All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S51E08.Josh.OConnor.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

I know you have questions

for the president,
but it's very late.

He's exhausted.

His brain is all over the place,

so unfortunately,
he can't wait to talk to you.

Now, now, everybody in Spain

and tomorrow
is your favorite president.

Hiding behind my curtain
or behind the curtain?

Something I enjoyed doing
at Miss Teen USA in 1997.

I'm ready to talk.

You know, this is exciting.

Tonight, I took both an Ambien
and an Adderall,

so we're going to see which one
we're in.

So just a few questions, please.

Please. Oh,
how great is Caroline Leavitt?

We love her.
Oh, she's got a beautiful face.

And those lips that don't quit.

Pretty amazing that I could

just openly step over
my young blond support.

And it's giving Michigan
football coach.

Can we get a closeup?

Let's get a close up on him now.

That's one of my example.

Now if they. Oh,
I love that man.

Now people need to see this.

Look at those lips.

They go up like a machine gun.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh thank
you Mary. That's that's,

Well,

see, he liked it because I'm
very nice to him.

And. Yes, you have a question,
you nasty, horrible witch.

My name is Caitlin Collins, sir.

And that's one of the nicer
things that you've called me,

sir, at your rallies this week.

You address
the affordability crisis.

Are you admitting that
it's a serious problem?

No, it's made up
term affordability.

The economy is very strong.

Everyone's fine.

From the billionaires
all the way down to the poor.

Poor millionaires who we're
praying for every night.

Which is a miracle,
because I inherited a mess

of an economy from the awful
presidents who came before me,

like Biden and Trump.

This guy, this guy did
a great number on this place.

Now get a man.

Ask me a question, please.

Yes. You're kind of a man. What?
Your God.

Okay. Mr.

President,
any comment on the oil tanker

you seized off the coast
of Venezuela on Wednesday?

Yes. We're
doing pirate now, IRA.

You know, it's interesting.

Last week

I said Somalis were garbage, and
now we are stealing the ships.

Ironic, isn't it? Ellen is.

She's great and she's happy.

But with regard to tanker,
you know, I'm Captain now.

Remember that
Captain Phillips and captain.

I love that line.

You know, Captain Phillips,
one of my favorite captains.

After Crunch Berries.

Why do you say whoops,
I prefer it.

I prefer when it's all Crunch
Berries.

Oh. Methinks
Ambien has pulled into the lead.

But don't worry,
Adderall is still in the race,

right?

So you'll continue to carry out
strikes on Venezuela

in the Caribbean area? Yes.

And you know, we're
not just targeting drug boats.

We're targeting
suspected drug planes as well.

In fact,

we have some declassified video
from a strike I can show you.

Now, do we have
that clip? Where's the clip?

Was that Santa?

Not anymore.

Next question.

Mr. President,
do you have any comment on the,

potential sale
of Warner Brothers to Netflix?

I don't know why
anyone wants Warner Brothers.

They got one of the worst studio
locked doors in L.A.

You go on that thing,

and it's just some kid
pointing to a tree.

Oh, that's the tree
from Pretty Little Liars.

Who gives a crap?

You want to go to Lucas?

I want to go
to the Gilmore Girls gazebo.

Let's go there.

And the Batman Museum, right?

Yes, but could you comment
on the latest

batch of Epstein photos
released by House Democrats?

Look, the fact is, these photos
are a fake news Democrat hoax.

Okay, well,

even the picture of a bowl of
condoms with your face on them

and the text saying I'm huge,
they're 100% legit.

I love those files.

I'm in the files.
I took a lot of great pictures.

Okay, I like that ball.

Okay,
I think that's enough questions.

The president really
needs to rest. Oh it's true.

I have to begin my pre bedtime
self-care ritual.

Putting a bandage on my hand
and covering it with makeup,

then adding more
layers of bandage and makeup.

It's a medical,
isn't your Mamma mia?

We should all be very worried
about my health.

I'm very ill.

Then I will brush my teeth
before drifting off the grave

about Caroline's mouth.

Let's get one more shot at me.

I was that
you want to say the lie?

I don't know, you lied.

I want to see those mixing
under your skin.

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT!

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE"!

WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST LILY ALLEN!

AND YOUR HOST, JOSH O'CONNOR!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- JOSH

O'CONNOR!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

Thank you,

thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you so much.

I'm so happy to be here.

I'm going to

thank you.

And for those of you
who know my face,

but maybe can't quite place me.

No, I am not the mouse
from flushed Away.

Although I will say
he is quite fetching.

I'm an actor who you might know
from the Crown.

Yes, from challenges
and other angles

and other competitive homoerotic
dramas.

Yes. I know I have a reputation
for being

what the internet calls
a soft boy.

I embroider,
I scrapbook, I garden,

I'm just your average,
everyday 65 year old woman.

And I'm just trying to
live a quiet life.

But you have to be very careful
about what you say, because

the press will blow everything
completely out of proportion.

Like one time I said that

one of my favorite movies
is Rat Tattoo, which is true.

It's a great film.

But I
suppose fans started pitching me

as Chef Linguini for a live
action Ratatouille remake,

and I'm not very online,
so I didn't know that

this was a thing

until the president of Disney,
Pixar, publicly declared

that there will never be
a live action remake,

no matter how much
Josh O'Connor once hit.

Do you know how it feels
to be publicly

rejected from a job
I didn't even want?

For the record, I don't even
want a live action rat to do it.

I don't have the time for it.

I mean, I'm already in the new,
Knives Out film

with them.

Now that I'm saying out loud,
sounds like the perfect name

for the live action
rat to do it.

But that's neither here
nor there.

I'm at SNL and I'm so honored.

The cast,
the crew and sorry, sorry.

For what it's worth,
I would kill as linguini

to, like, see a picture of him.

His is
his is a huge and rat to do.

He is basically a queer love
story, but I agree, I agree.

Let's not do it anyway.

Being here SNL during Christmas
time is magical and joyous,

and because you can't
make it to you

unless you have the perfect
cast, there's just no point.

I mean, who would play the food
critic Anton Ego?

Perhaps Jeff Goldblum?

No no
no no, I mean yes, but later.

We've got a great show
for you tonight.

Lily Allen is here, so stick
around and we'll be right back.

And now the game where singles
mingle.

It's flesh, find love.

Hello, hello
and welcome to Let's Find Love.

I'm your host, Darth Vader.

I don't know why
that always gets a laugh.

It's just my name.

But today, one
lucky man will get his pick

between three beautiful ladies
in his search for love.

