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Hello
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Good evening and happy World
War three to all who celebrate.
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It's me, Donald Trump,
FIFA Peace Prize
4
00:00:23,456 --> 00:00:27,260
winner and Nobel Peace
Prize taker. Yoink.
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00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:28,661
Remember when I did that?
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I launched this attack
after me and my Board of Peace
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decided
that we were Board of Peace.
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Little wordplay. There.
You catch it.
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As we all know,
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Iran has been two weeks away
from developing a nuclear weapon
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for like,
the last 15 years or something.
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So we had to act
now, and we're doing war work.
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00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:57,057
What is it good for? Distracting
from the Epstein files.
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And I know on the campaign trail
I promised
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no new foreign wars. But listen,
war is plural, right?
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Well, I had to do one.
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The one foreign war
and possibly one several
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to all my MAGA voters
who are upset
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and saying,
this is not what I voted for.
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Well, do you, dad? Don't
you know who I am? I, me,
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even I don't know what I'm going
to do next.
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Hello from the year 5000. Like,
what the hell is that? Right?
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Nobody knows.
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I'm unpredictable.
I'm like a box of chocolates.
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You never know what you're going
to get. Forrest Gump.
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Gump.
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America's
favorite time traveling outward.
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He told that story to that nurse
on the bench.
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After the feather
fell down. Gump.
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I don't get it. People
begging begged for Trump.
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And then when you get them,
you don't like.
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And what's going on? All right,
I'm like new Star Wars movies.
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I see the
trailer for Mandalorian Goku,
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and they say, never mind,
I don't want that.
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People are asking,
why attack Iran now?
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Well, we had to strike
in the early hours of Saturday,
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which has two advantages
militarily.
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One, it's after the stock
market closes for the weekend,
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and two, it's
to cause immeasurable fear,
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rage and chaos in the SNL
writers room.
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Those guys were going crazy.
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They probably had a big state
of the union
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address thing
they were going to do.
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Not anymore.
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Jeremy was in it. But
Jeremy, he's got a late show,
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but the whole thing in the trash
and start fresh.
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We love that for them.
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Anyway,
with more on this, here's
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a man I'm going to blame it on
when it doesn't work.
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Secretary of War Pete Hegseth.
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Yeah.
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All right, all right,
cut the track. Cut the track.
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And relax.
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Is the Four Loko non elk.
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Subdue weeds.
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As you probably heard, Operation
Epic Fury is underway.
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And as you could tell from the
veins in my neck, I'm pumped.
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Why do we call it
epic fury? Simple.
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Eight letters lines up perfectly
for some bitchin knuckle tats.
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Yeah,
get him in the wrong order.
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But you get it.
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And those are my least
problematic tattoos.
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Shut up.
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They asked for someone
to volunteer to oversee this
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half bank operation,
and I didn't walk.
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I ran.
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For President Trump.
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Call me at two in the morning.
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You know, I was awake, sober,
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and already training
for the mission, playing
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Prince of Persia
Sands of Time on my Gamecube.
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We love the Gamecube.
It's underrated. Yeah.
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Misunderstood system.
The Gamecube had
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a small library.
It was hard to code for.
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It was hard to code for.
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Smart man.
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But don't let my confident
demeanor fool you.
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I am scared
and I don't know what I'm doing
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when he said we were going
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to blow up the leader of Iran,
I thought he was kidding.
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And now, all day long
I've been here.
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People saying,
why do we do this?
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What's the reason for this war?
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Oh yeah, I actually have
the reason right here.
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It's under my chin.
Let me get it for you.
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Goodfellas.
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Bottom line, all of you
should be thanking us.
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We took out a horrendous,
horrible leader
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who was oppressing
his own people.
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But don't get any ideas
and live from New York.
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AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
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SATURDAY NIGHT!
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>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
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NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
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MUSICAL GUEST MUMFORD & SONS.
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AND YOUR HOST, CONNOR STORRIE.
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- CONNOR
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STORRIE!
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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♪♪
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Thank you.
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Thank you. Thank you.
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Thank you very much.
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I am so excited to be here. Yes.
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Okay, okay.
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Now, some of you may have seen
literally all of me on my show.
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Heated rivalry.
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It's a show that has taught
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a lot of people about hockey,
and it's taught
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a lot of straight women
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that their sexuality
is actually gay. Guy.
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If you haven't seen it,
it's a little spicy,
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but it's actually
a lot more than that.
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It's not said
I could show a clip,
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so I found one that was good
for the whole family.
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Okay.
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That is literally all
we could show from the show.
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But this show
has totally changed my life.
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Okay, right before I got
cast, I was a waiter, and,
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YEAH.
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AND I'VE ONLY -- SO I'VE ONLY
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and, I've only.
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So I've only technically been
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a professional actor for, like,
six months now.
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But on the other hand,
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I've been preparing for this
my entire life
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since I was a 12 year
old obsessed with acting.
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So it's like.
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It's like, on one hand,
I'm totally surprised
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and humbled
that this is happening to me.
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And on the other hand.
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This was my destiny.
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When I was little,
I said to my mother,
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why do I have to have
the last name story?
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The whole world is going to know
me as just Connor,
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like I'm Madonna
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or Cher or Paddington.
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Mother. I'm not a story.
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I'm a whole damn book.
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I am kidding.
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Seriously,
I promise I'm nothing like that.
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I am much worse.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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I'M JOKING.
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I'm joking.
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00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:07,380
I definitely did not have
a glamorous childhood, though.
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00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:12,052
I grew up in Texas,
and my mom was Texas.
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I grew up in Texas,
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00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:15,889
and my mom would drive me hours
to auditions.
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00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,490
She even drove me
to this weird mall
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where they did this, like,
National Kids talent contest.
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Which I won hands down
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in every category
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by doing a catwalk to It's
Raining Men with other children.
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BUT SERIOUSLY.
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But seriously,
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I really did not know
if this would ever happen to me.
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00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,580
And you know,
when I got the call
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that I was going to be on SNL,
I honestly cried.
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And, yeah, you know, I am just,
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I really I am just so,
so thankful for everything
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that this job gives me
the chance to do.
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You know, like, in two weeks,
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I had to learn
how to play Russian
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and look like
I knew how to play hockey.
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And then I'm watching
the Olympics
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and I see these amazing players,
and I'm like,
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I don't think I pulled it off.
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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Whoa, whoa.
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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No way.
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Man, I hear you're great.
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Oh, and and, Jack, you guys
literally just won the Olympics.
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Congrats.
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Thanks.
We've been so busy playing.
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We haven't had time to see
your show yet.
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It's about hockey, right?
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Yeah, kind of.
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I got my teeth
knocked out in the finals.
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That happened in your show.
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Metaphorically.
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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Cool.
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00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:54,988
What team do you play on?
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The Boston Raiders.
Boston Raiders.
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What league is that?
The NHL. The HBO.
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00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:03,063
But you guys should
check it out.
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00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:05,598
Oh, I hope some hockey players
watched it.
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
191
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:34,961
Oh. Don't worry.
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We saw your show.
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00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:38,198
Oh, wow.
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Hilary, Megan is so cool
that we're all here.
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It was going to be just us,
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00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:44,137
but we thought we'd invite
the guys to.
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:53,513
Yeah, we thought we'd give them
a little moment to shine.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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Well, that is very important.
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You know, my show
speaks to people
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who are not
always represented in hockey.
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So this is really great
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00:12:01,187 --> 00:12:03,623
to have actual hockey
legends here tonight.
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00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:07,394
I mean, yeah, I mean, both of
your teams just won the gold.
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00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:10,797
Thanks. The last time the men
did that was 46 years ago.
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00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:14,567
And the last time we did
that was two whole Olympics ago.
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00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:18,672
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:19,773
Nice burn.
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00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:21,808
But these gold medals aren't
just for us.
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They're for all hockey
fans. Yours too.
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00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:27,847
Oh, so can I try one on? No.
213
00:12:27,847 --> 00:12:29,482
We have a great show for you
tonight.
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00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:34,387
Mumford and sons is here. Stick
around. We'll be right back.
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00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:50,704
>>> GO RICKY!
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00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:51,838
GO RICKY!
217
00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:53,306
GO RICKY!
218
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:54,474
GO RICKY!
219
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:57,510
>> YOU GUYS, STOP.
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00:12:57,510 --> 00:13:00,146
WE HAVE A MATH TEST TODAY.
221
00:13:00,146 --> 00:13:00,847
>> WHO EVEN CARES ABOUT MATH
222
00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:04,284
WHEN YOU CAN DO THIS?
223
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,952
>> OKAY, EVERYBODY SILENT RIGHT
224
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,154
NOW, OKAY?
225
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:11,725
MR. JACOB, SIT DOWN YESTERDAY.
226
00:13:11,725 --> 00:13:13,126
>> SORRY, JUST PLAYING.
227
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:17,397
>> NOT TODAY, GUYS.
228
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:20,700
I AM IN A BAD MOOD, OKAY?
229
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:23,970
>> DANG, MR. FRANZY, IS
230
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:24,637
EVERYTHING OKAY?
231
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,740
>> NO, EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY.
232
00:13:26,740 --> 00:13:29,776
THIS MORNING, MY WIFE SPILLED MY
233
00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:32,946
COFFEE ALL OVER MY BODY.
234
00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:34,681
AND MY COFFEE WAS EVERYWHERE.
235
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:40,653
AND MY BODY WAS ON FIRE.
236
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,422
SO I CALL MY BUDDY AND HE CAME
237
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:45,325
OVER AND HE COVER MY BODY FROM
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00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,093
MY FEET UNTIL MY HEAD.
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00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:50,563
OKAY?
240
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:51,264
>> WOW.
241
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,466
SORRY THAT HAPPENED TO YOU, MR.
242
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:53,800
FRANZY.
243
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,636
>> IT'S OKAY, GUYS.
244
00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:59,005
I JUST LETTING YOU KNOW THAT
245
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:01,107
TODAY IS NOT THE DAY TO PLAY
246
00:14:01,107 --> 00:14:04,044
WITH MR. FRANZY.
247
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:05,812
NOW PLEASE, TAKE A QUIZ AND
248
00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:12,152
PASSING IT TO YOUR NEIGHBORS.
249
00:14:12,152 --> 00:14:16,356
THIS IS A BIG QUIZ, GUYS.
250
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:16,890
[ LAUGHTER ]
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00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:17,791
IT COUNT FOR 65% OF YOUR GRADE,
252
00:14:17,791 --> 00:14:21,361
OKAY?
253
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,095
THAT'S A LOT OF PERCENT OF YOUR
254
00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:25,198
GRADE, GUYS.
255
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:25,732
[ LAUGHTER ]
256
00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,834
SO I NEED A SILENCE IN HERE.
257
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,302
NO JOKES.
258
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:30,704
NO COMMENTS FROM THE PENIS
259
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:31,071
GALLERY.
260
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:35,809
[ LAUGHTER ]
261
00:14:35,809 --> 00:14:38,411
OKAY, I'M SORRY, WHAT IS SO
262
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:38,712
FUNNY?
263
00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:41,081
>> SERIOUSLY, DUDE, YOU JUST
264
00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:42,248
SAID PENIS.
265
00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:43,316
>> NO, NO, NO.
266
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,785
PENIS.
267
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:46,186
[ LAUGHTER ]
268
00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:49,289
LIKE THE SNACK.
269
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,358
AS IN MY WIFE IS DEFINITELY
270
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:51,858
ALLERGIC TO PENIS.
271
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:55,829
[ LAUGHTER ]
272
00:14:55,829 --> 00:14:56,763
FOR ME, I LOVE PENIS.
273
00:14:56,763 --> 00:14:59,766
[ LAUGHTER ]
274
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:02,635
BUT MY BIGGEST STRUGGLE IN MY
275
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:05,338
LIFE IS KEEPING MY PENIS AWAY
276
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,940
FROM MY WIFE.
277
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:07,340
[ LAUGHTER ]
278
00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:09,042
>> STOP SAYING PENIS!
279
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:14,314
>> STOP THIS!
280
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:17,050
OH, OH, OH!
281
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:22,088
FOCUS ON THE QUIZ, GUYS.
282
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,657
[ LAUGHTER ]
283
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:28,762
VERY GOOD, GUYS.
284
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:29,863
THIS IS WHAT I LIKE TO BE
285
00:15:29,863 --> 00:15:31,264
SEEING, GUYS.
286
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,298
VERY QUIET.
287
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:32,866
VERY NICE.
288
00:15:32,866 --> 00:15:33,967
I LIKE IT.
289
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:34,334
>> UH --
290
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:37,604
[ LAUGHTER ]
291
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,439
YO, MR. FRANZY --
292
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,908
>> WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE
293
00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:42,709
TO SAY TO ME?
