, okay, I guess I'll just
watch Seinfeld bricked up.

Yeah. Thank God
we got each other right. Yeah.

You know what the real war is
right now? The real war.

It's the war against

male loneliness.

I used to have all my buddies
to hang out with

PJ and Toby,

squeeze

gang bang. Greg. Yeah.

Doctor William Cosby.

I just wish
there were more people

in this administration
who could really hang.

Does this bar take Cash?

Yes. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Touching. Let's go.

So what's up? Are
we wild and out tonight or what?

Yeah, we always wild. K-pop
demon hunter.

Yeah.
I got nothing to do tomorrow.

You know, because of the cease
fire.

Oh, guys, check this out.

I made my own FBI bourbon
with my name on it. Yes.

Somehow
this is a real thing that I,

the FBI director, had made.
This is real. Wow.

I bring my own alcohol to bars

because sometimes they think
I'm a kid with the fake ID,

they say, oh, no adult would
make this face in official photo

But seriously, we're
all living the American dream.

I'm the first person
in my family to go to college

parties
many years after graduating.

Hey, K9, is that rumor true
that you make

everybody in the FBI
take a polygraph? No.

I told them to make a graph of
everyone in the FBI who's poly.

My girlfriend wants to open up
our relationship.

Come on. Yeah.

She went.

She says she wants to bring
other dudes into the bedroom.

And for me
to stay in the living room.

Hey, since we're opening up,
can I tell you guys something?

Top secret. Brother.

Everything's a secret
when you're blacked out, right?

All right, we're going to let
Trump do a third term.

Oh. Come on.

I thought
that was unconstitutional.

Yeah, it was,

but Trump
found the original constitution,

and at the end he wrote, like
we're going to live forever.

Whoa! Yes.

All right. Sorry, gentlemen.

It's your least favorite words
in the entire world.

Last call. Oh,
so what's it going to be?

Well, I guess
I'll drink a whiskey drink.

I drink a vodka drink.
I'll drink lager Drink.

Drink a cider drink

I get knocked down,
but I get up again.

Hey, calm me down
now I get knocked down

>> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT!

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST NOAH KAHAN!

AND YOUR HOST, MATT DAMON!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- MATT

DAMON!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I'm so happy to be here.

Guys,
this is my third time hosting.

Which seems a little low, right?

I mean, just considering
I've been around for,

like, 30 years,
but that's okay. I'm here now.

I'm really excited because
I have a new movie coming out.

It's called The Odyssey.

And it is in theaters.

Not this weekend,
not next weekend,

but nine weekends from now
mid-July, baby.

So we got more good news.

It is Mother's Day tomorrow.
Yeah.

And I know normally SNL flies

all the cast moms in
for the show.

First class. No expense spared.

Apparently that was
going to happen again this year.

But then Spirit Airlines
shut down.

So for all of you
waiting to see the cast moms,

I'm sorry
it ain't happening tonight.

Sorry. You said the cast
moms aren't coming tonight.

Yeah, that's right sir.

No cast moms
this year. Oh, okay.

But Marcello's
mom is here, right?

No, she's not here. I'm
sorry that wasn't in the cards.

Well,
I'd really like to meet her,

but I don't know what
to tell you. We got to move on.

In about 15 minutes.

It is going to be Mother's Day.

And I realize for a lot of you,
you're probably freaking out

because you didn't
get your mother a gift.

Don't worry.
I thought about this.

I got you guys covered.
Just send her this.

Hey, there. It's me, Matt Damon.

I bet you thought your kid

forgot to get you a mother's day
gift. No, this is your gift.

A personal message for me.

But wait.

I'm confused.

Your kid asked me
to make a video for their mom.

But you're their sister, right?

What?

Shut up! No way.

Because you don't look a day
over. You're kidding me.

I would have guessed,
like 28, 29.

How old am I? Old enough
to know what I'm doing?

Young enough to do it? Well.

Listen, I got to go.

But you deserve a night out.

You tell your partner
to take you out on a date.

Not this weekend.

Not next weekend,
but nine weekends from now.

There's a movie I think you're
really going to like.

Happy mother's day. So.

Just clip that
and send it to your mom.

You're all set.

Hey! Dumb ass.
Marcello's mom is here.

Hi, Matt. Damon. Okay, mom.

Get away from this weirdo.
Okay. Bye. Matt. Damon.

We got a great show.
Noah Kahan is here.

So is Marcello's mom. Stick
around. We'll be right back.

You're watching the Monster
Channel? Yep. That's real.

We now return to Godzilla.

King of the monsters to Dawn
of the King of All Monsters.

Admiral on deck.

At Ease

I just got to sleep.
This better be good.

Admiral,
we're tracking a sizable anomaly

in the Pacific Ocean.

Heading west towards the
northern California coastline.

You woke me up for a Russian
reconnaissance sub.

This is no sub, sir.

Admiral, you might want to take
a look at this.

The USS Indiana just sent
a sonar scan of the location.

Whatever this thing is, it's
as tall as the ocean is deep.

What's the depth there?

20 500ft.

What?

There's something
the size of two Empire

State Building
swimming in our ocean.

Admiral, you might want to take
a look at this.

It's making impact.
Tremors on the ocean floor.

It's not swimming, sir.

It's walking.

It's walking.

What the hell is this thing,
Admiral?

You might want to take a look
at that.

Jesus. What?
Now the stress is drying me out.

Can I get, like,
a thick green juice that I like?

Here you are, sir.

Thank you.

What do we got, officer?

Do you want to join in?

Finish the sip.
That's in your mouth, sir.

All right.

Would you like to savor
the taste? Okay.

Well, I'm looking at the thermal
imaging, so,

is there pineapple in this?

No, sir. Just green sanders.

Oh, it tasted like pineapple
for a second. Sorry, Admiral.

We just lost contact
with the submarine.

All their comms are offline.

Yeah, the data is showing it
suffered total hull failure.

I'll try and get the video
from it's clear. Cam.

Lock in people.

We're going to be here for
a while. I should eat something.

Can I get some of that runny,
lumpy yogurt that I like?

I access the video, sir.

Let me see it.

Oh my God.

Jesus.

Officer Harris,
I just saw that thing.

Grab a nuclear submarine and
crush it like an empty soda can.

That cannot be possible.

So I need you to
look me in the eyes right now

and tell me
that video is authentic.

Your yogurt, sir.

