Original subtitles

All right.

Thank you. All right.

All right, everyone, settle down.

My name is Tom Homan.

Now, I'm sure a lot of you are wondering why Greg Bovino.

The last guy was dismissed.

I want to stress that it wasn't because he did a bad job

or publicly

lied about the shooting of an American citizen,

or even, oh, dressed like a Nazi.

It was that he was filmed doing these things.

And the president don't like you that.

So I'm here now, and we need to tighten up.

That starts with remembering the mission objective.

Now, who could tell me why we're here in Minneapolis?

Past.

Nope. Can't pass.

Come on, guys, what are we doing in Minneapolis?

This could be wrong, but Army.

Close.

That's close.

We're here to detain and deport

illegal immigrants who have committed crimes.

That is literally the first I'm hearing of that.

Well, it shouldn't be. Just so I know.

What were you told you should be doing?

Wild'n out.

You know what? Forget everything you were told before.

We're not here to intimidate,

racially profile, or violate anyone's rights.

So, again, what are we looking for? Epstein files?

Nope. Nope.

We actually just released those to distract from this,

you know, which is ironic,

because we did this to distract from those.

So, anyway, guys, it's not just about doing the mission.

It's about doing it the right way.

A lot of the bad press we're getting is coming

from the aggressive tactics we've been using.

And the Nazi coat. Yes, the Nazi coat. Very good.

So let's talk about use of force.

When do we want to use force? Right away.

No. Think of the opposite.

Right. Preemptively.

Also, no.

It's kind of a trick question because we actually don't

want to use force.

Remember, the job ultimately is about keeping America safe.

From what?

This could be wrong, but Don lemon.

That is wrong. Yes.

It's criminals.

Teacher, not a teacher.

Oh. Go ahead.

Some of these people protesting have guns

that shouldn't be allowed, right?

Well, let's flip it around. Right.

How many of you went to,

stop the steal protest with a loaded automatic weapon?

Fellas, look, you got to do better.

Look, I'm Tom Homan, okay?

I am.

I'm. I'm the separating families at the border.

Guy on the on film taking a $50,000 bribe guy.

And you're making me look like the upstanding,

reasonable adult in the room. That's crazy.

Now. All right.

Let's open it up to some questions. Yes, you.

I have a question about the local police.

That's great.

I was hoping someone would bring this up

because there's been, you know, some friction there.

What's your question about the local police?

How come I wasn't allowed to be in them?

I'm not sure.

Yes. Yes. You, Yes.

So I have a question about destroying evidence.

Yeah. Let me stop you right there.

You should never, never destroy evidence.

Got it.

Don't wink,

don't wink.

Now, who else has a question? Yes. You. Yeah.

How come all the fast food in this city tastes like spit?

It's, it's best not to really think about that, you know?

All right, one more question.

I just heard that I'm being detailed to the Super Bowl.

But I'm looking in my ticket app, and I don't see a ticket.

Right.

So you won't actually have a seat.

So we're playing in it,

like.

Whoa, guys. Guys, no, no.

Let's let's recap.

What have we learned today?

This could be wrong, but

but you hired a bunch of angry, aggressive

guys, gave us guns and didn't train us.

So this is maybe what you wanted to happen.

Oh, come on, man, don't start thinking now.

You know what? Drop it. Give me 20.

How about three with knees, girl style?

Never mind.

Look, the situation out there has been rough,

and we need to lower the temperature.

So let's get out there.

Let's show some restraint.

Let's do our job

without violating anyone's rights as Americans.

Can you do that? No.

Well, I had to ask.

Maybe just try not to get filmed and live from New York.

It's Saturday night.

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST CARDI B!

AND YOUR HOST, ALEXANDER

SKARSGARD!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD!

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I am incredibly excited to be here tonight

because we are celebrating 1000 episodes of SNL

Celebrate good times.

Come on. Yay!

Yay! Now, when I was a kid, I loved watching this show

from my igloo back in Stockholm.

But during these monologues, I would never focus on the host.

I was more interested

in the band back there in the background,

sometimes laughing more often not,

but always out of focus, never in the spotlight.

Well, not on my watch.

Call me Willy Wonka, because tonight

I'm gonna let the little people cook.

Guys like me a little something.

Lucy, I like that one.

Nice groove right there. Mike, please. You wouldn't know it.

What is your name?

Good, sir. James. That's a beautiful name.

How long you've been in the band?

26 years. But, That's amazing. Amazing.

How about you, sir?

Must be pretty cool to talk to the host.

That depends on the host. Do. You are welcome.

A female

on guitar.

It's, Ibanez 2000.

No, no,

no, that's what I said. No great banter, guys.

Hey, who wants to hear, some free form jazz?

That's what I thought.

Take it away, guys.

Oh, hello.

What do we got here? Oh. Stray saxophone.

Always wanted to try one of those.

That was quite easy.

Not. Nope. Nope, not on me.

Close up on the lady.

Close up on the lady.

I have you on the pedal.

You're lagging.

It feels good to give.

Give it up for the band.

For reals. Whoa!

We have a great show for you.

Cardi B is here.

Stick around we|ll be Right back.

Well, thanks, kids,

for flying in to come see your old mom and dad.

Of course. Daddy. Oh, we love you. We love you.

Oh. Well, shall we head to the restaurant?

I'm starving. Oh, yeah. Sure.

Oh. Oh, wait, wait, wait. There's,

There's something I need to tell you all first.

Oh, okay. What is it, mom? Is everything okay?

I'm only going to say it

if after I do, you promise you will not react.

No talking, no faces, no nothing.

Mom, what is going on? Yeah. You're scaring us.

The thing I'm going to say

is shocking,

and it's going to make you want to react.

But I need you to promise that you will not.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Let's do a practice example. I eat bugs, I eat bugs.

Oh, no no, no.

What did I say? Sorry, sorry. No speaking.

No talking. No nothing.

Okay, let's try again. Pretend example.

