All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S51E03.Sabrina.Carpenter.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

>>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY, MATTHEW,

MAKE A WISH.

>> OKAY.

GOSH, THANKS SO MUCH, KELSEY,

THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO ME,

ESPECIALLY WITH EVERYTHING GOING

ON IN THE WORLD, GOVERNMENT

SHUTDOWN, AI, JUST SO MUCH

UNCERTAINTY.

BUT THE FACT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE

PUT THIS ALL TOGETHER FOR ME

MEANS A LOT.

>> WELL, OF COURSE.

HEY, MATT, LOOKS LIKE SOME

SPECIAL GUESTS JUST ARRIVED.

>> OH, MY GOD, KELSEY, DID YOU

FLY OUT MY BEST FRIENDS?

>> OH, NO, I FLEW OUT MY BEST

FRIENDS.

>> HEY.

FOR THOSE OF YOU HAVE HAVEN'T

MET, I'M KELSEY'S BESTIE.

WE WENT TO NURSING SCHOOL

TOGETHER BUT I DIDN'T GRADUATE.

I GOT MY BFF DEGREE BECAUSE I

MET KELSEY'S BESTIES, AKA THE

KELSQUAD.

>> OH, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY BUT YOUR

FRIENDS ARE GIVING A SPEECH.

SO GOOD.

>> LAST MONTH, KELSEY ASKED YOU

TO GO ON A TRIP WITH HER TO FIND

THE MOST MAGICAL BIRTHDAY

PRESENT FOR MATTHEW.

>> THEY SAY DISNEY'S THE MOST

MAGICAL PLACE ON EARTH.

>> BUT WE'RE BANNED FROM THERE,

SO WE WENT TO NASHVILLE.

**

* OUR KELSEY CALLED US BECAUSE

SHE WANTED TO *

* FIND A REALLY GOOD GIFT FOR

MATTHEW *

* WE WERE AVAILABLE BECAUSE WE

LOVE HER *

* AND BECAUSE WE WANTED THE

DELTA POINTS *

>> WOW, YOU LADIES SURE LOVE

TRAVELING TOGETHER.

WHY ARE YOUR SCHEDULES SO OPEN?

* AND KELSEY SET ONE BOUNDARY

SHE SAID THIS TRIP *

* WAS MEANT TO BE JUST ABOUT A

GIFT FOR MATT *

* MATT AND NOT NOT ABOUT ABOUT

SEEING THE ONE *

* GUY SHE WAS THINKING OF *

>> WHO WERE YOU THINKING OF?

>> YOU, DUMMY.

BUT I NEEDED TO FOCUS ON GETTING

YOU AN AWESOME GIFT.

>> BUT I OPENED MY GIFT ALREADY.

YOU GOT ME A HOODIE FROM HUDSON

NEWS.

* WHILE WE WENT OUT KELS SAT

ALONE IN THE HOTEL *

* AND SAID I DON'T REALLY FEEL

WELL *

* I NEED TO BE ALONE WHEN WE GOT

HOME *

* WE PULLED BACK ALL OF THE

COVERS *

* AND WE SAW THAT THERE WAS JUST

A PUNCH OF PILLOWS *

* WE CHECKED IN WITH THE FRONT

DESK THEY SAID SHE LEFT *

* IN A BIKINI ABOUT FOUR HOURS

AGO *

* SHE WAS HOLDING TWO GRAND IN

CASH AND SHE *

* ONLY CHOSE TO BRING HER BURNER

PHONE *

* ONE NIGHT WITH DOMINGO *

>> OKAY, SO DOMINGO WAS IN

NASHVILLE?

>> YOU COULD HAVE COME ON THE

TRIP, BABE.

>> NO I COULDN'T, I WAS IN

ALBANY ATTENDING A SELF-WORTH

SEMINAR.

>> OUR NASHVILLE TRIP WAS MAGIC.

LIKE DID SOMEONE SAY

ABRACADABRA?

>> NO, NO ONE DID.

>> BABE, I PROMISE, THIS NEXT

SONG WILL NOT BE ABOUT DOMINGO.

* D-O-M-I-N-G-O DOMINGO *

* D-O-M-I-N-G-O DOMINGO *

* THERE'S A MAN WITH A GOATEE

AND A GOLD CHAIN *

* AT THE BAR KELSEY TELLS HIM I

GOT A BRAZILIAN *

* IN THE HOPES THAT YOU'D BE

HAR *

>> YOU GOT A BRAZILIAN WAX FOR

DOMINGO?

* WE WENT TO THE GRAND OLE OPRY

DOMINGO PLAYED GUITAR *

* KELSEY HAD TEARS IN HER EYES

SAID AS A LOVER *

* MATT'S SUBPAR *

* D-O-M-I-N-G-O DOMINGO *

>> YES, OKAY FINE.

I SAW HIM IN NASHVILLE.

BUT BABE, I PROMISE, DOMINGO IS

IN THE PAST.

>> KELSEY, I'M HERE.

>> DOMINGO!

>> HEY MAN, CAME ALL THIS WAY.

NO, JUST KIDDING, I LIVE VERY

CLOSE BY.

KELSEY, THE NIGHT WE SPENT

TOGETHER IN NASHVILLE WAS

ANYTHING BUT ORDINARY.

* I KNOW THAT YOU TOOK A VOW BUT

I AM SO WELL-ENDOWED *

* KELSEY WE GOT A NOISE

COMPLAINT WE SHOOK THE WHOLE

HOTEL *

* A NOISE COMPLAINT I COME IN

AND OUT OF YOUR LIFE *

* BECAUSE I RESPECT THAT YOU ARE

A WIFE *

>> FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS NOT IN

ANY OF YOUR

VOCAL RANGES.

ALSO WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE

2,000 IN CASH?

>> I GOT A VERY EXPENSIVE

BRAZILIAN AS WELL.

MUSICA MAESTRO!

* NASHVILLE WAS SUCH A PRIDE AND

I'M THE BULL *

* SHE LIKES TO RIDE *

* KELSEY WE GOT A NOISE

COMPLAINT *

* WE SHOOK THE WHOLE HOTEL A

NOISE COMPLAINT *

* I MAY BE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE

BUT I RESPECT *

* THAT YOU ARE A WIFE *

>> KELSEY, I'M SERIOUS, THIS IS

STRIKE SIX.

>> HEY, BABE, IT WON'T HAPPEN

AGAIN.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

HOST AND MUSICAL GUEST SABRINA

CARPENTER.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Sabrina Carpenter.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I'm so excited to be here
hosting Saturday Night Live.

Last time

I was here
for the 50th anniversary, where

I got to sing with Paul Simon.

And since then, my new album,
Man's Best Friend came out,

which I'm so excited about.

But, some people got a little,
like, freaked out by the cover.

I'm not sure why
it was just this.

Me on all fours of an unseen
figure pulling my hair.

But what people don't realize is

that's just how they cropped it.

If you zoom out, it's
clearly a picture

from the 50th anniversary
special of Bowen helping me up

by the hair.

After Martin Short
shoved me out of the buffet line

saying something

like daddy need his mini quiche.

Now, since I'm here,
I want to clear up

some misconceptions
people have about me.

