Original subtitles

Okay gang.

Anyone has to use the bathroom.

Do it now.

We've got another two hours before we get to grandma's.

I'm just going to fill up the tank.

Fill up?

Not all the way, though, right?

We have to, but it's $5 a gallon.

I said we have to, kids.

We're going to have to leave one of you behind.

What? Why?

gas prices, darling.

Dad, why does gas cost so much?

Oh, the Epstein files.

Kidding. But possibly not.

It's called butterfly effect, right?

Epstein was first domino. Epstein.

Bing bing bing bing bing bing bang bang bang or.

Anyway. Hi. It's me, Donald Trump.

You might remember me from such campaign promises

as lower gas prices and no more Wars sike

We love to make promises because a promise is just a lie.

That hasn't happened yet,

but now it has.

And gas costs like $1,000,000 billion a gallon.

And as for the stock market, let me put it in a way that the

Harry styles fans in the crowd tonight will understand.

You guys are going to love this one.

The stock market is going in one direction down.

Down.

I said, you don't know you're broke as hell.

Sorry, I'm not familiar with his newer music.

I am straight anyway.

What were you talking about?

Oh yes.

Gas prices, which are very high because of war with Iran,

which is where they make gas. I wish someone had told me that.

But we will win this war

because Iran is old and nobody likes him.

Iran is like ballet and opera and were Timmy Chalamet

Wow. Kicking them while they're down to me.

Which is frankly best time to kick.

Look at the gas back there frozen in one of these.

Look at Marcello. He's playing kids.

He's SNL's little Chihuahua.

That sounds racist, but it is

I|m a racist guy. I say racist stuff

And how about Ashley Padilla?

Last name sounds Spanish, but take a look at her folks.

That's the whitest white that other white haircut

we love. Haircut.

Point is, I have this.

I have everything under control. Okay?

I've been meeting with the nation's top minds. Jake Paul.

He was booed very badly at the Mike Tyson fight.

We hate to hear boos.

Someone say boos.

Hey, so I had a couple road sodas.

Chill Pete Hegseth says as I live and struggled to breathe.

It's great to see you, Mr.

President.

Before I begin, I just want to thank you sincerely

for these beautiful size 16 Florsheim shoes.

They fit me like a glove.

Happy to do it like a clown's glove.

If you're wondering

why I was in the back seat of this random family's car,

I'll tell you the same thing I say

when people ask about our plans for Iran. I don't know.

Is it that wonderful?

Well, I'm going to wander around.

Great.

Thank you for everything, sir.

President, call me here today to give you news on the war.

Okay, so listen up.

The news is we won.

Hashtag winning.

So you can stop asking me all about it, okay?

Don't even worry about it. Forget about it.

The real problem is all you gaybees

gay babies. Copyright.

What you gave these in the media

are completely unpatriotic, okay?

They're using what I do and say to make me look like a fool.

Been there. I've been there before.

But yeah, we've all been there a lot.

You know, the press says we bombed a school.

I just blame it on the, Ayatollah

and also on the alcohol.

What are you, dweeb?

Stop saying the Strait of Hormuz is closed.

It's wide open.

Sure. There's a bunch of land mines floating in the water.

Water mines? I guess.

But if you're an oil tanker and you're driving it

and you see one of the mines,

just do what I used to do at every DUI checkpoint.

Close your eyes and gun it.

Great advice.

Pete. Okay, anyway, back to the gas station scene.

Kidding. Of course. And from New York, it's Saturday night.

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

HOST AND MUSICAL GUEST, HARRY

106 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- HARRY

108 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much.

It's so great to be back

hosting Saturday Night Live for a second time.

I wasn't sure

if I would host again,

but I couldn't

resist when I heard they booked my favorite ever musical guest.

I finished my last tour in 2023, and after that

I took a bunch of time off.

I realized I spent half of my life in music,

touring, creating albums

and making songs about fruit that people think are about sex.

I just really like fruit, guys.

I like sex too.

You know,

when you're on holiday, it's like five in the afternoon.

You're all covered in sand.

You and your partner are all sweaty and hot,

and you stumble back to the room and you just want to, papaya.

Back then,

people seem to pay a lot of attention

to the clothes I was wearing.

And some people accuse me of something called queerbaiting.

But did it ever occur to you

that maybe you don't know everything about me dad

I ran it past him

Fine with it.

I get asked a lot about what I've been up to on this break.

Honestly, I learned a lot about myself.

Like I've always known, I'm someone who talks rather slowly.

But I found out it's not that I'm tremendously boring.

I took up jogging.

There's nothing interesting about that.

But because I made people

pretend to find that interesting.

But I don't run to be interesting.

I do it for the feeling.

It gives me that runner's high. It's just amazing.

Watermelon sugar high, runner's high.

And if that doesn't do it for you, I also love ecstasy.

But you know what?

As a British man who spent a lot of his life in the public eye,

I can assure you there's something nice

about being boring.

It's better than the alternative.

During my break, I found a new home

in a small old Italian village.

Has 11 full time residents, which is really fun.

It's pretty cool to be able to say you've had sex

with 100% of the people in your town

But I'm very, very happy to be back at work now.

I have a new album out

It's called Kiss All the Time disco occasionally,

and some people have asked me where I got that title from.

And I'll let you guys be the first to know.

I did a prompt on ChatGPT that said,

give me the most Italian phrase to ever exist,

and it came back with it's ah me

Mario kiss all the time, and disco occasionally.

And I loved it because what's better

than kissing all the time, which I don't actually do.

I don't want to kiss all the time.

I mean,

sometimes kissing can be great, you know,

if you're really good at it and you're a good person.

Or if you have a tight little bum,

then. Hey, what are you doing up here?

Well, you said tight little bum.

So where's my kiss?

Come on Ben

Everyone knows is nothing little about that thing.

