All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S51E06.Glen.Powell.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

You're watching C-Span.

Thank you.

We take you now
to the white House daily

briefing, where Press Secretary
Caroline Leavitt is about.

To have a. Day.

I am just.

So excited to be here and answer
your friendly questions.

As you all know,
there was no news this week.

Nothing happening
with the president.

No weird information
was revealed.

No one had any accusations
that rhyme with pedophile.

So I'll open the floor to
questions, starting with Kaitlan

Collins from CNN,
who I openly hate.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Well, I think we

definitely need to start
with the 20,000 Epstein emails.

Why does President Trump's
name appear in so many of them?

You know, you suck, right?

Trump has asked the DOJ
to investigate

Democrats ties to Epstein, but
is anyone investigating Trump?

Look, the only thing these
emails prove is that President

Trump did nothing wrong.

If anything, his crime
was loving too much

and possibly too young.

Now let's
get a relevant question.

Fox news

unnamed black guy.

Fox News.

Is President Trump too healthy?

Thank you.

And yes,

he got his 30th physical
last week and it went great.

He took a cognitive test
and did so well.

They said, we'd like to see you
again as soon as possible.

Yes, MSNBC. Go ahead.

Yeah.

Are you not worried
about the optics of Trump

giving Epstein's partner

in crime, Ghilane Maxwell,
a sweetheart deal?

Hey, Ghilane Maxwell said

in the sworn deposition
she gave to Trump's friend

that Trump always acted
like a gentleman.

And a little thing about me.

I believe women.

Now, seriously,

can we please
move off the topic of Epstein?

Sure.

Is it true
the administration secretly

sent $840 million to Argentina
to pay off their debts?

We should return to Epstein.

I'm sorry,
but even Trump's biggest

supporters think that he should
release the Epstein files.

What does Trump have to hide?

I could answer that.

I am hiding almost nothing.

Just enough to make.

Just enough
to make it extremely suspicious.

But let me ask you a question.

If there was something
incriminating about me

in the files,
then why would I cover them up?

Wait,

isn't that exactly
why you would cover them up?

Okay, let me go again.

If I was innocent, wouldn't
I just release all the file?

Yes. Again.

I think you're agreeing
with what everyone is saying.

Okay, third time's a charm.

Jeffrey Epstein,
I barely knew the guy.

Okay?

As evidenced by the thousands
of pictures of us together

dancing and grinding our teeth
at various parties,

always leering and pointing
at something just off camera.

Probably
a book we're excited to read.

Okay,
what about the specific email

where Epstein said that Trump
was the dog that hasn't barked?

Okay, okay, okay.

First of all,
all right, I'm not a dog.

I'm not a dog.

I'm more of a cub
or possibly an otter.

Definitely not a twink.

I think that's clear a
to bright, maybe dog.

You know, gays have words
for everything, right, Kiki?

We like to say Kiki.

It means talking.

Second, I thought Megan Kelly
made a terrific point this week.

She said
Epstein's not a pedophile.

Terrific thing
to just say out of nowhere.

Great job. Megan.

We love Megan.
They should put it back on TV.

Legalize. Megan.

So you said you kicked Epstein

out of Mar-A-Lago, but he said
he was, quote, never a member.

Yeah,
I said I kicked Jeffrey out

because he was a pedophile.

But then I also said I didn't
know he did anything wrong.

So it's kind of hard
to square that circle

until you realize that Trump
exists across many timelines.

It's the
Trump multiverse theory.

We just happened to be living
in the worst possible one.

Now, if you'll

excuse me, I'm going to release
all of the Epstein files.

This is great.

Each file will be on sale
for the low, low price of $800.

Oh. She's pretty.

Who said she's beautiful?

I like that she's nice.

You know, this is a beautiful,
one of a kind.

Printed out screenshot
and very low res

of one of the many files
mentioning President Trump.

It makes a great
stocking stuffer.

I just ordered
the one that says, Does

Putin have the photo of Trump
blowing bubble?

We love that.

Whatever the hell that means.

But I did do
one very generous thing today.

I pardoned a turkey. Okay.

Who by complete coincidence,
is a convicted sex criminal.

So we're going to be
looking into that very shortly.

I can assure you that.

So Merry Thanksgiving

we're going to be saying
Merry Thanksgiving again

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT!

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE"!

WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST OLIVIA DEAN!

AND YOUR HOST, GLEN POWELL!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- GLEN

POWELL!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I am so happy to be here.

It has been a wild year.

My TV show premiered.

I have a movie coming out.

And. Thank you. Thank you.

And I know some of you
are tired of seeing my face.

Hell,
I'm tired of seeing my face too.

But you know who is not tired
of seeing my face?

Your mom.

But it's true.

My face has been popping up
all over the internet.

Specifically, this photo.

Looked like a golden retriever
about to get a treat.

I've also seen a lot of people
say Glen

Powell came out of nowhere.
And that's just not true.

I started acting when I was ten,
in Austin, Texas.

I did student films,

local commercials, internet
safety videos.

Even when I was a teen,
I directed some of my own films.

They were a little experimental,
emotionally nuanced.

I was watching a lot of French
New Wave at the time.

I think you'll see
the influence. Check it out.

Is this

more than you
bargain for yet?

Oh don|t mind me

I'm watching.

That was actually my audition
for Top Gun.

But my first big break came in

Spy Kids 3D.

I played a.

Character called the long
Fingered boy.

The long fingered boy.

A name

that gets you all the wrong kind
of friends in middle school.

Being on that set
was the peak of my life

until tonight.

Hosting SNL is a dream come true

not just for me,
but for my whole family.

And true story.

I was actually supposed

to host four years ago
for Top Gun Maverick,

and when I got the call,
I was on a porch with my family,

and we just all lost our minds.

We were jumping up and down,
celebrating,

and a UPS driver happened
to be delivering a package

at that exact same moment.

And he was like,
what is going on?

And I was like, I'm hosting SNL.

And he was like,
are you serious?

And I was like, yep.

Christmas episode. Tune in.

And so
we all took a selfie with him.

And this is the
selfie to mark the occasion.

So that's

me and my whole family
and the UPS driver.

But then my dream got taken
away.

Top gun got delayed
because of Covid.

So SNL had to take their offer
back.

Lorne Michaels
literally called me and said,

without Top Gun,
and these are his words.

No one will know
who the f you are.

So I didn't end up hosting,

which means for four years,
this U.P.S.

driver was just going around
saying, Glen Powell is a liar.

So now I am here hosting.

It feels amazing.

But what feels even better
is proving to this U.P.S.

driver that I am not crazy.

So this is real.

My sisters tracked him down

because the women in my family
are terrifying.

And they found the cell number
of this UPS guy.

His name is Mitch.

So to prove to Mitch that
I am not a liar, I flew him.

All the way to New York.

Coach, I don't know.

How Running Man
is going to do yet.

But I flew him here

and he thought it was a scam,
but he still came.

And he is sitting
in the audience tonight.

So let's give it up for Mitch,
the UPS Driver

All right.