294
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,477
>> NO, IT'S JUST THAT THIS TEST
295
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:45,278
DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
296
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,146
THE FIRST QUESTION IS, WHAT IS
297
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,515
THE SQUARE AND WHO IS HIS WIFE?
298
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:51,618
[ LAUGHTER ]
299
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,788
>> COME ON, GUYS.
300
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,890
YOU KNOW THIS.
301
00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:58,725
YOU KNOW THE SQUARE WIFE.
302
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:05,031
HIS WIFE IS THE RHOMBUS.
303
00:16:05,031 --> 00:16:05,732
NOW, I AM --
304
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:06,132
[ LAUGHTER ]
305
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:09,269
SILENCE.
306
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:12,238
AND NOW I WILL BRIEFLY GO TO THE
307
00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:15,408
BATHROOM AND PRIVATELY REAPPLY
308
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:16,643
THE ALOE VERA EVERYWHERE IN MY
309
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,846
BODY, OKAY?
310
00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:21,314
I TRUST YOU GUYS TO BE MY LITTLE
311
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:22,449
ANGELS FROM JESUS, OKAY?
312
00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:28,054
[ LAUGHTER ]
313
00:16:28,054 --> 00:16:31,358
THIS IS A BIG QUIZ, GUYS.
314
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:31,958
I'M PROUD OF YOU GUYS.
315
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:35,295
[ LAUGHTER ]
316
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:35,762
>> DO IT, DO IT!
317
00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:41,501
>> DO IT.
318
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:42,068
>> OKAY, YOU GUYS.
319
00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:43,169
[ LAUGHTER ]
320
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:47,374
I AM MR. FRANZY.
321
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:53,646
MY WIFE IS DEADLY ALLERGIC TO MY
322
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:54,080
PEE-PEE.
323
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:54,948
>> GO OFF, RITCHIE.
324
00:16:54,948 --> 00:16:56,516
>> AND THE CRAZY THING IS -- I
325
00:16:56,516 --> 00:17:03,323
HAVE NO IDEA THAT NOBODY EVEN
326
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:03,857
LIKE ME.
327
00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:06,760
[ AUDIENCE MOANING ]
328
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,128
>> REALLY, GUYS?
329
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:11,031
[ LAUGHTER ]
330
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:12,399
THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK OF ME,
331
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,566
MR. DIEGO?
332
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,869
>> I'M SORRY, MR. FRANZY, I WAS
333
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:16,403
JUST JOKING AROUND.
334
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:19,839
>> WOW.
335
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:22,242
THIS IS ONE OF THE DARKEST DAYS.
336
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:22,642
[ LAUGHTER ]
337
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:25,345
OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.
338
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:26,079
I DID NOT THINK THAT MY HEART
339
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:29,082
COULD BE BROKEN LIKE THIS.
340
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,817
>> OH NO, MR. FRANZY, PLEASE
341
00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:40,160
DON'T CRY.
342
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,629
>> YO, WHY DOES HE SOUND LIKE A
343
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,064
RING TONE?
344
00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:47,233
[ LAUGHTER ]
345
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,703
>> YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND.
346
00:17:49,703 --> 00:17:55,275
I CAME TO THIS COUNTRY IN 1997
347
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:56,843
ALL FOR THE DREAM OF ONE DAY
348
00:17:56,843 --> 00:18:00,714
TEACHING YOU GUYS ABOUT THE
349
00:18:00,714 --> 00:18:05,585
RHOMBUS AND HER FIANCEE, THE
350
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,052
SQUARE.
351
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:10,256
AND NOW YOU DESTROY MY BODY AND
352
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,591
MY HEART.
353
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:12,258
>> NO.
354
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,193
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SUBJECT
355
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:13,626
THIS CLASS IS.
356
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,795
[ LAUGHTER ]
357
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:18,531
>> YOU GUYS, I THINK WE ALL OWE
358
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:20,767
MR. FRANZY AN APOLOGY.
359
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,636
>> THANK YOU, ANJA, YOU HAVE A
360
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:24,237
HEART OF GOLD.
361
00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:26,306
>> WE'RE SORRY, MR. FRANZY.
362
00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,041
WE ONLY MAKE FUN OF YOU BECAUSE
363
00:18:28,041 --> 00:18:30,810
YOU'RE LIKE ONE OF US.
364
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:32,445
BUT I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO
365
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:36,383
SAY IS -- WE LOVE YOU, MR.
366
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:36,716
FRANZY.
367
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:38,818
[ LAUGHTER ]
368
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,053
>> MR. DIEGO.
369
00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:42,956
YOU MEAN IT?
370
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:45,458
>> OKAY, GUYS.
371
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,059
WE LOVE MR. FRANZY.
372
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:48,428
>> WE LOVE YOU, MR. FRANZY.
373
00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,163
>> WE LOVE YOU, MR. FRANZY.
374
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:53,066
>> WE LOVE YOU, MR. FRANZY.
375
00:18:53,066 --> 00:18:55,735
>> I -- I MEAN -- YOUR WORDS ARE
376
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:57,137
LIKE, I LOVE YOU BETTER FROM MY
377
00:18:57,137 --> 00:19:00,040
HEART.
378
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,075
EVERYBODY GOT AN "A."
379
00:19:02,075 --> 00:19:04,344
>> EVERYBODY -- FRANZY!
380
00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:05,278
FRANZY!
381
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:05,612
FRANZY!
382
00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:08,114
FRANZY!
383
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:08,848
>> I LOVE YOU GUYS, I LOVE YOU
384
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,050
GUYS!
385
00:19:10,050 --> 00:19:12,652
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
386
00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:20,560
>>> IT TURNS OUT THE POOR
387
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,796
BASTARD HAD WORN HIS RIDING
388
00:19:22,796 --> 00:19:23,530
BOOTS TO LUNCHEON.
389
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:26,266
>> OH, THE ABSOLUTE SHAME!
390
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,268
>> LORD KENLEY.
391
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:32,339
>> LADY DELLACORTE, A PLEASURE.
392
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:34,708
>> I QUITE LOOK FORWARD TO OUR
393
00:19:34,708 --> 00:19:35,475
CROQUET MATCH THIS AFTERNOON AT
394
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:36,643
MY FATHER'S ESTATE.
395
00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:37,677
>> THEN YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T
396
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,180
SEEN KENLEY PLAY.
397
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:43,550
>> WELL, I WILL LEAVE YOU
398
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:44,217
GENTLEMEN TO YOUR DISCOURSE.
399
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:45,285
GOOD DAY.
400
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,320
>> GOOD DAY.
401
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,256
>> I RESENT THAT INSULTING
402
00:19:50,256 --> 00:19:52,292
REMARK, LORD FETTINGTON, AND I
403
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,294
ASK, SIR, HOW DARE YOU.
404
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:57,263
>> HE ASKS HIM HOW HE DARES.
405
00:19:57,263 --> 00:19:59,799
>> SUCH AN AFFRONT, ACCORDING TO
406
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:02,035
THE GENTLEMAN'S CODE, PERMITS ME
407
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,269
TO REMOVE MY GLOVE AND SLAP YOUR
408
00:20:03,269 --> 00:20:07,807
FACE.
409
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,542
>> HOW DARE YOU.
410
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:13,513
I ASK TWICE, SIR, HOW DARE YOU.
411
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:14,247
I REBUKE YOU, SIR, AND GIVE IT
412
00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:16,516
TO YOU TWICE.
413
00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:22,389
>> HOW DARE YOU.
414
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:25,658
I DENY YOUR REBUT THRICEFOLD.
415
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:26,159
>> HOW DARE YOU.
416
00:20:26,159 --> 00:20:26,659
HOW DARE YOU.
417
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:27,827
>> HA!
418
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:28,528
DODGED.
419
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,296
>> HOW DARE YOU!
420
00:20:30,296 --> 00:20:33,266
>> HOW DARE YOU!
421
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:35,502
HOW TO THE ABSOLUTE DARE YOU!
422
00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:36,803
>> GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE BEGINNING
423
00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,271
TO ACT LIKE COMMONERS.
424
00:20:38,271 --> 00:20:41,274
>> HOW DARE YOU!
425
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:44,778
>> HOW DARE YOU!
426
00:20:44,778 --> 00:20:46,279
>> I AM UNGLOVED AND THEREFORE
427
00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:47,547
UNABLE TO RETORT.
428
00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:48,248
KENLEY, SLAP HIM AS MY PROXY.
429
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:48,782
>> OF COURSE.
430
00:20:48,782 --> 00:20:49,516
>> HOW DARE YOU!
431
00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:52,385
>> VERY GOOD.
432
00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:54,120
>> GENTLEMEN, STOP!
433
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:54,921
WE CAN'T LET THIS SILLINESS RUIN
434
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:56,923
THE AFTERNOON.
435
00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:57,657
WHY DON'T YOU BOTH JUST
436
00:20:57,657 --> 00:20:58,158
APOLOGIZE.
437
00:20:58,158 --> 00:20:59,392
>> APOLOGIZE?
438
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:00,894
I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG, SIR.
439
00:21:00,894 --> 00:21:02,162
HOW DARE YOU.
440
00:21:02,162 --> 00:21:04,397
>> DON'T DO IT.
441
00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:13,173
>> I SLAPPED YOU BECAUSE -- OH!
442
00:21:13,173 --> 00:21:19,379
HOW DARE YOU!
443
00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:20,647
HOW DARE YOU.
444
00:21:20,647 --> 00:21:21,348
YOU SLAPPED ME WITH A CLOSED
445
00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:24,417
FIST!
446
00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:25,151
AND THEREFORE, I'M ALLOWED TO DO
447
00:21:25,151 --> 00:21:26,419
THE SAME.
448
00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:27,921
HOW DARE YOU.
449
00:21:27,921 --> 00:21:30,890
[ LAUGHTER ]
450
00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:31,558
>> ENOUGH!
451
00:21:31,558 --> 00:21:34,160
YOU, SIR, HAVE DISOBEYED THE
452
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:34,894
GENTLEMAN'S CODE.
453
00:21:34,894 --> 00:21:35,662
SO I AM PERMITTED TO STRIKE YOU
454
00:21:35,662 --> 00:21:36,896
WITH MY CANE.
455
00:21:36,896 --> 00:21:39,733
>> DON'T DO IT.
456
00:21:39,733 --> 00:21:40,433
>> I'M SO SORRY.
457
00:21:40,433 --> 00:21:43,136
[ LAUGHTER ]
458
00:21:43,136 --> 00:21:44,170
>> GENTLEMEN, STOP THIS RABBLE
459
00:21:44,170 --> 00:21:44,904
AT ONCE, THERE ARE CHILDREN
460
00:21:44,904 --> 00:21:46,172
PRESENT.
461
00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:46,740
ARE YOU OKAY, SWEETIE?
462
00:21:46,740 --> 00:21:47,907
>> HOW DARE YOU!
463
00:21:47,907 --> 00:21:49,676
>> OH, MY GOD!
464
00:21:49,676 --> 00:21:50,243
>> HE STRUCK A WOMAN.
465
00:21:50,243 --> 00:21:51,911
>> HOW DARE YOU.
466
00:21:51,911 --> 00:21:57,250
[ LAUGHTER ]
467
00:21:57,250 --> 00:21:57,784
>> THIS MUST CEASE!
468
00:21:57,851 --> 00:21:58,885
LOOK AT THIS WOMAN'S DOG.
469
00:21:58,885 --> 00:21:59,619
THE COMMOTION HAS FRIGHTENED THE
470
00:21:59,619 --> 00:22:01,888
POOR GIRL.
471
00:22:01,888 --> 00:22:02,622
>> CEDE DEFEAT, FETTINGTON, AND
472
00:22:02,622 --> 00:22:04,591
END OUR QUARREL NOW.
473
00:22:04,591 --> 00:22:05,792
>> HA HA!
474
00:22:05,792 --> 00:22:07,060
ARE YOU MAD?
475
00:22:07,060 --> 00:22:08,061
LORD FETTINGTON WOULD NEVER BEND
476
00:22:08,061 --> 00:22:12,065
HIS KNEE SIMPLY TO APPEASE A
477
00:22:12,065 --> 00:22:16,069
FRIGHTENED LITTLE --
478
00:22:16,069 --> 00:22:16,770
HOW DARE YOU!
479
00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:18,772
>> NO --
480
00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:22,409
>> HOW DARE --
481
00:22:22,409 --> 00:22:23,076
>> YEP, IT SEEMS I HAVE
482
00:22:23,076 --> 00:22:24,077
[ BLEEP ] MYSELF.
483
00:22:24,077 --> 00:22:24,744
I CEDE DEFEAT.
