All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S51E04.Miles.Teller.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

You're watching New York one.

New York's number five.

News station.

Hello.

Hello and good evening
from New York. One.

I am Errol Louis, and I am now
officially the least

famous person
to be impersonated on SNL.

But trust me, it's uncanny.

We're coming to you
live for this.

The third, final and fictional
New York City mayoral debate.

Tonight's event is sponsored
by the supermarket

chain.

Where did you get that wet
sandwich?

Why, yes. Of course.

And bike lanes.

You want a new way to die?

Step into a bike lane.

Tonight we're going to hear
from two viable candidates

and one good old fashioned
New York nut.

First up, former New York

Governor Andrew Cuomo.

Hello, voters.

You all know me.

I got us through Covid
and then yadda yadda yadda.

Hong Kong squeeze, squeeze.

Anyway.

I'm back.

I am born and bred New Yorker.

I love it here.

I know this city
like the back of a woman's back.

And Mamma mia!

Next we have the Democratic
nominee,

Zoran Mamdani.

Hello, everyone.

I'm happy to be here, and I'm
ready to spend the next hour.

Hearing my opponents pronounce

my name in ways
you couldn't begin to imagine.

And I know some of you
are out there scared of the idea

of a young socialist
Muslim mayor.

So allow me to put you at ease
by smiling after every answer

in a way
that physically hurts my face.

All right.

And now let's do a fun one.

The Republican nominee,

Curtis Sliwa.

Yes. Mr.

Lee, while
your opening statement.

I'm, thrilled to be here
and not getting shot in the back

of a yellow cab five times
by the Gotti's and Gambino's,

as I was famously
in 1992, 1993, and 94.

But I'm the
right choice to be a next mayor.

No offense, my opponents,
Mr. Cuomo.

And I believe I'm
saying this right.

So to Rob zombie.

That's not even close.

All right, candidates,
you're all running to be

mayor of New York City.

So my question is,

why would you want
the worst job in the world?

As we all know, as
soon as you are elected mayor,

everyone in the city immediately
hates you.

And in that way, I am already
one step ahead of the game.

Mr. Mamdani, same question.

I want to be mayor so I can
deliver a better New York free

healthcare,
affordable housing, free Wi-Fi.

As mayor,
can I make that happen?

I'm not sure yet.

But together,
we're going to find out

that the answer is no.

I got to I got to say something.

My opponent.

My opponent, Norbert dem Daniel
is inexperienced and frankly,

a nipple baby, whereas my dad
was just governor of New York.

And, of course, as you know,
my dad was brutally kidnaped

and tied to the tracks
of the cyclone at Coney Island.

I'm sorry,
what was your question?

Why do you want to be mayor?

Oh, I, need a job.

All right, let's move
on to the most important

question tonight.

What's your go to bagel order?

Mr. Mamdani.

What I'd like is for the person
serving me

that bagel to be paid
a living wage.

Boo!

Relax, nerd.

Mr. Cuomo.

Go to a bagel order.

I swear to God,

I am not saying this
to pander to Jewish voters,

but it's a lot

smeared with gefilte fish
eating in a booth next

to Barbra Streisand
by the light of a menorah.

Once again. Boo!

Mr. Sliva, go to bagel.

Order.

As you know, in 1982,
I had my penis

cut off for me by the Yakuza.

So obviously.

Blueberry bagel
toasted on strawberry

cream cheese,
eaten over a garbage can.

All right,
thank you. Candidates.

Now, let's take a moment

to thank a few more of tonight's
sponsors.

Pedicab is slower than walking
louder than hell

and Hudson Yards.

Shop, dine
or take the easy way out

at Hudson Yards.

Moving on.

Moving on to our next topic.

What would you like to say
to undecided voters?

Governor
Cuomo, let's start with you.

Listen, I have actual
governing experience.

I have the relationships
to get the job done

and the support of some of the
finest people in the city.

Like me, Mayor Eric Adams.

This is my guy right here, man.

Listen up.

If you like. Me,
you're going to love this guy.

He like me.

Part two.

Okay.

No, no, Eric, remember the plan?

Oh, yeah. I got to be.

I got to get over to our Eric
Adams, endorse him

for the mammogram.

No, no, no, no.

Thank you.

All right, Mr.

Mamdani, your message
to undecided voters.

My message is this.

Hey, girl, I know you,
got a little white guilt

for gentrifying
that Spanish neighborhood, but

why don't you vote for me?

You know, you feel a little less
bad about that.

Chicken and rice shop getting
turned into a sweetgreen.

So why don't you hit me
up at the ballot box, girl?

Mr. Mamdani,

you were warned.

That this is not the forum
for your tick tock.

And finally, Mr.

Lee, why?

Why should New Yorkers
vote for you?

It's simple.

I'm the only candidate here

who has been dangled
by my testicles off the bridge.

By a little known gang
called the Lords of Flatbush.

I was also poured
into the foundation

of Giant Stadium
and crawled my way out.

And just on my way here,
I was ejaculated upon

at the great Stardust Diner.

By the time
screaming Spider-Man.

Just.

Just on your way here.

All right, let's move on.

From congestion pricing
to homelessness to Ice raids.

There are many issues
facing our city.

What do you think
is the biggest problem

you have to confront as mayor?

It's me.

Yes. Thank you.

This election
is about housing and taxes.

But we all know
it's a bad mayor, right?

Because I'm going to be
very involved, very hands on.

This guy knows about hands on.

Right on the.

Aerials. You got me.

Well,
I got these candidates. We got.

Look at Curtis Leyva.

I love him, but we got to do
something about that.

Emily in Paris
looking hat. Right?

She is my Rushmore, Max.

And here we have
the front runner, Zora,

running and running.

Looks like the subway

takes a guy who went to go work
at McKinsey.

Was too young to lead.

Folks, he's too young.

He doesn't have the wobbly walk
or, frankly, the mind.

I have good brain.

I took a Gaga tests.

I did so
well on my cognitive test

that they
immediately gave me an MRI.

They said he's
never seen anything like it.

But in terms of election,
I'd like to go back to that

very important question.

The bagel might go to bagel

order is Big Mac
with a hole in the middle.

And I may not live
in New York anymore.

But I'm always watching,
lurking in the shadows,

much like the late,
great Phantom of the opera.