Everyone thinks of me

as just like horndog pop star,
but there's really so much

more to me.

I'm not just horny.

I'm also turned on
and I'm sexually charged

and I love to read.

My favorite
book is The Encyclopedia.

It's so big and it's hard and.

Wait, seriously? Okay. Sorry.

There is a real person
underneath

all the sparkles and the wigs,
in the corset.

And another thing
you might not know about me

is that I love to interact

with the audience
during my shows,

so I'd like to do that
right now.

Hi, sir.

What's your name?
My name is Will

Will, what a sexy, unusual name.

Will,

where are you from?

I'm from Maryland.

Maryland.

Ooh, what a sexy, unusual place.

See, I love talking
to normal people.

They're so fascinating
when they're real.

Like you, sir. Hi.

What do you do for work?

Venture capital.

Awesome.

But honestly,
I can have chemistry

with anything like this guy.

Actually, I can't with you.

You do look like my brother.

Okay, I'm
just going to go back up here.

The last one thing I like to do
at my concerts is arrest

someone for being hot.

So who here can
I arrest tonight?

Not so fast, Sabrina Carpenter.

You are under arrest.

For being hot.

No, for falsely

impersonating an officer
200 times at your concerts.

And you're arresting innocent
hot people.

Keenan, you're not a cop.

You're not even in a costume.

What are
you doing here? Okay, fine.

I'm here
to get a cameo from my niece.

Sure. I would love to.

Do you have $200,000?

Good bye.

Well, okay.

If anyone else wants one,
find me on Venmo.

We've got a great show
for you tonight. I'm here to.

So stick around we|ll be
right back

**

>>> HEY, SNACKHOMIEZ WELCOME,

THE

PODCAST ABOUT SNACKS WITH YOUR

HOMIES.

I'M BRAYLOR HERE WITH JASON,

KYLER AND TAYSON.

>> HEY, I'M KYLER.

>> GAME GAME.

>> WE'RE LOWKEY 12 YEARS OLD, SO

TYLER IS 13, HE'S UNC.

>> NO, I'M NOT.

I'M NOT.

>> CHILL, BRO, CHILL.

>> AND HE GOT THE LeBRON

HAIRLINE LOWKEY.

>> STOP.

>> SO IT'S SPOOKY SEASON.

YOU KNOW WE GOT TO TALK BEST

HALLOWEEN CANDY.

TAYSON, DO THE HONORS BRA.

>> I BET.

I'M GOING TO KICK THINGS OFF

WITH A CONTROVERSIAL PICK,

TWIZZLERS.

>> WHAT?

>> OH, NO.

>> NAH TWIZZLERS ARE WASH, THEY

FELL OFF.

>> IT'S LIKE CHEWING A TIRE,

BRO.

>> I DON'T KNOW, TWIZZLERS ARE

FIRE TO ME.

I'M A BIG TWIZZLERS GUY.

>> BET.

ALL RIGHT.

JASON.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY AIRHEADS.

>> OOH.

>> AIRHEADS ARE FIRE TBH.

>> OKAY, WHAT FLAVOR, RED,

WHITE, MYSTERY?

>> DEFINITELY BLUE.

>> I WAS GOING TO SAY BLUE.

>> BLUE IS VALID, BLUE IS FIRE.

>> YOU GUYS -- YOU GUYS TRY THE

SOUR ONES?

>> FIRE.

>> FIRE.

>> GOT TO TRY THEM.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY SNICKERS,

I'M A NUT GUY.

PAUSE.

>> CHILL.

>> CRAZY.

>> NO.

>> FACTS, FACTS.

OKAY.

LET'S GO TO THE NEXT TOPIC,

GOATED VEGETABLES.

WHAT DO WE THINK, FELLOWS, DOWN

WITH GOATED VEGETABLES?

>> IT'S KIND OF A COMPLICATED

QUESTION.

SOME VEGETABLES

ARE FIRE, AND SOME VEGETABLES

LOWKEY BE A FRUIT.

LIKE AVOCADO.

>> YO, WHAT EVEN IS THAT?

>> HOW DOES IT HAVE LIKE A

WOODEN BALL IN THE CENTER?

>> YO, YO.

BUT MISS ME WITH TOMATOES

THOUGH, THAT TEXTURE, NAH.

>> YO, TOMATO IS LIKE IF A APPLE

WAS A GIRL.

>> SO FACTS.

BUT GIRLS ARE FIRE.

>> YEAH, EXCEPT MY SISTER, SHE'S

LOWKEY CHOP, NOT GOING TO LIE.

>> NEVER HAD A VEGETABLE LOWKEY.

>> WAIT, FOR REAL, UNC?

NEVER?

>> NO, IT'S KIND OF GROSS.

>> KYLER, THEY'RE LIKE IMPORTANT

THOUGH.

>> NAH, VEGGIES ARE LOWKEY

CHOPPED.

THEY'RE COOKED.

>> ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE

COOKED.

>> WAIT, SO YOU'VE NEVER HAD

LIKE A LETTUCE?

>> NO LETTUCE IS CHOPPED.

>> LETTUCE IS FIRE WHEN IT'S

CHOPPED.

>> NO CHOPPED LIKE LETTUCE IS

COOKED.

BUT FIRE, THAT'S FIRE.

>> SO FIRE.

>> ACTUALLY FIRE.

>> COOL.

I'M GETTING A LITTLE LOST

ACTUALLY.

>> YEAH, ME TOO.

SO FIRE.

OKAY.

LET'S MOVE ON TO TODAY'S GUEST,

YOU KNOW HIM, HE'S ALL OVER

TIKTOK, PRESIDENT DONALD J.

TRUMP.

>> HELLO, SNACKHOMIEZ, IT'S

BEEN A LONG TIME COMING

WITH REGARD TO SNACKS AND

FRIENDSHIP AND FROM THE

STANDPOINT OF PODCASTS.

>> SO SIR, DO YOU HAVE A

FAVORITE VEGETABLE?

>> YOU KNOW, BRAYLOR, I'VE NEVER

BEEN ONE FOR THE VEGGIES.

DING-DONGS, I LIKE A DING-DONG.

WE LOVE LITTLE DEBBIE, SHE DOES

TREMENDOUS WORK.

IT'S AWFUL WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.

I LIKE THE CHRISTMAS TREE CAKE.

THE CHRISTMAS TREE CAKE.

YOU KNOW, IT

USED TO BE SEASONAL.

BUT I VERY SMARTLY MADE A CALL,

NOW WE GET IT YEAR ROUND.

>> DANG!

THAT IS SO FIRE.

>> IT IS, VERY FIRE.

VERY FIRE.

>> WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON

AIRHEADS?

>> YOU KNOW, AIRHEADS, VERY

INTERESTING TASTE.

LOOK AT CHINA, LOOK AT KOREA,

YOU KNOW.

I'VE SOLVED LIKE SEVEN WARS AT

THIS POINT, RIGHT, AND NO ONE

GIVES ME CREDIT.

IT'S LIKE 100 WARS I'VE SOLVED

RIGHT.

>> SURE.

>> SOMETHING LIKE 200 WARS.

RIGHT?