My butt fell off. Can't find it.

I don't have a butt.

Okay, good.

What?

I have to tell you.

Is I may have changed my mind.

About Trump.

What do you.

Do you want this to be real or not?

Yes, sure.

Yeah.

I feel now

like he might be.

Bad for our country.

Oh, you got a job.

What? I say.

I'm sorry, mom, you got to be joking.

We've been saying this is 2016.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late to the perfect party.

You guys want this to be real or not? Yes. Absolutely real.

Then give me grace.

And I feel like

maybe

some of the things he says

aren't true. Oh, you know, that's

why I'm going back far. I take it back.

Oh, mom, come on, don't do that.

Guys! Come on. Can't you see this is hard for your mother?

Also, I want to remind everybody it is my birthday.

And Greg, we are going to get to that.

And for the record, you little brats.

I do so think he's a good businessman.

Yes. You guys.

You know what?

This is why nobody likes your side.

You think you know everything

with your macho rapping Hamilton and your IUDs?

Just have kids already.

And what are you talking about?

Maybe we could talk about this at Red Robin.

I'm afraid they're gonna give our table away.

And I want my birthday scoop.

Okay, mom.

We're sorry. Will be quiet. Just say what you need to say.

Fine.

But I swear to God, if I hear a single.

I told you so. I will go see the Melania movie tonight.

You hear me?

Okay. Sorry. It's time. Really?

Then I will speak.

The things that are happening.

No one could have seen coming.

I feel like

the way they talk about guns

is different for different people.

They made me feel worried about trans people.

But now I'm realizing

I don't really get what the problem.

I'm starting to wonder

if drag queens

are actually hilarious.

Oh, stop that. I see what you're doing. Stop!

Enough, enough! Leave your mother alone.

Her laptop is old. If you get to a different internet, then you

know how that works.

That is how that works. And this is vulnerable for me.

Okay? You should understand what I say. When you came out.

You said. Is it possible you just like hacks?

Still waiting on the answer, babe.

Please stop getting your mother worked up

or she won't dance for me tonight.

Oh, says you wouldn't be here without it.

Okay. Relax, mom. We're sorry.

You're right.

We shouldn't have made this hard for you.

And we're happy that you told us.

Yeah, we're sorry. I'm sorry.

Let's get the dinner.

Plenty of room in the Cybertruck.

No, guys are you never break up.

The Winter Olympics are a week away.

Now, meet

some of the athletes who pushed themselves

to the limit of human endurance for the chance

to compete at the Games in Milan.

No one said it would be easy, but it's all worth it

when I'm out on the slopes with my board, when I'm on the ice.

I feel alive. It's my purpose.

I hate the luge. It's way too fast.

It scares me to death.

And I seriously hate it. 16 gripping Winter sports.

I've been wanting this my whole life.

I'm living my dream. This is a nightmare.

I hate the thing I'm good at. Over 2000 athletes.

But only the best of the best will bring home the gold.

I've trained for this since I was four years old.

You just gotta want it.

No one's born the best in luge.

Being the best is sort of just the height

and weight distribution thing.

I honestly think a corpse that's my same shape could win.

Every athlete brings something different to the table.

What makes me unique? Definitely my slopestyle.

I try to ride very clean.

My signature move is definitely my English triple axel.

I just go straight down like everyone.

But I scream the whole time.

And behind every Olympian is an equally dedicated coach.

Coach Sinclair has been one of the greatest gifts of my life.

Coaching gurdy.

His is a battle

trying to get her on the sled. No! Get her down the hill.

I don't want I don't get her so freaking out.

I'm pretending to be sick, etc.. No. You're sick.

You're not sick. Go down the hill.

I can't go down. I'm sick.

Oh, look at that. Spider's crazy with.

The sport needs her.

She's a once in a generation shape.

They're not just playing for themselves.

They're playing for us all. I'm doing this for you, mom.

I'm so proud of my little girl.

I've been cheering her on since she won her very first event.

After years of preparation, it's go time for the athletes.

I'm locked in. No distractions before a competition.

The name of the game is focus.

The name of the game for me is to confuse

and ultimately silence my survival instincts.

See if they have what it takes to win. We'll see you in Milan.

Not me though, because I'm sick, I can't go. Yes you can. No.

The Winter Olympics in Milan.

Go for the gold.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE.

I AM THRILLED TO BE BACK IN

OSLO, TO BE DIRECTING THIS

MOVIE, "STENCH OF A FAMILY."

I AM OBSESSED WITH SCANDINAVIAN

CINEMA.

I JUST LOVE HOW YOU GUYS SO

BRAVELY REFLECT HOW FAMILY LIFE

IS JUST HARROWING.

SO LET'S GO FOR A TAKE, YEAH?

ALL RIGHT.

>> "STENCH OF A FAMILY," SCENE

14, TIGHT ROOM.

>> ALL RIGHT, AND ACTION!

>> LOOK AT ME WITH THIS.

>> FATHER IS DYING UPSTAIRS, AND

YOU DO NOT HAVE THE NERVE TO SEE

HIM?

>> HE WAS A PIG AND A COWARD.

>> BUT I HAVE TO BATHE HIM, NOT

YOU.

I'VE BEEN HERE FOR SIX YEARS

BATHING HIM.

I USED TO PAINT.

BUT NOW I JUST WIPE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WIPE MY FATHER.

>> YOU CAN LEAVE AT ANY TIME.

YOU JUST WANT TO COMPLERN.

>> AND CUT!

>> OH, MY GOD, I DID SAY

COMPLERN?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S TOTALLY GOING TO THE

BLOOPER REEL!

>> I DON'T GET NERVOUS.

>> ALL RIGHT, NOT BAD.

DIDN'T EXPECT THIS GIGGLY ENERGY

FOR THIS KIND OF MOVIE.

ANYWAY, LET'S MOVE ON.

THE NEXT SCENE IS WHERE YOU DEAL

WITH YOUR FAMILY'S PAST.