Terrible what happened to him
in terms of opera

and with regard
to being burned by chandelier?

Perhaps I'll add New York

Mayor to my list of duties.

Come on, open up your mind.

Let your fantasies unwind

in this darkness
which you know you've done

all for.

The darkness of.

The music of.

The night.

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST BRANDI CARLILE!

AND YOUR HOST, MILES TELLER!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- MILES

TELLER!

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much.

I am so happy to be back
hosting SNL the last time.

Thank you.

Thank you.

The last time I hosted
was in 2022.

It means a lot to be here
for me,

especially on Halloween weekend.

Because.

Yeah,
because when I was a kid, me

and my sisters used to go trick
or treating as SNL characters.

So I don't know if you remember

the night at the Roxbury guys,
they're the best.

Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan.

Yeah.

Let's show them.

Where are they?

There they are. Nice.

Yeah.

Well, we went into them one
year, and, here's a photo of me.

My sisters.

I mean, honestly.

I'm just now realizing how
far off we were with that look.

It's like we just
look like little Greek men.

It must have been so confusing.

Me and my sisters going up
the doors just like.

But, But growing up,
I moved around a lot.

So SNL has always been
one of the more consistent parts

of my life.

I lived in Pennsylvania,
Georgia,

Delaware, Jersey, and Florida
all before I was 12.

So honestly,
it gets a bit confusing

when people ask me where
I'm from.

I'm like, I don't know, man.

Talking to like,

where are you from?

But that's why
I love coming here,

because
I have a lot of memories.

Like right there.

That's
where I had my first beer.

Not ever.

Just like today.

And, And over there.

Oh, that's where I almost fell
getting out of my costume

and, right there,
that's where bones said.

Well, Miles, you probably fell
because you had so many beers.

I just love memories.

It's really nice
just to reflect.

But honestly, guys, I'm.

I'm so happy to be here
with all of you.

A lot has happened since
the last time that I hosted.

A few months ago,

my wife and I lost our house
in the Palisades Fire.

But don't worry. Seriously,
do not worry.

We're doing great.

I see you're up there, baby.

But that experience
has made me incredibly grateful

to have so many places
that I can call home.

But based on what happened
to the last place that I called

home, I just want to say there's
fire exits located there.

There, there.
We got two in the back.

Thank you guys,
we're gonna have a great show.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Yes. What did I do last night?

And here's your house.

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

I am your host.

Gay for pay and

welcome back to
what did I Do last Night?

The only game show
where three deeply hung over.

Contestants

have to figure out what they got
up to the night before.

And of course, today

is our extra painful day
after Halloween edition.

Let's meet our players.

Oh, boy.

All right.

All right.

First up, we've got Kenneth
from new Jersey.

Hello, Kenneth.

Oh, man stinks over here.

Yeah,
I called the castle last night.

And what's that?

It's when

you drink 14 white clothes
and then you eat White Castle.

Well,
you got a death wish, brother.

Next we have Elizabeth
from New Mexico.

What was your costume? Sexy cat.

I'm sure it started that way.

If you were at the shelter,
you'd be put down.

Girl.

And your name is Rondell.

From aware.

It's Ron from Delaware.

I was shaking when I wrote that.

Yeah, okay, Louis,

why don't we tell them
what they're playing for?

Today's grand prize is a large
Pedialyte and a bacon,

egg and cheese.

Oh, how can you that?

I need.

That now.

Oh, I need that.

Well,
you can have it if you win.

Kenneth, you're up first.

What was your Uber faux pas?

Was it a a little puke

B major driver?

Go through the drive through
and pay for your food, or c

ask for the ox
and then washed pork.

Knowing myself, I'm going to say
I puked in the Uber.

Oh. So close.

That was actually
a trick question.

You did puke,
but it wasn't in an Uber.

You just saw a guy
in a Camry and you got in.

In my defense, I do that a lot.

Doesn't matter.

Your penalty is listening
to my nephew Andre

learn the facts. No.

Oh. Oh, no.

Oh oh, no no.

All right, next up, Elizabeth,
your question is,

who did you bite
and where did you bite them?

I bit someone.

You most certainly did.

And your choices are a
your friend in the neck.

Be yourself on the tongue

or see the bouncer
on the nipple.

Oh, my tongue hurts today. So?

So I'm thinking, be myself.

No, the answer
was all of the above.

And your penalty is catching up
with an acquaintance

from high school.

Hey, I'm sure you heard,

but things haven't been going
great for me.

Anyway, thanks for agreeing
to help me move.

No, no.

All right, now, Ron, your
question includes a video clue.

This is security footage of you
at the ATM last night.

Oh, God.

Louis, let's roll the tape.

Money machine

Oh, look at him go.

Oh, foreign.

The Lord.

Oh, I gave you a little.

Cameo from Elizabeth Mitchell.

There's a lot of trouble there.

What's your question, man?

No question.

I just wanted
to make you watch that clip.

But your prize for watching
it is a chair.

Why don't you take a seat, Ron?

Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God, that's you.

This changes everything.

Oh, that's so cute. Oh.

All right, Kenneth, for an
opportunity to steal the chair,

which of these individuals
gave you that black eye?

Was it a this older woman.

B, this little boy,

or c a stop sign?

I mean,
none of them are good, but

I guess I'll say the lady.

No, the little boy,
you stole his costume?

I was wondering
why I was dressed as a corn.

Okay.

All right.

It's the last up.

It's Elizabeth for a chance
at the grand prize.

The bacon, egg and cheese

and the Pedialyte. Oh,

who did
you make out with last night?

Same options as.

Before. Yes.

Old lady, little boy.

Stop sign.

I woke up with a chip tooth.

Got to be the stop sign.

That is right, you trash cat.

Get over here.

Oh, well, that's on
time for today.

I am game for pay.

Thanks for watching.

This week on.

A very special episode
of Property Brothers.

I'm Drew Scott
and I'm a real estate expert.

I'm his twin brother, Jonathan,
and I'm a contractor

that means
I find the perfect property

and I actually have
to renovate the darn thing.

This week we're taking
on our biggest challenge yet

building the new white House
ballroom.

I'm your property president.

Nice to meet you.

So which one of you
is married to New Girl?

And which one of you is the gay?

Unmarried.

Do you get?

Donald and Melania moved into
this house nine years ago.