Your hauling a damn wagon back there.

Facts,

whatever.

Come in.

Now that's queerbaiting.

We have a great show for you tonight.

I|m here, so stick around. We|ll be right back

ORDER IN THE COURT.

THIS IS NEW JERSEY VERSUS

DONOVAN.

IS THE PROSECUTION READY TO

PRESENT ITS CASE?

>> IT IS, YOUR HONOR.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND LET ME JUST SAY, IT'S MY

HONOR TO BE HERE.

>> NO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO.

NONE OF THAT.

DON'T BE CUTE.

THIS IS A COURTROOM.

NOW OVER TO THE DEFENDANT.

MR. DONOVAN, SINCE YOU DID NOT

HAVE AN ATTORNEY, THE COURT HAS

APPOINTED YOU A PUBLIC DEFENDER.

>> THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

>> BUT BEFORE HE GETS HERE, I

SHOULD PROBABLY WARN YOU.

HE'S SEBASTIAN MANISCALCO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THE WORLD-FAMOUS COMEDIAN?

>> YES, BUT I PROMISE HE'S

NOTHING LIKE WHAT YOU'VE SEEN ON

TV.

BAILIFF, PLEASE LET HIM IN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> YOU'RE NOT GONNA TO BELIEVE

THIS.

I'M A LAWYER NOW.

I WENT TO NIGHT SCHOOL, AND I

BASHED THE BEST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I CANCELED A GIG TO BE HERE, AND

MY AGENT WAS LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU

DO THAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HA HA HA!

SEBASTIAN, YOU ARE A CHARACTER.

NOW ON TO THE MUCH LESS

DELIGHTFUL PROSECUTOR.

>> ALL RIGHT.

I'M A LITTLE THROWN.

DIDN'T EXPECT THE PUBLIC

DEFENDER TO BE SEBASTIAN

MANISCALCO.

BUT YOUR HONOR, THE CASE IS

SIMPLE.

>> OH, MY GOD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> FEBRUARY 19th, MR. DONOVAN

WALKED INTO A DEPARTMENT

STORE --

>> ALLEGEDLY.

>> AND WALKED OUT CARRYING

$5,000 WORTH OF STOLEN

MERCHANDISE.

>> WHO KNOWS IF THAT'S TRUE.

>> INCLUDING A DESIGNER SUIT,

SHOES, AND A BELT.

>> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING

ABOUT A BELT, OKAY?

WHEN I WAS A KID, THE BELT

WASN'T TO KEEP THE PANTS UP.

IT WAS TO KEEP THE VOLUME DOWN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY?

I NEVER SAW MY DAD PUT THE BELT

ON.

I ONLY SAW HIM TAKE IT OFF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IN MY DAY, I DON'T KNOW IF YOUR

DAD DID THIS, I DON'T KNOW IF

YOUR DAD DID THIS, BUT MY DAD,

HE USED TO POP IT TWICE.

HE USED TO GO POP, POP!

AND THEN IT WAS BELT TO ASS!

>> YOUR HONOR, NONE OF THAT WAS

RELEVANT.

I KNOW THE JURY COULDN'T

POSSIBLY FOLLOW WHAT HE WAS

SAYING.

>> VERY WELL.

WOULD THE COURT STENOGRAPHER

READ IT BACK, PLEASE?

>> I NEVER SAW MY DAD PUT THE

BELT ON I ONLY SAW HIM TAKE IT

OFF AND MY DAD I DON'T KNOW IF

YOUR DAD DID THIS BUT MY DAD I

DON'T KNOW IF YOUR DAD DID THIS

BUT MY DAD I DON'T KNOW IF YOUR

DAD DID THIS BUT MY DAD HE WOULD

SNAP IT TWICE POP POP AND THEN

BELT TO ASS.

>> IS THE BABY HAPPY NOW?

>> WHAT?

>> YOUR HONOR, WOULD THE DEFENSE

ATTORNEY MIND NOT MOVING AROUND

SO MUCH?

I'M HAVING TROUBLE DRAWING HIM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HEY, PICASSO, DO ME A FAVOR.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO PAINT ME, YOU

GOTTA TELL ME, MAMA, SO I CAN

GIVE YOU A POSE.

I WANT YOU TO PAINT ME LIKE

THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OR WORST-CASE SCENARIO, GET ME

LIKE THAT.

>> YOUR HONOR, HE'S NOT EVEN

TRYING TO ARGUE THE CASE.

>> OH, YOU WANT ME TO ARGUE THE

CASE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, I DIDN'T THAT'S WHAT YOU

WANTED.

I'LL TALK ABOUT THE CASE, YOUR

HONOR.

LISTEN TO ME.

FOR MY CLIENT TO GET OUT OF THAT

STORE, HE WOULD HAVE HAD TO JUKE

OUT A SECURITY GUARD.

BANG, THEY GOT THE LASERS

EVERYWHERE, SO MY CLIENT WOULD

HAVE HAD TO TOM CRUISE THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY?

AND THEN THEY GOT THE SENSORS.

YOU KNOW ABOUT THE SENSORS, YOUR

HONOR?

THEY'RE ABOUT THIS TALL, THE

SENSORS.

THEY TELL YOU YOU GOT SOMETHING

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE.

MY CLIENT WOULD HAVE HAD TO GRAB

THE SHOES AND THE BELT AND THE

JACKET AND HOLD IT ABOVE HIS

HEAD AND GO LIKE THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO EITHER MY CLIENT IS NOT

GUILTY, OR HE BELONGS IN THE

OLYMPICS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE DEFENSE RESTS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> I THINK I'VE HEARD ENOUGH TO

MAKE A DECISION.

>> THIS IS CRAZY.

YOU'RE ALL JUST CAPTIVATED BY

THE WAY SEBASTIAN MANISCALCO IS

TALKING.

