All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S51E07.Melissa.McCarthy.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

You're watching C-Span.

Hey, Netflix.
We're for sale too.

We now go to the Pentagon

press conference
with the secretary of defense.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the press.

As you know,
there have been concerns

about ongoing military action
off the coast of Venezuela.

Here to answer
all your questions in a calm,

non-aggressive
fashion is Secretary of War

Pete Hegseth.

Yeah.

I shut the hell up. Got it.

Cut the music.

What?

First things first.

Where are the fatties?

You. Out

What?

I'm not even fat.

Oh, really?

You think you're hiding
under that blazer, Porky?

Who do you write for?

The Chicago trombone.

Because that's what they play
when you're fat ass.

Walks around.

Now listen up.

As you probably
read in some gay newspaper,

we're now at war with Venezuela.

All you nerds are, like, late,

but was there
an official declaration of war?

Yeah, it's right here.

Super finger, Dane cook.

Now, you got questions for me?

Fine.

Pretend I'm a random
fishing boat and fire away.

Okay.

Is there any truth
to the allegations

that after an initial strike
on a drug smuggling boat,

you ordered a second strike
to kill the survivors?

First of all,

that kind of cruel, heartless
act has no place in operation.

Kill everybody.

Second, I wasn't even
in the room when it happened.

Okay? I was so jacked up.

After the first strike,

I had to make an emergency call
to my sponsor.

Sorry.

A guy
I met at an anonymous meeting.

So I don't drink something
that I like and I want,

but I can't have.
But I want it, and I need it.

And I want it right now. Bah baa
baa baa baa bah. It's booze.

Next question.

Yes. What do you say to Senator
Mark Kelly,

who said you act like a 12 year
old playing army?

First of all, Kelly,
that's a girl's name.

What's his first name?

Dress.

No, it's Mark, like I said.

I'll get a husband.

I'm trying.

Well, answer your question.

I was just playing army.

Where there be 80 dead
fishermen,

narco terrorists in Venezuela
right now.

Next question.

Yeah. So is 80.

The official death toll is 80.

The official.

No, it's six seven, six, seven.

Idiot.

Let's just say if I had a drink
for every Venezuelan

we've killed.

I'd really like that
number of drinks.

All right. Next.

Oh my God.

Is that Matt Gaetz?

That's right.

It's me, Matt Gaetz?

I'm a reporter now.

Fifth question.

You're only killing people who
are trafficking drugs, right?

So, hypothetically,

if someone were trafficking
something else, they'd be okay.

We're

targeting drug smugglers
exclusively.

Giggity.

No further questions,
Your Honor.

I have a question.

Jesus. Yeah.

Will and Grace go.

My name is actually
William Grace.

How do you respond
to the allegations

that the so-called war on

smugglers is a smokescreen
for regime change?

Oh, a way to solve the mystery,
Scoob.

Cause that's what we're doing.

And it always works.

Just like it did in Guatemala.

Nicaragua. Cuba. Brazil.

Bolivia, Panama, Haiti, El
Salvador, Chile.

Honduras.

Peru.

Animaniacs.

Now we done here, actually.

We're going to catch
dork from you nerds.

The secretary Hegseth.

Some people are accusing you
of war crimes.

Even the president has been
distancing himself from you.

Oh, well.

That's interesting. I actually
have a question for you.

Have you ever kissed a girl?

But I'm genuinely asking.

I have a wife.

Oh, okay.

We'll send her my way
when she wants

to actually feel something.

Anyway, to answer

your question, President
Trump has my back 100%.

You want to know why?

Because unlike you, beta cucks,
he's a high energy alpha who?

Trust me and listen to me
no matter what.

Isn't that right, Mr.

President?

Stop!

Mamdani

You can freeze my rent any time.

I wasn't sleeping.

I'm very much awake.

Now someone quickly
tell me, where am I?

Who am I?

And what year might it be?

Good one, Mr. President.

Everything you do
that's weird is a joke.

I was just telling everyone here
that I have your full support.

Absolutely. We love Pete.

He's a great guy.

It was just fog of war, right?

Fog of war.

It's a thing you only
say after doing war crime,

right?

You never hear in general. Go.

Everything went according
to plan in fog of war.

It's like when you go into the
sauna at Equinox and suddenly

you're doing stuff.
You never did before.

Fog of war, foggy war.

We love it.

It's a great new excuse.
We love it.

So I stand by Pete,
and nothing can change my mind

unless, of course,
it can hurt me in any way.

In which case I'll throw him
under one of these free busses.

Final question.

Yes, Mr.

President, more Americans,
including your own voters, now

blame you for the affordability
crisis.

What's your message to them?

Shhh!

He's sleeping.

We got to get him to another MRI
before he wakes up.

And live from New York.

It's Saturday Night!

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL ACT DIJON!

AND YOUR HOST, MELISSA McCARTHY!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- MELISSA

McCARTHY!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK

YOU VERY MUCH.

IT IS SO GREAT TO BE HERE

HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"

FOR THE SIXTH TIME.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALSO, DURING THE HOLIDAYS.

I MEAN, COME ON, PINCH ME.

THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN

CHRISTMAS IN NEW YORK.

THIS SPECIAL TIME OF YEAR.

IT'S ABOUT FAMILY AND FRIENDS

AND CLASSIC CHRISTMAS MUSIC.

COME ON, SET THE MOOD, GANG.

**

OH, THAT'S NICE.

SPEAKING OF MUSIC, THERE'S

SOMETHING MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW

ABOUT ME.

IS THAT I AM A MUSICIAN.