484
00:22:24,744 --> 00:22:25,278
WELL DONE.
485
00:22:25,278 --> 00:22:26,279
>> GLAD THAT'S SETTLED.
486
00:22:26,279 --> 00:22:28,314
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE
487
00:22:28,314 --> 00:22:29,716
TO RETRIEVE MY SON WHO I KICKED
488
00:22:29,716 --> 00:22:30,717
ACROSS THE PARK.
489
00:22:30,717 --> 00:22:31,217
>> HOW DARE YOU.
490
00:22:31,217 --> 00:22:32,285
I'M KIDDING.
491
00:22:32,285 --> 00:22:33,453
GOOD DAY.
492
00:22:33,453 --> 00:22:36,823
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
493
00:22:40,927 --> 00:22:42,862
Well,
494
00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:45,398
first
you take me to dinner like this,
495
00:22:45,398 --> 00:22:48,601
and then you take me to the same
ice rink with we first met.
496
00:22:48,601 --> 00:22:51,237
I mean, this is the perfect
first year anniversary,
497
00:22:51,237 --> 00:22:56,409
and I haven't even proposed yet.
Wait, what?
498
00:22:56,409 --> 00:22:59,879
Candace Lorraine Dugan,
499
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,314
will you marry me?
500
00:23:01,314 --> 00:23:03,850
Oh my God.
501
00:23:03,850 --> 00:23:05,852
Casper.
502
00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:08,388
I'm sorry, I can't.
503
00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:12,592
Why? I'm having so much fun.
Danny.
504
00:23:12,592 --> 00:23:15,962
I'm so glad.
505
00:23:15,962 --> 00:23:18,264
I can't say yes right
now. Bryce.
506
00:23:18,264 --> 00:23:22,769
Danny, wait up fast, folks.
507
00:23:22,769 --> 00:23:24,170
Why can't you say yes?
508
00:23:24,170 --> 00:23:26,806
I don't know, it
just doesn't feel right yet.
509
00:23:26,806 --> 00:23:30,810
You guys,
you guys look, our little plane.
510
00:23:30,810 --> 00:23:33,279
I mean,
do you think that we're ready?
511
00:23:33,279 --> 00:23:36,583
Hey, I know you.
512
00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:38,985
Get back here.
513
00:23:38,985 --> 00:23:41,921
Please say something. Casper.
514
00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:45,258
Those three men are having
the best time.
515
00:23:45,258 --> 00:23:45,792
What?
516
00:23:45,792 --> 00:23:46,526
Those guys.
517
00:23:47,093 --> 00:23:49,829
I've never seen grown men having
such, like, genuine, pure fun.
518
00:23:49,829 --> 00:23:51,865
Like, how old are they?
519
00:23:51,865 --> 00:23:53,767
This train lost its caboose.
520
00:23:53,767 --> 00:23:57,704
Danny, why did you let go?
Because I was laughing too much.
521
00:23:57,704 --> 00:24:01,675
God, I love being in my 40s.
522
00:24:01,675 --> 00:24:03,710
They're in their 40s.
523
00:24:03,710 --> 00:24:06,379
Okay. I'm so glad that's what
you're focused on right now.
524
00:24:06,379 --> 00:24:07,847
Sorry if I'm a little scattered.
525
00:24:07,847 --> 00:24:09,716
Candace, you just told me
you didn't love me.
526
00:24:09,716 --> 00:24:10,250
Stop it.
527
00:24:10,316 --> 00:24:16,389
You know that I love you.
528
00:24:16,389 --> 00:24:18,692
And I know I'm
going to be with you forever.
529
00:24:18,692 --> 00:24:21,227
Oh, I feel so free.
530
00:24:21,227 --> 00:24:25,932
I feel like
Alyssa Liu right now
531
00:24:25,932 --> 00:24:29,202
I just don't know if I'm ready
to start forever. Right now.
532
00:24:29,202 --> 00:24:34,441
Whoa, whoa. Such a girlfriend.
533
00:24:34,441 --> 00:24:35,809
Sorry. What did you say?
534
00:24:35,809 --> 00:24:38,078
See? See,
this is what I'm talking about.
535
00:24:38,078 --> 00:24:40,080
I'm always fighting
for your attention.
536
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,249
I'm sorry I can't get a read
on these guys.
537
00:24:43,249 --> 00:24:46,386
Best bachelor party ever.
538
00:24:46,386 --> 00:24:48,455
This is a bachelor party.
539
00:24:48,455 --> 00:24:51,324
I cannot believe you right
now. Candace!
540
00:24:51,324 --> 00:24:55,495
Come on, don't cry. Oh, my gosh,
you guys.
541
00:24:55,495 --> 00:24:58,198
Look who finally showed up.
542
00:24:58,198 --> 00:25:02,035
Hudson!
543
00:25:22,422 --> 00:25:23,757
so glad you're here.
544
00:25:23,757 --> 00:25:29,362
I know, it's pretty great. Hey,
sorry I'm late, fellas,
545
00:25:29,362 --> 00:25:31,498
but I have a serious question.
546
00:25:31,498 --> 00:25:34,334
Yeah.
547
00:25:34,334 --> 00:25:38,238
Who's ready
to skate their butts off?
548
00:25:38,238 --> 00:25:40,273
Huntsman's hilarious.
549
00:25:40,273 --> 00:25:42,075
And a lot of my issues
are my own.
550
00:25:42,075 --> 00:25:42,609
Like,
551
00:25:42,942 --> 00:25:44,744
sometimes I think
that I don't deserve you,
552
00:25:44,744 --> 00:25:48,248
and you've just got so much on
your plate, it's like, who am I?
553
00:25:48,248 --> 00:25:49,683
You know
554
00:25:49,683 --> 00:25:50,583
what?
555
00:25:50,583 --> 00:25:54,854
Come on. Ride that
train and ride it.
556
00:25:54,854 --> 00:26:00,026
I've never felt so cool.
557
00:26:00,026 --> 00:26:01,394
How is that even possible?
558
00:26:01,394 --> 00:26:03,530
I don't know, it's
just how I feel.
559
00:26:03,530 --> 00:26:04,698
No, I. Sorry.
560
00:26:04,698 --> 00:26:06,833
I meant, like, how is ice
skating in a four person train
561
00:26:06,833 --> 00:26:07,534
the coolest that
562
00:26:07,767 --> 00:26:10,537
that guy has ever felt. Stop
using those guys
563
00:26:10,537 --> 00:26:13,707
as a distraction
and talk to me, Caspar.
564
00:26:13,707 --> 00:26:18,211
I stay like an Egyptian and.
565
00:26:18,211 --> 00:26:20,847
Okay, that's going viral.
566
00:26:20,847 --> 00:26:24,451
You guys are going to be famous.
567
00:26:24,451 --> 00:26:25,618
Tell me.
568
00:26:25,618 --> 00:26:28,355
Tell me what you're thinking
right now. And please be honest.
569
00:26:28,355 --> 00:26:31,658
I mean, honestly,
I'm thinking that there's
570
00:26:31,658 --> 00:26:35,762
no way the Egyptian thing goes
viral, right?
571
00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:38,865
Oh, okay. Okay. Good bye.
Caspar. Candace, wait.
572
00:26:38,865 --> 00:26:40,567
Okay. You're right. I'm sorry.
573
00:26:40,567 --> 00:26:43,903
I have felt distracted,
but we can work through it.
574
00:26:43,903 --> 00:26:46,940
Back where? It's back.
All right.
575
00:26:46,940 --> 00:26:49,242
Oh, my God,
we're backwards again.
576
00:26:49,242 --> 00:26:50,877
You guys slow down.
577
00:26:50,877 --> 00:26:52,946
If I fall, Kendrick
Lamar is literally going
578
00:26:52,946 --> 00:26:56,082
to need
to find himself a new producer.
579
00:26:56,082 --> 00:26:58,818
I don't understand,
580
00:26:58,818 --> 00:26:59,252
right?
581
00:26:59,252 --> 00:27:00,020
Like,
582
00:27:00,420 --> 00:27:04,424
how is that guy in any way
associated with Kendrick Lamar?
583
00:27:04,424 --> 00:27:07,927
I'm not talking
about those guys.
584
00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:09,929
You know what?
585
00:27:09,929 --> 00:27:11,831
Maybe this is a sign.
586
00:27:11,831 --> 00:27:15,702
Maybe what? We both actually
need is some time apart.
587
00:27:15,702 --> 00:27:19,072
Okay. Sounds good.
I'm gonna hang with these guys.
588
00:27:19,072 --> 00:27:21,675
I have
to figure out their secret.
589
00:27:21,675 --> 00:27:24,411
Our secret? One word.
590
00:27:24,411 --> 00:27:29,282
Tag. 0h!!
591
00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:45,231
Okay, so
592
00:27:45,231 --> 00:27:47,067
if I'm in a party
and there are five chicks
593
00:27:47,067 --> 00:27:50,270
I like and four of them leave,
594
00:27:50,270 --> 00:27:53,139
then I have one chick remaining.
595
00:27:53,139 --> 00:27:56,743
Oh, yes. Dude,
you just nailed some traction.
596
00:27:56,743 --> 00:28:00,280
Well, I got it because you
put it in terms I understand.
597
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,850
Hot as chicas.
598
00:28:03,850 --> 00:28:09,889
Hey, turkeys,
can I say something?
599
00:28:09,889 --> 00:28:12,225
Look, I know
we got off on the wrong foot.
600
00:28:12,225 --> 00:28:14,728
With all those pranks
I pulled on you.
601
00:28:14,728 --> 00:28:16,429
Like when I put peanut butter
on your crack
602
00:28:16,429 --> 00:28:19,399
and unleashed a pack of dogs or.
603
00:28:19,399 --> 00:28:21,601
Or when I pantsed you
at the dance
604
00:28:21,601 --> 00:28:24,871
and started playing your ass
cheeks like bongos.
605
00:28:24,871 --> 00:28:30,643
That was funny. Yeah. Yeah.
Point is, I was wrong about you.
606
00:28:30,643 --> 00:28:32,045
You're
not such a dweeb after all.
607
00:28:32,045 --> 00:28:35,548
Turkeys. You know what?
608
00:28:35,548 --> 00:28:38,852
Come sit next to me at lunch
tomorrow. Are you.
609
00:28:38,852 --> 00:28:43,156
Are you serious with the cool
kids? Yeah.
610
00:28:43,156 --> 00:28:44,391
I'd be honored.
611
00:28:44,391 --> 00:28:46,226
Of course.
612
00:28:46,226 --> 00:28:51,097
Oh. And
bring your good sandwich.
613
00:28:51,097 --> 00:28:58,138
Bye. Bye. Wow.
614
00:28:58,138 --> 00:29:00,140
Wait, P.J.,
before you go, there's
615
00:29:00,140 --> 00:29:02,375
something I wanted to show you.
616
00:29:02,375 --> 00:29:02,575
Yeah.
617
00:29:02,709 --> 00:29:02,909
What's up?
618
00:29:03,009 --> 00:29:08,915
Dude?
619
00:29:17,757 --> 00:29:20,360
Thank you
for coming to my house.
620
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:23,797
Thank you
for coming to my house.
621
00:29:23,797 --> 00:29:28,368
I don't.
622
00:29:28,368 --> 00:29:30,737
Thank you
for coming to my house.
623
00:29:30,737 --> 00:29:33,406
You got a fat ass
like Mickey Mouse.
624
00:29:33,406 --> 00:29:36,076
You're gonna like
being friends with me.
625
00:29:36,076 --> 00:29:38,645
Maybe
we can even start a family.
626
00:29:38,645 --> 00:29:41,314
Maybe
we can even start a family.
627
00:29:41,314 --> 00:29:44,050
Maybe
we can even start a family.
628
00:29:44,050 --> 00:29:45,051
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
629
00:29:45,185 --> 00:29:48,655
thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you. I love you, P.J..
630
00:29:52,325 --> 00:29:54,627
Yeah.
631
00:29:54,627 --> 00:29:58,198
Oh, thanks.
632
00:29:58,198 --> 00:30:02,335
Thank
you for coming to my house.
633
00:30:02,335 --> 00:30:03,670
So, see you at lunch tomorrow.
634
00:30:03,670 --> 00:30:08,274
Bring my good sandwich.
635
00:30:08,274 --> 00:30:10,777
No, no, I,
636
00:30:10,777 --> 00:30:15,181
I forgot to have lunch
at another school tomorrow.
637
00:30:15,181 --> 00:30:17,550
Maybe next year.
638
00:30:17,550 --> 00:30:20,887
Was it the song?
639
00:30:20,887 --> 00:30:22,522
Kind of.
640
00:30:22,522 --> 00:30:22,889
Yeah.