Let's meet our prince
charming, Daniel Loesser.

Hi, I'm Daniel.

I'm 35 years old,
and I've been told I'm cute, but

I don't know.

Oh, you know,

now, before we meet our lovely
ladies,

we would just like to say
we have addressed

the age discrimination problem
here at the show.

So we have officially raised
the age cap of our contestants

from 38 to as old as we can
find.

Wait, what?

Let's bring out our ladies.

Hi, I'm Jaisal, I'm 36.

I'm a swim instructor,
and I'm looking to cannonball

right into your heart.

Hi, I'm Trisha.

I'm 35.

I work in accounting,
but the only number

I'm interested in is infinity.

With you.

What's going down?

I'm Ingham crusher.

I'm 84 years old,
and I'm looking for someone

to keep me crackin
and smack into my time

here on Earth is up.

Fantastic.

All right, let's get started
with our first look at this.

I'm going to keep me going.
Get my bone dry.

Keep my bone dry.

Make sure I'm taking my meds
right, get my meals right,

get my protein
drunk in my cheese. Right.

Get my pills right.

Make sure to get my salmon's
right.

Get my juice
right. Get my stuff right.

Oh my God.

Let's start the game.

All right. Oh.

Oh. Okay.

Looks like everybody's
different, so.

Okay.

All right, there she goes.

She's gonna.

Oh, she's got a baguette
and a break.

Okay.

Oh, I think she's wonderful.

I'm here.

Okay, well,
these are some beautiful ladies.

Dan, let's start off
with your first question.

Okay.

Contestant number one,

we're bound
to get under each other's skin.

But what is your biggest pet
peeve? Ooh.

My biggest pet peeve is when
people are being mean to others.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I love nice girls.

Now, you don't,

No, no, we're all going to wait
our turns.

Okay.

Contestant number two.

When people chew gum
with their mouth wide open.

Oh, totally.

I absolutely hate that.

I'm not a lot of gum anymore.

That's what they said.

That's what they said.

Can that count as their answer?

No. Okay.

Contestant number three.

Biggest pet peeve is when
there's no cake at a wedding.

Doesn't make any sense.

Makes me want to hurl myself
over a bridge.

Don't cake it a wedding.

There's there.

Always be hot,
moist cake at a wedding.

Oh, why should I go?

Why should I go?

Am I supposed to answer?

I don't think so.

Okay. Next question.

Contestant number one.

If we were to leave together.

Where do you see
our future in a year from now?

Hopefully somewhere
tropical together.

Laughing under the stars.

A sense of humor
that's so important.

I love that I got a joke.

My sister's a bitch.

Okay, let's move on.

Contestant number two.

I'd like us to be in the suburbs
with one child and a couple

little ones on the way.

Well, medically impossible,
but a really nice idea.

And, contestant number three,

I know exactly where
I'll be in one year from now.

Front row, opening
night of Toy Story five.

The toys are back
and wiser than they were before.

Woody and the gang
have to battle an iPad,

and Pixar's
got a lot of pressure.

They got to get the story right,
get the buzz right.

They got to get Andy right.
Get the toys right.

Why should I go?

Why should I go?

All right.

Looks like it's that time to
pick your one true love, Daniel.

Oh, finally.

Time to pick. Let's go.

Oh, no.

I'm not letting you see
my options.

You don't pick.

Whoa!

Smoking.

Well, that's very flattering,
but I think I'm going

to have to go with someone else.

Not you, pretty boy. Him,

me. Oh, yeah. Oh, snap.

I never get picked.

Yeah, because that's not
how the game works. Yeah.

Bye bye. Bye, boo!
I'm in charge.

Come on, man, on the back.

Let's get our buddies
right. Let's go get our Sammy.

Right. Let's go get us.

Go get him!

Get out!

Get out!

it|s the end of the year.

And you know what that means,
honey.

Spotify wrap. Just drop.

Oh, my God, I love
when they do this.

It's a way of looking back
at who you were in 2025.

Steely Dan, you know that tracks
with shareable stats

showing how you compared
to people around the world.

I'm in Sabrina
carpenters top 1%.

That's so neat.

Well, now
there's another way to look back

at who you truly were this year.

Introducing Uber Eats wrapped

Oh no

no thank you.

Study here.

Patterns
and crunched the numbers.

Oh no I understood what it was.

I just don't like that.
And I don't want that.

Well we did it anyway.

Now you can find out
which restaurants

you couldn't live without.

Taco Bell, Five Guys, Burger
King, Chipotle

Guess that explains
why the plumber's always here.

It's not always here.

Toilets are a killer.

Oh, thanks, man, I got to vote.

No problem.

And learn what food I was
telling you in a choke hold.

Says I'm in the top
1% of nuggets.

Oh, what does that even mean?
Take a wild guess, David.

What did I eat? More nuggets
than 99% of the world.

That can't be true.

You're eating nuggets right now.

And based on your order history,

our math wizards have determined
your Uber Eats H.

My top food was churros
and my Uber Eats age is dead

better than mine 52.

And for half an hour and a half,
I do.

Whoo, whoo!

What women in the world
would like what you just did?

Only one serving this year.

Check out all the looks you wore
to greet your Uber drivers.

What? I even share these words.

And we calculated exactly

how much money you spent on
Uber Eats this year.

$24,000.

Give me one second.

Oh, and check out
personalized messages

from the restaurants
that kept you fed.

Thank you so much, Melissa.
Because of you,

we are the number one
Wendy's in the country.

Oh my God.

Oh, phone just hit me.

It's Uber eats wrapped

You have to tell people
you're going to do this.

Oh, are you out of your mind?

All right, Mr.

Coleman,
thank you for your patience.

The doctor will see you now.

Hello, patients.

Apologies for the delay.

I was delayed.

Oh, Hi.

I have with me the results
of your bloodwork. Oh, okay.

Is everything okay?

To tell
you was my greatest wish.

But this is a teaching hospital.

So my intern, who did

your blood work
will be giving you the results.

Oh, okay. That's fine.

Very good.

Intern. So.

Oh my God.

Is that my blood?

What should I tell him
if it is his?

Say no.

No, no.

Please
give the patient test results.

Okay.

Your blood

is good.

Okay, that's a relief.

Excellent job, intern, but
are you sure the blood is good?

No. Then do not say it's good.

And that is the lesson
for today.

Good bye.

Wait.

You didn't
even give me my results.

Good catch. That was a test.

Oh, perhaps the quiz.

No, quizno's. Now I'm hungry.

Let's look.

I just want
to know if my blood is okay.

