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And now the NCAA Final Four
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00:00:05,772 --> 00:00:08,775
postgame show.
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00:00:10,277 --> 00:00:10,911
Welcome back
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00:00:11,245 --> 00:00:13,914
to the post game
show sponsored by Capital One.
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00:00:13,981 --> 00:00:15,415
We hope you enjoyed that
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00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:17,518
commercial
where spike Lee, Samuel L
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00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:20,921
Jackson, and Jennifer Garner
are supposed to be friends.
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I'm Ernie Johnson here
with Kenny the Jet Smith,
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00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:26,760
sir Charles Barkley,
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00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,263
and Coach Bruce Pearl.
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00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:31,465
Well, fellas,
let's let's talk about tonight's
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00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:35,402
first game where Connecticut
beat Illinois 71 to 62.
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Oh, that night
for Illinois's offense, indeed.
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They got sit down fast
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00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:45,512
and then let me ask
for temporary autograph.
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Yeah, Ernie.
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Man, that game was miraculous.
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It was spectacular.
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I mean, one could call it
miracle tackler.
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Absolutely.
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00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:57,791
It was almost as impressive
as when Chuck spoke
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so eloquently about immigrants
last week.
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Oh, well, thank you very much.
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That's right, that's right.
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That's right. Chuckster.
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Now, you got a lot of love
for your passionate defense
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00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:10,170
of the immigrant experience
on this very show.
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Oh, well,
I got to tell you, man,
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00:01:11,471 --> 00:01:14,241
all kinds of people were texting
me, emailing me.
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It's the first time I went viral
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without a prescription
for Valtrex.
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People love sincere
Charles Barkley.
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They do rhyme.
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It's crazy, man.
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All right, well, let's move on
to the highlights from tonight.
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Oh, before we do, Ernie,
can I say something?
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Oh. Sure.
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Now, this might get me fired,
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so I'm going to choose my words
real careful right now.
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Look, there's a war going
on, and, between us and Iran,
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war was terrible.
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Innocent people getting killed.
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And I don't care who started it.
But we need to end it. Okay.
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Amen.
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I appreciate you.
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Thank you. Charles.
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Let's
let's talk about the late game
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where Michigan beat Arizona.
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Coach Pearl, any thoughts?
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Oh, tons.
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Okay.
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Care to share? No.
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Well, it was a great game.
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I mean,
I like Michigan toughness.
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But first, can I say something
real quick, Ernie?
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Sure. Okay.
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I'm going to choose my words
like, real careful here.
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The Artemis
two space mission is,
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where's the money?
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Now, I know
I don't always pick the house.
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And last
but name even going to the moon.
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They just
flying around the moon.
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What's the point of that?
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It's like telling your kids
you're going to Disney World,
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and then you just take them
to goofy like D and go home.
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I mean, the mission is wrong,
and, we need to end it.
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All right.
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Thank you. Charles.
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Why don't we get back
to basketball? Okay.
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Michigan's win tonight
really upended expectations.
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Yeah, they were the underdog.
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I bet a lot of people lost money
on this one.
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Well, you know, it's crazy.
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You can bet on anything now.
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00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,748
You guys seeing these signs
like caution?
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00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:02,649
Oh, yeah.
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00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:04,451
Where you can, like,
bet on stuff like,
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00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:07,320
who win The Masked Singer worse
than that, man.
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00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,021
You can bet on
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00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:11,958
what your favorite sports
commentator will say on live TV.
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Watch this.
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Rumplestiltskin. But
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I just made $200,000.
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Charles. We got to.
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We got to get back to business.
Oh, absolutely.
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Absolutely.
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But, first,
can I say something, Ernie?
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Is it
going to be about basketball?
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Possibly.
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How good could the camera,
slowly put your hand on me?
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Yeah. That's good.
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00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:39,219
Now, I'm going to do two of
my words very carefully here.
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As Attorney General Pam Bondi
was, and I don't say this often.
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Terrible.
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00:03:44,524 --> 00:03:46,493
It is a shame
when somebody gets fired.
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But we should all get.
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We should all be glad that
that freckle chested dragon
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00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:54,301
lady is gone.
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Yeah.
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00:03:57,404 --> 00:04:01,041
And not to mention Kristi Noem,
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00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:04,044
whose husband looks like he's
starring in Big Mama House for.
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00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,480
Look.
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The whole thing is a sham
mockery.
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Fellas,
I have a surprising development
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since Charles has been talking
politics.
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The FCC has demanded that
we give equal time.
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00:04:17,457 --> 00:04:20,327
So here to defend herself
is former attorney
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General Pam Bondi.
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Hello, gentlemen.
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Whoa whoa whoa.
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So great to be here at the final
four years of this country.
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Ma'am, what are you doing here?
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I'm sorry, Charles,
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but I can't let the lies
you said about me go unanswered.
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The truth is,
I was amazing at my job.
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And I am proud to say
I made history
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as the first woman ever
to be fired as attorney general.
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I shattered
that glass exit door.
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Know.
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00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:03,203
Pam, I'm so sorry.
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00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:04,404
I just don't.
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My God, I miss it already.
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00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:07,040
I miss it already.
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00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:07,841
And they threw my
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00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:11,912
headshot in the trash
like it was the Epstein files.
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00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:14,047
Come on. What am I gonna do?
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I'm sure you're going to have
other opportunities.
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00:05:16,683 --> 00:05:18,351
Yeah, you could work in sports.
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00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:20,887
I mean, you already look like
a women's basketball coach
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00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:23,890
who got suspended
for pulling on a player's brain.
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You think so?
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Yeah.
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00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:33,834
That's so nice.
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00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:34,901
Oh, it's so nice.
135
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:36,636
Yeah, yeah. No problem.
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00:05:36,636 --> 00:05:40,840
Hey, Ernie,
can I say something real quick?
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00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:41,608
Sure.
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00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:45,579
Now I'm going to choose
my words, very carefully here.
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Live from
New York on Saturday night.
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>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
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00:05:54,721 --> 00:05:57,858
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
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MUSICAL GUEST JACK WHITE.
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AND YOUR HOST, JACK BLACK.
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- JACK
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BLACK!
146
00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:28,808
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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Ooh! Oh my God.
148
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:32,946
Thank you.
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00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:33,813
Thank you. Oh.
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00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:37,817
Thank you.
I am so thrilled to be back
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00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:42,789
hosting
SNL for the fifth time. Oh!
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Come on.
153
00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:47,794
It's a huge honor
to join the Five Timers Club.
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I'm a five timer.
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00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:52,665
Oh. Why?
156
00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:56,803
It's not you here. Jonah Hill.
157
00:08:56,803 --> 00:08:59,606
Oh, my God, buddy.
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This is so nice and velvety.
159
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,209
It is so good to see you.
160
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:04,711
What have you been up to, man?
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00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:08,615
Well, I've actually been working
on Superbad two. What?
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00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:12,752
Really? No, I just really like
the sound of applause.
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00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:13,987
Good to know.
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00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:18,124
So, are you going to take me
to that kick ass lounge?
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00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:20,326
Yes. But, Jack,
we need your help.
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00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:22,695
There's something wrong
with the Five Timers Club.
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00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,097
What? No. Let's go.
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00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,667
Three. Two.
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00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:29,502
One and go.
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00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:34,340
No! Do you see what I mean?
Yes. You're right.
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00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:38,111
It feels like there's evil
lurking around every corner.
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00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:39,345
Scary goblin.
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00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:43,616
No, no, it's just me.
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Oh, it's just.
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00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:53,092
It's just.
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00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:55,361
It's just me. It's just regular
Tina Fey.
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00:09:55,361 --> 00:09:58,531
I wanted to congratulate you
on a historic night.
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00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:03,336
You're officially the first
black in the Five Timers club.
179
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:07,841
Tina, what's become of this once
glorious place?
180
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,509
You know, it's seen better days.
181
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,177
What started off as a one off
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00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:12,278
joke in a Tom Hanks
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00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:14,948
monologue has been brought back
so many times,
184
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,450
it is literally been
run into the ground.
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00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,185
For example, and this is true.
186
00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:24,457
This is my fifth five
Timers Club sketch. Wow.
187
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,859
A double five timer.
188
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:28,128
Is that why you're wearing that
special jacket?
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00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,797
Oh, no. This is actually
my first timer's jacket
190
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,166
from SNL, UK. Wow.
191
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:36,836
I, I think it's
192
00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:42,842
made out of Paddington.
193
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:52,585
You know,
194
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:56,956
I spent a night with Paddington
in 76 and Candice Bergen.
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00:10:56,956 --> 00:10:59,626
You saucy minx.
196
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:00,226
Yeah.
197
00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:03,196
Let's just say
we found something that he likes
198
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:08,034
way more than marmalade.
Candice.
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00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:11,571
What a bitch can█t party.
200
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:15,208
Speaking of party.
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00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:22,282
There's always home.
202
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:22,849
Party!
203
00:11:22,982 --> 00:11:27,120
No where I can just get a drink.
204
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,188
I can't find one.
205
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:30,223
Melissa, you're telling me
206
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:33,092
there's no booze in the Five
Timers lounge?
207
00:11:33,092 --> 00:11:34,027
Yeah. That's right.
208
00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:38,431
Oh, they've got all these warm
cans of John Mulaney's beer.
209
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,400
Those are nonalcoholic,
though, right?
210
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:44,270
Not if you fill them
with vodka. Oh.
211
00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:51,277
Yeah.
212
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:54,047
You know, desperate times
call for desperate measures.
213
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:57,250
Did someone say desperate
measures?
214
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,619
So, Domingo, you're in here.
215
00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:01,854
Have you been on the show
five times?
216
00:12:01,854 --> 00:12:04,924
Yes. If you count this one.
217
00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:07,894
No. Hey, Jack came all this way.
218
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:10,063
Had to explain that my name is.
219
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:14,801
Don't you? Oh.
220
00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:22,575
No. No cast members allowed.
221
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,645
Well, it's my hero,
Professor Snape.
222
00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:28,848
That is not Professor Snape.
It's five time musical guest.
223
00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:35,054
And my partner tonight,
Jack white.
224
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:35,421
Thank you.
225
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,490
But, unfortunately,
I have to be going.
226
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:38,858
Why so soon?
227
00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:41,761
Well,
the five time musical guests
228
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:45,231
only get their parking validated
for 15 minutes.
229
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:49,202
So, I have to move my hearse.
230
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,838
Enough is enough.
It's time to fix this place.
231
00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:53,640
The only way I know how.
232
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,375
With the power of rock.
233
00:12:55,375 --> 00:13:01,981
Tina might be.
234
00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:04,217
Candice! Let's go.
235
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,152
>> OKAY.
236
00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:07,153
♪ I'M BACK HOSTING
237
00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:08,121
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
238
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:11,090
FOR THE FIFTH TIME ♪
239
00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:11,858
♪ AND IF I DON'T CRUSH IT
240
00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:15,628
IT WOULD BE A CRIME ♪
241
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,096
♪ EVERYTHING ABOUT THE
242
00:13:17,096 --> 00:13:21,367
LOUNGE IS BROKEN AND WRONG ♪
243
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:22,101
♪ BUT I'M GONNA FIX IT
244
00:13:22,101 --> 00:13:23,102
BY SINGING THE WORLD'S
245
00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:27,607
MOST ROCKIN' SONG ♪
246
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:29,609
♪ RING-DIGA-DING-DING
247
00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:32,111
DING DING DING
248
00:13:32,111 --> 00:13:34,113
RING-DIGA-DING-DING
249
00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:37,083
DING DING DING DING DING ♪
250
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:38,618
[ "SEVEN NATION ARMY" RIFF ]
251
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:39,585
>> JACK WHITE, GET BACK OUT
252
00:13:39,585 --> 00:13:40,887
HERE.
253
00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:41,854
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
254
00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:43,089
♪♪
255
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:44,357
>> NOW GIVE ME A CHOIR OF
256
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:47,093
MARCHING WIZARDS.
257
00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:53,366
♪ OHH OH OH OH OH OH OH ♪
258
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:54,334
♪ OHH OH OH OH OH OH OH ♪
259
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,902
♪ I'M GONNA MAKE IT RIGHT
260
00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:57,336
THE FIVE-TIMERS ARMY
261
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,605
GONNA LIFT THE CURSE ♪
262
00:13:59,605 --> 00:14:00,606
♪ WE GOT JACK BLACK
263
00:14:00,606 --> 00:14:04,377
AND WHITE ♪
264
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:05,344
♪ HE'S SHREDDING ON HIS AXE
265
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:06,346
WHILE I SING THE
266
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:11,617
NEXT VERSE ♪
267
00:14:11,617 --> 00:14:12,151
♪ WE GOT MELISSA,
268
00:14:12,218 --> 00:14:12,785
CANDICE BERGEN, JONAH HILL
269
00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:13,419
AND BRITISH TINA FEY ♪
270
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:13,986
♪ IT'S MY NIGHTMARE
271
00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:14,420
BLUNT ROTATION
272
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:14,987
AND I THINK IT'S GONNA
273
00:14:14,987 --> 00:14:20,426
SAVE THE DAY ♪
274
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:23,096
♪♪
275
00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:24,364
♪ AND WHEN I PUT
276
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:25,631
THIS JACKET ON
277
00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:26,599
YOU KNOW I FEEL LIKE
278
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:28,101
I AM READY TO HOST ♪
279
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:31,370
♪ OHH OH OH OH OH OH OH
280
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:35,608
OHH OH OH OH OH OH
281
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:39,112
OH OH OH ♪
282
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:43,583
♪ OHH OH OH OH OH OH OH
283
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:46,919
OH OH OH ♪
284
00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:47,587
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS
285
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:48,354
REALLY HAPPENING.
