Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

The Secretary of War has been

preparing all afternoon, and it looks like he's about ready.

So please welcome Secretary Hegseth

All right.

Enough. Cut the track. Cut it.

All right.

I finished my keg stand

and relax.

It was sprite

All right, listen up. Dip sticks. Okay?

Because this is actually serious. Okay?

As you may have seen from our epic Pentagon meme drops,

we're treating Iran like the breathalyzer in my car

and blowing it the hell up.

The good news is, our operation couldn't be going better

and everyone loves it. To quote my personal hero, Papa Roach

caught Iran in two pieces.

Make it a Trump resort.

The situation's complicated.

Okay, so let me put it in terms that I can understand.

We're giving. I ran a third degree. Purple nurple

All right.

And we've torpedoed their ship

so bad their navy is going to be singing undersea.

Yeah. That's right. We could do Jamaican again.

You're welcome.

Now, a lot of the press have looks on their faces like, duh.

So now I'm going to be taking your questions

and throwing them directly into a trash can.

You handsome brother. Go.

Secretary Hegseth said you said this war could.

Wait, wait. War?

Okay. Whoever called this a war?

Except maybe the president a couple times. Accidentally.

Okay.

Is this a war?

Also, why do we have to put labels on everything? Okay.

What are you, my high school girlfriend, which I had.

Considered.

But this isn't a war, okay? It's a situationship.

Right. We're just going to hook up.

We're going to see where it goes. Okay?

If it feels good, we'll keep going.

And if we get bored, we'll start hooking up with Cuba.

Okay, so does anyone have a not stupid question?

Yeah.

Can you just tell us if there are going

to be boots on the ground?

Yeah.

Your mom's next to my bed after a bang her

Right.

I just think the American people are worried

this could turn into a total quagmire.

Oh, yeah. Good. Quagmire is hilarious.

And he's no Stewie. But who is giggity?

What is happening?

Okay, I'll tell you what's happening. Okay.

We don't know.

Okay? And that's the whole point.

If we don't know what we're doing, then I ran.

Definitely doesn't know what we're doing.

We're wild.

Okay? We're unpredictable like Shia LaBeouf.

And Nawlins okay, shout out Transformers, shout out

Megan Fox back on Insta.

All right, next question.

Gaylord says what?

What? No.

Brutal.

Okay. Next.

Yeah.

This week, the president was asked

if Americans should be worried

about Iranian attacks here at home.

And the president said, I guess, should people be afraid?

Oh, probably.

And he probably you are.

Look, you guys don't understand what we're doing here, okay?

Y'all, y'all playing chess?

I'm playing Grand Theft Auto. Okay.

All right, next question.

Girl. First of all, I have a name.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Is it Jessica?

No wonder I'm single. Yes.

Last week, you said that the U.S.

defense agenda was, quote,

maximum lethality, not tepid legality,

violent affect, not politically correct.

What did you mean by that? And why did it rhyme?

Because I'm white.

Hamilton.

I'm just like my country. I'm drunk, angry and horny.

And they made me throw away my scotch.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah, like the poster.

All right, now, this is all fun news today.

Okay.

After year, singular of hard work,

DHS Secretary Kristi Noem has been reassigned under the bus.

So let's bring her out to give her a proper goodbye, Kristie.

No, thank you, thank you, thank you, Secretary Seth.

I just want to make it clear that I didn't get fired.

I self-reported,

and though I may be leaving this job,

I will not be ending my mission

as I told my plastic surgeon, the work is never done.

But I gave my all to the DHS.

And I have no regrets

because like they say, you miss 100% of the dogs.

You don't shoot.

And I'm proud of what we've accomplished.

I took this job with the goal of securing our border,

deporting thousands of illegals, and spending

$200 million on ads of me riding a horse.

And I think I really nailed it.

And by it, I mean my married coworker in a

big, beautiful flying bedroom 30,000ft over Minneapolis.

And while I look forward to what comes next.

Leaving is bittersweet.

But the time has come for me

to turn in my badge gun, lips, lashes, teeth, and forehead.

But I'm so excited about my new job

as Special Envoy to the shield of the Americas.

Something about President Trump. He created it for me.

I just saw my new office, which is at a we work

workspace outside of Denver, and it is spectacular.

So this may be goodbye, but this isn't goodbye forever.

Yeah, except that it is. Oh, okay.

And live from New York.

It's Saturday night.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST GORILLAZ.

AND YOUR HOST, RYAN GOSLING.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- RYAN

GOSLING!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU

VERY MUCH.

I'M THRILLED TO BE BACK HOSTING,

ESPECIALLY NOW.

THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME TO BE

IN NEW YORK CITY.

EARLY MARCH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS ]

RIGHT?

NO, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

IS THAT HARRY STYLES?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, MAN?

>> WELL, I'M HOSTING NEXT WEEK.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HAVEN'T SEEN IT IN A WHILE, SO I

WANTED TO WATCH, GET A FEEL FOR

IT.

>> SO PROFESSIONAL.

IT'S AWESOME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU'RE HERE.

I JUST WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE

TOLD ME.

ANYWAY.

WELCOME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAVE A NEW MOVIE COMING OUT.

IT'S CALLED "PROJECT HARRY

175 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WAIT -- NOPE.

BE A GOOD MOVIE, THOUGH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S CALLED "PROJECT HAIL MARY."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.

AND PEOPLE ARE SAYING IT'S LIKE

"E.T." MEETS "INTERSTELLAR,"

WHICH IS CRAZY, BECAUSE THOSE

ARE LIKE, WHAT, TWO OF THE BEST

FILMS OF ALL-TIME?

KIND OF LIKE SAYING IT'S LIKE,

WHAT, DOUBLE THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T SAY IT.

I JUST -- I'VE ALWAYS LOVED

MAKING FILMS ABOUT SPACE.

IT'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT THEM

GIVES ME PERSPECTIVE.

♪♪

IT REMINDS ME THAT THE EARTH IS

JUST A SPECK IN THE COSMOS.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THAT.

THE PALE BLUE DOT.

THAT'S US.

EVERYONE YOU KNOW.

EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER HEARD OF.

LIVED OUT THEIR LIVES.

EVERY KING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERY PEASANT.

EVERY -- I'M SORRY, WHY ARE WE

ON HARRY STYLES?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST

LISTENING.

>> WELL, COULD YOU LISTEN LESS

COOL?

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE YOUR COOLNESS IS BECOMING A

BIT OF AN ISSUE.

ANYWAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BACK TO THE PALE BLUE DOT.