Doctor, your 4:00 is here.

No is dead.

Exactly how I left you. What?

Are you serious?

I am. And don't call me serious.

My name is Shirley.

Okay. Doctor, please.

How did you know my last name?

Your name is doctor, please.

Yeah, he's doctor, please.

And I'm Shirley. Please.

Are you two related?

I hope not.

Oh my God.

Look, can I please
just get my test results?

I got a date tonight,
and I need to know if I have to.

Como si?

Be safe. Disclose anything.

Of course.

The patient is always right.

I think the saying is
the customer is always right.

Well, in a way,
the patient is the customer

of a doctor and a and a horse
is the car for a cowboy.

That's a joke.

Oh, how I love jokes.

There's just something
about them that makes me laugh.

You're not laughing,
but I'm smiling.

And what is a smile but a laugh
that hasn't been born yet?

Talk to you 5:00. It's dead.

No. It's ugly.

Then kill him. I'll try.

Now, Shirley gave the patient
his results in plain English.

Please. Your blood is right.
Good night.

He's proper fit in it.

But your sodium levels
are bullets.

So we're prescribing

you all that and a bag of chips.

What is that?

It's a VHS of classic episodes.

Of all that inside
a bag of Cape Cod

crinkle cut crisps.

They are perfectly
with lolly tops.

What are lolly tops?

They're lollipops.

But just the head

for when you want to suck
on something but not hold it.

Doctor, your car was towed.

No, it was found at the scene
of a crime.

Exactly where I left it.

Look, please
just tell me my results now.

Fine.

See for yourself.

This is your bloodwork

and says you two are related.

Guess we'll
have to stop doing this.

Thanks for coming to my cozy

little bachelorette
weekend, ladies.

I know it's lame,

but I just wanted to do
something chill with my girlies.

Hopefully not too chill,
because what's

a bachelorette weekend
without stripper?

Oh. What?

No, I told you guys, it's
not that kind of weekend.

Strippers
really aren't my thing.

Okay, don't worry.

I got you a different kind
of stripper.

Strippers
that are more your type.

Okay, ladies, meet again.

Remington. Hi.

Do we have consent to enter
your home?

Sure. Hi.

You are enough.

Oh my God.

Before we get started,
mind if I finish?

My book

was written by this brilliant
woman of color.

Margaret,
where did you find these guys?

On a Sally Rooney message board.

And the most sensitive male
strippers in all the Catskills.

Okay,
I hate to be the group horndog,

but are they not going to strip?

Oh, they strip, boys,

if you're horny.

All right.

And, last.

Oh, why are they wearing
two cardigans?

Oh, look at, like, I think it's
really working for her.

You know,
I think the president should be

Cynthia Erivo.

God. You're perfect.

Hey, I never seen her like this.

I'm still not turned on y'all.

These guys look like
Frog and Toad.

Are they gonna drop frow
and show that Ticonderoga

pork pencil?

Beth, stop.

I'm just saying.
I want to see some skin.

Ask and you shall receive my.

Picture on tattoo.

I don't want my strippers
to have little beanies

and little earrings.

I want them to throw ass
in a cop outfit.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Wait.

Look, now they're dancing.

Hey, you.

Seems like they're just vibing
with each other.

What if we.

We shouldn't.

Unless we can't.

Are they having a will?

They won't. They?

Oh, God.

Yes. Oh.

Can we get a lap
dance, at least?

That's actually their specialty.

Hit it guys!

Of course.

We're not expecting

the double jeans
from your ladies.

Oh. Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

You have to forgive yourself.

Oh, I think mine's crying

He got overstimulated.

It's okay, buddy.

I'm sorry.

I was just thinking
about the Supreme Court.

No, no, no.

This is not a stripping is.

Yeah, and I'm worried
Liz is gonna keep for real.

Oh shut up, Jan

I would.

Hey, big surprise I made.

What the hell is this?

We don't want any problems, sir.

Oh, yeah, well I do.

Get over here.

Fleet foxes, let's go.

Oh, my God, they're fighting!

Oh, don't hurt them, Craig!

Kill him right now!

Oh, right.

Oh! Oh!

Please stop! Oh!

Oh! Now, where were we?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN
LILY ALLEN

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

**

* YOU WON'T LOVE ME

YOU WON'T LEAVE ME

YOU DON'T TOUCH ME

STILL SO NEEDY *

* AND I DON'T KNOW IF

YOU DO IT INTENTIONALLY

SOMEHOW YOU MAKE IT

MY FAULT *

* YOU DON'T STOP TALKING

AND I'M JUST SLEEPWALKING *

* COURSE I'M ANGRY

COURSE I'M HURT

LOOKING BACK

IT'S SO ABSURD *

* COURSE I TRUSTED YOU

AND TOOK YOU AT YOUR WORD *

* WHO SAID ROMANCE

ISN'T DEAD

BEEN NO ROMANCE

SINCE WE WED *

* WHY AREN'T WE --

YEAH THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID *

* BUT YOU LET ME THINK

IT WAS ME IN MY HEAD

AND NOTHING TO DO WITH

THEM GIRLS IN YOUR BED *

* YOU DON'T STOP TALKING

AND I'M JUST SLEEPWALKING *

* SEE YOUR THOUGHTS FORMING

BABY STOP IT

IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING *

* AND I DON'T KNOW IF

YOU DO IT INTENTIONALLY

BUT SOMEHOW YOU MAKE IT

MY FAULT *

* YOU DON'T STOP TALKING

AND I'M JUST

SLEEPWALKING *

* I KNOW YOU'VE MADE ME

YOUR MADONNA

I WANNA BE YOUR WHORE *

* BABY IT WOULD BE MY HONOR

PLEASE SIR

CAN I HAVE SOME MORE *

* I COULD PRESERVE ALL

OF YOUR FANTASIES

IF ONLY YOU COULD

ACT THEM ALL OUT WITH ME *

* YOU DON'T STOP TALKING

AND I'M JUST SLEEPWALKING *

* SEE YOUR THOUGHTS FORMING

BABY STOP IT

IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING *

* AND I DON'T KNOW IF

YOU DO IT INTENTIONALLY

BUT SOMEHOW YOU MAKE IT

MY FAULT *

* YOU DON'T STOP TALKING

AND I'M JUST

SLEEPWALKING-ING *

* YOU WON'T LOVE ME

YOU WON'T LEAVE ME *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update

with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome the weekend update I'm
Michael che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Just this week, President Trump
led a rally celebrating

his handling of the economy,

which for some reason, he held
at a casino in the Poconos.