SO QUIET BUT POWERFUL.

ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO FOR A TAKE.

>> "STENCH OF A FAMILY" SCENE

22, TIGHT ROOM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> AND ACTION!

>> I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO

FATHER.

TO ME, HE IS ALREADY DEAD.

>> BUT --

>> I'M NOTHING LIKE HIM.

HE FLUNG OUR MOTHER OFF THE

DOCK.

>> HE LOVED LETTER.

>> IF HE LOVED HER, THEN WHY

WOULD HE FLING HER INTO THE

FJORD?

>> HOW DARE YOU SAY THIS.

>> I'M LEAVING.

I'M GOING TO -- LINE?

>> KILL MYSELF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OH, OH GOD!

OH, WE'RE JUST TOO MUCH!

>> MY GOD!

HOW COULD YOU FORGET THAT?

>> LET'S JUST GO STRAIGHT TO THE

BLOOPER REEL.

>> ALL ABOUT THE BLOOPERS.

>> OKAY, GUYS, GUYS -- "THE

STENCH OF A FAMILY" IS NOT GOING

TO HAVE A BLOOPER REEL, OKAY?

BUT WHAT WE'RE GETTING IS

WORKING, SO LET'S GO TO THE NEXT

SCENE, OKAY?

>> YES.

>> YES.

>> "STENCH OF A FAMILY" SCENE

30, PACKED ROOM.

>> ALL RIGHT, AND ACTION!

>> THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF GLOOM

AND DOOM.

>> BECAUSE FATHER IS SICK.

I THINK ABOUT MY MOTHER.

HE THINKS HE'S MY MOTHER.

EVERY DAY HE TRIES TO MAKE LOVE

TO ME AND PUSH ME DOWN THE HILL.

>> I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

>> COME HERE.

>> OH, I THINK I'M GOING TO LIKE

IT HERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> AND CUT!

>> BLOOPER REEL!

>> CUT!

>> BLOOPER REEL!

>> CUT.

OKAY, GUYS, THAT IS ENOUGH OF

THAT.

PLEASE.

I'M WORRIED WE'RE LOSING OUR

FOCUS HERE.

SO YOU CAN HEAD TO THE NEXT SET

AND FINAL SCENE, OKAY?

LET'S FOCUS UP, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS WHERE YOU SAY

GOOD-BYE TO YOUR FATHER IN THE

TUB FOR THE LAST TIME.

OKAY?

AND ACTION!

♪♪

>> FATHER.

WE ARE HERE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HELLO, MY CHILDREN.

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU.

I'VE BECOME A STONE AROUND YOUR

NECK.

>> FATHER, DON'T SAY THIS.

>> ALL THESE YEARS, YOU'VE HATED

ME FOR FLINGING YOUR MOTHER OFF

THE DOCK.

BUT THE TRUTH IS, SHE FLUNG

HERSELF.

I WANTED TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE

TRUTH.

>> WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

>> IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

SHE JUST DIDN'T LIKE YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO DROWN

MYSELF IN THIS TUB.

SO I WILL NO LONGER HAVE TO

SMELL THE STENCH OF A FAMILY.

>> OH!

>> OH!

>> MY ONLY ASK IS, HOLD MY HAND.

AS I GO DOWN IN THE WATER.

>> OF COURSE, FATHER.

>> FETCH!

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

>> WAY TO GO!

>> THAT'S A BLOOPER!

>> BLOOD PRESSURER!

BLOOPER!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> IT'S THE "IMMIGRANT DAD TALK

SHOW" WITH YOUR HOST, JOAQUIN

ANTONIO GONZALES HERNANDES

SUAREZ.

>> HELLO, HELLO, HELLO AND

WELCOME TO "THE IMMIGRANT DAD

TALK SHOW."

THIS IS THE SHOW WHERE WE TALK

ABOUT OUR CHILDREN.

THE ONES WE LOVE AND THE SONS AS

WELL, HA HA HA!

BEFORE WE START, FOR ALL THE

WHITE PEOPLE THAT ARE SAD ABOUT

THE IMMIGRANTS GETTING

DEPORTED -- DON'T WORRY.

WE'LL BE BACK, HA HA HA!

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, TODAY, MY FIRST GUEST IS MY

NEIGHBOR FROM FINLAND.

PLEASE WELCOME HEIKE HONNKONING.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, HEIKE.

>> SHOULD I ALSO HAVE MY

PASSPORT?

>> NO, BUDDY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO

SHOW YOUR PASSPORT.

YOU LOOK LIKE A RACIST GUY DRAW

SOMETHING THAT HE LIKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANYWAY.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR FIRST SEGMENT.

"NAME THAT PUNISHMENT."

HA HA HA!

HEIKE, LET'S SAY YOUR SON IS

CAUGHT SMOKING MARIJUANA IN THE

SCHOOL.

HOW YOU PUNISH HIM?

>> I'D KNEEL DOWN, LOOK INTO HIS

SOUL, AND SAY, "THE SHAME IS

YOURS TO LIVE WITH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OH.

OKAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO YOU TALK TO HIM?

I DON'T TALK, BUDDY, I SHOOT, HA

HA HA!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HA HA HA.

>> OKAY.

IS TIME TO BRING OUT MY NEXT

GUEST.

HE'S ANOTHER FATHER IN THE

NEIGHBORHOOD.

PLEASE WELCOME KEVIN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HI.

HOLA, JOAQUIN.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M

THINKING ABOUT YOUR PEOPLE

LATELY, AND I WANTED TO DO

SOMETHING TO HELP.

SO TA-DA!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT SHIRT IS GOING TO FIX

EVERYTHING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANYWAY.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT SEGMENT

CALLED, "HOW DO YOU HANDLE

THAT?"

ARGUING WITH YOUR WIFE.

WHAT DO YOU DO, HEIKE, WHEN YOU

AND YOUR WIFE HAVING AN

ARGUMENT?

