All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S51E05.Nikki.Glaser.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

Hello.

I'd like to thank
President Trump for having us.

Those of us
from the pharmaceutical industry

are honored to be here today
alongside RFK Jr.

And Doctor Oz.

Going to discuss.

Lowering the price of weight
loss drugs.

For years, my company, Eli
Lilly, has been at the forefront

of providing Americans
with this healing

power. Now.

Oh, I.

Didn't see you there.

Someone was dying in my office.

I think I'm playing
this very normal.

Just stand there
and stare like a sociopath.

Didn't even pretend
like I was going to help.

Like when someone drops
something

and you do the
the fake band, you know?

Oh, here,
let me help you pick that up.

Oh, you got it.

Oh, you got it. Oh,

and how about RFK?

I booked it out of here
like someone was

trying to give him a vaccine.

Brain worm, take the wheel.

That thing got a rabbit
doing him right out of the room.

Each week,
I like to create a big visual

that sort of sums up
how things are going.

Last week it was the demolishing
of the East wing.

This week it's

a medical professional,
almost dying in my Oval Office

at the mere thought
of charging less for drugs.

Maybe next week
a bald eagle will fall dead

out of the sky and splat!

Right on the white House
lawn. And by law,

and of course, I mean
big outdoor concrete floor.

How's he doing back there?

More importantly,
how's the floor?

Okay.

A guy
collapsing in the Oval Office.

Who'd have thought it'd be?
Not me.

Don't worry.

It'll be fine.
Doctor Oz is on the case.

Anyway, all in all, a
great capper to an awesome week.

Except for election.

The Democrats won.

The Lamestream media called

the elections
a rebuke of Trump's policies.

Joke's on them. They're Stephen
Miller's policies.

I don't read that stuff.

No, like you read.

I can't believe they elected
Mamdani.

We like to say Mamdani.

You know, I'm toward

because I like a winner,
but I'm not crazy about it. My.

Maybe I'll convert. Right.

But put him in line

behind Hershel Vance, and I hope
I'm pronouncing that wrong.

But our side had some wins
this week.

Two Supreme Court said we could
stop feeding poor people.

You can clap for that.

Snap,

snap.

And for those of you

who can't afford food, actually,
no you can't.

I promised grocery
prices would plummet.

And they did.
They plummeted straight up.

And people
are saying, but sure, how

will I afford my Thanksgiving
turkey for my family?

Well, good news is

your family's not coming
because other planes are gone.

We call that problem
solving problems.

Killing two birds
with another bird.

Now you got a bunch of crazy
bird.

We like it.

We like it.
That's kind of our thing.

Can't afford food?
Have some cheap ozempic.

Now you're not hungry

and you get to take one weird,
painful poop a week.

How's it going back there?

Is he dead? Are they doing that?

They got the legs up.

That means dead in cartoon.

Actually,
don't tell me if he's dead.

I want to be surprised. Anyway.

Government is still shut down.

All thanks to the Democrats
and some Republicans and

all Republicans and me.

People saying just caved on.

Give the Democrats
what they wanted in this.

But I think
we're going to drag it out.

We're going to keep
the government shut down.

And while we're at it,
we're looking into

perhaps stealing Christmas.

We'll be doing Grinch.

I like the Grinch. He's
a great guy.

You know, our wives are friends.

We play golf sometimes.

Is he okay?

He's okay.

All right, well, if you're going
to take him to get an MRI.

Here. Use this.

This is my punch card.

One more
in. The next one's free.

And for anyone worried
about the state of the country,

I'll say the same thing
I said to Melania

when she tried to help me
do my hair go away.

What I'm doing
is very complicated,

and only I know how to do it.

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT!

>> Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST SOMBR!

AND YOUR HOST, NIKKI GLASER!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- NIKKI

GLASER!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

Thank you,
thank you, thank you so much.

Hi, I am Nikki Glaser and I am
so happy to be here tonight.

This is truly a dream.
Come true.

I, I love this show so much.

And here I am in New York City,
Epstein's original island.

Oh, it's such a special night.

I got a spray tan tonight.

Thank you.

It deserves that. Thank you.

There's so many pasty
white girls who are, like,

terrified to get spray tans
because you're scared.

You're like,
I'm going to look orange.

And I just believe me,
I promise you, I promise you

it's better than what you are.

Okay?

Don't be scared.

They're always like,
I'm going to look like Trump.

I'm like, bitch.

That's why he won.

I mean, yeah,
he picked an insane shade.

It's he went pretty dark.

I mean, he didn't go Kamala,
but he picked a shade that

half of America was like, okay,
we can still tell he's

white. So

I mean, it is kind of insane
that white people can just,

like, paint their skin
a different color.

And they're like this, right?

Like, I feel like that's
cultural appropriation.

I don't know,

I mean, it's not blackface,
but it is like Guatemalan leg.

I mean, this is not my leg.

I'm like,
oh my God, Mimo is Nikki.

Look at that.

My saying that right?

I get these spray tans,
I breathe this stuff

in every week.

I am definitely going to get it

some kind of respiratory
illness from it.

I think in like 20 years
there's going to be

some epidemic called tan lung.

And I really want to be
on the commercials

for the class action lawsuit.

I think that's like
such a good gag.

I guess
it'll be so fun for you too.

You'll turn on your TV
in the middle

of the night and be like,
who is that?

I'll be like, I'm Nikki Glaser.

You may recognize me
from the row.

So Tom Brady,

it'll be like me and Snooki.

Like, that's fun

just talking through our tricks.

RFK junior out like

he's got ten long.

I mean, that's his stage, too.

I don't know, I'm.

I'm no health expert,
but neither is he.

I mean, it's just crazy.

We have to worry about our looks
so much,

and it starts
so young as a girl.

I mean, I saw this girl
the other day.

She was probably six years old,

and her dad was trying
to take a picture of her,

and he was like, Mackenzie,
look over here.

And she was like, dad,
get my good side.

Do you like to like a pull
a good side?

Six so sad
because she didn't have one.

And it's like,
when is she going to find out?

She, like, needs to
learn a trade, you know, like

hinder a wrench or do comedy.

I don't know,

I, I just think there's
so many things we do for beauty

that are important.

But then there's other ones.

I'm like, why are we doing this?

Like, who cares? Like nails.

No one cares.

Like, I've been
with my boyfriend for ten years.

He's never once noticed that

I've gotten my nails done
and they go inside him.

So if he doesn't care

who does.

The only time he cared was
when I got them

bedazzled for his pleasure.

