All language subtitles for Assassination Of A High School President (2008)-ENG

you want to know the truth
about high school you've got

to break it down into its
elements unfortunately at st.

Donovan's the periodic table is more
crooked than a case of scoliosis but just

give me the chance and I'll set it all
straight case in point Spanish homework

dame un batido de esperma does not mean
take me to the airport it means give me a

spearmint milkshake and 22 kids gave that as
an answer in Spanish 3 last week I'm not

sure about the milkshake but somebody's
sure feeding us something sticky every

click on campus is copying the same damn
homework burnouts pretty boys drama dorks

jocks debaters player haters you name it
Oh, it's big all right, and I'm on it like

pink rubber bands on your little sister's
braces.

The name's Bobby Funk.

I write for the paper.

Wait.

Wait a second.

Who?

Bobby Funk.

I write for the paper.

No, you don't.

I'm Tad Goltz, and I write for the paper.

You don't write for shit.

Wait, aren't you the freshman they tied to
the snowman penis?

Sophomore.

Bobby, you can't expect
us to give you a story like

this when there's nothing
written and no solid proof.

Look, Clara, I'm the best writer you've
got.

Tell me differently.

You've never finished an article.

Well then, do you want to go homecoming
with me?

No.

Clara Diaz, editor-in-chief and one tough
cookie.

All I wanted was a taste.

Friedrich Nietzsche said, what doesn't
kill you makes you stronger.

But ten bucks says Nietzsche never got a
swirly.

Can't talk right now, Clara.

Look, I feel really bad about what
happened.

I know you're going for that Northwestern
program, and I have an assignment for you.

Take you to homecoming?

Heard you're going with Tad.

You know what Tad's short for,
right?

Theodore?

No.

Vagina.

Look it up.

I want you to write a story on the student
body President.

Really?

Really.

Just get it on paper this time,
okay?

Okay.

Finally.

My big break.

It was just the story I needed to get into
the Northwestern summer journalism program.

Instead of delivering papers this summer,
I'd be well on my way to writing for them.

Give me a piece of loose leaf.

Come on, give me a piece of loose leaf.

Give me a pen.

Robin's last pen I gave you.

Give me a pen, Funky.

Give me a pen.

Here's your ticket.

Everybody paid attention when Francesca
Ficini walked into a classroom.

She was a National
Merit Scholar, the varsity

soccer captain, and
the President's girlfriend.

I'd interview her for the story,
just as soon as I grew some testicles.

Buenos dias.

Buenos dias.

Señor Funky.

La tarea.

What?

La tarea.

I'm fine.

How are you?

En español.

En español.

The President was a busy man.

An important man.

And he was about to give me the story of
my high school career.

Could you please state your name,
year, and social security number?

Paul Moore.

I'm a senior.

I'm not going to give you my social.

Aren't you the freshman they tied to the
snowman penis?

Sophomore.

As President, how would
you say you're going to

handle the recent drop
in ACT and SAT scores?

Well, what would you have me do about it?

He didn't give you a whole lot.

How could he not give you a whole lot?

Look at the guy.

People love him.

He's like fucking JFK.

He's smart.

He's charismatic.

He's good looking.

He's a tenacious athlete.

I'm sorry, Tad.

I didn't realize you felt that way about
him.

I'm sad.

I'm sad.

Ongatama Mumwe with the rebound.

The man from Sudan.

Come on, call that!

That's a timeout, Ryan.

Bring it in, bring it in, bring it in.

What's going on out there, guys?

You guys look like a dump that I took last
Thanksgiving.

What's the matter, Paulie?

I'm not coaching.

I'm not feeling it.

You gotta feel it, son.

You gotta feel the flow and go.

You understand, son?

You feel, flow, go, hoop, win.

Paulie, ballgame!

No one understands why you got the Moore
story instead of Tad Gault's.

I'm sure there's a lot you don't
understand, Tad.

Oh yeah?

Well, I understand art when I see it.

Marlon Piazza.

I'm Bobby Funk.

I write for the paper.

I'm doing a piece on Paul Moore.

I was wondering if I could piss off Dorky.

Those gentle giants were the pillars of
St. Donovan's student council.

Marlon Piazza, vice president and
Francesca's stepbrother.

Matt Mullen, head hall monitor and noted
date rapist.

Marty Mullen, class secretary and former
child underwear model.

You hear that pop?

I think I heard a pop.

Let me get me some more, some room,
please.

Watch out.

You alright, Paul?

Should we get him up?

Let's get him up.

One more.

Crack it up.

Crack it up!

The basketball game wasn't all we lost
that night.

Like Nixon's men at Watergate,
a thief crept in and stole our innocence.

What kind of effing a-hole would do
something like this, Nancy?

I don't know, sir.

Should I call the police?

No.

Bring me the list.

Whenever trouble came
to St. Donovan's, the

principal rounded up
the same old delinquents.

But that dark morning, there was one new
name on the list.

Bobby Funky?

Actually, it's pronounced Funk.

Principal's office, now.

It could roll back and collide with you.

I always feel nice in here.

I like the stitches.

Who is this guy?

What's his name?

Bobby Funky.

Frankie.

Funky.

Looks like a little gentleman.

He does.

Look at him.

He looks like a stockbroker.

Funky.

Don't look at me.

I assume you all know why you're here.

Let me guess.

You finally want to start that boy band
you've been dreaming about.

Landis, do I come down
to the strip club where

you work and knock the
dick out of your mouth?

Against the wall.

You're late.

Actually, um...

I'm not entirely certain why I'm here,
sir.

Really?

It's fascinating.

This is why you're here.

This?

That's chic.

You've got a gum problem that's rapidly
turning into an attitude problem.

That's why you're here.

I don't like gum.

I don't like your snooping around.

You are all filth.

Your parents have obviously spoiled you
or, in your case, possibly abused you.

A little too much.