They were evicted
for four years,

but they moved back in.

Donald has a strong eye
for interior design.

I put these gold urns
everywhere,

like a hybrid in every room,
and that makes me happy.

It's very important
to be happy these days.

Really dark stuff happening
in the world, some of it me.

And here's a crown
I just got from a trip to Asia.

Nothing says democracy
like a crown, right?

And his wife Melania, oh,
she's got a style all her own.

I love these Halloween
decorations.

You put those up for Christmas?

Yeah.

The Trumps have already made a
few subtle changes to the house.

Donald
got rid of the portrait of FDR,

and he put a painting of himself
as a soldier from Halo.

Or understand his. Message.
You know, it's awful.

You can't even say Master
Chief anymore, right?

You guys say primary chief.

They also painted the real stars
and turned it into

what looks like outdoor
seating at an Olive garden.

But Donald and Melania still
feel like something's missing.

The house is only 55,000ft|
and 132 rooms.

We need more space, right?

We need more space.

And we need a ballroom.

Because Donald,
he love to dance.

I'm a terrific dancer.

Terrific dancer.

And just ask your eyes.

Right.

We ask Donald
what his budget was,

and he said between
300 and 50 million and infinity.

Then we asked
if you needed a permit.

And Donald laughed really hard.

He said I could build this
ballroom

with the bones of my enemies,
and no one could stop me,

as opposed to a bonehead
like my brother.

Oh, you hush up.

We should.

Donald.

Our plan for a ballroom

that would match
the current proportions.

But he kept clicking. Enlarge.
I think it's fell in the.

Sense that in the street
they can drive around it.

Oh, and I want a ring
for my fight.

Official ones, but also casual
fights in the backyard.

You know what I'm talking about.

Two mentally ill guys
just wailing on each other,

you know, bomb fights again.

Remember bomb fights.

We love to bomb fights to.

Nail down
the style of the ballroom.

We asked Donald to come up
with an inspo board.

This kind of vibe in this guy.

I don't know if you met him,
but he's a great guy.

And then something like
this could also be nice.

It turns out.

That our number one priority

was to preserve the historic
nature of the building,

and he sent me back this gift.

So we demolished
an entire east wing two days.

With the government still
shut down and so many workers

furloughed,
we were able to force

park rangers and astronauts
to do a lot of the demolition.

Are you sad to lose the historic
presidential movie theater?

No. Bill Clinton called it
the best perk

of being president.
Bill Clinton said that.

He said that the best perk
for him was the movie theater.

Unfortunately, the renovation
hit a bit of a snag

when Donald realized
he had deported

all the construction workers.

I pulled into the Home

Depot parking lot and yelled,
just give me the whites.

You know I want the day laborers

from Norway and Sweden,
but apparently they don't exist.

But in the end, we're confident

the new ballroom will be

a shining beacon of freedom
for all Americans.

And it'll be ready
just in time for my third term.

That's right.

We want this to be our forever
home.

Yes, because we're not leaving.

We're going to be doing
something called coup.

And we'll make sure that Trump's
dream becomes a reality.

If my dumb
brother doesn't screw it up.

Seriously, you.

Thank you so.

Much.

Okay,
I guess the only thing left

is the payment
for the construction.

Aren't you guys from Canada?

Yeah, I

there it goes nicely.

Like a big a nice spooky.

Very spooky. It's
a very spooky secret. Police.

The Property Brothers
only on HGTV.

And true Social.

Gentlemen,

thank you so much for coming in
to do these promos

for the National Hockey
League's Community Outreach Day.

We're so glad to have players
from the New York

Rangers, the LA Kings
and the Nashville Predators.

My name is Judy LaRue.

And I just go by Midge.

You may know us from such works

as the second iteration
of the J.G.

Wentworth commercial,
where they sang on a bus.

All right, just read the lines,
and we should be out of here in

no time. All right. And action.

The NHL is proud of the charity
work we do in our communities.

That's right.

I may be a king on the ice,

but I'm also a king
in the community,

and I'm a ranger
in my community.

Now, I'm a predator
in my community.

When you see this face, just
no predators in the community

will awake.

Can we cut? Cut?

What's the issue, man? Yeah.

I mean, do I have to say that
I'm a predator in my community?

Why not?

You play for the Nashville
Predators.

Yeah, but I mean,
you hear how it sounds, right?

Okay, so it's
going to be one of those shoots.

Diva alert. I sense it, too.

Let's move
on. We're losing light.

We're indoors.

I'm sorry.

Did you get in the truck to aid
you, Justin Long.

Chobani commercial.

I don't know what any of that
means.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Why don't you do your job
and I'll do mine.

But let's move
on to the next copy and action.

As a New York Ranger, I'm
serving my community

by working in soup kitchens
as an L.A. king.

I volunteer with the elderly
and as a Nashville Predator.

I work in hospitals
to make sick kids feel touched.

Hey, come on, guys. Come on.

What is the meaning of all
of this unprofessionalism?

I make sick kids feel touched.

I don't want to say that.

Are you kidding me, pal?

You know who you're talking to?

I'm the guy who pitched
Asian man plays cello

in the Kendall Jenner Black
Lives Matter Pepsi commercial.

We're moving on.

Action.

The NHL is proud
of the humanitarian work

we do around the world.

New York Rangers are sponsoring
literacy work in India.

The L.A.

Kings are helping to dig
freshwater

wells in sub-Saharan Africa.

And as a predator
from Nashville,

I'm visiting Thailand.

No! Stop!

Are you serious?

I mean, visiting Thailand.

That doesn't even mention
charity work.

Oh, you didn't do
the whole thing.

Here, read. This. Okay.
All right.

I'm visiting Thailand to
hopefully rub off on some kids.

So maybe one day they become
predators, just like me.

I'm not.

I can't say these lines.
You know what? You know what?

That's okay.

Let's get the writers in here,

see if they have any other
ideas.

Good.

Hey, writers here.

We don't have any other ideas.

Do the lines for. This next one.

You don't have to say anything.

You can keep that.
Pretty little. Mouth shut.

And that's on Mitch. Okay, fine.

That's more like.

All right, let's get lights up.

Start rolling and action.

When my

classroom needed supplies,
the king stepped up.

When my father got sick,

the rangers helped cover
his medical bills.