Thank you.

Thanks so much.

In your mouth, sir. The.

The video is authentic. Wow.

Well, I lost my appetite.

Can I get a huge ice cold
water, please?

Here you go, sir.

Thank you.

Admiral, I'm getting
a transmission from Okinawa,

but it's in Japanese.

I know Japanese.

You speak Japanese?

Yes, yes I do.

I. I dated a girl from Japan,

and I lived there for three
years, sir. What? She hot?

I don't know why that matters.

Not really.

Sorry to hear that.

Now go translate that message.
Of course. Excuse me.

Okay.

All right.
There's a lot of static.

Hey, guys, it's really important
that everybody stays hydrated.

This is a high stress situation.

I need everybody drinking
a lot of water. Thank you.

Thank you. Admiral.

Okay.

Okay. They're saying,
monster destroyed.

Okinawa base
with laser from mouth.

Oh my God! Oh my God! They're.
They're calling it.

They're calling it Godzilla.

Oh, no no no no no, sir, please.

Did you just say Godzilla?

Everyone, please stop!

I'm so wet.

So wet.

I know a lot of high stakes

information is being revealed,
but please,

if you can just try and
spit away from me, please.

Sorry I didn't get to do it yet.

Oh, God. He's here.

This Mother's Day, a movie
especially made for mom.

Kids, what are you doing here?

You know,
we wouldn't miss Mother's Day.

Oh, come in, come in.

With all the things
she loves in movies

and none of the things
she doesn't.

Actually, we have some news.

We're going to move back home.
What's up? Introducing mom.

The movie.

The only movie completely devoid

of conflict, suspense
and dramatic tension.

Just things
that work out for mom.

Oh, no.

Mom. It's
the big pickleball tournament

at the same time
as my baby shower.

Now they're on different
days. Great.

Because moms have enough stress,
so why not

let them feel good for a day
with dialog like mom.

You're really good, mom.
And it's twins.

Oh, yeah. That's true.

And that is a great story, mom.

And I love that you told me

the race
of all the people involved.

Moms are the hardest
working people in the world.

They deserve a movie
where the house is clean,

the kids are home,
and the husband is straight up

Matt Damon.

I just love being married
to you, Matt Damon.

I feel the same way. Rhonda.

Rhonda.

Damon. Remind me again
how we met.

Well,

I was giving a talk back
after a movie I did, and I

noticed your massive necklace
from the stage.

Now you want to go upstairs
to make love?

No, to do a fashion show
with everything in your closet.

Oh, okay.

Well, are you sure?

Yeah, sure.

A story by moms for moms.

Hey, is that the pink
puffy purse

I bought you
with the big old gold chain?

You're right.

It goes with everything.

Mom, the movie is a hit,
and audiences are raving.

I liked when the kids all needed
their birth certificates

and she had them.

And it's designed
with the understanding

that most moms will fall asleep
after 23 minutes.

So after that point,
the characters

just move
things around and smile.

I loved when the entire family

watched
a full episode of House hunters.

It was helpful
when the characters put on name

tags so the audience could track
who was who.

It was a nice touch.
How bout that, Mark Damon?

And rest assured,
if something bad happens,

it'll be to someone
you don't like.

Mom, did you hear?

Your friend is sick.

Oh. Which one? Judith.

The one who said
your porch pillars were ugly.

Oh. How sad.

So treat your mom to a movie
so tailor made to her

and wonder
if she wrote it herself. You

mind if I slip into something
a little more comfortable?

Rhonda Damon.

Jason. Flippin Bourne. Mom.

The movie streaming
now on HomeGoods. Plus.

Hey, there you go, sweetheart.

Enjoy that.

Oh, that's nice. And sweet.
That's nice for you to bother.

Do you think you can keep it?
Whoa whoa whoa. No!

Hey! Get the hell out of here!
Go back to sleep, okay.

Strong with this guy,
Push it in the air like that.

You know what it is?

Everybody thinks
they're a tough guy these days.

And that's true. That's true.

Hey, hey,
speaking of tough guys.

Listen to this.

Yeah, this guy's smoking a
cigaret right outside my house.

He flicks his cigaret
right onto my lawn.

So I go, hey, pick it up.

He looks me in the eye.

He goes, make me. Oh, boy.

So then what happened?
I'll tell you what happened.

He kicked my ass.

And then
he made me pick up the cigaret.

I did, I picked it up
with my mouth. Yeah.

Everybody thinks
they're tough guy these days.

Yeah, I had a run in myself
recently. Oh, yeah?

I see this
tough guy at the grocery store.

He's yelling at the checkout
girl.

I go, hey, jackass, your mother
ever teach you manners?

Because if not, I'm going
to teach you some right now.

Oh, boy.

So what did he say to that?
Nothing.

He just kicked my ass right
away.

Wheeled his chair over to me
and laid me out flat.

Hold on, hold on, hold
on. He was in a wheelchair.

Yeah, guy was, like,
100 years old. Of course he was.

Of course.

Anyways, rolling away
and I go, that's all you got?

There we go. There you go. Big,
big mistake on my part.

He came right back, took his
little oxygen tube off his face.

He stuck it right up my ass
and he cranked it to full.

This guy, he blows me up
like I'm a friggin balloon.

Oh my God. Unbelievable.
I a unique punishment.

It sure was. That's
what I'm saying.

You know, everybody's got to be
a tough guy these days.

Hey, tell me about it.
I'm at church a few weeks back.

I turned to the guy behind me
and I say, peace be with you.

He kicks my ass.

I say, father, how dare you?

Oh my God, you're
ruining my daughter's wedding!

Oh, it was.
It was the priest. Yes.

You know the phrase
he put his foot in my ass.

Oh, he didn't do that, did he?
No. No, no.

He put my foot in my ass.

Both of them. Oh, my God,
not your feet.

That's terrible.

But other than that,
it was a beautiful ceremony.

Was a beautiful ceremony.

I tell you, even the kids
think they're tough guys now.

The other day, I asked my son
what he wants for breakfast.

Right?

So he kicks my ass. Oh,

I look at my wife, I go,
what's wrong with this kid?

And she kicks me. That's insane.

Some of the tough
guys are girls. Absolutely.

Oh, absolutely. No.

Life used to be a little more
civilized a few years back.

I had words with this tough guy,
but we didn't fight.