286
00:14:48,354 --> 00:14:49,889
I THINK I'M IN HEAVEN.
287
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,157
AM I IN HEAVEN?
288
00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:53,126
YOU GUYS, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?
289
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:53,726
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
290
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,194
WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW
291
00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:56,629
TONIGHT.
292
00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:58,998
JACK BLACK IS HERE.
293
00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,000
JACK WHITE IS HERE
294
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:01,901
OH OH OH ♪
295
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,669
JUST STICK AROUND AND WE'LL BE
296
00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:06,105
RIGHT BACK!
297
00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,554
I just came from the gym.
298
00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:22,989
That's
why I'm a little out of breath.
299
00:15:22,989 --> 00:15:27,827
All right, gang, what's everyone
digging into for lunch today?
300
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:29,962
Turkey. Chicken salad.
301
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:35,501
I got a tofu wrapped tofu. Yeah.
I'm trying, vegan again.
302
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:39,839
Cut it tomorrow with a burger.
With a burger? Oh, yeah. So.
303
00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:42,875
I love that.
304
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:45,945
We talking lunch?
305
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,613
What?
306
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,483
I'm doing homemade nachos.
307
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,952
God. Cathy's here.
308
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:56,823
I didn't even see her come
in. Do we invite her over?
309
00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:59,158
Oh, no. No. We cannot.
310
00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:03,196
I wish there was another way
to say this, but I hate her.
311
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:05,932
Me too. She's the worst.
312
00:16:05,932 --> 00:16:09,068
Y'all ever heard
of these things?
313
00:16:09,068 --> 00:16:12,872
Nachos? Yes,
we've heard of nachos.
314
00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:14,874
Okay, Cathy, enjoy your lunch.
315
00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:17,710
Oh, I will.
Brought these from home.
316
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,378
I'd share with you,
but I crushed up
317
00:16:19,378 --> 00:16:22,448
some of my pills into the beans.
318
00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:24,617
Got to trick myself like a dog.
319
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:27,887
Otherwise
I won't take my birth control.
320
00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:31,958
Don't worry, it's not TMI. It's
not for sex.
321
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:33,292
It's for acne.
322
00:16:33,292 --> 00:16:36,429
Wait issues, uterine
growth, excess hair,
323
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:41,033
overall mood issues,
dry mouth, and yes, sex, I wish.
324
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:46,939
Hey, who said that?
I did. Quiet!
325
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,274
Don't yell at her.
326
00:16:48,274 --> 00:16:53,079
Guys, guys, let's just ignore
her and talk amongst ourselves.
327
00:16:53,079 --> 00:16:54,881
Good idea. Yeah. Yeah.
328
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:58,017
Did you guys get the Windows
Update on your desktop today?
329
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,919
Yeah I did. Yeah. Like how?
330
00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:04,323
Oh, I have work to do.
331
00:17:04,323 --> 00:17:06,292
We talking tech.
332
00:17:06,292 --> 00:17:07,326
Oh my God.
333
00:17:07,326 --> 00:17:11,731
Just take.
334
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:14,834
We talking tech.
335
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:17,203
I feel bad. Don't.
336
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:20,740
You gave her an inch.
She'll take a while.
337
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:23,175
We talk in tech.
338
00:17:23,175 --> 00:17:27,413
Yes, Cathy, we're talking
tech. No. What? I'm sorry.
339
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:30,950
Yeah, well, speaking of tech,
got myself a new phone.
340
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:33,819
It's called a grasshopper.
It's only 599.
341
00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:36,789
I get to call my mom
and the cops.
342
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:39,825
You don't even have to charge
the damn thing. It's disposable.
343
00:17:39,825 --> 00:17:43,029
You make a couple calls,
you throw it away.
344
00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:44,463
That's very cool, Kathy.
345
00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:48,901
Oh, I'm addicted to this
thing. Y'all play numbers.
346
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,203
What is numbers?
347
00:17:51,203 --> 00:17:53,372
It's the number one
game on grasshopper.
348
00:17:53,372 --> 00:17:55,107
Right now. You just sift
through the numbers.
349
00:17:55,107 --> 00:17:55,808
They got a mall.
350
00:17:55,808 --> 00:18:02,281
They got one, two, three, four.
351
00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:07,353
They got five, six, seven.
352
00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:10,623
I don't think they have a
oh, God, they have eight,
353
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:13,059
but I don't think they have.
Oh my God, they have nine.
354
00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:17,396
Oh wow. Oh they got shut
up. Coffee
355
00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:18,464
too. Right.
356
00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:22,868
Dude,
you cannot yell like that, man.
357
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:25,771
You have to go ahead.
358
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:29,709
Wait, wait. No. Don't quit.
Not quit.
359
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:34,280
Then promise me that next time
she tries to put in this thing.
360
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:39,418
I think the goalkeeper can just
get that in and she will stop.
361
00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:45,157
Don't you promise? Okay.
We promise. Thank you.
362
00:18:45,157 --> 00:18:49,061
Now, can we finally talk about
survivor? Yes.
363
00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:52,098
Good game. We talking TV?
364
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,909
We talking TV.
365
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:09,882
Don█t Say a word.
366
00:19:16,222 --> 00:19:18,224
We talk TV.
367
00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:19,392
Stress sickness.
368
00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:24,664
Still.
369
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,966
We talking TV.
370
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,200
The plan.
371
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:32,972
Do what we promised.
372
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,674
We talking TV.
373
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:40,846
Just take my hand.
374
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,348
We talking TV.
375
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:47,920
Just stay strong with me.
376
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,056
We talking TV.
377
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:54,960
She doesn't exist.
378
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,363
We talking TV.
379
00:19:57,363 --> 00:20:04,637
I feel like this is worse
than just talking to her.
380
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,706
We talking TV.
381
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:13,579
I promise you it is not
382
00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:15,614
We talking TV.
383
00:20:15,614 --> 00:20:17,149
We're almost there, guys.
384
00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:21,554
I'm not going to make it.
385
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,289
We talking TV show.
386
00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:28,828
Can't go on forever.
387
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:30,396
We talking TV.
388
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:35,734
She█s getting tired.
I can hear it in her voice.
389
00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:37,203
We talking TV.
390
00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:43,309
I swear she'll do one more match
and then she is done.
391
00:20:43,309 --> 00:20:45,478
We talking TV?
392
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:49,415
That is the last one.
393
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:52,418
we talking TV.
394
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:54,720
Are you back on tech? No TV?
395
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,690
Oh, come on.
396
00:20:57,690 --> 00:21:05,965
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
397
00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:08,033
♪♪
398
00:21:08,033 --> 00:21:09,568
♪ I JUST CAN'T FORGET
399
00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:11,370
THAT TIME LAST YEAR
400
00:21:11,370 --> 00:21:12,404
AT THE END OF PAPPY'S LIFE ♪
401
00:21:12,404 --> 00:21:14,673
♪ WE GATHERED ROUND
402
00:21:14,673 --> 00:21:18,644
HIS HOSPITAL BED ♪
403
00:21:18,644 --> 00:21:19,645
♪ AND WHEN HE CRACKED A JOKE
404
00:21:19,645 --> 00:21:20,646
I TRIED TO CHOKE BACK
405
00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:22,948
A FRESH NEW ROUND OF TEARS ♪
406
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:23,916
♪ BUT I'LL NEVER FORGET
407
00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:25,151
THE NEXT THING
408
00:21:25,151 --> 00:21:28,420
THAT HE SAID ♪
409
00:21:28,420 --> 00:21:29,388
♪ HE PULLED ME DOWN
410
00:21:29,388 --> 00:21:34,160
SO I COULD HEAR
411
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:34,894
I CUPPED MY FINGER
412
00:21:34,894 --> 00:21:35,661
TO MY EAR ♪
413
00:21:35,661 --> 00:21:36,395
♪ HE SAID, SON THE ONLY
414
00:21:36,395 --> 00:21:37,129
THING YOU GOTTA KNOW
415
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:40,399
ABOUT LIFE IS THIS ♪
416
00:21:40,399 --> 00:21:43,636
♪ AND HE SAID
417
00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:46,172
WAIT, WHAT WAS IT
418
00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:48,140
IT WAS SORTA LIKE
419
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:51,644
IT'S KINDA LIKE ♪
420
00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:53,913
♪ DANG IT, WHAT WAS IT
421
00:21:53,913 --> 00:21:54,914
IT WAS SOMETHING
422
00:21:54,914 --> 00:21:56,649
REALLY COOL ♪
423
00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:58,417
♪ SOMETHING SHORT AND SWEET
424
00:21:58,417 --> 00:22:00,419
AND SUCCINCT AND FOLKSY
425
00:22:00,419 --> 00:22:01,153
KIND OF SUMMED UP LIFE
426
00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:02,922
REAL QUICK ♪
427
00:22:02,922 --> 00:22:04,423
♪ GOD DAMN IT, GOD DAMN IT
428
00:22:04,423 --> 00:22:05,658
GOD DAMN IT ♪
429
00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:06,926
♪ WAS ON THE TIP OF MY
430
00:22:06,926 --> 00:22:08,661
TONGUE BUT I FORGOT IT ♪
431
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,930
♪ LIKE SOMEONE HIT ME WITH
432
00:22:10,930 --> 00:22:12,164
THE MEN IN BLACK THING
433
00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:14,400
WHATEVER THAT'S CALLED ♪
434
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:18,871
♪♪
435
00:22:18,871 --> 00:22:19,905
♪ I WAS CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN
436
00:22:19,905 --> 00:22:21,874
IN TIBET
437
00:22:21,874 --> 00:22:23,142
WHEN I FOUND A MYSTERIOUS
438
00:22:23,142 --> 00:22:25,644
CAVE ♪
439
00:22:25,644 --> 00:22:26,879
♪ AND I FELT A BENEVOLENT
440
00:22:26,879 --> 00:22:30,149
FORCE PULLING ME INSIDE ♪
441
00:22:30,149 --> 00:22:31,917
♪ AND ON A DAIS IN THE CAVE
442
00:22:31,917 --> 00:22:33,652
THERE SAT A SAGE
443
00:22:33,652 --> 00:22:34,687
WHO GAVE ME KNOWLEDGE
444
00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:36,155
OF THE AGES PAST ♪
445
00:22:36,155 --> 00:22:37,389
♪ AND I FELT INNER PEACE
446
00:22:37,389 --> 00:22:38,424
AND I GOT DOWN ON
447
00:22:38,424 --> 00:22:41,160
MY KNEES AND CRIED ♪
448
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:42,661
♪ I MADE IT HALFWAY DOWN
449
00:22:42,661 --> 00:22:44,396
THE MOUNTAIN
450
00:22:44,396 --> 00:22:45,931
ENLIGHTENED BY THE
451
00:22:45,931 --> 00:22:47,399
WISE MAN'S WORDS ♪
452
00:22:47,399 --> 00:22:49,168
♪ AND FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE
453
00:22:49,168 --> 00:22:51,403
I'LL REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID
454
00:22:51,403 --> 00:22:54,406
HE SAID ♪
455
00:22:54,406 --> 00:23:01,313
[ TEXT DING ]
456
00:23:06,518 --> 00:23:07,786
>> ALL RIGHT.
457
00:23:07,786 --> 00:23:08,787
ANYWAY.