WHAT IF I TALKED LIKE THAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOUR HONOR.

THIS GUY TOOK THE CROSS AND HE

WALKED RIGHT OUT OF THE STORE.

WE'VE GOT THE SECURITY FOOTAGE.

AFTER WATCHING!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I ASK, WHY

WOULD HE DO THAT?

[ CHEERS ]

>> ALL RIGHT!

THAT'S IT!

I FIND YOU IN CONTEMPT OF COURT!

>> OH, OH, OH --

>> YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

>> MR. MANISCALCO.

I FINISHED THAT PAINTING YOU

WANTED.

>> OH, LET ME TAKE A LOOK AT IT,

HONEY.

OH, MY GOD.

HONEY, PUT THAT IN THE LOUVRE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

What do we got?

Lady collapse her 80th birthday party.

Too late breathing.

Blood pressure's through the roof.

For people who love the pit. No effusion. Good lungs.

Likely stroke but can't stand.

It's phony liberal science

talks going crazy or see to thrombectomy.

Not until we have a definitive diagnosis

from producer Robert F Kennedy Jr.

And the team who want to make America healthy again.

What she needs is a steak.

She needs protein.

People give me beef tallow and six raw eggs, stat!

It's MAHA hospital

from producer Jillian Michaels and the Facebook group

Beach Moms Against Vaccine Tyranny.

Its testosterone is crashing.

I need 60 cc's of bull semen

now comes a show set in the high stakes

medical crucible of Orange County, California.

What's the situation?

Car accident, femur fracture and trauma.

Two ribs two and five. Oh, my. Right, sir.

Are you up to date on your vaccine? Just the closer.

Okay. Treatment does.

Okay. Maybe, methylene blue and a full moon might work.

Wait. Powder, anal probiotic and a sound bath.

Not quite. Tanner.

Triple dose of alpha brain and a cold plunge in blue jeans.

Bingo. Get on. I know he's in shock. He's in shock.

I need all hands. Tanner. Power up. Yep. Got it.

Clear.

What the hell?

Your skin's gonna look really nice.

I hope next time you question

my diagnosis, you'll do it in private. Stay in your lane.

I'm the doctor here. Excuse me. I'm a certified energy healer.

My Instagram account.

The wellness check has over 3000 followers.

So don't you dare try to tell me how to do my job.

I need some air. I'm going outside to sun, meditate.

And in my hospital. Emotions run high. You could be anywhere.

Why are you in the hospital? You wanna know why I'm here?

Fine.

My parents died from the Covid vaccine.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Yeah.

Found out they got it, and I shot them.

Going to lunch? Five stars. Raise the liver cake.

Measles ain't going to cure itself. Let's go. Come on.

How's she doing? She's on life support.

She was fairly healthy before the accident.

The only thing is, she's a vegan.

Well, nothing we could do.

Oh, are you insane? What the hell are you doing?

You crazy?

Not in my hospital.

If your favorite character from the pit

was the guy who punched the nurse in the face.

You'll love my hospital. Clear the area.

Boss man is bringing one in himself.

Coming through with a special appearance by RFK junior.

Coming through. Come on, help me out here.

Is that a bear?

I hit him with my car on the way over here.

Prep him for surgery for jerky.

He's been dead for days, but the meat still good.

Prep him. Let's move.

I'm proud of each and every one of you.

You've been told over and over. You're crazy.

What you're doing is dangerous and irresponsible.

But you did it anyway.

She needs some more raw milk now.

Maybe it's the brain worm talking, but I love this team.

Now drop and give me 50.

Go back to the sky. Ma. Hospital.

Coming soon to the Daily Wire.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

>>> GUYS, DO YOU EVER JUST WANT

TO GET UP, STAND UP, GET OUT OF

THE HOUSE?

>> ENOUGH OF THIS REGULAR,

EVERYDAY LIFE, AM I RIGHT?

>> TIME TO SET SAIL UPON THE

WATER WITH A CRUISE.

>> SPARKLE OF THE SEA.

LET'S GO!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HELLO, I'M ALEXA.

>> AND I'M GUUS.

>> WE'RE HERE TO GIVE YOU A TOUR

OF OUR BIG, BEAUTIFUL FLOATING

POWER MACHINE.

>> WITH SO MUCH GREAT STUFF, A

GRAND CASINO, A GORGEOUS BAR,

AND A SEAFOOD BUFFET YOU CAN

SMELL FROM 50 METERS AWAY.

>> SO MANY GREAT SMELLS.

>> BUT WHAT SPARKLE OF THE SEA

IS MOST KNOWN FOR IS OUR

WORLD-CLASS ENTERTAINMENT.

>> AM I RIGHT?

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> LET'S GO!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ HOT DOG HOT DOG ♪

♪ HOT DOG YO ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> I FEEL IN DANGER OF ROCKING

TOO MUCH.

I NEED TO SLOW THIS PARTY TRAIN

DOWN BEFORE I GO CRAZY.

>> HEY, NO PROBLEM.

IF YOU WANT TO GET SUPER SEXUAL

DOWNTOWN, THEN GET READY FOR

SUPERSTAR SEXY MUELLER.

♪ OH YEAH NATURLICH ♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> WOW.

SO SEXUAL.

I WANT TO PUT HIM IN MY POCKET

AND CARRYING HIM AROUND TOWN.

>> HA HA HA, HE'S MUCH TOO BIG

FOR THAT.

BUT SPARKLE OF THE SEA IS MORE

THAN MUSIC.

WE ALSO HAVE VARIETY ACTS.

>> DO YOU LIKE MAGIC, WHERE

SOMETHING SEEMS ONE WAY, BUT IN

REALITY IT IS ANOTHER?

>> THEN YOU'LL LOVE FELIX THE

FLAWLESS MUSICIAN.