Instead,

he picked up a dirty quarter
off the ground,

and he said I had to keep it
in my mouth forever.

And if he ever saw me, he was
going to yell, quote, a check.

And if it were me in there,
he was going to kick my ass.

Oh that's tough.
Those days are long gone, man.

Listen to this.

Christmas Eve, right?

I'm at a bar

and I go, hey, everybody,
this next round is on me, right?

And he's tough.

Guy goes, I don't need
no charity, you A-hole.

And then he kicked your
ass. I wish he captured me.

What do
you mean, he captured you?

He captured me.
I don't know how to say it.

The guy captured me.

He puts me in a dog
cage in his basement.

Right.

He's giving me a gummy bear
every eight hours.

Every eight hours, I get one
gummy bear. Yellow. One, two.

Not even a red one.
A yellow gummy bear.

Right.
And at first, I'm pissed off.

But a few weeks go by
and I realize I go.

I'm actually excited to see him.

You know,

when he comes home,
I'm pumped up

because he's finally going
to give me my little gummy bear.

I'm waiting for my gummy bear.
You know I want it bad.

And he's training
me, is what he's doing.

I'm like his dog, you know?

And he even one day
he leaves the cage unlocked.

But I don't run away.

Oh, because you're a good boy.

He said I'm a good boy now.
You know I'm learning tricks.

I'm not having accidents
no more.

I'm being where I'm supposed to
go. I'm doing what I gotta do.

You know, and sometimes
I think about leaving, you know?

But then I say to myself,
don't be a moron.

If you leave, you're not going
to get your gummy bears, right?

That's right.

And besides, by now,
I'm dedicated to this guy.

You know, I mean,
I love him. He's my whole world.

I tell him I go to him,
I go, I belong to you.

I'm your creature now.
I would die for you.

So then what happened?

Well, then he kicked my ass.

He waited until I loved him.
And then he kicked my ass.

I'm like, what the hell's going
on? Hey hey hey hey! Watch out!

Tough guy. 3:00. Oh, no.
I gotta check it up.

It's right here, boss.
It's still in there. Good.

Everybody's
a tough guy these days.

I thought we should take
some class.

Ever wish you knew how
your cat was feeling?

Yes. Every dang day. Well,
now you can.

Now, with tidy
care. Kitty litter.

You know, tidy care of kitty
litter.

Provides color changing crystals
for your cat's health

monitoring with new tidy care
technology,

our kitty litter crystals
turn orange

at the first sign
of a health issue, and green

when your little fur baby
is as healthy as can be.

That's incredible.

Thanks. Tidy care.

Oh, what does blue mean? Don't,

Don't worry about it. Oh,

okay. Great.

Hi, honey. Hi.

It's blue again. It is? Yeah.

Well, is the guy still here?
Oh, I don't. I'm here.

Oh, what does blue mean?
You don't want to know.

No, we really do. Oh, okay. But,

Okay.

Our color changing crystals
change to a bright

aquamarine blue at the
first sign of human urine.

What?

The litter turns blue
when people pee on them.

But why? I don't know. It just.

It just does. So that means
someone in this house.

Hey, mom.

Hey, dad.

You don't think our son.

Oh, I do. Jesus Christ,
why are you still here?

Come on. Don't you want to know
who made it blue? It's the cat.

Brother blue ain't no cat.

Can I, mom, can I? Time
now? Can I?

Well, we all know where he's.

Stop.

Damn it!

There goes your cat theory.
Dumb ass.

Danny! Danny, get it in here.

Yeah. Dad, are you peeing
in the litter box?

What? Are you peeing
in the litter box?

No, don't lie to me. I'm not.
I hate you. I hate you.

I hate this house.

It's a weird kid.

Why would you ask him
something like that?

Dennis, he's the crystal. We're
blue. Megan, they were blue.

Hear yourself right now.
It was the cat.

She's just as dumb as the sun.
Stay out of this.

He doesn't do anything wrong.
He's a good kid.

I mean, he plays
cello, for Christ's

sake and pees in the litter box.

Shut up.

Well, then you tell me
what's going on, Megan,

because it sure as hell wasn't
me. And if it wasn't him, then

you are.

Dennis. Oh, my God, it was you.

Hey. Hey. I am a woman.

I would have to squat so low.
It all makes sense.

I haven't seen you pee for days.

You've never seen me
pee. Exactly. You're nuts.

I'm nuts. I'm nuts.
Then what's this?

This entire litter box is blue.
You made the whole thing blue.

The cat.

Blue ain't no cat. Hey,
guys. What?

Is that your dog?

Yeah.
My bad. Blue can also mean dog.

Why would you say that?

Tidy care. Kitty
litter. It's usually the son.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NOAH

KAHAN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪ I CAN'T RECALL THE LAST TIME

THAT WE TALKED ♪

♪ ABOUT ANYTHING BUT LOOKING OUT

FOR COPS ♪

♪ WE GOT CIGARETTE BURNS IN THE

SAME SIDE OF OUR HANDS ♪

♪ WE AIN'T FRIENDS WE'RE JUST

MORONS ♪

♪ WHO BROKE SKIN IN THE SAME

SPOT ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I THINK ABOUT YOU ALL

THE TIME ♪

♪ AND MY DEEP MISUNDERSTANDING

OF YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ HOW BAD IT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR

YOU BACK THEN ♪

♪ AND HOW HARD IT WAS TO KEEP IT

ALL INSIDE ♪

♪ I HOPE YOU SETTLE DOWN I HOPE

YOU MARRY RICH ♪

♪ I HOPE YOU'RE SCARED OF ONLY

ORDINARY-NESS ♪

♪ LIKE MURDERERS AND GHOSTS AND

CANCER ON YOUR SKIN ♪

♪ AND NOT YOUR SOUL AND WHAT HE

MIGHT DO WITH IT ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ YOU INCHED YOURSELF ACROSS THE

GREAT DIVIDE ♪

♪ DROVE AIMLESSLY ALONG WITH THE

TWIN STATE LINE ♪

♪ I HEARD NOTHING BUT THE BASS

IN EVERY BALLAD THAT YOU'D

PLAY ♪

♪ WHILE YOU SWORE TO GOD THE

SINGER READ YOUR MIND ♪

♪ BUT THE WORLD IS SCARED OF

HESITATING THINGS ♪

♪ YEAH THEY ONLY SHOOT THE BIRDS

WHO CANNOT SING ♪

♪ AND I'M FINALLY AWARE OF HOW

PETTY AND UNFAIR ♪

♪ IT WAS TO STARE AHEAD LIKE

EVERYTHING WAS FINE ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ YOU KNOW I THINK ABOUT YOU ALL

THE TIME ♪

♪ AND MY DEEP MISUNDERSTANDING

OF YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ HOW BAD IT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR

