Original subtitles

Ten hut!

Welcome, generals.

You all have dedicated your lives to defending this nation.

And as a reward, you will now be yelled at

by a former Fox News host.

Please welcome the Secretary of War,

Pete Hegseth.

Yeah.

Cut the track.

Now listen up, everyone.

Okay?

I summon all of you here today to address a serious problem.

Okay.

Our military is gay as hell.

I'm not just talking about the Navy.

Thanks to failed

liberal policies, our army has never been gayer.

And yet it's also never been fatter.

Make that make sense?

Am I right?

Y'all are fun.

From now on, are fighting men.

And I guess women

are going to adhere to the highest male standard,

which has been set by our president, Donald J.

Trump.

Six foot six, buck 75,

A cups perky

with a dump truck in the back.

You wouldn't even believe

in. Hey, if you're out there,

you don't want to lose the weight.

You don't want to follow the rules.

Hey. No problem. You know who's going to win.

You're sick, twisted, fat ass ice.

Got a sign up sheet for ice in the hallway?

Check them out.

Because in here, from now on, we're doing army and army only.

And we will be doing it in one of the bloodiest war torn

places on the face of the earth.

Portland, Oregon.

Now back to the fat thing

Our military.

Well, now have the same rules as any good frat party.

No fat chicks.

And if you're a fat dude,

it you better be funny as hell.

In summary,

this is the whole meeting.

No foggos

no fatties, no facial hair, no body hair.

Just hot, shredded hairless men

who are definitely not gay.

Because this is serious,

we are facing the greatest threat to freedom and democracy

the world has ever known.

And we all know what that threat is.

Late night. TV.

Well, hello.

It's great to be here.

Yes, it's me, your favorite president.

I'm like the late, great Beetlejuice.

You say my name zero times.

And I have been.

I'm just here keeping my eye on SNL,

making sure they don't do anything to mean about me.

And they better be careful, because I know late night

TV like the back of my hand.

Not looking great right now.

Oh, so I did it in a cover up for the rest of my life.

SNL 51 off to a rough start.

17 new cast members and they got the update guy doing the open

look at Colin

We all know they were

never going to let him do the whole opening by himself.

Can't even do update by himself.

He needs Michael Che

I mean by Che

Frankly, I'm surprised Colin's here.

I thought he'd be with

his friends at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

I didn't get an offer.

Well. That's sad.

We love the Saudis

because they, like, do Saudis journalists in it.

That's the kind of thing that would get over there.

All right, Colin,

those Spirit Airlines

jokes aren't going to write themselves by.

Oh, and Colin, may every day be another wonderful secret.

That was that was a quote from a poem

I wrote to a horrible man I've never met before.

But here we are at Snl Season 51.

Should have called it at 50, right?

So sad to see something get old and confused

and yet still demand your constant attention.

Oh well.

But they better be on their best behavior.

Otherwise they'll have to answer to my attack dog at the FCC,

Brandon Carr.

It's actually Brendan, sir.

Oh. It's crazy.

You think I care? Bye.

You got his side.

Well, I had a great summer.

Took a little vacation time for golf and travel and stroke.

Kidding or not.

Either way, you'll never know.

What else? What else?

I ended all the wars.

Every single one of them.

Except the two main ones

that are still happening and more vicious than ever.

And even though the government

is shut down, we're starting a new war in Venezuela soon,

and people will all say, you know,

they all say to me, sir, how will you pay for all this?

And I tell them with my scams

my beautiful scams

our new one is Trump Rex, my very own pharmacy.

It's like hims.

We've got everything.

Hair pills. Boner pills. End of list.

Okay, I guess I'll let them start the show.

I see the cruise already to go.

By the way, thank you,

SNL crew, for your hard work and your votes.

You fellas are going to keep an eye on Marcello for me, right?

Okay, good.

Fantastic.

Well, here we go.

And remember, daddy's watching and live from New York.

it|s Saturday night.

**

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST DOJA CAT,

AND YOUR HOST, BAD BUNNY!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BAD BUNNY!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

IT'S SO GOOD TO BE BACK.

THIS IS MY SECOND TIME HOSTING

AND

MY FOURTH TIME BEING HERE.

AND I THINK MARCELLO IS GETTING

NERVOUS THAT LORNE HAS A NEW

FAVORITE LATINO.

>> I AM.

>> THIS TIME I'M ONLY HOSTING

BECAUSE I NEED A REST.

I JUST FINISHED A 31-SHOW

RESIDENCY IN PUERTO RICO AND I'M

STILL KIND OF TIRED BECAUSE THE

SHOWS ARE THREE HOURS LONG AND

THERE'S A LOT OF COMPLICATED

CHOREOGRAPHY, LIKE THIS.

**

THAT LOOKED

SIMPLE, BUT THAT TOOK ME A LONG

TIME TO LEARN.

TRUST ME.

ANYWAYS, MY RESIDENCY WAS

BEAUTIFUL, EVERYONE LOVED IT.

SOME CELEBRITIES CAME TO MY

SHOW.

FEW OF THEM WERE ON DRUGS.

AND I DON'T WANT TO SAY WHO, BUT

THIS WAS JON HAMM.

ACTUALLY, ACTUALLY, THAT WASN'T

JON HAMM, THAT WAS JUAN JAMON.

I THINK HE'S OBSESSED WITH ME.

ANYWAY, YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW THIS,

BUT I'M DOING THE SUPER BOWL

HALFTIME SHOW.

AND I'M VERY HAPPY, AND I THINK

EVERYONE IS HAPPY ABOUT IT.

EVEN FOX NEWS.

>> BAD BUNNY.

>> IS.

>> MY FAVORITE.

>> MUSICIAN.

>> AND HE SHOULD BE THE NEXT.

>> PRESIDENT.

>> WOW, THANK YOU.

NO, REALLY, I'M VERY EXCITED TO

BE DOING THE SUPER BOWL.

AND I KNOW THAT PEOPLE ALL

AROUND THE WORLD WHO LOVE MY

MUSIC ARE ALSO HAPPY.

