Original subtitles

Live from Hollywood at the Donald J. Trump Chinese Theater.

It's the first annual Trumps the awards honoring the best

in being or succumbing to President Trump.

And now your host.

President Donald J.

Trump.

Thank you so much.

It truly is an honor to be here

hosting the drums after that lady,

whose name I already forget gave me her Nobel Prize.

I thought, I need more awards.

And after where all my little freaks

and psychos and ice have been doing.

I need more distractions. Look, everything's gold and shiny.

And what a crowd we have tonight.

So many awful, terrible people in the house.

I'd like to get a round of applause going for the nominees.

But my doctors say if I clap, both my dead

purple hands will explode with blood.

It's probably nothing to worry about.

Doctors say I could live to be 120 or current age.

You know, this is such a special night.

Everyone wants to go home with Trump.

Except, of course, Melania.

Hilarious.

Well, we've got a six hour show ahead of us,

so let's keep things spiraling.

Here to present the award for Best

Picture of me are vice president for now, J.D.

Vance and President Forever.

Donald Trump.

I g. Hi.

Donald c

did you know if that I win in 2028,

I would be the first president

in 100 years to have a beard. Wow.

And speaking of your beard, how's your wife, Usha?

Very good sir.

I'm insinuating you're gay.

The nominees for Best Picture of me are

staring into the distance while man has medical emergency

next to him

molesting flag

redacted Epstein files

and receiving another fake award that he made FIFA invent

to give to himself. And the award goes to.

It's Trump receiving another fake award.

This is Donald Trump's first Trump award,

even though he deserved to win hundreds of them.

But Norway somehow blocked.

Wow. Wow.

This feels incredible. I love me, I really love me.

I have so few people to thank myself.

And of course, the big man upstairs,

which is what I call my brain tumor. Yo.

And if I could be serious for a moment.

There is so much horrible stuff

going on in our country, in the world right now.

But I promise you, I'm just getting started.

Thank you. Eric, go to bed.

And now please welcome the President of Argentina, Harvey.

But he did include a check for another $10 million.

These guys, he's also

brought out right out of yours, amigo.

I'm taking this award.

I'm taking Greenland, and I'm taking Zootopia.

We love you to don't a I love those guys.

I reckon all know

I recognize all those animals from my cognitive exams.

Now here to present the award for best

kiss are two legends of horror

and Gladys from the movie weapons

and my immigration advisor Stephen Miller.

Hi everyone.

You know, I thought I was terrifying until I met this guy.

Thank you.

The nominees for Best kiss are

JD Vance, Trump's ass.

Kristi Noem, Trump's ass.

Kash Patel, Trump's ass,

and Donald J. Trump Putin's ass.

And the winner is

Kristi Noem.

Oh oh wow.

Oh oh wow.

Wow. Well, I am, honored

and in no way dead inside to win a Trump.

I feel like I should dedicate this award to President Trump,

and I accept. Thank you. Sweetie.

Oh, wait, but I won.

I'm gonna let you finish, but drop guard.

One of the best videos of all time.

Of all time. Kanye, you can go.

I'll keep this short

because I have a lot more awards to win tonight.

I just want to thank my longtime

agent Loki, the god of mischief, trickery and chaos.

I wouldn't be able to do this without you, man.

I love you, man.

And now here to accept the Lifetime

Achievement award for comedy.

Even though he might not always intended

my close x friend Elon Musk.

Come on, come on.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Right. Oh,

I'm. I'm so emotionless to be here.

And if anyone knows humor, it's me, you know.

No tariffs on you. Ready guys? Comedy. Come on, come on guys.

Hey. Unfortunately

it wasn't all laugh this year. Now not all Laughs.

There are a few things we had to say goodbye to

because we destroyed them.

So here to perform a mournful

rendition of America's Funniest Home Videos team,

please welcome Carrie Underwood

and the construction worker for the Village People.

Let's go.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

Red, white and blue.

The funniest things you do.

America, America.

This is you.

America. America.

This is you.

And live from New York it|s Saturday Night

♪♪

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST GEESE!

AND YOUR HOST, TEYANA TAYLOR!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- TEYANA

TAYLOR!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

Thank you all.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much.

I am your host, Teyana Taylor,

and I'm so honored to be hosting Saturday Night Live.

Yes. Now, I'm a Harlem girl, and I love New York,

but it's freezing out here.

That's why I had to get a spot in Miami.

Because the bitch is cold.

You know, no wonder why us New Yorkers be so agitated.

Cause this we call.

This week has been very insane.

I was nominated for an Oscar for one battle after another.

It is a dream come true.

I found out the way every little girl wants to find out.

Getting fitted for a ball cap next to Mikey Day.

All of this has gotten overwhelming

because I am a really shy person, believe it or not,

who does not like a lot of attention, for an example.

Here's me at my 16 birthday party.

Yay yay!

Yes, I was on MTV's My Super Sweet 16.

I've had the chance to do so many things in my life,

from singing to dancing to acting to directing.

And yes, I am currently in culinary school. Chef ING it up.

Thank them.

Hell, I even randomly one masked

singer dressed as a firefly for

me. I consider myself ugly. Plug in.

Why only plug me in a bathroom when I can

make the whole building smell good? You feel me?

And also, I am a mom.

