All language subtitles for its.always.sunny.in.philadelphia.s08e10.720p.bluray.x264-demand

[ Charlie On Tape] By now
you make a right-hand tum.

[ Frank ] Make a right turn.
Okay, making a right.

You should pass three fuzzy
poles with blinking lights.

Those are traffic signals- Okay. Wait
a minute. I haven't gotten there yet.

And great. You should be
making a left turn here.

There's no left. You don't
know where I am, tape!

This ain't working, Charlie.
This ain't working.

- You should pass three fuzzy poles
with blinking lights- - Wait.

Those are traffic signals-
I passed the traffic signals.

[ Tape Rewinding ] You should
pass three fuzzy poles-

It's stuck! Charlie, I need you here!
This tape isn't working.

[ Man On Radio]
This is KPFN, public radio.

[ Woman On Radio ] Today
on Do It Yourself Gardening-

composting.

I'm sure many of you are wondering
what composting involves.

[Tires Screeching ]

You should pass three fuzzy
poles with blinking lights.

[ Tape Squeaking ] [ Grunting ]
Poles and the blinking lights!

Make sure your compost pile
gets plenty of air.

No w-Oh, Sandra.
You dumb bitch.

[Tires Screeching ]

Wha-

Charlie, what is so hard to
understand?

I believe that if I
inseminated the right woman,

our seed could potentially, through
an X-Men-type genetic mutation,

create a son capable
of bending steel.

- Mm-mmm.
- That's completely insane.

Do you understand
genetic mutations at all?

You hear what you're saying? You're
talking like an insane person.

I didn't cause any damages, Dennis.
Yes, you did.

Not to the exterior of my car.
But to the interior of my car?

My interior is ruined. Guys.
So I'm sitting at a red light,

at a dead stop, and Frank
rams into me out of nowhere!

Now he's saying he's
not gonna pay for the

damages. Did you know
that the man cannot see?

I can see! I got glasses.
I just need new lenses.

The lenses are what make
the glasses work, Frank!

If you were driving around
without the use of sight,

then that is completely irresponsible,
and you need to pay for the damages.

- [ Dee ] Yeah.
- None of the damages were my fault.

It sounds like all of the
damages were your fault.

- Frank, how are we even talking about
this? - Yeah, if you rammed into him-

- You rammed into me.
- Dennis was eating a bowl of cereal.

What?

He was eating a bowl of
cereal when I hit him.

And it spilled all over the interior, and
those are the only damages to the car.

You were eating a...
bowl of cereal?

Yes.

- While you were driving?
- Yes. It's not that crazy.

- That's not what this is about.
- Well, it's a little bit about that.

Yeah, there's a high spill factor if y0u're
driving-Actually, it's a lot about that.

Come on. It's, uh-[ Stammers ] I
don't have to justify myself to you!

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna
take you to court. Fine. Fine.

Hold on a second. Nobody
needs to go to court here.

There's no reason we can't settle this
ourselves, like civilized adults.

No, we can't, Dee, so I'm gonna take him to
court, I'm gonna sue him and I'm gonna win.

Dennis, you don't want to go
anywhere near a court.

How many bench warrants for
sexual misconduct do you have?

[ Exhaling ] I-l probably
have-Yeah. Yeah.

And, Frank, how many unregistered
guns are in your car right now?

A lot.

Ooh, I like where you're headed
with this, Dee, and, uh, if I may,

I think what you're proposing is that we
handle this little matter... internally.

I'll let you take it over.
[ Chattering ]

Okay. Uh, okay, okay,
okay, okay.

I'd like to begin with my
opening statement, if I could.

First off, uh, who is the
defendant in this matter?

- That's not a statement.
- All right. Well, irregardless,

I would like to know, as Frank's lawyer,
who I am persecuting or who I'm defending.

Yeah. Prosecuting. Let me just nip
this whole thing in the bud right now.

Stop treating this like it's a trial
and like this is a courtroom.

Yeah, but the tables-Yeah.
But I was against that too.

Okay? Let's just present
the facts to each other,

and then let's decide as a
majority who's in the right.