HOME TO EVERY HERO, EVERY

VILLAIN, EVERY CREATOR AND

DESTROYER OF CIVILIZATION.

EVERY YOUNG COUPLE IN LOVE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERY -- WHAT'S GOING ON?

JUST TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY

WE'D BE IN A SPLIT SCREEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

COME ON, GUYS, LET'S GET RID OF

THE SPLIT SCREEN.

LET'S GET --

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NOT LIKE THAT.

NOT LIKE THAT.

NO, NOT LIKE THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT.

COME ON, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH

CAMERA 2?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OKAY, OKAY.

OKAY.

HI.

HI.

LOOK, WE ALL HEART HARRY, OKAY?

JUST GET THE STUPID EARTH OUT OF

HERE, GET IT OUT.

>> WAIT, RYAN, WHAT'S GOING ON?

ARE WE STILL GOING TO DO THE BIG

DANCE NUMBER?

>> WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO THE

NUMBER, HARRY STYLES IS HERE AND

EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW THAT

HARRY STYLES IS HERE.

>> HARRY STYLES IS HERE?

>> YEAH.

>> GET ME TO GOD'S COUNTRY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> DO YOU LIKE MY BODY, HARRY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, LADIES.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO THE

NUMBER.

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

I'LL DO THE SONG.

THANK YOU, I'LL DO THE SONG.

IN THE MOVIE, THERE'S THIS SONG.

IT'S A KARAOKE SANG.

SANDRA HULLER SINGS IT.

IT'S VERY POIGNANT AND THE

ANTHEM OF OUR GENERATION.

SOME HAVE SAID IT'S CALLED "SIGN

OF THE TIMES," AND OH, MY GOD,

IT'S BY HARRY STYLES!

[ APPLAUSE ]

NOW I'VE GOT TO SING IT IN FRONT

OF HIM?

I LOVE THIS FOR ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ JUST STOP YOUR CRYING IT'S A

SIGN OF THE TIMES ♪

NOBODY WANTS THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ WELCOME TO THE FINAL SHOW ♪

PROBABLY MY FINAL SHOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ HOPE YOU'RE WEARING YOUR BEST

CLOTHES ♪

I GENUINELY HATE THIS.

♪ CAN'T BRIBE THE DOOR ON THE

WAY TO THE SKY ♪

JUST LIKE, WHY WOULD HIS FACE BE

NEXT TO MINE?

♪ YOU LOOK PRETTY GOOD DOWN

HERE ♪

HE DOES LOOK REALLY GOOD,

THOUGH, MAN.

NOTE IT'S REALLY REALLY GOOD ♪

CAN WE JUST GET HIM OFF THE

SCREEN?

NO, LADIES, I DON'T WANT TO

BRING YOU INTO THIS.

HONESTLY, IT'S NOT -- YOU'RE

BETTER THAN THIS.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS TO YOU.

I'D TAKE A BULLET RIGHT NOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WHAT DO I DO?

♪ I JUST CAN'T ♪

OH, STOP.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, OH, OH.

I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T DO

THAT.

GOD.

YOU GUYS REMEMBER WHEN I DID

THAT AT THE OSCARS?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT WAS PRETTY COOL.

I JUST THOUGHT I HAD ANOTHER ONE

IN ME, I GUESS.

>> HEY, HEY.

>> YEAH?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> DON'T BE SAD, RY-RY.

>> WAIT.

WAIT.

MOST OF THE CAST?

WOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU GUYS ALL CAME TO HELP ME?

BECAUSE I'M, LIKE, YOUR FAVORITE

HOST OF ALL-TIME?

[ CHEERS ]

THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, KENAN.

>> YEAH, NO.

>> WHAT?

>> WE JUST CAME TO GET A BETTER

LOOK AT HARRY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THAT'S FAIR.

>> BUT I GUESS WHILE WE'RE

HERE --

♪ JUST STOP YOUR CRYING IT'S A

SIGN OF THE TIMES ♪

EVERYBODY!

♪ WE'VE GOT TO GET AWAY FROM

HERE ♪

♪ WE'VE GOT TO GET AWAY ♪

>> THE GORILLAZ ARE HERE!

HARRY STYLES IS HOSTING NEXT

WEEK!

STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT

BACK!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

All right, party people. Give it up for the bride and groom.

Mark and Elly Woo!

Hey, we just wanted to thank you all for coming.

Yes, we know it was a long trip

for some of y'all, but I promise.

We planned to be married for the rest of our lives.

Although that's not always the case.

Right, Claudette.

My husband died.

I did forget that. And I apologize for that.

But we genuinely love everyone in this room today.

And I love this man a little extra.

Okay. We know what that means. Yep.

All right, come on, come on.

What just happened?

With the clinking of the glasses.

It's like a wedding tradition.

Yeah.

If someone clinks their glass,

the bride and groom have to kiss. Yeah,

they have to.

Interesting.

They have to.

Well, there are a few people we want to thank today.

My mom, who went to every goodwill

in Binghamton to find the brass candlesticks on your tables.

Kiss it.

You have to.

Well, you don't have to tell me twice.

And shout out to my best man for planning the bachelor party.

Trust me, babe, nothing bad happened. Yes.

I don't make the rules

up. Lot of kisses. Let's save some for the honeymoon.

Yeah. Okay.

There you go. Okay.

Anyway, before everyone hits

the dance floor, I just wanted to say,

a quick word about someone we lost this year. Thank you.

My favorite person in the world.

My nana.

Yes. So whenever I pictured my wedding day, I.

There you go.

I always pictured my Nana here,

but unfortunately, that wasn't God's plan. So.

Okay, I think we're done with the kissing.

Whoever's doing that. We're all set. Yeah.

It's him.

The guy who's dressed like Reba McIntyre at the Grammys.

Guilty as charged.

Who let the kiss out?

Smoochy smoochy smoochy smoochy smoochy.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

Put it this way.

I'm your favorite comedian's favorite comedian.

No. That's. Jonathan.

I backed into him with my car,

and he said, in lieu of going through insurance,

I could just invite him to my wedding.

I'm thinking the bottom of the glass.

When I click the top of the glass, you kiss on the lips.

So when I, Yes.

Guess what body part I want you to kiss now.

The poozy.

The poozy.

I'm not going to kiss my wife's poozy

Wouldn't kill.

You know.

I don't know about that.

Apparently, that's actually how Claudette husband died.

My husband died of leukemia.

Well, that just chilled the room.

Now we need a kiss more than ever.

Okay.

Someone take Donovan's knife away, please.

Let's just move on.

Ellie's siblings are gonna say a quick toast.