>> YES.

WE STAY SILENT.

VERY INTENT.

THEN ONE DAY, FINALLY, WE DIE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY.

THAT'S SPOOKY, HEIKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ME AND MY WIFE, WE DON'T DO

THAT.

WE SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM, AND

THEN IT GET QUIET.

AND THEN I SAY, YOU WANT TO HAVE

SEX WITH ME, BABY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND USUALLY SHE SAY NO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

KEVIN, HOW DO YOU HANDLE THIS?

>> WELL, IT'S FUNNY YOU BRING

THAT UP.

RECENTLY, ME AND MY WIFE GOT

INTO A LITTLE TIFF BECAUSE SHE

THINKS I'M TOO AFFECTIONATE WITH

OUR SON.

BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE.

RIGHT, CONNER?

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU'RE THE BEST DAD EVER.

>> ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST

SON EVER.

>> OH!

NO, NO!

NO, NO, NO!

DON'T DO IT HERE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I MEAN, I'M SURE YOUR DADS

SHOWED AFFECTION TO YOU, RIGHT,

HEIKE?

>> ONE TIME, ME AND MY FATHER

WERE SITTING IN A SAUNA.

AND OUR KNEECAPS ACCIDENTALLY

TOUCHED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE SAID, "TELL NO ONE OF

THIS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> I TOLD YOU, TELL NO ONE OF

THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> FORGIVE ME, FATHER.

>> THE SHAME IS YOURS!

LIVE WITH IT!

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> WHITE PEOPLE, VERY

INTERESTING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY NEVER SCREAM, YOU KNOW?

THEY JUST PUSH IT DOWN, DOWN,

DOWN.

AND THEN ONE DAY, THEY KILL

THEIR WIFE, HA HA HA!

[ LAUGHTER ]

ME AND MY WIFE, WE HAVE A

BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP.

BECAUSE I DO WHATEVER I WANT.

BECAUSE IT'S MY HOUSE, AND IT'S

MY RULES.

>> JOAQUIN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> I'M SORRY, BABY.

>> WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

>> OH NO.

[ SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL

LANGUAGE ]

>> BABY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO

ME, BABY?

THESE ARE MY FRIENDS.

NO, NO, NO!

>> WHITE PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE.

>> I KNOW, I KNOW.

>> YOU DON'T MUCH ATTENTION.

SMOKING IN MY HOUSE?

HAVING THESE PEOPLE EAT MY FOOD?

SICK OF YOU.

>> DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX,

BABY?

OH, MY GOD, OKAY.

THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE

TODAY FOR "IMMIGRANT DAD TALK

SHOW."

DO WHATEVER YOUR WIFE SAY, HA

HA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

God save me.

Oh, yeah.

Ha ha ha ha!

The gods have smiled on us. Yay!

Where is your god, Christian? Mine.

All around us. God you are. Yeah, man.

You have won a great battle beyond blood.

I am proud to call you my hero.

As am I.

And I am proud to lead you all.

Tonight we say. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna eat in the boat.

Are you okay? Over

it. Feeling a little left out?

Maybe.

Seriously? Yeah.

I feel like the group is getting kind of clicky. Clicky.

And I'm just.

Alone. Cool. That's great.

Fine.

We had no idea.

What did we do to make you feel like that?

Bull stuff, like wrung out during the raid.

I saw you and snorted, cutting a guy in half,

and I was, like, standing right next to you,

Randy, with my sword.

And no one ever even thought of like, hey,

at some point, maybe. Do you want to join us?

I'm sorry, man.

And then, like, this is maybe kind of stupid,

but when we were playing football,

nobody passed it to me. It is what it. Hey,

maybe I'm overreacting, but I feel like this

weird tension in the group. Well, now I feel terrible.

I don't even want to finish sewing this gold head on.

This monkey. No, this is why I didn't bring it up.

I didn't want to bomb everyone out.

You should be happy right now.

It's hard to be happy when you realize

you've been acting like a first class agent.

And I know pain. And stop. I'm all for it.

Come on.

Let's just

skin this Christian rodent alive,

make a hat out of his skin, sail home

and forget about the whole thing, okay?

I. Now it's hitting me like a hat out of me.

It's not going to solve what's going on with the group.

It's Christianity. Right? First time for everything.

That's very funny, Sven, the rapist.

But I think I've.

Maybe some of what you're feeling

is jealousy.

Oh, jealousy of you.

Plus we worship you, man.

Any coldness you felt wasn't because we didn't like you,

but because we were afraid you were like us.

Are you kidding me?

You guys are the best.

Come to me telling my wife my hero thinks I'm the best.

She's like, yeah, okay, Leah. I shut up.

I'm so not your hero. You're everyone's hero.

When I was a teenager, I had a rune of you

on my bedroom wall. Same doing that cool pose.

What cool pose?

Do you mean this cool pose?

You're a legend.

Oh, so they're saying.

Is my face red?

Yes. You're covered in blood.

Hey, you only we want to be in this. Yours.

You know what?

Now that I feel more confident,

I'm ready to show you all my new hairstyle.

Boom!

Oh, Pretty cool, Okay.

Anything popping up in.

I know it looks a little silly this year. Now.