This is the predator
that forever

altered the course of my life.

Now you know.

You know what this is.
This isn't gonna work.

Why don't you just say
your name, your.

Position,
and your team? Let's go.

Can you handle that?

We don't. Hockey player.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Let's roll it.

I'm Ronnie
Adrian, defenseman King.

I'm Christian Fleischman.

Goalie. Ranger.

I don't want to do this one.

Tom, it's just your name.

Fine.

I'm chase, kid.

Right wing predator.

Oh. Okay.

No, I did hear at that time,

and that's on Mitch.

Officer.

She's gone.
Okay. I've looked everywhere.

She's gone. Sir.
Just calm down. What?

My wife is missing, man.

Somebody must have taken her.

Coming soon to Netflix.

The true story of three men
whose wives

mysteriously vanished.

She was there.

And then poof, she disappeared.

We received a call about
a missing woman on Jordan Road.

Dispatching all units.

It didn't make any sense.

I'm sorry.
I can't do this. Megan.

Megan was never

before seen interviews
with the women themselves.

So tell us what happened.

I was on a business trip.

I told Doug about it
maybe 45 times.

I was at my sister's
for the weekend.

As we had discussed for months.

I was literally in the bathroom

dumping.

Just,
you know, gone without a trace.

Whoever took her left
a bunch of cryptic notes.

He did. For 50, for 20 minutes.

So this was laundry to dry.

This is. This is a gift to you.

The whole.

Hey. What did you eat?

What the hell did you eat, man?

She was gone
for what felt like a lifetime.

I did take a shower
after I had to.

Use coffee.

Who's at first?

Oh, any. Any.

That's
when things got really bad.

Oh. Man.

The magazine
rates their brother.

The police asked me
for a photo of her,

but my phone was dead,
so I had to draw her.

She's just as.

Beautiful in real life.

I feel like
I have a little more of a chin.

Okay.

What is your wife's
full name? Megan.

Windsor. Birthday.

Summer.

Did you contact the nurse? Yes.

I called them and said
your daughter's dead. Was.

I didn't know what I was doing.

No. You took my life.

I have a gun, and I'm not.

And not long.

After she left, these two
small men came out to base me.

What do you want?

What do you want from me?

Our sons.

I think he forgot. We have kids.

No. No. And now?

This is hard to admit,
but after about 24 hours,

I did decide it was time
to move on romantically. So.

I just
wish I could've prepared myself.

But there was no way
I could have known.

I'm telling you now,
I'm going to see my sister

this weekend in Poughkeepsie.
Okay, baby. Have fun.

I'll be back
Sunday. Sunday night.

Okay, mom.

Where am I going?

Poughkeepsie.

Sir, is there any place
you think she could be?

I know this is probably wrong.

But maybe the store got a trace.

Sometimes the scariest thing is
when you went back.

Was mommy this bad? No.

Good evening.

And welcome to News Point.
I'm Daphne Dodd.

My guest
tonight is economist Paul Henry.

Evening.

If it looks a little different
in here,

that's because it's our
first show in our brand new set.

That gives you a peek
inside our newsroom.

And the hardworking folks
who put all this together.

Well, lots to discuss tonight.

We start with the economy,
which we're putting in focus.

This week, Amazon
announced thousands of layoffs,

with target also joining

the list of major companies
slashing its workforce.

And while companies look
to protect their bottom lines,

American
households are doing the same.

Oh, are you okay?

Yeah. I'm fine. I'm sorry.

Oh, okay.

Rising prices
for groceries and utilities. Oh.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I'm fine. I apologize.

Apologies for that.

The big question here.

Is this the start of a longer,
steeper decline?

Well, Daphne, that's up

to how much of this overheated
AI sector is even real.

If it's a bubble, it's
going to burst sooner or later.

Well,
let's hope it doesn't burst.

We just spent a lot of money
in this new studio.

Hey, whoever reported me to H.R.

say it to my face next time.

Sorry.

Still
adjusting to the new layout?

Well, actually,
I think it's quite an upgrade.

Such a fun little treat
for the viewers

to get a little peek
behind the curtain.

Professor, now,
what do you make of this?

Because on paper, inflation
rates are pretty low.

Well,

on the new screen,
inflation races

seem pretty huge.

All right.

Someone hacked my computer and
put manga erotica on it again.

Yeah. Sure, buddy.

But, look, prices are rising,
but so is the market.

We're still solid.

Well, everyday Americans
are certainly struggling,

and the results
from a new survey showed

52% of Americans
are living paycheck to paycheck.

Oh, find out on the face
for poll workers.

I do it all packages every day.

Sorry. Hectic news day.

And this is concerning.

1 in 3 Americans describe

their financial situation
as in crisis.

Is this just the beginning,
professor?

Well, I think we'll see.

I think we'll see more layoffs
and price hikes.

But the ceiling is raising
the price.

Excuse me. Damnit!

Just take the paper out
the tray.

Professor, you were saying.

Sorry.

Now, the tariffs
haven't helped things.

Especially with a supply chain

that's still recovering
from the Covid era.

Oh, yeah.

It's a little printer issue.

Is everyone.

Okay?

No, I just got electrocuted.

Bitch.

Okay.

We're good.

All righty.

Please continue. Professor.

I'll go get help here.

Well, actually, one second.

I think this dude
is going to fall again.

Yeah. There it is.

Well, it looks like
we're at the break.

More with Professor Henry
after this.

Yeah, I think I
need to put up a wall, stat!