And then he all of dumb

and going to the nail salon.

It's so boring.
It's such a waste of time.

You just sit there
for two hours, just paralyzed.

I feel like men

think we go to nail salons,
like with our girlfriends,

and we just, like, chitchat
the whole time.

But that's not the case.

You can go to the nail salon
with a friend,

but you get separated
at the border.

They do not let you sit next
to each other.

It's so anti-social.
You're just sitting there

watching
Beat Bobby Flay on mute.

You can't talk to the
woman doing your nails because

slavery, I mean, I don't know,
she seems stuck and sad.

I don't I don't know,
I think I'm just paranoid.

I'm just kind of like obsessed
in slavery recently because

every time you go
to a women's restroom,

a public women's restroom,
and you sit in the stall,

there's always a poster
on the back of the stall

that's asking you
if you're being trafficked.

Women. We have these, right?

Yes, yes.

They're in every stall.

They're in every world language.

I mean, English is really tiny,

and it's like you wish,
but it's like.

Men's bench.

But restrooms
do not have these signs.

I don't know what signs
you have.

Maybe like these signs

that are like, want to slave
like text traffic to 69, 69.

But it's really
a big fear of being trafficked.

Mostly for like Gen Z girls.

I have a lot of Gen
Z friends that I bought

and they're terrified
and I don't relate.

I'm 41.

That was like,
not a fear of mine, ever.

In my 20s, in my 20s,
I just feared

like good old fashioned rape,
you know?

Like, I didn't think
it would be a career.

We didn't think it was anything
more than a temp job

on a frat house futon.

But it's real, though.

I'm getting scared.
Like it's rubbing off on me.

Like I was out with them
recently and I was like,

what if we get trafficked
and they're like, you're good.

Then I'm like.

They're like,
we're safer when you're with us

because, you
they think you're our madam. So

you like resting Jillian face,
so just keep that on my watch

like I'm going to get it.

Sex. I'm going to get a facelift
pretty soon here.

And, my boyfriend doesn't.

Going to. He's like,
no, don't do your face.

I love your face.

Do your tits.
And I'm like, what?

That's all he cares about.
He's a short guy.

So they're like,
all he sees, I think.

I think that's
why he's focused on them.

I do date a short guy

shorter than me,
but he's like really hot.

And I honestly think that's

why I got him,

because I could never get his
face on a doll or model like I.

If you want to get
a ten in the face,

you got to go
five seven in the height.

That's the trick.

It's like getting a hot guy
on discount.

He's marked down.

I met my boyfriend at TJ Max
clearance rack.

I was hiding in it.

It's crazy.

Sometimes
I'll post a picture of us online

and I'll get comments of like,
girl, he's hot.

Like, how'd you get him?

And I'm like, if you zoomed out,

you can see he's
sitting on my lap.

So this tiny guy went
digging in the bargain bin.

Ladies.

But, yeah, girls
don't like short guys.

And, I guess it's
because you want a tall guy

so that, like,
you can feel like, oh,

he can protect me
and murder me someday.

I don't know if that's it, but
my boyfriend's shorter than me.

I've never felt like
he can't protect me.

And I am certain
he will murder me someday.

I mean, he is so filled
with rage that he's short.

I mean,
he is just simmering with anger.

And that's why
I keep our gun on the top shelf.

I mean, I can't risk that.

I need him
to go get a stepladder

and think it through. You know,

the number of times I walked

into our closet
and just seen him like, oh,

and I'm like, does
someone need to get up?

He up to get the bag bangs
to make Nikki go bye bye.

Then I give him a juice box
and he forgets why he's upset.

So we don't have kids
because I don't

want to pass down that DNA.

But it's just.

I feel like it's too
hard to be a mom.

I have too much anxiety
about it.

I mean, it's hard
even being an aunt for me.

I was staying
at my sister's house recently,

and at one point I was like,
I'm going to go take a shower

and my nephew comes running in.

He's like,
I take a shower with you.

I want to take a shower
with you.

He's 18.

I'm like, what's going on?

With his voice?

Something's wrong.

No, no.

He was he was four
and it was very cute.

And my sister was like,
you can take a shower with you.

It's fine.

He does it with us.

And I'm like, okay,
that's fine for you guys,

but are you really

okay with like an adult
showering with your child?

Like, maybe it's okay if you,
like, come and supervise.

And she was like, why?

And I was like, because
what if I molest step like.

And she was like, would you?

And I was like,
no, I would never.

That's disgusting.

But that's what I'd say if I was
going to, you know, like they

don't just anyone.

I don't even trust myself.

I don't want to go in there.
How do you become a pedophile?

You don't get to choose
what you're into, dude.

What if it's

one of those things
you don't know you like

till you get in there and you're
like, well, this is my thing.

And then it opens up
a part of my brain.

No, no, no,

I know that sounds crazy,

but there have been
so many things in my life

that I've looked at and
been like, that's disgusting.

I would never do that.

And now I'm like, pickleball
is kind of fun, actually.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WE HAVE SUCH AN INCREDIBLE SHOW

FOR YOU TONIGHT.

SOMBR IS HERE.

SO STICK AROUND, AND WE'LL BE

RIGHT BACK!

>>> I TRIED TO TELL HER, BABE,

YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO DO

THIS.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING?

I LOVE THAT YOU GUYS DO FAMILY

KARAOKE NIGHTS, THAT'S SO SWEET.

>> AWW, PETEY, I LIKE HER

ALREADY.

>> THANKS FOR COMING TO OUR

LITTLE FAMILY TRADITION.

>> I KNOW IT'S SILLY, BUT WE

LOVE IT.

>> I'M JUST EXCITED TO MEET YOU

GUYS.

>> ALL RIGHT, PARTY PEOPLE,

DEEJAY FIG-A-LICIOUS ON THE MIC.

IF YOU ARE THE OWNER OF A 2004

COROLLA, PLEASE TALK TO ME, I'M

CONSIDERING BUYING ONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT, NOW GIVE IT UP FOR

BECKY AND PETEY!

>> WAIT, YOU PUT IN OUR SONG

ALREADY?

>> YOU KNOW I DID, LITTLE BRO,

GET UP THERE.

>> OH, MY GOD.

I'M SORRY, BABE, DUTY CALLS.

>> HAVE FUN!

**

>> THIS IS FOR MY BABY BROTHER.

I LOVE YOU, BUDDY.

* AND I'D GIVE UP FOREVER TO

TOUCH YOU *

* 'CAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU FEEL ME

SOMEHOW *

OH, I FEEL IT.