AND MY INSTRUMENT -- AND MY

INSTRUMENT IS THE MOUTH HORN.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S THE MOUTH HORN.

AND I'M A BIT NERVOUS, BUT --

MAYBE IF WE BRING DOWN THE

LIGHTS?

I CAN GIVE YOU A LITTLE TASTE OF

CHRISTMAS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

**

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS ]

**

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> SOAK IT UP, SOAK IT UP, THANK

YOU.

OH, MY GOSH, YOU'RE AMAZING.

JUST SAY NICE THINGS TO ME.

OH, I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR,

THOUGH.

THE TREE IS LIT AND SANTA'S

CHECKING HIS LIST.

HE'S GOT NAUGHTY AND NICE AND

EPSTEIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE COULD ALL USE A LITTLE

CHRISTMAS MAGIC.

SO HOW ABOUT WE PUT A LITTLE BIT

OF SNOW TO GET US IN THE HOLIDAY

MOOD?

AH, COME ON.

DON'T BE STINGY WITH THE SNOW.

ALL RIGHT?

HERE IT IS.

THAT IS TOO MUCH!

THAT IS TOO MUCH!

I'LL TAKE IT.

YOU KNOW, THE HOLIDAYS ARE

ALWAYS SENTIMENTAL FOR ME.

THERE'S THE CLASSIC PAIRINGS.

COOKIES AND MILK.

HAM AND GLAZE.

AND EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE.

MOUTH HORN AND A PIANO DUET.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I SHOULD HAVE ASKED SANTA NOR A

PIANO -- BUT WAIT A MINUTE.

LOOKS LIKE I JUST GOT MY WISH.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL, MY

FAVORITE SONG WAS -- OKAY, STOP.

STOP.

STOP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

STOP, STOP, STOP.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

>> YES.

>> NO, NO.

NO!

WHY DON'T YOU JUST STOP?

>> I NEED TO HIT MY MARK.

>> YOU ARE WAY OVER YOUR MARK.

>> I'M SORRY, YEP.

BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK.

>> NO, NO, COME ON, NO MORE.

>> OKAY, I'M GOING TO SET IT IN

PLACE, WATCH YOUR FINGERS, OKAY?

>> OW, STOP!

>> SORRY, BYE.

>> YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS.

>> NONSENSE, MELISSA McCARTHY,

COME ON.

>> HI, SANTA KENAN.

>> JUST KENAN IS FINE.

YOU HAVEN'T RUINED ANYTHING,

EVERYONE HERE LOVES YOU.

WHY DON'T WE DO ONE OF YOUR

FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS?

>> YOU WANT ME TO SING?

>> NO, I WANT YOU TO BLOW.

THAT SWEET, SWEET HORN.

* CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS *

**

* CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS *

**

* CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS *

COME ON!

STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT

BACK!

* CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS *

**

Oh. Hi, folks.

Can I
interest you in a free sample?

Oh, don't mind
if I do. Babe. Shall we?

Yes, indeed. Now, what is this?

We just got it in.

It's called Rocky Lake raclette.

It's a goat cheese from Maine.

Really good.

Thank you. Yeah,
we'll definitely think about it.

I'll be here.

Okay.

Oh. Hello, ma'am.

Can I interest you in a sample?

Are you speaking me?

I am, I've got a beautiful
semi-soft goat cheese.

If you'd like to try it,
it's free.

Free for me?

Okay, well,
I don't know. I don't.

I don't know what to say.

Nobody's ever done anything
like this for me before.

Well, it's my job

here.

Give it a try.

Here.

I just I feel bad, I.

I mean,
I don't have anything for you

that you've given me.

You don't
have to give me anything.

Just enjoy the sample
and have a great day. Oh.

You know what I.

I will.

Because of you.

Okay, great.

Awesome. So, am I seeing you?

Everything is a free sample.

Yes, sir.

This is a wash rind goat cheese
all the way from Maine.

Nice. Is it washed? Right? Yeah.

Probably better than a dirty,
right? Right.

We're turning right. Okay.

There you go.

Hey. I'm sorry I had to.

I had to come back because I.

I just I can't not repay
your kindness, so I it.

I have to give you something.

I want you to take this ring.

This is my mother's.

I mean, I'm
not my biological mother,

you know, because
I was abandoned in infancy.

But this belonged.

This belonged to,
the woman that was my foster

mother who was,
you know, my mom to me.

I just really couldn't
look at it, you know?

It's. Yeah.

You know,
I think there's a new game,

and she, you know, anyway,

she was always like,
yeah, I'm not your mother.

I'm not your foster mother.

Stop telling people that I'm
your mother, and I don't.

I'm not telling anyone
that you're my mother.

Because if you don't
let me go to school,

I don't even want to talk
to you.

Mom's right.

Yeah, right.

What are you going to do
with mom? Yeah.

Free samples.

You can try it.

It's a delicious goat cheese.

She's got.

Wow. Sorry,
but sorry about that.

But, I'm just wondering if.

If I may express my

thanks to you physically.

May I give you a hug?

Sure.

You know,
but then you got to go. Okay.

Okay. Yeah.

I'm just anticipating.

Let's.

Well.

Yes or no? I'm.

from the generous hug
I've ever had.

I mean, like, and not just
because it's my first hug was.

It was. It's just.

It's really good. Hi, ma'am.

Do you have a dog tied
up in the front of the store?

You got
to be more specific than that.

Okay.

Do you have six dogs
tied up outside?

Let's see. Four. Five. Six.

Yeah, those are mine.

Okay, well, they're barking
at people of color

and one bit the Salvation
Army bell ringer.

