All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S51E10.Finn.Wolfhard.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

And now a message from the
president of the United States.

Like everyone,

I had a nice holiday and got
what they wanted for Christmas.

I got what I wanted,
my very own, someone else's

Nobel Prize,

which I cherish.

And in my stocking,
I got Maduro, Nicolas Maduro.

We did a reverse Santa on him.

We came down the chimney
with a bag and took him away.

Anyway, I'm here today
to catch you

up on all the exciting things
we've been doing

and I'll be joined
by my cabinet,

my little cabinet of
curiosities, my little freaks,

various monsters and nightmares
from the twisted mind of gizmo.

Dump truck.

We've got little Marco
and JD Vance.

Yeah, you'll be glad for them.

The nice way to do it. The door.

And I think Stephen
Miller's in here somewhere, but,

he's on the ceiling.

Someone brought a Bible in here,
and he just sort of scampered

right up the wall
under the ceiling.

So maybe we'll get him down
in a moment.

But these guys are great.

They're helping me
do so many illegal things to

try to get people
to stop talking about Epstein.

Oh, Marco's
passing me a note here.

Don't read this out loud,
but maybe don't talk about that.

Also, do you like me?

Circle yes or no?

Marco, I'm
going to need a third option.

Marco's
from Cuba, and Cuba is next.

So, Marco, while you're here,

could you say a few words
to the people of Cuba?

Speaking Spanish

No no no no no no no no
no, not in here, big guy.

No no no I didn't like that
at all.

You're driving
in the wrong direction, honey.

Now, let's get a few words
from my vice president, J.D.

Vance. Look, it's J.D.

got a makeover. Look at that.

He's the new and improved J.D..

Look, he's

got the eye shadow looking
very on fleek today, right?

We're doing things for 2016,
remember 2016, anyway.

Go ahead, J.D., him.

Thank you, Mr.

President.

In America, here's
my message to you.

You know,
I came here to do two things.

Kick bubblegum and chew ass,

and I'm all out of bubble gum.

Well said.

Now, J.D.,

why don't you give us an update
on trends in men's wear?

Whatever the hell your job is.

By the way,

while you're talking, I'm
just gonna sort of walk around

in the background and,
look out windows.

Thank you, Mr. President.

You know, actually,
I'd like to spend some time

today,
you know, talking about the new.

And for those people who oppose,
you know,

our mission in Greenland. Hey,
you know what?

I see a cardinal in a blue jay
in the same dream.

Wow. You don't see that a lot.

Very interesting. Are you okay?

No. I'm not. I don't think so.

Thank you. J.D..

Next up, I'd like to bring in
a member of my cabinet

who wears many hats in terms
of responsibility and hat.

Secretary of Homeland security.

You know.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. President,
for having me.

Before we start,
I'd like to give a quick shout

out to my hair and makeup team
who absolutely hate me.

Now, obviously, there's been
clashes on both sides

in Minneapolis.

And have we been perfect? Yes.

And I know a lot of people
looking at the situation

in Minnesota
are wondering the same thing.

Can I join Ice? Well,
let me ask you

this is your neck wider
than your head?

Are you currently
wearing a Punisher t shirt?

Have you ever punched
a hole in the wall

because your son took
a dance class?

If the answer is yes,
then grab a gun,

any gun and saddle up, Big Boy.

And just know
you can always count on me.

Because my last name is Noam.
As in.

Do I have the situation
under control?

No, I don't.

Great job.

Grizzly.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Why isn't she here?

Well, now that we've heard from
my secretary of War on America,

let's go ahead and bring out
our Secretary of War with world.

Give it up for Pete Hegseth.

Everybody.

Yeah.

Cut it

I say cut.

First pow pow.

Now listen up.

Your ears are too fat
to hear the news.

We went into Venezuela,
and Como say,

do you say we teabag
their country?

You're looking at manscaped.

We went in straight up.

Stole their president. Yoink!

We only have to send
in a couple of helicopters.

All of them blaring.
Welcome to the jungle.

And the Maduro regime
was brought down to its shell.

No no no no no no no. Please.

In fact, we've been

rocking out with our seas out
all over the world.

We don't.

Venezuela.

Next we're going to smack tap
Iran.

Put the ayatollah in the chair.

I'm going to kill him.

If I told you once.

I had told you a thousand times.

You don't dare
kill your protesters.

That's our thing.

So just remember, you
f with America.

We're going to f you right back.

Just like it looks like
I'm having this kettlebell.

You might have seen it in
a video.

Got passed around online
in a positive way.

Yeah, I'm an f u.

Like, I've never done it before.

And I'm going to finish
way too fast.

Thanks, Seth.

That was great, buddy.

Even I know you're doing that
wrong.

Also, midterms are canceled,

and live from New York,
it|s Saturday Night!

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST A$AP ROCKY!

AND YOUR HOST, FINN WOLFHARD!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- FINN

WOLFHARD!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks. Thank you very much.

I'm so excited to be here.

This past year
was very bittersweet for me.

My show Stranger Things ended,

and it started. Yet.

It started when I was 12.

And I got to tell you,

it feels so amazing
that 400 million people

got to watch me
go through puberty.

What a dream.

Somebody on Reddit
actually figured out

the exact moment it happened.

And I think we have a clip.

Are you feeling any better?

Don't worry.

When all this is over,
you won't have to keep

eating junk food and leftovers
like a dog anymore.

My mom,
she's a pretty awesome cook

Yeah,
my voice changed on camera.

My first kiss was on camera
and can actually believe

that I'm admitting this,
but the first time I learned

what a woman looks like down
there was on camera as well.

So we
have another clip. I think.

Yeah.

And watch what's going on.

I know a lot of people
still see me as the kid

from Stranger Things,
right from 23 now, and I'm proud

to officially announce
that I am a man.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

Things are different now.

Like, for example,
I have facial hair.

Can we zoom in on it?

Oh, yeah.

There is. Hey.

Might only be one hair,

but party starts
from the first guest.

Arrives.

And what's a party
without some alcohol?

Now that I'm a man,
I'd like to try it now, please.

Can I get some alcohol in a cup?