* YOU'RE THE CLOSEST TO HEAVEN

I'LL EVER BE AND I DON'T WANT TO

GO HOME RIGHT NOW *

>> NEVER.

>> GO, KIDS!

* ALL I CAN SEE IS THIS MOMENT *

* AND ALL I CAN BREATHE IS YOUR

LIFE *

* AND SOONER OR LATER IT'S OVER

I JUST DON'T WANT TO MISS YOU

TONIGHT *

* AND I DON'T WANT THE WORLD TO

SEE ME 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK THAT

SHE'D UNDERSTAND *

>> ME?

* WHEN EVERYTHING'S MADE TO BE

BROKEN I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

WHO I AM *

* I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I

AM *

>> I DO.

>> I KNOW YOU DO.

>> WHOO!

>> HECK YEAH!

HECK YEAH!

>> AND THEY'RE FULL SIBLINGS?

>> OH, YEAH.

VERY FULL.

>> GO, KIDS!

>> ALL RIGHT, GIVE IT UP FOR

BECKY AND PETEY.

AND NEXT UP, OH-OH -- IT'S PETEY

AND BECKY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHAT?

OH, MY GOSH.

DID YOU PUT ONE IN TOO?

>> OF COURSE I DID, SIS, COME

ON.

>> OH, MY GOSH.

* I'LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU LIKE YOU

WANT ME TO *

* AND I'LL HOLD YOU TIGHT BABY

ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT *

* I'LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU *

>> SO PETEY SAYS YOU'RE ON

WEGOVY.

>> WHAT?

SORRY, I'M A LITTLE DISTRACTED.

HE'S KIND OF HUMPING HIS SISTER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST

SAY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> BABE, WE WERE JUST DANCING.

>> NO, NO.

I GET IT, GIRL.

IT'S OKAY.

PETE AND I HAVE ALWAYS JUST BEEN

BEST FRIENDS.

AND WE JUST LOVE SINGING SONGS

THAT WE GREW UP LISTENING

TOGETHER.

>> YEAH, I MEAN, WE'VE ALWAYS

BEEN SUPER CHOSE.

WE SHARED A BEDROOM TILL SHE

LEFT FOR COLLEGE.

>> OH, THAT'S LATE, NO?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YEAH, PUT IT WAS FINE.

WHEN I TURNED 17, WE GOT

SEPARATE BEDS.

>> THE WORST.

>> THE WORST.

>> WHAT?

WHAT?

>> SPEAKING OF CLOSE, IT'S

DADDY-DAUGHTER TIME.

COME ON!

>> OH, MY GOSH, DAD, YOU DIDN'T

PICK THE SONG WE DANCED TO AT MY

WEDDING, DID YOU?

>> I SURE DID, SWEETHEART.

HIT IT, DEEJAY!

* BABY WHEN WE'RE GRINDING I GET

SO EXCITED *

* HOW I LIKE IT I CAN'T HIDE

IT *

* OH YA DANCING REAL CLOSE AND

SWAY IS REAL SLOW *

>> I MISS GRANDMA.

>> ME TOO.

* YOU'RE MAKING IT HARD FOR ME.

>> THIS IS MAKING ME FEEL WEIRD,

I'M JUST GOING TO GO.

>> WHY, WHY?

>> NO, NO, LET HER GO.

SHE JUST MAD THAT YOU TWO ARE SO

CLEARLY SEXUALLY SATISFIED AND

IN LOVE.

>> NO, NO, NO, WE'RE BROTHER AND

SISTER.

>> YOU THE HECK SAY WHAT, NOW?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY, WAIT.

WHY DON'T I JUST DO A SONG, JUST

ME, FOR MY BABY GIRL?

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

GET UP HERE.

HIT IT, DEEJAY.

>> THE SONG THAT YOU TOLD ME WAS

SPECIFICALLY RESERVED FOR YOU TO

SING TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND NOT

YOUR FREAKY DEAKY SISTER?

>> YES, DEEJAY FREAK-A-LICIOUS.

>> ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT IT,

PLAYBOY.

**

* YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME *

>> WHAT?

NO, NO!

* YOU GOT A FRIEND IN ME *

>> YOU FEEL LIKE FAMILY ALREADY,

SIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> ARE YOU ANXIOUS,

OVERWHELMED?

HAVE YOU STOPPED FEELING LIKE

YOURSELF?

ARE YOU OVERCOME WITH AN INTENSE

FEELING OF FOREBODING AND DREAD?

IF SO, YOU MAY BE ONE OF THE

MANY CELEBRITIES WHO ARE

SCHEDULED TO DANCE THROUGH THE

JENNIFER HUDSON SPIRIT TUNNEL.

**

>> I LOVE JENNIFER HUDSON.

BUT AS AN UNCOORDINATED WHITE

WOMAN, I FELT TRAPPED.

I'D TRIED PRACTICING, BUT

EVERYTHING I CAME UP WITH LOOKED

CAREER-ENDING.

POINTING.

SHOULDER SHRUG.

DRUNK AUNT AT A WEDDING.

I EVEN TRIED TO PUT MY ASS INTO

IT.

BUT I DON'T HAVE ONE.

I JUST KEPT IMAGINING MYSELF IN

THAT TUNNEL.

* COME ON NIKKI YOU'RE SO FINE

YOU'RE SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND

HEY NIKKI HEY NIKKI *

>> IT FELT LIKE THERE WAS NO WAY

OUT.

THAT'S WHEN MY DOCTOR TOLD ME

ABOUT HUDSICILLIN.

HUDSICILLIN IS THE

ONLY MEDICATION PROVED TO KILL

TUNNEL ANXIETY.

NOT BY MAKING YOUR BODY AWAY BIT

BY MAKING YOU SO VIOLENTLY ILL.

YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO

CANCEL.

IT WORKS FAST, MAYBE TOO FAST.

30 SECONDS AFTER MY FIRST DOSE,

I WAS SHAKING ON THE BATHROOM

FLOOR.

NOT KNOWING WHICH END OF ME TO

AIM AT THE TOILET.

THAT'S BECAUSE HUDSICILLIN IS

MADE FROM A GENTLE BLEND OF E.

COLI, INFLUENZA, C. DIFF.

AND RANCID BUTTERMILK.

I FINALLY HAVE MY LIFE BACK.

AND NOW MY SPOT IN THE TUNNEL

CAN GO TO SOMEONE WHO REALLY

WANTS IT.

* HEY HEY HEY *

THANKS, HUDSICILLIN.

WHAT'S THE ALTERNATIVE?