ONE HOUR, ONE TRICK, CONSTANT

FLOURISHES.

LET'S GO!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WOW.

I LOVE AN EDGY MAGICIAN.

HE TAKES YOU RIGHT TO THE BRINK.

HEY, GUYS.

HERE'S A QUESTION I'D LOVE THE

ANSWER TO.

ARE YOU READY TO LAUGH?

>> NO, I NEED A SECOND.

OKAY, I'M READY!

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND YOU'LL LAUGH MUCH TOO MUCH

AT COMEDIAN JEAN K. JEAN, LET'S

GO!

>> YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, LET

ME ASK Y'ALL A QUESTION.

Y'ALL REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MAMA

USED TO COOK YOU A CASSOULET?

WITH THE DUCK CONFIT?

MAN.

BROTHERS BE EATING SOME

CASSOULETS, BOY.

I COULD EAT ABOUT TREY ALL BY

MYSELF.

BUT THEY AIN'T THE SAME DEED.

MY WOMAN COOKED AM' CASSOULET

WITH SOMETHING THEY CALL

IMPOSSIBLE MEAT.

MAN, I ABOUT TOOK MY ASS ALL THE

WAY TO BRUSSELS.

I TURNED AROUND AND I SAID,

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S

IMPOSSIBLE MEAT, 'CAUSE

IMPOSSIBLE TO EAT IT.

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HA HA HA!

>> WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, AM I

RIGHT?

>> JA.

IF YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT SMILE

UPON YOUR FACE, JOIN US IN THE

GRAND BALLROOM FOR A FRIDAY

NIGHT ROCK PARTY MIGHT JUST BLOW

YOUR ASS OFF.

>> THEY MAY NOT SPEAK ENGLISH,

BUT THEY SING IT PHONETICALLY.

IT'S CITY VOGUE MACHINE, LET'S

GO!

♪♪

♪♪

♪ LADEMELON SUGY ♪

♪ LADEMELON SUGY ♪

♪ LADEMELON SUGY ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> TOTALLY NAILED IT.

WASN'T THAT AMAZING, GUUS?

>> HONESTLY, I DID NOT CARE TOO

MUCH FOR THAT ONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> BUT WE KNOW YOU LOVE ALL THE

ENTERTAINMENT, BIG AND SPECIAL

EXTRAVAGANZAS ON SPARKLE OF THE

SEA GRAND COSMOPOLITAN CRUISE.

>> A CRUISE IS JUST LIKE BEING

IN A HOTEL, BUT YOU CAN DRUM.

SO COME ON, DRUM WITH US.

>> AND LEAVE THE ENTERTAINMENT

TO WHO?

TO US!

HA HA HA!

>> HA HA HA!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

All right, guys, thanks for coming in early.

I just wanted to get the team together

before the store opens to discuss some changes

to the Best Buy rewards program.

Points. Points, baby.

Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.

Thank you Rebecca.

Anyway, it's pretty simple.

Starting today, customers who sign up

will be getting double points on all appliances.

Does anyone have any questions?

Yes, I have a question.

Am I in trouble?

No. We're, just here to talk about the rewards program, Mr.

Pooty.

Okay.

Because I had heard that there were some rumors

being spread about me.

Like moving sexually toward some of the men in the store.

I mean, is that why you gathered us like to arrest me

for those rumors?

No. It's our standard Tuesday meeting, Mr.

Pooty. No one's getting arrested.

Okay.

That's good.

Because what they had said was that

I had manipulated the nipples of some of the men. The company.

Like.

If that true.

Like, could that be correct?

I am not aware of that.

Anyway, this change applies to anything

in the appliance section, including air fryers. Guys.

Okay. Does that make sense? Totally.

Yep, yep. Okay, Mr. Pooty, you clear on the points system?

No, not at all.

But what I can say is whatever

I had supposedly did with certain men

was probably something that I had always wanted to do.

And like something that they had liked,

manipulating me, nipples and so forth.

And I'm gonna stand ten toes on that.

Okay.

You know, I'm not totally trying to dig

in to what you're talking about, Mr.

Pooty, but there haven't been any complaints,

and no one is in trouble.

Okay, because if someone were to be arrested,

I would nominate Christopher.

Hey, what did I do?

Well, this man here has a very strong bisexual magnetism.

And every day, he has tried to allure me

effectively against my will

into jeopardizing my job and my reputation.

Whoa! I've never tried to seduce Mr. Pooty.

A man this fine

has no business selling stereophonic sound system.

It's like he was sent by Lucifer himself

to awaken a demon within me.

You want to write that down for the record? No.

Take that off the record. There is no record.

Well, put this on the record.

The other day, a customer came into the PC and computer area,

and they were looking for whaT else, dongles

Christopher said it would be my pleasure

to take you through my the area and show you the dongles.

Man who can't be fed and stuff like that around me.

I had to go on and walk

damn near my whole shift, cool off

Okay.

I'm pretty good at my job.

I don't know how that's a bad thing.

Okay, Mr.

Pooty, it sounds like you're just attracted

to Christopher and upset that it's not reciprocated.

Not precipitated?

No. Christopher. Ben got up in these drawers

Yeah, he manipulated my nipples on my birthday.

Right. And left your fate.

My current wife was, seriously displeased.

I'm sorry. Current wife? Yes, that is correct.

My previous wife passed away in a fountain

that was, like, two inches deep.

I was like, what are you doing down there?

Beth Pooty

Stand up.

It was.

It was so sad, y'all.

Anyways, what was the question,

Mr. Pooty?

If you can't stop being disruptive,

I'll have to give you a ride up.

Hey, don't you dare talk to Mr. Pooty that way.

Oh my God!

He works hard.

That's right, I still do.

Yeah, I've been attracted to Pooty since the day I met him.

