Original subtitles

And now a message from the president of the United States.

Like everyone,

I had a nice holiday and got what they wanted for Christmas.

I got what I wanted, my very own, someone else's

Nobel Prize,

which I cherish.

And in my stocking, I got Maduro, Nicolas Maduro.

We did a reverse Santa on him.

We came down the chimney with a bag and took him away.

Anyway, I'm here today to catch you

up on all the exciting things we've been doing

and I'll be joined by my cabinet,

my little cabinet of curiosities, my little freaks,

various monsters and nightmares from the twisted mind of gizmo.

Dump truck.

We've got little Marco and JD Vance.

Yeah, you'll be glad for them.

The nice way to do it. The door.

And I think Stephen Miller's in here somewhere, but,

he's on the ceiling.

Someone brought a Bible in here, and he just sort of scampered

right up the wall under the ceiling.

So maybe we'll get him down in a moment.

But these guys are great.

They're helping me do so many illegal things to

try to get people to stop talking about Epstein.

Oh, Marco's passing me a note here.

Don't read this out loud, but maybe don't talk about that.

Also, do you like me?

Circle yes or no?

Marco, I'm going to need a third option.

Marco's from Cuba, and Cuba is next.

So, Marco, while you're here,

could you say a few words to the people of Cuba?

Speaking Spanish

No no no no no no no no no, not in here, big guy.

No no no I didn't like that at all.

You're driving in the wrong direction, honey.

Now, let's get a few words from my vice president, J.D.

Vance. Look, it's J.D.

got a makeover. Look at that.

He's the new and improved J.D..

Look, he's

got the eye shadow looking very on fleek today, right?

We're doing things for 2016, remember 2016, anyway.

Go ahead, J.D., him.

Thank you, Mr.

President.

In America, here's my message to you.

You know, I came here to do two things.

Kick bubblegum and chew ass,

and I'm all out of bubble gum.

Well said.

Now, J.D.,

why don't you give us an update on trends in men's wear?

Whatever the hell your job is.

By the way,

while you're talking, I'm just gonna sort of walk around

in the background and, look out windows.

Thank you, Mr. President.

You know, actually, I'd like to spend some time

today, you know, talking about the new.

And for those people who oppose, you know,

our mission in Greenland. Hey, you know what?

I see a cardinal in a blue jay in the same dream.

Wow. You don't see that a lot.

Very interesting. Are you okay?

No. I'm not. I don't think so.

Thank you. J.D..

Next up, I'd like to bring in a member of my cabinet

who wears many hats in terms of responsibility and hat.

Secretary of Homeland security.

You know.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. President, for having me.

Before we start, I'd like to give a quick shout

out to my hair and makeup team who absolutely hate me.

Now, obviously, there's been clashes on both sides

in Minneapolis.

And have we been perfect? Yes.

And I know a lot of people looking at the situation

in Minnesota are wondering the same thing.

Can I join Ice? Well, let me ask you

this is your neck wider than your head?

Are you currently wearing a Punisher t shirt?

Have you ever punched a hole in the wall

because your son took a dance class?

If the answer is yes, then grab a gun,

any gun and saddle up, Big Boy.

And just know you can always count on me.

Because my last name is Noam. As in.

Do I have the situation under control?

No, I don't.

Great job.

Grizzly.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Why isn't she here?

Well, now that we've heard from my secretary of War on America,

let's go ahead and bring out our Secretary of War with world.

Give it up for Pete Hegseth.

Everybody.

Yeah.

Cut it

I say cut.

First pow pow.

Now listen up.

Your ears are too fat to hear the news.

We went into Venezuela, and Como say,

do you say we teabag their country?

You're looking at manscaped.

We went in straight up.

Stole their president. Yoink!

We only have to send in a couple of helicopters.

All of them blaring. Welcome to the jungle.

And the Maduro regime was brought down to its shell.

No no no no no no no. Please.

In fact, we've been

rocking out with our seas out all over the world.

We don't.

Venezuela.

Next we're going to smack tap Iran.

Put the ayatollah in the chair.

I'm going to kill him.

If I told you once.

I had told you a thousand times.

You don't dare kill your protesters.

That's our thing.

So just remember, you f with America.

We're going to f you right back.

Just like it looks like I'm having this kettlebell.

You might have seen it in a video.

Got passed around online in a positive way.

Yeah, I'm an f u.

Like, I've never done it before.

And I'm going to finish way too fast.

Thanks, Seth.

That was great, buddy.

Even I know you're doing that wrong.

Also, midterms are canceled,

and live from New York, it|s Saturday Night!

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST A$AP ROCKY!

AND YOUR HOST, FINN WOLFHARD!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- FINN

WOLFHARD!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks. Thank you very much.

I'm so excited to be here.

This past year was very bittersweet for me.

My show Stranger Things ended,

and it started. Yet.

It started when I was 12.

And I got to tell you,

it feels so amazing that 400 million people

got to watch me go through puberty.

What a dream.

Somebody on Reddit actually figured out

the exact moment it happened.

And I think we have a clip.

Are you feeling any better?

Don't worry.

When all this is over, you won't have to keep

eating junk food and leftovers like a dog anymore.

My mom, she's a pretty awesome cook

Yeah, my voice changed on camera.

My first kiss was on camera and can actually believe

that I'm admitting this, but the first time I learned

what a woman looks like down there was on camera as well.

So we have another clip. I think.

Yeah.

And watch what's going on.

I know a lot of people still see me as the kid

from Stranger Things, right from 23 now, and I'm proud

to officially announce that I am a man.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

Things are different now.

Like, for example, I have facial hair.

Can we zoom in on it?

Oh, yeah.

There is. Hey.

Might only be one hair,

but party starts from the first guest.

Arrives.

And what's a party without some alcohol?

Now that I'm a man, I'd like to try it now, please.

Can I get some alcohol in a cup?

Oh, yeah, I got you. Oh, yeah.

Cause I love your stand up special, by the way.