YOU KNOW ZELENSKYY,

HE ASKED FOR TOMAHAWKS THAT

COULD REACH MOSCOW, AND I USED

TO NOT LIKE THE GUY, BUT HE'S

TOUGH, HE LOVES HIS COUNTRY.

HE LOVES HIS COUNTRY.

YOU KNOW WHO I LIKE IS GEORGE

SANTOS, HE'S WEIRD, HE'S A LIAR.

I THINK HE'S GREAT.

WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

HIM, HE'S ONE OF OUR FAVORITE

PEOPLE.

I DON'T KNOW

HIM AT ALL BUT ONE OF OUR

FAVORITE PEOPLE.

PEOPLE ARE MARCHING BECAUSE

THEY'RE HAPPY HE'S FREE.

IT'S A YES KING MARCH.

THEY SAY YES KING.

MAYBE IF I THINK ABOUT IT, BLUE

AIRHEAD.

>> I TOLD YOU, BRO, THAT'S FIRE.

THANK YOU SIR.

>> VERY FIRE, VERY FIRE.

NOW,

I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU BOYS.

DO YOU THINK I'M GETTING INTO

HEAVEN?

>> UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SIR?

>> AM I GOING TO HEAVEN CHET?

DO I FIT THE CRITERIA IN TERMS

OF CHRISTIAN, WITH REGARD TO

ST. PETER AND

PEARLY GATES?

>> UM, I DON'T KNOW, SIR.

>> PROBABLY NOT, RIGHT?

EPSTEIN.

OH, WELL.

YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A GOOD RUN.

I HAD A GREAT TIME.

>> CAN I JUST SAY I THINK IT'S

KIND OF GOATED THAT EVERYONE CAN

-- GETS TO LIKE THEIR OWN STUFF.

>> WELL, YOU'RE WRONG, UNC, THIS

IS UNC?

IS KYLER UNC?

I SEE THE LeBRON THING NOW I'M

LOOKING.

I THINK UNC IS COOKED.

>> TRUMP JUST VIOLATED, BRO.

>> NOT CHILL.

CHILL.

>> OKAY.

FIRE EPISODE EVERYONE.

THANK YOU, SIR, PEACE.

So what
are you up to this weekend?

Chris and I
are going to hang at home,

which is exactly what I need.

We've had something to do
the past five weekends in a row,

so I'm very much looking forward
to doing literally

nothing.

Is that babe?

My cousin.

She just texted me.

Almost there.

What does that mean?

Oh, God, I think.

I think we have.

We have what.

Plans

for Blumhouse
to steal the plot of insidious?

Annabel. Rise of horror.

Doll comes a terrifying story
about when the thing you agreed

to do.

Four months ago is to do.

What happened

Let me think.

The 4th of July,
the mom's barbecue.

She said she wanted
to come to the city in the fall.

Oh, my God, we got this monster.

7 to 8. Which?
Which cousin is it?

Which cousin is it?

The one who runs marathons.

Thank you.

I ran a five, 15, 28,
but I had to train.

You really want to get into
Berlin the. Way I did?

Losing
toenails is a badge of honor.

But it's okay.
This is okay, Chris.

You guys can hang out,
and I'll just do my own thing.

I mean, she's not my cousin,
so it's like.

Her husband is coming to.

But the guy always shows me
YouTube videos.

Oh, man. You gotta see this.

I can't believe
you haven't seen it in.

11 minutes

and in August.

You know they want to do
drinks here.

The dinner at that viral
ramen place so.

Crowded and overhyped.
Then go to an immersive

play based on the story of
Snow White.

The one where you're
part of the show.

Seven dwarves sit in lies.

Just tell them we have Covid.

They don't believe in.

You thought you were safe.

Hey, want to see 1000
pictures of my dog? No.

Leave me alone, please. No, no.

You thought you were alone.

I have opinions on politics.

I can't
wait for you to hear them all.

It'll be fun.

It's just one night
and we'll have the rest

of the weekend to ourselves.

We're here.

Why do they have suitcases?

You thought you were free.

Didn't I tell you?

They're staying till Monday. No.

Okay, this one's trouble.

Hi shoppers rent and bam here
love on shop TV. Bam!

Looking adorable.

You, sir, are a flirt.

Oh, just call me flirt. Russell.

Flirt, Russell.

Okay, well,
we've got a lot of great deals

coming up later in the hour.

The crafty Christian returns.
That's right.

Tim Tucker needs here
in his new Jesus.

Trick or treat.

Oh, look at that.

Oh my God!

Trick or treat!

Smell my feet.

Walk with Christ
down the Halloween street.

Oh, my God, he's a hoot.

Our producer Odell's over there
smiling.

He's going to buy one.

Well, speaking of Halloween,

you know what the scariest thing
of all is? What?

Airline travel.

Oh, I hate it. It's a war.
So uncomfortable.

Well, that is where
our next seller comes in.

Designer Virginia Duffy
joins us with her

new brand
new ergonomic neck pillow.

And aren't you just the cutest,
tiniest little funniest thing?

Know this.

My nana always said short
folks will be tall in heaven.

That made
me a little sad, actually.

Right. Tell us about this
pillow. Virginia.

Well, it's simply the most comfy
travel pillow out there,

and it stays snug
with magnetic snaps.

Oh, and it's yours
for just 3999.

Why don't you prop this up

and show the shoppers at home
all the neat cushions inside?

Okay.

Ooh! Fun snaps to give us

that name.

Oh, hey, hey.

Oh, I don't know.

Not the best angle on that.

Okay, so.

This outer layer here
is made of memory foam, right?

Okay.

And this inner layer here
is filled with a cool in jail.

Oh, that one now.

One out.

Cool cool cool.

So two different
labial layers and

layers. Very neat.

And it's available
in ten different colors. Oh.

Why would you bring
the pink one.

Okay.

So 39, 99 on that.

And now let me explain what
makes this pillow so great okay.

It's how it feels.

It feels so soft.

Wow. Feel this. Rip.
Oh. I'm good.

All right. Okay, so.

Oh, yeah.

It's unreal. Ooh.

How does it. Feel?

Feels a little wrong, actually.

I have no. Gentle.

You can move your hand around
there. And put it in thing.

Oh, no, no, no, don't say that.

Thank you.

Okay,
I think we're done with that.

How about we go to the phones?

Caller, you're on TV.

What do you think of the new
neck pillow?

I think it looks like a lady's
foot. Hey.

And it gets better.

I don't know if you notice
this little ball up here.

Well, you know.

It did catch my eye
just a little bit.

That lines up
with your next pressure

point and actually vibrate. Oh.

If you touch it right
here, you'll be in heaven.

Let me show you.
No no no no no no no.

No no no no no no no no I'm just
going to turn that off okay.

Oh. All right. Thank you.

Have you ever felt
anything like that?

Oh, not since
my sophomore year. College.

Okay.

All right, let's just put this
down here, if that's okay.

Get that out of the way.

All right, so 39, 99.

Now for Gina. I'm
sorry for Gina.

So sorry about that.

I'm told you have a special
offer for our shoppers.

That's right.

If you

order in the next five minutes,
I will upgrade your pillow

to the deluxe version
for free. Ooh.

With the faux fur lining. Oh!

Oh! Okay.

Yes. Let's take a call.

Hey there, caller, you're on.

You're on TV.