Oh, yeah, I got you. Oh, yeah.

Cause I love your stand up
special, by the way.

Oh, wow.

Me too.

Cheers.

Cheers to you.

Too spicy.

I like that you did that to me.

Just like that
in front of all these people.

I appreciate that.

Thank you. Man.

Yeah.

Meet the new me.

The man me.

Stranger things is over.

And I'm not a kid anymore.

And neither are we.

We're not child stars.

We're former child star.

Any time you read former child

star in a headline,
that can only mean good things.

Really?

So, thanks to everyone
who watched us

grow up on the show

and then went online
and commented

about our changing faces
and bodies.

Yeah.

I just just wanted to say,
even though we are

now men,
you'll always be my boys.

Okay, so let's toast.

Yes. Okay.

To you hosting SNL? Yes.

And to us child stars who are
now ready to do adult films.

Hey, we
got a great show for you
tonight

A$AP Rocky is here. Stick
around we|ll be right back

what's good welcome to

Snack Home is the podcast
about snacks with your homies.

Umbrella. Here is Kyla
and Jason.

You're so and, fresh
for being grounded for spent

and too many Fortnite
books in a week.

Welcome back to you soon.

What's good?

And, we're low kids.

We're low key. 12 years old.

Except Kyler is 13.

He's young.

Bro. Chill.

And, we got a guest homie
joining us this week.

My six year old cousin
who is lowkey famous on Twitch.

Micah, it's an honor.

Nah. Chill. Yeah.

No, Honor's all mine, fellas.

Big fan of the pod.

So, Micah, you're obviously,
like, cool as hell.

Tell us about your stream, bro.

Like,
you talk about facial structure.

Yeah.

So I'm like,
I'm a looks maxin gigachad,

basically, I just got a small

mandibular growth, achieving
sigma status by, breaking my,

my jaw bone
and pulling high level talent.

So sick.

Bro. Get sick. Yeah.

All right,
so it's New Year's, fellas.

Let's talk, our early picks
for go to snacks of 2026.

Jason, take it away.

Okay. Yeah.

So I'm a big PB and J guy,
and this year

I'm seeing really big things
for Uncrustables.

Some,

Yo, you like, you ever put one
in the toaster oven?

So fire. Yeah.

Yo, yo, yo.

Not going to hold you.

I'm lowkey gunning for a crusty,
uncomfortable

like ourselves.

Maybe if you're car maxing.

I'm not trying to walk around
all six carrying the hose,

you know?

Yeah. Be crazy. Yeah.

I feel like we lowkey
put too much focus on.

Looks like as a society,

I'm just mad because he's

like the mom from Incredibles.

Not. I'm not gonna lie,
he lowkey thicc.

From the back, though.

Like, hear me out.

No, daddy.

No daddy. Nudity. Dog.

Yes. I might go without you.

Oh, so I'm gonna go for,
like, a dark horse pic.

Great for mandibular symmetry
and Max mocking.

This year, I'm
really looking forward

to messing with some celery.

Ooh, celery.

Yo, the crunch though, right?

Yeah, yeah, I

use celery after soccer practice

goes crazy.

Okay.

Kid of takes all around. Sheesh.

Jason, what you got?

I'm off to go ahead and say
double

eggs.

Yeah, bro.

Deviled eggs are fire. Yeah,
they're so raw.

Where I thought

I thought they were cooked.

Not brother
raw like they're gas, bro.

Yeah, but they are cooked
though, right?

They're not chopped, right.

But they're chopped like
once. Like like in half. No,

I think
it means like they're fire.

Like they're valid
as hell. Yeah.

But also

you got, you got that.

So, y'all already know
I'm a Cheeto fiend.

Low key.

But, lately I've been really
getting into Pirate's Booty.

Yo, I'm not eating the booty.

Yeah. Oh,

it's a white cheddar snack, bro.

It's not like that.

I'll keep stumbling.

Zesting is on some poopsie. Is.

That's crazy.

Donkeys
never beating the allegations.

All right, so

we got, special guest
this episode.

No guest.

Thank you. Man,
I can't believe it.

I'm up here
with the snack homies.

You feel me?

Jason chasing Bradley?

Yo, you gotta chill. Just.

That's the,

you know, got crazy.

Oh, man, I've been watching
the power for a minute.

Well,
I just got body by ASAP Rocky.

That's so tough.

Nice to meet you as well, Mike.

Pleasure's all mine.

I just wanted to say that
we are looking at unprecedented

levels of Chad.

Damn right here, fellas.
Check the profile.

Bro. Doesn't even have time. You

you know you way, bro.

We appreciate it.

I actually had a question, Mr.

ASAP, sir. What's the test?

So, what is your go
to snack of 2026? Mr..

Pretty good sir.

Actually,
I bought on Whitney rat snacks.

You did?

Oh. Oh, hey, look here

you go.

These are fired. Whoa, wait.

You got your own flavor.
Now is up.

I should do a set fashion.

Kill a of pickle.

Damn. Yeah.

That's tough.
That's tough as hell.

Got to say nothing
better than a big ol pickles.

There ain't no.

Nah. Yo, chill.

That was crazy.
That might be the pause.

That is, since you go.

Yo, that is.

I cool, that's it.

Fire episode everybody
yo yo me on Fortnite yet?

Dueces

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> COMING SOON TO HBO, THE

BELOVED WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY

POTTER MAKES ITS TELEVISION

DEBUT.

>> SORRY.

>> NO.

I AM.

>> I'M HARRY.

>> RON.

>> WITH AN ALL-NEW STORY, AFTER

THE SUCCESS OF A CERTAIN OTHER

HBO SHOW.

>> I'D LOVE TO SEE YOURS

SOMETIME.

>> I BET YOU WOULD.

>> CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, WEASLEY.

>> TWO POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

>> BUT 100 POINTS FOR MY SPANK

BANK!

>> SORRY, THE MINISTER OF MAGIC

IS A DEATH EATER!

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THAT

INVISIBILITY CLOAK?

>> FETCHING.

HERMIONE, WHAT'S THE SPELL TO

MAKE SOMETHING BIGGER?