So, Mitch.

Why don't you come up here?

We'll recreate the selfie.

Bring this thing full circle.

All right.

Look,
I had to wait my entire life.

Plus four years to be here.

But if I have learned anything,

it is that the best things
in life don't happen overnight.

And no one knows that
better than UPS

We got a great show for

you tonight, Olivia
Dean is here

Stick around we|ll
be right back!

It was still nice of you

grand kids to bring Thanksgiving
dinner to me.

I'm sure the Sunnyside
Senior home

is the way you wanted
to spend your Thanksgiving.

Stop that.

Grandma, we wanted to be here.

Yeah.

Plus, you probably don't have
a lot of Thanksgivings left.

Nathan and. Right.

Well, grandma, before we go,
we have a special surprise

for you.

When we were cleaning out
your house,

we found a box of old photos

from when you were
a little girl.

Yeah, and Nathan
scanned them into this cool.

App called Old Time
Photos Brought to Life.

It's really cool.

Okay, here's
one of your pictures.

Oh. Oh, that's my father.

He's so young.

Yeah.

Now watch what the app does. Oh.

Oh my goodness.

He was waving and smiling.

How did he do that?

Well, the AI analyzes

the picture and projects
how they move.

Oh, here's
another one with your mom in it.

Oh. Oh, look at her.

So beautiful.

Is that a cigaret?

Great. Grandma. Smoke.

Oh, everybody did back then.

Can you bring this one
to life too?

Of course.

Grandma.

Why did my mother smoke her
hot dog?

The AI is weird,
but isn't it cool?

Look,
even that dog's tail is wagging.

Oh, that was save
your family pup.

Oh, no.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, oh.

Why does a computer do that
to safety?

Well,
there's probably just too much

going on in the picture in the.

I got confused here.

Look at this one. It's
your dad and.

Oh, some guy in a bowling alley.

Do you know him, grandma?

Oh, that was my father's
best friend, Cal Vreeland.

Oh, he was a hoot.

They would get together
and laugh and laugh.

Oh, can you bring this one
to life, too?

Oh, of course, grandma,
but just so you know,

we only have a couple more free
ones left before

I have to buy
more credits on the app.

You know what?

Here, grandma. I'll do it.

What was that, Tom?

I think what happened,
grandma, was,

Their bowling balls
floated away, and then your dad

paid Kyle Ryland
to show his Ken doll crotch.

But why? Dad.

Don't worry about it, grandma.

Let's just do one more.

We here. We found a special
one for you. Oh, yeah.

As far as we could tell, it's
the first picture you ever took.

You're
just a little, little baby.

Oh, my heavens, look at that.

You know, maybe
we don't bring this one to life.

It's just so nice the way it is.

Well, it cost me ten credits
just to upload it to the app.

So we're going to.

Oh, my God, it's coming.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh,

Megan, leave.

Oh, no, I don't wanna. Oh!

All right.

I think
I've had enough of the photos.

We're sorry, grandma.

We just wanted to do something
special for you.

Oh. You did.

You came to visit me.

Now I'll let you go.

But will I see you
for Christmas?

Of course. Grandma.

Yeah. If you make it till then.

Nathan?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> YOU EVER MISS SOMEONE SO

MUCH, YOU LOSE SIGHT OF

YOURSELF?

>> YOU THINK ABOUT THEM ALL THE

TIME.

YOU WONDER IF LIFE WILL EVER

SEEM NORMAL AGAIN.

* HAVEN'T FELT THE SAME SINCE

YOU BEEN GONE *

* EVERYONE ELSE JUST FEELS SO

WRONG *

* I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE OVER

YOU AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS BOTTLE

DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO *

* I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY

I JUST WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR

DAY *

* I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT

WHAT WE HAD OH MAN *

* I MISS MY EX'S DAD *

* I MISS MY EX'S DAD *

* YOU GAVE ME A POCKETKNIFE AND

SOME SHIRTS THAT ALL WERE

PLAID *

* YOUR SOCKS YOUR CROCS YOU'RE

THE IDEAL MALE WITH YOUR

PONYTAIL *

* I DON'T MISS HIS DAUGHTER AT

ALL WHICH I KNOW IS BAD *

* I JUST MISS MY EX'S DAD *

>> IT'S A DAMN SHAME WHEN

SOMEONE BEAUTIFUL LEAVES YOUR

LIFE.

A DAMN SHAME.

* REMEMBER THANKSGIVING YOU WERE

IN A BAD MOOD *

* YOU WOULDN'T PLAY CHARADES

EVERYONE WAS MAD AT YOU *

* THEY WERE TRYING TO PUT YOUR

NAME IN THE DIRT BUT I STEPPED

IN AND SAID *

>> HE'S UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE

AT WORK.

* YOU RECOMMENDED BROOKS RUNNING

SHOES *

* NOW MY ARCHES ARE FOREVER IN

DEBT TO YOU *

* THE SHOP IN THE GARAGE WAS RAD

YOU'RE THE DAD I NEVER HAD *

* BESIDES MY REAL DAD *

* OH GARY AND MIKE I MISS MY

EX'S DAD *

* WE SMOKED CIGARS AND THAT WAS

TIGHT *

* YOU PLAYED BALL IN UNDERGRAD *

* YOUR GRILL YOUR BUICK YOU'RE

THE IDEAL MAN WITH YOUR

CARDIGAN *

* DON'T REMEMBER HIS DAUGHTER'S

NAME WHICH I KNOW IS BAD *

* I JUST MISS MY EX'S DAD *

* OH I MISS YOU I'M YOUR NUMBER

ONE FAN *

* HER NEW BOYFRIEND DIDN'T LIKE

MY STORY ABOUT BEING THE DAD *

* BUT I HAVE A PLAN TO GET YOU

BACK *

* A PLAN THAT CANNOT FAIL *

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO FOR

CHRISTMAS?

>> YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND TRIED TO

KISS ME.

>> NO, I DIDN'T.

>> YES, YOU DID, THREE TIMES

TODAY.

ONCE ON THE NECK, ONCE ON MY

MOUTH, AND ONCE ON MY BACK.

>> I DIDN'T TRY TO KISS YOUR

BACK.

>> DAD, STOP.

I KNOW YOU JUST MISS LEO.

>> SO WHAT IF I DO?

I AM NOT MADE OF STONE.

HE IS THE GREATEST MAN I HAVE

EVER MET, AND YOU KICKED HIM TO

THE CURB.

LIKE A DOG!

I HATE IT HERE!

NO ONE IN THIS FAMILY

UNDERSTANDS ME!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HE USUALLY LIKE THIS?

* I MISS MY DAUGHTER'S EX *

* OH LEO MAN BIG RED I MISS MY

DAUGHTER'S EX *

* I WISH YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND WAS

DEAD I MISS MY DAUGHTER'S EX *

* YOU SHOULD BE HERE DRINKING

BEER WITH YOUR FAVORITE DRINKING

LAD *

* IT AIN'T UP TO ME BUT I'M

ALWAYS PROUD TO BE *

* YOUR EX'S DAD *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BACHELOR WEEKEND OF OUR LIVES!