YOU BACK THEN ♪

♪ AND HOW HARD IT WAS TO KEEP IT

ALL INSIDE ♪

♪ I HOPE YOU SETTLE DOWN I HOPE

YOU MARRY RICH ♪

♪ I HOPE YOU'RE SCARED OF ONLY

ORDINARY-NESS ♪

♪ LIKE MURDERERS AND GHOSTS AND

CANCER ON YOUR SKIN ♪

♪ AND NOT YOUR SOUL AND WHAT HE

MIGHT DO WITH IT ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ RAGE IN SMALL WAYS DID YOU

WISH THAT I COULD KNOW ♪

♪ YOU'D FADE TO SOME PLACE I

WASN'T BRAVE ENOUGH TO GO ♪

♪ I HOPE YOU SETTLE DOWN

I HOPE YOU MARRY RICH ♪

♪ I HOPE YOU'RE SCARED OF ONLY

ORDINARY-NESS ♪

♪ LIKE MURDERERS AND GHOSTS AND

CANCER ON YOUR SKIN ♪

♪ AND NOT YOUR SOUL AND WHAT HE

MIGHT DO WITH IT ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ AAHHH AAHHH ♪

♪ AAHHH AAHHH ♪

♪ AAHHH AAHHH ♪

♪ I HOPE YOU THREW A BRICK RIGHT

INTO THAT STAINED GLASS ♪

♪ I HOPE YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE WHO

ISN'T SCARED TO ASK ♪

♪ I HOPE THAT YOU'RE NOT LOSING

SLEEP ABOUT WHAT'S NEXT ♪

♪ OR ABOUT YOUR SOUL AND WHAT HE

MIGHT DO WITH IT ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin
Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update I'm
Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well this week
secretary of State Marco Rubio.

Travel

Marco Rubio traveled to Italy
to meet with Pope Leo

in an attempt to repair the U.S.
relationship with the Vatican.

After the Pope requested anyone
but J.D. Vance.

During their meeting,
Marco Rubio

also presented the Pope with
a gift of an egg shaped crystal,

which he bought on his favorite
religious website.

Adam and eve.com.

The Pentagon on Friday released

never before seen files on UFOs.

But don't worry,
the most dangerous flying

objects
have already been eliminated.

The Supreme Court
temporarily restored mail order

access to abortion
pills, citing prom season.

World health
authorities are tracking down

dozens of passengers
who left a cruise ship

where there was
a deadly outbreak of hantavirus,

which is typically caused
by exposure to rodent droppings.

Damn it.

That better not be you, Mickey.

Yeah.

Officials around

the world
are tracking passengers

potentially infected
with the virus.

Which sounds scary, but let
the president calm your fears.

It's a warning.

This is very much. We hope.

Oh, my God, that's.

That's such great news. But why?
Why does that sound familiar?

The words about a pandemic
at the smile of all

you did, where we had it
totally under control.

One person can't get from China

to control.

It's going to be just like.

And it was. So.

It needed them.

President Trump dismissed
weapons fire between the U.S.

and Iran as a love trap.

He also called
gas prices. Gentle sodomy.

FBI Director Casper.

Well, play FBI Director
Casper has reportedly been

giving out
bottles of his personalized

whiskey
to FBI staff. Cash for whiskey

so strong, you won't be able
to see straight.

Jeffrey.

Yeah.

I have limits.

Jeffrey Epstein's alleged
suicide note was released

and contains the phrase,

what you want me to do,
bust out crying,

which is apparently referencing

a line
from a Little Rascals movie.

And I think this note is real,

because Little Rascals
were Epstein's type.

How? Housing Secretary RFK
Jr posted a picture of himself

holding a bird
he caught at Dulles Airport,

and then a second picture
of himself burping.

Fabulous.

The FDA has authorized
its first fruit

flavored e-cigarette,
intended for adults.

Okay, but if it's for adults.
And why is this the commercial?

This week, President Trump met
at the white House

with the president of Brazil,
a parrot with a Bible.

I really wanted
that one to work.

Kamala Harris
has reportedly told donors

that she wants the DNC
to release its autopsy

of what went wrong in the 2024
campaign autopsy?

Come on.

He's not dead.

Remember the parrot?

The Met Gala took
place in New York this week.

Here to give his thoughts
on fashion's

biggest night is conservative

political commentator Tucker
Carlson.

What?

Thank you.

Call in the Met Gala.

A night of fashion
and fun, Really?

Yes. Come on, everybody.

Let's all prance around
in our $100,000 clown outfits

and watch the American
empire crumble.

What are we doing?

What's going on?

Say you didn't like this
year's Met Gala.

Oh, no, I loved it,
because when I go to a museum,

I don't want to talk
about history.

No, I want to
look at the rock in a skirt.

Do you
smell what the rock is cooking?

Because I do. It's
gender confusion.

That's the rule.
That's the goal. Now.

I don't think that's the goal,
I think.

I think it's just, like,
meant to be fun.

Okay, well, what about Madonna?

She named herself
after the Virgin Mary.

And you want to know
my favorite thing

about the mother of
Jesus Christ?

Oh, I know.
The big pirate ship on her head.

And I have to be attracted
to this.

You don't have to be attracted
to any of it.

I mean, weren't there
any outfits you liked?

I mean, Heidi
Klum was fun, right? Oh, yes.

The left has finally gotten
what they've always wanted.

They put the Statue of Liberty
in a burka.

Okay.

And, you know, you know,

you know,
that's not what she was doing.

What's next?

Does the Chrysler Building

become the antique Chrysler
Building? Yes.

What are we doing?
What's going on?

Is this the New York
we want to live in?

Colin,
don't you live in like Maine?

Yes. And let's talk about Maine.

I am a I an e.

Really? The E is silent.

But who silenced it? And why?

What the hell are you?

Yeah, fine.

You're talking about the silent
E in Maine now.

I'm glad you brought it
up, Colin. I did.

And what does that e stand for?
Oh, I know. Euphoria. No.

Oh, yes.