Just kind of weird to say.

The future is brighter
than ever. Isn't that right?

Woman on oxygen
playing the nickel slot.

Trump speech was supposed
to focus on the affordability

crisis, but he drifted off topic
just a little bit.

They don't use the word chief

of staff anymore
because of the Indians.

Can you imagine if Donald Trump
married his sister?

Do we love miners?
I love miners.

What?

Don't forget

eggs.

I love that

the president
lost his train of thought,

and someone in the crowd
had to remind him.

His train of thought was eggs.

Sorry.

Eggs.

As you can
see from the sign behind him,

the theme of the rally was lower
prices, bigger paychecks,

which was much better than
his original economic message.

Not my fault.

Sell your blood.

This week,
President Trump claimed

that affordability is a new word
made up by Democrats

to hurt him.

But if Democrats really wanted
to make up a word specifically

to hurt Trump,
it would probably be

fatmentia

President Trump also complained
about immigrants from countries

like Haiti and ask,

why can't we have some people
from Norway instead?

Or how about someone
who's Norwegian and Haitian?

Like Times Square?

Elsa.

The Department

of Homeland Security posted
an image of immigration officers

in Santa hats with the caption,
you're going ho ho home.

Even worse, Santa retweeted it.

DHS Secretary Kristi
Noem testified before Congress,

where protesters interrupted her
by shouting the line,

the power of Christ compels
you from the exorcist.

No, mostly ignored them,
but did take one quick

look back.

Last week,
President Trump hosted

multiple events
at the Kennedy Center,

including an award ceremony
for Sylvester Stallone, Gloria

Gaynor and rock band kiss,
as well as a musical performance

by The Village People.
Which raises

the question Is Donald Trump
a gay man from 1978?

In a new interview,
President Trump said

that Venezuelan President
Nicolas Maduro days are numbered

as opposed to Trump,
whose days are littered.

Trump also said that
the proposed merger

between Netflix and Warner
Brothers

discovery could be a problem,
adding bribe.

In response,

Netflix is offering Trump one
night with the Demon Hunters.

The Archdiocese of New York
announced that it will set up

a $300 million
fund for victims of sex abuse.

The church encourages victims
to claim the money

by sticking their hand
in this here hole.

Okay, okay.

Health officials are reporting
a surge in winter

vomiting disease, which is
better known as santacon.

This crowd's been there.

The holidays.

The holidays are right around
the corner.

Many of us will be traveling
home to see our families.

Here to comment is our very own
Marcello Hernandez.

Hello.

Hello. How are you?

I'm great. I'm great.

Are you excited
for Christmas, Marcella?

Yes, I love Christmas, man.

I can't wait to see the family.

I can't
wait to meet the new boyfriends.

Oh, Christmas is the time

when someone
brings a new boyfriend

and he spends the whole night

pretending to be
someone he's not.

This guy's like,
I love the food, Mrs.

Hernandez. It's delicious.

You don't like the food, Kyle?

You like having sex
with my cousin.

And in my family,
there's always an uncle who's

big on giving unsolicited
sexual advice.

He's like, hey, you.

Hey, next time you go to
the nibble, bite it a little bit

and you're like,
I'm 11, man. But.

Bite it,

bite it a little.

So what else do you like about
Christmas?

Oh, I love seeing all my younger
relatives.

You know, the young ones.

There's two types of little kids
on Christmas.

The kind that has an iPad
and the kind that you wish

had an iPad.

The kid with an iPad is
like a dog with food, you know.

He's fine
if you leave him alone.

But if you try to
take it away, he's like, oh.

And then

the kid
that doesn't have an iPad, he's

just mean, you know, he'll
come right up to me and be like,

how come you're a grown up,
but you're not tall?

Like one?

Wow. What kind of kid were you?

Which one?

Let's just say
I didn't have an iPad.

I used to be so bad that Santa
Claus used to call me.

Yeah, like in the summer,

my mom would hand me the phone,
and then Saint Nicholas himself

would be like, hey,
my cello is me, Santa Claus.

If you don't behave, I'm
going to escape your house.

And I'd be like,
I'm sorry, Santa, I'll behave.

And then he'd be like that
ghetto

in that old car.

Me and my dog, Rudolph.

I love you very much.

That's sweet though.

That's. Yeah, a lot of people
used to call me Colin.

Spiderman used to call me
Spiderman.

Yes. He'd be like,
hey, Marcello, it's me,

your neighborhood friend.

By their man.

And I'm calling you
because your mother telling me

that you are climbing
on the walls.

You cannot do.

Only I can do that
because I was bitten

by a radioactive spider.

I think that when me
and my brother Superman.

I love you very much.

Yeah, I'm not sure that was
actually Superman.

Spider man.

It doesn't matter.

I still get a lot of these
calls.

Listen to this voicemail
that Lauren left me.

Hey, Michelle.

It's me, your boss, Lorne
Michaels.

I'm calling you
because your mother telling me

that you're not spending
enough time with her.

Blah blah blah.

Me and my brother,
Jimmy Fallon love you very much.

Brother Jimmy Fallon,
I don't know.

All right, well, let's
get back to the holidays, okay?

I'm assuming you have,
like, a big Latin Christmas.

Don't do that, Colin.

But yes, I do.

You know, it's
the Latin Christmas.

We eat pork, we dance.

And at the end of the night,
my mom's like

you know what I want
for Christmas?

A grandchild.

But you won't give me one
because you hate me.

You guys watch
any Christmas movies? Yes.

Of course. We used to always
watch home Alone.

And as a Latino kid,
that movie was unbelievable.

Because this kid misses
the plane, destroys the house,

and ruins their vacation.

And somehow, this movie doesn't
end in a historic ass beating.

In the
first scene of this movie,

the mom's like,
go to your room, Kevin.

And he goes, shut up, mom.

And I'm like,

if that was about me,
that's where the movie ends.

Roll the credits in memory

Marcela Hernandez.

I wonder

if spider man, I like that.

According to a new report,
people in Long Island

spend more money

on only fans than some entire
eastern European nations,

because Eastern Europeans
are too busy working

on only fans.

The Golden Globe
nominations were announced,

with the most nominations
going to the movie

One Battle After Another
and the very exciting

and the least nominations
going to Michael Che's Hold Up.

Madea Got a Daughter.

A video has gone
viral of a runaway horse

in New York City galloping down
a highway near JFK airport,

and good news,
he made his flight.

I thought you'd like that more.

A photo has gone
viral of a group

of eight students from San Jose

forming a human swastika while
laying on their high school's

football field.