I know that's right,

but I immediately told

HR about it, and they said they thought

it'd be really cute and I should go for it.

So, yes,

I have manipulated this man's nipples

on multiple occasions, and. There it is.

I have a question for you. It's.

Edwin James Pooty

who will be so kind as to accompany

me on a date at the Cheese Cake factory.

I have a counterproposal

instead of the Cheesecake Factory tonight.

How about the headphone area? Right now

Whatever Pooty wants Pooty gets

I heard, that

Okay. Well,

I guess those guys are going to go hook up in the store.

So. Thanks, everybody.

Meeting's over. And, Rebecca, take your meds, girl.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HARRY

3 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪ I DON'T THINK

WE SHOULD BE HERE

I SEE NO WATER OR FRIENDS ♪

♪ BUT THE MUSIC

KEEPS HITTING ME

LIKE A TEN OUT OF TEN ♪

♪ SO I DON'T THINK

GOT SOMETHING TO SAY

NO I DON'T THINK

GOT SOMETHING TO SAY ♪

♪ CONVERSATION IS

HEARING YOU

GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST ♪

♪ YOU CAN COME OVER HERE

TO TELL ME AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪

♪ WHAT YOU THINK

I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY

NO I DON'T THINK ♪

♪ MOVE IT SIDE TO SIDE

WITH YOUR HANDS UP HIGH ♪

♪ KEEP YOUR

CUSTOMER SATISFIED

AND LIVE YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE

THEY SAID ♪

♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪

♪ WE WANNA DANCE WITH

ALL OUR FRIENDS

DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪

♪ IT'S FEELING

LIKE THE MUSIC

HAS BEEN HEAVEN SENT ♪

♪ AND THAT THERE'S

NO DIFFERENCE IN BETWEEN

THE TEARS AND THE SWEAT UH ♪

♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪

♪ THEY SAID DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE

NO MORE ♪

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ MOVE IT SIDE TO SIDE

WITH YOUR HANDS UP HIGH ♪

♪ KEEP YOUR CUSTOMER

SATISFIED

AND LIVE YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE

THEY SAID ♪

♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪

♪ WE WANNA DANCE WITH

ALL OUR FRIENDS

DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪

♪ IT'S FEELING

LIKE THE MUSIC

HAS BEEN HEAVEN SENT ♪

♪ AND THAT THERE'S

NO DIFFERENCE IN BETWEEN

THE TEARS AND THE SWEAT UH ♪

♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪

♪ THEY SAID DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE

NO MORE ♪

♪ GET YOUR FEET WET

TEACH THEM ALL TO RESPECT

THEIR MOTHER ♪

♪ YOU GOTTA GET

YOUR FEET WET

RESPECT

RESPECT YOUR MOTHER ♪

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE

THEY SAID ♪

♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪

♪ WE WANNA DANCE WITH

ALL OUR FRIENDS

DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪

♪ IT'S FEELING

LIKE THE MUSIC

HAS BEEN HEAVEN SENT ♪

♪ AND THAT THERE'S

NO DIFFERENCE IN BETWEEN

THE TEARS AND THE SWEAT UH ♪

♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE

THEY SAID ♪

♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪

♪ YOU GOTTA GET

YOUR FEET WET

RESPECT

RESPECT YOUR MOTHER ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin

Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.

Today marks the start of the third week of the war in Iran,

which is weird because someone told me

that we already won it on the first day.

Usually when a team wins, they don't

then stay on the field for three more weeks.

It kind of seems like the main thing we've done

so far is get rid of an 86 year old Ayatollah Khomeini

and replace him with a 56 year old Ayatollah Khomeini.

You know, a younger, crazier bad guy hell bent on revenge.

We did it.

Also, is it weird that I'm kind of jealous

that Iran now has a leader under 80 years old?

Got to remember how much better our country was doing

when we had a young Muslim leader.

I don't know if he caught the Muslim part.

President Trump said in an interview

that he believes Iran's Ayatollah

Mujtaba Khamenei is damaged, but probably alive in some form,

which is also a pretty great description of Trump.

Khamenei was chosen by Iran's 88 member Assembly of Experts.

Make that 62 members.

President Trump posted a message on truth.

Social reading Iran will have a great future.

Make Iran great again or MAGA as in this mega crazy.

I wanted to do that one.

The FBI has reportedly warned police departments in California

that Iran could retaliate by launching drones

at high profile targets on the West Coast.

The Oscars tomorrow on ABC.

Health Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr,

seen here back from his mission to the sun.

Said he's recovering from rotator

cuff surgery on his shoulder.

Well, well, well, look who needs me now, said Tylenol.

A school board in new Jersey is considering a proposal

to rename an elementary school after President Trump

named Trump Elementary, home of the fighting allegations.

Come on.

You like this a statue.

A statue has appeared on the National Mall

that depicts President Trump and Jeffrey Epstein

in the famous pose from Titanic. Because, as they said

on the Titanic, women and children first.

North Korean leader Kim

Jong un took his teenage daughter to a munitions factory

where they test fired pistols together.

Girl dad.

A special election was held in Georgia to replace Marjorie

Taylor Greene.

The election was won by the candidate

most similar to Greene, a Confederate He-Man doll.

Industry experts are saying that the best actor of tomorrow

night's Oscars will go to either

Michael B Jordan, an actor who embody two separate roles

exploring themes of race and ancestral trauma,

or ping pong guy.

While many are excited for the Oscars tomorrow,

some people think liberal politics

are influencing the awards too much.

Here, with his take,

is conservative commentator Tucker Carlson.

Thank you for calling.

Let's all go to the movies,

Really? Yes.

Why don't we grab some popcorn

and watch American culture collapse?

What are we doing? What's going on?

All right.

All right. Coming in hot.

Well, how do you feel about this year's nominees?

Where to even begin?