Euphoria.

And no, I'm not talking
about the feeling

I get
when I press one for English.

Come on, man.

Oh, and look who's next.
Coming down the runway.

It's Jafar Jackson,
who had the gall to show up

after starring in the Michael
Jackson movie.

Oh, yes.

Some people were very upset
about that movie.

And they should be.

The movie ends in 1988,
so obviously they avoided

something serious
that needs to be acknowledged.

The part of Michael
Jackson's life

no one wants to talk
about anymore.

Of course,
I'm talking about the part

when he was a white man. Okay.

Oh, sorry, kids.

Michael
Jackson doesn't get to live

a beautiful white life anymore,
Who does that remind me of?

Oh, that's right, all of us.
That's the rule.

That's the goal now. Shemona.
Yeah. More like. Shame on you.

Oh, Jesus.

Steve.

That's just awful.

And now, a word from our sponsor
round bananas.

You want to eat bananas
without looking gay around?

Bananas? Yeah.

No, you can't
do ad reads on the show.

Now let's talk about ASAP
Rocky out ASAP Rocky's outfit.

He was on the red carpet
wearing my least favorite color.

African American.
Okay. That's it.

Tucker Carlson, everyone. Tucker
Carlson on.

What are we doing?
What are you doing?

Tina.

Charles, the.

Tina Charles, the WNBA all time
leading rebounder, announced

that she is retiring.

Charles credits her
rebounding success

to WNBA players missing a lot.

Of. Oh, yeah.

This week was teacher
appreciation Week, so thank you.

Teacher appreciation week.

So thank you to the greatest tea

I want
to take back the applause.

Kyle Rittenhouse,
who opened fire at a 2020

civil rights
rally, was being treated

after being bitten
by a venomous spider

and posted this picture
from the hospital.

And you can see where the spider
bite left.

Two fat lumps.

A woman in Florida was arrested

after she allegedly kicked a boy
at a youth football game.

But on the bright side, it's
good.

It's a dumb.

This week, military officials

would not officially confirm
or deny reports of the U.S.

using kamikaze
dolphins with mines

strapped to their bodies
against Iranian battleships.

Here to end the debate are two
kamikaze dolphins.

Yo yo yo yo yo yo.

We're ready to die
for your country.

And that's all you got
for us to know.

You're you're
you're on your feet, girl. Yeah.

All right,
all right. On your feet.

You don't get on your feet.
Okay, I got to say, I'm shocked.

You guys are real.

How do you even become
a kamikaze dolphin?

Oh, you go dude, the same way
everybody goes.

The army
recruiter came by our reef,

and he
said he had an opportunity.

And frankly, calling.
I had hit reef bottom

at this point
and my life had no purpose.

Wow. Oh,

so you guys, you guys are cool.

Just like swimming into a boat
and blowing yourselves up.

Yeah, man.

I mean, there's not a lot
of options for dolphins, Colin.

I mean, what, we go to SeaWorld.

I'd rather die
than live in Orlando, man.

Plus, if a dolphin dies,
an honorable death in heaven,

you're rewarded
with 72 sturgeons.

Oh, oh, you know porpoise.

Oh, no. We tried hard
pass. It's a good bud.

Sturgeons instead of virgins.

Oh my tail! Colin, look at me.

What did our tails
don't look at?

All we can do is see what we do.

What?

What are you doing?

While you're waiting
to be deployed, can I ask? Oh.

What else? Man? Having sex
as much as possible, right?

Regular
dolphins are already mad horny.

But dolphins who know
they're going to die soon.

Oh, yeah, we're a problem. Yeah,
dude, I got a deep ocean King.

You know what I'm saying, Colin?

I've been swimming down
to the dark zone,

smashing some freaky fugly
anglerfish with the light on it.

Blew it back out last night.
Oh, no.

You know that light show.
You'll love this.

I put that light on its
head in my mouth. Well, I have

a lot more about my mouth.
And I watched.

Oh, yeah, I watched it.

Yeah, but me personally,
I like a thick beach.

I swam my ass up to
a big old honey the other day.

Let's just say I turned that
blue whale into a sperm whale.

Bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam.

Bam! Yeah.

All right,
let's, Let's switch gears.

How do you know which boat
to even swim into? Can I have.

We don't. We're dolphins.
We have no idea.

We're just swimming
with this stuff, man.

But if you have fish,
we work for you.

That's kind of how it is.

So if I have fish,
you'll work for me. Yeah. Yep.

And you guys can sink
any type of boat.

But let's say a ferry.
That's a huge

a huge financial drain
on its owner. Yep.

Yeah. You got fish. We'll do it.

Well then, fellas,
I think I've got a job for you.

Yeah. Oh, fish and
dolphins, everyone. Wow. You

all out of here?

Get the hell out of here.

Doris Fisher,
the co-founder of The Gap,

has died at the age of 94.

She is survived by her gap kids.

A group of middle school
students

in Mississippi
kept their bus from crashing

after the driver
passed out behind the wheel.

The town says

the kids are heroes
who acted quickly,

while the bus driver says,
the kids robbed me of the death.

I have long begged for.

A DoorDash driver in New York

has been indicted on charges
that she recorded

a passed out, naked customer
and posted it on TikTok.

And even worse, she didn't
even get my good side.

This is not a very good sign.

So. Police in new Jersey
are investigating

a construction site
after a porta

potty mysteriously exploded,
though in new Jersey,

that's just the sound of
an angel getting its wings.

That's beautiful.

A recent study found that people
who are chronically late

are more likely to be viewed
by their peers as unpleasant.

Here to comment on
this is Jane Wicklund. Hi.

Hello. And I'm so sorry again
about being late today.

Oh, yeah.

You know, just don't take this
the wrong way.

I just don't understand
how you can be late for a job

that starts at 11:30 p.m.,
right?

Yeah, I know

I have a really hard time
being on time places,

but I know the effect
my lateness has on others,

so I really.
I want to make things right.

I think that's good of you,
Jane.

This song is dedicated to
everyone I've ever made

way for me, and it comes
from the bottom of my heart.

Everyone's asking my age.

Everyone has to get off my ass.

No one needs to know
if I'm on my way.

Calm down and focus on you.

I am late.

What are you going to do?
Nothing.

I thought so.

I am late
and I'm not gonna text you.

I'm not even rushing.

Maybe I'll walk.