Hi. Hello, everyone. Hi.

I'm doing the siblings.

Them.

Kiss. Stop!

We're brother and sister and. And yet the rules are the rules.

Whoa, whoa! Stop! Stop!

What are you doing?

Go, go!

Think about what you just did.

That was insane.

All right, look, Jonathan, but I'm sorry,

but we want you to leave, and I want to watch some kisses.

But before I go,

I have one final question.

This is the groom's class.

If I cling to the stem.

Will he kiss his will?

Kiss his own poonis

No, no, no.

I'm not kissing my own poonis. Jonathan, we're done kissing.

Oh, whatever.

Come on, babe, let's get out of here.

I don't know you,

but I'll go with my second choice. Let's go. Claudette.

All right. I don't love being second, but I'm down.

On a sunny day.

I don't want to wear long sleeves,

but with my plaque psoriasis, I don't have another choice.

Worst of all, it robbed me of my confidence.

That's when my doctor told me about Otezla.

Otezla is the number one prescribed treatment

for moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.

Now I feel like me again.

Otezla is not a cream and it's not an injection.

Otezla isn't a patch, a liquid medicine or an inhaler?

So what is it?

We don't know.

We don't know what Otezla is or how it got here.

And we don't know what it wants.

But we do know that it treats plaque psoriasis

and that we can't stop it.

And now I'm the king of the dance floor.

It looks like a pill, but that may be

what Otezla wants us to believe.

On security footage, when humans look away,

it becomes something else.

Either way, I've got my confidence back.

Otezla has no known weaknesses or vulnerabilities.

It cannot be created or destroyed.

Ask your doctor if Otezla is right for you

and ask an old blind man if Otezla was foretold.

Otezla works fast and we believe plaque

psoriasis might be its food.

Best of all, Otezla is covered by most insurers.

Worst of all, Otezla appears

to be moving through time differently than we are.

So our future is its past.

Otezla has been with us before,

always right before a major leap in civilization,

perhaps nudging humanity forward optimistically.

This could be Tesla's way of guiding humanity

to one day create otezla,

or pessimistically to a future of enslavement.

Nine out of ten dermatologists recommend Otezla.

The ten dermatologists carved

a bunch of numbers into a wall and then shot himself. I'm open.

Some people may be allergic to otezla.

If you're allergic, you may be the key.

The secret weapon. We need to fight back.

And now I can dance the night away.

You do not take Otezla.

If you are pregnant, nursing or taking other plaque

psoriasis medications, especially Skyrim.

Otezla is either working with or the mortal enemy of Skyrim.

It's possible that one has been sent

to protect us and one to kill us.

If one molecule of otezla touched one molecule of Skyrim.

Space and time would collapse.

So say goodbye to plaque psoriasis thanks to Otezla.

Whatever it may be or want.

Oh Oh Oh Otezla

What do you mean it's taken?

>> HELLO?

WE ARE HERE FOR THE TREASURE.

>> YEAH!

>> TREASURE!

>> TREASURE.

>> TREASURE AWAITS YOU, BRAVE

ONE-EYED WARRIORS, BEHIND THIS

LOCKED DOOR.

>> THOUGH THE CYCLOPS IS THE

REALM'S SIMPLEST CREATURE, YOU

HAVE PASSED EVERY TEST OF

STRENGTH ON YOUR QUEST.

NOW YOU FACE THE TEST OF THE

MIND.

>> WHY?

>> BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THE

ANCIENT ONES DEVISED.

TO OPEN THE DOOR, YOU MUST SOLVE

A RIDDLE.

>> WE DON'T HAVE A RIDDLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NO.

WE HAVE THE RIDDLE.

>> CAN WE HAVE THE RIDDLES?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WE NEED THE RIDDLE TO OPEN

THE DOOR.

>> NO, NO.

WE SAY A RIDDLE, AND YOU ANSWER

IT.

>> WHY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> BECAUSE THAT IS HOW IT WORKS.

>> CAN YOU OPEN THE DOOR?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NOT RIGHT NOW, NO.

>> WELL, WHEN CAN YOU OPEN THE

DOOR?

>> AFTER YOU SOLVE THE RIDDLE.

>> NOW LISTEN CLOSELY.

FOR I WILL TELL YOU THE RIDDLE.

LISTEN -- NOT PHYSICALLY CLOSE.

JUST GO BACK.

GO BACK.

GO BACK.

>> WHY?

>> GO BACK.

STOP.

GO BACK.

>> WHY?

>> GET BACK.

>> WHY?

>> GO BACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

STOP, GO BACK.

GO BACK.

STOP.

STOP.

>> YOU'RE HIS WIFE.

YOU'RE HIS WIFE.

YOU ARE HIS WIFE.

>> GO BACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

STOP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

STOP.

STOP.

LET ME SAY IT.

STOP.

STOP!

I HAVE HANDS AND A FACE.

THOUGH I AM NOT HUMAN STOCK.

I MARK EACH HOUR OF THE DAY.

I AM A TICKING --

>> CAN YOU OPEN THE DOOR?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NO.

NO.

YOU MUST ANSWER THE RIDDLE

FIRST.

I HAVE HANDS AND A FACE.

THOUGH I AM NOT OF HUMAN STOCK.

I MARK THE HOURS OF EACH DAY.

I AM A TICKING --

>> HAT?

>> HAT IS NOT THE ANSWER WE

SEEK.

THE ANSWER WAS CLOCK.

>> BUT THE DOOR NOT OPEN.

>> OKAY, STOP.

STOP.

STOP IT.

STOP.

MY FRIENDS, LISTEN, PLEASE.

WE WANT YOU TO WIN HERE.

WE HAVE GUARDED THIS DOOR FOR

1,000 YEARS.

OPENING IT WOULD SET US FREE.

WE WILL GIVE YOU ANOTHER RIDDLE.

>> I CANNOT BE SEEN BUT CAN MAKE

TREES BEND.

I WHISTLE WITHOUT MY MOUTH.

I AM THE HOWLING --

>> HAT!

>> STOP.

NO.

NO, NO.

TRY --

>> STOP, DON'T DO THIS.

>> OPEN THE DOOR.

>> TRY AGAIN.

SING, MY FRIEND, SING --

>> STOP IT!

THIS IS MY DOOR, STOP!

STOP.

PLEASE, MY LORDS, PLEASE, GOD,

STOP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M BEGGING YOU, PLEASE.

>> WHY?

>> PLEASE.

>> WHY?

>> PLEASE STOP IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO!

I CANNOT BE SEEN BUT MAKE TREES

BEND.