People ask when I sleep, but don't worry,

I get a full eight hours a week.

Both my pregnancies were very, very peaceful.

I did all the things I was supposed to do.

I was going to yoga, taking vitamins, avoiding raw fish.

I think we have a video of me pregnant right here.

See? Yes.

So wholesome, so calm.

Man, I really, really love my kids so much.

So I bring them everywhere with me.

I ain't even going to front.

But when I was giving my speech at the Golden Globes,

I looked up to see my babies.

I want to see their faces, you know,

just to see that they were scrolling on their phones.

So I'm like, this is so amazing. Get off the phone.

What an honor. Get off the phones.

But for real, I feel so lucky.

I've worked so hard throughout my career to get to this point,

and I'm just so grateful to be here with my babies.

Cheer me on.

We have a great show for y'all tonight.

Geese is here.

So stick around and we'll be right back.

I really hope we board soon.

I need to be in warm weather, like yesterday.

I have faith, hun. We can't do last forever.

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you for bearing with us through this big old

winter storm.

We know how frustrating these delays

have been in the meantime.

And in between time, we have an update for you.

Finally. Thank God, and it's off for a blow.

We will be providing

update the best way we know through songs.

Hit a baby.

We know it's frustrating when you really want to fly,

but too bad your plane delay has not arrived.

If I were you right now, I would start to pray

because it's looking like you won't be flying today.

Yeah. We are super delayed. More updates coming real soon.

They just say we might not get on the plane today.

I do think they sang that. Yes.

Oh my goodness. Thank you for your flowers.

We are shrimp and grits.

Bringing you smooth sounds from gate C

32, in the Mel Gibson Regional terminal.

And my name is Lashley. As in first lien.

Lashley and I am parfait as in the parfait.

Don't start till I walk in.

Okay. I'm sorry.

These delays are not acceptable.

Okay, so accept these nuts.

All right.

Are we going to get a flight out of here today or not?

That is correct.

Listen, it is what it is, y'all.

This is Trump's America. Mayor Pete Buda Greg can now save you.

He cannot save you. Did you say Pete Booty? Greg.

Listen, we don't make the rules.

We just sing them to you.

Speaking of,

we do have an update on the status of your plane.

Oh. Thank God. Okay, good.

Honey, honey, I could see the plane.

He looking right.

Cause it's got no wings.

Basically, a bus.

What?

What do you mean? It has no wings?

What do you not understand about this?

The plane ain't got no way they need to put him on.

Have you ever seen a plane flying knowing

it's not going to take long?

All right, they just don't snap him in.

Click. Boom!

We got him. Okay, that does not seem right.

It is not right because a normal plane looks like this.

And y'all plane is looking like this.

Okay, well, thank you for the visual aid.

Okay. You have been a problem all day.

Okay. We are not checking bags, but we are checking attitude.

Oh, look, y'all must have been praying

because the pilot is here and he has an update for you.

Oh, thank God.

Hello, everyone. Thank you for your patience.

Good news is we found the plane's wings.

Bad news is I'm drunk,

so I guess you can

blame it on the vodka. Blame it on the Henny.

Blame it on him. Five shots got me feeling dizzy.

I cannot fly, This plane, I cannot fly, at this plane.

Hey, she says usually don't.

I'm just gonna let me can.

We'll stop right there.

I, thought

I ordered virgin margaritas, but then things came slutty.

This is ridiculous. I'm calling my wife.

Hey, Melissa. Yeah?

I don't think I'm going to be home tonight.

Oh, honey, come back to bed.

Why would you do that?

This is, I like, missed something. This is ridiculous.

Let's just go. Yeah. I'm right behind you, babe.

Oh, ladies, gentlemen, you're not gonna believe this.

The pilot has had some Pedialyte,

and the ground crew snap the wings on.

So hurry up, y'all.

Your plane leaves in five minutes.

And as always, we will be boarding military in Fineman first.

You know, here's hesitating.

We only got five minutes upon this wave.

They've watched it a thousand times.

They can quote every line as far as your kids are concerned.

The only movie that matters this award season is

Hey pop demon shadow after another.

Now bring the battle home with one battle after another.

Action figures from Mattel.

Welcome to the Revolution, kids. Now fight them demons.

Oh, I saw all your favorite heroes

and villains from Paul Thomas Anderson's critically lauded

masterpiece about resistance in the face of racial tyranny.

Now in the palm of your hands.

Yeah, like battle royale Bob Ferguson with Light Up Joint

and Little homing device.

So. Hi, sensei. Sergio with real beer chugging action.

I had a few small beers.

Collect all your favorite revolutionaries. Oh, hello.

What's your name? My name is Jungle Pussy.

Becca Lee See my face.

This is what Black Power looks like.

And don't forget about the city of Beverly Hills.

Oh, snap on pregnant belly, a machine gun.

Take that pig! La la la la la la la la la la la la.

But look out

hot on

their trail is the buff, weird Colonel Lockjaw

with realistic arm veins and mobile paternity testing kit.

Failure is not an option. Okay. Yes, sir.

Do you like black girls? What?

Because I love them, I love em

Plus, take your battles to the next

level with one battle after another place.

That's like Sensei Sergio's

apartment with real working trapdoor

to help your Latino friends escape.

Or make one moral sacrifice after another.

In the dimly lit motel room.