So could you please
go attend to them?

Well, you know what?

Why don't you just write?

Why don't you just untie them
and then let them know?

Let me write.

Because they've become a drain
to us and our finances

and just a burden to us.

So I don't know her.
I don't know. Yeah.

You want me to untie your dogs
and let them run away?

I don't know you.

You don't keep.
What did you say?

I said I don't know what
he said, but

take their collars off so they
can't be brought back to us.

I'm not going to do that.

So please attend to your dogs.

Okay?

Okay. All right.

Well, yes. Duty calls.

But before I go, I.

I just really wanted
to repay your

kindness.

Wait.

>>> LENDING A HELPING HAND IS

THE REAL CHRISTMAS GIFT.

**

**

**

>> THANK YOU.

>> YO, WHAT'S UP, LITTLE MAN?

YOU DID A SNOWMAN?

THAT'S COOL, BRO.

GIVE ME SOME.

PSYCH, BOY!

LOSER!

**

**

**

**

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OHIO, WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

SOMEBODY HELP ME!

OH, MY GOD.

COME ON!

YO!

[ LAUGHTER ]

**

>> YOU'RE WELCOME.

**

>> "A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOUR

NEXT SNOWBALL FIGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HEY, BUDDY, WHAT YOU GOT

THERE?

OH, IS THAT A NERF?

WOW, THIS IS HEAVY -- JESUS!

IT'S A REAL GUN!

WHO GAVE THIS TO YOU?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS JUST

HERE.

>> GO INSIDE, TEDDY, PLEASE.

>> HI, LOIS.

>> HI!

>> CAN I HELP YOU?

>> WE'RE HERE FOR TEDDY.

>> WE WERE TOLD TO MAKE HIM FEEL

SPECIAL.

>> I THINK THERE'S BEEN SOME

SORT OF MISTAKE.

TEDDY IS MY 12-YEAR-OLD SON.

>> WHAT?

>> OH.

NO.

>> SORRY ABOUT THAT.

HAVE A GOOD ONE.

>> BUT -- BUT -- BUT -- BUT --

WHY WE CLOSING THE DOOR ON THESE

BEAUTIFUL LADIES WHEN WE STILL

GOT SOME BUSINESS TO CONDUCT,

JACK?

>> UH -- OF COURSE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH CASH I

HAVE ON ME.

>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

WE CAN HEAT THE ATM UP.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M GOING

TO DRIVE, HOW ABOUT THAT?

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE YOURSELF

COMFORTABLE?

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> DO YOU HAVE A BATHROOM?

>> IS THAT YOUR MOTHER?

HI!

**

**

>> OFFICER, HI.

>> SORRY TO DISTURB YOU.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE LAST TIME

YOU SAW YOUR NEIGHBOR FROM

ACROSS THE STREET?

>> NO, WE DIDN'T REALLY KNOW

HER.

WHY, WHAT HAPPENED?

DID SHE PASS AWAY?

>> NO, HER MOTHER DID, THOUGH.

SIX YEARS AGO.

WE JUST FOUND HER BODY

DECOMPOSED INTO THE COUCH.

>> JESUS.

>> WE STILL THINK THE SICKO IS

IN THE AREA, SO IF YOU SEE HER,

GIVE US A CALL IMMEDIATELY.

OH, NICE SNOWMAN, BY THE WAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OFFICER, I SAW HER.

>> REALLY?

>> SHE WENT THAT WAY.

>> SUSPECT SEEN HEADING

EASTBOUND TOWARDS MAPLE.

**

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Hi. I'm,

Donna fonda, I'm
sure to come to find you guys.

You folks?

Yes. Have a seat, Donna.

Right here. Right.

It's a lot nicer
than the inside of my trunk.

Yes, it's a little different.

Donna, I'm Carol Shaw.

Carol. Hello.

This is Ed Burke. Yeah.

Okay. Oh, okay.

Oh, great.

All right.

We're here from U.P.S.

personnel management.

We called you in
because we received

some complaints
from a customer on your route.

You know that's impossible.

Y'all take care.

No, Donna, don't get up.

No! On it.

We're not done.

We'll tell you when we're done.
Yeah.

Have a seat.

The customer provided
video evidence

from their doorbell camera

that we would like to share
with you.

Okay,
so just look right here, Donna.

and rich people in your pavers.

Fix your porch.

All right.

You care to explain that, Don?

You know,

I'll be honest.

I was about to use my old stand

by trick
and pretend to to faint, but,

I'm going to.

I'm going to own my mistake.

I messed up, and I'm sorry.

Won't happen again.

And you'll take you.

Way to come back.

Come back.

Because it did happen again.

I don't know,
that's not impossible.

It's very possible.

A few days later,
at the same home,

after placing a package
on their doorstep.

You did this?

People's elbow. Oh.

Yeah.

Oh. It's cashmere.

Oh, that was that.

Oh. No.

Donna,

we know Donna.

Stop pretending to faint.

You're
pushing yourself out the door.

What are you doing, Donna?

If you fainted,
how can you do that? Donna!

Come back!

Donna! Donna!

Come on.

Donna, don't go out the door.

Donna! Come back!

Come on, you fool!

I just, fainted.
You didn't feel.

You didn't faint.
This is serious.

You broke the law.

I broke the law. Come, Ed.

Come on.

She's a go outside.

She's a very good at this.

I'm not going outside, Donna.

And actually, I'm Ed Superior.

And you broke a few laws,
actually,

because you came back later
and you were quite busy working.

Now, look at that

look.

Dumping out the trash
like psycho.