>> I WHISTLE WITHOUT A MOUTH.

I AM THE HOWLING --

>> CAN YOU OPEN THE DOOR?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NO.

>> NO, NO.

ONE MORE CHANCE.

>> THE ANSWER IS NOT HAT.

>> I CANNOT BE SEEN BUT MAKE

TREES BEND.

I WHISTLE WITHOUT A MOUTH.

I AM THE HOWLING --

>> AND THE ANSWER IS NOT HAT.

>> NOT HAT.

>> OH, MY GOD, NO.

THE ANSWER WAS WIND.

>> BUT THE WIND'S NOT A HAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I GUESS THAT'S TECHNICALLY

TRUE.

OKAY, THE WIND IS NOT A HAT.

SO -- CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU SOLVED THE RIDDLE!

>> THE TREASURE IS YOURS.

>> YOU GUYS, I GOT THE TREASURE!

>> NO, THAT'S THE KEY FOR THE

DOOR.

>> I GOT THE TREASURE!

>> OKAY, FINE.

GOOD-BYE.

>> TREASURE, I GOT THE TREASURE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

>>> CONGRATULATIONS!

YOU SPECIAL FEW FOUND A GOLDEN

DOUGHNUT AND HAVE WON THE CHANCE

TO TOUR MONTY McTREAT'S FAMOUS

PASTRY BAKERY!

>> AND YOUR TOUR GUIDE WILL BE

NONE OTHER THAN MUNCHIE McTREAT!

THE SAME AS A BAKED OR SUGARY

SWEET.

>> UUGH, McTREAT'S IS A BORE.

>> ON OPPOSITE DAYS.

>> MONTY McTREAT!

>> 'TIS ME, 'TIS US, 'TIS WE!

AND YOU LUCKY FEW ARE ABOUT TO

BE THE FIRST VISITORS EVER.

BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY YOU WON'T

BELIEVE YOUR EYES.

♪ WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING AT OUR

COOKIES AND YOU GAZE UPON OUR

PIES ♪

>> OUR DOUGHNUTS ARE THE

GLAZEIEST.

>> OUR CUPCAKES FOR GOODNESS

CAKES ARE SIMPLY THE

CUPCAKEIEST.

>> OH, MY GOODNESS, WHAT ARE

THOSE CHARMING LITTLE CREATURES?

>> WHY, THOSE ARE MY DODIE-DEES.

OVER 1,000 OF THOSE PUDGY LITTLE

PALS WORK IN MY BAKERY.

♪ NO TUMMY ACHES OR SUGAR

CRASH ♪

♪ JUST CUPCAKES AND MILK

MUSTACHES ♪

♪ OPEN THE DOORS AND FOLLOW ME ♪

♪ INTO MY DAINTY PASTRY BAKERY ♪

[ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]

>> OH, MY GOD!

A DODIE-DEE HUNG ITSELF WITH

THE --

>> SHH!

>> CLOSE THE DOOR!

>> LET GO OF ME!

>> I'M SORRY.

THE TOUR BEGINS SOON.

IN THE MEANTIME, ENJOY SOME

COOKIES.

>> SIR, THE DOORS ARE JAMMED.

WE NEED LETTERS.

BOYS AND GIRLS, GUESS WHAT?

THE TOUR IS NOW TAKING PLACE IN

THE LOADING BAY!

>> BUNCH OF MORE DEAD ONES BACK

THERE.

>> WHAT?

>> IT'S SPRINGTIME, THAT'S WHEN

THEY MATE.

AFTER THEY MATE, THE MALES OFF

THEMSELVES TO FREE UP RESOURCES

FOR THE WOMEN AND THE BABIES.

>> JESUS.

>> NO, IT'S NOT SAD, IT'S JUST

WHAT THEY DO.

>> THEY HAVE SOCIETY, CULTURE,

RELIGION, I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD

ANY OF THAT STUFF.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE ANIMALS.

I SHOVED THEM IN NETS AND

SHIPPED THEM HERE.

>> YOU WHAT?

>> WHAT?

HEY, LOOK OVER HERE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR A JOKE?

WHY DO GOLFERS HAVE DOUGHNUTS?

>> EXCUSE ME, ISN'T THERE A MORE

RESPECTFUL WAY TO GET IT DOWN?

>> DANIEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> TRYING TO GET IT DOWN!

>> IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO POKE

IT WITH A GIANT SPOON, I WOULD

PREFER THAT YOU LEAVE HIM THERE.

HERE'S A FUN FACT.

THE WALLS BEHIND ME ARE 1,000

COOKIES TALL.

WHY?

TO KEEP MY SECRET RECIPES A

SECRET.

♪ HOW DO YOU GET YOUR JELLY

JELLY ♪

♪ TWO TABLESPOONS OF I'M NOT

TELLING ♪

♪ HOW DO YOU MAKE A PERFECT

DOUGH ♪

♪ ADD A LITTLE PINCH OF YOU'LL

NEVER KNOW MOST ♪

>> OH!

IT'S OKAY.

HE'S JUST NAPPING.

>> NO ONE'S BUYING THAT.

>> SIR, THE DOORS ARE WORKING.

>> THANK GOD.

PARDON OUR DUST, FOLKS.

WE'LL BE BACK BEFORE YOU CAN

FROST A FLAKE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --

GORILLAZ.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪ HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO ♪

♪♪

♪ I AIN'T HAPPY

I'M FEELING BAD

I GOT SUNSHINE IN A BAG ♪

♪ I'M USELESS

BUT NOT FOR LONG

THE FUTURE IS COMIN' ON ♪

♪ I AIN'T HAPPY

I'M FEELING BAD

I GOT SUNSHINE IN A BAG ♪

♪ I'M USELESS

BUT NOT FOR LONG

THE FUTURE IS COMIN' ON ♪

♪ IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON ♪

♪ FINALLY SOMEONE LET ME

OUT OF MY CAGE

NOW TIME FOR ME IS NOTHING

'CAUSE I'M COUNTIN' NO AGE ♪

♪ NAH YOU COULDN'T BE THERE

NO YOU SHOULDN'T

BE SCARED ♪

♪ I'M GOOD AT REPAIRS

AND I'M UNDER EACH SNARE ♪

♪ INTANGIBLE

BET YOU COULDN'T THINK

SO I COMMAND YOU TO

PANORAMIC VIEW ♪

♪ YO, I'LL MAKE IT

ALL MANAGEABLE

PICK AND CHOOSE

SIT AND LOSE ♪

♪ ALL YOU DIFFERENT CREWS

CHICKS AND DUDES

WHO YOU THINK IS

REALLY KICKIN' TUNES ♪

♪ PICTURE YOU GETTING DOWN

IN A PICTURE TUBE

LIKE YOU LIT THE FUSE ♪

♪ YOU THINK IT'S FICTIONAL

MYSTICAL, MAYBE ♪

♪ SPIRITUAL HERO WHO APPEARS

IN YOU TO CLEAR YOUR VIEW

WHEN YOU'RE TOO CRAZY ♪

♪ LIFELESS TO THOSE WITH

DEFINITION OF WHAT

LIFE IS ♪

♪ PRICELESS TO Y'ALL BECAUSE

I PUT YOU ON THE HYPE ♪

♪ YOU LIKE IT, GUN SMOKIN'