LIGHTENING UP AND BEING FUN?

GOOD LUCK.

Walt Disney Studios invites you

to return to a tale
as old as time pop.

Thank goodness you're okay.

Oh, Belle,
what are you doing here?

You must leave now.

Why? I came to rescue you.

Oh, no, Belle, it's not safe.

The prince who owns this castle

was cursed to become a terrible
beast.

I'll do anything to save you,
father.

I'll take your. Place.

Oh, Belle, you don't understand.

He's not just any beast. He's.

He's Mr.

Beast.

I'm giving her
dad trapped in a dungeon

for 30 days for a chance
to win over $300,000.

Disney's Beauty and Mr.

Beast.

I don't.

Know.

For every pound

he loses, I'll give a Tesla
to a random stranger.

What are you doing? This.

Why haven't you heard?

He used to be a handsome prince
until he was cursed by a witch.

He woke up the next morning
ranting and raving about sending

the world's largest man
to the world's smallest island.

And you were cursed
too. Oui, oui.

I was.

And if I lived for one year
as a clock, I get $2,500.

No, wait a minute.

I'm just realizing
that's not a lot of money.

But please, that was.

I don't judge our master too
harshly.

He is a man of taste.

Look at his art.

From the executive producers

who thought nobody sees
movies anymore.

So that's it.

Hail Mary and the director
of Kaisen Ads, Kai.

So, Blanca.

I know what happens
when the last panel falls.

A man in Albany has to eat 500
soft shell crabs.

I don't know why,
but I feel like I could spend

eight hours listening to you.

Well, that is because now
you're depressed.

You're depressed.

And lapped up on your chest.

Watch your games.

Forget your stress.

You're depressed.

I don't get it.

Says every person over 25.

And I'm building the largest
Lego tower in the world.

Raves Mr. Beast.

I just

know there's
a tender heart under there. I.

I think I love you, beast.

Really?

Even though my top half is beast
and my bottom half

is completely smooth.

I guess I didn't know
about that.

Dance with me, Belle.

Tale as old as time.

Squid game for that team.

Live in a CVS. Yes.

It's for a chance to win
a Lamborghini.

Oh, beast!

I want to marry you.

Really?

A beast like me.

Okay, I will marry you, Belle.

If you get to live for 30 days
in a smart car

with these two greased up
sumo wrestlers.

And you're.

You're a billionaire, you said.

Sure am

Well, then I guess I'll try.

Beauty and the Beast

Disney's Beauty and Mr.

Beast

If you're like

me, you grew up treasuring
your American Girl doll.

I held on to Samantha Partington
till I was almost 12.

But as we mature as women,
our dolls

don't mature along with us
until now.

Introducing American girl XL,
the same high quality,

lovingly crafted dolls,
but larger and all grown up.

Just like you.

My Teresa doll has the most
inspiring job of all.

Teacher.

With Suzanne by my side, I know
justice will always be served.

And Jessica, here is a nurse.

How cool is that?

She takes such good care of me.

And just like our regular dolls,

our XL dolls have incredible
attention to detail.

Just look

at the stitching on my doll suit
and all the cool patches

on my astronaut. Doll
and my dolls feet.

So lifelike.

But what's really important
are their stories.

Suzanne here was the first
female judge in Missouri.

I made up my own backstory
for Jessica.

She's from Lithuania.

No. She's American.

Well, she is now

mine, hates her dad,
and she wants to be a singer.

That's
why her mouth is always open.

The point is, American Girl

XL dolls
will inspire women of all ages.

And you can even design your own
based on historical figures.

Mine looks like Rosie
the Riveter.

Mine looks like Amelia Earhart.

Mine looks like my brother's
wife.

No, they're supposed to.

Be historical figures.

That's right.

Abigail
here is from colonial times.

That's
why your hands churn butter.

Are you here with somebody?

Maybe you're your daughter.
Or close.

My dad.

Mine's an Olympic skiers.

I really don't like that.

And the best part
is. Who are you?

You can take the clothing
from your regular

American Girl doll
and use it on your Excel doll.

Okay. Please never do that.
Why would you do this?

Because it's fun
and we're in love.

And their hair is super strong.

And you can mix
and match their parts.

I made my bracelet.

And if you fold in half,

she fits right
into the dishwasher.

Hey, I'm gonna trade
for a little while.

I'd love that. Okay.

That's it.

We're shutting the store down.

American girl Excel.

We made an Excel mistake, honey.

Slow down.

That's your third martini.

Here, have some of your hot dog.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LET'S

HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME FOR

ALEXIS!

>> OH, MY GOD, THAT WAS SO

CRAZY.

>> WHAT'S CRAZY IS THAT I'M

GETTING MARRIED IN TWO WEEKS.

>> AHH!

>> I WISH IT WAS TO ME.

OOPS, I SAID THAT OUT LOUD.

I'LL BE LEAVING NOW.

>> OKAY.

BYE!

YOU GUYS, THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.

WAIT -- WHERE ARE KAYLA AND

DELULAH?

>> OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE ON THE

BULL.

>> HI, GIRLIES!

>> YEE-HAW, YOU GUYS!

>> ONE AT A TIME, PLEASE, AND

YOU'RE MUCH TOO DRUNK.

>> NO, WE'RE NOT.

>> I ONLY HAD A MARTINI WITH A

TWIST.

>> AND THE TWIST, I HAD FOUR

MARGARITAS.

>> LET'S GET THIS DONKEY MOVING,

Y'ALL!

>> YEAH!

>> IT IS NOT A DONKEY.

ANDRE, DO NOT START THAT BULL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HM.

ON THE ONE HAND, I KNOW I'M NOT

SUPPOSED TO DO THIS.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND -- I WOULD

LIKE TO SEE TWO BUXOM BABES

BEING BUCKED AROUND ON A BRONCO.

I CALL THIS "ANDRE'S DILEMMA."

DILEMMA SOLVED.

I WILL DO IT.

>> AAH!

>> AAH!

>> ANDRE!

WHAT SETTING DID YOU PUT IT ON?

>> OH MY DEAR GOODNESS ME, I AM

AFRAID IN MY TITILLATED STATE I

ACCIDENTALLY SET IT TO "BON

VOYAGE."

>> NOOOOOOO!

**

**

>> WHOO!

* SO JUST LIKE THAT THEY STARTED

THEIR QUEST TWO BLOTTO BIMBOS

HEADED WEST *

* RIDING ACROSS THE USA WITH ALL

THE SIGHTS TO SEE *

>> THERE IT IS!