Even crazier, it was the result
of a skydiving accident.

I knew
you wouldn't like that one.

Police in Florida arrested
two men and a woman.

Good luck guessing
which is which.

After they were discovered

having drunken sex
in a Winn-Dixie parking lot.

The trio was immediately
transported to a waffle

House parking lot.

A new bill
has been proposed in Congress

that would require fathers
to pay 50% of medical expenses

for a woman's pregnancy
and delivery.

Fine.

But then I'm out.

Pantone announced that

their color of the year is

Cloud Dancer,

which they call a billowy,
balanced white

imbued with a feeling
of serenity, a description

they stole from my old Bumble
profile.

Well, there are many theories
about how society as we know

it could end here with a stern
warning about the future

is our own Jane
Wickline

Hello.

Thanks for having me. Hi, Jane.

So we don't have much time

left as a species, so I'm just
going to get right into my song.

Oh, well,
if you don't have that much

time, maybe you shouldn't
do a whole song.

This is called the greatest
threat to humanity right now.

And we're programing

monsters
we will lose control of soon.

They're taking every job,
and singularity is approaching

when they get smarter than us.

Will they be our doom?

I think we all know the topic.

I am broaching.

We don't have much time
left to stop them.

We must kill them
while they're still weak.

But child actors

from Stranger Things.

They are adults now.

We have to destroy them
before they destroy everything

that child actors
from Stranger Things.

I can't really fight.
You're talking about AI.

AI AI is just a distraction.

The real
threat here is Sadie Sink

and her

child
costars on Stranger Things.

Stranger things is ending.

They'll have so much free time.

What if they grow self-aware?

We need to keep them occupied.

They can mobilize
their followers.

60 million followers.

We need to keep them occupied.

I just don't understand
what you think the danger is.

The Stranger Things
kids use a cubic

mile of water every minute.

If there's a Hellgate Max,
a rider belongs in.

Oh my God.

That's flashing the environment
and killing the economy.

Finn Wolfhard
is the devil to me.

He's the devil.

The six of them are in the room

right now, preparing
to seize the next election.

And for these reasons,
I stand with the fact

that.

These kids are harmless.

All they do is like going hot
ones.

Calling things that start funny
can get important.

Joe Rogan
used to make people eat bugs,

and now he's the president
of the United States.

Everyone's
focused on Stranger Things,

and they're ignoring
the stranger thing

of the strangers
on the internet,

thinking those six strange kids

aren't a danger,
but they're the devil.

We're straying from the truth.
But I have a plan.

I'll tie some cheese

to a string.
But a stick under a box

big enough to catch six strange
kids.

I'll be a hero.
I will win an award.

You stopped the apocalypse,
president.

Chat bot will beam at me
as we spend on the brains

of the six strange kids
and make them to,

They can join
the cast of all spin

Jane Wickline

Everybody.

And they brought me back.

For Weekend Update Goodnight!

>>> TO CELEBRATE THE SUCCESS OF

"WICKED FOR GOOD," UNIVERSAL

PICTURES IS RELEASING SPECIAL

DELETED FOOTAGE FROM THE MOVIE

THAT STARTED IT ALL, 1939'S "THE

WIZARD OF OZ."

>> WE'RE HERE!

>> OH, I'M SCARED, DOROTHY!

>> I AM OZ!

THE GREAT AND POWERFUL!

WHO ARE YOU?

>> OH -- MY NAME IS DOROTHY.

THE LITTLE AND WHITE.

AND WE COME TO ASK --

>> SHUT UP, GIRL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ KNOWS

EXACTLY WHY YOU'VE COME.

STEP FORWARD, TIN MAN.

YOU DARE TO ASK ME FOR A HEART?

>> UM -- WELL, YES, SIR.

YOU SEE, IF I COULD LOVE --

>> SILENCE!

AND YOU, SCARECROW.

YOU DARE ASK ME FOR A BRAIN?

>> YES, YOUR HONOR.

PLEASE.

>> YOU STUPID DUMBASS!

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND YOU.

IS THAT LION I SEE?

>> NO!

DOROTHY, HIDE ME!

>> I BET I ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU

WANT.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY IT OUT

LOUD.

>> OH, IT'S OKAY, LION.

>> THIS PATHETIC BAG OF FUR CAME

ALL THIS WAY JUST TO ASK ME FOR

A BIG OLD THING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> A BIG OLD THING?

>> MR. OZ, YOU'VE GOT THAT ALL

WRONG.

>> YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> MY FRIEND LION IS ONLY

LOOKING FOR SOME COURAGE.

>> COURAGE?

IS THAT WHAT HE TOLD YOU?

YEAH, RIGHT.

THIS PSYCHO IS LOOKING FOR, AND

I QUOTE, A BIG OLD THING LONG

ENOUGH TO SEE FROM SPACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT,

LION?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE MIXING ME UP WITH

SOMEBODY.

>> I GOT ALL HIS LETTERS RIGHT

HERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE'S BEEN WRITING ME FOR MONTHS.

THIS ONE SAYS, "DEAR MR. OZ.

IT'S YA BOY LION AGAIN, AND I

REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD BLESS ME

WITH A BIG OLD THANG THAT I CAN

DRAG ACROSS THE SAND AND SPELL

MY NAME."

>> JESUS, MAN.

>> OR THIS ONE.

"HEY, OZ.

IT'S ME, A SICK LITTLE GIRL, AND

MY LAST DYING WISH IS FOR MY

FRIEND, LION, TO HAVE A THANG SO

BIG, MUNCHKINS CAN USE IT FOR A

PULL-UP BAR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SINCERELY, LION."

>> WHAT'S THAT EVEN MEAN?

OH, MY GOD!

WE CAN ASK FOR THAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> ASK FOR WHAT?

>> OH, NOTHING, DOROTHY.

>> OH, COME ON, FELLAS, TELL ME.

DOES A BIG OLD THING MEAN

COURAGE?

>> YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> BUT LION, DON'T TELL HER

THAT.

>> WELL, LOOK, GUYS.

I HAVE A VERY RARE MEDICAL

CONDITION.

IT'S CALLED HAVING THE SMALLEST

THING IN OZ.

>> HOW SMALL COULD IT BE?

>> WELL, I'M STANDING HERE BUCK

NAKED THIS WHOLE TIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND NOBODY'S FREAKED OUT ONCE.

YOU AIN'T GOT TO BLUR IT OR

NOTHING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WOW.

I GUESS WE HAVEN'T NOTICED.