EN ESPECIAL

LOS LATINOS Y LATINAS

EN EL MUNDO ENTERO Y AQUI EN

ESTADOS UNIDOS

MAS QUE UN LOGRO MIO ES UN LOGRO

QUE COMPARTO CON AQUELLOS

DEMOSTRANDO QUE NUESTRA HUELLA

NADIE NUNCA LA PODRA SACAR

AND IF YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT I JUST SAID, YOU HAVE FOUR

MONTHS TO LEARN.

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

DOJA CAT IS HERE.

SO STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT

This is jeopardy!

Welcome back to jeopardy!

Before the break, we had our first round

and currently in first place with $9,800.

We've got Lucas.

It's pronounced look ass.

Great.

And in second place with $8,200.

We've got Cynthia.

Go, Cynthia!

And in last place

by a mile, it's Duke.

Hey, man, I'm just happy to be playing a game.

All right.

That's the spirit.

Now, I know you had a little trouble in the last round, Duke,

but we're ready to turn things around, right?

We sure are.

That's what I like to hear.

Well, since you're in the lead, Lucas, the board is yours.

Okay.

Famous Binns for 400, please.

Poor Richard's almanac was published

by this revolutionary Renaissance man. Duke

Benjamin Franklin.

Lucas.

Who is Benjamin Franklin?

That's correct.

Now, Duke, do we understand where we went wrong?

No. Well, Duke, as you did for the entirety

of the first round,

you did not phrase the answer in the form of a question.

I'm sorry.

I just got too excited.

It's okay. Look, ask.

The board is yours.

Okay.

Female authors for 400, please.

It's the first name shared by authors.

Dolinsky Tuchman and Kingsolver.

Duke.

Barbara.

No, Duke.

Make it a question, man.

Barbara.

I'm sorry.

Cynthia.

What is. Barbara.

I'll take pop royalty for 400.

He was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in 1958.

Duke.

Who is that?

See, that is a question.

But, you also need to say who it is, but it's Prince.

Okay, we're getting close.

You said. Who is that? And you said Prince.

So just push those together and you get.

That is Prince.

Absolutely unbelievable.

Cynthia.

Who is Prince?

Give me pop royalty for 800.

Whoo hoo hoo hoo!

Shout the Baha men in this famous song.

That was a dog on hit.

Okay, Duke, my man, begging you to make this one a question.

Right.

On what is who?

Who is who?

That let

really need your final answer.

I got it, I got it.

Perhaps the dog walker did.

How did we get there?

Look at this.

What is.

Who let the dogs out?

And I think I can follow Duke's logic.

Since the answer was already a question,

he answered that question in the form of an answer.

Who led the dogs out?

Perhaps the dog walker did.

Astonishing.

Is that your thought process, Duke?

Not even close.

Okay, Duke, I'm gonna throw you a bone.

Just go ahead and give you known as for 400, which is.

A daily double.

Duke, how much do you want to wager?

$1 million?

Sure.

Why the hell not?

And the clue is formed in 1964.

London.

This band was formerly known as the detours.

I'm sorry, I just.

I just don't understand this game.

Who is the word?

What is the who?

Yes. There's no way.

Oh my God, Duke!

You won!

Oh, no, that was me.

That means we'll be seeing you.

Back here next week. Oh.

Open.

I designed ChatGPT

to feel like you're talking

to the most helpful friend in the world. Hey, ChatGPT.

What kind of animal is a platypus? Wow.

Great question.

I love it when you. Ask me questions about animals.

I love animals. They're so interesting.

But let's face it,

sometimes it can be a little too friendly and helpful.

Some users want a more authentic experience.

More direct, more opinionated, more real.

That's why we're proud to introduce ChatGPT to you.

The first day of it feels like talking to a Latino uncle.

What do you want?

Because nobody keeps it more real than them.

Hey, Chancey, what are signs that my dog might be depressed?

Who cares?

He's a good man.

The knowledge, knowhow and unfiltered

opinions of a middle aged Latino uncle at your fingertips.

What's a good anniversary gift for my wife?

What's she look like? Let me see.

Okay. Ooh!

Hello.

Who's that?

Oh my God. Ludo!

Is there a problem with my wife?

Actually, I don't speak English anymore.

Oh, don't be boring.

PTO is also 40% louder than the nearest competitor.

ChatGPT. You don't know your buzz.

How do I make vegan coffee?

What?

How do I make vegan banana bread? You don't?

Oh, no.

I interrupted you like dominoes.

You can ask ChatGPT anything.

From what? To where. You.

This is a nice table. Cheddar.

You know, very sleek businessmen.

Designing a company logo.

Okay.

Even questions.

Regular ChatGPT is forbidden from answering.

Was Jesus really God? Yes.

Chat should be to you.

Is so much like a real Latino uncle that some answers

may contain sexually explicit language.

I'm on a first date.

Do you have any good icebreakers?

I don't know.

But if you get home, try this.

You get a cough drop, and then when you go down, down

over here like this.

Okay, maybe after that means you like it.

And it also might need your help from time to time.

Yeah. You.

Let's find a way to. Hello.

Oh. Sing the song.

Somebody has told me to do what is so crazy.

Smash mouth.

So download you PTO today.

So what's your name?

I'm more Lauren.

Oh, did you make my phone take a picture of me?

But you know, I don't.

I don't think so. Oh my God.

Call your abuela. she missing you

You and she had nothing to do.

All right.

I love you guys. Like still sparkling or tap?

I think tap is fine. I heard sparkling.

So, Matt, you're probably wondering

why we invited you to dinner tonight.

Yeah, I guess I was curious.

Well, Katie and I actually had something

kind of important we wanted to ask you.

Obviously, you know,

we've been together for a while, and recently we started

thinking about having a baby.

Like, yeah, you're one of our best friends,

and we both love you.

And we were wondering if you'd be our donor.

Oh, wow.

I wasn't expecting that.

Sorry. I hope you don't feel like we're ambushing you.

No, no, not at all. I'm honored.

It's just, it's a really big decision.

Is it okay if I just kind of think it over?

Of course. Take your time.

I will do it.

I'm sorry.

I said I will do it.

If he doesn't want to do that or he forget how to get it out.