I mean,
I know you're not recycling.

Look at this.

Destroying
a flower pot and gardening.

And you put a life
back in their house.

Something that was an excuse

handled.

It was not a bat rescue.

Bat rescue.

Well,
you know, it was a while ago.

Okay, it's out of my system now,
and I've moved on.

Okay, well,
this video is from yesterday.

It's.

Oh, look at that.

I mean, come on.

I could be doing anything.

No, I mean, it's not my fault,
okay?

I'm a human being.

I had to go,
and I couldn't hold it.

Donna, you squatted
for 45 minutes before you.

Want to see this stone?

And look at that shame.

People do not look at their

don'ts tonight.

You stayed there till the night
time, Donna,

close your eyes
and shove in deep.

You can trust it. Video.

Do you have anything in writing?

I'd like to see
the complete in the flesh.

This is a sworn statement, and
it is notarized by the police.

This is the official
statement? Yes.

Donna, no.

Donna, stop!

Donna! Donna!

Give me that.

Donna! Get her! Don't!

I got her back.

I'm not Donna! Donna! Come back!

Stop to come back
and give me the paper.

Donna! Give me the paper! Donna.

Donna!

Spit it out!

Donna! Be an adult.

Donna stole it out.

Donna.

Donna.

Oh, Donna.

Come on.

Spit it out!

Come on.

Donna. Got.

That was obscene.

Donna. So that's it, right?

That's it for me.

You're going to fire me after
I've given this company to my 17

days of my life.

Don, you showed no remorse
for destroying property

and displayed an open disdain
for customers.

Okay,
you do not belong in a U.P.S.

truck.

Well, then where do I belong?

The United States Postal Service
is now hiring for the holiday.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DIJON!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

**

**

**

* MOVING HIGH HIGHER

KEEP IT MOVING HIGH

HIGHER *

* OHH OHH OHH *

* GOTTA SAY GOTTA SAY

WATCHING YOU BLOW UP

PATTERN MADE PATTERN MADE *

* KICK YA HEEL ON UP

'CAUSE YOU IS A SHOO-IN

SAID YOU ARE NOT TIMID

GET YOUR HANDS ON UP *

* MAKE IT LOOK EASY *

IT'S TEE-BALL NOW

SO JUST TEE IT ON UP *

* AND MAKE IT FEEL LIKE

IT'S CHEATING

CH-CH-CH-CHEATING *

* WELL IT'S SO EASY

LIKE A FROWN DOWN UP

OR A GALLOP *

* JUST STAY IN MY VIEW

MY LOVE

'CAUSE YOU BRING IT ALL

HIGHER *

* TURN IT IN AND WATCH IT ALL

PILE UP *

* IT'S A GALLON STACKING

STACKING ON YOU ONE TIME *

* SO YOU BRING THE LOVE

HIGHER *

* EASY

THAT'S TWO TIMES *

* IT'S HEALING ME

'CAUSE THIS IS A LOVE

HIGHER *

* WELL IT'S A MIRACLE

YOU KNOW MY LOVE *

* AIN'T IT OBVIOUS

HA

HE GETS UP

I'LL TAP RIGHT IN *

* SO SOMEBODY ELSE

GETS TIRED

WELL WHO WAS RUNNING

LIKE A STALLION *

* GIDDY UP

LIKE EEH

AND HAD A HEART

LIKE A VAULT MY LOVE *

* BUT LOOK WHO GETS THE KEYS

HIGHER *

* AND OH BABY

I KNOW MY LIFE

IT COULD KILL ME *

* AND IT'S THE THIRST

THAT'S DOING MY ASS

BUT WHEN YOU REALLY LOVE

IT'S EASY *

* SEE I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TIE

MY TIES TIGHT

AROUND MY NECK *

* AND DOUBLE LOVE IT

WHEN YOU'RE ALL DOLLED UP

YOU'LL GET IT BAD

HIGHER *

* WELL THAT'S UH

WELL THAT'S UH

I WANT TO SAY WHAT

GETS YOU ALL TURNED OUT *

* IS THAT TOO MUCH

JUST TOUCH AND TEASE

AND LET IT ALL WORK OUT

'TIL YOU RING THE BELL *

* HIGHER

I GOTTA TELL YOU

THAT I OWE MY LOVE

SEE THAT'S OBVIOUS *

* AND YOU'LL BE PROUD

OF HOW IT ALL TURNS OUT *

* HONEY

WE ARE THE BAND

HIGHER *

* SHOWING UP ON DOORWAY

HONEY *

* COULD THAT BE BAD

HIGHER

HIGHER *

* THERE'S SOMEONE KNOCKIN'

ON THE DOORWAY *

* COULD THAT BE BAD

HIGHER

HIGHER *

* WELL THAT'S EASY

IT'S TWO TIMES

STILL HEALING ME *

* 'CAUSE THIS IS A LOVE

HIGHER *

**

* YEAH

THIS IS A LOVE HIGHER *

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update

with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good evening.
Good evening everyone.

Welcome to weekend update I'm
Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost. Well.

President trump
president Trump has not yet

won the Nobel Peace Prize,
but this week he did win

the equally prestigious soccer
Peace Prize

and yesterday's World Cup draw.

FIFA actually invented a fake
peace prize in Trump's honor.

And that's why the trophy shows
Trump's gnarled hands

dragging the entire Earth
into hell.

The World Cup draw was held

Friday, and team
USA will first face Paraguay.

The US team is heavily
favored to beat Paraguay

with the help of their star
players. Ice.