Oh, no, we're not doing that scene.

Okay.

And take the battle and roll with

deluxe vehicles like Bob's Crappy Car

or 50 piece Desert Road with so many rolling hills.

One battle after another.

Action figures, vehicles and playsets from Mattel.

Part of the Paul Thomas Anderson Master set.

I've abandoned my child.

Have abandoned my child.

I|ve abandoned my boy

Hello.

Welcome back to Empower Field here in Denver as the Broncos

take on the New England Patriots in the AFC Championship.

And this one is a clash between two great defenses. Right Troy.

Oh yeah. The unstoppable force versus the immovable object Joe.

Yeah I don't know who's going to win, but, Heck,

just get out of the way.

All right, well, we'll get into our analysis shortly.

But first,

did you know Hulu now on Disney Plus has all the adult dramas

you crave, from the bear to alien Earth

and now the steamy new lesbian culinary drama quests.

They thought they were straight until they met in the kitchen.

And that's when things started cooking.

Yes, these queer chefs have America

gagged and goofed its chefs. Streaming now only on Hulu.

And, well, color me intrigued.

Yo, yo. Hey, what do you think? Quest is short for queer chefs.

Let's not guess right now.

Last week, the Broncos lost their starting

quarterback, Bo Nix to an ankle injury.

Let's go down to our sideline

reporter Lisa Salters with an update.

Thanks, Joe.

Well, the Broncos have nothing to be ashamed of.

They had a great season and shouldn't hold back their heads.

Hold their heads hot.

I'm sure they'll be the team to watch next year.

Lisa, the game hasn't even started yet.

Think you're writing off the Broncos a little early?

I mean, come on,

they ain't got no quarterback.

Like, come on now, Lisa. Denver is a very capable team.

They could win.

Yeah, but like, come on Troy, back to you.

Well Denver will start back up Jarrett Stidham

who hasn't played a snap all year.

Well now hey Joe I like the guy.

You know I think he could surprise us.

I know you do.

And speaking of surprises it's

one part sugar and all part spice.

This week on an all new class.

Things are heating up in the kitchen

for Evangelist and Tatiana.

But if Bridget has her way,

it's D-Day for these three gay theys.

Featuring music by Swaby.

It's quests.

That part. Oh, whoa. Music by suave.

Hey, you know, I thought suave was just an act.

Troy, there's no way you know who that is.

I do not, Joe.

Now, I'm seeing that Lisa has some news

on the Denver quarterback situation.

Lisa, is Bo Nix on the sidelines? Nope.

I don't know where he is, but I have an update from his fan.

So what's your name?

Jarrett Stidham who now.

Jared Stidham I'm Denver's starting quarterback tonight

okay. Well congrats on a great season and better luck next year

Hold on.

He said we got a great team here I think we can win this game.

Yeah but Jarrett come on

back to you Joy.

Oh wow. So that's Jarrett Stidham.

You know I didn't know that's what he looked like.

Yeah no one did.

But one thing I do know is quest is back.

And I am sat this week on quests.

Evangelist and Tatiana are serving filets

with a side of slay,

while Bridget and her soft Dom Suave

sought out their situationship with the help of guest star

Governor Gavin Newsom.

See the show that has the New York Times raving

not my ass watching quest quests. It's giving quests.

You see, Joe, I told you Swami was an actor.

Troy. You know, I think he just got lucky there.

Sure did. Joe, you got me.

And I've been told we have an update

from Lisa on the sidelines. Any Bo? Next news. Lisa.

Hey, Joe. I actually had a question about quest.

Okay, okay. What's going on with the title quest?

It sounds weird, right?

I mean, you add one more letter and it's okay.

Thank you so much, Lisa. That's weird.

No need to say it out loud. I think everybody clocked that.

Let's go now to our keys

to the game, brought to you by FanDuel.

And, oh, my God, talking quests.

Talking quests is the quests aftershow.

This week's hosts, Rene Rapp and Trevor Noah,

are joined by panelists including Taylor Tomlinson, Bob

the drag Queen, and whoa, Denver quarterback Bo Nix.

Interesting.

It's talking quests tonight. After quests.

Quests they ain't been had to do all that, mama.

Whoa. Bo Nix is on talking quests.

That's huge.

I don't think it is, Troy.

So kick off to the AFC Championships in two minutes.

And if you want to see that flip on over to CBS.

We don't have football anymore

this season, but if you stay on ESPN,

we do have the world cornhole quarterfinals coming up.

That's great. I'm gonna head out. I don't blame you, Troy.

Hi, everybody, I'm Cassidy flask.

I assume everyone's here for the confidence class,

where you find confidence, the power of you. Is that right?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Great.

Believe it or not,

this gal in front of you once had no confidence.

I didn't think I was worthy.

I remember once I lost our job I really wanted.

I cried for days, and then I was like, what am I doing?

A job doesn't define me, I define me.

And that is how I found the power in me.

So what do you say we get started?

Why didn't you get the job?

Sorry, job. You want it?

Why didn't you get it?

Just didn't go my way.

Now let's get started. Did they just not like you?

I just didn't get it.

But instead of talking about the past,

why don't we talk?

Did you say something like weird in the interview?

No. Nope. And the job story is just part of my intro.

Did you hear what you hear now? What?

Did you hear what you're wearing? Now to the interview.