Oh, I know. Why don't we talk about sinners?

That's right. Sinners? Because, of course, leftist woke.

America's favorite movie this year is about sinning.

Wait, wait.

Why does that not surprise me? No. Sorry, kids.

We don't go to church anymore. We go to sinners.

That's the rule. That's the goal. Now.

What are we doing?

What's going on?

Oh, okay.

All right, so you didn't. You didn't like sinners.

You didn't like sinners? What about Hamnet O Hamnet?

Because we're not allowed to say hamlet anymore.

No, no. He took the L and gave it to the Gbtq.

Oh, so it's Hamnet now. What are you doing?

What's going on?

Hamnet, a movie about a boy

who shows interest in theater, dies.

Oh, I actually really liked that part.

That's the part you liked. Excuse me.

Hey. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Hey! Excuse me.

No one is interrupting is me.

Excuse me. Just moving on to Begonia,

Really?

I guess heterosexual

women aren't allowed to have hair anymore.

They have to shave their heads instead of their armpits.

And I'm supposed to be attracted to that?

No. Oh. Oh, boys, don't look at my breasts.

Look at my scalp. That's the rule.

That's the goal now.

What do we keep? You keep talking about a goal.

What goal?

Colin, whatever

happened to the great American films like Gone with the wind

or the first 20 minutes of Forrest Gump?

The first 20.

You mean the part where they're bullying him?

I love that part.

I mean.

Man, dude, I gotta I gotta tell you, that laugh is just awful.

That's not my laugh.

That's the soul of an 18th century mental patient

trying to escape from this locket.

Why do you have that?

And finally, one battle after another.

What is this?

What's going on?

I'm genuinely asking.

I did not see that movie.

Tucker Carlson, everything on this film.

Hey. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Ma'am, out of bio of the Miami Heat.

Scored 83 points in a game against the Wizards.

Unfortunately, it was the night the Wizards started.

Five Make-A-Wish kids.

These jokes are not real, guys.

Taco Bell has announced new additions to their.

Duties.

Do you like work for Taco Bell, or are you just

just a huge fan?

Everyone else is like Harry styles.

You're like Taco Bell.

Taco Bell's announced new additions to their menu,

including Diablo dusted chicken nuggets and Mountain Dew Baja

Midnight Pie. In keeping with their new slogan,

Taco Bell Death to America.

That one might be real.

Florida

police have arrested a woman on charges that she left her

12 year old daughter at universal CityWalk

while she went to a bar.

So apparently it's a crime to find that kid a father.

YouTube.

That's the goal. What's the goal?

YouTube has launched a new tool that will allow reporters

to flag videos that use AI to recreate their likeness.

Like these computer generated reporters,

I think I would know if they were using A.I..

My breasts look incredible.

A new study suggests

that the difference in size between a person's index

and ring fingers can reveal their sexual orientation.

The study says if your index finger is over

an inch inside of a fella, he might be gay.

I didn't know that.

It's good to know. It's a good that's a good way to know.

Apple announced that it's adding eight new emojis,

including a treasure chest, a trombone

and me in middle school, breaking my father's heart.

Netflix announced plans for a sequel to the hit movie

K-pop Demon Hunters, and they better have new songs,

because if I hear a kid sing Golden one more time,

I'm going to blow my brains up, up, up.

Same Taco Bell person liked it.

The winners of the annual why of carrying contests

in England was a couple from Finland.

Well, once again, the winner of the Husband

carrying contest was Scarlett.

We both put food on the table.

There's different kinds of food.

Apple is releasing eight new emojis

this spring, as I mentioned.

Here to comment are,

according to the latest data, the number one most used

and number one least used emojis.

Red heart and aerial tramway.

All of your red heart in the house.

Y'all know me. Y'all know me. Aerial tramway.

Moving your tram line.

Yeah. Wow. Thanks for both being here.

So, what do you think about the new emojis?

Dude,

all I know is they're all going to

be more popular than this loser, you know?

Number one, because I'm useful, people use me for everything.

I miss you, heart. Here's a pic of my dog heart.

Here's a pic of my bare ass heart. Hard, hard hard heart.

Aerial tramway is only used

when talking about that specific cable based transportation.

Tap tap tap tap tap. No, it's the cap. Cap.

No it's not.

When would someone use you? Okay.

Hey, I'm going to take the aerial tramway.

Hey, I'm on the aerial tramway.

Okay.

What other uses that aren't about physically riding it?

Yo, man, girl got me acting like an aerial tramway.

That makes no sense. It makes all the sense.

Makes no sense. Makes no sense.

Colin. You should see this guy's crew. They're such dorks.

Oh, wait.

I didn't realize that emojis have friends. Yes, men.

And my crew is fire.

I roll with, like, crying tears face. He's cool as hell.

Thumbs up. That's my OG original gangster.

The eyes like this. Boom!

That's my dog. Okay. And, 100 with two lines under it.

That's what they want. No. My crew.

All bangers. I'm rolling with my boy. Orange square.

Orange square.

Suck not to shut up, cause we got division sign.

It's dog water. He sucks. Norco.

It's snark and liquid. Me

and my boy, the goat building with the horn on it.

Building with a horn on it.

With the horn on it. What even is that?

What is what? What even is that?

Is that like a, a horn store or a horn school?

That's just as bad. It makes no sense.

You don't make no sense.

Most of most of aerial tramway, aerial tramway boast.

But dude, it sucks, dude. Well,

most of it.

Most of his. Most of his crew is RBF.

Oh, sorry. What's RBF?

It's right before the flags.

You know.

You know how the flags are at the end, right?

This dude and all his loser friends.

What?

Aerial tramway hybrid framework.

They're right there, right before the flags, dude.

Everybody always friends.

And you know how the.

Because he's back there with all the flags.

That's why he can't get a finesse girl like I can.