Now one of you little vermin broke into
this office and stole the SATs last night.

Of this I am certain.

But I beg you, I beseech you, do not come
forward.

Because I will have the pleasure of
tracking you down much the same way that I

tracked down that camel-humping
ammunition's envoy two clicks east of

Tigris, the birthplace of civilization.

Mr. Trippriato, do you know what the
Arabic word la rique means?

No.

It means don't shoot.

Don't shoot!

You may want to remember that.

Dismissed.

Hey, Francesca.

Hey, Funky.

So, um...

What are you doing in the men's room?

Well, I thought I might find a man in
here.

Are you a man, Funky?

I'm screwing with you.

I just need your help.

With what?

Whoever stole the SATs.

I need you to find him and get him back.

I aced that thing.

I know it.

I was just in the zone.

Do you know what mastication means?

No.

Me neither.

But in that moment, I did.

It was perfect.

I need you to find those tests.

Why me?

I don't know.

I've got a feeling about you, Funky.

This stuff is right up your alley.

So, do you have any idea who might have
taken the SATs?

We took the SATs?

I... I didn't.

I didn't.

Did you take them?

No, I didn't take them.

That's... everyone was in the classrooms.

That's what all the commotion was about.

Okay, where were you last night?

That's where I was last night.

BANG!

Ay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay.

Ay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay.

What were you that night?

What do you care?

I'm running your biography.

Fine, let me copy off you and I'll tell
you.

Fine.

I was at the park arms with my nana
playing bingo.

I've got 30 fucking geriatrics that can
back that up.

Untouched, to be honest.

Not a word, Funky.

After tailing Landis, I discovered her
secret life outside of school.

She opened up once I promised to keep her
ice capades under wraps.

I don't know who took them Nancy Drew, but
I do know what happened during the game.

I was out in the parking
lot last night and I saw

some flashlight bunts
around in Kirkpatrick's office.

What were you doing in the parking lot?

I was probably getting fingered by Dutch
Middleton.

Okay.

Thanks, Landis.

Long time no see, Rocky.

Weekends and holidays, man.

Thanks.

You do it?

No.

You?

Wish.

Those tests are the tool of the racist
bourgeoisie.

Back to your cage, buck boy.

Last night?

Nah, man.

I got picked up for a position.

Spent the night in Hoist.

That guy's crazy.

That's the Creepy.

You know.

He was fucked up.

Woo!

With some alibis.

Aw!

Fuck it, fuck it.

Hold this.

This my jam, man.

Woo!

Hold on.

Don't you get it?

Gracias.

None of these bad apples had stolen the
tests.

Their alibis were like Dutch ovens.

Gamey, but airtight.

Maybe I was looking at it all wrong.

Maybe a good kid was behind it.

What scares you, Funky?

You know what scares me?

Here's me, Injustice.

You know why?

Because it's everywhere.

But the thing about fighting Injustice is
choosing your battles wisely.

And my battle right now is to find out
where are my missing SATs.

Now, I don't know your involvement in all
this, Sprunky.

But I'm watching you.

You've got both eyes open, and they're on
you.

You read me?

Yes, yes.

You bleed, Funky.

We all bleed.

Thank you, sir.

Tad, am I gonna get my story on the girls'
bowling team any time soon?

Get off my fucking back, Clara!

Nobody gives two shits about girls'
bowling.

I give two shits, okay?

How many more shits do I need to get a
story from you, Tad?

And Bobby?

Yeah?

Where's my story?

Where's my story on Paul Moore?

Paul was a good kid.

Maybe his bum knee wasn't so bad.

Maybe my puff piece was no pastry.

It's on its way.

So, um, how long...

So, how did Paul's knee look that night?

Okay.

Why?

Well, because there's plaid.

Paul injured it.

That's why they brought him here.

Oh.

I thought he had diarrhea.

But he was limping, so I guess he did hurt
his little stem.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, um, were you...

Were you here with him in the office the
whole time?

Yeah.

Well, except I got hungry and Paul said I
should get something to eat.

His treat.

So I went across the street and got a gyro
at that Greek place, Little Spiros.

Have you ever been there?

It's so good.

Do you mean to tell me that Paul was alone
in here?

I mean, so good.

How long did you leave Paul on his own
that night?

Um, hey, Dee.

When I go get Greek food, how long does it
take me?

About 20 minutes.

You know, more or less.

Hmm.

Hey, what's up, Frankie?

Look, just get me the sandwich.

Yeah, I want a foot-long spicy Italian
sausage.

That's right.

Yeah.

I got one and I want one.

See, that's a double entendre.

Yeah.

No, that's right.

I coached English for two seasons.

I gotta go.

I gotta go.

All right, so where were we?

Um, uh, Paul Moore's college prospects.

Oh, you know, grades have never been
Paul's strong suit.

But, you know, if he wants to go Ivy,
he'll get in.

Believe me, that boy will do whatever it
takes to win.

That's PMW.

That is the Paul Moore way.

P Moore!

P Moore!

The coach gave me Paul's motive.

The nurse, opportunity.

My gut said I had my guy.

But on my way home, I realized I needed an
inside source to back it all up.

I also needed to get my license.

Lately, me and the DMV weren't seeing eye
to eye.

And when parking along a curb on an uphill
slope, we turn our wheels to the...nope.

And when there's a yellow light, we
approach the intersection at a nice.

..nope.

And when we come to an object in the road,
like...a dog, we...nope.

I was looking for corroboration on my
story.

Woodward and Bernstein had their deep
throat.

I needed mine.

Fortunately, I knew just the girl.

She sounded hesitant on the phone,
but told me where I could find her.

Hey, Chrissy?

I'm a friend of your brother, Paul.

No.

No, you're not.

How do you know?

Okay.

Well, um...

Has Paul ever taken you to one of his
games before?

You're a high schooler, and you don't have
a car.