>> HERE'S TO THE GROOM TO BE!

>> NOW I'M THE ONLY ONE LEFT,

THE ONLY SINGLE ONE LEFT.

IT'S JUST -- NO, IT WILL HAPPEN

FOR ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> GUYS, I JUST REALLY WANT TO

SAY THANK YOU FOR PUTTING THIS

ALL TOGETHER.

IT IS GOING TO BE AN EPIC

WEEKEND.

[ DOORBELL ]

>> I HOPE IT'S NOT A STRIPPER!

>> I ACTUALLY FORGOT TO TELL YOU

GUYS, I HAVE ONE MORE FRIEND

COMING, YOU NEVER MET HIM.

I SHOULD PROBABLY WARN YOU.

HE'S -- HE'S SEBASTIAN

MANISCALCO.

>> WAIT, LIKE THE WORLD-FAMOUS

COMEDIAN?

>> YES, BUT HE IS NOTHING LIKE

WHAT YOU'VE SEEN ON TV, I

PROMISE.

>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE

IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M DRIVING MY CAR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I'VE GOT THE STICK SHIFT

GOING.

AND THEN THE TRAFFIC WAS ON

ANOTHER LEVEL.

OKAY, AND THEN THIS GENIUS CUTS

ME OFF.

AND I'M LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU DO

THAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY, SO HE'S EXACTLY LIKE HE

IS ON TV.

>> SEBASTIAN, I HAVE MISSED YOU,

MAN.

WE'VE GOT TO HANG OUT MORE.

>> IT'S TRUE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

WELL.

I KNOW THIS ISN'T A BACHELORETTE

PARTY, BUT --

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> I THOUGHT WE COULD PLAY A

GAME.

>> YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NO, I'M NOT KIDDING,

ACTUALLY.

IT'S A GAME CALLED "GUESS THE

GIRLFRIEND."

>> YOU KNOW WHAT'S A GAME I

DON'T LIKE?

I DON'T LIKE TWISTER, YOU HEARD

OF THIS, TWISTER?

THE GUY GOES, PUT YOUR RIGHT

FOOT ON PELLOW, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN THE SON OF A BITCH, HE

GOES, LEFT HAND TO PURPLE.

NOW MY HAND IS IN MY RECTUM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I GO, IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO

BE THERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU ARE COOKING, C-BASS MAN.

IT WAS SO BORING BEFORE YOU GOT

HERE.

>> OKAY.

HURTFUL.

>> I'M SORRY, HOW DO YOU TWO

KNOW EACH OTHER?

>> OH, WE ACTUALLY WENT TO CAMP

TOGETHER, FOUR YEARS IN A ROW.

>> SOME OF THE BEST TIMES OF MY

LIFE.

>> OKAY.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST MOVE PAST

THE GAME PORTION OF THE EVENING.

>> THIS GUY.

>> BECAUSE I KIND OF WANTED TO

MAKE A SPEECH.

I KNOW, THAT SUCKS.

THAT SUCKS.

BUT I DO WANT TO SAY A FEW WORDS

BEFORE YOU OFFICIALLY TIE THE

KNOT.

>> LET ME TELL YOU THE BIGGEST

PROBLEM, THE BIGGEST PROBLEM

WITH TYING THE KNOT, OKAY?

WHEN YOU GOT A BOW, YOU GOT TO

TIE A KNOT AS TIGHT AS YOU CAN.

IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE, OKAY?

THAT BOW THAT COST YOU HALF YOUR

SALARY, IT'S KISS IT GOOD-BYE.

>> THAT IS EXACTLY WHY I DON'T

HAVE A BOAT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT

TO KISS IT GOOD-BYE.

>> IT'S BETTER WHEN SEBASTIAN

DOES IT.

>> OKAY, I'M SORRY.

SEBASTIAN, IT'S AWESOME MEETING

YOU, MAN, BUT THIS WEEKEND IS

ABOUT DAVE.

LIKE, HE'S THE ONE GETTING

MARRIED.

>> OH.

YOU WANT SOME MARRIAGE ADVICE?

THE BIGGEST OBSTACLE IS GOING TO

BE THE MOTHER-IN-LAW, OKAY?

AND IT'S NOT THE TYPE OF

OBSTACLE YOU CAN STEP OVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO JUMP

OVER THE MOTHER-IN-LAW.

[ CHEERS ]

>> SEBASTIAN, I SWEAR, YOUR BODY

IS A WONDER LAND.

>> THANK YOU.

>> OKAY, GUYS.

SEBASTIAN HAS TOTALLY CHANGED

THE DYNAMIC OF THIS SLEEPOVER.

>> HEY, DON'T DO THAT.

IT'S NOT A SLEEPOVER.

>> I THINK WHAT AUSTIN IS TRYING

TO SAY IS IT'S STARTING TO FEEL

LIKE YOU DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT

US, YOU ONLY REALLY CARE ABOUT

SEBASTIAN MANISCALO.

>> IF YOU GUYS CAN'T HANG AROUND

WITH ME WHEN I'M AROUND

SEBASTIAN, THEN MAYBE YOU

SHOULDN'T HANG AROUND WITH ME AT

ALL.

>> AND THAT'S FACT.

LISTEN.

MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES TO YOU

GUYS.

I JUST HAVEN'T SEEN DAVE IN A

WHILE.

AND THIS GUY, THEY TAUGHT ME

EVERYTHING I KNOW.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, EVER SINCE WE WERE TWO

KIDS AT SUMMER CAMP BACK WHEN WE

WOULD BE PLAYING.

SHOOTING BASKETBALL.

WE USED TO LOVE TO SWIM.

WE WERE SWIMMING.

>> PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT

ME AND THIS GUY, WE WERE LIKE

TWO PEAS IN A POD, YOU

UNDERSTAND?

>> I KNOW I SOUND DIFFERENT NOW,

BUT THAT IS STILL WHO I AM ON

THE INSIDE.

EVERY DAY I HAVE TO QUIET DOWN

MY INNER SEBASTIAN.

I GOT TO PUSH IT DOWN.

I GOT TO SAY, NOT NOW.

>> WOW.

SORRY.

WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

>> IT'S OKAY.

>> NO WAY FOR YOU TO KNOW THAT.

[ DOORBELL ]

>> HOW COULD THAT BE?

>> OH, I DID ORDER A STRIPPER.

I SHOULD WARN Y'ALL, SHE'S

JENNIFER COOLIDGE.

>> OH, WOW!

[ LAUGHTER ]

HI, BOYS!

I CAN'T WAIT TO DANCE FOR YOU.

AND DON'T WORRY.

I STILL GOT A FAT ASS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Hey, everyone.

I just wanted to say I'm

so honored to be here in Oslo
directing this movie.

Scent of a marriage.

I am a huge fan of Norwegian
film.

You guys take such

an unflinching look at the ways
we devastate each other.