* COPS ON THE HIGHWAY COULDN'T

DECIDE IF THE SITUATION WAS A

DUI *

* JUST TWO DRUNK BITCHES ON A

RUNAWAY MECHANICAL BULL *

>> I'M HUNGRY!

>> OPEN OUR MOUTHS FOR SOME

BUGS.

>> GOOD IDEA.

OH, OH!

BEES!

AND A BIRD!

* SO THEY SAW THE OLD FAITHFUL

THEN SWALLOWED GRAND CANYON

DIRT *

* SAW USHER IN VEGAS AND GOT

SOILED PANTIES *

* ATE CHEESE IN WISCONSIN WHICH

THEY THOUGHT WAS DEMOLISH THEN

WENT TO NIAGARA GOT SLAPPED BY A

FISH *

* WHERE THE BIRD AND BEES AND

A BIG BLOCK OF CHEESE *

* JUST TWO DUMB BITCHES *

* ON A RUNAWAY MECHANICAL BULL *

>> WE'RE NOT DUMB, WE WENT TO

COLLEGE.

>> I WENT TO UTI.

WAIT -- I HAVE A UTI.

* THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY

WERE CROSSING THE OCEAN *

* AND THE NAVY PICKED UP SOME

SUSPICIOUS MOTION *

AND THEIR SOFTWARE IDENTIFIED

THEM AS HOSTILE *

>> THIS IS U.S. SOUTHERN

COMMAND, WE'RE CLEAR TO FIRE ON

BOGEYS.

>> HI!

>> ROGER THAT, LAUNCHING

HELLFIRE MISSILES.

>> OOH!

>> OOH!

* WITH THE MILITARY AND THE BIRD

AND THE BEES AND THE BIG BLOCK

OF CHEESE *

*

* JUST TWO WORLD-TRAVELING

BITCHES AND A BULL GOING THE

SPEED OF LIGHT *

>> LOOK, TWO MINUTES AGO!

>> OH-OH, THINGS ARE GETTING

WEIRD.

* SO I WENT BACK IN TIME TO

ITALY AND MET GALILEO GALILEI *

* AND TOLD HIM THE EARTH

REVOLVES AROUND THE SUN *

>> YOU'RE COMING WITH US, BIG

FELLA.

* THEY TRAVELED BACK FARTHER

TO LINEAR SPACE AND COMMUNICATED

WITH ANOTHER RACE *

* THEN GOT HIT BY ANOTHER FISH

AND A BUCKET OF WATER *

>> THAT ISN'T NECESSARY.

>> COOL!

* GALILEO GALILEI AND THE

MILITARY AND THE BIRDS AND THE

BEES AND A BIG BLOCK OF CHEESE *

* JUST TWO TRAVELING BITCHES ON

AND A MAN WHO LOST HIS JOB

ANDRE *

* ANDRE ANDRE *

HA HA HA!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SOMBR.

**

**

**

* I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE

FROM THE HOURS OF 12 TO 12

I AM NOT THE LEAST COMPELLED

BY ANYONE BUT YOURSELF *

* LOOK AT ME

IT MAKES ME MELT

I KNOW YOU WANNA

SEE ME IN HELL *

* MY LOVE I'M DEALING WITH

THE CARDS I'VE DEALT

WHILE YOU'RE DANCING

WITH SOMEBODY ELSE *

* WAS IT ALWAYS IN YOUR PLAN

TO LEAVE EVENTUALLY *

* BECAUSE TO ME

THERE'S NO ONE ELSE

THAT COULD MAKE SENSE TO ME *

* THE LAST AND FINAL

PUZZLE PIECE *

* IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE

I LOOK FOR YOU *

* WOULD YOU AVOID ME OR

WOULD YOU LOOK FOR ME TOO *

* TELL ME

IS OUR STORY THROUGH

OR DO OUR HEARTS

STILL BEAT IN TUNE *

**

**

**

* I'VE NEVER FELT ANYTHING

LIKE THE LOVE

FROM MY FINAL DAYS *

* WHY'D YOU WAIT

TO SHOW ME

YOU COULD DO IT THIS WAY *

* WHOO

I'LL NEVER LOOK AT YOU

LOOK AT YOU THE SAME *

* WE MET IN THE PARIS CAFE

I SAID CAN I SIT WITH YOU

COMMA CA SE FAIT

MY MISTAKE OHH *

* IF I'D KNOWN IT

WOULD HAVE BEEN THIS WAY

I'D NEVER LOOKED AT YOU

LOOKED IN THE FIRST PLACE *

* WAS IT ALWAYS IN YOUR PLAN

TO LEAVE EVENTUALLY *

* BECAUSE TO ME

THERE'S NO ONE ELSE

THAT COULD MAKE SENSE TO ME *

* THE LAST AND FINAL

PUZZLE PIECE *

>> I SAID ONE, TWO, THREE, LET'S

GO.

* IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE

I LOOK FOR YOU

WOULD YOU AVOID ME OR

WOULD YOU LOOK FOR ME TOO *

* TELL ME

IS OUR STORY THROUGH THROUGH

OR DO OUR HEARTS

STILL BEAT IN TUNE *

* MAYBE I'M DELUSIONAL

AND THE WAY YOU ACT IS USUAL

MAYBE IN ANOTHER WORLD

I WON'T FEEL SO UNLOVABLE *

* OHH-OH

OH OHH-OH OH *

* IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE

I LOOK FOR YOU

WOULD YOU AVOID ME OR

WOULD YOU LOOK FOR ME TOO *

* TELL ME

IS OUR STORY THROUGH

OR DO OUR HEARTS

STILL BEAT IN TUNE *

* IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE

I LOOK FOR YOU

WOULD YOU AVOID ME OR

WOULD YOU SEE ME THROUGH *

* TELL ME

IS OUR STORY THROUGH

OR DO OUR HEARTS

STILL BEAT IN TUNE *

COME ON!

**

**

**

**

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update

with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Good evening. Everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update I'm
Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

A pharmaceutical

executive collapsed
in the Oval Office on Thursday.

And speaking of pharmaceuticals,
whatever

they've got Trump on,
I want some

because just look how chill
he is during all of this.

He's just standing there.

He's literally this meme.

The craziest part is that

during the commotion, RFK
Jr just runs away.

Watch this.

Watch this. Gordon?

You okay?

Just how suspicious is that?

That's a weird move.

Don't worry.

By the way, the man who
collapsed is totally okay.

You can tell,

because if there's something
dead on the ground, RFK eats it.