>>> LADIES & GENTLEMAN,
BRANDI CARLILE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

**

**

**

* WHILE THE EMPIRE

WAS FAILING

I WAS SO FAR FROM HOME *

* I HEARD

A THOUSAND SIRENS WAILING

BUT I WAS NEVER ON MY OWN *

* WHEN THE BLACKNESS

SLOWLY PARTED

I SAW THE IVORY TOWERS *

* BEFORE THE REVOLUTION

STARTED

BETWEEN THE MADNESS

OF THE HOURS *

* AND THEY DON'T SEE

WHAT WE SEE

BUT WE BELIEVE

WE BELIEVE *

* THAT THEY'RE

NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER

BURN TOMORROW

NEVER SAY *

* THEY'RE HERE TODAY

THEN THEY'RE GONE FOREVER

NEVER SAY NEVER SAY

NEVER SAY *

* WE'LL FIND A WAY

WE'LL FIND A WAY

WE'LL FIND A WAY

IMAGINE IF WE COULD *

**

**

* AND IN THE DAYS

THAT QUICKLY FOLLOWED

THEY BEGAN

TO TURN TO STONE *

* THEY COULDN'T STAND

OR SPEAK OR SWALLOW

THEY COULDN'T

GET OUT OF BED ALONE *

* WHEN THE FRAILTY

OVERCOMES THEM

AND THEY BEGIN TO CRAWL *

* REACHING OUT

THEIR BLOODY HANDS

GUESS WHO GETS

TO MAKE THE CALL *

* WELL THEY DON'T SEE

WHAT WE SEE

BUT WE BELIEVE

WE BELIEVE *

* THAT THEY'RE

NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER

BURN TOMORROW

NEVER SAY *

* THEY'RE HERE TODAY

THEN THEY'RE GONE FOREVER

NEVER SAY NEVER SAY

NEVER SAY *

* WE'LL FIND A WAY

WE'LL FIND A WAY

WE'LL FIND A WAY

IMAGINE IF WE COULD *

**

**

I CONTEMPLATE

WITH SOVEREIGN REVERENCE

THAT ACT OF THE WHOLE

AMERICAN PEOPLE WHICH DECLARED

THEIR LEGISLATURES SHOULD MAKE

NO LAW RESPECTING THE

ESTABLISHMENT OF RELIGION OR

PROHIBITING FREE EXERCISE

THEREOF, THUS BUILDING A WALL OF

SEPARATION BETWEEN CHURCH AND

STATE.

* NO THEY'RE

NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER

BURN TOMORROW

NEVER SAY *

* THEY'RE HERE TODAY

THEN THEY'RE GONE FOREVER

NEVER SAY NEVER SAY

NEVER SAY *

* WE'LL FIND A WAY

WE'LL FIND A WAY

WE'LL FIND A WAY

IMAGINE IF WE COULD *

**

**

**

**

**

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update

with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you.
Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend
Update I'm Michael che.

I'm Colin Jost.

President Trump
and the first lady hosted

a trick or treat event at
what's left of the white House.

And this is one of my favorite
things

that the president does,
because it's so clear

he never trick or treated
once in his life,

like in his first term.

Here's how he gave candy
to a kid dressed as a minion.

Melania is just like,
I guess that is how it's done.

And then again this year,
he did it to a kid dressed as DJ

marshmallow.

Just put it in the bag.

Why is he so weird?

Even the
kid is like, this is not.

It's kind of an embodiment
of his entire presidency,

because it's just a violation
of norms that no other president

or person has ever conceived of.

Like who's ever thought

I should put the candy
on the kid's head?

My favorite part, though, was
when Trump and Melania

made a grand entrance
to this song.

Like Michael Jackson's Thriller,
just the perfect soundtrack

to lure kids
to a famous mansion.

Due to the government

shutdown, Snap Food Benefits
ran out of funds today.

But the government
still provides needy families

with free food
through the Second Amendment.

Japan's new prime
minister tonight, Sarkasi, said

during a press conference
that she is

nominating President Trump
for the Nobel Peace Prize.

And I can't believe
I get to say this, but thank

God nobody listens to women.

President Trump met with Chinese
President XI Jinping.

When asked how the meeting went,
Trump said this.

But overall, I guess on.

The scale of from 0 to 10,
with ten being the best,

I would say the.

Meeting was it. Well.

I guess
Trump just wanted to show

China we're still way
worse at math.

Trump

also visited South Korea
and was given a gold crown

and served beef patties
with ketchup for dinner.

So they basically got
the president

of the United States
a Happy Meal with a toy.

Critics of President Trump
are calling him

tone deaf for posting pictures
of his newly

renovated white House bathroom
during the government shutdown,

but I'm happy
that the floor looks slippery.

The state of Texas is suing

Tylenol, claiming
that it is linked to autism

or as it's called
in Texas, bullying. Right?

Curtis

Lee, what a Republican candidate
for mayor of New York

and the world's only White
Panther has been endorsed,

has been endorsed
by Rudy Giuliani.

But Giuliani only likes him
because his poll numbers

are between 9 and 11.

Nine. 11.

Did I do it right?

Did I do it right?

This weekend
is the New York City

Marathon,
which will bring to the city

more than 50,000 runners
from over 100 countries.

Here to comment is the world's
number one marathoner.

Okay, Jorge Santos.

Oh, yeah.

Yes. Colin, can you believe

I just finished the marathon?

The marathon is tomorrow.

Yeah, well, it's a record
I already was.

You know,

you didn't win the marathon.

I know you've been doing a media
comeback tour

since Trump
commuted your prison sentence.

Oh, well,
yeah, prison was crazy.

I was in a room by myself,

talking to people
through a wall, going on

eight dates a day, trying
to find the love of my life.

You were
not on Love is blind, George.

You were in jail.

Oh, fine.

But you know what?

Prison changed me, Colin.

I lost a ton. Oh, really?

How much did you lose?

I gained 50 pounds.

Every summer I turned pretty,
and now I only tell the truth.

Oh, I know it sounds like you're
still a liar, George.

You are?

I'm not.

Well, then
how come your pants are on fire?

Okay, just stop touching me
underneath the desk.

George.

Do you wish.

Colin
I was just robbing you? Hey.

Whoa.

Photos
of every female castmember

that's left.

Give me back my angels. Oh!

Well, anyway, Colin,

I'm going on all these shows
to tell the truth

about what it's like in prison.

Well, wasn't your prison
only, like, minimum security?

That's right.

I was in jail with other
white collar criminals.

Even though I'm black.

You're not black. Now.

Wow. Are you accusing me

of lying about my race
like Rachel Dolezal?

That horrible woman
who lied about being black?

Remember her?
Because that was me. No.

Talk to her.

Come on. Hold
on. I have to take this.

It's one of my friends
from prison.

Okay. All right.

Hello. Hi, Dylan.

I miss you, too, girl.

I got to go. I'm hosting
Saturday night.

No, you're not.

You're not.

Put your weird prison
glass away. Okay.

Sorry. It's
just what I'm used to, okay?

I was in there for so long.

You were in there
for, like, 80 days.

Yeah, I know, a whole year.