So let's go for a take.

>> "SCENT OF A MARRIAGE" SCENE

12 TAKE 1.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> AND ACTION!

>> YOU THINK YOU LOST ME?

>> PLEASE DON'T ASK ME THAT.

>> WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

WORK AT THE BOOKSTORE TILL

YOU'RE 50?

YOU SHOULD BE WRITING BOOKS, NOT

SELLING THEM.

>> HOW CAN YOU SAY THIS?

EVERYTHING I DO IS FOR OUR SON.

EVERYTHING CHANGED AFTER THE

ACCIDENT.

>> DON'T YOU USE HIM AS AN

EXCUSE.

YOU'RE JUST AFRAID TO EVER WANT

ANYTHING.

>> AND YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME A

COWARD.

>> YOU'RE TOO LAZY TO BE A

COWARD.

A COWARD HAS THE ENERGY TO HIDE.

YOU JUST SIT THERE.

>> AND CUT!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> THAT WAS INSANE!

>> OKAY!

THAT WAS, LIKE, THE COOLEST

THING I EVER EXPERIENCED!

>> OKAY, YOU ARE AMAZING AT

ACTING.

I WAS LIKE, WE WERE ON THE SET

FOR THE EMOTION AND I WAS LIKE,

LET'S RIDE!

>> WE WERE RIDING.

>> WE WILL RIDE.

>> REALLY WOW.

>> AWESOME.

>> I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU GUYS TO

HAVE THIS KIND OF ENERGY RIGHT

NOW, BUT YEAH, I THINK THAT TAKE

WAS GREAT SO LET'S JUST MOVE ON

TO THE NEXT SCENE IF THAT'S

OKAY?

>> YEAH, SO COOL.

>> SO EFFING COOL.

>> EXCELLENT.

THERE IS WHERE YOU'RE WAITING

FOR YOUR SON TO GET OUT OF THE

HOSPITAL.

>> OKAY.

>> "SCENT OF A MARRIAGE" SCENE

19 TAKE 1.

>> AND ACTION!

>> I'M SICK OF YOU.

I'M SICK OF YOUR TASTE.

>> HOW WOULD YOU KNOW HOW I

TASTE?

YOU HAVEN'T TOUCHED ME SINCE OUR

SON FELL DOWN THE HILL.

>> TOUCHING YOU IS NOT AN

IMPULSE THAT I HAVE.

>> THAT YOU HAVE.

YOU.

YOU.

YOU.

LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

>> I'M LEAVING YOU.

>> CUT!

>> OH!

>> GUYS, THIS IS SO GOOD!

>> I LOVE THIS SCRIPT!

>> OH, SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY,

SERIOUSLY, I HAVE LITTLE

GOOSEBUMPS.

OH, MY GOD, THE GOOSE PIMPLES.

RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU FELT

THAT.

>> ME!

>> YOU FELT IT, OKAY.

HIGH FIVE, HIGH FIVE.

>> WOW, YOU GUYS ARE LOVING

THIS.

REALLY GOT SOME CHEMISTRY.

>> OH, WE WERE ACTING.

>> WE WERE ACTING.

>> WE WERE ACTING.

>> WE WERE ACTING.

>> OKAY, EXCELLENT.

WELL, HONESTLY, WHAT WE'RE

GETTING ON CAMERA IS TERRIFIC.

AND THIS IS THIS.

SO LET'S KEEP MOVING, AND WE'LL

JUMP TO THE BED SCENE.

>> OH, OH-OH, SCENE IN THE BED.

>> OH!

HOPE THE BED DOESN'T BREAK,

FREAKY!

>> EXCUSE ME, DON'T POKE ME WITH

THAT THING.

>> DON'T POKE ME WITH THOSE

THINGS.

>> "SCENT OF A MARRIAGE" SCENE

40 TAKE 1.

>> AND ACTION!

>> IT'S OVER.

>> I KNOW.

>> MOM?

DAD?

YOU'RE GETTING A DIVORCE?

IS IT MY FAULT?

>> YES.

>> AND CUT!

>> OH!

>> OH!

>> OH!

>> THE BEST SCENE YET!

WOW!

>> SERIOUSLY GUYS, WE ARE GOING

TO HOLLYWOOD.

>> WE'RE GOING TO MEET JIMMY

KIMMEL!

>> OKAY, WHO AM I, WHO AM I?

>> OH, OH -- HAWTHORNE,

HAWTHORNE!

>> OKAY, GUYS, I THINK WE'VE GOT

TO MOVE ON SO LET'S PLEASE GO TO

THE NEXT SCENE WITH THE FATHER'S

ENTRANCE.

WE'VE GOT STELLAN STANDING BY,

SO YOU ALL READY?

EXCELLENT.

PLACES.

MR. SKARSGARD!

AND ACTION!

>> FATHER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> I'VE COME TO TELL YOU THE

TRUTH.

IT'S MY FAULT YOUR SON FELL DOWN

THE HILL.

>> NO.

IT'S NOT.

>> I PUSHED HIM HARD ON THE

SHOULDER.

I WATCHED HIM TUMBLE STRAIGHT

INTO THE SPRUCE.

>> GRANDDAD.

IS THIS TRUE?

YOU PUSHED ME DOWN?

>> YES.

I AM A MONSTER.

NOW FOREVER I WILL LIVE WITH THE

SOUND OF HIS CRIES.

THE TASTE OF HIS GRIEF.

AND THE SCENT OF YOUR MARRIAGE.

>> CUT!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> THAT'S THE NAME OF THE MOVIE!

>> THAT'S THE NAME OF THE MOVIE!

>> IT'S CRAZY!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

* MacGRUBER *

* MAKING LIFE-SAVING INVENTIONS

OUT OF HOUSEHOLD MATERIALS *

* MacGRUBER *

* GETTING IN AND OUT OF STICKY

SITUATIONS *

* MacGRUBER *

* THE GUY'S A FREAKING GENIUS *

* MacGRUBER *

>>> MacGRUBER, THE DOOR'S WELDED

SHUT, THERE'S NO ESCAPE.

>> THAT'S NOT THE ONLY PROBLEM.

BY THE LOOKS OF THAT CLUSTER

BOMB, WE'VE ONLY GOT 45 SECONDS.

>> DON'T WORRY, GANG, I CAN TAME

THIS BRONCO IN MY SLEEP.

BOMB CLASS 101.

CONNIE, HAND ME THAT PENCIL

SHARPENER.

>> YOU GOT IT, MacGRUBER.

>> COLTON, A PATCH OF FOIL.

>> ALL THE WAY, MacGRUBES.

>> NOW JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY.

>> WHY IS HE IN THE CONTROL ROOM

WITH THE BOMB?

>> I THINK I KNOW WHY, AND I

FEEL AWFUL.

SEE, I HAVE A DOCUMENT IN MY

POSSESSION THAT I WAS GOING TO

LEAK TO THE PRESS.

SOMETHING SO SENSITIVE,

SOMETHING SO POWERFUL THAT

PEOPLE WOULD GO TO ANY LENGTH TO

STOP ME.