>> EXACTLY.

YOU SEE?

I NEED THIS, MR. OZ, SO THAT I

CAN FINALLY WALK BACK TO MY

JUNGLE WITH MY HEAD HELD HIGH

AND MY BIG OLD THING SWINGING

LIKE A CHURCH BELL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST TELL US

THAT'S WHAT YOU REALLY WANTED?

>> BECAUSE I'M A COWARD, DUH.

PLUS, I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GOING

TO SAY IT OUT LOUD IN FRONT OF

EVERYBODY.

>> OH, PLEASE.

YOU'VE BEEN HERE LIKE EIGHT

TIMES, MAN.

ASKING FOR THE SAME THING.

YOU KNOW HOW THIS GOES.

>> YOU'VE BEEN HERE EIGHT TIMES?

>> SILENCE!

THE BENEVOLENT OZ HAS EVERY

INTENTION OF GRANTING ALL OF YOU

YOUR REQUESTS.

>> FOR REAL?

>> REALLY?

>> OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

>> YES.

BUT FIRST, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO --

>> PERMISSION TO CHANGE MINE,

SIR!

>> WHAT?

>> PERMISSION TO CHANGE MY WISH

FROM BRAINS TO A BIG OLD THING

TOO, SIR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MAY NOT BE VERY SMART, BUT I

KNOW I WANT A BIG OLD BROOMSTICK

THAT CAN FIT THREE WITCHES!

>> BUT SCARECROW, WOULDN'T YOU

RATHER HAVE A BRAIN SO YOU CAN

READ BOOKS AND COUNT NUMBERS?

>> NO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NO?

>> DOROTHY.

LOOK AT ME.

NO.

>> I'D LIKE TO CHANGE MINE TOO,

SIR.

>> BUT TIN MAN, WHAT ABOUT YOUR

HEART?

>> WELL, OF COURSE I'LL STILL

NEED A HEART.

SO I CAN PUMP ENOUGH BLOOD TO

THAT NEW BIG OLD WINBANYAMA!

>> FINE, THREE BIG OLD THINGS IT

IS.

AND AS FOR YOU, DOROTHY -- OH,

NO.

DON'T TELL ME THE DOG WANTS A

BIG OLD THING TOO.

>> TOTO!

>> TOTO!

>> TOTO!

>> BUT SERIOUSLY, I NEED YOU ALL

TO MURDER A LADY FOR ME.

HA HA HA!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

* BRAD BRAD BRAD BRAD AND HIS

DAD *

>> I'M DIVORCED.

Okay, great. Great. Great.

These are.

Questions.

Not long.

That's fine.

Hey, bud, let's take a little
hack stacker break, okay?

Sure. Hot on this.

Thanks for coming to get
a Christmas tree with me, bud.

You're welcome.

Hey. What's wrong kiddo?

I wish I got to see you
on Christmas.

I know, buddy,
but it's your mom's year,

and, hey,
I'll see you the week after.

And you know the best thing
about Christmas, kiddo? It's a

jackass.

I hear you got kids in the car.

I still my prime.

All right, bud,
let's find a tree.

Grab your jacket, Brad. Skull.

I'm fine.

I'm not cold.

Dad. I'm cold.

Yeah.

You're good, but.

Yeah.

This is Primo Pine right here.

Yeah, this is the one.

Hey, Brad,
you want to do the honors?

Really?

Yeah.

I can.

How's it going down there?

Can't guess.

Yeah.

Try to keep it in one try and
make one cut because it's sap.

So sticky, hard to harness.

You know, buddy,
one on our tag in here.

Who's that bud?

That's Emily,
the prettiest girl in my class.

Got it.

Okay. Should I go rinse her up?

Yeah. Bad.

Do your thing. Go. Right. Go.

These are down two.

Hey, Emily.

Hi, Brad.

Okay.

See the side

six and.

Love six.

Okay, bye.

Bye, Brad.

Hey, I'm back. Oh.

But are you okay?

I'm fine.

All right.

Mission accomplished.

Oh, Brad.

Look, if your girl Farrell honk,
you wave.

Don't! Dad. Your burst. Me?

Oh! Come on.

Hey, Mary. Did.

Oh, fan.

Tastic.

Hey, pal.

Hey, dad.
Merry Christmas. Guess what.

Oh. All right, let's, turn
the volume down a little bit.

That, had a couple eggnog
at Sharkey's last night.

Oh, sorry.

And Shannon has diarrhea, so
we're not going there anymore.

And mom said that I could come
to your house today.

Really?

Well,
that's a Christmas miracle.

Merry Christmas,
that merry Christmas, son.

All right,

you gotta go.

I think it's coming over.

Oh, my God, you have a kid.

This final
is going to be brutal.

Professor Hamner is notorious.

Do we want to share our notes?

You guys can.

I didn't take any, cause
I knew it already.

Simon. Dude, you are unreal.

I can't believe
you're in college.

And you're only 12.

It's chill.

I'm just like you guys work
hard. Play hard.

No, you're way smarter.

Yeah, you can be our professor.

Probably will be soon.

If I stay in academia.

That is so badass. Oh, sorry.

Is it okay
if we swear in front of you?

Of course. You effing can.

I heard it all.

Anyway, I mean,
if you guys have questions.

Sorry. Not if. When.

Hey, hun.

Hope your study group's going
okay.

I gotta get out of here.
Heather.

I have a meal plan. Heather.

Don't embarrass me.

Heather.

What's in it?

A personal favorite strawberry.

Oh. Leave it.

Oh, hey, do.

So. Where are we going for
spring break?

Simon, are you okay?

Yeah. How?

If we do Miami,
we can get there by train.

Was that your mom?

What?

No, that'd be weird.

I'm just like you guys.

I live in the dorms.
I have a roommate.

I shower in my shoes.

My balls are happenin.

Oh, who's your roommate?

Who's the random older woman
they put me with?

Is it your mom?

I don't think so.

Hey, Simon. Hi.

You forgot your jacket
for later. No.

Oh. Oh.

Come on. I feel like it is cold
outside. We're indoors.

Heather tried to forecast
better together with it.

Okay. You.

And you're sure
that's not your mom?

Nope. It's just a girl
I'm dating.

Oh. Oh, okay.

But I might end it because
I want to be single for Miami.

Speaking of which party?

Who's hooking up with him?

I don't know if we feel
comfortable talking about that.

It's cool. I've done it all.

I know how it works.

One time is all

Ukrainian lady was teaching me
Rachmaninoff on the violin.