Yeah. I thought you wanted
to make things right. Oh, I am.

Someone text the chat. They're
running three minutes behind.

It must be a holiday
where we say useless stuff.

Dan says this theater doesn't
have previews.

Take a Klonopin. Dan.

You're stressing me out.

You want to know
if I'm on my way?

Guess what, bitch?

I'm going to show up 40 minutes
late with an ice cream cone.

40 minutes late
with an ice cream cone.

40 minutes late
with an ice cream cone.

I look you straight in the eyes.
Say the trains were slow

with ice cream dripping all down
my hand.

40 minutes late
with an ice cream cone.

It just seems like you don't
respecting other people's time.

Well,
it's more complicated than that.

It's not that I don't respect
your time.

It's just that
looking at my phone matters

more than our friendship.

People
should build their schedules

around me and generally treat me
like I am God.

Introducing our lovely backup
dancers, Lolo and Rebecca, who.

Now give it up to them. Sorry.

Where are they?

They're late.
As if they're right.

If I were early,
then I would have to wait.

And I would rather it be you.

So I'm going to show up
40 minutes late

with an ice cream cone
at 40 minutes late.

And I'm on my phone 40 minutes
late. Six melting scoops.

I tried like a hundred samples,

40 minutes
late, and I picked vanilla.

There was a huge
line and I paid with a check.

I was born late and I will die.

Never. I will get there
when I get there.

If I get there, I am late.

And that won't kill you.
You can all go to hell.

You can go to hell.

I'm late,
Jane Wickline everyone.

Oh, they're here now for Weekend
Update.

I'm Colin Jost, I'm Michael che.
Good night.

Where were you? You had one cue

>>> SO AGAIN, THOSE ARE SOME OF

THE KEY ELEMENTS OF THE ROARING

'20s.

MR. CONNELLY WILL GO INTO

GREATER DETAIL WHEN HE'S FEELING

BETTER AND HE'S BACK IN CLASS,

HOPEFULLY TOMORROW.

ANY QUESTIONS?

WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF TIME.

I JUST WANT TO SAY, IT HAS BEEN

AN HONOR AND A PRIVILEGE TO BE

YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER.

YOU'VE ALL BEEN SO ATTENTIVE AND

RESPECTFUL.

THAT'S NOT ALWAYS THE CASE, I

CAN TELL YOU.

AND SENSE YOU'VE BEEN SO

WELL-BEHAVED -- A LITTLE TREAT.

I THOUGHT FOR THE LAST FEW

MINUTES, I'D GIVE EVERYONE A

CHANCE JUST TO KIND OF LET LOOSE

AND GET OUT OF YOUR SEATS.

THEN, YOU KNOW, DANCE A LITTLE

BIT, ALL RIGHT?

♪♪

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

WHOA!

LET'S DO IT, GUYS.

HERE WE GO.

WE'RE JUST GOING TO LET LOOSE.

JUST COME ON UP AND DANCE.

HERE WE GO.

WE DON'T GET TO DO THIS EVERY

DAY, I KNOW.

COME ON.

HERE WE GO.

WE'RE GOING TO GET THE WIGGLES

OUT.

FEELING OUR BODIES A LITTLE BIT.

DAVID, I SEE YOU, YOU'RE READY

TO LET LOOSE.

COME ON OUT.

COME ON, BUDDY.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO DANCE WITH

YOUR TEACHER.

IT'S OKAY.

COME ON, DAVID.

COME ON.

GET UP HERE.

GIVE IT UP.

HANG ON, HANG ON.

IZZY?

I KNOW YOU'RE SHY.

YOU'RE SHY.

OKAY, BUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR, I

HAVE A FEELING YOU'RE GOING TO

BE LIKE SHAKIRA.

COME ON, LET'S DO SOME OF THAT.

COME ON.

SAMMY, WE KNOW YOU CAN DANCE.

COME ON, SAMMY.

COME ON UP HERE.

SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT.

WAIT, I SEE FRANKLIN'S ABOUT

READY TO JUMP IN HERE.

FRANKLIN, COME TAKE OVER MY

SPOT.

TAKE OVER MY TERRITORY.

LET'S GO.

FRANKLIN'S FEELING IT.

COME ON, HOLD ON, WAIT.

JESSE'S GOING TO BEAT FRANKLIN

UP HERE?

OH-OH, WE GOT A BATTLE COMING,

GUYS.

GIRLS, GET UP HERE.

DON'T PLAY ME, GIRLS.

COME ON.

DAPHNE KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

DAPHNE'S ABOUT TO BREAK OUT SOME

OF THOSE BAT MITZVAH MOVES.

COME ON.

AND I SEE HIM ABOUT TO MAKE A

MOVE, AMBER.

IT'S AN AMBER ALERT.

GO, AMBER.

GO AMBER.

GO AMBER.

RICK'S FEELING IT TOO.

RIGHT?

RICK IS ABOUT TO TAXI UP HERE.

HERE WE GO.

FRANKLIN.

FRANKLIN, RHETT.

FRANKLIN, RHETT.

I'M ON A FISHING EXPEDITION.

HERE WE GO.

OH, LET'S PULL HER IN, LET'S

PULL HER IN.

TEST.

WE'RE GOING TO REEL HER IN RIGHT

NOW.

SHE'S GOING TO GET THE WIGGLES

OUT.

YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS.

CAN'T TOUCH THIS.

I'M BRINGING YOU BACK TO MY DAY.

COME ON, EVERYBODY UP.

LET'S GO!

COME ON.

EVERYBODY UP.

EVERYBODY DOWN.

EVERYBODY UP.

EVERYBODY DOWN.

EVERYBODY -- EVERYBODY DOWN.

EVERYBODY UP.

EVERYBODY DOWN.

NOW SCREAM!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHOO!

ALL RIGHT!

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT.

WELL.

THAT WAS FUN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT WAS A LOT OF FUN.

A LOT OF FUN, REALLY FUN, WOW.

REALLY A LOT OF FUN.

I MIGHT ACTUALLY HEAD OUT A

LITTLE BEFORE YOU GUYS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MAYBE TAKE THE BOOM BOX AND JUST

KIND OF GET IN MY CAR, MAYBE

LEAVE.

JUST BEFORE YOU GUYS, MAYBE.

JUST HEAD HOME AND STAY HOME,

YOU KNOW.