>> THE COLONEL'S SECRET RECIPE.

>> EVEN MORE SENSITIVE.

THE EPSTEIN FILES.

UNREDACTED.

>> TALK ABOUT EXPLOSIVE.

FOR FAR TOO LONG, THE RICH AND

POWERFUL HAVE LIVED BY A

DIFFERENT SET OF RULES THAN THE

REST OF US.

BUT IT'S TIME FOR A RECKONING.

'CAUSE NO ONE, AND I MEAN NO

ONE, IS ABOVE THE LAW.

TAKE A LOOK AT THESE BOTTOM

FEEDERS.

OOP --

>> SOMETHING WRONG, MacGRUBER?

>> HA HA!

UH --

>> 15 SECONDS, MacGRUBER!

>> CONNIE, HAND ME THAT NEEDLE!

>> WHERE?

I DON'T SEE A NEEDLE.

>> KEEP LOOKING, IT'S BEHIND

YOU.

COLTON, HELP HER LOOK!

>> WE CAN'T FIND IT!

>> MacGRUBER, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?

>> INSURANCE, COLTON.

THIS LIST IS TOO IMPORTANT TO

HAVE ALL IN ONE PLACE FOR SOME

BAD GUY TO STEAL.

SO I'M BREAKING IT UP INTO TINY

LITTLE PIECES WHICH WE CAN HIDE

IN VARIOUS GARBAGE CANS THAT

ONLY WE KNOW ABOUT.

>> MacGRUBER, DO YOU KNOW

SOMEBODY ON THE LIST?

>> OKAY, WELL YEAH -- OKAY,

OKAY.

I DO KNOW ONE GUY.

>> MacGRUBER?

ARE YOU ON THE LIST?

>> HA, RIGHT, AS IF.

NO.

>> SCOUT'S HONOR?

* MacGRUBER *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> DEAR MOM.

JUST WRITING TO LET YOU KNOW

THEY TRANSFERRED ME TO A NEW TOP

SECRET DIVISION.

I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT IT, BUT

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO SERVE

THIS COUNTRY.

I MISS YOU, MOM.

LOVE, MANNY.

[ DRUMROLL ]

>> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, SLAY,

TWO, THREE, FOUR, AND HALT!

>> SERGEANT!

>> AMAZING BOD ON YOU, PRIVATE.

BOOTY, FACE GIVING.

>> BUT THE HAIR?

>> WE ARE GOING TO NEED TO BOB

IT.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO WHAT?

>> OH, HONEY, YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

>> OH, HE DIDN'T KNOW.

>> HE DIDN'T KNOW.

>> YOU'VE BEEN ASSIGNED TO THE

SLAY DIVISION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> AND IN THE SLAY DIVISION,

EVERYBODY GETS BOBBED.

>> I'M SORRY, THE SLAY DIVISION?

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT.

>> THE U.S. MILITARY IS ALWAYS

IN SEARCH OF INNOVATIVE WAYS TO

INTIMIDATE THE ENEMY.

>> AND RESEARCH SHOWS THERE'S

NOTHING MORE INTIMIDATING THAN A

FREAK-ASS BOB.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HAVE YOU EVER SPOKEN TO A

WOMAN WITH A BOB?

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET ON HER BAD

SIDE.

>> AND IF YOU SEE A MAN WITH A

BOB, DIVA, YOU BETTER RUN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> A BUZZ CUT GETS THE GUNS BUT

THE BOB SAYS GET THE MANAGER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I'M CONFUSED.

IS YOUR HAIR LIKE A WEAPON?

>> YEAH, BUT WE DON'T KILL OUR

ENEMY.

>> WE GAG THEM WITH BLUNT FORCE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> FALL IN, COMPANY!

* ONE TWO THREE FOUR AND SLAY

TWO THREE FOUR AND HALT *

>> ATTENTION!

IS ALL WE WANT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> SO ALL YOU GUYS DO IS DANCE

AROUND AND GET HAIRCUTS?

>> THAT'S NOT ALL.

WE ALSO LISTEN TO TATE McRAE AND

DO PUFFERS UNTIL WE PASS OUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> SLAY DIVISION?

WHAT IS OUR MISSION?

>> SERVE AND PROTECT!

BUT MOSTLY SERVE!

>> HOLD ON, CONNERS.

ARE MY EYES DECEIVING ME?

OR DID YOU BRING A BANG TO A BOB

FIGHT?

>> THIS DIVA DECEIVED US.

HIS HAIR'S AN ABSOLUTE FLOP.

A BANG GIVES CRISIS, WHILE A BOB

GIVES DIVORCE AND THRIVING.

>> WAIT, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

>> THE SCENT OF HIS SLOP-ASS

BANG MUST HAVE LED US TO IT.

IT'S OUR RIVAL DIVISION, THE

BANG BATTALION!

* WHEN THE BANGS OH WHEN THE

BANGS OH WHEN THE BANGS COME

SURFING IN *

>> BURN THE HOUSE DOWN, BANG THE

BOBS UP ARE.

>> THE GUMPTION.

>> THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING.

>> YOU REALLY THINK YOU STOOD A

CHANCE, BUT WE HAVE A

BOB-SNIFFING DOG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> SHOW THESE SKANKS HOW IT'S

DONE.

* EVERYWHERE WE GO PEOPLE WANNA

KNOW *

* WHERE WE GOT THE JACKET SO WE

TELL THEM *

* OH I KNOW I THINK IT WAS A

GIFT *

>> WOW.

I'M NOT GONNA LIE.

>> HAVE ANY OF YOU EVEN BEEN

DEPLOYED?

>> OF COURSE WE HAVE.

SERGEANT BAKER DID TWO TOURS IN

IRAQ.

>> IT WAS CRAZY.

THE GUNS WERE LIKE

A-KAK-KAK-KAK!

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN WITH A WOMAN.

>> OKAY, WHAT?

DOES PETE HEGSETH KNOW ABOUT

THIS?

>> NO, WE DON'T REPORT TO HER.

>> WE ONLY ANSWER TO LESLIE BIBB

'CAUSE THE AIR FORCE IS IN THE

AIR, THE NAVY IS IN THE WATER,

AND WE'RE IN YOUR HEAD

RENT-FREE.

>> YOU HAVE A CHOICE HERE,

CADET.

WILL YOU JOIN THE BOBS?

OR THE BANGS?

>> WELL -- I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEE

YOU ALL TURN IT OUT BEFORE YOU

CLOCK MY GAG.

>> OH?

OKAY, PEARL.

LET'S SHOW HIM HOW WE SERVE

COUNTRY.

**

**

* BOB A BOB A BOB A BOB BOB *

* BANG A BANG A BANG A BANG

BANG *

>> WELL, PRIVATE, WHAT WILL IT

BE?

>> I'M GONNA BOB IT!

>> OKAY, I'M GLAD TO HAVE YOU,

DIVA.

WE ARE GETTING DEPLOYED IN THE

MORNING.