So cool. Yeah, yeah, we love it.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

CARDI B.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

[ SINGING IN SPANISH ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ SINGING IN SPANISH ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ SINGING IN SPANISH ]

♪ BODEGA BADDIE

BODEGA BADDIE ♪

[ SINGING IN SPANISH ]

♪♪

♪ WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT

WHAT WHAT YEAH WHAT WHAT

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT ♪

♪ BODEGA BADDIE

HOT AS A BELLY

-- SAY WHAT ♪

♪ GOOD-LOOKIN' BADDIE

HE WANNA TREAT ME

JUST LET THE STREETS BE ♪

♪ HE WANNA DROP THAT

TELL YOU MY ADDY

BITCH I LOOK GOOD

ON A DAY-TO-DAY ♪

♪ THAT'S WHY

I GOT BITCHES LIKE

QUÉ LO QUE ♪

♪ TEXTIN' MY PHONE

MY BETTER DAY

NOW WE MISSIONARY

TALKIN' FACE TO FACE ♪

♪ EL DIABLO

I'M LOCA

♪ DIAMONDS DANCING LIKE SOCA

LIKE MY -- BAT

SAMMY SOSA WHOO

BODEGA BADDIE UH ♪

♪♪

[ SINGING IN SPANISH ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ SINGING IN SPANISH ]

♪ LA BODEGA BADDIE

WA WA

LA BODEGA BADDIE

AYY ♪

♪ LA BODEGA BADDIE

WA WA

LA BODEGA BADDIE

AYY ♪

♪ LA BODEGA BADDIE

WA WA

LA BODEGA BADDIE

AYY ♪

♪ LA BODEGA BADDIE

BRR WA WA

LA BODEGA BADDIE

WHOO ♪

♪ I'M THE REALER

SIPPIN' TEQUILA

BEEN AN EATER

-- MY LIL' BOO ♪

♪ PAPARAZZI CATCHIN' HIM

TOP ME

OH CAN'T STOP ME

DAMN WHAT A VIEW ♪

♪ CHECK GOT RIPPED OUT

I GOT -- DOWN

THIS HOTEL ROOM

LOOK LIKE A SHOE ♪

♪ ONLY TIME

THESE -- MAKE SENSE TO ME

IS WHEN I PUT THEM ON MUTE ♪

♪ BITCH SO YEAH

I'M LIKE SELENA

YOU CAN TELL

BY MY DEMEANOR ♪

♪ CHECK THAT --

THAT TIME I SEEN HER

TOLD HER

DAME MÁS GASOLINA ♪

♪ WHOO ♪

♪♪

[ SINGING IN SPANISH ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ SINGING IN SPANISH ]

♪♪

♪ WHERE THE LADIES AT

HECK YEAH

WHERE THE BOYS AT

HECK NO ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Welcome to big enough that I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.

Well, let's start with some good news tonight.

It was reported that just 20 minutes ago.

Dry January finally ended.

Let's hope it's a wet ass.

February.

Meanwhile, President Trump is changing things

up in Minnesota to calm the recent violence

against his poll numbers.

Border patrol official Gregory Bovino,

who was incredible in one battle after another,

has been removed from overseeing the Minneapolis

ice operation and hopefully he was removed

ice style through the broken window of his car.

Bovino was replaced by border czar Tom Homan,

seen here just thinking about Bad Bunny's halftime show.

Call me crazy, but I just

don't see this guy calming things down.

This feels like trying to quit cocaine by taking up crack.

Tom Homan called on local leaders

in Minneapolis to work with Ice agents

to tone down the dangerous rhetoric.

Because all of that rhetoric

just distracts agents from their main aim. Anyone filming?

Homeland Security's initial review of the Alex

Prairie shooting does not say that he attacked

officers, which contradicts Christie norms claims.

But none of that really matters to Kristi Noem.

She'll open fire even if you're a good boy.

Senate Democrats are saying

they will only vote to fund the government

if Ice follows new rules,

including removing their face mask,

which could keep agents from getting fired

from their other jobs like Weekend Update.

I don't like how much you just assumed

that would be normal and laugh at it.

Minnesota Governor Tim Walz compared the Trump

administration's immigration crackdown to the Nazi occupation

described in the diary of Anne Frank.

But remember, this administration

has always ignored the stories told by young girls.

It was reported that Ice agents will have

a small security role at the Winter Olympics in Italy.

Oh, Lord, said the Jamaican bobsled team. No.

They have me on.

Searched the county election hub in Georgia

looking for balance of back up president Trump's false claim

that the 2020 election was rigged.

Jesus, man, let it go.

I mean, even Hitler stopped

trying to get into art school at some point.

This week, a documentary

about Melania Trump debuted in theaters.

It's titled wicked for real.

Melania.

Melania was directed by Rush Hour director

Brett Ratner, which explains this scene.

Do you?

Officials in London announced

that they will create a new national police force

that's being called the British FBI.

It will be run by the British equivalent of Kash Patel.

Mr. Bean

Last Sunday, New York got a foot of snow and freezing.

Temperatures have continued all week.

Here to comment is our new Weekend

Update weather correspondent Sarah Sherman.

Hi, Colin.

I'm here live outside of Rockefeller Center

where conditions are very, very cold.

For Weekend Update, I'm Sarah Sherman.

Now back to you, Colin.

That can't be it.

You're our Brand-New weather correspondent.

That's all you have to say?

Yep. It's cold. There's snow, and I deeply regret doing this.

It's so cold.

Even the pigeons are frozen.

Check it out.

And, Peter, before y'all blow up my DMs,

this pigeon was a racist.

Now I'm going to throw it on back to you. Colin.

Now back to you, Colin.

Oh, can you just please do the web?

Just tell us something about the weather.

How many degrees is it outside? Fine.

The temperature is how you say you like your women. 20.

But it feels like 15.

Lord.

I told you that a gone.

I did not say that. I did not listen.

It's not my fault you didn't wear a warmer coat.

It is your fault.

You ordered me.

Heard not one who.

Was. Stop!

Ordered me to wear something thin in the cold.

You said you wanted my nipples to be standing at attention.

Like two West Point graduates

said you wanted to use my nips as pull up

pegs, like in an American Ninja warrior cone.

You said, and I quote, and I'm quoting you on this.

You said you wanted my nips harder than I was

during Cardi B's first song.

I did not say that.

Oh shut up.

Just let me inside.

I'm literally so cold

I had to put hand warmers in my underwear.

Okay, it's so steamy down there.

My crabs are getting cooked into a full on seafood boil.

All you need is some garlic butter.

And maybe you could include

some all day and a couple boiled eggs.

Oh. Hey, sir. Oh.