458
00:23:08,787 --> 00:23:11,290
♪ HE SAID
459
00:23:11,290 --> 00:23:12,291
WAIT, [ BLEEP ]
460
00:23:12,291 --> 00:23:13,259
WHAT THE [ BLEEP ]
461
00:23:13,259 --> 00:23:14,994
DID THE WISE MAN SAY ♪
462
00:23:14,994 --> 00:23:16,262
♪ I GOT DISTRACTED
463
00:23:16,262 --> 00:23:17,029
BY THE TEXT FROM
464
00:23:17,029 --> 00:23:17,997
MY WIFE ABOUT
465
00:23:17,997 --> 00:23:20,032
MY SISTER'S THING ♪
466
00:23:20,032 --> 00:23:23,269
♪ HE SAID SOMETHING LIKE
467
00:23:23,269 --> 00:23:24,770
LIFE IS LIKE A DUH DUH-DUH
468
00:23:24,770 --> 00:23:25,771
BUT THE DUH DUH-DUH
469
00:23:25,771 --> 00:23:27,773
WAS THE GOOD PART ♪
470
00:23:27,773 --> 00:23:28,774
♪ I WAS IN THERE FOR
471
00:23:28,774 --> 00:23:30,542
OVER 20 HOURS
472
00:23:30,542 --> 00:23:31,777
HE WAS SAYING REALLY
473
00:23:31,777 --> 00:23:34,046
COOL STUFF ♪
474
00:23:34,046 --> 00:23:35,281
♪ I SHOULD HAVE
475
00:23:35,281 --> 00:23:36,782
WRITTEN IT DOWN
476
00:23:36,782 --> 00:23:38,017
MAYBE I CAN GO
477
00:23:38,017 --> 00:23:39,785
BACK UP THERE ♪
478
00:23:39,785 --> 00:23:41,553
♪ NO IT'S PRETTY FAR AWAY
479
00:23:41,553 --> 00:23:42,521
GUESS I BETTER GO
480
00:23:42,521 --> 00:23:45,024
TAKE A SHOWER ♪
481
00:23:45,024 --> 00:23:45,758
♪ FOR MY SISTER'S
482
00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:47,760
THING TONIGHT ♪
483
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,028
♪ MY WIFE WAS RIGHT
484
00:23:49,028 --> 00:23:51,030
IT'S ON THE CALENDAR
485
00:23:51,030 --> 00:23:53,999
THE GOOGLE CALENDAR ♪
486
00:23:53,999 --> 00:24:00,739
♪♪
487
00:24:00,739 --> 00:24:02,241
♪ WELL IT WASN'T EASY
488
00:24:02,241 --> 00:24:03,275
SAYING BYE TO DAD
489
00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:04,543
AND MY SON MUSTA
490
00:24:04,543 --> 00:24:06,045
HEARD ME CRY ♪
491
00:24:06,045 --> 00:24:08,047
♪ HE'S ONLY SIX YEARS OLD
492
00:24:08,047 --> 00:24:09,281
BUT HE'S GOT PAPPY'S
493
00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:11,550
TWINKLE IN HIS EYE ♪
494
00:24:11,550 --> 00:24:12,785
♪ AND THE DARNDEST THING
495
00:24:12,785 --> 00:24:14,253
YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE
496
00:24:14,253 --> 00:24:15,287
CAME FROM THE
497
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:17,790
MOUTH OF A CHILD ♪
498
00:24:17,790 --> 00:24:19,058
♪ HE SAID, DADDY, THERE'S
499
00:24:19,058 --> 00:24:22,261
SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY ♪
500
00:24:22,261 --> 00:24:23,529
♪ AND I SAID
501
00:24:23,529 --> 00:24:24,763
SHUT UP
502
00:24:24,763 --> 00:24:26,031
GONNA STOP YOU RIGHT THERE ♪
503
00:24:26,031 --> 00:24:27,266
♪ WHAT THE [ BLEEP ]
504
00:24:27,266 --> 00:24:28,534
DO KIDS EVEN KNOW
505
00:24:28,534 --> 00:24:30,269
YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ♪
506
00:24:30,269 --> 00:24:31,537
♪ HALF OF THE TIME
507
00:24:31,537 --> 00:24:32,771
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW
508
00:24:32,771 --> 00:24:34,807
TO WIPE YOUR OWN BUTT ♪
509
00:24:34,807 --> 00:24:35,808
♪ TALKIN' BOUT DAD
510
00:24:35,808 --> 00:24:37,042
I KNOW A COOL SAYIN' ♪
511
00:24:37,042 --> 00:24:38,277
♪ NO YOU DON'T
512
00:24:38,277 --> 00:24:39,511
YOU MAYBE ONLY KNOW
513
00:24:39,511 --> 00:24:40,779
THE NAMES OF LIKE 30
514
00:24:40,779 --> 00:24:43,248
WEIRD POKEMON GUYS ♪
515
00:24:43,248 --> 00:24:44,516
♪ AND LIKE ONE [ BLEEP ]
516
00:24:44,516 --> 00:24:47,019
WAY TO DRAW A DOG ♪
517
00:24:47,019 --> 00:24:48,020
>> JACK WHITE, HIT ‘EM WITH A
518
00:24:48,020 --> 00:24:49,288
GUITAR SOLO.
519
00:24:49,288 --> 00:24:54,893
♪♪
520
00:24:54,893 --> 00:24:56,662
♪♪
521
00:24:56,662 --> 00:25:01,700
>> WAIT, WAIT.
522
00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:03,469
I FORGOT IT.
523
00:25:03,469 --> 00:25:04,770
I FORGOT THE [ BLEEP ] SOLO.
524
00:25:04,770 --> 00:25:05,537
♪ DANG IT, WHAT WAS IT
525
00:25:05,537 --> 00:25:06,271
IT WAS SOMETHING
526
00:25:06,271 --> 00:25:07,773
REALLY COOL ♪
527
00:25:07,773 --> 00:25:09,041
♪ SOMETHING SHORT AND SWEET
528
00:25:09,041 --> 00:25:10,809
AND SUCCINCT AND FOLKSY
529
00:25:10,809 --> 00:25:11,777
KIND OF SUMMED UP LIFE
530
00:25:11,777 --> 00:25:13,779
REAL QUICK ♪
531
00:25:13,779 --> 00:25:14,546
♪ GOD DAMN IT, GOD DAMN IT
532
00:25:14,546 --> 00:25:16,515
GOD DAMN IT ♪
533
00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:17,516
♪ WAS ON THE TIP OF MY
534
00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:19,785
TONGUE BUT I FORGOT IT ♪
535
00:25:19,785 --> 00:25:21,253
♪ LIKE SOMEONE HIT ME WITH
536
00:25:21,253 --> 00:25:23,255
THE MEN IN BLACK THING
537
00:25:23,255 --> 00:25:24,523
WHATEVER THAT'S CALLED ♪
538
00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:26,759
>> OH, I REMEMBER NOW!
539
00:25:26,759 --> 00:25:27,760
THE NEURALYZER.
540
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:28,527
THAT'S WHAT THE MEN IN BLACK
541
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:30,295
THING WAS CALLED.
542
00:25:30,295 --> 00:25:35,734
>> WE REMEMBERED!
543
00:25:35,734 --> 00:25:41,373
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
544
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:46,645
And I am excited for this
self-defense class. Oh. Me too.
545
00:25:46,645 --> 00:25:50,249
I'm here because I need to turn
my skill into technique.
546
00:25:50,249 --> 00:25:51,650
What do you mean?
547
00:25:51,650 --> 00:25:54,353
I've won every fight I've ever
been in with no technique.
548
00:25:54,353 --> 00:25:57,990
I've just been spitting
and pulling hair.
549
00:25:57,990 --> 00:25:59,391
I feel like I need technique.
550
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:01,593
Well, it's 4 p.m.,
so the teacher should be walking
551
00:26:01,593 --> 00:26:03,595
in any second through that door
right there.
552
00:26:03,595 --> 00:26:09,601
Why? Oh.
553
00:26:11,203 --> 00:26:14,473
Yes. Rule number
one of the Self-Defense force.
554
00:26:14,473 --> 00:26:17,576
Always be ready for the surprise
that has come from the place.
555
00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:18,744
That was not the place
556
00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:22,247
of the opposite
of what you thought it might be.
557
00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:27,653
Yes. And now, everyone
tell me your name, your age,
558
00:26:27,653 --> 00:26:29,855
and why you are here.
559
00:26:29,855 --> 00:26:34,860
Okay. Paul, 33. I have skill,
but I lack technique.
560
00:26:34,860 --> 00:26:35,727
Welcome.
561
00:26:37,062 --> 00:26:38,530
Melanie 28.
562
00:26:38,530 --> 00:26:44,436
And I'd like to use my gun
less. You going? Okay.
563
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,538
This is Fred. 35.
564
00:26:46,538 --> 00:26:49,842
I got a real mouth on me.
565
00:26:49,842 --> 00:26:52,578
Well, okay. Very good.
566
00:26:52,578 --> 00:26:55,948
Now, let us begin with the most
important part of our practice,
567
00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:58,750
which is a stupid.
568
00:26:58,750 --> 00:27:00,853
Allow us to demonstrate this.
569
00:27:00,853 --> 00:27:02,788
Felonious attack me.
570
00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:04,690
I thought stop, stop it,
stop it, stop it, stop it,
571
00:27:04,690 --> 00:27:06,959
stop it, stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it, stop it!
572
00:27:06,959 --> 00:27:07,793
Don't go to your house.
573
00:27:08,026 --> 00:27:11,396
I cannot get to my class.
I going back to my house.
574
00:27:11,396 --> 00:27:16,235
I am.
575
00:27:16,235 --> 00:27:17,002
Very good.
576
00:27:17,069 --> 00:27:20,539
But there's no question
to the class.
577
00:27:20,539 --> 00:27:23,575
If your attacker ban
you to the floor
578
00:27:23,575 --> 00:27:28,580
and you cannot stop it,
what do you do?
579
00:27:28,580 --> 00:27:31,150
This could be
wrong, but bite their balls.
580
00:27:32,684 --> 00:27:33,585
That's correct.
581
00:27:33,585 --> 00:27:35,954
When an attacker attack you,
surprise you.
582
00:27:35,954 --> 00:27:41,660
They use their arm momentum
against the arm.
583
00:27:41,660 --> 00:27:44,530
Okay. Redirect the attack
584
00:27:44,530 --> 00:27:48,033
by turning it
into a different activator.
585
00:27:48,033 --> 00:27:51,837
Okay. Yeah.
Pretty little girl. Attack me.
586
00:27:51,837 --> 00:27:53,972
It's tough. Stop it, stop it,
stop it! Stop it!
587
00:27:53,972 --> 00:27:56,808
And now we are golfing.
We are going to.
588
00:27:56,808 --> 00:27:58,844
You are going to fish.
We like to go.
589
00:27:58,844 --> 00:28:00,312
You like golfing? Perfect.
590
00:28:00,312 --> 00:28:01,880
Go to your house.
No, I got to do one also.
591
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:06,418
I think they are the weakest
in the class. Attack me.
592
00:28:06,418 --> 00:28:08,453
It's got to be me.
593
00:28:08,453 --> 00:28:08,854
It's stupid.
594
00:28:09,221 --> 00:28:10,222
Stop it, stop it, stop it,
stop it!
595
00:28:10,222 --> 00:28:15,194
Fight! Breaking!
596
00:28:15,194 --> 00:28:15,761
I'm sorry.
597
00:28:16,194 --> 00:28:18,630
How is this supposed
to help us defend ourselves?
598
00:28:18,630 --> 00:28:23,702
Have you guys even fought?
Yes. You big carrot.
599
00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:24,236
Relax.
600
00:28:25,804 --> 00:28:28,173
I have a far too many time.
601
00:28:28,173 --> 00:28:31,076
I fought MMA in the UFC,
602
00:28:31,076 --> 00:28:37,049
and I have fought
and stabbed in my penis.
603
00:28:38,150 --> 00:28:39,718
Well,
if that makes you a fighter,
604
00:28:39,718 --> 00:28:42,254
I must be the heavyweight champ.
605
00:28:42,254 --> 00:28:44,923
All right. Okay, okay.
606
00:28:44,923 --> 00:28:46,825
Is this class my favorite show?
607
00:28:46,825 --> 00:28:52,798
Because this is ridiculousness.
608
00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:55,601
Big carrot.
609
00:28:55,601 --> 00:28:57,436
You don't believe in me.
610
00:28:57,436 --> 00:28:59,071
Do me a favor. Get up here.
611
00:28:59,071 --> 00:29:03,709
And I would like you to attempt
to hit me in the. Oh my God.
612
00:29:03,709 --> 00:29:06,545
Oh my God.
613
00:29:06,545 --> 00:29:08,714
I think you got to do it.
614
00:29:08,714 --> 00:29:11,283
Get out! Get away from me!
Go to the car.
615
00:29:11,283 --> 00:29:13,018
Go off! Get stabbed.
616
00:29:13,018 --> 00:29:15,120
I have I have a question.
617
00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:18,290
Like, what if the attacker
attacks you with a knife?
618
00:29:18,290 --> 00:29:20,525
I am afraid there is
nothing you can do but die.
619
00:29:22,828 --> 00:29:23,428
Go to sleep.
620
00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:24,429
If this happened.
621
00:29:24,429 --> 00:29:28,066
But if they come at you slowly,
622
00:29:28,066 --> 00:29:30,602
you can use
the power of suggestion
623
00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:33,238
to get them to do something
else.
624
00:29:33,238 --> 00:29:37,075
Okay? You beautiful boy! Attack
me! Oh, okay.
625
00:29:37,075 --> 00:29:38,710
Hey! Stop it,
stop it, stop it, stop it!
626
00:29:38,710 --> 00:29:45,317
In an amazing phrase, the doctor
said I would never sing again.
627
00:29:46,818 --> 00:29:49,021
Okay. I'm leaving.
628
00:29:49,021 --> 00:29:52,991
This class is B
and in many ways s okay.
629
00:29:52,991 --> 00:29:53,692
You improve.
630
00:29:53,825 --> 00:29:56,762
This class
works for our final lesson,
631
00:29:56,762 --> 00:29:58,797
we're gonna bring out the guest.
632
00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:00,298
This is the toughest,
633
00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:03,602
strongest, most badass student
we ever trained.
634
00:30:03,602 --> 00:30:09,608
Please welcome Bone Crusher.
635
00:30:10,509 --> 00:30:11,843
Hello.
636
00:30:11,843 --> 00:30:15,380
I'm here to f you bitches up.
Okay.
637
00:30:15,380 --> 00:30:19,217
Very good. Now, my pupils
share what you have learned.
638
00:30:19,217 --> 00:30:24,656
A duck, It's. Stop it, stop it,
stop it and stop it. Titanic.
639
00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:28,860
Okay, please tell me there's
a caterpillar in your pocket.
640
00:30:28,860 --> 00:30:29,061
Well.
641
00:30:29,227 --> 00:30:31,563
Lucky guess.
642
00:30:31,563 --> 00:30:37,769
Oh. Class dismissed
643
00:30:48,847 --> 00:30:54,052
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
644
00:30:54,052 --> 00:30:57,556
>>> THANKS FOR COMING OVER,
645
00:30:57,556 --> 00:30:57,856
GALS.
646
00:30:57,856 --> 00:30:58,190
>> YEAH!
647
00:30:58,557 --> 00:31:00,759
>> JEANNIE, I SEE WHY YOU WANTED
648
00:31:00,759 --> 00:31:02,828
TO REDO YOUR KITCHEN, IT'S SO
649
00:31:02,828 --> 00:31:03,128
DATED.