MAYBE MOVE, MAYBE A DIFFERENT

COUNTRY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT YEAH, IT'S ALL GOOD.

FEELING GOOD FOR THE SUMMER!

WHAT?

HARD TO COMPLAIN WHEN IT'S

ALMOST SUMMER!

QUE.

YEAH, YEAH, THAT WAS FUN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT WAS REALLY -- REALLY --

REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY

FUN.

OKAY.

THANKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> DID -- DID THAT HAPPEN?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I'D PREFER TO PRETEND THAT IT

DIDN'T HAPPEN.

>> HEY, GUYS.

I CAN SEE HIM.

HE'S IN THE PARKING LOT.

HE'S JUST KIND OF STANDING THERE

WITH HIS HEAD AGAINST A TREE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HEY, RICK?

ISN'T THAT YOUR DAD?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YES.

YEAH, THAT'S -- THAT'S MY DAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I'M SORRY, BRO.

THESE NEXT FEW WEEKS GOING TO BE

REALLY, REALLY BAD FOR YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YEAH, THEY REALLY ARE, HUH?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> ONCE AGAIN, NOAH KAHAN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I GREW UP PRETENDING

STICKS WERE LITTLE GUNS ♪

♪ I WOULD POINT 'EM

AT MY DAD AND HE'D GET MAD

'CAUSE GOD FORBID

I HURT SOMEONE ♪

♪ I'D HURT ANYONE I COULD

ANYONE WHO GOT TOO CLOSE

ANYONE WHO WOULDN'T LOOK ♪

♪ I WAS BORN INTO A

100-YEAR STORM

FOOT OF ICE ACROSS VERMONT ♪

♪ AND IN THAT DARK

AND IN THAT FROST

A HEART WAS FORMED

MALCONTENTED AND UNWARM ♪

♪ YOU WERE UNSUSPECTING

NOT UNWARNED

THAT I'M THE TROUBLE AHEAD

THAT I SCREAM IN MY SLEEP ♪

♪ YOU'RE PUTTING MONEY

ON RED

I'M A SURE BET AT A

LOSING STREAK ♪

♪ I KEEP SHOWING YOU DOORS

BUT YOU CAN'T OPEN THEM UP ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IT GETS HARDER

TO SEE ME THE CLOSER

YOU TRY TO LOOK ♪

♪ I JUST LIVE HERE BABE

BUT YOU'RE THE ONE

WHO DECIDED TO KNOCK

YOU KNOCKED ♪

♪ HAVE YOU EVER STARED

DIRECTLY AT THE SUN ♪

♪ HAVE YOU EVER SHARED

SOME CLOSENESS SO EXPOSED

TO HAVE IT SPIT BACK

BY SOMEONE ♪

♪ SO FORGIVE ME IF I JUMP

AT THE RATTLE OF YOUR KEYS

OH ARE YOU LEAVING

NO BABE I'M JUST WAKING UP ♪

♪ AND NOW WHAT

I'M LEFT STARING

AT THE CEILING ♪

♪ LISTING REASONS

YOU SHOULD PACK ALL YOUR

THINGS UP ♪

♪ I'M THE TROUBLE AHEAD I SCREAM

IN MY SLEEP ♪

♪ YOU'RE PUTTING MONEY

ON RED

I'M A SURE BET AT A

LOSING STREAK ♪

♪ I KEEP SHOWING YOU DOORS

BUT YOU CAN'T OPEN THEM UP ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IT GETS HARDER

TO SEE ME THE CLOSER

YOU TRY TO LOOK ♪

♪ I JUST LIVE HERE BABE

BUT YOU'RE THE ONE

WHO DECIDED TO KNOCK

YOU KNOCKED ♪

"SNL"!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I'LL BE GONE SO LONG

BEFORE THE ANGER COMES

I'LL BE ONLY WHAT YOU'VE

KNOWN OF ME 'TIL NOW ♪

♪ OH HOW I HOPE

YOU'RE MOVING ON ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M THE

TROUBLE AHEAD

AND I SCREAM IN MY SLEEP ♪

♪ YOU'RE PUTTING MONEY

ON RED

I'M A SURE BET AT A

LOSING STREAK ♪

♪ I KEEP SHOWING YOU DOORS

BUT YOU CAN'T OPEN THEM UP ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IT GETS HARDER

TO SEE ME THE CLOSER

YOU TRY TO LOOK ♪

♪ I JUST LIVE HERE BABE

BUT YOU'RE THE ONE

I JUST LIVE HERE BABE

BUT YOU'RE THE ONE ♪

♪ I JUST LIVE HERE BABE

BUT YOU'RE THE ONE ♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> AND NOW A SCENE FROM THE

CRUMBLING MARRIAGE OF TWO

AUCTIONEERS.

>> IIIIIIII'M HOME, HONEY BUNNY.

HONEY BUNNY, HONEY BUNNY.

CAN I GET A SMILE?

CAN I GET A HI?

CAN I GET A HELLO?

CAN I GET A HUG, PLEASE, HONEY

BUNNY?

>> WELLLLLLLLL LOOK WHO COMES

CRAWLING HOME LATE AS SIN.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, BEEN, BEEN,

BEEN, BEEN, BEEN, BEEN?

I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR 2, 2,

3, 3, DO I HEAR 4, 4, 5, 5

5, 5, 5, 5 HOURS.

YOU SAID YOU'D BE HOME BY 8:00,

8:15, 8:30, 8:35 WITH TRAFFIC.

NOW IT'S 11:45, 11:50, DO I HEAR

11:55, 55, 55, 55, MIDNIGHT.

BOLD, COMING FROM THE MAN PAST

HIS PRIME IN A COWBOY HAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I CAN EXPLAIN, DARLIN'.

IT WAS BUMPER TO BUMPER, BUMPER

TO BUMPER, BUMPER TO BUMPER

TO BUTCHER TO BUMPER.

I TOOK I-10, I-10, CAN I GET AN

I-10, I-10, I-10, THEN TO I-20,

TO I-20, I-20, THEN I-30, THEN

I-30, THEN I-30.

THEN I GOT OFF AT EXIT 40.

AND WENT THROUGH THE WHATABURGER

DRIVE-THRU AND GOT A HONEY

BUTTER CHICKEN BISCUIT AND TOOK

MY TIME.

>> MEAAAAAANWHILE!

YOU GOT A WOMAN WAITIN' FOR YOU

AT HOME, NOW FOLKS, THIS IS A

FINE WOMAN.