>> THEY'RE ALL 18 PLUS IN THIS.

HOGWARTS IS LIKE COLLEGE NOW.

>> GREAT MATCH OUT THERE.

>> I WAS HORRIBLE.

COULDN'T CATCH THE SNITCH.

>> YOU CAUGHT SOMETHING MORE

IMPORTANT, MY ATTENTION.

>> OH!

I'M SORRY.

I WON'T LOOK.

OH, MY.

>> I'M WATCHING YOU, WEASLEY.

I THINK YOU'RE BRILLIANT WHEN

YOU LEVITATE AMONGST OTHER

BROOMS.

>> IT'S AN OWL.

>> SEE ABOUT THE MAGIC IN

SLYTHERIN.

THEN YOU CAN SLITHER IN.

>> THERE'S SOMETHING WE WANT TO

TELL YOU.

>> YOU'RE A HOMO, HARRY.

>> HOW DID YOU KNOW?

>> OH, HONEY, PLEASE.

I SHOULD CALL YOU NEVILLE

BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE LONG BOTTOM.

>> HAGRID, YOU OLD QUEEN.

>> AN INSPIRATIONAL TALE OF

SHOWING THE WORLD WHO YOU TRULY

ARE.

>> I'M DONE HIDING, RON.

>> BUT HARRY, THE MATCH.

WE'RE PLAYING SLYTHERIN.

>> LET'S WIN OUR WAY.

♪♪

♪♪

>> WELL, I THINK I'VE SEEN

ENOUGH.

10 POINTS!

FOR EQUALITY.

>> COMING SOON.

Hunter.

Come down.

Your father will be home
from work any minute.

Mom, there's.

There's
something I need to tell you.

You know that money you and dad
set aside for my college?

I want to use it now.

So my bank can go on tour.

Oh, playing
with your little indie band.

That's not a future mom.

I know, I know, it's not
what you and dad wanted for me,

but I do.

I came to support me.

Of course I support you.

But your father won't take it
well.

He's always hoped
you'd follow in his footsteps.

I don't want his life.

Oh, God. He's home.

It's okay.
I'll tell him everything.

Just please have my back.

Oh! Oof!

I just had a
beast of a day in the studio.

We were pitchy.

Corey was a mess. Wait.

What's this?

Now, Robert, I know how you feel
about Hunter's indie band.

It's okay. Mom.

I got this dad.

My band set up some bar
gigs up the coast, and,

I want to go with them out
on tour.

Indie band.

No no no no no no no.

You're not going to be
in some indie band.

Dad, I quiet.

This is ridiculous.

You're going to be a pop star
like your old man.

End of discussion.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Now go upstairs and change.

You look ridiculous, dad.

But nothing.

You're going to be a pop star.

You're going to chart
like I charted.

I don't want chart, dad.

Oh, okay.

You don't know what you're
saying, son.

When we cracked the Billboard
Hot 100 with a heart shaped

roller coaster.

It was
the greatest moment of my life.

Who cares? Dad?

Billboard sucks.

Oh, my.

Okay, okay.

Well, I guess today's the day
I hit my son.

Okay.

Not like you, dad.

Oh, I want to make art.

Oh. Oh, okay.

So I don't make art.

Is that so?

Well, then
what the hell do you call this?

Could you get my heart going,
for example?

And to tell
I love to dance in rooms.

Pack your things.

Pack your things.

I want you out of this house,
Mr. Robert.

No, this is my fault, okay?

I'm the one who introduced him
to the Pixies.

Mom? Mom, it's not the Pixies.

It's just pixies.

You see what you're doing?

You see what you're doing,
Hunter?

You're tearing this family
apart. Whatever, man.

I don't need
you. My band is my family.

Okay?

Those freaks aren't family.
Okay?

Now, true to you.

That was a family.

Get in here, fellas.

You is in the house.

Bang bang, boom!
And so on. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well.

This is a family, okay?

I'm talking about k dog.

The tall one,

Curtis 5000.

The one from the future. Future

and cyber. Yeah.

I'm the one who's 15 years older
than everybody else.

And can shoot.

You look amazing.

Thank you. Cyber.

Okay, dad,

I just want something
more fulfilling out of my life.

What could be more fulfilling
than selling out

arenas for the year
and a half preceding nine, 11?

And if I may.

Kim, you look beautiful tonight.

Thank you.

I just want something different.

I want my music.

Listen
to his son, Robert and Kim.

Girl,

it is just out of control
tonight.

For real?

Thank you.

So what do you say, dad?

I don't know, I.

I can't claim
to understand it, but

you have my blessing.

Hey, hot.

You ready? Fans all packed, man.

And Kim, as always. Wow.

Thank you.

Paloma.

I'll be right there, guys.

But first

I got to do something.

What is it, son?

Sing with my favorite person.

Love is a heart shaped
roller coaster.

It's called bang bang, bang.

And tune to this whole.

After five incredible seasons,
Stranger Things said goodbye.

And then we'll miss our Hawkins
heroes.

Netflix knows that all good
things must come to an end.

But then we saw
how many people watched it

and we were like, oh,
never mind.

So Stranger Things is back
with sequels, prequels

and spinoffs,
starting with a new series

starring the internet's
favorite hometown hero, Steve,

as he takes a new teaching job
in inner city Los Angeles.

It's stranger.

Good morning.

My name is Mr. Harrington.

Rich, you ain't going to last
one day at this school.

You think I don't know
what it's like to be a teenager?

I was 17 for ten years.

Wonder what happens to big
sister Nancy.

Watch her journalism

career
take off as she investigates

some of the biggest crimes
of the 1990s

and the Wheeler Report.

You're looking at live
footage of O.J.

Simpson's white Bronco
being driven by his friend

Al Cowlings, who we're told
is on the phone with LAPD now.

This is a sin.

O.J. is in the car.

Listen,
he just wants to go home.

Can you take his juice?

I might have gone back

to the white girl
with the orange juice.

Jumped out of the Bronco.

Plus, wonder
what happens to Mike

when he leaves Hawkins behind

to chase his dreams
of becoming a writer?

Find out in Michael Patrick
King's Mickey Mann.