650
00:31:03,528 --> 00:31:04,996
WHEN DOES THE RENOVATION START?
651
00:31:04,996 --> 00:31:05,964
>> OH, WE DID IT LAST MONTH.
652
00:31:05,964 --> 00:31:08,700
[ LAUGHTER ]
653
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:11,737
>> AND IT'S AMAZING.
654
00:31:11,737 --> 00:31:13,372
>> WELL, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
655
00:31:13,372 --> 00:31:14,606
WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS ALL THESE
656
00:31:14,606 --> 00:31:15,807
YEARS AND OUR HUSBANDS NEVER
657
00:31:15,807 --> 00:31:16,108
MET.
658
00:31:16,475 --> 00:31:16,975
>> YEAH, DO YOU THINK THEY'RE
659
00:31:17,142 --> 00:31:18,543
OKAY IN THE DEN, HANGING OUT
660
00:31:18,543 --> 00:31:19,077
WITHOUT US?
661
00:31:19,077 --> 00:31:20,612
>> OH, THEY'RE FINE.
662
00:31:20,612 --> 00:31:21,747
THEY'RE BIG BOYS.
663
00:31:21,747 --> 00:31:22,380
I'M SURE THEY'RE FINDING
664
00:31:22,380 --> 00:31:24,082
SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.
665
00:31:24,082 --> 00:31:28,386
[ LAUGHTER ]
666
00:31:28,386 --> 00:31:33,058
>> SO -- UM --
667
00:31:33,058 --> 00:31:37,062
>> YEAH.
668
00:31:37,062 --> 00:31:38,296
>> I -- UM -- NO.
669
00:31:38,296 --> 00:31:41,967
[ LAUGHTER ]
670
00:31:41,967 --> 00:31:44,736
>> AH -- RIGHT.
671
00:31:44,736 --> 00:31:47,873
>> WELL, TODAY I -- BLEH.
672
00:31:47,873 --> 00:31:50,742
[ LAUGHTER ]
673
00:31:50,742 --> 00:31:55,514
>> YOU KNOW, I LIKE -- UM -- I
674
00:31:55,514 --> 00:31:56,648
DON'T KNOW.
675
00:31:56,648 --> 00:31:57,048
[ LAUGHTER ]
676
00:31:57,048 --> 00:31:57,416
>> SAME.
677
00:31:57,416 --> 00:31:57,783
>> YEAH.
678
00:31:57,783 --> 00:32:02,187
>> YEAH.
679
00:32:02,187 --> 00:32:04,256
♪ CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON ♪
680
00:32:04,256 --> 00:32:07,225
>> HUH.
681
00:32:07,225 --> 00:32:07,993
♪ THERE WILL BE PEACE WHEN YOU
682
00:32:07,993 --> 00:32:10,495
ARE DONE ♪
683
00:32:10,495 --> 00:32:13,198
>> HUH.
684
00:32:13,198 --> 00:32:16,468
♪ LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD TO REST ♪
685
00:32:16,468 --> 00:32:18,937
♪ DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE ♪
686
00:32:18,937 --> 00:32:24,843
HA!
687
00:32:24,843 --> 00:32:25,177
♪♪
688
00:32:25,177 --> 00:32:28,480
♪♪
689
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:29,714
[ LAUGHTER ]
690
00:32:29,714 --> 00:32:30,415
>> MAYBE I SHOULD GO CHECK ON
691
00:32:30,415 --> 00:32:30,949
THEM.
692
00:32:31,049 --> 00:32:31,616
>> I JUST HOPE THEY'RE NOT
693
00:32:31,616 --> 00:32:32,217
TALKING POLITICS.
694
00:32:32,317 --> 00:32:32,951
>> YEAH, THE LAST THING WE NEED
695
00:32:33,018 --> 00:32:33,685
IS THEM IN THERE YELLING AT EACH
696
00:32:33,685 --> 00:32:36,454
OTHER.
697
00:32:36,454 --> 00:32:37,222
♪ ONCE I ROSE ABOVE THE NOISE
698
00:32:37,222 --> 00:32:39,958
AND CONFUSION ♪
699
00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:40,725
♪ JUST TO GET A GLIMPSE BEYOND
700
00:32:40,725 --> 00:32:45,163
THIS ILLUSION ♪
701
00:32:45,163 --> 00:32:46,198
♪ I WAS SOARING EVER HIGHER BUT
702
00:32:46,198 --> 00:32:50,936
I FLEW TOO HIGH ♪
703
00:32:50,936 --> 00:32:52,204
♪ THOUGH MY EYES CAN SEE I STILL
704
00:32:52,204 --> 00:32:54,706
WAS A BLIND MAN ♪
705
00:32:54,706 --> 00:32:55,941
♪ THOUGH MY MIND COULD THINK I
706
00:32:55,941 --> 00:32:57,943
STILL WAS A MADMAN ♪
707
00:32:57,943 --> 00:32:59,211
♪ I HEAR THE VOICES WHEN I'M
708
00:32:59,211 --> 00:33:04,916
DREAMING ♪
709
00:33:04,916 --> 00:33:08,153
♪ I CAN HEAR THEM SAY ♪
710
00:33:08,153 --> 00:33:10,121
>> IT'S JUST SO GOOD WE'RE DOING
711
00:33:10,121 --> 00:33:10,422
THIS.
712
00:33:10,722 --> 00:33:12,190
RANDY HAS NO MALE FRIENDS.
713
00:33:12,190 --> 00:33:12,791
NO FRIENDS OF ANY KIND,
714
00:33:12,791 --> 00:33:16,194
ACTUALLY.
715
00:33:16,194 --> 00:33:20,532
♪ CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON ♪
716
00:33:20,532 --> 00:33:21,566
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
717
00:33:21,566 --> 00:33:22,367
♪ THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE
718
00:33:22,367 --> 00:33:23,301
DONE ♪
719
00:33:23,301 --> 00:33:26,071
♪ LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD TO REST ♪
720
00:33:26,071 --> 00:33:30,642
♪ DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE ♪
721
00:33:30,642 --> 00:33:30,909
HA!
722
00:33:31,209 --> 00:33:35,146
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
723
00:33:35,146 --> 00:33:35,747
>> WOW.
724
00:33:35,847 --> 00:33:37,349
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE ALL KNOW THIS
725
00:33:37,349 --> 00:33:37,649
SONG.
726
00:33:37,983 --> 00:33:38,316
>> I ACTUALLY DON'T, BUT MY
727
00:33:38,416 --> 00:33:38,783
MOUTH SEEMS TO.
728
00:33:38,783 --> 00:33:44,322
[ LAUGHTER ]
729
00:33:44,322 --> 00:33:44,656
♪♪
730
00:33:44,656 --> 00:33:47,692
♪♪
731
00:33:47,692 --> 00:33:50,195
[ LAUGHTER ]
732
00:33:50,195 --> 00:33:50,962
>> WE DON'T THINK THEY'RE UP TO
733
00:33:50,962 --> 00:33:51,963
NO GOOD, DO WE?
734
00:33:51,963 --> 00:33:52,664
>> I DON'T KNOW.
735
00:33:52,664 --> 00:33:53,431
IF YOU LEAVE GUYS ALONE TOO
736
00:33:53,431 --> 00:33:54,099
LONG, IT USUALLY TURNS INTO
737
00:33:54,099 --> 00:33:54,666
TROUBLE.
738
00:33:54,666 --> 00:33:58,169
>> WELL, NOW I'M WORRIED.
739
00:33:58,169 --> 00:33:58,937
♪ ON A STORMY SEA OF MOVING
740
00:33:58,937 --> 00:34:01,940
EMOTION ♪
741
00:34:01,940 --> 00:34:02,974
♪ TOSSED ABOUT LIKE A SHIP ON
742
00:34:02,974 --> 00:34:07,245
THE OCEAN ♪
743
00:34:07,245 --> 00:34:09,381
♪ I SET A COURSE FOR WINDS OF
744
00:34:09,381 --> 00:34:10,081
FORTUNE BUT I HEAR THE VOICES
745
00:34:10,081 --> 00:34:13,118
SAY ♪
746
00:34:13,118 --> 00:34:17,689
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
747
00:34:17,689 --> 00:34:18,056
>> SORRY.
748
00:34:18,156 --> 00:34:21,960
ARE THEY SINGING?
749
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:22,694
>> I WILL GIVE YOU $1 MILLION IF
750
00:34:22,694 --> 00:34:27,666
MY HUSBAND IS SINGING.
751
00:34:27,666 --> 00:34:28,366
>> OKAY, WE KNOW YOU'RE RICH.
752
00:34:28,366 --> 00:34:34,205
[ LAUGHTER ]
753
00:34:34,205 --> 00:34:34,940
>> I JUST MEANT HE DOESN'T HAVE
754
00:34:34,940 --> 00:34:39,711
A MUSICAL BONE IN HIS BODY.
755
00:34:39,711 --> 00:34:42,447
♪ CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON
756
00:34:42,447 --> 00:34:43,214
THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE
757
00:34:43,214 --> 00:34:44,749
DONE ♪
758
00:34:44,749 --> 00:34:46,952
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
759
00:34:46,952 --> 00:34:47,719
♪ LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD TO REST
760
00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:53,024
DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE ♪
761
00:34:53,024 --> 00:34:58,129
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
762
00:34:58,129 --> 00:34:59,898
>> OKAY, ARE YOU GUYS -- WHAT?
763
00:34:59,898 --> 00:35:01,466
>> WHAT'S GOING ON?
764
00:35:01,466 --> 00:35:02,000
>> MY GOD.
765
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:06,204
>> WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?
766
00:35:06,204 --> 00:35:06,838
ARE YOU GUYS SINGING AND
767
00:35:06,838 --> 00:35:08,440
DANCING?
768
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:09,941
>> DID YOU ALL WEAR ROCK 'N'
769
00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:10,709
ROLL JUMPSUITS IN CASE THIS
770
00:35:10,709 --> 00:35:11,943
HAPPENED?
771
00:35:11,943 --> 00:35:12,911
>> NO!
772
00:35:12,911 --> 00:35:17,749
>> MAYBE!
773
00:35:17,749 --> 00:35:18,350
>> WHY ARE YOU IN YOUR
774
00:35:18,350 --> 00:35:20,185
UNDERWEAR?
775
00:35:20,185 --> 00:35:20,919
>> I GOT EXCITED, AND I PULLED
776
00:35:20,919 --> 00:35:21,820
TOO HARD.
777
00:35:21,820 --> 00:35:32,897
[ LAUGHTER ]
778
00:35:32,897 --> 00:35:34,332
>> WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS
779
00:35:34,332 --> 00:35:35,634
JUST THE CRAZIEST THING I'VE
780
00:35:35,634 --> 00:35:36,001
EVER SEEN.
781
00:35:36,001 --> 00:35:43,375
>> IS IT?
782
00:35:43,375 --> 00:35:45,644
♪♪
783
00:35:45,644 --> 00:35:52,617
♪♪
784
00:36:09,167 --> 00:36:10,902
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JACK
785
00:36:10,902 --> 00:36:11,703
WHITE!