>> OH, WHERE TO?

>> ZARA, MIDTOWN.

IT'S A WAR ZONE IN THERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OLIVIA

DEAN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

* TALK TO ME TALK TO ME

TALK TO ME TALK TO ME *

* LOOKS LIKE

WE'RE MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME

NEED YOU TO

SPELL IT OUT FOR ME *

* BOSSA NOVA ON ALL NIGHT

IT'S LIKE A TYPE

OF ALCHEMY *

* INTRODUCE ME

TO YOUR BEST FRIEND

I CAN COME

AND SLOT RIGHT IN *

* A SATELLITE

AIN'T EVEN THAT FAR

I KINDA WONDER

WHERE YOU ARE *

* ALREADY KNOW

I CAN'T LEAVE IT ALONE

YOU'RE ON MY MIND *

* ALREADY GAVE YOU

THE TIME AND THE PLACE

SO DON'T BE SHY *

* JUST COME

BE THE MAN I NEED *

* TELL ME YOU GOT

SOMETHING TO GIVE

I WANT IT *

* I KINDA LIKE IT

WHEN YOU CALL ME

WONDERFUL *

* WHATEVER

THE TYPE OF TALK IT IS

COME ON THEN *

* I GOTTA KNOW

YOU'RE MEANT TO BE

THE MAN I NEED *

* TALK TO ME

TALK TO ME

MM TALK TO ME TALK TO ME *

* BE THE MAN

THAT I NEED BABY

TALK TO ME TALK TO ME *

* BE THE MAN

THAT I NEED NEED NEED

TALK TO ME TALK TO ME *

* BE THE MAN

THAT I NEED BABY

TALK TO ME TALK TO ME *

* BE THE MAN

MAN MAN MAN MAN *

* I'D LIKE TO THINK

YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY

BUT I CAN'T TELL

WITH YOU SOMETIMES *

* SO BABY

LET'S GET ON THE SAME PAGE

STOP MAKING ME READ

BETWEEN THE LINES *

* ALREADY KNOW

I CAN'T LEAVE IT ALONE

YOU'RE ON MY MIND YEAH *

* AND I ALREADY GAVE YOU

THE TIME AND THE PLACE

SO DON'T BE SHY *

* JUST COME

BE THE MAN I NEED *

* TELL ME YOU GOT

SOMETHING TO GIVE

I WANT IT *

* I KINDA LIKE IT

WHEN YOU CALL ME

WONDERFUL *

* WHATEVER

THE TYPE OF TALK IT IS

COME ON THEN *

* I GOTTA KNOW

YOU'RE MEANT TO BE

THE MAN I NEED *

* TALK TO ME

TALK TO ME

TALK TO ME

TALK TO ME *

* MM TALK TO ME TALK TO ME

BE THE MAN

THAT I NEED BABY *

* TALK TO ME TALK TO ME

BE THE MAN

THAT I NEED NEED NEED *

* MM TALK TO ME TALK TO ME

BE THE MAN

THAT I NEED BABY *

* TALK TO ME TALK TO ME

BE THE MAN

MAN MAN MAN MAN *

* MM

MM-MM MM-MM MM

MM-MM MM

MM-MM MM-MM MM-MM MM-MM MM *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update

with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you guys.

Thank you.

Good evening.

Good evening
everyone and welcome

to Weekend Update I'm
Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well the longest government

shutdown in history
finally ended after 43 days.

And, you know,
first day back in the office,

you got to check
all those piled up emails.

House Democrats
released an email written

by Jeffrey Epstein
in which he claims

that Donald Trump, quote,
knew about the girls.

It's bombshell news that
legal experts are calling. Duh.

This week's

Epstein documents are obviously
very dark and disturbing,

but I also think it's
kind of adorable

that Epstein's email address
was J e vacation at gmail.

It's like if Jeffrey Dahmer, as
was dinnertime, Jeff at Yahoo!

And one of the emails Epstein's
brother ask

if Vladimir Putin has a picture
of Donald Trump giving oral sex

to someone named Bubba,
which was an old nickname

for Bill Clinton.

So I guess that's one job
Trump has created.

I don't know if that oral
sex story is true, but I do know

that image is burned in my brain
like a scene from The Shining.

According to one released email,
Jeffrey Epstein claimed

that he was, quote,
the one able to take Trump down,

which is pretty big talk for
a guy who lost to a bedsheet.

I just have to say,
you know, in general,

I don't really believe in

conspiracies because as a member
of the Illuminati, I,

I know that we, the lizard
people, control everything.

And it's really hard to believe
that Trump was so oblivious

that he didn't notice

his good friend was running
an international pedophile ring.

So I guess Trump is the one guy
on Earth who thinks Y.M.C.A.

is a straight anthem.

And on a basic level,
it's just shocking

how many alleged pedophiles

Trump was friends with Epstein,
Prince Andrew and Diddy.

I mean, that's that's a lot,
you know?

I mean, think about your own
friend group.

You know, how many pedophiles
do you know?

One. Maybe two.

But Trump's
like the Forrest Gump of meeting

famous.

The villain
ending the government shutdown

will fund snap
through next September.

And thank God, because I was
this close to donating food.

President Trump,

president Trump attended
the Washington Commanders

game on Sunday,
and I guess he hasn't

been to one in a while
because he showed up in Redskin.

It was also reported
that President Trump told

the owners
of the Washington commanders

that he wants their new stadium
to be named in his honor.

So say hello to the Dementia
Dome.

In a new interview,
President Trump denied

online rumors
that the gold decorations

in the Oval Office
came from Home Depot,

even though he has a whole team
of guys taking stuff from Home

Depot all the time.

This is one of my favorite
episode.

President Trump is threatening
to sue the BBC for $5 billion

for a documentary,

for a documentary that edited
out the part of his January

6th speech, where he called
for protesters to be peaceful

and to set the record straight.

Here is the full, unedited,
completely accurate clip

of what Trump said on that day.

Everybody knows
I went down on Bill Clinton.

Yeah, everyone wants to see it.

Astronauts
on the International Space

Station
are testing a new process

that makes food
using their own urine.

They're also testing
a new dessert called

I Can't Believe it's
not brownie.

Netflix is producing a sequel
to the 1990s Cosby Show

spin off A Different World,
about students at an HBCU.

Which of course stands for hell.

Bill Cosby is undressing.

A sheriff's

officer in Indiana went into
an elementary school to jokingly

hand out tickets to students
using the phrase six seven.

Everyone had a good laugh.

Then he pulled out his gun and
said, now tell me what it means.

The U.S.

mint this week stopped
producing new pennies.

It make sense?

Gets.

No. I had another one.

It was, the U.S.

mint this week stopped
producing new pennies.

One last severe
blow to Lincoln's head.

So I'll do the first one.

I do the first.

Maxwell House coffee
temporarily changed

its name to Maxwell Apartment
to better reflect current times,

though it's much

better than their first choice,
Glenn Maxwell has

taken so early.