Just like that, I was in a new
upside down New York.

And it doesn't take a hive mind
to realize

after you've dated
an 11, even tens for short.

Then you guys, you made it.

I wouldn't
miss it for the world.

Let's cut to the chase.

How are your sex lives?

Well, as you know,

I recently dated that
we are nerdy girl

who helps to save the world
and never talk to her again.

And ever since

my series of bad dates
has been a never ending story.

I'm a disaster.

Well, Max and I start off
hot and heavy, right?

But then couple of years,

she just lies there
like she's back in the coma.

Oh, it's bad.

Might be your nose.

What?

Do you have powers?

Oh, no.

No, no, this is from cocaine.

Oh, here. Right.

And before you get all mad
and go.

How come Will isn't in that?

It's because his coming out
scene is still going with him.

Guys.

I'm gay.

I mean, the courage
to tell you the truth.

And the truth is, I am gay,

Z, and all of your faces.

And you should know that
I like D

and D Dungeons and Dragons
just like you guys.

Everyone is getting our show.

We're even retelling
the entire original series

from an insignificant
character's P.O.V.

in the side series.

Stranger things.

Oops.
Oh. Mike's dad. Go watch TV.

I'm consistent with our
obligations of the alien three.

Ted, have you seen the kids?

They've been
gone for four days. Nope.

At first, I.

I like reading, and.

Hey, remember that
mysterious ninth episode

the internet was convinced
existed?

It didn't, but it does now.

And we got almost
all the main kids back.

You want to tell me
why the hell we're in Iceland?

Mike,
everything we thought happened

is an illusion
that was planted by Vecna.

He's still out there.
It's impossible.

Seriously, Mike,

give me one good reason
why we should believe you.

You are the reason

I'm on 11.

Hello.

Stranger things on Netflix.

This is our Star Wars.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A$AP

ROCKY!

♪♪

♪♪

♪ SOMETIMES

I FORGET WHAT LOVE IS

TRUST ME LOVE ME

TAKE ME RIGHT BACK ♪

♪ SOMETIMES

I FORGET WHAT LOVE IS

TRUST ME LOVE ME

TAKE ME RIGHT BACK ♪

♪ I WANNA FALL IN LOVE

DON'T WANT NO BROKEN HEART

DON'T WANT TO GROW APART

TAKE ME BACK ♪

♪ I WANNA FALL IN LOVE

DON'T WANT NO BROKEN HEART

DON'T WANT TO GROW APART

TAKE ME BACK ♪

♪ I THOUGHT I FELL IN LOVE

I THOUGHT SHE FELT IT TOO

I THOUGHT WE WAS IN LOVE

SHE JUST ANOTHER FLUKE ♪

♪ I THOUGHT YOU WAS THE ONE

I GUESS YOU JUST THE TWO

YOU WANT THE LAST LAUGH

LOOK NOW JOKE'S ON YOU ♪

♪ YOU THOUGHT

YOU FELL IN LOVE

YOU THOUGHT HE FELT IT TOO ♪

♪ I TOLD HER DON'T BE DUMB

YOU JUST ANOTHER FOOL ♪

♪ YOU THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE

I GUESS HE JUST THE TWO

YOU WANT THE LAST LAUGH

LOOK NOW JOKE'S ON YOU ♪

♪ I CRIED ALONE IN MY TRUCK

I FELT ALONE IN THE FRONT

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW

WHO TO TRUST ♪

♪ AND I BEEN

GOING THRU SOME STUFF

DON'T TRUST THE ONES

YOU LOVE ♪

♪ YOUR EGO'S

ONE HELL OF A DRUG ♪

♪ GROUP ECONOMICS

'CAUSE NOTHING'S PROMISED ♪

♪ YOU HOLD A GRUDGE

AND YOU TREAT ME

LIKE I'M SCUM ♪

♪ GOTTA TRUST YOUR GUT

GOTTA TRUST YOUR GUT ♪

♪ GOD'S THE ONLY ONE

TO JUDGE

NOW I'M CONFIDING

IN MY CUP YEAH ♪

♪ NOW I SEE IT

I WANNA FALL IN LOVE ♪

♪ DON'T WANT NO BROKEN HEART

DON'T WANT TO GROW APART

TAKE ME BACK ♪

♪ I WANNA FALL IN LOVE

DON'T WANT NO BROKEN HEART

DON'T WANT TO GROW APART

TAKE ME BACK ♪

♪ I THOUGHT I FELL IN LOVE

I THOUGHT SHE FELT IT TOO

I THOUGHT WE WAS IN LOVE

SHE JUST ANOTHER FLUKE ♪

♪ I THOUGHT YOU WAS THE ONE

I GUESS YOU JUST THE TWO

YOU WANT THE LAST LAUGH

LOOK NOW JOKE'S ON YOU ♪

♪ YOU THOUGHT

YOU FELL IN LOVE

YOU THOUGHT HE FELT IT TOO ♪

♪ I TOLD HER DON'T BE DUMB

YOU JUST ANOTHER FOOL ♪

♪ YOU THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE

I GUESS HE'S JUST THE TWO

YOU WANT THE LAST LAUGH

LOOK NOW JOKE'S ON YOU ♪

♪ SOMETIMES

I FORGET WHAT LOVE IS

TRUST ME LOVE ME

TAKE ME RIGHT BACK ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ SHE DON'T EVEN

WANNA BE MY WIFE NO MORE

IT MAN LIFE GOES ON ♪

♪ HOW AM I SUPPOSED

TO RIGHT MY WRONGS

HOW MANY TIMES

DID RIGHT GO WRONG ♪

♪ TELL ME HOW I'M SUPPOSED

TO WRITE LOVE SONGS

I DON'T EVEN LIKE

THEM SONGS ♪

♪ SHE AIN'T GOING

TO BE IN MY LIFE NO MORE ♪

♪ GOT ME CRYING

IN THE MICROPHONE

MAKE ME SHOUT

IN THE MEGAPHONE ♪

♪ THAT GIRL AIN'T MY TYPE

NO MORE

SHE AIN'T IN MY LIFE

NO MORE ♪

♪ I CONFIDE IN

THE STYROFOAM CUP

AHH AH-AH-AH-AH

AH-AH-AH-AH ♪

♪ I CONFIDE

IN THE STYROFOAM CUP ♪

♪ YA PUNCH DRUNK'IN LOVE

LEFT ME WITH A BLACKENED EYE

SHE DON'T LIKE US RAPPER GUYS

TAKE ME BACK ♪

♪ YA PUNCH DRUNK'IN LOVE

LEFT ME WITH A BLACKENED EYE

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

TAKE ME BACK ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend
Update with Colin Jost

and Michael Che.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm
Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well guys, it's been one year

since we got back together
with Trump after taking a break.