On Monday night, President Trump
made hundreds of posts

on Truth Social,

including conspiracy
theories, attacks on Democrats

and even a video of his cameo
in Home Alone two,

which I hadn't seen in a while.

And I have to say, the dialog,
it hits different.

Now check it out.

Excuse
me, where is Jeffrey Epstein.

Down the hall and to the left.

Well, it was there all along.

President
Trump said that he will soon

release the results of his MRI
tests from October.

He just needs a little more time
to write of genius.

After the word stroke.

The publisher of the beloved
children's book,

Franklin the Turtle, condemned
Pete Hegseth

for using the character in
a post about drug boat attacks.

Worse, if you zoom
in, you'll see

Franklin is shooting at Dora.

House Democrats
this week released

pictures of Jeffrey Epstein's
private island home.

And honestly, it's
not as nice as I remember.

I think definitely

the craziest
detail of these photos was that

there was one room
with just a dentist's

chair in it,
and then we saw this,

which seems very weird,
but keep in mind

a lot of his
girlfriend still had braces.

Oh, you think the

victim should have crooked
teeth?

What?

Head of Homeland
Security Kristy Noem, seen here

watching the end of Marley
and Me.

Kristi Noem

celebrated her birthday last
week at a Mexican restaurant

where she enjoyed her
favorite food line.

Cook, spit.

First lady
Melania Trump has unveiled the

theme of this year's white House
Christmas decorations.

Jackhammers.

Republican women
are privately blaming speaker

Mike Johnson for no women
being elected chairs of House

committees,

but Johnson claims he's just
following legal precedent set

in the landmark
case of Brazil votes.

It was announced Friday
that Netflix is buying Warner

Brothers Discovery
for $82 billion, which explains

why Netflix just raised
its monthly plan to $50

million.

Officials
have for the first time

approved building
casinos in New York City,

including one in the Bronx,
because, let's be honest,

every visit
to the Bronx is a gamble.

That I'm glad you said it.

Studies show.

Studies show that a short trip

to a warmer climate can help
fend off seasonal depression.

Here,
to give his tropical travel

tips is Lance, a redhead
who just went on vacation.

This couple.

So you can start

to take a look at what?

How are you, my friend?

For as the locals would say,
Wagwan!

Ha! Oh! Ha!

Oh my God, Lance,
I think I think he got

a little sunburned on your trip.

Good.

I, I did get
a little kiss of color.

And that color is, of course,
hell, red.

Fun fact I'm the same shade

as a dog's erect member.

Oh, thanks.

It's a great visual.

So, Lance, do you have any
travel tips you'd like to share?

To share?

I do, from two to Kona
all the way to Bora Bora.

Several places are the beach.

But when thinking of the thing
that fills

your suitcase, perhaps consider
a bottle of that white lotion.

We so loved the world.

I need to go to a hospital.

Yeah. Should we be worried?

It just sounds like
you might have sun poisoning.

Oh, come on, I definitely do.

But trust me, brother, I'm
feeling 110%

degrees. Mr..

Brown, the dancing is good.

It's good. Right?
It's in France.

Hey, look,
now I have a new party trick.

Check this out.

This is a fully frozen
TV dinner.

Ready?

Fully cooked.

Wow, that's.
That's really great.

Well, let's just let's
just keep it on track.

Where did you go
on vacation? Jamaica.

Close, man.

It was Ireland.

How did you get that
sunburn in Ireland?

Dude, that's the crazy part.

I got it on the plane.

I fell asleep with my

overhead reading light on.

Some stuff doing that.

I'm sorry.

And look, I mean,
if you think my face is bad,

my body got it even worse.

Oh, God. Oh, what?

Why were you wearing
a bikini top?

Because usually I'm too
shy about my body.

But I finally worked up
the courage to wear a two piece.

Well, you know, my body is t.

What's that? What?

Yeah, I was
I think you were saying.

Look, Lance, I'm. I'm really.

I'm really starting
to get concerned, okay?

About your tan.
As you should be, man.

You look whiter than the house.

You're not.

You're not even making sense.

Then I'll do the only thing left
that does make any sense.

Bring out an all redheaded
children's choir.

Please
welcome the ginger singer.

Welcome

to this holiday season
at the ginger in your life.

What they truly need. Love.

And some damn sunscreen. 000.

A redhead
who just went on a vacation.

Long ago.

I for us.

Get out!

What is wrong with you?

7-Eleven is now selling
the popular Japanese style egg

salad sandwich,
which is just a regular egg

salad sandwich
with very strict parents.

A new study

finds that the best city

in the country for retirees
is Orlando, Florida,

while the worst city
for retirees is slippery bathtub

Wisconsin.

A growing number of studies
show that watching

short form videos can lead
to mental cognition problems.

So if you're watching this
on TikTok, do.

Today.

Today marks the 141st

anniversary of the completion
of the Washington Monument,

which was finally finished
when they cut off the foreskin.

Do you get it?

Yeah,
you get the head of the thinker.

Columbia Sportswear
has introduced

a new line of Star Wars
based rain ponchos,

like the ones worn by the rebels
in return of the Jedi.

Guaranteed
to keep you and all women dry

as hell.

I like that like a new train
simulator video

game has launched
that lets players

operate a new Jersey
transit train

under realistic conditions,
conditions like transporting

thousands of idiots to New York
to stare at a goddamn tree.

Thank you.

Yeah.

This week, a raccoon went viral
after it broke into a liquor

store in Virginia, smashed open
bottles of alcohol, got drunk

and passed out in the bathroom.

Here to explain their actions
is that drunk crack became a.

God. Oh, God.

Charlie,
what happened last night?

We hooked up.