Why don't you have a car?

That's irrelevant, Chrissy.

I want a unicorn.

Um...

Neat.

You know, when I was your age,
I wanted a pet giraffe.

Giraffes suck.

Get me a unicorn, and I'll tell you so
many secrets about Paul.

Very secret secrets.

Here's the thing, Chrissy.

Unicorns don't actually exist.

Stuffed animal and unicorn doofus.

Chrissy Moore was one unicorn well spent.

After she filled in the blanks,
my story was right there in front of me.

But I still had no solid proof.

Were my hunches enough to write the
article?

Fuck it.

Woodward and Bernstein.

Hey!

I won't tell you again I got to Momway.

This is P. Moore's Shampoo.

I got enough clout around here to get your
ass deported for less.

You, uh, fellas here for the cockfight?

This story's gonna start like a friggin'
coup d'etat on this bitch.

Thanks, man.

I like your dreads.

This is crazy.

I didn't do anything.

Hey, I'm the president.

I'm the president.

I'm Paul Moore.

I'm Paul Moore.

I didn't do any... I
didn't do anything.

It's all right.

I didn't do anything.

It'll work.

Open it up.

I didn't do anything.

Open it up.

I don't... I don't know where
those... I don't know what those...

Those aren't Paul Moore's.

I don't...

I don't know how
those got... Let's go.

Come on, Paul.

Don't fight it.

This is crazy.

I'm a... I'm a Patsy.

I'm a Patsy!

But in the end, And Paul Moore kept his
promise.

He did whatever it took to get the job
done.

Even the unthinkable.

PMW.

The Paul Moore Way.

The name's Bobby Funk.

I write for the paper.

So I just want everyone to know that I am
submitting this article to the

Northwestern People with my highest
recommendation.

I wanted to thank you for finding the
SATs.

And for showing me what a douche Paul
really is.

See, the thing is, I seem to have lost my
date to homecoming.

And I wanted to know if you'd go with me.

You want to go to homecoming with me?

Well, not like go-go.

I mean, not like for real.

It's just, everyone already has a date.

Oh, except for the mathletes and maybe that
wrestler with the jock itch on his face.

So, yeah.

The only person I can go with is you.

I still don't see why you'd want to go
with me.

Yeah, why not?

I mean, you're like the school's Wolf
Blitzer now.

Well, Wolf Blitzer's like a TV reporter.

I'm into Woodward and Bernstein.

You already have a date?

What?

No, I just...

Great.

Then you can pick me up at eight.

Oh, and no wrist corsages.

Get the kind with the pin.

I don't mind a little prick every once in
a while.

St. Donovan's, good morning.

This is your principal, Mr. Kirkpatrick.

As you know...

Uh, there's been a regime change here at
the school.

And your new president, Marlon
Piazza, is gonna say a few words... Piazza.

What?

Marlon Piazza.

Was that Italian?

Uh, I think so.

Marlon Piazza is gonna say a few words to
you.

Stand by.

You're on the air.

No effing around, huh?

Thank you, sir.

Uh, fellow students, this has been a
difficult time for all of us.

But do not lose faith in this institution.

Because from great tragedy, comes great
triumph.

Let me be the first to say that the actions
of your ex-president... ...are excused.

It's open.

So, is it true that she got a perfect
score on her SATs?

Yeah, her freshman year.

I'll let you play with her tits for 20
bucks.

You're funky.

You're good.

It's a nice place you got here.

Have a good look while you can.

I doubt you'll be coming by again.

I guess that I should congratulate you on
your new presidency.

Isn't it funny how someone can be your
average cakewalk VP one day...

...and then head of the school the next?

Yeah.

It's like how someone can be the school
joke one day...

...and then go to homecoming with the
hottest girl at St. Donovan's the next.

She's like your half-sister, right?

Step-sister.

Hey, Funky.

Hey, Francesca.

Wow.

You look...awesome.

Thanks.

You look pretty good yourself.

Thank you, shoot.

Oh, she doesn't have to go to the hospital
again, does she?

No.

Is your car up front?

Oh, well, it's such a nice night,
I thought that we could walk.

Sorry about that.

I just can't seem to get away from my
friends sometimes.

Yeah, I...

You know what you mean.

You still want that dance?

Quantum physics is bullshit, you know?

You don't know what is inside of a black
hole because, you know...

...stuff goes in...

...and nothing comes out.

Just like Laura Hoffner's box.

You think I'm a bitch, don't you?

I mean, you can be honest.

I don't care either way.

I'm just curious.

Do you think I'm a bitch?

Um...

Kind of.

Seriously?

Well, I mean, no, I... I thought you were,
but...

And then... I don't know, now I think that
maybe you're just...

...misunderstood.

Nobody's misunderstood.

That's just what people say when they
don't know.

They don't like who they are.

If you think I'm a bitch, then I guess
it's because I am.

But then I guess you're
gonna have to come to terms

with the fact that you're
into a girl who's a bitch.

Well, how do you feel about newspaper
drugs?

I'll let you know when I see one.

You know, I better go get Marlon before
Kirkpatrick castrates him.

Thanks for the dance, Blinky.

You got to rock to the rhythm with him.

Got to give it to him.

Got to give a lot more than the minimum.

It's a new day now.

Side step, right, left, move, one up,
down.

Either that or have a hurry and then skip
town.

Beat your ears with the stairs.

Loosh.

I think that chick just wingered on me.

Well, she's not bad.

Yeah, for a pirate.

So I'm gonna go spit in the punch.

Hey.

You, uh... Hey.

Hey, light on your feet, fucky.

That's good.

Thanks.

But we notice you have any problem out
there.

I do?

What?

It's your heart, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That close to a girl like her.

It's natural.

I didn't realize it was so obvious.

What you're gonna want to
do, okay, is you tuck that thing

into the side of your boxer
shorts so it runs down the leg.