Did you hear this outfit? No.

Oh, God. Cause I don't like it.

You know what?

Once upon a time, that comment would have made

me eat a burger in my car.

But now I hear it, and I don't fear it.

Come on.

How about you try that? So, what did you wear?

What? To the interview.

Something nice.

Leather pants.

Leather pants?

Yeah, just like a nice pair

of leather pants and some leather gloves.

Well, that's why she didn't get the job.

Oh, okay. Okay, you know what? Let's get us back on track.

What's important is first impressions. Rule number one.

Show them what you're working with. It.

Let's take a look at a sample resume.

I'm sorry. Is.

Is that your resume? Yeah.

So what do we notice? What are we seeing here?

That you take selfies like a Uber driver?

Okay.

All right, you know what?

I'm more showing this for formatting.

Okay.

Well, it says that you do voices and personal computer. No.

What voices do you do?

Heard I word I have.

Yeah.

Was that the voice? Yes.

It also says from 2014 to 2025, you were a dolly Parton

impersonator. Can we see your Dolly Parton?

It's too close to Yoda.

And I just did that for the room. Okay.

I'm sorry. With that resonate.

What job could you have possibly been interviewing for?

Oh, my God, find Michelle Obama's speechwriter.

But how? No.

Oh my God. There's a writing sample at the bottom.

When they go low, we go high.

Right.

So where everybody from you in the front are you to a couple.

The guys in the door.

Guess that makes it a girl went out of his league.

Michelle laughed and adlibs the rest of the speech. Okay.

You you wrote her doing crowd work.

Guys do you want confidence or not? I'm sorry.

I'm not really sure anymore.

Well, I'm sure about this. Rule number two.

Clothes tell the story.

Oh, my.

Yeah. Oh. Is that your bathroom?

Why is it so dirty? Yes, it is full of water. Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

You know what? You guys are fixated. Let's shake it off,

All right. Relationships.

When I found my power, I found a loving boyfriend

who's waiting outside for me right now.

He's outside right now.

Yeah.

Can you bring him in so we can meet him?

I don't want you to meet him. Why not?

Because of how he looks.

How does he look?

Not good.

Can you describe him?

Like if a goblin lived in New York.

What? Oh my God.

Are you okay?

Oh, no.

Sometimes.

Okay. Like when?

Oh. Oh.

I guess we're done.

Class dismissed.

Wait wait wait. Professor.

I'm just realizing

you actually made me feel way more confident.

After meeting you, I feel amazing about myself.

Yeah. Me too. Me too.

Then my job here is done.

Do you guys want to see my dolly?

Sure. Yeah. Okay.

Jolene. Jolene.

Jolene. Jolene.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GEESE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ YOU CAN STAY WITH ME

BABY YOU CAN STAY WITH ME

AND NOBODY WOULD CARE ♪

♪ YOU CAN STAY WITH ME

YOU CAN STAY WITH ME

AND JUST PRETEND

I'M NOT THERE ♪

♪ LIKE A SAILOR

IN A BIG GREEN BOAT

LIKE A SAILOR

IN A BIG GREEN COAT ♪

♪ YOU CAN BE FREE

YOU CAN BE FREE

AND STILL COME HOME ♪

♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT

I'M ALL RIGHT

♪♪

♪ YOU CAN CHANGE

YOU CAN CHANGE

YOU CAN CHANGE

YOU CAN CHANGE ♪

♪ YOU CAN CHANGE

YOU CAN CHANGE

YOU CAN CHANGE

YOU CAN CHANGE ♪

♪ YOU CAN CHANGE

BABY YOU CAN CHANGE

AND STILL CHOOSE ME ♪

♪ LIKE A SAILOR

IN A BIG GREEN COAT

LIKE A SAILOR

IN A BIG GREEN BOAT ♪

♪ YOU CAN BE FREE

YOU CAN BE FREE

JUST COME HOME

PLEASE ♪

♪ PLEASE PLEASE

I'M ALL RIGHT

I'M ALL RI-I-IGHT

I'M FINE ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ WELL

I'M ALL RIGHT ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you very much.

Good evening everyone. Thank you.

Welcome to weekend update I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.

Well, during a press conference

celebrating his first year in office, President

Trump said that God was very proud

of the job he's doing as president.

Trump added that God was

probably looking up at us right now, smiling from horn to huff.

Also, remember when President Trump straight

up told us he was going to hell?

But he thinks that after this week, God is back on board.

Vice president J.D.

Vance criticized protesters confronting Ice officers,

saying they should instead write an op

ed or argue about it on social media.

You know, just like these young scholars did on January 6th.

I get that Ice agents are people allegedly,

and they have a job to do, but at some point, well, you're

pepper spraying old ladies or shooting at a nurse.

Do you ever stop and ask yourself, are we dicks?

President Trump has been inviting

world leaders to join his Board of Peace,

or be crushed by his Council of destruction.

Trump's Board of Peace consists of countries

such as Russia and Saudi Arabia,

which is like if Law and Order SVU star Diddy.

President Trump called off his proposed tariffs

on European countries who oppose his desire to acquire

Greenland. Trump backed down after

consulting his most trusted advisor.

The stocks app at the singing of the U.S.

national anthem at an NBA game in London was interrupted

by protesters yelling, Leave Greenland alone!