Oh, wow. Red heart, you got a girlfriend? Yeah.

It's kind of new.

I don't want to jinx it, but,

I kind of been chilling with the lady dancer

in the red dress with her arms like this.

Ugly.

Ugly.

Ugly. My girl. Yo, shout out to my girl.

The word on with two arrows above it.

The word hole with two arrows above it. That is so sad.

That is so sad.

Under what circumstances would anyone ever use that emoji?

Let me think.

If something to both the left and the right is on.

All right.

I can't even be here anymore. I can't be with this guy.

Thanks for having me. I got to go home.

Leaving? Where are we?

How are you getting home?

Say it.

Say it.

I'm taking the aerial tramway Grand for an aerial tramway

for Weekend update. I'm Colin Jost

I'm Michael Che. Goodnight. Aerial tramway.

You sure you'll be okay carrying these on your motorcycle?

Who, me? Yeah. I got this under control, man.

I've never done it before, but

I'll only be driving on the highway.

So take care, man.

Steve, you forgot the part where he pays again.

I know you're the high school quarterback,

but this job needs to be a priority for you, okay?

This job is a priority for me.

He goes football school, my boys weed, my boys,

my sneakers, a few other things that I'm forgetting.

Then this job. Well, look alive. Another one's pulling up.

Okay. He's here. Steve's working.

Okay.

We're just going to ask him straight up.

Okay, well, say, Steve, you want to go dance

and he'll say yes. A resounding yes, resounding yes.

We got this. Okay. We're ready, we're ready.

We got this right. Okay.

Hi, there.

That'll be 1897.

Order 23.

Right.

Oh, wait.

I know you guys.

We go to high school together.

That broke the mold when he made you look fabulous.

Steve. Prof. Tickets for the lady may be on the front.

Steve. Did you not even give those people their burgers?

What is going on?

Why are people speeding around the building?

It's just these two girls from my high school.

Do you know them?

No, but I know they're the only

two members of the school's Quidditch team.

That worked perfectly for you.

Oh, my gosh.

Shining like I think you have them

wrapped around our finger like a snake.

How could you say no?

I mean, he's getting a bargain.

He's a ten one, two five deal of a lifetime.

Okay, we set the bait. Now, what's real big?

Hey. Hey, guys.

Again. You guys want your burger?

Well, Steve, the burgers are good,

but what about the boy?

They say I would like to crunch you up like a bag of chips.

Okay. Sounds like a plan.

How about I use your ass as a table? Put my elbows on it.

Not a matter in sight. Did I say ass?

I meant to say ass. Drive, drive drive.

Course for four point.

Steve, what is going on there?

Racing around here like a NASCAR track? It's not my fault.

Am I on Impractical Jokers right now?

Am I being practically joked upon

because I cannot let that happen again?

What are you facing?

Oh my God. What's your next move?

I think next time we, we just say like, hey, dance like.

Simple as that. Okay. That's perfect. Okay.

Hello, Steve.

So does your penis. No.

Go go go go go go go for it.

Steve, those girls are doing frickin donuts out there,

Mr. Burger. Steve. Hey, did you guys want your burger?

Steve, I'll tell you what. I want to ride you to death.

Of course

I'm a virgin.

But I have a book that tells me exactly how it works.

And, Steve, if we went all the way

and if it came down to it,

I want you to know I wouldn't keep it.

What's going on with you guys?

Look,

we got nervous, but we came here to ask you something.

Well, you want to dance with us?

I would love to go to the dance with both of you.

But, guys, it's the deal of a lifetime.

I'm a ten,

and you guys are both sexes in two sixes add up to, like, 11

sixes. Oh, my God, he goes to sixes.

He thinks we're beautiful.

Well, I'll see you two at the dance.

Dancing the night away with you, Steve. Sounds like a plan.

Excuse me.

What a crappy motorcycle.

Can you two sevens take me to the hospital

service? To.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> ONCE AGAIN, HARRY STYLES!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪ TELL ME YOUR FEARS

I'VE TURNED BACK

THE CLOCKS

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR ♪

♪ IF WE STAY THE COURSE

WE COULD GET IT RIGHT

BUT I'M NOT DEVOID

OF AN APPETITE ♪

♪ AND ALL OF IT SEEMS TO BE

BRINGING US CLOSER ♪

♪ JUST FOR TONIGHT

LET'S GO HANGOVER CHASING

AND I'LL TALK YOUR EAR OFF

ABOUT WHY IT'S SAFE ♪

♪ AS I FUMBLE MY WORDS

AND FALL FLAT ON MY FACE

THROUGH THE TRUTH ♪

♪ JUST SAY THE WORD AND

WE'LL TAKE UP THE TEST ♪

♪ WHERE WE FLIRT

WITH THE BAD ONES

AND SKIP ALL THE REST ♪

♪ BUT WE SEE OUT THE NIGHT

WITH YOUR HEAD ON MY CHEST

ME AND YOU

THERE'S ONLY ME AND YOU ♪

♪ NOW I SEE YOUR TEARS

ON ACCOUNT OF MY WANTS

AND NOW IT APPEARS ♪

♪ THAT I'M FEELING

GUILTY AND WORRIED DEAR

THAT YOU THINK THAT

I MIGHT NOT WANT YOU HERE ♪

♪ DOES ALL OF THIS SEEM

TO BE BRINGING US CLOSER ♪

♪ OR AM I BACK-SEATING

YOUR LIFE

JUDGING WHILE YOU DRIVE ♪

♪ JUST FOR TONIGHT

LET'S GO HANGOVER CHASING

AND I'LL TALK YOUR EAR OFF

ABOUT WHY IT'S SAFE ♪

♪ AS I FUMBLE MY WORDS

AND FALL FLAT ON MY FACE

THROUGH THE TRUTH ♪

♪ JUST SAY THE WORD AND

WE'LL TAKE UP THE TEST ♪

♪ WHERE WE FLIRT

WITH THE BAD ONES

AND SKIP ALL THE REST ♪

♪ BUT WE SEE OUT THE NIGHT

WITH YOUR HEAD ON MY CHEST

ME AND YOU

THERE'S ONLY ME AND YOU ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ THERE'S ONLY ME AND YOU ♪

♪♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA

LA-LA-LA-LA-LA

LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA

LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA

LA ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪ WE|RE ALL UP IN THE CLUB THIS IS VIP