Hi. Is the deluxe pillow
available in redhead?

Yeah. Yeah.

The fur is available
in dark brown or camel hair.

Okay. Yay yay yay.

Next caller. Hi, there.

Yeah.

So, you make any
that are less pretty more.

I don't know, like,
been around a block.

Oh, hey.

I don't understand his question.

Good, good.

Now, this is machine
washable. Correct?

It is easy to clean. No
one wants to get one of these.

All stinky.

Yeah, I do.

And I still want.

Don't hang up on him.

Well,
thanks for joining us, Virginia.

Wait, wait. I can't leave before
you try it out. Right.

Get in here. Oh, wow.

Okay, okay,
I'm gonna go through this.

There I go. All right.

Laura, and. Yay!

Don't play a baby
sandbox on Dale.

Disgusting.

Well,
this has been fun. Virginia.

I designed the packaging myself.

Can I show your viewers the box?

Well,
I think you already did, honey.

We'll be right back after this
quick break.

It actually is super cool.

I can't
believe you talked me into this.

I mean, a girl boss
female confidence seminar.

Not just any seminar.

It's Queen Lisa.

She teaches confidence through
motivational speech and dancing.

Her seminars on girlboss grind
set literally feel like a party.

Here she comes now.

All right.

Yeah.

Who's excited to get
this girlboss party started?

I am plainly shocked.

The girls by coming here.

You're
already on the road to success,

so you don't have to feel
insecurity or FOMO.

No, no, no.

Confidence.

Let's do it.

Let's dance.

Period.

Whoa!

Okay, this is actually.

Kind of fun.

But, man,
they're really swinging her

around. How?

Yeah.

Oh, Queen Lisa.

Oh my God.

Oh, no. It's.

You. Okay?

Yeah.

Oh! My head.

Okay.

I'm okay.

Nothing could
get me down. Now let's dance.

Are we sure she's okay?

Because it

looks like she hit her head
and directly into that dumpster

fire girl.

Nothing stops the queen.

Now listen up, girl.

You want your haters to be
jealous.

Well, jealousy is a disease.

And the vaccine.

Because
when everyone around you,

you know
you're doing something doing.

And that's all. Period.

Let's dance.

Oh I think she has a concussion.

That didn't make any sense.

That just means you don't
believe in yourself, girl.

Oh, girl.

Tune out the FOMO
and get ready to fly.

Like the original
I call Amelia Earhart.

She broke the glass ceiling
by being the first woman

to ever die.

And that's my period.

Like, that was just nonsense.

Now, who here has a problem?

I do, Queen.

So I'm up for promotion at work.

But I think my coworker
Susan is trying to sabotage me.

What do I do?

Girl, there's a special place
now for women who are women.

But when you're
a part of success,

the only thing Susan
be is Anthony.

And I'm on my period.

She needs to go to the hospital.

You guys, come on. Stop.

You're gonna make it worse.

What is your deal?

Do you just hate other women?

I'm worried.

She has a brain injury.

All right.

Now, who here wants to be rich?

Who wants to drive a nice car
and live in a gated community?

Does she mean a gated community?

It must have a rocking body
and be next door neighbors

with Sean Hayes.

So she didn't mean a gay
community?

Well, if you want to do that,
you're going to have to replace

your FOMO with FOMO. No, no, no.

What does that stand for?

I'll tell you what
it stands for.

Fear of missing out on me
or not, on other people's

expectations of me
while I'm on my way

to living my dream
life in the car.

Yeah, that's what it stands for.

And you just got your period.

Wait, so that was planned?

Is. Stop dancing.

You're going to hurt her again.

Another window
successfully prepared.

Suppose I'll just be on my way.

All right.

Whoo! That was a relief.

My window is still safe.

Oh, no. Please do not.

Ha ha ha! Oh!

One more back.

Queen Lisa.

Queen. Lisa, my girl.

We gotta get you to
the hospital.

You clearly have a concussion.

Do I?

Or is your internalized misogyny

so deep rooted
that a woman being confident

and inspiring just sounds like
nonsense to you?

You know what?

Maybe you're
right. Thanks, Queen. Lisa.

**

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH.

LIL' EXTRA GEL IN MY HAIR

TONIGHT.

>> LET'S GET CRAZY.

* YOU KNOW IT, GIRL

IT'S FINALLY TIME

I SEEN YOU EYEIN' ME

AT SCHOOL *

* IT'S BEEN ON

BOTH OF OUR MINDS *

* AND I'M FEELIN' GROWN

TWELVE SPRAYS OF

MY DAD'S COLOGNE *

>> NICE!

* WE COULD GET GET PG-13

IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN *

* IT'S ALMOST SIX PM

TIME TO HIT THE TOWN *

* JUST GOT MY

BRACES TIGHTENED

BOY IT'S GONNA GO DOWN *

* I CAN'T DENY IT, NO

MIGHT HAVE TO TRY IT, YEAH *

* YEAH THAT ONE

SPECIAL THING

I KNOW JUST WHATCHA MEAN *

* AND WE'RE IN MY MOM'S CAR

ROLLIN' UP TO THE SCHOOL *

* CHERRY CHAPSTICK ON

YEAH WE'RE BREAKIN'

THE RULES *

* AND I KNOW THAT IT'S WRONG

BUT IT'S FEELING SO RIGHT

WE'RE 13 BUT

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT *

* WE'RE GONNA GRIND

BACK AND FORTH

GONNA FREAK WITH

THE FRICTION *

* IT'S GRIND TIME

WE GOT NO RHYTHM AND

GOT NO INHIBITIONS *

* OVER THE PANTSIN' ROMANCIN'

HOT AND HEAVY WE'RE DANCIN'

IT'S GRIND TIME

AND THE GYMNASIUM'S JUMPIN' *

* OUR BODIES ARE CHANGING

AND SO IS THE BEAT

BUT I TRY NOT TO SCREAM

WHILE SHE STEPS ON MY FEET *

* I'MA DO WHAT I PLEASES

NO ROOM FOR JESUS *

* WE GETTING'

FREAKAY TONIGHT

DESPITE THE DIFFERENCE

IN HEIGHT *

>> OW, WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S STABBING ME IN THE BACK.

>> I DON'T KNOW AND I'M SCARED.

* WE'RE GONNA GRIND

FRONT TO FRONT

BUTT TO FRONT TO KNEE

IT'S GRIND TIME *

* GETTING' LOOSE

OFF THE SUN CAPRI

I GOT MY BUTT

ON HIS CROTCH'N *

* ALL THE CHAPERONES

WATCHIN' *

>> HI, MOM.

>> CAROLINE, ENOUGH!

PRINCIPAL ATKINS, DO SOMETHING!

PRINCIPAL ATKINS?

* I COULD BE WRITING

MY NOVEL

UPSTATE IN A COTTAGE *

* INSTEAD I'M STUCK

HERE SUPERVISING

PRE-TEEN FROTTAGE *

* SO I LEAVE MY BODY

LET THEM HAVE THEIR FUN

CUZ NO ONE GRINDED ON ME

WHEN I WAS YOUNG *

* WE'RE GONNA GRIND

IT'S OUR ADDICTION

SO INSANE AND DIRTY

IT'S GRIND TIME *

* BUT HURRY UP

THE DANCE IS DONE

AT EIGHT THIRTY *

* CUZ THIS IS

MIDDLE SCHOOL LOVIN'

AWKWARD PUSHIN' AND SHOVIN'

WE'RE GONNA GRIND *

* WHOA-OH

REGARDLESS OF THE SONG *

>> HEY, CAN YOU TOUCH MY BUTT?