That being said, Frank
would be the defendant.

I'm not the defendant. No,
that implies that I am guilty.

He's right. if anyone's ever
accused of anything,

I automatically assume they're guilty.
[ Charlie ] You do, right?

- I do.
- I'm gonna make you the defendant.

Then I'll make Frank the defendant,
then we'll split it up that way.

You're defending the fact
that your car got hit by him.

He smashed into me, so I'm prosecuting him!
[ Mac] Hey, guys! I'm finished!

I'm finished.

Where have you been
for the last three hours?

I have been making this.

- What the hell is that?
- It's the Trial Meter.

It shows how we each feel
throughout the trial.

Yeah, I made little gavels with our names
on it, and we can move them accordingly.

And at the end, whoever has the
most gavels on their side wins.

It took you three hours
to make that?

Yeah.

Mac, let me tell you something.

Nobody is gonna want to use
that, because it's so stupid.

We are dealing with a serious issue here.
You imbecile!

Don't be an imbecile.
Okay? My property is at stake.

What are you doing? W-Well,
don't do that. Look, okay.

Not that we're using
this stupid thing, but

don't start doing that,
because you're gonna-

I like what he did there. I'm
gonna go ahead and move my guy.

Why? Why? We haven't
presented any facts yet.

Uh, okay.

Well, don't everybody start moving
their gavels over to his side.

We haven't even pre-
Okay, well, good.

At least you have the common
sense to be on my side.

Well, as your representative in this
matter, I didn't have much of a choice.

My hands were tied. [
Stammers ] No, no, no.

You're not-You're not my representative.
I will be talking for myself.

This is an open-and-shut
case, and anybody

who can't see that is a
savage and an idiot!

Okay. Uh, I would like a
five with my client, please.

Want a five, counselor?

- I'd like to take a five.
- I'll allow it.

Stop talking like this is
a goddamn courtroom, please.

- Oh, I'm the judge!
- No, you're not.

- Can I be the bailiff?
- You are not anything.

- I'll allow it. - [ Dennis]
No one is anything.

I'm gonna scratch everybody's
eyes out of their sockets!

Ladies and gentlemen,
distinguished collies.

Uh, my client, Frank, here...

isn't really on trial
today, you know?

Common sense is on trial.

And, well, common sense
would tell you that...

eating a bowl of cereal
while operating a car is-

It's-It's reckless.
It's moronic.

One might even call it...
donkey-brained.

Donkey-brained?

It means to have the
brains of a donkey...

or a donkey-type
creature.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I
know what it means, guy.

But if anything, it's not donkey-brained
to drive around with a bowl of cereal.

It's donkey-brained to drive around
without the use of your vision.

Oh. That's interesting. So you do admit
that someone who makes foolish decisions...

could be considered
donkey-brained?

Uh-Sure.
Yeah, okay, fine.

I'll take it.
All right.

Now, Frank, if I'm correct,
when you were a boy,

you were admitted into a...
mental institution.

- Is this correct?
- That's correct.

But soon after, it was discovered
that I wasn't mentally disabled,

so they let me go.

And they let me go
with the proper paperwork,

clearing me of everything.

I would like to add
into evidence Article 1.

Uh, Mac, will you please
read this document?

Mm-hmm. “By the power of the
Commonwealth of Pennsylvania,

Reid Mental Institution hereby decrees
Frank Reynolds to not have...

donkey brains.”

[ Dee, Dennis ]
What?

That is an official document
that says “donkey brain” on it?

what is that?

Well, it's written
right here in plain English.

Frank, would you like to
clear this up for everybody?

Well, all the kids in the
neighborhood knew I got sent upstate,

so they started calling me “Frankie Donkey
Brains,” and it was very traumatic.

So I got my mommy to drive
me back up to the loony bin,

where they signed
this official certificate...

exonerating me
of all donkey brains.

Yeah, great. what does this
have to do with anything?

Well, Dennis,
if by your own admission,

someone who has donkey brains
could be considered...

reckless or moronic or idiotic,

and my client Frank here has a
state-issued certificate...

clearing him of having
said donkey brains,

then I ask you this-

Do you have
any such certificate?