And there are signs

that there still may be problems
with the relationship.

I don't know if you remember,

but Trump promised us
America first.

Yet it's only our one year
anniversary, and he's already

opening our relationship up
to other countries.

This week, Trump
declared himself

the acting
president of Venezuela.

By next week, he will be
the interim Ayatollah of Iran

and then on to his ultimate
goal head reindeer of Greenland.

In fact,
the congressman has introduced

a bill to make Greenland
the 51st state.

Meanwhile,
Puerto Rico is like, wow, okay.

Officials in Minnesota have
sued the Trump administration,

claiming
that the Large-Scale Ice

actions are an unconstitutional
federal invasion.

While the Trump administration
claims that, yep.

President Trump defended

the actions of Ice agents
in Minneapolis,

adding that the day of reckoning
and retribution is coming,

which is a phrase he stole from
that guy who's always pointing

at him.

A federal judge on Friday
ordered Ice agents in Minnesota

not to retaliate
against peaceful protesters.

But if Ice agents listen
to judges, then their ex-wives

would be getting those checks
for child support.

During a visit
to the white House.

Venezuelan opposition leader
Maria Karina machado

presented Trump
with her Nobel Peace Prize.

What kind of psycho
would actually accept

someone else's
Nobel Peace Prize?

She just won it.

It's like if someone says,
help yourself

to anything in the kitchen
and you bang his wife.

Political experts
say that Machado gave Trump her

Nobel Peace Prize

in the hopes of getting his help

to become
the next leader of Venezuela.

And if that bribe
actually works,

I bet Trump's about to get
a whole bunch of Grammys.

Oh. After the CEO of ExxonMobil
told President Trump

that Venezuela
was UN investable,

Trump criticized him,
saying that

the company was playing
too cute.

Then the Exxon CEO said, oh,
you think I'm cute?

And Trump said, I do.

And the Exxon guy
said, well, is this cute?

And he put his hand
on his thigh.

And Trump said, I'm not as cute
as this and kissed him all on.

Season two of Heated Rivalry.

What is your algorithm?

And in the interview, President
Trump said that he believed

that the civil rights era led
to white people being, quote,

very badly treated.

Yeah, especially in basketball.

The white House
tweeted a graphic of Health

and Human Services
Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr

that said, quote, we are ending
the war on protein.

Good,
because I know a couple fellas

who are extremely protein.

Oh. During

a recent podcast in Paris,
Robert F Kennedy Jr criticized

President Trump's diet, saying,
I don't know how he is alive.

Well, I do a slight breeze.

Zoe Saldana,
who stars in the new avatar

movie, has surpassed Scarlett
Johansson to become the highest

grossing actress of all time.

Okay,
well, let's see what happens

if you include the box office
from Scarlett's Husbands movies.

He went down.

The college football
national championship game

kicks off this Monday
with Indiana taking on Miami.

Here to talk about it
is football

legend and Miami's most
enthusiastic fan, Michael Irvin.

That's what it's all about.

Hey. What's up?

Wait a minute.

Your name? Michael.

My name? Michael.

You know what that means.

That we have the same name.

Not just the same name.

We have the same father.

Split in two.

Michael. Yeah.

Michael. Yeah.

Della andretti.

Oh, okay.

So you already own ten,
That's just me, Michael.

My resting
heart rate is a perfect score.

16,000.

My mom was a hummingbird,
and my daddy was a bricklayer.

Okay.

I can tell.

So you've been on the Miami

sidelines all playoffs
despite graduating 40 years ago?

Yep. Here's me catching
at the game on all fours.

Here's me screaming
and here's me whistling.

You're in great shape
for a 60 year old man.

I mean, what's your secret?
It's simple. Michael.

I cut out all the
bad stuff that sleep. That

sleep.

You don't sleep? No.

I've been awake so long.

Got to say, if I fall asleep
in a bee for 1000 years.

That doesn't sound healthy,
Michael.

I am healthy
at the top of every day.

I swallowed
14 raw eggs and threw it.

Then I have a whole horse level
horse included.

Now is a good gun.
A lot more gas.

I'm worried, Michael,

if I break my heart to heart,
the glass is going to fly away.

So the game is in Miami.

Do you think Indiana's going
to come in your house and win?

Oh, please, Michael.

Oh, and in other words,
can't win

a game is what you want to be.

We got all the women in Miami.

Well, I had them all back
in my day, Michael. Okay.

Asian. Blazin. Caucasian.

California raisin.

That's
an old tanned of San Diego.

What do we call them down there?

Serving food.

I gotta get out.
I gotta get to Miami.

The game isn't until Monday.

Yeah, but I'm running now.

I figured if I leave now, hop on
9 to 5,

depending
on where the traffic is.

It take me about 6.5 hours.

You're running to Miami?

That's right. Michael.

So this six and six year
old man on the highway, 95,

well over the speed limit
with bugs all over his face.

And I ask for police
tranquilizer darts.

You better get out the way
by four.

And everybody to ask.

Don't go.

Harry Styles.

Harry Styles has announced

that his new album
will be called

Kiss All the Time
Disco occasionally,

which was also the
original slogan for Molly.

Skims has

partnered with Nike to release
their first ever shoes.

The skin shoes have a reinforced
arch, cushioned

heel and a camel toe.

I worked really hard
on that one.

New study
finds that many primate species,

including chimpanzees, take part
in homosexual activity.

The study was conducted
when one chimps

wife hired
a private investigator.