But it wasn't all that.

I got to work in the kitchen.

People loved my rice pudding
recipe.

It's really easy.

Just preheat the toilet to 350.

How do you preheat a toilet?

You just sit on it for a while.

Hold on. I have to take this.

Hello?

Louis G.

How's my favorite murderer?

You tried my rice
pudding recipe.

You burned it
because her toilet was too hot.

So that's not Luigi
on the phone.

It's not you.

You're such a liar.

Oh, please, Colin,
you're a liar too.

Wearing that expensive watch,
pretending you're rich.

But, George, I was actually born

very rich.

How? Well, you know what?

I'm rich now, too.

Because I just took a trip
to the Louvre.

Oh my God, George, to do.

Did you steal that?

Stole it back?

You mean because it belonged
to my ancestors?

The Zales.

You. You bought it at.

Hold on.
I have to take this bastard.

Thank you.

Hello, daddy.

Miss you two round the.

George Santos, everyone.

I won the World Series.

Won the World Series. Ours.

Congratulate George.

He did not
win the World Series. It's

called be.

A 92 year
old leader of Cameroon.

And the world's oldest

president has won reelection
by soundly defeating.

Oh, no.

Kamala Harris

hints keep coming for coffee.

NBC news unveiled their new
slogan fact, clarity, calm,

and they're already being sued

for copyright infringement
by a pillow from HomeGoods.

New research shows
that childhood peanut

allergies have declined

over 40% in recent years due
to earlier exposure to peanuts,

which was exactly the goal
of my Health campaign.

Nut up kids.

Officials with the Special
Olympics have called on kid

Rock to stop using the R-word,
even though he can

cause.

Come on.

An 80 year old woman
set a record

for oldest female
to hike the Appalachian Trail,

and also the record
for most circling vultures.

Prince Andrew has been stripped
of his royal title

of prince due to his involvement
with Jeffrey Epstein.

And Andrew says
he can only become Prince again

if he gets a kiss from a young
princess.

Well, the government shutdown
has entered day

32, with both sides showing no
sign of giving it any time soon.

Here to talk about it are
two people who just hooked up.

Okay.

It's my girl. Okay.

Your perfect.

Okay,

so you're here to talk about
the government shutdown?

Yes, yes, we are here
to discuss the shutdown.

I mean, how long can this go on
without anything happening?

Yeah, exactly.

But, you know,
sometimes nothing happens

for a very long time,
and then suddenly.

Everything happens.

So. So what do you think
the parties need to do

to, like,
open the government back up?

Oh, look, Colin,
it's all about communication.

They just need to get in
a room together and say hi.

Hi. Hi.

Okay.

And then what?

And then maybe
Republicans are like,

are we doing this?

Yeah.

The Democrats are like,

I've wanted to for so long.

Yeah, but
maybe the Republicans are scared

because their government hasn't
been opened in.

A long time.

God, not since Jason actually.

Who's Jason?

Is he like a congressman?

He's not a man.

Okay.

I just

I think Democrats are
pretty upset

that Trump has decided

to build his whole ballroom
during the shutdown.

What do you make of that?

Yes. Well,

typically during a shutdown,
you wouldn't see a president

continuing with a project
of this size. Yeah.

Democrats just need to say,
you know, look it's too big.

Would you be willing
to try something

smaller.

Oh yeah.

And who knows.

Republicans
might even say smaller.

Sounds great.

I prefer it.

You prefer. It.

From Democrats.

Like I want to do this
right now.

And Republicans are like here

in Collins dressing room.

Dressing room.

How long were you in there for?

Oh, God. Let me think. Because.

Because because it was couch.

And then was it desk?

No, we wanted to,
but their stuff on the desk.

Oh that's right.
So then we did door to door.

Oh, yeah.
We were at door for a while.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
So it was couch. Yeah.

Then door.

And then we just
we talked about my brother.

I loved that.

Just kind of. Alaska.

I really worry about you.

Give him too much.
You give him too much.

You said that.

And I really appreciate that.

You're so strong and such.

And then it was more door.

It was a lot of popcorn.
And then.

And then we, you know,
we came out here.

Oh, my God, what is door?

Look, we're not here to talk
about door.

We're here because Republicans
and Democrats

need to get together.

Oh, you think they should
get together? Oh.

Not. No. Like.

And I'm saying
they need to get married.

I didn't say
they should get married.

Okay, I think Democrats
just sounds just like chill.

Oh, chill.

Chill. Okay.

Democrats are so chill.

Well, then why did Democrats say
I love you during door?

I keep it open to what they said
during door.

I think Democrats would have
said anything for more door.

What is door?

We had sex with your door. Okay.

Two people touch up.

A golden

retriever in Virginia
became an internet celebrity

after his owners
posted videos of the dog

stealing items
from around the house.

Meanwhile, a black lab

who did the same thing
got the death penalty.

And no justice
for the black lab.

Officials in New York

say that a Manhattan
parking lot along

the East River will be turned
into an outdoor gym.

Oh, that's awesome.

That way, all the psychotic
vagrants on the street can get

super strong.

A 101 year
old woman from new Jersey

says she still goes to work
six days a week.

Sadly, on the same corner.

Broadway star
Jordan Litz announced

that he will be running
in tomorrow's New York City

Marathon, then later star
in two performances of Wicked.

And then after that, Die.

For Weekend Update
I'm Colin Jost, I|m Michael Che
Goodnight

>>> QUIET DOWN, PLEASE.

NOW, I KNOW THE CITY'S ON EDGE

DUE TO RUMORS THAT LAST WEEK'S

KILLING WAS THE WORK OF THE

INFAMOUS STEAK KNIFE SLASHER.

>> WE DESERVE ANSWERS!

>> WE DON'T WANT TO SPECULATE AT

THIS TIME, BUT HERE TO ANSWER

ANY OTHER QUESTIONS IS LEAD

HOMICIDE DETECTIVE RAY DUNHAM,

RAY?

>> THANK YOU, CHIEF.

NOW FOLKS, LIKE THE CHIEF SAID,

WE CAN'T VERIFY ANYTHING ABOUT

THE PERP AT THIS TIME.

BUT WHOEVER THIS BASTARD IS,

WE'RE GOING TO CATCH HIM.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT

ANYTHING ES, I'LL TAKE THOSE

NOW.