What?

Well, we don't want a donkey
on the road eating cereal.

We know Frank's not a donkey.

How do we know you're not
a donkey-brained man?

Why would I have a certificate?

You don't have a certificate?

N-N-No. The burden of
proof is not on me.

The defendant will
answer the question.

- The defendant? I'm not the defendant!
- Just answer the question.

- No.
- No further questions.

- Oh!
- You gotta be kidding me. Because of that?

You don't have a certificate.
What else are we supposed to-

- What in the... You may have
donkey brains. I don't know.

No one can prove that they're not
donkey-brained except for him.

I just-I wish you
had a certificate.

Oh, bullshit!

- Frank, would you like a glass of wine?
- Yeah, all right.

Huh? Why not have a glass of wine?
I mean, after all-

Uh!

- Hey! Hey! You can't do that!
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, whoopsie, whoopsie. See, I bashed
into Frank while he was at a dead stop.

That's completely my fault, Frank. I will
pay for all the damages to your shirt.

Case closed.

Oh. Well, when you put it
like that, you got me.

You know, I'm on Dennis's side now.
He just convinced me.

Uh, hold-hold on
one second though, Charlie.

It occurs to me that Frank assumed
responsibility for a potential spill...

the second he took the wine.

He's right.
I knew the risk.

So in this circumstance, it would
appear that Frank is at fault.

And therefore, in the car,
Dennis is at fault.

I am on Frank's side.
Case closed.

I pushed-I pushed him!

Boom! You nailed it. You know what? Mac just
made the most credible argument of all.

Hold on a second! Hold on, Charlie.
Credibility?

You're interested
in credibility?

I would like to call
my next witness-Mac.

So, Mac, you seem
to be pretty locked...

into Frank's side at this point.

Right? And your opinion, it carries a
lot of weight around here, doesn't it?

Oh, absolutely. I'm a taste maker around
here. Pretty much what I say goes.

And I've decided that
Frank is the winner.

Yeah. And, Charlie, you
find Mac's arguments

to be fairly credible
and convincing?

I do. Yeah. He makes a
lot of good points.

He's a good judge, and-
He's an even better bailiff.

So if you find Mac's
arguments to be so credible,

why is it that you disagree on
the subject of super humans?

Well, we don't-

What? What does this have
to do with the case?

Well, Mac, if your character isn't
credible, then are your arguments?

[ Sighs ] Strike this line of
questioning from the record, please.

Uh, overruled.
Let her continue.

Mao, do you or do you not believe
that you could create...

a superhuman race of strongmen through
genetic mutation and evolution?

What difference does that make?

If you believe something
that insane,

then how could you be
our taste maker?

How could we believe anything
that you have to say?

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Do you or do you not believe
that you can create...

a superhuman race of strongmen through
genetic mutation and evolution?

Uh, no. [ Chuckles ]
That's ridiculous, Dee.

- What are you talking about? - what
are you talking about? You were just-

You were just telling Charlie
this morning all about the-

“Have you seen X-Men?”
and “my seed” and-

No, I was joking with Charlie. That could
never happen in the real world, Dee.

- That's, like, a comic book thing.
- He's credible.

Yeah. He's credible. All right, we
won this case. I win this case.

It's an open-and-shut case. [
Dee ] Shit, Dennis, that was-

Wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.

- Mac, why don't you believe that?
- Huh?

Well, I'm just wondering
why don't you believe...

that you could pass down a gene that would
eventually evolve into a race of super men?

- Why? - [ Scoffs ]
That's a silly question.

Because evolution
doesn't exist, of course.

[ Dennis] I'm sorry?

Oh, could you repeat
that again for the room?

Because evolution is bullshit.
It's not real.

Goddamn it!
Recess!

- Now. Get in.
- What? What? What?

You got to sway Charlie. You got
to make yourself credible again.

What did I do?

You got to stop with this-
your insane, crazy beliefs.

You gotta tell them that
you believe in evolution.