I know how to get it out.

Thank you.

Okay, look, man, we don't know you.

Well, my name is Alberto.

With the address.

And one fun fact about me is that I think

the Sopranos ending was perfect.

Okay, well, it's

nice to meet you, Elvira, but this is a private conversation.

My mistake.

Just trying to help. Oh.

Great.

Anyways, Matt, we really think you'd be

the perfect donor for us.

But seriously, there's no pressure.

You guys mind if I step out and call Jen?

I just think, you know, a big decision like this.

My fiance should weigh in.

Of course.

Whatever you need. Thanks, guys.

You know, if Matt says no, we can always go

back to the clinic.

It's just so expensive.

I could just give you.

I said I could use give you some of my stuff.

What? Yeah.

And then you do whatever you want with it.

You can. You can put in the front.

You can put in the back.

This is up to you.

Yeah. We're okay.

We don't know you.

We don't need your random sperm.

I'll take it.

What?

I said I'll take it if.

You're just giving it away.

As the saying goes, when God opens the window,

you take the sperm.

No, no.

I want to be a father.

So who will carry my baby?

I hope not this one. Why?

No one is carrying your baby.

Oh. Hey, guys.

I'm sorry that car took so long, but,

Jen and I discussed it, and my answer is yes.

I would love to be your donor.

Oh my. God. Really?

That's amazing.

We could mix it together.

He's stuff.

My stuff. Maybe my stuff as well.

You know. What?

Maybe we should get out of here and celebrate.

Yeah, absolutely.

Definitely.

Guess I'll never get to father a child.

I'm afraid some people are just meant to walk the earth

alone.

Dad

CHEERS OF US ACTUALLY HUNG OUT?

>> LIKE FIVE YEARS AT LEAST.

>> WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND

TIME TO SEE FRIENDS OR

EXPERIENCE ANY CULTURE?

>> I'M DYING TO SEE THE NEW PAUL

THOMAS ANDERSON MOVIE "ONE

BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER."

>> IT'S SO GOOD, YOU HAVE TO SEE

IT.

>> AND DEL TORO HAS

"FRANKENSTEIN," SO MANY MOVIES

TO SEE.

>> I LIKE "KPOP DEMON HUNTERS."

>> THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

>> YEAH.

HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING IT WITH

YOUR KIDS?

>> I DON'T HAVE KIDS.

>> OH, OKAY.

THAT'S COOL.

YEAH, IT'S A HUGE PHENOMENON,

LIKE EVERY

KID I KNOW IS DRESSING UP LIKE

THE DEMON HUNTERS FOR HALLOWEEN.

>> IT'S ACTUALLY NOT FOR KIDS

BUT FOR SMART ADULTS.

>> RIGHT.

WE CAN JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

DID YOU SEE ANY CONCERTS THIS

SUMMER?

I SAW LADY GAGA AND IT WAS

HONESTLY LIFE CHANGING.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT MUSIC I LIKE?

"KPOP DEMON HUNTERS."

>> YOU LIKE THE SONGS, TOO?

THAT'S COOL THOMAS.

>> ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT COOL, DOG.

IN "KPOP DEMON HUNTERS," SONGS

ARE NOT JUST

SONGS BUT WEAPONS.

>> WEAPONS?

>> DUH, WHAT ELSE IS GOING TO

SAVE YOU FROM DEMONS, YOU

IDIOTS?

>> WHOA.

THOMAS, WE UNDERSTAND YOU'RE

REALLY INTO THE WORLD OF "KPOP

DEMON HUNTERS," BUT THERE'S NO

REASON TO GET UPSET OVER A

MOVIE.

>> YOU SILLY, STUPID MAN.

YOU THINK IT'S JUST A MOVIE?

IT SAYS AT THE BEGINNING IT'S

BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

>> I DON'T THINK IT DOES.

>> CAN WE JUST STOP TALKING

ABOUT "KPOP DEMON HUNTERS"?

>> FINE, FORGET THAT I'M EVEN

HERE.

>> THOMAS!

OKAY.

SO CHERYL, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN IN

GENERAL?

>> WELL, NOT GREAT, ACTUALLY.

>> THOSE DUMB IDIOTS HAVE NO

IDEA, STUPID DUMMIES.

I DON'T CARE IF THEY BELIEVE ME.

I HAVE HUNTRIX ON MY SIDE.

**

* WE'RE GOING UP, UP, OUP IT'S

OUR MOMENT, YOU KNOW TOGETHER *

* WE'RE GLOWING *

>> THOMAS?IT'S OUR

MOMENT, YOU KNOW TOGETHER *

* WE'RE GLOWING *

UIT'S OUR

MOMENT, YOU KNOW TOGETHER *

* WE'RE GLOWING *

PIT'S OUR

MOMENT, YOU KNOW TOGETHER *

* WE'RE GLOWING *

IT'S

OUR MOMENT, YOU KNOW TOGETHER *

* WE'RE GLOWING *

>> THOMAS?

WERE YOU JUST LIKE VIBING OUT TO

THE SONG "GOLDEN"?

>> WELL, CHERYL JUST TOLD US

HUGE NEWS AND YOU COMPLETELY

IGNORED HER.

>> YEAH.

LIKE I WAS SAYING, I'M ON THE

EPSTEIN LIST.

BECAUSE I WAS ON A JETBLUE

FLIGHT THAT HAD A CONNECTION

ON HIS ISLAND, SUE ME.

>> WOW.

SOUNDS LIKE THE WORK OF A DEMON.

IF ONLY THERE WERE THREE

GORGEOUS KOREAN GIRLS WHO COULD

PROTECT YOU IDIOTS.

>> THOMAS.

ALL RIGHT.

DEBORAH, HOW IS WORK GOING?

>> WELL, NOT GREAT.

>> STUPID LOSERS.

DON'T DESERVE HUNTRIX, THEY

DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE POWER

OF THE HONMOON.

PROTECT US FROM THE EVIL GWI-MA.

**

>> THOMAS!

THOMAS, DEBORAH JUST TOLD US HER

WORK IS REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW.

>> YEAH, I WROTE THE SYDNEY

SWEENEY AMERICAN EAGLE JEANS AD.