Oh, wow.

Me too.

Cheers.

Cheers to you.

Too spicy.

I like that you did that to me.

Just like that in front of all these people.

I appreciate that.

Thank you. Man.

Yeah.

Meet the new me.

The man me.

Stranger things is over.

And I'm not a kid anymore.

And neither are we.

We're not child stars.

We're former child star.

Any time you read former child

star in a headline, that can only mean good things.

Really?

So, thanks to everyone who watched us

grow up on the show

and then went online and commented

about our changing faces and bodies.

Yeah.

I just just wanted to say, even though we are

now men, you'll always be my boys.

Okay, so let's toast.

Yes. Okay.

To you hosting SNL? Yes.

And to us child stars who are now ready to do adult films.

Hey, we got a great show for you tonight

A$AP Rocky is here. Stick around we|ll be right back

what's good welcome to

Snack Home is the podcast about snacks with your homies.

Umbrella. Here is Kyla and Jason.

You're so and, fresh for being grounded for spent

and too many Fortnite books in a week.

Welcome back to you soon.

What's good?

And, we're low kids.

We're low key. 12 years old.

Except Kyler is 13.

He's young.

Bro. Chill.

And, we got a guest homie joining us this week.

My six year old cousin who is lowkey famous on Twitch.

Micah, it's an honor.

Nah. Chill. Yeah.

No, Honor's all mine, fellas.

Big fan of the pod.

So, Micah, you're obviously, like, cool as hell.

Tell us about your stream, bro.

Like, you talk about facial structure.

Yeah.

So I'm like, I'm a looks maxin gigachad,

basically, I just got a small

mandibular growth, achieving sigma status by, breaking my,

my jaw bone and pulling high level talent.

So sick.

Bro. Get sick. Yeah.

All right, so it's New Year's, fellas.

Let's talk, our early picks for go to snacks of 2026.

Jason, take it away.

Okay. Yeah.

So I'm a big PB and J guy, and this year

I'm seeing really big things for Uncrustables.

Some,

Yo, you like, you ever put one in the toaster oven?

So fire. Yeah.

Yo, yo, yo.

Not going to hold you.

I'm lowkey gunning for a crusty, uncomfortable

like ourselves.

Maybe if you're car maxing.

I'm not trying to walk around all six carrying the hose,

you know?

Yeah. Be crazy. Yeah.

I feel like we lowkey put too much focus on.

Looks like as a society,

I'm just mad because he's

like the mom from Incredibles.

Not. I'm not gonna lie, he lowkey thicc.

From the back, though.

Like, hear me out.

No, daddy.

No daddy. Nudity. Dog.

Yes. I might go without you.

Oh, so I'm gonna go for, like, a dark horse pic.

Great for mandibular symmetry and Max mocking.

This year, I'm really looking forward

to messing with some celery.

Ooh, celery.

Yo, the crunch though, right?

Yeah, yeah, I

use celery after soccer practice

goes crazy.

Okay.

Kid of takes all around. Sheesh.

Jason, what you got?

I'm off to go ahead and say double

eggs.

Yeah, bro.

Deviled eggs are fire. Yeah, they're so raw.

Where I thought

I thought they were cooked.

Not brother raw like they're gas, bro.

Yeah, but they are cooked though, right?

They're not chopped, right.

But they're chopped like once. Like like in half. No,

I think it means like they're fire.

Like they're valid as hell. Yeah.

But also

you got, you got that.

So, y'all already know I'm a Cheeto fiend.

Low key.

But, lately I've been really getting into Pirate's Booty.

Yo, I'm not eating the booty.

Yeah. Oh,

it's a white cheddar snack, bro.

It's not like that.

I'll keep stumbling.

Zesting is on some poopsie. Is.

That's crazy.

Donkeys never beating the allegations.

All right, so

we got, special guest this episode.

No guest.

Thank you. Man, I can't believe it.

I'm up here with the snack homies.

You feel me?

Jason chasing Bradley?

Yo, you gotta chill. Just.

That's the,

you know, got crazy.

Oh, man, I've been watching the power for a minute.

Well, I just got body by ASAP Rocky.

That's so tough.

Nice to meet you as well, Mike.

Pleasure's all mine.

I just wanted to say that we are looking at unprecedented

levels of Chad.

Damn right here, fellas. Check the profile.

Bro. Doesn't even have time. You

you know you way, bro.

We appreciate it.

I actually had a question, Mr.

ASAP, sir. What's the test?

So, what is your go to snack of 2026? Mr..

Pretty good sir.

Actually, I bought on Whitney rat snacks.

You did?

Oh. Oh, hey, look here

you go.

These are fired. Whoa, wait.

You got your own flavor. Now is up.

I should do a set fashion.

Kill a of pickle.

Damn. Yeah.

That's tough. That's tough as hell.

Got to say nothing better than a big ol pickles.

There ain't no.

Nah. Yo, chill.

That was crazy. That might be the pause.

That is, since you go.

Yo, that is.

I cool, that's it.

Fire episode everybody yo yo me on Fortnite yet?

Dueces

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> COMING SOON TO HBO, THE

BELOVED WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY

POTTER MAKES ITS TELEVISION

DEBUT.

>> SORRY.

>> NO.

I AM.

>> I'M HARRY.

>> RON.

>> WITH AN ALL-NEW STORY, AFTER

THE SUCCESS OF A CERTAIN OTHER

HBO SHOW.

>> I'D LOVE TO SEE YOURS

SOMETIME.

>> I BET YOU WOULD.

>> CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, WEASLEY.

>> TWO POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

>> BUT 100 POINTS FOR MY SPANK

BANK!

>> SORRY, THE MINISTER OF MAGIC

IS A DEATH EATER!

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THAT

INVISIBILITY CLOAK?

>> FETCHING.

HERMIONE, WHAT'S THE SPELL TO

MAKE SOMETHING BIGGER?

>> THEY'RE ALL 18 PLUS IN THIS.