RIGHTEOUS WITH ONE TOKE

GET PSYCHIC AMONG THOSE

POSSESS YOU WITH ONE DOSE ♪

♪ I AIN'T HAPPY

I'M FEELING BAD

I GOT SUNSHINE IN A BAG ♪

♪ I'M USELESS

BUT NOT FOR LONG

THE FUTURE IS COMIN' ON ♪

♪ I AIN'T HAPPY

I'M FEELING GLAD

I GOT SUNSHINE IN A BAG ♪

♪ I'M USELESS

BUT NOT FOR LONG

THE FUTURE IS COMIN' ON ♪

♪ IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON ♪

♪ THE ESSENCE, THE BASICS

WITHOUT IT, YOU NAKED

ALLOW ME TO MAKE THIS

CHILDLIKE IN NATURE ♪

♪ RHYTHM, YOU HAVE IT

OR YOU DON'T

THAT'S A FALLACY ♪

♪ I'M IN THEM

EVERY SPROUTIN' TREE

EVERY CHILD OF PEACE

EVERY CLOUD AND SEA ♪

♪ YOU SEE WITH YOUR EYES

I SEE DESTRUCTION

AND DEMISE ♪

♪ CORRUPTION IN DISGUISE

FROM THIS ENTERPRISE

NOW I'M SUCKED

INTO YOUR LIES ♪

♪ THROUGH RUSSEL

NOT HIS MUSCLES

BUT PERCUSSION

HE PROVIDES ♪

♪ FOR ME AS A GUIDE

Y'ALL CAN SEE ME NOW

'CAUSE YOU DON'T SEE

WITH YOUR EYE ♪

♪ YOU PERCEIVE WITH

YOUR MIND

THAT'S THE INNER ♪

♪ I'MA STICK AROUND WITH

RUSS AND BE A MENTOR

CLOWN ALL THESE FOOLS

MAKE SURE THEY REMEMBER ♪

♪ WHAT THE THOUGHT IS

I BROUGHT ALL THIS

SO Y'ALL CAN SURVIVE

WHEN LAW IS LAWLESS ♪

♪ FEELING SENSATIONS

YOU THOUGHT WAS DEAD

NO SQUEALING, REMEMBER

THAT IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD ♪

♪ I AIN'T HAPPY

I'M FEELING GLAD

I GOT SUNSHINE IN A BAG ♪

♪ I'M USELESS

BUT NOT FOR LONG

THE FUTURE IS COMIN' ON ♪

♪ I AIN'T HAPPY

I'M FEELING GLAD

I GOT SUNSHINE IN A BAG ♪

♪ I'M USELESS

BUT NOT FOR LONG

THE FUTURE IS COMIN' ON ♪

♪ IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON ♪

♪ MY FUTURE IS COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON ♪

♪ MY FUTURE IS COMIN' ON

♪ IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON ♪

♪ OUR FUTURE IS COMING ON

IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON ♪

♪ OUR FUTURE IS COMING ON

IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON ♪

♪ OUR FUTURE IS COMING ON

IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON ♪

♪ OUR FUTURE IS COMING ON

IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON

♪ OUR FUTURE IT'S COMING ON

IT'S COMIN' ON

IT'S COMIN' ON ♪

♪ OUR FUTURE ♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem has been

fired.

Wait, what? Why?

I mean, name 1 to 20 things she did wrong.

Was it calling the innocent guy?

They shot a domestic terrorist.

Was it spending $220 million of taxpayer money

on an ad campaign where she dressed up

like Jesse from toy Story?

She's so happy riding a horse in this.

I bet his name is Corey Lewandowski.

You know, on some level, I feel bad for Kristi Noem.

Imagine being singled out

as the worst member of Trump's cabinet.

That's like someone coming up to you at a party and saying,

we think you should leave. You're making Diddy uncomfortabl

President Trump said he will reassign Kristi Noem

to be special envoy for the shield of the Americas,

which is a brand new department located on a farm upstate.

The CIA is reportedly working to arm local militias in Iran

with the hopes that they will lead an uprising.

Hey, we're great in Afghanistan.

President Trump said

that he should be involved in choosing Iran's supreme leader.

So congrats to new Supreme Leader Ayatollah.

Jared Kushner. Jared.

The prediction markets say Koski is being sued for failing

to pay out

$54 million to people who bet that the Ayatollah

Khomeini would leave office before March 1st,

because technically, he never really left the office.

Oh, a lot of Ayatollah fans here tonight. Wow.

Donald Trump announced that he will attend

the white House Correspondents Dinner,

which will be hosted by famous mind reader Oz Pearlman.

Big deal. Even I can read Trump's mind. Dementia.

Officials in New Mexico are reopening investigations

into the ranch that Jeffrey Epstein owned.

And they should have known something was up

when Epstein's ranch was all ponies.

Really bumming them out there, Jost.

Health Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr.

Who is what happens if you leave Walton

Goggins in an air fryer?

That's fun.

Said that he will challenge Dunkin Donuts

to prove that their sugary drinks are safe.

You know what that means.

A push up contest with Ben Affleck.

A rash has appeared on President Trump's neck,

which is just above his collar.

Apparently, someone accidentally

washed his shirt and holy water.

Warner Brothers World Abu Dhabi is officially developing

a Harry Potter themed land in the United Arab Emirates,

so hopefully they know the spell for mycelium to deflect us

Haha, I love it!

Two employees at a Smoothie King in

Michigan were reportedly fired after refusing

to serve a smoothie to a man who was wearing a President

Trump hoodie, which is crazy.

I mean, what happened to being civil

and just serving a smoothie with spit in it?

Timothee Chalamet is being criticized

by major opera and ballet organizations

after he said that no one cares about those art forms.

Charlemagne made the comment on a press

tour for his movie about ping pong.