A video has gone
viral of a spooked carriage

horse in New York

City, running directly down
Sixth Avenue into traffic.

What spooked the horse?

Socialism.

Boom.

New York City Mayor
Zoran Mamdani unveiled a plan

to make New York
the first city in the country

to provide free childcare
for all two year olds.

The way mom Dani's plan works
is it's just one of his free

busses.

A large nurses
strike in New York City

began this week,

and there's no cause I support
more than large nurses.

Mattel is launching its

first ever Barbie
with autism spectrum disorder.

But keep in mind,
the Barbie was diagnosed

with autism by RF Ken Junior.

Researchers are saying
that there is a possibility

that people who frequently pick

their nose are more likely
to develop Alzheimer's.

Damn.

How deep are y'all digging?

The American Institute
of Architects has given

an outstanding
architectural design

award to a public bathroom
in Staten Island.

But like,
I keep telling everyone, it's

not a public bathroom.

A woman went viral on TikTok
recently

for her confusing New Year's
resolution involving buttons.

Here to comment
is that woman, Tamara?

What?

Are you doing tomorrow?

Hi. It's
actually pronounced Tamara.

That's
exactly how I pronounced it.

All right, well, anyway,

tell us about this New Year's
resolution. Yeah.

So this year, I'm getting 365
buttons, one for each day,

because I want to do more
fun stuff.

And I'm
getting scared of time passing.

And so I want to be
more conscious of it.

Oh, that's a nice idea.

So what's
your plan for the buttons?

My plan is one button each day.

Right.

I get that, but what do you plan
to do with them?

I'm sorry,
I don't understand the question.

Like, are you planning to wear
the buttons?

It's just one button every day.

It's just 365 buttons, right?

I guess I was just confused
about

if you're going to put them
in a jar or.

Hey, so I actually only has to

make sense to me
for me to do it.

And I don't feel like
explaining it to anyone else.

Okay, that is why you're here.

But I don't have to tell you
what I'm going to do

with the buttons or where
I'm going to put them.

All I know is I want to

have one button every day
so I can think about time more.

I think people are just sort

of curious because you brought
this idea of,

well,

all the people can just leave me
alone and let me do this.

I'm sorry. Tamara.

It's actually pronounced Tamara,
as in.

I'll tell you about the buttons
tomorrow.

You know what?

It doesn't matter.

Do you have any other
resolutions? Yes.

I want to write a book
about a man who has a secret.

That sounds interesting.
What's the secret?

I don't know.

The man has a secret.

Not me.

It's the secret
that he has buttons.

Don't be playful.

I don't have to know
about the answers to secrets.

I was just saying I had an idea.

You don't know
anything about me.

You don't have to know.
I kind of pushed the buttons.

It's just one button.

365 every day.

One button each. Every day.

Are you
running out of batteries?

That's very funny.

I can see why

they made you the anchor.

Before I go.

I do have a solution
to the crisis in Venezuela.

All right. Fine. What is it?

I don't know.

I just have to go there and
understand how to want to know.

Tamara, everybody.

I use the buttons, okay?

For Weekend Update
I|m Michael Che I|m Colin Jost

Goodnight!

You're watching HBO,

Hulu with your Paramount
Plus pass on Amazon Prime.

What?

Now back to the gritty space
epic dark

Orbit.

And breezy Chancellor

Snooks from cram nine requests
an audience with his grace.

Chancellor, have you come
to grovel at your emperors feet?

You are no emperor

yet here I sit atop a throne,
surrounded by servants,

a life woman
to kneel at my side.

I am blessed to be your floor
girl, my lord.

A muscled fool to sound my brow.

I would fan
you even in death. Emperor.

And a snack. Then she can.

Whose only job is to feed me
delicious delights.

Yes, an endless
array of galactic

goodies to swell
your belly in dome, sire,

in these
jelly moon balls from food.

Yeah.

Delicious, delicious.

Indeed.

Cover cancer.

Huey. Huey

does it pain you?

Does it?

Can you tell me I'm
not the one I. Yes.

I love to watch you chew or not.

I think I'm good on those.

Are you sure?
I think I'm no good.

I need to get back to.

Yes, I think so.

Business Chancellor,
I have come to persuade you

to lift your blockade
on my planet's trade routes.

Without solar
sea, the soil starve.

And soon so will my people.

Ironic, isn't it?

Your people waste away.

Well, my goal,
it is stuffed with chickens.

Delights? Yes.

Indulge my fish on this split
jelly sphere from Dong Bee.

Bite my knees. Yes.

There's more.

My need.

Speak by us
with this skin, my liege.

Yes, yes.

Are you

sure you don't want to launch?

That's very heavy.

Yes. They double.

Okay. Yes.

Let's put a pin in those. Yes.

Thank.

My terms?

Simple.

I will end the blockade.

If your planet becomes
a colony of my empire,

my planet will never
colonize him.

We are a free people.

Not for long.

Starve native self.

Yes, big citizen.

Taste that honey
nap in the middle. Oh!

No, I don't love that chicken.

My apologies
sir, I will kill myself.

No, no, don't do that.

I love the lights, I love them,
just not that delight.

Yes, sire.

He hates that delight.

Take that delight
out of the rotation.

I have authority
from the Senate to negotiate.

We offer a quarter
share for our exports.

You all hear that?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha!

Oh, no! She did. She.

What is that?

This is the hind leg of a crag.

Snout a side.

She can look at
how big that thing is.

I can't eat this all now.

Understood, sire.

For her share.

That is all
we are willing to see.

I do not barter.

Agree to my terms.

Will I declare you
an enemy of the Empire

and begin
sulfur strikes at once?

You wouldn't dare.

I would, and I will.

A toxic rain will fall over
time to for some bamboo fruit.

Shall. Yeah.

Stick your tongue out, sir.

Your Mr..

I mean, not his name.

Oh, I love feeding
you some. Okay.

Oh come on. Stop, please.

What the good pups
in the middle.

I'm, Too much.

Too much.

What is that?

It's melted Boo-Boo fruit.

Too much? Nothing.
Boo-Boo fruit.

But 49 more flavors awaits.

Absolutely not.