HOGWARTS IS LIKE COLLEGE NOW.

>> GREAT MATCH OUT THERE.

>> I WAS HORRIBLE.

COULDN'T CATCH THE SNITCH.

>> YOU CAUGHT SOMETHING MORE

IMPORTANT, MY ATTENTION.

>> OH!

I'M SORRY.

I WON'T LOOK.

OH, MY.

>> I'M WATCHING YOU, WEASLEY.

I THINK YOU'RE BRILLIANT WHEN

YOU LEVITATE AMONGST OTHER

BROOMS.

>> IT'S AN OWL.

>> SEE ABOUT THE MAGIC IN

SLYTHERIN.

THEN YOU CAN SLITHER IN.

>> THERE'S SOMETHING WE WANT TO

TELL YOU.

>> YOU'RE A HOMO, HARRY.

>> HOW DID YOU KNOW?

>> OH, HONEY, PLEASE.

I SHOULD CALL YOU NEVILLE

BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE LONG BOTTOM.

>> HAGRID, YOU OLD QUEEN.

>> AN INSPIRATIONAL TALE OF

SHOWING THE WORLD WHO YOU TRULY

ARE.

>> I'M DONE HIDING, RON.

>> BUT HARRY, THE MATCH.

WE'RE PLAYING SLYTHERIN.

>> LET'S WIN OUR WAY.

♪♪

♪♪

>> WELL, I THINK I'VE SEEN

ENOUGH.

10 POINTS!

FOR EQUALITY.

>> COMING SOON.

Hunter.

Come down.

Your father will be home from work any minute.

Mom, there's.

There's something I need to tell you.

You know that money you and dad set aside for my college?

I want to use it now.

So my bank can go on tour.

Oh, playing with your little indie band.

That's not a future mom.

I know, I know, it's not what you and dad wanted for me,

but I do.

I came to support me.

Of course I support you.

But your father won't take it well.

He's always hoped you'd follow in his footsteps.

I don't want his life.

Oh, God. He's home.

It's okay. I'll tell him everything.

Just please have my back.

Oh! Oof!

I just had a beast of a day in the studio.

We were pitchy.

Corey was a mess. Wait.

What's this?

Now, Robert, I know how you feel about Hunter's indie band.

It's okay. Mom.

I got this dad.

My band set up some bar gigs up the coast, and,

I want to go with them out on tour.

Indie band.

No no no no no no no.

You're not going to be in some indie band.

Dad, I quiet.

This is ridiculous.

You're going to be a pop star like your old man.

End of discussion.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Now go upstairs and change.

You look ridiculous, dad.

But nothing.

You're going to be a pop star.

You're going to chart like I charted.

I don't want chart, dad.

Oh, okay.

You don't know what you're saying, son.

When we cracked the Billboard Hot 100 with a heart shaped

roller coaster.

It was the greatest moment of my life.

Who cares? Dad?

Billboard sucks.

Oh, my.

Okay, okay.

Well, I guess today's the day I hit my son.

Okay.

Not like you, dad.

Oh, I want to make art.

Oh. Oh, okay.

So I don't make art.

Is that so?

Well, then what the hell do you call this?

Could you get my heart going, for example?

And to tell I love to dance in rooms.

Pack your things.

Pack your things.

I want you out of this house, Mr. Robert.

No, this is my fault, okay?

I'm the one who introduced him to the Pixies.

Mom? Mom, it's not the Pixies.

It's just pixies.

You see what you're doing?

You see what you're doing, Hunter?

You're tearing this family apart. Whatever, man.

I don't need you. My band is my family.

Okay?

Those freaks aren't family. Okay?

Now, true to you.

That was a family.

Get in here, fellas.

You is in the house.

Bang bang, boom! And so on. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well.

This is a family, okay?

I'm talking about k dog.

The tall one,

Curtis 5000.

The one from the future. Future

and cyber. Yeah.

I'm the one who's 15 years older than everybody else.

And can shoot.

You look amazing.

Thank you. Cyber.

Okay, dad,

I just want something more fulfilling out of my life.

What could be more fulfilling than selling out

arenas for the year and a half preceding nine, 11?

And if I may.

Kim, you look beautiful tonight.

Thank you.

I just want something different.

I want my music.

Listen to his son, Robert and Kim.

Girl,

it is just out of control tonight.

For real?

Thank you.

So what do you say, dad?

I don't know, I.

I can't claim to understand it, but

you have my blessing.

Hey, hot.

You ready? Fans all packed, man.

And Kim, as always. Wow.

Thank you.

Paloma.

I'll be right there, guys.

But first

I got to do something.

What is it, son?

Sing with my favorite person.

Love is a heart shaped roller coaster.

It's called bang bang, bang.

And tune to this whole.

After five incredible seasons, Stranger Things said goodbye.

And then we'll miss our Hawkins heroes.

Netflix knows that all good things must come to an end.

But then we saw how many people watched it

and we were like, oh, never mind.

So Stranger Things is back with sequels, prequels

and spinoffs, starting with a new series

starring the internet's favorite hometown hero, Steve,

as he takes a new teaching job in inner city Los Angeles.

It's stranger.

Good morning.

My name is Mr. Harrington.

Rich, you ain't going to last one day at this school.

You think I don't know what it's like to be a teenager?

I was 17 for ten years.

Wonder what happens to big sister Nancy.

Watch her journalism

career take off as she investigates

some of the biggest crimes of the 1990s

and the Wheeler Report.

You're looking at live footage of O.J.

Simpson's white Bronco being driven by his friend

Al Cowlings, who we're told is on the phone with LAPD now.

This is a sin.

O.J. is in the car.

Listen, he just wants to go home.

Can you take his juice?

I might have gone back

to the white girl with the orange juice.

Jumped out of the Bronco.

Plus, wonder what happens to Mike

when he leaves Hawkins behind

to chase his dreams of becoming a writer?

Find out in Michael Patrick King's Mickey Mann.

Just like that, I was in a new upside down New York.