Oh, come on, Frank.
That's ridiculous.

We gotta get Charlie to stop
thinking you're a lunatic.

Look, Deandra's gonna side with Dennis.
That's a given. You want me to win?

Okay, Frank, for you,

I will make myself credible in
Charlie's eyes again so you can win.

Just give me 15 minutes.

I'm finished, guys.
I'm finished.

Now this is all about making myself
credible in your eyes again,

and I'm gonna do that
by admitting that evolution...

is a lie!

[ Frank]
Goddamn you, Mac!

Yes, please do, Mac.

Now, as you can see,
this is the Evolution Meter.

And I've put God, the creator of
everything, on the right side.

And evolution...
on the left.

I went ahead and put you guys all on the
fence, 'cause of course you're gonna hear-

Actually, no.

[ Dennis ] Let's start
where I would start.

[ Mac] No matter. I'm righteous.

I'm not gonna stand here, present some
egghead scientific argument based on fact.

I'm just a regular dude. I like to drink
beer, you know. I love my family.

Rock, flag and eagle.
Right, Charlie?

- He's got a point.
- No, he doesn't. - What?

See, Charlie? These liberals are
trying to assassinate my character.

And I can't change their mind. I won't
change my mind, 'cause I don't have to.

'Cause I'm an American.

I won't change my mind
on anything,

regardless of the facts
that are set out before me.

I'm dug in,
and I'll never change.

Mac, look.
You're wasting our time.

You're not gonna get us
to not believe in evolution.

And why is that?

Because the smartest scientists in the
entire world all agree that it's real.

I'm glad you brought that up,

because, Mr. Reynolds,

science is a liar sometimes.

Oh, boy.

This is Aristotle,

thought to be the smartest
man on the planet.

He believed that the Earth
was the center of the universe,

and everybody believed him,
because he was so smart.

Until another smartest guy
came around-Galileo.

And he disproved that theory,

making Aristotle and
everybody else on Earth...

look like a...
bitch.

Of course,
Galileo then thought...

comets were an optical illusion,

and there was no way that the moon
could cause the ocean's tides.

Everybody believed that
because he was so smart.

He was also wrong,

making him and everyone
else on Earth...

look like a bitch again.

And then, best of all, [Sighs]

Sir Isaac Newton gets born...

and blows everybody's nips
off with his big brains.

Course, he also thought he could turn
metal into gold and died eating mercury,

making him yet another
stupid... bitch!

- Are you seeing a pattern?
- No.

Mr. Reynolds, these were all the
smartest scientists on the planet.

Only problem is, they kept being wrong.
Sometimes.

This is insane, you fool.

I'm a fool because I have more faith
in the saints that wrote the Bible?

Yeah, because you just read the words
of a bunch of guys that you never met,

and you just take it on “faith” that
everything they wrote was true.

Hmm. And what
makes you think...

what your scientists are writing
is any more truer than my saints?

Because there are volumes of proven data.
Numbers. You know, figures.

There-There are
fossil records.

Oh, fossil records. Ah! I didn't
even think about the fossil records.

I guess I'll concede. Oh, wait. One
more thing before I do, Mr. Reynolds.

Have you seen
these fossil records?

Have I s-
Huh?

Have you pored through the data yourself?
The numbers? The figures?

- Well, no. Um-No.
- Oh. Interesting.

So let me get this straight, Mr.
Reynolds.

You get your information from a book
written by men you've never met.

And you take
their words as truth,

based on a willingness to
believe, a desire to accept,

a leap of- Oof, dare I
say it?- [ Scoffs ]

Faith?

Ah, come on. Come on.
Look, I mean-

I don't even know how I'm supposed
to respond to that. Like-

Ah, come on.

That is a-
That's a false equivalency.

Just answer the question,
Mr. Reynolds.

Sure.
Yeah, okay.

- I rest my case.
- Wow. Well, that got me.

- Frank, do you want me to-
- Put me over.

- Yeah, all right.
- What?

Well, we're going on the fence. I
mean, that's a shadow of a doubt.

You actually don't believe
in evolution anymore?