And I can feel her
big old breath against my back.

That's awesome.

Ma'am.

Anyway,
if you guys need my help,

I need an awesome
study guide. But.

Oh, shoot, I think I left it
back in my dorm.

Hey, Simon, I actually have
your study guide here.

You can just do that.

Even if it's a pain in my knee,
to end

the needs of others
has a role for me.

Get yourself other heroes
like you really saved the day.

Oh, will you please call me mom?

I think you might hear other.

I'm trying to hook up with this
girl, Heather.

Oh, I can tell she's
down. Heather.

Oh, sustainable.

She's down too pretty. Heather.

I mean, I'm.

But you can't.

I don't know
the boss of me. Heather.

Yeah. You need my permission
to go to school.

I can yank you right out. Dude.

Where will I go?
Heather? On the street.

Oh, I can't end up like that
for sure.

That'll maybe like dad.

I know. Okay.

Sorry about that.

By the way, she's definitely not
coming to Miami.

We're not going to Miami.

It's okay.

Simon, that's
obviously your mom.

You don't have to be
embarrassed.

Yeah,
we all know what moms are like.

And yours
does seem pretty overbearing,

but you stop.

She's beautiful.

She sacrificed everything.

She could be a reporter.

That's how hard she is.

I mean,
you don't even have a mother.

I actually have two gay moms.

How would that work?

Two letters.
You must be so loved.

Look, Simon, I totally get it.

You wouldn't know because
she kept her maiden name.

But Professor Hamner is actually
my mom.

We're good now.

But it took a little while
to get used to.

Oh. Hey, everyone. Bradley. Hi.

You didn't come to office hours
like everyone else,

so I just wanted to drop off
your last problem set up.

Don't do this. I'm really sorry.

No, I mean, if it's
you later and I do my role.

Okay.

Leaving Heather,
another mom, a friend for you.

Heather.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, LILY ALLEN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

**

* I KNOW NONE OF THIS

IS YOUR FAULT

MESSAGING YOU FEELS

KIND OF ASSAULTIVE *

* SAW YOUR TEXT

THAT'S HOW I FOUND OUT

TELL ME THE TRUTH

AND HIS MOTIVES *

* I CAN'T TRUST ANYTHING

THAT COMES OUT

OF HIS MOUTH *

* NO I CAN'T TRUST ANYTHING

THAT COMES OUT

OF HIS MOUTH *

* HOW LONG HAS IT

BEEN GOING ON

IS IT JUST SEX

OR IS THERE EMOTION *

* HE TOLD ME IT WOULD

STAY IN HOTEL ROOMS

NEVER BE OUT IN THE OPEN *

* WHY WOULD I TRUST ANYTHING

THAT COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH *

* NO WHY WOULD I

TRUST ANYTHING

THAT COMES OUT

OF HIS MOUTH *

* WE HAD AN ARRANGEMENT

BE DISCREET AND

DON'T BE BLATANT *

* THERE HAD TO BE PAYMENT

IT HAD TO BE

WITH STRANGERS *

* BUT YOU'RE NOT A STRANGER

MADELINE *

>> HEY, HE IS TELLING YOU THE

TRUTH.

OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS ONLY EVER

BEEN ABOUT SEX.

I CAN PROMISE YOU THIS IS NOT AN

EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.

WE DON'T SPEAK OUTSIDE OF THE

TIME WE SPEND TOGETHER.

AND WHENEVER HE TALKS ABOUT YOU

IT'S WITH THE UTMOST RESPECT.

* YOU TELL ME

HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH

IS THAT THE CASE OR

A LINE THAT HE FED YOU *

* WANNA BELIEVE YOU

BUT IS IT A RUSE

LIE TO ME BABE

AND I'LL END YOU *

* I CAN'T TRUST ANYTHING

THAT COMES OUT

OF HIS MOUTH *

* I'M NOT CONVINCED THAT

HE DIDN'T -- IN OUR HOUSE *

* DO YOU TWO EVER

TALK ABOUT ME

HAS HE TOLD YOU

THAT HE DOESN'T LOVE ME *

* I BET HE TELLS YOU

TELLS YOU HE LOVES YOU

I'VE GOTTEN OLDER

AND UGLY *

* I WOULDN'T TRUST ANYTHING

THAT COMES OUT

OF HIS MOUTH *

* NOW WHY WOULD YOU

TRUST ANYTHING

THAT COMES OUT

OF HIS MOUTH *

* WE HAD AN ARRANGEMENT

BE DISCREET AND

DON'T BE BLATANT *

* AND THERE HAD TO

BE PAYMENT

IT HAD TO BE

WITH STRANGERS *

[ GUN SHOTS ]

* BUT YOU'RE NOT A STRANGER

MADELINE *

* MADELINE, MADELINE

MADELINE *

* BUT YOU'RE NOT A STRANGER

MADELINE *

>> I HATE THAT YOU'RE IN SO MUCH

PAIN RIGHT NOW.

I REALLY DON'T WANNA BE THE

CAUSE OF ANY UPSET.

HE TOLD ME YOU WERE AWARE THIS

WAS GOING ON AND THAT HE HAD

YOUR FULL CONSENT.

IF HE'S LYING ABOUT THAT THEN

PLEASE LET ME KNOW BECAUSE I

HAVE MY OWN FEELINGS ABOUT

DISHONESTY.

LIES ARE NOT SOMETHING I WANNA

GET CAUGHT UP IN.

YOU CAN REACH OUT TO ME ANY

TIME, BY THE WAY.

IF YOU NEED ANY MORE DETAILS OR

IF YOU JUST NEED TO VENT OR

ANYTHING.

LOVE AND LIGHT, MADELINE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Variety's Actors on Actors
and Directors on Directors

series have been a runaway
success, with Hollywood's

biggest stars having intimate

one on one conversations
on their craft

and this holiday season.

Get ready to listen to your
favorite icons of Christmas out.

Complement each other
in characters on characters

with incredible pairings

like Rudolph and the Partridge
in a pear tree.

Wow, Rudolph,
it is such an honor

to be sitting across from you.
Are you kidding me?

I'm such a huge
fan of your song.

It's such,

such an honest portrayal of how
many days there are Christmas.

Wow. That's.

Wow. That's that's
that's awesome.

Thank you man. Yes.

I wanted to start by asking,
what was your training

like before you started
flying with the sled?

Can I confess, I actually don't
have any formal training? No.

That's true.

And really,

I'm just a part of an ensemble,
which I know you understand.

Yeah, well, I you know,
when we did 12 days, it was,

all the turtledoves, the maids
milking, and.