Sir, will you let me in?

I'm locked out. Colin locked me out.

Oh, sorry. I'm off duty tonight. Rude.

Now, back to you, Colin.

Sarah.

Sherman, everyone!

Oh! Weird.

Dude.

A judge has ruled that Luigi Mangione

will not face the death penalty

unless he has a preexisting condition.

That's a finger.

Yay! Took out a full page ad in the Wall Street Journal

apologizing for his past anti-Semitic comments,

saying they were due to an undiagnosed brain injury

from a car crash 25 years ago.

Damn. Even when it comes to excuses, he's a creative genius.

Cooper Flagg of the

Dallas Mavericks has set a new NBA record

for scoring the most points by a teenager in a game.

Not a great start to Black History Month.

Waffle House announced that they will once again

be taking reservations for Valentine's Day.

And fellas, waffle House is the perfect place

to get down on one knee and say, I've been stabbed.

A new study finds that by the year 2035,

nearly half of American adults will be obese.

Hey, as long as it's the bottom half, maybe.

You don't like that one?

Come on, man.

Craig announced

a recall of more than 80,000 McDonald's

brand decaf coffee pods because they actually contain caffeine.

So if you brew McDonald's decaf at home.

Jesus, man.

Olympic sprinter Shikari Richardson was arrested

for allegedly driving more than 100 miles an hour.

What's crazy is her car is Flintstone style.

Relationship experts are warning that asking a person

how are you is a useless way to start a conversation.

Which is why I always open with how much.

A U.P.S.

driver in California rescued a 101 year

old woman from her burning home by using his UPS

training to toss her violently onto the porch.

But the sooner

the Super Bowl is a week away, with the Patriots and Seahawks

going head to head here to talk about it

is two people who just hooked up.

Okay. Yep.

Oh. Thanks, Mark. It's my hair. Look. Okay.

You're amazing.

All right,

well, it's great to have you guys back.

So you're here to talk about the Super Bowl? Yes. Yes.

We are here to discuss the Super Bowl.

You know, the Patriots and Seahawks

actually played each other in the Super Bowl in 2015. Yeah.

And you know, it's one thing to play a team once,

but getting a chance to play them again

that's just out of this world.

Yeah.

So, how do you picture this second time playing out?

Well, look,

the Seahawks haven't won the Super Bowl

in quite some time,

so they just need to get out there on the field

and say to the Patriots, hey, remember me?

How can I forget.

Okay.

And then what?

And then maybe the Seahawks say

are we doing this again?

And maybe the Patriots are like,

I want to go back.

But maybe the Seahawks are scared because

they haven't been in the Super Bowl.

Gosh.

Not since Jason.

I'm sorry. Who is Jason? He's a player.

You could say that.

Okay. All right.

Well the Seahawks famously lost on the one yard line in 2015.

Do you think this game will be that close?

Yeah. Look, football is famously a game of inches.

You know, everybody wants to go for seven, but,

sometimes it's

better to take the three.

Three. One.

Oh my God. One.

Look, Colin,

these are two great teams, and there's no doubt

it'll be back and forth

all night, 100%. I predict that the Patriots

will be on top for the first half, but then at some point,

the Seahawks will come from behind and.

Dominate the Patriots for a little while.

Yeah.

And maybe the Patriots get tired and as the Seahawks

to play themselves for a little while.

The Patriots go watch on the sidelines.

Okay. What are you guys talking about.

We're talking about the Super Bowl.

It's the biggest game of the year.

So you know whatever happens

all I know is someone's getting a ring.

You think that someone will get a ring?

Oh wow.

Well, probably not like that night.

I didn't say that night.

Look, I think the Patriots just thought this was, like, chill.

Oh, okay.

Oh, the Patriots thought it was super chill.

They thought the Super Bowl was chill.

Okay, well

I think if the Seahawks knew that

then they wouldn't have done the tush

push in Colin's dressing room.

My dressing room again. Okay. The tush push. You want to go.

You want to talk about the tush push.

Because if I recall the Seahawks called that play.

All right.

The Patriots are actually scared to do it

because they'd only ever seen it on film.

The second the Seahawks muttered

tush push the Patriots scored on them. Okay.

Oh my gosh.

Two people who just hooked up.

I see it bad, but we'll get it for Weekend Update

I|m Colin Jost I|m Michael Che Goodnight!

Wow. Mrs.

Wrigley, thanks so much for all these snacks.

Oh, here's Will.

Thank you girls, for coming over today to hang with Agnes.

You know, she hasn't really had a chance

to meet any other kids since we moved here from Iowa.

Right? Agnes, don't be shy. Come on. Mom. Oh, hi.

It's so embarrassing. Oh, stop. I'm embarrassing.

Come on. Sit. Hi.

Hi, guys.

I'm Agnes. Hi.

Okay. Well, I'm going to get out of your hair.

You girls have fun. Call me if you need me.

I'll be drinking in the kitchen. Okay. Thanks. Bye. Bye, mom.

So, Agnes, what did you do back in Iowa? For fun?

I don't know, like, usual stuff, like,

You know, play watch cartoons. How about you guys?

I love cartoons. Have you seen Bluey? No.

You don't watch Bluey?

No. I've never seen it.

Not even once.

I don't think so. No.

You've never seen Bluey?

How is that even possible? I said I never saw it.

Who that cares?

Oh, okay. No worries.

Oh, sorry about that. Total oops on my part.

Sorry. Yeah.

That's okay.

And anyway, Bluey is really cool,

and you should totally check it out. I will. Thanks, Jennifer.

Yeah. So, what kind of music do you guys like?

I really like Olivia Rodrigo, Yeah, yeah. Oh, I was like.

Well, I like Harry styles. So cute.

So cute.

Harry who? You know Harry styles?

No. Who is he?

Who is Harry styles? What part of aisle are you from?

Everyone knows Harry styles.

Well, I do know Glen. Jesus.

Okay. I just thought everyone knew all about Harry styles.