And it doesn't take a hive mind to realize

after you've dated an 11, even tens for short.

Then you guys, you made it.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Let's cut to the chase.

How are your sex lives?

Well, as you know,

I recently dated that we are nerdy girl

who helps to save the world and never talk to her again.

And ever since

my series of bad dates has been a never ending story.

I'm a disaster.

Well, Max and I start off hot and heavy, right?

But then couple of years,

she just lies there like she's back in the coma.

Oh, it's bad.

Might be your nose.

What?

Do you have powers?

Oh, no.

No, no, this is from cocaine.

Oh, here. Right.

And before you get all mad and go.

How come Will isn't in that?

It's because his coming out scene is still going with him.

Guys.

I'm gay.

I mean, the courage to tell you the truth.

And the truth is, I am gay,

Z, and all of your faces.

And you should know that I like D

and D Dungeons and Dragons just like you guys.

Everyone is getting our show.

We're even retelling the entire original series

from an insignificant character's P.O.V.

in the side series.

Stranger things.

Oops. Oh. Mike's dad. Go watch TV.

I'm consistent with our obligations of the alien three.

Ted, have you seen the kids?

They've been gone for four days. Nope.

At first, I.

I like reading, and.

Hey, remember that mysterious ninth episode

the internet was convinced existed?

It didn't, but it does now.

And we got almost all the main kids back.

You want to tell me why the hell we're in Iceland?

Mike, everything we thought happened

is an illusion that was planted by Vecna.

He's still out there. It's impossible.

Seriously, Mike,

give me one good reason why we should believe you.

You are the reason

I'm on 11.

Hello.

Stranger things on Netflix.

This is our Star Wars.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A$AP

ROCKY!

♪♪

♪♪

♪ SOMETIMES

I FORGET WHAT LOVE IS

TRUST ME LOVE ME

TAKE ME RIGHT BACK ♪

♪ SOMETIMES

I FORGET WHAT LOVE IS

TRUST ME LOVE ME

TAKE ME RIGHT BACK ♪

♪ I WANNA FALL IN LOVE

DON'T WANT NO BROKEN HEART

DON'T WANT TO GROW APART

TAKE ME BACK ♪

♪ I WANNA FALL IN LOVE

DON'T WANT NO BROKEN HEART

DON'T WANT TO GROW APART

TAKE ME BACK ♪

♪ I THOUGHT I FELL IN LOVE

I THOUGHT SHE FELT IT TOO

I THOUGHT WE WAS IN LOVE

SHE JUST ANOTHER FLUKE ♪

♪ I THOUGHT YOU WAS THE ONE

I GUESS YOU JUST THE TWO

YOU WANT THE LAST LAUGH

LOOK NOW JOKE'S ON YOU ♪

♪ YOU THOUGHT

YOU FELL IN LOVE

YOU THOUGHT HE FELT IT TOO ♪

♪ I TOLD HER DON'T BE DUMB

YOU JUST ANOTHER FOOL ♪

♪ YOU THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE

I GUESS HE JUST THE TWO

YOU WANT THE LAST LAUGH

LOOK NOW JOKE'S ON YOU ♪

♪ I CRIED ALONE IN MY TRUCK

I FELT ALONE IN THE FRONT

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW

WHO TO TRUST ♪

♪ AND I BEEN

GOING THRU SOME STUFF

DON'T TRUST THE ONES

YOU LOVE ♪

♪ YOUR EGO'S

ONE HELL OF A DRUG ♪

♪ GROUP ECONOMICS

'CAUSE NOTHING'S PROMISED ♪

♪ YOU HOLD A GRUDGE

AND YOU TREAT ME

LIKE I'M SCUM ♪

♪ GOTTA TRUST YOUR GUT

GOTTA TRUST YOUR GUT ♪

♪ GOD'S THE ONLY ONE

TO JUDGE

NOW I'M CONFIDING

IN MY CUP YEAH ♪

♪ NOW I SEE IT

I WANNA FALL IN LOVE ♪

♪ DON'T WANT NO BROKEN HEART

DON'T WANT TO GROW APART

TAKE ME BACK ♪

♪ I WANNA FALL IN LOVE

DON'T WANT NO BROKEN HEART

DON'T WANT TO GROW APART

TAKE ME BACK ♪

♪ I THOUGHT I FELL IN LOVE

I THOUGHT SHE FELT IT TOO

I THOUGHT WE WAS IN LOVE

SHE JUST ANOTHER FLUKE ♪

♪ I THOUGHT YOU WAS THE ONE

I GUESS YOU JUST THE TWO

YOU WANT THE LAST LAUGH

LOOK NOW JOKE'S ON YOU ♪

♪ YOU THOUGHT

YOU FELL IN LOVE

YOU THOUGHT HE FELT IT TOO ♪

♪ I TOLD HER DON'T BE DUMB

YOU JUST ANOTHER FOOL ♪

♪ YOU THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE

I GUESS HE'S JUST THE TWO

YOU WANT THE LAST LAUGH

LOOK NOW JOKE'S ON YOU ♪

♪ SOMETIMES

I FORGET WHAT LOVE IS

TRUST ME LOVE ME

TAKE ME RIGHT BACK ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ SHE DON'T EVEN

WANNA BE MY WIFE NO MORE

IT MAN LIFE GOES ON ♪

♪ HOW AM I SUPPOSED

TO RIGHT MY WRONGS

HOW MANY TIMES

DID RIGHT GO WRONG ♪

♪ TELL ME HOW I'M SUPPOSED

TO WRITE LOVE SONGS

I DON'T EVEN LIKE

THEM SONGS ♪

♪ SHE AIN'T GOING

TO BE IN MY LIFE NO MORE ♪

♪ GOT ME CRYING

IN THE MICROPHONE

MAKE ME SHOUT

IN THE MEGAPHONE ♪

♪ THAT GIRL AIN'T MY TYPE

NO MORE

SHE AIN'T IN MY LIFE

NO MORE ♪

♪ I CONFIDE IN

THE STYROFOAM CUP

AHH AH-AH-AH-AH

AH-AH-AH-AH ♪

♪ I CONFIDE

IN THE STYROFOAM CUP ♪

♪ YA PUNCH DRUNK'IN LOVE

LEFT ME WITH A BLACKENED EYE

SHE DON'T LIKE US RAPPER GUYS

TAKE ME BACK ♪

♪ YA PUNCH DRUNK'IN LOVE

LEFT ME WITH A BLACKENED EYE

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

TAKE ME BACK ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost

and Michael Che.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well guys, it's been one year

since we got back together with Trump after taking a break.