YOU IN THE FRONT.

>> MARCUS ABOUT ITS, "DAILY

TRIBUNE."

I'VE GOT A SOURCE THAT SAYS

WOUNDS ARE ARE CONSISTENT WITH

VICTIMS OF THE SLASHER.

COMMENT?

>> FOLKS, I CANNOT COMMENT AT

THIS TIME.

NEXT?

>> TINA DOBBS, "TIMES DAILY."

WE'VE JUST RECEIVED EYEWITNESS

TESTIMONY THAT A FIGURE MATCHING

THE SLASHER'S DESCRIPTION WAS

SPOTTED FLEEING THE SCENE.

ANY COMMENT AT ALL?

>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, I'M NOT

GOING TO SAY IT AGAIN NO

COMMENT.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT, YOU RIGHT HERE.

>> HI, DAVE ALLEN, "DAILY

GAZETTE."

I'VE RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM DC

COMICS.

DEAR MR. ALLEN, WE'VE RECEIVED

YOUR UNSOLICITED SOLICITATION

AND REGRET TO INFORM YOU WE WILL

NOT BE PUBLISHING YOUR GRAPHIC

NOVEL "GARGIRL."

AT THIS TIME NOR ANY TIME IN THE

FUTURE.

THOUGHTS?

>> YEAH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY

THAT?

>> WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF IT?

SOUND LIKE IT'S A HARD PASS?

>> YEAH, SOUNDS LIKE A HARD PASS

TO ME.

NEXT, YOU RIGHT HERE.

>> HEY, STEVEN CRI IS. T, "DAILY

TODAY."

GOT A QUOTE FROM THE VICTIM'S

FAMILY SAYING, WE KNOW IT WAS

THE SLASHER, COPS ARE COVERING

IT UP.

PRETTY DAMNING, IS IT NOT?

>> IF YOU'RE GOING TO AND STUFF

I CAN'T ANSWER, I'M GOING TO END

THIS NOW.

>> DAVE ALLEN, LOCAL AUTHOR.

DO YOU THINK THEY WANT A

REWRITE?

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> A REWRITE OF "GARGIRL."

DO YOU THINK THEY WANT TO SEE A

REWRITE OF "GARGIRL"?

>> BUDDY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

"GARGIRL" IS.

>> HALF GARGOYLE, HALF GIRL, ALL

JUSTICE.

CRIME FIGHTER WITH THE POWERS OF

A GARGOYLE AND PROBLEMS OF A

TEENAGE GIRL.

CRUSHING VILLAINS BY NIGHT.

CRUSHING ON A QUARTERBACK BY

DAY.

THOUGHTS?

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THOUGHTS?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR HERE?

>> DO YOU LOOK IT?

DO YOU LIKE "GARGIRL"?

DO YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA?

>> YES, OKAY.

YEAH, I DO.

IT SOUNDS ACTION PACKED, AND I

THINK IT'S COOL THAT IT DEALS

WITH REAL PROBLEMS FACING KIDS

TODAY.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?

>> NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

>> OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW, WHO'S NEXT?

YOU.

>> YEAH, HI.

DICK MUSK.

"TOMORROW TO DAILY."

WHAT EXACTLY DOES POWERS OF A

GARGOYLE MEAN?

>> I'LL TAKE THIS ONE.

DAVE ALLEN, CREATOR OF

"GARGIRL."

SHE TRANSFORMS AT NIGHT.

CLAWS, FANGS, WINGS, THE

ULTIMATE CRIME-FIGHTING

CREATURE.

WHO'S NEXT?

RIGHT HERE.

>> ADA SMITH SANCHEZ, "DAILY

NEWS TODAY."

IT SOUNDS LIKE PUBERTY.

ANY COMMENTS?

>> DAVE ALLEN, VISIONARY AUTEUR,

SPOT ON, EXCELLENT READ OF THE

SUBTEXT.

ANY QUESTIONS?

>> HOW POPULAR IS GARGIRL AT

SCHOOL?

-- ENOUGH, WE AREN'T HERE TO

TALK ABOUT GARGIRL.

THERE'S BEEN A MURDER, YOU GUYS.

>> HEY, YOU SHUT UP, YOU!

YOU WON'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT WHAT

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!

>> JESUS, OKAY, FINE.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL

RIGHT.

WHAT ELSE DO WE WANT TO KNOW

ABOUT GARGIRL?

ALL RIGHT, YES, YOU, SIR.

>> ALFONSO JULIAN, MURDERER.

HOW DID GARGIRL BECOME GARGIRL?

>> DAVE ALLEN, VOICE OF A

GENERATION.

A GUY WHO WORKS IN A NUCLEAR

POWER PLANT FALLS INTO A VAT OF

NUCLEAR WASTE.

HE GOES HOME AND YANKS ONE OUT

INTO THE TOILET.

HE CONTAMINATED THE WATER SUPPLY

WITH A RADIOACTIVE LOAD WHICH

EVAPORATED INTO THE CLOUDS WHICH

RAINED DOWN THE LOAD ONTO A

GARGOYLE.

>> WAIT, ARE YOU SAYING GARGIRL

IS A GARGOYLE THAT TURNS INTO A

GIRL, NOT A GIRL THAT TURNS INTO

A GARGOYLE?

>> YES.

YES, I AM.

>> OKAY.

WHOA.

WELL, THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING I

THOUGHT I KNEW ABOUT GARGIRL.

>> WHAT?

THIS STORY IS RIDICULOUS.

WHY WOULD A GUY WHO FELL INTO

NUCLEAR WASTE GO HOME AND

IMMEDIATELY CRANK ONE OUT INTO

THE TOILET?

>> HE WAS EXCITED TO BE ALIVE.

>> JESUS CHRIST.

YOU, SIR, THE MURDERER.

YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL FOR A LONG

TIME, PAL.