No, we didn't hook up. No.

Are you sure? Yes.

We could do it right now. Hey,

you like what you see?

Oh, God. Oh!

Oh my God, are you okay?

Okay.

I'm okay. You.

Listen.

I think you stop. Relax.

I think you have a serious
drinking problem.

Yeah, the problem

being a can't get drunk
in a bathroom without people

taking pictures of me
face down, ass up

front.

You know what they say, Colin,
dress for the job you want.

Poor.

Car. Oh, pull yourself up.

Get your precious alcohol.

Pull yourself together, drunk.

Crack. You're on TV.

I know, I know, they never see
positive reputation

representation. Hey.

You know,

positive representations
of raccoons in the media.

The only thing
you'll see of us on

the screen is us
in a ring camera like this.

Who's who? Who?

Hold on, hold on.

There's positive representation.

I mean, doesn't Bradley Cooper

play a raccoon
in Guardians of the Galaxy?

Oh, I wouldn't know.
I've never seen it.

I'm not a virgin.

I kind of like the
when you call.

And I think it's cool that
you know that stuff like that.

Yeah. I'm starving.

Should we DoorDash something
like tin cans or Apple?

Cause.

Oh, you know, it's actually good
that you wouldn't think

is good poop.

I'm sad. That's disgusting.

Quiet, piggy.

You're right.

Okay. Sorry.

False alarm came out the other

day. Hey,
you gonna eat that whale?

What? Those are my jokes.

I thought raccoons only eat
trash.

Hey, Zach, I can't exactly okay.

Right.

You know what?

You know what? That's

time.

That's actually really mean.

Listen, fat, I know,

I know how disgusting
you think we raccoons are.

We here when you call us trash
pandas?

Dumpster dogs.

The Sarah
Sherman's of the forest.

Come on.

You're not nearly as hairy
as there is trash.

Listen, I just really hope
you get the help you need.

And I hope I don't get rabies.

Rabies?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding,
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Rabies is the last thing

you need to worry
about getting from you.

Okay?

All right, come on, Colin,
let's go back to my dumpster,

and I'll ride your head
like a Davy Crockett hat,

a drunk raccoon.

Everyone.

Weekend update I'm
Colin Jost

I'm Michael Che
Goodnight!

Okay,
Lucy, the kid party is upstairs,

so you can head up there
with your sleeping bag.

Unless you'd rather
hang with the moms.

Okay. Thanks, Mrs. Connolly.

Oh, she hopes you.

Oh. She's great.

Well, cheers.

So good to hang with you.

And I can't wait to try
these snacks outside.

Only.

Oh. So,
what do y'all think the girls

are getting up to upstairs?

Oh, I bet they're playing
Truth or Dare.

You know what? Now get this.

I have never played
truth or dare.

You never.

Me neither. Well,
here's an idea.

How about we play right now?
Oh my God.

Yes. I'll start. Okay, Chris.

Truth or dare? Oh, gosh.
Okay. Truth.

How was your Thanksgiving?

Yeah, it was lovely.

Oh, it was.

Oh. How do one. I'll do one.

And truth or dare?

Truth.

How do you like driving
your Toyota Tacoma?

Well, I like write for Costco.

Right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Okay.

My turn. Chris.

Truth or dare?

Oh, truth.

I can't make up my mind.

Okay. Is this step manager yoga?

It's both.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Okay. I'll go.

Patricia. Truth or dare?

Okay. Truth actually. Dare.

Would you like to go
to the bathroom and kiss?

No. No.

Oh, okay.

We're doing it.

Well, I gotta say, I think this
game is interesting and fun.

Yeah,
I was thinking the same thing.

Oh, look at that. There.

Come on.

Oh, well, I hate y'all.

How was your dare?

It was nice.

Oh, that was nice.

Okay, well, let's keep going.

Susan. Truth or dare? Truth.

Okay.

Why does your husband go
by the nickname Kip?

Yeah, he won't tell me. Oh,

okay. And truth or dare.

Truth. How was wicked? For good.

Amazing. Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I'll go. Lisa. Truth or dare?
Dare.

Would you like to go
into the pantry

and reveal our breast? Yes.

This game is fascinating.

I'm learning
so much about everybody.

Me too.

Totally agree, I mean.

Oh, I can't believe
I never played before.

We're pretty good at it.

I keep wondering, are
we supposed to be keeping score?

Oh, no no no, no,
I think everybody wins.

Kind of free flowing.
Yes, it's free flow.

Oh, I think they're back.

Oh. How'd it go?

I liked it.

It was okay. Nice.

Okay. All right, give me one.

Okay.
Chris. Truth or dare? Truth.

How do you send a photo
in a text?

I don't care.

Yeah. Yeah.

I can't do it.

All right,
let's keep this going. Patricia.

What time is it? 715.

Oh thank you.

Okay.

And and dare.

Would you like to go in the cour

I'd like that very much.

Sorry about that.

What are these.

Oh, they're cash,
you know. Yeah.

Not yet.

I've never had enough yet.

Oh. How was your dare?

Oh, ten out of ten.

No no no no.

We have covered a lot of ground
here.

Do people
feel like they need a break?

No no no no no.

Then, Patricia. Truth.

What's your Spotify age? 210.

Oh, okay.

And since then.

Damn.

Would you like to go into
the yard and choke me sexually?

Yes. That's a good dare.

We should play this again
tomorrow, right?

Yeah.

I'll bring my husband. No.

Oh my God.

Oh, wow.

You guys, this is just been such
a lovely evening.

I don't want it to end. Oh.

Me either.