THIS WOMAN IS LEAN AND MEAN AND

WEANED.

SHE WEIGHS NOT 80 POUNDS, NOT

90, NOT 91, NOT 92, NOT

92 1/2 -- NOT 92 3/4 -- NOT 92

7/8 -- NOT 92 8/9 --

>> HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER EVERY

SINGLE DAY SINCE THE DAY WE WERE

WED.

>> HOW DARE YOU.

>> MEANWHILE, FOLKS, I CAN SMELL

IT.

I CAN SMELL IT, I CAN SMELL IT

FROM HERE.

YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING, DRINKING,

DRINKING.

ONE GLASS, TWO GLASS, THREE

GLASS, FOUR --

CAN I GET A BOTTLE?

1 BOTTLE, 2 BOTTLES, 3 BOTTLES,

4 BOTTLES --

>> RICH COMING FROM YOU, WHEN

YOU REEK OF PERFUME AND GOT LIP

GLOSS ON YOUR COLLAR.

I KNOW YOU'RE WITH SINFUL GIRLS.

I KNOW YOU WERE WITH BELLA,

BAILEY, BOBBI, BAMBIE, BIRDIE,

BULLA, BUGGY, BETSY, BETTY,

BONNIE, BRENDA, AND JEWISH

SAMANTHA.

>> NO.

NO.

NO.

NO.

NO.

MAYBE.

>> YOU WERE WITH BETTY BOTTER,

AND I BET YOU BOUGHT HER BUTTER.

>> I WOULD NEVER BUY HER BUTTER

'CAUSE I KNOW YOUR BUTTER'S

BETTER.

>> I KNOW YOU LIKE HER BUTTER

BETTER 'CAUSE I BET HER BUTTER'S

HOTTER.

>> NOW, HOW CAN YOU BLAME ME,

FOLKS?

WHEN HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE HAD

SEX IN THE LAST YEAR?

WAS IT 20 TIMES?

CAN I GET 20 TIMES, 20 TIMES, 20

TIMES?

WAS IT 10?

NOT 10.

WAS IT FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO,

ONE -- NO, FOLKS, IT'S BEEN --

ZERO SEX IN THE LAST CALENDAR

YEAR.

>> WELL, FOLKS, THERE ARE

REASONS FOR THAT.

REASONS I WILL ILLUMINATE

PRESENTLY.

I HAD A HEADACHE, I HAD A

BACKACHE, I HAD A TOOTHACHE, I

WAS COLD.

I HAD A BAD DAY, I HAD A LONG

NIGHT, I HAD A BIG LUNCH, I WAS

TIRED.

I HAD A PHONE CALL WITH MY

SISTER, I HAD A PHONE CALL WITH

MY MOTHER, I HAD A FIGHT ON A

PHONE CALL WITH MY SISTER AND MY

MOTHER.

I HAD A HEADACHE, I HAD A

MIGRAINE, MOST IMPORTANTLY I AM

OLD!

AND HONEY BUNNY, THE THOUGHT OF

YOUR NAKED WHATABURGER BODY

LITERALLY DISGUSTS MEEEE!

>> I WANT A DIVORCE!

>> I WANT A DIVORCE!

>> YOU DO?

MAYBE THAT'D BE FOR THE BEST.

>> WELL, FOLKS.

IT HAS COME TO THIS.

IT LOOKS AS IF THIS MARRIAGE IS

GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE, LAST

CHANCE FOLKS, AND THIS MARRIAGE

IS --

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT

MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA, DAD DAD DAD

DAD.

>> DO I HEAR YOU'RE GETTING A

DIVORCE?

IS IT MY FAULT?

>> MY FAULT?

>> MY FAULT?

>> MY FAULT?

>> I JUST SAID THE QUIET PART

OUT LOUD.

BUT DON'T WORRY, BOYS, WE HAVE A

SPECIAL OFFER TODAY.

WHO WANTS DADDY ON WEEKENDS?

CAN I GET DADDY ON WEEKENDS?

DADDY ON WEEKENDS.

NOBODY?

NOBODY?

OKAY.

WHO WANTS DADDY ON CHRISTMAS?

DADDY ON CHRISTMAS?

ANYBODY WANTS -- DO WE HAVE --

>> YUUUUUUUPP!

>> WE GOT ONE TAKER.

NOW REMEMBER, FOLKS, THIS IS DAD

ON CHRISTMAS.

WE'RE TALKING DIRT BIKES, PS5s,

AND PIZZA, PIZZA, PIZZA.

>> YUUUUUPP!

>> YUUUUUPP!

>> YUUUUUPP!

>> THE VIBES WILL BE WORSE AT

DADDY'S HOUSE, BUT THERE WILL BE

MORE TV AND A LOT LESS RULES --

>> YUUUUUPPP!

>> I HEARD Y'ALL YELLING NEXT

DOOR.

AND I'D LIKE TO MAKE AN OFFER ON

THE LITTLE LADY WHO IS NO LONGER

SPOKEN FOR.

>> NEIGHBOR FRANK?

BIDDING ON LIL OLE ME?

>> YES, MA'AM.

I AM A FREAK IN THE BEDROOM.

WE CAN DO IT UPSIDE DOWN, ON ALL

FOURS, FROM THE FRONT, FROM THE

BACK, FROM THE SIDE, DOGGY

178
FRIED.

>> NOOOOW, HEARING YOU ALL

FANCY ON MY WIFE HAS CAUSED ME

TO RE-ENTER THE BIDDING.

CAN I GET A SECOND CHANCE?

CAN I GET A SECOND CHANCE?

SECOND CHANCE?

SECOND CHANCE?

HOW ABOUT A THIRD CHANCE?

HOW ABOUT A FOURTH CHANCE?

CAN I GET ANY KIND OF CHANCE AT

ALL?

BECAUSE TO ME YOU ARE

PRICELESS.

THAT'S RIGHT, BABY DOLL, YOU ARE

PRICELESS.

>> SOLD.

TO ME.

THE HAPPIEST LIL' LADY ON EARTH!

>> YUUUUUUUP!

>> YUUUUUUUP!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> THANK YOU TO NOAH KAHAN AND
AZIZ ANSARI

THE CREW AND HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

TO ALL THE WONDERFUL MOTHERS OUT

THERE.

WE LOVE YOU!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