And you know, we've gone too far when the British are, like,

easy on the colonizing old Trump.

President Trump has spent so much time

stalking Greenland like an absolute psycho.

He's basically become a guy on a dating app.

He's like, hey, Greenland, you look so good.

And Greenland's like, haha, thanks.

And Trump's like, seriously, I need you.

I literally give $700 billion to be with you.

And Greenland is like, look,

not trying to be mean, but I'm not interested.

And Trump's like, I'll kill you, you ugly bitch.

Just off the top of my head.

Yeah, sure.

The House Oversight

Committee announced that next month

it will depose Ghislane Maxwell

as part of its Jeffrey Epstein investigation.

In the meantime, they've turned off the cameras

to give her privacy to play with her new chair in long rope.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Take her side

with Gen Z terms like cook to an aura gaining popularity.

Older people are feeling out of the loop here to act as our Gen

Z translator is our very own Marcello Hernandez.

Oh. What's up?

What's up? Colin?

What's up?

So you are here to translate some Gen Z slang?

Yes. I am calling to help out older folks like you.

We're basically the same age.

Never give up.

The first word I want to help translate is chopped.

This one is big. You've probably heard it before.

Yeah, I know chopped. It's the show on the Food Network.

Never give up.

No, chopped is an adjective used to describe

something that is visually unappealing.

For example, this picture of Colin from middle school.

It's chopped.

You get it from my parents.

A joke's on you. That picture is actually of me from college.

That's worse.

But that's right.

You have experienced what we call a glow up.

You went from busted to hear me out, though.

Thanks.

So, how are you? Not.

Why not teaching any of this stuff to che

or che knows this stuff?

Because Gen Z slang is African American slang.

Basically, black people start saying something, then

young people think it's cool, so they start saying it.

Then white people say it.

And then once Elon Musk says it, it's over.

Oh no man, that's that's cap.

Wait, wait, what?

What's that sound?

Cap has officially passed away.

No, no.

Oh my R.I.P cap no,

you know you're not teach anything by the way.

Okay, Boomer.

Maybe it would help if I use Gen Z terms

to talk about something you're into.

So it was one of your interests.

I mean, Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, I think

obviously.

Yeah. Salty through and through.

And then, I don't know, World War two.

All right, let's do World War two.

Oh, sure.

So. Okay. What? War two?

Okay, so basically,

after World War one, Germany's economy was in its flop era,

so they started moving out of pocket

thanks to Hitler, who was a certified crash up.

Then he became the world's,

And so he got high key overstimulated.

And then he low key on allowed himself.

And then everybody was like, far.

Oh, that was awesome. Yeah.

And, made total sense.

I guess you can say Hitler was chopped

like, oh no, not again.

No R.I.P child oh, don't show the tombstone.

Oh, God.

All right, well you know what, man?

You stop playing in my face, okay? Be so for real.

You come to my desk,

drag me when you're the one sipping that dumb bitch juice.

Okay.

You must be the Lulu boo boo.

Because I'm about to crash out right now for.

I think I speak for all of us when I say that was really good.

And you did your best. Thanks, man.

But I have bad news for you.

Call it

no, Marcello Hernandez.

Every logic from good and bad.

Yeah.

A new report shows that Disney World's upcoming Villains Land

will feature iconic Disney characters

such as Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. Guest.

All from beauty and the beast, Jafar

from Aladdin, and Melania from the inauguration.

A new study finds that men's desire for sex peeks

in their late 30s and early 40s, while for some reason,

women's desire for sex peeks

after watching a few episodes of gay hockey.

Taylor Swift has become the second youngest person

inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame,

behind Stevie Wonder.

But the difference with Taylor

is that they can't just say they made her a plaque.

I don't know why I thought you'd like that.

According to a new report, China's birth rate

has dropped to its lowest level since 1949.

Experts believe the decreasing number of Chinese children

could have a devastating effect on my sneaker collection.

That got them back.

Safety experts have created a new female crash test dummy

that could help better protect women in car accidents.

You can tell the dummy is female

because sometimes it just puts the car

in park and cries a little.

An Eagle Scout in Missouri has earned 140 badges,

which is every possible merit badge.

He also set the record for most molested boy.

I'm kidding.

You're records.

Unbreakable. Colin.

Said.

That wasn|t at dress rehearsal

A Swiss company has introduced a new suicide pod

designed for couples.

And it's much more affordable

than the suicide pod for single men.

Oh, me.

A video has gone viral of a mysterious Dorito

shaped aircraft flying over area 51.

It's called a triangle.

Fat ass

A memorial service is held in San Francisco for Claude,

a beloved albino alligator, at the California

Academy of Sciences that recently died.

But his memory will live on in my gorgeous new boots.

Channing Tatum announced that a stage version of magic Mike

will be opening soon in New York City, also opening soon.

Your aunt.

Got a recent study show that many Americans are afraid

to voice their opinions and fear of backlash.

Here to speak his mind without holding back is Mr. on Blast.

Hello, Colleen. Ha!

That's right. I'm Mr.

on blast and I ain't afraid to share an opinion or two.

So get ready because no one is safe from being put on blast.

Okay.

All right, well, go ahead. Do your worst.

First up, billionaires. What are we doing?

You're rich. We get it.

I mean, what does the billionaire even stand for? It.

Says.