On Tuesday,
Zoran Mamdani was elected mayor,

A lot of us got a lot of Sliva

Fans.

He was elected mayor

despite his opponent,
Andrew Cuomo,

receiving endorsements from
Donald Trump and Eric Adams,

which is like trying
to bring a girl home by saying,

not to brag,
but I have hepatitis B and C.

Andrew Cuomo spent the last day
before the election campaigning

around the city in a white Ford
Bronco, which is what O.J.

Simpson
used to get away from police.

But at least O.J.

was ahead in the race
for a while.

Oh, stop.

Republican Curtis Lee

conceded the mayoral race
on Tuesday

in front of a crowd of his most
loyal supporters.

Squirrels.

Conservative critics
have been calling

Laura Mamdani a far left radical
as well as a jihadist.

But he can't be far left
and a jihadist.

I mean,
what do you think he's going

to do, turn ISIS into racist?

This is
really hard on that country.

Okay,
so the Supreme Court on Friday

temporarily allowed the Trump
administration

to withhold snap benefits,
including food stamps.

And we actually have footage
of Trump

finding out he does not have
to pay the benefits.

Democrat Abigail
Spanberger has been elected

as Virginia's
first ever female governor.

Defeating Republican
Winsome Sears, who will now

have to change her name
to lose some early years.

President Trump said
that he will only negotiate

with Democrats

when they agree

to reopen the government, adding
that he would not be extorted

except that one time he famously
got extorted by that mattress.

Actress Stormy Daniels.

Trump also reacted to news
that Prince Andrew lost

the title of Prince
over ties to Jeffrey Epstein,

saying he feels badly
for the royal family.

Trump even sent Prince
Andrew a card to cheer him up.

Hey, hang in there.

Four minutes to go.

New Mexico
has become the first state

in the country to offer its
residents free childcare,

which will be provided
by nannies from Old Mexico.

A video has gone
viral of a man in Mexico

coming up behind

President Claudia Sheinbaum and
trying to kiss and grope her.

So no, he's not taking the loss.

Well.

Starbucks has begun

selling the new Glass
Barista Cold Cup,

which is the most adorable way

to smoke crack
in their bathroom.

Tom Brady announced
that his current dog is actually

a clone of his previous dog,
who passed away two years ago.

Brady also revealed
that during his career,

he went through eight gronk's.

Scientists have posted
a new video of a pod of orcas

attacking and killing
a group of baby sharks.

So I guess we were
right to put them in prison.

A new

poll finds that nearly

30% of Gen Zers think
that paying with cash is cringe,

even when I crumple it up
for them.

Wow. A husband and wife from
Miami have been named

the world's oldest

married couple, with a combined
age of 216 years,

which sounds really sweet until
you realize the husband is 200.

Lionsgate has released
the first trailer

for Michael, the upcoming biopic
about Michael Jackson,

and like Jackson, it starts out
very dark but ends in a much

lighter tone.

Some thinkers.

Officials in Ireland, are saying

that reports of a lion
wandering in the woods

was actually just a dog
with a new haircut.

Ireland I guess we are

pretty drunk.

Well,
the New York Times recently ran

an article

calling the Staten Island Ferry

that I purchased
with Steve Davidson.

He calls it a money
losing fiasco.

With more on this is David.

Thank you.

All right.

Welcome back.

Thank you. Colin. Colin.

You're looking
great as ever. Che.

Starting to crack. Whoa!

So sorry.

So, yeah, in case you're
wondering why I had to do a show

in Saudi
Arabia, we're losing millions

on this ferry.

I assume that's what
the article says.

I can't spend $5 on a paywall
when I got a kid on the way, so.

Oh. That's right. Yeah.

Congrats, Pete. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Thank you. Yeah.

I'm just.

I'm just excited to be a dad,
you know,

and give it all the energy

and enthusiasm
I never had for this show.

Oh. I will tell you
on the other side,

I definitely prefer
having a kid to a ferry.

I mean, what
are you really worried about?

You know, you have a great job,

and your Uncle Robert
is the HHS secretary, right?

For the
last time, Pete, I'm not.

I'm not a candidate.

Okay,

look, I actually,
I understand RFK.

You know, I wouldn't be famous
without my dad dying, either.

Thank God that happens.

I wouldn't trade it.

Well.

All right.

We even gave the boat
a new name.

You know,
we thought the Staten Island

ferry sounded too depressing.

So now it's called
the Titanic 2

That's right.

And it's actually going
very well.

Recently,
we got paid by Nike to put an

ad on it for the New York City
Marathon. Absolutely.

Yeah, exactly.

If Lorne Michaels has taught us
anything, it's that you never,

ever give up.

Even if everyone says
the time has come

and Tina
Fey is ready to take over.

Yeah.

No, I.

Actually
I actually have a great idea

to make this ferry
more of a success.

Oh, great.

As you know, we just had
a mayoral election, which is my.

Yeah, it's
my least favorite kind of oral.

That's a classic beat

here.

Beat back baby.

You're adding.

You're adding. New bits.

Now you've been gone for years.

Yeah, it's now this and Chad.

Yeah. So.

Okay, so anyway,
we just had an election,

and if you don't mind,

I have a message for everyone

who did not vote
for our new mayor.

Hey, Staten Islanders.

Did you promise
to move out of New York

if mom Danny won,

but have too many warrants
in new Jersey

and not enough guns for Florida?

Well,
welcome to new Staten Island.

It has everything
that makes Staten Island great.

The pizza.

That was the whole list? Yup.

New Staten island.

We, we can't call it
the Titanic anymore,

since the people on this ship

will actually
love running into ice.

And break up.

Yeah, I still got it.

I just feel like it's
going to be a big year for us.

I think so too.

I couldn't be more excited.

And my point is,
look, the ferry, it's fine.

Sometimes the news just makes
things seem worse than they are.

You know,

like how everyone was sure
certain people would be exposed

and ruined
for being on the Epstein list.

Right.

But, look, it's 2025, and all
three of us are still up here.

It's everyone.

Goodnight!

Yay! Motion passes.

Okay, guys.

So the theme of our Delta Gamma

Thanksgiving
party will be Pilgrim Health

and respectful representation
of indigenous people.

All right, guys,
next action item.

This is pretty serious.

Okay,
I got an email from the Greek

Life advisor,
and apparently another sorority

just learned
one of their pledges

was actually a frat guy
in a hyperrealistic girl mask.

What?

Yeah.

Now, that is so weird.

I know,

they asked us
to just stay vigilant.