786
00:36:11,703 --> 00:36:13,905
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
787
00:36:13,905 --> 00:36:14,239
♪♪
788
00:36:14,239 --> 00:36:24,916
♪♪
789
00:36:24,916 --> 00:36:25,250
♪♪
790
00:36:25,250 --> 00:36:33,158
♪♪
791
00:36:33,158 --> 00:36:36,694
♪ LOOKS LIKE YOU STARTED
792
00:36:36,694 --> 00:36:37,429
SOMETHING THAT YOU
793
00:36:37,429 --> 00:36:46,404
CANNOT FINISH ♪
794
00:36:46,404 --> 00:36:49,407
♪ YEAH YOU STARTED
795
00:36:49,407 --> 00:36:50,175
SOMETHING THAT YOU
796
00:36:50,175 --> 00:36:56,915
CANNOT FINISH ♪
797
00:36:56,915 --> 00:36:58,149
♪ LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED TO
798
00:36:58,149 --> 00:36:58,917
BUY SOME MORE TIME
799
00:36:58,917 --> 00:36:59,918
I THINK YOU NEED
800
00:36:59,918 --> 00:37:05,657
A COUPLE MORE MINUTES ♪
801
00:37:05,657 --> 00:37:08,193
♪ WELL, I CAME TO YA
802
00:37:08,193 --> 00:37:09,427
ON THE BACK OF A
803
00:37:09,427 --> 00:37:16,668
TWISTER STORM ♪
804
00:37:16,668 --> 00:37:18,169
♪ I CAME TO YA
805
00:37:18,169 --> 00:37:19,137
ON THE BACK OF A
806
00:37:19,137 --> 00:37:26,411
TWISTER STORM ♪
807
00:37:26,411 --> 00:37:27,412
♪ YOU KNOW I GOT SOMETHING
808
00:37:27,412 --> 00:37:28,913
UP MY SLEEVE
809
00:37:28,913 --> 00:37:31,182
I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TO
810
00:37:31,182 --> 00:37:39,157
TRY TO TWIST MY ARM ♪
811
00:37:39,157 --> 00:37:39,657
♪♪
812
00:37:39,657 --> 00:37:40,425
♪♪
813
00:37:40,425 --> 00:38:01,146
♪♪
814
00:38:01,146 --> 00:38:01,646
♪♪
815
00:38:01,646 --> 00:38:02,147
♪♪
816
00:38:02,147 --> 00:38:07,886
♪♪
817
00:38:07,886 --> 00:38:10,155
♪ I GOT A BRAND NEW TRUCK
818
00:38:10,155 --> 00:38:17,395
THREE TONE, CUSTOM MADE ♪
819
00:38:17,395 --> 00:38:20,665
♪ I GOT A BRAND NEW TRUCK
820
00:38:20,665 --> 00:38:25,904
THREE TONE, CUSTOM MADE ♪
821
00:38:25,904 --> 00:38:27,438
♪ AND I THINK THAT'S
822
00:38:27,438 --> 00:38:30,675
KIND OF FUNNY
823
00:38:30,675 --> 00:38:35,914
FOR A MAN WHO NEVER
824
00:38:35,914 --> 00:38:39,417
MADE THE GRADE ♪
825
00:38:39,417 --> 00:38:40,151
♪♪
826
00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:40,919
♪♪
827
00:38:40,919 --> 00:38:53,431
♪♪
828
00:38:53,431 --> 00:38:53,898
♪♪
829
00:38:53,898 --> 00:38:54,666
♪♪
830
00:38:54,666 --> 00:39:07,912
♪♪
831
00:39:07,912 --> 00:39:08,913
♪♪
832
00:39:08,913 --> 00:39:09,681
♪♪
833
00:39:09,681 --> 00:39:26,264
♪♪
834
00:39:26,264 --> 00:39:27,765
♪ I DON'T START NOTHING ♪
835
00:39:27,765 --> 00:39:29,300
♪ NOTHING THAT I
836
00:39:29,300 --> 00:39:35,974
CANNOT FINISH
837
00:39:35,974 --> 00:39:37,775
YEAH ♪
838
00:39:37,775 --> 00:39:38,509
♪ I DON'T START NOTHING
839
00:39:38,509 --> 00:39:39,244
NOTHING THAT I
840
00:39:39,244 --> 00:39:44,749
CANNOT FINISH ♪
841
00:39:44,749 --> 00:39:45,750
♪ OH BUT WHAT I DO
842
00:39:45,750 --> 00:39:46,517
AND HOW I DO
843
00:39:46,517 --> 00:39:47,752
AND WHY I DO IT ♪
844
00:39:47,752 --> 00:39:53,925
♪ IT'S ALL NONE OF
845
00:39:53,925 --> 00:39:54,425
YOUR BUSINESS ♪
846
00:39:54,425 --> 00:39:54,759
♪♪
847
00:39:54,759 --> 00:39:57,362
♪♪
848
00:39:57,362 --> 00:39:59,697
♪♪
849
00:39:59,697 --> 00:40:11,643
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
850
00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:26,257
It's Weekend Update with Colin
Jost and Michael Che.
851
00:40:32,230 --> 00:40:33,765
Thank you very much.
852
00:40:33,765 --> 00:40:35,033
Thank you.
Good evening everyone.
853
00:40:35,033 --> 00:40:40,338
Welcome to Weekend Update I'm
Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
854
00:40:40,338 --> 00:40:42,040
President Trump
addressed the nation
855
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:45,376
about the war with Iran
and threatened to, quote,
856
00:40:45,376 --> 00:40:48,780
bring them back to the Stone age
where they belong.
857
00:40:48,780 --> 00:40:55,219
And in the spirit of Easter,
let me just say, Jesus Christ.
858
00:40:55,219 --> 00:40:57,322
President Trump's
speech on the war in Iran
859
00:40:57,322 --> 00:41:00,825
interrupted
the finale of The Masked Singer.
860
00:41:00,825 --> 00:41:02,560
And it's really too bad,
because Trump
861
00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:03,861
would have found out that cat,
862
00:41:03,861 --> 00:41:09,867
which was revealed to be
the new Ayatollah.
863
00:41:09,901 --> 00:41:13,104
In his speech, President Trump
referred to the war in Iran
864
00:41:13,104 --> 00:41:14,572
as the little journey
865
00:41:14,572 --> 00:41:19,844
because little journeys are all
anyone can afford to take. Now.
866
00:41:19,844 --> 00:41:21,579
President
Trump said in his speech
867
00:41:21,579 --> 00:41:25,383
that the Strait of Hormuz
would open up naturally,
868
00:41:25,383 --> 00:41:26,584
but if it doesn't,
869
00:41:26,584 --> 00:41:28,853
the Marines will
deploy a little bit of spit.
870
00:41:34,759 --> 00:41:38,663
On. This.
871
00:41:38,663 --> 00:41:39,831
This week.
872
00:41:39,831 --> 00:41:41,933
This week, Attorney
General Pam Bondi
873
00:41:41,933 --> 00:41:46,604
was asked to redact herself
from her job.
874
00:41:46,604 --> 00:41:48,639
President Trump
reportedly fired Bondi
875
00:41:48,639 --> 00:41:50,975
over her
handling of the Epstein files
876
00:41:50,975 --> 00:41:53,144
because the only person Trump
has ever trusted
877
00:41:53,144 --> 00:41:56,147
to handle the Epstein
situation is a prison guard.
878
00:41:56,147 --> 00:42:03,354
With the cameras off.
879
00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:05,957
Also.
880
00:42:05,957 --> 00:42:07,492
Also, I kind of understand.
881
00:42:07,492 --> 00:42:09,727
I mean,
if I was Trump, I'd be mad too.
882
00:42:09,727 --> 00:42:11,062
If someone took a Sharpie
883
00:42:11,062 --> 00:42:17,168
and drew all over
my favorite memories.
884
00:42:17,168 --> 00:42:19,337
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth,
885
00:42:19,337 --> 00:42:22,540
seen here demoting a black
general,
886
00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:26,711
said this week, said this week
that an airman told him
887
00:42:26,711 --> 00:42:30,181
the only thing they need in
Iran is bigger bombs.
888
00:42:30,181 --> 00:42:30,982
Got you covered.
889
00:42:30,982 --> 00:42:36,988
How about Kristi Noem, husband?
890
00:42:38,523 --> 00:42:40,992
J.D. Vance J.D.
891
00:42:40,992 --> 00:42:44,695
Vance is releasing a book about
his conversion to Catholicism.
892
00:42:44,695 --> 00:42:46,998
The Catholic Church
is calling it somehow
893
00:42:46,998 --> 00:42:49,100
the worst
publicity we've ever had.
894
00:42:52,336 --> 00:42:55,139
After reaching
orbit, Artemis two astronaut
895
00:42:55,139 --> 00:42:58,876
Victor Glover sent a message
back to Earth saying, trust us.
896
00:42:58,876 --> 00:43:02,013
You look amazing.
You look beautiful. Yeah.
897
00:43:02,013 --> 00:43:08,019
Leave it to the black astronaut
to catcall the entire planet.
898
00:43:09,821 --> 00:43:10,822
According.
899
00:43:10,888 --> 00:43:13,357
According to reports,
Iranian hackers are launching
900
00:43:13,357 --> 00:43:15,092
sophisticated cyberattacks
901
00:43:15,092 --> 00:43:17,662
on hospitals
and health care organizations.
902
00:43:17,662 --> 00:43:18,830
But the joke's on them.
903
00:43:18,830 --> 00:43:20,231
Because our health care system
904
00:43:20,231 --> 00:43:24,836
is so busted
that nobody noticed.
905
00:43:24,836 --> 00:43:28,339
President Trump posted plans
for his presidential library
906
00:43:28,339 --> 00:43:29,307
in Miami,
907
00:43:29,307 --> 00:43:31,776
which would be a massive
golden skyscraper
908
00:43:31,776 --> 00:43:35,213
with a golden escalator
and a golden statue of Trump.
909
00:43:35,213 --> 00:43:39,350
As predicted
in the Book of Revelation.
910
00:43:39,350 --> 00:43:40,551
President Trump attended
911
00:43:40,551 --> 00:43:43,287
the opening night of Chicago
at the Kennedy Center,
912
00:43:43,287 --> 00:43:44,789
and I think that's cool
913
00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:46,724
that the president
is going to the theater.
914
00:43:46,724 --> 00:43:48,426
I mean, what's
the worst that can happen?
915
00:43:56,801 --> 00:43:58,302
Oh, really?
916
00:43:58,302 --> 00:43:59,270
A top
917
00:43:59,270 --> 00:44:01,806
FEMA official
revealed in an interview
918
00:44:01,806 --> 00:44:05,977
that he once mysteriously
teleported to a waffle House
919
00:44:05,977 --> 00:44:08,346
50 miles away,
920
00:44:08,346 --> 00:44:14,285
which is a phenomenon
better known as drunk driving.
921
00:44:14,285 --> 00:44:17,889
It was reported that the husband
of former DHS Secretary
922
00:44:17,889 --> 00:44:18,990
Christie, known,
923
00:44:18,990 --> 00:44:20,992
has been chatting
with women online
924
00:44:20,992 --> 00:44:23,594
while wearing
gigantic inflatable boobs
925
00:44:23,594 --> 00:44:26,063
as part of a bimbo fetish.
926
00:44:26,063 --> 00:44:32,069
Here to comment is Kristi
Noem husband.
927
00:44:44,549 --> 00:44:46,984
Hello everyone.
928
00:44:46,984 --> 00:44:49,120
Hello, Michael.
929
00:44:49,120 --> 00:44:51,522
Hey, man,
930
00:44:51,522 --> 00:44:55,226
what?
931
00:44:55,226 --> 00:44:56,661
What?
932
00:44:56,661 --> 00:44:57,495
Yeah.
933
00:44:57,795 --> 00:45:01,699
Hey hey hey hey hey hey. Yeah.
Hey, Michael. How are you?
934
00:45:01,699 --> 00:45:03,568
My eyes are up here.
935
00:45:03,568 --> 00:45:08,539
My nipples are out here.
936
00:45:08,539 --> 00:45:08,739
Yeah.
937
00:45:09,173 --> 00:45:10,942
Something on your mind, bud?
938
00:45:10,942 --> 00:45:14,712
Care to share?
I didn't say anything.
939
00:45:14,712 --> 00:45:16,547
Good.
940
00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:19,350
Good, good.
941
00:45:19,350 --> 00:45:21,552
Because I dare you all.
942
00:45:21,552 --> 00:45:24,388
I dare you all to find one thing
943
00:45:24,388 --> 00:45:28,192
that's comical
about this whole situation.
944
00:45:28,192 --> 00:45:33,164
I dare it, I dare you, I dare
you to make a joke about my big,
945
00:45:33,164 --> 00:45:35,800
beautiful balloon breasts.
946
00:45:35,800 --> 00:45:37,768
I dare you. Michael. Hey.
947
00:45:37,768 --> 00:45:38,803
Hey, Michael.
948
00:45:38,803 --> 00:45:42,073
And dare you to kink
shame me on national
949
00:45:42,073 --> 00:45:44,675
TV about my insane clown.
950
00:45:44,675 --> 00:45:49,981
Juggalos and tiny
teeny little pink bike shorts.
951
00:45:49,981 --> 00:45:51,782
I'm not mad.
I got nothing to say.
952
00:45:51,782 --> 00:45:57,788
God, that's all also about you
audience, Anything to say?
953
00:45:57,822 --> 00:46:01,959
Anything? Yeah. Come. Be quiet.
954
00:46:01,959 --> 00:46:03,060
Got anything to say?
955
00:46:03,060 --> 00:46:03,494
Liberal.
956
00:46:03,961 --> 00:46:09,634
New York, about a conservative
man's bold.
957
00:46:09,634 --> 00:46:11,235
Exactly, I thought so.
958
00:46:11,235 --> 00:46:14,338
Hey, cue cards and cue
card, guys.
959
00:46:14,338 --> 00:46:22,780
You have anything to say
about my bimbo business?
960
00:46:22,780 --> 00:46:23,848
Exactly.
961
00:46:23,848 --> 00:46:26,851
I thought so, and Lorne, Lorne
Michaels.
962
00:46:26,851 --> 00:46:32,857
Care to comment
on my big Chumbawamba?
963
00:46:34,759 --> 00:46:37,395
What about my wife, Kristi Noem?
964
00:46:37,395 --> 00:46:42,266
Anything to add
about my sweater? Puppies.
965
00:46:42,266 --> 00:46:46,904
Did someone say puppies?
966
00:46:46,904 --> 00:46:48,706
Right. Oh, right.
967
00:46:48,706 --> 00:46:57,515
I wonder if the dog Christy shot
has anything to say. Oh.
968
00:46:57,515 --> 00:46:58,549
Good boy.
969
00:46:58,549 --> 00:47:02,953
And you, la roach.
970
00:47:02,953 --> 00:47:05,756
Mama,
you need to snatch that waist in
971
00:47:05,756 --> 00:47:10,895
and turn them things out.
Shoulders back. Bussy forward.
972
00:47:10,895 --> 00:47:12,430
Because you thought you ate.
973
00:47:12,430 --> 00:47:18,436
But you are RCMP,
not the one hunty.
974
00:47:21,405 --> 00:47:22,673
Oh, I knew Colin.
975
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:25,710
You got a little smile
all over your face.
976
00:47:25,710 --> 00:47:26,711
Got a little grin.
977
00:47:26,711 --> 00:47:32,149
Want to say anything
about my Party City poppers?
978
00:47:32,149 --> 00:47:33,951
No. Absolutely not.
979
00:47:33,951 --> 00:47:36,554
I don't want to say anything,
but if I did,
980
00:47:36,554 --> 00:47:42,360
it would probably be something
like, no, no, no no no no.
981
00:47:42,360 --> 00:47:46,197
Great work.
982
00:47:46,197 --> 00:47:48,199
Awesome. Just awesome.