641
00:30:23,289 --> 00:30:24,057
The whole thing
made me feel like
642
00:30:24,057 --> 00:30:28,695
my head was being held
underwater.
643
00:30:28,695 --> 00:30:30,263
Hey, sunshine. How you doing?
644
00:30:30,263 --> 00:30:32,132
Oh, PJ.
645
00:30:32,132 --> 00:30:36,770
Oh. Coolest kid in school.
646
00:30:36,770 --> 00:30:38,271
Oh, it's so great
to see you here.
647
00:30:38,271 --> 00:30:40,640
I'm actually glad you're
still here, because, well,
648
00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:42,308
my wife and I just wanted to
649
00:30:42,308 --> 00:30:44,110
thank you for spending some time
with that boy.
650
00:30:44,110 --> 00:30:44,744
Yeah. Yeah.
651
00:30:45,245 --> 00:30:47,781
Ever since, the diagnosis
last summer, things have just.
652
00:30:47,781 --> 00:30:51,651
I'm so sorry. Things
have just been hard for him, so.
653
00:30:51,651 --> 00:30:55,755
Whoa. Diagnosis. I know Dr.
Chris was sick.
654
00:30:55,755 --> 00:31:02,495
Yeah, yeah, he has long cold,
like, just a very long cold. So,
655
00:31:02,495 --> 00:31:04,731
anyway, PJ,
it's been a struggle for Fergus,
656
00:31:04,731 --> 00:31:08,835
and this means a lot to us.
Yes. Jeez.
657
00:31:08,835 --> 00:31:10,970
Now I feel bad.
658
00:31:10,970 --> 00:31:14,374
Dirk, listen.
659
00:31:14,374 --> 00:31:16,609
I shouldn't have judged
your song.
660
00:31:16,609 --> 00:31:20,113
You were just trying to express
yourself and pursue greatness.
661
00:31:20,113 --> 00:31:23,316
And as Timothy
Charlemagne recently taught us.
662
00:31:23,316 --> 00:31:26,119
That's cool. Now,
663
00:31:26,119 --> 00:31:28,488
for the first time ever.
664
00:31:28,488 --> 00:31:32,392
And as that ice skating girl
with the striped hair taught us,
665
00:31:32,392 --> 00:31:37,831
you can still be a baddy even
if you're a little cracked up.
666
00:31:37,831 --> 00:31:41,201
Look.
667
00:31:41,201 --> 00:31:43,636
What I'm trying to say is,
668
00:31:43,636 --> 00:31:49,943
come sit with me at lunch
tomorrow. Bye.
669
00:31:49,943 --> 00:31:51,678
You mean it?
670
00:31:51,678 --> 00:31:55,548
Yeah. And, hey,
bring you your good sandwich.
671
00:31:55,548 --> 00:31:57,117
Oh. It's great.
672
00:31:57,117 --> 00:32:05,892
P.J.,
can we just say before you go?
673
00:32:05,892 --> 00:32:08,328
Thank you for eating lunch
with our son.
674
00:32:08,328 --> 00:32:11,131
Thank you for eating lunch
with our son.
675
00:32:11,131 --> 00:32:13,767
He's a weird kid.
And you're a hunk.
676
00:32:13,767 --> 00:32:16,369
Thank you
for eating lunch with our son.
677
00:32:16,369 --> 00:32:17,704
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you,
678
00:32:17,704 --> 00:32:19,372
thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you.
679
00:32:19,372 --> 00:32:20,707
We're in love with you, PJ.
680
00:32:25,578 --> 00:32:27,080
Guys, I'm not going to lie.
681
00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:27,981
Y'all are one of the weirdest
682
00:32:27,981 --> 00:32:30,483
families
I've ever met in my life.
683
00:32:30,483 --> 00:32:33,553
And it freaks me out
that you all have red hair.
684
00:32:33,553 --> 00:32:35,155
It's like you're
trying to preserve a community
685
00:32:35,155 --> 00:32:37,090
or something.
686
00:32:37,090 --> 00:32:43,396
He's onto us.
687
00:32:43,396 --> 00:32:44,264
You know.
688
00:32:44,264 --> 00:32:47,300
But then I realized something.
689
00:32:47,300 --> 00:32:51,771
Sometimes being weird
is the coolest thing there is.
690
00:32:51,771 --> 00:32:54,474
Look, you don't need to come
sit with me, turkeys,
691
00:32:54,474 --> 00:32:58,111
cause
I'm going to come sit with you.
692
00:32:58,111 --> 00:33:04,117
And, hey,
bring you good sandwich.
693
00:33:05,952 --> 00:33:08,621
Thank you for letting me
come to your house.
694
00:33:08,621 --> 00:33:11,191
I could kiss you.
All right. On the mouth.
695
00:33:11,191 --> 00:33:12,492
Thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you,
696
00:33:12,492 --> 00:33:13,793
thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
697
00:33:35,749 --> 00:33:36,850
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
698
00:33:36,850 --> 00:33:37,951
MUMFORD & SONS!
699
00:33:37,951 --> 00:33:41,087
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
700
00:33:41,087 --> 00:33:42,255
♪♪
701
00:33:42,255 --> 00:33:48,561
♪♪
702
00:33:48,561 --> 00:33:51,097
♪ WHEN YOU CAN'T WIN
703
00:33:51,097 --> 00:33:52,565
FOR LOSING
704
00:33:52,565 --> 00:33:54,567
AND THE BEGGARS
705
00:33:54,567 --> 00:33:56,102
START CHOOSING ♪
706
00:33:56,102 --> 00:33:59,739
♪ THE CHAOS IN YOUR HEAD
707
00:33:59,739 --> 00:34:01,174
CAUSE THE CRACKS
708
00:34:01,174 --> 00:34:03,677
TO START SHOWING ♪
709
00:34:03,677 --> 00:34:05,412
♪ ALL KNOWING, ALL GLOWING
710
00:34:05,412 --> 00:34:10,917
WITH THE LIGHT OF THE
711
00:34:10,917 --> 00:34:16,423
DYING TO RAISE THE DEAD OH ♪
712
00:34:16,423 --> 00:34:19,192
♪ YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY
713
00:34:19,192 --> 00:34:21,394
BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪
714
00:34:21,394 --> 00:34:22,429
♪ I KNOW YOU BY YOUR HEART
715
00:34:22,429 --> 00:34:22,896
I WILL CALL YOU
716
00:34:22,896 --> 00:34:25,899
BY YOUR NAME ♪
717
00:34:25,899 --> 00:34:27,934
♪ AND IT'S A LONG WAY
718
00:34:27,934 --> 00:34:29,936
FROM THE CRACK
719
00:34:29,936 --> 00:34:30,970
TO THE BREAK ♪
720
00:34:30,970 --> 00:34:32,172
♪ YOU KNOW THAT
721
00:34:32,172 --> 00:34:35,942
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪
722
00:34:35,942 --> 00:34:43,917
♪♪
723
00:34:43,917 --> 00:34:46,686
♪ STEADY YOURSELF
724
00:34:46,686 --> 00:34:48,455
AND YOUR TUMBLEWEED WORDS
725
00:34:48,455 --> 00:34:49,422
BE A STREET CORNER
726
00:34:49,422 --> 00:34:50,657
PREACHER ♪
727
00:34:50,657 --> 00:34:53,193
♪ OR JUST FEED THE BIRDS
728
00:34:53,193 --> 00:34:55,428
BUT DON'T HOLD TO YOURSELF
729
00:34:55,428 --> 00:34:57,430
WITH HARD MORTAR AND STONE ♪
730
00:34:57,430 --> 00:34:59,699
♪ BE A RUBBER BAND MAN
731
00:34:59,699 --> 00:35:04,671
MAKE THE WATER YOUR BONES ♪
732
00:35:04,671 --> 00:35:11,811
♪ DYING JUST TO LIVE
733
00:35:11,811 --> 00:35:13,046
NOW YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY
734
00:35:13,046 --> 00:35:16,049
BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪
735
00:35:16,049 --> 00:35:17,317
♪ I KNOW YOU BY YOUR HEART
736
00:35:17,317 --> 00:35:18,818
AND I WILL CALL YOU
737
00:35:18,818 --> 00:35:20,553
BY YOUR NAME ♪
738
00:35:20,553 --> 00:35:22,555
♪ AND IT'S A LONG WAY
739
00:35:22,555 --> 00:35:23,790
FROM THE CRACK
740
00:35:23,790 --> 00:35:26,559
TO THE BREAK ♪
741
00:35:26,559 --> 00:35:27,560
♪ YOU KNOW THAT
742
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:30,296
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪
743
00:35:30,296 --> 00:35:31,331
♪ WHEN I SAID FOREVER
744
00:35:31,331 --> 00:35:32,532
YOU SAID
745
00:35:32,532 --> 00:35:34,567
GET BACK IN THE CAR ♪
746
00:35:34,567 --> 00:35:35,802
♪ NOTHING LASTS FOREVER BABE
747
00:35:35,802 --> 00:35:36,803
YOU KNOW IT
748
00:35:36,803 --> 00:35:43,076
BREAKS MY HEART ♪
749
00:35:43,076 --> 00:35:46,546
♪ AND I'LL CALL YOU ANYTHING
750
00:35:46,546 --> 00:35:55,288
THAT YOU LIKE ♪
751
00:35:55,288 --> 00:36:00,026
♪ I AM FREE AND I'M ABLE
752
00:36:00,026 --> 00:36:03,329
TO CALL YOU THE
753
00:36:03,329 --> 00:36:12,305
SECOND THAT YOU DIE ♪
754
00:36:12,305 --> 00:36:16,309
♪ JUST TO LIVE NOW
755
00:36:16,309 --> 00:36:17,077
YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY
756
00:36:17,077 --> 00:36:19,546
BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪
757
00:36:19,546 --> 00:36:20,814
♪ I KNOW YOU BY YOUR HEART
758
00:36:20,814 --> 00:36:22,082
AND I WILL CALL YOU
759
00:36:22,082 --> 00:36:23,783
BY YOUR NAME ♪
760
00:36:23,783 --> 00:36:25,819
♪ AND IT'S A LONG WAY
761
00:36:25,819 --> 00:36:31,358
FROM THE CRACK
762
00:36:31,358 --> 00:36:32,292
TO THE BREAK ♪
763
00:36:32,292 --> 00:36:33,059
♪ YOU KNOW THAT
764
00:36:33,059 --> 00:36:34,060
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪
765
00:36:34,060 --> 00:36:35,061
♪ WHEN I SAID FOREVER
766
00:36:35,061 --> 00:36:36,296
YOU SAID
767
00:36:36,296 --> 00:36:38,298
GET BACK IN THE CAR ♪
768
00:36:38,298 --> 00:36:40,300
♪ NOTHING LASTS FOREVER BABE
769
00:36:40,300 --> 00:36:41,301
YOU KNOW IT
770
00:36:41,301 --> 00:36:43,069
BREAKS MY HEART ♪
771
00:36:43,069 --> 00:36:46,573
♪ YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY
772
00:36:46,573 --> 00:36:48,074
BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪
773
00:36:48,074 --> 00:36:49,075
♪ YOU KNOW THAT
774
00:36:49,075 --> 00:36:53,546
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪
775
00:36:53,546 --> 00:36:54,547
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
776
00:36:54,547 --> 00:37:00,086
♪♪
777
00:37:00,086 --> 00:37:01,054
♪ NEW INK ON YOUR SKIN
778
00:37:01,054 --> 00:37:02,088
RED LIPS IN THE DARK ♪
779
00:37:02,088 --> 00:37:03,056
♪ NOTHING LASTS FOREVER BABE
780
00:37:03,056 --> 00:37:03,823
YOU KNOW IT
781
00:37:03,823 --> 00:37:05,792
BREAKS MY HEART ♪
782
00:37:05,792 --> 00:37:07,794
♪ PUT A SHIVER ON YOUR SKIN
783
00:37:07,794 --> 00:37:10,563
DO YOUR HAIR IN THE CAR ♪
784
00:37:10,563 --> 00:37:11,297
♪ IF NOTHING LASTS
785
00:37:11,297 --> 00:37:14,434
FOREVER BABE
786
00:37:14,434 --> 00:37:16,536
CAN WE MAKE A START ♪♪
787
00:37:16,536 --> 00:37:25,512
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
788
00:37:39,292 --> 00:37:45,298
It's Weekend Update with Colin
Jost and Michael Che.
789
00:37:50,804 --> 00:37:52,305
Good evening everyone.
790
00:37:52,305 --> 00:37:53,973
Welcome the weekend update I'm
Michael che.
791
00:37:53,973 --> 00:37:57,877
I'm Colin Jost.