Okay, so I'm just asking you
if you see anything.

Just say something, okay?

So I don't want to, like,
call someone out or whatever,

but I think someone in our
sorority might be a frat party

and a hyper realistic mask.
Like what?

No way. So.

I think.

It's Alissa.

Oh. Oh, wait. Me.

Are you crazy?

So mean. Shame on you, Maddie.

That's messed up.

Yeah.

What the hell?

Matty, have
some respect for your sister.

Sorry.

You said say something
if you saw something strange.

Okay, well, just say it, Matty.

You think Alissa is ugly?

Oh, how to the absolute
dare you?

Don't say candies.

Don't judge people's looks.

Did you forget our motto?

Don't judge people's us.

We judge people by how much
money their parents make.

Okay. Yeah.

This isn't about Alyssa, Maddie.

It's about you.

You are my new sisters.

You were awful to me last year.

And now. You're accusing her
of being a frat guy.

In a mask?

That's disgusting.

Stop them!

Hey, do you see how she eats?

That is not normal. Hey,

you're just jealous of what
an amazing person Alyssa is.

Her contribution to Delta
Gamma is unmatched.

She's already.

She's just a first year,
and she has already planned

not one, not two, but 15
bikini carwash fundraisers.

Power.

Don't you think it's suspicious
that she never participated?

She's allergic to the sun.

It's just safer for her

to watch from the garage
wearing sunglasses with a

pile of towels on her lap.

I'm sorry, Maddie,
but you're serious.

Rejected due to lack of proof.

Can my proof
be her vaping right now?

The smoke is coming
out of her eye holes.

How do you explain this?

It just doesn't.

Maddie, stop.

You're making what's inside.

Look.

Maybe I should just go.

Can we just take a moment and
look at what's inside her purse?

A huge, unopened
box of maxi pads, a Beanie Baby

one, a framed photo of Hillary
Clinton and.

And that looks like
what a stupid guy

would think girls have in their
purse.

I can slap this bitch.

Jesus.

This discussion is over.
All right.

Meeting adjourned.

Oh, God. Give me. My purse.

Okay.

I'm so sorry for all of this,
Alyssa.

It's okay.

Oh my God.

I'm going to pass out
in this thing.

Alyssa.

I can explain.

No need.

Secret's safe with.

Me, man.

Brad.

Brad.

Brad. Brad and his dad.

Yeah.

I'm divorced.

I was actually, like,
if anyone wants that.

Brad not gonna sit in your room,
play video games all weekend.

All right.

Come on.

Let's go outside.

Okay.

I'm serious, bud.

Come on. Say good
bye to your friends, okay.

I just literally need
one second. One.

Anyone have a shield, Jack?

All right,
give me the thing. Okay.

Sorry, fellas. Brad's got to go.

Hey, first of all, you
never call someone that word.

Second of all, it makes no sense
because I'm white.

Fourth jackass.

All right,
get your shoes on, bud.

Took you someplace fun. Where?

Why do I keep doing this stuff?

Time to all of the playground.

No you're not.

You're ten. I'm 11.

I know.

Well. Come on. Go down! Slide!

Head first, head first up.

All right. Feet first is good.

Food first. Fun.

All right.

Carry on.

They skate in my skin.

All right.

Scoot. Brad. Scoot.

Yeah.

Maybe
you are too big for this guy.

Look what I found, Bud.

All right. Run out ten yards.

Fake right there. Go left.
I'll hit you on the cross.

You ready?

One sack.

Okay.

We got to go on.

Hike, Bud. Hike!

Look at me. Look at me.

Hey! Hey!

You're all right.

You're all right.

You're.

Well.

That's funny.

Oh, Brad, what the heck is this?

Whoa! Is that a drone?

Yeah, I got it for you.

There you go.

Look, just remember
gentle movements

on the controller, okay?

I know.

Dammit

There's a guy left on my hill.

Nice. What's up?

That's your mom on phone
with you, buddy.

I love you.

I love you, too, dad.

I love you more than your mom
does when I said that.

But it's true.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye dad, bye son.

Oh. Son of a bitch

Brad.

Gosh, I feel like
we've been sitting here forever.

I know we were supposed
to take off a half hour ago.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we do apologize for the delay.

As you know,
the government shutdown

has affected
the flights around the country.

I'm not blaming anyone, Mamdani,
but we're doing our things.

The best thing is to move.

You guys once around again.

So we do apologize.
And thank you.

God, this absolutely stinks.

Hey, ladies and gentlemen,
from the flight deck,

this is your captain speaking.

Just got word from the, tower.

It's going to be a little bit
longer here on the tarmac.

Probably in about 15 minutes.

I'll come back on and tell you
it's going to be two more hours.

Good news is fine
weather coming out of Cleveland.

Should be a smooth flight
once we get up in the air.

I'm telling you,
we're going to be here forever.

Truth be told.

Can't
wait to get to Cleveland myself.

Going to be meeting up
with a young lady out there.

I met her on the apps.

Always said I wouldn't
do the apps, but last night

I got a little rum in me,
and I said, what the hell?

Copilot Richie here
set me up with the profile.

That's right.

You better get no credit,
because if you follow my lead,

you're going to be
swimming in it.

That's wonderful. Reggie.

I already matched with a cute,

Yeah,
it's a cute, about a 7.5 girls.

Sort of my sweet spot.

Well,
out of my range, but, table,

just kind of a risky text.

She said happened in the shower,
and I said without me.

Haha.

Milky covering eyes.

It's been about 20 minutes.

No response.
Spinning out a little bit.

Sure. It's fine.

Get an update soon.

Sit back.

Okay.

Well that's insane.

I know.

She's totally leading him
on, hopping in the shower.

Ooh, I'm a little naked lady.

Hope I don't get bubbles on my
boobies.

Whore!

Oh my God.

Ladies and gentlemen,
for the flight to camp Dave.

Looks like we got about,
576 planes in front of us.

But the good news is,
man in the tower says he's on

top of it.

Bad news is, by it,
I mean the tower itself.

Couple people
trying to talk him down.

But we should have you
in Cleveland by Christmas.

It's November 8th.

And, And even worse news,
I decided to double tax.

Not gonna
lie, it's, it's pretty bad.

Sent a gif of Jack Nicholson,

knocking down the door
in the Shining

fox hat in.

Captioned it me
if I was there right now.

Hated it as soon as I sent it.

Man, I told you already you need
to say this girl is, Yeah.

Okay, well that's colorful.

Folks, fight that cat over here.