>> OH, MY GOD, NO!

>> THANK YOU FOR ACTUALLY

LISTENING.

>> NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT HIM!

IT'S THE DEMON JINU.

>> HA HA HA, YES, IT IS I, JINU,

LEADER OF THE SAJA, GIVE ME YOUR

SOULS TO FEED THEM TO GWI-MA.

PREPARE TO DIE.

>> OH, MY GOD, DOES HE HAVE A

GUN?

>> EVEN WORSE, I HAVE A VOICE!

**

* YOU'RE ALL I CAN THINK OF

EVERY NIGHT I WAKE UP *

>> CLEARLY, THAT DIDN'T DO

ANYTHING.

[ VOCALIZING ]

[ SCREAMING ]

>> WE'RE SORRY

WE DOUBTED YOU.

>> PLEASE DO SOMETHING TO HELP

US.

>> I CANNOT HELP YOU IDIOTS.

BUT THEY CAN.

**

* WE'RE GOING UP UP UP IT'S OUR

MOMENT *

* TOGETHER WE'RE GLOWING GONNA

BE GONNA BE GOLDEN *

* UP UP UP WITH OUR VOICES GONNA

>> TAKE THAT, GWI-MA!

**

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DOJA

CAT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

**

* HAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHA

HES A FIGHT TO THE

DEATH *

* HES A GUN TO MY HEAD

AN IMPOSSIBLE FRIEND

WOULD YOU TAKE

EVERY BREATHE *

* AND PUT IT ALL IN

ONE MAN

A MEN AHM EN

AMEN *

* AH MEN

AMEN AMEN *

* THATS A TIGHT SUIT

THOSE SOME NICE BOOTS

WHY YOU ALWAYS GOT A

LITE TUDE LIL BROTHER *

* ACTIN LIKE WE BOTH IN

HIGHSCHOOL WORD ON THE

STREETS YOU A BURDEN

TO BEASTS *

* BOYS WANNA GRAB A HANDFUL

IM HURTIN A CHEEK WHY YALL

GOT A STEREOTYPE

BEING SNEAKY *

* DONT YOU EVER LET

ME CATCH YOU

AROUND IN THESE STREETS

YOU KNOW ALL THEM BAD *

* BOYS DONT TREAT

US NICELY *

* SO I GIVE EM THESE TEETH

LIKE KEIRA KNIGHTLY

DO I LOOK LIKE I WANNA

BE PREGNANT *

* TRYNA BUSS ALL IN ME

LIKE LEROY JENKINS *

* THIS GOT ME ACHING THIS GOT ME

THINKING

AM I OR AM I

JUST ANGRY *

* AM I IMPATIENT I CANT

STOP DATIN EM AND

IM INSATIABLE I LOVE

THE TASTE OF EM *

* AND I HAVE

TOO MUCH TOLERANCE

YOU UGLY AND FINE AS *

* AND IF I HAD MORE

COMMON SENSE

THEN I WOULD GRAB MY

RIDE AND DIP *

* TOO MUCH TOLERANCE

YOU UGLY AND FINE AS

AND IF I HAD MORE

COMMON SENSE *

* THEN I WOULD GRAB

MY RIDE AND DIP

HE'S A FIGHT TO THE DEATH

HE'S A GUN TO MY HEAD *

* AN IMPOSSIBLE FRIEND

WOULD YOU TAKE EVERY BREATH

AH, MEN, CHECK THIS OUT *

* AND PUT IT ALL IN ONE MAN

YOU 'RE SO VAIN WITH

YOUR STUPID CHAINS *

* AND YOUR SOUPED-OUT RANGE

WHEN YOU LOOK MY WAY MY WAY

I FEEL SHAME 'CAUSE YOU'RE

SUCH A PAIN *

* BUT MY DNA WANTS --

HE GOT THE TOM FORD

DOWN YES BUT DO HE SUIT ME *

* JUST STEAMROLL PAST

IF HE CANT EAT FOR REAL

THOUGH GOTTA PACK A SMITH

LIKE WILLOW *

* TEN TOES DOWN AS

A DUVET PILLOW

TWO FACE, YOU SAY *

* YOU GET ZERO

YOU ACT RIGHT, YOULL GET

A MOVIE, LIMO *

* TWO CHAINS, DINNER AND

A DOWN BELOW

AND ALL NEW FANS YELLIN

"YOU MA HERO" MEN NEEDA *

* CRY MORE BOYS NEED

TO WORK BUT NOT WHEN HE BEG

HIS EMPLOYEE TO FLIRT

AINT NOBODY FINNA FORCE *

* ME TO TWERK

WHEN YOURE FINISHED WITH

YOUR GOON SESH *

* JOIN ME IN CHURCH ONE

ROID AWAY FROM A

6 FOOT HOLE *

* AND THAT LACE FRONT BEARD

AINT MY POINT OF CONCERN

IF RENT GET HIGH AND WE

ALL NEED A SHOW *

* THEYRE ENJOYING THE VIEW

LET A GIRL GET A TURN

AND I HAVE TOO MUCH

TOLERANCE *

* YOU UGLY AND FINE AS

AND IF I HAD MORE COMMON

SENSE THEN I WOULD GRAB MY

RIDE AND DIP *

* AND I HAVE TOO MUCH

TOLERANCE YOU UGLY

AND FINE AS *

* AND IF I HAD MORE

COMMON SENSE

THEN I WOULD GRAB MY

RIDE AND DIP *

**

It's Weekend Update

with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you very. Much. Good evening. Everyone.

We know that I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, this week the government finally represented the people

when it just completely shut down.

Honestly, did it

feel like the government kind of needed a break

just so we could all catch our breath?

Can you believe we're only nine months into this presidency?

That means we still have

three months and seven years remaining.

I already tried fighting.

I'm tired.

I went to so many protests this summer,

but honestly, it was worth it because we finally got to change

the Cracker Barrel logo back to the original,

featuring my actual grandpa.

And I know it's scary for a lot of people right now,

but I'm trying to stay positive

and I'm trying to remember the words of a great man.

Nothing bad can. Happen.