But you work on a song
like that, it's just,

like your chosen family
for the ballet.

What is your holiday favorites,
like Scrooge and the Grinch?

Talk about process in a way
that makes you go, you know,

I mean, to get to say
the words of Doctor Seuss.

I mean, what a privilege.

You know, it's a force.

And and how was it,
working with Max?

Oh, Max the dog. Amazing.

Yeah, he's
a genius. He's a genius. Yeah.

We shot on location in Whoville,
and the people

could not have been more
welcoming.

I mean, what is going on
with them politically right now?

Oh. It's on thinkable,
and my heart goes out to them.

So tell me about Bah Humbug.

Was that improv?

I love to say that it was,
but that that was all.

Charlie? Charlie.

Oh, Dickens. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I

worked with him.

No. No, I'm dying to, but not.

Yeah, yeah. No, no.

And don't
miss the touching conversation

between two former child stars.

It's,
good to meet you, Tiny Tim.

It's just him now, but,

it's an honor to meet you,
little drummer boy.

Oh, well,
now I go by a drum, daddy.

Right, right.

And I hate to ask this,
but could you do the thing?

Oh, which thing is that?

Come on, man.

Don't act like there's
multiple things.

PA rum pum pum pum. Yes!

Let's go. It's
my childhood, dude.

I love you, man.

And literally the only two women
in all of Christmas.

Mrs. Claus and the grandma
from grandma got run over

by a reindeer.

I'm sorry.

I think she might be dead. That

Oh. You made. All

right. Characters on characters.

Just let these auto
play on your computer

so that a bunch of nice people

can still get to work
at a magazine.

Happy holidays.

>>> CHEERS!

>> GOSH, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME

WE ALL HAD BRUNCH?

>> SERIOUSLY, I LOVE WHEN IT'S

JUST US.

NO HUSBANDS, NO KIDS, NO

FERRETS, NO OFFENSE.

>> PEEPERS PASSED, ACTUALLY.

>> OH, GOD, WE'RE SO SORRY.

>> NO, NO, HE PASSED ON COMING

HERE.

HE HAD A BIG WEEK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> SEND PEEPERS OUR LOVE.

HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD LILY ALLEN'S

NEW ALBUM?

I LOVE IT.

>> OBSESSED.

>> HER SONG RATING IS GENIUS.

HER LYRICS ARE SO SPECIFIC.

>> AGREED.

OKAY, BUT WAIT, SOMEONE HAS TO

TAKE THE LAST PIECE OF THIS

FLATBREAD.

>> MINE --

>> OH.

>> SORRY, CAROLINE, DO YOU WANT

IT?

>> NO, GO FOR IT.

>> ARE YOU SURE?

>> YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE.

* WE ORDERED THE FLATBREAD IT

CAME WITH EIGHT SLICES *

* THE MATH IS QUITE SIMPLE EIGHT

SLICES DIVIDED *

* BY JUST PEOPLE WE SHOULD EACH

TWO *

* MEGAN TOOK THREE SO I WAS

SCREWED *

* I THOUGHT THAT THAT WAS QUITE

STRANGE *

>> EAT IT, I'M NOT EVEN HUGRY.

I'M TOTALLY GLP-1 VIBES.

>> OH.

OKAY, THANKS.

SO ANYONE DOING ANYTHING FUN

AFTER THIS?

>> I HAVE REALLY FUN PLACHCTION.

I'M TAKING PEEPERS TO GET AN

IUD.

>> OH.

I DIDN'T REALIZE PEEPERS WAS A

GIRL FERRET.

>> YEAH, SHE'S JUST MASKED.

>> EXCUSE ME, SIR.

THIS MARG IS A LITTLE TOO SPICY

FOR ME.

>> OH, SO SORRY ABOUT THAT.

THAT'S OUR MISTAKE.

* WHEN HE ORDERED HIS DRINK HE

SAID CAN YOU MAKE IT BE SPICY *

* IT CAN BE REALLY SPICY HE SAID

THAT'S GREAT BECAUSE I REALLY

LIKE SPICY *

* BUT NOW HE IS PISSED BECAUSE

HIS DRINK IS SO SPICY *

*

* AND I THOUGHT I'M GOING TO

SPIT IN HIS DRINK *

LET ME FIX THAT RIGHT AWAY, SIR,

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> OH, WAIT.

I HAVE SOME NEWS.

>> WAIT, HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN

"ALL'S FAIR"?

>> YES, IT'S SO CAMP, I'M

OBSESSED.

>> SARAH PAULINE IS

UNBELIEVABLE.

* THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS I GET

INTERRUPTED *

>> OH, MY GOD, KIM.

>> SORRY, I HOPE IT'S OKAY I

BROUGHT RYAN.

>> SURE, WE CAN GET ANOTHER

CHAIR.

* THIS IS SO AWKWARD I

SPECIFICALLY ASKED IF I WAS

INVITED *

* I DON'T LIKE HER FRIENDS THEY

DON'T GET MY JOKES *

* EVEN THOUGH I HAVE GOOD ONES

LIKE *

BEEP BEEP!

MAKE ROOM FOR THE DADDYMOBILE!

THIS CAR RUNS ON DADDY JUICE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

* THEY THOUGHT THAT THAT WAS

QUITE STRANGE *

>> OH!

>> WHAT THE HELL?

>> THAT WASN'T ME, IT JUST FELL.

>> HOW DOES A MIMOSA FALL ON ITS

OWN?

* I JUST DID THAT I DID IT WITH

MY MIND *

* I'VE BEEN PRACTICING MAGIC

SINCE 2009 *

* AND I THOUGHT I'M LIKE MATILDA

BUT POOR *

>> EXCUSE ME.

WAITER THIS MAN JUST SPILLED A

MIMOSA ON ME.

[ CHEERS ]

>> I CAN HELP WITH THAT.

* THIS IS SO AWKWARD I DO NOT

WORK HERE *

* I'M LILY ALLEN LAST WEEK I

WORE THIS TO A CHEESECAKE

FACTORY *

* I WORKED A WHOLE SHIFT I'M WAY

TOO POLITE *

>> WAIT.

OH, MY GOD.

LOOK WHO IT IS.

>> ME.

>> NO, IT'S PEEPERS!

>> I GUESS SHE DECIDED TO COME

AFTER ALL.

* AND I THOUGHT *

* I THOUGHT THAT THAT WAS QUITE

STRANGE *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

>>> THANKS TO LILY ALLEN AND

DAKOTA JOHNSON!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**