And there are signs

that there still may be problems with the relationship.

I don't know if you remember,

but Trump promised us America first.

Yet it's only our one year anniversary, and he's already

opening our relationship up to other countries.

This week, Trump declared himself

the acting president of Venezuela.

By next week, he will be the interim Ayatollah of Iran

and then on to his ultimate goal head reindeer of Greenland.

In fact, the congressman has introduced

a bill to make Greenland the 51st state.

Meanwhile, Puerto Rico is like, wow, okay.

Officials in Minnesota have sued the Trump administration,

claiming that the Large-Scale Ice

actions are an unconstitutional federal invasion.

While the Trump administration claims that, yep.

President Trump defended

the actions of Ice agents in Minneapolis,

adding that the day of reckoning and retribution is coming,

which is a phrase he stole from that guy who's always pointing

at him.

A federal judge on Friday ordered Ice agents in Minnesota

not to retaliate against peaceful protesters.

But if Ice agents listen to judges, then their ex-wives

would be getting those checks for child support.

During a visit to the white House.

Venezuelan opposition leader Maria Karina machado

presented Trump with her Nobel Peace Prize.

What kind of psycho would actually accept

someone else's Nobel Peace Prize?

She just won it.

It's like if someone says, help yourself

to anything in the kitchen and you bang his wife.

Political experts say that Machado gave Trump her

Nobel Peace Prize

in the hopes of getting his help

to become the next leader of Venezuela.

And if that bribe actually works,

I bet Trump's about to get a whole bunch of Grammys.

Oh. After the CEO of ExxonMobil told President Trump

that Venezuela was UN investable,

Trump criticized him, saying that

the company was playing too cute.

Then the Exxon CEO said, oh, you think I'm cute?

And Trump said, I do.

And the Exxon guy said, well, is this cute?

And he put his hand on his thigh.

And Trump said, I'm not as cute as this and kissed him all on.

Season two of Heated Rivalry.

What is your algorithm?

And in the interview, President Trump said that he believed

that the civil rights era led to white people being, quote,

very badly treated.

Yeah, especially in basketball.

The white House tweeted a graphic of Health

and Human Services Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr

that said, quote, we are ending the war on protein.

Good, because I know a couple fellas

who are extremely protein.

Oh. During

a recent podcast in Paris, Robert F Kennedy Jr criticized

President Trump's diet, saying, I don't know how he is alive.

Well, I do a slight breeze.

Zoe Saldana, who stars in the new avatar

movie, has surpassed Scarlett Johansson to become the highest

grossing actress of all time.

Okay, well, let's see what happens

if you include the box office from Scarlett's Husbands movies.

He went down.

The college football national championship game

kicks off this Monday with Indiana taking on Miami.

Here to talk about it is football

legend and Miami's most enthusiastic fan, Michael Irvin.

That's what it's all about.

Hey. What's up?

Wait a minute.

Your name? Michael.

My name? Michael.

You know what that means.

That we have the same name.

Not just the same name.

We have the same father.

Split in two.

Michael. Yeah.

Michael. Yeah.

Della andretti.

Oh, okay.

So you already own ten, That's just me, Michael.

My resting heart rate is a perfect score.

16,000.

My mom was a hummingbird, and my daddy was a bricklayer.

Okay.

I can tell.

So you've been on the Miami

sidelines all playoffs despite graduating 40 years ago?

Yep. Here's me catching at the game on all fours.

Here's me screaming and here's me whistling.

You're in great shape for a 60 year old man.

I mean, what's your secret? It's simple. Michael.

I cut out all the bad stuff that sleep. That

sleep.

You don't sleep? No.

I've been awake so long.

Got to say, if I fall asleep in a bee for 1000 years.

That doesn't sound healthy, Michael.

I am healthy at the top of every day.

I swallowed 14 raw eggs and threw it.

Then I have a whole horse level horse included.

Now is a good gun. A lot more gas.

I'm worried, Michael,

if I break my heart to heart, the glass is going to fly away.

So the game is in Miami.

Do you think Indiana's going to come in your house and win?

Oh, please, Michael.

Oh, and in other words, can't win

a game is what you want to be.

We got all the women in Miami.

Well, I had them all back in my day, Michael. Okay.

Asian. Blazin. Caucasian.

California raisin.

That's an old tanned of San Diego.

What do we call them down there?

Serving food.

I gotta get out. I gotta get to Miami.

The game isn't until Monday.

Yeah, but I'm running now.

I figured if I leave now, hop on 9 to 5,

depending on where the traffic is.

It take me about 6.5 hours.

You're running to Miami?

That's right. Michael.

So this six and six year old man on the highway, 95,

well over the speed limit with bugs all over his face.

And I ask for police tranquilizer darts.

You better get out the way by four.

And everybody to ask.

Don't go.

Harry Styles.

Harry Styles has announced

that his new album will be called

Kiss All the Time Disco occasionally,

which was also the original slogan for Molly.

Skims has

partnered with Nike to release their first ever shoes.

The skin shoes have a reinforced arch, cushioned

heel and a camel toe.

I worked really hard on that one.

New study finds that many primate species,

including chimpanzees, take part in homosexual activity.

The study was conducted when one chimps

wife hired a private investigator.

A video has gone viral of a spooked carriage

horse in New York

City, running directly down Sixth Avenue into traffic.