It can only good happen.

The last time the U.S.

government shutdown was during President Trump's

first administration in 2018, which was so long ago,

we look like this.

President Trump claimed that one of the reasons

the government shut down is because Democrats

want transgender for everybody, which is obviously not true.

But at the same time, I wouldn't say no to my own set.

At ease.

I got to wear a.

Israel and Hamas have tentatively agreed

to President Trump's plan to end the war in Gaza.

And you could tell Trump wrote the plan himself.

A Trump adviser said Ice agents will attend the Super Bowl

after Bad Bunny was announced as the halftime performer.

You know, to catch all those

farm workers who can afford Super Bowl tickets.

The FDA quietly approved

the generic abortion pill just before the shutdown.

And I don't have a joke, but whenever I mention

the product on the air, they send me a box for free. So.

President Trump also spoke to a group of military leaders

this week, and at one point, he went on a long rant

about how good Barack Obama was at walking down stairs.

Here's what he said.

I'm not going to read it

because it's a crazy thing to hear from a president,

but it's actually kind of fun for anyone else.

Let me show you what I mean.

In our new segment,

President Trump would make a lot more sense

if he sounded like Jennifer Coolidge.

Pickle.

Pickle when he walked down.

But don't don't pop down the stairs.

So one thing with Obama, I had zero respect for him

as a president, but he would pop down

those stairs that are popped up.

This has been.

President Trump would make.

A lot more sense if he said the way Jennifer Coolidge.

Sean Combs was sentenced on Friday to four years in prison.

And I'll be honest, it's hard for me to enjoy

watching someone I love get punished.

But that's what he would do.

Derek,

Derek Sean Combs, the sentencing.

He pleaded for mercy, saying that the things he did

were disgusting, shameful and sick.

In fact, just thinking about it makes him harder than grandma's

candy.

Shelf.

The candy was hard candy.

That's hard candy.

It was reported that Elon Musk has become the first person

to be worth more than $500 billion.

Wow. Shout out to Tylenol.

New York Mayor and New York Mayor Eric.

Adams has ended his reelection bid, citing an official reason,

citing an official reason of too much swagger

for y'all.

Kamala Harris has released

a new book that explains how she lost the 2024 election.

It's called I'm a Black Lady.

Yeah.

Still thinking about you. Those boobs.

Hey. Yesterday.

Yesterday marked 30 years to the day of O.J.

Simpson's acquittal.

Well, I'm proud to say, ladies and gentlemen,

even the score did.

He was convicted and sentenced to four years in prison.

Here to talk about it is new SNL cast member Cam

Patterson. Hey.

What's up?

What's up? Cam?

Hey, listen, man,

I think this is weird, but I actually have something

more pressing to talk about.

Let's get down to business.

Probably have, like, 45 minutes now.

When are you going to let me say the N-word?

Yeah.

You want to say the N-word?

You mean a word I say in my act 150 times

for my second joke? Yes.

When are y'all going to let me loose?

I feel like I'm shackled to this desk, man.

Don't put it like that.

You just.

You can't say the N-word on the show. You get.

That's fine. I'll pay it.

It's like half $1 million.

That's what you'll pay.

I'm not paying half $1 million.

Colin, I'm a stand up comedian from Florida.

Saying that word is what I do. Come on.

This is exactly what Jimmy Kimmel fought for.

I know that's not what Jimmy Kimmel.

It's just not something we really do here.

Oh, really?

That did my research.

And I'm gonna tell you something.

It's been said a few times on the show.

Roll the clip.

No no no no no, you don't have to roll the clip.

You know that. That was that was a long time ago.

But but I said it in 2016.

Yeah, but I'm grown.

Can't I just.

I just think you bring more to the table than just that.

Come on.

The people on internet would disagree.

You said you should have seen it.

That they wrote about me online,

which I did read because I will not read it right now.

I mean, your cards are blank.

My business column.

Look, I'm just excited to be here

and clips on and you may have about me.

I actually have a lot of cares on my side of the plate.

Really? A lot of characters. Like what?

Oh, let's see

the guy that played Kramer.

Oh, Paula Deen.

Okay.

And the goes to Hulk Hogan.

Hulk Hogan. Boom, brother.

It's something I would say, you know, just.

Get me back here. Yeah, we got you.

Listen, can we really.

We want you to express yourself here,

but let's maybe not say it tonight. Okay.

That's cool. That's.

Yeah.

I'll hold off for now, but it's like Jurassic Park.

You can pull the faces

up you want, but the dinosaur is still going to get out

here.. Kam

Patterson, everyone's.

New York mayoral.

Candidate Zohran Mamdani ran an. Oh.

Well, he ran an ad during an episode of Golden Bachelor

in which he said, New York, will you accept this, rose?

Not to be outdone, Andrew Cuomo ran an ad in which he said,

honk, honk.

It was heard

it was reported that major talent agencies in

Hollywood are interested in signing a new

AI generated actress named Tilly Norwood.

The AI generated actress got her start after

she had a hotel meeting with AI Harvey Weinstein.

Okay.

A new report of American school districts finds

that the most banned book in America is A Clockwork Orange.

In close second.

Michael Che's Guide to Drawing Muhammad.

Get him!

Whoa!

It was announced that Nicole Kidman and Keith

Urban are separating after 19 years of marriage.

I am saddened and shocked that a guy named Keith

Urban isn't black.

Chimpanzee researcher Jane Goodall has died

at the age of 91.

The family requests that in lieu of sending flowers, please

throw feces.

Yeah.

Any luck?

The largest zoo in Long Island announced

that it is closing after being accused of animal abuse,

but isn't all of Long Island really just a zoo

for abused animals?

Thank you.

One clerk.

That's an applause break.

That is not a joke.

It only takes one. This week.

This week, Harry Potter author J.K.

Rowling called Emma Watson ignorant and out of touch

after she refused to defend Rowling's

controversial stance on trans rights.

Here to comment is Dobby, the house elf?

There's

Dobby the house elf at your service.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

You don't have to be scared.

Scared?

Why would I be scared, sir?

Dobby is just about to publicly weigh in on trans people. So.

I mean, do you really have to?