792
00:37:57,877 --> 00:37:59,679
Well, guys,
I'm starting to worry
793
00:37:59,679 --> 00:38:03,483
that President Trump
might not win that peace prize
794
00:38:03,483 --> 00:38:06,586
after launching a massive
military strike against Iran.
795
00:38:06,586 --> 00:38:09,289
Trump announced hours ago
that they officially killed
796
00:38:09,289 --> 00:38:11,891
the Supreme
Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei,
797
00:38:11,891 --> 00:38:18,765
and replaced him with, oh
my God, the guy from Venezuela.
798
00:38:18,765 --> 00:38:21,067
This attack might be a bad idea.
799
00:38:21,067 --> 00:38:23,737
I don't know, I'm
not really an expert on Iran.
800
00:38:23,737 --> 00:38:25,739
So let's hear
from someone who can explain
801
00:38:25,739 --> 00:38:28,041
why we might have done it.
802
00:38:28,041 --> 00:38:31,111
The president is good
803
00:38:31,111 --> 00:38:39,052
because he has absolutely
no influence.
804
00:38:39,052 --> 00:38:40,787
Yeah.
805
00:38:40,787 --> 00:38:41,888
Yeah.
806
00:38:41,888 --> 00:38:47,761
See, now that's the Trump
I voted for.
807
00:38:47,761 --> 00:38:51,231
Detractors on CNN are saying
that Trump had no authorization
808
00:38:51,231 --> 00:38:56,136
for this war, but he actually
did. Netanyahu said it was okay.
809
00:38:56,136 --> 00:38:58,438
I can't believe our
leader could just attack Iran
810
00:38:58,438 --> 00:39:01,041
with no vote, no permission
from Congress or anything.
811
00:39:01,041 --> 00:39:07,147
I mean, what is this Iran?
812
00:39:07,147 --> 00:39:09,349
President Trump's State
of the Union address this week
813
00:39:09,349 --> 00:39:18,692
was the longest in history,
lasting almost two full diapers.
814
00:39:18,692 --> 00:39:20,460
During the state of the Union
address,
815
00:39:20,460 --> 00:39:22,729
President Trump said,
our nation is back
816
00:39:22,729 --> 00:39:25,732
bigger, better
and stronger than ever before.
817
00:39:25,732 --> 00:39:30,337
Same said, the measles.
818
00:39:30,337 --> 00:39:30,804
The U.S.
819
00:39:31,037 --> 00:39:32,539
women's hockey team turned down
820
00:39:32,539 --> 00:39:36,543
President Trump's invitation
to attend.
821
00:39:36,543 --> 00:39:39,112
You clap
822
00:39:39,112 --> 00:39:45,652
But that only made Trump
want the more.
823
00:39:45,652 --> 00:39:48,254
President Trump angrily claimed
that Minnesota
824
00:39:48,254 --> 00:39:50,790
has been ransacked
by Somali pirates.
825
00:39:50,790 --> 00:39:56,796
But that's only because Trump's
kind of an “ARR” word.
826
00:39:59,165 --> 00:40:01,067
Andrew Mountbatten Windsor,
827
00:40:01,067 --> 00:40:07,307
the former
prince and current River corpse.
828
00:40:07,307 --> 00:40:10,510
Has been arrested
and now may be banned from ever
829
00:40:10,510 --> 00:40:11,745
taking the throne.
830
00:40:11,745 --> 00:40:14,914
In fact, the royal family said
the only way he can become king
831
00:40:14,914 --> 00:40:17,550
is if it comes
down to either him or Meghan.
832
00:40:22,489 --> 00:40:24,424
Hillary
Clinton testified this week
833
00:40:24,424 --> 00:40:25,291
and said she
834
00:40:25,358 --> 00:40:27,994
confident that Bill Clinton
had no knowledge
835
00:40:27,994 --> 00:40:29,596
of Jeffrey Epstein's crimes,
836
00:40:29,596 --> 00:40:30,196
though
837
00:40:30,430 --> 00:40:32,565
there is an outside chance
that Hillary
838
00:40:32,565 --> 00:40:36,903
sometimes doesn't know
what her husband is up to.
839
00:40:36,903 --> 00:40:38,605
It was reported
that Jeffrey Epstein
840
00:40:38,605 --> 00:40:41,241
hid photographs in secret
storage lockers
841
00:40:41,241 --> 00:40:42,609
across the country,
842
00:40:42,609 --> 00:40:44,210
but I guess he had to take a lot
843
00:40:44,210 --> 00:40:51,584
of pictures
because kids grow up so fast.
844
00:40:51,584 --> 00:40:56,389
What is this, Iran
845
00:40:56,389 --> 00:40:58,625
Researchers
have developed a new nasal
846
00:40:58,625 --> 00:41:00,794
spray vaccine
that can protect people
847
00:41:00,794 --> 00:41:04,230
against the flu, Covid
and other respiratory diseases.
848
00:41:04,230 --> 00:41:06,399
But to get it approved by RFK
849
00:41:06,399 --> 00:41:11,604
they're calling it
shark testicle creatine.
850
00:41:11,604 --> 00:41:14,307
During a Black History Month
event at the white House,
851
00:41:14,307 --> 00:41:16,843
President Trump
defended himself from criticism
852
00:41:16,843 --> 00:41:20,413
that he is racist
by listing his black friends,
853
00:41:20,413 --> 00:41:24,284
including Nicki Minaj,
Jim Brown and Mike Tyson.
854
00:41:24,284 --> 00:41:26,152
Wow, that's
two more than you Colin
855
00:41:32,192 --> 00:41:33,793
Cool.
856
00:41:34,260 --> 00:41:36,629
Well, we have a lot of news
to cover this week.
857
00:41:36,629 --> 00:41:37,397
So here to provide
858
00:41:37,797 --> 00:41:44,337
a recap of some headlines
is Beth's maid of honor, Katie.
859
00:41:44,337 --> 00:41:46,806
Hello? Hi.
860
00:41:46,806 --> 00:41:50,410
For those of you who don't know
me, my name is Katie.
861
00:41:50,410 --> 00:41:54,247
And for those of you
who do know me, I'm sorry,
862
00:41:54,247 --> 00:41:56,449
but seriously,
863
00:41:56,449 --> 00:41:58,218
I'm not here to talk about Beth.
864
00:41:58,218 --> 00:42:01,054
Her Scrabble
addiction, her dog Skittles,
865
00:42:01,054 --> 00:42:04,424
or her
best friend turned husband Cody
866
00:42:04,424 --> 00:42:06,092
forgot to do.
867
00:42:06,092 --> 00:42:08,061
No. I'm here to talk about
868
00:42:08,061 --> 00:42:13,166
the wave of narco terrorism
caused by the Mexican cartel.
869
00:42:13,166 --> 00:42:14,067
Oh, okay. Yeah.
870
00:42:14,067 --> 00:42:15,635
Good.
Diving right into the news.
871
00:42:15,635 --> 00:42:17,537
Yes, but seriously,
872
00:42:17,537 --> 00:42:20,073
El Macho,
Mexico's most wanted man
873
00:42:20,073 --> 00:42:24,477
and leader of the drug cartel,
was killed on Sunday or as Beth
874
00:42:24,477 --> 00:42:27,647
and I like to call it,
bottomless mimosa today.
875
00:42:27,647 --> 00:42:32,085
Cody, cover your ears. No,
but seriously, after him.
876
00:42:32,085 --> 00:42:33,086
And just like
877
00:42:33,086 --> 00:42:35,889
the whole new generation
cartel unleashed
878
00:42:35,889 --> 00:42:37,691
a wave of violence across
879
00:42:37,691 --> 00:42:41,194
Mexico, attacking citizens,
setting vehicles
880
00:42:41,194 --> 00:42:44,230
ablaze, and turning the city
into a ghost town.
881
00:42:44,230 --> 00:42:47,100
A ghost town,
and more like Cody cited
882
00:42:47,100 --> 00:42:49,536
the church during the ceremony.
Sorry, Cody.
883
00:42:49,536 --> 00:42:54,274
You guys all
family? No, but seriously,
884
00:42:54,274 --> 00:42:56,209
I mean,
this all seems very serious.
885
00:42:56,209 --> 00:42:56,976
I'm sorry. Katie, wait.
886
00:42:57,177 --> 00:42:58,411
I don't think
this is the most appropriate way
887
00:42:58,411 --> 00:43:00,947
to talk about some of this news.
Hell, yeah.
888
00:43:00,947 --> 00:43:05,685
Now let's leave the mood with a
little walk down memory lane.
889
00:43:05,685 --> 00:43:06,653
That's right.
890
00:43:06,653 --> 00:43:08,254
I'm talking about that steam
file.
891
00:43:08,254 --> 00:43:11,925
No, no, no,
you guys, the new emails
892
00:43:11,925 --> 00:43:15,128
publish the names of over
20,000 individuals.
893
00:43:15,128 --> 00:43:17,530
Kind of sounds like
the invite list for tonight.
894
00:43:17,530 --> 00:43:19,632
Sorry about that.
895
00:43:19,632 --> 00:43:22,302
No, seriously,
896
00:43:22,302 --> 00:43:25,705
I found it on Google
that I really love.
897
00:43:25,705 --> 00:43:26,740
When you're in jail,
898
00:43:26,740 --> 00:43:28,942
a good friend
will try to bail you out,
899
00:43:28,942 --> 00:43:32,746
but a best friend will be in
a cell next to you staying down.
900
00:43:32,746 --> 00:43:34,614
That was fun.
901
00:43:34,614 --> 00:43:37,584
And I think that pretty much
describes me and Beth,
902
00:43:37,584 --> 00:43:41,221
but also Jeffrey Epstein
and Prince Andrew. Okay.
903
00:43:41,221 --> 00:43:41,621
All right.
904
00:43:41,821 --> 00:43:43,523
We could maybe move past.
905
00:43:43,523 --> 00:43:46,126
Have seen you have a lighter
stories, maybe at the Olympics.
906
00:43:46,126 --> 00:43:49,162
You want to talk about that?
Hell, yeah. Yeah.
907
00:43:49,162 --> 00:43:52,999
Every four years, nations
gather for the Olympics.
908
00:43:52,999 --> 00:43:54,200
Which reminds me.
909
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:59,406
The war in Ukraine rages
on. It on its four year mark.
910
00:43:59,406 --> 00:44:02,442
Four years.
911
00:44:02,442 --> 00:44:05,645
That's how long it took
Cody to define the relationship.
912
00:44:05,645 --> 00:44:07,447
Oh, okay. That's pretty good.
913
00:44:07,447 --> 00:44:11,685
But seriously,
that's maid of honor. Everyone
914
00:44:11,685 --> 00:44:14,254
treat her right, Cody.
915
00:44:17,457 --> 00:44:20,360
A former Olympic
athlete who promoted the run
916
00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:24,631
walk, run strategy to running,
has died at the age of 80.
917
00:44:24,631 --> 00:44:33,740
Cause of death was listed as run
walk bus.
918
00:44:33,740 --> 00:44:36,876
Paramount has won the bidding
war to take over Warner Brothers
919
00:44:36,876 --> 00:44:40,680
Discovery after Netflix decided
to not submit another offer.
920
00:44:40,680 --> 00:44:44,084
Instead, Netflix spent an hour
scrolling around for a new offer
921
00:44:44,084 --> 00:44:47,721
before giving up
and going to bed.
922
00:44:47,721 --> 00:44:50,423
A photo from The Epstein
Files has gone viral,
923
00:44:50,423 --> 00:44:53,360
showing the late physicist
Stephen Hawking
924
00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:55,995
lying
between two women in bikinis.
925
00:44:55,995 --> 00:44:57,797
Which brings me to my segment.
926
00:44:57,797 --> 00:45:03,103
Hear me out.
927
00:45:03,103 --> 00:45:04,037
Hear me out.
928
00:45:04,037 --> 00:45:04,938
Okay.
929
00:45:04,938 --> 00:45:07,040
You can't be mad at Stephen
Hawking
930
00:45:07,040 --> 00:45:09,309
for being in this picture.
What was he supposed to do?
931
00:45:09,309 --> 00:45:12,412
Walk away.
932
00:45:12,412 --> 00:45:15,582
They basically trafficked him.
933
00:45:15,582 --> 00:45:20,620
He had no choice but to forgive
the expression. Roll with it.
934
00:45:20,620 --> 00:45:21,788
And don't forget the most
935
00:45:21,788 --> 00:45:25,859
important thing Doctor Hawking
taught us. Time is relative.
936
00:45:25,859 --> 00:45:31,364
So that means age is just a
number away. Oh. That's not.
937
00:45:31,364 --> 00:45:32,265
This has been.
938
00:45:32,265 --> 00:45:39,539
Hear me out.