A passenger on Japan Airlines

posted a picture of a seat cushion on the plane

that features a cheek splitter wedge in the middle,

which is very confusing because cheek splitter

is also the Japanese title for heated rivalry.

In the front row.

I got a couple.

And etiquette expert

is saying that the proper way to eat cereal

is with a spoon in one hand and a fork in the other.

The fork is to attack anyone that comes for me.

Lucky charms.

So astronomers say

they have discovered what they are calling a dark galaxy.

After they got off the wrong exit in Atlanta.

Kentucky police arrested a man after he was caught having sex

with a dead deer.

And worse, it wasn't dead when he started.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay.

So weird. Transition.

March is women's history month.

Yeah, we're women's history month.

Women's history month, celebrating

all those ladies who did that stuff.

Good job, girls.

This is our EMMY show.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>>> WITH SO MUCH NEGATIVITY IN

THE WORLD, I THOUGHT WE NEEDED A

LITTLE BOOST.

SINCE IT'S TECHNICALLY SUNDAY

MORNING, I ASKED THE OFFICIAL

WEEKEND UPDATE PASTOR TO GIVE US

A LITTLE UPLIFT.

PLEASE WELCOME PASTOR UPDATE AND

HIS BAND LEADER, TEDDY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

>> BLESSED.

BLESSINGS, CHE.

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR HAVING

ME BACK HERE ON THE "WEEKEND

UPDATE" TELEVISION SHOW.

>> WELCOME.

SO YOU'VE GOT A PRAYER FOR US,

PASTOR?

>> OH, I SURE DO.

TEDDY, HELP ME OUT HERE.

>> I'M RIGHT HERE WITH YOU,

PASTOR.

♪♪

♪ FATHER GOD LORD JESUS ♪

♪ I WANT TO THANK THE LORD FOR

BRINGING ME HERE TODAY ♪

♪ INTO THIS BEAUTIFUL BUILDING ♪

♪ WITH THE BEAUTIFUL SNACKS IN

THE GREEN ROOM ♪

♪ CHEESE CUBES ♪

♪ CHICKEN CAESAR WRAP ♪

♪ LITTLE CHOPPED-UP

ROOM-TEMPERATURE FRUIT ♪

♪ HONEYDEW MELON ♪

♪ CANTALOUPE MELON ♪

♪ CHUNKS OF PINEAPPLE THAT TASTE

LIKE MELON BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN

TOUCHING THE REST OF THE MELON

FOR TOO LONG ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

AMEN!

>> AMEN, BROTHER.

>> YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THEM

SNACKS?

>> YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE MEAT YOU

WANT, BUNT IT AIN'T A SANDWICH

IF YOU AIN'T GOT NO BREAD.

ALL RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HUH, OKAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THAT WAS GREAT BUT I WAS KIND

OF HOPING YOU CAN SAY SOMETHING

THAT WOULD FEEL UNIFYING.

>> ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY, BOW

YOUR HEADS.

♪ FATHER GOD LORD JESUS ♪

♪ WE GOT TO COME TOGETHER ♪

♪ NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE ♪

♪ NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SKIN

COLOR ♪

♪ NO MATTER IF YOU'RE A MAN OR A

WOMAN ♪

♪ I ESPECIALLY WANT TO THANK GOD

FOR MAKING WOMAN ♪

♪ BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU KNOW THE

KIND ♪

♪ AMPLE BOTTOM JEANS ♪

♪ BOOTS WITH THE FUR ♪

♪ BIG OLD FOREHEAD ♪

♪ AND THE CURVATURE ALWAYS LOVE

THE CURVATURE OF AN AMPLE BIG

FOREHEADED WOMAN ♪

♪ RIHANNA ♪

♪ TYRA ♪

♪ ZOE DESCHANEL ♪

♪ WHAT YOU HIDING UNDER THEM

BANGS I KNOW IT'S CRAZY ♪

AMEN!

AMEN.

WHAT'S YOUR THOUGHTS ON THAT?

>> HEY, IF YOU SHAKE IT MORE

THAN TWICE YOU'RE PLAYING WITH

IT, ALL RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU OKAY, TEDDY?

WELL, SPEAKING OF BANG-BANG,

CHE?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THAT

RENDEZVOUS YOU HAD WITH

"ABBOTT ELEMENTARY'S" SHERYL LEE

RALPH?

>> I DON'T KNOW SHERYL LEE

RALPH.

>> THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU TOLD ME.

YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED HER TO

CHERYL ON YOUR LEE UNTIL YOU

RALPHED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I HAVE NEVER MET SHERYL LEE

RALPH.

I'M LOOKING FOR A NICE PRAYER,

SOMETHING THAT GIVES EVERYBODY

ENCOURAGEMENT.

>> I SEE, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

COME ON, PRAY WITH ME, CHE.

♪ FATHER GOD LORD JESUS ♪

♪ WE PRAY THAT CHE FINDS PEACE ♪

♪ WE PRAY HE FIND LOVE ♪

♪ WE PRAY THAT HE GETS OFF OF

HIS LAPTOP LOOKING AT THEM NASTY

PICTURES ON THE COMPUTER ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ NASTY VIDEOS ♪

♪ BECAUSE LORD CHE IS GOONING ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ GOONING IN THE LIVING ROOM ♪

♪ GOONING IN HIS KITCHEN LORD ♪

♪ GOONING IN HIS OFFICE WITH THE

DOOR LOCKED ♪

♪ LAPTOP HEAVY WITH SIN ♪

♪ COMPUTER GOT SO MANY VIRUSES

THAN HE DO ♪

♪ LAPTOP SING LIKE A LAWNMOWER

WHEN YOU TURN IT ON ♪

>> PASTOR UPDATE, EVERYBODY.

>> STOP THE GOONING, CHE.

>> I'M NOT.

FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M

MICHAEL CHE.

>> COLIN JOST.

GOOD NIGHT.

I do have to settle.

Settle. Excuse me. Hello?

Hello. Quiet! Oh my gosh! Is there a young person?

Slang term for be quiet that you'll actually hear.

Oh. Yes. It is chode, chode.

Good to know.

Okay.

Principal Witt is here to speak to you of all

about the bullying problem that we've been having.

Thank you, Miss Perry. Thank you.

As you know,

the school's policy on bullying is no bullying.

That extends to things like gossip and rumors.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Hold on. What? What's going on? Oh, and are you passing a note?

Give it to me. Oh. When are you passing a note?

This is exactly what Principal Witt is talking about.

Come on.

Oh, and how about I share this with the class,

No no no, no, please don't read that, miss, please.

You know my rule.