But drop that.

I said I don't, okay? God, what difference does it make?

Oh, no worries.

Oops. Sorry, I did it again. I guess.

Hey, girls, just checking in.

How's everyone getting along? Great.

When will it be over?

Oh, I told your moms to pick you up at seven, I ordered pizza.

It'll be here any minute.

Okay. Did you hear that? Pizza? I love pizza.

I love pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza.

I love it.

Wow. It's actually a really cool dance. Agnes.

Oh, thanks, Mary. I love to dance.

Oh. Do you know any dances from TikTok?

Stop asking her if she knows stuff here.

Stand over here

and I'll play one.

I don't think I know.

I don't know this one. Just do it.

I bet you can get it. It's okay. It looks kind of hard.

Come on, Agnes, just do it. I said I don't want to.

Do you have any cricket?

That's fine.

Sorry, girls.

I was just really scared about doing it wrong, I guess.

Oh. That's okay. Thank you.

You had just tried it.

Oh my God, just let it go. Oh.

Anyone else would take a trip?

No, no, no. You.

Agnes.

Agnes, I think I might have offended you.

I, I think we just got off on the wrong foot.

Oh, you just opened the gates of hell.

Oh, we're sorry, Agnes.

Moving to a new place must be really overwhelming.

Yeah. When I moved here, I was super scared.

Almost as much as I am right now. Oh, really?

Thanks. That means a lot.

Hey, girls, the pizza's here.

Eat it in the bushes.

Shoo!

Girls, I'm so sorry. I keep throwing Marie.

I get little mad when I lose it.

Do you think Marie is okay? I don't,

but that's all right.

Is it? Yeah. We actually don't like Marie.

She's mean and her mom sleeps around. Yeah.

Oh, so you're her new friend now?

Let's dance.

Wait, I'm getting it.

Yeah.

Looking a lot.

Looking good, girl. Don't push me, Marie.

Go, Claire.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, CARDI B!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪ OOH

OOH

OOH

OOH ♪

♪ SOMEBODY BETTER GET HER

'CAUSE SHE OUT HERE

LOOKIN' FINE ♪

♪ BETTER POP YOUR --

BECAUSE I'M OUT HERE

POPPIN' MINE ♪

♪ THE WAY

THESE DIAMONDS HITTIN'

BITCHES DAMN NEAR

GOIN' BLIND ♪

♪ LOOK 'CAUSE DON JULIO

GON' DO THE TRICK EVERY TIME

YEAH ♪

♪ -- LOSE ME

YOU KNOW THAT -- OUT HIS MIND

OOH ♪

♪ TELL HER MAKE A HIT

SHE IN THE STU'

JUST WASTIN' TIME

OOH ♪

♪ IF I TAKE YOUR --

I DON'T WANNA HEAR NO CRYIN'

OOH ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I AIN'T SAY --

WHEN HOES WAS OUT HERE

-- MINE LOOK ♪

♪ OUTSIDE GRINDIN'

I'MA SHINE ALL SUMMER ♪

♪ BAD-ASS BITCH

I KNOW THAT EVERY --

WANT HER ♪

♪ REAL FINE -- MAN

I GET IT FROM MY MOTHER

I'M A DEMON I'LL -- YOUR OPP

AND -- YOUR BROTHER ♪

♪ BOTTLE AFTER BOTTLE

AFTER BOTTLES

IN THIS MOTHER -- ♪

♪ ALL MY FRIENDS TENS

LOOK LIKE MODELS

IN THIS MOTHER -- ♪

♪ HOES THROWIN' ASS

NEED SOME DOLLARS

IN THIS MOTHER -- ♪

♪ BAD YELLOW BITCH

LOOK LIKE LATTO

IN THIS MOTHER -- ♪

♪ SOMEBODY BETTER GET HER

'CAUSE SHE OUT HERE

LOOKIN' FINE ♪

♪ BETTER POP YOUR --

BECAUSE I'M OUT HERE

POPPIN' MINE ♪

♪ THE WAY

THESE DIAMONDS HITTIN'

BITCHES DAMN NEAR

GOIN' BLIND ♪

♪ LOOK 'CAUSE DON JULIO

GON' DO THE TRICK EVERY TIME

YEAH ♪

♪ -- LOSE ME

YOU KNOW THAT -- OUT HIS MIND

OOH ♪

♪ TELL HER MAKE A HIT

SHE IN THE STU'

JUST WASTIN' TIME

OOH ♪

♪ IF I TAKE YOUR --

I DON'T WANNA HEAR NO CRYIN'

OOH ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I AIN'T SAY --

WHEN HOES WAS OUT HERE

-- MINE LOOK ♪

♪ NEW BAG NEW ICE

-- ON THESE BITCHES'

WHOLE LIFE ♪

♪ FAT ASS

YOU WANT A BITE HUH

FOR A BAD BITCH

I'M A WHOLE -- ♪

♪ IF I HIT THE CLUB

I'M GOIN' HOME

WITH A STRIPPER

STRIPPER ♪

♪ I GOT A BANGIN' BODY

THEN I'M ON IT

LIKE SOME GLITTER HUH ♪

♪ MAYBE I'M BUGGIN'

BUGGIN'

MAYBE I'M TRIPPIN'

TRIPPIN' ♪

♪ I LET YOU HAVE THE -- HO

HOW COME YOU AIN'T WITH HIM

AH ♪

♪ I'M SOMEWHERE

ON THE AMALFI COAST

TANNIN' SOMEWHERE NAKED

NAKED ♪

♪ YOU SOMEWHERE

ON THE WATER BROKE

BITCHES MUST BE PREGNANT

AYY ♪

♪ Y'ALL -- ON MY EX NOW

DAMN Y'ALL

MUST BE DESPERATE ♪

♪ R.I.P. TO O.G. MACO

WHO THE BADDEST BITCH

YOU GUESSED IT BRR ♪

♪ BOTTLE AFTER BOTTLE

AFTER BOTTLES

IN THIS MOTHER -- ♪

♪ ALL MY FRIENDS BAD

LOOK LIKE MODELS

IN THIS MOTHER -- ♪

♪ BITCHES THROWIN' ASS

NEED SOME DOLLARS

IN THIS MOTHER -- ♪

♪ BAD YELLOW BITCH

LOOK LIKE LATTO

IN THIS MOTHER --

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH ♪

♪ IT'S YOUR GIRL CARDI B

♪ I'M NOT YOUR GIRL

NOT YOUR GIRL ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Tarzan.