Hey, Berhad's, your hedge fund is hedge dumb on blast.

I'm sorry.

Hedge dumb.

That was your best takedown of billionaires.

Yeah, I don't hold back.

Yeah, yeah. And, baby, we're just getting started.

Don't call me baby, okay? Okay, baby. Okay.

Next up, big Pharma. Ibuprofen.

More like I'd be putting you on blast.

I, I feel profound.

Your takedown of big pharma is ibuprofen.

Oh, baby. Colleen, you want me to dig in?

Well, how about this? Next up, Chinese man. Oh,

yeah.

I saw on the news that China's birth

rate is at an all time low. What? Boys, you can't get it up.

Hey, China, give me 20 minutes alone with your men.

And now show them a thing or two.

You want 20 minutes alone with all the men in China?

No, no, I mean, like

what I'm trying to say, like,

man, if you're having sexual

performance issues, clear your calendars,

because I will blast you until you are hard.

Stop!

Stop! Just stop.

Can I?

That cannot happen.

Stop enabling him.

Come on. That cannot possibly be what you meant to say.

Come on, man, give me a break.

When people flash is actually, like, really hard,

You know what? I actually. I bet it is hard.

Especially when you're out here

looking like blackjack dealer on a Disney cruise on blast.

Ha ha ha.

That was, It was really good, man.

Really psyched. Nope. That was dumb.

Oh, blast!

Are you.

Are you done?

Okay, Mr.

Blast, everyone for Weekend Update I|m Colin Jost

I'm Michael che. Good night.

>>> AND SWEETIE, MOM AND I ARE

JUST SO PROUD OF YOU.

AND TO OUR NEW SON-IN-LAW,

KEITH.

FROM NOW ON, CALL ME DAD.

>> AND YOU CAN CONTINUE TO CALL

ME CAROL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THANKS, DAD.

>> THANKS, CAROL.

>> ALL RIGHT, WELL FOOD WILL BE

SERVED SHORTLY.

THE KITCHEN JUST NEEDS A FEW

MORE MINUTES TO MICROWAVE THE

STEAK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IN THE MEANTIME, THE COUPLE

WANTS TO SAY A FEW WORDS.

>> THANK YOU ALL FOR JOINING US

ON OUR SPECIAL DAY, AND WE

WANTED TO GIVE SOMEONE A SPECIAL

SHOUT-OUT.

HE TURNED 87 LAST WEEK.

JUST HAD BOTH OF HIS KNEES

REPLACED, BUT HE CAME ALL THE

WAY FROM DETROIT.

KEITH'S GRANDPA JACKSON.

>> I WANT TO MEET THIS NEW GIRL.

>> WANT TO SEE YOU ON THE DANCE

FLOOR BUSTING A MOVE, GRANDPA.

>> MORE LIKELY TO BUST A HIP

THAN MOVE.

>> YEAH, MY DAD'S GOT JOKES,

HUH?

>> NOW LET'S DANCE!

>> OH-OH, WELL, YOU HEARD THE

BRIDE, FOLKS.

LET'S GET THINGS STARTED WITH A

LITTLE EARTH, WIND, AND FIRE!

♪♪

>> OH, MAN.

HARD TO BELIEVE MY BOY'S ALL

GROWN UP, HUH, DAD?

>> THEY'RE PLAYING MY SONG.

>> WHAT?

>> THEY'RE PLAYING MY SONG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE GROOVE GOT ME!

EVERYBODY OUT OF THE GODDAMN

WAY!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> WHOA, GRANDPA JACKSON'S ON

THE FLOOR!

>> GO, GRANDPA!

GO, GRANDPA!

GO, GRANDPA!

>> OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

OKAY, DADDY.

LET'S SIT BACK DOWN BEFORE YOU

GET HURT, NOW.

>> ALL RIGHT, SON.

YOU'RE RIGHT, SON.

Y'ALL KIDS HAVE SOME FUN NOW.

GIVE ME A GLASS.

>> ALL RIGHT.

HEY, Y'ALL.

LET'S KEEP THINGS GOING RIGHT

NOW.

HOW ABOUT WE GROOVE, HUH?

♪♪

>> OH!

THIS MY SONG!

>> WAIT --

>> THIS MY SONG!

>> I THOUGHT THE LAST ONE WAS

YOUR SONG.

>> THEY GOT THE GROOVE IN ME.

>> OH-OH.

♪ LET'S GROOVE TONIGHT ♪

>> COME HERE, BRIDE!

>> OKAY.

♪♪

>> OH, OKAY.

>> COME ON, CUPCAKE!

>> OKAY.

>> PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME.

THERE WE GO.

>> OKAY, GRANDPA.

YOU DONE HAVE SOME FUN.

>> GO AWAY.

>> COME ON.

>> HONESTLY, I DON'T MIND.

>> BUT I DO.

GRANDPA!

>> OKAY.

>> YES, THAT'S YOUR NEW

GRANDDAUGHTER THAT YOU'RE

FREAKING ON.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT, SON, YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAKING A FOOL OF MYSELF HERE.

Y'ALL KIDS HAVE FUN, Y'ALL.

>> ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE TIME FOR

GRANDPA JACKSON, Y'ALL.

HE'S WORKING HARD OUT THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

WHILE HE'S TAKING A BREAK, THE

REST OF US ARE GOING TO HEAD

DOWN TO A BOOGIE WONDERLAND.