>> OKAY, WELL -- AT LEAST I'LL

GET SOME READING DONE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> ONCE AGAIN, BRANDI CARLILE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

* BABY YOU'RE ONLY GONNA

HURT YOUR BACK

LOOKING DOWN LIKE THAT *

* CUT YOURSELF

A LITTLE MORE SLACK *

* BABY YOU'RE GONNA

HAVE A HEART ATTACK *

* AND THEY WON'T THANK YOU

THEY DON'T MAKE AWARDS

FOR THAT *

* WE KNOW BY NOW

THAT TIME DOES NOT TAKE SIDES

WE'RE ONLY HUMAN *

* I DON'T NEED TO SEE

HOW IT ENDS

TO TELL YOU THAT

WE'LL NEVER BE HERE AGAIN *

* WE'RE ONLY HUMAN

I JUST WANNA

FEEL MY FACE IN THE SUN *

* I NEVER REALLY WANTED

TO HURT ANYONE

FOREVER ONLY MEANS

WE HAD A GOOD RUN *

* WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW

RIGHT NOW

IT'S HARD ENOUGH

BEING HUMAN *

**

* IT'S NOT LIKE

WE'RE EVER REALLY

GONNA LEARN *

* AND I'M NO ANGEL

I KNOW WE'RE GONNA

WATCH IT BURN *

* AND BABY

THERE ISN'T

ANYWHERE TO RUN *

* AND I WON'T BLAME YOU

FOR SEEING ALL THE BEAUTY

IN A WILDFIRE SUN *

* TOMORROW ISN'T NOTHING

BUT A GAME

THAT WE USED TO PLAY

AND WE'RE ONLY HUMAN *

* I DON'T NEED

TO SEE HOW TO IT ENDS

TO TELL YOU THAT

WE'LL NEVER BE HERE AGAIN *

* BABE WE'RE ONLY HUMAN

I JUST WANNA FEEL

MY FACE IN THE SUN *

* I NEVER REALLY WANTED

TO HURT ANYONE

FOREVER ONLY MEANS

WE HAD A GOOD RUN *

* WE DON'T NEED

TO KNOW TO RIGHT NOW

IT'S HARD ENOUGH

BEING HUMAN *

* WE DON'T NEED

TO KNOW TO RIGHT NOW

IT'S HARD ENOUGH

BEING HUMAN *

**

* BABY WHEN YOU WAKE UP

AND IT WASN'T A DREAM *

* AND YOU'RE TIRED OF CRYING

YOU'RE TOO BROKEN

TO SCREAM *

* SHAKE YOUR FIST

AT THE CITY

LET IT RIP AT THE SEAMS

BE HUMAN *

* YOU'RE GONNA

HAMMER THE STREET

WITH YOUR HANDS

AND YOUR FEET *

* LET THE BITTERNESS DIE

FALL IN TIME TO THE BEAT

WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE EYES

OF THE STRANGERS YOU MEET *

* BE HUMAN

OOH-OOH

OOH-OOH

OOH-OOH *

* OOH-OOH

OOH-OOH *

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> DATE NIGHT.

I HOPE YOU LIKE THE PLACE I

PICKED.

>> YEAH, YOU SAID IT WAS THE

BEST ITALIAN RESTAURANT IN

NEBRASKA.

>> UH-HUH.

>> BUONA SERA.

I AM LEONARDO.

>> I AM DAVINCI.

A BIG WELCOME TO THE LADY.

>> YES, A BIG WELCOME TO THE

LADY AND A LITTLE WELCOME TO THE

MAN, HA HA HA!

>> THANK YOU.

>> THANK YOU?

>> NOW, TELL ME, DO YOU LIKE TO

EAT PASTA?

YES OR GNOCCHI?

>> YES, TELL ME, ARE YOU A

PRO-PASTA OR ANTI-PASTI?

>> WE ARE FUNNY.

>> WE ARE GUYS THAT ARE FUNNY.

>> YOU ARE.

WE LOVE THIS.

>> NOW WE TELL YOU ABOUT THE

MENU.

>> BEFORE YOU START, I SHOULD

TELL YOU, I'M ALLERGIC TO A LOT

OF STUFF.

SHRIMP FOR SURE.

>> OH, HON, JUST HAVE FUN

TONIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NOT HOW IT WORKS.

>> OKAY, NOW OUR SPECIAL TONIGHT

IS A CACIO E PEPE.

MAYBE LATER YOUR WIFE CATCH-E MY

PEPE.

>> OKAY!

>> OKAY?

>> NOW CAN WE OFFER YOU SOME

WINE?

>> GREAT, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> BE RIGHT BACK.

>> OH, THESE GUYS ARE SO GREAT.

>> THEY'RE ACTING LIKE I'M NOT

GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

>> HONEY, YOU'RE NOT BAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NOT BAD?

>> OKAY.

FOR THE WOMAN, THERE'S THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL WINE IN THE WORLD.

AND FOR THE MAN, SOME PURPLE

STUFF THAT I FOUND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> YES, WE ALSO BROUGHT SOME

APPETIZERS.

>> WELL, I DON'T HAVE

SILVERWARE.

>> AH, YES.

HAVE YOU HEARD OF FARM TO TABLE?

>> OF COURSE.

>> OKAY, WELL WE TAKE IT TO THE

NEXT LEVEL, FARM TO MOUTH.

>> YES.

TAKE SOME, SINIORA.

>> OH, WOW.

MY GOSH.

DELICIOUS.

>> AND IS THERE ANYTHING FOR ME?

>> YES, OF COURSE, FOR THE MAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> SALAD, SALAD FOR YOU.

MORE SALAD, A TOSSED SALAD.

TOSSED SALAD.

>> I'VE HAD ENOUGH SALAD.

>> OH, YES, MAYBE JUST ONE MORE.

>> NO, I'VE HAD ENOUGH SALAD,

THANK YOU.

>> THE CAD WANT TO TALK TO THE

CHEF.

>> YOU DON'T LIKE THE SALAD, NO

PROBLEM.

>> CHEF MARIO!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT

YOU'D BE ITALIAN.

>> OH.

WELL, IF WE SHARING THOUGHTS, I

THINK YOU LOOK LIKE A OLD BOY.

>> EXCUSE ME?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I'VE

HAD ENOUGH.

>> OH, YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET THE

FOCACCIA.

>> I CAN PLAY YOUR GAME.

I'M NOT ALFREDO YOU, AND IF

YOU'RE THINKING OF A TIP,

BRUSCHETTA ABOUT IT.

>> FUNNY

Thanks to Brandi Carlile, Ramy
Youssef

Shane Gillis, Lorne, the band,
the cast

Thank you all
so much for joining us.

Thank you.

Goodnight!