What spooked the horse?

Socialism.

Boom.

New York City Mayor Zoran Mamdani unveiled a plan

to make New York the first city in the country

to provide free childcare for all two year olds.

The way mom Dani's plan works is it's just one of his free

busses.

A large nurses strike in New York City

began this week,

and there's no cause I support more than large nurses.

Mattel is launching its

first ever Barbie with autism spectrum disorder.

But keep in mind, the Barbie was diagnosed

with autism by RF Ken Junior.

Researchers are saying that there is a possibility

that people who frequently pick

their nose are more likely to develop Alzheimer's.

Damn.

How deep are y'all digging?

The American Institute of Architects has given

an outstanding architectural design

award to a public bathroom in Staten Island.

But like, I keep telling everyone, it's

not a public bathroom.

A woman went viral on TikTok recently

for her confusing New Year's resolution involving buttons.

Here to comment is that woman, Tamara?

What?

Are you doing tomorrow?

Hi. It's actually pronounced Tamara.

That's exactly how I pronounced it.

All right, well, anyway,

tell us about this New Year's resolution. Yeah.

So this year, I'm getting 365 buttons, one for each day,

because I want to do more fun stuff.

And I'm getting scared of time passing.

And so I want to be more conscious of it.

Oh, that's a nice idea.

So what's your plan for the buttons?

My plan is one button each day.

Right.

I get that, but what do you plan to do with them?

I'm sorry, I don't understand the question.

Like, are you planning to wear the buttons?

It's just one button every day.

It's just 365 buttons, right?

I guess I was just confused about

if you're going to put them in a jar or.

Hey, so I actually only has to

make sense to me for me to do it.

And I don't feel like explaining it to anyone else.

Okay, that is why you're here.

But I don't have to tell you what I'm going to do

with the buttons or where I'm going to put them.

All I know is I want to

have one button every day so I can think about time more.

I think people are just sort

of curious because you brought this idea of,

well,

all the people can just leave me alone and let me do this.

I'm sorry. Tamara.

It's actually pronounced Tamara, as in.

I'll tell you about the buttons tomorrow.

You know what?

It doesn't matter.

Do you have any other resolutions? Yes.

I want to write a book about a man who has a secret.

That sounds interesting. What's the secret?

I don't know.

The man has a secret.

Not me.

It's the secret that he has buttons.

Don't be playful.

I don't have to know about the answers to secrets.

I was just saying I had an idea.

You don't know anything about me.

You don't have to know. I kind of pushed the buttons.

It's just one button.

365 every day.

One button each. Every day.

Are you running out of batteries?

That's very funny.

I can see why

they made you the anchor.

Before I go.

I do have a solution to the crisis in Venezuela.

All right. Fine. What is it?

I don't know.

I just have to go there and understand how to want to know.

Tamara, everybody.

I use the buttons, okay?

For Weekend Update I|m Michael Che I|m Colin Jost

Goodnight!

You're watching HBO,

Hulu with your Paramount Plus pass on Amazon Prime.

What?

Now back to the gritty space epic dark

Orbit.

And breezy Chancellor

Snooks from cram nine requests an audience with his grace.

Chancellor, have you come to grovel at your emperors feet?

You are no emperor

yet here I sit atop a throne, surrounded by servants,

a life woman to kneel at my side.

I am blessed to be your floor girl, my lord.

A muscled fool to sound my brow.

I would fan you even in death. Emperor.

And a snack. Then she can.

Whose only job is to feed me delicious delights.

Yes, an endless array of galactic

goodies to swell your belly in dome, sire,

in these jelly moon balls from food.

Yeah.

Delicious, delicious.

Indeed.

Cover cancer.

Huey. Huey

does it pain you?

Does it?

Can you tell me I'm not the one I. Yes.

I love to watch you chew or not.

I think I'm good on those.

Are you sure? I think I'm no good.

I need to get back to.

Yes, I think so.

Business Chancellor, I have come to persuade you

to lift your blockade on my planet's trade routes.

Without solar sea, the soil starve.

And soon so will my people.

Ironic, isn't it?

Your people waste away.

Well, my goal, it is stuffed with chickens.

Delights? Yes.

Indulge my fish on this split jelly sphere from Dong Bee.

Bite my knees. Yes.

There's more.

My need.

Speak by us with this skin, my liege.

Yes, yes.

Are you

sure you don't want to launch?

That's very heavy.

Yes. They double.

Okay. Yes.

Let's put a pin in those. Yes.

Thank.

My terms?

Simple.

I will end the blockade.

If your planet becomes a colony of my empire,

my planet will never colonize him.

We are a free people.

Not for long.

Starve native self.

Yes, big citizen.

Taste that honey nap in the middle. Oh!

No, I don't love that chicken.

My apologies sir, I will kill myself.

No, no, don't do that.

I love the lights, I love them, just not that delight.

Yes, sire.

He hates that delight.

Take that delight out of the rotation.

I have authority from the Senate to negotiate.

We offer a quarter share for our exports.

You all hear that?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, no! She did. She.

What is that?

This is the hind leg of a crag.

Snout a side.

She can look at how big that thing is.

I can't eat this all now.

Understood, sire.

For her share.

That is all we are willing to see.

I do not barter.

Agree to my terms.

Will I declare you an enemy of the Empire

and begin sulfur strikes at once?

You wouldn't dare.

I would, and I will.

A toxic rain will fall over time to for some bamboo fruit.

Shall. Yeah.

Stick your tongue out, sir.

Your Mr..

I mean, not his name.

Oh, I love feeding you some. Okay.

Oh come on. Stop, please.

What the good pups in the middle.

I'm, Too much.

Too much.

What is that?

It's melted Boo-Boo fruit.

Too much? Nothing. Boo-Boo fruit.

But 49 more flavors awaits.

Absolutely not.

We're suspending to the lights.

Okay, I know, I think stand.

I love my delights.

You know I love them.

I'm very pro delight.