983
00:47:48,199 --> 00:47:52,036
I hope you're all enjoying
yourselves here in ma'am Danny's
984
00:47:52,036 --> 00:47:54,171
New York.
985
00:47:54,171 --> 00:47:56,707
Listen, look, look, this
this whole thing is
986
00:47:56,707 --> 00:48:01,612
just fun for us
because your wife is so awful.
987
00:48:01,612 --> 00:48:04,014
Oh, I know right?
988
00:48:04,014 --> 00:48:05,549
Hey, Che
989
00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:08,052
Want a touch em?
990
00:48:08,052 --> 00:48:11,522
You know, I wanna touch.
991
00:48:11,522 --> 00:48:13,491
Oh, a real move.
992
00:48:13,491 --> 00:48:14,992
Kristin Neom█s husband.
993
00:48:14,992 --> 00:48:20,965
Anyone want one?
994
00:48:26,937 --> 00:48:29,073
Candy maker Reese's announced
995
00:48:29,073 --> 00:48:31,509
that after complaints
from its founders grandson,
996
00:48:31,509 --> 00:48:33,210
it will return
to using chocolate
997
00:48:33,210 --> 00:48:35,746
instead of a chocolate compound
coating.
998
00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:37,882
Not to be outdone,
the grandson of the peeps
999
00:48:37,882 --> 00:48:43,854
founder wants to go back to real
skin.
1000
00:48:43,921 --> 00:48:46,791
New Jersey officials
are warning residents to secure
1001
00:48:46,791 --> 00:48:48,626
garbage cans as black bears
1002
00:48:48,626 --> 00:48:51,228
come out of hibernation
looking for food.
1003
00:48:51,228 --> 00:48:52,229
New Jersey.
1004
00:48:52,229 --> 00:48:58,235
No one steals
our precious garbage,
1005
00:48:58,402 --> 00:49:00,771
Tiger woods was arrested
for a DUI
1006
00:49:00,771 --> 00:49:03,073
after a rollover crash
in Florida.
1007
00:49:03,073 --> 00:49:05,209
Tiger said
he was disappointed in himself
1008
00:49:05,209 --> 00:49:11,182
because he just missed
the green.
1009
00:49:11,649 --> 00:49:13,851
The women's college basketball
title game
1010
00:49:13,851 --> 00:49:17,288
will be held tomorrow
between UCLA and South Carolina.
1011
00:49:17,288 --> 00:49:20,391
And no matter who wins,
I hope that every one of those
1012
00:49:20,391 --> 00:49:22,960
amazing
athletes find a good husband.
1013
00:49:31,669 --> 00:49:32,269
Wins the show.
1014
00:49:32,369 --> 00:49:35,005
Is it tomorrow? Tomorrow we go.
1015
00:49:35,005 --> 00:49:37,208
Pizza
Hut and Canada is celebrating
1016
00:49:37,208 --> 00:49:38,742
the start of baseball season
1017
00:49:38,742 --> 00:49:42,213
with a new hot dog
stuffed crust pizza.
1018
00:49:42,213 --> 00:49:43,247
Hey, Canada!
1019
00:49:43,247 --> 00:49:49,220
Our culture is not your costume.
1020
00:49:50,721 --> 00:49:53,958
Sugar, the first dog
inducted into the Surfers
1021
00:49:53,958 --> 00:49:57,261
Hall of Fame, has died
at the age of 16.
1022
00:49:57,261 --> 00:50:03,267
Sugar was known for her
famous catchphrase, oh!
1023
00:50:06,270 --> 00:50:12,276
She didn't like surf.
1024
00:50:13,110 --> 00:50:15,079
Today, in case you didn't know,
is National
1025
00:50:15,079 --> 00:50:17,615
Love Our Children Day,
which is traditionally
1026
00:50:17,615 --> 00:50:23,621
celebrated 500 yards away
from school property.
1027
00:50:24,188 --> 00:50:27,024
Experts have found that strong
glute muscles
1028
00:50:27,024 --> 00:50:29,760
can increase a person's
lifespan,
1029
00:50:29,760 --> 00:50:35,766
but also drain her brothers
bank account.
1030
00:50:37,134 --> 00:50:40,004
I am a fool and
1031
00:50:40,004 --> 00:50:43,207
archeologists have discovered
12,000 year old dice
1032
00:50:43,207 --> 00:50:44,875
that they believe
Native Americans
1033
00:50:44,875 --> 00:50:47,344
use for gambling.
The dig was funded
1034
00:50:47,344 --> 00:50:49,914
by the Institute
of Harmful Stereotypes.
1035
00:50:53,484 --> 00:50:56,387
Scientists in Spain are
saying that they have discovered
1036
00:50:56,387 --> 00:51:02,359
the male G-spot seen here.
1037
00:51:06,030 --> 00:51:06,263
Yeah.
1038
00:51:06,864 --> 00:51:08,499
Beautiful.
Yeah, it's really beautiful.
1039
00:51:08,499 --> 00:51:10,000
The trailer
1040
00:51:10,000 --> 00:51:13,370
for the trailer for the upcoming
HBO Harry Potter
1041
00:51:13,370 --> 00:51:15,472
series
just dropped, giving a new spin
1042
00:51:15,472 --> 00:51:17,508
on the franchise's
iconic characters.
1043
00:51:17,508 --> 00:51:19,543
Some fans are
especially surprised this time
1044
00:51:19,543 --> 00:51:22,079
Professor Snape will be played
by a black actor.
1045
00:51:22,079 --> 00:51:28,085
Here to comment
is Professor Snape.
1046
00:51:29,987 --> 00:51:31,789
Good evening, Mr.
1047
00:51:31,789 --> 00:51:35,025
Jones. Well,
hello Professor Snape.
1048
00:51:35,025 --> 00:51:38,696
Now play it all tied up.
1049
00:51:38,696 --> 00:51:39,863
It's called code switching.
1050
00:51:39,863 --> 00:51:43,033
Code him? Yes.
1051
00:51:43,033 --> 00:51:45,769
All right. Well,
how is your year at Hogwarts?
1052
00:51:45,769 --> 00:51:47,471
Not great.
1053
00:51:47,471 --> 00:51:48,439
We got this new kid
1054
00:51:48,439 --> 00:51:52,176
who's name Harry Potter,
and he's racist as hell.
1055
00:51:52,176 --> 00:51:54,044
Wait a second.
Harry Potter is racist.
1056
00:51:54,044 --> 00:51:56,580
Yes. Harry Potter
or the Proud Boys
1057
00:51:56,580 --> 00:51:59,850
who lived, spent the whole year
telling everybody
1058
00:51:59,850 --> 00:52:03,287
that the school's only
black teacher was secretly evil.
1059
00:52:06,090 --> 00:52:07,891
I think he's just worried
because he knows someone's
1060
00:52:07,891 --> 00:52:09,860
trying
to steal the Sorcerer's Stone.
1061
00:52:09,860 --> 00:52:13,464
So somebody stole something.
1062
00:52:13,464 --> 00:52:17,534
And the number one
suspect is Black Snape.
1063
00:52:17,534 --> 00:52:20,204
He didn't even look in
the direction of the white guy.
1064
00:52:20,204 --> 00:52:21,038
The turban.
1065
00:52:21,472 --> 00:52:27,611
So the picture, he's got Wizard
hidden on the back of his head.
1066
00:52:27,611 --> 00:52:28,612
I'm really sorry that
1067
00:52:28,779 --> 00:52:31,615
you just jump to conclusions
like that, you know? All good.
1068
00:52:31,615 --> 00:52:33,217
It happens all the time.
1069
00:52:33,217 --> 00:52:34,385
I saw the Hogwarts,
1070
00:52:34,385 --> 00:52:36,286
and the first day
they looked at me and said.
1071
00:52:36,286 --> 00:52:40,591
You're the professor of the dark
arts.
1072
00:52:40,591 --> 00:52:41,859
That's not. That's not great.
1073
00:52:41,859 --> 00:52:44,561
You telling me
I never even study that?
1074
00:52:44,561 --> 00:52:48,932
I majored in African Muggle
Studies.
1075
00:52:48,932 --> 00:52:51,635
Look, the whole wizarding world
is racist.
1076
00:52:51,635 --> 00:52:54,204
There's one other black guy,
Kingsley Shackle.
1077
00:52:54,204 --> 00:52:56,206
Both a name, I'm
guessing to get out of
1078
00:52:56,206 --> 00:52:59,777
the Wu-Tang name generator.
1079
00:52:59,777 --> 00:53:01,078
Yeah, but look, Kingsley is
1080
00:53:01,078 --> 00:53:02,980
an important member
of the order of the Phoenix.
1081
00:53:02,980 --> 00:53:07,317
Okay,
the way he looked like this.
1082
00:53:07,317 --> 00:53:09,787
Everyone gets to wear
these dignified robes,
1083
00:53:09,787 --> 00:53:11,688
but it just seems like
he said cocoa butter
1084
00:53:11,688 --> 00:53:15,359
incense outside of a barbershop.
1085
00:53:15,359 --> 00:53:17,861
I don't know, it's
kind of a cool outfit, right?
1086
00:53:17,861 --> 00:53:21,031
Yeah, for a Haitian cabdriver.
1087
00:53:21,031 --> 00:53:23,067
And why they got to put shackle
in his name?
1088
00:53:23,067 --> 00:53:25,002
That's crazy, man.
1089
00:53:25,002 --> 00:53:28,305
Shaquille.
1090
00:53:28,305 --> 00:53:30,607
Chuckle.
1091
00:53:30,607 --> 00:53:31,375
All right. Yes.
1092
00:53:31,375 --> 00:53:32,810
Well,
for the very first time, I'm
1093
00:53:32,810 --> 00:53:38,382
starting to think that JK
Rowling might be problematic.
1094
00:53:38,382 --> 00:53:42,252
Okay, but the old ways,
in a way, I just messed up.
1095
00:53:42,252 --> 00:53:45,689
We have magic, we have wands
that can do anything.
1096
00:53:45,689 --> 00:53:49,426
And people in my world
still have slaves.
1097
00:53:49,426 --> 00:53:53,530
Well, they're called house
elves. Yes, I got house ill.
1098
00:53:53,530 --> 00:53:57,201
I bet you didn't
know they got field elves to.
1099
00:53:57,201 --> 00:53:58,402
They didn't
put that in the book.
1100
00:53:58,402 --> 00:54:00,804
Long calling.
1101
00:54:00,804 --> 00:54:01,438
They didn't.
1102
00:54:01,672 --> 00:54:03,040
And I would know
because I've read every
1103
00:54:03,040 --> 00:54:08,812
Harry Potter book
hundreds of times. Nerd.
1104
00:54:08,812 --> 00:54:12,649
But I do have one final thing
I'd like to say to Harry Potter.
1105
00:54:12,649 --> 00:54:16,086
To Harry Potter?
What's that? What?
1106
00:54:16,086 --> 00:54:18,989
I'm with thick as hell, though.
1107
00:54:18,989 --> 00:54:21,091
I miss her so much.
1108
00:54:21,091 --> 00:54:24,294
Black Snape.
Everyone who can't come back.
1109
00:54:24,294 --> 00:54:26,230
For Weekend
Update, I'm Colin Jost.
1110
00:54:26,230 --> 00:54:29,133
I'm Michael
Che, Goodnight!
1111
00:54:57,461 --> 00:54:58,962
Spartans.
1112
00:54:58,962 --> 00:55:02,699
Oh! Oh. Oh.
1113
00:55:02,699 --> 00:55:04,334
Nice.
1114
00:55:04,334 --> 00:55:06,837
Today
we march through the hot gates
1115
00:55:06,837 --> 00:55:09,673
to face the full marks
of the Persian Empire.
1116
00:55:09,673 --> 00:55:11,909
However, the oracle decrees
1117
00:55:11,909 --> 00:55:14,745
that I may only take
300 of you with me.
1118
00:55:14,745 --> 00:55:19,249
And unfortunately,
there are 301 Spartans here.
1119
00:55:19,249 --> 00:55:23,287
Which means one of you
will have to stay back.
1120
00:55:23,287 --> 00:55:26,690
Sucks for that guy.
1121
00:55:26,690 --> 00:55:29,259
This is going to be such a big,
important battle.
1122
00:55:29,259 --> 00:55:32,863
Everything on the line.
Awesome. Quick question.
1123
00:55:32,863 --> 00:55:35,566
Is anyone else having an issue
with their chest piece?
1124
00:55:35,566 --> 00:55:38,969
I think mine
maybe I got a woman small.
1125
00:55:38,969 --> 00:55:41,038
They don't make armor for women.
1126
00:55:41,038 --> 00:55:44,942
Ooh! Sexist. Spartans, please.
1127
00:55:44,942 --> 00:55:48,545
A billion warriors from the
Persian Empire descend upon us.
1128
00:55:48,545 --> 00:55:51,782
It is said their arrows
will blot out the sun.
1129
00:55:51,782 --> 00:55:57,354
Then we will fight in the shade.
1130
00:55:57,354 --> 00:56:00,958
Did you just come up with that?
1131
00:56:00,958 --> 00:56:03,193
Yeah. So good man.
1132
00:56:03,193 --> 00:56:04,828
So good.
1133
00:56:04,828 --> 00:56:07,064
So what? You chiseled that down?
1134
00:56:07,064 --> 00:56:08,498
God, I want to try one.
1135
00:56:08,498 --> 00:56:09,733
I think I'm
going to be good at it.
1136
00:56:09,733 --> 00:56:13,737
Leon, can you set me up
and I'll do a good line?