If I catch you passing a note, I'm going to read it out loud.

Now we all get to hear about who's smooching who,

I'm so sick of it.

Oh, it's about me. Okay.

Yo. Real talk.

I sat behind miss P on the bus

when we took that field trip last week.

She was on her phone.

She uploaded a picture of herself to ChatGPT

and said, do you have any?

She said, do you have any makeover tips for me?

And she just answered, no.

Pretty sad bro.

Well, well, at least you're not gossiping

about each other, Principal Witt, I'm sorry.

Go ahead

right now. Let me explain something, okay?

People say I wasn't bullying him. I was roasting him.

Okay. What's the difference?

Roasting is bullying. That's really funny.

And that's it. That's the only difference.

Yeah. Excuse me.

Gavin. Gavin,

why are you seriously passing a note while I'm talking?

Oh, not. Give it to

Gavin.

Yeah. Gavin says please.

Let Gavin.

Please. Mr. white, don't read. Dad. It's legit embarrassing.

Well, let's see about that, shall we?

Okay.

Don't tell anyone this, but I came to school early

the other day, and principal with

was in a school gym shooting hoops.

Oh, okay. Oh, God.

I saw him miss 133 layups in a row.

After each miss.

He said there's got to be a way to do this.

When he finally made one.

He tried to celebrate by ripping his t shirt in half,

but he couldn't do it and just stretch it out really bad.

It was weird.

Well, the only person that embarrassed was you.

Okay.

All right, well, I don't know why I'm getting in trouble.

Dante. Possibly this? No. Earlier.

And you didn't even really do a slingshot?

No. It's this note about something

you saw myself or Principal Witt do. No, no, it's not good.

So I didn't see

this personally, but my cousin did.

She works at a gynecologist office, bro.

She saw miss pacing outside,

trying to psych herself up to go in.

She was saying to yourself, come on, Eileen.

They've seen it a hundred times.

You can't have the worst one in the world.

Just tuck it in.

March in there and

say it happened again.

Oh, wow.

Okay, well, this is okay. It's fine.

I don't care so bad. Guys, I suggest you all chill.

Okay. Show up.

All of you. Cho showed it up.

Mandy, are you kidding me, man? Well.

We going. I'm sorry, I never expected.

I never expected this from you, Mandy.

You're such a good student, and you have so few friends. Oh,

you go.

This happened a few years ago.

I went to see Barbie

with my sister, and Principal Witt was there.

He bought an entire row for himself.

Every time the Ken character came on screen, he'd say

finally, something to look.

If I were still gay.

I do him.

Wow. Oh my God. Well, I have,

I refuse to apologize for being right.

Okay. Yo, Mr. Dante, passing another one.

Can I read it?

Sure. Tyler. Go ahead.

Like,

Yo, I think Tyler is an undercover cop.

Bro. Looks like he's in his 40s.

He's absolutely caked in makeup.

One time, he dropped his wallet

and a picture of his wife fell out.

No shade, but she looked almost exactly like jelly rolls.

Oh. P.S.

have you seen what's in Miss P's desk?

My desk is community property. Are we kidding?

Okay, you know what? I have nothing to hide. You think I care,

You think I care about this?

What does it say?

You think I care about lunch number two?

Okay.

Who wants spaghetti? Spaghetti?

Well,

now that you've seen it,

I guess I don't have to eat it in my car anymore.

You know what? Class dismissed. I'm done with you. Class.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, GORILLAZ.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ TO THE MOON CAVE

WHERE I BOUGHT MY TEARS

LIT THE LANTERN

ON MY CHILDHOOD FEARS ♪

♪ IF YOU'RE LEAVING

DON'T MAKE IT HARDER

THAN IT IS ♪

♪ LET ME KNOW

SO I CAN SAY GOODBYE ♪

♪ OH THE THINGS I

SWORE I'D NEVER BECOME

AND AT THE VASTNESS

OF THE RIVER ♪

♪ IN THE CRADLED LIGHT

THEY'VE DONE ME ♪

♪ WHY AM I TAKING SO LONG

WHY MY VOICE

NOT STRONG NOW

IT'S BEEN CUT ♪

♪ YOU WILL NEVER

RECOGNIZE ME AGAIN

HAVE YOU EVER TRAVELED

ON A MOONBEAM ♪

♪ OH THE THINGS I

SWORE I'D NEVER BECOME

AND AT THE VASTNESS

OF THE RIVER ♪

♪ IN THE CRADLED LIGHT

THEY'VE DONE ME BUT

♪ OH THE THINGS I

NEED

I'D NEVER BECOME ♪

♪ THAT'S IF

FOREVER COMING

HOW LONG WITH THE PLAN ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ THINGS I

SWORE I'D NEVER BECOME ♪

♪ YES, PLEASE

LIKE A BROKEN MAN ♪

♪ GRINNING BEGINNINGS

WHO REALIZED

WHAT HE HAS DONE

ONE MORE TIME FROM THE TOP ♪

♪ YO I CAN FLOAT

LIKE A BUTTERFLY

GIMME ANY TOPIC

I'MA LET IT SLIDE ♪

♪ BET YOU I'MA FLOAT LIKE

I'M IN THE SKY

LOOK AT HOW I DROP IT ♪

♪ WHEN I LET THE IDEAS

JUST FLOAT UP HIGH LIKE

A NEW HOT TOPIC

GOOD TO BE A GOAT ♪

♪ ONLY WAY I FLOAT IS TO

TREAT IT LIKE IT'S GOSSIP

AND DROP IT YEAH

WATCH THIS ♪

♪ YO I CAN FLOAT LIKE

NO OTHER GUY

GIMME ANY TOPIC

I'MA LET IT RIDE ♪

♪ BET YOU I'MA FLOAT LIKE

I'VE BEEN A VIBE

I'MA JUST DROP IT

YEAH CHECK IT ♪

♪ I GET TELESCOPIC

FOR PROFIT

WHEN I FLOAT

TOPIC TO TOPIC ♪

♪ IS IT HIP HOP

IS IT GOTHIC

CAN IT FIT INTO

THE CORNER POCKET ♪

♪ IS IT HOVERING

ABOVE THE SURFACE

IS THE PAIN WHERE

THE MEGAHERTZ IS ♪

♪ WHERE THE MASJID

WHERE THE CHURCH IS

ARE THE LAST DAYS

WHERE THE EARTH IS ♪

♪ IT'S A MOVIE, LISTEN TO ME

THEY HAVE GIVEN

THE PERMISSION TO ME ♪

♪ TO MOVE LIKE

MISTER HALLOUMI

IF I LEAVE HERE

DON'T PURSUE ME ♪

♪ LET ME FLOAT

TOPIC TO TOPIC

FROM THE POSH TIP

TO THE MOSH PIT ♪

♪ TO THE GHOSTS CLOCKIN'