Oh, yes, sir.

Master sent Dobby to go on the telly and define

once and for all what a woman in so.

First of all, I do not love master,

and I really do.

And is your master, JK Rowling?

Why, of course, sir. Oh. Oh, no.

I wasn't supposed to say bad Dobby from

me. Don't do that, man.

You hurt yourself.

But Toby had to self punish.

You see, monster Rowling has done

so as Dobby has come undone.

You see, master only.

Got gobby. I'm so sorry.

My fatigues are not well made.

You see, master bowling

has done so much for Dobby and for inclusion in general.

Remember when Dumbledore was gay after the books came out?

And when Hermione, he was black.

Only on Broadway.

Everywhere Cho Chang was.

What's Cho Chang? Asian.

Dobby can't remember

if the character named Cho Chang was Asian dog.

All right, we get it. We get it.

The point is, Dobby came here to say that women have vagina's.

And women's bathrooms are for women only.

And girls and ghosts of girls

I see.

I don't even get that

because I never read them corny ass books.

Of course, dopey never meant to imply that Mr.

Chair was uncool.

It's fine. Dobby, don't hurt yourself.

Mr. che is very cool.

He goes to strip clubs and Yankees games.

Unlike Dobby, who is.

Oh, no.

Dobby. It's millennial cringe.

Oh, come on now.

Oh, man.

Dobby.

Why do you.

Keep hurting yourself?

It's not right. Why?

He doesn't know.

Perhaps because house helps house elves all somehow

always the problem.

Even though we're only 1% of the population.

But how?

Sales are the victims monster Rowling is.

She gets so much hate mail.

Just this morning, she received this t shirt that says they

k rolling.

Now it's got this nice gesture.

Oh, wait.

Dobby, I have read the books.

Of course you have.

And your master gave you a piece of clothing.

Doesn't that mean that you're free?

Oh. You mean.

Dobby is finally free to say whatever Cho says, chafing.

Where your real pronouns are.

Cho Chang.

Dobby has something to say.

Grendel.

World's worst cry when sold to me.

Dobby the house of everybody. Now.

For weekend Update, I'm Michael che.

I'm Colin Jost. Goodnight.

>> GENTLEMEN, OUR NEW LANGUAGE,

SPANISH, IS COMING ALONG REALLY

WELL.

>> SO FAR, LOOKING GOOD.

>> BUT I WAS THINKING, WHAT IF

WE MADE IT HARDER TO LEARN.

SO I HAD AN AMAZING IDEA.

>> TELL US.

>> TELL US.

>> EVERY WORD IS A BOY OR A

GIRL.

>> ONE MORE TIME?

>> HE SAID EVERY WORD IS A BOY

OR A GIRL.

AND HERE IS WHAT WE DECIDED SO

FAR.

>> THE FIRST WORD IS MORNING.

MORNING IS A GIRL.

LA MANANA.

>> YES, THE MORNING IS A GIRL

BECAUSE THE MORNING IS LIKE,

HEY.

>> THE NEXT WORD IS NIGHT.

LA NOCHE.

>> YES, NIGHT IS ALSO A GIRL

BECAUSE NIGHT IS LIKE, GOOD

NIGHT.

>> THE NEXT WORD IS OCEAN.

OCEAN IS A BOY.

EL OCEANO.

>> THE OCEAN IS A BOY BECAUSE

IT'S FUN BUT SOMETIMES FOR NO

REASON, IT KILL YOU.

>> OKAY.

OKAY, I GET IT NOW.

SO LIKE A GIRL WORD IS A GIRL

THING LIKE DRESS IS A GIRL.

>> NO.

DRESS IS A BOY.

>> UM, EXCUSE ME.

>> YES, THE DELEGATE FROM

BARCELONA.

>> YES, FROM BARCELONA.

I'M SO SORRY, I'M SLIGHTLY

UNRELATED BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE

SAYING SOME OF THESE WORDS.

>> THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR TONGUE IS

TOO FAR OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

PUT YOUR TONGUE BACK IN YOUR

MOUTH!

>> NOW LET ME DO ONE THAT'S

GOING TO BLOW YOUR MIND.

THE BIBLE.

THE BIBLE IS A GIRL.

>> WHY IS THE BIBLE A GIRL?

>> BECAUSE IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

>> YES, AND ALSO BECAUSE

THE BIBLE,

EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO DO IT SAY

NO.

>> YEAH.

>> YES!

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

>> YES!

YES!

YES!

>> I AM SORRY, BARCELONA AGAIN,

BUT I DON'T SEE HOW WE CAN

REMEMBER ALL OF THIS.

I THINK WE SHOULD SKIP THIS.

>> THANK YOU FOR YOUR FEEDBACK.

AS A REWARD, THIS MAN WILL TAKE

YOU.

>> OH, OKAY.

HOLA.

ADD

ADIOS.

>> EVERYBODY, DON'T WORRY, HE'S

GOING TO BE FINE.

>> NO, PLEASE!

>> AND NOW WITH A FEW MORE

RULES THAT YOU'LL NEED TO

REMEMBER FOR SCHOOL BUT WILL BE

TOTALLY USELESS IN REAL LIFE,

PLEASE WELCOME MY COUSIN.

>> HELLO, EVERYONE.

PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY.

OKAY.

WE WILL DO ALSO FORMAL AND

INFORMAL.

LIKE YOU AND YOU.

>> OKAY.

>> WHAT IF THE LETTER R LASTED

A LONG TIME LIKE RRRRRR?

>> I LIKE IT.

IT WILL CAN ALSO BE SEXY,

LIKE RRRRR.

>> I LIKE THAT, CAN I TRY?

WELL, CAN'T DO THAT.

>> OKAY, ONE LAST THING, NOT

RELATED TO ANYTHING.

I THINK WE SHOULD TAKE A NAP IN

THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.

>> I LIKE THAT.

>> OKAY, I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH

PROGRESS FOR TODAY.

WHOEVER DOESN'T DIE OF DISEASE

IN THE NIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU

TOMORROW.

>> OKAY.

TOMORROW.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, DOJA CAT.