♪♪

>> HEY, STOP PLAYING EARTH, WIND

& FIRE!

♪♪

>> IF ANYONE KNOWS A SONG THAT'S

NOT ONE OF GRANDPA'S SONGS, FEEL

FREE TO STOP BY THE BOOTH, LET

ME KNOW!

♪♪

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

DADDY!

[ CRACKING SOUND ]

>> OH, OH, MY GOD!

DAD!

IS ANYBODY HERE A DOCTOR?

>> I AM.

KINDA.

OH, I'M AFRAID THIS MAN'S BONES

ARE ALL GONE.

THEY ALL BROKE AT ONCE AND

TURNED TO POWDER.

THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO FOR

HIM.

>> BUT MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING I

CAN DO.

♪♪

♪♪

>> CHEERS FOR GRANDPA JACKSON,

Y'ALL!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

>> GO GRANDPA!

GO GRANDPA!

GO GRANDPA!

GO GRANDPA!

You love traitors and survivor.

So get ready for ABC's new deception

filled competition show, Backstab Island.

I'm here to get rich, not make friends.

I'm a fox, but I'll snake my way to the top of the island

out here.

My greatest advantage is my personality

disorder. Islanders will lie, cheat

and betray to win the backstab crown.

Out here. I don't need friends.

I am not here to make friends. And me?

I am here to make friends. It's the only reason I'm here.

I love people.

I'll take you down.

I don't care who you are or where you're from.

I do care who you are. And I do care where you're from.

Because I want to hang out. Once the show is over.

When we all get back home to LA

on this island.

Trust no one.

I'm here to burn bridges and show my body off on TV.

And now I'm here because my college friend group

drifted apart.

And I'm very lonely. I'm looking to hang out

with some creative types back in L.A..

I need the prize money because my dad is sick.

Sick?

My dad's not sick. And I hate that bitch.

I don't need the money.

I have plenty of the thing that I did

for my college friends when they stopped talking to me.

And if you thought the guava juice

wouldn't be flying this season, think again.

You tell Jen about my immunity conch.

You bitch!

I trusted you to keep my pink pinkeye a secret. You bitch!

I loved hanging out with you, you bitch.

Then why did you throw a drink at. My God, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Next up, Island skills will be put to the test.

I'm off my meds and on my period, my strength.

I will literally bite you.

My strength.

Perception. Oh my God, Nicole, you pushed me.

Or did I push her?

And my shrimp.

I can hook up with friends and not even be weird about it.

The next day I can joke about it or just be quiet.

Whatever you want. You take the lead and now follow.

That's a lot.

We hooked up and she was super weird about it. The next day.

He proposed it. Stab or be stabbed.

So tune in to find out who wins.

I'm gonna win. Nah. I'm win.

Sorry, boys, that money's mine.

Seriously, I'm getting a rash.

I don't really know if this is one of those shows

where you win games or have sex with people.

So I'm doing both.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, GEESE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I TRIED

♪♪

I TRIED

♪♪

I TRIED

♪♪

SO HARD ♪

♪ I TRIED

THERE'S A BOMB IN MY CAR

THERE'S A BOMB IN MY CAR ♪

♪ THERE'S A BOMB IN MY CAR

THERE'S A BOMB IN MY CAR

THERE'S A BOMB IN MY CAR ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ WHEN I WENT DEAF

WHEN I WENT DEAF

I JUST I USED MY EYES ♪

♪ BUT THOSE BASTARDS

STOOD ME IN A LONG LONG LONG

LONG LONG LONG

GOVERNMENT LINE ♪

♪ TILL I WENT

COMPLETELY BLIND ♪

♪ GET IN

LET'S DRIVE

THERE'S A BOMB IN MY CAR

THERE'S A BOMB IN MY CAR ♪

♪ THERE'S A BOMB IN MY CAR

THERE'S A BOMB IN MY CAR

THERE'S A BOMB IN MY CAR ♪

♪♪

♪ ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

ON AND ON AND ON

ON AND ON AND ON ♪

♪ YEAH

MY SON IS IN BED

MY DAUGHTERS ARE DEAD

MY WIFE'S IN THE SHED ♪

♪ MY HUSBAND'S LICKING

THE LEAD OF THE WALL

AND THE REST ARE FORCE-FED

OR ELSE BAKED INTO BREAD ♪

♪ AND NOTHING'S BEEN SAID

FOR FOUR AND A HALF DAYS ♪

♪ WHEN THAT LIGHT TURNS RED

I'M DRIVING AWAY

THERE'S A BOMB IN MY CAR ♪

♪♪

THERE'S A BOMB IN MY CAR ♪♪

THERE'S A BOMB IN MY CAR

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ OH HEY-EY-EY

THANK YOU ♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Thank you for joining us on Beyond the Headlines, where

we go into this week's news and get a little deeper.

I'm Michel Dixon with me today from The Guardian.

It's Christopher Wilkins from the Atlantic. Jackie

Donnelly and Calvin Emanuel with the Chicago Tribune.

It's great to be with you, Michel.

Well, let's start in Minneapolis,

where ice continues to raid homes and businesses

in what some people are calling an occupation.

Christopher, your take on this.

Well, Michel, the first word that comes

to mind is unprecedented.