939
00:45:39,539 --> 00:45:42,075
Oh, man.
940
00:45:42,075 --> 00:45:45,078
A 70 year old man is saying that
he discovered
941
00:45:45,078 --> 00:45:46,680
he had a serious heart issue
942
00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:49,249
after getting an alert
from his smart mattress.
943
00:45:49,249 --> 00:45:50,350
While a regular mattress.
944
00:45:50,350 --> 00:45:55,922
Diagnose my drinking problem
with a big old wet spot.
945
00:45:55,922 --> 00:45:58,558
Thursday was National
Small Dog Day,
946
00:45:58,558 --> 00:46:06,366
which is celebrated
every February by Hawks.
947
00:46:06,366 --> 00:46:08,735
Today is the last day of Black
History Month,
948
00:46:08,735 --> 00:46:15,475
sponsored by Tourettes.
949
00:46:15,475 --> 00:46:19,045
This show was for someone else.
950
00:46:19,045 --> 00:46:21,448
Some American Girl
doll collectors
951
00:46:21,448 --> 00:46:23,850
say they are upset
with a new line of modern
952
00:46:23,850 --> 00:46:27,620
era dolls that appear skinnier
than previous dolls.
953
00:46:27,620 --> 00:46:32,092
Skinnier now with those cankles.
954
00:46:32,092 --> 00:46:36,730
And. Actress Amanda Seyfried
955
00:46:36,730 --> 00:46:38,898
revealed in an interview
that for a scene
956
00:46:38,898 --> 00:46:42,802
in her new movie,
she used a prosthetic butt hole.
957
00:46:42,802 --> 00:46:44,204
Even more disturbing,
958
00:46:44,204 --> 00:46:49,242
the movie is Stuart
Little in the Forbidden Cave.
959
00:46:53,546 --> 00:46:55,448
Well,
the internet has fallen in love
960
00:46:55,448 --> 00:46:59,152
with a baby monkey named punch,
961
00:46:59,152 --> 00:47:00,553
who is being.
962
00:47:00,553 --> 00:47:03,623
He's being bullied
by other monkeys after his mom
963
00:47:03,623 --> 00:47:06,926
abandoned him here with her
side of the story is punch.
964
00:47:06,926 --> 00:47:09,763
His mom.
965
00:47:09,763 --> 00:47:13,366
Oh, y'all don't know me.
966
00:47:13,366 --> 00:47:16,603
You also know me.
You don't know me.
967
00:47:16,603 --> 00:47:18,104
You don't know me.
968
00:47:18,104 --> 00:47:23,877
But you, fella,
you could get to know me.
969
00:47:23,877 --> 00:47:31,418
Hey, you like my body, curly?
970
00:47:31,418 --> 00:47:35,355
I think I think
I think I'm good, but everyone,
971
00:47:35,355 --> 00:47:38,525
everyone is wondering, you know,
why did you abandon punch?
972
00:47:38,525 --> 00:47:41,261
Oh, I had a really good reason.
973
00:47:41,261 --> 00:47:44,397
Okay. What is it? I don't wanna.
974
00:47:44,397 --> 00:47:46,366
Oh! Shut up!
975
00:47:46,366 --> 00:47:52,072
Shut the hell up! You shut up.
You shut up! Shut the hell up!
976
00:47:52,072 --> 00:47:54,841
Why is everyone so mad
at punches, mom?
977
00:47:54,841 --> 00:47:56,776
What about punches, dad?
978
00:47:56,776 --> 00:48:00,447
Well, who is punches, dad? Well,
how am I supposed to know?
979
00:48:00,447 --> 00:48:05,318
I'm like a public library.
Anyone could come inside.
980
00:48:05,318 --> 00:48:09,489
Oh! Shut up! I've been
with all the A-list monkeys.
981
00:48:09,489 --> 00:48:11,624
I've been what? King Kong?
982
00:48:11,624 --> 00:48:15,028
Something
you might not expect about him.
983
00:48:15,028 --> 00:48:19,432
His penis is actually huge.
984
00:48:19,432 --> 00:48:21,735
I lost, I slept with George.
985
00:48:21,735 --> 00:48:23,436
For someone so curious,
986
00:48:23,436 --> 00:48:28,641
he sure had no interest
in finding my bean.
987
00:48:28,641 --> 00:48:33,313
Oh, well, let's just say
I was Harun Bay's last meal.
988
00:48:33,313 --> 00:48:36,750
Oh, God, I shall. Shut up!
989
00:48:36,750 --> 00:48:39,619
Shut the hell up! Kiss my. Yes!
990
00:48:39,619 --> 00:48:43,223
Kiss my monkey. Yes!
991
00:48:43,223 --> 00:48:46,693
Kiss my ass! Colin.
992
00:48:46,693 --> 00:48:50,764
You ain't my body, girl.
And I'm not.
993
00:48:50,764 --> 00:48:51,498
You know what?
994
00:48:51,498 --> 00:48:52,866
You know what punches mom?
995
00:48:52,866 --> 00:48:54,868
We actually have
a little surprise for you.
996
00:48:54,868 --> 00:48:57,437
Let's bring him out. It's punch.
997
00:48:57,437 --> 00:49:03,276
Oh, surprise!
998
00:49:03,276 --> 00:49:05,545
Hi, everybody.
999
00:49:05,545 --> 00:49:09,749
Oh! Hell no. Oh! Come on.
1000
00:49:09,749 --> 00:49:15,689
How could you
not love a face like that?
1001
00:49:15,689 --> 00:49:17,857
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
1002
00:49:17,857 --> 00:49:23,430
Why won't you love me?
1003
00:49:23,430 --> 00:49:26,733
You're breaking my heart.
1004
00:49:26,733 --> 00:49:29,803
Oh. I should get your mama
a hug.
1005
00:49:29,803 --> 00:49:34,140
Oh. Oh. Oh, man. Look at that.
1006
00:49:34,140 --> 00:49:35,442
Oh, it's a reunion.
1007
00:49:35,442 --> 00:49:40,914
That's so sweet, Carl.
And now I want another baby.
1008
00:49:40,914 --> 00:49:42,248
Oh, wait.
1009
00:49:42,248 --> 00:49:49,356
Oh, come on, Colin, you know
we share 98% of the same DNA.
1010
00:49:49,356 --> 00:49:52,058
All I'm
asking for is a little bit more.
1011
00:49:52,058 --> 00:49:57,197
Maury, you was punch
and his mom. Everyone.
1012
00:49:57,197 --> 00:49:59,599
Oh, my God.
1013
00:49:59,599 --> 00:50:02,002
For Weekend Update, I'm
Colin Jost, I'm Michael che.
1014
00:50:02,002 --> 00:50:04,838
Good night.
1015
00:50:19,019 --> 00:50:21,087
So basically
it was a whole thing.
1016
00:50:21,087 --> 00:50:23,423
And they have not talked since.
1017
00:50:23,423 --> 00:50:25,525
Wow. I did not realize you knew
1018
00:50:25,525 --> 00:50:29,095
so much about Hilary Duff
family. Yeah.
1019
00:50:29,095 --> 00:50:32,365
Just say
it's a special interest of mine.
1020
00:50:32,365 --> 00:50:36,036
Okay, so, Griff, you just
got back from a trip, right?
1021
00:50:36,036 --> 00:50:36,403
Oh, yeah.
1022
00:50:37,270 --> 00:50:39,472
I feel like you were gone for a
while. Yeah, yeah. I'm lucky.
1023
00:50:39,472 --> 00:50:42,842
You know, I had a ton of PTO,
and I figured, if not now, when?
1024
00:50:42,842 --> 00:50:45,378
Oh, wow. That's amazing.
1025
00:50:45,378 --> 00:50:47,847
You were in Europe.
Where abouts?
1026
00:50:47,847 --> 00:50:49,249
So we did Italy for a day.
1027
00:50:49,249 --> 00:50:51,484
We did Spain for a day,
and then Turkey
1028
00:50:51,484 --> 00:50:54,054
for two months, and. Oh,
1029
00:50:54,054 --> 00:50:56,256
that must
be the sheet pan nachos
1030
00:51:04,164 --> 00:51:07,834
Oh my God.
1031
00:51:07,834 --> 00:51:12,739
Griff, did you get that leg
lengthening surgery?
1032
00:51:12,739 --> 00:51:15,775
Leg lengthening, sir?
1033
00:51:15,775 --> 00:51:18,144
That's a tongue twister.
Am I right, Davis?
1034
00:51:18,144 --> 00:51:21,681
Yeah, seriously, it's like
Sheila shakes a shallow leg.
1035
00:51:21,681 --> 00:51:25,085
Like, does the surgery work?
1036
00:51:25,085 --> 00:51:27,654
Exactly. Davis.
1037
00:51:27,654 --> 00:51:30,990
Anyway,
I better go get those nachos.
1038
00:51:30,990 --> 00:51:34,094
Yeah. Oh, yeah, I am.
1039
00:51:34,094 --> 00:51:34,561
I'm fine.
1040
00:51:34,861 --> 00:51:36,129
Dude, you're like,
seven foot two.
1041
00:51:36,129 --> 00:51:39,866
Just admit you got the surgery.
Yeah, bro, you're like two.
1042
00:51:39,866 --> 00:51:43,570
Haley Duff's tall right
now. You.
1043
00:51:43,570 --> 00:51:44,938
Am I wrong?
1044
00:51:44,938 --> 00:51:50,110
We don't know. Dude.
You used to be, like five one,
1045
00:51:50,110 --> 00:51:52,445
five one.
1046
00:51:52,445 --> 00:51:55,115
You want don't have
I think I got, like,
1047
00:51:55,115 --> 00:51:57,550
maybe when I was a baby.
1048
00:51:57,550 --> 00:52:00,720
No, I specifically remember
you were five one
1049
00:52:00,720 --> 00:52:03,723
before you left for Turkey
because you dated a girl.
1050
00:52:03,723 --> 00:52:05,091
That was five two.
1051
00:52:05,091 --> 00:52:08,228
And she said,
I'll literally kill myself
1052
00:52:08,228 --> 00:52:10,764
if my boyfriend is
one inch shorter than me.
1053
00:52:10,764 --> 00:52:15,535
And unfortunately, we lost her.
1054
00:52:15,535 --> 00:52:16,736
But guys, guys.
1055
00:52:16,736 --> 00:52:20,273
Come on. Did you ever think that
maybe just Griff grew?
1056
00:52:20,273 --> 00:52:22,475
You know,
like, people have growth spurts?
1057
00:52:22,475 --> 00:52:24,744
Not when you're 31.
1058
00:52:24,744 --> 00:52:27,981
Okay, well. Well,
maybe he hit a second puberty.
1059
00:52:27,981 --> 00:52:31,217
Or, as I like to call it, a two.
Brodie.
1060
00:52:31,217 --> 00:52:34,220
Yes. Is a two. Three?
1061
00:52:34,220 --> 00:52:39,359
Yes. Dude. You're awesome.
Davis. Dude, by the way.
1062
00:52:39,359 --> 00:52:41,661
Hey, Kyle.
1063
00:52:41,661 --> 00:52:43,997
We got to do a basketball
rematch, brother.
1064
00:52:43,997 --> 00:52:46,866
What happen? Having a pow wow.
1065
00:52:46,866 --> 00:52:49,002
All right, dunk on your ass.
You're not dunking.
1066
00:52:49,002 --> 00:52:50,770
I'm not playing you
in basketball.
1067
00:52:50,770 --> 00:52:53,640
Oh, scared and so scared.
1068
00:52:53,640 --> 00:52:55,241
I've never seen him scared
like this.
1069
00:52:55,241 --> 00:53:01,614
Hey. Yeah, I am scared of
your new Turkish legs shattering
1070
00:53:01,614 --> 00:53:02,515
guys.
1071
00:53:02,515 --> 00:53:04,884
Seriously, though,
if I got the leg
1072
00:53:04,884 --> 00:53:09,155
lengthening surgery or whatever,
would I be able to do this?
1073
00:53:12,058 --> 00:53:14,861
Yes, definitely.
1074
00:53:14,861 --> 00:53:18,164
Okay, fine, I admit it.
I got the surgery.
1075
00:53:18,164 --> 00:53:19,165
Are you happy now?
1076
00:53:19,165 --> 00:53:21,768
Yeah. Seriously,
are you guys happy now?
1077
00:53:21,768 --> 00:53:23,937
Davis,
why are you so invested in this?
1078
00:53:23,937 --> 00:53:26,239
Oh, oh, I'll tell you why.
1079
00:53:26,239 --> 00:53:28,775
Because in order for Griff
to achieve his dreams,
1080
00:53:28,775 --> 00:53:31,811
I had to donate my leg bones.