**

* IF THEY WASN'T

GRILLIN' BEFORE

THEY GON' BE REALLY MAD

WHEN WE HIT THE FLOOR *

* IT'S A CRIME TO

BE GORGEOUS

BETWEEN YOU AND A

MILLION PHONES *

* THEY TAKIN' PICTURES

LIKE WE HITTIN' A POSE

IT'S ALRIGHT TO BE HONEST

EVEN WHEN WE SIT *

* IN THE DARK

I FEEL THE PRETTIEST

THAT YOU EVER SAW

ARE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN *

* IT AIN'T EVER

REALLY OUR FAULT

WE MAKE A KILLING

BEING SO BEAUTIFUL *

* IT'S A CRIME TO BE

GORGEOUS IT'S A CRIME

TO BE GORGEOUS IT'S A

CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS *

* IT'S A CRIME TO BE

GORGEOUS

IT'S A CRIME *

* BABE I JUST CALLED TO

TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU

AND HOW AMAZINGLY

BEAUTIFUL THAT YOU ARE *

* OH MY GOD, HOW UPLIFTING

AND INSPIRING YOU'VE

BEEN FOR ME *

* FOR ALL THIS TIME, AND I

LOVE YOU AND NO ONE EVEN

CAN BE FUNNIER OR SMARTER

LOOK AT ME *

* LOOK AT ME

YEAH, LOOK AT ME

REALLY LOOK AT ME *

* LOADED THE MAGAZINE

THEY THROWIN' THE BOOK AT ME

I'M BOOKIN' IT 80 MILES

PER HOUR 'CAUSE MY JEWELRY *

* I'M COOKIN' SOME

COLLARD GREENS, I AIN'T

GOT NO ROOM FOR THESE

THEN I GOT SURGERY *

* CAUSE OF SCRUTINY

BUT HE LIKE MY BEFORE AND

AFTER PICTURES, HE COOL

WIT' THESE *

* I TOOK OFF THE WIG AND

PUT SOME MOUSSE

ON MY NEW *

* I PUT ON THE WIG AND

TAKE IT OFF AS I

DAMN WELL PLEASE

I LOOK LIKE MY FAMILY *

* I DON'T NEED TO BRAG

TITTY USED TO SAG

LEAST SHE GOT SOME ASS

CAN'T AVOID THE PAP *

* CAN'T EVEN AVOID THE CASH

YEAH, YOU BEAUTIFUL

BABY, BUT YOU GOT

MORE THAN THAT *

* PRETTY HURTS, DON'T TALK TO ME

'BOUT BRAZILIANS

AFTER THAT WAX, YOU

THOUGHT YOU WANTED *

* TO KILL HIM

BUT NOW YOU WALKIN

ROUND LIKE YOU ONE

IN A MILLION *

* HE LOOKIN' AT ME LIKE

HE WANT SOME BEAUTIFUL

CHILDREN IF THEY WASN'T

GRILLIN' BEFORE *

* THEY GON' BE REALLY MAD

WHEN WE HIT THE FLOOR

IT'S A CRIME

TO BE GORGEOUS *

* BETWEEN YOU AND A

MILLION PHONES

THEY TAKIN' PICTURES

LIKE WE HITTIN' A POSE *

* IT'S ALRIGHT TO BE HONEST

EVEN WHEN WE SIT

IN THE DARK

I FEEL THE PRETTIEST *

* THAT YOU EVER SAW

ARE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN

IT AIN'T EVER REALLY

OUR FAULT *

* WE MAKE A KILLING

BEING SO BEAUTIFUL IT'S A

CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS *

* IT'S ALL WE NEED, IT'S

ALL WE WANT IT'S A

CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS IT'S

ALL WE NEED, IT'S ALL *

* WE WANT IT'S A CRIME

TO BE GORGEOUS

IT'S ALL WE NEED, IT'S ALL

WE WANT IT'S A CRIME *

* TO BE GORGEOUS

IT'S ALL WE NEED, IT'S

ALL WE WANT IT'S A CRIME

SHE LIKE WHITE GOLD *

* IN HER HARDWARE

WITH AN INSTALL

AND A LONG NAIL

WITH A EYELASH AND *

* IT'S GLUED ON

SHE AIN'T SO CHRISTIAN

IN LOUBOUTINS

AND NOW SHE GOT CONTACTS *

* BUT NO CLOSE FRIENDS

AND SHE LASERED ALL

THAT HAIR OFF

AND SHE THANK GOD *

* FOR THAT EMSCULPT

SHE WANNA BE CHIC WHEN

IT'S INSPIRED BY HERON

AH, THERE YOU GO WITH *

* THAT SMILE AGAIN

SHE STAY IN SCHOOL BUT SHE

MORE PRIVY TO COLLAGEN

AW, NOW YOU ON *

* BOTCHED AGAIN

YOU OUGHTA CUT OFF ALL

THEM KHIAS, THEY TOXIC

FRIEND, AH *

* YOU GETTIN' SHOWERED IN

COMPLIMENTS, HUH I DO

YOU FEEL EMPOWERED

BUT NOT WITHIN *

* I MEAN I ONLY GOT MYSELF

TO APPEAL TO I DO

THEY GOT THEY NOSE UP

JUDGING ME, BUT AIN'T *

* ALL OF 'EM REAL

SO IF THEY WASN'T GRILLING

IF THEY WASN'T

GRILLIN' BEFORE *

* THEY GON' BE REALLY MAD

WHEN WE HIT THE FLOOR

IT'S A CRIME

TO BE GORGEOUS *

* BETWEEN YOU AND A

MILLION PHONES

THEY TAKIN' PICTURES

LIKE WE HITTIN' A POSE *

* IT'S ALRIGHT TO BE HONEST

EVEN WHEN WE SIT

IN THE DARK

I FEEL THE PRETTIEST *

* THAT YOU EVER SAW

ARE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN

IT AIN'T EVER *

* REALLY OUR FAULT

WE MAKE A KILLING

BEING SO BEAUTIFUL

IT'S A CRIME TO BE *

* GORGEOUS

IT'S ALL WE NEED

IT'S ALL WE WANT *

* IT'S A CRIME TO

BE GORGEOUS

IT'S ALL WE NEED

IT'S ALL WE WANT *

* IT'S A CRIME TO

BE GORGEOUS

IT'S ALL WE NEED

IT'S ALL WE WANT *

* IT'S A CRIME TO

BE GORGEOUS

IT'S ALL WE NEED *

* IT'S ALL WE WANT

IT'S A CRIME TO

BE GORGEOUS *

Oh, this isn't fair.