That way you can contain it.

It's like getting a stiff ride while
you're taking a dump.

A shit boner.

Yeah, then you gotta jam it into the bowl
like it owes you money.

Wow.

You don't want to dunk it.

It's not a clown.

Boop.

Down.

But you also don't want to get a pee-pee
on your shirt.

It's a no-win situation.

At ease, gentlemen.

Directions are otherwise.

I remember similar conversations
with my men when we

were tracking the towel
heads through their tariks.

Pitch black, little spider holes no wider
than a hula hoop.

Like the Charlotte.

The web.

The... Do you understand
what he's saying?

Fear, Mr. Delacruz.

That's what I'm talking about.

Fear.

Si.

Fear is the middle name of war,
Mr. Delacruz.

Learned that in the storm.

What is the storm, sir?

213 days in country.

Terribly.

The sound of mortar fire day and night
ringing in your ears.

The occasional dog exploding.

But I used to lead men.

Men that reminded me of you, Mr. Funky.

On your feet, son.

I want to thank you for your help in
getting those SATs back.

Yeah.

Don't worry about it.

I'm sorry for being such a jerk-off.

It's okay.

I never catch you chewing that in class.

I'll kill you.

You read me?

I click well, sir.

Okay.

Go out there and have a good time.

How's it feel?

Like I just got punched in the mouth.

My life is over now, dick.

I didn't steal those SATs.

Then where were you between 7.45 and 8.10
that night?

Who the hell do you think you are?

Inspector Gadget?

You really think I chance everything for a
test score?

I'd already got you.

You're not getting into Cornell.

Well, then why'd you take the SATs again?

I just wanted to see if I could do better.

Man, you wouldn't know the truth if it was
staring you in the face.

Hello, Cornell.

Goodbye, motive.

I still thought Paul was an asshole.

But maybe he wasn't the kind of asshole
who'd steal the SATs.

That sting wasn't my mouth.

I was starting to doubt my story.

Well done, Bobby.

You got into the Northwestern program.

Wait, one more thing.

Some grad student
by the name of Striddle

will be in contact to
fact check the article.

It's just a formality.

You're on your way.

Sure I was on my way.

To the gallows.

If I didn't set the story straight before
the fact checker found something crooked,

Northwestern would go south.

And then I'd be blacklisted from every
paper in college.

The college journalism program in the
country.

In-school suspension.

Cruel and unusual punishment reserved
solely for dangerous offenders.

Rocky was on permanent lockdown for doing
a custom paint job on Kirkpatrick's car.

Gonna need five minutes with Maura.

You got three.

Aren't you supposed to be in homeroom?

Maybe I got to thinking.

Maybe you should have done that sooner.

Where were you that night?

You think it's that easy?

You think I can just tell you where I was
and it's gonna set it all straight?

I mean, take a look around you,
Funky.

I'm screwed now no matter what I say.

So then just tell me the truth.

If you didn't do it, I'm all you got.

And you only got me for one more minute,
so spill it.

Come on.

Last year, I did some things on the
basketball court I'm not exactly proud of.

Like what?

Shaving points.

Twice last season.

It was two times too many.

I only did it because I needed the money.

It doesn't matter.

When I was approached this year,
I turned him down.

We had a shot at state.

I wasn't gonna mess that up for my senior
year.

So this person who approached you,
you think that he may have set you up?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Give me his name.

What's his name, Moore?

Look, if you wanna get cooperative,
I can't help you.

You've gotta give me his name now.

You gotta start thinking with your head.

You know the amount of power that comes
with the presidency?

Everybody wants a piece of me.

All right, time's up, Funky.

Getting the animals all riled up.

What's his name, Moore?

Look, I said time's up.

Give me his name.

Come on, come on.

What's his name?

Freddie Bismarck.

Where do I find him?

Moore!

Please

report to the office immediately.

Hello?

Robert Funky?

Uh, hey, yeah.

Well, actually, it's pronounced funk.

No, it's not.

This is Ben Shreddell, Northwestern
University.

I'm fact-checking your story here,
Chief.

It's not bad.

Not exactly good, either.

Excuse me?

So I'm gonna need the following from you.

Transcriptions of your interviews.

A bibliography.

MLA-style match.

Your notes.

Pretty much anything pertaining to the
story.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Um, I'm just gonna need some, uh,
time to get it together.

So can I get your number or something?

No.

Wait, what?

Hello?

I had to find Freddie Bismarck.

And there was one place I knew I could
track down even the most elusive characters.

It's freaky, isn't it?

And apparently, they just got results back
from the ACTs.

Some of our best and brightest bombed it.

Really?

You see Seamus Finnellan over there?

Uh-huh.

His teeth are chattering.

It's probably from the Prylert.

Oh, really?

I didn't know that Seamus had ADD.

For a reporter, you're really out of the
loop.

Half the school is taking Prylert right
now, or Axitol, or Riponol, maybe Fildex.

All just nice words for speed.

If a kid needs a study aid, he'll find a
way to get one.

Seamus Finnellan.

Supply and demand, son.

I found Freddie Bismarck, where all high
school graduates go on to live in infamy.

They say a picture's
worth a thousand words, but

his senior quote is worth
a goddamn encyclopedia.

Dollar dollar bills, y'all.

You're not supposed to be looking at that.

It's called study hall because you're
supposed to study.

What are you, a cop?

Looking for the business?

I need cash.

This is a business I'm running.

I know it's your bar mitzvah money,
but I have to take it.

You lost the bet.

Yes, I will take... yes, I'll take a
check.

But if it bounces, I'm coming after you.

This is real stuff.

You owe me 20 bucks.

Goodbye.

Uh, I'm sorry.

We're closed for the semester.

No more pledges.

I'm here about Paul Moore.

Suck it!

Let me explain something to you.

I don't know thing one about Paul Moore.

His name means nothing to me.