In finally,
a new documentary that analyzed

Adolf Hitler's DNA shows
he suffered from a disease

which leads to lower

testosterone levels, undescended
testicles, and a micro penis

trait inherited by his secret
grandson.

For Weekedn Update I|m

Michael Che I|m
Colin Jost

Goodnight.

Yeah.

I still don't understand
why we have to pick up

your ex-husband
from the airport.

It's kind of awkward
sauce, honey.

My daughter was kidnaped
by sex traffickers in Paris,

and then my ex-husband flew
there,

killed them
all, and got her back.

The least I could do
is pick him up from the airport.

Okay.

Oh, my God, there they are, mom.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks to dad.

Bryan.

Lenore.

What you did.

It was so brave.

Any man would do it
for his family.

I was gonna go.

What's that? Dennis. Yeah.

I was gonna fly to Paris
and kill the traffickers myself,

but I couldn't because
I never got my real I.D..

Dennis, don't be ridiculous.

I would have never done
that. You're scared of flying.

I was going to take a cruise
ship.

The point is, we got Kim back,
and either of us could

have done it.

Brian.

I have to ask you something.

Anything. I'm an open book.

How did you hunt down
the traffickers?

Well, let's just say I have
a very particular set of skills.

Not communication though, right?

Maybe because that was like

the main reason
you two got divorced. Dennis,

that's not the main reason
me and Brian got divorced.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

You said the relationship
was too physical.

It's true.

Every conversation
seemed to end up

with our clothes on the floor.

Well, I don't leave
clothes on the floor.

I put them in the hamper.

Okay, sweetheart.

How are you holding up?

I'm okay.

A little. Cold.

Here, take my jacket.

Yeah. And?

And take my shirt, too. Yeah.

Now, you can now
wrap it around your head.

You know what I can do, Durex.

Stop.

Yeah.

That's fine.

Didn't want to wear my shirt
anyway.

Not with guns like this.

Who's

Solomon? Deadly.

It was the silent. Well, it.

Didn't smell.

It very much. Did.

Mom, I'm really hungry.

Okay. Come on, sweetheart,
let's get you a snack.

Oh, hey,

if you're going to Starbucks,
can you get me another cup?

You already have one.

He needs a friend.

Chicks,

So he killed
a lot of people, Must be scary.

Pretty major sin.

Maybe it is, Dennis, but I would
go to hell for my little girl.

Our little girl.

Easy mistake to make.

You might have raised her,
but she drives me to work.

Got to get that real ID.

Okay, well,
we should probably get going.

Brian,

I'm forever in your debt.

And you're forever in my heart.

You know, being in Paris
made me think of our honeymoon.

We didn't get to see
much of the city, did we?

Spend
most of it in the hotel room.

Ooh, jetlag.

Is such a bitch.

Perhaps we should go back
some day.

Maybe see the Louvre.

Or make lose.

Don't move that

key. Kim, you forgot your bag.

Oh my God.

It's one of the traffickers.

Oh! Come here. Don't you?

What the hell?

That's my boyfriend.

Oh. Yeah. You idiot!

Did you think I was
a trafficker?

Because I'm no white.

Dennis,
what is wrong with you? Wow.

Looks like I really messed up,

I guess the important thing is
I try to be brave.

And in the end,
that's what you love

about me, isn't it, Lenore?

Good boy.

Looks like my wife's
the one who's taken

no less awkward sauce. I.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

* MacGRUBER *

* HE'S FINDING OUT THAT HONESTY

IS NOT HIS BEST POLICY *

* MacGRUBER *

* HIS FRIENDS ARE REAL

SUSPICIOUS BECAUSE HE'S BEING

QUITE EVASIVE *

* MacGRUBER *

* THE LIST IS OUT THERE

MacGRUBER *

>> MacGRUBER, THE DOOR IS

PRESSURE BOLTED SHUT.

>> LOOK AT THE PLASMA BOMB,

WE'VE ONLY GOT 42 SECONDS!

>> DON'T WORRY, GANG, WE GOT

THIS.

LOOK, I KNOW WE'RE ALL STILL

SMARTING THAT WE LOST THAT

EPSTEIN LIST.

>> GOT ANOTHER COPYRIGHT HERE,

GRUBES.

>> WHAT?

>> LIKE YOU TAUGHT ME, ALWAYS

MAKE A BACKUP.

>> GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

GOOD BOY.

>> MacGRUBER, 30 SECONDS!

>> OKAY, CONNIE, PASS ME THAT

MARKER.

>> YOU GOT IT, MacGRUBER.

>> COLTON, TOSS ME THAT RADICAL

LEFT-WING LIST.

>> ARE YOU GOING TO SHRED IT

AGAIN?

>> GIVE ME THE LIST OR I WILL

FURLOUGH YOU!

I WILL FURLOUGH YOU SO FRIGGING

HARD, YOU WON'T KNOW WHERE THE

FUR STARTS AND THE LOUGH ENDS!

>> FINE, JESUS.

>> MacGRUBER, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?

>> MAKING A FEW REDACTIONS.

>> OKAY, WE SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING

HERE.

YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY ON THE LIST.

>> ME ON THE LIST?

OH, THAT'S RICH.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT 'CAUSE

YOU'RE ON THE LIST, WHAT?

>> WHAT?

>> AH, ME.

>> YOU CAN'T JUST WRITE OUR

NAMES ON A DON'T WANT.

>> 30 SECONDS!

>> LOOK, I GET IT.

IF I WAS ON THIS LIST, AND

THERE'S NO WAY TO PROVE THAT I

AM, I'D BE FREAKING OUT TOO.

BUT YOU ARE NOT MONSTERS.

SO HEY, WHY DON'T WE JUST FORGET

ABOUT THIS LIST, HUH?

IT'S JUST A DISTRACTION, SO WHAT

DO YOU SAY?

GOOD-BYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE.

>> 30 SECONDS!

>> TO NEW BEGINNINGS, HUH?

[ LAUGHTER ]

FAULTY TIMER.

I GOT THIS.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING,

MacGRUBER?

>> GIVING YOU AND TOMMY MILLER A

FRESH START.

>> WE'RE NOT ON THE LIST!

>> YEAH, NEITHER AM I, WINK.

I'M NOT GOOD AT WINKING.

>> MacGRUBER, THAT'S NOT THE

ONLY COPY OF THE LIST.

>> WHAT NOW?