1137
00:56:13,737 --> 00:56:17,407
Fine. If it moves this alarm,
it is, sir.
1138
00:56:17,407 --> 00:56:19,676
The Persian army
has so many archers,
1139
00:56:19,676 --> 00:56:22,813
the arrows will blot out
the sun. Good.
1140
00:56:22,813 --> 00:56:26,683
Because my family's
got a history of skin cancer.
1141
00:56:26,683 --> 00:56:29,453
That's bad.
1142
00:56:29,453 --> 00:56:32,990
Can you.
Okay, let's just move on.
1143
00:56:32,990 --> 00:56:35,826
As I said,
there's 301 Spartans here.
1144
00:56:35,826 --> 00:56:39,663
So now I will choose the 300
who will be joining me?
1145
00:56:39,663 --> 00:56:42,165
Let's start with Lysander.
1146
00:56:42,165 --> 00:56:46,603
Good pack, good pack.
He's a beast. That makes sense.
1147
00:56:46,603 --> 00:56:47,671
Do you?
1148
00:56:47,671 --> 00:56:50,607
I get that. I get that.
He said the good line.
1149
00:56:50,607 --> 00:56:53,844
You got to reward that.
So we got the brain.
1150
00:56:53,844 --> 00:56:57,881
We got the brawn. Now
to the personality. Hyah!
1151
00:56:57,881 --> 00:57:00,751
Absolutely.
And this one's a no brainer.
1152
00:57:00,751 --> 00:57:02,185
Ajax.
1153
00:57:02,185 --> 00:57:05,055
Ooh! Ha ha ha!
1154
00:57:05,055 --> 00:57:08,025
Ha ha ha ha! Hilarious.
1155
00:57:08,025 --> 00:57:10,093
Let's keep going.
1156
00:57:16,700 --> 00:57:17,567
Okay.
1157
00:57:17,567 --> 00:57:20,604
All right. Down to the last two.
1158
00:57:20,604 --> 00:57:26,243
This is really tough. How,
1159
00:57:26,243 --> 00:57:29,146
do I go with my brain?
Do I go with my heart?
1160
00:57:29,146 --> 00:57:31,014
Because, honestly,
the most saying the same thing.
1161
00:57:31,014 --> 00:57:35,986
It's tiny,
tinios in your face. Bitch.
1162
00:57:39,690 --> 00:57:40,357
Thank you.
1163
00:57:40,357 --> 00:57:41,591
It's cool.
1164
00:57:41,591 --> 00:57:44,995
I'm really sorry. Got to go.
Totally. Thank you for that.
1165
00:57:44,995 --> 00:57:47,364
Can I just ask why
I wasn't chosen?
1166
00:57:47,364 --> 00:57:51,168
And don't hold back.
I want to know so I can improve.
1167
00:57:51,168 --> 00:57:54,104
Okay. Well,
you're too short, Too slow.
1168
00:57:54,104 --> 00:57:55,739
Oh. That's athletic. Fine.
1169
00:58:00,077 --> 00:58:01,078
You're a coward.
1170
00:58:01,078 --> 00:58:01,678
You stop.
1171
00:58:02,012 --> 00:58:03,980
You run. Weird,
I hate you. You smell weird.
1172
00:58:03,980 --> 00:58:04,781
That's fair.
1173
00:58:04,781 --> 00:58:06,583
And then finally,
you keep saying
1174
00:58:06,583 --> 00:58:08,652
you have a heart out at five.
1175
00:58:08,652 --> 00:58:13,223
Dinner is when dinner is. Well,
we should be going.
1176
00:58:13,223 --> 00:58:15,926
Spartans! To our glorious death.
1177
00:58:15,926 --> 00:58:21,498
Oh! Oh! Oh! Nice.
1178
00:58:21,498 --> 00:58:25,435
Well, looks like it's just me
and all the women of Sparta.
1179
00:58:44,221 --> 00:58:47,457
>>> ONCE AGAIN, JACK WHITE!
1180
00:58:47,457 --> 00:58:52,295
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
1181
00:58:52,295 --> 00:58:52,629
♪♪
1182
00:58:52,629 --> 00:59:01,271
♪♪
1183
00:59:01,271 --> 00:59:05,742
♪♪
1184
00:59:05,742 --> 00:59:08,779
♪ WELCOME TO THE
1185
00:59:08,779 --> 00:59:12,282
GARDEN OF EDEN
1186
00:59:12,282 --> 00:59:13,850
NOBODY HERE
1187
00:59:13,850 --> 00:59:14,851
BUT ME AND YOU ♪
1188
00:59:14,851 --> 00:59:15,585
♪ SO WHAT WE GONNA BE EATING
1189
00:59:15,585 --> 00:59:16,353
MICROPHONE CHECK
1190
00:59:16,353 --> 00:59:17,621
ONE-TWO, ONE-TWO ♪
1191
00:59:17,621 --> 00:59:18,855
♪ LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A
1192
00:59:18,855 --> 00:59:20,357
LITTLE PLACE TO DO THE
1193
00:59:20,357 --> 00:59:23,827
THINGS WE NEED TO DO NOW
1194
00:59:23,827 --> 00:59:24,895
AND IT'LL SOUND LIKE THIS ♪
1195
00:59:24,895 --> 00:59:33,370
♪♪
1196
00:59:33,370 --> 00:59:34,371
♪♪
1197
00:59:34,371 --> 00:59:35,605
♪ WELCOME TO THE END
1198
00:59:35,605 --> 00:59:41,344
OF THE WORLD ♪
1199
00:59:41,344 --> 00:59:47,117
♪ NOBODY LEFT BUT ONE BOY
1200
00:59:47,117 --> 00:59:47,884
AND ONE GIRL
1201
00:59:47,884 --> 00:59:48,618
AND ONE OTHER
1202
00:59:48,618 --> 00:59:49,352
BUT YOU KNOW ♪
1203
00:59:49,352 --> 00:59:50,120
♪ WE CAN'T LIVE LIKE
1204
00:59:50,120 --> 00:59:51,121
A SISTER AND A BROTHER
1205
00:59:51,121 --> 00:59:51,855
THEY'RE GONNA MAKE YOU
1206
00:59:51,855 --> 00:59:52,856
A MOTHER NOW ♪
1207
00:59:52,856 --> 00:59:59,596
♪♪
1208
00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:00,597
♪ THE FIRST OF THE RIVERS
1209
01:00:00,597 --> 01:00:06,603
IS CALLED RIVER ROUGE ♪
1210
01:00:06,603 --> 01:00:08,104
♪ AND THE THIRD OF
1211
01:00:08,104 --> 01:00:08,839
THE RIVERS IS CALLED
1212
01:00:08,839 --> 01:00:09,606
THE STRAIT ♪
1213
01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:11,108
♪ AND I GOTTA GET UP
1214
01:00:11,108 --> 01:00:12,108
GOTTA GET OUT ♪
1215
01:00:12,108 --> 01:00:12,876
♪ GOTTA FIND A WAY TO EAT
1216
01:00:12,876 --> 01:00:13,877
THE FRUIT FROM THE
1217
01:00:13,877 --> 01:00:20,617
TREE OF FATE ♪
1218
01:00:20,617 --> 01:00:21,151
♪ I BET IT TASTES
1219
01:00:21,151 --> 01:00:21,885
LIKE THIS ♪
1220
01:00:21,885 --> 01:00:26,356
♪♪
1221
01:00:26,356 --> 01:00:27,124
♪ AND DO WE EXIST
1222
01:00:27,124 --> 01:00:27,858
AND DO WE EVEN KNOW
1223
01:00:27,858 --> 01:00:28,625
ALL THE LITTLE THINGS LIKE ♪
1224
01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:29,626
♪ WHERE WE CAME FROM
1225
01:00:29,626 --> 01:00:33,864
OR WHERE WE'RE GONNA GO
1226
01:00:33,864 --> 01:00:36,600
AND I FOR ONE AM
1227
01:00:36,600 --> 01:00:37,634
ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW BUT ♪
1228
01:00:37,634 --> 01:00:39,870
♪ SO WHAT, WHAT'S UP
1229
01:00:39,870 --> 01:00:42,138
JOIN THE CLUB NOW
1230
01:00:42,138 --> 01:00:42,873
IF YOU CAN ♪
1231
01:00:42,873 --> 01:00:43,640
♪ JOHNNY BEGOT SAM
1232
01:00:43,640 --> 01:00:44,608
POLLY BEGOT PAM
1233
01:00:44,608 --> 01:00:45,876
TELL ME NOW, DO WE GOT FAM ♪
1234
01:00:45,876 --> 01:00:50,614
♪ ONE BY ONE
1235
01:00:50,614 --> 01:00:51,114
EVERYONE MOVING ON
1236
01:00:51,114 --> 01:00:51,882
WITH THE PLAN ♪
1237
01:00:51,882 --> 01:00:54,618
♪♪
1238
01:00:54,618 --> 01:00:57,087
♪♪
1239
01:00:57,087 --> 01:00:58,121
♪ WATCH ME WALK
1240
01:00:58,121 --> 01:01:01,625
THEN I STROLL
1241
01:01:01,625 --> 01:01:04,861
AND IT'S YOUR
1242
01:01:04,861 --> 01:01:06,863
TELEPHONE TALK ♪
1243
01:01:06,863 --> 01:01:07,597
♪ THEN YOU SCROLL AND IT'S
1244
01:01:07,597 --> 01:01:08,365
WATCH ME ROCK
1245
01:01:08,365 --> 01:01:10,834
THEN I ROLL BABY ♪
1246
01:01:10,834 --> 01:01:13,603
♪ AND IT'S LET ME OUT
1247
01:01:13,603 --> 01:01:16,840
LET ME OUT
1248
01:01:16,840 --> 01:01:18,108
LET ME SHOUT, WOO ♪
1249
01:01:18,108 --> 01:01:19,376
♪ RIGHT FROM MY SOUL
1250
01:01:19,376 --> 01:01:20,110
WITH SALT AND COAL, AH
1251
01:01:20,110 --> 01:01:21,144
NOW LISTEN TO ME
1252
01:01:21,144 --> 01:01:21,878
ROLL WITH IT ♪
1253
01:01:21,878 --> 01:01:27,350
♪♪
1254
01:01:27,350 --> 01:01:28,351
♪ RING THAT BELL
1255
01:01:28,351 --> 01:01:31,354
THEN RING YOUR NECK ♪
1256
01:01:31,354 --> 01:01:32,122
♪ WRITE YOURSELF A
1257
01:01:32,122 --> 01:01:33,123
DIME NOVEL AND THEN
1258
01:01:33,123 --> 01:01:37,093
WRITE YOURSELF A CHECK ♪
1259
01:01:37,093 --> 01:01:40,363
♪ SEND YOURSELF TO HELL
1260
01:01:40,363 --> 01:01:43,633
IN A HAND BASKET
1261
01:01:43,633 --> 01:01:44,367
NOW WHAT THE HECK ♪
1262
01:01:44,367 --> 01:01:45,101
♪ I'M A PENNY DREADFUL AND
1263
01:01:45,101 --> 01:01:46,870
A FROZEN CHARLOTTE ♪
1264
01:01:46,870 --> 01:01:49,606
♪♪
1265
01:01:49,606 --> 01:01:57,847
♪♪
1266
01:01:57,847 --> 01:01:59,349
♪♪
1267
01:01:59,349 --> 01:02:01,117
♪ YEAH
1268
01:02:01,117 --> 01:02:02,118
WELL IT'S THE BEGINNING
1269
01:02:02,118 --> 01:02:04,554
OF THE WORLD NOW
1270
01:02:04,554 --> 01:02:05,589
AND THERE'S NOBODY LEFT ♪
1271
01:02:05,589 --> 01:02:06,122
♪ BUT ONE BOY AND
1272
01:02:06,122 --> 01:02:06,523
ONE GIRL NOW
1273
01:02:06,590 --> 01:02:07,023
LET'S START AGAIN
1274
01:02:07,157 --> 01:02:08,825
LET'S DO IT AGAIN NOW ♪
1275
01:02:08,825 --> 01:02:09,392
♪ LET'S START AGAIN
1276
01:02:09,492 --> 01:02:17,100
LET'S DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN ♪
1277
01:02:17,100 --> 01:02:20,904
♪♪
1278
01:02:20,904 --> 01:02:33,083
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
1279
01:02:42,325 --> 01:02:45,228
>>> ALL RIGHT, WE'RE IN!
1280
01:02:45,228 --> 01:02:46,496
LET SPRING BREAK BEGIN!
1281
01:02:46,496 --> 01:02:47,264
>> WHOO!
1282
01:02:47,264 --> 01:02:48,331
>> SPRING BREAK!
1283
01:02:48,331 --> 01:02:51,735
>> OH MY GOSH, THIS AIRBNB IS
1284
01:02:51,735 --> 01:02:52,102
MASSIVE.
1285
01:02:52,435 --> 01:02:52,836
>> YEAH, EVEN THE CLOSET, IT'S
1286
01:02:52,836 --> 01:02:54,537
HUGE.
1287
01:02:54,537 --> 01:02:56,006
>> KNOCK-KNOCK!
1288
01:02:56,006 --> 01:02:58,708
IT'S BOB, YOUR AIRBNB SUPER HOST
1289
01:02:58,708 --> 01:03:00,777
JUST POPPING IN TO SAY HI WITH
1290
01:03:00,777 --> 01:03:02,245
SOME HOMEMADE CROISSANTS.
1291
01:03:02,245 --> 01:03:03,780
>> OH, WOW!