I have kids on over half the teams in this
district.

And those pill poppers are begging me to
throw games.

And if I had to go out and personally
frame each one that didn't want to brick a

layup for me, I wouldn't have time to
spend the money I have.

And as you can see, I like spending the
money that I make.

I mean, look around.

That painting is from the 16th chapel.

That's the first chapel ever.

So, uh, what was the money for?

Oh, my God, I'm gonna slap you in the
face.

I don't know.

He was having girl problems.

What's that supposed to mean?

He was having problems with girls,
all right?

Come on.

For a fellow friar?

No!

Not for a fellow friar!

For you to get the fuck out of here,
okay?

It was some chick from McKinley.

That's all I know.

Now, I'll see you, little man.

Don't hurt yourselves.

If Freddie Bismarck didn't frame Paul,
then maybe the girl problem was behind it.

There's the old wise guy.

Elliot.

Those pubes coming yet?

Still eating your mom's dirty tampons?

Only when I'm hungry.

So, as I was saying on the phone,
I managed to implicate our school

president in his sordid theft and,
in the process, steal his girlfriend.

So, what's the problem?

Bitch.

I'm not so sure the guy did it anymore.

Hey, have you ever seen this guy around?

Yeah, that's Valerie's boyfriend.

You're dating Valerie?

Plot thickens, Elliot.

Oh, I get it, peach fuzz.

You think maybe I got tired of being
Paul's little plaything?

That I teach him a lesson?

It wasn't like that.

What do you mean?

Paul and I have something real,
okay?

He could be himself around me.

So, what was the money for, then?

That's got nothing to do with anything.

Look, Valerie, if Paul's innocent,
then you can help him by helping me.

Okay.

You ready for the after-school special I
call my life?

I owed money to some unpleasant people.

They were ready to collect on me as
interest.

Paul wouldn't stand for it.

Someone tells him about Freddie Bismarck.

Paul has two off nights.

My debt goes away.

Paul threw two games for you?

He would have thrown the entire season if
I'd asked him to.

Valerie was another dead end.

If Paul was keeping her a secret, I
wondered what else he was holding back on.

Desert storm.

And if

you want, you can sing it, you can march.

Yeah.

Come on, kids, sing it with me.

What's going on?

Kirkpatrick's on some school spirit
rampage.

He canceled AM classes to have a pep
rally.

Yeah.

You're a secret, Patrick.

That's what I am.

American.

Fighting in the sand, yeah.

American.

You can sing if you want, you can march if
you want.

American.

Fighting in the sand.

American.

That's what I...

That's what I am.

Maura.

Today let us stand together.

I don't

see freshman, sophomore...

I see William!

William, can you hear me?

To paintball, you pussy!

This way, this way, children.

Come on!

Go on!

Come on, come on!

I'm gonna go to the vending machine for
some pretzels.

Do you want anything from downstairs?

How about a bandage?

Forget it.

Nurse Platt's phone.

Just got word your boy shot some kids.

How does that sit with the facts of your
story I'd like to ask, Funky?

Striddle?

How the hell did you...

I have not, yes, yes, have not received
your notes on the story, boss.

Well, yeah, I know.

I've been doing some backtracking to,
you know, locate everything.

Backtracking, huh?

There was a kid a few years back.

Said he was doing some backtracking.

Turned out he fabricated a whole story to
get into the program.

They kicked him out, of course.

Blackballed him.

Last I heard, he's working
as a pharmaceutical

test subject for carpal
tunnel syndrome.

Your story's thin, kid.

Do you really think you can pull one over
on Ben Striddle?

Go watch your notes.

Stay out.

There's, um, something that I need to tell
you.

Not before I get to say thank you.

For what?

For saving my life out there.

It was just the paint of a gun.

Yeah, but you didn't know that,
did you?

Look, Francesca, as an ethical journalist
and a man who's dedicated to the truth,

Francesca, as an ethical journalist and a
man who's dedicated to the truth,

I think you should know that your
boyfriend was probably sad.

He's not my boyfriend.

Now what did you want to tell me?

Nice shooting, out there, Mr. Moore.

Another three inches to the left and you
would've had a kill shot on me.

You got this all wrong.

I didn't steal the SATs.

Anything else?

Yeah.

This place sucks!

Oh, you'll be sucking soon enough,
Mr. Moore.

They locked Paul away at some undisclosed
private institution.

My story put him there.

That was my job to get him out.

I'll tell you whatever you want to know.

Looking out on a crystal world...

Meds three times a day.

PMW.

Paul Moore away.

Paul, I need your help.

I know someone framed you for stealing the
SATs, but...

I just don't know who.

Who do you think framed you?

Who set you up?

Come on, Paul.

Are you here to take me home?

After three hours,
the only thing I got out

of Paul was a sinking
feeling in my stomach.

All right, Mitch, we're looking for
weapons, obviously.

Anything that can kill a student.

Knives, guns.

But it's not always obvious.

Are you kidding me?

You know the rule about gum.

Raise your arms, please, with the women.

I want to use the backs of the hands.

The backs of the hands, Mitch.

Last rule, most important rule.

You're going to want to fuck them.

Do not fuck the students.

Do you understand?

The scene of the crime.

Give a lunatic a paintball gun and you'd
expect a Jackson Pollock.

But Paul was more precise.

Every shot counted.

But for what?

Francesca?

That's easy.

She broke his heart.

Me?

I broke the story.

Kirkpatrick?

Mercy killing.

But what about Alex Schneider,
the school treasurer?

What about Marlon and the Mullins?

They were his friends and fellow members
of the student council.

If Paul's painting meant something,
maybe those guys could explain it to me.

Yo, check it out.

It's that slut Laura Hoffner.

Oh, dude, you don't even want to know what
I did to that ass.

Probably the same thing I did to your
mom's ass.

Dude, that's mom.

Our mom.