>> I THOUGHT THE GUY WAS

SUPPOSED TO DO THAT TO THE GIRL.

>> NO, NO.

I HEAR IT'S WHATEVER THE PERSON

WANTS.

>> OKAY.

MMM, YOU LIKE THAT?

>> YEAH.

>> ALL RIGHT, I'M CALLIN IT.

[ FIRE ALARM ]

>> AWW.

* WE'RE GONNA GRIND *

>> I THINK I LOVE YOU.

>> OH, NO THANK YOU.

*

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

SABRINA CARPENTER.

**

* YOU SAID YOUR

PHONE WAS BROKEN

JUST FORGOT TO CHARGE IT *

* WHOLE OUTFIT

YOU'RE WEARING

GOD I HOPE IT'S IRONIC *

* DID YOU JUST SAY

YOU'RE FINISHED

DIDN'T KNOW WE STARTED *

* IT'S ALL JUST

SO FAMILIAR BABY

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT *

* STUPID

OR IS IT SLOW

MAYBE IT'S USELESS *

* BUT THERE'S A

CUTER WORD FOR IT

I KNOW *

* MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS

COME A-RUNNING TO ME *

* EFF MY LIFE

WON'T YOU LET AN

INNOCENT WOMAN BE *

* NEVER HEARD OF SELF-CARE

HALF YOUR BRAIN

JUST AIN'T THERE *

* MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS

COME A-RUNNING *

* TAKING ALL MY LOVING

FROM ME *

**

* WHY SO SEXY IF SO DUMB

AND HOW SURVIVE THE

EARTH SO LONG *

* IF I'M NOT THERE

IT WON'T GET DONE

I CHOOSE TO BLAME YOUR MOM *

* MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS

COME A-RUNNING TO ME *

* EFF MY LIFE

WON'T YOU LET AN

INNOCENT WOMAN BE *

* NEVER HEARD OF SELF-CARE

HALF YOUR BRAIN

JUST AIN'T THERE *

* MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS

COME A-RUNNING *

* TAKING ALL MY LOVING

FROM ME *

* OH I LIKE MY BOYS

PLAYING HARD TO GET

AND I LIKE MY MEN

ALL INCOMPETENT *

* AND I SWEAR THEY CHOOSE ME

I'M NOT CHOOSING THEM

AMEN, SING IT, HEY MEN *

* OH I LIKE MY BOYS

PLAYING HARD TO GET

AND I LIKE MY MEN

ALL INCOMPETENT *

* AND I SWEAR THEY CHOOSE ME

I'M NOT CHOOSING THEM

AMEN, HEY MEN *

* MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS

COME A-RUNNING TO ME *

* EFF MY LIFE

WON'T YOU LET AN

INNOCENT WOMAN BE *

* OH I LIKE MY BOYS

PLAYING HARD TO GET

AND I LIKE MY MEN

ALL INCOMPETENT *

* AND I SWEAR THEY CHOOSE ME

I'M NOT CHOOSING THEM

AMEN, HEY MEN *

YEAH.

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update

with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Good evening. Everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm
Michael che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well yesterday
president Trump finally released

what everyone
has been asking him to release.

Jorge Santos,

the former
Republican congressman

who had pled guilty to fraud
and something called aggravated

identity theft,

which I think is
when you push someone

into a closet and switch clothes
with them, is

now free and we'll face
zero consequences.

But Santos says that
he's a changed man,

and he even released a photo
of his new prison body.

Low demand Zelinski has said
that if President Trump provides

Ukraine with Tomahawk missiles,

he will nominate Trump
for a Nobel Peace Prize.

You know the prize they give
you for selling missiles.

There was outrage this
week over a leaked group chat

between Republican leaders,
which praised Hitler

and referred to black Americans
as watermelon people.

The chat was named Juice Family.

Oh, what did I do to you?

While traveling on Air Force
One to the Middle East

to celebrate the cease fire.

President Trump told reporters,

I don't think there's anything

that's
going to get me into heaven.

Then he paused
for ten full minutes,

waiting for someone to say,
that's not true,

because Trump can't
go to heaven.

He's far too busy down here
running hell.

President Trump
announced that another alleged

drug smuggling
boat from Venezuela

has been blown out of the water
without warning.

And you may not think

that's a big deal right now,
but one day soon, you'll

look at yourself in the mirror
and realize

you're out of cocaine.

President Trump criticized time
magazine

for using a bad picture of him
on the cover,

saying, quote,
they disappeared my hair.

And I gotta agree, that thing do

look waxed.

Oh, John Bolton,
who wants people

to stop coming up to him
to order chicken,

has become the third person on

President Trump's
enemies list to be indicted.

And you know,

you are living your life, right
when you keep an actual list

of your enemies.

At least that's
what my therapist told me.

So now she's on the list to.

Hundreds of people in Portland
sent a message to Ice to leave

their city by riding their bikes
naked through the rain.

And you're
not going to believe this.

It didn't work.

A new report shows

that of the nearly 100 Trump
nominees confirmed

by the Senate,
only two of them were black.

Two black people out of 100.

I mean, what
is this? My Tinder matches?

Nope.

I like the Argentine president,

Javier Melaye, seen here asking
if he makes you horny.

Baby.

Met with President Trump
at the white House

this week, where Trump

announced he's sending
$40 billion to Argentina.

Because if history is any guide,
a lot of Trump officials

will end up fleeing
to Argentina.

Hey, one clap.

In the clinch, on the other
side.

In it.

Clinching in the clinching
game of the NLCS, Dodgers

star Shohei
Ohtani pitched six scoreless

innings, struck out ten batters,
then hit three home runs.

It is a scene.

It is a feat
previously only accomplished

by Jorge Santos.

During the first New York
mayoral debate, Andrew

Cuomo attacked Zoran Mamdani,
saying that he once gave

the finger to the Columbus Day
statue, whereas Cuomo

snuck up behind the statue
and grabbed him by the hips.

IT'S SCARY MOVIE SEASON.

THE RESIDENT CINEPHILE, THE

MOVIE GUY.

>> HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING

TONIGHT?

I'M THE MOVIE GUY.

I'M HERE TALKING ABOUT SCARY

MOVIES.

OOH.

>> OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

SCARY MOVIES.

MOVIE GUY, LET'S START WITH

"BLACK PHONE 2," JUST CAME OUT

THIS WEEKEND.

>> OH, YEAH, "BLACK PHONE 2,"

RING RING, HELLO, OH, NO, SORRY,

YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER

BECAUSE I HAVE NOT SEEN THAT ONE

YET.

>> OKAY, WELL I GUESS IT

JUST CAME OUT.

WHAT ABOUT THE BIGGEST HORROR

MOVIE OF THE YEAR,

"WEAPONS."

>> YEAH, "WEAPONS," THAT WAS A

VERY BIG MOVIE.