We're suspending to the lights.

Okay, I know, I think stand.

I love my delights.

You know I love them.

I'm very pro delight.

We're we're pushing pause.

Of course, Your Excellency,
that the lights are paused.

We are holding the delight.

I asked you
one last time, Chancellor.

Will you colonize?

I'd rather eat that disgusting
beast.

Yeah.

Indulge in these mating nooks
and crannies.

Dude,
get that out of my face. Oh!

Oh, eat it!

Dude, I love
boys Day, you know what I mean?

Just kick back, watch the game,
talk about boy stuff.

Yeah.

So, what's new in 2026, fellas?

Well, I bought some sweatpants
that you can wear to weddings.

Oh, I see, so you can be cozy
and respectful.

I like that, yes.

Good shot. I guess.
All right. So.

All right, guys,
I know this isn't

the usual vibe,
but I invited my girlfriend.

I hope that's cool.

What? No, that's not cool.

It's boys that.

No, no, no.

Trust me, dude, she she gets it.

She's a total guy's girl.

Oh, must be her now.

Hey, guys.

Guess what?

Boobs are here.

Hey, guys! Go away!

Put your junk away.

I want to see that. Oh,

and now you imagine.

Okay.

What's up?

I'm Michelle. Hey, sweetheart.

I told you guys, you know.

All right.

Gotcha.

Yes. Well, welcome to Boys Day.

Help yourself to some snacks
if you want.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what do we got here?

Pizza wings.

IPAs.

Or, as I like to call it,
the three food groups.

Sure do

let me know. Hey,

she's so twisted.

Yeah,
and nice to meet you, Michelle.

I'm Santee.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah,
I've heard about you.

Certified loverboy.

Certified pedophile. What?

Oh, hey.

Sorry. Did you hear that?

I'm a pedophile.

Yeah.

That's cute.

Dude,

she's Jake, your chain.

I'm telling you,
she's like one of the guys.

Oh. Okay. Yeah, whatever.

Let's just watch football.

I hope the Texans win

because I got a lot of money
on this game.

Oh, wow.

Your girl is letting you
bet again.

I thought
she shut that down. Dude.

Actually,

I've been
meaning to tell you guys.

Sarah and I recently called off
our engagement.

Oh. No. Dude.

What happened?

I don't know,

I guess we just realized we want
two different things and.

Sounds like a bitch.

Oh, dear.

Oh, are.

Maybe
I don't spill it on my floor.

Oh, yes. Oh,
your precious floor.

Of course, Your Majesty.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

This guy's obsessed
with this floor.

He marries it.

He wants to have it.

Sex with the.

What are you talking about?

It's supposed to be a normal

boy's day
where normal things happen.

Guys, what's the.

Oh! Oh, sexy. God.

Oh, wow. Baby. Want milky?

Oh, yes. Tiny.

Just say you want Jack or Cody.

The who?

It really is the sweet life. Oh,

it's just me here.

I'm going to throw up.

Okay, well, boys, I'm
feeling some thunder down under.

And I'm going to go
drop a snake in the tank.

Okay, I'll be right

it up in there.

Imagine she falls in

and it's like toilet land
becomes like, for instance,

a toilet paper like that
even because you imagine.

Chris,

we've never seen you
act this way in your life, man,

I know, right?

This makes me so happy.

Where did you guys even meet
that really funny story? She.

She passed me in a Starbucks.

I guess she likes what she saw.

And, Yeah,
I think she's the one.

Really?

Because, like, man, she's a lot,
a lot, dude, she's disgusting.

Disgusting. Oh.

Yeah.

I'm sorry for being a lot.

You know, it's hard being a
woman in a room full of men

and, you know,
you're being judged

for everything you do
and everything you say.

But the truth is,
is that I really like Chris,

and I just wanted
you guys to feel like me, too.

But I guess, you know,

it's, that Angela,

And this is the best way
to said that.

Do that.

And if you're not sure,
singing it's good.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, A$AP ROCKY!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I CAN SEE THE SKY CRYING

WHEN YOUR RAIN FALL TEARS

GOTTA CLOSE THE WINDOWS

WHEN THE WIND BLOWS THERE ♪

♪ I CAN HEAR THE HURRICANES

WHEN THE END'S CLOSE NEAR

SHE CRY ME A RIVER

NOW IT'S ALL DOWNHILL ♪

♪ RIGHT ABOUT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING ♪

♪ JUST TO SEE

YOUR FACE EVERY DAY EVERY DAY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE RIGHT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING

TO STAY IN YOUR GRACES

LIKE ANYTHING EVERY DAY ♪

♪ LET ME KNOW WE AIN'T DIE

FEELIN' ALIVE

JUST LIKE MY VITAL SIGN ♪

♪ SHOW ME

ALL YOUR VITAL SIGNS NOW

LET ME KNOW LET ME KNOW ♪

♪ LET ME KNOW WE AIN'T DIE

PINCH ME

LET ME KNOW I'M ALIVE ♪

♪ I AIN'T NEVER BEEN

THIS HIGH BEFORE

HIGH OFF LIFE

AND NOTHING ELSE ♪

♪ RIGHT ABOUT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING ♪

♪ JUST TO SEE

YOUR FACE EVERY DAY EVERY DAY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE RIGHT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING

TO STAY IN YOUR GRACES

LIKE ANYTHING EVERY DAY ♪

♪ TRADE IN ALL MY CHAINS

ALL MY BRANDS AND NAMES

CHANGING ALL MY WAYS ♪

♪ CUT MY BRAIDS BABY

JUST TO HEAR YOU

JUST TO FEEL YOU ♪

♪ RIGHT ABOUT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING ♪

♪ JUST TO SEE

YOUR FACE EVERY DAY EVERY DAY ♪

♪ OHH OOH OOH

OOH OOH OHH OOH ♪

♪ I CAN SEE THE SKY CRYING

WHEN YOUR RAIN FALL TEARS

GOTTA CLOSE THE WINDOWS

WHEN THE WIND BLOWS THERE ♪

♪ I CAN HEAR THE HURRICANES

WHEN THE END'S CLOSE NEAR

SHE CRY ME A RIVER

NOW IT'S ALL DOWNHILL ♪

♪ RIGHT ABOUT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING ♪

♪ JUST TO SEE

YOUR FACE EVERYDAY

EVERYDAY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE RIGHT NOW

I'LL DO ANYTHING

TO STAY IN YOUR GRACES

LIKE ANYTHING EVERY DAY ♪

♪ D-D-DUMB-DUMB-DUMB

DUMB

TEMPORARILY UNABLE

OR UNWILLING TO SPEAK ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ FOUR FIVE HUNDRED