Yeah.
This has been a delight, Mark.

And I always love
having you guys over.

Yes. This has been amazing.

Yes. Guys

like crazy.

Should we do this, like,
every Sunday?

So, what do you mean?

Bless us every Sunday, right?

Dinner.

Us Sunday.

Supper every Sunday.

Sunday supper. Right.

But still every week.

Sunday supper.

Well, that be nice,
but we'd have to get a sitter.

No way.

Babe, those teens drive a hard
bargain.

Totally.

No. Oh, yeah.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Plus, we we usually do dinner
with my parents on Sundays.

How are your parents?

Right. Totally.

You got to do that.
Yeah. It just.

It wouldn't work. Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

I just got excited
about Sunday supper.

Yeah, like it wouldn't
work, right?

People have lives. Mark.

Where?

I'm sorry.

Seriously, guys?

No. Don't worry.

It's fine.

It's.

You okay? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, he's.

He's fine.

He's just,
you know, he gets himself

worked up about Sunday
supper, is all he.

He seemed really heartbroken.
Oh, no. No, no.

It'll be. He'll be fine.
He's a tough little guy.

I have an announcement.

I am running away.

I'm sorry.

What's happening?

What's happening
is I'm running away.

Denise.

I'm running away
and never coming back

because I'm embarrassed.

I got too excited
about Sunday supper

and no one else wanted to do
Sunday supper.

Mark,
you had to run away for that.

Mark. Yeah.
Yeah, Mark. It's fine.

We're all having
a really nice time still.

Yeah, yeah,
tonight's been been great.

So then we'll do it.

We'll do Sunday supper.

I'm sorry.

We just can't really.

Oh. Ha ha ha. No.

Look what you've done.

You've been too rough
with your things, Mark.

Oh, dude, what did you pack?

It's.

It's everything
from his dress up box.

He has a dress up,
but it's not what you think.

It's to play make believe.

I have
never seen Mark like this.

Has he ever run away before?

You know, and last week
he was ordering pizza

and he said,

I love you
to the guy in the phone

who got so embarrassed
that night

trying to help a freight train.

And he got scared because
somebody offered him crack.

Well, maybe we can do it
a different day.

Can we do Saturday supper?

Our son has basketball.

No, ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma.

You keep a jug of gasoline
behind your couch.

Stop and stop drinking gasoline.

Yeah,
maybe we could do something

that's less of a commitment.

How about breakfast here
every morning at 6 a.m.?

Feels like more of a commitment,
Ma. How?

Ma ma ma Ma Ma.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,

I gotta go.

No, you can't leave me.

Come on.

I don't belong in this world,
sugar.

Belong out there

on the tracks.

Where will you go?

What do you do?

I'm a friend.

A large, simple man.

And at the end of the story,

I'll shoot him
in the back of the head.

But it will be
the right thing to do.

Because he has rabies.

I think you got your references
mixed up there, Mark.

I'll always love you.

But now I got to go
because I'm embarrassed.

I got too excited
for Sunday supper

and nobody else wanted to do
Sunday supper.

Goodbye. Wow.

You guys think
we'll ever see him again?

I don't know.

Because he is a burden
on my life.

His lungs out there are free.

So when the tracks.

The neighbor's dog was

outside and I got scared.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, DIJON!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

**

* WHEN YOU'RE HOT

IT'S ON

ALREADY GOT ONE

LET'S KEEP GOING *

* HOWEVER YOU WANT IT

I'M YOURS

THAT'S ON TOP OR ALL FOURS

OOH HONEY YA NASTY *

* 'CAUSE BABY WE GOT

ALL WE NEED TO EXPAND

THIS COLLECTION

YOU MY BABY *

* AND BABY

YOU LOOK GOOD TO ME *

* YOU DEMAND MY ATTENTION

SO GIMME ATTENTION

WHEN I'M AT ATTENTION *

**

* ALL NIGHT

IT'S ALL YOU WANT *

* I MEAN WE TALK AND TALK

WE TALK AND TALK

IT AIN'T NO FUN

IT AIN'T NO FUN *

**

* 'CAUSE BABY WE GOT

ALL WE NEED TO EXPAND

THIS COLLECTION *

* AND BABY

AND DANCE

'CAUSE YOU'RE MY BABY

BABY YOU LOOK GOOD TO ME *

* YOU DEMAND MY ATTENTION

SO GIMME ATTENTION

WHEN I'M AT ATTENTION *

* ALL NIGHT

A LITTLE LOVE

AND AFFECTION

MY 'LIL MOTHER INVENTION *

* I MIGHT MAKE THE HUMAN

CONNECTION

A LITTLE

"U + ME" CONNECTION *

* LET'S MAKE A BABY

LET'S MAKE A BABY

I'M READY BABY

LET'S MAKE A BABY *

* WELL IT'S TIME

ALL WE NEED TO EXPAND

THIS COLLECTION

YOU LOOKING GOOD *

* AND BABY

YOU LOOK GOOD TO ME

YOU DEMAND MY ATTENTION

SO GIMME ATTENTION *

* LET'S MAKE AN ADDITION

BABY

LET'S MAKE AN ADDITION

BABY *

* LET'S MAKE AN ADDITION

BABY

YEAH LET'S MAKE AN ADDITION

BABY *

* MAKE AN ADDITION BABY

LET'S MAKE AN ADDITION

BABY

YEAH MAKE AN ADDITION BABY *

* LET'S MAKE AN ADDITION BABY **

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

**

>>> MY GORGEOUS NIECES, HAPPY

HOLIDAYS!

>> AUNT MARGE!