* MacGRUBER *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> ONCE AGAIN, OLIVIA DEAN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

**

* THOUGHT I WAS DONE

WITH THIS FEELING

I REALLY THOUGHT

YOU COULD BE HIM *

* THOUGHT I WAS SAFE

HMM *

* YOU WERE THE WARMTH

THAT I NEEDED

A BREEZE IN THE EVENING *

* AND THEN YOU CHANGED

YOU'RE ALL THE SAME

YEAH *

* IT'S TOO MUCH TO MEND

YOU'RE THE HUG

THAT HAD TO END *

* THOUGH I'VE TRIED

TO HOLD ON *

* AND IF YOU KNEW ME AT ALL

YOU WOULDN'T TRY

TO KEEP ME SMALL *

* MM WHO WOULD DO THAT

TO A FRIEND

LET ALONE THE ONE YOU LOVE *

**

* AND ANY CHOICE YOU HAD

WORTH MAKING

I'D PUSH YOU TO TAKE IT *

* NO QUESTIONS ASKED

NO DOUBT IN MIND *

* BUT WHEN THEY'RE MINE YEAH

YOU REACT LIKE

I'M CROSSING A LINE *

* I'M TOO MUCH TO HANDLE

AND JUST DIAL IT BACK

A BIT *

* WELL

WELL I'M NOT HAVING IT

BABE *

* IT'S TOO MUCH TO MEND

YOU'RE THE HUG

THAT HAD TO END *

* THOUGH I'VE TRIED

TO HOLD ON *

* AND IF YOU KNEW ME AT ALL

YOU WOULDN'T TRY

TO KEEP ME SMALL *

* MM WHO WOULD DO THAT

TO A FRIEND

LET ALONE THE ONE YOU LOVE *

* MM-MM-MM

MM-MM-MM

MM-MM-MM *

* MM

MM-MM

MM-MM-MM *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I am so glad we were

able to get together before
we all leave for the holidays.

I know a proper Friendsgiving.

Wait, is Melissa not coming?

Oh no. She said
she'd be a little late.

She's, getting her hair
done. Oh, okay. Fancy.

I know, I guess this, super
famous hairdresser or something.

She had to get on
some kind of list.

Wish I had money to do fun
stuff like that.

Hi. Oh, no,

I. Hello.

I hear you're

just in time,
but we have an order.

Yeah. Great.

What are you.

Great.

I'm hungry.

Ooh. Steak.

I got my hair done.

Oh, I did, yes.

And I like it.

I like it.

Yeah, it is. Beautiful.

Oh. Thank you.

John von Clark,
hairdresser. Yep.

He does. Everybody.

Celebrities. Pop stars.

It's kind of a big deal.

Well, you make it look classic.

Thank you.

Peter.

Yeah.

He said not a lot of people
could pull this off,

but I can.

I can't.

Oh, I

don't know. I'm just.

Oh, I just feel so lucky.

I'm so lucky.

I'm finally me.

Hey, y'all,
can I get you all started with.

I hate it.

I'm so sorry.

I will go
get you a different server.

Well, Melissa, I really like it.

Me too.

Me too. Yeah.

Write this down.
John Vaughn is salon blond.

He is just the best.

And just curious.

What did you tell him?
You wanted

a trim.

A trim, but you know what?

The music was so dang
loud in those places.

Oh my gosh.

Dangerously loud.

He had it, so
I just don't think he heard me.

Thank God. Because I like it.

And you said he does.

Celebrities. Oh, yeah. Babe.

Oh, yeah. He's the real deal.

I mean, gosh, he does.
What does he do, Greg?

The beast, Waxman
and the Mickey Mouse killers.

Who are the Mickey Mouse
killers?

Oh, you gotta listen to them.

John Von put me on to them.

Let's just say, if you see
four guys with this haircut

singing about killing kids,
you're at one of their concerts.

Where is this dang server?

Oh, no.

Yes. The skinny square.

That's his own
personal signature.

You know.

Melissa, I think your sister's
wedding this weekend.

Tomorrow?

Yes. I'm the maid of honor.

So it'll be fun.

Lots of pictures,
and my ex will be there.

Show him what he's missing.

Oh, he's got two children. Oh,

I'm just so excited.

I'm so excited.

Well,

I think I speak for all of us
when I say it looks awesome.

And we love it.

Oh, what do you love about it?

What do you mean?

What do you love about it?

All of it.

What specifically?

It's easier to wash.

It is?

Yes it is.

Well, actually,

funny thing is,

I don't even have
to shower anymore

because whatever chemical
he used in the hair.

Not allowed to touch water
because it causes,

Oh, it's not brain damage,
but is it passing?

Pass away.

You pass away? Oh.

So that was the waiter.

All right, everyone,
I'll be taking over your table.

Can I get you all stuff with

your hair?

Is it John von?

How did you.

We like it

* MacGRUBER *

* IT'S PRETTY CLEAR BY NOW THAT

MacGRUBER'S ON THE EPSTEIN

LIST *

* MacGRUBER *

* HE'S BEEN DOING LOTS OF

THINKING ABOUT WHERE HIS LIFE IS

TAKING HIM *

* MacGRUBER *

* ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE HIM

MacGRUBER *

>> MacGRUBER, WE'RE WELDED IN

AGAIN AND WE ONLY HAVE 30

SECONDS.

>> GUYS, BEFORE I DEFUSE THIS

BOMB, THERE'S SOMETHING YOU NEED

TO KNOW.

>> YOU'RE ON THE EPSTEIN LIST.

>> YOU'RE ON THE EPSTEIN LIST.

>> ALL OVER IT, LIKE EVERY THIRD

PAGE I'M NOT ON.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> YEAH, AND SO ARE YOU.

>> NO, WE'RE NOT.

>> LOOK, I WORKED ON THE GROUND

CREW SERVICING THE AIRCRAFT.

I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT WHAT WAS

GOING ON.

BUT I SAW A LOT OF VERY

IMPORTANT PEOPLE GETTING ON THAT

PLANE.

I SOLD THEM A LOT OF LOW-GRADE

COCAINE AND CRYSTAL.

NOW I REALIZE I HAVE NOTHING TO

FEAR 'CAUSE I'VE DONE NOTHING

WRONG.

EXCEPT DILUTING THE COCAINE WITH

PLAYGROUND SAND.

THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT

THAT LIST OUT ARE THE PEOPLE WHO

HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG.

I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT, WOULD

YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT?

>> 15 SECONDS, MacGRUBER!

>> TO THE TUNE OF "AMAZING

GREAT."

DO YOU DO BEATBOX?

>> NO.

I'LL SET MYSELF UP.

**

* RELEASE THE LIST

THAT'S ALL I GOT.

>> OKAY, WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO

TESTIFY ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU

SAW?

>> I'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET THE

TRUTH OUT THERE.

>> THAT'S SO BRAVE.

FIVE SECONDS.

>> YEAH, 'CAUSE THERE ARE A LOT

OF VERY POWERFUL PEOPLE WHO

WOULD DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING TO

KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, OFFER YOU

MONEY, PARDONS.

>> WAIT, BACK UP A LITTLE BIT.

MONEY AND PARDONS YOU'RE SAYING?

>> WILL YOU TELL ME WHO YOU SAW?

>> I SAW -- DEEZ!

* MacGRUBER *

**

**

>>> ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU TO

OLIVIA DEAN, LORNE MICHAELS, THE

AMAZING CAST.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, MITCH, THE

U.P.S. DRIVER!

FANTASTIC, ONE OF THE BEST

NIGHTS OF MY WHOLE LIFE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I APPRECIATE IT.

GOOD NIGHT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**