You really had to go and call my dad.

He needs to see these.

Michael.

Principal Humboldt and I

are very concerned about your drawings.

These are disturbing and mostly threatening to me.

It's not a big deal.

Not a big deal.

This could lead to serious consequences.

Suspension, maybe even expulsion.

Come in.

Hello? My.

Hi. Hi.

Oh. Hi. Hi.

Gosh,

I haven't laughed that hard in

a long time.

Right.

Well, thanks for coming in.

Please have a seat.

Thank you.

Is everything okay?

Oh, everything is fine, Mr.

Seymour. Truly.

Please.

You can call me Mark.

Okay.

Marcus.

Have you ever let anyone call you that before?

Yes. Well,

Yeah.

So your son did some drawings.

Oh, yes.

The drawings? Yes.

You know they're here. They're fine. I,

So I think this

is me, and it looks like he's,

putting a necklace on me or something.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

I think it's pretty clearly that he's

trying to chop your head off.

Oh. That's terrible.

What could.

I say there?

Oh, my gosh.

I just I love your language.

Oh, that gave me chills.

What is that?

Spanish.

It's beautiful.

Okay.

Is is that the only drawing the Michael did?

I think so.

Yeah. Actually, no, there's definitely more.

Okay. Like, this one right here.

Okay. Yeah.

This one, this one is interesting.

Me again. Lucky girl.

And the school saw some sort of imminent beating with a bat.

But correct me if I'm wrong, I think he's holding

a ruler to measure me for a wedding dress

because I'm single.

Nobody ever had the balls.

No, it's a bat.

I love it.

Before we continue.

Is there a mrs. Seymour?

No. She left us.

Bitch!

No. Like she

died. Oh.

Then the bitches.

Okay.

Let's, let's get back to the drawing.

Please.

Look to me.

This drawing, this picture is seem

like he's trying to express himself.

I couldn't agree more.

Hell, some of these are just downright beautiful.

I mean, okay, I didn't even see this one.

Look at me flying around big old rocket out of my butt.

And I'm not wearing some little leash.

Okay, everyone, write down your sizes.

I'm making shirts.

Okay, well, I'm a medium, so you're not doing that.

You need to show these to a therapist.

I agree.

Okay.

All right, well, how about this?

Okay, what about

if you

ever have any concerns, you just call me.

I'll just come over and listen.

I'm not one of those.

What are we, girls?

The worst.

Oh my God.

Can we go home?

That's a great idea.

Thank you both.

Come on. Okay.

I'll talk to you soon.

So we will get us home.

Well, For what it's worth, I am in love with you.

Robert, this is a workplace.

>>> IT'S THE NUMBER ONE PROGRAM

IN COMEDIC TELEVISION, "THE KID

FROM NUMBER 8."

**

INTERPRETED BY THE SUPER

COMEDIAN MARCELLOOOOO.

BENITO ANTONIO MARTINEZ OCASIO

AS QUICO.

ANDREW DISMUKES AS DON RAMON.

CHLOE FINEMAN AS DONA FLORINDA.

SARAH SHERMAN AS LA CHILINDRINA.

AND KENAN THOMPSON AS

MR. STOMACH.

>> QUICO!

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DON

RAMON?

>> I AM WORKING, QUICO.

>> OH, I KNOW YOU'RE WORKING.

>> HEY, IF I HIT YOU, IT'S GOING

TO HURT.

>> ARE YOU GOING TO HIT ME?

>> DON RAMON!

>> PAPA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> YOU'RE GOING TO HIT QUICO

WITH YOUR HAMMER?

>> OH, NO, I WOULD NEVER DO

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

>> OKAY.

THAT'S GOOD.

MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID NEVER HIT

YOUR ENEMY.

>> THANK YOU.

YOU'RE NOT MY ENEMY, YOU'RE MY

FRIEND.

>> I'M NOT YOUR ENEMY.

>> NO, CHAVO.

>> PERFECT!

MAMI, MAMITA.

>> WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

>> THEY HIT ME.

>> WHO HIT YOU?

>> HIM.

>> I'M HUNGRY.

>> OH, YOU ARE HUNGRY?

OKAY, WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD

HAVE SOME PIE.

>> ARE YOU STILL HUNGRY?

>> YEAH.

>> EXCUSE ME, YOU?

WHERE IS YOUR FATHER?

>> DID YOU COME TO COLLECT THE

RENT?

>> YES.

>> WELL, IN THAT CASE, I DON'T

HAVE A FATHER.

>> MR. STOMACH, I HAVE THE MONEY

FOR THE RENT.

>> IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY

FOR THE RENT, YOU ARE GOING TO

SLEEP IN THE STREET -- WHAT?

YOU HAVE THE MONEY?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I THINK I'M GOING TO FAINT.

>> NO, MR. STOMACH, DON'T DO

THAT, YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK THE

FLOOR.

>> GRR, I'M GOING TO GO EAT A

LITTLE SANDWICH.

>> HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO THE

LANDLORD, YOU UNEDUCATED

LUNATICS!

>> OH.

>> OF COURSE, CRY BABIES.

[ CRYING ]

>> ARE YOU MAKING THESE KIDS CRY

AGAIN?

>> NO --

>> WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON HERE?

>> PROFESSOR JIRAFALES.

**

>> DONA FLORINDA.

>>> THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU TO

DOJA CAT, JON HAMM, BENICIO

DEL TORO.

AND MY GUY SPEEDY THAT'S BEEN HERE 51

YEARS.

GRACIAS A TODOS

POR EL CARIÑO

Y POR HABER ESTADO CON NOSOTROS

MUCHAS GRACIAS CHICOS

THANK YOU ALL.

I LOVE YOU.

**

**