Tarzan! Honey.

Dinner's ready. Oh!

Tarzan.

Home.

There you are, Tarzan.

You've been gone all day.

Now go wash up.

I made your favorite bugs with mud sauce. Tarzan? Not hungry?

Well, what do you mean? You love bugs with mud sauce?

What's wrong? Jane.

We need to talk.

Tarzan.

Think maybe this not working anymore.

Wait a second. Are you breaking up with me?

What did I do wrong, Tarzan?

Been thinking,

Jane give up whole life for naked man

raised by gorillas who no speak English.

Make Tarzan think. What's wrong with Jane?

Like what that say about Jane?

You know.

You think something's wrong with me?

No, it's not about Jane.

Tarzan just needs to lock in on work stuff.

Okay, I understand, but something is wrong with Jane.

Jane?

Only friends with animals.

Why? No friends from old life in London?

That big red flag.

Also, Jane, say boobs are huge for human.

Tarzan.

Dumb, but not that dumb.

Okay, Tarzan, let's just not do anything rash.

Hello there.

We're here from Leopard in Sun's movies. I'm a leopard.

This here is my son.

We're here to help the flat chested British lady move out.

No, no, not good time. Oh. No problem.

Me and my shy son will be back later.

What's that son?

Oh, my son just made the astute observation

that both of you smell stinky. Good bye.

You know what? Fine.

I'll go.

Jane will go. Tarzan. No love Jane any more.

That's another thing, Jane. Make fun away. Tarzan talk.

Tarzan never make fun of Jane's English accent.

Which part of England? Jane from Long Island.

Hey, you watching buddy?

Very well. Good luck finding another woman like me.

Tarzan penis two feet long. Tarzan blocking.

But Tarzan, what to say?

Tarzan never forget Jane.

I'll never forget you either.

Because Jane teach Tarzan about something magical,

something Tarzan never experienced before.

Love mouth stuff.

What did you say? Nothing. Goodbye, Jane.

Goodbye, Tarzan.

Wait. We in Treehouse.

So then I say to the guy, hey, what do you put in this gumbo?

Gandalf's dusty nutsack. What?

Oh, that got me in Gandalf's dusty nutsack.

You are hysterical.

Did you just come up with that?

Yeah.

It's my kind of sense of humor, I guess.

Jessica, when you said that you were

bringing your new boyfriend on our ski trip.

I'll be honest, I was furious.

But. Wow, he's so funny. Yeah, funny.

And, like, a cool, edgy way, too. You're so lucky, girl.

Yeah, Dave's quite the comedian.

Hey, Dave, you want me to take that coat for you? It looks hot.

No, I'll keep it on.

Thanks again for letting me come, guys.

This is more fun than smoking crack with Susan Boyle.

Oh, damn. It is so.

Wow. Yeah.

All my friends think you're hilarious.

It's actually to be pretty horny.

Oh, well, why don't we go take care of that?

I like that.

All right, well, guys, it was so great to meet you all,

but we should get going.

Oh, crap.

Babe, what is all this? I don't know.

This is really weird. What is all this stuff?

Smoking crack with Susan Boyle.

Date.

Are these Cards Against Humanity cards?

I don't think so.

What tape are you reading off?

Cards Against Humanity cards to make

people think that you're funny.

No, that would be weird. Like what?

Pooping your pants at Legoland.

Dave, you said this to me, but moments ago.

No, I don't think so. No, I know some.

I asked you what you did for a living,

and you said pooping your pants at Legoland.

I remember because I laughed so hard,

I pooped my pants,

and I had to go get my gym shorts from my car.

Okay, this is so weird.

I really want to get to the bottom of this.

An inconvenient boner while watching Marley and Me.

Dave, you said this word for word to me.

Why would you say that?

Cause I asked you if you were worried about traffic later.

And you said you were more worried

about an inconvenient boner while watching Marley in.

I remember because I laughed so hard I tried to kiss you.

Yeah, well, I don't remember that at all.

Dropping acid with the mariachi band at Josh Gad's quinceanera.

You said this to me ten minutes ago.

I don't recall that.

I told you that

my uncle died recently, and you said that sounds worse

than dropping acid with the mariachi band

and Josh Gad's quinceanera.

I remember because I laughed so hard.

I tried to make love to you.

Who are you?

Because I don't even know anymore.

Are you even twins? No,

I'm just a normal.

Growing up, I never said anything twisted.

Like if someone asked me what I wanted for lunch,

I just say a sandwich instead of something awesome, like.

Jacking off the Kool-Aid, man till he says, oh, yeah.

Then in college, I played Cards Against Humanity

and I, you know, I picked out a card and people

would say, laugh and go like, damn that boy. You're right.

You need Jesus.

But for the first time in my life, I felt goaded.

Goaded with a soft.

You hear me, mom?

Your boy is golden.

Come on. Wait. That's us.

After that, I decided to carry

at least three decks of cards with me at all times

and flawlessly work them into every conversation.

Okay, well, are you going to.

How are you going to pick these up, then?

Yeah, of course, of course I am.

Of course I am. Who do you think I am?

Hitler's hairy buttcrack dude. You need Jesus.

>>> MY THANKS TO CARDI B, PETE DAVIDSON

STELLAN SKARSGARD, MY UNCLE JACK MCBRAYER

LORNE MICHAELS

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, EVERYONE, FOR COMING.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