Yo, check it out.

I got this move that I like to call the
operator.

Right?

It's when I'm railing a girl, and then I
reach down, steal her cell phone,

and call up her dad so he can listen to me
do her.

Oh, yeah, daddy.

Oh, yes, man.

Are you lost, freshman?

Why'd he shoot you, Marlon?

He shot you too, didn't he?

Yeah, we shot you first.

Hey, you want detention for the rest of
your life, fuckface?

Hey, Funky, why don't you come to my house
on Friday?

I'm gonna have a little party.

No, dude, come on.

It's okay.

I mean, he just wants to ask me some
questions, right?

For the school paper?

I mean, I don't want to get on his bad
side.

We all saw what happened to Moore.

Oh, it's Funky.

I made it.

So, this is a party.

Yeah, well, you knew enough to be
fashionably late.

Well, no, actually, I had a flat tire,
so...

20 bucks says that toothpaste doesn't do a
goddamn thing.

I'm gonna fucking smoke it myself.

You want a beer?

Well, actually, I have to get up early for
my class.

I have a driver's test.

Okay.

It's good.

It's like a good brew.

It's really, it's really cold.

I'm so gonna corrupt you.

Shit.

Are you okay, man?

Hey, Marlon, you and
Paul Moore have been on

the student council
together for two years.

And all the time, did he ever seem like...

Yeah?

It's a party.

Yeah, Funky, you can put this on the
record, okay?

Tastes minty.

Tastes like a veal cutlet.

No, no, it's like, it's like a baby lamb
chop with the, uh, the meat jelly.

Tastes like a joint, you fags.

Beer pongs.

Focus on the cup.

Come on, Funky, give me your best shot.

Whoa!

Turn me up.

Don't wanna fall in love, just clear to
lust.

Switch me on.

Turn me up.

I want to touch you, you're just made for
love.

I need la-la-la-la-la-la.

I need ooh-la-la-la-la.

I need la-la-la-la-la-la.

I need ooh-la-la-la-la-la.

All right, let's play this game.

I got winners.

Yo, what do you want us to do with it?

Tie him up.

I can take another one of those toothpaste
cigarettes.

Give me one.

Give me the toothpaste.

I know.

Hey, it's baby Funky.

Take it.

Take it like a man.

Hey, the little prick told me he was going
to a seminar in surveillance technology.

You know, I feel bad for him.

He's totally gaga for that cum dumpster.

A single pussy hair can pull a
bottle-sheep through the desert.

It's true.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Think about it.

The real question is, what are you doing
here?

I'm just, I'm doing research for the
school paper.

Oh, yeah.

You're writing a story on Francesca's pink
beef.

No, seriously.

No, no, serio.

Listen to me.

You need to sink the pink tonight,
hermano.

I hope you before.

That way you can last.

You don't want to be a preemie.

A preemie?

The word gets around.

It's true.

She's used to Paul Moore.

That guy can last.

How do you know?

I just know.

Hey, Funky, listen.

After you cum, you're going to hide her.

Just hide her.

I don't know why, but you will.

Well, I got to get back.

To your story, right?

Right.

All right.

Dig deep, hermano.

Ball's deep.

See you guys on Monday.

Keep it going.

Hey, stranger.

So, I wanted to talk to you about a
follow-up to your story.

I was thinking, like, maybe an editorial
piece on the student council.

Yeah.

It's a party.

Isn't this Marlon's room?

Yeah, well, somebody already passed out in
my bed.

Well, then, won't he mind that we're in
here?

He doesn't care.

My cool planes.

What are you doing with me?

What kind of a question is that?

A good one.

Hey, I like you.

I like the way you look at me.

Like, it's for real, you know?

Like, you don't have to impress anyone.

Like, if tomorrow St.
Donovan's would just

disappear, you'd still
look at me the way you do.

You get me, Funky.

I tried on, like, lemon shirts before I
came over here.

Yeah?

Well, you know, I don't like it.

I think you need to take it off.

When do your parents come home?

My dad's out of town until Tuesday.

What about your mom?

My mom's dead, Funky.

Sorry.

I want you.

Hey, Ashwood.

You're pissing yourself.

Hey, Funky, untie me.

Cipriano?

Funky!

You're doing considerably better this time
around, Mr. Funky.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Uh...

Sorry, I just thought that I should,
uh...

adjust this mirror a smidge.

Safety first.

That's very good of you, Mr. Funky.

I know.

The Mullins van.

Grass, gas, or ass.

Nobody wrote for free.

What were the good brothers doing up so
early?

You know what?

I think I'm just gonna, um, parallel park
here.

I was just gonna have you do that back at
the DMV lot.

Yeah, I know, but this is such a
challenging spot.

I'm really feeling it today.

For me, it's all about the aesthetic.

The aesthetic?

Yeah.

Well, I must say, Mr. Funky, that was some
mighty fine parking.

Yeah.

That was pretty good, wasn't it?

Two pharmacies in five minutes.

That must have been some case of crabs.

Well, I never thought
I'd see the day, but I'd say

you're about to get
yourself a driver's license.

Really?

Really.

Who's my license or the scoop?

My freedom or the truth?

Woodward and Bernstein.

Woodward and Bernstein.

All you have to do is get me back to the
DMV in one piece.

Hey, hey, hey!

Put your foot on that brake!

Come on!

Stop the car!

Put your foot on the brake!

What are you doing?

Four pharmacies and a dozen
traffic violations later, Alex

Schneider and the Mullins
were still making the rounds.

So, I guess we'll see you next month?

Get the fuck out.

My driver's test had posed some new
questions.

Fortunately, I knew just the people to
help me find the answers.

This is gonna cost you, you know.

What's going on, Landis?

You're not supposed to do that unless
there's a fire.

Can you see the fire, Lambchop?

It's in my heart.

And it's burning for you.

Where'd you get all those keys?