EVERYBODY SAW "WEAPONS," AND I

HAVE TO TELL YOU, I WAS

NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

>> DO YOU EVEN LIKE SCARY

MOVIES?

>> I LOVE SCARY MOVIES BECAUSE

IN THE TITLE THEY TELL YOU WHAT

GOING TO HAPPEN.

LIKE "SCREAM."

EVERYBODY SCREAM.

"SMILE," EVERYBODY SMILE.

AND "SAW."

EVERYBODY SAW EXCEPT ME, I DID

NOT SEE "SAW."

>> HOW ABOUT CLASSIC HORROR

MOVIES LIKE "THE EXORCIST"?

>> THAT'S ABOUT A SCARY CHILD.

YOU KNOW WHO IS THE SCARIEST

CHILD?

STEWIE.

>> WHO?

>> STEWIE.

>> TOOEY?

>> STEWIE GRIFFITH.

COME ON.

HIS FATHER IS FAT, HIS MOTHER IS

SKINNY, AND SHE ALWAYS GETTING

MAD AT HIM.

I CAN SEE WHY, HIS HEAD LOOKS

LIKE A VAGINA DESTROYER.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> I'M TALKING ABOUT SCARY

MOVIES MAN.

>> NOT REALLY.

>> WHAT MOVIE IS REALLY SCARY,

THE ONE WITH

MICHAEL MYERS.

>> "HALLOWEEN."

>> NO, "SHREK."

THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT EVERY MAN'S

BIGGEST FEAR.

YOU GO TO SLEEP WITH A BEAUTIFUL

WOMAN AND THEN YOU WAKE UP AND

GO HOW DRUNK WAS I LAST NIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

COLIN.

YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW.

>> LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS, OKAY?

CAN WE FOCUS ON SCARY MOVIES.

"I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST

SUMMER."

>> WHAT DID I DO?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> SO WHOA WOULD YOU SAY

SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

>> WHAT ABOUT THE MOVIE "IT"?

>> I DID NOT SEE THAT.

>> "ALIEN"?

>> NO COLIN, I'M AN AMERICAN

CITIZEN.

>> ALL RIGHT.

MOVIE GUY, I FEEL LIKE I

SHOULD HAVE SAID THIS TWO

MINUTES AGO, BUT IT'S

TIME TO WRAP THIS UP.

>> OKAY.

BUT BEFORE I GO, CAN I DO A

JOKE?

>> SURE, YOU CAN TELL A JOKE.

GREAT.

>> OKAY, THIS IS A JOKE ABOUT A

SCARY MOVIE FROM 2008.

OKAY?

THE MOVIE IS CALLED "ONE MISSED

CALL."

IN THIS MOVIE, THE PHONE RINGS,

AND IF YOU DON'T PICK IT UP, YOU

DIE.

AND I'M LIKE, IS THIS MOVIE

ABOUT MY MOTHER?

AM I RIGHT, GUYS?

>> MOVIE GUY, EVERYONE.

>> HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Skims has introduced a new line
of thong underwear called

Ultimate Bush, which features
synthetic pubic hair,

and I know a guy
who could wear it as a scarf.

Okay,

retailers are saying
that the top kids costumes

for Halloween this year
are the K-pop Demon Hunters.

Or as it's sold at spirit
Halloween, Asians singing

murderers.

Visitors

to the San Diego Zoo's gorilla
exhibit were startled

when one of the apes
shattered the glass ceiling. Oh.

Inspiring.

So I'm proud of the ape
inspired.

Britain's Prince Andrew
announced

that after a discussion
with King Charles

about his friendship
with Jeffrey Epstein,

he will stop using his royal
title Duke of York

and instead will go
by the King of Kinston, Jareth.

I'm proud of that. So.

Do it.

Officials are saying this year's
fall foliage

season will end sooner
and will have more muted colors.

Cool.

Guess I'll just kill myself in.

What happened to you, man?

Doctors in China transplanted
a genetically modified pig liver

into a man who lived for 171
days after the procedure.

The liver will now be sent
to a special facility

for experimental animal organs.

You okay, buddy?

Yeah, I'm doing great.

Census data shows
that New York is ranked

as one of the states
for most residents moving out.

Here to talk about that
is someone who just moved in.

New cast
member Tommy Brennan. Hi.

Hi, Colin.

Hey, Tommy. Welcome.

So you just moved to New York.
What do you think so far?

Well, it's
a little different from home.

I'm from the Midwest.

Not sure if you can tell

from my kind eyes
and secret drinking problem, but

I'm from, like,
a big Minnesotan family.

I'm one of eight kids.

Eight kids? Wow.
You do not see that a lot.

Yeah, I think probably
because it's the wrong choice.

Like it is too many kids.

You know, I know that

we had a cafeteria style milk
machine at home.

We had a milkman.

Tim the milkman was like
a big part of my life.

He'd show up, he'd
replace the milk.

We'd play catch,
he'd call me son.

I'd be like,
why do I look so much like you?

It's.

It sounds like you grew up
in, like, the 1930s.

Well, yeah, I didn't, but
I do kind of look like I did,

like, I look like a locket photo
during World War one.

You know, like,
I looked like a guy

who was really good
at football integration.

I, I will I will say.

I will say
I think the way I grew up

has really helped me
adjust to New York.

Like everyone
says, public transit is wild.

But for my entire entire
childhood, the ten of us

rode around in a seven seater
Chevy Astro van.

So anywhere we drove, it

kind of looked like
we were being trafficked.

So I love the subway.

I can hang down there.

I've been watching people jump
over those turnstiles.

And today

I finally worked up the courage
and I jump my first one. Hey.

Man. Congrats, buddy.

Jumped your first turnstile.
Yeah. It was, it was cool.

It was exhilarating
and thrilling.

It was,
it was on the way out, but.

Like, it felt good.

It still, it counts, you know?

Yeah. It counts. It counts.

You're a good boy.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm a good boy.

I guess

I'm just.

I'm just, like, really scared of

being in trouble all the time
because I grew up Catholic,

which means I grew up, like,
feeling guilty.

But I never knew what for.

Because when.

When you're a kid,
when you grow up Catholic, like,

the only sins you really know

are like breaking
the Ten Commandments.

Don't steal, don't kill.

You have the right to bear arms
or whatever.

And, And so I never really knew
what to say,

like in confession,
because I couldn't confess

the one sin that me
and every other 12 year old boy

was committing constantly.

You know what I referred
to back then as Tommy Time?

You know, shucking my corn.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I get, like, a confession.

I couldn't be like,
yeah, I've been going

to town on myself lately.

It's kind of all I do, honestly.
It's.

It's consuming my life, father.

And if I wasn't in here, that's
what I'd be doing.

And I can't say that
because any of you, like,

you can do it in here.

I'm doing it.

For you.

Get out
of here. I'm not messing.

>>> OKAY, NEXT TIME I GUESS.

HEY FOLKS, YOU LOOKING FOR A NEW

WASHER AND DRYER?

>> YES.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> FEAR NOT, WE HAVE PLENTY OF

GREAT OPTIONS FOR YOU.

WE HAVE THIS GREAT ECOFRIENDLY

MODEL HERE.