We're we're pushing pause.

Of course, Your Excellency, that the lights are paused.

We are holding the delight.

I asked you one last time, Chancellor.

Will you colonize?

I'd rather eat that disgusting beast.

Yeah.

Indulge in these mating nooks and crannies.

Dude, get that out of my face. Oh!

Oh, eat it!

Dude, I love boys Day, you know what I mean?

Just kick back, watch the game, talk about boy stuff.

Yeah.

So, what's new in 2026, fellas?

Well, I bought some sweatpants that you can wear to weddings.

Oh, I see, so you can be cozy and respectful.

I like that, yes.

Good shot. I guess. All right. So.

All right, guys, I know this isn't

the usual vibe, but I invited my girlfriend.

I hope that's cool.

What? No, that's not cool.

It's boys that.

No, no, no.

Trust me, dude, she she gets it.

She's a total guy's girl.

Oh, must be her now.

Hey, guys.

Guess what?

Boobs are here.

Hey, guys! Go away!

Put your junk away.

I want to see that. Oh,

and now you imagine.

Okay.

What's up?

I'm Michelle. Hey, sweetheart.

I told you guys, you know.

All right.

Gotcha.

Yes. Well, welcome to Boys Day.

Help yourself to some snacks if you want.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what do we got here?

Pizza wings.

IPAs.

Or, as I like to call it, the three food groups.

Sure do

let me know. Hey,

she's so twisted.

Yeah, and nice to meet you, Michelle.

I'm Santee.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, I've heard about you.

Certified loverboy.

Certified pedophile. What?

Oh, hey.

Sorry. Did you hear that?

I'm a pedophile.

Yeah.

That's cute.

Dude,

she's Jake, your chain.

I'm telling you, she's like one of the guys.

Oh. Okay. Yeah, whatever.

Let's just watch football.

I hope the Texans win

because I got a lot of money on this game.

Oh, wow.

Your girl is letting you bet again.

I thought she shut that down. Dude.

Actually,

I've been meaning to tell you guys.

Sarah and I recently called off our engagement.

Oh. No. Dude.

What happened?

I don't know,

I guess we just realized we want two different things and.

Sounds like a bitch.

Oh, dear.

Oh, are.

Maybe I don't spill it on my floor.

Oh, yes. Oh, your precious floor.

Of course, Your Majesty. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

This guy's obsessed with this floor.

He marries it.

He wants to have it.

Sex with the.

What are you talking about?

It's supposed to be a normal

boy's day where normal things happen.

Guys, what's the.

Oh! Oh, sexy. God.

Oh, wow. Baby. Want milky?

Oh, yes. Tiny.

Just say you want Jack or Cody.

The who?

It really is the sweet life. Oh,

it's just me here.

I'm going to throw up.

Okay, well, boys, I'm feeling some thunder down under.

And I'm going to go drop a snake in the tank.

Okay, I'll be right

it up in there.

Imagine she falls in

and it's like toilet land becomes like, for instance,

a toilet paper like that even because you imagine.

Chris,

we've never seen you act this way in your life, man,

I know, right?

This makes me so happy.

Where did you guys even meet that really funny story? She.

She passed me in a Starbucks.

I guess she likes what she saw.

And, Yeah, I think she's the one.

Really?

Because, like, man, she's a lot, a lot, dude, she's disgusting.

Disgusting. Oh.

Yeah.

I'm sorry for being a lot.

You know, it's hard being a woman in a room full of men

and, you know, you're being judged

for everything you do and everything you say.

But the truth is, is that I really like Chris,

and I just wanted you guys to feel like me, too.

But I guess, you know,

it's, that Angela,

And this is the best way to said that.

Do that.

And if you're not sure, singing it's good.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, A$AP ROCKY!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I CAN SEE THE SKY CRYING

WHEN YOUR RAIN FALL TEARS

GOTTA CLOSE THE WINDOWS

WHEN THE WIND BLOWS THERE ♪

♪ I CAN HEAR THE HURRICANES

WHEN THE END'S CLOSE NEAR

SHE CRY ME A RIVER

NOW IT'S ALL DOWNHILL ♪

♪ RIGHT ABOUT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING ♪

♪ JUST TO SEE

YOUR FACE EVERY DAY EVERY DAY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE RIGHT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING

TO STAY IN YOUR GRACES

LIKE ANYTHING EVERY DAY ♪

♪ LET ME KNOW WE AIN'T DIE

FEELIN' ALIVE

JUST LIKE MY VITAL SIGN ♪

♪ SHOW ME

ALL YOUR VITAL SIGNS NOW

LET ME KNOW LET ME KNOW ♪

♪ LET ME KNOW WE AIN'T DIE

PINCH ME

LET ME KNOW I'M ALIVE ♪

♪ I AIN'T NEVER BEEN

THIS HIGH BEFORE

HIGH OFF LIFE

AND NOTHING ELSE ♪

♪ RIGHT ABOUT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING ♪

♪ JUST TO SEE

YOUR FACE EVERY DAY EVERY DAY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE RIGHT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING

TO STAY IN YOUR GRACES

LIKE ANYTHING EVERY DAY ♪

♪ TRADE IN ALL MY CHAINS

ALL MY BRANDS AND NAMES

CHANGING ALL MY WAYS ♪

♪ CUT MY BRAIDS BABY

JUST TO HEAR YOU

JUST TO FEEL YOU ♪

♪ RIGHT ABOUT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING ♪

♪ JUST TO SEE

YOUR FACE EVERY DAY EVERY DAY ♪

♪ OHH OOH OOH

OOH OOH OHH OOH ♪

♪ I CAN SEE THE SKY CRYING

WHEN YOUR RAIN FALL TEARS

GOTTA CLOSE THE WINDOWS

WHEN THE WIND BLOWS THERE ♪

♪ I CAN HEAR THE HURRICANES

WHEN THE END'S CLOSE NEAR

SHE CRY ME A RIVER

NOW IT'S ALL DOWNHILL ♪

♪ RIGHT ABOUT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING ♪

♪ JUST TO SEE

YOUR FACE EVERYDAY

EVERYDAY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE RIGHT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING

TO STAY IN YOUR GRACES

LIKE ANYTHING EVERY DAY ♪

♪ D-D-DUMB-DUMB-DUMB

DUMB

TEMPORARILY UNABLE

OR UNWILLING TO SPEAK ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ FOUR FIVE HUNDRED

ON THE HUMMER NO GAS

EIGHTY-NINE

PRICE ON THE TICKET ♪

♪ EXERCISE

EAT ALL MY VEGETABLES

MESS UP SOME DECIMALS

HE 'BOUT HIS BUSINESS ♪

♪ STUNNER 'BOUT THE HUNDREDS

GOT 'EM COMIN' OUT FAST

SHAWTY GON' BAG IT LICK IT ♪

♪ GIFT-WRAP PACKAGE SHIP IT

WENT FROM RAGS TO RICHES ♪

♪ DUMB DUMB

ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW

WHO RUN RUN ♪

♪ ON THE FRONT PORCH

ON THE FUNCTION ♪

♪ I'M CHECKIN' MY SNEAKERS

NO CHECKS ON MY SNEAKERS

JUST PUMA GAP

AND YEAH THE GOODY GRIM ♪

♪ PULL UP TO THE CHURCH

IN MY HOODIE THEN

I'M 'BOUT TO GET UH

FOR SURELY THEN ♪

♪ I RIDE AROUND IN

THE ALL-PINK MERCEDES

AND ♪

♪ LIKE KILLA CAM

MY BRAIDS LOOKIN' LIKE

I COULD BE JIM ♪

♪ THEY LOOKIN' AROUND LIKE

THAT COULD BE THEM

LOT OF OPPS IS AROUND

AND YOU COULD BE THEM ♪

♪ IF WE TALKIN'

'BOUT POCKETS

YOU KNOW MINE FAT ♪

♪ IF WE TALKIN' YOUR CHANCES

THEY COULD BE THIN ♪

♪ I'M KNOCKIN' AT THE DOOR

LIKE LET ME IN

WHO GET MORE KITTY

THAN A WHAT ♪

♪ SPIDER-MAN

TAKE MY WHITE TEE OFF

SPIN IT LIKE A HELICOPTER ♪

♪ TAKE MY WHITE TEE OFF

SPIN IT LIKE A HELICOPTER

MESS WITH YOUNG PRETTY FLACKO

I'LL PETEY POP YOU ♪

♪ YEAH

MESSIN' WITH

THAT PRETTY FLACKO

MIGHT PETEY POP YOU GRIM ♪

♪ TAKE MY WHITE TEE OFF

SPIN IT LIKE A HELICOPTER

TAKE MY WHITE TEE OFF

SPIN IT LIKE A HELICOPTER ♪

♪ MESS WITH

YOUNG PRETTY FLACKO

I PETEY POP YOU ♪

♪ YEAH

MESSIN' WITH

THAT PRETTY FLACKO

MIGHT PETEY POP YOU GRIM ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Next Friday, January 23rd.

Prepare to witness a first of its kind of bet.

Alex Honnold of the Academy Award winning film Free Soul

will do the impossible.

It's been a lifelong dream of mine to climb a skyscraper,

so I'm going to be free soloing Taipei 101,

one of the tallest buildings in the entire world.

No ropes, no gear.

Just me and the building.

Yeah. I'm ready.

And, I'm gonna do it. Two.

101 stories, 1667ft.

No harness, no safety net.

My whole life has been leading me to this climb.

Yeah.

No, I never rock climb before, but thankfully,

a building ain't no rock.

I think I've gotten used

to fear over the years.

It's an ever present part of climbing.

Occasionally things just happen, though.

No matter how much you prepare.

That's what I'm saying. Why?

I never been inside a voiceover before.

La la la la la la.

And of course, it's an honor

to be doing this in the city of Taipei.

Yeah, I'm excited to, I've never been

with a Taiwanese woman.

I'm so proud of my husband for doing this.

A lot of people wouldn't because they want to be around

for their family.

But not him.

The emotion I have about this is Crowdedness.

I legit don't think Reggie cares if he lives or dies.

Honestly, he's been holding on for a thread now.

He's been holding on by a thread for a long time now.

When he found out Taco Bell was discontinuing the Baja

Blast Pi, he stood up and said, there it goes.

My last reason not to risk it all.

The next day you signed up to climb a building with no ropes.

Also, Reggie literally has narcolepsy.

But what did I win?

The stakes are life and death.

The biggest obstacle is probably going

to be the wind up at the higher levels.

I think the biggest obstacle for me is going to be this.

But I'm ready.

I've been scouting this building.

I've been working.

Training runs every day,

and I've got custom made climbing shoes.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna make something happen with these.

I've never met you, sir.

Of course, it is always scary.

But he's a professional.

He's prepared for this.

I can't stress how unprepared Reggie is.

I've seen this man take an Uber to the bus stop.

This man eats so much White Castle.

They have his picture on their website.

I'm a little nervous, Alex.

I know, but it's going to be fine.

If anything happens to me, I wan

If something happens to

me, please tell Sheila from Facebook dating.

I'm not going to make it to the Isle of God.

Fine. Yeah. Wait.

Who is she?

Do you have a wife?

It will be the biggest free solo climb ever.

And there's no telling what will happen.

I've got a pretty good sense of what's going to happen.

So tune in.

January 23rd.

Wait, did he start already?

Hey, hey.

Netflix

We saw your Hockey Porn and raised you a live death

♪♪

>>> MY THANKS TO A$AP ROCKY.

THIS HAS BEEN -- THIS HAS BEEN

ONE OF THE BEST WEEKS OF MY LIFE

AND ONE OF THE BEST CASTS EVER.

THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.

LOVE YOU ALL, THANK YOU!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