♪ ME AND MY BOYS YA BUT I GOT A

GIRL NEXT TO ME ♪

♪ SHE'S A DANCER I'M A DANCER

THAT MEANS SHE'S A FREAK ♪

♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE HER MOVES

GET READY MY KNEES GETTING

WEAK ♪

♪ SHE PUTS ME IN THE CHAIR WAIT

HERE IT'S ABOUT TO GET HOT ♪

♪ YEAH SHE'S A DANCER ♪

♪ BUT NOT THE KIND YOU THOUGHT ♪

GIRLS?

♪♪

♪♪

♪ YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR

HIPS AND THEN YOU GO LIKE THIS ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

TURNED ON YET, FELLAS?

♪ GOING BACK TO HER PLACE THINGS

ARE GETTING SPICY ♪

♪ SHE SAID I'LL TREAT YOU RIGHT

I THINK SHE MIGHT BE WIFEY ♪

♪ SHE HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN

WANTS TO MAKE A MEAL FOR ME ♪

♪ CAN'T WAIT TO TASTE HER

COOKING ♪

♪ I NEVER SAID WHAT KIND OF FOOD

IT WOULD BE ♪

GIRLS?

♪♪

♪♪

♪ WE'RE HAVING STEW AND CREAM OF

FISH ♪

>> EAT UP, FELLA.

>> I LIKE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO

CHEW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU'RE SO SHINY, GIRL.

>> SORRY, I'M NOT GREAT WITH MY

WORDS.

BUT I'M EXTREMELY GOOD WITH MY

HANDS.

>> OH, REALLY?

>> WATCH THIS.

♪ THESE GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT THAN

I THOUGHT THEY'D BE ♪

♪ I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO MATCH

THEIR FREAK ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

BOYS?

♪♪

♪♪

♪ YOU USE YOUR LEGS THE BEST YOU

CAN ♪

♪ IF YOU GO LIKE THIS AND YOU GO

LIKE THAT ♪

♪ THEN YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON

YOUR HIPS AND YOU GO AFTER

THAT ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY.

Hello there.

I'm Harry styles.

Would you like to see my belly button?

Nah, you don't deserve it.

For years, I've been turning heads

with my bald, confident style, and I've been approached

by countless women who say my husband's luck is so boring.

I wish you dress more like you. Well, now he can.

I've partnered with target to recreate

some of my extraordinary looks for the ordinary man.

A price he can afford. Harry for him by Harry styles.

I pulled these lots off. Now you can too.

Can I though?

I'm not convinced.

And you see me in a side by side with Harry.

The answer is definitely no.

But when you see me alone, the answer is also no.

Liar, liar. Pants on fire.

Or as we say in England. A liar for shame. Trousers a flame.

You look sexy, mate.

Now show me your tushy.

Zoom in on that thing.

Oh, Look at those biscuits.

Going for a more formal look. We've got you covered.

My wife loves Harry styles.

She never say this, but I know deep down she's sad.

I'm not him.

So I surprised her for our anniversary dinner

by wearing this, Harry for him blouse

Harry wore to the Met Ball.

When Harry wore this, my wife said that

he looked like the embodiment of elegant masculinity.

When I wore this, she said, you look like a serial killer

who's wearing the clothes of a woman he killed.

Then dump the boy because you don't come.

And if this is too formal for you,

we also offer more casual options.

It's hard to explain, but on Harry, this outfit just works.

When he wore this to an awards

show, he received glowing reviews.

And when I wore this to my 12 year old son's basketball game,

the reviews were mixed.

Some people told me I looked terrible,

while others told me to go home and change.

Never change.

Do you look gorgeous? Stop, Harry.

Looking for something more subtle?

I have to look for you.

On the rack.

I got to be honest.

This kind of look like just a little girl's dress.

But when I put it on, I said, oh,

this is just a little girl's dress.

When Harry wore this at a concert,

the girls went insane.

But when I.

When I wore this to work, my boss said,

this is not the proper attire for a Wells Fargo loan officer.

Is your boss blind?

You have the perfect legs for this Dorothy dress

and the perfect tushy charm the bum.

Okay, Harry Smith.

Put some honey on that biscuit.

I guarantee my Harry for him looks will have you saying.

I had to get all the way naked to use the urinal.

And that's a promise.

I encouraged my husband to wear Harry for him and it worked.

He wore a sparkly turtleneck with no pants to our divorce

hearing, and the judge awarded me full custody.

Thanks, Harry. For him.

At first I was.

But first I was nervous about wearing this,

especially to a funeral.

But low key.

I'm drifting right now.

You feeling hot?

Yeah.

It's a pretty vast departure from how I normally dress,

but low key. I feel confident as hell right now.

But hockey. I'm uncomfortable.

And hockey. I'm sweating.

And hockey. I'm insecure, but low key.

I look like Harry styles, but hockey. I don't.

So get my clothes today.

On you with Harry for him. Available at target.

Show your tushies

Hey, Harry. For him.

Available exclusively at target and the men's section of class.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> THANK YOU TO PAUL SIMON, THANK YOU RYAN

GOSLING, I'VE HAD AN AMAZING

WEEK.

THANK YOU TO THE CAST OF "SNL."

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY.

GOOD NIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