Basically, the gist of,

Richie's pitch
was something about slathering

a certain part of her body
in butter

and crack
and rubbing like a crab leg.

Don't think I'll touch that.

If you have any ideas, please
let a flight attendant know.

Please hit that call
button. Otherwise,

sit back, enjoy flight.

Take this case unraveling.

I don't know, it
sounds kind of hot to me.

Wouldn't mind

you chopping down the door
to see me in the shower.

To see what?

Something I see for free
every day. No, thank you.

Folks, when the flight came
over here from the flight deck.

Update from the tower. No news.

No news from the tower.

Update from my text saga.

She, just posted on her stories,
so she is on her phone, and,

Well, I am in hell.

I'm telling you, man,
I need to say.

Is word for word. Is, Right.

Well,
I can't say any of those words.

You know, I would love to hear
a woman's perspective.

You know, maybe even a gay guy.
One of the nice ones, though.

Not, not a Jim
gay sort of all about his body.

What a nice one.

You know, a modern family type.

You know what?

Maybe even an older
African-American gentleman.

That might be nice.
Kind of a grown ass man type.

Seen it all from both sides.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, the.

Captain has requested
the help of a woman.

Not mean gay
or a grown and sexy black man.

Once again, any woman kind gays
or Billy Dee Williams types.

Please hit your call button now.
Thank you.

Can we please just go already?

Hey, folks. Captain
Dave from the flight deck.

Big news.

She texted back. And get this.

She loved my text and, yeah,
she in, so

I think I'm just going to take
this thing on the highway.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, SOMBR.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

* TOUCH MY BODY TENDER

'CAUSE THE FEELING

MAKES ME WEAK *

* KICKING OFF THE COVERS

I SEE THE CEILING

WHILE YOU'RE LOOKING

DOWN AT ME *

* HOW CAN WE GO

BACK TO BEING FRIENDS

WHEN WE JUST SHARED A BED *

* HOW CAN YOU LOOK

AT ME AND PRETEND

I'M SOMEONE

YOU'VE NEVER MET *

**

**

* IT WAS LAST DECEMBER

YOU WERE LAYIN'

ON MY CHEST *

* I STILL REMEMBER

I WAS SCARED TO TAKE A BREATH

DIDN'T WANT YOU

TO MOVE YOUR HEAD *

* HOW CAN WE GO

BACK TO BEING FRIENDS

WHEN WE JUST SHARED A BED

YEAH *

* HOW CAN YOU LOOK

AT ME AND PRETEND

I'M SOMEONE

YOU'VE NEVER MET *

* THE DEVIL IN YOUR EYES

WON'T DENY THE LIES

YOU'VE SOLD *

* I'M HOLDING ON TOO TIGHT

WHILE YOU LET GO

THIS IS CASUAL

OHH-OH OH *

* HOW CAN WE GO

BACK TO BEING FRIENDS

WHEN WE JUST SHARED A BED

YEAH *

* HOW CAN YOU LOOK

AT ME AND PRETEND

I'M SOMEONE

YOU'VE NEVER MET *

* HOW CAN WE GO

BACK TO BEING FRIENDS

WHEN WE JUST SHARED A BED

YEAH *

* HOW CAN YOU LOOK

AT ME AND PRETEND

I'M SOMEONE

YOU'VE NEVER MET

* OOH

SOMEONE YOU'VE NEVER MET

YEAH

SOMEONE YOU'VE NEVER MET *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

As a child, Anna
would venture through the door

in the big oak tree
to visit her friends

and make believe meadow.

But as she grew older,
she visited less and less.

And when Anna was grown,
she made one last visit

to say goodbye.

My special friends, I'm
going to miss you all so much.

I will miss you too, Anna.

But we will always be
with you in here.

Oh, yeah. Thank you. Even

before I go, I want to give
each of you a gift.

Just as a thank you
for all of our adventures.

Snip and derby.

Yes. Yes. Anna. Anna.

You taught me
to look at the world

with a sense of wonder.

So I got you
this thing called a pinwheel.

Oh, wow.

Oh, and where am I now? Wow.

I know, look, it's spinning.

Anna! Anna,
look at the pinwheel.

I know, I. Know,
I get it. It's neat.

Yeah. Wow.

The pinwheel has so many colors.

Anna.

Anna,
you can move it with your hands.

Anna.

I love the pinwheel so much.

Anna. Anna.

I'm so glad you like them
so much.

More than I thought
you would. Honestly.

Thank you.

And thank you and Miss

Beaven and Piff.

Yes, Anna.

You taught me
to see the beauty in others.

So I got you something
that is beautiful.

No matter how you look at it.

A penguin?

No, not a pinwheel. Okay.

Okay.

Anna.

I got you, Kaleidoscopes.

Oh. Wow.

It's amazing.

Anna.

I look through it every day.

And finally, Mr. Bunting.

Oh, Anna, my very best friend.

You always encouraged
me to be an artist. So

I drew a picture for you.

Now, I hope you like it.

Everyone, please look at this.

I fell asleep for more than

you guys.

Maybe we take the wandered down
a little.

For real?

It's too much. Wonderful.

But your picture is beautiful,
Anna.

I'll treasure it forever.

Before you go,
we got you a gift.

I'm a penguin.

Oh, no.

Go play over there
with your pinwheel.

Give it a first go.

What about the penguin?

I'm you.

Both of you, go over there.

That'll be enough.

Enough!

Anna when you were just a little

mite

you wrote this letter
to your Grown-Up self.

And we kept it for all this time

to be
read on your last visit. Oh.

Dear.

Grown up me.

I hope you still do
what makes us happy.

I hope you still.

Look at flowers and dance.

I hope you still dance.

Yeah, but most of all,
I hope you

don't forget me.

A little, you

remember.

That little girl is never gone.

She'll always be a part of you.

Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna,
Anna, Anna, Anna

Please tell me this
is not about the pinwheel

No it's not.

We promise.

Tell her.

Tell her I know.

Anna when you. When you.

If you if you.

When you when you.

When?

When we when you.

If you.

When you hold the pinwheel.

It has colors
Give me the.

Oh my God, this is horses.

When I bought those puppets.

Oh my
God,Anna, Anna, Anna,

saying.

And actually it's Anna.

It's a hard vowel, okay?

God, I love you all so much.

But I got bounce, Anna

And it was on that day,
and I decided to never have
children

**

>>> THANKS TO SOMBR, PETE

DAVIDSON, LORNE MICHAELS, THIS

AMAZING CAST AND CREW.

THIS WAS ONE OF THE BEST WEEKS

OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**