1292
01:03:03,780 --> 01:03:06,916
>> NO WONDER YOU'RE A SUPER
1293
01:03:06,916 --> 01:03:07,217
HOST!
1294
01:03:07,517 --> 01:03:08,151
>> I'LL LEAVE YOU TO IT.
1295
01:03:08,218 --> 01:03:09,486
>> AWESOME, YEAH, THANK YOU SO
1296
01:03:09,486 --> 01:03:12,288
MUCH, MAN.
1297
01:03:12,288 --> 01:03:13,823
THAT FRICKIN' ROCKS.
1298
01:03:13,823 --> 01:03:15,091
>> THAT'S MY MIDDLE NAME.
1299
01:03:15,091 --> 01:03:16,326
HAVE A GREAT, GREAT TIME.
1300
01:03:16,326 --> 01:03:16,826
GREAT TO SEE YOU.
1301
01:03:16,826 --> 01:03:19,262
AND PEACE AND LOVE.
1302
01:03:19,262 --> 01:03:19,663
[ LAUGHTER ]
1303
01:03:19,796 --> 01:03:20,263
>> OKAY, WHO'S HUNGRY?
1304
01:03:20,263 --> 01:03:25,935
BECAUSE -- WAIT.
1305
01:03:25,935 --> 01:03:27,704
DID HE JUST WALK INTO THE
1306
01:03:27,704 --> 01:03:28,071
CLOSET?
1307
01:03:28,071 --> 01:03:28,405
>> NO.
1308
01:03:28,405 --> 01:03:29,172
>> YES.
1309
01:03:29,172 --> 01:03:30,573
YEAH, THAT WAS A CLOSET.
1310
01:03:30,573 --> 01:03:31,908
I THINK HE JUST --
1311
01:03:31,908 --> 01:03:32,575
>> REALLY?
1312
01:03:32,575 --> 01:03:33,943
>> WHY IS HE IN THE CLOSET?
1313
01:03:33,943 --> 01:03:35,178
>> DO SOMETHING.
1314
01:03:35,178 --> 01:03:35,512
>> GO.
1315
01:03:35,679 --> 01:03:39,683
>> ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
1316
01:03:39,683 --> 01:03:42,585
BOB?
1317
01:03:42,585 --> 01:03:42,852
BOB?
1318
01:03:42,852 --> 01:03:46,423
>> YEAH?
1319
01:03:46,423 --> 01:03:50,727
[ LAUGHTER ]
1320
01:03:50,727 --> 01:03:51,928
>> HEY!
1321
01:03:51,928 --> 01:03:52,629
>> HEY.
1322
01:03:52,629 --> 01:03:53,830
WE'RE JUST WONDERING IF MAYBE
1323
01:03:53,830 --> 01:03:56,866
YOU WERE STANDING IN THE ENCLOSE
1324
01:03:56,866 --> 01:03:57,200
IS SET.
1325
01:03:57,267 --> 01:03:58,001
>> OH, MY GOD.
1326
01:03:58,001 --> 01:03:58,501
BRAIN FART.
1327
01:03:58,568 --> 01:04:00,603
I REMODELED BACK IN '02.
1328
01:04:00,603 --> 01:04:01,338
NOW I'M ALWAYS LIKE, WHERE THE
1329
01:04:01,338 --> 01:04:05,241
HECK AM I?
1330
01:04:05,241 --> 01:04:06,443
NOT IN THE CLOSET TRYING TO GET
1331
01:04:06,443 --> 01:04:07,911
A SENSE OF WHAT IT'S LIKE TO
1332
01:04:07,911 --> 01:04:09,479
HANG OUT WITH A COOL GROUP OF
1333
01:04:09,479 --> 01:04:11,781
YOUNG FOLKS JUST LIVING UP AND
1334
01:04:11,781 --> 01:04:16,419
DOING THE EPIC RIFFS.
1335
01:04:16,419 --> 01:04:16,753
♪♪
1336
01:04:17,120 --> 01:04:18,888
>> YEAH, BOB, I THINK WE'D LIKE
1337
01:04:18,888 --> 01:04:19,723
SOME PRIVACY.
1338
01:04:19,723 --> 01:04:24,027
>> NO PROBLEMO, I WILL GET OUT
1339
01:04:24,027 --> 01:04:27,997
OF YOUR HAIR.
1340
01:04:27,997 --> 01:04:28,465
TA-TA FOR NOW!
1341
01:04:28,465 --> 01:04:28,898
AND I'M GONE.
1342
01:04:28,898 --> 01:04:30,300
>> BOB?
1343
01:04:30,300 --> 01:04:34,037
BOB?
1344
01:04:34,037 --> 01:04:36,372
>> WAZZUP!
1345
01:04:36,372 --> 01:04:36,773
[ LAUGHTER ]
1346
01:04:37,073 --> 01:04:38,742
>> PLEASE GET OUT OF THERE, MAN.
1347
01:04:38,742 --> 01:04:39,109
>> SORRY.
1348
01:04:39,342 --> 01:04:43,813
I THOUGHT THIS WAS MY CAR.
1349
01:04:43,813 --> 01:04:44,948
>> THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.
1350
01:04:44,948 --> 01:04:45,849
>> NO, IT'S NOT.
1351
01:04:45,849 --> 01:04:49,786
MY CAR IS RED.
1352
01:04:49,786 --> 01:04:50,186
[ LAUGHTER ]
1353
01:04:50,353 --> 01:04:51,454
>> BOB, CAN YOU GET OUT?
1354
01:04:51,454 --> 01:04:53,890
>> TOTALLY, TOTALLY, TOTALLY.
1355
01:04:53,890 --> 01:04:54,958
LOUD AND CLEAR.
1356
01:04:54,958 --> 01:04:55,792
BABE, WE'RE LEAVING.
1357
01:04:55,792 --> 01:04:56,259
>> BABE?
1358
01:04:56,259 --> 01:04:57,927
>> WAZZUM!
1359
01:04:57,927 --> 01:05:00,230
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
1360
01:05:00,230 --> 01:05:00,697
>> OH, MY GOD.
1361
01:05:00,697 --> 01:05:02,966
>> WHAT THE HELL.
1362
01:05:02,966 --> 01:05:04,100
WHO IS THIS PERSON?
1363
01:05:04,100 --> 01:05:04,601
IS THAT YOUR WIFE?
1364
01:05:04,601 --> 01:05:04,934
>> NO.
1365
01:05:04,934 --> 01:05:11,608
>> NO!
1366
01:05:11,608 --> 01:05:13,209
SINCE HIS WIFE PASSED AWAY,
1367
01:05:13,209 --> 01:05:15,211
WE'VE BEEN FEELING THINGS OUT.
1368
01:05:15,211 --> 01:05:15,779
[ LAUGHTER ]
1369
01:05:15,912 --> 01:05:18,114
TWICE, ONE INSIDE, ONE OUTSIDE,
1370
01:05:18,114 --> 01:05:21,518
BOTH TERRIBLE.
1371
01:05:21,518 --> 01:05:21,918
[ LAUGHTER ]
1372
01:05:22,152 --> 01:05:23,853
>> WE'RE IN PERSON BUT NOT
1373
01:05:23,853 --> 01:05:24,621
POSTING ABOUT IT.
1374
01:05:24,621 --> 01:05:26,156
>> ANYBODY CAN'T TO GET
1375
01:05:26,156 --> 01:05:29,793
CHOCOLATE MUSHROOMS AND JUST --
1376
01:05:29,793 --> 01:05:32,128
>> WE DON'T WANT TO DO -- YOU
1377
01:05:32,128 --> 01:05:33,329
TWO NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE,
1378
01:05:33,329 --> 01:05:33,963
OKAY?
1379
01:05:34,030 --> 01:05:35,932
RIGHT NOW, OR EAR CANCELING THE
1380
01:05:35,932 --> 01:05:36,366
RESERVATION.
1381
01:05:36,633 --> 01:05:37,567
>> FINE, WE DON'T EVEN WANT TO
1382
01:05:37,567 --> 01:05:40,203
HANG OUT WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE
1383
01:05:40,203 --> 01:05:44,007
RUDE DUDES WITH BAD TUDES.
1384
01:05:44,007 --> 01:05:46,009
>> I'M GOING TO MOISTURIZE.
1385
01:05:46,009 --> 01:05:47,143
>> YOU'RE NOT GETTING NONE OF
1386
01:05:47,143 --> 01:05:47,710
THIS MOISTURE, EITHER.
1387
01:05:47,710 --> 01:05:50,180
[ LAUGHTER ]
1388
01:05:50,180 --> 01:05:51,648
>> THE HANDLE'S ALL SLIPPERY.
1389
01:05:51,648 --> 01:05:53,716
>> OH-OH, THE DOORKNOB IS
1390
01:05:53,716 --> 01:05:54,484
SLIPPERY?
1391
01:05:54,484 --> 01:05:55,452
GUYS, WE CAN'T GET OUT.
1392
01:05:55,452 --> 01:05:57,921
>> OH, COME ON, JUST TWIST IT.
1393
01:05:57,921 --> 01:06:00,456
>> MAYBE IT NOTES MORE JERGENS.
1394
01:06:00,456 --> 01:06:02,392
>> YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH
1395
01:06:02,392 --> 01:06:02,926
JERGENS.
1396
01:06:02,926 --> 01:06:03,326
[ LAUGHTER ]
1397
01:06:03,626 --> 01:06:04,928
>> MAYBE WE NEED TO DOUBLE JER
1398
01:06:04,928 --> 01:06:05,261
GIVEN.
1399
01:06:05,328 --> 01:06:07,997
>> JERG IT UP.
1400
01:06:07,997 --> 01:06:09,432
>> BAD NEWS, GUYS.
1401
01:06:09,432 --> 01:06:10,867
I THINK THE JERGENS FROM HER
1402
01:06:10,867 --> 01:06:12,468
HAND TRANSFERRED ONTO THE KNOB.
1403
01:06:12,468 --> 01:06:12,902
OH, THANK YOU.
1404
01:06:12,902 --> 01:06:17,173
[ LAUGHTER ]
1405
01:06:17,173 --> 01:06:17,874
>> STOP.
1406
01:06:17,874 --> 01:06:18,174
STOP.
1407
01:06:18,274 --> 01:06:18,608
>> SLIPPERY.
1408
01:06:18,808 --> 01:06:19,576
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
1409
01:06:19,576 --> 01:06:20,977
>> OH, GOD.
1410
01:06:20,977 --> 01:06:21,744
>> I CAN'T TELL WHOSE HANDS ARE
1411
01:06:21,744 --> 01:06:22,045
WHERE.
1412
01:06:22,111 --> 01:06:25,048
[ LAUGHTER ]
1413
01:06:25,048 --> 01:06:30,320
>> HAVE A BIT MORE JERG.
1414
01:06:30,320 --> 01:06:31,054
>> CAN YOU GUYS PLEASE JUST GET
1415
01:06:31,054 --> 01:06:31,321
OUT?
1416
01:06:31,387 --> 01:06:31,688
GET OUT.
1417
01:06:32,088 --> 01:06:32,589
>> WAIT A SECOND THERE MUST BE
1418
01:06:32,589 --> 01:06:33,022
SOME WAY OUT!
1419
01:06:33,022 --> 01:06:37,160
WE CAN'T GET OUT!
1420
01:06:37,160 --> 01:06:38,194
>> IT'S NOT FAIR.
1421
01:06:38,194 --> 01:06:39,562
>> NO, NO, NO!
1422
01:06:39,562 --> 01:06:40,129
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
1423
01:06:40,129 --> 01:06:42,632
>> NO, NO!
1424
01:06:42,632 --> 01:06:47,237
[ LAUGHTER ]
1425
01:06:47,237 --> 01:06:54,277
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
1426
01:06:54,277 --> 01:06:54,744
>> WHAT'S THAT?
1427
01:06:54,744 --> 01:06:56,546
>> STOP!
1428
01:06:56,546 --> 01:06:57,814
>> FINE, FINE.
1429
01:06:57,814 --> 01:07:00,750
IF YOU REALLY WANT TO -- STOP!
1430
01:07:00,750 --> 01:07:01,150
[ LAUGHTER ]
1431
01:07:01,150 --> 01:07:01,551
>> STOP IT.
1432
01:07:01,551 --> 01:07:03,152
>> STOP!
1433
01:07:03,152 --> 01:07:06,222
IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HANG OUT,
1434
01:07:06,222 --> 01:07:07,557
YOU CAN STAY FOR 30 MINUTES
1435
01:07:07,557 --> 01:07:08,358
TOPS.
1436
01:07:08,358 --> 01:07:09,959
>> PARTY TIME!
1437
01:07:09,959 --> 01:07:11,361
>> NOW EVERYBODY SMILE FOR THE
1438
01:07:11,361 --> 01:07:12,896
CAMERAS.
1439
01:07:12,896 --> 01:07:14,264
>> CAMERAS?
1440
01:07:14,264 --> 01:07:21,004
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
1441
01:07:27,677 --> 01:07:30,046
>>> THANKS TO JACK WHITE, JONAH
1442
01:07:30,046 --> 01:07:31,814
HILL, TINA FEY, CANDICE BERGEN,
1443
01:07:31,814 --> 01:07:32,882
MELISSA MCCARTHY
1444
01:07:32,882 --> 01:07:35,218
THIS IS THE BEST SHOW IN THE
WORLD. THANK YOU LORNE
1445
01:07:35,218 --> 01:07:37,120
THIS CAST & CREW
ARE THE BEST
1446
01:07:37,120 --> 01:07:38,187
I LOVE YOU!
95937
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