>> HELLO.

>> YOUR COUSINS ARE SO EXCITED

TO SEE YOU.

>> COUSIN TIME!

>> I LOVE COUSINS.

* I HANG WITH MY COUSINS FOR THE

HOLIDAY *

* MAKE YOU REPLAY *

* I'M WATCHING KITCHEN FIRE ON

THE TELLY *

* FEELING ALL RIGHT SIPPING

MARTINELLI *

* FIRST TIME SOMETHING OCCURRED

TO ME *

* THEY TELL ME EVERY TIME I SEE

THEM DON'T KNOW *

* AFTER THEY LEAVE WHERE DO

COUSINS GO *

>> BYE, DRIVE SAFE, YOU GUYS.

>> AND HAVE FUN AND --

>> WHERE DO COUSINS GO THE REST

OF THE YEAR?

>> UH --

* THEY GO TO THE COUSIN PLANET *

* WHERE EVERY COUSIN LIVES 360

DAYS A YEAR *

* THEY TAKE A ROCKET TO THE

COUSINLANET *

* EVERY DAY ON COUSIN PLANET IS

THE SAME *

* FIRST THING IN THE MORNING EAT

SOME LEFTOVER HAM *

* WALK BACKWARDS ON THE

TREADMILL IN PAJAMA PANTS *

* JAM FOR FIVE HOURS WEIRD NAP *

* TRY TO SMOKE WEED WITH OUR

COUSIN WHO IS COOL *

* GET KIND OF HUNGRY TRY TO WALK

THROUGH A DRIVE-THRU *

* DOESN'T WORK *

* A FAMILY SECRET IS REVEALED *

* GRANDPA HAD A MISTRESS *

* WHO'S THE MAYOR *

* I AM THE MAYOR OF COUSIN

PLANET *

* AND EVERY CONVERSATION IS

CATCHING UP *

* HEAR YE COUSINS LOOKING UP *

* AND SANTA CLAUS IS THE FIRST

COUSIN USE YOUR DISCRETION *

* A COUSIN IS A DAUGHTER A

COUSIN IS A SON OF THE UNCLE OF

YOU *

* A COUSIN IS FIRST TO SLEEP ON

THE COUCH *

* A COUSIN IS ME AND A COUSIN IS

YOU *

* ON THE COWS SIN PLANET COUSIN

PLANET *

* COUSIN LAND COUSIN LAND *

* GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR MASTER'S

AND WHATEVER YOU'RE STUDYING

IN *

* COUSIN PLANET COUSIN PLANET *

* COUSIN PLANET COUSIN PLANET *

* IT'S A COUSIN PLANET *

Season's greetings, folks.

If you've driven on Warburton

Avenue in Yonkers,
you've probably seen

this gorgeous glow

coming from this extraordinary
decorated home.

Here with me today is the couple
responsible for all the magic.

It's Christopher and Guion. Hi.

I guess it's happened,
you know, put the camera down.

Okay, so tell us,

what does it take
to put together

the biggest Christmas village
in Yonkers?

Well, might not happen this year
because you're not feeling

the Christmas spirit,
but maybe I catch a second wind.

I don't know.

Well, you.

Certainly I will catch you in

when you best cast
under our duvet.

Is it true?

Well,
I'd love to learn a little bit

about some of your favorite
items in the collection.

Well, first we have our minion
nativity scene.

FA la la la la la. Banana.

And then
we have one of my favorites.

We have oh my gosh.

Fashion Jesus.

He died on the cross
for our sins.

And I am dying for this look.

And next up
we have a gingerbread apartment

building.
It's a five story walk up.

There's a two bedroom, no bath.

We're gingerbread slumlords,

and we've just injected
a gingerbread immigrant family.

I'm. I'm sorry.

Over and over again.

Okay. Yes.

Here, I will show you this.

Look at this.

Have you seen my snow babies?
Look at you to hold them, right?

You'll get a Polaroid
in his neck and cradle.

You get a hold him like this

because his brain
is still developing.

Someone's brain is central.

How much of the
you know what you own?

Man over a woman at the Arby's
drive through yesterday.

That is not true.

I did not run her over.

I lightly tapped over
the bottom of my car.

I get spread,

you know, you two have such
wonderful rapport.

We've got more.

Gotta be an interesting story
behind how you met Tim.

Oh, well, I guess, we met on
since, which was a dating app

for people who have been burned
by past or current.

So he, Well.

Wow. And,

what is it like being gay with
being a gay couple in this town?

Gay town?

I am a woman,

and, yeah, is a village.

Coming out of nowhere
and coming in.

No, no.

I'm not coming out.

My apologies. Explain.

What area
is this coming out of Dallas?

Just get back to your display.

Oh. When did you start
collecting Christmas decor?

Well, it's not just Christmas.

You skipped right over
the menorah corner, right?

And the Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa? Yeah,

well, it sounds like there's

a little something
for everyone at this house.

Oh, that reminds me.

Speaking of little,

this is a limited edition
snow baby tree top.

And the fun fact is,
the snow baby was pre me.

So he has the Benjamin Button
scissors.

Yes, yes.

And last but certainly not
least, it's a figurine

of Rudolph
exploring himself sexually.

Isn't it wonderful?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Rudolph
can hook up with us third.

But I can tell you that one
can't come from Yonkers.

I'm ribbed con-dom and

I know producers told me
to stop saying my name, but

my mother named me, so I'm going
to say it, ribbed con0dom. Oh.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> THANK YOU, DIJON, THANK YOU

"SNL," THANK YOU!

I LOVE YOU.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!

WHOO!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**