AND WHEN IT'S DONE, IT DOES THIS

FUN LITTLE JINGLE.

**

>> IT IS A FUN JINGLE, WOULDN'T

MIND GETTING THAT STUCK IN MY

HEAD.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD GET

STUCK IN OUR HEAD, OUR

ANNIVERSARY, IT'S TODAY.

>> ONCE YOU CHEATED, I CHOSE TO

FORGET.

>> WELL, WE ALSO HAVE THIS LG

MODEL.

IT'S 50% OFF AND WHEN IT'S DONE,

YOU'LL HEAR THIS.

>> OH, HALF OFF, THAT'S GREAT.

>> YEAH, BUT DOESN'T HAVE THAT

JINGLE.

I REALLY LIKED THAT.

>> WELL, IF IT'S A JINGLE YOU

CRAVE, I DO HAVE THIS SPECIAL

WASHER AND DRYER DUO, I DON'T

SHOW THESE TO JUST ANYONE.

**

* YOUR CLOTHES ARE DONE YOUR

CLOTHES ARE DONE *

* I WET THEM AND I WASHED THEM

AND YOUR CLOTHES *

* ARE DONE I'M THE WASHER I'M

THE DRYER *

* WE WASHED ALL YOUR CLOTHES GOT

THE STAINS RIGHT OUT *

* AND THEY'RE ALMOST TOTALLY

DRY *

>> OKAY.

WHOA.

I REALLY LIKED THAT.

KIND OF A

SWINGING '20s VIBE.

VERY FUN.

>> I DON'T KNOW, AT THE END THEY

SAID CLOTHES WILL BE ALMOST

TOTALLY DRY.

SEEMS BAD.

>> MM-HMM, TELL ME MA'AM, DO YOU

EVER WASH DELICATES?

>> YES, ACTUALLY.

WHEN HE GOES OUT OF TOWN, I

TEND TO WASH A LOT OF DELICATES.

* OH, CHILD COME REST YOUR WEARY

HEAD *

* OH, CHILD I'LL BE DELICATE *

>> WE ATE TWO OF YOUR SHIRTS!

>> YUM!

>> WOW, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

>> LOOK, SIR, I'LL BE FRANK, I

TEND TO EAT A LOT OF SPAGHETTI

ON MY BICYCLE, HOW IS THE POWER

WASH SETTING?

>> YOU TELL ME.

* GIMME THAT POWER WASH *

>> OH, PERFECT, THAT'S HOW LONG

THEY ALL SHOULD BE.

* GIMME THAT POWER WASH, GIMME

THAT POWER *

* GIMME THOSE DIRTY CLOTHES I'LL

MAKE IT LOUDER *

* GIMME THAT POWER WASH GO FOR

AN HOUR *

* THEY WON'T GET DIRTIER UNLESS

THEY DO *

>> SOLD!

>> WHAT?

THEY JUST SAID THE CLOTHES MIGHT

GET DIRTIER.

>> BABE, LET'S DO A PROS

AND CONS LIST.

PROS, THE SONGS ARE DYNAMITE,

I'M ATTRACTED TO THE MACHINES.

>> YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT THE

PERMANENT PRESS SETTING.

>> WELL, WELL, WELL, YOU WANT TO

KNOW ABOUT PERM NEPT

PERMANENT PRESS?

>> YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT

PLACE.

>> LET'S TAKE YOU FOR A SPIN.

* PERMANENT PRESS *

* PERMANENT -- PRESS PERMANENT

PRESS *

* PERMANENT PRESS OH --

PERMANENT -- PRESS *

* PERMANENT PRESS PERMANENT

PRESS *

* WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS

YEAH *

>> WE WILL TAKE THEM BOTH.

>> SOLD!

**

God. Don't you
just love it when it's someone's

birthday in the office?

It makes a regular day
feel special.

Every day special
when I'm working with my.

Crush, Liz.

You know,
I'm married to a model.

Okay. She's coming.

Everybody hide!

It's the voice.

Have.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Happy.

Jesus Christ.

I'm. I'm sorry.

Laura, we just wanted to do
something for your birthday.

Oh, you sure did.

I'm feeling
pretty special right now.

Sorry. We thought you'd like it.

You thought I was like,
what were you,

a dark room thinking
I'm being attacked.

I almost passed. Out.

I think you just got scared
and farted a little.

Okay.

Can we just work?
God. Yeah, sure.

Let's, let's start the meeting.
I think that's a great idea.

I mean,
it's just what you guys wanted,

To see me lose
full control of my body.

Laura, seriously.

We're sorry.

You know what?

I think I'm just going to open
my presents alone in my office,

if that's okay. Oh,

I don't know that
we have more presents.

More presents.

That was my present.

I mean, where do you guys

even get an idea
for something like this?

I mean, it's
actually a pretty common thing.

Most people laugh.

Well, I laugh to guess.

Just not out of my butt.

I mean, I laugh too, I guess.

Just not out of my mouth.

Who do I send the thank.

You note to everyone
or you're sorry?

Most people like it.

Okay, let's
just put it behind us.

I won't put it behind us.

No. You know what?

Since everyone likes it so much,
let's see what Jen thinks.

Jen? Jen,
can you come in here, please?

Surprise!

Oh. Oh!

Oh! Oh!

See? Yeah.

I think that was you again.
Okay.

Go go go.

Just go.

You know what?

Can I just know whose idea
this was?

So I can sleep tonight?

It was mine. Yeah, I knew it.

You've been out for me
since the beginning,

so I started a week ago.

You want my job,
and you've made that very clear.

I think I'm above you. You are?

I think so. Is that true?

Is it real?

Yeah. I mean,
I think we all are. What?

Since when?

Over time, I guess
we all just got promoted.

What?

But I'm I was right.

I was right into the
sea. The CEO.

Why would you think that?

I'm the CEO.

So it says on the mug
you guys gave me.

It stands for Chief
Snack Officer.

It was a joke because you're
addicted to veggie straws. Oh.

So how much you guys make?

We're not doing that.

How much you make?

Come on. I'm not saying.

Hey, how much do you make
over there? You.

How much do you make?

You need to stop.

Okay, fine.
Everyone just raise your hand.

If you make more than 950
an hour.

You're not even salaried salary.

What does that mean?
What is a salary?

You don't know what a salary is.

And you thought you were
an executive.

Oh, my God,
I just bought a second house.

Oh. Oh, am
I still on the fire, people?

You were never allowed.

To fire people. Cool.

Great birthday.

Everybody farted
and got demoted.

You weren't demoted.

You just learned
what your job is.

Great.

Then I just farted.

I have to go.

Wait, Laura, it's your birthday.

You deserve a real gift.

I mean, is there anything
we could do to make you happy?

To make up for all this?
Anything?

Yeah. Whatever. Yeah.

Tell me how much you make.

Fine.

180 K.

Plus benefits.

And stock options.

Stop giving her details.

And, Laura, maybe I can talk to
HR about getting you

a promotion to.

Okay, we have
got to get out of this room.

Okay, who's ready for cake?

Oh, no.

What? Oh.

Guess we thought the office
was going to blow up

because of Laura's embarrassing.

Party city.

Just get balloons.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, SABRINA

CARPENTER.