ON THE HUMMER NO GAS

EIGHTY-NINE

PRICE ON THE TICKET ♪

♪ EXERCISE

EAT ALL MY VEGETABLES

MESS UP SOME DECIMALS

HE 'BOUT HIS BUSINESS ♪

♪ STUNNER 'BOUT THE HUNDREDS

GOT 'EM COMIN' OUT FAST

SHAWTY GON' BAG IT LICK IT ♪

♪ GIFT-WRAP PACKAGE SHIP IT

WENT FROM RAGS TO RICHES ♪

♪ DUMB DUMB

ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW

WHO RUN RUN ♪

♪ ON THE FRONT PORCH

ON THE FUNCTION ♪

♪ I'M CHECKIN' MY SNEAKERS

NO CHECKS ON MY SNEAKERS

JUST PUMA GAP

AND YEAH THE GOODY GRIM ♪

♪ PULL UP TO THE CHURCH

IN MY HOODIE THEN

I'M 'BOUT TO GET UH

FOR SURELY THEN ♪

♪ I RIDE AROUND IN

THE ALL-PINK MERCEDES

AND ♪

♪ LIKE KILLA CAM

MY BRAIDS LOOKIN' LIKE

I COULD BE JIM ♪

♪ THEY LOOKIN' AROUND LIKE

THAT COULD BE THEM

LOT OF OPPS IS AROUND

AND YOU COULD BE THEM ♪

♪ IF WE TALKIN'

'BOUT POCKETS

YOU KNOW MINE FAT ♪

♪ IF WE TALKIN' YOUR CHANCES

THEY COULD BE THIN ♪

♪ I'M KNOCKIN' AT THE DOOR

LIKE LET ME IN

WHO GET MORE KITTY

THAN A WHAT ♪

♪ SPIDER-MAN

TAKE MY WHITE TEE OFF

SPIN IT LIKE A HELICOPTER ♪

♪ TAKE MY WHITE TEE OFF

SPIN IT LIKE A HELICOPTER

MESS WITH YOUNG PRETTY FLACKO

I'LL PETEY POP YOU ♪

♪ YEAH

MESSIN' WITH

THAT PRETTY FLACKO

MIGHT PETEY POP YOU GRIM ♪

♪ TAKE MY WHITE TEE OFF

SPIN IT LIKE A HELICOPTER

TAKE MY WHITE TEE OFF

SPIN IT LIKE A HELICOPTER ♪

♪ MESS WITH

YOUNG PRETTY FLACKO

I PETEY POP YOU ♪

♪ YEAH

MESSIN' WITH

THAT PRETTY FLACKO

MIGHT PETEY POP YOU GRIM ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Next Friday, January 23rd.

Prepare to witness
a first of its kind of bet.

Alex Honnold of the Academy
Award winning film Free Soul

will do the impossible.

It's been a lifelong dream
of mine to climb a skyscraper,

so I'm going to be free
soloing Taipei 101,

one of the tallest buildings
in the entire world.

No ropes, no gear.

Just me and the building.

Yeah. I'm ready.

And, I'm gonna do it. Two.

101 stories, 1667ft.

No harness, no safety net.

My whole life has been
leading me to this climb.

Yeah.

No, I never rock climb before,
but thankfully,

a building ain't no rock.

I think I've gotten used

to fear over the years.

It's an ever present part
of climbing.

Occasionally
things just happen, though.

No matter how much you prepare.

That's what I'm saying. Why?

I never been inside a voiceover
before.

La la la la la la.

And of course, it's an honor

to be doing this
in the city of Taipei.

Yeah,
I'm excited to, I've never been

with a Taiwanese woman.

I'm so proud of my husband
for doing this.

A lot of people wouldn't
because they want to be around

for their family.

But not him.

The emotion I have about
this is Crowdedness.

I legit don't think Reggie cares
if he lives or dies.

Honestly, he's been holding on
for a thread now.

He's been holding on by a thread
for a long time now.

When he found out Taco
Bell was discontinuing the Baja

Blast Pi, he stood up and said,
there it goes.

My last reason
not to risk it all.

The next day you signed up to
climb a building with no ropes.

Also,
Reggie literally has narcolepsy.

But what did I win?

The stakes are life and death.

The biggest obstacle
is probably going

to be the wind up
at the higher levels.

I think the biggest obstacle
for me is going to be this.

But I'm ready.

I've been scouting
this building.

I've been working.

Training runs every day,

and I've got custom
made climbing shoes.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna make
something happen with these.

I've never met you, sir.

Of course, it is always scary.

But he's a professional.

He's prepared for this.

I can't stress
how unprepared Reggie is.

I've seen this man
take an Uber to the bus stop.

This man eats
so much White Castle.

They have his picture
on their website.

I'm a little nervous, Alex.

I know,
but it's going to be fine.

If anything happens to me, I wan

If something happens to

me, please tell Sheila
from Facebook dating.

I'm not going to make it
to the Isle of God.

Fine. Yeah. Wait.

Who is she?

Do you have a wife?

It will be the biggest free solo
climb ever.

And there's
no telling what will happen.

I've got a pretty good sense
of what's going to happen.

So tune in.

January 23rd.

Wait, did he start already?

Hey, hey.

Netflix

We saw your Hockey Porn
and raised you a live death

♪♪

>>> MY THANKS TO A$AP ROCKY.

THIS HAS BEEN -- THIS HAS BEEN

ONE OF THE BEST WEEKS OF MY LIFE

AND ONE OF THE BEST CASTS EVER.

THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.

LOVE YOU ALL, THANK YOU!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