I'm sleeping with the janitor.

Seriously?

Later, funky!

I didn't know what I was looking for
exactly.

But so far, every clue had one common
denominator.

The student council.

I got crazy cheddar cheese cause I'm the
dopest MC on the planet.

I'm the one that gave your sister that
rash.

God damn it.

Now everyone in the 616 eat a Chinese girl
out with a pair of chopsticks and a...

Yo, I'm feeling...
See, man, cut it, cut it.

Look.

What's up?

Dude, we're gonna need
some beers, man, because

I'm not feeling it unless
I got my rhyme socks.

Make sure it's cold.

Yo, yo, yo, give me some antacid,
too, while you're at it.

I got mad indigestion, bro.

Oh.

Yo, let's do this shit.

No, no, no.

A wicker, a wicker, wicker, one,
two, yo!

Bitches, bitches, report to your knees.

Look at my wallet, I got crazy cheddar
cheese.

You guys sound really good in there.

Jesus, funky, what the hell are you doing
in my car?

Just a little light reading.

Student council treasury ledger.

It's a real page turner, isn't it?

Money disappears and then reappears.

Schneider's a regular Houdini.

I don't know what you're talking about,
Funky.

Sure you do, Marty.

But maybe it's time for you to come clean.

Become your own man.

You know what, Funky?

You're right.

Try not to get blood on the carpet,
my mom would get pissed.

We make you say what?

We make you say what?

We make you talk

it hard with me.

Keep your hands to the sky, keep your eyes
on me.

Francesca, hey, pick up.

I need to talk to you about Paul.

Did he ever mention anything about Schneider
or the Mullins having a drug problem?

Anyway, I'll try you again later,
okay?

Um, I love you.

I mean, I love hanging out with you.

Oh Gertrude, my anaconda is sore and it
needs a massage.

I love you.

Hey, what's going on?

Are you here?

Here, here, be that little Funky.

The big news was that everyone had to
retake the SATs.

The stolen tests had been nullified under
suspicion of tampering.

But I had my own suspicions to follow.

I needed to stay on their tail.

I needed evidence.

I needed photos.

I needed... Hey Stinky, I think
you need to come home with me.

You know, I'm concerned about the lack of
parental supervision at your house.

I guess.

You want to be my daddy?

Is that a good look?

I feel like a cold penis.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm totally blind.

Paul.

The North Western program.

Suddenly none of it seemed to matter.

The hole in my side, the one that always
kept me hungry was gone.

I guess that meant I was happy.

You shouldn't have done that.

Funkfrosh steals tests and pins it on the
prez for a bit of Fran's hand.

Son of a bitch.

One thing was clear.

Earlier, Tad Goltz couldn't write for
shit.

What the hell is this?

You tell me.

There's no way that story checks out.

Schneider has been cooking the books.

What does it have to do with Paul Moore?

Nothing.

But maybe Moore had nothing to do with the
SATs in the first place.

Bobby, just stop.

Like, I really believed in you.

And I thought that
you were one of the few

kids in school that
didn't need to be popular.

I'm recommending that Tad get your summer
scholarship.

What?

I'm late for AP English.

Smooth move, Dr. Love.

I actually think I went
to all the trouble of

stealing the SATs just so
I could go with Francesca.

I would.

Francesca and I are in love, Cipriano.

Maybe it's something you can't emotionally
comprehend yet.

Ow!

Asshole.

Francesca!

Francesca, it's not true.

Go sleep.

Oh, this is full of shit!

Did Paul steal them or not?

Well, I don't think so, but...
That's not... I trusted you, Funky.

This is bigger than me and you.

Okay?

This is bigger than Paul Moore.

This is... Sit down,
please, Mr. Funky.

Francesca.

Francesca, look, you gotta believe me,
okay?

Sit down.

Hey, can I just get the whole pass?

Huh?

The whole pass?

Huh?

Habla en espanol.

I gotta go talk to some people.

Tengo que ver a unas personas.

Dígame.

Tengo que ver a unas personas.

Oh!

Can I just get the whole pass,
please?

No.

Sit down.

Please, I need... Sit down.

Bueno, bueno.

Ahora?

Pagina cincuenta y ocho.

Ah.

Ah.

Señor Funky.

La tarea...

I don't have it.

¿Por qué no?

¿Por qué no?

Because I'm the only one in this whole
class who didn't copy it off Steve.

No me gusta su actitud, señor Funky.

Huh?

Yeah, well, no me gusta any of this
bullshit.

Padre Null.

Perdóname por la interrupción.

Tengo que hablar
con... El señor Funky.

Oh.

Señor Funky, ven aquí.

Adiós.

Thank God you got me out of there.

You won't believe some of the stuff that
I've uncovered.

I don't even know where to start.

Point shaving, theft, embezzling,
pharmaceutical drug lingo...

Is there gum in your mouth?

There's these pills, right?

Half the school... I just asked
you, are you chewing gum?

That's... that's irrelevant.

I think there's something really serious
going on here.

You seem to be a little foggy as to why
I'm here, Mr. Funky.

From what I understand, you've made a
mockery of this entire high school.

You seem to think that this is some kind
of circus and that I am some kind of clown.

I am not an effing clown.

And I am not here to bring joy and love and
light and laughter into your effing heart.

Now, I'm going to ask you one more time.

And this time I expect an answer.

Is... that... gum... in... your... mouth?

Is this gum in my mouth?

Is this gum in my mouth?

Yeah, it is actually.

It's gum.

It's gum.

It's gum.

It's gum.

It's gum.

It's gum!

I chew it all the time.

24-7.

I've got a fucking jumbo pack in my pocket
right now!

My locker, filled to the brim with gum.

No books, just gum!

Now I'm trying to talk to you about
matters of the utmost importance here,

and you're... you're talking to me about
gum?!

You get 15 minutes in the yard twice a
week.