I don't know.

He created a reasonable doubt. He makes you
sound like a stupid, uh, science bitch.

[ Dee ] Yeah, he got you good.
Oh, my God.

[ Chattering ] [ Dennis ]
Wait, wait, wait, wait. What-

What are we even talking about?

How did we get onto evolution?
This is not about evolution.

Well, it became about that when
you attacked Mac's character!

Yeah, like they did
in the O.J. trial...

to that hero cop, Mark Fuhrman.
Right!

Okay, let's just get back on track here. I
would like to make my closing arguments.

No, no, no, no, no.
This has gone on long enough.

And by the way, Dee, why the hell do you
give a shit about any of this anyway?

You don't know? You can't
think of why I might like...

to set a precedent of responsibility
for when someone's car gets destroyed?

No.

Anybody else?
Anybody?

I- I can't really think of anything.
Can you think of anything?

- I'm blank.
- Not ringing a bell for me.

You guys have destroyed every
single car that I have ever owned!

And we've never had so much
as a conversation about it,

much less a trial-
a whole trial!

Are you making that up? Isn't
this-what is she talking about?

- Are you sure that happened?
- Oh, you sons of bitches.

Oh, you goddamn sons of bitches! I am
going to destroy everything you own!

- Ooh.
- You know what? I'm gonna end this.

I'm gonna end this!
[ Exclaims]

I still vote for Dennis.

Well, I'm still for Frank.
Yeah.

And I am actually
gonna go to the fence.

[ Dennis ]
What? God.

Oh, goddamn it!
We're nowhere with this.

All right, okay.
Guys, settle down.

I think if we've learned anything
today, it's that, you know,

we can't just take
things based on faith.

Only seeing is believing, right?

Let's take this to the streets.

- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah, man. No worries.

Have a good one. Have a nice day.
Bye-bye.

Okay, here's the deal. Dennis, if you
can drive to your apartment and back...

without spilling a single drop,

Dee, your precedent is set, and,
Frank, you pay for everything.

Fine.
Good.

Okay. And, Frank,
if you can drive...

to our place and back
without getting in an accident,

with me giving you
directions, you can continue

to drive as long as I'm
in the car with you.

Deal!
All right.

On your mark. Get set.
Go! [Grunts]

- Did he say it was a race?
- No.

Why are they running? [
Chuckles ] I have no idea.

All right, steady. Steady as she goes.
I'm going straight.

No, beautiful stuff.
This is the best.

Dee, uh, please prepare
me a bowl of cereal. Yep.

What are you doing? We gotta see for
ourselves how reckless this is.

You hold it in one hand and drive
with the other. Interesting.

I know. Pretty mind-blowing
stuff, isn't it?

Then I stop at a stoplight,

and, once I'm stopped
and everything is safe,

take a bite.

All right. Here we go.
Make a left right there.

Make a what? Uh-huh. Go left.

Make a left. Right. Go left.

Right? Right or left?
No!

[ Dee, Charlie Shouting ] Make
up your mind! Deandra, shut up!

Well, dude, now that we're
alone, you can admit it.

I mean, I swayed you on
evolution a little bit, right?

[ Scoffs ]
Well-Uh-

[Tires Screeching ]
Ugh!

That's crazy!
That is insane!

- How do you hit me again?
- It was Deandra's fault!

What? She gave me the wrong directions.
This way, that way!

It was Dee's fault. I was trying to
give directions and she interrupted me.

What are you talking about?
I was reiterating.

Charlie was giving
directions, and I was-

So this is your fault? No, wait.
This is perfect.

We were all here to witness it. It was
Dee's fault. She'll pay for the damages.

Absolutely. She should.
Don't you dare.

No, it was-I have an idea. Should
we have a trial? Me and Charlie?

That's too many trials. Too many trials.
How many trials do you want?

- Can't have a trial for every person.
- Let's have her pay for it...

and be done with this.
All right, that's it.

No, no! what are you-No,
because Charlie was giving the-

I was only- You sons
of- Goddamn it!

[ Voices Speaking Backwards]