1081
00:53:31,811 --> 00:53:35,081
Oh, yeah. That's right.
1082
00:53:35,081 --> 00:53:37,517
You both got leg
shortening surgery.
1083
00:53:37,517 --> 00:53:39,919
You didn't have to do that. Oh,
okay.
1084
00:53:39,919 --> 00:53:43,490
Yeah, I did,
because that's what friends do.
1085
00:53:43,490 --> 00:53:46,459
No, like you medically
didn't have to do that.
1086
00:53:46,459 --> 00:53:50,897
They use rods. It's
not like a kidney.
1087
00:53:50,897 --> 00:53:54,534
Well, I'm glad I didn't know
that information
1088
00:53:54,534 --> 00:53:59,806
because I love my new little
legs.
1089
00:53:59,806 --> 00:54:01,808
Yes. Davis. Yeah.
1090
00:54:01,808 --> 00:54:04,044
I love them legs, man.
1091
00:54:04,044 --> 00:54:07,614
Now, the doctor did say that
there's an 80% chance
1092
00:54:07,614 --> 00:54:10,350
my body will reject his bones,
1093
00:54:10,350 --> 00:54:13,720
but doctors will be saying
whatever.
1094
00:54:13,720 --> 00:54:14,721
Hey. Hey, man.
1095
00:54:14,721 --> 00:54:16,222
The second
I am medically cleared
1096
00:54:16,222 --> 00:54:19,059
to stand in 2029,
I am giving you that hug.
1097
00:54:19,059 --> 00:54:20,060
Oh my gosh.
1098
00:54:20,193 --> 00:54:23,363
And in the meantime, I'll bring
the hug to you here. But
1099
00:54:26,499 --> 00:54:29,235
Oh, my.
1100
00:54:29,235 --> 00:54:30,937
Oh my goodness.
1101
00:54:30,937 --> 00:54:33,707
Y'all distracted me
and the sheet tray, not Joseph.
1102
00:54:33,707 --> 00:54:39,512
Bernie I gotta go
grab some nachos. Oh, nachos.
1103
00:54:39,512 --> 00:54:43,516
Oh yeah.
1104
00:54:43,516 --> 00:54:44,217
Great.
1105
00:54:44,517 --> 00:54:49,556
Another bad day
in a series of bad days for me.
1106
00:55:01,868 --> 00:55:06,373
Don't ask me. Hi, guys.
Everybody. Randall.
1107
00:55:06,373 --> 00:55:08,942
If I can get everyone's
attention for a snack.
1108
00:55:08,942 --> 00:55:10,076
Look,
1109
00:55:10,076 --> 00:55:13,346
I know spirits are low after
the third round of layoffs,
1110
00:55:13,346 --> 00:55:16,049
so I think it would be great
to brainstorm
1111
00:55:16,049 --> 00:55:19,953
some ways to raise
office morale.
1112
00:55:19,953 --> 00:55:21,821
How about some more vacation
days?
1113
00:55:21,821 --> 00:55:24,624
Okay. That's great. Who else?
1114
00:55:24,624 --> 00:55:26,726
What about an espresso machine
for the kitchen
1115
00:55:26,726 --> 00:55:29,195
or, new TV for the break room?
1116
00:55:29,195 --> 00:55:32,665
Okay, these are all great.
Any other ideas?
1117
00:55:32,665 --> 00:55:34,901
I have an idea.
1118
00:55:34,901 --> 00:55:38,738
We should have a dance.
1119
00:55:38,738 --> 00:55:41,241
I'm sorry. What?
1120
00:55:41,241 --> 00:55:43,410
We should have a big dance.
1121
00:55:43,410 --> 00:55:47,080
The boys in tuxedos,
the girls in gowns.
1122
00:55:47,080 --> 00:55:49,949
A night to remember.
1123
00:55:49,949 --> 00:55:52,252
Okay, sure.
1124
00:55:52,252 --> 00:55:56,556
Probably not a dance, but,
what about some other ideas?
1125
00:55:56,556 --> 00:56:00,026
Oh, I think we should get
a women's bathroom.
1126
00:56:00,026 --> 00:56:02,462
I'm tired of sticking
my bare ass out the window
1127
00:56:02,462 --> 00:56:06,266
every time I have to go.
1128
00:56:06,266 --> 00:56:10,603
Hannah,
we have a women's bathroom.
1129
00:56:10,603 --> 00:56:13,573
We do?
1130
00:56:13,573 --> 00:56:17,177
Well, in that case,
I vote for the dance.
1131
00:56:17,177 --> 00:56:18,311
Quick question about the dance.
1132
00:56:18,311 --> 00:56:21,915
Would we,
bring our wives and husbands?
1133
00:56:21,915 --> 00:56:26,052
No, we would go with each other.
1134
00:56:26,052 --> 00:56:27,187
The boys would ask the girls.
1135
00:56:27,187 --> 00:56:31,458
And for one night only,
the outside world doesn't exist.
1136
00:56:31,458 --> 00:56:34,861
Severin style.
1137
00:56:34,861 --> 00:56:38,164
And what do you mean by seven?
Stop.
1138
00:56:38,164 --> 00:56:40,166
Well, at home
you can be one person,
1139
00:56:40,166 --> 00:56:44,304
but in the office you're living
a completely different life.
1140
00:56:44,304 --> 00:56:48,074
And I've been living seven style
this whole time.
1141
00:56:48,074 --> 00:56:50,210
No, Jerry,
you're just having an affair.
1142
00:56:50,210 --> 00:56:56,216
My enemy is my outie
is actually a really good man.
1143
00:56:56,249 --> 00:56:59,085
He's a father and a husband
who doesn't cheat.
1144
00:56:59,085 --> 00:57:02,022
Never miss a baseball game
because he was drinking.
1145
00:57:02,022 --> 00:57:05,025
He's a good man. And that.
1146
00:57:05,025 --> 00:57:08,328
So I have to say about that.
1147
00:57:11,297 --> 00:57:11,798
Okay.
1148
00:57:12,265 --> 00:57:14,868
Moving on. What else will happen
at this dance?
1149
00:57:14,868 --> 00:57:17,404
Oh, well,
the office nerd will take off
1150
00:57:17,404 --> 00:57:20,807
their glasses, revealing
they're actually beautiful.
1151
00:57:20,807 --> 00:57:26,646
Too bad
we don't have an office nerd.
1152
00:57:26,646 --> 00:57:29,916
Hey, girl.
1153
00:57:29,916 --> 00:57:32,118
Question for the dance.
1154
00:57:32,118 --> 00:57:34,654
Could we sneak alcohol
into the office?
1155
00:57:34,654 --> 00:57:37,791
You already do that, Randall?
1156
00:57:37,791 --> 00:57:44,330
No. I just bring my big bottle
of sprite every day, and.
1157
00:57:44,330 --> 00:57:44,931
That's right.
1158
00:57:44,931 --> 00:57:48,068
It's from.
1159
00:57:48,068 --> 00:57:50,203
Oh, and another thing.
1160
00:57:50,203 --> 00:57:52,072
At the end of the night,
we would crown a king
1161
00:57:52,072 --> 00:57:52,972
and the queen.
1162
00:57:52,972 --> 00:57:55,208
Oh I know who
the king's going to be.
1163
00:57:55,208 --> 00:58:01,214
Egbert.
1164
00:58:04,284 --> 00:58:07,020
Maybe
it's the sprite talking but
1165
00:58:07,020 --> 00:58:10,190
I'd hit it.
1166
00:58:10,190 --> 00:58:12,726
At him.
1167
00:58:12,726 --> 00:58:15,829
Oh that's great. Got a bite.
1168
00:58:15,829 --> 00:58:17,564
So it's settled.
1169
00:58:17,564 --> 00:58:19,632
Egbert will be king,
and the queen
1170
00:58:19,632 --> 00:58:22,736
will be the hottest girl
in the office.
1171
00:58:22,736 --> 00:58:25,538
Okay, on the count of three,
let's all say who
1172
00:58:25,538 --> 00:58:27,474
we think the hottest girl
in the office is.
1173
00:58:27,474 --> 00:58:30,577
No, guys, no one.
1174
00:58:30,577 --> 00:58:33,847
Two. Three. Hannah.
1175
00:58:36,116 --> 00:58:39,285
No one else said anything.
1176
00:58:39,285 --> 00:58:41,888
Cool.
1177
00:58:41,888 --> 00:58:46,059
Okay,
now all we need are, dates.
1178
00:58:46,059 --> 00:58:47,694
Cassie.
1179
00:58:47,694 --> 00:58:49,963
Ever since the first day
I started working here,
1180
00:58:49,963 --> 00:58:52,699
you, like,
totally changed my life.
1181
00:58:52,699 --> 00:58:58,438
Oh, so I'm
going to take a chance.
1182
00:58:58,438 --> 00:59:04,577
Oh. Cassie, will
you go to the dance with me?
1183
00:59:04,577 --> 00:59:07,147
Oh, every bone in my body
1184
00:59:07,147 --> 00:59:10,450
is telling me
you're just going to hurt me.
1185
00:59:10,450 --> 00:59:12,585
But, yes,
1186
00:59:12,585 --> 00:59:18,124
you guys are both married
to other people.
1187
00:59:18,124 --> 00:59:20,560
Not tonight.
1188
00:59:20,560 --> 00:59:24,264
Nice. Seven. Stop.
1189
00:59:24,264 --> 00:59:30,036
Well, looks like all we need
now is some music,
1190
00:59:30,036 --> 00:59:37,043
Making out with that?
1191
00:59:37,043 --> 00:59:41,247
Mumford and sons,
we are using our bathroom.
1192
00:59:41,247 --> 00:59:41,648
Of course.
1193
00:59:41,948 --> 00:59:46,786
You, we do everything together.
1194
00:59:46,786 --> 00:59:51,291
Now let's get king eggs
laid for the very first time.
1195
00:59:51,291 --> 00:59:55,061
What makes you think I haven't
been? I haven't?
1196
01:00:22,222 --> 01:00:25,191
>>> ONCE AGAIN, MUMFORD & SONS.