**

* HI I HOPE YOU'RE GREAT

I THINK IT'S TIME

WE TOOK A BREAK *

* SO I CAN GROW EMOTIONALLY

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID TO ME *

* HERE WE GO AGAIN

CRYING IN BED

WHAT A FAMILIAR FEELING *

* ALL MY FRIENDS IN LOVE

AND I'M THE ONE THEY CALL

FOR A THIRD WHEELING *

* PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE GUESSED

HE'S LIKE THE REST

SO FINE AND SO DECEIVING *

* THERE'S NOBODY'S SON

NOT ANYONE LEFT FOR ME

TO BELIEVE IN *

**

* ME, NO YEAH I'M GOOD

JUST THOUGHT THAT

HE EVENTUALLY

WOULD CAVE IN, REACH OUT *

* BUT NO SIREE

HE DISCOVERED SELF-CONTROL

HE DISCOVERED IT THIS WEEK

THIS WEEK, OH AH *

* HERE WE GO AGAIN

CRYING IN BED

WHAT A FAMILIAR FEELING *

* ALL MY FRIENDS IN LOVE

AND I'M THE ONE THEY CALL

FOR A THIRD WHEELING *

* PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE GUESSED

HE'S LIKE THE REST

SO FINE AND SO DECEIVING *

* THERE'S NOBODY'S SON

NOT ANYONE LEFT FOR ME

TO BELIEVE IN

BELIEVE IN, OH WHOA WHOA *

* THAT BOY IS CORRUPT AH

COULD YOU RAISE HIM

TO LOVE ME MAYBE *

* HE SURE EFFED ME UP AH-AH

AND YES I'M TALKING 'BOUT

YOUR BABY *

* THAT BOY IS CORRUPT AH

GET PTSD ON THE DAILY *

* HE SURE EFFED ME UP AH-AH

AND YES I'M TALKING 'BOUT

YOUR BABY *

* HERE WE GO AGAIN

CRYING IN BED

WHAT A FAMILIAR FEELING *

* ALL MY FRIENDS IN LOVE

AND I'M THE ONE THEY CALL

* PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE GUESSED

HE'S LIKE THE REST

SO FINE AND SO DECEIVING *

* THERE'S NOBODY'S SON

NOT ANYONE LEFT FOR ME

TO BELIEVE IN *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

>>> NOW, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT GROWING UP I WAS ALWAYS TOLD

TO NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS

COVER.

BUT WHEN I WATCHED THE NEWS, I

FEEL LIKE NOBODY ELSE REMEMBERS

THAT LESSON.

>> LABUBU?

>> NO TEETH.

>> YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT TEETH.

>> SO I WANTED TO PUT THAT TO

THE TEST TONIGHT WITH A LITTLE

SOCIAL EXPERIMENT.

I FILLED A THEATER WITH

PROFESSIONAL ACTORS DRESSED TO

LOOK STEREOTYPICALLY DANGEROUS

OR SCARY.

NOT THE TYPE ONE MIGHT EXPECT TO

ENCOUNTER IN AN UPSCALE

NEIGHBORHOOD.

I WANTED TO SEE IF PEOPLE WOULD

JUDGE THEM BASED ON THEIR

APPEARANCE.

AND WHAT I FOUND FRANKLY

DISAPPOINTED ME.

OKAY.

FIRST GUY IS GOING IN.

**

BUT IT WASN'T JUST HIM, EVERYONE

WAS JUDGING MY ACTORS BASED ON

THEIR APPEARANCES.

EVEN THIS LADY, WHO I THOUGHT

WOULD BE WOKE BECAUSE OF THE

HAIRCUT.

MISS, MISS, WHY DID YOU LEAVE

THAT MOVIE THEATER?

>> BECAUSE EVERYONE WAS DRESSED

AS FRANKENSTEIN, AND THE MOVIE I

WANTED TO SEE DOES NOT HAVE

FRANKENSTEIN IN IT.

>> WOW, SO YOU ASSUMED THEY WERE

THERE TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT

FRANKENSTEIN JUST BECAUSE OF THE

COLOR OF THEIR SKIN?

>> THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN WAS

GREEN.

>> SHE JUST SAID THE QUIET PART

OUT LOUD.

IF YOU WALKED INTO THE THEATER

TO SEE THE FANTASTIC 4 AND THE

WHOLE AUDIENCE WAS ASIAN, WHAT

WOULD YOU ASSUME THEN?

>> WHAT WOULD YOU ASSUME?

>> UM.

>> SLIGHTLY PROBLEMATIC.

>> EVERYONE WAS FAILING MY TEST

AND BEFORE LONG MY FRANKENSTEINS

WERE STARTING TO LOSE FAITH.

EVEN MY OWN GIRLFRIEND FAILED

WHEN I PERFORMED THE SAME

EXPERIMENT IN HER APARTMENT.

>> WE BROKE UP THREE MONTHS AGO.

>> AND AS MY EXPERIMENT EVOLVED,

I FOUND THAT PEOPLE JUDGED

ANYONE WHO LOOKED DIFFERENTLY.

EVEN A FRIENDLY FACE.

I HAD REACHED A LOW POINT.

ALSO THAT FRANKENSTEIN I THOUGHT

FELL ASLEEP ACTUALLY HAD DIED.

BUT THEN, FINALLY, ONE MAN

WALKED INTO

THAT THEATER WITHOUT JUDGMENT.

>> HEY, WHAT'S UP.

HUNGRY?

>> THIS MAN HAD NO REACTION AT

ALL TO BEING IN A THEATER FULL

OF FRANKENSTEINS, NOT BEFORE,

DURING OR AFTER THE MOVIE.

>> REALLY?

>> I HAD TO TALK TO HIM.

EXCUSE ME, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUDGE

THE FRANKENSTEINS.

>> WHO IS FRANKENSTEIN?

>> YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF

FRANKENSTEIN?

>> I KNOW A TOM FRANKENBURG.

>> MARY SHELLEY'S FRANKENSTEIN?

>> I LOVE MARY SHELLEY.

>> I TOOK GOTHIC LITERATURE.

>> AND YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF

FRANKENSTEIN?

>> DOESN'T RING A BELL.

>> EVERYONE WAS GREEN.

>> LIKE SHREK.

>> FRANKENSTEIN.

TOM FRANKENBURG.

>> YOU ALREADY TOLD ME ABOUT TOM

FRANKENBURG.

I HAD NEVER BEEN SO CONFUSED BUT

LATER REFLECTING ON THE MEANING

OF LIFE,

I REALIZED THE ONLY WAY TO TRULY

RID THE WORLD OF JUDGMENT WAS

THROUGH THE POWER OF SONG.

* WE ARE FRANKENSTEINS NO NEED

TO JUDGE US *

* WE ARE THE ONES MADE OUT OF

DEAD PEOPLE AND *

* CAME TO LIFE *

>>> AND THAT'S OUR SHOW.

THANK YOU EVERYBODY, THANKS SO

MUCH TO LORNE, TO THE AMAZING

CAST AND CREW.

THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF MY BIGGEST

DREAMS.

I'M SO GRATEFUL.

THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME, THANK

YOU FOR LAUGHING AND BEING AN

AMAZING AUDIENCE.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT NIGHT

TONIGHT.