Mind and body, Funky.

Mind and body.

What should I do about Francesca?

Get some good porn?

Pray that she calls.

You have got to be kidding me.

I've got two stories
on my desk, and one

contradicts the living
shit out of the other.

Did you really think that you could pull
one over on old Ben Stridell?

Did you?

Because that's wholesale crazy,
Chief.

I have 175 IQ.

That means I skipped the third grade.

You don't understand, Stridell.

I was framed.

The school treasurer is moving money
around to sell drugs.

Oh, that's rich.

Now you're going to frame the treasurer?

Is the class secretary next?

What's the money got to do with a solo
SAT?

Nothing.

They're two completely separate things.

Let me give you a freebie, kid.

Money's got something to do with
everything.

That's investigative journalism 101.

Follow the money dipshit.

You got till Monday to give me the money.

I-3.

It's a H.

Fuck!

I told you putting it in there was a bad
idea.

Wait, is it stinky, Landi?

I put it where you want to put it.

Oh, that's nice.

It's new?

No, it's my mom's.

H-7.

I'll connect the dots.

I told you not to line up the sheets like
that.

It looks like Pearl Harbor.

B-3.

Mess.

Puta!

Could you guys please just use your
library voices?

Sorry, I'm just trying to think.

You can't let G.O.A.L.T.S.

get one up on you, Funky.

That guy is an enormous vagina.

Connect the dots.

Connect them.

Come here.

What are you looking at, Funky?

Funky, where you going?

These four walls?

You just stay.

Bounce, ping, ping, ping, ping,
ping, ping, ping, like a pinball.

That's it.

You can't run.

Francesca?

Francesca?

Then you want to go on and it's all...

Francesca?

This is all I can do.

It's all I can do.

It's alright.

Ahhh.

Mathematically, it's a percentage of your
life.

Four years, 48 months, 1,461 days.

High school is prom,
football games, boyfriends,

girlfriends, party at
the rich kid's house.

Fun, simple, wholesome.

But it's really anything but.

High school might be the
least wholesome four years

of your life, and there's
nothing simple about it.

High school is ugly, hard, and
complicated.

As complicated as a conspiracy to
assassinate the president.

A conspiracy about to be uncovered.

Alex Schneider and the
Mullen brothers had been

selling prescription drugs
since their sophomore year.

The Mullen's dad was an orthopedist with a
habit of boning his patients.

When he split with one
of them, the hip doctor left

his family his van and a
box of prescription pads.

The brothers made do with their
inheritance.

Your booty's the ice, I'm the Zamboni.

But the Mullens weren't competent enough
to run things on their own.

Yo, shit biscuit.

These bottles aren't gonna fit themselves.

Initially, the market for
academic performance

enhancers wasn't as
ripe as they had hoped.

So like good businessmen, they created a
demand.

They sabotaged tests
throughout the school, targeting

the students they knew
would fold from the pressure.

If you erase enough bubbles, you can erase
a kid's future.

Supply and demand, son.

Business boomed.

So much so, that they
started dipping into

student council funds
to use as venture capital.

P. Moore was an exactly Alan Greenspan.

But it didn't take an economic genius to
do that.

They figured out that hundreds of dollars
were being shifted around weekly.

Paul told Mullen what he discovered.

Said he was gonna put the kibosh in Alex's
creative accounting.

Mullen couldn't have that.

Things were too good.

He had big plans, and the president was in
the way.

He needed Paul out of the picture.

What's going on, guys?

Funky.

You just don't know when to quit,
do you?

Guess not.

Dumb?

Changing the answers on the SATs so you
can sell more drugs.

That's clever, Mullen.

Twisted, but clever nonetheless.

Which would make for a great story.

Bad move, Funky.

Open that window and bring him over.

Okay, here's the real story.

Bobby Funky made a
few bad decisions, lost his

girlfriend and up and
jumped out the window.

Just another tormented freshman.

I'm a sophomore, dick.

Throw his ass out.

You won't do it.

Oh, I won't?

These sorts of things happen all the time.

There's a lot of pressure here at St.
Donovan's.

Throw him out!

Fine, I'll do it myself.

Hey, marico!

Calmate.

Put him down.

Delicately.

How the hell did they know you were here?

I might have made an announcement.

Funky.

Bob Woodward once said that
the first rule of good journalism

is to never reveal the
story before it goes to print.

But Woodward wasn't in love with Francesca
Ficini.

Before I cleared my name with the school,
I had to clear it with her.

I had to tell her I'd figured it all out.

Turns out, I hadn't.

You played me, Francesca.

You played Paul.

You played the whole damn school.

Look out!

Look out!

Look out!

Look out!

I need everybody to file out of this
office.

Everybody except you five.

The five of you are in big fucking
trouble.

You stay right here.

Get out of my way.

You two boneheads.

He'll never do it again.

You'll never understand why I did it.

Nobody's misunderstood Francesca.

It's just what people say when they don't
like who they are.

Bobby, wait.

Forget it, Funky.

It's high school.

Subtitles by the Amara.org
community They're trying

to forget the whole
world, the whole world is...

Going on, taking off, back into touch,
it's moving on again.

Going on, taking off, what's next?

Lost in my time, losing my touch.

I can't speak for me, can't see the same
signs.

Do you know what I'm doing?

All the nights, all the nights.

I'll see what you wish for me.

It's case-by-case
curves at last, again,

raindrops in the heavens
all I'm in touch with.

River and ocean are leaving my heart,
I'm going to go my own way.

Fire

in the brink is again, raindrops in the
heavens, all I'm in touch with.

River and ocean are
leaving my heart, we got

you running and we'll
make our new start.

Indeed, you know the way,

put your right hand... Go!

I'll

find the bridges again, raindrops in the
heavens, I'll eventually swim,

bypass the train tracks
that lead to my heart,

we got your money, now
we'll make a new start.