1197
01:00:25,191 --> 01:00:32,198
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
1198
01:00:32,198 --> 01:00:32,532
♪♪
1199
01:00:32,532 --> 01:00:35,935
♪♪
1200
01:00:35,935 --> 01:00:37,937
♪ WELL HERE'S MY
1201
01:00:37,937 --> 01:00:40,173
FINAL SERENADE
1202
01:00:40,173 --> 01:00:40,940
HERE'S A GUN
1203
01:00:40,940 --> 01:00:43,910
AND HERE'S A BLADE ♪
1204
01:00:43,910 --> 01:00:45,178
♪ HERE'S A PICTURE
1205
01:00:45,178 --> 01:00:46,212
THAT I SAVED
1206
01:00:46,212 --> 01:00:48,415
FOR TOO LONG ♪
1207
01:00:48,415 --> 01:00:49,416
♪ HERE'S MY
1208
01:00:49,416 --> 01:00:51,685
CREDIT CARD AND KEYS
1209
01:00:51,685 --> 01:00:52,919
AND THE REASON
1210
01:00:52,919 --> 01:00:55,188
I WON'T FIND PEACE ♪
1211
01:00:55,188 --> 01:00:56,923
♪ HERE'S A SONG
1212
01:00:56,923 --> 01:00:58,925
I COULD NOT COMPLETE
1213
01:00:58,925 --> 01:01:00,427
FOR TOO LONG ♪
1214
01:01:00,427 --> 01:01:01,695
♪ HERE'S MY PRIDE
1215
01:01:01,695 --> 01:01:02,929
AND HERE'S MY SHAME
1216
01:01:02,929 --> 01:01:04,197
HERE'S A TROPHY
1217
01:01:04,197 --> 01:01:06,433
THAT BEARS MY NAME ♪
1218
01:01:06,433 --> 01:01:07,434
♪ HERE'S ALL THE
1219
01:01:07,434 --> 01:01:09,903
MISTAKES I MADE
1220
01:01:09,903 --> 01:01:11,905
FOR TOO LONG ♪
1221
01:01:11,905 --> 01:01:13,440
♪ HERE'S THE ANSWERS
1222
01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:15,442
I NEVER GAVE
1223
01:01:15,442 --> 01:01:17,177
HERE'S THE CALLS
1224
01:01:17,177 --> 01:01:19,412
I SHOULDA MADE ♪
1225
01:01:19,412 --> 01:01:25,185
♪ HERE'S A SUBSTANCE
1226
01:01:25,185 --> 01:01:26,453
THAT I CRAVED
1227
01:01:26,453 --> 01:01:27,420
ALL ALONG ♪
1228
01:01:27,420 --> 01:01:28,421
♪ WELL HERE'S MY VISION
1229
01:01:28,421 --> 01:01:29,422
HERE'S MY AIM
1230
01:01:29,422 --> 01:01:30,690
HERE'S MY ADDRESS
1231
01:01:30,690 --> 01:01:31,925
AND THE ONES I BLAME ♪
1232
01:01:31,925 --> 01:01:33,460
♪ WHILE YOU'RE SITTING
1233
01:01:33,460 --> 01:01:36,429
TAKING NAMES
1234
01:01:36,429 --> 01:01:39,165
I JUST WANT TO BELONG ♪
1235
01:01:39,165 --> 01:01:41,935
♪ HERE'S MY LONELY SERENADE
1236
01:01:41,935 --> 01:01:42,936
HERE'S A GUN AND
1237
01:01:42,936 --> 01:01:44,938
HERE'S A BLADE ♪
1238
01:01:44,938 --> 01:01:46,206
♪ HERE'S A PICTURE
1239
01:01:46,206 --> 01:01:48,908
THAT I SAVED
1240
01:01:48,908 --> 01:01:51,711
BEFORE YOU WERE GONE ♪
1241
01:01:51,711 --> 01:01:52,946
♪ AND HERE'S MY PRIDE
1242
01:01:52,946 --> 01:01:53,913
AND HERE'S MY SHAME
1243
01:01:53,913 --> 01:01:55,148
HERE'S A TROPHY
1244
01:01:55,148 --> 01:01:57,183
THAT BEARS MY NAME ♪
1245
01:01:57,183 --> 01:01:58,184
♪ HERE'S ALL THE
1246
01:01:58,184 --> 01:02:01,154
MISTAKES I MADE
1247
01:02:01,154 --> 01:02:03,423
FOR TOO LONG ♪
1248
01:02:03,423 --> 01:02:04,691
♪ HERE'S THE ANSWERS
1249
01:02:04,691 --> 01:02:05,925
I NEVER GAVE
1250
01:02:05,925 --> 01:02:07,193
HERE'S THE CALLS
1251
01:02:07,193 --> 01:02:09,429
I SHOULDA MADE ♪
1252
01:02:09,429 --> 01:02:10,663
♪ HERE'S A SUBSTANCE
1253
01:02:10,663 --> 01:02:11,931
THAT I CRAVE
1254
01:02:11,931 --> 01:02:20,674
ALL ALONG ♪
1255
01:02:20,674 --> 01:02:23,176
♪ CAN YOU HOLD
1256
01:02:23,176 --> 01:02:27,180
ALL MY SECRETS
1257
01:02:27,180 --> 01:02:28,948
CAN WE SWEAR
1258
01:02:28,948 --> 01:02:32,686
THAT WE CAN FORGET ♪
1259
01:02:32,686 --> 01:02:35,689
♪ I HAD LIES LIKE
1260
01:02:35,689 --> 01:02:41,428
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE
1261
01:02:41,428 --> 01:02:46,199
BROUGHT TO MY KNEES ♪
1262
01:02:46,199 --> 01:02:54,674
♪♪
1263
01:02:54,674 --> 01:02:59,913
♪♪
1264
01:02:59,913 --> 01:03:01,448
♪ WELL HERE'S MY PRIDE
1265
01:03:01,448 --> 01:03:02,682
AND HERE'S MY SHAME
1266
01:03:02,682 --> 01:03:03,950
HERE'S A TROPHY
1267
01:03:03,950 --> 01:03:06,186
THAT BEARS MY NAME ♪
1268
01:03:06,186 --> 01:03:07,454
♪ HERE'S ALL THE
1269
01:03:07,454 --> 01:03:08,688
MISTAKES I MADE
1270
01:03:08,688 --> 01:03:11,157
FOR TOO LONG ♪
1271
01:03:11,157 --> 01:03:12,892
♪ HERE'S THE ANSWERS
1272
01:03:12,892 --> 01:03:15,395
I NEVER GAVE
1273
01:03:15,395 --> 01:03:17,163
HERE'S THE CALLS
1274
01:03:17,163 --> 01:03:18,898
I SHOULDA MADE ♪
1275
01:03:18,898 --> 01:03:22,135
♪ HERE'S A SUBSTANCE
1276
01:03:22,135 --> 01:03:22,902
THAT I CRAVED
1277
01:03:22,902 --> 01:03:25,905
ALL ALONG ♪
1278
01:03:25,905 --> 01:03:29,776
♪♪
1279
01:03:29,776 --> 01:03:39,452
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
1280
01:03:46,092 --> 01:03:47,894
The suite is so nice.
1281
01:03:47,894 --> 01:03:50,897
I can't believe you guys splurge
on my bachelorette party.
1282
01:03:50,897 --> 01:03:53,299
Oh, we love you. So fun.
1283
01:03:53,299 --> 01:03:55,769
Well, get ready,
because for my bachelorette,
1284
01:03:55,769 --> 01:03:57,971
I'm going to make you guys
take me to Europe.
1285
01:03:57,971 --> 01:03:58,972
Oh, okay.
1286
01:03:58,972 --> 01:04:04,878
Just try getting
to a relationship first.
1287
01:04:04,878 --> 01:04:06,680
Oh, my God, I'm trying.
1288
01:04:06,680 --> 01:04:09,349
Oh! Ooh! Who could that be?
1289
01:04:09,349 --> 01:04:11,818
Don't tell me
you guys got a stripper.
1290
01:04:11,818 --> 01:04:17,824
Guilty.
1291
01:04:21,461 --> 01:04:22,829
I am serious.
1292
01:04:22,829 --> 01:04:24,798
I like these.
1293
01:04:24,798 --> 01:04:25,331
Oh my God.
1294
01:04:25,331 --> 01:04:30,303
Oh, my God, the plumber.
1295
01:04:30,303 --> 01:04:33,073
Is that.
1296
01:04:33,073 --> 01:04:35,075
Oh my God!
1297
01:04:35,075 --> 01:04:36,076
Are you okay?
1298
01:04:36,076 --> 01:04:39,913
Oh, I was hit by a little car
on my way here,
1299
01:04:39,913 --> 01:04:41,981
but I've never missed the party,
1300
01:04:41,981 --> 01:04:45,752
and I'm not going to start now.
1301
01:04:45,752 --> 01:04:48,888
Oh. Who wants to see my abs?
1302
01:04:48,888 --> 01:04:53,560
Oh. Oh.
1303
01:04:53,560 --> 01:04:57,864
Oh. I'm worried about him,
but I definitely don't
1304
01:04:57,864 --> 01:04:59,132
want him to stop.
1305
01:05:00,500 --> 01:05:03,536
Well, I just
hope his penis is unscathed.
1306
01:05:03,536 --> 01:05:08,441
Oh, can we know you're gay?
You don't have to do all that.
1307
01:05:08,441 --> 01:05:10,043
Oh, okay.
1308
01:05:10,043 --> 01:05:13,279
So I have so many more clothes
to put on the floor.
1309
01:05:13,279 --> 01:05:16,950
Oh. Oh, I think that's his sexy
1310
01:05:16,950 --> 01:05:19,953
little lady
who wants to help me.
1311
01:05:19,953 --> 01:05:25,959
Brown hair like mama. Oh.
1312
01:05:33,800 --> 01:05:35,068
Oh. Oh.
1313
01:05:35,068 --> 01:05:39,072
Gorgeous woman.
1314
01:05:39,072 --> 01:05:41,908
I'm on my way to you.
1315
01:05:41,908 --> 01:05:45,245
Wow. He's using his plunger
to crawl towards me.
1316
01:05:45,245 --> 01:05:47,113
That's so hot.
1317
01:05:47,113 --> 01:05:50,417
Oh. What's your name? Mama.
1318
01:05:50,417 --> 01:05:53,119
Ella.
1319
01:05:53,119 --> 01:05:55,221
Was your last name?
1320
01:05:55,221 --> 01:05:58,091
Okay. I feel like you're just,
like, stalling to get over.
1321
01:05:58,091 --> 01:06:04,097
Okay.
1322
01:06:05,865 --> 01:06:09,936
Okay. Oh.
1323
01:06:09,936 --> 01:06:12,739
Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, yes.
1324
01:06:12,739 --> 01:06:18,712
Will you dance with me? Yes.
1325
01:06:19,779 --> 01:06:21,481
00000.
1326
01:06:21,481 --> 01:06:25,752
Okay.
You got a lot of blood. Okay.
1327
01:06:25,752 --> 01:06:28,388
Will you
take off my pants? Are you.
1328
01:06:30,857 --> 01:06:31,358
Are you sure?
1329
01:06:31,358 --> 01:06:31,891
Because it seemed like
1330
01:06:32,392 --> 01:06:33,793
when you took your shirt off,
it hurt really bad.
1331
01:06:33,793 --> 01:06:35,095
No, these are terrible.
1332
01:06:35,095 --> 01:06:40,433
Oh, okay. One. Two. Three. Oh.
1333
01:06:40,433 --> 01:06:42,635
Three. Yeah.
1334
01:06:42,635 --> 01:06:46,906
Oh, Serge, is your leg okay?
1335
01:06:46,906 --> 01:06:50,210
What do you think?
I got it back.
1336
01:06:50,210 --> 01:06:52,979
Well, ladies, I think we're
all thinking the same thing.
1337
01:06:52,979 --> 01:06:56,282
His body is mid.
1338
01:06:56,282 --> 01:07:00,620
It's literally
the best I've ever seen.
1339
01:07:00,620 --> 01:07:03,556
Oh my God.
1340
01:07:03,556 --> 01:07:07,127
Sounds like someone's
little lap dance.
1341
01:07:07,127 --> 01:07:08,495
I guess I frankly do.
1342
01:07:08,495 --> 01:07:13,333
Oh, do not be so sexy.
1343
01:07:13,333 --> 01:07:15,835
It took my breath. Okay.
1344
01:07:15,835 --> 01:07:19,339
Oh. Oh. Oh,
1345
01:07:19,339 --> 01:07:22,709
and you stuck my bed.
1346
01:07:22,709 --> 01:07:24,611
Oh. Oh.
1347
01:07:24,611 --> 01:07:27,480
I'm good.
1348
01:07:27,480 --> 01:07:31,217
Have you wrapped it
around, like, around my thigh?
1349
01:07:31,217 --> 01:07:35,689
Oh, like like a tourniquet.
1350
01:07:35,689 --> 01:07:39,125
Guys, I think he passed out.
1351
01:07:39,125 --> 01:07:43,163
Hey, Serge. You okay?
Oh my God. Oh!
1352
01:07:43,163 --> 01:07:47,300
Oh my God. Oh! Oh, my. Oh!
1353
01:07:47,300 --> 01:07:49,836
Oh, it's a party.
1354
01:07:51,538 --> 01:07:57,544
Great.
1355
01:07:59,479 --> 01:08:02,015
Oh! Oh.
1356
01:08:02,015 --> 01:08:07,187
Going down.
1357
01:08:07,187 --> 01:08:08,021
Oh my God!
1358
01:08:08,021 --> 01:08:15,095
Is he dead?
1359
01:08:15,095 --> 01:08:21,067
Your life is like this.
1360
01:08:35,515 --> 01:08:37,917
My biggest
thanks to Mumford and Sons
1361
01:08:37,917 --> 01:08:41,388
Quinn Hughes, Jack Hughes,
Hilary Knight, Megan Keller,
1362
01:08:41,388 --> 01:08:44,591
Hudson Williams, Hozier,
1363
01:08:44,591 --> 01:08:47,494
Gerard Farrell and Aaron Desker.
1364
01:08:47,494 --> 01:08:50,697
This is truly been
an absolute dream come true.
1365
01:08:50,697 --> 01:08:54,567
My biggest thank you to Lorne
Michaels for having me here.
1366
01:08:54,567 --> 01:08:56,336
Thank you. Thank you everyone.
1367
01:08:56,336 --> 01:08:59,172
Thank you to Kerry Powers
Rebecca Schwartz.
1368
01:08:59,172 --> 01:09:01,775
Thank you to my team. Thank you
to the crew and the cast.
1369
01:09:01,775 --> 01:09:04,811
Everyone is like so incredible.
1370
01:09:04,811 --> 01:09:07,414
I truly cannot believe this.
Thank you to everyone.
1371
01:09:07,414 --> 01:09:10,550
Thank you to Donna.
Thank you to Jenna.
1372
01:09:10,550 --> 01:09:12,118
It's, like, absolutely insane
1373
01:09:12,118 --> 01:09:15,288
just how many people
are constantly running around
1374
01:09:15,288 --> 01:09:18,358
and, like, this is the best
environment ever.
1375
01:09:18,358 --> 01:09:21,361
So thank you so much.
94786
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