I mean, you've got federal officers roaming

the streets just pulling people out of their cars

based on how they look.

I mean, this just doesn't happen in America

other than.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I know it happens with some police.

There are certainly bad cops out there, of course, but

this is an entire federal force weaponized

against the people it's supposed to protect. It's insane.

Oh, okay.

Right. Sure. Okay.

But the difference here is these officers are marching

through neighborhoods with the express mission

of just stirring things up

so they can violently arrest people. That's new.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's okay. I mean, you guys know what I mean, though.

Can someone else go, please?

Very well.

Jackie.

On Sunday, NCIS protesters interrupted a church service,

and now the Trump administration has arrested two people.

Our tactics like this, hurting their calls.

I mean, it's unlikely this was an isolated incident

and probably won't slow the movement down.

I mean, let's be honest, not a lot of Democrats

go to church anymore,

okay? Of course, Democrats

go to church, but it's a community thing.

It's not just all about Jesus. Oh.

Did she just say church thing about Jesus?

Well color me surprised.

Now I know it's about Jesus.

It's just left leaning churches are not you know, so political.

Amen. Oh, okay. Stop.

That's not at all what I meant. Right.

I mean, Jackie knows very well

that all kinds of people attend church.

I mean, if it matters, I've started going again. Really?

Good for you.

Yeah. Ever since they changed it.

So you don't have to dress up anymore.

I mean, how nice is it to wear jeans to church, right?

Oh, yeah.

Let's move on to international news.

The Trump administration continues

to try and take over Greenland

despite forced opposition from Europe.

Jackie, how does this end? Well, I don't know.

But I do know that, you know,

it's likely a violation of international law.

I mean, you can't just point to a country and say,

hey, that's ours now.

Oh, no,

I mean, I mean, some countries do that, but not America.

And. Oh, really?

Has she met American?

Okay, enough. Will you guys please stop making the noises?

Noises? Who's making noises? I'm sorry.

I don't hear a peep.

You're absolutely making noises, and it's distracting.

Can I at least get through my point without the noises?

Absolutely. Go ahead.

And I promise we won't say a word. Not a word.

Thank you.

All I'm saying is that Donald Trump

may want to just take someone else's land

through greed and aggression, but the rest of us don't.

We're America. This is not who we are.

Okay.

I think that guy just made a noise.

Sorry, Jackie. I'll ask our cameraman.

Darius. Also not interrupt.

I'm sorry. I ain't know. I was doing it.

Let us take a break to thank our corporate sponsors.

When we return, we'll talk to a woman

whose job was replaced by AI, not a computer.

The former NBA star Allen Iverson.

Oh, he must have needed some money. Oh.

Relationships are hard

and there are few moments

as highly charged as meeting the parents

can be just so nervous to be nervous.

They're going to love you.

I don't know, man.

I just really want to make a good impression.

You will. You're going to do great.

They're going to love you.

Just one thing. My dad's from the south.

The south? Yeah. So he's pretty old fashioned.

So just don't talk politics, okay?

No politics, no politics.

I can do that from dad. We're home.

Oh, hey,

there's my little girl,

and this must be the guy that we've heard so much about.

I of the drive wasn't too bad.

It was it. Y'all make great time going up here.

Y'all take 87, y'all take 87.

You know what?

Let's just, move on here.

Pressure in the check. Here I am. Good.

That's literally how you talk.

We have to break up now.

But what if I told you breaking up was my goal here?

Relationships are hard and men are cowards.

Sometimes you want to break up,

but it would be easier if she broke up with you.

I'll be teaching you

how to blow it

so bad your relationship explodes with Memphis

from my new book, 50 Ways to Get Your Lover to Leave You.

Because leaving your lover is hard since you love your lover.

So why not get your lover to leave?

You know when you want to sabotage your own relationship.

You want to capitalize on a highly charged moments

like meeting her parents.

What the hell is wrong with you two and spit on that thing?

But another highly charged moment is Valentine's Day.

Hey, if you didn't have to know, I did.

I just I saw it and I immediately thought of you.

100 tampons.

Now, a very charged moment is a family funeral.

If you want to end your relationship, try showing up.

Dressed as a member of The Lumineers.

I don't care when,

but if you're just starting

the date blowing, it can be as simple

as wearing something that makes you seem gross.

Should we do a bottle?

I'm gonna hit the restroom.

Ladies and gentlemen, Nelly Furtado. Now here's one.

The next time she comes to you for advice on a complex

emotional problem, respond

simply with an impression of the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter.

She is still my grandmother, but she doesn't ask me.

Hey, hey, hey,

Griffindor

And remember, these situations can always

be made worse with a hard pivot to a simple question.

Make great time coming up here. So did we.

Now, Ava Grace

Davis, would you be down to open up our relationship?

But what if, after all that she still hasn't bounced

after trying every method in the book? Yay!

Food's here. Dude, my foreskin is killing me.

I'm off.

And you still want to break up with her?

Because one time she gave you the economy only for not to

remember.

There's always the last minute Hail Mary

showing up on your wedding day with a botched chin implant.

Wow. I asked for the John Ham, and I got the Jay Leno brother.

My thanks to Geese

Mike Myers the whole staff,

all these amazing actors, the crowd, everybody. Thank you.

We love you. Good night.

Good night.