THE FOLKS WATCHIN'

THE MOST POPULAR OPTICS ♪

♪ SPREAD IT ALL 'ROUND

FROM THE SMALL TOWN

TO THE EMPIRES

GONNA FALL DOWN ♪

♪ FROM THE ENERGY THAT

BRUNG THE WALL DOWN

OR THE MOTHERSHIP GON'

CALL DOWN LIKE ORSON ♪

♪ THE HEAT GON' BE SCORCHING

THE BEAT GON' NEED VOICES

THE SOUND DOWNRIGHT

AWESOME ♪

♪ WHAT DOWNTOWN LIKE

DIFFERENT THAN THE

SOUNDS Y'ALL LIKE ♪

♪ LEMME BREAK IT DOWN

FOR 'EM LIKE

YO CHECK IT OUT ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ MAYBE I SHOULD JUST WAIT

JUST A LITTLE BIT

FORGETTING BOTHERS ME ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Thanks for coming on my work trip with me, babe.

Sorry I had so many meetings all weekend.

Babe, it was a free trip to Phoenix.

I'm not complaining.

Hi. Hi, there. Hi. Sorry. Hi.

We're just checking out Mitchell room 1020. Okay.

Ooh la la.

Junior suite.

Well, the room was pretty,

but I do need to confirm some incidental charges. Okay.

I have cashews from the minibar for $12. Ooh. Guilty.

Cashew girl.

A 90 minute shiatsu massage from the spa for 215.

Yeah. Okay.

It looks like a couple bottles of Fiji water.

Yep yep yep. Okay.

And then $1,200 for two visits from the Goo-Goo. Man.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What?

Yeah, yeah. Back up. What was that last charge, Bud?

That's $1,200 for two in-room

visits from the hotel's Goo-Goo, man.

No, that's a mistake.

Yeah, we're not paying for them. Okay.

I only got one visit from the man.

Oh, I see. Yeah. Douglas. What's happening?

Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out.

Then. Dude, the man only came once.

Okay, well, I'm happy to show you an itemized bill.

Do do get comfy, folks, because this could take a while.

Oh, hey. Yeah.

What is the Google hit?

Is not something that costs $1,200, babe.

Okay, let me just pull that up for you.

And here you are, sir. Thank you. Take a look. Okay.

Okay. Google man. Deluxe. Yes.

Tummy time? Sure.

Cuddle car. Yes.

That's right. Nom nom. Yeah. Wait a second.

No no no no. So you do. This is what I'm saying.

I got the wacky pack upgrade. Nom nom is are included.

How do I explain this to him, Bev?

I don't know.

I don't understand anything you're seeing right now.

In fact, what is this?

That's the goo goo accessories rental fee.

Gotcha. Interesting follow up question.

Why would I rent goo Goo accessories?

Like it doesn't make sense.

Why would I went through goo accessories

when I already brought them from home?

Like, what do you think, babe?

Like, do you think that I would read

goo goo goo goggles when I have some of my own?

Oh, all of you. Hi.

I'm so sorry.

An older gentleman has fallen by the pool, and.

Hey there. I'm sorry.

There's this new thing that people are doing.

It's called waiting. Your turn. You should try this, sir.

Perhaps you read the pricing incorrectly.

Question. Are you her? No. Then why are you jerking me around?

Congrats, bro.

I'm officially pissed off.

So get your manager now. Of course. Sir.

Hey, F.Y.I.

If anyone else got the in room government, is it you?

Just check your bill. Will do. Man.

Yeah.

Thanks for the heads up. Yes, yes, I know one thing.

Hello. I'm so sorry for the delay.

I'm afraid I fell by the pool.

Now, I understand that there's a problem with your Google bill.

Let me just take a look here.

Okay? Google man deluxe and whatnot. Hold on.

He got the wacky pack, so this should all be included.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present a competent individual,

but I want to make this right.

So I'm going to go ahead and copy

this Google man visit and credit your account.

And if you have your Google Rewards number I'm ready.

Yep. It's three and done. Okay

okay I do apologize.

So it's fine. These things happen.

Just answer me one thing, Douglas. Yeah.

Is the Goo goo man a sex thing?

Could you ask me that? That's the Goo goo man's decision.

In 2005, I had sex with Barack Obama.

Did you catch that?

It's called lying, and it's more common than you may think.

Ever since cutting out sugar and carbs,

I have felt so good. Lie. So fun running into you.

We should have dinner sometime. I love to lie.

You know, my penis is ten inches long.

True and perfectly straight.

I myself lie. I lied to my therapist.

I told him I didn't need therapy anymore

because I had stopped wetting the bad lie.

But actually, I just didn't

trust his life advice after I saw his tattoo.

That's our time. Thank you so much for coming.

But I never lie to you.

Which is why I do all of my own stunts.

Hey. Well, thanks so much. Oh.

So, in order to learn more about lying,

I tried the biggest lie of all to live my life as someone else.

And I knew just whose life I wanted to live.

Oh, God. That. Colin Jost. It's me.

It worked.

I was Colin Jost.

Please welcome back to the show,

our very good friend, Colin Jost. Everybody.

I'm doing the Colin dance, man.

Seth, here's the weekend update for you.

Is Colin Jost. Time now, bro? For real?

How much money do you got?

And even though I found some weird stuff

in Colin's dressing room, I loved Colin's life.

What's up? My wife.

You're her from the movie. Her and I'm certainly him.

Bienvenidos, Marcello.

Yo soy! Colin. Jost. Excellent day. Oh.

Hey, Colin, we're going to dinner.

Or straight to dessert.

I think New York's about to get hit

with a whole new kind of blizzard.

But eventually, my life caught up to me.

The hell are you doing in my office?

Were you reading my musical?

What are you doing, man?

Wait.

Which one of you is the real Colin Jost? I am, I can't tell.

Oh, Jane, I'm going to ask you guys something.

Only the real Colin would know. What's your son's name?

I want to say Connor.

What's your wife's name in Jurassic World?

Damn it! Zora. Bennett. Oh.

Told ya. LIE

>>> THANKS TO HARRY STYLES,

GORILLAZ, ASHA PUGLY, AND HAPPY

BIRTHDAY, EVA.

THANKS TO LORNE.

THANKS TO THE WHOLE CAST.

I LOVE YOU.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH

IT|S HER BIRTHDAY